Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 30 - Green Eggs and Ham and Liquor and Dope

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

Ricky tests the Motel's favourite ninja sword, imagines a wild night out with Dr. Seuss and Mr. Rogers, and gets learnt about Instant-gram! Plus: Guess which grumpy pumpy muscleman isn't on Bubbles' Christmas card list this year!    

Don't fucking break that, man. I'm trying to fix the fucking thing. It's fucking Moe's fever toy. No kidding. He told me to take a look at it for him. You should keep fucking with it. Ricky, I'm on the Instagram. What does that mean? It's this thing. I don't know if I even should explain it to you.

It's an app where you can put up pictures, and people can put up pictures, and then they talk about your pictures and... Sounds kind of dumb. It is sounding kind of dumb the way I'm explaining it, but it's all the rage. Instagram, it should be like you instantly get a gram. Gram of weed or gram of hash.

You just press something in your phone, boom, instant. Well, Ricky, do you know what that would be worth? If you could build an app that instantly spit a gram of hash out of your phone? You'd be a billionaire overnight. Put a fucking wrench on you, adjustable wrench. What's the chances that you pissed on this thing and you forgot totally about it? They're not that high. Mo might have pissed on it. I don't know.

Why would I piss on a fucking remote-controlled car? Because there's some shit dripping out of it. It's probably liquor. Lick. Maybe one of Bubba's cats snuck in here and pissed on it. I don't fucking know. What? Well, it's fucked. What's pissed on it?

This. The remote controlled truck. Fucking Jesus. That Mo loves. Here, Ricky, do you want to be on the Instagram? Do you want me to put one on you? Will it get me an Instagram? Mate. Mate. Here, look at me.

Fuck sakes. Look at me, Ricky. Say something. What? Talk. Uh, I'm all knived out. What? I'm fucking, I don't know what to say, man.

I'm working on fucking my swords here for Moe, so he doesn't get hurt. But I don't have a god damn right. I'm just trying to figure out how to work this cocksucker. Work what? Julian. What? Look, you're on the Instagram machine. Don't put me on the fucking Instagram machine, boss.

Why? I don't want to be on the Instagram machine. Fuck off. Fucking fuck. Do you have a fucking adjustable wrench on you or not? Why in the fuck would I have an adjustable wrench on me, Ricky? Because you have tools sometimes. Not on me.

For fuck's sake, Ricky. There, look at that. I'm. Instagram. Okay, boys, are we gonna... Fucking beautiful, man. Thank you. Just gotta look around, man. That's not gonna work for that. If you get the clothes through then it does.

Here, what about that? We're already on the thing here. They're rolling. Show started. OK. Well, get it started then. It's not going to work either. What are you trying to do, man? I'm trying to tighten this fucking nut up

because the handle's loose and Mo almost cut himself with it. Why is Mo playing with a fucking big giant sword? Because he likes ninja things. But you don't give him real weapons, Ricky. With real blades. They're really not that sharp. But he could fucking... He could put his eye out with that very easily.

He could also become a fucking professional ninja. He'd start them young. Look at fucking Sidney Crosby. He's not a ninja. No, but he wouldn't be as good as he was if he didn't start when he was young. We should take him out to the fucking playground and get him to hang on monkey bars. Fucking good as new. Get him to exercise. They're not using weapons first.

Yeah, and you should be teaching him the ways of the ninja. I was trying to teach him how to throw these fucking things, but do you know how to... That's not a throwing... That's not a throwing knife, Ricky. Jesus, Murphy. The fuck not a throwing knife, Ricky. Jesus, Murphy. The fuck is wrong with you, man? You need to read books

and teach them the ways of the ninja. Okay. With, like, bamboo fucking sticks and shit, not real swords. Yes, like, this is not something you give a child. It's not for kids. Look at this. This is fucked. That's a real Japanese killing knife.

I got no more nuts. Well, I've got nuts, but I don't have, you know what I mean? There's no nut for air. Where did you get this, Ricky? This looks like it's actually ancient. I think I may have went to Japan one time. I don't know. You've never been to Japan.

