Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 50 - Bad Lucker Day

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Bubbles doesn't believe in all that Friday 13th bulls**t, so why is he nervous? Ricky has tips on dealing with one-night stands and strangely arranged breasts, and Julian discovers a real cat-dog! Also: The Coronavirus has f**ked up the Boys' plans to move to Italy... or has it?!

. Do you know there's fucking snakes in this thing? And crocodiles are in here with the turtles? Are they crocodiles or alligators? Looks like you're finding this game too easy, man. Well, I gotta get up to the other level here. Here we go. Boom, boom, boom. Watch out for the fucking killer whale

coming out your head. Get the fuck, fuck off. Ricky, I got someone on my piggy back. Look at this. Check this out. Boom. Got the flower. What does that mean?

Big points, buddy. Big fucking points, you. There's a fucking airplane coming in from the landing, man. Fuck off. Oh, man. Fuck off! Oh, fuck. Looks like it's coming right at you. Look what you did, man. Fuck off. Oh, man, see?

You suck at this game. You fucked up my rhythm. Oh, look who it is. Yeah, we were all ready for you and you didn't show up, so we're not doing that. You know they're rolling this, eh? it is. Saw you late, boys. Yeah, we were all ready for you, and you didn't show up, so we're not doing that. You know they're rolling this, eh? This is all underway.

Did you even fucking say hi? To what? The thing's happening. What thing's happening? What have you been doing? Chicken eyes. Perk after dark. He's playing the frog.

I'm addicted, man. Hi there. Boys, get the fuck up here. Fucking dick dip man. Hi there. Alright. Get the fuck up here. Fucking Jesus man, you can't just show up and demand shit like this. Ricky, you can't, you gotta notice when the goddamn cameras are rolling and you're on the fucking duty. I kinda noticed, I just didn't give a fuck. Fucking right. Come on Julian.

Just a second. Wrong. I was reading something here that I wanted to share with you guys. I can't remember what it was. What is that? Oh yeah. How many times has this happened? What? How to survive if you wake up next to someone and don't remember their name.

You ask them what their name is. What do you mean how to survive? It's not like really a life and death. It happens to people, man. It's happened to me. So's not like really a life and death. It happens to people, man. It's happened to me. So here's what you do. If you're at their place, do not panic.

Get up and go to the bathroom. Look through the medicine cabinet for prescription medicines with her name on the label. Or his name, depending. Or just fucking leave. Say hi. Sort through magazines

looking for subscription labels with name and address. Or get up and make them, the her, a fucking breakfast or something, man. Go through a wastebasket to find discarded junk mail addressed to her. Yeah, that's what you do. Get out and start creeping through their fucking medicine cabinet so that they call the police on you. People are fucked. And say there's a stranger in my house looking up my medicine. Then you return to the bedroom.

If she's awake, ask her to make coffee for you. Use the time alone to search the bedroom for evidence. Look for a wallet, checkbook, ID, or name bracelet. Who wrote this book, fucking Matlock? Scrapbook, business cards. Jessica Fletcher wrote the book. If she is sleeping, look for these and other items throughout the house.

All right, that's good. That's a good piece of news. Next thing, get out some rope. Sneak up behind them. If it's at your place, use terms of endearment when addressing her. Do not guess at her name. Acceptable terms of endearment are honey, sweetie, cutie, darling, baby, sugar.

Oh, yeah, that goes over big these days. Hey, sweetie. Hey, sweetie, fire me up a cup of coffee, would ya? Handsome and gorgeous. No, this book's outdated. That sounds like something that would happen in the 50s. Unless you are certain that you have ample time, do not go through her belongings.

If your partner is showering, you can count on having at least a few minutes of privacy to search through her belongings. Is this really in the book? Otherwise, do not risk it. Look at dude. He's in his fucking underwear. Looking at her shit.

Shuffling through her drawers while she's in the shower. Ask leading questions while making small talk. Fishing for information is risky and can backfire by calling attention to what you're trying to do. How do you spell your name? Is that with an A? Oh, this is how you trick them. While getting dressed dressed pull out your

own id and ask her if she thinks that your hair is better now or in the picture oh my fuck be on to you then laugh about how silly you used to look look at that crazy picture of me back then what all right we got to back this up so this means ask her if she ever had a nickname she might say no is this about a one-night stand? You wake up with a chick next to you. You don't know what the fuck happened? Ask her how she got her name. What does your name mean in Navajo?

