Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 49 - Floppy the Seal

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

The camera dicks have finally f'd off! The Boys are relaxing with a nice liquor picnic by the ocean, and they’re chatting about Ricky’s new pet seal, Wayne Gretzky toast, and why anyone with a power tool is smarter than Thomas Edison. Plus: Bubbles tells the time with a Liquormen’s sundial! Episode 49 is brought to you by the Official Trailer Park Boys Store, and Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky!      

Okay, boys, I am mixing a fucking drink right now. Except a good one, man. You're going to go for the tequila, the vodka, the egg and ice cream, or the whiskey? Do you have a deal with these people? I'm going for the fucking liquorments, boys. Liquorments. Go for the liquorments, man. This shit's good. Nice. It's all fucking melted.

Boys, we've been drunk for fucking how many days now? I don't know. I keep sobering up. I was sober and drunk three times one day. Tuesday night, Wednesday night. What's Thursday? Did I drink all that tequila, boys? Yes, you did, man. I don't drink tequila. The fucking cameras stopped following us around a few days ago, and we've been fucking drunk

ever since celebrating. Because they can fuck off. We've got to start this off properly, man. What is it? Who are you talking to? That thing over there. Well, you're supposed to have, like, a little intro to it, man. What is it? Who are you talking to? That thing over there. Well, you're supposed to have like a little intro to it, man. You're professional. You intro it, then. Hey, what's going on, fuckers? This is the Trailer Park Boy podcast. It's coming at you right now from the South Shore. Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia. We're at the ocean. Yep. This is episode 49. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Is it? Yeah, man, it's 49. There's a lot of fucking noise going on around here. Yes, it's a noisy, lively place. There's hustle and bustle everywhere, and I have a delicious liquor drink.

Well, that is a sassy one right there. I'll let you know, boys. Cheers, Julian. Cheers, guys. I'll let you boys know I'm not leaving here until my friend comes back. Your who? Who, your man friend? Floppy. Floppy? Who's Floppy?

My fucking new seal pet. Your pet seal? Ricky? I made fucking friends with a seal. I nicknamed him Floppy. He's like this little baby seal. He was coming up the boat ramp. He was really fucking awesome. We've been hanging out quite a bit,

getting high together. Define he's your pet seal. Well, if I can catch him, which should be easy, because he goes to sleep down there on the boat ramp. I was gonna take him home, put him in the bathtub. You're gonna have a fucking seal living in the bathtub? Mm-hmm. Then how are you gonna use the bathtub. You're gonna have a fucking seal living in the bathtub.

Mm-hmm. Then how are you gonna use the bathtub? You gonna get in with him? No, seals can live out of water. You just gotta... You put them on the bathroom floor while you shower, then throw them back in. So every time you go to have a shower,

you gotta move a fucking seal. Do you know how big the thing's gonna get, Ricky? But eventually, if you had a fucking mackerel and you walked in the bathroom, he'd probably just fucking jump right out of the thing to get his mackerel. You're not, Rick, you're not taking a wild fucking animal back. Mo, baby Mo could get hurt, man. Do you know how much salt you have to put in not-salted water to make it salt water?

The right, like, ocean water? How much? That's what I'm asking you. I don't know. I gotta get it right. He wants to know because he's gonna build a saltwater tank out of his bathtub and try to have a seal live there. You're not doing that, man. All right, a big fucking cooler. Baby boat. You shouldn't have...

An aquarium. It's not an aquarium. They don't like to just fucking stay in the water, man. They like to come up on land, do their banging shit. Food, see? Boys, I told you I was gonna take care of you today. Yeah, right on, man. Good food.

Fucking Steve. Fucking hundreds. What do we got? What do you got? You check that bag over there, man. This is all mine. No, it isn't. Here, you can have a cheeseburger.

I don't want a cheeseburger. I want a chicken sandwich. Well, there's only one. There's a chicken sandwich here, man. Where? Right here. Well, give me back the fucking cheeseburger. No, that's my cheeseburger.

