Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 49 - Going Viral

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Bubbles is taking no chances with this c**ksucker of a Coronavirus - can they kill it with booze and dope? The Boys also discuss the Sunnyvale Earthquake, Mad Mike, and celeb-shaped chicken nuggets! Plus: Is Bubbles in control of his brain ship?

. Fuck. Ricky, it smells like it's fucking burning. It's cause this microwave's fucking sucking my bag late. I told you I would have a look at it, but it's old as the fucking hills. I can smell it burning even through my fucking COVID-19 mask. It's fucking... You don't have to wear the goddamn mask, man.

Well, I don't... I don't like to take chances. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Oh, yeah, it's burnt bad. I can smell it right through my mask. Folks, take that fucking mask off. It's embarrassing bad. I can smell it right through my mask. Bubs, take that fucking mask off. It's embarrassing. Ricky.

None of us have the fucking Corolla vials. Well, they don't even know how fucking spread yet. So I'm just being safe. That's all. It is fogging up my fucking glasses, though. And you look like a dick, Bubs. I thought you only wore the mask if you had the fucking thing. So do you have it?

No, I don't have it. I've got no symptoms. You gotta get the fuck out. Julian. Bubz. We're doing the park after dark. We're doing it right now. You know what they say that 75% of people that wear those masks aren't getting banged.

Well, that's fine. I'm not getting banged anyway. It's a little like a dick. Works out good for me. Don't they have like new ones that are kind of stylish and shit? You could have got one of those, man. I'm sure they do have fancy ones, but I don't need a fancy one. This one's from Canadian Tire.

I'm not afraid of that goddamn fucking virus anyway. Fuck that virus. What do you mean? I feel like actually going over there and just trying to get it goddamn fucking virus anyway. Fuck that virus. What do you mean? I feel like actually going over there and just trying to get it on purpose. Ricky, if you go over somewhere to try to get COVID-19 on purpose,

you're not allowed to come back. I bet you if you... the right amount of dope and liquor, you'd kill the fucking thing. A bitch of booze kills it, man. You don't think they tried that? Nobody with the fucking coronavirus had a drink? Nope, they're just locking people up, Bubz. They're not even fucking giving it a try.

Can you get the fuck over here and do the park after dark? Just saying, booze probably kills it, man. But no, if they start getting drunk, they're not going to make money. You guys are pissing me off. It's a fucking money thing, bud. Nope, this one I think went a little better. Okay, Ricky, just... Man, the blink blink beep bleep bleep is fucking driving me nuts, I have to say.

You're doing good, man. You're doing good. Fuck, that's dirty, man. Yeah, come on. Welcome to Perk After Dark. Pure fucking chaos here at Ricky's Trailer. Nobody's really even... Fucking garbage. That popcorn must be about ten years old. It's fucked. Smells... Oh, fuck, Ricky.

It smells like chemicals. Yeah, it's not good. Did you spray it with fucking... Oh, is that the one that's burnt to shit, man? No, there was one that got... Remember you sprayed it with bug spray by accident? Is that what that is? It smells like raid. No, that's not shit, man. No, there was one that got, remember you sprayed it with bug spray by accident? Is that what that is? It smells like raid.

No, that's not good, man. It's not great, is it? No. That's bad. It smells like raid. Okay. All right. Dark after dark.

One of us may or may not have the fucking Corolla virus. I don't have it. Bob's. What? You're hard to look at, man. It's just, yeah, it's difficult. It's fogging up my glasses. Oh, there you go, now you're fucked.

Okay, I'll just leave it like that. There's no fucking Corolla virus in here. You'd be afraid to be in here. Nothing like that could live in this fucking trailer, Bobs. Ricky, that's... That smells like burnt hot dogs. All right, I'll get rid of it. It's fucking not very good.

It smells like hot dogs. It was probably soaked in hot dog juice at some point. I could do a mother joke there, but I'll... I'll go for it, man. What, that Julian's mother smells like that too? Certain parts for her too. Maybe it's not hot dogs, it's probably cocks. See?

