Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 37 - Just Lick the Tip

Episode Date: April 14, 2016

Comedian and Trailer Park Boys guest star Tom Arnold is this week's podcast guest! He chats about why Los Angeles is so weird, partying with Chris Farley and Wayne Gretzky, who has the biggest unit in Hollywood, and what greasy thing he'd do for a hundred million dollars! Episode 37 is brought to you by Jukasa vapor products. Jukasaaaaa!!  

Oh So how come you got the jelly beans like I these are my fucking jelly just start the fucking day just give me a couple So a cucumber red I want the black ones in honor of stoop dog Fine yeah, jelly beans? Yeah, I like black jelly beans. I like black jelly beans, too. I like Stoop Dog, too. Okay, welcome to...

Is this it? All right, this is the official Triller Perkwood podcast coming at you right now. Number 47. We're in Hollywood. Number what? 47. No, it isn't, Ricky. No, it's 37.

37? Episode 37. Number 37, we are in fucking Hollywood. Hollywood. Are you sure, Bob? What do you mean, Ricky? Am I sure? 37? Episode 37. Number 37, we are in fucking Hollywood. At Hollywood and Bob's. Are you sure, Bob's? What do you mean, Ricky? Am I sure? Yeah, no, here we are.

You can tell if you look back there. Where else would we fucking be right now, Rick? Right. We're in Hollywood. Ricky, you gotta look back at the sign to know where you're at. I was just showing off a little bit, you know what I mean? Guys, I just want to say, you know, that... Just a, Tom, just a second.

Yeah. This is brought to you by jacasa julian thank you just say jacasa just give it over how much is do you have to put on you before you get high it's cream smoother right it's not it's like vapo pen you don't get hard from that shit okay there's like different flavors he's just trying to trick you into promoting it just so you know these flavors and chocolate vanilla yeah when am i getting paid for any of this it's coming the money train is coming in eventually but what is it it's a faithful oh okay i got it i got it i got it it's cool yeah it's good yeah i don't have makeup on usually now listen i don't care about not having makeup but yesterday or sudden when, when was Easter? You guys don't.

Anyway, I'm Jewish, so celebrate Easter. And do you know Robbie Williams? You guys in Canada, have you heard of that guy? Yeah, yeah. He's a great singer. Robbie Williams. Yeah. And so he had his great, he and his wife, Ada, they had this nice Easter egg hunt.

And we go over there, and our kid's great. We've been neighbors a long time. He's a really nice guy. And as I'm leaving, he looks at my face this far away goes oh yeah i've had rosacea too you should quit drinking diet coke whatever like he's that close away so i went home and immediately put like stuff and then i forgot to put it on today but then his wife and pilates told my wife today that rod stewart was on an interview a month ago and said he was fat that robbie was fat so he went on a four-week fast so it affects everybody when people say stuff about you guys because

they've seen you on tv i'm sure it affects the way you dress or no i guess it doesn't hollywood is it's a fucked up place here this is hollywood boulevard this is a fucking one of the worst places no offense nobody's gonna see this this Just driving down here, it's like, you know, Sunnyvale, if you had 10,000 people roaming around, that's exactly what it's like. Look at the people. Can I tell you what I saw down there? And I am not joking. Yeah. I was walking right there, Hollywood and Vine.

Yeah. There was people waiting for the bus. And this guy walked up. He came around the corner and walked up to wait for the bus. All he was wearing was a t-shirt, he was naked from the waist down, and I am not joking, he had a spoon hanging out of his arse. What?

He had a fucking spoon up his arse. Like a big spoon or a? Like a metal spoon, the handle of a spoon. Oh, big, a serving spoon. Yeah, well, like a spoon. Did you put it up there, Bubs? No, I just, I mean, you know, you can't help but look, you see something. Did you just grab ahold of it and tug on it?

No, I didn't grab it. People just walk by because that happens all the time. There are so many people like, oh, I can't wait to come out to L.A. and go to Hollywood Boulevard. Then they go there and they're like, oh, fuck. This is like what happens if there's a nuclear fucking, like, you know, yeah, yeah. But if you take a picture with him, you've got to give him a dollar. Yeah. Yeah, it's cop a courtesy.

So, Bob, how long did you, like, spend the whole day staring at this guy? No, I just saw him for a second. Did you try to take the spoon out of his head? No, I didn't touch it. I just was standing there and something was glittering in the sun. Clink, clink, and you're trying not to look. And then you're like, Jesus, Murphy. What time was this?

It was around 11 a.m. Why? Because you borrowed a spoon from me last night. It was one of those before that or after that. I didn't borrow a fucking spoon off you, Ricky. Are you ramming spoons up people's asses in Hollywood? No, I did not. I'm not telling any more stories if you guys are going to tease me.

I have a story. In the 80s, just before it was politically incorrect, There was a woman I worked with that had a wedgie like a serious wedgie so I pulled it out and she slapped me so I put it back in when I said okay let's start over. You know you learn it you learn you do that's not appropriate. Was it a front back? Like a camel? Well, it was my boss. It was not a camel toe. So it was a rear wedge. It was a rear wedge. Back door wedge.

