Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 34 - Doctor Bubbles

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

Bubbles has some bad news for Ricky and Julian - they're addicts! Can they live without dope and liquor? Clue: NO. They also discuss kiddie rides on car roofs, why cats are smarter than dogs, and why you shouldn't smoke dope in North Korea!

The opening bell! Julian comes out of the gate. He's going down the track against... What the fuck's going on, man? It's stock. What are you talking about? Stock. I don't know. I was trying to call a horse race that you were in against muscly horses. Why the fuck would you want to go stay at the radioactive Chernobyl reactor control room?

It's a big, it's a big... It's a big fucking deal. People are paying money to go hang out in this place. Yeah, it's a big fucking tourist attraction now. Go hang out in Chernobyl. They saw the movie and then they're like, let's go. Let's go check it out. Hang out, fucking 90 million fucking microns or whatever they're called.

The infamous reactor number four. Yeah, let's go right in there. You know it was the number four one, right? Yes. Okay, I just wanted, I thought you'd know that. I watched the series, Chernobyl. Did you watch it? No.

Oh, it's fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. You don't, I had no idea how close the world came to just having a serious fucking, if that baby had a fucking fully melted down, it would have been a bad day for everybody. Lots of fucked up mutant, like, things growing. Yeah, yeah.

Like, eight-legged frogs and three eyes on them. Yeah. Yeah. Like your mother. It's not like my mother. What the fuck is he doing? If he's, like, no, no, no. This isn't the deal.

What? If he gets to sleep, I'm sleeping, and you're doing this by yourself. I need rest for the tour, boys. I need rest for the fucking tour. Wreck it. Should I have had to pull together for this fucking tour? We need a new...

I'm sitting this one out. This ding-donger's getting stuck. Just put it in the microwave. Let's go, Rikki. I'm gonna set this one out. You can't set it out. You're the main attraction. It's too bad, too, because I had lots of stuff to talk about, too, and you guys sound like you don't have anything.

We've got fuck all. Well, we were talking about the tour. You're the main attraction. I had lots of stuff to talk about, too, and you guys sound like you don't have anything. We've got fuck all. Well, we were talking about the tour. Come on, Ricky, you're the main attraction. If you're not here, nobody wants to fucking watch it. Oh, shit. Because I'm not saying a fucking thing today. Ricky, you were going to do that thing where you put your penis on the table.

We were going to trace it. Oh, yeah? Weren't you saying you wanted to trace it. Oh, yeah? Weren't you saying you wanted to trace Ricky's wiener? No, man. Why would I ever want to do that? What state of rest would you like it to be in? I'd like it to be...

I think we should take it at various stages. Start at Earth, start at... A time-lapse thing. Take it at... Video. Take it at limp biscuit. Whoa, fuck. Take it at limp biscuit and then take it again at half mast.

One eye open. And then at full Metallica. Ready for entry. Full Metallica is the full meal deal? Full metal. Hard as metal. Okay. Limp biscuit to Metallica. Limp Bizkit.

Now, were they named after somebody's flaccid wiener? Must have been the front... Don't know, man. The front singer. You think he had a Limp Bizkit on him? You don't call yourself something you don't have. Limp Bizkit. Where did the name Limp Bizkit come from? Limp Bizkit meaning... Okay, name Limp Bizkit come from?

Limp Bizkit meaning. Okay, I'll see if that... What was the singer's name? Fred Savage? No, Ricky Fred Savage was on The Wonder Years. Limp Bizkit. Wasn't that Fred Durst? Oh, fuck, man.

Why? No, this is... Did we do something with Limp Bizkit? Who did we do something with? Are we talking about the band or something else? The band. Did who... Remember we were at Madison Square Garden one time,

right out of it? Yeah, we were. Who was that? We got on stage with somebody. Who was that? Those other guys. Fred Durst. Lincoln Park.

Lincoln Park. That's who I'm thinking of. Do you know what limp biscuit means? What? It's fucking gross, man. What is it? And I'm not feeling that good. I might throw up.

Do it. Make me puke. A game where a group of guys jack off in a circle, crackers placed in the middle, the last one to, you know, onto the fucking thing has to eat it. Therefore, it's the limp biscuit because of the shit that's on it, which is fucking.

