Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 46 - Three Horsemen of the F**kocalypse

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Get ready to Jingle Jangle Jingle with Bubbles on this stoned-as-f**k episode of Park After Dark! The Boys discuss alien anal probes, Coronavirus cruises, and the awesomeness of owning a horse. Also: Ricky comes up with an ingenious way to get free booze at the bar - the perfect scam for Valentine's Day!

I got Spurs, that jingle, jangle, jingle. And I'm riding merrily along. Julian. What? Gene Autry. Spurs, that jingle, jangleangle jangle! Remember this one? See any duct tape around? I got Spurs the jingle jangle jangle, he's fucking he had Spurs too.

Ricky! I got Spurs the jingle jangle jangle,, where's your fucking duct tape? As I go right and make me long. Where's your fucking duct tape? I got spurs that jingle. Let's have a hoedown, boys. Let's get some liquor out. What's up, boys? What the fuck is this shit?

I don't have any duct tape, man. I only got goose tape. That's pretty good. I guess I could say that. Merrily alone. I got spurs at Jingle, Jingle, Jingle. Gene Autry, he was a crazy bastard, boy. What the fuck you doing with the duct tape, man?

Marianne! I'm doing something that's going to look a lot better in here. I got spurs at Jing jingle, jingle, jingle. What the fuck is going on? Well, you don't have a fucking... ...Marilyn. ...mezzer and tape, so... ...I'm doing this.

I wonder if he was drunk when he was saying this. All right. Just setting up your theater, bud. My theater? Yeah. All right. And I'll jingle, jingle, jingle right along. Don't break anything back there, man. I'm not gonna fucking break anything.

I'm gonna fucking start her over. Nah, man. Come on, let's do something here. It's Perk After Dark. Welcome to the Perkers. After the Perk. Jesus Christ, man. That's not gonna fucking...

Be careful. Check that out. Alright, that looks pretty awesome. Theater. That's pretty awesome, I have to say. We'll hook her up. Bob, she gotta hook this up

to the TV. What? Gene Autry? Mary Bell! Holy fuck, shut this off. Mary Bell! Shut this off. Did you guys see that fucking

stripper that fell off the pool? Turn it off. Gene Autry to watch a stripper fall. It was awful, man. She went down hurt. I didn't marry me alone. We're at the aristocrat? No, man. I don't know where it was, but she was like way the fuck up and she came down fucking bad. I think she broke a bunch of shit and it was awful. A stripper?

Yeah, man. So I'm turning off Gene Autry to look at a stripper. You're gonna shit when you see this, man. She's lucky she fucking survived. Hey, what am I searching, Ricky? Jesus Murphy. I don't know how that stuff works. Well, what, a stripper?

False. You got any cables? What kind of cables? Component ones, those red and white ones. Probably. Is this it, Ricky? Yeah, man. Poor fucking thing.

Holy fuck! She was doing a good job, too. Whoa! That's a bad good job, too. Whoa! That's a bad fucking pole, man. Jesus! How tall is that stripper pole? And then she keeps twerking. That stripper pole's gotta be fucking... Is there any stories?

She's a pro, though, man. The poor thing! She did a faceplant right on the... I'm glad she's okay. She almost conked heads with the other stripper, too. That would have been... That would have been bad. She did an awful face plant.

I bet she broke her orbital bone. That sucks. Murphy. The poor thing. She's just trying to pay the bills, and she almost killed herself. Yep. Almost died, I bet.

Ricky, why would you show me that? I was just enjoying jangle, jangle, jangle. Gene Autry. That's what life is, bud. Bird. Life is a roller coaster. There's ups and there's downs. That is fucking cool. My new theater, man.

Well, that's decent. I hope it doesn't collapse. Better not get an earthquake. No, we're gonna have to strap her down. I don't doesn't collapse. Better not get an earthquake. No, we're gonna have to strap her down. I don't want that to fall on anybody. That's my... Don't forget who owns that. Well, it's been sitting there all... I know, but Snoop Dogg gave it to me, not to anybody else.

It's in the way, man. It's huge. No, I like it up there. Yeah, but when it's in the middle of a fucking living room? It's too big for my shed anyway. It'd fucking rattle the walls. Stop complaining then. All right. Fuck, boys. Welcome to Perk After Dark.

