Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 27 - The $33 Sh*t

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Put down your new (stolen) smartphones, Boys - you've got an episode of Park After Dark to film! Today's subjects include cock jockeys, golden toilets, and what to do if the bank gives you a bunch of scrilla by mistake. Also: Bubbles wants a ride in an Alpha Jet!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys. What? Do you see me sitting here? I'm kind of busy. What are you doing, man? What do you think I'm doing, Ricky? Sitting at your kitchen table with fucking cameras pointed at him with red lights on them.

Well, you know what I'm doing? I'm fucking working, and you can wait for a couple minutes, please. I'm working as well. It's fucking awesome, man. These smartphones are the fucking way to go. I'm telling you, man. So are books. No, no, these are way better than books.

Like, Rick, you can run an entire fucking business on this phone easily That's what I'm doing Business you got like you've got all your contacts. Okay, you've got notes where you can write down who owes you what? You know the fucking business off the phone and page you for years, man I know but you've got like a Gigi you can fucking go buy some shit, sell it for more money. What's better, to call someone a cockwaffle or a cuntwaffle? Cuntwaffles, Wade. You know, you could just be having this conversation up here,

and we'd be getting the thing done. You know? Just fucking around with my new phone, okay, bubs? Seeks. Just in the middle of having a good time, and I gotta go fucking work. What was that? That was my phone. Oh, see? Look how good these things are. Hey, Bubs. Seeks. Just in the middle of having a good time, and I gotta go to fucking work. What was that? That was my phone.

Oh, see? Look how good these things are. What? Phones. I'm just saying, man. I'm using it for business now. Hey, Bubs. Suck my cock from June. That was a good one.

That was a good one, wasn't it, man? All right, it's Friday, October the 4th. The what? October the 4th. Yeah. Ah. Can't believe it's fucking October already. God damn it.

Cock eater. Cunt eater. Cock face. Cunt face. Cunt face. Okay okay here we go just a second here this is fucking great times bubs

what's what are you guys saying over there what's happening oh I just got a text message from bubs you can lick my unwiped arse, Julian. Yeah.

See? There you go. That's awesome. See that? I sent you one, too. I appreciate the new phone, Julian. No problem. It's clearly stolen, but I don't really care.

Next time I talk to Cory or Jacob, should I call them a cock monkey or a cunt monkey? Oh, a cock monkey. It's funnier. In my opinion. Cock dumpster. A cock dumpster's funny, because that's where you'd throw like old bags of cocks. Or a cunt dumpster.

That's a good one. That's a good use of that one. If you're gonna use it. You don't have to though, right? I suppose. Not many people like that word. Hey, what are we talking about? Cock junkie?

Cock junkie. Cock junkie. That means you're addicted to cock. Like big time. George Green. Dying for it. George who? George Green.

George Green. Where the fuck did that come from, bubs? I don't know. Okay, boys. This is good. I got a good buzz on. This is perfect. I don't feel like I'm fucking freaking out. I feel all right. Okay, boys. This is good. I got a good buzz on. This is perfect. I don't feel like I'm fucking freaking out. I feel all right.

I'm not, like, wasted. Why did you point out that you don't feel like you're freaking out? Does that mean you're on the verge of freaking out? A little bit? Cock jockey. Have we ever used that? Cock jockey? Yeah, people use that.

That would be a jockey that rides around on a six-foot cock in a racetrack. Cock jockey. At on a six-foot cock in a racetrack. Cock jockey. At least a six-foot. How long is a horse? How long is a horse? From a nurse to the fucking right to his nose. He's about nine feet. Okay, so the cock jockey would probably be riding like a nine-foot cock.

No, because the cock's going gonna be at a different angle. I think it just means he's riding a cock, doesn't it? Oh, and the balls. You ride cock. You're a cock jock. No, I think it means you're in a race of giant cocks. Whipping it on the balls. Would you go see such a race? How is the thing moving?

It's floating. It's floating. Like Luke Skywalker's car. Like Luke Skywalker's car. It's like a hovercraft. And you're just snapping it on the balls with your whip to get it moving faster. But it would be probably at a, you know, a 30 degree upward angle. I drew a picture of Cyrus. So it's wrecked.

