Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 45 - Crab Check

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Bubbles has some bad news - there's an outbreak of crabs in Ricky's trailer! Better check your bags, boys! Also: The Oscars slapdown, Billie Eyelash, and some totally f**ked April Fools!

All right on, boys. You know what? I feel good for fucking once. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, summer's almost here, and it's fucking winter's gone, man. We're done. No more snow.

It's pretty fucking cold this week, man. It's April. That's spring, isn't it, bubs? It's spring, but how good do you feel? I feel this week, man. It's April. That's spring, isn't it, bubs? It's spring, but how good do you feel? I feel fucking great, man. It's going to be like, this is going to be the best fucking summer we've ever had, I guarantee you. I like your attitude. Thanks, guys.

I got a little bit of news that might change your attitude a bit, but it's not a big deal. What are you saying, man? What's up? What's up? What the fuck is that? Bring it on. I don't give a fuck about anything right now. We're going to confirm it's not a big deal. What are you saying, man? What's up? What's up? What the fuck is that? Bring it on. I don't give a fuck about anything right now. We're gonna confirm it. I got this pocket microscope. What?

Well, you know how we had movie night? Yeah. We watched movies in Ricky's bed. Well, one of my kitties has crabs. And I have them. How does that work? Bull fucking shit, man. I tested, I looked with this thing

and there was one there and I got them, but I mean, if there's one there, you guys, you're gonna have to search your wiener. So if I got crabs, I got them from you? Well, maybe. Like, my kiddies had them. Oh, my fuck. I don't want to have crabs, man.

Crabs are the worst fucking thing in the world, man. I know. It took you two months to get rid of the fucking things. Well, they'd like to come back. Here, Ricky, you can look at your wiener through that. Oh, you... Buzz, I told you fucking movie night's a stupid thing. Like, why do we do it?

Why can't we just watch it through the fucking sofa? Because it's fun to get under the covers in your jammies. Holy fuck. And it's not my fault you didn't wear jammies. This thing works. You gotta wear your big Charles Atlas stage thong every time. No, I don't, man. Your muscle.

No. Your flex underwear. This is cool, man. I like this thing. I can't use it on myself, but you're gonna have to do it. Butts, would you check him out, please? Ricky, I don't want to. You can do it.

I just can't bend. All right, I'm itching. I'm fucking itching, Bob. You know, you take your phone, Ricky, and you put it up to that, and you put that down, and then you look at the screen. If you see something moving, put it right on top of it. If I got fucking crabs, I'm going to fucking lose it, Bob. I'm just going to pretend. Yes, I'm as itchy as fuck right now.

Is there any in my eyebrows? That's what happens when you wear a thong to fucking movie night. It wasn't a fucking thong, you assholes. What did he call it, Bugs? He called it his Joe Weider workout underwear. Joe Weider workout fucking underwear. You, that's what they use them for. They get on stage and they get oiled up

and they do the flex downs. They got those little tiny banana hammocks on. You know what? Puffs, it's not a banana hammock. We gotta fucking figure this out. Should you go check this out right now? Start by looking in your bed with

it, Ricky. If they're in your bed, then you know you've got them. Jesus Christ. Are you fucking kidding me right now? You can start by looking in your bed with it, Ricky. If they're in your bed, then you know you've got them. Jesus Christ. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Fucking Jesus. Well, you'd be able to see them, wouldn't you? You're not going to see them on a black fucking t-shirt. Alright. Going to do a crab check.

Check under your fucking bag, too. Why don't you check under my bag? I'm not checking under your fucking bag. You're the one that probably gave us all crabs in the first place. I haven't been with anybody. Doesn't matter. You just go to dirty fucking places, Ricky. And you don't, Mr. Strip Club fucking queen. I didn't get, you got the crabs, not me, man. That's a great way to start the fucking day. What a conundrum we're in. What a conundrum.