If she is leaving, give her your business card and ask for hers. There's a lot. It's very romantic. There's a lot going on here. Thanks for all the banging. Here's my business card. If she does not have a business card, ask her to write her vital information on yours. Yeah, all sounds very normal. Very normal. She's not going to think you're a creep, Shaw.

After that one. This is how to... Oh. How to spot breast implants. Remember, if they look too good to be true, they probably are. Ricky. Who wrote this? Where did you get this book? Assess breast size and compare it with frame size. For what?

Why? Petite. Petite? Is that a word? Petite. Yeah, but why? That's small. What are you doing?

Petite women have naturally small breasts. Tell that to Dolly Parton. Yeah, but hers aren't real. Dolly Parton's boobs are real. Out of the gate, they were fucking big. Be suspicious of baseball-shaped breasts or strangely arranged breasts. Strangely arranged? That's a giveaway.

She's got one on her stomach and one on her sternum. Something's not right there. Check cleavage for rippling of the skin. Boy, after you read this book, you're gonna be a real popular fella. If appropriate, brush up against or hug someone with suspected breast implants. Hi. Hi, nice to meet you Oh, man, don't touch me get away from me man. Check under and around the breasts for scarring

Why are you doing this though? Like why is the what what is that? Who's that for survival book? What's it called? Give me some fucking answers here bubs the ultimate worst-case scenario survival handbook. This could save your life. Ricky, it's not even. Fuck. 19. Cocksuckers. 1989.

Fucking pricks. Assholes. That's fucked up, man. Fucking police. Why is it, Ricky? Oh, they're just tricking people. Fucking's fucked up, man. Fucking police. What is it, Ricky? Oh, they're just tricking people. Fucking sneaky little bastards. Wisconsin police warn recently bought meth may contain coronavirus.

They offer to test it for free. Yeah. So people brought their meth in. And get fucking arrested. Well, you know what? If you're dumb enough to bring your meth down to the police station and say, could you tell me if this has coronavirus in it? You probably don't.

It's not fair to the virus either because it doesn't have it. How to tell if you're dead. Are you kidding me? What the fuck? How to tell if you're dead. Are you kidding me? What the fuck how to tell if you're dead? Oh, I'd like to know I could be dead right now. Not even know it The grammar check. Okay, that's number one when people speak about you Note whether they do so in the present or past sense. Are you fucking kidding me? Like so I could be a ghost right now Are you fucking kidding me? So I could be a ghost right now? Ricky was a good guy, eh?

Ricky was a great fella. I miss him. Fucking awesome guy, man. Jesus, I miss him. Fuck, boys, maybe I'm dead. No. Do you hear something? You fucked up. Every now and then I think I hear something.

And I get a chill in my bones. Punch me in the face. It's like Ricky's right here with us. I sort of wonder what two was. Because the number one was fucked. If you get punched in the face. It's like Ricky's right here with us. I wonder what two was. Number one was fucked. If you get punched in the face and you feel it, you're not dead. There was a picture of a guy putting a fork through his hand. How to deal with someone welding a chair.

Or wielding. Wielding a chair, big difference. Yeah. Because if they're weldinging a chair, big difference. Yeah. Because if they're welding it, that's one thing. I was going to say, you wouldn't come across that situation. Thrust your hand towards the attacker's face. Doc can grab his closet ankle. His what?

Closest. His closest ankle. His ankle came out of the closet? Or grab a boulder or something, a big rock. Or grab the chair. Or fucking pull out your gun and shoot him in the face. There's another good one. Ricky, that's extreme.

I don't want to do that. All right, the kneecap, maybe. The kneecap. That'll take him down. That'd probably hurt. I thought you were trying to kill me with that chair. It's a kneecap. They'll take him down. That'd probably hurt. I thought you were trying to kill me with that chair. No, I was just moving it over there and you blew my fucking knee off.

Well? Boys, I got something wrong with my spine. You know why? Because it's Friday the 13th. Today is? Yep. No it isn't. It's the 12th, isn't it? Nope. Aw, don't tell me that, Randy.