Let's have a snack. To start the day off, I'm going to get you guys learned about something that might save your life. Right on, buddy. How to stop a car with no brakes. Let's see what we're dealing with. Ricky, are you back into that fucking book? Stop a car with no brakes. How do you read numbers again? Huh?

Okay. Fucking throwing, like, gear, man. Like, gear down or... Just don't guess, man. This will tell you. You do what Fred Flintstone does. Just put your feet down. Put it on the floor.

That's not gonna... Well, in his car, you probably do. Keep pumping the brake pedal. Do not panic. Shift the car into the lowest gear possible and let the engine and transmission slow you down. Well, obviously. Pull the emergency brake, but not too hard.

Come on. If you're running out of room, try a bootlegger's turn. You make the emergency brake hard while turning the wheel. Quarter turn in either direction. Whichever is safer. This will make the car spin 180 degrees. No, you're not.

You're doing that. I can pull the handbrake and do a fucking, you know. A quick turn, you spin. Do a Rockford Files. Yeah. That's not a Rockford Files. If you have the room,

swerve the car back and forth across the road. See, this is all shit you would just think of anyway. Jump out. Just let the car go into the crowd. Save yourself. Not really.

I'm just teasing. You could, like, go over there. That was a lame one. Sorry, guys. Hit the guardrail. You know what I mean? Yes, if there's a brick wall, just grind her to a stop. Grind her right to a stop, man.

Holy fuck. How to survive an alien abduction? Okay. Cover your hoop. Because they're going to start anally probing you right away. Is that what they do? That's all they're interested in, apparently. Remain calm.

Aliens who abduct human beings rarely exert permanent physical harm on their victims. The best strategy is to remain calm and endure an experience without resistance. Enjoy the experience? Is that what it says? Endure. Oh, endure. Cover your eyes. What? Cover your eyes.

Press the inside of your elbow tightly over your face to shield your eyes from the painfully bright white lights that accompany abduction. You know what you do? You start fucking throwing haymakers, man, and just hope for the best. Start haymaking aliens. Fucking right. Yeah.

What if they're a fucking... You don't know what kind of a being you're dealing with. Focus on remaining... Well, the deal with something that's going to try to probe you. They could be a jelly being, where you just haymaker them and... Well, I'd be finding out as fast as possible. Nearly all abductees are rendered insensible during the period of abduction.

What if they all look like Patrick Swayze with fingers that long? And only recover the memory later. Why would you say that? What if they all look like Patrick Swayze with 12-inch fingers? Would you be haymakering them then? Yes. Or would you just be like, all right, fellas. There'd be no fingers coming near my hoop.

And this is what you should chant. I am awake, I am alive. I am awake, I am alive. As if you'd be saying that, you'd be like, get the fuck away from me. Or I'd be knocking you out. I'd be just like, hey, fellas. As you are tractor-beamed or ushered up the staircase of light that leads onto the ship, that's where you chant,

I'm awake, I'm alive. I'm awake, I'm alive. I'm awake, I'm alive. And also, you should... I might be insane, but I am awake, I'm alive. You should be observant, noting every aspect of the ship's interior, clothing, color, and shape.

Always look to the exits, is what they're saying. Of the aliens themselves. Always beware of the exits. Do you believe people are getting abducted and anal probed and shit? Be cooperative. I believe that aliens are out there. I believe a lot of people. Would you want to get abducted?

Obey the aliens' instructions, which may range from removing your false teeth to learning an alien language or even making love to an alien. What? Is that seriously in there? Bang me. Call someone. Take out your false teeth and bang me. When aliens deposit you back on Earth, immediately contact a friend or law enforcement. Yes, call the cops.

As soon as they pull your teeth out and probe you and they put you back on Earth, call the police. The longer you wait, the less likely you are to be believed. And then finally spread the message. Tell as many people as possible any warnings. Oh, yes. Get on Good Morning America right away and say you got anally probed that's good to know i'm awake i'm alive i'm awake i'm alive i'm awake and get banged you should say that anyway ricky whether you're being abducted by aliens or not you should just remind yourself

you would totally bang an alien man wouldn't you like you? Like, totally. What I don't see. Captain Kirk did. I think they usually bang you, don't they? Well, yeah. Captain Kirk banged an alien. A ton. That green lady. He banged that green lady. I'd have to do it just to see what it was like, I guess. I'd be scared.

