Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 28 - I Think I Love You

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

On today's BAKED episode: Bubbles' singing gopher, how to tickle a star, lesbian koalas, and how to make the Egyptian pyramids more awesomer. And guess which school supplies item Julian once get stuck up his p**shole!!

. . . . . . . Ricky, what in the name of fuck did we smoke?

. Hmm? . . What are you drumming? I like it, man. Keep going. What in the name of God did you roll up to smoke? Oh, yeah.

I can't even punch it. That was Jonathan Bonham. It's who? Jonathan Bonham? Jonathan Bon-Anna? Jonathan Bon-Ham, was it? Wasn't as good as him, obviously. John Bonham, no, not quite as good as John Bonham. That was little Moby Dick. I gotta try to drink myself down.

Do it. I'm gonna try to drink myself up higher. Maybe tickle a stair. I'm gonna try to drink myself up higher. Maybe tickle a star. Let's go star tickling tonight, boys. Let's get that high. Like who? John Travolta?

Does he get that high? No, I mean, do you want to, what star do you want to tickle? No, the eyes in the sky. Oh, the stars. You couldn't tickle a star, Ricky. You'd burn to death. You wouldn't get anywhere close to it. If you stood far enough away with a set of tongs.

No, Ricky. Or a feather. You know how long the tongs would have to be to get near a star? Nipple fungus. Not to mention the tongs would melt as soon as you put them towards the star. Today's swear word is nipple fungus. Ah, that's terrible, Ricky. What would it look like?

Not good. Julian? What? Oh yeah, he's here. What, yeah, I'm here. Get up here. I've been busy, okay? We're doing something.

I am doing something myself. Welcome to the P, the P-A-D. The what? Is that what it is? Park After Dark. It is Friday, October 11. What's this guy's deal, Ricky? He's just a happy little fucking critter.

But he takes batteries. What does he do? Oh, fuck, I don't know. I might take it to a whole new level. Do you got a little screwdriver? Do it. I could build one. See if you can get me a little screwdriver, Ricky.

Fuck's sakes. He takes batteries. All right, okay. Boys, guess what? Guess what? Guess what? What? You're not going to like this, Bob,, but you're gonna have to deal with it. But I'm getting a dog. You're not getting a fucking dog.

I'm gonna get a fucking dog. Give me a steak knife, Ricky. Steaker knife? Oh, never mind. I'm getting a fucking dog, buddy. Never mind. Look at this shit coming together, eh? I wonder if he's gonna do a dance for us.

That'd really make me happy right now. Would it? Yeah. I might even dance along with the little guy. What would make you so happy about that, Ricky? I'd love a little dance on Friday. You like to have a little dance, don't you? Who could dance?

A wolf dog, bubs. It's gonna be a fucking wolf dog. What is? The dog I'm getting. Don't get a wolf. You're not getting a fucking wolf dog. My kitties will not like a wolf dog. That's what I'm saying.

You've had kitties your entire life. I've never had a pet. I'm getting a fucking wolf dog. Did you read the story about the big bad wolf, bud? What happened in the big bad wolf? It wasn't pretty. What happened? He got killed.

How did he die? I don't remember, but I think he got eaten. Okay, this is a wolf dog. It's a chilled dog. Are those brand new die? I don't remember, but I think he got eaten. Okay, this is a wolf dog. It's a... It's a chilled dog, man. Are those brand new batteries? I don't know. Plus, what do you got there, man? What is that? It takes triple A's.

They might be still good though, for all I know. Yeah, is there a- But I can't find an on switch. That's the problem. Well, that's the fucking problem. He's got a trap door. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. I just found him and Ricky doesn't know what he does. Well, because he doesn't seem that exciting. But now we think he might be.

Well, we've got to figure out what the fuck the thing does now. Maybe rip his tail off? No, Ricky, don't rip it off. No, no, no. What if he smacks my head? That might be his sensor. Well, he's got no batteries in him right now, boys. He's not going to do fuck all, is he? I wasn't rip it off. No, no, no. That might be a sensor. What do you feel? It's smacking my head. Well, he's got no batteries in him right now, boys. He's not going to do fuck all, is he?

