Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 6 - Bubbles' Slow Fried Bologny Sammiches

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Grab a bologny sammich and join the Boys as they figure out how to hear the wind, what's at the end of the universe, and the existence of samsquamptches and moonicorns! And guess who ate one kushy gummy bear too many, and is now baked as f**k?!

Ricky. Ricky. It's about fucking time, boys. You're late. I'm not late. You're not late. We're fucking early, actually. You're late.

I was fucking ready an hour ago. I got shit prepared. I was drinking. I was fucking ready an hour ago. I got shit prepared, I was drinking, and then I fucking decided to have a nap because I got bored. Well, don't have a nap. You still got this fucking thing? What thing? 1971.

It's a fucking great magazine. It's a skin mag. It's my dad's. 1971. Oh, I remember this one. Jaloo. Jaloo. This has the extra dirty stuff in it. I don't want to get into that right now. Go down to Wareham Hall. All right, so we fucking doing this or what? Yes. Oh, Ricky.

Let's do it. I've just had a big fucking bunch do it. Left out my vodka. I just had a big fucking bunch of it. Still cold. All right. Work after dark, she's after dark now. Fucking right it is. Oh.

Right here. Fuck. These chairs are fucked, eh? What's going on here? Fucking buy me some new ones if you're going to complain. I'm not complaining, Pucko. Bring your own chairs next time. B-Y-O-C.

That's right, man. Jesus. All fired up. It's just... How come you're so grumpy? I just wanted to do this an hour ago. And then I fell asleep and now I'm woken up. Yeah, but you've got to change your clock.

I'm fucking hungry. Like, Rick, we're on time here, dude. Yeah, we are exactly on time. Well, see, yeah, 446, it's blinkin', and when it's blinkin' like that, that means that you gotta set it. That means it's not even set. It's not the right time, man.

What time is it? It's time to start, perk after derk. Let's just get this fucking going. No surprise guests this time. No surprise guests, no. He's a good fella. I like the way his mind worked. You two should not be hanging out much, man.

Well, it's funny you say that, because we're planning on hanging out a lot, actually. No, you should not. Do you know if he found his ancestors? He did. And were you one of them? Not that he knows of. You could easily be related to that guy. You could be, because all he did was crank off in an envelope.

He didn't even put it in a tube, like a vial. Yeah, but we don't need to talk about that again, man. Hey, did you watch any of the thing from last week? No. You didn't see how you jumped like a little two-year-old girl when I put those ball nuts by you? No, I didn't see that. Yeah, you almost sprung right through the roof

like a little screeching caterpillar. Who wants ball, like, when you're baked, okay? That doesn't help when you get ball, like, what are they? Buffalo fucking nuts Bolna full nuts. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember the spaghetti. We had a couple nights ago the meatballs What'd you think? No, you didn't man No, I fucking do a ball nuts

Bullshit, I ate them too. You didn't eat bull nuts. I ate bull nuts, so did you. I don't believe you guys. Spaghetti and meatballs was spaghetti and bull nuts and you didn't even know. Yeah, they weren't that bad actually. They were pretty good with the spices and stuff in them. Maybe that's why. But on their own. The what?

On their own may not be that great, I don't know. No, and you ate the ones with the extra load and the... Shut up, man. Pops, extra load. Fucking bull nuts. All right, get it going, what's happening? Let's go, I don't know, what do you guys wanna talk about today?

Well, I think we should talk about some things. This is Park After Dark, so we can talk about some things. What do you wanna talk about? I see you have paper there, Ricky. What's on to it? Well, we had that crazy fucking thundery storm.

Sounded like fucking bombs going off. So it made me think, because I was baked to time, hey, maybe there's some fun things we could find out about weather. All right, I'm fucking... What do you got for us, Ricky? I don't know. Do your shit first, because I haven't read through this, and I was fucked up when I wrote it.

