Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 47 - Happy Great Friday

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Ricky and Bubbles are having a great Good Friday until Randy starts talking about his bum! They discuss why kitty guys are sexy, ass diamonds, and why horoscopes are horsec*cks! Also: The answer to one of life's ultimate questions: how does a dog wear pants?

I don't want to hear about how sore you are, Randy. Jesus. I am. It's one of those things. Yeah, one of those things I don't need to know. Well, you've had hemorrhoids, haven't you? Jesus Christ. Hemorrhoids are like one jesus christ hemorrhoids are like one of those things they need smaller applicators on the h what the are you

did he what is he talking about these are taste got hemorrhoids and he put the applicator in too far or something yeah stuff i don't need to. Hemorrhoids are serious because they're internal. You think they're like little grapes inside your bum bone. But they'll bleed on you, and it's just not sanitary. Why am I hearing about this? I don't care about your bloody, grapey hole. The number one anal problem with men is hemorrhoids. Great! Fantastic! I'm glad I know that now.

Stop talking about it. That's why it's better to dab instead of wipe. It's better not to fucking use toilet paper. Isn't that what causes it? I think you're supposed to use a bidet. What is it? Bidet, mate. What? The hat that you wear?

No. It's like fucking hosing off your ass instead of wiping it with paper. Oh! The thing that shoots water up into your arse.

Warm, beautiful water. Well, some bidets are just right out of the cold valve, and you got no control over it. I don't know if I'd like that. I've never tried one of those things. I'm shocked by that. You had every fucking contraption on the man in there at some point.

Okay, you know what I think? Are we? Oh, fuck. The things are on here, boys. It's April the 15th. Good Friday. So the whole first part of this, we're talking about your haul on the show.

That's great. It's just, well, it's no different than a commercial for something. It's April what? The 15th. Good Friday, baby. Is it? I don't know why they call it Good Friday.

Some people call it Great Friday. Fridays are always good though, aren't they? Because then it's Saturday, the weekend. It's a Jesus thing. They mean Good Friday. Jesus called it that. It wasn't a very good day for him, really. No. But they call it that because

he resurrected resurrected resurrected re-rector What did he do? Resurrected He was in a cave or something I think

And then he wasn't Yeah Something like that There was a big rock that got pushed in In front of it And then they pushed the rock and they found out that he wasn't there. We should have you tell Bible stories to the kids. Because you're so knowledgeable.

I only know a couple Bible stories. There's this one story where this one guy, he had to kill his son or something. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucked up. What was his name, Samson? Achilles? No, Achilles had the big heels. Great big heels on him.

I think his name was... David and Goliath? No, he was... No, they weren't... That wasn't father and son. They weren't mortal enemies. Goliath was a giant. David was a little fella.

I think it was... It wasn't Zeus. No. No, Zeus was a different god. I think it was... It wasn't Zeus. No. No, Zeus was a different god. It was Paul. All together, him and Jesus were... One of the disciples, Paul or something. Peter?

Peter. Yeah, Paul. No, Cain and Abel you're thinking of, aren't you? Oh, yeah, I think you're right. Wasn't he the karate guy, Kane? Eye for an eye. I thought he was. Bible's got interesting stories, though.

Which karate guy was in the Bible? Kane, I think. No, man, that's the fucking Mortal Kombat you're thinking of. Oh, yeah. That's right. Nothing Kombat you're thinking of. Oh, yeah. That's right. Nothing to do with the Bible. No, I don't think there's any karate guys in the Bible that I can think of. There was a couple boxers.

I think karate was invented probably longer before all that started, didn't it? It's pre-Bible. Ninjas. That's one thing I don't understand, Bubz, is all the AD and ACDC. The timeline. I know ACDC because they rock and roll. After death, isn't it?

Or Adon, Tupapu, and ED. But they talking, like, I don't understand it. He's talking in Italian again. When he gets high enough, he turns Italian. I like Italian food. So, Mo asked me a question, and I don't know the answer to it, so I'm going to get your opinion. Okay.