Did you... How many crabs did you find on your body? Six. And how many on the cat? All the cats are dosed. I, uh... Hundreds. I couldn't find any in the bed.

I didn't check my bag. Oh, you know what, though? What's the date today? I forgot. I gotta mail something. It's fucking April, man. March 32. Isn't it?

No. What's the date? It's the first of April today. I think, fuck. April fools! Ha ha ha! You fucking cunt! April fools! Bubs? No crabs! Jesus fucking cunt. April Fools!

Bubs? No crabs. Jesus Christ, man. It's one of my worst fucking hated things to have. Crab free. I was just teasing you. You have the microscope and everything. Yeah, I bought that at the Sally Ann.

So this is a well-thought-out fucking little April Fool's? Bubs. Yeah, premeditated. Don't fuck with us this way, man. You ruined my day, by the way. You were gonna throw all your Joe Weider sex underwear. I don't have sex underwear, man. I already ripped my sheets off.

You were gonna throw all your sex underwear. That's real funny. There's nothing funny about fucking crabs, bubs. No, but that was a good prank. I'm a prankster. I'm a prankster. I'm a prankster. All right, are we done now?

I don't know if I really... Pull out your knob and I'll put it in my mouth. The what? April Fools. Ricky, that's not a... That's not a good April Fools. Don't be telling people. You'll put their knob in your mouth.

Doesn't even work. It does. If you put it down with these letters, it makes them big. You got to twist the little dial, man. Twist it. Oh, yeah, there's a crab in here. Smack the book, Ricky. Don't fucking do it, boss.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I should have covered the lens with black marker. That would have been a double whammy. He would have had big circles around his eyes. Or he should have drew a little crab in there. Yeah, I could have did that. We'll get fucking Randy with that. I could have got Ricky to rub the eye lens on his sack, too.

And then you would have stuck his sack in there. Why would you do that? April fools. That did touch some of my body parts, just so we're clear. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. But I showered recently. Doesn't matter, man.

You got Ricky's bag juice on your eye. I need to sanitize myself. Your eye's puffing up, Julian. Use the duct tape. It's puffing up. All Julian puffing stuff. I'm all set. All right.

Okay, April Fool's. Welcome. It's been a good week. It was a good week for Canada. They qualified for the World Cup, soccer. Lots to celebrate. We'll be betting money on them for sure. Yes.

Points bet money. Points bet money, yeah. Fuckin' rights. Yeah. So you gotta make some money this week so we can put that into the... in the pot. Who? You. I'm not putting my money in no pot. I'm putting it in my bank.

Oh, you know what? No, no, no. You're gonna bet on the fucking game, Bubbs. A little bit. How... yeah, a little bit. Not everything I make. I could make upwards of 80 bucks this week. Well, you could probably triple that. If you bet it. Yeah.

At least triple it. It's hard to lose. No, it's not, Ricky. We're winners. Canada's going to win. Oh, I have no doubt, but I can't gamble my whole life. Turkey dinner. Every cent you have on the game.

No, you don't control my money. I will be doing the same thing. You don't control my money. You control your money. You want to lose your money, go ahead. But when you do, don't come asking me for a loan. That's my money, man. I'm good with money.

Remember when we watched those awards for the... What are the awards for actors? The Oscars. Is that what we watched? Yeah. All right. Why? I forgot what I was going to say.

The Oscars. It was a weird one this year. It was like people getting slapped around and shit, eh? Yeah. Bit of drama. I wish it was like they should have turned it into a fucking full-on fight, man. That would have been wicked. You know what I'm saying?

Have you seen those slap fights people are having? Where they, you belt each other? I know. Will Smith should have stood there and said, your turn, bud. And then Chris Rock should have fucking just gave him one, man. Yeah. I don't know what thought about that whole fucking thing. That was weird.