Kind of like that picture I drew of Cyrus in the trailer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the cock riding cowboy, wasn't it? I didn't draw that. I drew that, didn't I? You didn't blame for it. I drew that. Didn't fucking Leahy and Randy draw that? I don't remember, Ricky. That's years ago. All right, what did you want to talk about?

I want to say welcome to Perk After Dark. To the camera. What's going on, everybody? Welcome to Perk After Dark. I'm your host, Bubbles. It is still fall. It is still fall. It is the fall. It's getting colder. But today is a good day because we feel good.

Let me see your eyes. Lift those up. Oh, you're a fuck right out of your mind. Big time. No, I'm not that bad though. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm at a cool, like, fucking level. The fact you pointed it out means I don't know. Here, I want to come out with a fucking pretty interesting fact right out of the gate.

Get the conversation started. Make us heard. Hammer us. Were you guys smoking hayweed? He's the one who said, what did he say? You guys are baked out of your goddamn minds. Listen to this. Before developing video games, guess what Nintendo owned? Take a guess.

What do you mean owned? What was their business? Nintendo, what was their business before they started making video games? With a name like Nintendo, they must be in Nintendo and to do something. That's pretty close, Ricky. They were in be in Nintendo and to do something. That's pretty close, Ricky. They were intend, they were... Intended to do something? They were, had a business where people were

intending to do something. They were Nintendoing it. They owned a... Give us a hint. You just can't fucking give us a hint. He just did. Didn't he? Or no, that was the first one.

You're never gonna guess it. All right, what is it? They owned... A firm. No. Alright, what is it? They owned... A firm. No. Well, kind of a firm. They owned a bunch of hotels called Love Hotels.

Private short stay rooms that were used exclusively for sexual intercourse. Bangin' rooms. Bangin' rooms. No, they didn't. Nintendo. Where was this? Probably in Japan, I would think. That's how they made their fortune.

Well, no, they made their fortune on video games, Ricky, but they owned love hotels. They started, okay, that makes sense. It's just weird. It's a good business. We should start opening up rooms like that. We have. Hotel Bang.

We have. We have, Ricky. I tried to run a nice little shed and breakfast. No, but do it right. Big time. Hotel Bang. Yeah, but do it right. Big time. Hotel band. Yeah, don't get people like Corey and fucking Trevor. B-E-N-G.

Trevor was the one that was doing the jacket. And Corey. Why are you talking with Corey and Jake the Jacket? I had a little business going there way back, which was not a good business. That was a rub and tug. That was a rub and tug. Jack Factory.

I know a guy named Jack Factory. Remember him? Jack Factory. Is he busy? He builds stuff. Oh, baby. Wow. Maybe too high to be on here, are we?

No, I don't think so, man. No? No. So I think this happened a little while ago. This fucking couple in Pennsylvania, they were given $120,000 by accident from a bank deposit. They're like, fuck the bank, and they spend it all. Not a good thing.

Unfortunately, they're in trouble, but I wonder how they got caught. What do you mean, Ricky? Just because they all of a sudden had all this stuff. They had like a fucking truck and ETVs. No, because the fucking, that's not how they got caught, because the bank at the end of the day would go, wait a second, the books aren't balancing out here,

there's a hundred grand, oh, look, we gave it to fucking Sally and Tom. It must have taken more than a day, because they bought a fucking SUV, they bought a race car, which is a... That's a good thing to find. ...strange choice. Two four-wheelers. Well, it probably took a week or whatever. And a camper. What a fucking SUV. They bought a race car, which is a strange choice. It probably took a week or whatever.

And a camper. What a fucking week that would be. So this is what you got to do. What are we buying today? What do you heard? People out there, if that happens to you, all of a sudden you've got a big chunk of money in the bank, don't spend it for a long time.

Keep it there and see what happens. Or have some fucking fun. Just make sure you keep your receipts. What's that going to do, Ricky? That's not going to help you, old man. Well, you take it back. Isn't there like a 30-day warranty? That is possible.

You could. I mean, you could keep the receipts. You could buy anything at Costco and take it back. No problem. If you accidentally got a bunch of money, Ricky, what's the first thing you'd buy? Hawkers. Nope. Don't like hawkers.