Unless I could have been looking at next year's calendar. I don't know. No, it's Friday the 13th. Who cares, bubs? You should care, because bad shit could happen. I don't believe in any of that stuff, but this is one day that does get me a little... Why? A little nervous.

Just from the movie. I remember watching it for the first time when I was a little guy, and that cocksucker came through that door with that mask on. It still gives me shivers. So you have what they call Triska-Deka-phobia. What is it?

Triska-Deka-phobia. It's fear of the number 13, my friend. Triska-Neka-phobia. Deka. Deka. Dekaphobia. Don't correct me, okay? You're probably fucking it up. Probably.

Triska-dekaphobia. Yeah. I'm not scared of the number 13. I don't like it when it falls on a Friday. Well, that's what I didn't understand. 13 is always a lucky number. Or not a lucky. Is it a lucky number or unlucky?

Unlucky. That's why the hotel elevators don't have it? Some of them do. Oh, really? Some buildings have 13 floors. Those are built by people with common sense. And not crazy people that believe in superstitions. Well, I was trying to find out what the fuck it's all about.

And apparently, it has something to do with one of the last suppers. There was 13 people. One of the last suppers? Yeah. There's only one last supper. It's the last one, Ricky. Oh. Okay, well, I guess there was 13 people,

so now they sort of consider it unlucky. So next time you don't want to have 13 people at your dinner party. What the fuck is that? Sounded like an airplane landed out there. I don't think so. So yeah, something to do with that. And also, Friday's a bad lucker.

That's when Buddy there got nailed up on the cross. It's a bad lucker? Yeah. And what's the other oh that Eve fucker gave Adam the fucking poisonous apple

on a Friday they say who says this book I was reading and also Abe killed Adel

what what Abe K killed who? Adel. What's he talking about, man? Wasn't they famous brothers? Bubs.

What did we smoke, boys? I don't know. I think she's kicking in here. What the fuck? Anyway, he got killed. I can't know. I think she's kicking in here. What the fuck? Anyway, he got killed on Friday. I can't even listen to you anymore, man. He got killed on Friday, too. He was?

Did you say Abe killed Adel? I don't know, but there was famous brothers. More than got killed on Friday. It's a bad day. The famous... Oh, Jesus, man. I thought you were talking about Abe Lincoln for a minute. Could have been.

Then when you said Adel, I got hit with a big wave of weed. The weed we smoked, I think she just kicked in at that second, because that was... What were we talking about? Oh, fuck. Adel. I don't know. When is it?

Friday. Oh, because he said Holy fuck. Adel. I don't know. When is it? Friday. Oh, because he said Adel. Adel. And I thought, looked at this, and I thought ladle, and then I thought, that's not even a ladle. But why is it funny? It's not a ladle. It's a turkey bastard.

But is ladle a fucking name? That's what I want to know. It's not a turkey bastard, Ricky. Turkey baster. Basty-baste. Cain and Abel, Ricky, are their names. Cain and Abel. Were they brothers?

They were brothers, I believe. And he cut his heel off? No, that was a different guy, different part of the world, different story, different everything. I believe, if you're talking about Achilles, I think you're talking about Achilles. So who fucking killed who? Which one's still alive? I think Cain pushed Abel off of a high-rise condo or something.

That's not fucking very nice. What a way to go. Pretty sure Cain pushed Abel off. What do you think about it? He was trying to push him into the pool. They were partying, and he missed the pool, and he hit the... The rooftop pool? No, the pool was down below, and they were up there. Oh, so it was an accident.

They were on the 13th floor. He pushed him off the balcony and said, here, you'll go in the pool, and he hit the concrete and splattered. I wonder what he was thinking on the way down. Wow. I don't think I'm going to make it to the pool. Shitty. Splat.

Yeah, that's probably what he was thinking. I don't think I'm going to make the pool. I think I have clearly missed the pool misjudged it i might survive this though splat yeah no you don't survive 13 stories onto concrete unless you're in a cartoon you know what else you won't survive? Throwing fucking 25 kgs of dry ice into a pool. Do that. Why? See what happens.

It fucks you up. Killed a couple people. Who in the fucking right mind? Gotta say, I'm the life of the party. Who came up with that idea? And whoosh. 25 kgs? Yeah, man.