He didn't give a fuck, man. I'd be scared you'd get in there and then something, you know, you don't know what's in there. Like a needlefish. You try to pull it back out and it just shreds you. Ah, Ricky. Jeez. Ribbon. You got a ribbon bird.

But what if it was just unbelievable? Oh, that's how you get sucked in right there. You're going to another planet, buddy. Man. They're telling me to leave. I'm like, no, I'm not leaving. Not leaving? Fuck.

That's the best banging I ever had. Yep. Banging aliens. All right. All right. Okay. And we're back. And we're back. We trailed off there for a minute.

Yes, I guess we did. They trailed off. Kirk and some of the aliens. I'm a little banged up today. Oh. Was it with that fucking, that girl I've been sort of seeing, Karen? Yeah. Yeah, man.

We had a fun night. You know what we were doing? We had no money, so we were pretending every bar we went to, I'd get down on one knee and ask her to marry me. What the fuck? I got burned. This is a good trick, Bubbs. Turn that the fuck off.

Gene Autry, bud. I get it. So what happened? You fake an engagement at a bar and then people fucking buy all kinds of drinks. It's great. Tricky fuck, man. Went to three different bars. Come on. Yeah, man.

It's actually a pretty good fucking idea. People are all mushy. Oh, fuck, let us buy you a drink. Well, if you really want to, I guess. How many times did we get free cake at Eastside Mario's with your fake birthday? That's an easy one, man. Then they started checking. Free booze. That's a good idea.

So you were faking an engagement with Karen. Yeah. I think it's going to catch on. It's a fucking good thing. I wish I could market it, like franchise it. There's no real way to check it either. You know what? Yeah, if you stood up in a chair and said, Attention everybody, I just got engaged.

Just got engaged? Who wants to buy this poor fucker a drink? Well, I don't think you ask for it. Well, you should. You let people come to you. Because you know when you say you get engaged, you're like, you poor fucker. Yeah, but people are going to know. They're going to be come to you. Because you know when you say you get engaged, you're like, oh, you poor fucker. Yeah, but people are going to know. They're going to be on to you.

If you stand up with that fucking silly hat and those glasses, hey, I just got engaged, everybody's going to be like, no, you're a criminal. You're a goddamn criminal, and I'm not buying you a drink. A couple people were like, what the fuck? Why would you get engaged with a bear? And then I made up some sappy story, but the first time I saw her, she was sitting in this bear.

See, that's good. It's pretty, yeah. You don't get up and announce it. You just let it, you just tell a couple people. All right, you know what? After the night. Organically spread around the bear. At the end of the night, you get up and do that, because then you're just like, I'm wasted.

Who wants to give this poor fucker who's going to ruin his life? Why don't you just pretend you're on a stag party? Put a big cock hat on with a cock out your forehead and go in and say, yeah, look at me. I'm a stag party, but no money. Are you willing to do that tonight? No. Let's do it, man.

No, sir. I was thinking more you. That's way less greasy. I was thinking more you. Nah. I can't go scamming drinks two nights in a row. They might be on to me. What if you go to a different bar?

Tonight's your stag. Oh, it could be my stag. You're getting married this weekend. Then we'll have the fake wedding. We could get a lot of liquor out of this. It's going to be a busy drinking week. That's all right. That's all right.

I've been pretty much drunk since the Oscars. Pretty much drunk since the Oscars. Yeah. What'd you think about it? I thought it was fantastic. Good. Best part of the whole show, Steve Merton, Chris Rock, I thought. Steve Merton.

It's funny. Yeah, he is funny, man. He's a funny bastard. So I've been meaning to ask you, you know how to build a bomb? Like a little one? Heck, you... I'm not building a bomb.

We could make some easy money this week, boys. I read a story about this dude that he blows up bank machines and gets all the money. Just a little bomb blows him up enough to fuck them out. I'm not building you fucking bombs to blow up bank machines. We could blow up one bank machine. what would it be, ten grand maybe? Or go to jail for the rest of our lives. No, no, you do it smartly.

