Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 72 - Got a Head, Need a Body

Episode Date: December 9, 2016

On the last 16th day of 2016, the Boys chat about inventing an alternative to the space diaper, head/body transplants, and how an air-conditioned dome might just put a stop to ISIS. Plus: how much does Ricky charge for stealing a tiger? Episode 72 is brought to you by the Official Trailer Park Boys Store, and Neat 'King Bee' microphones!    

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Stop doing that, it's driving me fucking nuts. But it's fun. It's not fun, man. It's annoying. Laying down the beats.

Laying down the beats. Not cool, man. It's not cool. Are we gonna get this started? You tell us, you're the one that always has to fucking do the start. Every fucking week you say, we gonna get this started?

I'm not in the mood today, okay? What am I going to say, no? Do you want me to do it? Well, you're going to do it anyway. All right, what's going on, fuckers? This is the official Trailer Park Boys podcast coming at you right now. This is episode number 72. Two.

72. Big fuck up. Sorry, boys, I've just been busy as fuck lately. It's December 16th. Busy as fuck doing what? Making Christmas money. Holy fuckbuffs. December 16th, 2016.

It's kind of a coincidence. Not really, Ricky. No. Every month there's a 16th. But this is the last one. So? Well, next year it won't work. No, but it'll be December 17th of 2017.

All year, man. Next year. So, okay, we'll have to make some adjustments, but we'll get her sorted. What happened every year, Ricky? Like, Ricky. Fuck. No It happens every year, Ricky. Like, Ricky. Fuck. No, but this year is different because it's the last 16th of the 16th. But who gives a fuck?

Really? But last year, there was the 15th on 2015. Right, you can't have that this year, though, can you? No. You can't, but who gives a fuck? It's the last one. It's my fucking point, all right? But Ricky, you can only have, you could say that about any day of the year.

This is the last November 14th of 2016. There's only one. But it's not the 16th of the 16th. Oh my fuck. Anyway, there's not much happened on December the 16th. It's Florida's birthday. That's about it. Florida's birthday? Yeah. It's Florida's birthday. That's about it. Florida's birthday? Yeah.

It's Florida's birthday. No, the rapper Florida. Oh. Flo Rida. What? Flo Rida, man. His name's Flo Rida. But it's spelled Florida, is it not?

Hmm. It's broken up a bit. But he flows, Ricky. When he gets going, that's his flow. And he just rides. It's broken up a bit. But he flows, Ricky. When he gets going, that's his flow. And he just rides. He's a rider? The flow just rides out of him, I think, is what he means. Where's he from?

Riddle me that. I'm guessing he's from Florida. There you go. So that's kind of fucked. Well, that's not his real name. Probably where he came up with the name and he's... That's his rapper's name, man. Betty thinks he's pretty fucking smart to do that, eh?

Just put a little space in the name of where you're from. What would your name be in that case? Sonny. Sonny. Vale. Sonny V. Ale. Would that be your rapper name, Ricky? Yeah, I drink a lot of beer.

Sonny V. Ale. Sonny V. Ale. Sunny V. Ale. That could be your opening of your first single. We should get drunk today. I am drunk. I'm going to get drunk today. Maybe, I don't know about any more higher, but maybe. How high are you? I'm fucking pushing nine.

Jesus. I'm a solid ten. I don't even want to be here right now. Jesus. I'm a solid 10. I don't even want to be here right now. That was creep weed. No shit. I thought it was fine and now it's just like, it's like wavy. White caps.

You can handle this kind of buzz on, man. I cannot handle this kind of buzz on, Ricky. You'll be fine. I'm telling you. Just count to different numbers in your head. Count to different numbers in my head? Yeah, start with 23. Get up to there and you'll be all right.

Why 23? What's the magic number of 23? I don't know. That's usually where I start to feel normal. Sometimes I get to 33 and that's fucking scary. What do you mean sometimes you get to 33? Before I'm feeling normal and not really fucked up, I can need to call an ambulance. You can count to 33? In many languages.

Oh, fucking shit. Which languages can you count to 33 in, Ricky? French. Let's hear it. Go for it, man. That'll take 33 seconds, though. If you can count to 33 in French, I will eat this glass bottle. Oh, man. That'll take 33 seconds, though. If you can count to 33 in French, I will eat this glass bottle.