Check. I'm gonna have a cheeseburger. I'm gonna have a cheeseburger. I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich. There's a chicken sandwich here, man. Where? Right here. Give me back the fucking cheeseburger. No, that's my cheeseburger. Chicken sandwich. Charmin' that. Big Mary with a pickle drove onto her. Look at that.

Mother's got a pickle on her tits. And one up her ass. That is incorrect. My mother does not. Have a pickle up there la poudre. All right, I'm fucking happy, boys. Food? I want that chicken sandwich. I wonder if fucking Floppy would like a chicken sandwich.

Don't be feeding the seal fucking fast food. Ricky the seal will eat mackerel. He likes mackerel sandwiches. He likes fucking cheesies too. See, that's the problem with fucking wildlife these days. There's assholes like you that are feeding fast food. And then they're like, oh, humans are fucking awesome. Right. I'm going to hang out with them.

No. If they only have some asshole with a fucking club, we'll beat it over the head and kill it. There goes your pet seal. No one's fucking, I'll tell you right now, no one's beating Floppy over the fucking head. Why'd you call him Floppy, Ricky? Because when he's coming up in the boat,

he has to flop. He looks like a fucking... One of those animals that came out of the water to make men? They used to walk like that? The fish with sordid legs? He looks like one of those things. That made man.

That man turned from. I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about. Man used to be a fish. Fucking whole planet was covered in water. That is true. That is true. Yeah. So what did you call the fish?

I don't remember what it was called. What fish? Oh, these are gravy, I think. Do you want one? Yes, I fucking want one. It's tasty. I haven't tried it yet, though. So you think a fish just walked out of there just one day,

or did this happen over a period of time? I would say what happened was, you know, once the land came from wherever it came from, the fish was like, what the fuck is this shit? And we just wanted to go up and explore it and check it out. And then maybe it was sunny. He's like, fuck, it's kind of warm out here. So over time, the little fin muscles would get bigger and bigger.

And they're almost like legs at that point. And you just fucking flop right out of the ocean and do whatever you wanted to do. He's actually not that far off. Yeah, but he's missing out on a few things like gills. Well, he's missing out on about 150 million years. How did the fucking gills turn into lungs, man? How did the gills turn into the lungs? I don't know, but if you fucking kept the fish out of the water long enough

and then put it back in just before it died and then took it out again, it would probably turn, it would get lungs eventually. Not a fucking chance, man. It would have to or it would die. You're talking about a longer period of time than just doing an experiment out on the beach, Ricky. Fuck. Well, at least I have a pet and you don't, so...

I don't want a fucking pet seal. Do you know where eyeballs came from, Ricky? I guess from the fish, too, did they? Do you know where eyeballs came from, Ricky? I guess from the fish too, did they? First organisms didn't have eyeballs, but they could sense the light from the depth of the water, you know, ones that were deeper, and ones that were closer. There was some kind of a thing, I remember,

and you know, the ones that were up close and could sense the light and they had a better chance of living. So they started to get these little puncture marks in their heads from the light. And I don't know, they turned into eyes somehow. I remember watching it. Sounds fucking crazy.

Cosmos, it was fucking decent too. But it was that night we smoked that. Remember we smoked that stuff? What was it you had? It was called apple, apple cheese or something? Apple jack. No, it was apple cheese and grape ape strain, I think. I forget now.

It was fucking awesome though. That's why I smoked that. You should put ketchup in your gravy. It's my technique there. It works good. And then you get your gravy and your ketchup at the same time. That's a pretty good idea, actually. What do you call that? That's a good question.

Catchy or grave-up? What is it? Grave-o? Grave-up. Grave-up. That's awesome. That's what it is. You win. Or it could be called cave-y Cavy or Catchy. Catch-Avy. Catch-Avy. Or Grave-Up. So what the fuck are you guys gonna do? Especially you, Julie, now the cameras aren't gonna be falling around the park. You gonna stop acting like such a fucking dick? Why would you say something like that? Not once have I acted like a dick. You're different when the camera's around. I'm not fucking different.