If a dog's going to wear pants, which way would he wear them? Oh, that's a good question. If a dog, a dog question. Is a dog a dog? What kind of dog? I don't think the breed matters, Randy. Let's go with a fucking German Shepherd. I don't know. A fucking poodle.

Who cares? They all got four legs. Well, they'd... I know what German dogs would wear. Liederhusen. The leaders. Those ones with the little straps on them. I think they would wear them like this.

No, they wouldn't stay on them. No, but that's how they would wear them. They might have suspenders to keep them on, but this would insinuate that the dog's upper body are his arms. Right. But he doesn't walk upright. But you've got to are his arms. Right. But he doesn't walk upright. But you gotta cover his bird. Right.

Yeah, so, I mean, his bird's covered either way. Yeah. This way, his ass is covered as well, which might be good. I mean, you still see the shit pipe if they wore them like this, I guess. Which one? Those should look like yoga pants, maybe. If they, dogs will be able to. No, Ricky, just wait.

Ricky's got a very good point. With these ones, the ones I went with, his hole is still clearly visible. Oh! And if you're going to wear pants, one of the things I think you want to conceal with your pants is your butthole. But now the problem with this pair,

how's he going to take them down to shit and piss? That's a... It's a fucking tough one. It's a lot of factors. Can a dog put on and take off his own pants? No. He cannot. He does not have opposable thumbs. But you could probably train him to, especially if there's an elastic. If he had a friend and his friend could use the teeth to pull him down. I don't know. Dogs in pants may not be a good idea. Yeah, but then

you're gonna think they're sex dogs. I've seen dogs with like shoes, boots, shoes. Yeah, some dogs wear shoes. I have boots for my cats. I didn't know that. For the winter. Yeah, she could put boots on cats, little rubber boots. That's a good question that Bo had, though, I think. Oh, speaking of cats, I had something about a cat. Oh, yeah, look at this.

There's a study down at a fucking university in Finland. If you own a cat, it means you're more attractive. Wow. Healthier. And you have more sex. 100%. 100% valid. Apparently there's some single-celled parasite called a texoplasma gondii.

And it makes you more attractive. More symmetrical facial features, you weigh 10% less, and more testosterone. If you, yes, I believe all of that. Can I borrow one of your kitties? No. No. I could use one. I need some of that stuff, I think. You just get it out of the litter box.

Or don't cook your meat all the way through, and you can get it that way, no. I could use one. I need some of that stuff, I think. You just get it out of the litter box. Or don't cook your meat all the way through. You can get it that way, too. I heard that if you suntan your scrotum, it's good for testosterone. No, vitamin D, I think. Well, that's the sun. You don't want to suntan your scrotum. Well, you don't only for like five minutes because you don't want to get a bag burn. Yeah. minutes because you don't want to get a bag burn.

Yeah. Randy, if I see you laying out in your yard with your, like a frozen turkey with your legs out in the air trying to get your- Scrooge them flapping in the wind. No, I would have it so that you couldn't see it. I'd put one of those shields- A sunshade? A sunshade around so that you would just see. No, I would would it wouldn't

be it'd be decent if you sat on a mirror you probably could just tan it sitting upright

you could probably sit right by your window yeah mirror tan stick your

fucking whole package out the window but I could use a kitty though because if I do

need to lose some five pounds or so so five is that your goal that's your magic number five is yeah you don't want to lose too much weight too quick but five pounds too heavy yeah i think so that's what that's what my doctor said yeah yeah all right i didn't know that cats had that power that's pretty cool cool. Cats are magic, darling. Yeah.