Those slap fights are, They're like big money. Can you bet on those on points bet? Yes, you can. Because they are sanctioned sporting events. It was actually at the Mr. Olympia. They had the Arnold Classic. They had a slap fight competition there. Oh, you were watching the Arnold Classic.

No, I wasn't watching. I just fucking heard about it, bubs. I don't watch that shit. Probably beating off to it. Remember Billie Eilish and her brother? They won that award. Yeah, they won. I guess they recorded that song in some fucked up place,

like a basement of a bus or something. Basement of a fucking bus? What? It was somewhere weird like that. How many... Ricky? It was. How many, Ricky? It was. How many buses have a fucking basement in it? Okay, well, I don't know.

Maybe I misheard. The underneath of a bus, like where they put your luggage? I thought that that's what they said. There's no way they... They only find somewhere quiet and that was the quiet place. In the belly of a fucking bus where you put the fucking luggage. I don't know. What was the James Bond name of the song? Look it up in your smart box no time to die wasn't it where was it recorded

look up where was no time to die recorded anyway i thought it was somewhere fucked up so then i started looking up fucked up places that albums got recorded yeah you know the nine inch nails the downward spiral yeah they record that fucking thing in the Sharon Tate murder house. Really? That's cool. That's cool. It's a weird one, but I guess it's cool. That's up on, yeah, I know where that is, too.

Laurel Canyon, isn't it? It's in Laurel Canyon. I think it's on. You said Oral Canyon. No, Laurel. Oral Canyon would be a good place to go. That would be an awesome place to go. Oral Canyon. Yeah, man. I wouldn't want to go. That would be an awesome place to go. Laurel Canyon.

Yeah, man. I wouldn't want to go to Laurel. Let's go parking in Laurel Canyon. I'm listening to the fucking Bond's tune. No time to die. No time to die. The Tate House is on Cielo Drive in Laurel Canyon, I believe. Okay.

Cielo. We drove past it one time. Remember we went on one of those haunted tours? Is Cielo like close to yellow or is it a totally different color? No, it's not a color, Ricky. Oh. It's like cello with an I in it instead of an L. Fuck. What?

How's it going over there? The filming took place in the basement of a box. The northeast side of Jamaica. Not the filming. That's where you want to film a film at. I don't want to give a fuck. I know just a second. It was filmed all over the world, wasn't it?

No Time to Die. Jimmy Bond. Bond. Jimmy Bond. Has he ever said that in a movie? I don't even know why I wrote this down. It just says a woman in the UK gets a cold, goes into a coma, and forgets 20 years of her life.

Well, that's a... That's fucked up, man. Imagine getting a cold and then all of a sudden things aren't good. You were in a coma. Was I? You were in a couple comas. Big time, man.

How'd I do? You did fine. You did fine. Remember, we woke you up with weed and stuff. Well, I don't want to fucking go into another one. Not from getting a goddamn cold. Forget 20 years of my life. I wouldn't even know who the fuck you guys are, would I? I don't know.

What's he going on about? Okay, it was, uh... Oh, it was... Fuck, I don't know, man. Oh going on about? Okay, it was... Fuck, I don't know, man. Oh, yeah, it was on a tour bus. Ooh. We record the vocals in a bunk in the dark on the bus in a basement in Texas. Hello.

Yeah, but it wasn't... The bus was in the basement. That's a pretty big fucking house. Probably in an arena, ding dong. How do you fucking know? Well, how many tour buses can fit in a house? Okay, listen. A lot can, okay?

There's people that got big fucking garages. It was pitch black, no movement. I was just literally holding a mic. It's not beautiful. It's pretty... Well, it just was a weird place. Basement of a bus. It turns out it wasn't the basement of a bus. It was a bunk, which is still a fucking weird place.

It's not as weird as this fucking charity murder house. It would be good sound in there because it's like a vocal booth. You're just laying on your back. But you've got a curtain. It'd be pretty quiet in there. Be like being in a coffin, wouldn't it? As long as you didn't have the generator running. Yeah, no, I definitely didn't have that running.

