Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 51 - CockRoot

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Bite into an Impossible Burger and take a swig of Three-Cock Liquor! Park After Dark gets you learnt on f**ked-up animal news, even more f**ked-up alcoholic drinks, and a PSA from the boys about Important Sh*t! Also: Hot Or Not with Julian! From the LIVE broadcast on Friday, May the 14, 2021.

Hey, welcome to Pack After. Hey, what's going on boys? Good to see you guys. Good to see you too, Julian. Welcome. We did not... It's May the 14th. We have not been on the air or already doing this for five minutes. No, and I have not been eating a burger that's not a burger. No, and nobody forgot to press record either. Perfect. Perfect. That's fixed. Man, let's keep going, bud.

Bunch of crazy shit went down this week. Like what, Ricky? Like what? This is going to be a good day. We've got some stories. We're going to get learned on some shit. We're going to talk about some fucked up shit. It's going to be a good one.

Good, man, because I need... Get right into it. Alright, did you hear about that fucking Florida guy that the man was walking his dog? Fucking alligators just came out of the goddamn pond and snatched his dog and took it in the water.

And the fucking owner was like, fuck you. Went in and fought this nine foot alligator poked his thumb right in the goddamn eye and the gator released the dog they both needed stitches but they were okay is that a different one than we already talked about yeah man this just happened we talked the same thing happened like a month ago, man. Well, this was a new one. It was fucking. What kind of dog was it?

It was a pretty big dog. Yeah, the last one was just a little dog. Oh, no, this was a big fucking dog. And it was a nine fucking foot alligator. Jesus Christ, man. That takes some balls to jump in the water. I mean, I guess you'd be pretty attached to your dog, but. Fuck. I don't know, man.

I mean, I've always wanted to fight an alligator, but... I don't know. I don't know about a nine-footer. That's a big fucking alligator. That's a big fucking alligator, man. He is pretty big at nine feet. I gotta say. But, I mean, he did the right thing.

He stuck his fucking thumb in the alligator's eye, right? That's what you do. Yep. All right, that did the right thing. He stuck his fucking thumb in the alligator's eye, right? That's what you do. Yeah. All right, that was a good move. He did almost have his thumb bitten off. You know what? If you get attacked by a person, you can do the same thing. Stick your thumb right in their fucking eye.

That's going to fuck them over. I'm just saying. And there's another one. You fucking give them a whack right in the throat, that's going to take somebody down. Punch them right in the fucking throat. Right in the throat, man. Don't be telling people that. Jesus Murphy.

And there's another punch you can do right around here. Boom. Hit it right there. It's going to knock the wind right out of you, man. It's going to take you down, too. The solar flexes. Yeah. Well, something like that, Rick. Solar panels, isn't it, Ricky? Oh, yeah.

Bob, did you hear about that fucking black cat in Chicago? He's badass, man. Yes, I did. I did. The cocksucker that jumped off. How many stories was he up, Ricky? Five fucking stories. His apartment's on fire. This little fucker jumps

right out the window, clears this pavement and wall, lands on the grass, kind of bounces a little bit, and then he just gets up and walks away. And just leaves. I know. I saw it. Five stories. Super cat. Out he goes. Down. Just misses the wall.

Judges it perfect. Lands on the grass. Little bounce. Off he goes. Like nothing even happened. He must have superpowers or I don't know. I just wish I could do that. Fuck, that was cool. That's why kitties, that's why kitties are the, you know, the best creature walking the planet right there.

Pretty impressive. Didn't break a leg or a nail. If he did that with a dog, what would happen? He'd splatter. He'd fucking splatter. Do we have any proof of this? Have you ever seen a dog jump out of a window? No, but I know what dogs are like, Julian.

The cat, he was staring on the way down. He put out his sides. They put out their extra skin to make like a skin parachute, and then he was you know guiding himself down a stupid dog's just going to jump out nose dive right into the ground he's got no way to you know balance it out like a flying squirrel he's just going to go down and break his neck yeah i think i might i don't know man we got to do some tests on that well what are you going to do, throw a fucking dog out a window? Well, you could do that and have people hold a blanket or something at the bottom.