It was a, you know. So you just reached down? Yeah, I just was like, hey, let me help you out here. And she's like, boom. And I'm like, fuck, I'm sorry. And I went back in. So you just tucked it back up? Yeah.

Hard. That's being a gentleman. Yeah, it is being a gentleman put it right back hey maybe she liked it maybe that was her thing put it back to where it was yeah okay here i'm gonna ask you this what's the most fucked up thing you've ever seen in this town do you think the most fucked up thing i've ever seen in this town because Because I know you've, you know, you're not drinking anymore. No, I did. I've been, you know, in the original Spago,

in the day when I was drinking, and you can look this up on the internet. You were a heavy drinker, right? Here's the deal. I was a very heavy drinker. I was a very heavy drinker. Unlike you guys. Very heavy drinkers. And we came out of there, and these,

my ex-wife and I our car got surrounded by these paparazzi and these two rednecks came up and said hey we'll beat the shit out of them for you and so she's like okay and she said give him 50 bucks so I had a they got picture me 50 bucks yeah and then they just start pulling the popper like paparazzi. And I had to get out of the car to save the paparazzi's life, and yet I'm the one that got arrested. Does that make any sense at all? Well, you paid them. You see her laughing in the car, like, yeah, we

paid them. And they sued us because they said they couldn't have sex anymore. The paparazzi. Is that what they said? Yeah, they always say that. Whether you fight them at the airport or wherever you fight them, they'll always say I'm so scared I can't have sex anymore. But now that I'm older, I don't do that. I see the same faces out there, and I'm nice.

So how much did they get from you? I think they each got $150,000. Are you fucking kidding me? No. Those fuckers. How many times have you been sued ever? In the day, many times. Really?

What was the grand total you think you've... Well, here's the thing. At the end of my first marriage, there several pending lawsuits we could have won but my ex-wife said listen to our mutual lawyer. So for every hundred dollars I spend it'll cost him a dollar. Even if it costs him a dollar, fuck him. I'll spend millions just to bankrupt that asshole. Just to fuck you over. Yeah. She's great. I'm glad things are good now. Yeah, things are good. Things are good?

Yeah, they are good. Jesus, Murphy. They are good. But I'll tell you this. I found out my wife watches Netflix. Because otherwise I may have conducted myself a little differently with Ricky's... Oh, you mean when you tried to bang Lucy? Right.

Well, I do want to thank you for... I saw the stuff and I was pretty happy that you didn't go through with it. Even though you could have, I guess. You did pay for it. It was a dream. But it was a dream. It was a dream. But, you know, now that unfortunately you are apparently alive, that was plan B.

You know? Because if you were dead, it would be so much. You know? So if I hadn't... If you were dead, it would be so much... I'd feel so much better about it. You'd bang her. Oh, yeah, of course. Jesus. Okay, well...

Just calm down. But wouldn't you... If you were dead, wouldn't you want me to? Listen, when I die, I want my wife to, you know, go on and, you know, whatever. No, I guess if she was going to bang anyone, it was better than... Yeah, you'd be a pretty good option,

I guess. Better than her banging Randy. Yes. You don't want her banging Randy, you don't want her banging George Green, or Cyrus. Yeah, no. Cyrus.

And here's the thing, you're in Hollywood, you're on Hollywood Boulevard. When you leave here, you will walk down there. There's about a 70% chance you will be dead. So if you want me to give you

a 10 grand now. Jesus. Really? I'm going to give it to him. We... Jesus. Really? Is it about 70? I'm going to give it to him. We'll see how much makes it down the table. We'll get a cut. 70% chance of not making it?

Well, there's a 70% chance I have it at an incident. I will say that for sure. I'll walk with you. I'll show you what happens. Yeah, all right. People are very nice, but they're very, you know, fucked. Yeah. They're very fucked. Yeah. But are you starting shit with them? No, I'm very nice, but they're very, you know, fucked. Yeah. They're very fucked.

Yeah. But are you starting shit with them? No, I'm very nice. I put my freaking head down and just keep moving. And, you know, they're nice. But it's the weirdos that are dressed up like Superman and whatever. Because let me tell you something. They're out there all day.

They don't go to the bathroom. They go to the bathroom in their pants. And they're on crack. And they're on crack. They've got to be on crack. It's part of the job requirement. I mean, how else are you going to do that? So if you ever get in a fight with one of those guys, you're going to get their bubbly fucking to their head. Yeah.

I saw SpongeBob down there. And he pulled his arms into a SpongeBob thing. And then you could hear him, like, I've heard of it. And he pulled his arms into a SpongeBob thing and then you could hear him like, sniffing inside the suit. I think he was doing rails inside the fucking SpongeBob suit.

Then you'd see his arms come back in. I was doing rails. He's probably jacking in that thing. He's doing everything, man. Yeah. They're out there all day.