It's a real fucking nice place. I can't believe you're getting me to take my coronavirus mask off. Straps are pretty tight though. I better not have it. Better not have it is right If you do Bye bye You know there was Pats can get it too

There was a dog that had it They put him in quarantine What the fuck is in here man And did you see what Kim Jong Un did What did he do One of his officials No Got coronavirus

Bang He banged him No he killed him. Oh. You whacked him. Yeah. Oh, you got the coronavirus? Oh, sorry.

Boom. Dead. He doesn't give a fuck. Burn him. That's one way to get rid of it, I guess. That's not a very good strategy, because if more people start getting it, you can't just, you know, murder all your citizens. Bob, see, you're taking it way too far, though, man.

The cold is fucking killing more people. I understand. You understand? But it's spreading and they don't even know. No need to panic. The incubation period's very long, so, you know, people could have had it... People could be walking around the last three weeks with it, spreading it like fucking dirty old whatever. And nobody even knows it. You watch the numbers start fucking skyrocketing.

How do you know when you've gotten it? Well, you get sick. I mean, most people don't die. It's not like a death sentence, but if you're an oldie, fucking watch out. If I was an oldie, I wouldn't want it. Tell you that. All right, the oldies should stay inside then.

Yes. Don't be out fucking, you know, hanging out. Okay. What's the date? March 6th. I don't know, bud. March 6th. What is it?

March 6th. March 6th, boys. What are we going to talk about? Hey, Art, we could talk about something weird happened here on Sunday. Oh yeah! Never happens here. Earthquake. Fucking earthquake.

That was pretty freaky. An earthquake in Sunnyvale. Goddamn near tucked my shed down. It rattled my shed. Fucking window fell right out of it. It did sound like a train or something. It was a fucking bit of a noise. Bit of a noise. Yes. I didn't know they were so fucking noisy, man. Fucking earthquake. We had an earthquake. The epicenter was only about a kilometer from the

Sunnyvale trailer park. Unbelievable. That's right. Yeah, it spooked my kitties too. 2.6, right? 2.6. Not a big one, but when you're used to having zero earthquakes, it'sooked my kiddies too. 2.6, right? 2.6, not a big one. But when you're used to having zero earthquakes, it's pretty big. The biggest ever recorder was what? 9.6? 9.8? Oh, it was that one when your mother fell off the bed.

Get it? Why'd she fall off? Pops. What? Getting it. Who? Getting it? Who's giving it to my mom? I don't know. Puffs, man.

Donnie? Donnie? My mother would not have... Puffs. Gross, man. I'm going to have a snap of liquor just in case this does carry the coronavirus. Definitely, man. You know what?

It can't hurt, can it? I fucking got too many poops. This kills a lot of shit in you, man. You know what? It can't hurt, can it? I fucking had too many boobies. But this kills a lot of shit in you, man. All those parasites and viruses and all that shit. Dead. Yeah. Big earthquake in Sunnyvale. Where were you at, Ricky?

Passed out. Did it wake you up? Nope. Could have been that big. Yeah, I was cooking craft dinner in my shed. I was in the living room. In the living room, I thought someone came right through the fucking ceiling or something. It was like, boom.

You know, shook. Quite a load. I thought your trailer blew up. I thought you were maybe, you know, had a gas leak or something. You know what? That's what a lot of people thought. It was a fucking explosion, but no siree, Bob. Earthquake.

Earthquake. Yeah. I was in an earthquake before, Bob. Earthquake. Earthquake. Yeah. I was in an earthquake before, but nothing like that one. Nothing like that one. That one was way worse, wasn't it? No, I just, I was on the ground for this one. I was way up in the... Keep drinking, man. Seriously.

Yeah, I got a good buzz on. Kill it, I got a good buzz on it. Fill it. I got a good buzz on it. I got about a half a pint in me. Did we talk about your little flat earther friend yet? Mad Mike. Crazy bastard. Flung himself up in the air. Dead.

Yeah, it sucks. Dead. Right before he got to prove it, too. No, Ricky. He only made it to 450 feet. He made it to 450 feet. He could have fucking bought an airline ticket. Now I'm never going to know if he was right, though.

Ricky, you can go to fucking 40,000 feet in an airplane. Take a picture out the window. 450. How high did he want to go? 5,000 feet in an airplane. Take a picture out the window. How high did he want to go? 5,000. Just a five. That's it? Like lower than a plane? He flung himself up, chute came off, irked over, down he goes.

