Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 48 - Happy F**king Canada Day!

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

It’s Canada Day and the Boys are right out of ‘er! Jacob joins Ricky, Bubbles, and Julian to snack on donairs and celebrate CANADAMAN’S founding of the Great White North. They also discuss the craziest things they’ve banged, and the danger posed to Sunnyvale by New Hampshire zombie dogs.   Episode 48 is brought to you by the Official Trailer Park Boys Store, and Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky!      

Woo! Doggies! Are we rolling? Yes ma'am. We're rolling already? We're fucking rolling boys. You need to get an air conditioner in this fucking trailer, man. Happy Canada Day.

Happy Canada Day! Today is July 1st. Happy Canada Day, everybody. Woo! Hope you're as fucked as we are. I am fucking ripped. We gotta do an official start to this, boys. We just can't get into doing that.

Why don't you officially start taking a big haul of my nuts? Oh, fuck me. No, I'm gonna... All right, this is the Triller Park Boys podcast. It's coming at you. I think this is episode 48. You don't have a fucking clue what episode it is. 49.

You can take a big hydraulic sock of my nuts. You'd hate that, wouldn't you? Well, if you put a wig on, baby. Get it? It doesn't mean anything if it's on Canada today. That's what they say. Who says that, Ricky? Nobody.

Canada man. Special guest on the podcast today, it's Jacob, the Twiggy Alien Man. Try not to say anything too dumb, Jacob. He's fucking right, he's Jacob, the Twiggy Alien Man. Try not to say anything too dumb, Jacob. He's fucking right, he's special. How you doing, Jacob? You ready to out of her? Good, well, just getting started. Don't drink too many of her beers, bud.

Hopefully I'll catch up. All right. Cool, well, get drunk. Here, Jacob, can you open? Do you know how to open beers? Nope, not a quest off, bud. Jesus Christ. I can do it. Jesus Christ. Don't I can do it.

Jesus Christ. Don't let Jacob do it. Alright, can I borrow your ladder? I want to see what he, if he understands the principle of leverage. We have Jacob trying to open a beer using a lighter. My dad taught me this a long time ago. I'll move it. Holy fuck you did it.

Oh, fuck, right on. Nice work Jacob. Anyone else need their beer open? Fuck off, Jacob. Philadelphia Collins knew what the fuck he was doing when he opened the beer. He did. Known what he was doing, didn't he? I can't look at you guys with that shit on your heads.

Where's your hat? Oh, you fucking party pootis! You want me to put this fucking thing on? Yes. No. Just put it on for a second, do you? Fuck it, fuck it. It's weird shit like that. Look who doesn't like Canada, eh? Oh, I love fucking Canada. Just put it on for a second. Fuck it. It's weird shit like that. Look who doesn't like Canada, eh?

Oh, I love fucking Canada. Just put it on over there. All right, there. Yay, Canada Day. Fucking only country in the world where the world gets a fucking holiday for us. No, it's not, Ricky. What do you mean? Other countries have holidays for their countries.

July 4th, America Day. Yeah, but we don't have that. What's July 4th called? Independence Day? Independence Day, I think, yeah. Just like the movie. It was named after the movie. It must have been.

Buffs, you're drunk. I am. I'm fucking right out of it. And I'm not ashamed to say it because it's the birthday of Canada, the greatest country in the world. Yeah. It's definitely a shame to say it, because it's the birthday of Canada, the greatest country in the world. Yeah, it's definitely one of them.

No, it is the greatest one, Ricky. So we're celebrating here, we got some fucking pizza, look at this thing. Holy shit. Oooh, look at that. And boys, I mean, are all these necessary? That's about 10 pounds of donair right there. We got four Super Canada Day donairs here. That's right. It fucking only happens a couple times a year, so fuck it, we're celebrating.

For people out there that don't know what a donair is, it's a big fucking food pill meat log. Look at the grease that's dripped out of it just from it sitting in the bowl. That's Donair sauce, man. That's grease. It's getting warm. It's fucking awesome.