That is an actual, I think that's an ancient killing. Let me see it, man. Ancient killing knife. No, man, that wasn't ancient killing knife. Let me see it, man. Ancient killing knife. No, man, that wasn't used to kill anybody. How do you know? Look at number, look at that. Like, that's not... You could still stab somebody with it.

That's plastic right there. That's fucking plastic. No, it isn't, is it? It's plastic. Oh, yeah. That is not a real knife. No, it's not a real. That actually looks like it was just made out of tin.

Somebody made that in a metal shop and then just bought a fancy sheath for it. There. Fucking good as new. Okay, boys. The thing is happening. The show is already on. All right, perk after dark. How's it going, everybody?

I don't have anything to talk about. Me neither. I'm fucking busy. Okay, well, I guess we get nothing to talk about today. Welcome to Park After Dark. I'm your host, Bubbles. And this episode is going to be about what to do when you have nothing prepared for your TV show.

Hey, where the fuck is my other sword? It's right here. Oh, thanks. So sometimes when you have a show that you do every week, sometimes you forget that it's the day you're going to do it and you have nothing prepared. I think I can cut this bottle right down the... Ricky, if you cut my...

That's a fresh bottle. Do you have any... different types of round fruit? You're not playing Fruit Ninja in the house. Fuck, it's such a fun game. I did throw an orange... Okay, here we go, here we go. Pretend this is...

VR Fruit Ninja is very fun. Get that out. Pretend this is a piece of watermelon or something. Ready? Ricky, you haven't played VR Fruit Ninja yet very fun. Get that out. Pretend this is a piece of watermelon or something. Ready? Ricky, you haven't played VR Fruit Ninja yet. Ready? What does that even mean? Okay, here we go.

Here we go. All right. Yes! Oh! Nice one. Perfect. Got me right in the gizzard. Did it get in half?

No. Not even close, man. The box got me right in the gizzard. It just got a little dent in it. Can you sharpen these fucking things? I can, but I'm not. No, don't. I could. I could make in the ginsu. It's just got a little dent in it. Can you sharpen these fucking things? I can, but I'm not. No, don't. I could.

I could make that sharper than ginsu. Remember the ginsu I had? Yeah. I got one of the first ginsus that ever came out on the market. And remember all the stuff we cut up with it, Ricky? Remember we were cutting leather bags in half and branches? We built a whole fucking tree fort with the Ginsu. Remember, I cut a tin can just like in the commercial.

It did work pretty good, but it didn't last very long, did it? The Ginsu? I had the Ginsu for fucking nine years. That's pretty good out of a knife you get off the TV. Ginsu knife. All right. Okay. Let's see what the curse word of the day is. All right. Okay. Let's see what the curse word of the day is.

All right, let's start with the curse word. Wow, that's a good one. Pussy glob. Jesus, Murphy. What would that be? Well, it's... Just a glob of something? Discharge.

Yeah, discharge. That's what it is, bubs. That's terrible. Pussy glob, did you prearrange that, or did that really just... No. Great band name. Sissy sandwich. I'm in a sissy sandwich right now. I'm the meat.

I'm the meat in a sissy sandwich. I've got to fucking try it too, bubs. I'm the meat in a sissy sandwich. I'm in a sissy sandwich right now. I'm the meat. I'm the meat in a sissy sandwich. I gotta fucking try it too, Buzz. I'm the meat in a sissy sandwich. Julian is a pussy glob. Bud pincher. That's lame. That is lame. That's nothing compared to pussy glob. That's a bad one.

Here I have some facts. All right, they better be fucking interesting this week, because I fucking normally don't like this. When you talk on a cell phone while you're driving, you're increasing your chances of being in an accident by 400%. 400, bullshit. I'd say around 23, not 400. Well, this is the OMG facts.

This is all fact checked. Here's what I don't understand though. You can't talk to your cell phone, but you can talk on a Bluetooth there. What's the difference? They don't want you doing this, looking down at your phone. But if you can say,

hey, phone, call my friend, and you have a thing and you can still drive, that's fine. It's the looking down part. I didn't know you could even do that. You just press a thing and you can still drive. That's fine. It's the looking down part I didn't know you could even do that. You just press a button. Yeah, you can just go like this Hey phone, please call Julian and it'll just call you. Fuck. How how does it know? AI Ricky artificial intelligence. I Hate getting it's murdered by electronical things. I do More Ricky. I mean you can't compete with electronical things these days. Oh, man.

