Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 7 - Lamp Wang

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Why is Ricky's trailer full of musical sh*t (and a broken lamp?) Bubbs is holding auditions for the Bubbles & The Sh*trockers tour! Julian investigates some sh*tty art, and gets learnt about millipedes. Also: Who has a 17ft birthday boner?!

To watch the video version of Park After Dark in my fucking trailer, go to SwearNet.com or download the SwearNet Trailer Park Boys app. Fuck off. You're welcome for the burgers. You know what? It's pretty fucking good. I know. I got those sent over. Very fucking good, man. Thank you.

Very good, man. Except I'm looking at these different stories I'm going to talk about. Yeah. And they make me want to fucking puke, man. What is wrong with people? Why? Remember that ramen thing? What was it?

The last podcast or the thingy? The what? The ramen noodle thing. I don't remember. This one looks fucking grosser, man. I don't know what it was, but check that shit out. What is it digging into that? What is it?

Bird? The fucking crocodile leg. Little mini fucking corn on the cobs and stuff. It might be delicious, you don't know. I've had alligators. Not bad, actually. Well, you want to eat big, an arm with the fingernails and everything on it. Like in your soup or ramen.

Where the fuck is it? You have to cut it open or something. It's pretty fucked. I don't know, man. You don't know? Alligator fucking nails might be delicious. They might be like sprinkles on a donut. That's gross, man.

There's not a chance that it's fucking good. Well, there's other stories here, though, other than that. People are fucked. I'm not going to argue with you. All right, this woman, she's from Shanghai. She's out with her husband. She's fucking drunk, right? Yeah.

She's feeling a little tipsy. Then she goes over and decides to hug a tree on the side of the road sure and whoa all of a sudden this fucking ringing in her ear

that she's had because of stress is gone so she has this little tree hugging club there making money not buying it she said it gives off

some kind of like a I don't know what the fuck it is, man. An aura, like an energy. Yeah. Which it does not. She's insane. She's insane. No, trees have energy, boys. They can communicate.

Just ask Rush. Everything has energy, man. They don't cure your fucking ear ringing. They might, Ricky, if the trees have gone to medical school. Bobs. You know what I mean, though. You sound trees have gone to medical school. Bobs. You know what I mean, though. You sound like a fucking black dog. No, I mean within the tree world system,

one of them might know how to do medical stuff. Well, okay, there is a story about this. I mean, this one dude who walks around with bare feet all the time, right? He says that's the problem with humans these days. They don't have the feet actually touching the earth. That's right, because you're not grounded, you're like insulated from the… So maybe the energy's coming up from the earth into the tree, into your body, no more

ringing. Alright. Did you know you can buy a thing, you put it in the foot of your bed, plugs into the wall with the ground you sleep with your feet on it and it grounds you the whole time booster cables kind of what does that do for you just you know you're just grounded you're just sucked to the earth and grounded and you lose all your you know it pulls the negative waves out of here whatever i don't know he pulls a bunch of ones out too so i think it would be easier to just hook a jumper cable to your wiener,

plug it into the wall. I was getting into that. What if you were banging, like on the lawn, and you're stripped down naked, you're banging? Well, yeah, if you're banging on the lawn, you're making contact with the earth, you're gonna, yeah, it's gonna pull things out of you. I think.

But also things could crawl up in you if your ass is on the ground, right? Right? Worms, insects. It's happened. But it might be a good bag. Ricky, you had a centipede up your ass one time, remember? It was a millipede.

Millipede? Worse, more legs. Longer. You said it actually felt pretty good. Did I? Yeah, man. I don't remember it feeling good, but I said it must have. A thousand-leg massage.

I can't believe you fucking actually had that right. Do I? A thousand legs, yeah, man. I thought they were just making that up. They don't actually have a thousand legs. Well, fucking shit they don't. Millipedes don't have a thousand legs. Yes, they fucking do.

No, they do not. They don't. Bull fucking shit. Does a centipede have a hundred? Yeah, is that? Bull shit, too. No. Why the fuck are they called that?