It's getting right liquidy. For those of you who don't know, here, I'm going to open one up and show you what Donair looks like. There's a lot of fucking grease in these ones. You sure they're not subs? They look like fucking subs.

No, they're not subs. Donair, man. That's overkill. Holy shit, mackerel. Jesus, Murphy. Look at this thing. It was just sopping with sauce. Sauce and grease.

Just the fucking way it was meant to be. We should just save them. Let Randy have like a fucking dough and air eat-off competition. We'll throw money on it. Get everybody in the park fucking betting on it. I guarantee you Randy could eat all four of those in an hour. Let me just show you. I'll open up the donair. Jeez, just show you what's in there. Look at that.

It's a donair. You know what that ring is? Reminds me of your mom. What's that supposed to mean? She kind of looks like that and smells like that. Her whole body or just a certain part of it? Certain parts you might want to stay away from. What are you talking about? Are you referring to my mother's private area? Your mom's got a donair box.

She's got a donair box, buddy. Spicy, drippy, greasy, full of like bits of vegetables and shit that she stores away down there. It's always stuffed full of meat. Bon appetit, bud. That's a terrible thing to say, Julian. Layers and layers of shaved beef. That's just a terrible thing to say. I don't say anything about your mother being the biggest whore in the park. That's real nice.

Well, I mean, that's just a fact. You don't know what my mother's privates looked like, buddy. It's a fact that your mother was the biggest whore in Sunnyvale. Yeah, that's what they say. Everybody knows it. Nobody knows that. Bullshit. I'm gonna get on this pizza action.

Yeah, help yourself. That was kind of the piece I wanted, Jacob. All right, you owe me five bucks, by the way. Five bucks a slice. You're not charging Jacob five bucks. Why not? You can't, because it's Canada Day. It's fucking Canada Day.

Well, what is it? Everything's free on Canada Day? It's when you fucking help other people out and party together. And that's right. He's paying me five bucks, he's gonna help me out. You just eat it, Jacob. I'll deal with him. You're not paying five bucks. You owe me five bucks then, bubs. Whoa. Almost knocked my beer over. Okay, can we get this thing started or...

Yeah, are we gonna... What is Canada Day? I've heard a lot of different reasons. It was the holiday it was Canada Man. It celebrates him, is that right? Canada Man? The superhero., is that right? Canada Man? The superhero. Oh my fuck, Ricky.

Ricky, what the fuck are you talking about? Captain Canuck. Is that who it is? Captain... Jacob, why don't we get Jacob to explain the whole Canada Day thing? Geez. I think we learned this in school. Don't blow a gasket now, Jacob.

Just don't strain yourself, but see what you think. It's Captain Canuck's birthday, isn't it? Oh, Jesus. I thought Canada Man was a superhero over in the English land, and he fucking did something that made them free. So they said, fuck, you know what? There's a bunch of land over there across the water, and you can have it for what you did for us.

So Canada Man came over to what is now Canada and started everything. Canada Man. Canada Man, a superhero. Who told you about a superhero named Canada Man? Let me guess, Ray. Well, he had a few drinks with him, but I remember we celebrated Canada Day

when I was like fucking eight, and he was talking about Canada Man. Ricky, I gotta say, like anything Ray's ever taught you, just try to forget it. It's probably best. Pretty much everything he's ever said, just try to forget it. What is it then, smarty-ass? Canada Day. Where the fuck is Canada Day?

It's when Canada was founded. Right, by fucking Canada man, probably. No. Who was it then? It was founded by, you know, different people. Tommy Cousteau? Tommy Cousteau. I don't know who Tommy Cousteau is.

Christopher Columbus was one of the first guys over here. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Fred Cabot. Fred Cabot. Fred Cabot? Yeah, there's a tower named after him somewhere. Isn't there? The Cabot Trail? Oh.