This is a fucking lucky story. Listen, this lucky fucking fucker. La Cacadra Edwards, maybe? Yeah. Might have fucked the name up. Anyway, this woman in California, she went to buy a lottery ticket out of a vending machine, and some rude fuckhead hit her shoved her so she stumbled she pressed

the wrong button and she ended up buying a ticket she didn't want to fucking play she wants 10 million dollars nice by accident did she give the wrong ticket she gave some to the guy that hit her no i bet she didn't but no she couldn't she didn't realize till later on that she won but she would have been like, you little fucker, and then she would have been like, oh, thank you. I said it was a $30 fucking scratch ticket. That's a pretty expensive scratch ticket, isn't it? Yeah.

But how did she punch in a number if it was a scratch ticket? It was like, you know, it's like a vending machine that sells different tickets, and she went to get one, and she got shoved and fucking crossed the wrong bed. Yeah, and she was like, you know, it's like a vending machine that sells different tickets. And she went to get one and she got shoved and fucking crossed the room. The one next to it flopped out. Yeah, she was like, son of a fuck! Sometimes.

Does it say that in the news article? No. That she screamed, son of a fuck? Sometimes a lot of, it does hold, make lineups. Like I went to get gas and there's the lineup. And it was. Those people don't give a fuck. They sit there, and they look at the 10 tickets, and they go, one, two, three, oh, and they lose their count.

And they're trying to pick the tickets in the scratch that the guy gives them. Not a vending machine. I hate it when the people go to the fucking cash with their tickets. Hey, can you check my tickets? Check your own fucking tickets at home. Well, they don't trust themselves, Ricky, to do that.

So that's why they ask. There's apps, though. You can just scan the fucking things right at home with your smartphone. Seniors don't know how those work.

I'll give a senior a break. But when you're young, fuck off with your goddamn lottery tickets. The lotto line should probably be like secondary to the gas line. Yes, the lotto line should probably be, like, secondary to the gas

line. Yes, the lotto corporation should pay for their own employee to stand there and deal with lottery tickets. No, just have a different... If you have lots to do with lotto, stand here. Oh, that's a good juice box right there. So, this is a fucked up one, too.

Mike Tyson, he's not allowed to sell ear-shaped cannabis gummies in Colorado with a bite taken out of them. That's a weird fucking cannabis gummy. I want one now. I'm kind of curious. Yeah. Because he bent off, what's his name's ear? Holyfield.

Evander Holyfield. I like that name. Apparently, you can't have any gummies that are shaped like humans, animals, fruit, or anything that kind of would attract kids, I guess. Well, that's good. That's probably a good thing. But a human ear probably wouldn't attract kids, would it? I wouldn't have thought.

When I was a kid, I wouldn't have ate an ear. No, but they have gummy worms. Lips. Gummy ear. No, but they have gummy worms. Lips. Gummy bears. Yeah, lips. And. But here's a fucking nice little number.

We got to get into this business, apparently. Do you know how much Mike Tyson makes a month off cannabis shit? I'm going to say. $653,000 a month. Good for him. Shut up, Randy. What? Should be good for us. No, but he's...

No, you're right. Good for him. I'm impressed. But I'm shocked. Like, that would be a lot of money to make in 10 years, not per month. That's a... That must be selling a lot of fucking years. Six times 10.

600 times 10 is six million. Oh, my God. So another, that's like almost eight million, nine million dollars. 7.2 million dollars, Randy. That's right. Which is probably close to ten Canadian. So then that's good. He could probably give that to his family, I think.

Yeah. And he could give them gummies and get them fucked up. I don't think he has a family, does he? Everyone has family, don't they? No. Well, maybe friends. People die, Randy. Yeah, we should not talk about that

because then you want people to be happy. This was another weird study they did. They surveyed 3,290 people and found that people would prefer to have a threesome with a robot over a human. Robots are good because... Two out of five people prefer... Randy, your fucking nails are shooting off.

Don't you dare clip your fucking fungacy nails in my trailer. They're not fungacy. They're just getting a little hot. Why would you have to do that in my trailer? Well, I saw some clippers there. One of those could have shot into my liquor bottle. Those are my fishing line clippers. Yeah, well, I need a little cut here because I don't want to get a hangnail and hurt my...