They're just because it looks like they do. But if you count the cocksuckers, they don't have a hundred. You counted them? Yes. Bull shit, man. It's called a tenipede. A gigapede. Think about it.

Think how much room a thousand legs would take up. It's a lot. You'd need 500 on each fucking side. Alright, you're freaking me out right now, man. So you're telling me it doesn't have a thousand fucking legs? No. Why the fuck did they name it a millipede? Well, then it's just a worm with fucking legs. No. Why the fuck did they name it a millipede? Well, they just were a worm with fucking legs.

Just to fuck with kids. Well, it's fucking with me, right? I gotta Google this. There's no fucking way, man. Google it. This is gonna blow my fucking mind. Well, welcome to the park. After the dark, it is July the 7th, which is fucking crazy to me.

Summer's half over. It's unbelievable. The fuck? Good movie, though. I didn't even get my pool filled yet. Ha ha. Get it? I think that was probably Thomas Cruise's, one of his better movies.

No, Pete's don't even have fucking close to a thousand feet, man. No, man. Most species have fewer than a hundred fucking legs, so the millipedes should be called centipedes, and the centipedes should be called... Phacopedes. Phacopedes. Aedipede. Fucking Jesus. Think about how much room 500 fucking legs would take up on each side they have to be

okay the number ranges from 40 to 400 man like i think 400 is a fuck of a lot too but there's a species of california millipedes that have a female one up to 750 legs i never would have thought they could put that many legs on a thing. Well, I'm going to say, man, I've been on this earth for quite a long time. Today, I'm learning this. There you go. All right. Job's done.

You should try to learn one thing every day. Is that what you do, Ricky? No. Well, you should. You should try to learn something every day. And by the time you're dying, you know it all. Ricky, you're lucky if you learn one thing a fucking month. No, I didn't learn more than that. I don't know.

You purposely try not to learn things. You don't want things clogging up your head. Did you guys like that Tom Cruise movie, Born on the 7th of July? See? Hmm? Listen to him. Born on the 7th of July. See? Hmm? Listen to him. Born on the 7th of July.

What the fuck is he talking about? The fucking, didn't even get nominated. He won an Academy Award for it. The 7th? The 4th of July, Ricky. The 4th the fuck of July, man. No, it wasn't, was it? The 4th of July is when they had the big holiday.

That's what the movie's about. Oh my Jesus. Alright, bud. I know you like to paint pictures every now and then, right? Sure I do. You ever think about painting with liquefied cat shit? Oh Jesus. I was gonna say I like to paint body parts but not with that. Well, you could. Have you ever thought of it? No, I wouldn't use liquefied cat shit. Well, I'm telling you, this fucking guy uses cow shit. Cow shit? Cow shit.

And... So he just paints with one color? Oh, man, it's like, it's this. See that? Sorry, guys. Get the fuck out of here, man. Fucking Ralph. What the fuck was that? Ralph, drunk again.

Fucking thinks this's his trailer. All right, see that picture there of this cow? Paint it with cow shit. You've added a little bit of water, a little bit of this, and it has different shades. Pretty nice. It's nice. And you know what? The good thing about this guy is paint's free, man.

He goes under, has a little bucket, goes underneath a bovine cow, right? He collects the bowel movement of the bovine cow. Correct. And makes different colors out of it. But he can get, he says, two bowel movements from a bovine cow will last him a half a year. What I don't understand is why didn't he say four shits will last a whole year? You know what I mean? Because it goes bad.

But I mean... Oh, really? It gets too hard. You can't soften it up. You can't fucking get around the fact that that painting must smell like shit. That's what I'm saying. He's selling a lot of them. No, it wouldn't, though.

Once it hardens up, you don't get the shit smell. Really? Pretty sure. Well, he's also used up, you don't get the shit smell. Really? Pretty sure. Well, he's also used other things like his own blood and dead cockroaches. Probably his own shit. And his own shit, probably. He definitely has used his own shit.

Jesus Christ. Has he ever painted anything on his chest? Load. With his own. The load. He's a load painter too. We could call him and ask him, I guess. He's a load painter.