I didn't know that. Do they know that? It's a circle jerk. Yeah, but you've got to fucking ingest a cracker that's. Covered in load. Yeah. As long as you can jerk off faster than anybody else, you're fine. Does Fred Durst know this?

Does he know that that's what his band name is? I don't think Fred Durst is alive, is he? I don't fucking know. Is he? I think Fred Durst passed away, didn't he? That was the guy from Lincoln Park. That's the guy from Lincoln Park. Oh my God, see I've got my bands all mixed up.

Yeah, you told me. Because I'm high as a kite. Chester, wasn't it? Chester? I think Chester's the guy that's not with us. It's Fred Durst. I'm going to be fucking, I'm going to feel terrible. So I've got to look this up.

Yes. I'm going to feel terrible. I'm going to apologize to Fred Durst. I think you should. Because I saw him yesterday. It's okay. You know what? It comes up the first thing.

Is Fred Durst a Scientologist? The next one is, is he alive? So we'll go to, is he alive? Is he alive? I thought I saw him at Sobey's yesterday. Fred Durst doesn't live around here. He's around, man. He's alive.

He is? Yes. I apologize, Mr. Durst. I got you confused. Born in 1970. I'm happy you're still with us. Very happy you're alive, sir. I don't know.

I'm not happy to find out what the name of the band means. I didn't know that. Anybody else you think is dead that might not be? So it was the Linkin Park fella that I'm thinking of. Yes. Yes, man. Chester, man. Oh, Jesus.

I mean, I knew he had passed away, but I thought this fella did too. I think he had some addiction issues, unfortunately. Well, that's fucking terrible. People get just fucking grabbed by it, right? Yes. Fucked. It's a horrible thing. People don't realize it's not just, you know.

I wouldn't know what addiction's like. Ricky, what are you talking about? He's not addicted to anything, really. And you're not either, I guess. No, I'm not. What's in that glass? It's a drink. A liquor drink, which you are severely addicted to.

No, I'm not. There's a big difference between addicted and having fun. Ricky, you are addicted to drugs. I just like to have a good time. I don't think he is, man. Well, then you're addicted. I'm addicted to fun. Can you go without smoking dope for... I don't think he is, man. Well, then you're addicted. I'm addicted to fun.

Can you go without smoking dope for... If I said you can't smoke dope ever again right now, what would happen? Well, I could do it, but why would I do it? You could not do it. You would turn into a rabid animal. Many days. Many days what? I've come without a drink.

Since when? Well, there's been a couple, you know, a few days. Since you were seven? Yeah, I think, yeah. How many days since you were seven years old have you not had a fucking drink? He can count them on his fucking fingers. Shut the fuck up. I went...

A couple days. I went, you know, without any dope there last week for a day. A day? Well, yeah. Ricky, you two sound like two severely addicted people right now in the stage that's called Addicted to Dope. I could go as long as I want, but like I said, why would you want to do that? No, you couldn't go as long as you want, Ricky. It's the addiction making you say, why would I want to do that?

You know what? You're sounding like Reefer Madness. You ever see that fucking flick? That's you. You know how I would be? I'd be thinking. Okay, I don't miss dope at all, but wow, this is fun. Not.

Listen to the words coming out of your mouth. You think your brain would say, I don't miss dope at all. But there's some people that do it because they got to do it. There's other people that do it because they're having fun. Right. No, they're both doing it because they gotta do it. Just one of them is completely in fucking denial. One of them that's wearing sunglasses and a fucking hat.

It's not about being a dick. It's about, do I want to have fun or do I want to be lame-o guy? Lame-o guy that just sits around and doesn't do anything. Has to be straight. Okay, what if I told you you could still fuck, you're going to have the best time ever, but you're not going to smoke dope? It wouldn't be as fun.

I guarantee it. See? That's your brain just convincing you, Ricky. But if I was omniscient and I told you you are going to have just as much fun, but you're not allowed to touch dope, what would you say? How?

See? But... That's addiction. But there's also, well, we've been up in those fucking jets that time, man. That was fun. And he wasn't... And you were drunk! You were hammered!