Oh, fuck. I wish I was better at French right now. I could probably get close to 10. All right. Go for it. Un, deux, trois. Trois? Trois.

Keep going. Cat. Cat is like a cat. Dog cat. Yeah. Twer? Twer. Keep going. Cat. Cat is like a cat. Dog cat. Yeah. Cinco? No. Sank.

Okay. Keep going. Six. Six. Set. Wit. Nerf Set. Wit. Nerf. Nerf.

And ten. I'm dead. You should take a bite of it. That was close. I'm not taking a bite of it. Cease. Cease is yeah. Yeah.

And what's ten? Nerf is totally wrong. I know it's spelled Dix or something. Dix? It is spelled Dix, D-I-X. Well, that's pretty good. You said you could count to 23 in lots of languages. Let's talk with some alphabet

and then we'll get back to that. I'm just wondering what other languages you know. Spain? mouth for a bit and then we'll get back to that. I'm just wondering what other languages, you know. Spain? You know Spain, the language? Well, my grandson was watching a little bit of Dora the Explorer, so I learned a few. Yeah. Does she speak Spanish or Portuguese, though? What's the difference? Two different languages.

Really? Yeah. Fuck. I just got learned. All right, I was looking up this thing. Bubbs, you should get this for him. It's a mega, magic megaphone. What? There's a mega, magic phone?

Magic megaphone that automatically translates speech into various languages. See? There you go. That's for you, man. That's what you need. So you just talk into it and then the other language comes out here? Exactly.

But then you'd hear both just be a garbled fucking mess, wouldn't it? You'd hear the English noise. Does it come out instantly or do you talk into it and then hit play?

I don't fucking know, man. Or do you whisper? That's what it should be. You should whisper into it and on the other end it comes out loud as fuck. Well, you probably get, yeah, you probably... Fuck, boy.

This is way more... Hey, Tulane, go fuck yourself. And it'll be coming over there. Mechana, fucking, fucker! Yeah, I'm sure you could turn the thing up. That would probably work. What language was that? Something over there.

One of those fucking, you know, the hot countries. They're always angry because it's so fucking hot. Mm-hmm. One of those fucking... You know, the hot countries. Mm-hmm. They're always angry because it's so fucking hot. What hot countries? Where they have... There's places in the world, Bubz, that's pretty much like a fucking...just a desert. Yeah?

Well, they're fucking angry people, from what I hear. They're always fucking doing crazy shit. Just mad with the heat. Fuck, it's hot over here. Fuck, I want to kill somebody. So you think that's the main, you know, motivation behind some of those things that happen? If you could dome it in over there and fucking cool it down.

Dome it? Maybe more water, grow some shit, make people happier. It'd be a start. Just a good experiment. So, like, over where, you know, ISIS and those people are, you think if you domed it in and just cooled the area off, they'd probably... They'd fucking chill them out quite a bit.

Get them high. But, Ricky, you can't dome a fucking entire country, man. That's not gonna happen. You don't know. Oh, man. They build domes now, Julian. Yeah, they do build domes. Not ones that'll cover an entire country, man.

Guarantee you that. Probably even fix global warming if they could do it. They would, yes. I should just keep her cooled down. What else you got to talk about? Anything fucking exciting? Yes, I do. It would, yes. I should just keep her cooled down. What else you got to talk about? Anything fucking exciting? Yes, I do.

Excellent. This is for you, bubs. This is the Space Poop Challenge. NASA is offering 30 grand to whoever solves the problem of taking a, you know... A shit in space? Yeah, because the way they're doing it now, it's not working. They still put a diaper on. It's not fucking cool. What do you mean, shitting in space?

Like while you're out doing a spacewalk in an astronaut suit? Yes, Ricky. That's where they shit. Is that what they're saying, or just on the space station? On the moon? No, like on the space station as well. What are they doing now? No, they do it, no, it must be outside.

Well, read it. What does it say? Are you telling me they don't have a good shit system figured out on the space station? Well, read it. What does it say? All right. You're telling me they don't have a good shit system figured out on this planet? Astronauts have access to some of the world's most advanced technologies, but when it comes to human waste management, they rely on a diaper. There you go. They rely on diapers?