I bet you he's tried... If he's not, there's definitely one out there. He is painting with load clots, fucking everything you can imagine. Clots? This weird motherfucker. What is a load clot? It's a good fucking punk band name. Yeah.

Load clot. Load clot. I'm going to go see this motherfucker. You guys going down to see Load Claw tonight? Would you buy a Load Claw painting? They're playing with punctured testicle. Oh, fuck, that would hurt. It does.

Yeah, you've had your testicle punctured, haven't you? He drove a nail through it. Oh, she got shot. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, you got shot in punctured, haven't you? He drove a nail through it. Oh, so you got shot. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, you got shot in the nuts, didn't you? Look at Moe. Oh, man, you know what? Moe's been, he's got access to a fucking 3D printer now,

so we should get some shit going. Yeah. What can you print with it? You can print anything with it. Money? No. Keys to cars? You could print the keys to a car.

Weapons? Weapons, you could print. Don't get him printing weapons, Ricky. No, not... Those flashlights? You want Moe to print your flashlight? Well, not me, but if we can mass produce them, there's money, man. There's money. Jack it off, buddy.

You can't print 3D print silicone like... What the fuck's good? ...flashy silicone. You can do it in like a hard plastic thing. I heard you can print houses. Can you print me any houses? You can print a house, but you're not going to want to bang a fucking, you know, solid fucking flashlight. Be just like banging a fucking rope it's cute people bang your mom it's got to be blocky and dry just not nice what are you getting

these fucking instruments out of my goddamn living room man i'm auditioning some people for the band how's that going it's, and they're not great. Some of them are. Some of them, yeah, I guess. A couple of them are fucked in the head. A lot of them are fucked in the head. How many people have you auditioned so far? What's the name of the band?

For Bubbles and the Shitrockers. Yeah, man. All right. He's going to be going on tour, he says. I'm auditioning them. I don't know, I auditioned probably 50. Really? About 48 of them are completely fucked.

Couple good guys, though. Nice. I just gotta keep doing it. Like any like metal people? Yeah. Long hairs? Yeah, there's a girl come in and sang metal and smashed her fucking guitar in half.

Nice. Look at that. I wish I would've saw that. That's a fucking show right there. She broke your lamp too, Ricky. Oh, fuck off. Which one? One of them.

Man, I can't fucking leave you guys alone for more than seven minutes. Lamp shaped like a penis. Oh, man, I love that fucking leave you guys alone for more than seven minutes. The lamp shaped like a penis. Oh, man, I love that fucking lamp. Your big penis lamp got smashed. I love that lamp. Well, there's a story here about this guy. Called it Lamp Wang.

The who? Lamp Wang? Is that the name of your... He smashed Lamp Wang? He fucking killed Lamp Wang. Fuck, man. You're never going to find another lamp wang. No. It's like the leg lamp from Christmas Story, except it's shaped like a wang. That's pretty fucked up.

Yeah, so there's this gas station attendant in Tulsa, right? The fuck, man? You know what? You do this in my fucking trailer all the time. Jesus fucking Christ. Just chuck your garbage wherever you want. That might cause rodents to get in here. You've already got fucking rodents, man.

Well, they might bring their friends because it's like a fucking buffet in here. Did I tell you I met a rat the other day? Okay, am I getting set up for some kind of a joke here? No, a rat showed up in my shed. Yeah. I swear to God, I was just sitting in there. There's rats in here? No, a rat showed up in my shed. Yeah. I swear to, I was just sitting in there. Was rats in here? I thought we just said field mice.

No, we have a rat. I was sitting on, I was sitting on my bed and I heard this, listen, I heard. And I was like, did I, did somebody knock? I go, hello? Didn't hear anything, so I went back to what I was doing and then I heard very light and I was like what the fuck am I hearing go over and I

opened my door and there's a rat there and he had a stick with a fucking handkerchief on the end of it over his shoulder he was a traveling rat fuck off name Luigi you had a little rat see you off, Bubs. Named Luigi. Right little rat! See, you know what? You had me there for a little while. And he had a little thing on his, Bubs. If you smoke just the right amount of dope,

you can communicate with animals like that. It's weird. So was there really a rat? I believe. What kind of fucking drugs are you giving him, man? God damn, is it fucking raining out again? Yes. It's pouring.