I like love. I need to feel a bond. So you would buy a lover. Can you buy those? You would buy, pay somebody to say I love you. No, I need to feel it. They've got services like that. You can pay for that stuff. Yeah, they're called bullshitters.

Yeah, but I'd read right through them. Ricky, you fall for every stripper that ever tells you that she loves you. It has to be real, man. Somebody I know falls for strippers pretty easy. Who? What, are you talking about me? What are you talking about? Yes, I am Robert De Niro.

I'd probably buy a warehouse. No, no, no, no. A warehouse with a tiny room for me, and the rest would just be plants. Okay, that's a good idea. You'd buy a big grow facility. Maybe. I should be fucking, people should be banging down my door

trying to get me to come grow for them. Fucking idiots. Yep. down my door trying to get me to come grow for them. Fucking idiots. You know? Apparently I'm going to get all my jail gone. What do you mean? That's this new Trudeau fella. Says you can get rid of all that drug stuff. He's not new.

The new? He's already went through his whole fucking term almost, didn't he? Yeah. Why is he out there fucking saying, vote for me now, then? Because he wants to be fucking prime minister again. He's trying, he's going to get through. He's been around, he's been in the role four years, right? People are going to choose, man, they're going to vote.

Wow, that was a fast four fucking years. Jesus, Murphy. Well, it just feels like yesterday when he was dressed up in some weird outfits with his family. Yeah, when he was over in India. And you called him handsome. I didn't say the man wasn't handsome. Well, you said he was handsome. I'd like to see somebody say he's not handsome,

because I'll call you a bullshitter. Okay. All right. He's a handsome man. You really think he's handsome, huh? I think he's very handsome. So if you were a chick, you'd bang him? No, see, doesn't mean anything to do with banging.

You don't need to be a chick. Okay, if you were a dude, would you bang him? No, I am a dude and I wouldn't. See, it was a trick question. I'm a dude. I know, I know. One of the coolest dudes you know. Pretty cool, man.

Believe me. So, did we ever finish the OMG? No. These things are fucking terrible. Oh, no, we did, yeah. They suck. It was that dumb fucking sex hotel. Sex hotel. This one's very interesting.

I can't wait. The longest distance ever traveled to buy a book is 3,950 miles. That's halfway around the sun. Or halfway around the earth. Emerson Sparks flew from Chicago to London to buy the fifth Harry Potter book. Now that is fascinating. Or did he make a trip out of it? Does he know about mail?

Amazon? I don't know. I'm just saying what the fucking thing says. You know what? He's a fucking idiot. Who would do that? Well, I'll tell you who. Emerson Spurts. Emerson? Spurts?

Emerson Spurts. Emerson Spurts. You're a dick. I think it's fucking kind of cool, but it's a waste of money. You must love Harry Potter. Holy fuck. There's a lot of Harry Potter fans out there.

You know how I sleepwalk sometimes? With a lot? Naked. This fucking woman in San Frendiego. No. What's down there? San Francisco or San Diego. Well, one of them.

Okay. San Frendiego. She was sleepwalking, and she swallowed her engagement ring. I heard about that. Because she was having a dream. She was on a high-speed train, and the only way to protect her engagement ring. I heard about that. Because she was having a dream. She was on a high-speed train, and the only way to protect her engagement ring was to swallow it.

So she did it. So she really did it. And she woke up, and she's like, fuck, where's my ring? Went to the hospital, ate her fucking ring. So I had to be careful. So what happened to it? She had to have her surgery really taken around.

No, man, she just got rid of it. She shed it out? surgery really taken around. No, man. She just got rid of it. She shed it out? Out the anus. Out her French anus? Yes. Yes, ma'am. Oh, fuck. Where did it come out from?

In this, babas. Yeah, she just got rid of it that way out of her frank janus oh see i read something said it had surgery rectumly removed or i don't know surgery well no surgery no man see look it's funny that you were talking about surgery i barely know him see that's the ring. That's in her chest line. And then it's gonna go down. Can you turn it this way? Out where? Just let me.

Hey, noose. Yeah, man. Take that. See it? Good? Done? Happy? I can't accentuate my arm far enough. Why do you want to grab it? I just couldn't see it.