There's not much, man. It doesn't even make sense. There's a place in some Filipino town, they ban gossiping, man. You get caught gossiping, you're getting shit. How do you get caught? I want to move there. You get, for the first time,

you're going to get fined 200 pesos, which is $3.80, and three fucking hours of collecting garbage in the streets. The first time you're gonna get fined 200 pesos, which is $3.80. And three fucking hours of collecting garbage in the streets. I wanna move there, cause I don't like gossipers. Second time, it goes up to 20 bucks and eight hours of community service, for fuck's sakes. You know what I always say? What, Bobs?

I was gonna try to come up with a profound statement. Well, no, you gotta come up with something. A gossip a day... doesn't keep the doctor away, but you know what I mean? It could be something like that. Gossip is for... You should... You're fucking...

What is wrong with you? I'm a lot more baked than I thought I was. Wow, those are really good words. I took one of the things that you gave me, the cushy bear or whatever it's called. The gummy bear. But they were called cushy-wushy. Cushy bears, whatever it's called. The Gummy Bear. But they were called Cushy Wooshies. Cushy Bears are made with Cush.

Wow, they're really coming aboard me. Well, it's Cush Man. Yeah, you should have probably only had a half one of those. I did. Okay. Only had a half one. Your tolerance is down, I guess. Hang out with people.

No. Are you still in this gossiping thing? Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. Try to get something out. You need to finish this. Surround yourself with people who talk about ideas, not people. That's all right. Yeah, that's not people.

That's alright. Yeah, that's not bad. Eh? But it's still fun to talk about dicks and pricks and fuckheads. Yeah, but I'm just saying. I guess that's not gossip, it's fact. That's, if you're talking facts, that's different. Okay. Like if you say Julian is a dickweed, is that gossip or is that a fact?

Depends on the situation, I guess. No, it's... What are you talking about, bubs? We're trying to get to the bottom of what's going on. It's not a fact. I am not a dickweed. But? You can be at times.

Everybody can be a fucking dickweed every now and then. So you're admitting that you're a dickweed? And no, I'm just saying you can be a dickweed sometimes, and so can I. Yeah? So is it a fact that you're a dickweed, or is it gossip? Bob's mad. Okay. Why are you doing this right now? You know what?

Get a drink in here. That will help straighten you out a little bit. What the f... I'm gonna fix my hair with vodka. What the fuck are you doing, man? Vodka hair. Why do you act as a waste of vodka, man? Now there's gonna be hair in my vodka.

I didn't know, Ricky. It's just, it's tickling me over here. I can feel it tickling me. That's the cush. Well, this is a fucking trippy one. I didn't remember even writing this one out. The wind doesn't make a sound until it blows against an object. You didn't know that?

No. I thought, you know, the howling wind, he howled. No, Ricky, it's the wind going through, like, a thing or against an object that makes it. It's the sound. That's the sound. I know, but it's like if a tree burns in the forest, does anybody see or hear it? It's one of those things.

How... Okay, so how can you hear... Like, is it really? Because you don't really know. So how can you test this, bubs? If you went Okay, so how can you hear... Like, is it really? Because you don't really know. So how can you test this, Bubz? If you went outside, like... Because you could triangulate where the sound is coming from, and physics would tell you what is generating the sound. But how could something move so fast but so silent?

Because there's no resistance to it. If it's not blown against an object, it's just air. Listen to this. Yeah, I see. I heard a little... No, you're imagining that. Because you've seen too many kung fu movies. All right. But something's got to make a sound.

Hear that? Nothing. But I'm squishing the air, making wind. See? If I blow a wind, it makes a sound. That's... No, Ricky, that's your whistler going off. That's the re... that's the air, the wind, but it's pushing past your teeth and around your tongue, and that's what's making the... your tongue and that's what's making the...

Well right now, what if the wind's in, say, a desert and there's no one around? It might say, fuck it, I'm gonna make sound because no one's gonna hear me anyway. Well, the wind isn't saying anything to itself. It's not consciously aware of anything. And if it was making sound, it would be the sound of the sand that it's going against. It's blowing.

It's blowing the sand. The wind itself would not make sound. That's fucking crazy. All these years. Wow. And that just, you know, then you're back to if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around, does it make a sound?

That question is basically, is the ear required to complete the definition of sound? That's true, Pops. Because if a tree falls, there's still going to be the wind and the crunch and everything, but if nothing's there to hear it, did it really... But it still made those little... Sound waves. Right.