I had to fight Superman. I was like, well, I thought it might be the real one and just to be able to say I beat the fucking Superman was cool,

but it wasn't even a fight. What do you mean the real one, Ricky? Well, there is a real one somewhere and I thought this was him say I beat the fuck out of Superman was cool, but it wasn't even a fight. What do you mean, the real one, Ricky? Well, there is a real one somewhere, and I thought this was him, so I fucking clocked him and he fought me back a little bit, and then I knocked him out. You mean the guy that serves as Superman out there? He weighs 110 pounds. Yeah, he's not that big. He's been there a long time.

He's addicted to crack. He's not a Superman. And he was a black guy, wasn't he? Black Superman? I don't know. Oh, I think it was. Oh, fuck, can I ask you this? You used to hang out with Chris Farley. Yeah, I love Chris Farley. He was the best guy I've ever met. I love Chris Farley.

That's it. There's one person I wish I could have met. Yeah. I wish I could have met Chris Farley. Was he awesome to just hang with? Yeah. He, yes, yes, yeah. He was very, you know, there was this, he was very sweet, but he was very, when he turned it on, he turned it on like.

He was high intensity, was he? He's high intensity. You know, I can be that way. But he, you know, like if we walked down the street here, he'd be like, oh, I don't want to do this because I don't want people to recognize me. And as soon as somebody recognized me, he's like, what's going on? Like he always pretended he didn't want to be recognized. But then he did his thing. That sounded like a dude.

Yeah. That sounded like a dude. He's a good guy. Can you tell me some kind of crazy story that maybe nobody's ever heard about him when you guys used to get cranked up? Well, let me tell you something. This is my favorite Chris Marley story. Yes.

So after he, you know, I got a call one day, and I quit drinking two years before, and I get a call. First of all, I saw an impression that he did on me at Victoria Jackson with Roseanne on Saturday Night Live. It was very funny. And we were going out there to host, and Lorne Michaels said, please spend time with Chris. I think you have a lot in common with him.

Meaning, you know, maybe he could have a mentor with his party so part of a when you quit drinking you have to make amends to people you've screwed over right yeah and so there was some people that chris had done horrible things to in college and so he went to their house it's beautiful they were very wealthy now in beautiful suburban chicago they had a big party for him like a nice buffet and everything and everything was great and he made amends to him and they were like we respect you we forgive you and in the middle of party a dog walked out onto the grass a giant dog and got his haunches and took a shit and everybody was like

laughing about it and Farley must have got the idea he left he ran behind next thing you know Farley comes out in front of people

completely naked and takes a shit no he didn't I swear on my fucking life in front of all these people he made amends to and they were like get the fuck out of here

you're in the way you know so he ruined all your inside outside was he all banged up on something at this point or was he just I don't think he was And they were like, get the fuck out of here. You're the worst. You know, so he ruined it. Outside. Okay, was he all banged up on something at this point? Or was he just doing his thing? I don't think he was. That's a hard part.

He did have a shit thing, too. I'm telling you. People in the second city, listen, listen. But listen, that's the only parallel between the two. Their shit thing. But, you know, in his wake, it was kind of sad. I hosted a thing at Planet Hollywood,

of course, and I said to his brothers, we've got to tell some real stories to get people laughing because that's what it's like. So every story had to do with shit.

Like, people that worked with him in Second City were like, you know, they had a buffet after the shows in Second City, and they were scooping

out their meat or whatever, and they noticed some toilet paper in there. Jesus Christ. And they look over at Chris. He had a thing. He loved being naked,

which I respect for a fat guy. Like he was, everybody has seen him. Something like Randy. He likes to be naked. Yeah, no, yeah. I can't believe he did that. He walked out onto their lawn in front of everybody.

Yeah, he got his haunches, just like the dog did. His wife, this is going to be hilarious. They loved it when the dog did it. Imagine what they're going to think when I do it. Yeah. And then he threw it in a cab.

It was just a... Oh, my God. But there's a few things. He mings well. Oh, see, I would have laughed my head off. Yeah. Myself. Yeah, of course.

I would have. Brilliant. I mean, Ricky's done that. I, well, once. When was the last time you took a shit on somebody's lawn, besides your own? Christmas 1989. No, Ricky.

The shit on ladies' curb back in... That was in the 90s. I forgot about that one, actually. Ricky, you shit on ladies' lawn last year. If I did, I don't remember it. I blacked out. But yeah, that could be an emergency shit. I thought there's intentional shit where it's like,

I'm gonna prove a point, I'm gonna make a statement, and then there's like, oh fuck, I have to shit right now. This is gonna be funny. Yeah. Decent. Decent, boys. This is awesome. Here. It'd be funny if you hung out with someone. Give me a cheers, boys. This is fucking awesome for being here in Hollywood. It is. Doing Hollywood stuff.