I need a fucking manicure at my table. Yeah. Well, who knows what's under those nails? I wash my hands all the time. Nine different types of DNA. DNA? Yeah. Heard of it?

It's the shit that you get in there when you're fucking scratching people up. I don't scratch anybody, Ricky. when you're fucking scratching people up. I don't scratch anybody, Ricky. I bet you there's some of the F word under there. I think I'd like one of those gummies, ear gummies right now. Oh, yeah, me too.

Because that would be fun. I can't think of anything more fucking revolting than you cutting your fucking filthy nails. I don't chew my nails because when you chew them, then you get all any dirt in your mouth. Oh, yeah, and you're very careful about that. Yeah, so that. What goes in your mouth. See, look. Randy, you ever been hit with a plastic bottle? Here, use my glass if you want.

Randy, they're shooting everywhere. I'm filing, bubs. Yeah, but now that makes nail dust. Thought I could inhale. Another fucking pastor got arrested on the Southwest flight for beating his meat. Another one I never heard about. Traverse guy. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't think we talked about it before. This guy says he masturbated numerous times during the three-hour flight. In the bathroom? No. In his seat. In his seat? What?

Beside a female customer. Apparently she was taking pictures because he just had his cock out for the whole trip pretty well. Oh, he's done? Even got a blanket over it or nothing? It was exposed. I'm not sure if there was a blanket involved or not. Did it? I mean, either way, it's fucked. You don't pull your wiener out in a plane.

Did it? When they questioned him, he was like, well, I thought she was cool with it. Oh, yeah, of course. Well, was it a big wiener or was it a little. Did it? When they questioned him, he was like, well, I thought she was cool with it. Oh, yeah, of course. Well, was it a big wiener or was it a little wiener? I didn't see the pictures from Randy. Didn't see? People are fucked.

How would he think anybody, you know, not gonna mind? He said she put her hands up like, hey, whatever you wanna do. She said that was bullshit. Oh, my God.

What a fucking weirdo. Now he's on a no-fly list. That's good times. Well, you got to keep it in your pants. Yeah, I mean, you can go to the bathroom. Give me those fucking nails. Those tags are done. We're done.

I just got to fly. If I see one piece of your body on that table, it's not going to be a good day for you. Oh, Ricky, I'll clean it up. Don't worry. Good Friday. The day that Ricky killed Randy. To me, it's a good Friday.

Put a big rock over the hole. What are the rules of Good Friday? Is there any rules? You're supposed to not eat. Isn't that it? Fast, I think. Well, I mean. What does fast mean?

Like, you get somewhere quick or not eat? Not eat, in that regard, is what they're talking about. It's a different type of fast. So why is it called Palm Sunday, then? Because when he came out of the cave, he went like that. Hey! And he put his palms up to the sun.

Palm Sunday. I think the cross was made out of a palm tree too, wasn't it? No, I don't think so. I don't think they had palm trees in Jerusalem. Palm trees are straight though. I don't think they had palm trees in jerusalem to make crosses out of what was it cedar i think cedar would be too expensive the cedar doesn't rot apparently that's why they make those chests out of them cedar i don't think they were particularly concerned with the you know the quality of the wood no they didn't really need it for that long.

Anyway, cedar would have been a good choice, though. Would have smelled nice. Yeah. Yeah, cedar does have a nice smell. Oh, well, you're hanging there baking in the sun, nailed to it by your fucking wrists. You might as well smell something good, I guess. Not nice applewood.

Yeah. Boys, I don't think it matters what type of wood Jesus' cross was made out of. I got this, the headline of the week. You ready? Yes. This happened in England. Police find 44 diamonds up man's anus during routine traffic stops. 44?

Well, I don't think that's a routine traffic stop. No. They should have left the word routine out of there, I think. He probably went through a red light or something. Yeah, but how did they end up looking up his arse? That's not routine. Yeah, you don't pull some arm and go, holy fuck. Go back to the car, yeah, I think this guy's got diamonds up his ass.