Or is there... It's in Cape Breton, man. Wasn't there a fucking big Cabot building somewhere? Cabot building? Fuck, boys, I don't know. I hear lots of things. Maybe I heard it wrong. Isn't John A. McDonald's one of the founding dudes?

He's a bridge, I know that. He's not a bridge. The bridge is named after him. What's that? John A. McDonald was a person. The bridge was named after him. The bridge isn't John A. McDonald was a person. The bridge was named after him. The bridge isn't John A. McDonald. It says when you're driving up, John A. McDonald.

That's the name of the bridge. Dash bridge. There's two bridges. Just to tell you, there is his name and Dash, he's a bridge. Okay, there's two bridges. That's the old bridge. It's with John A. McDonald. They named it after him.

What bridge? The McDonald bridge. No, it's the Angus L. McDonald fucking bridge. Oh, it's the Angus L. McDonald. Oh, it's the Angus L. McDonald. Okay. This bridge isn't even named after Sir John A. McDonald. Wow, that was a big fuck-up. What bridge are you talking about?

I don't know. It's the Angus L. McDonald and A. Murray McKay. I was talking about the bridge between your fucking balls and your ass. What's that called? The Johnny McDonald bridge. He was the first guy that ever went down there. Fucking had at it.

Sucking on your chota. Johnny McDonald went down there, did he, Ricky? Not you. No, he didn't. Don't be starting rumors. Rootsing around the taint area. Johnny McDonald never touched my taint with any part of his body.

I can guarantee you. Nor has any man. So you just blow air on it? Nor has any man ever touched my taint. I know somebody that's touched your taint. Who? You when I was sleeping? No, his name is, well it's GF. In jail.

Girlfriend. No. GF? GF. He... Gorilla fingers. Don't... He never touched my taint.

No, he was reaching around down there, rubbing your taint and lifting your ball sack up, fingering your ass. He did everything, man. We all know it. Jim, you know, I'd like you to just cease this... Hey, you know what I mean, Dick?

I'm just telling everybody what they want to hear. It was very traumatic what Gorilla Fingers did to me. I know. Do you want to talk about it? No, I don't want to talk about it. It's called therapy, man. You just let it out, we'll fucking help you out. So I stand corrected. One man did touch my taint. And fingered your ass.

With three fingers. Like huge fingers. Which probably led to something else. Yep. Sucking and who else? Well, I don't know. Fuck knows what else. It's alright, Bubbs. It's Canada Day. You can talk about this stuff. That's right, man. You guys are fucking with me because I'm high. This is... What are this number?

36 delight fuel facts about Canada. Delightful. Not delight fuel. Delight fuel. Delight fuel. Delightful, Ricky. People in Church Hill leave their car doors unlocked in case their neighbors need to make a quick escape from polar bears. What?

From where? Polar bears. Yeah, but where do these people live? Church Hill. Never heard of that place. No, man. Must be up north. There's also a prison for polar bears who break

into people's homes for food. A prison for polar bears? That's what it's saying, man. I had no idea. Frankie, where did you get that information? No cows in Canada are given artificial hormones for milk production. Fucking good for Canada. That's awesome. I know I didn't know that

Is it you say it's not true? I I don't know if that's true I I thought there was lots of hormones in our milk in Canada, but if if the papers say it We're not talking about your mother's tits. We're talking about Huge joke There's lots of hormones in those. She's got to stand corrected. Huge, huge box. Hey, you know what would be a funny joke? How do you make a hormone? Oh. I don't know, but there's a good punchline waiting there.

How do you make what? How do you make a hormone? You eat her box. No. Oh, I get it. A hooker. I get it. Get it?

I wasn't thinking quite so graphic. I was thinking more of a family oriented joke. Spend it over and give it to her, man. It's a great joke, bubs. For one day in 1943, Ottawa designated a hospital room to be... Can you read that for him, Jake? Who am I telling to read? Jesus.