Straight into the ground. Now he's flat. So why didn't he just go up like in a little Cessna airplane or something? Or a hot air balloon or buy a fucking drone at Best Buy. That's fucked. Could have bought a drone. Couple hundred bucks. Send her up with a camera on it.

4K. It is cool he built his own rocket though. Well yeah, but it's dangerous business Ricky. You can't just throw together a steam rocket and throw a fucking old tarp on the back for a parachute. I mean... I feel bad.

So on the respect level for this guy, what is it? From one to ten, ten being good. Well, I mean... Because I know we all know you're a fraud. Obviously didn't want the man to die, but Jesus, you'd think his friends would have said, Mike, maybe don't go up in it. Let's rethink this.

Like, if I was going to, I mean, I know I've built machines in the past where I almost did myself in when I built that centrifuge and almost spun myself to death. But if I was going to launch myself, surely you guys would stop me. Don't know. Wouldn't you? No, man. If I said, Julian, I built a rocket, I'm pretty sure it's gonna work, you would let me blast

off in it? No, if you said it is going to work. Yeah, if you said pretty sure, I'd say no. Pretty sure I'd say don't do it. But if you said 100% this is gonna work. I'd say go for it, bud. You'd let me launch myself in a rocket. Well, you're pretty smart.

I sure would. It's a pretty smart. I sure would. Pretty smart guy. I mean, I think I could do it, but just nice to know that somebody's trying to talk some sense into a fella. You know, how would you know I wasn't drunk and high and did some miscalculations? No, man. If I built it and Chris Hadfield came and said, you know what, looks pretty good, I'd probably do it. But I'm guessing he'd come over and say, don't do it, bud. You're fucked. Fuck, I just thought of something, man.

Do we still have those Corona beer in here? We're going to have to get rid of those. Ricky, why are you fucked? What? Seriously. People that believe that that has something to do with it, like, that's fucked, man. A lot of people do. I'd be pissed off.

Nobody's drinking Corona down in the United States. They think it's direct. Well, Ricky, that's man a lot of people i'd be pissed off nobody's drinking corona down in the united states they think it's direct well ricky that's because they're what if the coronavirus has nothing to do with corona beer we don't know that we do not know that it's just the name ricky it would have just as much to do with bud light nothing This has much to do with fucking Bud Light. Nothing. Now, don't start fucking boycotting Bud Light because I said that. Where's Corona from? Italy.

No, it's from Mexico. It's a Spanish beer. It's a Mexican beer. It has nothing to do with coronavirus. Even if it was from Italy, it still wouldn't have anything to do with coronavirus. We don't know that. It might have coronavirus on the caps or something. Somebody sneezed. Anyway, I'm not going to chance it in case you're all wrong. I'll take your cronus. Go ahead. They're mine. I'll gladly take them. I'll rub them all over my fucking body and then drink them. No chance. You know what we should do? We should go like

door to door asking for Corona beer. Say we're getting rid of them. That's. You know what we should do? We should go door to door asking for Corona beer. Say we're getting rid of one of those hazmat suits. Put on some hazmat suits. Let's go with the Corona beer. I like this. You got Corona beer in your house, you gotta get rid of it. Coronavirus all over it. Yeah. And if you've got

any rum or whiskey, potentially it's latched onto that. Could have cross pollinated. We might be able to get some fucking shit done at booze. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Then have a party. It's not a bad idea.

Church covered church. It's all hot and hot. Did I tell you guys I shit myself this morning? No, that's cause I didn't. Thank God. It's not... yeah. What else you got on your paper? I don't have a... this is... I did this when I was fucked up last night, before it got late.

I like how you write things down. McDonald's, they're selling, uh, burger scented candles now. Yeah, what the fuck is going on with that? I heard that. I saw Randy fucking burning out of the park and I asked him what he was doing. That's what he said and I thought he was full of shit. It's kind of smart in a way. As soon as you light that fucker up, you're like, holy fuck, I need to go to McDonald's. Oh, it's brilliant because that's the trigger. It's getting you to trigger yourself. You imagine if Randy has burger candles burning all the time?