It looks like a happy face. What is it supposed to be? It's a ring in a body. It looks like a happy face. What is it supposed to be? It's a ring in a body. It's an x-ray. That's a fucking x-ray, Ricky. Now I see it. What do you mean you see it? Everyone can see it. You can easily see that.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What is going on? I have no idea. What is happening? Okay. Is there like, is there a gas leak in here? There's something in this. Is there a gas leak?

Because I'm starting to get fucking crazy in here. Anyway. Wearing headphones. They had a thing that went up her anus. Anus. Anus. And they went and they grabbed it and got it out of there. Snaked the roof.

Oh, like a little snake pliers. It's a snake one with a hook on it. Like a little pair of snake pliers. That's cool. Yeah, we'll get in your pipe snake. Snake your pipes. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

Makes sense. Big time. Why? Because they're covered in stuff. They're all sweaty and gross and no one ever cleans them. I do. I clean my headphones. Never cleaned mine once.

But I got the big ones that go over your ears. So how is that getting bacteria into my ears? Because it's making them too warm. Bacteria likes warmth. It does. Where? How do you know? It does. It's How do you know? It does.

It's warm in there, man. It's a fucking feeding place for bacteria in your ears. Do you know that most of your heat comes out of your ears? If you put those on, it stops. Most of your heat doesn't come out of your fucking ears, right? No, man. Most of the heat comes out. That's why people get mad and he's like. That's a cartoon, man.

Fuck. You thought steam blew out of people's ears when they got mad? If you get mad enough, I think. Have you ever seen it in real life, Ricky, or just on fucking Donald Duck? I'd have to walk around with a mirror getting really mad, I guess. But have you ever seen steam blast out of my ears or his ears? It's like those little heat waves, you know? Makes it a little blurry.

Like you see off a pavement. Yeah, that's right. You've seen those, have you? It's probably just when you're on mushrooms. I'm guessing. Did you know... Ooh, doggy! Did you ever hear about this fucking toilet?

This 18-karat gold, real gold toilet. It's called America. Yes. What? America? Yeah. A golden sh toilet. It's called America. Yes. What? America? Yeah. A golden shitter, and somebody stole it. Yeah.

How'd you know about that? Because it was on the news, Ricky. Of course. Five million dollar fucking toilet. Five million bucks. Yes. Sold gold. And they think that it's not going to get stolen.

Well, it was at the gurglish time for a while. What is it, American, the what? The American toilet? And 100,000 people took it while they say peed on it or in it.

100,000. It wasn't a functioning toilet, was it? It absolutely was. From a British palace. But now, where's that? Holy fuck,

that's a nice toilet. The Eastern Wow. Churchman? Eastern Churchman. What's he trying to say? Eastern Churchman, probably West... He was the prime...

Was he a prime minister or president of... Winston Churchill. Bingo. It was that where he got born. And these people stole the... What did you call him? I don't remember. Easton Churchman. Winston Churchill. What about him?

How did I get Easton? It's not Weston Churchill, is it? No. Oh, man. The fuck? Look at that. It's a fucking... So people were doing it in the toilet? It's a toilet.

But I thought it was just on display. I didn't know you could go in and piss in the fucking thing. I don't imagine somebody in there regulating. No, but I thought it was out on display. Like, hey, look at this. It's a gold toilet that's not hooked up there. I think it was, but when it was out at the Gergelish, whatever the fuck it is.

The Guggenheim. Yes. You're good at these games. The property's caretakers. I'm not playing a game, Ricky. What is he talking about? He thinks we're playing a word game, but we're not. What word?

Okay, what was the last word then in the game, Rick? I didn't hear it. What was the game, Rick? I didn't hear it. What was the word, man? What did we do? I don't know, man. The Gerglenheim. The what? What?

The Gerglenheim. That's what he thought this place was, the museum. The Gerglenheim. Okay. I think that came from when you get the gurgles, when you got to take shit.

No, it's a place called Woodstock, England. No, that's where it got stolen from. Before that was that thing. Oh, the Gerglemiron. Yeah. And let's see if I can find something. It's Guggenheim he's talking about. It must be German maybe, is it?

Oh. What the fuck is going on here now? Oh, the Guggenheim. The Guggenheim Museum. The New York man. Yes. Okay. I don't know how much money you have on you these days, Julian,

but you know the woman that was married to Adolf Hitler, Eva Brown? I've heard of her, yeah. Who? Eva. Eva Brown. She has a pair of her panties that are going up for auction. Really? I figure they'll get her about $1,300, which isn't a lot, really.