Yeah, it's pouring like a... God damn it. All right, so I was talking about this dumb fuck that lives in Tulsa, right? So he goes to work. He's working at this gas station. And he's like, holy fuck, I'm tired. I don't want to be here right now. So he gets on the phone he's like calls up his buddy and he goes hey i think you get someone down here to throw a fucking mask

on pretend to hold me up and the guy was like yeah let me call him around so buddy calls his buddy and says hey man go on and i need you to go in there pretend you're holding the place up so they do. Why? Why did he need that? Because he was tired. He didn't want to work. And he couldn't call in sick.

So they staged this robbery, and it was all on video, called the cops. He's like, ah, I get to go home. So he goes home. And they went and caught the guy because of the video camera, and they recognized him. And he had to say, well, you told me to rob it? Yeah.

That is fucked. That's a good idea, actually. And the only reason why the other guy did, the guy who actually did the fake robbery, he didn't go to jail for a long time because there was proof that his friend was like, texting saying, hey, you want to fucking pretend robbed this place? But he got shit. But they didn't actually pretend they actually fucking robbed the place, did they? No, he didn't take any money.

He pretended to. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So what would you get in trouble for? I don't fucking know. Just being a fucking idiot, I guess. Fake calling the police?

Fake calling the police. It's against the law to do that, man. I'm going to have a nap, boys. An upright nap. There's some people wondering why we never talked about that fucking sub. Oh, fuck. Yeah, she blew up. We had to give it some time, just out of respect for the people that lost their lives.

But yeah, that was pretty fucked up. Well, the U.S. military knew it blew up the second it blew up. What? I hear it. Did you know that? No. Yeah, man. The U.S. military knew that it blew up when it blew up on Sunday or Monday or whatever.

It didn't blow up. It blew in, you know, imploded. But they knew and they wouldn't admit it. And then they finally said, said yes we have secret listening devices off the coast of canada shut up well they have to listen for you know enemy subs coming in from russia coming up from the top so so they knew the fucking thing blew up and they still let the world spend all that money well it's classified information man they let everybody the families believe there was hope and all that shit. I fucking had hope.

Me too. I did too. And then they said there was bang and they heard. Yeah, that was one of the biggest kicks in the nuts I've had in a while. They knew the cocksucker blew up fucking when she blew. So an implode didn't. Implosion. Implode didn't.

Explode didn't. How? Because there's so much pressure on it, instead of going boom, it goes boom. Under pressure. Under pressure. So, these fuckers, what happened? They would have fallen down. They wouldn't have fallen anywhere, Ricky.

Imagine being in a fucking, imagine being in a chicken soup can and somebody squashed it with their foot. Jesus Christ. That's awful. It's horrible. Well, it squashed it so hard that it basically just had little pieces left. It squashed it so hard that it just, you know. It's hard to fucking wrap your head around.

Yeah. They just got squashed. If it would happen so fast, you'd be just going along like, oh, boy, I can't wait. We're almost done. Dead. Yeah, liquefied, man. So no suffering. That's good.

No suffering. No, man. They would have been freaking out by the creaks and shit. All of a sudden going, holy fuck, I don't think there would be any creaks. No. I think it just. I don't care how much money I had. I wouldn't.

I don't know. I wouldn't do it. 250 million. 50,000. What wouldn't, I don't know, I wouldn't do it. $250 million. $50,000. What? $250,000? Oh, yeah, $250,000. That's what it cost each person.

I don't, what would you see? Not much. No, they only had one window in the end of her about that big, so you'd get to look out. But it was right above the shatter. Here's the thing for me. I wouldn't do anything where if something gets fucked up, there's no way to rescue you.