It's like you got a chick on your shoulder. A what? A chick on your shoulder. A chick on my shoulder, like a woman? That's what they say when you're acting like you're fucking better than other people. I got a chick on my shoulder. Mm-hmm. It's a chip. What, like a lady or a little chicken? That's a good question, actually. I always assumed it Like a lady or a little chicken?

That's a good question actually. I always assumed it meant a lady but maybe it is a chicken. No, it's a chip on your shoulder man, not a chick. A chip? Yeah. What the fuck would that even mean? Like a chip off the old block. What the fuck are you guys talking about? I don't know. I'm...

What the fu... What was that shit we smoked this time? That, my friend, was a... combination of diesel... ...hash oil... ...and I smeared a couple dabs on the paper. Ricky, we're really starting to trail off here. Are we? The ship's kicking in now.

What should we do then? Just say fuck it and come back next week? No, we don't say fuck it. We've got to keep going, but I'm starting to lose my faculties here. I think I'm too fucked up, boys. This food is tasting really, really fucking good. I haven't eaten for two days. Why haven't you eaten for two days?

Well, I ate liquor. Ate beer. Why don't you take a little fucking... I never had any real food, just chips and... Take a swim in the ocean and go try to find a little pet seal. I can tell you right now, Floppy will be back here in a minute. If you went swimming in there trying to find Flop pet seal. I can tell you right now, Floppy will be back here in a minute. If you went swimming in there trying to find Floppy, you found him,

the thing would fucking bite your nuts off, man. Guarantee you. Or he might try to get his flipper in you. You never know. Might try to wet hump you. Wet hump you? That's my fucking burger. It's in my fucking bag, man. You took it from me first.

There's another one in there. No, it's all empty, man. So you get three burgers and I get one. You got a horse car. One and a half. That's bullshit. Do you have any fun things to talk about this week? Well, there's some other shit.

What is it? There's a campaign to change the name of fire ants to Spicy Boys. It's gathering up a good pace here. What the fuck are you talking about? It's taken them a long time to drag this issue into the fucking public eye. Spicy Boys. That's what they want to call these fucking ants.

Who does? I don't fucking know. What the fuck's wrong with fire ants? Serving the UK, man. Ants that bite you and it burns like fuck. Fire ants. Spicy Boys? No, see, it's people in the UK are getting carried away

with these fucking, let's change the name of things. They did the boat one. There was a school, wasn't there? There was a school. I don't think that was in England, though. I think that was in Texas. I think it's just people fucking around with that, you know? Spicy Boys. Yeah.

Look at all the look. I got all kinds of Spicy Boy bites on me. That's fucking stupid. Who's going to say that? Nobody. Why do they feel like they're going to fucking change the name of everything? Just fucking leave it at fire ants is not that bad.

If they were called snow ants and they burnt you to fuck, I could understand it, but... I mean, fire ants sort of make sense. Spicy boys? It's fucking dumb. What, are they eating these ants or something? Well, that's a different story, maybe. And they said something like, wow, this is spicy, boys. That's probably where it came from.

Drugs. You sound like Ricky right now. Well, I'm fucked up like Ricky usually is, man. You think that's where the name spicy boys came from? I'm just saying, there's people that eat fucking ants. Somebody ate a handful of ants and went, Well, these are spicy, boys. Why not? You sound like Ricky., well, these are spicy, boys. Why not?

You sound like Ricky. I'm going to fucking read this, man. I guarantee you somebody ate a fucking ant. Your mother used to eat ants. Used to dry them up in different caves, too. My mother used to suck ants off. All right, this is a good one to be talking about while we're eating.

What? A pooping man sees Donald Trump's face in bathroom floor tiles. What the fuck are you talking about? What is wrong with people? What do you mean, sees the face? Although I did see Wayne Gretzky in a piece of toast one time. What do you mean, like the real Wayne Gretzky? It was his image, Ricky. It looked exactly like him.

