Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 48 - Leap Year Chicken & Liquor Party

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Keep your head on a swivel - it's a leap year and Bubbles is worried things are about to get f**ky! Ricky prepares to wrestle an alligator, Julian researches the pterodactyl, and Bubbles grooves to the WKRP in Cincinnati theme tune. Also: Snake orgies, frozen birds, and Holly Valentine!

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Do you have to have it that fucking loud, Julian? This fucking sound system's awesome, man. Hey, man, you gotta use the buttons. This is fucking awesome. You're gonna blow the fucking speakers right out of it. No, I'm not. Boom! Put it on pause!

I finished the game. Just calm the fuck down, buds. Tell us when you're ready, man. Ready? I've been ready for fucking half an hour. What? I'm ready. Fuck's sakes.

I'm ready. Let's do this quick, because we're going to get back to Frogger, man. Does that drive you nuts, Bubs? Huh? Yes! I'm doing really shitty here, man. You know, it'll be funny if I throw a brick through the fucking TV.

I'm just fucking with you, Bugs. Jesus. What? Throw a brick through it, you own it. That's a bug. $2,000 TV. Ricky. How's it going, man?

It's great. I'm great. A little crusty, huh? Had a couple snaps. Have a few more snaps, man. You're being addictive. What are you, all coked up? No man, I'm just happy.

This is like, it's Friday. Listen. I need it this Friday. I wouldn't be too fucking happy because it's February 28th and we gotta just get through this fucking day. What do you mean get through it? It's a good day. It's a dangerous day. A lot of crazy shit happens on this day.

Like partying? Let's do it. No, Ricky. There's a lot of bad stuff. I was researching February 28th because I was interested in leap years. A lot of very bad things have happened. So why talk about it? We're trying to have a good night.

Well, just so you're not extra careless. So get everybody down. Well, okay. Go for it. Keep your head on a swivel. So you know you're surrounded. I'll try to find happy things to talk about. The fucking last day of February. It's not, though.

Yeah, February 28th. But tomorrow, this is a leap year, Ricky. So there's a February 29th tomorrow. What are you talking about? Oh, Jesus. Do I even want to get into this? There's 28 fucking days in February. I've known that my whole life.

Exactly, except every four years, basically every four years, they do have the Olympics, but every four years there's a leap year. February 29th happens. It's not... There's an algorithm that determines what year is a leap year, but anyway,

this is a leap year. Also called a bi-sextile year. Bi-sex? Bi-sex year? Bi-sextile. I don't know what that means, but that's what it said on the Wikipedia. All right, that's great. That's great, Bucks. So there's an extra day tomorrow, Rick.

Why would they pick this year? It just, it's the way it works out. Why do you always start with a leap year with that man? He has no fucking idea. And he never will. There can't be one every four, like what if he got born at 29? Well, I'm out of this conversation, man. You don't age as fast as everybody else?

No, Ricky, we went through this a hundred times. It just, if you're born on February 29th, you don't have a birthday every year on that day. It moves either to March 1st or the 28th. But why, bubs? You weren't born on those days. I know, but that day doesn't mean- So if you're four, you actually only weren't.

No, you- Why is that, bud? Like, yeah, you're four. It'd suck when you're a kid, but it'd be cool when you're older. No, Ricky, you're still aging at the same rate as everybody. You're still on the earth. Are you, though?

Yes, you are. Oh, boy. All right, so it's not the last day of February, so there goes that. But there's an extra day of partying. We could have a leap day party. I like that idea. Let's have a leap year party. It's on a what day?

Saturday. It's Saturday tomorrow. So March 1st, you can fuck off for an extra day this year. We're going to have an extra party day. Oh, fuck. That means spring's going to be a day late. No, it doesn't. It's fucking, it's cold out, man.

It's tricky. It's not going to change the fucking temperature or the weather or anything, man. No. It stays the same. It'll just get warmer actually weather or anything, man. No. It stays the same. It'll just get... Warm or actually a day earlier, Ricky. Fuck knows. It'll be a day earlier.