Extra-terrestrial. Ah. And then brackets. International. Ground. So a Dutch princess could be born a full Dutch citizen. What? These are fuck facts.

Who the fuck... Tell me that one again. Read it. I lost you when you had to fucking.... What the fuck? Tell me that one again. Read it. I lost you when you had to fucking... They changed the border? They changed the fucking hospital room to put a border around it so that she could be born Dutch citizen. Oh, so they put a...

So it was like a consulate then, wasn't it? Is that what it was like? No, I think... It's fucking bullshit is what it is. The one room in the hospital they declared that sovereign... That's fucked. I don't agree with that whatsoever. If she can do it, we should all be able to do it.

We should be able to be born to whoever the fuck we want to be born. Well, look, it says something else here. This was a Dutch requirement for her to keep her princess title. Jacob, who gives a fuck? Okay, we're done that one. Just put the paper down. So, yeah, see... That might come in handy for you, Jacob.

We could, you know, get a place here cordoned off for your own planet up there. And, you know, say you were born on Earth. What are you talking about? Oh, nothing. Just got no fucking idea, man. Nothing. Just, you know, nothing. Bubbles and Julian, especially Bubbles, think that you're a fucking alien. Just so you know. Huh?

Yeah. Just do this. Put your finger up and say, E.T. phone home for me. Please, just do it once. Put the finger up. Shut up. Why? Why not?

Jacob, put the fucking finger up. E.T. phone home. Oh, fuck. Now there's a part B. I can't believe you just did that. After I dissed the fuck out of them, I was pissed off. I didn't know this part. Every year after that, the fucking Netherlands sends Canada thousands of tulips to show their gratitude.

Why? They sent us a bunch of tulips? Because they fucking did. They broke every goddamn law in the world to make her a fucking citizen of the Dutch. So we get a bunch of things for doing that it's quite a shitty debt actually especially like we changed the whole fucking border and made a sovereign room in there so that your little princess could be born wherever they needed to be born and all we get is some tubes boys okay that's but it's not that big of

a deal that would have this contract someone assigned it boom it's not that big of a deal. If they would have had this contract, someone would have signed it, boom. It's not as if they put fucking walls... You don't think it's a big deal to take a piece of Canada and go, oh, by the way, this is officially the Netherlands. It's a hospital room. It's not like it's a piece of fucking land or a park or something. It's still a big deal. Let me see you get a fucking, you know, let me see you cordon this off and make a deal with China

that this is going to be China right here. I bet you I could do it. Well imagine me and the stupid fucking tulip guys going, this is fucked. Like for how many years now we've been doing this and every spring they gotta fucking take all their tulips and send them over to us. I mean what's the big deal with the fucking tulips over there? We were there, there was tulips for sale like everywhere. Like who's buying all these tulips?

Dumb. Whoever buys flowers is stupid. What's better than a rose on your piano? Tulips on your organ. I don't get it. Get it, Ricky? Tulips. Tulips on your organ. The organ.

A rose on your piano or a tulips on your organ, but it means tulips on your organ. Oh, like these lips. Yes, on your organ, but it means tulips on your organ. Oh, like these lips. Yes, on your organ. Got it, buddy. He's got a lucky zone. That's funny. Kraft Dinner is a top-selling grocery item in the country. Canadians consume 55% more than Americans do.

What the fuck happened to you, man? I'm ready. What just happened? Wave. Canadians consume 55... Mushroom wave. 55% more than Americans. Did you eat all those mushrooms? I took a bunch of them.

Jesus. Oh my god. Wow. Here, let him read some more. Yes. No, no, no. The quality of their tap water is often better than bottled water. Who? Fuck off.

You go over to Prince Edward Island, the water's shit over there now, man. Really? It's from all the fucking fertilizers and stuff. How can tap water be better than bottled water isn't balled water real water well tap water's got like you know shit in it to help you out like what's in tap water all right chlorine people drink balled water then in Canada if it's shittier than fucking tap water. Let's just say in certain places, man. On average. You still want bottled water.