It looked nothing like him, man. Julian, it said Gretzky 99. It looked just like he had his Jofa helmet on. No, no, no, no. It looked more like fucking Carol Burnett than it did Wayne Gretzky, man. And it didn't say Wayne Gretzky written on it. Well, it looked sort of like a G and then some squiggles. Buzz, you're on drugs, man. There's no fucking way that was right in. It was a piece of fucking gratsky-tongue. What happened to it?

I ate it. Bullshit. You're fucking lying, man. I ate it and then I went out and played ball hockey that day and I was ten times as good as I normally am. Bullshit. So tell me that's a coincidence.

Did you take a picture of it? I didn't take a picture of it because it's back before there was cameras around. It just seems weird that if you saw that and you had that, that you'd either keep it and sell it for a million dollars, or you'd take a picture of it at least. I was hungry, Ricky. I put peanut butter on it and ate it. No, I told you it looked like Carol Burnett.

And it fucked up all these plans. You thought you were going to be on Geraldo with your fucking toast. Geraldo Riviera. He was a fucking crazy bastard. Who was? Geraldo Riviera. He used to be a fighter, eh, that guy? God, his fucking nose broke him. By the, uh, who broke his nose?

The NRA. Or no, it wasn't. Yeah, it was during one of his shows. Yeah, I know, that was the racist guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, those fucking assholes. Yeah, I've read about that shit. What a one of his shows. Yeah, I know that was the... Oh, those fucking... Racist guys. Yeah, yeah. Oh, those fucking assholes. Yeah, I've read about that shit.

What a bunch of dicks. Buddy stood up, remember, and fucking... Black guy stood up and he said, dude, don't you call me that, boy. And the guy got all panicky and then somebody whipped the chair. Hit him in the face. Remember that? That was fucked. Didn't he bang Madonna, didn't face? Remember that? That was fun.

Didn't he bang Madonna, didn't he? Geraldo? Geraldo didn't bang Madonna, did he? Pretty sure he did, man. Really? Yeah. When? Well, it was way before Sean Penn was banging her. Before or after? I don't know. I think it could have been after.

Couldn't have been way before Sean Penn was banging her, because he was banging her when she was... It was after. He was banging her after, I think. He might have been stalking her. She's banged a lot of dudes, man. Who has? Madonna. So has your mother. Get it?

Yeah, I get it. Get it? Alright. What's with sunglasses are these? Yeah, I get it. Get it? All right. What's with sunglasses, these? Oh, look at that. They fit right over my glasses. You look fucked. Speaking of fucked, is it the food or my buzz on,

or is there just extra gravity down here? I'm feeling the same thing, man. Does it feel like we're going to fall over down? It's like a s-is it the world that's slanted, or is it the table? No, it's same thing, man. Does it feel like we're gonna fall over down... It's like a... Is it the world that's slanted or is it the table? No, it's the table, man. Feels like we're too close to the edge, boys. Boys, we're not gonna fall in the ocean, are we? If we do, Fluffy...

Don't start fucking around. Give it a little test. Don't start fucking around or we go over and roll down the bank and then we wash away. This is a cool story. Cops find $10 million worth of cocaine inside a blinged out horse's head. A what? Some kind of blinged out horse's head.

What's blinged out mean? Diamante encrusted sculpture of a horse's head. Diamond encrusted? Had a horse's head. Diamond encrusted? Had a bunch of cocaine in it. Yeah, ten million fucking dollars, man. This was in New Zealand. And normally per year they only fucking seize around 250 grams. Holy shit. Here the cops are fucking really shitty and dumb in New Zealand, or they don't do a lot of cocaine, I guess.

How many people died... Somebody just moved in who's got a bad habit. Yeah, no. Ten mil or they don't do a lot of cocaine, I guess. How many people died... Somebody just moved in who's got a bad habit. Yeah, no. 10 milsie, that's a lot. I wonder how many people died because of that bust. All kinds of people. Maybe Keith Richards moved in. Who?

Get it? No. Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones. I thought you meant Keith Richards from high school. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Could have been him, too. He used to do a lot of it. Yeah, $10 million.