No, and I don't think it had a hatch. I think they riveted the cocksucker shut. They had it fucking drilled shut, man. So actually, what happened was probably better than the fucking alternative. Yeah, I would say so. Running out of air would be probably one of the worst fucking ways to go.

Why is Ralph? Ralph, it's the wrong fucking trailer. go. Why is Ralph? Ralph! Ralph! It's the wrong fucking trailer! Jesus, he's drunk. Fuck! Drunk. He's getting worse. Why does he come to my trailer every time he's drunk?

It doesn't even look like his trailer. Why does he always think this is his trailer? No idea. Ugh. You know what it is? He doesn't have toilet paper. That's why. He comes in here and uses it.

He smokes a lot of dope, so he probably smells the dope smoke coming out of here. He goes, ah, I'm home. Not even close. Five trailers away. Fucking animal, man. Ralph's got to get his shit together. I mean, he's been fucked for eight or nine years. All right, I got another really fucked up dish here, boys.

Oh, yeah? Stir-fried river rock dish. It's a meal they make in the streets of china oh what's more river rocks yeah man you know what back in the day when people were starving they would take rocks and they put some spices and on it boil them up a bit they'd suck on the rocks just to trick their stomach the child's trying to stomach it, and they're just going, oh, I just got fed, and they spit the rocks out. How's that for a fucking diet? We talked about this last week. A couple of weeks ago.

Did we? About what? About sucking on river rocks. Oh, fucking shit. We did. Fucked up snacks. Yes, we did, sir. Fucked up snacks.

Yep. He brought them up. Once you got born on July 7th besides Tom Cruise? I don't care, man. Otto Frederick. Otto Frederick Roadwetter. Who? Otto Frederick Roadwetter.

He's an American engineer. He invented the bread slicing machine. Jeez. What a fucking genius. Not bad. If you had a patent on that with Wonder Bread. James McCartney, father of Beatle Paul McCartney. Oh, Jim McCartney.

Mm-hmm. There you go. So it was his only claim to fame that his little swimmers made his son? No, he was Jim McCartney. He was a musician himself. Oh my fuck, Bob. You're gonna have a 17-foot boner. Really? Man. I wish I had a 17-foot boner.

Woodrow Wilson. Why do I give a fuck about Woodrow Wilson, Ricky? Because his other name is Red Sovine. Whoa! Boner time! Red Sovine. You know what we're doing tonight. We're going to crank some fucking Phantom 309 and some teddy bear.

Let's go! Give him some boner room, man. Move your legs over. Yeah, his legs must be hitting the table. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't hit me with it. Yeah, his legs must be hitting the table. Oh, yeah. Don't hit me with it. Oh, listen, what's that?

The boner trying to get out. All right, I got to go, guys. Ringo Starr. Okay, good. Also got born on this day. Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney's father have the same birthday. Bull Vine. See, we learned something. And Red Soul Vine.

We learned something new today. It's not Red Bull Vine. I don't give a fuck. It was vine. See, we learned something. And red soul vine. We learned something new today. It's not red bull vine. I don't give a fuck. It was boners, bull vine, soul vine. Move on. Red cow. Red cow. Red cow, boner, McCartney.

Jim Rodford, British rock bassist for the Kinks. I've got to listen to the Kinks a long time. It's going to be a good music night. The Kinks and Red Sovine. July 7th, 2023, the night of great music. Weird combo. And the 17-foot boner. Red Sovine, the Kinks, and some Ringo.

And a 17-foot boner. Bubble boner. Hey, I might need to have a nap, boys. You got a 17 feet. That's going to take a lot of energy, buddy. You better get a nap. Hey, man, I'll nap with you. We'll nap with each other, and we'll get drinking tonight listening to all these guys.

All right, awesome. Let's say goodbye. Everybody, see you. Thank you. Jesus, that was like the fastest goodbye ever. Cheers. That's shit to do, boys. Goodbye, motherfuckers.

Let's get cookies. See the video version of Park After Dark in Ricky's trailer. Go to swearnet.com or download the Trailer Park Boys Swearnet app.