But spring itself, which I think is March... 20 or 21? The temperature's still gonna get... The temperature doesn't give a fuck what day it is, Ricky. Well, it must. Should I tell him that there's actually leap seconds added to the fucking atomic clock? No. You have to promise me that you'll never mention leap years like in front of him ever again. What's an atomic second?

It's fucked. There's an atomic clock that governs the whole... Why do they call it atomic? It doesn't have to do with bombs, missiles. See? No, Ricky. You're being stupid right now. Okay. Let's just...

Just be aware that bad things... Welcome to the Paracraft of Derek. It is not fucking February 28th. It's actually February 27th. No, Ricky. It's the 20-fucking-8th. Jesus, Murphy. Tomorrow's the 29th. Well, it's supposed to be the 28th, but no.

For some reason this year, they're like, no, no, we're gonna change things up. No. It's the 28th, everybody. Welcome to Park After Dark. I'm your host, Bubba Lazy. Bubba Lazy. Bubba Lazy. Where are you from, Bubba Lazy. Bubba Lazy. Bubba Lazy.

Where are you from, Bubba Lazy? I'm from Milan, Italy. Then are you lazy? It's not Bubba's lazy, Ricky. Bob's just really fucking up to his man. Well, I'm baked. Well, so are we. You know how I want to fight an alligator? This thing's teaching me some little secret tricks.

And I am going to fucking fight one. You're not fighting an alligator, Ricky. I can now, because now I know how to do it even better. As opposed to before, where you knew absolutely nothing. Well, you know what? I do have a bit of respect for him, because he's not afraid to fight a fucking alligator. Fuck afraid.

He's tried to, and it didn't happen. but he went out there and tried to do it. Ricky, what's the tip? If you are on land, you get on the alligator's back and put downward pressure on its neck. We already knew that. This will force its head and jaws down. Cover the alligator's eyes. This will usually make it more sedate. Yeah, sedate.

Go for the eyes and nose. If you are attacked, use any weapon you have or your fist. No shit. We know all this shit. I don't need any weapons. It's gonna be fucking bare fucking hands. You're gonna punch an alligator. Right in the fucking eye. Can's going to be fucking bare fucking hands. You're going to punch an alligator. Right in the fucking eye.

Can you choke one out? Can you choke out an alligator? Let's find out. Because if you're going to get on his back to keep him down, you think you're going to choke him? Put him in the sleeper. Oh, here you go. If its jaws are closed on something you want to remove,

such as your arm or your leg, you tap or punch it on the snout. Yeah, oh yeah. He's not just gonna be fucking sniggled onto it, he's gonna snap it right off, you know? Actually, you know what, there's no animal on the fucking planet that likes getting hit in the nose. If the alligator gets you in its jaws,

you must prevent it from shaking you or from rolling over. Oh, if it's got you in the death roll, you're done. Because it could cause tissue damage. That would rip your arm off, man. Tissue damage, I think, is a nice way of saying rip your fucking arm right off. Try to keep the mouth clamp shut so the alligator does not begin shaking. If you can get your hand on his mouth, he can't open his mouth. His muscles to open are barely enough to open the fucking thing.

This is important, too. But his clamper muscles? Holy fuck. This could save your life. Seek medical attention immediately, even for a small cut or bruise. You need to read that out of a book. Alligators have a large number of pathogens in their mouths. Yeah, okay. Filthy fucking creatures. Danger zone is within 15 feet. That's how quick they are

guys. Oh they're fast. I think you're safe. Ricky, who thought I was safe around alligator? I don't go near alligators. You do at the zoo. But they're in a fucking cage, aren't they? Did you know they can jump 15 feet in the air? They can't jump 15 feet in the air, man. Alligators can't jump 15 feet. There's no fucking way. Their legs are fucking six inches long.

What the fuck was that then? They can do that? A kangaroo? Kangaroos can't even jump 15 feet straight up. You know how high that is? Maybe a kangaroo. Maybe they can. Okay. Oh, suppose you're walking along and you drop something and then you forget about it.

And then you turn back and go, fuck, I dropped my phone. And you turn around and there's an alligator right by. This is how you retrieve some shit. You gotta determine the size of the alligator. Calculate the distance. Get out your measuring tape. Tell him to hold it with his teeth while you fucking get her back by his tail. Make a loud noise.