Yeah. He'd probably try to eat them. He might try to eat the candle or he might masturbate more. Why would he masturbate? Well, if his trailer's just smelling like... You know how burgers turn him on. No, he eats them because he's gotta eat. No, but they turn him on. Sexually.

He gets sexually turned on by burgers. Okay, so what? You think he's like banging a cheeseburger or something? No, but they turn him on. Sexually. He gets sexually turned on by Berks. Okay, so what? You think he's, like, banging a cheeseburger or something? I wouldn't doubt he's tried. He's, like, rubbing them all over his body? I wouldn't doubt he's tried. I mean, if he, you know, put it between the buns or whatever.

Wrapped an elastic around it. You got this all figured out, don't you? I'm just saying. You know what, now that you, he probably does do that, man. You know, put an elastic on it, extra mayo on it, and then elastic. Perhaps.

Then wedge it in a door, and then. Wedge it in a door? Well, just so it's stationary, and then. He says he's really thought about this. Well, I'm just saying, I mean, if that's what somebody was going to do, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out. Oh, yeah, the other thing with McDonald's.

Is it Mick or Mac? Mick. I thought it was Mac. There's no A in it, Ricky. There should be. A McDonald's hamburger. So could you open up a McDonald's? I would think it would be difficult, but you could. McDonald's.

Big red arches instead of yellow. Ricky, I'm thinking you might get sued. I know a guy years ago who had a restaurant and he had a slogan up in the window that was similar to a McDonald's slogan. Big limousine pulled up, came in, cease and desist. He had to take his slogan and he was just a one-off restaurant. You imagine if you tried to open a McDonald's chain, burger chain. My God, those are something. Buzz, get away from me, man.

I'm just... So really, their Big Mac should be called a Big Mick. I'd sue them. I never thought of that. I never thought of that before, man. But yeah, that makes sense. I never thought of that until just now. Big Mick.

Until you said it. It should be a Big Mick. It's a McChicken. It's not MacChicken. It's until you said it. It should be a Big Mac. Because McChicken's not MacChicken. It's a McChicken. It's a McChicken. What the fuck is it called a Big Mac for? Never thought of that. Mind blown.

Good one, Ricky. Wow. Good one, Ricky. You know, it's the edibles. I think they're fucking helping you out, man. Is it Chicken Mac Nuggets or McNuggets? McNuggets. Start saving them if they look like things.

What? Yeah. I know what you're going to say, Rick. Like what? Look like what? This is that woman, right? Yeah. Years ago?

What was it, fucking eight grand for a McNugget? Yeah. What? She had a chicken McNugget. I think it was around 2010, 12, around there. I remember. It looked like, was it George Jefferson? George Washington, Ricky.

Yeah. She had a check of McNugget that looked like George Washington. She sold it on eBay for $8,100. True story. $8,100 fucking dollars. U.S.? It would have been U.S., which is over $10,000. For a McNugget. $8,100 fucking dollars. U.S.? It would have been U.S., which is, you know, over $10,000. For a McNugget.

$10,000. So if you just buy enough of them, say we go and have one McNugget meal a day, I'd say within a week you're going to find one that looks like somebody. Or, I mean... Yeah, but it's got to look like somebody that people want to fucking, you know, collect. Ricky, if I took a Dremel tool and some frying oil and some flour, I bet you I could sculpt one into somebody. Let's try it. Let's do it.

Drop it in the deep fryer, cook it up a bit, pull it back out, and there you go, Paula Abdul. Or, you know, whoever. Bono. Bono. Look at my Bono nugget. My Bono. Sunglasses.

No, it's got to look like a president or something, man. Okay. Not one that looks like fucking Bono. There's my little Ronald Reagan nugget. See? Jimmy Carter. JFK. JFK nuggets.

Now you're talking. Big. Marilyn Monroe nuguggets would be big. Marilyn Monroe Nugget? Who the fuck? Oh, what if it had little blonde hair on it? Little poops. We should pre-sell them. Then we know what ones are selling good.