But if there's not an ear there to hear them, do they exist? Maybe not. Well, what if you put a tape recorder in the forest and then you went back to your house? But then the tape recorder's there to hear it. Then you would hear it for sure. It's a complicated one. I don't like it. Hey, Ricky.

What? You want to really think about something freaky? I don't know. My brain's fucking scared of these days. The universe goes on forever. No. There's no end to it. Not possible. Well, what's at the end then? A wall?

No, probably just a big drop off. It'll come to the edge of a cliff. Yeah, but what's it drop to? I don't know, something else. And then what's at the end of that? You'd have to get there, I guess. But there is no end, because it just keeps going. I can't, yeah. See, don't fuck with my head like this right now. Think about it there's no

end to the universe it just keeps going. And you guys want scratch tickets there's 150 of them here for 25 bucks. What? 25 bucks. From who? Doesn't matter who it's from. I'm not buying your greasy, stolen fucking scratch deck. How many do you get for 25 bucks? A hundred and... 150? 125. That's a lot, actually. I'll go half, 10 bucks. Are they legitimate tickets? Maybe somebody just made them.

No, they're legit, man. Don't worry about it. All right, if we become rich, bubs, you get none of it. I'm in on it. No. I already texted, man. It's done. Oh, you did, eh? With your two touches of the screen.

I text. It's done. Wrap your lips around this. OK. Sorry. No, wrap your ears around this, I guess I meant to say. For each minute of the day, one billion tons of rain fall on the earth.

Yeah, I believe that. That's a lot of rain, man. Rain's heavy, man. How much is a billion? It's more than a lot. How many fucking pools do you think a billion? You got ear bugs again? I got something. Ear mites? I got ear bugs again? I got something.

Ear mites? I got pit shifting going on in my ear. It's from the wind. I'm hungry, Rick. What are you thinking? I don't know. What do you got? I got groceries, but I don't have a fucking clue what I got. You ever go to the grocery store wasted and high as fuck,

and then you get home, wake up the next day, and you're like, fuck, I know I went, but what the fuck did I buy? Not a clue. No. It's exciting, actually. It's usually shit, though. When you're fucked up, you get shitty food.

No. I like to try to eat. He's probably got cupboards full of candy. Well, that's what I mean, shitty food. Yeah, there's probably some crazy shit in there. Knock yourself out, man. You want me to make something? What are you thinking?

I don't know. Let's make something fucked. It's fucked but good. Let's make something? What are you thinking? I don't know. Let's make something fucked. It's fucked but good. Let's make something fucked but good. I don't think I put much in that cupboard. Ritz crackers. Boom. Get those little fuckers down.

Where? Right here? Yep. Ritzers. Yeah. Ritz crackers for the rich. They're not Ritz crackers. You got peanut butter and jam.

You got bread. You got peanut butter and jam. You got bread. You got some chips. Yeah, fuck. You got some weirdo chips. You got some rice crackers. What do we got in the refrigerator? Well, oh. What do you think of that new shelf in there?

All fixed up. They put a think of that new shelf in there? All fixed up. You put a wooden shelf in, did you, Ricky? Yeah. Oh, slow-fried bologna sandwiches. Slow-fried bologna sandwiches with cheese and mustard. That's what I'm making. You always want to eat bologna, man.

What's your problem? We had bologna last time. I'll fuck with one, don't get me wrong. Well, we had bologna, man. What's your problem? We had bologna last time. I'll fuck with one, don't get me wrong. Well, we had blown airs. We didn't have my special slow-fried bologna sandwiches. Go for it. Do it up, boys. I'll make them, Ricky.

You just stay seated. I'll make the fuckers. Hey, man. Holy fuck, this guy's claiming that some cheap dog deworming medicine cured his fucking cancer, bud. What, Dave? Some what? It's deworming medicine for his dog. He took it. What the fuck? He was just gonna guess and say, hey, I wonder if this will cure my cancer. Fuck it, I'll try it.