The one from Fleetwood Mac. What's her name again? Stevie Necks. Yeah, she still does a lot of it, doesn't she? I don't know. I don't know Stevie Necks. Yeah, that's fair. It's awfully fucking bright here, boys.

It is, man. We put it in a brighter spot. You're the one that picked this place, Pups. I didn't pick this area. You said you wanted to have a nice picnic. You said, let's get a nice, idyllic setting for the picnic under the tree. A nice who? Idyllic.

That's what he said. What does that mean? Like nice, like you know. Nice, picturesque, kind of beautiful. Picturesque. Well yeah, but now I just feel like I'm having a nap. Tell you the truth. What's the deal with picturesque?

Like what does that really mean? Because it sounds like it would mean, like... It's so nice, it looks like a picture, but... Well, it does, Ricky. It's like, picture-esque means sort of, like, perfect. A nice picture. Beautiful picture. But there's lots of shitty pictures, too. Right.

So, like, for me, I'm not good at using the camera, so most of my pictures too. Right. So, like for me I'm not gonna use the camera, so most of my pictures probably look like shit, so it would be shitty picture-esque, I guess, that would be my word. Or shitty-esque. Shitty-esque. Shitty-esque. Yeah.

Like if you were to take a picture of us right now, it'd be shitty-esque. Yeah, I think we need to do a lot more drugs, five or six more drinks. Go driving somewhere. Ricky... You just said you wanted to go drinking and driving. You can't get all banged up and drink and drive, man. You can't in parking lots.

No, you can't. Or in the woods. Yeah, fucking take the car in the woods. In the woods? We got to deal with the wood cops. Big fucking radar trout in the middle of the woods. What are wood cops? That's what I mean. There probably isn't any.

Forest rangers, you mean. What the fuck are they they gonna do to you? If a forest ranger catches you wasting it in the woods, driving your car through the woods, he's gonna arrest you. How many forest rangers have fucking two 9mms pointed at their head being told to fuck off, though? Forest rangers, they don't fuck around, let me tell you.

Oh, come on. I wouldn't. Bubs, there's no way a forest ranger would take me down. I don't give a fuck. What would they charge you with, endangering fucking animals and trees? Try to light a fire up over here in the woods? Drunk?

Fuck, you guys might get drunk and run over that birch tree over there, poor little fella. Fuck that. OK, fine then, boys. Get drunk and go ripping around the woods. See if I give a fuck. Well, you're coming with us. I'm not gonna go to a national park or anything.

I'm gonna go down behind Billy's fucking junkyard and... Yeah, like logging roads. Do some fucking donuts, man. You wanna get drunk and go down behind Billy's junkyard, out in the woods, drunk, ripping around, and then possibly threatening forest rangers with guns. What the fuck do you want to do? I'm staying here and taking Floppy home and putting him in my fucking bathtub.

That's not happening. Well, then we're going to get drunk. Don't Floppy around Moe, man. I'm telling you. Going to the junkyard. What do you want to do? Yeah, what do you want to fucking do? I want to go to a museum.

There's a museum just down the road that shows an old house from the 1800s. And I'd like to go there. For what reason? Yeah, because I like to get myself educated. Well, you're not going to do it there. Get to see how dumb people were back then. Didn't even have fucking power tools or anything. Who gives a fuck about a 100-year-old home

or 200-year-old home, man? Ricky, how do you figure people were dumb back then just because they didn't have power tools? We've got them. Does that make you smarter? So you think people from back then, let's just pick somebody from back then. Let's say Thomas Edison.

OK. You smarter than him because you have power tools? I think everybody's smarter than him now. Back then he was smart for that time. So you think everybody modern day is smarter than Thomas Edison because they own power tools? Well, that and everything else goes with it. Look at all the fucking computers they have now and televisions.

Um. Yeah, but Ricky. Better beds. That doesn't make people smarter though, man. Better sleep makes better smart. That's a fucking t-shirt we need to make. Better sleep makes better smart. I'm gonna make that into a t-shirt and sell it, Ricky.