I mean, this computer right here. Yeah. Smarter than all three of us combined. Like, not even in the same ballpark. Oh, okay. Or the whole park. So I shouldn't let it bother me. Smarter than everybody in the park.

Totally, man. Combined. So I shouldn't let it bother me? What? That the things are getting too smart. No. You just gotta go with it, man. You gotta embrace it.

You gotta use it to your advantage. Exactly. To make money, to pick up chicks, whatever you wanna do. What? What technology do you- It's the dating services. That's what- Yes. There you go.

Social media. What's that one you downloaded called Grindr? Yeah. There's millions on one called Grindr. What's that one you downloaded called Grindr? Yeah. Julian's on one called Grindr. It's some kind of a dating app. What? Have you met anybody on it? I'm not on Grindr.

What is it exactly? I don't have a fucking clue. Sounds like somewhere you get some grinding going. I get grinding stuff. Fuck, man. Is there fucking fleas or mosquitoes or something in this fucking place. You can leave anytime if you want. I feel like leaving right now.

Boys, in order to burn off a super-sized Coke, fries, and a Big Mac, you'd have to walk for how many hours? Seven. Seven hours straight. Shut the fuck up. Was I right? Yes. There you go, man. I would expect you would know that, being muscularly buzzgated.

I was fucking, I was guessing. I have to walk for seven hours. It would be all right if you were a postal man, a postal person. Well, not really, Ricky. Well, you could have a Big Mac every breakfast. By the time you get home, you're in perfect shape again. Have a Big Mac for breakfast, By the time you get home, you're in perfect shape again. Hmm. Have a Big Mac for breakfast, walk for eight hours, come home, you're in perfect shape again.

Like, for those eight hours, you're all ballooned out. But by the time you get back, you're right into... You got your abs again. Okay. What else you got, bubs? Oh, this is an interesting fact. Fuck, I bet it's not. Theodore Seuss Giesel dropped out of Oxford before getting his PhD and called himself Dr. Seuss

as a nod to his father. So his name was Theodore Seuss Giesel. He was in school to be a doctor, but he dropped out and then he called himself Dr. Soos just to impress his dad. And then he became Dr. Soos. Wow. But he wasn't a doctor. No.

So he was a fucking bum. So why was he impressing his dad? Well, he just, you know, hey, look, I called myself Dr. Soos after you. And I was trying to be a doctor. Now I'm infinitely more rich than you ever could have fucking dreamed. Because I'm fucking Dr. Seuss. I bet you he was going to all the nightclubs. Do you think?

Dr. Seuss. He was probably wearing, like, the nice clothes and going out and getting all leckered up. I'm sure he was. He's fucking one of the best writers ever. No, man. That's like saying Mr. Rogers fucking went out and did the same thing, got her going. I bet you Mr. Rogers used to get it going.

No, he didn't. Well, I imagine he was just going to the club. Hey, baby, you ever heard of blue eggs in a hand? That's me. But Mr. Rogers, okay, back to Mr. Rogers. You think he was going out dune banging and stuff? Mr. Rogers? Yeah.

Yes. No, man. Mr. Rogers, you can't. The whole nice guy routine, that was just a front. No, he was a nice guy, man. I'm not saying he wasn't a nice guy, but he wasn't a eunuch. He liked to get dirty stuff going, just like everybody else. Oh, shit, man, I just can't.

You think Mr. Rogers just, what, do you think he didn't have a wiener or something? No, I think he maybe, I don't know, man. I don't even like to think about it. You think he was just like a fucking champ in the sack, do you? I never said he was a champ in the sack. I guarantee you he had a wild side. He's only so long you can fucking knock him. I don't fucking think so, man.