Pre-sell them? Yeah. What do you mean, Ricky? Just take orders. Say we have them. And you can make whatever ones we sell. That's perfect. Well, Ricky, they're going to want to see a picture of it,

so if it doesn't exist, I could Photoshop one. Yes. Photoshop McNuggets to look like famous people, sell them by the picture, and then I'll fucking take some of the money to buy the tools I need to make custom McNuggets. Well, we got off on a tangent.

It's a terrible idea, boys. Terrible. It's a great idea. No, man. I'm making fun of you. You don't even know it. I thought you were into it. So you're not going to sculpt one?

Boys, you can't sculpt nuggets. You just said you could. I was fucking with you. No, but what you said makes sense. Put a little batter on it. You can't add batter to a nugget and then cook it. They're going to know. They're going to know it's not an authentic nugget.

Remember we were arguing about the Lep years? Yes. Well, you guys were wrong, because there was a woman that should be 100 that celebrated her 25th birthday on the 29th. What? Ricky, it doesn't matter. Her sister's 98.

She's 25. Ricky? And she's older. She's still that old, though, Ricky. That much time has passed. 100 fucking years. How is she only celebrating her 25th birthday? Because technically there was only 25 leap years.

One quarter of the years. But she's still aged for 100 fucking years. She doesn't look... I will say that. She doesn't look like she's 25. No, she's wrinkled a hundred fucking years. She doesn't look, I will say that, she doesn't look like she's 25. No, she's wrinkled up like an old apple doll because she's a hundred. Yeah, she does look, she looks older than she is.

A lot older. But Ricky, you got to stop fucking thinking about it, man. It was, it's in the, whatever you read, it's real. I know, but it's confusing. It's a real book. It's been confusing to you your entire life, man. Like, that's just, like, just give it up. All it said is, grandmother celebrates her 25th birthday.

At first I thought it was like, wow, she must have got started when she was like 16 at the oldest, but no. No, see, like that math there doesn't even make sense. It's fucked. Anyway, you guys were wrong and I was right again. Moving on.

Boys, what in the fuck were those edibles you gave me? I feel like I just went to the moon. You only did like 10 milligrams, man. I know, Ricky, but I don't have any tolerance for edibles. You did how many? 140.

Oh my fuck. That's a good amount. So did I. I like it. How do you even function? Because I feel like I just went to the moon all of a sudden. Perfectly great. 140 milligrams.

I'd probably be going to the hospital. Because it does feel like I've got a bit of a racing heart. No, no, she's good. Take it right along. Take it, boo. You know what? I think it was too much. You said this was like half of what you usually take.

No, I said normally I would take half of this. No, you said this is half of what you usually take. But doesn't it matter? No, because I took the same amount. Yeah, just go with it. But is it the milligrams or is there different amounts of density per milligram? Like, can you have 100 milligrams with 50% THC and 100 milligrams with 80% THC? Or is the milligrams, what did I don't know enough about it? The milligrams is the THC.

It is? Okay. Didn't know that. Yeah. And 140, I guess, is good. The milligrams is the THC. It is? Okay. Didn't know that. And 140, I guess, is good. 10's just great for me. Well. Just great. Still functional.

Would have been great for me, too. Remember when Neil Armstrong, at the start of First Man, was in the fucking, you know, the test? Yeah, he was on edibles? No, he wasn't on pills, Ricky. Oh, I thought you were saying that he was on edibles. Oh, he wasn't on pills, Ricky. I thought you were saying he was on edibles. Oh, I don't think so. I mean, he might have been on some kind of edible.

Superhuman. But remember, he was right at the edge of space and he almost lost it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The nose went off. The stick had no... He couldn't get back in. And then he flipped her over and shot himself down. Earth was like, fuck you, you're out.

You ain't coming back in. I betcha. I forget why I was even talking about that now. Oh, that's what I'm like. I'm just perfectly right at the edge of space there. And you can't get back in? No, no, I just flipped her, and I'm, you know, back in control now.

Back in control of my ship. Good. My brain ship. Good. You're lucky. Back in control of my brain ship. Julian looks fucked. Yeah.

What do you want to talk about? What's in behind? Let's see your eyeballs. Your luck balls. Bad, eh? Look how fucked he is. No shit. Thanks, Rick.