It's a good place to hide things. Like, you know, in jail, you always do that, remember? Keistering. But I don't think that's what they're talking about. License registration, please, sir. You were speeding. And I got a feeling you might have some diamonds up your ass. Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah, I knew it. Lic's have a look. Oh, yeah. I knew it. License registration. Drop your pants. Spread your bumhole. There must have been some sort of... Thanks, Ricky. Those were good.

There must have been something that triggered it. Like, maybe he had some sort of... You don't got to do that. Thank you, Bowles. Yes, he does. Disinf... Oh, see them? Jesus Christ. See it, Bow? That's from he does. Oh, see them? Jesus Christ.

See it, Bow? That's from the stink. No, it's your low-on fluid. That was the stink igniting. Well, that's a good idea, though. Methane. Look, I got them in a nice little pile. There. They're perfect. Disinfected. Yeah, I don't know how you get from a speeding

ticket to getting your ass searched. Maybe he was... But they clearly had a good hunch because he had them up there. Maybe they were tipped off. Or he could have fired and one flew out. Maybe he said, you should check my ass. There's nothing in my ass, officer. That's probably exactly what he did. They said, nothing?

Here's my license and registration and, for the record, I have nothing up my ass. I bet you that's how it happened. That would make them suspicious. Otherwise, I don't know. I mean if he was shuffling in his seat like, oh, fuck. Yeah, maybe. These diamonds, oh, I think they're shifting in my anus.

44 is not a lot really, is it? Depends on how big the diamond is, Ricky. Yeah, I'm sure they weren't like fucking 10 carat or anything. Oh, I'm just saying, if they're little diamonds like that that go on a diamond ring, you know, that wouldn't, 44 of them wouldn't be that much, but if you've got like

the fucking, you know, the old big nug like that, 44 of those. Diamonds are made from what kind of rock under pressure? What is it? Carbon, isn't it? Carbon. I don't know.

Is it... Diamonds are made from coal. Yeah, so if you shoved a diamond up your ass, would it make more diamonds? Because it's tighter up there? You think? I don't think you've got enough pressure on you. You definitely don't.

Hey, now. Ricky, don't you worry about my parts. I'm fine. I think it's coal, isn't it? Compressed coal. So you should have shoved coal up his arse and made diamonds, is what you're saying? No. So did he go to jail, Ricky?

Or did he just get a ticket for diamonds up his arse? He was arrested, yes. Yeah, they were stolen diamonds. He didn't purchase the diamonds and then put them up his arse. No, that would have been fine. There's a moral to the story. You're allowed to put them up his arse. No, that would have been fine. There's a moral to the story. You're allowed to have diamonds up your arse. Right.

100% He could have just been trying to not be a show-off, but moral of the story is don't go stealing diamonds in England because of routine. Or don't get pulled over for speeding, I guess, and fucking no pants on. Right. Exactly. on. Right. Exactly.

Yeah. It would be weird to buy diamonds and just keep them in your ass, wouldn't it? Yeah, because you want to normally show them off because they're so sparkly. Not many people would see them. Yeah. Again, it depends on who. Well, then you could, you know, if you had a poo-poo, then you might lose him, too. That's not smart.

Yeah. This has been an interesting Good Friday, I must say. Have you ever fasted, Randy? I'm a very fast runner, Ricky. I can run. Have you ever not eaten? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How did that go for you? Well, I ate double after I... Well, that's what happens. Yeah. Because I got hungry. How long did you fast for? Between lunch and supper. I waited an extra hour.

I'm going to try not to eat anything except liquor today. Liquor and gummies. Well, that's still... That's not fasting then, Ricky. Oh, fasting's nothing? Nothing. Oh, that's fucking stupid. That's the rule of today. Jesus didn't say I'm going to fast.

I'm just going to have fucking booze and dope. Booze and gummies. Well, he probably, he should have for sure. He could make liquor. Like, he just takes anything. Water and makes liquor. Yeah, that'd be quite a trick to be able to do. Turn water into wine, he could.