I don't know. I just think dogs are smart, man. I don't know. I'm team dog here, bubs. They're stupid bastards. Yes, they are, man. No, they're stupid bastards. I'm still eating it.

How are you enjoying the burger, man? I'm fucking starving, by the way, bubs. I wish I had this one and the regular one side by each. And then I could, you know. Because right now I forget what a real one tastes like. That's called a taste test, Ricky. We should have one of those.

Yes. We should do one with Randy. That's the true test. With Randy? Yep. Get him to buy all the burgers. He'll do it, man. Then I'll have a burger. Burger cocksucker should hire Randy to do a review. Unless he doesn't like it, I guess.

Jesus, if Randy ate a veggie burger, would he just implode? Maybe he'd implode, would he? I don't know. I don't know, man. He'd probably throw it up for sure. The system wouldn't be able to figure out what the fuck it is. That's a good point, Ricky.

So in Wales this week, there was a fucking cow that got born with three eyes. Really? Yeah. Three-eyed cow. One right in the fucking middle of his other two. Ooh, he's like an oracle cow. What would you call that, a triclops? He's like an oracle cow.

I wonder if... A triclop. I wonder how he sees. Does he see three different pictures? Well, it would be weird because you're adding a third like right now your eyes are tuned together you know they make one image he might have you know we see you know he might have widescreen I bet you he's got HD 4k widescreen Ricky that's fucking awesome that's what he's got. Wide screen. Hey, Julian.

Wide screen. Wide screen would be cool. I wonder what if these people are making money off this cow, because I would definitely pay to see a cow with three eyes. Yeah, me too. But I went down the rabbit hole a little bit. I guess there's been all kinds of weird fucking animals like that. There's a cyclops shark, this albino shark with one big eye in the middle they caught him off no way yeah he was

looking jesus a snake with feet what yeah this woman she found the snake roaming around on her patio she actually beat it to death with a shoe and it fucking two feet sticking out of the cock sucking thing. She preserved it so there's pictures of it. It looks fucked. Oh, sneaky snake. Albino kangaroos, they're pretty cool. Rabbits the size of dogs.

Fucking massive. What? Huge fucking rabbits. And a cat with wings, bubs. There you go go it actually had wings that contained bones in them nah doesn't surprise me and the other big cocksucker was a six meter crocodile it's like 18 feet isn't it six meters that's Yeah, that's 18 footer, man. I would not fuck with that. Oh my God. That's bigger than a sand swing.

Holy fuck. That's bigger than the biggest sand swing. Plus three of me, man. You're going to like this one too, Bubz. Chicago's solution to the rat problem. They released a thousand feral cats. Yes, sir. Neutered. And the property owners and the business owners fucking look after them and feed them and shelter them.

They'll have that situation under control in about four minutes. That's a good idea. Halifax should fucking do that. Don't we have a bunch of rats? Every place has a bunch of rats, man. Rats everywhere. There is a lot of rats around, Julian. A lot of rats around a lot of rats

fucking rats I hate rats oh this was funny there was a Michigan judge got really pissed off because there was a man logged into a zoom court hearing and his name was butt fuck 3000 what

butt fuck 3000 yeah so the judge was fucking pissed. I'm going to have to remember that if I ever have to do one of those. Oh, Ricky, we could put your name up as anything if you jump on the Zoomer. I like it. What would your name be? Probably go fuck yourself 1,000 times go fuck yourself 1,000 times

that's a good one man how baked are you guys right now you know what I could use a little bacon-ish but I'm on the edibles man I've been trying to figure the edible thing out Nish. I'm strict. I'm on the edibles, man. I've been trying to figure the edible thing out, Bob. They're good, aren't they?

Well, look at me. I'm like fucking tilted on my side. Why are you so tilky? You're all tilky. Because I'm fucked. I feel like I'm part of this chair, man. I don't want to move. That's good. I've got no motivation to do... No, good. I've got no motivation to do...