I had a couple of drinks. You were wasted. I wasn't really high, I don't think. Ricky, you were stoned out of your fucking mind. You could barely get your straps down on your flight suit. Well, it's interesting the way you're putting things. And look who's talking. Look at this. What is that all about?

No, I'm just having a drink. Straight fucking vodka. Yeah, I'm just having a zap. You drink and smoke dope pretty much every day as well. I do not. You do so. Not every day. You take a couple swigs every day.

Every, yes. And you smoke a joint if he says let's go. Yeah, but I don't, if you told me no more liquor. Okay, but. I wouldn't drink liquor anymore. Would you say you have more fun when you're drinking liquor and smoking dope or when you're lame-o guy? I'm never lame-o guy. I can have fun, just as much fun, playing with kiddies and reading a book.

Then why do you do it? Just because it's there. And you guys are doing it. It's called peer pressure. Okay. You guys put peer pressure on me. That's why are doing it. It's called peer pressure. Okay. You guys put peer pressure on me. That's why I do it. But for you to sit there and take a swig of straight vodka.

Look, here. Okay, let's both put our drinks over here. No more drinking for the rest of the day. I can do it, no problem. Can you do that? Yes, I can. Do it then. Why would I want to, though?

It doesn't make any fucking though? Because you're addicted. It doesn't make any fucking sense. You're fucking addicted. You're an alcoholic. Oh, shit, man. No, I'm not. Take a drink. Crush down your pain.

I've got, the thing is, I've got no pain. That's because you're always wasted. I'm 100% happy, though, aren't I? You're always drunk. That's why you have no pain, bud. Oh, man. You haven't fucking faced reality in 40 years, bud. Fucking.

Who the fuck are you, Dr. Phil, man? You've been watching too much. Dr. Bubbles. Dr. Bubbles. You're so full of shit. Dr. Bubbles, you haven't faced reality in 40 fucking years. Fucking shit. Let's get you on Jerry Springer and get you sobered up.

See how you feel. Do you get paid for going on Jerry Springer? You do, don't you? I don't know. Only if you do something crazy. I don't know. I bet you you could probably negotiate. We should fucking try to go on that show.

I'd love to go. Do they still make Jerry Springer? Is Jerry Springer still alive? Oh, yeah. He passed away, didn't he? No, you know what? He's a judge now in a fucking show. A judge?

Judge Springer. Judge Springer. Judge Springer. Oh, my fuck. There's no way. You must be thinking of Judge Jody. No. Just when you think. If I was thinking of her, I would know. Judge?

I don't know, man. What was I going to say? Springer. I don't know, Ricky, because you're stoned. I know there's a lot of people out there that would totally disagree with you, bubs. There probably is. They're called addicts. And it is Judge Springer, by the way.

See? He's got a show called Judge Springer. How could he possibly become a judge? He could be a judge, man. He's really a judge. I'm a judge. I could be a judge. He was never a lawyer, was he?

He must have been, man. He was a mayor. He was the mayor of Cincinnati. No, I think he was a judge, man. Were we talking about some kind of fabric that goes over your head, control Google and everything? Or did I get that dreamt? I don't know, Ricky.

We might have talked about a piece of fabric that goes over your head that can control Google. I think it's called... Something about AI and they're trying to make us... Neural net? I believe it's called a neural net. They're trying to make us smarter than... Or as smart as computers. I've... Listen, I've dabbled with neural net. They're trying to make us smarter than, or as smart as computers.

I've, listen, I've dabbled with neural nets in my shed. Tried to build one. Can you beat a computer at a game of chess? No, I mean, I just, I, you know, ran some electrodes into some... There's people out there that do, you know that, right? I hooked the thing up to my head and I best myself. I must have gave it too much electricity flowing through it. I had copper leads in it and stuff, you know, car batteries.

Speaking of bad parenting, did you guys hear about the parents that were driving with their fucking kids in a toy car on the roof of their car, driving around town? No, I did not. That sounds fucking brilliant. That's fucking nuts. Do they have seatbelts on? No, man.

They're in a fucking toy car on the roof of the parents' car. Some of them have seatbelts, so it's probably not as bad as it looked. Was the toy car strapped down, or was it just sitting up there? It's hard to tell. Not that it matters. Not that it matters. Not that it matters. You've got to be fucked.