I wasn't saying do it. I was just saying, what if we did this? Well, let me put these back in. Did you stir it yet, or are we just waiting until this is done to stir it? Come on. It's like a 30-year-old battery. Hey, bud. Do something.

What's your deal? What do you do? Talk to him. What's your thing? Do something. You've got to say please. Bud. Do something. Maybe you've got to turn it off do? Talk to him. What's your thing? Do something. You got to say please. Bud. Do something.

Maybe you got to... Oh, he moves and stuff. I can tell. He does dance. He's got gears and stuff, but there's no on switch. Fuck, there has to be, man. Come on. Maybe you need this.

Do you need this back on? I think the batteries are dead. Here, look him up online. Get his manual going. What the fuck is... What is the name of it? Do you got any numbers? Nothing.

He's just a... Just a fucking... What is this thing? He's had... Is he a squirrel? He's a squirrel with a flower. He could be a prairie dog. He's a prairie dog with a flower and a heart.

What were those things on Caddyshack? A gopher. He could be a gopher. on Caddyshack? A gopher. No, he's too small for a gopher. Do you not have any more batteries? Battery-operated Prairie... What did I say? Oh, just wait. He's from...

Oh, here we go. He's from Jemmy Industries. G-E-M-M-Y. Jemmy Industries. Are you serious? Yeah. Get her fired up. Jemmy Industries. Just a second. Let. Get her fired up. Jemmy Industries.

Just a second. Let me get on the fucking move. Did we start yet? Just a second. We could start. All the buttons. Jemmy? All the buttons have a button.

Oh, these have... Okay, what is it? J-E-M-M? Oh, but there's more screws involved. What's a J-E? Buzz. J-E-M-M-Y. Industries?

Jemmy Industries, yes. Boys, this is fucked. Did we start? There's a G. No, Ricky, you gotta start it. G or J? G. That's what I thought.

It's October 11th. I did say that at some point. Who gives a fuck, Ricky, what the date is? I'd like to raise a glass. People that follow along at home? Ah, fuck. Okay. Ellen Needleman slash O'Neal.

What about her? Two fucking DUIs in one day. No, she didn't. Yep. Why are you toasting her, Ricky? She sounds fucked. Well, I'm toasting to how fucked she is, I guess. Not even me could have been done to that.

You've got two in one day. No. Yes, you did. I've been involved in two, but it wasn't me both times. Fuck. She got fucking smoked. Saturday afternoon, she crashed into a car in a parking lot. Dumb.

She's dumb. 0.23. Idiot. And then eight hours later, she's only 0.09, so she slowed down. She didn't stop. But she said fucking I'm going again. She got nailed again. This time she got nailed for driving without a license because she lost the first fucking

DUI. Because you know why? She probably thought that she was sober enough. Who's fucking buzzing around on the dirt bikes? I hope that's not Randy. He was talking about buying a dirt bike. He'll kill himself. I hope he didn't buying a dirt bike. He'll kill himself. I hope he didn't buy a dirt bike.

I also want to make, what are those, the service announcements for the public called? Public service announcements, Ricky. Yes, I want to make one of those, and it's about fucking cell phone chargers with fucking chains. I burnt the fuck out of my neck because I went to sleep with my cell phone charged,

and I don't know if the cocksucking charger hit my chain or what the fuck happened, but my neck was fucked for about four days. So be careful. What do you mean the charger touched it? Something gave me electrical current going through this cocksucker and it burnt the fuck out of my neck.

So be careful. Don't go to sleep with your phone on your head. You don't do that anyway, man. People do it, I bet. I'm not the only one. How do you know those batteries work? Well, they were making the horns go on the batteries. Yeah, but he looks like he needs more power.

