Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 51 - 99 Joints High

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

Get ready for a train wreck - Ricky's so high he's speaking French! He's also got an idea for a new business - watch the f**k out, playground bullies! Also: Cock growers, the worst/best/worst funeral ever, and bornting a baby at a Metallica gig!

91 bottles of joints. 91 bottles of joints. Ricky. 99. You know what? I didn't think you could do it, but I thought, no, there's no way. Do you want any more of this, Pops? Ricky, no.

I tapped out about 15 joints ago. I think I've had this happen as well. But I don't think, no, I don't think Wayne Gretzky fucking picked this number because of the 99 joints on the wall. Definitely not. No. How many did you smoke what did you get up to it's crazy in here it's crazy it's crazy wow man okay welcome guess what, in case you forgot. What?

It's Friday the 13th. It's time to get a little crazy. Fuck. Right on, man. And it's the only time this year. Really? Sometimes you get multiple. This year, only one.

So it has to be a crazy, crazy May. You're not going to dress up as Jason again, are you? You know, man. It's fun to scare people. You know he's fucking going to scare people. It's fun to walk around the city with a fucking mask and an axe. Until the cops roll up. Machete.

Machete? Machete. It was a machete. Richard. Were you talking French? Oui. Yeah. Maybe. Where did I imagine that? I thought you were just talking fluent French. Je parle un petit peu de français. Whoa, what the fuck, man? Ricky, where did that come from? Mo's been teaching me a little bit.

Do you know what that means, what you just said there? I speak a little bit of French. I think that's what it was, man. I think that was accurate. Oh, man. I'm not good at English, but French, not bad. Finding it much easier to learn. Imagine if he just starts talking fucking French, like speaking French, and that's it.

Apparently with the right drugs, you can do that. Wow, man. How can you find it easier to learn French than English? That's a good question. I'll have to ask my brain later. Do you think you could write French words and shit? No. No, the French writing is tough. What about reading it?

A little bit. No, you can't. A little bit, not much. It's a complicated language. They've got, like, masculine and feminine shit going on. English is a joke. Just I never learned it properly. It's not.

I mean, you don't have it down 100%, but. If I went back to school now, I bet you I would kick ass. I don't think so, man. What, like grade two? I bet you I could start in four or five. Four or five. Okay. You think you'd kick ass in grade 5?

I would blow the doors off the school I bet Who the fuck is this kid? He should be in universally How about maybe starting in grade 7? Like 7 is a little bit better At least it's junior high school Grade 5

Let's go for the big trees grade eight let's get them into grade eight online courses though right no go right to school and I'm going to be a bully you can't shove around grade five

no no grade eight you're not going to grade eight you can't shove around grade 5s. No, no, grade 8. You're not going to grade 8. You can't push around guys in grade 8. Oh, well, if they fuck with me, I'd fuck with them. That's all. I'd let them start it. You know what? I'm going to be a bully to the bullies.

All right. You want to fuck with any of these great ears? Let's go there, smartass. And if you go there, you're sticking up for them. Totally, man. I guess that's what I meant. I'm not going to get in fights

with little fucking great eaters. Be an actual bully, that would be me. So you're going to, yeah, bully the bullies. Yep. Like Snoop Dogg did. I should start a new business. If you're getting bullied, call me. Now you're thinking.

What would that business be called? Pay me to scare the fuck out of your bully. It might be a bit long. It might be long. It might be a bit long. Maybe it's like the bully... The bully buster? Bully busters. Bully busters.

Bully Nazis. We could start a business, Buzz. Bully busters. Let's be the bully busters. The three of us could go out. All right. We need shirts. What are we talking about?

Did we start a business called the Bully Busters? Yes, but you know what we do? We go to the parents and say, hey, look, we heard your kid's been getting bullied. Do you want us to take care of it? We're the Bully Busters. No, because you don't ask permission. Oh, okay. I'm trying to make money on this stuff.

Yeah, yeah. No, you could just do it. You'd be like 50 bucks a bully. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, the kid's got to pay or they're going to have to deal with the consequences. That's what I'm saying. You go to the fucking... Well, then you're bullying them, Ricky.