Who's the coolest celebrity in Hollywood that you know that you think is like, fuck, he's cool? Well, you know, my first year, the 1988 on the Roseanne Show, George Clooney was also on the show. And he's one of the, he is like an and every time i see him you know i'll see him at kibble's or i'll see him somewhere he comes up with his wife or his girlfriend whoever you know and he's like oh my god this is tough we started their careers together he said it's such a good friend and i think yeah but your career went way the fuck but you know that's in hollywood you're only as good as your last job. So I never get jealous of people because I'm like,

oh, you have to eat shit no matter what. It's just you eat more shit at certain jobs and a little bit less shit. But if you get used to eating shit, this is a good place to work. He talks about shit like Leahy does. A lot of shit talk here. So George Clooney is not only smashingly good looking, he's also a great guy. Jack Nicholson. Do you know Jack Nicholson?

Yes. Here's Jack Nicholson's story. Back in the day, I had a show called The Jackie Thomas Show, which was actually a good TV show. We were shot next to Seinfeld on the same lot, and I had a parking spot. And people kept parking in my parking spot.

So one day I came to work. And this is a famous story because they made a joke about it at the Oscars. And there was a car in my parking spot. So I wrote a nasty note like, are you fucking blind? This is my fucking spot. I put it on the car. And then we're in there shooting. And the security guard comes in and goes, we found you.

You parked in your spot. I go, okay, good. It's Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Seinfeld. I go, oh. But he goes, she wants to talk to you. I go, oh, that's fine. So I go out there, and I go, hey, don't worry about it. No big deal.

I thought she was apologizing. She goes, I am worried about it. I'm offended by your note. I go, really? You're offended by my fucking note? And you parked in my fucking spot? Anyway, so I called down the Roseanne set. It's down on a block there.

I tell Roseanne what happened. She takes a picture of John Goodman's naked ass, a Polaroid, has a limousine driver, one block, comes up, puts that on Julia Louis, drives his car, and writes Julia Louis dry puss in soap. And it became a big problem. Jesus Christ. It's a problem.

Yeah. And then Jason and Alex Andrews standing out there like, what the fuck are you going to do? You know? So, but, you know, Seinfeld was no part of this because he's a piece of it. Anyway, so, you know, it's funny to me. So I took, I asked, I got sued by one guy for this. I asked my assistant to take pictures of everybody's ass that worked on the crew.

So I had 100 pictures of asses so I could put them on everybody's car and then park them in my spot. One guy did sue me, that fucking asshole. Anyway, and so I was at the People's Choice Awards, and Jack Nicholson came up, and he's like, hey, you know this thing with Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Is that supposed to be a joke? I go, yeah, yeah, it's a joke. He goes, you better start making it funny. And that's when I realized, she's beloved.

And by the way, I love her fucking show. If I only watch shows of people that like me, I wouldn't watch hardly any TV. Her show, Veep, is amazing. And she's amazing. I was telling this same story recently at a party, and the guys with me are like, dang it. I go, why?

They go, she's standing right behind you with her husband. I'm like, oh, fuck. Now she double hates me because I don't breathe. She doesn't have nothing to do with me. You should have shit on her car. That would have been a good way. Barney would have done that. Would he fairly would have done that?

He would have done that for me. Maybe. Maybe. My God. So was Jack Nicholson pissed off? Well, he was like being one of the, he was giving me advice. Right. Because everybody respects him.

Like, hey, make it funny. But, you know, I saw him many times after that. And he was always nice. I'm always, you know, there's been people that I've met that I, since I've been out here, like, oh, my God, I can't believe. You know, and then I did a sports show. And, you know, I'm sitting between, I don't know if these names mean anything to you, but Willie Mays and Ernie Banks one day, and I'm like, how is this happening? You know?

And all the great hockey players that I've gotten to know. Speaking of shit, here's a great story. Jeff Cortnall, who's a good friend of mine, he and Sarah McLaughlin and him are a couple now. We know Jeff. We know Jeff. We know Jeff and Russ. Jeff's nickname was Horse because he has a huge dick. And Russ was Pony because he doesn't. Anyway, just a little inside information.

Horse and Pony, brother. Let me tell you something. When you do a charity event with these fucking hockey guys, it is on. So people paid $10,000. it was mark messier's charity fishing event up in vancouver island north vancouver island and uh by the way it was won by mark messier's sister who looks exactly like mark messier except with long hair so it might have been actually won by mark messier which whatever it's a hundred grand would you bang him well yeah of course i banged mark messier okay are you fucking kidding me i love that guy who's got bigger tits yeah well you know who finished second

was Chelios because he passed out in the boat and was vomiting and it drew in some tuna. They got on his hook and he actually finished second. The only person who would get in the boat was Isaiah Thomas because I don't think he could swim. I don't even want to go into any stereotypes.

But he did stay and hit on the woman at the place. I probably shouldn't say that either. But maybe he was just being very nice to her, the woman at the gift shop. Was he drunk? No, he wasn't. He was the only one that was. Just whoring?