He might. How old is that fucking mouse thing? I don't know. Is there a year on the fucking thing? You can't find this company? I found the company, but do you know how many fucking toys this company makes? They can't make too many gophers with fucking... Just pick any dancing fucking animal.

What do you think I'm doing? I'm fucking Googling this shit. It probably has the same fucking goddamn on-off switch somewhere. Gopher. Smart company. Let's hide the fucking on-off switch. Maybe it needs music. It could be cued by music. Jack one two hey bud! Sing a song. Oh I'm a dancing little mouse. He's not a mouse. He's not a fucking, he's not a hedgehog. Oh just wait. Oh I feel something in the back of his neck. That's a good

place to put it. No I think you smashed him Ricky smashed him, Ricky. Did I? I think so. I think he's broken. I think he's got a broken spine. Well, let's take him here. Let me... You just gotta love him, maybe. He'll come back to life. Give him some love, man. That's what he's gonna hurt. Rick, just wait. I'm sure we can make this thing work. Hello? If you can convince it that you love

it, it'll start to dance. Are you kidding me? No, you did not. Suck, man. Fuck. That's awesome. Oh, look, if you just help him along a little bit, look. Loosen him up. Yeah.

That was fantastic. It's in his foot, boys. I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. Awesome, man. Look at him go, boys. It's the Purchase family.

I think I love you. He's just spreading love around the world. I love this guy. It just brought back a whole lot of memories, man. I love this guy. The hidden switch is in his left foot. Cock sucker. What a great little guy you are.

Spreading the word of love. Well, that's mystery solved. That's a good one, man. Holy fuck. So what was it one, man. Holy fuck. So what was it? You just changed the batteries. Okay. Well, the other batteries might have been fine, and I just didn't find his foot switch. We pressed everything back.

But why does he say, I think I love you? That's not very confident. Oh, he goes on his own luck. Oh, yeah, you loosened him up, man. He just needed a bit of love. Well, no, he goes on his own look. Oh, yeah, you loosened him up, man. You just need a bit of love. Well, no, he pauses. He's a pretty good little dancer. He's not a bad dancer.

Cute little fella. What's his name, Ricky? Name him. Cupid. Who? Name him. Cupid. Who? Cupid. Cupid. Cupid.

The little... Cupid's a gopher. Cupid's traditionally not a gopher, Ricky. The Parcher's family. Cupid's traditionally a cherub, I believe. All right, I'll come up with a name before... Jesus, be careful, man. Nice one.

Whoo! All right. Nice, man. Woo! All right. Okay, what are we dealing with? Well, you know how Mo thought. Did we ever say welcome to Park After Dark? I don't remember. We're almost done, aren't we? Does it seem like it's been an hour?

So we did start. If you're baked as you are. You know how Mo wants a fucking koala bear for a pet? Okay, yeah. Not gonna work out. No kidding, man. I guess they got sharp teeth and fucking claws. And where are you gonna fucking find... It's a bear, Ricky.

It's not, actually. A koala bear isn't a bear. No, they fucked up the name. Well, it's a vicious animal. It's actually... Where the fuck did that go now? Lesbian? No.

Why do you have lesbian written down? I'll come to that. Oh, no. See, there aren't knotting bears related to kangaroo and wombalats. Wombats and kangaroos. Oh, yeah. Those are the ones with the square ship balls. Yes.

They do ship cubes out of their cube holes. Out of their anus. Their anus. Oh yeah, those are the ones with the square ship balls. Yes, they do shit in cubes. Out of their cube holes. Out of their anus. Their anus. Very good, boss. The French anus. Some other fun facts about Koala bears, if you're interested. Sure, man. Can't wait for this.

They only stay awake for four hours a day. Fuck off. That's why that's a pretty good pet. You don't have to fuck around with them four hours a day. They'll claw you up. Yeah, kill you. They're only good if you're sleeping. The four hours they are alive, they want to kill you.