You call us. We're working to get rid of, take care of a problem. Yeah, but... Bullying. But Ricky said he better pay up or else. Well, yeah, if you want to fucking sign us up, we got to get paid. Yeah, but Jesus, Murphy. You can't bully them into it.

I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. This was an interesting thing. You know that Nespresso? Yes. Big coffee place? Uh-huh. You know that Nespresso? Yes. Big coffee place?

Uh-huh. Well, the workers at a Nespresso warehouse in western Switzerland found 500 kilograms of cocaine. It was the unloaded coffee beans that arrived by train. Jesus, somebody forgot to tell the workers not to open the special shipment. So, like, is Clooney and all those, Danny DeVito and all those guys, are they cocaine dealers? No, Ricky, they would just be on the commercials. They don't own the company. They said that's worth 50 million fucking dollars.

That's a lot of money. 50 million dollars worth of cocaine. You can riddle me this. Is that, is that $100,000 per kilo? That seems, like, expensive. Although, I guess it is over in Europe. I don't know what a kilo of cocaine would cost, but it would be a lot. The last one I bought was only $80,000.

When did you buy a kilo of cocaine? I'm just joking. I fucking don't have $80,000 anyway. Johnny Depp in Blow. Remember that movie? Yeah. What was his name? Boston George.

That guy. The real Boston George wants to meet us. Boston George. What? Yep. Who told you that? He's out of jail. He's a big fan.

Boston George. Mm-hmm. He knows our show. He loves it. Are you kidding me? I shit you not. Who told you that, Ricky? That's impossible for you to know that.

One of his friends lives in California now. Boston, Georgia's friend. Yep. We could get some serious fucking advice from a guy like that. You know what I'm saying? He spent most of his life in jail. And he made a lot of mistakes, but he also made a lot of things that were fucking good decisions. He did have, remember that scene where he's in his apartment and they're just walking through pallets of cash?

See, that would be, that's it. You're done. Yeah. You get to the point where you're just weighing money and not counting anymore. You're doing pretty good. Oh, yeah. If you're weighing your money instead of counting it. You should have stuck with the weed. There's counting it. You should have stuck with the weed.

There's a new... He should have stuck with the weed. Was he doing weed? Yeah, he started off with weed and he was doing great. The title of coolest kid has been shifted to a new little kid. Oh? How badass is this? This woman gives birth at a Metallica concert.

As band plays, enter sandman they named the kid sandy down in brazil no i don't think so down it was down in brazil they only had three songs left she's like this i ain't leaving contractions are getting worse and worse her plan was to listen to the last song getting an ambulance called hospital but she didn't make it whoa baby right there at the metallica show yeah didn't make it. Whoa. Had the fucking baby right there. At the Metallica show. Yeah, that kid is probably the coolest kid in the world. Where were you born?

At a fucking Metallica show? Fuck you! In what, like in a stadium? Oh, they probably don't play it. Yeah, so a lot of concrete. It might be an outdoor festival. Okay. Not the greatest fucking place

to have a baby. Well, out in nature. Imagine you're hearing this muffled... Maybe people puking everywhere above you. Where's that coming from? You fucking poke your head out.

Call me, fuck. There's a whole new world out here. What's that wicked music? Is that the baby asking that? I don't know, man. I don't think so. I don't think that would happen.

If you had a baby talk, you wouldn't understand. That's what he'd be thinking. He wouldn't, Ricky. If he was five seconds old, he's not looking at the band going, fuck, they're quite good. Well, I bet he didn't come out crying. Probably came out fucking devil horns in the air. Oh, man. No, maybe. Imagine if your baby came out air. Oh, man. No, maybe.

Imagine if your baby came out like, fuck yeah. That does happen. I'm here, motherfuckers. Not for like rock and roll, though. They just come out and their hands are like, you know, like aliens. What? Maybe, you know. Oh, okay.

One of those. I don't know man well okay I don't okay cool she had a baby in a Metallica concert just a cool place

to get born but I thought the story was he got a cool name no I don't even know what I was talking about they must have called him

cool person Sandy or what's the now what about Lurse well yeah I was talking about. They must have called him... Cool part I fucked up. Sandy. Or... What's the... Now. What about Lars? Well, yeah, they could have named him after one of the, you know, Kirk Hammett.