So they need this for during launches, landings, or in case of emergencies, they have a space diaper on. Couldn't they need this for during launches, landings, or in case of emergencies, they have a space diaper on. Couldn't they just have a shit hatch? Well, yeah, but if you're landing, man, you can't get out of, you know, just suck, boys. I gotta go take a dump. That's not gonna happen. Well, you just shit before you leave.

Mm-hmm. Why do you have to shit in the middle of a fucking landing? I've been on planes before. I don't go and shit. I shit before or after. No, but, Ricky, if you're an astronaut, you don't really get to decide, you know, when you're coming in or whatever. Does the G-Force just force your shit out?

Possibly. I don't know, man. So they're asking people to come up with a method? Yeah, you come up with a method. They're like, we don't want to waste our time with this shit anymore. You guys think about it. Come to us. We'll, you come up with a method. They're like, we don't want to waste our time with this shit anymore. You guys think about it, come to us,

we'll give you a check for 30 grand. Well, if they just collected it all and formed it and pressed it into something really like a projectile

and just blasted a cannon and shot it back towards Earth and it would just get all burnt to fuck when it goes into the atmosphere. You're talking about

making a shit asteroid. Yeah. Put on a little show for people on Earth. What? Well, it's going to burn up. It's pretty high up. You're not going to smell it. Oh, man.

I don't think that's what they're looking for, Ricky. They're looking for a way for the astronauts to have the poop. Without wearing diaper? Yes. So I think the only logical explanation possibility is a tube. Shit vacuum.

A tube. See, bubs, this is 30 grand. You can come up with this easily. Shop vac. Don't listen to him, though. You could re-engineer a shop vac. You wouldn't even have

to put any work in it. You just fucking flick a switch and all your shit's gone. God, Ricky. It might suck out your intestines. No, I'm sure if it was that easy, it's not going to work, Rick. I think they probably thought of that, Ricky, but it probably sucks out your intestines. Shop vacs, you know.

You have to find just the right amount of suck. Too much would be bad. Not enough wouldn't be good. Yeah, that's true. And then you're dealing with different types of it, too. I don't know why they would even ask people that. I mean, if anybody can come up with it, it's NASA. They don't have time for that stuff, man.

They're too busy dealing with other shit. That's right. Like, you know, rocket shit, man. Getting the rockets up there, bubs. All right, well, let's think about that one. But we're going to win that third grant. That wasn't for you, Rick. It was for him.

There's no way you can come up with that. He might do. Some of the greatest inventions in the world, in history, have come from, you know... People that are crazy. People that think backwards. Like what? An example, please. You might look at words and letters and numbers and see one thing, and I look at them and

see something totally different. Some of the greatest inventions have come from crazy people. Hmm? All right, bubs. They have. The ball hat. The baseball hat. Well, I'm the smarter...

The smartest thinker at the table, for sure. When it comes to thinking up good shit. There's no fucking way, man. You think of some fucked up shit, but it doesn't make any sense. So... You're not the best thinker.

They can do anything these days. They're going to fucking transplant a human head next year. I know it sounds fucked, but it's true. They're going to transplant a head. Yeah, this Italian Nero

Sergion. Oh, yeah, I've neurosurgeon. Oh, yeah, I've heard of him. Neurosurgeon. No, well, that's not his name. That's just what he does. Oh, he's a neurosurgeon. He's really close to fucking pulling it off, I guess. Transplanting a head.

Yeah, he's got a fucking volunteer. No, he doesn't. Yeah. Look it up on your fucking magic box. Don't believe me. Human head transplant. A human head transplant. His name's Sergio something. And what condition is he going to be left in? He's not going to be able to work his hands and everything. It's, I think the volunteer is some guy that his body's not working right. And he's going to take his head and put on a body. A working body. Yeah. So, you know, if you're paralyzed or something. So just wait now.

The working body. Yeah. Somebody has to donate that to someone who has a head. So where's that head going? I don't think they have any volunteers for that part yet. Oh, do you think? Yeah. Just take my head and use my body.