No, man. I've got no motivation to do anything. I just want to fucking be a vegetable. Video games. You look like a Muppet today, Julian. You look like one of the Muppets. You know the Muppet, the guy that played the saxophone? Oh, yeah.

I like that guy. You know who I mean, Ricky? Yeah, he was fucking cool, man. The sax player. Julian looks like the Muppet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I like that guy. You know who I mean, Ricky? Yeah, he was fucking cool, man. The sax player. Julian looks like the one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does. Yeah, you're right.

I kind of do. Did you guys hear about this alcohol called Atomic? What is it? No. It's called Atomic. It's made from radioactive Chernobyl apples. What? I'm fucking curious.

Who in the fuck in their right mind would drink fucking atomic fucking Chernobyl liquor? I guess there's no of the radioactation after the distilling process. I guess it's safe to drink, but it got seized anyway. I don't believe that. Distilling something doesn't remove fucking radioactive isotopes from it. I don't believe it either. It got seized by the fucking

Secret Service in the Ukraine. They were like, fuck you and they took it all. You know what happened? You know why the cow has three eyes and the shark has one eye? It's from that fucking shit, man. It's from the meltdown. That's right. Yeah. It's fucking everything up.

Radioactive isotopes, they're not, you don't get rid of them by distilling something. They fucking put radioactive waste, they gotta bury it like if it was that easy, that's what they would do over at Fukushima. They would just have a big still set up

outside the plant there, and when the water's coming out, they'd just make moonshine out of it or whatever. Well, I don't know. What if it's any good? That's what I was thinking. I was right. Don't be drinking that stuff, boy.

Jesus. Well, anyway, that got me going down that rabbit hole, and I was trying to figure out other weird fucked-up liquors, and man, I wish I hadn't looked some of this up. This is fucked up. Have we talked about any of this shit before? Probably. Kumis.

It's from Central Asia. It's fermented mare's milk. Horse milk. Horse milk. Into liquor. Julie, you want to do some shots of horse milk and they ferment into liquor yeah oh Julie you want to do some shots of horse milk no man that's like a white Russian that's like

that's a horrible fucking white Russian well here's another good one in lovu gin it's African and it contains elephant shit elephant shit it's it contains elephant shit. Elephant shit?

It's flavored with elephant shit. The elephants eat, like, herbs and spices or whatever the fuck they eat, and they shit it out, and they use some of this to flavor their gin. Decent! People are fucked, man. Who would fucking eat that or drink that? That's so fucked. Mamma Mia Pizza Beer. Although it was discontinued, it was beer made.

They cooked a margarita pizza, and they put it in this giant, almost like a tea bag, and they let it soak its flavors into the beer. Sounds fucked. Margarita Pizza Beer? What the fuck is that? I don't know, man. I got some shit dinging over here, man. Oh, that's you dinging, isn't it?

The Sour Toe Cocktail. Have you heard about this one? It's a shot of whiskey with a mummified human toe in it. A human toe? Yep. I bet you'd get right fucked up if you drank a human toe. Alright, this one is

pretty fucked up. Baby Mouse wine. Guess what fucking country invented this shit? Baby mouse wine? Yep. It's rice wine infused with a dozen baby mice and their mice are added while they're still alive and then fermented.

See? Fuck. That is fucked up. Why and who came up with that fucking idea and they're probably they're probably making 50 bucks a bottle off that shit i bet they should kill the mice humanely they shouldn't be putting the fucking mice in the when terrible. Yeah, fuck the mice. Teehee, sand and bean, GU, something like that. It's from the Far East. Oh, God.

It's liquor that's fermented with penises of deer, a seal, and a Cantonese dog. Oh, Julian, there's your fucking dream drink. Yeah, whatever, Bob. What the fuck? There's your dream drink right there, Julian. That would be Randy's.

That's Randy's fucking dream drink. That's fucking nasty. They serve it in Shanghai, I guess. How many penises are in it? Three. A penis of a deer, a seal, and a Cantonese dog for some reason. Dog, deer, seal, penis. It's a weird one.