They could have named him Kirk Hammett. Hey, Kirk Hammett. One word, Kirk Hammett. There was a sheriff. Or they could name him one word, Lars Alrick. Come here, Lars Alrick. There was a sheriff's officer in Georgia. He was charged with selling prescription pills out of his patrol car.

Oxy. Making a couple extra hoo-haws on the needle now. Making a couple extra hoo-haws on the needle now. Sheriff was pretty embarrassed by that one. Who was? Sheriff, man. One of his officers would be dealing drugs out of his fucking patrol car. That's pretty fucked.

See, I should have become a sheriff. I could do that. There's no way you could. There's probably frowning. No way, man. Yeah. I bet the judge wouldn't be too happy with you. What the fuck were you thinking, son?

What are you thinking going up against Sheriff Titch Jackson? I thought this was going to be a great story, but it didn't have a very good ending. Dead woman Peru knocked on coffin at her funeral. She was being carried away. She wasn't dead? She wasn't dead, man. She was in a bad car crash.

They opened the coffin, and she was sweating and going, gasping for air. Oh, yeah. And they took her to the hospital, put her on life support, and she died three hours later. Oh, for fuck's sake. I know, see? She died.

I was like, oh, this is wicked. Oh, fuck. How long was she in the coffin? I'd say a while. So they suffocated her to death. That's what it sounds like to me. They fucking killed her. Oh, Jesus, that poor lady.

Oh, my God. They put her in a coffin and she wasn't dead i know then you try to think about the timeline you're like okay so everyone's at the funeral then she's not dead goes to the hospital everyone goes home and she is like everybody come back made a mistake yeah she's dead for real she woke up she's dead she was alive when she sprung up out of the coffin. Oh, my God. Before you put someone in a coffin, you have to make sure. You got to do it by science, not just looking at them going, oh, it looks like dirt.

All these two other ones, they died. She's dead. What a rollercoaster of emotions for the family. Oh, man. Oh, my God. She's dead. Oh, she's alive. Oh, fuck.

No, she's dead again. God damn it. What a shitty day. It was a great God damn it. What a shitty day. It was a great day, then it was a shitty day. Then it was great again, and now it's fucked. Yeah. Friday the 13th. That's too much, man.

That's terrible. Poor lady. Well, at least she got a few more hours. But, yeah, it is. But, I mean, up until she woke up In that box That wouldn't have been A good time It was probably a shitty

Few extra hours She wakes up gasping I'm in a coffin Oh Ricky She didn't wake up And like have Fucking pizza And a beer

And relax No She was obviously You know Trying to stay alive For those few hours As fuck she could Hold her breath for a while. Well, she would have been breathing carbon dioxide in the coffin.

That's the problem. Basically the same as, you know, when people off themselves with the, turning the car on in the garage. You're breathing carbon monoxide. Yeah, that's true. Or no, I guess in your coffin it would be carbon dioxide. Yeah. And methane. Carbon dioxide. Yeah. And methane. Methane.

Methane. Nice word, man. You're right. If you're in there shitting yourself. Good chance that was happening. Or is that just cows? No. Everyone, man.

Oh, yeah. We used to light our farts on fire. I forgot about that. Yeah. You almost blew your ass off, Julian. It was lots of fun. You almost blew your ass off Julian It was lots of fun You almost blew your ass Right off

Remember Yeah That was a little bit Too much Chimichangas Chimichangas And lots of moonshine And there was a gas can

Sitting next to you I believe The gas vapors Is what blew Not your ass Yeah Well we'll never know Bubs You remember Malcolm McDonald I think we talked about him Before The guy that grew the penis the gas vapors is what blew, not your heart. Yeah. Well, we'll never know, buds.

You remember Malcolm McDonald? I think we talked about him before, the guy that grew the penis on his arm. Is that still happening? No. He's finally got it put in place, and he asked Kate Beckinsale out on a date. What did she say?

I bet you she might do it, because she might do it just for a laugh. She's funny. Like all the plumbing and stuff works. Everything's like. Well, his cock fell off because he had an infection. So the doctor just made a new one. And they had to attach it to his arm so that.

His body would. Yeah. It was just hanging there. So he had a cock in his arm for fucking six years because of COVID and all these lockdowns. I guess she would do anything. But she commented that, you know, made her laugh or brightened her day or something. Because he put on long sleeve shirts and the little tip would be peeking out. His knob would be dangling out the sleeve.