Use my body. Put another head on me. No, but I mean, imagine, I mean, there is bad accidents that happen. People get fucking their head cut off and shit. So you can just take that body, I guess. But is that body usable? I don't really know much about it. I just know that they're trying to do it.

Because at some point, some poor bastard's going to wind up without a head. True. No matter how you do the math. Well, they do fucking types of transplants now. Yes. So it's not much different. Human head transplant moves a step closer. There you go.

They might, this might go up, this might go down, man. I mean, then it begs the question, like, Julian, if you were in a horrific accident and your head got cut off, like, could I have your body? Fuck, Ricky. That'd be fucking weird. Shut the fuck up. All of a sudden I'm just walking around all muscly. Why do you get it? I might want to have it.

Oh, there's the dude right there. That's the guy. He's the head? He's the head. We've got a head. Now we just need a body. Yeah. We're going to make this happen.

Okay. We should sign a document because if you do get in an accident, I'd like to have your body. Yeah. Well, this is kind of cool. This guy, I mean, he's dying, the poor motherfucker. So they're going to find him a new body. He's going to be okay. If you die, would you give him your body?

I'm too big for this shit, man. Don't hit me with questions like that. It's totally fine. Well, you don't have to be big or not big. It's a simple question. Would you give him your body? You should definitely donate your body. He wouldn't want my body. This guy would take

any body, okay? I got bad knees. Bad circulation. That would suck. You'd get a new body, okay? I got bad knees. Bad circulation. That would suck. That would suck. You'd get a new body, and it's really not great. This guy's happy. He's got a good-shaped head, though. He's got a nice head.

He doesn't have much of a neck, so slap her right on there. Would his head look good in your body, do you think? Boy is way too big for this shit right now. If you saw him with his head on your body, would you be attracted to him? No, man.

Why would I be attracted to him? Because it's your body you're looking at. You'd be like, God, that guy's got a nice body. I wonder if Leahy would still. Ask Leahy. He definitely would.

I would say Leahy's attraction to Julian is 80% body. So boys, I don't know about this, they've got a diagram of what's gonna happen there. It's a sketch. Like when the procedure is like sketched out like that. That's a lot of shit to connect. That doesn't look like, you know... No, that sketched out my head. The right people involved in this.

Buddy's going to lose his head. He's done. He's going to die. We should stop it. So Buddy just whipped up the operation. Yeah, I think we're going to do this as a jugular. It'll make sure that's not, you know, we close that up when we put the new head on. If you could do it, man, it would open up a lot of doors.

But there's no way because they've got to connect the spinal cord and they can't do that. You know what? A monkey did survive for eight days. For eight days? Yeah, then the body rejected the head. How did he do that? He just went like this? It's pretty fucked up.

It's fucked. Well, Bob, if you'd have eight days in Julian's body, would it be worth it? Well, boys, I mean, you can't do a fucking thing, right? What if they put your head on a new body and you woke up and you're all ready to go and you had a little tiny unit on you? Yeah, you're rolling the dice. What if you were a woman? No, they're not gonna put you on a woman's body, Ricky. There's no control if they got you knocked out. It's the only body available.

You don't know if you're gonna be big or small. I'm sure you get to see the body, Ricky. I don't know, man. I think this guy's just gonna take whatever he can get, really. Poor bastard. That's what I'm saying. Jesus, he could do really good, or he could do really bad.

Well, Rick, I thought you were totally fucked in the head with that story, but it's gonna go down, man. Imagine you wake up from surgery and you're fucking Randy. Jesus Christ, this is the best you could fucking do? Randy's body would not be fit for a transplant anyway, Ricky. No. No, the head would definitely reject the body.

Yeah, you're right. I need nut, man. I think we need more booze and more drinks. All right, so we've got like a few minutes left. Do we have time for Jeopardy? No.

I mean, that would liven things up a bit. You know what I mean? Maybe I don't feel like it. Well, if you don't want to, I'm the chant. Throw that out at you. You won one game. I won most of the games, man.

I want to win that poop challenge. Well, get on it, man. I'm going to do some research. If I win it, you know what I'd do? I'd buy a carrot cat. Oh, carrot cat. You would not waste... Those are like...

How much did you say that cat was? $24,300. That's insane. You can buy a fucking person for less than that. You can't buy a person. You can. There's people out there that buy people all the time. Well, it's not legal, Ricky.