I wonder how many different cocks they threw in initially to come up with that secret fucking recipe. That's what I want to know. And why those three particular cocks? Do you think they did a shootout of taste tests? I wonder if they had 50 different cocks, and then this was the three that came up with

the best taste together. Oh, totally. I bet you they used human cock. I hope not. I guarantee you human cock were used. Well, there's another one

in Iceland called Hevalur 2 and it's a beer brewed with whale testicles that are smoked over a sheep dung fire. Yum. See, I bet you that's not bad.

I bet you that's got a nice salty flavor to it. How does one go about getting whale testicles? I bet you it's nice and salty, Julian. What do you think? I hope you kill the whale just for its testicles. Why would you think it'd be salty, bubs? Well, because a whale spends so much time in the salt water, you would think his knots would soak that up over the years, wouldn't it?

I thought you meant bag sweat. What? I thought he was talking about... I thought he was talking about bag sweat, but I guess a whale probably doesn't sweat. No. He's talking about load, man. He's talking about whale load. I'm not talking about whale load.

I'm talking about salt water. You were not talking about the salt water, Bubbs. Bullshit. Don't lie to me, man. You say you don't like beer? There's one in Scotland. It's called Brewmeister Snake Venom. It's a beer, and it's 67.5%.

I would try that. 67% beer? Yeah, that's more potent than most hard liquors. Oh, my God. Oh, and we're supposed to do PDA, or what's it called when you talk to the public? A PSA, Ricky. What does that mean? PSA. Are we supposed to do a PSA?

Yeah, for India. No, we're not, are we? We're supposed to tell people in India to stop smearing themselves in cow shit and cow piss to prevent the coronavirus or fight the COVID virus. It doesn't work. So you don't need to smear yourself. Are people doing that over there? They're smearing themselves

in cow shit and cow piss. Yeah, somebody's got to tell them that's not the best. Alright, yeah, yeah. We got to seriously people, don't do that. I hope we just save some lives. Here, Julian, you do a PSA to yeah, yeah. We gotta seriously... Hopefully we just save some lives. Don't do that. I hope we just save some lives. Here, Julian, you do a PSA to them, Julian. Alright, my friends in India,

please don't smear cow piss and shit on you. It's not gonna do anything for you but make you smelly. You're not gonna get banged, walk around with shit and piss on you, and it's not gonna keep the corona away. So smirten the fuck up. That's a dumb thing to keep the corona away. So smarten the fuck up. That's a dumb thing to do, okay?

Just smarten the fuck up. I mean, I guess. Take a shower. Cows are sacred, I guess. They think that because it's a sacred cow that it'll help build up their immune system or something. But anyway, it doesn't fucking fight corona. Hey, I respect the fact that a cow is their sacred thing to them but shit is shit and piss is piss don't be fucking putting it on you and nobody knows more about

the piss game than you julian well i have been in the piss game and let me tell you it's not a miracle fucking drug by no means fuck did you hear about prince harry's new job title i think it's chimpo i forget what that stands for chief something it's what something officer chief importance officer or chief what i can't remember it's chimpo anyway but in japanese it means penis no it doesn't does it yeah so he might want to think about changing his title. I think, you know what? I got a lot of respect for Prince Harry, man. He said, fuck everything,

moved to the States and said, I'm doing my own thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, he said he was on the Truman Show or in a fucking zoo. Yeah, man, he went through a lot of shit with his mom and stuff. He sounds like somebody who's attracted to Prince Harry. I think there's a little bit. No, he seems like a fucking zoo. Yeah, man. He went through a lot of shit with his mom and stuff. Sounds like somebody who's attracted to Prince Harry.

I think there's a little bit. No, he seems like a good guy. You know, he liked to have a few drinks and have a good time and shit like the boys do. I just thought he was getting a raw deal over there, man. What's his body like? Do you think he's got a nice body? What do you think, man? Why would you even ask me that?