There's some video of it roaming around the city. Kids on what? On the roof? Kids. Kids on the roof. Car on the roof. You're good at searching, Julian. Roof of car.

What the fuck? Did you just search? It found it, didn't it? Fuck you. All right. What do you got going on? I'm trying to get my... Do you need some help?

You know what? I didn't even know this folds over and makes a tablet. Jesus Christ, that's kind of easy. Look at that. I got a tablet now, boys. There's lots of fucking people that have kids on roofs, man. Of cars. What the fuck is this?

This is a common thing. It happens a lot. Look at that, I got a nice big tablet. What the, there's no law against that? Now that I know that, I'll just take Mo out for a little cruise. No, you're not taking Mo, putting him on the fucking roof of your car. I'll put him in a wheelbarrow.

Ricky, you're not putting Mo on a fucking wheelbarrow. It'd be a fucking fun ride. I don't know how to work this fucking thing. Okay, there's all kinds of... They had their kids in a pool. And the pool's on top of the car. Okay, you know, here, I'm gonna... Your parents are fucked.

Parents are really fucked. I'm glad I'm a good parent. Ricky. What? That's very debatable. Don't know what that means. How many times have you been shot? What does that have to do with being a good parent or not?

Definitely once or twice. When you're shot by your five-year-old daughter? Oh, well, that's not... No, that's... You're right. When's the first time Trinity shot you by accident? How old was she? Five? Five or six.

But that was a good learning lesson for her. Ricky, she could have killed you. Never happened again. Or killed somebody or accidentally shot herself. But it got her to appreciate the power of a gun and what it can do. You have to be careful around them. She hasn't shot anybody since.

Oh. And how old was Mo when he blew your bag off? He was young. That wasn't his fault. I think he's only a couple years old. No, you're correct. It wasn't his fault. It was... The gun manufacturer. They should have had a child protector. It was the parents' fault.

Well, you weren't even the parent. The grandparent's fault. Oh, yeah. Here we go. See? Oh, there's those little fuckers. That's a stupid motherfucker right there. Like, why?

Why would you do that? Oh, yeah, you've got to be right. I mean, it's one thing if you're going down a country road or something and you get the kid fucking strapped into that thing, but... You've got to be completely out of your fucking board. You've got to be fucked up, man. Put your kids and that up on the roof. Although we would have did it years ago.

Oh, fuck yeah. Shit's different these days, isn't it? It's a different world. I mean, they're in traffic, man. Remember when Ray used to put us in the pickup truck out in the highway, and we used to jump up in the back and let the wind shoot us to the back of the pickup truck going about 140? Yeah, that was cool.

That was decent. I can't imagine letting some little fella do that these days. No, man. We used to ride our bikes 20 miles in the dark with black clothes on. On the highway to go fishing. No problem. Before I quit dope for the rest of my life, in the dark with black clothes on. On the highway to go fishing. Before I quit dope for the rest of my life, we have to go to this place in China.

It's got a 300-foot fucking glass-bottom skywalk that goes out over this fucking cliff. Imagine getting baked out of your fucking minds and it's a glass-bottom. I don't think it would. It wouldn't scare me. No? No. You're not as scared of the high ups?

Not when I'm on a structurally engineered glass thing that could probably take a fucking army tank. It would give me those stomach moths for sure. Fuck. Just looking down. I wouldn't be. No, it wouldn't, boys. All you gotta tell yourself is this was engineered in 2019 by Chinese scientists.

And it can probably support a fucking army tank. And I only weigh fucking, you know, a couple hundred pounds. There's no way this thing's crashing. You know what? I guarantee you, you smoke a big, fat fucking joint. Where's this place at? China. In China. And you walk out there, you smoke a big, fat fucking joint. Where's this place at? China. In China.

And you walk out there, you're going to be fucked. I'd be more nervous smoking the joint in China than I would be walking out on the thing. Because if they catch you with a joint in China, they cut your fucking wiener off. So you wouldn't do it then. You wouldn't go out there and get stoned and do that. No, I'd walk out there, but I wouldn't have a joint on me. Where'd they cut your wiener off? I'm just saying.