What do you think Mr. Rogers would do on a wild size. It's only so long you can fucking knock and talk to a man. I don't fucking think so, man. What do you think Mr. Rogers would do on a wild night out, Ricky? Oh, he'd be just an animal, I'd say, trying to get rid of all that caged up fucking needs and wants.

Wow. Okay, what would he do? I'd say he's probably getting in fights. All right. How much liquor in one night? Oh, I'd say he'd binge drinks for sure.

At least a quart? You think he'd drink at least a quart of whiskey? You think Mr. Rogers drinks a quart and gets in a night? Oh, I'd say he binge drinks for sure. At least a quart? You think he drank at least a quart of whiskey? You think Mr. Rogers drinks a quart and gets in a fight? No, I don't think he can handle a quart, but I'd say he's definitely over a pint. Wine coolers, maybe? Maybe a couple bottles of wine. I'd say for sure some kind of cooler,

maybe a fruit-flavored cider. Yeah. You need to have a bunch of them. Then he's ready to go. He gets dressed up, a little unrecognizable, not like he normally wears. He wouldn't wear a sweater out? And then he goes probably to rock clubs.

And does he dance, do you think? Dances around? Depends on the mood. If you meet somebody, he's probably happy. If he doesn't, he gets frustrated, and he sees all these other guys with people, and he's getting fucking pissed off, and then he's probably starting to sucker punch the odd person.

Sucker punch him. Is he high? Drunk? Just drunk? Just drunk. Just drunk. He doesn't smoke hash right now. He's pent up aggression because he's being too nice all the other time.

I wonder was he on the scoops? He would not have done that. He might have been doing bumps. I thought he was always on acid or mushrooms when he did the show because he was just so fucked. No, Ricky, you were always on acid or mushrooms watching the show. That's why you thought it was fucked. All right, so Mr. Rogers was a perny animal.

Had a wild side to him. How did we get talking about him? Weren't we talking about somebody else? I just... Who was Dr. Seuss? I think Dr. Seuss was probably the one wearing the, you know, the fur, the velour jackets with the... He was the perdy animal.

I bet you he had a big hat with a feather in it. And he was getting drunk. And he probably on the scoops and... I bet you he was. He was on mushrooms. Just look at those books. You don't write those sober, bud. What books?

I mean, I know you've read some Dr. Seuss books. I do know that. Fuck yeah, I have. Learned a lot of words from those goddamn books. Because the way he does it, he makes them sort of rhyme and shit, so you remember them. Smart. What was your favorite Dr. Seuss book, Ricky?

Uh... Turtle and the Rabbit. The Turtle and the Rabbit. Which one was that? That wasn't. Oh, boys. Turtle and the Rabbit. Dr. Seuss. That was a great one, man. Oh, did he write, Are You My Mother? What?

A little bird that goes around trying to find his fucking mom and gets cocked around by all these other fucking things. I think that was Dr. Seuss. It was a pretty good book. I like Blue Eggs and Ham, too. Green Eggs and Ham. Green Eggs and Ham. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Didn't like that one. I don't like... for some reason, I don't like certain fish. Sneetches.

Don't like them. Other stories. Cat in the Hat. Cat in the Hat. Cat in the Hat was all right. Cat in the Hat was a big one, but don't ever put a hat on a kitty. I mean, that was just make-believe. Cats don't wear hats.

Is he still alive? Dangerous. Dr. Seuss? No, Ricky. Oh, yeah, he was, uh... He died years ago. He got some partying going, you can tell, man. That's him. Look at him. You can just

see him out there. He's definitely stoned right there. Doing some crazy wild... That's not Dr. Seuss. Crazy wild man. That's not him. He's got some great hair. That's gotta be him, man. That's not Dr. Seuss. That's fucking... What's his name? It's Dr. Seuss, man. That's not him. He's got some great hair. That's gotta be him, man. That's not Dr. Seuss. That's fucking what's-his-name. It's Dr. Seuss, man.

Really? I like the look of him. I thought that was Paul Newman with glasses on. No, man, that's Dr. Seuss. You know the guy that took the famous photo of the Wright brothers' first flight? Yeah. He had never seen a camera before that day.