Killed two people. That doesn't seem like a lot. Fucking, that's a lot, man. Who did it kill? The people? There was people in the pool? I don't know. A bunch of Russians, man.

It was at this guy's birthday party. It was like a... So it was 25 KGBs. Yeah, the more than pounds. I thought they were like police guys. Not the KGB, man. 20 kilograms. If you threw 25 KGB officers in a pool, now that's different.

That would be dangerous. Very dangerous, especially if they're pissed off. If you threw 25 KGB officers in a pool, now that's different. That would be dangerous. Very dangerous, especially if they're pissed off. They start interrogating you then. Then you're in for it. So what happened? He threw dry ice in the pool. Was there people in the pool and it froze them to death? It might freeze you to death like fucking like Lando Calrissian.

They probably just breathed it in. Yeah, they were breathing the shit, but it kind of like there was like a bit of an explosion, I guess, or something. I don't think there'd be an explosion. There's nothing there to cause an explosion. Well, it's burst. If you threw it into a pot of fucking

boiling fat and she went over on the burner. Then you got a fire. Then you throw water on it. Yeah, it was mostly people coughing and choking and shit, you know, puking. Well, that would work because then you're inhaling fucking sub-zero particles. Yeah, you're fucked. And I think you basically reverse compost yourself.

That sucks. That would be a shitty thing. That's, I believe, the chemistry behind that. Would be. You froze your insides. Suffocation, man. Yeah. That's what it is.

Crystallized your fucking larynx. Crystallized your larynx. Well, that was fun. What a party. Yeah, we should do that. Boys, I'm off on a tangent here. You okay, bud? I don't know.

You'll be all right. You should smoke a joint. Bring it down a little bit. I've never understood that logic, Ricky. You smoke a joint to bring yourself down. Those different types. If you smoke like a hash joint, it'll bring you down. No, it makes you more high.

You're just high on hash now. It's a different buzz, it'll bring it down. No, it makes you more high. You're just high on hash now. It's a different buzz, man. Everybody knows that. Liquor sometimes, you're right, liquor sometimes does calm your nerves. Yeah. And so does hash. No, hash makes me, then I'm this high on weed and this high on hash. You're still up here.

How are your thoughts on the, uh, the Corolla virus these days? Well. It's kind of taken over. It's not getting much better, huh? It's a Corona virus, Ricky. I know. You said Corolla. Like a Toyota.

Toyota Corona? Toyota Corona. Now, you totally fucked it up. Anyway, I don't know. Is he fucking it up or not? I'm a little shocked. No, it's a Toyota Corona. That's a beer. And a virus.

A Toyota Corona is a beer? If you... Maybe. I don't fucking... We're not making any sense, boys. We're okay. We're okay. A Toyota is a car.

A Corona is a beer. A Corolla is a car. And a Corona is a virus. There's four things at play here. Okay. Got that sorted. I'm more confused than before. The Corona virus is what we were talking about. Okay, got that sorted. I'm more confused than before. The coronavirus is what we were talking about.

Okay, let's talk about it. I'm fucking a little afraid. I'm not gonna give a fuck about the stock market because I don't have any money anyway. But people are upset about it for some reason. Well, people are losing billions of dollars, Ricky. That's why. Well, they shouldn't have had billions of dollars and they wouldn't be so stressed out. Correct. Like the stock market, I don't have had billions of dollars, and they wouldn't be so stressed out. Correct. Like the stock market, I don't give two fucks. As long as I can get some canned tuna and some cat treats,

I don't give a fuck about the S&P 500, whatever that is. I don't think you can get me. As long as you just get drunk enough high enough, I don't think the virus will be like, okay, I can't do anything with this body. See that, now you're spreading misinformation. There's no indication that liquor or booze or drugs will beat the coronavirus. I heard if you get drunk as fuck on Tito's

and you smear it all over your body, you're good. Who told you that? Well, see, there could be a theory to that, because alcohol is what's in Purell that people are lathering themselves in. But if you're gonna do that, you just might as well get straight rubbing alcohol. Pour it on your hands.