So he's like, yep, how about we go on a date? I got my equipments in place. I'm ready for action. Oh, you know me. I'm old Johnny Cocker. You know me, cake packer. Just don't tug on it too hard. Yeah.

Fucking keep in mind what happened. Don't pull it. The stitches might come out. She might come right off. I wonder if they gave him like a fucking good size one at least. We're going to go through that whole procedure. if they gave him like a fucking good size one at least, we're going to go through that whole procedure.

You would think he'd be able to order a, you know, extra large or combo jumbo size. If I was Kate, I'd just want to maybe have a look at it, feel it out. I wonder if he went into them and said, look, can you give me, let's go overboard. Give me like a fucking 20 inch. My fucking cock fell off. Okay. If we're going to fix this, like, let's go overboard. Give me like a fucking 20-inch. My fucking cock fell off, okay? If we're going to fix this, like, let's go. Give me a 20-incher.

Just make it ridiculous. I don't know if you want it that big. Then people would be afraid of it. Unless it'd be like down to here. You could not wear anything, man. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't want to grow a 20-incher on your forehead. No.

Because if I point it like that over there, it would smack. Eight or nine would be nice. Okay. Start growing one, man. There's got to be a place where they can steal one for you. I'm surprised that they're not growing more cocks on arms. Maybe you could be one of those dudes that gets paid to do that. I would. Fuck. How much would you pay me? A hundred grand? I'd grow a cock on my gets paid to do that. I would.

Fuck. How much would you pay me? A hundred grand? I'd grow a cock in my arm for a hundred grand. No problem. Oh, fuck. People would buy a cock for fucking. No.

Ten grand. Mm-hmm. How long would it take? Six years. Boys. No, no, no. No, no. You're thinking, if you're like a fucking multimillionaire, you're paying like top dollar for a cock.

If you want one especially a nice car if you had a million dollars you're forking on at least 700 000 for one really yes i'd definitely grow multiple cocks on multiple places for 700 grand how many can grow on you two arms and two legs there's four Can you imagine that? Two arms and two legs. There's four. You might be able to fit a few more, man.

Lots of space on your back. You could fit two per arm. Imagine you could get 20 cocks on your body. Whoa. That is a... You're talking... That's retirement money, man. Money vault. One fucking shift.

Yeah. Six years. Okay. The man with 20 cocks. you remember the movie office there's a movie i'd watch remember the movie office space yes do you remember the cover the guy covered in sticky notes i just pictured that same thing cocks and money coming off of him. It'd be a much better movie. You can go on some really weird dates. Well, yeah. Especially if there was somebody growing vaginas. Which one do you want to suck?

Be a rom-com, man. Yeah, that'd be a great rom-com. Yeah. Guy who grows cocks on his body to make extra money. Fucking do the math. When we have to pluck these cocks off me, do the fucking math. You got six years to fucking hang out with me.

It's a lot of fucking operations, I guess. But that could be the rom-com. A man who grows cocks on his body to make ends meet. Falls in love with this chick. This lady who grows vaginas on herself to make money. And they bump into each other at the grocery store, but they, you know...

Everything gets tangled up. Yeah. They get... Everything just lines up perfectly. It goes from being a rom-com to a full-on fucking porn. No, it's all in how you shoot it. You just shoot it.

She's covered in... You see them and they trip and the camera pans away. And then nothing's exposed. Everything's just filled in. And then you hear, oh, my God, everything lined right up perfectly. What are the chances? Yeah, just like those connectors.

Like a Lego. Exactly. Okay. All right. No, I don't know. I think, I don't know. I think we tame it down a bit. That's where the money's at.

Okay, then. I wonder if you can do any design, put a little hook in it. You want a hook? Like buy auctions? Like a curve? I want a hook. Do you mean a curve or a full-on hook? I'd like it bent up near the end.

Ah. What? What? on fuck. I'd like to bend up near the end. Ah! What? Why, Ricky? It would do some good things. Oh, my God. How would you get them to put a bend in it right at the end, point and a half?