$1,300 a box? For a pair of underwear? But they have her thing on it, like her name and shit. And you can buy her a nightie as well for $1,300. So $2,600 to get a pair of panties and her nightie. We could open up like a museum

with that shit. You know that, right? Yeah. Charge money to get in. Well, think about the stuff that went on with those two articles of clothing.

Her nightie and her panties with Hitler. Whose panties? Hitler's wife. Hitler's panties? Hitler's wife. Hitler's panties? Not Hitler's. Do you think Hitler ever had those on?

Fucking race he did. Fucking going crazy? Screaming at people? Kill everybody, give me my panties! Definitely. He was crazy. He was. He was a crazy...

Well, he was on drugs, he was on meth. I know, he was on meth. He was on crystal meth. He was on drugs. He was on meth. I know he was on meth. He was on crystal meth. He was fucked up. He was a jackass. He was giving all the soldiers that shit too. Say, here you go, boys. Go fucking fight.

What an asshole. Fucking Hitler was an asshole. You know that? So you're not, you know, if we, like, okay, say if we bought his wife's panties and her nightgown. Yeah. We opened up a museum, $10 to get in. Would you be down with that, or do you think that's not a good thing to do?

You could even do the tours. You could do the tours. What else is in the museum? You can't open a museum with one pair on your wrist. We have Eva Brown's panties. Hitler's hairy hands were probably down in these. That's right. We could have pictures of him and her and maybe other you know, other pictures we can find of him.

Maybe he's got the panties on in some picture somewhere. Were they washed or are they soiled? I don't know. I'm hoping they're probably washed. I'd say they're not washed. Would that make them worth more? Definitely. I would think it would, Ricky.

I mean, if you look at those Japanese vending machines, it's the soiled ones that go for the most. They don't really... I don't really believe... I'm glad you noticed that, bubs. I don't think those are real. They can't be real. They are, Ricky.

They have vending machines in Japan where you can buy dirty underwear in them. You can buy all kinds of shit in vending machines. Pretty much anything you can think of. You can get it out of a vending machine in Japan. You can get cars in of shit in vending machines. Pretty much anything you can think of. You can get it out of a vending machine. Car? You can get cars in vending machines can't you?

Yes. That's fucking cool. Car-rum or whatever the fuck they're called. Blow up dolls? Car-zina. Blow up fuck dolls, already pre-inflated fuck dolls. How big are these fucking vending machines? Huge, Ricky.

Huge. I was in Japan that one time and there was a fucking wall of vending machines? Huge, Ricky. Huge. I was in Japan that one time, and there was a fucking wall of vending machines. Like, as far as you could see, you could buy everything. They're fucking smart. Who? The people that did that. Yeah.

Because you don't have anybody working there. It's just a smart machine. It says, yeah, I'll take your money, and I'll spit out one of these for you. Yeah, that's what it says. If a fella could make a machine that could do that, wow. They've got them. Oh, Ricky, that's what we're talking about.

Got machines for everything. Did you know in 2003, Yep. Bootylicious and Betch Slap were both officially added to the dictionary. Bootylicious and Betch Slap were both added. That's after that song came out, right? Well, I would think.

Bootylicious? I would think Bootylicious. Body's so bootylicious for you, babe. I don't think you're ready for this jelly. I don't think you're ready for this jelly I don't think you're ready for this jelly But it's just bootylicious for you babe Remember I used to rock to that? Is that Beyonce?

I think so Remember you used to try to twerk to it Remember? They didn't even have twerking back then Oh you used to do a thing similar I didn't used to do that bubs You're fucked You alright Ricky? I'm good now That was a weird wig Oh, you used to do a thing similar. I didn't used to do that, Bubbs. You're fucked.

You all right, Ricky? I'm good now. That was a weird wave. Now I want to go to sleep. No, you can't go to sleep. I hate coming down. Isn't there a song about that? There's a bunch of them, I think.

That is a nice looking toilet. This is the real deal. That's the one, look at that all. That's where, that's the, uh... That's the place, right? So this is... So it was plumbed in. Oh fuck. Right in, man. And you could go in and take a...