Yeah, see, they fucking trick you with words. There's trick words, you know, in our language. Like what? Name me some trick words. Often. That could mean often. One in ten. One in a hundred.

Ten in ten. It's a fucking trick word. Well, it's just, that's what the word, it's like sometimes. Like, when is that? Right, it's a trick word. It's not a trick word. It just means sometimes something will happen, sometimes it won't. Ricky, you're freaking me out.

I never really thought of these trick words before. Don't get into it, man. They are kind of tricky, though. They are tricky, but don't fucking get into it. The Canadian mint. Do we know who those guys are? Yes, the green flavor-y fellas. All right.

Well, the flavor-y fellas also created a million-dollar coin that is actually usable. A million-dollar coin. And actually here is not a true word. It means it's real. Here, let me see that. Where's that at? Where's they have these million dollar coins? You want to get one, Julian?

I fucking love to get one, man. It's a good fucking goal for you to have. How big is it, do you think? It would be... I don't know. It's a good question, Jacob. How big is it? That's a very good question. And what's it made out of? It's worth a million bucks? Because that'll determine whether you can... That'll determine whether

you can smuggle it in your anus. It's got to be gold or something. It's gotta be gold or something. It's gonna be something more than gold. It's probably something from the planet Zaltorg that you brought back with you. Some rare mineral. Zaltorg 16.

But I tell you, that's just something you, you always wanna check your fucking change, though. Because one of these days you'll be like, holy fuck. Ricky, I don't think anybody's going to misplace the fucking thing. They might. If he had one, he would. What if it looked like a 25 cent coin and you just said, fuck. Ricky, I'm pretty sure whoever owns it is going to have it in a special case.

This dinosaur here got a special quarter that glows in the dark. What? Yeah. Well, that's not the million dollar coin? No, that's just a shitty old fucking quarter. Remember that time you tried to bang the toaster and your bird was glowing in the dark? Pups, why would you talk about that right now? It's all right.

You were 12, man. It doesn't matter. Funny story. Banging all kinds of things. The toaster, though, that was kind of fucked. There was actually a sandwich in the toaster that I was attempting to figure out how it felt. A meat sandwich? It was tuna.

A toasted tuna sandwich. He was trying to bang it in the slot. So, was he up on top of the counter? Yes, I walked in and he was laying right up on the counter. And he tried to tell me he tripped. I said, what are you doing? And you were like, oh, I was walking across the kitchen. I tripped and all my clothes fell off.

That's what he tried to tell me. When I'm really drunk, it's bad to be horny and hungry at the same time. Ricky, you were only 12, though. Like, how drunk could you have been? I fucking had almost a pint in me. Bare-ass naked he was Banging the toaster. He didn't even realize he could have electrocuted himself through...

I wasn't banging it, I just was curious to how the fuck it would feel. A little bit of heat? You were banging it. Come on, you just don't stick your fucking dick in a sandwich that's in a toaster, man. For no reason. You were definitely banging it. Here's one, Jacob, what's the craziest thing you've ever banged? This should be interesting. I once touched a nine volt battery to my bird.

A nine volt battery? What happened? Nothing. It felt kind of fuzzy. Oh, really? Yeah, you know, like when you stick it to your tongue? Let's do it. It was...

You freaking... Don't you have that feeling? I don't think I've ever done it. So you took it, like, in, what, in it a bit? Inside the piss hole? Oh no no, I wet down the bird to get some current and then touched it to the side to try to like get some sensation. The shaft. Yeah, yeah. Why were you doing that?

So you put in effort to go wet down your wiener and touch a 9 volt battery to your shaft. It's sensation. Sensation. Sensation? No, that's fucked. What, did you see that on TV or something, or did you just... That fucked. Well, I felt this, like, how it felt on my tongue. Ooh, that feels great. God, I wonder what that feels like on my wiener.