They don't like loud noises, see? No. Fuck you! When I go up the fucking first quad, I'm gonna go... And then it's gonna be fucking... And then I'm gonna get go. And then it's going to be fucking. Then I'm going to get right on back and start fucking, you know,

kunking around his neck. Kunking around his neck. What animal are you talking about? An alligator? Yeah. Fuck them. He's going to yell at it. Yeah, that's going to fucking scare them.

Going to scare it into submission. Six feet. Oh, fuck. See, I have 15 feet. They can fucking jump like 20 feet, five feet, though. yeah that's gonna fucking scare them gonna scare it into submission six feet oh fuck see I fifteen feet they can fucking jump like twenty feet five feet though yeah

when they're when they're boinging along they can boing fucking far that way but straight up how do I escape

from a charge of rhino that would suck tricky what do you do climb a tree. What if there's no trees? Stand aground and shout. No.

Yeah. Good luck. Fuck away. No way. Good luck. I saw how that went in Jumanji. Yeah. Didn't work so well.

If you do that, you're fucked. Listen to this, boys. Okay, so today's a bad day. Yes. Do you want to know why? No. Just, this is just a light smattering of things that have happened on this day. All right, smatter me away.

Okay. Okay, the February 28 incident, do you know what that is? It happened in Taiwan, 1947. No, it was a different incident. There was a civil unrest. Guess how many people got killed? 147. 30,000! No way 147. 30,000.

No way, man. 30,000. There was civil unrest. The government stepped in, wiped out 30,000 people. Okay. Sheer guns? I don't know, but that's a big fuck-up. It's like half of Canada gone.

That's a big day. How did they do it? 1958, a Kentucky school bus went down over a bank. 26 children. I mean, I don't want to hear that. Well, this is why I'm telling you. And there's a fucking list. There's about a thousand things that happened on the London train.

1975, didn't stop at the station, plowed into the fucking wall. 43 people. I bet there was alcohol involved. Big time. There was no alcohol involved. What do you know? Earthquake, Iran, 3,000 people. Gone.

What's your name today? Eddie Downer? No, I'm just telling you. This is why I want to be extra careful. Death, yeah. And I mean, that's just a light sampling. There's about 1,000 more. Okay, keep going.

Get a little buzz. You know, you want to tell us all the ones I wrote down. You'll find me another day where 30,000 people were just... I mean, not scared. One day? Was Hirosaki? Was that on February 28th? No, Ricky Hiroshima.

Hirosaki. What is that? It's not... That's a type of wine. Hirosaki. I like sake. Sake's good, man. You've never had fucking sake in your life. Yeah, socky's good, man. You've never had fucking socky in your life.

Yeah, I have, man. What's it taste like? Licker, like strong. Does not. What does it taste like then? Tastes like hot mustard. Just like your mother. Hot mustard.

Get it? Get it? Mustard-y old thing. Okay. I was not nice, man. Is mustard made from yeast? It's made from mustard seeds. I believe.

Your mother must grow in there, does she? Yep, because it smells really bad. And they rub flies. Okay, I was just trying to make a light joke. Well, you really hit it hard. Didn't want to get into it. Well, you guys are the ones

that started talking about the interior. Do you got anything else to talk about besides some fucking kids dying in rivers? Yes. Listen to this.

This is fucking, I want to see this. They found a bird in Siberia, a frozen bird, 46,000 years old. Fuck off. I didn't know birds could live that long. 46,000 is fucking, that's old. It's not alive, Ricky. It's frozen.

Well, how did he get frozen? He died 46,000 years ago and he just froze into the ice and now he's like fully intact feathers and everything 46,000 years old

you know what if it was the scorpion he's not 46,000 years old then he was probably fucking 7 or 8 and then he just well his body his body's 46,000 years old

why didn't they say that it's confusing because people like me think the bird's fucking 46,000 years he's Why didn't they say that? It's confusing. Because it's not. Because people like me think the bird's fucking 46,000 years. He's that old. No one would ever think a bird could live 46,000 years, man. One person would.