When they get born, they're only five grams. And I know how big that is. That's like a small piece of hash. Two centimeters long. Koala bears. Yeah, koala. Koalas. Koala roos Yeah, koala. Koalas. Koalaroos.

Koalas. Koalas. That's a funny word. And there's only 2,000 to 8,000 of the cocksuckers left because people are fucking around with their goddamn habitat, Charisse. Koala. How many's left? Only 2,000 to 8,000. You'd think they could narrow it down a little better.

2,000 to 8,000. Yeah. That's a pretty big gap. Koala. But 90 fucking percent drop in population in less than 10 years. That's a lot of death. That's terrible. Fucking koalas.

Why? They're fucking over their habitat. They're getting hit by cars and, you know, people fucking koala. You know why they hug trees? Not because they're tree huggers. But they are. To keep cool. Trees keep them cool. That's what they say. Where did you

get all the koala facts, Ricky? I read it on koala.com. Oh, wow. You weren't on koala.com. Oh, 50 to 90% of females have chlamydia, so you wouldn't want to... Are you kidding me? Humans or bears?

No, koalas. Bear? They have koala chlamydia? Yeah. How did that happen? Because they're horny animals. Yeah, but come on. No, but see, here's the other thing.

In captivity, they show more lesbian tendencies. Up to five females at a time. Getting her going. Getting the grinderino going. Grinderino. How do you know they grind, Ricky? Like five together. And they're just sitting there just grinding.

But how do you know they're grinding? They might be just doing other things. No, I'm sure they're doing sitting there just grinding. But how do you know they're grinding? They might be just doing other things. No, I'm sure they're doing all of it. They've got bare fingers. Bubs. And they also got fucking crazy claws, don't they? And long tongues. There you go.

There we go. So you don't know that they're just grinding. Forgetting them to... They only eat ukuleks to the best trees or leaves. Wicked, man. Wicked. Wow. I guess they eat so much of this shit that they smell like that.

Like what? You can literally click this. Try one more time, Ricky. Sound it out. Use your words. Use your letters. You, you, cool, leap, leap, this. It's even worse.

Say it as fast as you can. Oogie-lee-this. That's a little better. Make a song out of it, Ricky. I'll give you B. I'm a leaf. I'm a oogie-lee-this tree. Okay.

What was the lyric, I'm a leaf? From that tree. Good man. Oh boys. Wow. That stops really. It's a song about how you have two options in life. You can either fall to the ground,

or you get eaten by a fucking koala roo. Wow. It's pretty deep, man, for what, five words? It's a kid's song. Did you know that Panama hats are actually made in Ecuador? Wow. Why would they do that, man? Are you not excited about that? Oh, it's back to those, these fucking OMG shit hats.

So are we supposed to say OMG? Wow, I can't believe it i would appreciate it show some kind of interest all right more germs are transferred by shaking hands and by kissing did you know that yeah what if you're kissing a big germ what's the fun for kissing somebody's hand why what if you're kissing somebody's hand? Why? What if you're kissing somebody's hand? While they're shaking hands and you go up and kiss them on the hand. You did though. What if you're sucking on someone's fingers?

That'd probably be extra bad. I would think so. Then they're going right in your mouth. What are...fingers? No. Then they're going right in your mouth. What are fingers? Finger germs. Let's talk finger germs, boys.

Finger germs are the type of germs that live on your fingers. And they are a particular germy. They are, because you're touching everything. They are particularly germy. You're not, like, rubbing your face on everything. Your hands are, like, touching everything. When's the last time you touched your wiener and didn't wash your hands?

I always wash my hands, man. No, you don't. Yes, I fucking do. When you piss on the side of Ricky's trailer, where do you wash your hands? Okay, that's when you're getting drunk. That's a different thing. Don't be pissing on my trailer there, big fella. Hey, I'm sorry.

But I will, and I did. When was the world's first skyscraper belt, boys? I'm going to have to say early 50s. Nope. Fuck, man, I don't know. 80s? World first skyscraper. Define skyscraper.