Whatever you wanted. Take a golden shit. You know what I bet you that is? I bet you that's C-3PO's toilet. That's what it looks like, isn't it? It looks like, yeah. I would like to see C-3PO sitting on that toilet. So I wonder what the fuck,

they would have melted it down, I guess, would they? Well, it'd be hard to sell that on Kijiji, Ricky. You'd want to melt her down to the gold. Definitely. It can't be solid gold, though. It's solid gold, man. 18 karat. Solid gold. Definitely, you don't want to be handled. It can't be solid gold though. It's solid gold, man. 18 karat, solid gold. Solid gold toilet, it'd be worth more than five million.

How the fuck would you carry it? Holy fuck, people were paying 33 bucks to see this fucking toilet. Not to see it, to use it. Oh, okay, but allowed them to use the function in lieu for a maximum of three minutes each. 33 bucks for three minutes on the toilet. That's a lot of fucking money, man.

So if you buy a burrito, that's 12, 14 bucks. You're not getting that. Some fries. You're not getting that in three minutes. Oh, burrito. Holy fuck, okay, we gotta do the math on this, man. So if you had a burrito, 12 bucks, and a drink with fries, you're in around 18 bucks.

Then a $33 shit. It, and a drink with fries, you're in around 18 bucks, then a $33 shit. It's not a cheap day. Expensive lunch. Would it feel differently shitting on a golden toilet? No, Ricky, it wouldn't. You don't think you'd feel more powerful? If you're fucked in the head, maybe. Listen, what's that? Fuck, man.

You know what? Sounds like a hair show. 12-hour day, you're making 12 grand on that fuck. No, 8 grand on that toilet. Oh, boys, you know what that is? That's a lot of fucking money. I'm going to pull it up on flight radar. You know what that is going over? It's a fucking big plane, it sounds like,

but I don't know what it is exactly. No, it is, too. It's the top ACES, Dornier Alpha Jet. They're these little two-seater jets, and they've been around Halifax, flying out over the ocean, doing combat training. I got to get in one of these fucking... Two-seater jet.

What's it called? It's top ACES. What's the deal with them? I don't know why they're here, but they're... Who are they? Where are they from? I think they're from... I don't know. I thought they were from California,

but they've got six jets here. Fuck, yeah. And they're flying around, training. I saw them. I got to call those cocksuckers up. See if I can get in one of those things. Will you take us, man? Come on. These things are badass, boss. It's only a two in one of those things. Will you take us, man? Come on.

These things are badass, boss. It's only a two seat, Ricky. Those motherfuckers. Yes, that just flew over and I just checked it on flight radar. Those are fucking cool. Decent. That'd be cool to get up on those things, man. I don't know why there's only one going over.

He's at 12,548 feet, traveling at 326 knots currently. Currently over Duncan's Cove out by Sanbrow. That was quick. Yeah, it didn't take him long, eh? Oh, no, he's talking, boys. He's in a fucking jet. He's straight line. Well, he's over Portuguese call right now, actually.

All right. Decent. I might, you know what, boys? I might go try to call those people right now with my new phone. Say, hey, I noticed you're flying around. My airspace. If you're going to be in my airspace, you're going to have to take me for a ride. And your two buddies.

Yeah. Well, they're only two seaters. Well, there's more than one plane, man. If there's more than one plane, I'll ask them. But, I mean, first, if there's only one plane and there's only one ride to be had, it's me that's getting it. Those things travel in flocks.

I know there's six of them landed because I got an alert on my phone. My new phone gives me alerts when jets are flying over. You got a new phone? Yeah, Julian got it for me. Look at that. Isn't it nice? Yes, it's a smartphone. It's a smartphone, Ricky. Who do you think's smarter, you or your phone? Well, it depends on what you're asking. The phone's smarter than me when it comes to, you know, it can hook to the internet, Ricky, and download whatever it wants. So can you. No, not with my brain, I can't. I'm gonna go call the top ACES people, boys.

All right, you do that, I got some shit to do with my phone. Okay, so hopefully next week, I'll be telling stories about my trip in the jet. With your two friends. Yeah, what about us? Well, let's worry about getting me up in one first. God damn it.