One. Yeah. You're the only one. What if you were a kid? A kid might think that. If he was... Can you come back? Can you imagine if he was alive and he was 46,000?

I was going to say scorpions. You could do that. Like, heat them up, back to life. What? Yeah, man. Freeze a scorpion. You can't heat up a scorpion. Yes, you can.

Freeze one, heat it up. It's good. Heat it up how? With a microwave? It's a frog. Just let them thaw out, man. And then all of a sudden they start moving. That's a frog, man.

You freeze frogs and they come back to life. Scorpions are the same thing. No, scorpions and frogs are two different things. Remember when I was a little guy and I wanted to change my name to Frogman Jackson? Frog doesn't have a stinger on its back. You guys remember that? What? Remember I was a little guy and I wanted to change my name to Frogman Jackson?

Yeah. That was fucked. I forgot about that. You would have been beat up, man. I wonder why that was. That's weird. That was weird. So what if the bird came back to life and he could tell us what it was like then?

Well, if he came back to life and could speak English, that would be quite a story. Quite a story. Hey, what's going on? Jesus, is everything ever modern? That's what he'd say. He'd be fucking freaked out, wouldn't he? Well, I've never seen a car before. What the fuck is all this shit?

Fuck, when I died, it was just snow around here. You'd have to watch him for shotguns. He would have been a lot happier back at 26,000 years old. 46,000. There was not many fucking things to get hurt with back then. Ricky, what are you talking about? 46,000 years ago, there was all kinds of things

to get hurt with. Sounds like the most dangerous thing to him was winter. Well, maybe. You don't know how he got killed either, though. He might have got killed by a caveman. What the fuck is going on here? All right. You and your fucking smart box. They put this guy that froze the scorpion.

He's going to bring him back to life. How do you know it's real? I don't know why he's... In the microwave. I don't know why he's fucking with the microwave. You wouldn't think that would help him, right, Annie? Well, they do milk shit. This guy's fucked.

I can't listen to this guy. He's got no pants on, Jim. Eight minutes? What did you search? He's naked from the waist down. How do I get out of this? Where's he putting the scorpion now? I was done.

Done. Jesus, he was putting it up his hoop. All right, what's going on? More death? You done with death? Or are we done? Yeah, I was just, we were talking about that bird. What's the good about it?

Well, it's just the oldest bird they have now, Ricky. What about a pterodactylus? Pterodactylus. I can't deal with a pterodactyl. I can't deal with a pterodactyl. I can't deal with a pterodactyl. I can't deal with a pterodactyl. That's from Fred Flintstone, Ricky.

I mean, they really did exist, pterodactyls. I mean, they really did exist, pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Imagine if there was pterodactyls around. Imagine if there was pterodactyls. Yeah. Man. Imagine if there was pterodactyls around. The cocksucker's wingspans were like 50 feet or something crazy. 50? They were big, man.

Maybe not that big. What was the wingspan of a pterodactyl, please? I need to know. I think there was some that were 20 feet. There was some big. You might be right with the 50, man. They were some big cocksuckers, Ricky. That's big.

That's bigger than an aircraft. Well, no, not bigger than an aircraft. They couldn't have been the size of a fucking Airbus 319, I suppose. Wouldn't have been one of those fucking coming at you, would you? Not if it had teeth. Were they meat eaters? They were, I don't know. They were flying around, eating something.

Planes, probably, to that big. Could a pterodactyl carry a human? That's what people want to know, man. Holy fuck! These things could lift a maximum of 500 pounds or more. That's a lot. So they could lift your mother. Barely. Barely.

Barely. So carrying a human would have been like no problem. What was their wingspan? I'm getting to it, man. Slowly. Fuck off. What else you got on that paper, Ricky? Oh, this was a weird one.

They had to close a park in Lakeland, Florida because it was a bunch of snakes having an orgy. I didn't know snakes had orgies. I didn't either. It might be fun to be a snake. Snake orgies. And I guess they were... What do they call it when they have poison in them?