Everybody was. Just whoring. Yeah. So this guy paid $10,000 to be in a boat with us. This is a big-time guy connected with EA Sports up there. And this guy got so drunk that he was bugging us. Like at a big time guy connected with EA Sports up there. And this guy got so drunk that he was bugging us. Like at night we were sleeping. All of a sudden, look, he's at the end of my bed

standing there. Jeff, I took his, ripped his shirt off and threw it in the fire. You know, we gave him all kinds of hints to fuck it, to fuck off. On the plane back, and then, you know, Bobby Hull is there. There's all these great fucking on the plane back, the guy is passed out. out and so Jeff Cordell takes his gift bag you get

a gift bag takes his gift bag from under receipt it goes to the bathroom it takes a shit in it and brings it back just as he's sliding it back under the guy's seat the guy's eyes open connect with Jeff Cortland's eyes and he's like you better not have done anything to my bag and fuck. Anyway, by the time we got to Cordell's car, the guy had dumped his bag of shit all over Cordell's car, which is kind of a hockey thing they do to rookies where they shit on the handles of their car. They're into shit.

They shit each other's skates. They shit the markers up their asses. It's weird. They're great, though. The hockey players of all the sports, of all the athletes, are the nicest. Really? Yeah, because it's the hardest sport. You start young. It's hockey players,

and then baseball players, and football players, and then basketball players. If that little player is five guys, they don't care. They're stars or whatever. Hockey players,

you know they fucking have been out in the cold and fucking worked their asses off and had to go through all kinds of shit. You're playing basketball. They've got it a little bit easier.

But seeing Jeff and Sarah McLaughlin, we did a benefit together, and it's just great. And he's all told, in front of her, he's like, don't tell the story. He's got two persons. Yeah, don't tell it. She's so cool.

She's a really cool kid. She needs to go to the bathroom and shit in the bag. Yeah, I said, is she going to play the sad dog song? And then he told her I said that. She's the number one scene in the bathroom with shit in the back. Yeah, yeah. I said, is she going to play the Sad Dog song? And then he told her I said that, that there's a song

that was in the Sad Dog. Yeah, that was for the SPCA. Yeah, and she did play it. She's amazing. I think they should have kitties on the commercial. She's awesome. People don't care as much.

She's awesome. She's from Canada. She's from Halifax. She is actually great. She is so great. She's from out, you know, right close to Sunnyvale.

She's from Halifax, Canada. Yeah. I wouldn't shit on her windshield. Yeah. I don't even know what that means, Ricky. No, he said I wouldn't shit on her windshield. Like, why would you even think of that? Is that a metaphor or what are you talking about?

I thought we were talking about shitting on people's windshields. I got one more idiot guy story. Let me tell you this. Does it involve shit? No, but it involves Wade Gretzky. All right. Now, Gretzky is the greatest guy, and if you do a charity thing with him,

after he's had 10 or 15 beers, he will give you literally his shirt off his back. People pay for one of his jerseys, his sweaters, whatever you call it, that he just puts on. They'll pay like 50,000. Like he's the best dude, right?

Oh my God. He's got a weak, there's a, he's got a weakness for this guy named Kevin Washington whose dad is apparently a billionaire up there

and owns a railroad or something. So this fucking Kevin Washington. We're up there at Microsoft with Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer

and Gretzky and I have been paid so much money to do this show and we've, and we're being polite to everybody and he invited his friend Kevin Washington who is still alive

he invited him because he likes him and his wife kind of takes care of him but whatever and I'm standing next to Steve Barber and Bill Gates and Wayne Gretzky and they're saying boy you gentlemen really came through. We were also doing a thing

for the Ronald McDonald House, by the way. So there's kids there. Kevin Washington comes up and goes, hey, the fucking hookers and drugs are in the fucking hotel room, guys. Let's go. And so then he left,

and it's these two guys, and they just walk away from... And I'm like, dude, that's fucking Gretzky's friend. It's not my friend. That happened. Jesus Christ. He had to get him in from Vancouver.

It was a long journey. We were in Seattle, of course. And apparently it was a journey to get the hookers and drugs in from Vancouver. But he did it. All right. If we meet Gretzky, we need lots of jerseys. Throw them on. Make some money.

And hookers. If we meet Wayne Gretzky, you're not putting a bunch of jerseys on him to make money. No, no. Because I won't let you. If you get him really drunk, like pass out drunk, and then just put a bunch of them on him. Without a doubt. He'd make thousands of dollars. Take pictures of it, though.

And pictures. Document. Yeah. Because people have shit on him. People have fake, you know, or Gretzky shit. How much would that be worth? A lot. Like, this is a true story.

Johnny Depp was filming a movie, and you know how they come and suck the shit out of your trailer? Yeah. People bought that. Yeah, I swear to God this is true. They bought it and they sold it. Who the fuck would buy that? There's some weird fucking... Anybody out there?