I don't even, I'm not attracted to him in the least. I'm just wondering why you are. I'm not, man. I'm just saying I've got respect for the guy. You did like him when you wore that helicopter uniform and he was flying around, wasn't that him? You had a picture of that on your phone. Yeah, he was a helicopter he was

flying apaches or something i thought that was fucking cool all right it's nothing to do with being attracted to somebody oh it's just respect it's weird that you'd put a picture of him a big poster of him on your wall shirtless oh here we go bobs i don't have a picture of fucking Prince Harry on my fucking wall shirtless. There's no picture of him. Jesus, man. Well, it is May the 14th, or 14th, depending on who you ask. Thank you.

People that got born today, 1944, George Lucas. Think, fuck, he got born or he wouldn't have had no Star Wars. That's a good point right there, Ricky. It's true. That is true, yeah right there, Ricky. True. That is true. Yeah. 1969. Cate Blanchett.

Blanket. Is it Blanket or Blanchett? It's Blanchett, Ricky. Blanchett. You could be Blanket. She was hot, eh? What? She was born in 69? Yeah. So on the hot or not scale, you're saying hot. She's hot, yeah. yeah so on the hot or not scale you're saying hot

she's hot yeah fantastic actress she is a fucking great actress I don't care what her name is she's great in 1984 you can also play hot or not with this one Julian Mark Zuckerberg

okay Ricky we're not playing the hot or not hot or not. Mark Zuckerberg. Okay. Ricky. We're not playing the hot or not with Mark Zuckerberg. No, man. No. Jesus. No.

His money's hot. He's got a lot of money. Definitely not as hot as Prince Harry. Bob's. I can knock it off. Did you just say knock it off? I think you did. I said knock it the fuck off, Bob's.

You said knock it off like we were in Leave it to Beaver. Okay, is this better? Bob's. Fuck off, Bob's. Is that better? Knock it off just sounded like, you know, we were in Leave it to Beaver there for a second. Listen, Buster. This is your last fucking warning. There you go, bud. Edibles.

Knock it off, Eddie Haskell. I'm having a good time, Bush. I'm surprised they didn't push the limits more with those shows. I mean, you couldn't swear, but you could say, you know, you close that mouth or I'm going to come over there and pickle your balls or pickle your nuts.

You could say that, probably. Who said that? They didn't say that. No, but they could have. They got away with it. On Leave it to Beaver? I don't know. No, man.

They wouldn't say I'm going to pickle your balls back then. No, but they could have. I mean, they said names like Meathead. That was a good one. Yeah. Dickweed, I think, maybe. Dickweed was used a few times back then, wasn't it? Dickweed was never used on Leave it to Beaver.

What is a dickweed? Or milk. I don't know. Someone that keeps growing up to be a dick, man. It's like a weed. Oh, yeah? Shut off as a young dick and... Or you don't shower for a long time

and the weed starts growing around your dick. No, I don't think that's... Does that happen? I don't think that's the reference at all, Ricky. No, man. You're way off. I think it's like a weed. You're like a dick, and no matter if somebody non-dicks you,

you still grow to be a dick. You're just a dick, no matter what anybody does. I get it. That makes sense because a weed is annoying. Yeah, okay. That's what it is. You can throw it. It could be the roots.

But still. It could be the roots that are still. It could be the roots that are holding your wiener to your body. Maybe that would be the dickweed. What? Cocks have roots? I don't think that's it. They got veins and shit, man. They're kind of like roots.

I don't know. I'm not a doctor. Let's start calling people cockroot. Hey, cockroot. Cockroot's a fantastic name to give somebody. I like it. Let's start calling people Cockroot. Hey, Cockroot. Cockroot's a fantastic name to give somebody. I like it. Yeah? It's my new swear word of the day.

Cockroot. Yo, Cockroot. Yeah, I like it. You're nothing but a fucking Cockroot. Here, Ricky, just keep talking for a second, and I might be able to... About cock roots? Yes. All right. Bubz, don't be a cock root, man.