Fuck, he did pretty good. First day he ever saw a camera, he took one of the most famous pictures in the history of the fucking world. That is decent. Imagine if he had went, oh, how do you work this cocksucker? And then they just flew by and landed. There'd be no record of it. I mean, I get that it's wow, I guess, but you fucking just press a little button and line it up.

Yeah, but, Ricky, if you didn't know what a camera was, you never saw one before, he could have been pointing it back at himself and took a selfie by accident. Wright brothers fly by, no record of it. And then you'd say it probably never happened. People like you would be like, I don't think they even get off the ground. Well, it's a picture, bud.

Could have been suspended by string. Hmm. Yeah. Pull up the Wright brothers' first picture. Well, there's only one. Pretty sure there's only one of their first flight. Only one Wright brother? No, there's only one picture of the first flight.

Orville. He was the flying guy, I believe. Was it Orville or Wilbur? Orville's a popcorn guy. Hmm. Hmm. That's Orville Redencocker. Wright brothers' pictures?

No, first flight. Orville Redencocker. My brother's pitchers? No, first flight. Orville Reddencocker, you're thinking of. Oh, yeah. Remember? He burned his wiener on the stove making popcorn. Orville Reddencocker. What the fuck's he calling me? Here you go, bubs.

What, is that it? This is it, man. Has Randy been calling you guys, fucking texting you and shit, saying he wants rent money? Lot of fees, rent money? I just ignore that fucking text. But he's like going fucking crazy about it. What's he going on about? 13 messages from him. Fuck him.

Yeah, Randy can fuck himself. Alright, is this the one you were talking about, man? Is that their first flight? That's it, man. Yeah, look, buddy took that, never had a fucking idea how to use a camera. He did all right. You darn tootin' he did. Yeah, it's not... it's not a great shot.

It's not perfect, that's for sure. They only call him the man here. It's too bad they didn't name the poor bastard. Well, did you guys know that a tarantula... Tarantula. Oh, yeah, okay. A tarantula can survive for more than two years of the fucking food? I did know that.

Yes, they somehow generate an enzyme that they can... If they lose a leg, they can just grow another one? Yeah. I heard if you dropped them, like, from that high up, they just go... disintegrate, their legs pop off, everything. No, that's not true. You saw that in arachnophobia.

They don't weave webs. They use their silk to decorate their homes. Little fuckers have homes. Yes, Ricky. Everything has a home. Like, come on. That was a... It said it's a sea fact.

It's not really a sea fact, is it? The fuck is he... Red hair is the rarest human hair color. Only 1 to 2% of the population are redheads. 1 to 2%. Now, think about that. Maybe they're aliens. Beavers' teeth are orange, and they never stop growing.

Beavers' teeth aren't fucking orange. It's a fact, bud. They're orange. I've never seen a beaver with fucking orange teeth. What the fuck? How did I find that? There's two of these fucking cards. See, this box is a fucking rip-off. They double print.

What is it? Two tarantula cards. Let me see. Make it look like there's more fuckingantula cards. Let me see. Make it look like there's more fucking cards in here. I see, I know what they're doing. There is two tarantula cards. Are they postcards? Yeah, they're postcards.

Those are stupid. Who uses postcards these days? Huh? People. That travel. People that travel. No, man. It's easy to just write, hey, I wish you were here.

No, it's easy to take a picture and say hey, here you go within seconds. Wish you were right here. Well, it's not as personal to get something nice in the mail. Give us some fuck about postcards and letters and give hearts and all that shit. Who wants to spend ten bucks on a fucking happy birthday card?

I do. And it goes to the garbage. Because I still believe that if you mail something and somebody gets a nice thing written. You're fucked. It's lovely. It's not, man. When I get cards, I don't give a shit. Well, remind me to stop buying them for you on your birthday.

Because they go right into the garbage. Well, isn't that nice? Seconds later. Isn't that a nice sentiment to find out? Just being straight up with you, man. Save up my hard-earned money to buy you a nice Christmas card, and you fire it in the garbage. Cards are for dickheads. And people that send cards are fucked in the head.