I don't think you can run a generator in a basement. I think that would be bad. Well, yeah, you get carbon monoxide poisoning. They must have been on what they call shore power. That's part of the lingo, I know. It's a good song. She's a good singer, huh? Oh, she's fantastic. She's talented. So is her fucking I know. It's a good song. She's a good singer, huh? Oh, she's fantastic.

She's talented. So is her fucking brother. Her brother's good, too. Yes, they're both fantastic. Billy Eilish. And what's his name? Phineas. Phineas.

How come he has a different last name and it's not an eyelash? It's not an eyelash, Ricky. Like, why couldn't we have, like, a brother or sister that was talented like that making some money for us? You know what I mean? Maybe we do. Why? Yeah, me might.

He doesn't have a different last name, does he? I think he just goes by Phineas. No, I thought it was a different name last, those Academy things. His best friend's name was Ferb. So lots of people just, Madonna, that's just their first name, right? Yeah.

Bono. Bono. This is a fucking weird one. What do you guys think about this now? This North Carolina dog, he got dumped at a shelter by the owners because he humped a male dog so they thought he was gay. All right. This is the most fucked up story ever, man.

I've heard about this. What happened? The owners of this dog dumped him out of shelter because he tried to hump a male dog. So they were like, nope, we're not keeping this dog. He's gay. Well, they shouldn't own a dog in the first place if that's the way they think. No, fucking idiots. Dogs fuck everything.

Even if he was a gay dog, who gives a fuck? Exactly. Anyway, he got adopted immediately. Thank fuck he was a gay dog, who gives a fuck? Exactly. Anyway, he got adopted immediately. Thank fuck. Are there gay dogs? There's gay everything, man. They do, instead of shaking hands, they sniff each other's asses, right?

Yeah, but that's not a sex thing. No, there's definitely gay dogs. Well, maybe the dog that he was trying to fuck was just obeying another dog. And then he went up to have a little sniffy poo i was like hmm let's smell something good on this this undercarriage undercarriage so that's when he you know got excited and tried to it well good for him good for the dog man i would say most dogs you know what dogs should be thankful those fucking ding-dongs dropped them off. Oh, I agree. If he could get his paw up, he could go, fuck you guys.

Get the fuck away from those fucking weirdos. Monkeys bang everything. Monkeys, there's lots of gay monkeys. Dolphins, they bang. There's gay dolphins, gay penguins. Penguins, they just bang whatever the fuck they want, man. No, they do the wing rubbing. They rub their privates with their wings.

Wing-wing. They rub their penguin wieners. Yeah, they stick their wing down and do a little... Do they? A little side jiving. A little wing jack. A little side jiving. How do they jack?

No, they can't jack. They can't... April fools! No, I'm kidding. Fuck, Buzz. You're going to stop this shit, man. I had you thinking about it, though, didn't I? I was just wondering how they would jerk off.

It's a bit, you know, they're horny. You really that curious about it? I can try to find out some information. Penguins could jack. They could just put the two wings, make it like that. Yeah. I wonder if they use their beaks at all. Do penguins have beaks?

Oh, yeah, they got beaks. They got little beaks, man. Oh, yeah, no, they got beaks. I was picturing a different bird. Now you're getting born on April Fool's Day. No, fuck, no, man. He could be like, oh, it's a boy. April Fool's.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure that would go over big. Oh, your baby's dead. April Fool's. Ricky. Is that Ricky? No doctor's going to do that on April Fool's Day. Can you imagine? I guess that would be kind of cruel.

Kind of. Kind of. You'd want to kill the fucker the hospital would get sued ricky you can't just do unless well the people thought it was really funny now there's i don't think anybody would though ricky holy shit man this buddy here has got the longest tongue in the world gene simmons nope 10.8 centimeters is that long mine's longer than that 10 must be inches man nope 10.8 centimeters that's what it's saying oh mine's fucking at least 20 inches the average human male tongue is around 8.5 centimeters oh man you got what maybe a little kid you got a measuring tape in here, Ricky? I'm going to measure my tongue.