Stay cool. No, I thought I might be able to... What are you doing, Bubz? Oh, I thought I might be able to put cock root on the screen there, but it's a bigger job than I thought because, you know, hard to see. Do you guys hear about the dude? He's a university student. He found a loophole

ordering KFC chicken online and he was just getting it for free, man. He found this loophole. He ended up fucking eating 31 grand worth of fucking chicken. Free. 31 grand? How the fuck does anyone get

that much chicken or eat it? He all of a sudden became the man on campus. He was giving it away. He was fucking picking up checks with chicken. He was selling it. But guess what? How come we weren't in on it? It had to do with coupons man and and

getting your money back anyway it was loophole he got caught they gave him two and a half fucking years for stealing chicken holy fuck two and a half years for jack and that's pretty harsh man that's pretty harsh and you know he's not gonna do well in jail man a young little chicken stealing university student he's not going to do well in jail, man. A young little chicken-stealing university student. He's not going to do well. No, he's not probably going to fare out the greatest. The chicken man. What are you in for, murder?

What are you in for? Chicken stealing. Unless he can find a way to get chicken into the prison, he'll be happy as fuck. Oh, if he could continue with the scamming. Oh, he can't get any more chicken, man. If he could still get free chicken and get it airdropped into the prison, people would be happy as fuck. Oh, if he could continue with the scamming. Oh, he can't get any more chicken, man. If he could still get free chicken and get it airdropped into the prison, I mean, he'd be

the man. There's been a lot of shit happening with people. Oh, he'd be the chicken king of the prison. People stealing our idea and using drones to drop drugs into prisons, man, all over the country. I saw that. Did you see that, Julian? People are, they watch jail. They must have watched jail because they're dropping stuff into the prisons

just like I did for you guys. It's a brilliant idea, man. That's why. I feel like I'm glitching right now, bubs. You are glitching. You're glitching. Yes, you're glitching right now, bubs. You are glitching. You are glitching, man. You're glitching. Yes, you're glitching. Fuck, man.

It happens every time. You're part robot. You're like Max Hedrum. Remember him? Oh, yeah. Remember that cocksucker, Ricky? Yeah, I do. He was cool.

Oh, yeah. Like a robot, bubs. Oh, just wait. I went too long. Here, there you go. I'm not doing it anymore, man. That was stupid. Do the robot. There you go, Julian. Look at you, little robot.

Look at you, adorable little robot. Alright, enough of that shit. I'm only doing that because I'm on edibles. That's it. Yeah, high as a kite. Well, boys. All right, boys. I got to get going, man.

This glitchy thing isn't working out for me. Well, it's been good fucking talking to you, man. It's good to see you. Bob, next time you good fucking talking to you, man. Good to see you. Bubz, next time you go to fucking Burger King, throw a burger, like, knock on the window, chuck it in. Okay? All right. Give me a fucking burger, man.

I haven't gone anywhere the past two weeks. I'll get you a burger, all right? I'll drop a burger off. I'll get the go-kart fired up, and I'll go zinging by, and I'll fire a fucking..., I'll get the go-kart fired up, and I'll go zinging by and I'll fire a fucking... Do you want to try the plant one or do you want a real one? I don't give a fuck. I want some booze too. Ricky, can you get me some more of those edibles as well, please?

Yes, and I'll get you some booze. I'm going to go round up a deer, a seal, and a Cantonese dog this afternoon and brew you up some liquor. I'm not drinking any cock liquor, okay? Just give me the fucking, just give me a bottle of rum. I don't care what kind it is. How about whale testicles beer?

Not a chance. Talk to me in a few weeks if I'm still in the same position. Maybe I will. All right, go down to the farm and get some horse's milk. No, man. Not happening. All right, bubs, Or go down to the farm Get some horses milk Nah man Not happening Alright bubs

You wanna do like a See you later everybody Or what Yeah you say No you say bye You say bye to everybody Alright everybody We miss everyone

Have a good fucking weekend And stay fucking safe. Cheers. Love is. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for that. Well, it's good.

That's good. I think it's nice that you say goodbye to everybody, you know, because they take the time to tune in and we are live. I keep forgetting we're live, but we're live. Me too, man.

Me too. So you say bye, Ricky. Goodbye, everybody. Love you all. Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe. Get the jab. And go fuck yourself.

Yes, get your vaccines. Get them in you. And get bagged. We'll see you next week. Let's go to the liquor store. Cheers.