You gotta get under your nae-naes. Get under there. You could be flammable, though. Well, it evaporates pretty quick, Ricky. I might do that later. I might fill the tub with rubbing alcohol and just get in. Just don't do that. Just drink more of that, man. That stuff will keep it away. What if it goes in different places?

Like where, Ricky? Your woohoo and your wang. Why don't you just say your ass and your pisshole? What's your piss hole? What's your woohoo? If that's not your wang, what is it? I would have thought that was your wang. Somewhere where this would probably fit.

Well, that'll fit in a lot of places, Ricky. Underwater? Underwater? Oh boy. Oh boy. Fuck man. Alright, you know what? I'm not even gonna talk anymore. That's one good thing I have going for Miss Marguerite, that I'm too dumb to get the virus. Whatever that means.

No, there's no such thing as too dumb to get a virus. She said that all the dumb people over in Italy didn't get it. That's not true. Italy's the whole country's in fucking lockdown. They're locked down, man. 80 million people are locked down and quarantined. That's a big deal. I guess all the people dying, they were pretty smart.

You know what it's from? You know what it's from? What? It's the double kiss. The what? They don't shake their hands to kiss you, man. They don't peck, peck. But do they do the air kiss or the actual touchy kiss?

That's why everybody's got it, man. They're double kissing each other. It's fucking weird. Double kissing. They shouldn't do it. And they eat a lot of pasta and bread. Is that where it lives? Maybe there's some kind of a correlation.

I don't know. I'm just doing what they call hypothesizing. And wine. Wine. They do drink a lot of wine. So that might... That's an alcohol. So...

Well, I guess that fucks up our, you know, we were going to buy a town and move to Italy. I guess that's not... Fuck that. Fuck that. We might as well stay right here. I guess we'll be able to get it cheaper now. Well, it was only about eight bucks, Julian.

Well, yeah, we'll still save a bit of money. Houses are going for eight bucks. I don't think you're gonna get them much cheaper because they got a coronavirus in them. Maybe. They'll work for less. I'll give you two for it. Bob, if you want an electrician, he's got coronavirus.

Believe me, he'll work for like half the amount of... Why would you hire an electrician with the coronavirus? Because everybody's getting it. They're not working, obviously. There's plenty of electricians that don't have the coronavirus. Bring them to our town. All the tradesmen, pavers, everything. To our little town. This is how we're gonna fucking get this town on the go, man. Buy for eight bucks, probably four bucks now.

Yeah, but then it's all your wiring's got electrical coronavirus. Then you spray the shit out of it, man. You get fucking, I don't know, spray the hell out of everything. And then you turn it on and the wires heat up and maybe you make a super virus. Here's what you do. No, man. You buy the town, insure it, burn the fucking thing to the ground. That's another one.

Get all the permits in order and then burn it. That's what they did with Rome. Ricky, that's not what happened to Rome. They didn't insure it and then burn it down. Insurance scam. No, that definitely wasn't an insurance scam. You thought insurance scam is what burned down Rome? I don't know.

I might have fucked that up. I don't think so. Maybe. It'd be quite a I might have fucked that up. I don't think so. Maybe. It'd be quite a scam if they found that out. They found some old parchment documents. Oh, my fuck. This was just a big insurance play by Caesar and his fellas. It's probably the very first one.

The very first insurance scam was perpetrated by Brutus, right before he killed Caesar. He was running and he probably was, you know... Was Brutus the heavy guy? That's Brutus the beefcake, Ricky. Different fella. Well, speaking of shoving stuff in your rectum, Well, speaking of shoving stuff in your rectum, don't insert frozen potatoes to cure your hemorrhoids. It doesn't work.

Please tell me you read that and there's not one up there right now. Not anymore. It doesn't work. So you did it. You put a frozen potato up your... Let's get this on the table right now. It was one of the little baby potatoes, and I just wanted to see what it felt like.

So you don't even have hemorrhoids? No. Why would you do that, man? Aren't you curious now that I told you about it? Not, like, even a little bit. All right. Maybe we shouldn't talk about this then. Well, it's too late now, Rick.

He already told me you put a frozen potato up your ass. Well, it said that if you did this, it would help with those things. I don't know much about this thing. Well, it's too late now, Ricky. You already told me you put a frozen potato up your ass. Well, it said that if you did this, it would help with those things. I don't know much about that stuff. They're called something else, too, not just those, but I forget what it is.