I'm not sure you can, like, pay for options on these things man i think you just you grow them you take it yeah so you know how you say that i have the patients or the no patients or impatience what's it called impatient yes well there's a guy in chicago You're impatient, yes. Well, there's a guy in Chicago. Yes. What about him? He's got less patience than me.

Okay. I'm trying to be patient right now, man. Holy fuck. I just need a drink. Okay, have a drink. Wheels are coming off. The wheels are coming off. Wheels are coming right off her.

Yeah, what happened there? Okay, I'm good again. It's probably this. Oh, yeah. I forgot about the THC popcorn. Are you serious? I ate my whole bowl. I know, man.

I knew it about 15 minutes ago. It's far the fucking 13th. This fucking chap. Have a drink, man. I can't wait to hear about this chap. Where is he from again? Okay, I'm a drink. Have a drink, man. I can't wait to hear about this chap. Where is he from again? Okay, I'm good again. I don't know why I called him a chap.

Because he's from England, isn't he? No, San Francisco. Well, he was flying from San Francisco to Chicago anyway. Okay. He was so fucking impatient that he took off the emergency exit in aisle 21. As the plane's taxiing to the gate, he goes out of the wing and jumps off. What the fuck? Because he couldn't.

The flight was 20 minutes late. Oh, my God. He's a badass. What a fucking tool. Yeah, he was on something. I don't think I'd have the balls to do that, but fuck, now that I know he can be done. You're not doing that. He would have went and got arrested.

Unfortunately, he did. For a long time. Yeah, he did get into some trouble. You can't jump out of a moving airplane. But fuck, he got off a lot faster than he normally would. Yeah, but he didn't get to go. He didn't go to his destination. I guarantee you he got arrested.

No, if he was late for something, he was extra late after that. Well, yeah. What did he think was going to happen? He was just going to walk into the terminal and get his bag? I think he could just, well, the fucking flight was late. I was late. I had to go. Pretty good excuse.

All right. Hey, we're back. We're back. Oh, yeah. And just so you guys know, this is how you tell if it's going to be a Friday the 13th month. It's whenever the month starts on a Sunday. Boom! Boom!

Whenever the month starts on a Sunday, it gonna be Friday the 13th. You got it cowboy. Alright. Thank you cowboy. Whenever the month starts on a Sunday. Friday the 13th. Two weeks in. It's not quite two weeks. No. What instrument were you playing, Ricky? He's right. I don't know what's going on. What were you playing there? I don't usually get this fucked up.

I ate too much popcorn. Well, you had how many joints? 91 bottles of joints. Yeah. 91 bottles. So, no. You forgot about that. Or no, eight. Oh, you started counting down.

99. Oh, I thought you were counting. Okay, so you had nine joints. In about an hour and a half. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. You ought to be a little... What the fuck has happened here

Train wreck Train wreck Train wreck That's awesome man Thank fuck A lot of people got burnt on the 13th of the May Jason Voorhees Yes

What? I don't know No that's when he did his killing. Joe Louis. Fuck, I love those. Those kicks? That's a different Joe Louis. Oh.

That's a boxer. Oh, yeah, there's a boxer guy. Joseph Louis. B. Arthur. B. Arthur. Yep. That's Maude. It is Maude.

Jim Jones. All that dirty cussing. Oh, he was that crazy fuck that made people drink the Kool-Aid, wasn't he? Yes, he was. It wasn't even Kool-Aid. Fuck, fuck. It was fucking no-name brand Kool-Aid. Oh, he was that crazy fuck that made people drink the Kool-Aid, wasn't he? Yes, he was. It wasn't even Kool-Aid. He was a fuck fucker. It was fucking no-name brand Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah.

Garbage Kool-Aid. Fucking shitty. Next one will give Julian a little... Cyanide. Next one's going to give Julian a little boner. Great. Tom Zalek. Different boner.

Harvey Keitel. Oh, the bad lieutenant. He's a good fucking actor, man. Harvey Keitel. Oh, the bad lieutenant. He's a good fucking actor, man. Harvey Keitel, yes. Richie Valens. Ooh. This is, 13th of May is a big fucking day.

It's a big fucking day. We're going to listen to some La Bamba tonight. Magic dick. Magic dick. Magic Dick. What the fuck is that? American Harmonica. Mer-her-monica. Ooh.