Spray paint the cameras and shit beforehand. Blow up the fucking thing. Make sure no one's... Do you know what kind of a blast it would take to blow the sod out of a fucking bank machine, Ricky? The money's in a fucking steel case that thick. Well, do you know where I can get a grenade then? You're not using a grenade. C4? Dynamite?

It's got to be something, like just a little thing, man. You want to do this too, do you? Well, I mean... I bet if it were to build that new highway, I bet they got a fucking shit ton of dynamite there somewhere. Ricky, blow your arms off. No, you do it so it's safe. I'll just go and scoop up the cash.

I'm the bag man. You're the bag guy. Is that what that song's about? No, it's not bad guy, Ricky. It's bad guy. It's what? Bad Guy. Billie Eilish.

Billie Eilish. Bad Guy. You're the bad guy. You don't know that song? I know that fucking song, Bob. That's a great song. Did you know that the hi-hats in that song is the crosswalk sound from a from a crosswalk in Australia?

Do you remember when we were in Australia and you go to cross the crosswalk thing? That's what the hi-hats are in that song because the brother there what's his name? Phineas and Ferb Phineas He recorded the thing and then he put it in the song and it's just the crosswalk sound. That's pretty fucking smart. That's a fun fact for anybody out there trying to make music.

You don't need, you know, all the fancy sounds. You just go get your own sounds, load them into the sampler, dice them up. Way you go. You could probably make a sound out of those fucking stupid videos you're showing me where people just eat. Loud eating. Oh, man. What the fuck is up with that? Don't even get me started on that ASMR shit.

I will never eat another Reese's peanut butter cup because of that. They made a movie. Reese's tried to make a movie. Reese the movie about people fucking their, oh, listen to that. There's a clockwise motion of the rapper going on a table and people are just jacking to it or something. They're saying they're artists, I guess.

Unbelievable. Well, people like... Maybe I should start doing that. People are jacking to that stuff? I would think so. Like Apple? What do you think they're doing to it of course they're jacking to it they make a lot of money though right some of them do sounds like it's a pretty easy setup

randy's right into it now too no he's not he's listening to that ASMR stuff all the time. You know, he's over there. Was it like a meditation or something? I walked in and he had headphones on and there was a shampoo bottle on the table. So you figure it out. You figure out where that... Isn't it more like to relax or is it just people were jacking to it?

It's supposed to make your fucking head tingle or something. It makes your head tingle if you have the receptors or something. But Randy with the shampoo bottle, I think that was going. And he was recording the sound of it? No, I think he was just listening to the. Recording the sound of what?

The shampoo bottle. Yeah. I think he might have been sitting on the shampoo bottle. Jesus. Okay, and we're back. And we're back. Speaking of Australia, I had something about Australia. Oh, Jesus.

Get your shoulders going, boys. If there was a man in Australia, and guess what happened to him? What? I'm not telling you until you turn this shit off. Get your shoulders going. That happened. You guys are fucking terrible. You don't know me.

I'll do it at the end. You don't know when you hear good music. It's a great song. I'll do it at the end. Anyway, he got fucking arrested for talking on a cell phone while he was riding his horse. Well, you shouldn't be. He didn't have a hands-free device. I mean, fuck, are they going to start making horses with Bluetooth in them now?

Or what the fuck is he supposed to do? That is kind of funny. They already have a horse with Bluetooth, Ricky. You can get a Bluetooth horse. No, I don't mean like a blue tooth. Like a fucking, you know what I mean? I know what you mean. They have horses. There's a Bluetooth. Like a fucking, you know what I mean? I know what you mean. They have horses.

There's a horse. I saw him for sale. And he comes with Bluetooth. There's a horse for sale. He's got a cell phone. You're riding him, right? Yeah. And right on the back of his neck there, there's a cell phone holder.

And you just, you turn his ear like that. And a little screen pops up and you get Bluetooth. Cigarette lighter. That's cool. Cigarette lighter. That's cool. Cigarette lighter. You got all of it, Ricky. GPS right in the back of his head. I could get a horse like that.

I'd probably get one. I'd like to ride a horse around. All right. Why don't we get you a horse, Ricky? That would be cool. Get some saddle bags, get groceries and shit. I'd like to have a horse too. Maybe me and you could have a horse each.