So did you have it, like, positioned in your hand so it was, like, touching it and you were jacking at the same time? Or did you just want... in your hand so it was like touching it and you were jacking at the same time? Or you were just touching it? I just held it to it. Yeah, it wasn't very enjoyable. You're very interesting in this, you. I was just completely fucked that he would do something like that.

I've never heard of it before in my life, man. I'm not sure I said anything. Very interesting. That's a weird coincidence. What's that? Nine volt battery. Alright, go for it Jacob. You never stuck one to your tongue?

I didn't. I did it once and it wasn't for me. Oh, I've stuck these to my tongue. This isn't the one that was on your bird, I hope. I don't think so, it was a while ago. Just in case. Yeah, I guess we did clean it then. Jesus, there's a little... Garrett's spark. Here Ricky, jammer a little carrot spark.

Here, Ricky. Jammer on there, bud. I don't think I can do it. Here, just wait. I'm gonna try this wiener trick. I'm gonna try the wiener trick. You gotta wet your wiener a bit first. Do you want to wet his wiener for him?

Ricky, don't pour beer on my wieners. They're supposed to be wet. Here, let me just... What did you call it, a weenus? Here, let's just get this on the side of my bird hair. Are you kidding me? Ah! Ah!

I'd do that again so I wouldn't fucking look at you in the face. Julian, how'd that taste? Fucking asshole. How'd that taste, Julian? Yeah, real funny. That is a good trick, Jacob. Fucking asshole.

Oh, wiener battery. What's the weirdest thing you ever bagged, Julian? Your mom. Oh, man, that was fucking not cool. Yeah, you were totally setting me up for that one. Old donair cooch. Yep, she did have a donair cooch. I caught Corey bagging a bucket of chicken once.

That was pretty fucked. A bucket of chicken. I was there, Ricky. I remember that. The extra crispy shit, too. That must have fucking hurt. He was all scraped up. Well was there, Ricky. I remember that. The extra crispy shit, too. That must have fucking hurt. He was all scraped up. Well, it is crispy.

He said Trevor Jared, but I think he was just doing it for the fuck of it. You know, I heard chicken's supposed to be realistic, but I don't know if fried chicken is. Realistic? What do you mean? I heard if you put chicken in a bottle and microwave it, and then put your bird in there, it feels like the real thing. What?

You put chicken in what? I think chicken breasts in some sort of vessel, so they're contained. A vessel? Like a bottle. Okay. And then I guess you want to heat them up as well. I've never tried it, but I heard about it.

It was a long time ago. You're going to tell me he's not a fucking animal? I've got to fucking try that. So does everybody on your planet do this? Do they fuck a ball of chicken that's... No, I don't... Jesus Christ. What am I saying?

If you rolled a chicken breast, if you had a big enough one, you rolled it around in a tubular shape. Well, he's basically just describing a military pocket pussy. Field pussy, I call it. And then you could eat it. You Google it. You Google military field pussy and you see how you build one. It's not chicken breast though. No, but you could add chicken breast to it. You know, as a side plate.

You know how it says on the menu, add chicken, two dollars. So did you ever use a pocky pussy out in the field? You were in Afghanistan, right? I never used one over there. Bullshit. I saw them over there. When you were telling us about it, you were in great detail. I watched a guy demonstrate

how to make one. And you used it. I did not use it. Just use your bare hand? Yep. I don't talk about that stuff. Jacob, you probably know about this, and maybe Bubbs does too, because he wanted to be an astronaut. A part of the country of Canada actually has less gravity than the rest of Earth. Yeah, Jacob knows that.

It's called the landing strip for him. I like landing strips. What do you mean? Landing strip. Why do you like landing strips? You know, it's not a name for something else. Why? It's where planes land.

It's where you land on a lady. Oh, he means when she's got the... off the little landing strip. Yeah, just a little something, something. Instead she's got the... Off the little... Yeah, just a little something, something. Instead of, you know... I've never seen one. I'm starting to get fucking sober, boys. This is lame.