We should. Where do you measure from, though? Yeah, that's the thing. You got to put it. I don't fucking know. Is it just the tip? What, do you think you could beat 10.8 centimeters? Yes.

You got to go from the tip back how far. That's the thing. Where's the cutoff point where it's no longer tongue? Anyway, this guy, I mean, it costs money for Guinness to come in and do, like, a measurement, right? So we can't afford it. Maybe we should start a GoFundMe. But if I had the world's longest tongue, would we be rich? Yes.

You'd be popular. Buzz, we'd be getting you into porn so fast, buddy, if you had the longest tongue. No, I wouldn't be getting into porn. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. You'd be using that tongue like a tongue? No, I wouldn't be getting into porn. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. You'd be using that tongue like a fucking... No, I wouldn't. Like a member.

I don't know if necessarily the longest tongue would be a good thing, but the fastest tongue might be a nice award to win. How fast can you get that thing going? Fastest tongue in the West. Gordon, not many people that I know got born on april fool's day this must be a good reason for that gordon jump though did this wk i know gordon jump is do you know gordon jump is this is wkfp no different show no it's wkrp gordon jump you don't know

who that is he's the maytag repairman mr car. Carlson. Yeah. Growing pains. Oh, fuck, yeah, man. I like Mr. Carlson. Gordon Jump, Mr. Carlson. He was born in Daytona, Ohio. Really? So he was from Ohio, and he was on WKRP in Cincinnati. Yeah. Yeah. Rudolph Illsley, American rocker, Illsley Brothers.

Shout. Shout. Shout. Let it all out. Different song, Ricky. That wasn't the Oasley song. Tears for Fears, right? How's that? The Oasley Brothers?

Is that who you're talking about? Yes. Don't know them. Or do I? Yes, you know the Oasley Brothers. Do they the ones that sing, Never close your eyes? That's different brothers. I don't know the Isley Brothers. Do they the ones that sing, You never close your eyes? That's different brothers.

I don't know that song, man. I don't know who originally did that. Susan Boyle. There you go, Julian. Why are you throwing that over to me? I thought you liked her. Susan Boyle? She can sing like a motherfucker.

She can sing. a motherfucker. She can sing. Yeah, but... I dreamed a dream that never dies. Scott Stevens, he was a fucking hardcore Czech motherfucker. Yeah. Do you guys know, you know in the Domino's Pizza, how they got three dots on it? You know what the three dots mean? No.

Pepperonis, aren't they? No, man. No, it's like a domino. It's a domino, Bob's. Domino's Pizza. Oh, yeah, I knew that. Because it represents the three original locations. And they were going to add a dot every time they opened up a new one.

That would be trouble. So they fucked up. Yeah. See, they should have been thinking bigger, man. They should have had something you could put all kinds of dots on. When did they... When did they what? When did they open the first three? I don't care.

You do like this guy a lot. Well, you cared enough to talk about the fucking dog. Logan Paul. What about him? He got born on the April Fool's Day, which is a fucking April Fool's joke. Isn't it? What? What are you talking about,

Riggy? You're not making any, he's not making any, I lost him. He's not making any sense again. He's a fucking strange guy. Who is? Logan Paul.

He's a rich guy. You know what? Who is it? Who's Logan Paul? You know those fucking Isn't he set up all those fights and shit? He's fighting me.

Oh, the boxing guys that are just... They're the Instagram fellas. They got a lot of money. Oh, yeah. See, if I was that young now, I would have... Who's the bigger fighter, Logan Paul or the other guy, Jake Paul? I don't fucking know, man. Who's the bigger fighter?