Just look down there. There's at least 2,000 people that would have bought Johnny Depp's shit. How much? Anybody down there? Just look down there. There's at least 2,000 people that would have bought Johnny Depp shit. How much do you make? Well, that's a good thing. How do you verify it? How big is

Gretzky's hammer? It's not, it's fine. I noticed the, let me tell you the biggest one. Let me tell you something. I did a sports show

and I don't believe, stereotypes are bad, but there's one that's true. I did a sports show with And I don't believe, stereotypes are bad, but there's one that's true. I did a sports show with a guy named John Sally. And he's a seven foot tall black guy that played many years. He won a bunch of races. He's a very nice guy. And I heard a rumor that he had a big penis for a seven foot tall black guy.

Like if your penis was average size, you know. I lived in Florida with Shaquille O'Neal for eight years. We'll tell you, he played in the Lakers. You know, if his was average, it was huge. Just like his, he, it was huge. Just like he had a huge toilet. Like that mini-me guy, Bert Troyer, would have drowned for sure. Although he'd probably drown in a regular toilet.

But no offense, I love him, by the way. He's on the show, whatever. Anyway, so I hear this about John Salley. And by the way, if you work with athletes, they are the nicest people. You say, hey, can I see your biceps? They're going, sure. Can I see your penis? They're going, sure. Can I see your penis? They're like, sure.

They don't think about it sexually until He-Wood Resources comes down and you have a lot of those problems. Anyway, so first day of filming the Best Dance Sports Show period, I say, hey, John, I heard you had a big penis for a seven-foot-tall black guy. And he's like, yeah, that's true. I go, really? I got to see that fucker. You know? And so he showed it to me, and I swear it had a fucking elbow. Like, it went bent here. It was like and I swear it had a fucking elbow. Like a bit here. It was like an arm.

It had a little ashy. I put some of this on there. This. Who's the guy that pays you for this? Jocasa. Jocasa. Is that a, like a... Don't encourage him, because he'll...

Is Jocasa Steven Seagal's trainer? Jocasa. I don't know, man. He might be, but... No, he's not. He's Julian. Say whatever you want, man. Anyway. So he's got a big weapon on him, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does. 99.9% of men have the same size penis. So he showed you. Yeah, of course. And he took it out. Yeah, that was a huge mistake. Was it soft or...? Soft, yeah.

Wow. At first. No, but, I mean, that's amazing. You didn't jerk it, did you? No. But let me tell you something. There is a big story in Hollywood right now about this billionaire who owns Viacom. And hopefully nobody will see this.

And he had these two girlfriends. I know one of them. And he gave them each, like, $100 million. And he's 92 years old. He's just laying there. All they have to do is make out with each other with their shirts off every night why not would you go over and just on the tip of his dick for a hundred billion dollars you're fucking right i would i would go i would i would i guarantee i would for a hundred billion dollars you suck it up. Not for a billion. Boys, just lick it.

Just lick it. Just not suck it. Okay, you're basically sucking off an old two-year-old man. Let me tell you something. I grew up on a farm. I fucking raised horses. I fluffed. When you're getting a horse,

you're getting a... You've chucked on a horse? Fuck yes. Every farmer has. If anybody's raised horses, they had to get in there. Because some of them, you're trying to breed them.

How long does it take? How long do you got to chuck those horses? Those are bigger than John Sally and the fucking dicks there. No, you get in there and you get these soft gloves on there, put a little stuff on there, and you just get to go. You'll do whatever it takes to make a fucking... What do you do with the load? The load goes into the other horse. You're trying to get the other horse pregnant. You're not just jacking it onto your own face here. Oh, no. That's being a farmer, man. You do the foreplay for the horse. So you say to yourself, if I could do that with a horse,

could I do it with a 92-year-old billionaire for $100 million? The answer is yes, because I got paid like $4 an hour to do it with a horse. Tom, Tom, you should never click a man's unit for $100 million. $100 million? What if he did? Let me tell you this. Talk about an act of service. Think how happy

I would have made him. He's on his last days and all he wants is for me to lick just the end of his penis. You're damn right I do. I've done other things. I like being in service.

I would do a lot for $100 million. Figure his ass out. I'd do that for $4. $4. $100 million to suck him off. $4 to figure his ass. $100 million is a lot of money.

Yeah, it's not enough. And don't say get sucked off. It's not different. Would you lick the back of his hand for $100 million? Yeah, yeah. Do you pretend it's not enough? It's not a second at all. It's different.

That's a $10 million dollar. Would you have a bath with him? Guys. Would you have a bath with him for $100 million? That's his last request. No, no. All right. If I had to do it, I'd have $100,000? That's his last request. No. No. All right.

If I had to do it, I'd have to punch him in the back of the head or something afterwards. Keep the fuck out of a senior citizen. I wouldn't do that and I wouldn't jack off a horse for anything.

I would. Tell me, man. I would, well, yeah. It'd be less than $100,000,000 for my price for the horse. Yeah. $100,000,000 to lick the tip of a penis?

I mean, for real, you do that as a dare. It's a lot of money. He's not a senior. He's 92. He's all the way up to $10 million. I would do it for the kitties. All right, I would, no, I'm not saying it. I'd do it for the kitties.