Oh, man, so this guy came up to him and said hey look. Could have killed him. You uh you want to get rid of that? Take these fucking pills. And it worked. Really? Did you ever deworm yourself Julian? Cause you had worms there one time. I didn't have worms. What are you thinking for cheese? You had earthworms remember? I did not have earthworms. You got cheese, man. You want cheese? Yeah, I need cheese slices. Do you have slices? Yeah, man.

Bob, did you ever hear of fenbendazole? Who? Fendizole. No, not vendizole. Fenbendazole. Yeah, man. Fenbendazole, that's that drug you take and it bends you over. No, that's what we need to get our hands on. Why?

Because it'll be worth a lot of money, man. What is this? It's deworming shit, man, for your dogs. What language are you talking? What is this? I don't know what I believe. Yeah, here we go. This is that... Why do you keep buying this thin, shitty bologna?

Ricky, I like the thick stuff. Thick cut. Here, is this thicker? That's what your mama said, too. No, that's the same stuff. Motherfucker. All beef, yeah, that's skinny slices. I can just double them up, though. Double them up, man.

It's not a big deal. Don't worry. Buzz, what do you think of that Yeti fucker? He's scary. What Yeti fucker? Yeti scary. What Yeti fucker? Yeti. Just the Yeti. The guy that eats people. Do you believe in those things or what? In Yetis?

Yeah. I believe in Yeti Van Halen. You know what? This was not a great grocery day. No? Where the fuck... Why did I buy spicy pickles? Do I have the wrong fucking burner on here?

Fuck. Bubs, the Indian Army are saying they found fucking Yeti footprints, man, up in the mountains. I had the wrong one on. Does that do anything to you? Do you want regular mustard or honey mustard? Regular. Fuck, man. Yellow mustard, Ricky.

The Indian fucking Army, they claim to have found Yeti. Do you want a spicy pickle? Oh, my Jesus. Yeah, no, they claim to have found Yeti. You want a spicy pickle? Oh my Jesus. Yeah, you know, they found a footprint or something. The bunch of them, man. He was walking all over the fucking place in the mountains. Who was? This Yeti.

Yeah. No, he wasn't. That's what they're saying, man. Apparently there's one Yeti left, there's one Sasquatch left, and they're going to try to get them together so that they can meet. Who said that? I read something about it. Ricky, that's not true.

Maybe that was a kid's movie. There's more than one Bigfoot, a.k.a. Sam Squamish. There's lots of those cops out there. What the fuck else do you need for these things? I just got everything I need, Ricky. I got the bread. Do you need any molasses or anything?

No. Hot sauce. Oh, Ricky, I got the bread. Do you need any molasses or anything? Nope. Hot sauce. Oh, Ricky, that bread is fucking old. It's the fucking hinges of hell. It's probably been a while. I don't, you hear, this is feeling good. Oh no, you know what happened? This is feeling good.

You know what happened to this bread? What, the light? The fucking light. She cooked the bottom of it, feel it. Oh my God, it did, dude. Feel that. That was a, oh yeah, that's fucked, slow cooked. We gotta look at that.

Might be good. Slow toasted? Slow toasted. The bread was sitting in the cupboard, but look. The bottom of it. She got slow toasted. That's probably a bit of a fire hazard there. Oh, she's cooking, numbnuts.

She's cooking up. I know, give me a spatula, Ricky. Oh, she's cooking. I'm not. She's cooking up. Oh, I know. Give me a spatula, Ricky. Oh, that's a big guy here. That's nice. Oh, yeah. Hmm. Here, you want a littler guy? No, I just... It's hard to...

Wow. I can't really... Like, the bologna's the same color as the pan. I'm having trouble seeing it. Can you see that bologna, or is it completely camouflaged? It's pretty camouflaged. It is cooking. See how she's bubbling there now? No. Oh, yeah, that piece, that needs to be flipped.

That piece there needs to be flipped. This is not a great bologna pan, I'll tell you that. That's a fucking great pan for everything. Camouflage, that's one of those fucking... What are they called? Klondike something? Gold bars or... Gold bars. I don't know. Gotham steel!