I don't know, man. That's a bigger fighter? I like the older brother. I don't know, man. That's a good question. They both had pretty big fights. How come you're not fighting for money? Because Ricky. No, man. You should. We should.

I want to. I will. A fight lead. Give me enough money, I'll fucking fight. I don't give a shit. Julian versus Tyson. I'd fight Logan Paul for a million bucks. There you have it, folks.

There you have it. There you have it, folks. Everybody that's watching this right now, let's get this going. Julian wants to fight Logan Paul for a million dollars. I'd have to start, like, I'd have to start doing cardio. How old is he? He's not. He's young.

He was born in 95. Fucking destroy me. He's only like 18. Oh, he'd kick the fuck out of you. You would be so winded in about fucking eight seconds. Let's go back to our first plan, fucking with fucking Mr. T. You're going to fight Mr. T? Yeah, he's old.

He'd be a good fight. Mike Tyson's old, too. Did you see him kicking the fuck out of people? Yeah, man. No, man. He did a good fight. Mike Tyson's old, too. Did you see him kicking the fuck out of people? Yeah, man. No, man. He's a machine. Tyson's a fucking machine. He is a killing machine, that guy.

You should fight somebody different, like John McEnroe or something. Well, it shouldn't be a boxer, Ricky. Yeah, he should do something, like, other than play tennis. Not in his 70s. He was pretty feisty, though. Let's do something, like, other than play tennis. Not in his 70s. He was pretty feisty, though. Let's get down to someone maybe in their 40s. Will Smith. Oh, yeah, he likes to fucking throw it out.

Bring it on. I mean, he did train to be bomb at all in that movie. Oh, yeah. He's got some skill. He's probably got some boxing skills. He might kick the fuck out of you, too. Yeah, he hasn't been to jail, though, so I don't know. Or maybe he has.

I always wanted to fight Danny McBride. Danny McBride? Love him. Who do you want to fight, Bubz? It would be a friendly fight. I don't want to fight anybody. I can't fight. For money.

For money. It's a whole different fucking ball game for money, dude. Danny Bonaduce. There you go. That would be awesome. No, he's actually pretty good. Did you see him? He got in the ring. One of those celebrity matches and everybody was joking around. That would be awesome. No, he's actually pretty good. Did you see him?

He got in the ring. One of those celebrity matches and everybody was joking around. Danny Bonaduce came in with the heat. Oh, yeah. He can fight. He can box. Yeah, he worked out quite a bit. He was big.

I'm not sure he's doing too good now, though. I don't know. He's all fucked up again. What about a good old-fashioned bat fight? Two guys, two bats. People would pay to see people beat each other with bats. Like, big time. Bat fight.

Get to wear a helmet. A helmet. Oh, my God. But there's people actually dressing up in, like, armor and shit. And fucking, they got swords. Oh, I know. And they's people actually dressing up in, like, armor and shit, and fucking they got swords. Oh, I know. And they're giving it to each other. I know.

They're doing knight fighting where they put on knight suits. See, maybe that's – I would do a knight fight. I would get dressed up and go at them with swords. You wouldn't fit in any armor. It would have to be custom. They didn't have muscular armor back in the medieval times. Well, you can – I'm sure they're making fucking armor somewhere, man. You'd have to wear the leather gladiator type.

Yeah. One piece. One piece leather cat suit. One piece leather sex armor. Oh, fuck. This guy was paid. All right. A baboon worked as a signalman for nine years

on a South African railroad. A baboon? A a signalman for nine years on a South African railroad. A baboon? A baboon. In the 1880s. He was paid in brandy and never made a mistake. You said he worked? He worked. A baboon man.

What did he do? He was a signalman on a railroad. A signalman? He worked for brandy. Like, this is a cool baboon fucking rights dude i wonder if he was related to you what did he have to do signal like stop go get the fuck out of my way i don't know man what the fuck's the signal man so is he drunk baboon he's a drunk baboon guiding trains full of humans and they paid him a brandy, so that's a great employee.