You know how much fucking cat food I could buy with a hundred million? Right. What'd you do for a hundred grand? Well, it's a lot of cat food, too. Tax-free? But, but, so guys, you lick one knob, you're a cocksucker. That's fine. You were enabled to cocksucker. No, you're a knobcksucker. That's fine! You were a cocksucker.

No, you're a knob licker. You're a knob licker. No, no, there's a difference between a cocksucker and a knob licker. Don't even go there. Alright, you're basically sucking. Cocksucker's a whole thing. You're basically sucking. That's a whole different arrangement.

100 million dollars. You have to have a writer, you have to have specifics with that. But just to go there and lick it? No. You might not even have picked up a sculpture and go, ah! I don't even think that's fucking true. there and lick it? No. You might not even have picked up his culture. He's getting excited about this. I think you'd do it for a lot less than a hundred million.

A lot less than a hundred million, for sure. I got two kids. I want to get this in. Let me tell you this. The last thing, this is my best drug story. We were eating mushrooms in college. They were sent out and my fucking roommate took my mushrooms and ate them. And I fucking hit him so hard in the stomach, he puked.

I took the mushroom out of the puke, and then I ate them. And that is a fact. His name was Tim Kurtz. Kevin Borden was standing right next to me, and they know that's a fact. That's fucked up. You hit him to make him puke up the mushrooms? Yes, fucking right. He ate my mushrooms.

You're basically saying if you can eat vomit and mushrooms, you'll suck a cock. Plus, I worked in a bee pack and plant for three years. I've done worse. Okay.

Than lick, let me explain. Just licking the tip. I know. It's not a suck job. It's a lick. If you want to, Matt, that's up to you.

No, no, no. It's just lick. No different than licking the back of his hand. No, it's a lot different. Make sure nobody in Hollywood sees this story because this could be

career-ending. Who's the biggest arsehole in Hollywood that you would say, you know what, that guy is a arsehole? He's a dick. Well, uh...

You know who it is. You guys. You know, I feel sorry for all of them. They're all under a lot of pressure. You know? They're all under a lot of pressure. You know, they're all under a lot of pressure. But I think the people that are rude to waiters.

Like the guy whose dick we're going to suck. That guy. I've seen him be really rude to waiters. I hate that shit. I hate fucking people that are rude. Let's do a little game. Dick or not dick. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Dick or not dick. No. Does he have a dick? No. Is he a dickhead? No, he's nice. So that's or not dick. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dick or not dick. No. Does he have a dick? No. Is he a dickhead? No, he's nice. Sylvester Stallone, dick. Very nice.

Dolph Lundgren. It seems nice. I don't know him. Now that we've cleared up all the people you're attracted to. Steven Seagal is a fucking weird dude. If you rewind this, you will see that he just named off four people whose penises he would let for $100 million. He's clearly attractive. He's got a lot on his mind.

He's got a lot on his mind. He's super fat. He colors his hair with a black Sharpie. He's under a lot of pressure. He's got moves, though. He could take you down. No way. No way.

I'll tell you what. Jet Li is this tall. His hands are that big, and he can kick all of our asses. Steven Seagal's wrists are that big. He's this big. No way. He moves his leg up, and then a stunt guy does the rest of the fucking leg. I'm telling you, I'd take his knees out.

Yeah, I think he probably did. No. But he's not. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Dickhead or not dickhead? You know what? He probably was, and then he was like, oh, that's not working. No. That was nice.'s not working. No.

That was nice. He gets humbled. Okay. There's that movie, JCVD. Yeah. I thought it really liked. I root for all those fucking dudes, man. And then Sly hires them to be in the expendable.

Sly's the best. Yeah. Arnold's the best. And Tyga's Sly. But fuck it. I'm going to be Arnold. Yeah. That'd be amazing. You do the celebrity apprentice. He's hosting it. Have you met Donaldid. I'm fucking Arnold. Yeah. That'd be amazing.

You do the celebrity apprentice. He's hosting it. Have you met Donald Trump? I have. Is he all right? Dick or not dick. Yeah. In the old days, I did a comedy special at one of his casinos.

He was very nice. I directed it. And then he asked me to do the celebrity apprentice. And I said no, because that's the worst thing ever. But now, you know, he's out of his mind. He's out of control now. He's out of control. he's out of his mind. He's out of control now. He's out of control. He's fucking out of control.

He's out of control. He is out of control. I want to say something about your prime minister. Everybody's like, oh, my God, he's so good looking. He's got to quit letting people punch him in the face, because he's getting that punch. He's a handsome guy, Trudeau, but he's getting that thicker face from being,

he's being about his boxing thing with his boxing coach, but he's taking too many hits. He's getting puffy in the face that's just my mike you know that's the only thing i can say about him he's a good looking dude but you can tell when a guy's been hitting the face too much it starts getting swelled up yeah he could be drinking a lot yeah well i'm sure both it could be it could be puffy pills too yeah those pills that make you puffy. Puffy pills? Puffy pills. Do those exist? No, they don't exist. Was either saying that back in college you used to like boys and girls? Me? I wasn't in college. Clearly it wasn't me. Yeah, you lost everybody when you said college. I wasn't ever in college, so it wasn't me clearly. You could have been in college. You could have did that thing.