The no-stick pan. Gotham steel no-stick pan. All the chemicals going right into you. I cooked an ice cube tray in that the other night, and it fucking came right out. You what? Just to see how fucking good it was. I cooked an ice cube tray.

Melted the fuck out of it. Fuck, did it ever stink? Ricky, why would you do that? I hope you weren't trying to get fucking baked off the fumes, man. Listen to this fucking thing I never heard about. Did you guys hear about this on the news or anything? About what? It was so cold in 1684 that the Femmes River in England froze solid for two months.

The Thames. The Thames River, man. You were there. Crossed a bridge. I didn't think it got froze over there. Well, it's... That's fucked up, man. When did this happen?

1684. It was a little bit of a time ago. How do they know? Well, I'm sure people may have walked on it or something, did they? But when was it? 1684. Well, somebody could be lying. There'd be no photos of it, Ricky.

That might be a painting. Painted? They had books back then and things to write stuff on, didn't they? Yeah, but, you know, somebody could be bullshitting pretty easy. Ah, shit. So then this is probably bullshit, too. What?

In 1899, it was so-called the Mississippi River froze over its entire length. 1899? Yep. There was pictures then, wasn't there? Yeah. There was a big picture of Alexander Graham Bell's night sack. First thing he ever took a picture of. He did a of those landscape pictures where you drop your sack into the photo. Ball scapes.

Ball scapes. Alexander Graham Bell did a ball scape. I'm gonna try to get a picture of the Mississippi River frozen. Nice. No problem, man. Oh, I didn't fucking know. Did you know there's moon bows? Yeah. Rainbows on the moon? River frozen. Nice. No problem, man. Oh, I didn't fucking know. Did you know there's moon bows?

Yeah. Rainbows on the moon? No. Fucking moon created a moon bow. Fucking happen when it's low and it's almost full. They're pretty rare, I guess. But I've never seen or heard of a moon bow. Did you know there's moonicorns?

What is it? Unicorns that prance around on the moon. Really? And they shoot rainbows out of their laser arms. No. Wow. Ricky, how big would they be? Big?

Think about that. You got a toaster, Ricky? Imagine if there was unicorns the size of a house cat. That would be fucking awesome. Yeah, there's a toaster under stuff there somewhere. Yeah, we got a picture of the Mississippi frozen pubs. Yes! Really?

Yeah. We'll fucking think. We got this chick fucking in her little dress there, walking around. All kinds of people actually walk in. Throw it on there, chipper. So much for your no-stick fucking pan, Ricky. Oh, don't even tell me that you fucked it over, did you?

Well, I mean, you cooked a fucking ice cube tray in it. I think you stripped the no-strip part right off of her. It might have fucked with its millennial structure. It's millennial structure. These are going to be good. Did you know that they can cloud seed? They can make clouds make more fucking rain with this iodine solution. Yeah.

That's fucking crazy. They can make clouds, eh? And it says they can make tornados go off course. Why the fuck aren't they doing this? If it's dry all of a sudden or a desert's like, hey, how about a little rain over here, bud? Like, why not? Yeah. Why not get the fucking rain going? It's dry all of a sudden, or a desert's like, hey, how about a little rain over here, bud? Like, why not?

Yeah. Why not get the fucking rain going? Let's get it. It's not easy to make rain, man. Apparently it is. They were doing it in Vietnam in the war. Trying to flood the little fuckers. Didn't the Beatles create rain or something, bubs?

What? I think they got rid of rain. They got rid of it. The Beatles? Yeah, man. They had a song called? I think they got rid of rain. They got rid of it. The Beatles? Yeah, man. They had a song called Rain, but they couldn't make rain. No, they were getting rid of rain for something. You can do it, man.

I've had ideas about this stuff before. I didn't know it was real. I didn't like clouds. That's what I want to get into. Growing clouds. Fucking right. Help people out that are drying to death. People that are what?

Just drying to death. No food, just fucking laying on the ground, you dry and die. Starving or becoming dehydrated. Yeah, pets. It's not drying, man, it's dehydrated. Well, I'm gonna start finding out more about this cloud seed and I'm gonna get it going. I'm gonna start a new company. Oh, for fuck's sakes.