We'd ride to the grocery store together and get groceries. I've always wanted to ride a horse, man. Alright, we're gonna be the fucking horse brothers. Ride my horse to the old town road. We could take him down to old town road. Oh, that'd be awesome. And we just go down and ride till we can't ride no more. That's a good idea.

It's a good song, too. What color horse do you want? I want a white horse. I want a black one, man. I want a white horse. Actually, one of those fucking Palomino, I think they're called. Palomino, that's what I like.

That's what I want. I want a white stallion. Clint would have been on one of those. Palo Amino or maybe just, I don't know. What if we had a few Clydesdales? They're too fancy, man. We could put them to work in the fields, helping the farmers.

What kind of drugs would we do today? I don't know. We're gonna get horny, We could even get a buggy. We could get a buggy. If they had those ones you're talking about, they're powerful. We could get a buggy like the Amish. Stakes coach, man. We could just start becoming Amish. We could dress like the Amish.

Put a stereo on that with Bluetooth. We could get, you know, we could get the wigs with the little rings and the hats and some horses and a buggy. How did we get talking about this? I don't know, but it's fun times. with the little rings and the hats and some horses and a buggy. How did we get talking about this? I don't know, but it's fun times. I'd like to get, I'd like to change it up. Let's change up our looks, Julian. You'd look good as an Amish person.

You would. You're kidding me, man. Get like a really tight Amish vest with no shirt. Why does it have to be tight? You get the ringlets, the ringlet hair hanging down. Fucking Amish shirt. Is that Amish? I don't know.

A hat. Don't they have a hat? They wear like fucking overalls and shit, man. Maybe I'm thinking of Hasidic Jewish people. Fucking boots. No, I'm thinking of the Hasidic Jewish people with the ring. Yeah. The ring hair and the fancy hats

Like Weird Al That was just for that one video That's not what Weird Al looks like All the time, he just looks Weird Have you seen fucking people wearing these goddamn masks around The city? What masks?

Those little fucking blue masks, cause They're afraid of catching some shit. Coronavirus masks? I don't even think there's none of them. We don't have that here yet, do we? Coronavirus? Yeah. No. So why are they wearing the mask around?

I don't know, Ricky. Because they're afraid, man. People are afraid, Rick. It's a fear. There's a lot of fucking people having that, huh? Yes, the old coronavirus is really coming aboard some people. 40,000 to 50,000 or some shit? What?

Yeah. The shittiest fucking people. Imagine being on a fucking cruise ship. Oh, I fucking, I don't know what I'd do. Two kids in a fucking windowless 8x14 room. With the coronavirus floating around. It'd be great times, wouldn't it?

You'd have to have, you know, a towel under your door so it doesn't flutter in. It's more fuckers. It makes you never want to really go on a cruise

ever again. Oh, I'd still go on a cruise. I would just go on one that didn't have the coronavirus. There's plenty of cruises that don't have the coronavirus.

Those are the ones to get. But they're saying probably because they're canteening them, they're spreading the fucking virus faster than if they weren't canteened. Canteened? Yeah, they've got to keep them all on the ship. Quarantine. Quarantine. Quarantine, not canteened, Ricky.

Canteens are like a little... It's not... That's like a place where you buy food. That's where you buy your french fries at the hockey game. It's a french. At the canteen. Yeah, but some words mean more than one thing. That's true. A canteen could also be like the little thing the soldiers drink out of. That's a canteen.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one. Quarantine, that's different. There's only one. There's only one quarantine. There's a quarantine. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one. Quarantine, that's different. There's only one. There's only one quarantine. There's only one. That's a quarantine. No, there's a quarantine West Virginia where the FBI... That's Quantico.

Ah, fuck, I was close. QW still starts with QW. What other words start with QW, Ricky? Queen. There, fuck. I was close. QW. Still starts with QW. What other words start with QW, Ricky? Queen. There you go. Quit. Yes. He's doing whack.

Try to get five, Ricky. That's three. Quilt. Quilt? Quilla. You said QW. Oh, it's Quill. You said Q-W. Oh, it's a Q. Oh, Q-U, I meant.

Jesus, Bubs. What the fuck do you want, man? I meant Q-U. He knew what I meant. Jesus. Q-W, yeah, there's not a lot of those. Yeah, man, I don't know what was going on. Not in English, anyway.