Huh. You're not spending 20... What is it? $23,400 on a cat. No, man. I mean, it's a cool-looking cat. Get, man. I mean, it's a cool looking cat. Get a kid. I don't want to buy a kid.

I want to buy a kitty. I want to buy a cat, a carrot cat. You've done enough. It's almost 20 inches high. I can get you a tiger for three grand. 35 pounds, man. That's like a, this thing gets pissed off at you, you're done. He wouldn't get pissed off at me.

Why would he? Three grand. I you, you're done. He wouldn't get pissed off at me. Why would he? Three grand, I'll get you a tiger. When the fuck would you get a tiger? At the fucking zoo. Two hours from here. For three grand? Well, that's what my fee would be. So you're going to steal the tiger.

How well can you hide him? Oh, I can hide a tiger, believe me. All right. How would you steal a tiger, Ricky? I'm gonna need some training. And maybe a tranq gun. No, you're not tranqing them. And a big fucking wheelbarrow.

You'd wrestle a tiger, wouldn't you? Is that what you're thinking? No. A tiger would fuck me up, I think. Okay, good. It's not like a shark. He's saying he's going to shoot him with a triangle. He said he could beat up a shark if he got in a fight with a shark. A shark doesn't have fucking claws.

They raise a shark. Teeth, he does. I'm not worried about the teeth. It's the fucking claws. If he was declawed, yes, I would fight a fucking tiger. He can still bite you. He can still bite you, man. He'd still bite your head right off.

He'd never get the fucking chance. You don't think a tiger could get your head in his mouth? He'd fucking have a hard time. He'd have his hands full. He doesn't have hands. He'd probably be dumb, too. He'd still think he had claws, so he'd be batting you with these little fucking fur claws

that don't fucking do anything. Don't. They could probably knock your head off. If he swiped you, Ricky, he'd still be getting hit by Muhammad Ali. I've been hit with a bat. A few times. It hurts.

But it doesn't kill you. All right. You know what? What? I'm done. Liquor, cannons. Let's get some drinks going. Okay, boys.

One week to Christmas. One week. Not ready. Excited. Is it only a week? Well, it's not that far. Nine days. Nine days a week. Ba-da-da-da-ba-da.

Nine days a week. It's eight days a week, Ricky. What? Eight days a week is the song you're singing, but... But then it wouldn't work. Why? Because it's nine days to Christmas, not eight. All right.

All righty. All right, just a sec, boys. Before we go, our, uh... The merchandise. We gotta talk about the merch going on. Yeah, there's big sales, isn't there? There's still nine days to go. Lots of sales going on.

Check it out. Go to trollapartboys.com. Go to the merch section. Buy some shit. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that? Like, that's a, what is that? Oh, it's a scorpion. See, you can buy all kinds of stuff like that.

That's the scorpion. Remember I was, remember I was in hiding out that time? Your hair is fucked. It was a wig, Ricky. Oh, oh yeah. Scorpion, remember I had my leather jacket and my scorpion wig? And the Michael Jackson glove?

I don't know, I just think that. I think you just thought that. All right, tune in next week when we actually talk about something. That's probably not going to happen. Next week is Christmas. It's going to be fucking awesome. It is going to be awesome. I'm getting so fucked.

We're going to be leckered. Yeah. Want to have a drinking competition next week? Yes. We should be doing shots, Christmas shots. That's what we'll do. And we should have a shit sucker. Yeah, for 30K.

Yep. Okay, Ricky, you build a shit sucker and I'll bring shots. We're gonna do a Christmas shit sucker. You're gonna bring shots, cannons. Julian's gonna have a new head on his beautiful body. Thanks, Pops. Imagine if we switched Julian and Randy's heads. Boys, that's never gonna happen.

Just shut the fuck up. Randy, be chillin'. You should bring some finer-type foods for Christmas, too. Yeah, what are these things? These Skittles? Get some real food, man. No, you're in charge of food.

I'm not, I've never been in charge of the food. That's why you're going to be. I'll bring some food, I'll bring some food. I'll bring some food. Yeah, get some fucking really good Christmas-type things. All right, we'll see you next week. Christmas.