I would not want to be on the tracks going in a fucking steam locomotive fucking 50 miles an hour knowing there's a drunk baboon. Guiding us. Guiding us. No, me either. It's a fucking bad plan. People in Finland are a little fucked up, man. They've got a mobile phone throwing world championship that's held there. It's a fucking bad plan. People in Finland are a little fucked up, man.

They've got a mobile phone throwing world championship that's held there. The recent winner said he prepared for the event by mainly drinking. It's good training. That's great training. What's the competition? You throw a mobile phone, man. Is it based on distance, smashingness? Accuracy, maybe. i don't know stupid where do

you throw it i don't fuck you're in some field in fucking finland i don't know throwing it around can you bet on it yes you should be able to we should bet on that. We should bet on that one. Let's bet on that one. Bet on the drunk guy. See, there's something you could go over and do. Totally, man. You'd probably throw it right into outer space. I don't think so, man. Right to outer space. So what the fuck do we do on an April Fool's type of day?

Get drunk, bud. We could go trick Randy. Oh, let's do it. You should totally fuck him over. What do you want to do, Ricky? Burn his trailer down. And then say April Fool's. Oh, no, I guess that wouldn't work, would it?

You can't burn his trailer down and say April Fool's. Don't worry, we called the fucking fire department. April Fool's. We didn't. Let's paint all of his windows jet black. That's not really an April Fools thing. Oh, yeah. Prank.

That's just mean. We could tell him they're giving out free burgers at the King. We could steal a McDonald's truck and back it into his driveway and say April Fools. That's going to set him up so he goes to jail for like... A long time. Maybe a week. Okay.

I was thinking just tell him there's a free cheeseburger day or something. Get him all excited. That's it. That's simple. It's clean. No one gets hurt. Yeah. Waste his time.

The only thing you got to do is you got to go in and fucking demand they give you free burgers. Yeah, you got to yell at them. The person that's yelling the most for the burgers. You gotta make a scene. Makes a scene. Well, he might believe that. Okay, well, let's go over to Randy's then. Should we bring any paint or anything? No, Ricky, we don't gotta paint him.

Torches? Do you know a woman named Patricia High Smith? She was a novelist. This crazy fucking bird, she has 300 snails as pets, and she carried them in her handbag to parties. Think she was getting banged? How the fuck did she keep those little guys alive? I don't know, but what does she think?

300 snails in her handbag? Yeah. You'd have to soak the leather in seawater or something. I don't understand it. Why? Is she... Eh. Would she bring them out?

Did she ever eat any of them? Don't know, man. No, they're her fucking pets. You're going to start coming up with more information when you start just throwing them. Well, that's all I'm saying. I don't know what the fuck she's obviously crazy man who cares but how does anybody know about her because she's the lady that fucking brought snails to parties fucking handbag but did she bring them out on the table and give them shooters or what did she do with them i don't know she probably put them all over Were they like ocean snails or garden snails?

I don't know, boys. We need to know more about this. I'd say that had to have been garden snails because an ocean snail is not going to be happy in a fucking handbag. Neither's a garden snail, Ricky. Holy shit. All right. This is one last thing, guys, and it's pretty cool.

It's illegal to own only one guinea pig in Switzerland. Done. They get lonely. That's an April Fool's joke. No, it isn't. It's true. Try to buy one. You shouldn't really have one of anything because it totally cuts out the banging part of the pet thing. That's what I'm saying.

You need two guinea pigs. All right. I'm done. So need two guinea pigs. All right. I'm done. So we don't have crabs, right? We don't have crabs. We're going to go fuck over Randy right now. It's a good day. Hopefully get him thrown in jail for minimum three, five, maybe.

We're not getting him thrown in jail. Drunk tank? Drunk tank. Just say goodbye, for fuck's sakes. All right, see you later. Hello, bye-bye.