Poisonous? Yeah. I think there is another word for it, but I forgot it. Venomous? Yes. The V word. V word. So they were ven- were they biting and fucking? They weren't biting each other, were they?

If you tried to interrupt the orgy, they'd fucking come at ya. Like, fuck, can you give us some time here? Tryin' to have a little snake orgy, for fuck's sakes. Hmph. That's how Ricky thinks snakes would talk. He's fucked. Trying to have a fucking snake orgy. Wouldn't they just call it an orgy, though? They wouldn't call it a snake, or we don't call it a people orgy.

Yeah, that's a good point. They would just call it an orgy. Maybe they have a different word for it. That's like, I don't think Chinese people call their food Chinese food. Why would they? They just call it food. That's right, bubs. So if we have food over there, do they call it Canadian food? I would think so.

Yeah, I think they do, man. Let's order Canadian today. What is Canadian? Donairs? Donairs, maple syrup. Burgers, fries. Blueberries? Burgers and fries weren't invented in Canada. Did you hear about this model blogger?

She's one of those blogger people that make money doing it, I guess. Holly Valentine. Bloggers? Blogger, blogger, whatever. Holly Valentine, she says she's too hot for Tinder. She got shut off because she was too hot. Jesus, Murphy. That's a pretty cocky thing to say.

Actually, I think that's why I got booted off, too. Who said they were too hot for Tinder? This Holly Valentine girl. She said she got... Holly Valentine. She was only on it for a couple hours and they shut her down. Just a sec, Bob. I've got to check her out. This account can't be real. Holly what?

Too hot. Holly Valentine. Yeah, man. Did you find out the wingspan of a pterodactyl? Yeah, I'm looking at Holly first. It was her birthday two weeks ago. Holly Valentine? Fuck pterodactyls, man.

She, yeah. Is she too hot for Tinder? I believe her. Would you swipe left or right or up or down or whatever it is? Jesus, man. I mean... Oh, yeah. What happens when you swipe up or down? I don't know, Ricky. I've never been on there.

It might open up a whole new section we didn't know about. I don't know. Give it a try. He's on the... Once he registered, as soon as he went online, his phone exploded. That was Grindr. Holy. It was what?

Grindr. What's that? Yeah, as if you don't know. OK, this is Holly. OK? OK. What do you think? Well, I don't even have to look. Nobody's too hot to be on a fucking...

I know, but... Okay. Quite a fucking profile pic, isn't it? She's got a... I don't know. I'm not gonna argue with her, man. She looks like she's crazy. She might be crazy, but she is... I don't think anybody's too hot for Tinder.

Brad Pitt could go on Tinder. Oh, so you think he's at the... You don't get much hotter than him. Okay. I'll tell you right now, you don't get much hotter than Brad Pitt. And I don't mean it in a sexy way. I can just acknowledge when there's a handsome man in the room.

Speaking of... 16 feet. 16 feet. That's a big fucking bird. That's a big flying machine. That is a big bird. Fucking beef, you bet you could ride one around. Just like how to train your pterodactyls. You know what, you could easily ride on one's back.

But a lot of them were just like small little fuckers, like three feet. That's still a big fucking bird. Two to 10 pounds. That's not that big. Oh, fuck to ten pounds. That's not that big. Oh, fuck that, man. A bald eagle's better than that. Yeah.

A what? A bald eagle. Ricky. A bald eagle. Jesus, man. It's a bald eagle, Ricky, not a bald eagle. The old man said they're not bald, so they're balding. Because they still have some feathers. Just getting rid of them slowly.

That's just a bald eagle, man. A balding eagle. Um, you know the people on that cruise ship that had the, what is it called? Corona 19? Yeah, that virus. Covid. Covid 19. Well, Cam Soda, which I guess is a webcam porn site, they're offering all the people on the ship free fucking porn.

But you've got to sign in. You've got to send a picture of your travel documents. You're like, yeah, I'll give you a fucking thousand credits. Go watch some porn. That'd be all right. It's kind of nice of them, yeah. Pass the time a little bit. What about, you must get free booze on that fucking boat, right?