Anyway, it doesn't work. What are called? It doesn't work, so don't do it. Hemorrhoids? Skin danglers, they're called. Nope. Nope. Not a flute.

Itch danglers. Itch danglers. Dch, itch danglers. Dangle itchers. Shit danglers. That's something else, isn't it? Emroids, man. Roids.

You got the roids. You're on roids? Pops, man. You're fucked. Get it? Yeah. Different type of roids. Oh, did you see that fucking cat-dog hybrid? No, man.

Viet-Name? Ricky, don't tell me there's a cat-dog hybrid. Well, it looks like it, I guess, but it may not be. But it's a fucking weird-looking dog, looks like a cat, but he's a dog with short, stumpy little legs. It's not a cat-dog hybrid. It's just a fucked-up dog. Or is it a fucked-up cat? People say it's a dog with short, stumpy little legs. It's not a cat-dog hybrid. It's just a fucked-up dog.

Or is it a fucked-up cat? People say it's a dog that looks like a cat. It might be a cat that looks like a dog. It could be, but it's not a hybrid. You can't... I don't believe there can be a cross between... Although I did see a... Could have been an artificial investigation.

Oh, man. There's people out there that would probably do that. I did see... I saw a chihuahua and a Great Dane. Holy fuck. A chihuahua-Great Dane mix I saw one time. His body was only about that big, and his fucking legs were that long.

That'd be... He was walking like that. That'd be fucked. Little body. Fuck. I wonder how they did it. I don't know. He was fucked looking. He's a nice little dog.

Look at these little fuckers. I don't know. Kind of cute. What is it? It's a dog cat. No. Don't want to see it. look how cute that little fucker is. You're afraid he might like it more than a cat? Look at this little fucker. Look at him.

Yeah, he's fucking easy. Look, you'd kick that little fucker out of your shed. Would you? I don't like him. Well, he's a fuck of a lot smarter than a dumb cat. He could play with you and stuff. He's fucked up, man. Ricky, I'd fucking, I'd put my cats up against you

any day of the week. For what, playing with each other? No, for smart stuff. If they woke up next to a person, they'd know how to get the fuck out of there without rooting through their medicine cabinet, I'll tell you that. A cat can't even count.

A dog can. Cats can count to a thousand. Alright, well I guess you're smarter than I am. I've had several cats that can count to a thousand. Come on. That's fucking... He's fairly cute. But I need to know what type of fur is on him.

Is he coarse or is he soft? No, he looks soft, man. What do you mean coarse? He could be like a bristly old brush. Dirty old fucking sink brush and you don't want to be having him around. I think that I would like to, uh, if we're playing person, favorite person of the week, I'd like to nominate this guy from Louisiana. Are we playing favorite person of the week? I didn't know. We could be. Okay, who is it?

He got pulled over and his license plate expired in 1997. That's awesome. That's fucking amazing. 23 years. And his excuse was, I've been busy. See, I don't disagree with him. There's been things I've been meaning to do for 20 or 25 years. And his excuse was, I've been busy. Right. See, I don't disagree with him.

There's been things I've been meaning to do for 20 or 25 years that I've been just too busy to get at. Like what? Just different things. Different things. So it just shows you. I mean, how much money would he have spent in years? I've been meaning to get a new pair of boots. I haven't done that yet.

A couple hundred bucks a year over 28 years. That's a lot of money to save. I gotta use it. One or two, because you're not doing it in here. Do you have a piss jug, Ricky, or should we just shut her down? Yeah, I got a piss jug. I just use that thermos. Ricky, that's your drinking thermos.

I could wash it. I'm not pissing in your... Use it. Go wash it. I'm not pissing in your... Go for it. I'm not pissing in your thermos. You offered it up. I'll just go piss in the toilet. I just thought, you know. Yeah, you could do that. It's rude, man. Use his thermos.

Oh, boy. Well, I guess that's it, is it? Yeah. I'm playing Frogger, bud. Fuck this. Hope that ghetto blast doesn't fall on your head and kill you. What do you mean? It's Friday the 13th. No, man, it's not going anywhere.

I guess that's it.