Harmonica player. Fer-mer-me-da-spe-you. Magic Dick. Jake Osmond. Magic Dick. Wow. There's no harmonica in my party. Magic Dick. Jake Osmond. Magic Dick. Wow. That's not a remarker. No.

That's not a remarker? No, man. I don't think so. Okay, well, I don't know. Stevie Wonder. You can listen to some of that shit tonight. Let's listen to some. I'll go deep into Stevie tonight.

That didn't come out right. No, it didn deep into Stevie tonight. That didn't come out right. No, it didn't, bubs. That didn't come out right. I didn't mean deep into Stevie. Into Stevie's music is what I meant. Danny Kerwin. Fleetwood Mac albatross. Who?

Danny Kerwin. Who's he? He's a British musician, singer, and songwriter. Fleetwood Mac. That's all I got for you. Wow. Bubz, are you stumped here, man, or something? Maybe.

I don't know. With Stevie Nicks, we would know for sure. Stevie Nicks, Lindsey, Buckingham, Meck, Fleetwood. Maybe he's got the bass by bass players. I don't know. Dennis Rodman. We met that crazy guy. We got to know him for an afternoon. He's fucking tall.

He is tall. He's a tall man. He's a big lad. He's a badass. You know what I just thought of? What, man? Him and Pete Davidson have a similar look.

You're going to have to do me some comparison photos for that one. I think they have a similar look. Obviously, you know, Pete Dav- they're different colours, I know, but if you think about their faces, maybe it's the lips. It's definitely not the nose. It's the lips. They have similar mouths. I can't even get into this, man. Lips side by side. That's a good song lyric. Darius Rucker.

Hootie and the Blowfish. Now he's a country dude, isn't he? Yes, Hootie and the Cuddlefish now. Buckethead. Buckethead. Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket on his head, playing the guitar. Daryl Sedor, NHL player, and Robert Pattinson. Isn't he the Batman?

Robert Pattinson. We met him here. What? Or I did. I met him here. Did you? Yes, I did. Robert Pattinson.

He was here making a movie, and i got uh got on the lecker with him one night you goddamn little fucker i don't know where you guys were but i was having well i'm a little jealous right he wasn't batman at the time though he became batman he was remember they made the movie here the The Lighthouse? Yeah. He was in that movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Willem Dafoe.

Willem Dafoe. And older guy. Charlie Howie Meeker. No, that's not. That's a hockey player, man. I know who Howie Meeker is. He knows Peter Pock Peter Pockinator Peter Pocklington

I think I'm done Really? Yeah man Went in hard and ended easy No I'm still I'm on a wave Like about to hit another wave A smiling wave

So I need to be prepared for this. Let's go surfing, motherfucker. In order to get some big waves, we need more drug-a-loos. Drug-a-loos. Oh, man. The last... I think, you know what?

We might be getting too high. No. No. No, man. The last... I think, you know what? We might be getting too high. No. No. No, man. I don't think people are going to like it. No. What do you mean? What's not to like?

They might just look at it and go, they're too fucked. They can't watch this. No, man. They don't give a fuck. Well, they've seen you high, man. I wonder how much time... You're assuming that people watch it.

I wonder how much time this has been. It's time to go. It's right in the pocket of around 30 minutes, I think. Are you sure? No idea. Yeah. I could believe you could convince me we've been here five minutes or three hours. It's been 30 minutes.

It's time to go. Say goodbye. It's two. To you guys or to them? There's a good question. Are you guys going somewhere? Oh, man. I'm not going anywhere, Ricky.

Where are you going? All right, well, then we'll say goodbye to these people. And we're going to listen to some Darius Rucker. No, we're not. All right,arius Rucker. No we're not. All right Fleetwood Mac. You know what, it feels like- Stevie Wonder, let's go with Stevie. Fuckin' love Stevie.

And you should put on something nice. I'm going to and it feels like we're on the friendly giant the way he said goodbye. Just say goodbye, Pops. This is getting ridiculous. Just say goodbye, Pops. This is getting ridiculous. Say goodbye, I'll be leaving in the morning. To see the video version of Park After Dark in Ricky's trailer, go to SwearNet.com or download the Trailer Park Boys SwearNet app.