I don't know that they actually do that, but it's not good. Whatever they do. Pretty sure dope is not legal in China. No, I don't think they're into that shit, eh? I can't imagine. You imagine you got caught with weed in North Korea? With the little fella with the funny hair? He'd fuck you over. You'd be dead, wouldn't you?

You would be fucked, yes. He'd probably shoot a fucking missile at you. He's done that, hasn't he? He has shot missiles to execute people. Set them up against a bank and fire a fucking missile. Good way to die or bad way to die, you think? Terrible. I mean, it would be over quick.

You'd get incinerated, but, you know, there's a good four seconds you see that thing coming at you. Four seconds? Well, he fires it from, he's not like he's fucking standing here to the wall. That would suck. Maybe not four seconds, but he fires it from, you know, he's a few hundred yards away.

So you see, you're alive, looking at it going off. Enough to probably piss and shit yourself. Probably. Let's see, there's another example. If you were baked, you'd probably be like, I can take this thing. You wouldn't, but at least you're going to die positive. You know what I mean? This thing's going to bounce off.

So if you get caught smoking dope there, you want it to happen, like, immediately. You don't want it to be, like, two hours later. It's just like, within the next five minutes, please. That's what I'd ask for. Can we get this over with while I'm still high? I think he looks very giggly. I think if you could get in his pits and tackle him,

I bet you you could submit him. Doesn't he look ticklish? Kim Jong-un? Yeah, I think if you had a few drinks with him, and said a few jokes... He looks very ticklish. I think if you could get him down and tackle him, it might change the whole world.

He might be like, holy fuck, I never laughed so hard in my life. I didn't know you could laugh. I can see you being good friends with him. Well, I mean, he's a ruthless dictator that murders people, but... I'm thinking if you could just get a good tackle fight with him, he might change his ways. Well, maybe you could be the one to do that. Dennis Rodman.

I know, if he could do it, you could totally make him laugh. Dennis Rodman hangs out with him. Totally make him laugh. And we met Dennis Rodman. He's totally normal. We can hook that up. He's totally normal. Really?

Ricky. Dennis Rodman? No, Ricky. Remember he had fucking metal fingernails and he was talking about living on the moon or something? He's a bit of an odd bird. He was nice. Very nice. He was tall.

I loved hanging out with him, but he's not. He's pretty fucking bizarre. He was definitely tall. I think it's safe to say he's not normal. Was the character in the Lorax based on the guy from the Koreas? Or is that just rumors? The Lorax wasn't based on Kim Jong-un, I don't think. Okay.

The fuck is the Lorax? The Lorax doesn't look... The Lorax looks like Yosemite Sam fucking... No, not him. The fucking bad dude that was selling cans of air. Oh, I didn't see the Lorax. I thought you meant the Lorax himself. No, man.

He's a good dude. I like him. Does he look like he lives in Yosemite Sam's underwear? Who? The Lorax. I don't even know what the Lorax is. Is Yosemite Sam a bushy fellow? Pretty bushy.

I mean, it looks like the Lorax is in Yosemite Sam's underwear. I don't know what you're talking about. They both have a similar shape. What are you talking... You're talking about someone's pubic hair. about. They both have a similar shape. What are you talking... You're talking about someone's pubic hair. No, I'm talking about the shape. But he looks like he's contained. The Lorax.

Fuck. Did you hear that the Lorax villain was modeled after... I may have. You know, sometimes things go in and get swished around. Lorax. I've got to fucking look this up, man. I don't even know what the... Don't even worry about it, man.

You don't know what the Lorax is? I've got other shit to talk about. L-O-R-A-X? L-O-R-A-X. How about the puppy that fucking chewed on a lighter and set his house on fire? Jesus, did that happen? See, that just proves my point that fucking dogs... It house on fire. Jesus, did that happen? See, that just proves my point. Yeah, it was on security.

Dogs are dumb. You'd never see a cat fucking chewing on a lighter and burning his house down. Wouldn't happen. Do you think that's because dogs are smarter or dumber than cats? Dumber. Cats are way smarter than dogs.