I got to take a piss, boy, so. What? Because I drank about nine beer today. I was thinking, what if, I mean, it wouldn't happen now, but if Chris Farley married someone with the last name Nearly, it would be weird. And they hyphenated his last name? Yeah.

Like Jane Nearly Farley? That'd be kind of funny. See, this is the kind of thing that Ricky's brain does. He's probably been thinking about that since we talked about Farley 20 minutes ago. Nearly Farley. We can edit this, right? No, I don't edit shit. We should edit something.

Boy, yeah. Let's go downstairs and hit the streets, find some freaks, watch him lick a knob, do whatever, finger somebody in the ass. There's got to be a special money. Not just any knob. We could probably make some money doing this. I bet you would lick a knob for $1,000, Julian. Who? Huh? No, you.

I'm not going to fucking... You'd be $1,000 right now if you'd lick that. I do have $1,000 fucking I'm not going to lick it Just say it It's American Ask Ricky well he'll do it Do what? I'm just wondering If you had a hundred knobs in a row

Lined up and you got a thousand for each one All you had to do was go That'd be a great job. Every day you go in there, make a hundred grand just really quick. You know, I used to fucking chisel heads in a meatpacking plant. I used to bone.

I would rather do that. If you're closing your eyes, it's no different than licking a fucking ice cream. No, it's not. You're licking units, okay? And you're getting paid a lot of money. A hundred grand a day. Basically a porn star.

They light up. You get a fucking, you get a team of people, like these people, they set it up for you. You don't even come in there until they're all set up. Then you go down that line. You can do it probably two minutes.

Could they put you on a conveyor belt and you just keep your tongue out and they just Oh my god, they would do that. They're gonna get some wise guy that's gonna have a load ready just to fucking, there you go. Well then you shoot them all back at them, man! No, that wouldn't, that wouldn't. Oh, okay, okay. If you were on a conveyor belt and you just had to stick your tongue out and they just

That would be the best job at the meat and pecking plant. By the way, penis dicks are corkscrews. And so... What are they? Penis penises. I mean pig penises. Pig dicks. They're corkscrews, so they're funky looking.

So if they start fucking when you're... It's harder to pull them off. Oh, yeah. They're corkscrews. They get in there. Just like their tails. That's a curly. Curly co yeah. That's fucked. Their corks, they get in there. Just like their tails. That's fucked up. Curly cocks.

That's fucked up. Okay, on that note. On that note. Yeah. Well, I know a lot about animals. I also know what's inside their eyeballs if you cut them open. It's like this...

Jesus. This clear kind of... It's cool. People suck. They eat eyeballs in some countries. They eat everything. They're probably pig cocks. Right.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten? Well, that vomited up mushrooms. That's probably up there on the list. I mean, I eat everything. People are like, how can you eat meat? You know what's in it. How can you eat sausage? You know what's in it. As a fucking half, I cut a piece off

and put it in my knife. I did cleaner. He had a boiling thing of water. He kept your cleaner knife I fucking cook it right there and eat right there. You know, it's fucked up. Yeah, he's been one of those survivors shows man I did Bear Grylls. Are you doing that? He was on Bear Grylls fucking right? I did it and he was like trying to gross me out by eating fish yet fish eyes I was like that is a girl probably grow anything so you could grow us him. Oh, yeah, I doesn't gross me out. You probably grossed him out. I won't eat anything. So you could gross him out. Yeah, I didn't like the heights, but as far as eating shit, I was hungry. Would you lick his unit for a thousand bucks?

Not a thousand. But there's a price. Okay. There is a price. No, there's a fucking price. You don't have a price at all. There's always a price at all. Why are you so fascinated about it?

I just can't get over it, man. It's been a lot today. Yeah. He just wants to know what the price is because he wants to get in on the action. I'm just getting over it, man. It's been a lot today. Yeah. He just wants to know what the price is, because he wants to get in on the action. Hey, boys, let's go down on the strip, you know, find doctors. Sunset Strip or whatever it's called.

Cheers. Cheers. I want to go find a pig and look at its penis now. Well, he'll fluff it up and get a herd. I wish I had a corkscrew penis. Yeah, because you don't have to try so hard, because that does all the work. It'd be good. Because once you get locked in, man, you don't have to think of other women.

You can just focus in there. Or yourself. Pissed off with Jeff Gordon. I'm jealous. Yeah. Lucky bastard. All right, Ricky's jealous, you know, of Jeff Cortnall's cock. That's it. Horse.

He's cocking his horse. Cheers. To horse and his brother, Pony. Well done, Jeff, you son of a whore. Fuckers.