But staring at this quarter pounder of cheese, like, forever. You're making me hungry. You're making me hungry, man. Yeah, but this guy buried a meal deal. Opaque. 14 months he had this thing buried in a Tupperware thing. And he's like, for my 40th birthday, I'm going to take it out and eat it. And he did.

Quarter pounder of cheese, French fries, and a milkshake. And it was underground For 14 months Big time He said the burger was hard But a little soggy in the bottom The lettuce was fucked You know The fries were fucked

And the milkshake was fizzy Why would he eat it? Because he's fucked in the head man What a way to celebrate your birthday What an idiot. You should have sold it, obviously. 14 months old, man. Make him a lot of money with McDonald's stuff.

Who would have thought thunk? We should have a sponsorship, man. We've got to go after the big companies. Sponsored by McDonald's. No, Mick. That's the money. We're going to open Mac. Big Mac.

Big Mac. We'll call hers a large Mick. At Mac Donald's we're going to have a burger called the large Mick. The large Mick.

Fuck yeah. I love it, Ricky. Well, I think I might go to bed. I think I might wear this as a hat. I think I might go to McDonald's. You know what? I'm coming with you. I'm gonna eat, man. I'm craving quarter pounders now. And chicken mac and nuggets. No, we've got to start the new business. Today.

Look at this. If you were going to have a coronavirus party, this is how you would do it. Oh, yeah. Right? No, man. You look... different.

Feel great. He kind of looks like somebody. Who? Don't know. One of the Who somebody. Who? Don't know. One of the Who's from Whoville. Yeah, maybe that's it. Do I? I don't know.

It sounds good. I don't even know what the Whoville is. One of the Who's had a hat like this, didn't they? I don't know, man. Just... I feel like flexing. Julian, let's do a flex. No, man. Come on, both of us. Flex know, man. Just... I feel like flexing. Julian, let's do a flex. No, man.

Come on, both of us. Flexer, man. Boys, I might have to have a lay down. Yeah, I'm not far from there either. I might have to have a lay down. I think I might have a lay down. We're gonna get some delivery, bud. You guys finish her up, will ya?

Ah, fuck. Finish her up. No, don't. No, no, no, no, no. Don't, man. What's going on over there, fellas? Babs, get the... God, that is something.

Would you please stop? I wish the people at home could experience this. I'm gonna sleep on your couch, Ricky. Oh, man. I'm going to sleep right here. That means I have to go to bed. Jesus Christ, this is nice. Oh, baby.

You're really going for it, huh? That's it? Yeah, I'm done. Would you rather get mauled by Care Bears... Or what? Or assemble an entire warehouse of IKEA furniture? Care Bears, man. Care Bears!

That was a no-brainer. I'd love to get mauled. Care Bears, man. Care Bears. That was a no brainer. I'd love to get mauled by Care Bears, they're so soft. Care Bears, Care Bears. Would you rather maintain five different families while keeping them all secret from one another or your height fluctuates by three feet every day. Oh, height, for sure. I'd love to be three feet taller than three feet shorter.

One day you're six feet, the next day you're three. That would be fucked. Or like tomorrow I could be nine feet, and then like the next day I'd be down to two feet. Yeah, with a fucking concussion. I'd be down to two feet. Yeah, with a fucking concussion. I'd love to be two feet tall. On the days where I was two feet tall, I would do little person stuff.

Walk through little doors. Get on little tiny bikes. Would you rather change your... Then days where I was super tall, I would do tall person things. Like what? Pick apples? Pick apples. Pat giraffes. Would you rather change your name? In the days where I was super tall, I would do tall person things. Like what? Pick apples?

Pick apples. Pat giraffes. Play basketball. Would you rather change your name to Captain Assface or carry a drunk leprechaun in a front-facing baby backpack wherever you go? Oh, drunk leprechaun. No question. I'd head right to Ireland, too. Walk around Dublin letting them swear at people.

I can't do this anymore. All right. I'm done. I'm going to bed. Wake me up when you're back from McDonald's. I'll take a quarter pound of cheese, two large fries, and a 20-pack of McNuggets. Boom!

You got it. Care Bear. You got any money, bubs? Care Bear. Care Bear.