Well, I want a fucking cut. No, you don't get a cut, because Julian doesn't give anybody cuts. You guys are gonna get a cut. If there's a profit, you get a cut. Profit? Define profit. You made money after all the expenses are fucking taken care of.

How do we make money? From sponsors. Oh, yeah, we got a, boys, sponsored by Liquormans. What else? And by the merch company that's... Fucking website from hell. It's changed. Trailer Park Boys, TBB Boys.

No, there's a new one. I fucking talked to them. Trailer dash No, it isn't. It's just trailerparkboysmerch.com. I don't think it is, is it? It is. I thought there was another one at trailer-park-backstreet-dash... Nope.

It's brand new. Trailerparkboysmerch.com, because I spoke to the people myself. Well, good for you, bubs. Maybe we'll make some fucking money. Yes, please. But if you guys are watching this or listening to this, go to the the fucking site buy some shit so these guys will stop whining. Fucking sick of it. That's the deal trailerparkboysmerch.com. So who do we have the only sponsor we have right now is Leckerman's? And the other one the

trailerparkboysmerch.com. So none of this food sponsored us today. No, no. It was good, but it made me want to go to bed. So we're going to have to do some more drugs and get more liquor. Ricky, it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Is that bad or good? Well, I guess it depends on how you look at it.

How does a sun clock work? A sun cock? a sun clock work? A sun cock? A sun clock. Which could be a cock, I guess. A sundial? You get her fucking lined up. It's got a thing.

You get her lined up with north and then the shadow casts. Oh, fuck. Somebody breaking into Ronnie's car. The shadow... Once you get her pointed at the north Fuck. Somebody breaking into Ronnie's car. The shadow. Once you get her pointed at the north and the thing's pointing up, then as the sun moves, it casts a shadow at the different times of day

and you learn how to read it. Okay. Do you know how to read it? Ah, yes, I know how to read a fucking sun dial. Bullshit. I do. Okay, you pretend this is the dial. All right.

You line it up. What is this then? Well, I don't know where north is right now. Do you know where north is? Over there. How do you know? By the birch tree. How do you know?

You can just feel it. North is that way. You can feel it. So line her up there, big wheeler. Okay, so that's pointing north, right? Yep. There's the sun. It's casting a shadow.

I would predict it is around with that and the triangulation. If that's north, which I don't, I'd say it's around somewhere between 2.30 and 3.30 in the afternoon. That's a pretty big window. Close. That was too big. No, you tighten up that window a bit. Well, Julian, it's not. We're using a pretty big window. Close. That was too big. No, you tighten up that window a bit. Well, Julian, it's not... We're using a fucking liquor bottle.

You're using one hour? Come on. Within a half hour is acceptable. Okay. Three o'clock. That's pretty fucking good. What time is it? 2.48. Holy fuck-bots. Sunda. Sunda. That was pretty fuck, Bob. It's right on.

Thunder. That was pretty impressive, man. And I used a liquor bottle and an assumption. Well, you did pretty good, bud. Well, that's because you guys don't ever give me credit. That's a cute little cooler you got there. Yeah, nice little dainty cooler. That's my new little cooler. That's my new little cooler.

That used to belong to your mom? No, I just bought that. Does it come in like a guy's cooler or just ladies? That is a guy's cooler. Bullshit. It's a dainty little, it's like a purse cooler. It's not a purse cooler. What's the size of this fucking thing?

It holds enough ice to make my drinks all day. That's a fucking purse cooler. That's not a purse, this is a good drink. Ricky. He went to sleep. No kidding, man, I'm gonna fucking, I need just five minutes. Fucking weed, man.

Sucked, man. It's like a, it's an indica shit, isn't it? It's indica. We's an indica shit, isn't it? It's indica. We can't smoke that shit. Let's say goodbye, then. Let's say goodbye. I'm not even saying goodbye. No. Fuck it. Join us next week when...

I don't know what happens. Because we don't plan ahead.