Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 78 - Did Ricky Drug Bruce McCulloch?!

Episode Date: January 25, 2017

Kids in the Hall alumnus Bruce McCulloch is in the trailer, and we don’t know what Ricky gave him! The Boys chat with the Canadian comedy icon about where he was when Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire, the Ten Commandments, Andre the Giant, and much more!     

These are the Daves I know, I know. Sorry. These are the Daves I know. These are the Daves I know, I know. These are the Daves I know. That guy, Dave, where you say, Dave, I forget his name, I don't really know him. And then it doesn't say anything.

Yeah. Did you really not know that fella? I did not know that fella. And sometimes I say it about Dave Foley because I've only known him for 30 years. But I don't really know him. Sorry, I almost touched your shoulder. What's going on over there, guys? I don't know him.

You can touch him. You can touch him. Yeah. He's real. He's real. Oh, he's real. Is this a new shirt? Also pretty stupid. It can touch him. Yeah. He's real. He's real. Oh, he's real. Is this a new shirt?

Also pretty stupid. It's kinda not bad. Somebody sent this to me. Who did? The fan. Look, you're supposed to iron it out, man. Look at the fucking creases and shit. And you should wash it because you don't know what the fan was doing with it. They might have been robbing it all over their unit.

Nice. Could have been in their cat litter. Just so that they could get a laugh when you wear it. That's what I'd be worried about. Has this started? Can we start this now? I think we've already started. What's going on, fuckers?

This is the official Trailer Park Boys podcast. Coming at you right the fuck now. Very excited today. We've got a special guest. Huge guest. What number is it, dummy? It's number 78? You don't have a special guest. Huge guest. What number is it, dummy? It's number 78? 79.

January 27th, 2000. We have a massive guest on the show today. Very excited. Canadian fucking comedy legend. Rick Mercer's coming on later. Rick Mercer, everybody. Rick Mercer's here. I'm upset about a few things. I'm going to walk and talk. I'm Rick Mercer. Let's Rick Mercer's here. How are you doing? I'm upset about a few things.

I'm going to walk and talk. I'm Rick Mercer. Let's do a walk and talk. Yeah, let's walk and talk for half an hour. You guys up for it? Let's do a rant. Yeah. I'm actually Bruce McCullough, ladies and gentlemen.

Bruce McCullough. As if they didn't know. You know me from Boys Down the Hall, a show that was on right after Rocket Robin Hood. That's not good. Dawn Messer's Jubilee. And then the Kids in the Hall was on right after Rocket Robin Hood. That's not nice. Dawn Messer's Jubilee. And then The Kids in the Hall was on in the early 60s. I was using kind of an East Coast accent there for you.

Yes, sir. Kids in the Hall. Can I ask? There's some things I wanted to ask you about Kids in the Hall. Please do. Do you mind? We're all gay. No.

Okay, what's the question? Okay, so you wrote some pretty crazy fucking things for that show. Is there anything you ever wrote where it was like,

no, we're not doing it. It's too fucked. There was a lot of stuff. We actually did a, we wrote a scene recently. It was our 25th anniversary and we also realized

it was the 25th anniversary of AIDS. And so we were going to do a big thing called Happy Birthday AIDS, and we rehearsed it, and we had things, and we had streamers and all that. And then we thought, I don't think we should do this. It's not as funny and ironic as we thought it was. So we said, nah, let's not do that one. Really? Yeah, that one comes to mind. Happy birthday celebration phrase. Yeah, that might not.

That might not go over so well. We should have just shot it for the fuck of it, though, because, you know, it might be funny now. Yeah. Would it be? No, probably. Put it in a time capsule in a thousand years, it would probably still not be funny.

So for the people that don't know, there's probably not many, but this goes all over the world. Kids in the Hall, Canadian fucking, just a legendary show. One of the best shows ever. Yes, sir. Cabbagehead is here. Yeah, that's me. Did you ever get your pen back? Yes, several times. I wrote that sketch just so people would send me pens from around the world.

And I've gotten over a thousand pens from places all over the planet. This beautiful planet we call Earth, as I always refer to it. So you will never be penless ever again. I will never be penless. I should have been, my money, my money. So then people would send me money and I'd have money. It doesn't work. My hundred100 bill.

But I'm fucking stupid. I'm a Canadian legend. But I live in my car. You know, I don't have that much money, guys. He lives in his car. I live in my car, too. I know you do. It's quite comfy. What kind of car do you live in? I have a 1972 Toyota Corolla. Wow. Nice.

It didn't rust out? It's still running? It rusted out, but I'm still in there. You know, whenever I fill it up with gas, it doubles in value. Okay, so right now you're living where? In Ontario? Where do you live? L.A.? I actually live in Los Angeles now.

I wouldn't live in the evil Tirana. Yeah, that's the Tirana button right there. Goddamn Tirana. Buzz, we've got some problems here, buddy. What? Oh fuck. No, no. No, this is gonna.

Oh yeah, she's jammed. She's jammed. Okay, we're gonna have to fix that. Here, take this. I did a bit of research on you because I didn't know too much other than the kids in the hall, but apparently you have a Canadian icon.