Yeah, maybe it's... How come you didn't read any of your shit? What shit? I'm too fucking drunk, Ricky. Here, Julian. I can uh... How come you didn't read any of your shit? What shit? I'm too fucking drunk, Ricky. Here, Julian. I can't get this fucking Donair shit away from me, man. It's gonna make me sick. It is fucked.

You know, we should fuck over these Donairs and then give them to Randy. Say, it's happy Canada Day. Here you go, bud. We should cram one into his heater. Into his electric heater. Not tell him. Okay, cram one into his heater. Into his electric heater. Not tell him. Okay, we've got four of them. We can put one in the heater. We should do something to one of them. Oh fuck! Jesus!

Like we should put turds or something in it maybe. Heat it up. Mash it up a little bit. Feed it to him? Kung Fu Master stuffs sawdust into his mouth and sets alight in bizarre street magic trick. Where did you get this? I have no idea. It was on the table. Well, who gives a fuck? What is this stuff?

Yeah, let's see what else we got there, man. Put fucking something in his mouth and lit it on fire. I mean, Ricky does that every weekend. Yeah, that's fucked. So I've been looking for cool shit on the internet here? This is crazy. Remember, Ricky, remember the time you shot the great big firework out of your mouth? You know the big one that goes up, you know, six, seven hundred feet and blows apart? Ricky blasted it right out of his mouth.

It was fucked. He was all burned, all over here. Yeah, they don't fucking warn you about that when they saw him to you, do they? Well, they say you gotta put him in the fucking ground, man, with sand and shit. Ricky, if somebody hands you a fucking ignitable, launchable, rocketable that big, they assume that you're not gonna hold it with your mouth. But it shouldn't matter. It's supposed to come out one end, not have all this fucking other shit down at the bottom with burn and black. It sucked. They're fireworks, man.

You've got to go up, Ricky. You've got to light the bottom. There's a general rule. Don't put the big ones in your mouth. The little ones... Oh, there's a general rule for you, eh, Julian? Don't put the big ones in your mouth. You just like the small ones in there. Oh, fuck. I get it now.

Trick words, Ricky, trick words. Here, here's a good one for you. What? Mass of fart gets soccer player kicked out of game. No way. That can't be real. You'd never be able to play soccer. Why would you be kicked out all the time?

Oh, listen who's talking. Yeah, man. Fucking Gary Belchford. The story you hear about a zombie dog in New Hampshire. A zombie dog. No such fucking thing as zombie dogs. There's a picture of it. Oh, so it must be real.

Must be real if there's a picture of it. Never heard anything like Photoshop. Yeah, it looks pretty fucked. It's most likely a zombie coyote. Zombie coyote. Boys, there's no zombie anythings. Oh, fucking head pops, so there's gonna be a bunch of zombies. That's cool.

Hopefully they take over down there. You would like the zombie dogs to take over, would you? Be a good story. They're not too far away from here, man. Oh, fuck. Okay. If zombie dogs took over New Hampshire, they'd fucking have control of us in about four days. I can guarantee you, if you figure in the average speed of a zombie dog. Yeah, they'd fuck you up.

All they got to do is bite into you and then fuck. You're a zombie. Then you're a zombie. Can I have the last beer here, guys? You say bite you or fuck you? Ketchup. Bite you. Yeah, go ahead, Jacob. I guess.

Did you taste the last one? You dirty. You guys are slowing down. 20 bucks for the beer, 10 bucks for the beer, and 5 bucks for the pizza. All right. Take it off. I will, I will. Do you want to buy a doner?

For later. All right. want to buy a doner? For later. All right, five bucks for the doner. Oh, nice. Good deal. Thirty bucks, bud. All right, what else were we talking about? Is that it, boys?

I want to start partying, like, big time. You should, because you've been fucking lean. Well, because I'm sitting here, like, I got doners in front of my face and shit. I just want to start drinking hard. Get out of here. Well, I'm up for it if you guys are. What are we up for, guys? We're just going to get shit-faced.