Just want to tell you that, man. Straight up. It's a waste of money. This public service announcement has been brought to you by... Homer. The grumpy fucking muscle man. Just saying, man. Save the trees, buddy.

Save the trees? You don't give two fucks about trees. I fucking do care about trees. You don't give a fuck about trees and don't tell me that you do. If you thought you could make a dollar burning down the fucking rainforest... I would never burn... You'd be out there with a can of gas. See, I would not do that. You would burn the rainforest down.

You know what else you can do with trees? I found it out. What? You can grow fucking furniture. Takes a while, though. Yeah, man. These fucking people over in England are growing furniture. Takes about nine years to grow a chair. What? What a great business. Yeah, but

they're like 12 grand each. 12 fucking grand. For one chair. And he's selling a shit cock of them, I guess. Grows lamps, chairs, nine tables. How does he grow a chair? He forms the fucking thing into the shape as it's grown. That's why it takes nine fucking years. It's like the bonsai tree, man.

Oh, Jesus, Murphy. It's pretty neat. It's neat, but it's terrible business idea. Yeah. I mean, once you're into your ninth year, you're going to be fine if people are buying it. That's what he said. He's hoping to be harvesting annually by 2025, I guess.

What a fucked up concept. I didn't even know it was possible. I'd like to have one of these fucking chairs, but 12 grand? Suck me raw. You know shit, man. Julian, is there pictures of them? I'd like to see the chair.

Grow? You're kidding me? Just guy that grows chairs in seven years. Guy that... What'd you say, Ricky? Suck me raw. I don't know what happened or where that came from. It was kinda not nice, was it? Man grows chairs.

Let's see one of the pictures of his chair. They're fuckin' nice. Oh, yeah? Let me see. It's like one piece. Wow, look at those fucking things. Oh, yeah, he's got a whole field of these things, man. He's growing a field of chairs.

You think he could do this? Decent. Well, it's just on a fella now. What the fuck has he got going on there now? That's like he's got a whole, that's like a fucking apple orchard. But it's like $12,000 fucking plants. Yeah, that's him.

That's a good idea. You should start making these things, man. I'm telling you. It's been 10 years. The problem is you've got to survive for nine fucking years. Once you hit that point, you're great. That's retirement, man. Right there.

That's like the, it's perfect. So he's going to have like vintage chairs. This one here, one's been growing for 25 years. This is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my whole life. How does he do it? Besides chairs, just a sec, he's growing other furniture. I think he does lamps and he does... Mirrors.

Oh, I didn't know about the mirrors. Tables? How do you grow a mirror? And lamps. Mirrors. I didn't know what the mirrors. Tables? How do you grow a mirror? And lamps. How do you grow a table? It's like a, it's just the frame of the mirror. But how do you grow a table?

He grows, they're like upside down. What we're doing here is just checking that. Oh, this guy's on mushrooms, man. There's little side shoots coming out. Wow. This guy's right out of it. He's not fucking... No glue, no nails, no nothing. Yeah, it's just forming in certain shapes, I guess. Look, that's a fucking...

It's the first try that we did. It's fucking cool. That is cool. That's fucked up, man. That's very cool. Yeah, five to ten years. Five to ten years. Five to ten years, all right. Buzz, we got a mission for you.

I'm not growing you a fucking chair for nine years. No, not a chair. Grow me a bed. Like a hundred chairs. I'm not growing you a hundred fucking chairs. You can suck me raw, as Ricky would say. Okay, well, I'm going to get into this. I feel like there's fucking...

Are you itchy? Yeah, I'm fucking itchy as fuck. Please bite me or something. What's so funny? Like, what the fuck? What happened, Ricky? I don't know, but I've been itchy too. Maybe there's itch powder. Oh, my fuck, there's no crabs in here.

Is there recce? I don't imagine. If I've got crabs on me, I'm gonna lose it. Feels like I'm fucking covered in them now. I feel like I've got crabs on me too. All right, time to go. Let's shut this down right now. Crab check right now, bubs.

We gonna check each other? I'm going first. I'm gonna go in bathroom first. Crab check. Crab check. We might be heading to the fucking... to the drugstore. Right now. This is over. We might have crabs.