A tall, super tall building that touches the sky, Ricky. Scrapes. How many levels does a skyscraper have to be? I don't fucking know. I think it's a minimum of 30. Is it 30? No, it's gotta be't fucking know. I think it's a minimum of 30. Is it 30? No, it's got to be more than that.

I mean 50. 50 maybe. Or maybe 80. What's the minimum requirement for it to be a skyscraper? Anyway, I'm going to say how old. Give me a hint. Well, just picture. What hundred years would it have been?

Picture some of those pictures. Are they old? Yeah, old. Does the castle count? No, this is... 1810. No. Fuck. Later than that.

I thought I was giving them too much credit. 1810? No. That's not it, man. gonna say fucking and this you can't include like the church no this gotta be 30 it's gotta be a big motherfucker just looked it up yeah 40 floors man 40 floors is the oh i'm gonna change my guess then because i know that they built the 30 floor one in 1810 you don't know, Ricky, to save your fucking life. Yeah, it was the Jimmy Diefenbaker building. The Jimmy Diefenbaker building.

What city was that in? It was Texas, but I don't remember. The Jimmy Diefenbaker building in Texas in 1810 was 30 floors. He was running the FBI back then. Jimmy D. Baker was. I think it was him. There was no FBI in 1810, Ricky. Must have been the DEA then.

So what is the answer? Is it like, what is it? 1885. Fuck. 1884. It took them that long? 1885. What about pyramids?

Yeah, because you looked it up. You didn't look up anything, man. Pyramids are almost that tall, isn't it? Pyramids aren't 40 floors, I don't think. Is there an elevator in the pyramids now? No, they're not going to put a fucking elevator in there. They might. They put a Burger King right beside the fucking thing.

Yeah, but that's not in it. It's right beside it. What? They're not going to put an elevator in the fucking pyramid, man. Why not? It is there. Say, do any of the pyramids have an elevator in them? What if you put plastic over the entire pyramid?

Tours. And just ran water down it and turned it into the world's biggest water slide. You can just all go down at once. That'd be cool. And it's right in the desert, isn't it? It is. That's perfect. You'd always have warm water.

The pyramids. Pyramid water park. Make a fuck of a lot more money than going to look at dumb fucking gold. What are the chances that a dollar bill contains remnants of cocaine? A lot. I think it's like, I'm going to say 66%. What percentage of likelihood is it that a dollar bill has remnants of cocaine on it? 87.

Jesus, that's hard. 80%. Wow! That's close, man. 80% of dollar bills have cocaine on them. So if you started smoking money, you might do all right. You don't want to be smoking money, Ricky. For fuck's sake, trying to get a little bit of cocaine off of it.

To smoke it. What are you looking up over there? I'm looking up the fucking elevators, man. It's like such a... No, man. Elevators? In a fucking pyramid. He was joking.

No, I wasn't. I wasn't. Okay. Are they solar powered at least? No. Holy fuck, this one. You'll like this one, Ricky. I fucking hope so, because I'm getting pissed off. How many years, so when the person invented the pencil, okay,

they didn't invent the fucking eraser. How many years after the pencil was invented? Well, I think that would be expected a lot. I mean, you come up with a pencil, like, fuck, you just, like, automatically go, well, fuck, bud. You can't come up with that. You gotta come up with something that gets rid of it. So how many years later? I'm gonna say a lot.

Like, how many? 20? Nope. 22? I'm gonna say, fucking... 200. 229. It's 220 years. That's a fucking long time to not think. It's 220 years?

Holy fuck, I was sort of joking. No, so somebody invented the pencil and then nobody for 220 years thought, fuck, I wish I could get rid of that. Thing that I just wrote on that page, because if I could just erase that... So, really, Eraser Guy's smarter. And probably a fuck of a lot more richy.