We can find out, but porn sometimes is better than booze, Julian. Okay. Depends on what you want to do, man. What do you think, bubs? What's better? Booze or porn? We now know what's more important to you. What, booze? Yeah. Well, you've got to have a few drinks, man.

On this day in 1983, the final episode of MASH aired. Was it really that long ago? You remember that? Hot Lips Hoola, man. She was like... I was all upset. What the fuck? I was all upset.

Me too, man. That was a great show, MASH. I didn't even watch the last episode, actually. I did. I didn't. I did. Watched it. I didn't even watch the last episode, actually. I did. I didn't. I did. I just didn't remember most of the names.

Herb Tarlek. No, that's not Mash, Ricky. That's WKRP in Cincinnati. Herb Tarlek, Les Nass. Who else? Wasn't the girl on Mash and the girl on the radio show the same person? Lonnie Anderson, Hot Lips O'Lan. No, Lonnie Anderson was not Hot Lips Houlihan. Who was?

And Bailey was hot as well. Bailey was hot, too. So was Johnny Fever. Which fucking show are we talking about now? WKRP, Ricky, did not have Hot Lips Houlihan. It had Lonnie Anderson, who was, what was her name? Monica. No.

Fuck, I don't know. Phoebe? Starts with a J. Jennifer. Jennifer. Genevieve. Jennifer. Genevieve starts with a G.

Name the people on WKRP. Herb Less. Johnny Fever. Who's Herb Less? The fucking boss dude, Bailey. I think I like Bailey. That fucking other guy. Bailey.

Mr. Carlson. Mr. Carlson, yeah. Mr. Carlson. Venus Flytrap. And the dude that was banging Bailey, and probably Jim. Andy. Andy, that's him. Venus Flytrap.

Yeah. Okay, that's it. Remember Venus? You're good, man, at this game. I fucking love WKRP. We got down, down, down and unpacking. Town to town, up and down the dial. Baby, you and me, we're never meant to be.

Just maybe think of me once in a while. I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati. I used to be able to play that song in the kazoo do you remember the words to the outro no it's because there wasn't any okay good it was all it was all you know and i think it was somebody sang it Holy fuck I think it was Chris Christopherson No It was somebody from the show I think it was Andy Or it might have been

Google it Jesus Christ No this is gonna blow your mind Oh Okay what am I looking for here The outro song from WKRP Who sang it This is gonna take 20 minutes

No it isn't. Watch this. He's not good at looking at shit. Fuck you, man. WKRP and Cincinnati outro song. Look at that, Ricky. End theme. Okay, here we go.

Who sang it? Jim Ellis, man! Who's Jim Ellis? Who's Jim Ellis? All right, bubs. Okay. Bubs, fuck off, man. Jesus Christ. Okay, you said...

Okay. That was great. Thanks, man. Who sang it? That blew my fucking mind. Jim Ellis sang the fucking song. No, it was somebody from the show. It was Herb Tarleck or Les Nesman sang it. Don't know what to tell you.

Who played Les Nesman? Jim Ellis? It doesn't sound like either one of those guys. I know. Sounds like Cheap Trick. It does, actually. Not that I really remember what these... I kind of...

You know what, boys? I think I'm going to go fucking dig out my WKRP and Cincinnati tapes. I want to watch an episode. Maybe the one where they fire the turkeys out of the helicopter. Yeah, that was the best one. Boys, now that we found there's an extra day in February, we got to let loose. Let's have a fucking WKRP in Cincinnati fucking liquor and chicken party.

Wanna? Let's do it. And you know what? Fuck this song, man. Jim Ellis, whatever the fuck that is. Good going, man. Good outro. I'm gonna figure it out.

How do you do this? Hey, who's Jim Ellis? No, Ricky, you gotta be on the... Fuck. Let's go dig up the tapes and get some chicken and liquor. Wanna? I'm eating 40 fucking pieces. All right, just no more fucking stupid death stories, all right?

It's fucking stupid, man. Yeah, no, I haven't told one in over 30 minutes. Well, just don't get back into it once you start getting drunk. KFC or Mary Brown's? Mary FC. Combo bucket. Yeah, I like that idea.