Julian would have a lot of... Water into hash. Nice. Imagine if you take any plant and turn it into hash. Hash plant. I guess you could, but I don't know what it would taste like. Cheeseburger tree, I'd make a cheeseburger tree. There was already a movie about that.

A cheeseburger tree? No. Oh. No, it was a machine in the sky that made food. Oh, that was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Didn't see it. Fantastic movie. Oh, Randy, you'd probably fucking beat off to that movie.

Just rain and food all the fucking time. Rain, food? Yep. Well, boys. I don't know who got fucking bored today because I forgot it. Oh, it doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't Happy birthday

Happy birthday if you got born today Happy birthday to anybody that got born today And for all these that didn't get born today Fuck off What? You just told about six billion people to fuck off What is it? Are they Libras or are they Aquariuses?

What's today? I don't know, Randy I don't believe in any of that. The fish one? Pisces? No, man. That's done. It's all done? No, Pisces is done. I don't forget what comes after it. Who cares? You don't believe in that shit.

I read the horoscope just to see what's going to happen. Think how fucking stupid that is. What, you don't like horoscopes? No, think about how dumb that is. So, there's how many different signs? The rooster and the rat. There's what, say, ten? And the boar.

I think ten is a good guess. Rooster, rat, boar. Say there's ten of them. Chicken. Rooster and chicken. Shut up. Do the math here. That's the Chinese calendar you're talking about.

Yeah, that's when you go for egg rolls and it's... Just listen, though. Let's say there's ten different signs. I think there is. There's what, seven billion people on the earth? So that means roughly about 700 million people are of each sign, right? Okay. So then if you read the horoscope and it says,

oh, you're going to have fucking good luck today. You're telling these 700 fucking million people that's all going to happen to them? If you think, if you read it, then you know you're trying to make your day the way of the horoscope. No, that's not how horoscopes work. It's telling the fucking, predicting the future.

It's not a suggestion. No, it's not how horoscopes work. It's telling the fucking, predicting the future. It's not a suggestion. No, it's predicting the future and saying this is what's going to happen to you because you were born on this fucking day. Why is it in the newspaper every day? It's fucking bullshit. It's in the newspaper every day. It's just to give you something to read, I guess. And then farmers wrote their own.

They're just playing the odds, Randy. They're just like, you know what? We'll tell 700 million people that they're going to have good fortune, and, you know, a handful of them will, for sure. Yeah, one of them will say, holy fuck. Holy fuck, it worked. I'll tell all their friends, look, the horoscope fucking nailed her. Well, sometimes the farmer's one says it's going to be a rainy winter or a cold winter.

That's the fucking almanac. What? Oh, my Jesus. Oh, my. Don't. Randy, get your fingers out of your fucking hole. It's a little. Diamonds bothering you?

No diamonds, just that H. Oh, you've got cubic Zinccarbians up your arse. No. The friggin' death thing. Randy, I'm gonna burn you if you keep digging. Now put your fingers out for disinfectant. I think the top of the H squeezy thing is... Do you have a preparation H in your arse right now? The applicator? Yeah, that's what gets her into the hemorrhoids.

You don't leave it in. Do you? No. I didn't think so. Well, that might be why it's sore. Jesus Christ. Do you think? You have the applicator up your hole.

Yeah, I do. Well, you're leaving it in there until you leave. Okay. It's not coming out. Where's your garbage, Ricky? Nope. I've got some nails here. I could just throw these little...

I'm going back to my shed, Ricky, before he fucking pulls that thing out of his hole. The nails are biodegradable, right? You can ask Ricky if you can leave them there. No, I'm going to throw them in the grass. Yes, you are. I'll throw them in the lawn. And where are you putting the applicator? I gotta go back to my trailer and get that fixed.

All right. So everybody, you learned a valuable lesson today. When you have hemorrhoids and you buy Preparation H, don't leave the applicator up your hall. Cause it hurts a bit. Happy Great Friday.