You can't say that, man. Dogs, fuck dogs. Dogs, there's really smart fucking dogs out there. Yeah, once they're finished dog school cats are just inherently smart they don't go to really you don't see many dumb cats do you bud you don't see a lot of tricks though how many dogs bullshit you don't my cats can do any trick a dog can do and more did you ever see a fucking dog that could jump off a roof and pull a parachute? I didn't. Cats can do that? Three of my kitties can parachute. How do you train them though? I just show them videos. How hot off the roof? They could throw a cat off

the roof anyway. No, you would never do Mike. Off a trailer roof or the shed roof. When I did the Supercats cat show, I had three kitties that could pull a parachute. What were you throwing them off? I wasn't throwing them off anything. They were jumping off. All right, something sounds a little fishy to me. You might be getting a call, but...

I would never endanger a kitty. He was fully aware. Throwing a kitty off a high... I didn't throw a kitty off anything. They jumped with their specially designed parachutes that were tested. Man, you'd have to pull that thing quick. You'd be off splat. You'd have to go off...

No, it's like he pulls it as he's jumping. And then they steer it. They know how to steer it. You fucking get a video of that and put it on YouTube, you're making some money. Yeah. Okay?

Just so you know. I'll get it next time. How about we do this right after this fucking... Next time, I... Get him a deal here. Next time. We'll get it. We should do it today.

There was one really weird story that I didn't know if we should talk about, but we could, I guess. What is it, Ricky? It's about this Indian man that he was killing sloth bears so he could eat their penises and their testicles. What? To help his limpido. To help his limpido. Okay, back up. So there's a man in India killing bears and eating their... Sloth bears, and they couldn't catch the fucker.

He's like a serial bear killer. What's a sloth bear? He's got to be slow, man. How can... Sloth bear, what the fuck is a sloth bear? Okay, regardless, he's killing a type of bear. Just to eat their penises and testicles. Eating their cock and balls.

And it thinks it's going to make him get hurt. Let's go for a sloth bear against a fucking tiger. Well, he's killed tigers and ate their penises and testicles too. This guy's fucking... And there was something else he just recently killed. They finally caught the fucker a couple weeks ago or a month ago or a month and a half. So he's like a serial fucking cock eater. Yeah.

A serial cock eater. These sloth bears don't fuck around. Oh, he's fighting? Yep. Cheers, hon. I am trying. He breaks out of a headlock and round one ends. Jesus Christ. Well, he must have been shooting from far away or something. Look at me, muscles.

I'll bite you in the... Anyway, they finally caught the cock sucker. Good. What are they doing to him? They don't know. Have to charge them with something, I would think. Yeah. Cock eating. Yeah. Four bears. I imagine getting killed just for your cock and balls.

What a horrible way to... Well, it doesn't matter what you're getting killed for. If you're getting killed... What the fuck is Randy? Is that the fucking garbage, guys? Randy called the garbage. He's always fucking us over, man. Okay. Sloth bears.

Sloth bear calls. I just got really tired. I think I got sugar diabetes. I think I got the diabetes. I might as well, man. I got really tired. I gotta have a nap. No, let's nap and then let's get up and let's hurry hard.

Watch a small sloth bear. Give what? Hurry hard? What are we going curling? We going curling later there, Mike? Or we could get out some biscuits. Let's go get a bag of biscuits. Why would you even say that? He wants to make a limp biscuit.

I'm just curious. Who would be last? Julian would be. Why would you say that, man? Like, don't even think about that, Bubz. I'm just saying. There's no way we would ever play the limp biscuit game. No, I'm not saying we would, but if we did, you'd be the loser.

You'd be the last one. Definitely not. Yeah. I know who'd be first. Randy. Yeah. Probably. Or maybe Corey. No, Randy, because if he was involved,

he'd be watching him do the same thing. No, you know what? I think it'd be Randy, and then you would eat it. He'd be watching him do the same thing. No, you know what? I think it'd be Randy, and then you would eat it. You think you could snap one off quicker than Randy? I'm saying Randy would be the first one off, and then the last one to fucking eat. I'm leaving. You gonna get trapped again like you did last time?

Fuck off. Ding dong. Where you going, Julian? Get some more booze. I thought we were going to nap. I'm going to nap. You guys can nap, I'm drinking. Bye bye.

I'm staying up then. I'm going to nap. This is a great day, Ricky. This is a great day, you fucking addict.