Than Pencil Man? Yes. I don't think so. Pencil Man probably got pretty boring after a while. Yeah, but he had 220 years to make his fortune before Eraser Guy even showed up. But Eraser Guy probably sold stuff stuff for a lot more money, and everybody needed one,

because they already had the pencils from Pencil Guy. Yeah, but Eraser Guy, he took too fucking long, and he missed the boat. Although, once he figured out how to make those smelly erasers. Oh, see, that was a whole new level for him. Strawberry erasers, I bet you. That's the thing. Pencil guy just stuck with the same old pencil.

That was it. Well, no, he... At some point, a race guy went to him and said, Bud, come on, you got to let me in here and put me on top of your pencils. And they made some sort of a deal, I guess. Like the peanut butter and chocolate people. But he never made many changes to it,

whereas racer guy, he's always coming up with something new and cool. So he probably did a deal with him where he's like, look, we'll put my eraser on the end of your pencil, split her 50-50. But then he probably went, you know what, fuck you, bud, I'm going to make fucking strawberry shortcake erasers and sell them to the kids. And then he started making those ones, the little puzzle erasers and shit. He's always fucking coming up with an eraser guy. He's a smart fucking dude. Eraser guy?

Or maybe it's a woman. Probably is. Probably is. Have you guys ever eaten an eraser? Yes. I chewed on them. The grape ones, they're not great. They don't taste like grape.

They smell good. If you keep smelling through your nose as you're chewing them, not bad. Okay, there's a tip for everybody. What? If you're going to eat one of those scented erasers, breathe in as you chew so you can at least smell it. It smells like it tastes good, but it doesn't taste good. Because it's a fucking eraser. Remember that time you got a pencil eraser shoved in your asshole and you couldn't get it out? I knew you were going to fucking bring that up

Well it's worth talking about Well it was a fucking accident How? I still You never clarified why I had a pencil in my pocket There was a hole in my pocket I got fucking booted by this chick Who was in front of me by accident

Eraser went through the pocket Bing didn't have underwear on that day, right in the piss hole, and that's what's taken over. That seems awfully fishy to me, Julian. Yeah. What do you think I was doing? What are the mathematical chances? I think you were sitting around, Bait, going, I wonder if that'll fit in my piss hole. No, I didn't.

That's what I think. Who would do something like that? You. Not me. There's people out there. Who would do something like that? You. Not me. There's people out there that probably would do that, but not this guy. Hmm. Maybe you're trying to erase what happened the night before. Yeah.

I never thought of that. Oh, brilliant, man. That's exactly what happened. No, I was raw dogging. I was raw dogging. I was raw dogging. I better erase the end of this thing. What the fuck is raw dogging? You know.

Bear Bird. Bear Bird. Rain Coatless. Do a what? Rain Coatless. Rain Coatless. I know a guy named Rain Coatless. Rain Coatless. I knew a guy named Rain Coatless.

Jimmy Hatless. Jimmy Hatless? Jimmy No Hat. Hit that fucking thing. I can't find it on the internet anywhere. It's just, you know, I think they made one of these, but it's a one-off. Okay, are we? What?

We're not done, are we? Yeah, we're fucking done. I don't know, boys. Well, I think, Ricky, I think it's getting close to that time, you know. Wore the shirt dedication to your mothers. What is it? It's loud. Like our mothers. Fuck.

I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. So when I'm up there, I'm still up. I'm still there, I'm not too late. I love you, don't you know. Great times. I think I love you.

I think I love you. I think I love you. I think I love you. So it's very good to go. But I'm not up there to go. I'm starting to hate how happy you are. Me too, you know? I'm getting sick of them already.

Ricky, just leave him alone. I guarantee you that thing's not going to make it through the fucking night. You better hope I don't drink rum tonight, pal. Ricky, you don't get so drunk you're slurring your pauses like you did last time. I serve word at a bet? best. What did I do? You got so drunk last week you were slurring your pauses. What does that get to mean? I don't know. Oh, okay. You were fucked up.

Okay, boys, just look into the camera and shut up. Shutting up now.