Jacob, you're not invited. No offense. Here's something fucked. An Ontario man invented Hawaiian pizza. Who would have thought? Well, it's not that fucking amazing, Ricky. I thought it was from Hawaii, at least. No, it's Hawaiian. Hawaiian means it's, you know. Well, I thought it was from Hawaii at least. No, it's Hawaiian, means it's, you know...

There's pineapple on it. Do they even eat fucking Hawaiian pizza in Hawaii? Or is it just a fucking sham? I'd say they eat Hawaiian pizza in Hawaii. It's probably just called pizza. What the fuck? It's probably just called pizza, exactly. Fuck, seriously?

Just like, you know, I bet you never thought of this, Ricky. You know what they call Chinese food in China? Chinese food? No, they just call it food. Lunch. What? They don't need to say Chinese food because they're from there, so they just call it food. Let's go get some food.

So when they come over here, they go, let's get some Canadian food. That's right. So if there was a burger joint in China, it would be called Canadian Food Restaurant. Perhaps, yeah, maybe. Could be. I think this fucking guy in Ontario gave that name away to another country. He should have kept the Canadian name. Like what?

Canadian Ham and Pineapple. Or, uh... Aw. They had, like, the Canadian pizza. Or, uh, Or, uh... Aw. They have, like, the Canadian pizza. Or a fucking, uh... jungle. The what? Canadian jungle pizza.

I guess because you can't grow pineapples or ham here. Why is it jungle? Where's their jungle in Canada? Well, if jungles have pigs and fucking pineapples. Pigs? They have maybe wild boars and shit. They don't got, like, fucking pigs, man. Same fucking animal, bud. They got monkeys wild boars and shit. They don't got like fucking pigs, man. Same fucking animal, bud.

They got monkeys and shit in the jungle. Huh? Pineapples don't generally grow in the jungle, Ricky. Where do they grow then? Fucking on the sand? No, they grow out of the ground. Like a fucking cucumber. Yes. Like a cucumber.

Yes, like a cucumber. Yes, like a cucumber. No they don't. They fucking grow on trees. I've seen them. You're thinking about a coconut. Same tree though. No? Isn't...

Yeah, that's super tree. You know what? Maybe I fucking got that wrong. No, no, that's super tree, Rick. It grows pineapples, coconuts, and apples and oranges. One seed you plant and you get her off. Why fuck that up? Jesus, that'd be a good idea.

I've been fucking that up for a lot of years. I think a pineapple plant just grows one pineapple out of the middle of these bunch of spikes. It does. One pineapple. It's like it's, you know. Well, look at the big brain on fucking Jacob, huh? But I'm sure I've seen pineapple wood.

Ask Jeeves. Pineapple wood? No. Oh, yeah, Ricky. Everybody, that's the new fad for the floors. Pineapple wood. It's good for smoking. Smoke your meats.

I smell some weed or something. Someone's outside smoking. Well, let's go out. Let's get all ripped up. All right, let's do it. I can smell you, Harry. Happy Canada Day. Canada Day.

Fuck off. Who was I sponsored today? Oh, it was the... Who else? Donair. The merch company. He's Coast Donairs. No, look, I think they can take the one from I said before,

so watch here, I'll say it. Paper towel. Watch this. Okay, do it. Today's podcast is brought to you by Liquorman's Old Dirty Canadian Whiskey and the TBB Merch Store. Find it at

Now you'll just put it in and it'll be seamless. Awesome. You won't even know. Buy some shit, drink some booze, get high. It's Canada Day. I'm going. Bye-bye, guys. Where you going, man?

Going to get drunk and high. With who? Myself. If you guys want to join me, come on out. You got any booze? Ricky, look, a big van just pulled in. It's full of firefighters. Fuck off, boss.

I heard you. Big van full of firefighters and speedos just pulled in. Julian, tuck right off. I get it.