He got five Q-W words. That's good. You're doing good, Ricky. It's the drugs, man. They're making everything clear. Give me five words that start with... Come on. H-S.

That's gotta be a tough one. Husqvarna chainsaws. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good one, man. Now you. Now I've got mine. Husky. Husky. H-S- K-E-Y. Husky.

Husk. Like from a corn. It's kind of the same thing as what you just said, Ben. Kind of. Boys, I'm starting to get a little scared of the drugs that we talk. They seem to be getting better and better. Should we take more? I thought it was CBD, but it's not.

There's a bit of CBD in it, but there's a hell of a lot of THC. Yeah, something's not right with me. You guys have anything you want to talk about? Oh, I finally got onto your fucking shitty internet. I thought you wanted to talk about some stuff today. I did, and I just found something else I want to talk about, because I found it. What is it? You'll see.

Fucking ads. What? Patrick Swayze? Pubs. Pubs. Pubs. Clubs. Ride a horse video. We're doing it.

Why is the horse got a big boner? Let's get to the fucking, let's talk about it. That's what you want to talk about? Why has the horse got a big boner? To the horses. Horse got a great big boner. Are you watching Horse Boner? Let's do this again.

Horse got a big rod on it. What do you look at, horse boners? Whoa. How come horse boner is in your search history? Hey, here we go. This fucking guy. How come your search history has horse boner? It's pretty easy to ride a horse.

That horse got a big boner, too. This is the guy we want to watch. Always have a little weight in your stirrups, and having the stirrups adjusted just right. That also gives your horse a big boner. As you can see, my horse has a big boner. There's toe steering. He sounds like Jack Wayne.

Toe steering or... Toe steering? Toe steering or... Just pull the right rein. Make sure the left rein is real loose. Julian, you're starting to freak me out. All right, it's easy. Right, left.

How do you stop, though? Just one, Ricky. Just get your right shoulder gone, will you? Just get your right shoulder gone. It's kind of addictive. Sally Jane! Sally Jane! This isn't going to be heard, boys. I hope one side of my face isn't drooping, is it? That one's a little...

What does it mean when they have that? It's called something. Bell's palsy? Yes. Remember you had that one time? I never had Bell's palsy. Were you just tricking us? It was just some edibles or something. Fucking weird. Bell's palsy? Yes. Remember you had that one time? I never had Bell's palsy. Were you just tricking us? It was just some edibles or something.

I got some fucking weird jingles, jingles, jingles. Buzz, what are you doing down there, bud? I'm not doing anything. That's just where I am. Why'd you have to rub the crotch when you're not? All right, I'm tired of jingling and jangling. Fuck. Boys, I think maybe we should just shut her down.

You think? We should shut her down. I think it might be time. Really? Well, I mean, I'm getting... I don't know, man. I don't know if it's this music. This is terrible.

It's terrible. What was? This whole thing. What? I think it was terrible. What was terrible? Just this whole experience. Why, man? This whole thing. What? I think it was terrible. What was terrible? Just this whole experience. Why, man?

Heck, I've had a great time. I've had lots of fun, man. I guess I've had lots of fun. I felt like I was on an episode of Mr. Dress-Up or Friendly Giant today. Well, maybe. We should, you know what we should do, boys? We should-

Do more drugs. What? Do more drugs, is that what you're going to say? I was going to say we should track down the friendly giant, but before we do that, maybe we should do more drugs. And then go to that Hatfield Farms. Go find the beans. Go horseback ride, man.

You're really into the horse now. I want to do this. You know we were joking, right, about getting a horse? I think it's because it's the most muscular animal. No, no, no. It's because maybe we could do a western movie or something do this. You know we were joking, right, about getting a horse? I think it's because it's the most muscular animal. No, no, no. It's because maybe we could do a Western movie or something like this. Hitler used to be into muscular horses. Well, I've seen it.

He used to jack the horses. Why does it always come back to jacking and cocks? Because Hitler was into, he was fascinated by the muscles on horses and the fact that they had three-foot cocks. You know he was a weird bastard, right? Oh, yeah. He was Hitler. That's right. Let's just end on that note.

Fuck Hitler. How about that? That's a good mantra for the day. Fuck Hitler.