I really fucked this up. What the fuck? Sorry, Ricky. Actually, that looks goddamn fantastic. Well, it probably is. Oh, man, that pan is fucked. You know what? I should never have did the ice cube tray.

That was dumb. Fuck! Just go grab another pan. No, actually, look, the cheese is coming right out of her. I think there's plastic still in here, Ricky. There could be. I don't remember doing dishes, so... Oh, fuck's sake.

I dropped the toast in the... You cooked her on high, did you? Did I? She's pretty fucking red. There. Here. There's more balo... This was the backup baloney over here.

So we'll just load that on. She's getting a little... ...ripe in here. Do you say you want pickles or no pickles? I don't want pickles. Why the fuck did I buy spicy pickles? Here, just wait. I'm gonna load that under there. Okay. You happy now?

She's here. She's not even open, I don't think. No. Brand new, Ricky. Why are you biting my mustard, man? I'm not biting it, I'm biting the lid off of it. Okay. Wow. All right, Ricky.

Hide this under here. That, put that on there. What's your secret recipe or secret ingredient, anything? I'll slide this under here. That, put that on there. What's your secret recipe or secret ingredient? No, I'm not familiar with your kitchen, so... But you did toast the bread. That's different. A little bit. Where's a nice knife? Where's your bread knife at? Right here.

Here, you want an electric? Bread knife. Look at that. Oh, what's that? French bread? No, bread knife. There, we'll split her, Ricky. What about muscles? He doesn't want one.

I'm good, man, I'm good. He said he didn't want any of my bologna sandwich. Bologna fucking reminds me of jail. That's what bologoney reminds me of. It's a good memory. You know what? There's a lot of money in fucking writing bedtime stories, just so you know this, Bob.

How much money? A lot. How much? People are into it. How much? People are having a hard time falling asleep these days. People are writing, they're called sleep writers. What a zoomer of that.

For adults? For adults, man. Bedtime stories for adults? Yeah. What the fuck do you mean? It's just bedtime stories that are fucking, they'll catch your attention but then make you go to sleep because they're kind of fucking boring. So that might be something you can get into.

So you write a boring story and you get money? Oh, fuck that's good baloney. Maybe that's a secret, but the thin stuff would just add more, like a fucking smoked meat sandwich. Fry her up, man, a little bit of a crisp to it. You know? Jesus. Vodka and bologna. We could write boring stories. That'd be easy, wouldn't it?

You gotta write some boring stories, Bubbs. You're good at that shit. What are you talking about? You just gotta write boring stories that are big money in it now. Bedtime stories. Well, I was gonna start out today. I was laying in the grass. And then I rolled over. And then I saw a cloud. And then I saw a bug. And then I fell asleep for a little bit.

And then I woke up. That's exact... You know what? Let's fucking record one right now. Because this is how you... They're all recorded things, right? You don't gotta write them. You just gotta record them. I gotta try a bite of this honker. Huh?

Eh? Good one, bud. It's fucking good, man. Oh, I know it is. See, I don't think I've ever had it with the cheese. Oh, bloney sandwich. It's a game changer. And the toast, the toasted bread. But I like the thin meat.

It's fucking good. I gotta go get these fucking scratch tickets. Why? Just say, end this with like a fucking... It's fucking good. I gotta go get these fucking scratch tickets. What? Just end this with like a fucking, one of these stories that I can record though, quick. I'm gonna record you. Randy, you better fuck off with your goddamn machinery. I'm not fucking dealing with that again today,

you piece of shit. He can't hear you, Ricky. Oh yeah, I can fucking hear you. He can't hear you, Ricky. Oh yeah, I can fucking hear you. He can't hear you. Fucking jackass. Done. I'm the fuck out of here. Where you going?

I'm going to get those fucking tickets. Okay, well... I'm in on those, don't forget. No, you're not. Money up front. Get the money on you. Yeah, that's what I thought. You're fucking coming up with something to make next time.

You've been slack. Fuck you guys. All right. Where is he getting these tickets at? Sounded a little fishy, didn't it? Fishy. Yes. Fishy.