So what is that? No, Ricky. Ricky? He is. He doesn't have one. He is. What does icon mean? Oh, no. Fuck, Ricky.

Fuck, Ricky. He's an icon. He doesn't have an icon. He's not fucking Indiana Jones. Well, it may mean like a little cartoon picture of me, a guy with a jumbo head and little beady eyes that people would draw and send to me thinking it was kind of a compliment. So you do have one, okay. So probably I do have an icon somewhere, or someone could have made me one out of little beads or macrame.

There's some creative people out there who are fans. I wouldn't give you guys a middle finger because I know you'd pound on me, you'd pummel me down like you did to Scott Thompson and a lot of the other guys Julian pounded him down Julian pounded him alright but in a different way what are you talking about that's real funny man that's what he told me

he did say you cross swords I don't know what that means you guys are so full of shit you heard it from him he called a conference call to say that you guys are so full of shit. You heard it from him. You know what? And he's best friends with him. He called a conference call to say that you guys crossed swords

and I don't know what that means. That's fucking ridiculous. He wouldn't tell a fib. Scott Thompson. He didn't tell a fib. Scott Thompson, kids in the hall

or fucking carrot top Scott Thompson. Who you may or may not know is also named Scott Thompson. They're both. They're both. I didn't touch it. Oh, it just went off, did it? It did not fucking touch it. not know is also named Scott Thompson. They're both. They're both. Whoa. I didn't touch it.

Oh, it just went off, did it? It did not fucking touch it. It did not just go off. All right. We're cooking with gas here now. All right. So are you into Facebook and all that shit? I'm on Twitter. Twitter.

It's the only one I do. I'm on the Twitter. And I'm on CB Radio, which I find is a good one. My handle is Bruce. I've heard you. Yeah. My handle is Tumbleweed. I'm on there, too.

Tumbleweed. Tumbleweed is my trucker handle. For what? CB Radio. CB Radio? Yeah, I think I've talked to you. I'm rolling around in my 1972 Toyota Corolla, and sometimes I go, It's Bruce.

And he's like, Hi, it's Bruce, and he's like, hi, it's Tumbleweed here. Yes, I am. Is Smokey's there? That's... Like, what the fuck's a Smokey? It's a police officer. Tumbleweed.

I'm coming at you double knuckles. Coming at you double knuckles. That means 55 miles an hour, double knuckles. Sounds like it means something else. Well, to you, maybe. To you, double nipples. Double knuckles. Sounds like it means something else. To you, maybe. Double nipples. Double knuckles.

I know all the trucker lingo. Would you let a trucker nibble on your nipples? If you're saying I'm talking about you with double nipples. I think he's asking you. No. I mean, Bruce, would you nibble on his nipples? If that was his thing. Well, I like the good one.

That's the right one. That's the right one. Yeah, the right one. The right one's better than the left one? Yeah. Oh, the left one. Every Trailer Park Boys fan knows that. You know what happened to your left nipple. You know what happened to it. You know very well.

Tell us. I got a jam between two shopping carts. And it's mashed. It's mashed? It's flattened out. Does it still get erect or no? Ricky, I don't know. I don't pay attention to my nipples. There's something on there. A little chip.

Are you trying to get my nipple hurt? There's a chip right there, man. It's not going to work. You do have flat nipples, though. Well, this one's pinched. It's pinched shut. Speaking of nipples, I was reading this thing asking the question,

should we be taking masturbation breaks at work? What do you guys think? Why are you reading that, Ricky? Well, I just thought it was a weird question to see in a headline. You mean we don't

get them already? People do masturbate at work all the time. Did the kids in the hall take masturbation breaks at work? Well, we'd actually just masturbate, and sometimes we would take work breaks at our masturbation jobs. So basically, we were really at it 24-7 pretty much. Wow, see the things you learned. You take a break from masturbating to do some work. To do a show. Well, and it wasn't just us,

by the way. It wasn't just the five main people. It was all the support people who were there. Yeah, and if a guy came from a later courier with a package, we'd give him a place to pleasure himself and leave a package and leave a little something, and then he'd be on his way because we believe in masturbation for all. It does relieve tension. This is what Jesus walked through the earth to teach us,

that we had the freedom to masturbate whenever we felt like it. All right, that's what I always thought. Okay, you know what, have you ever been to jail? I have been, yes, I've been to jail. Okay. And you know in jail there is a lot of masturbating. You have to masturbate because there's no ladies or whatever. Well, that's a lot of the reason why people want to get arrested.

So they'll have a nice clean place in which to pleasure themselves. That doesn't make any sense. No, I'd rather be not in jail banging, like actually doing some banging, instead of trying to hide myself, you know, feeding the geese. Why would you hide yourself? I mean, wouldn't you be proud of yourself I mean the kids in the hall I must also say we had three-way mirrors so a guy if he's with himself he's not lonely because he can look and wherever he is there he is going at her well you look at yourself and there we are and then you look oh hi I'm over there too and over there and

things are going real well down here that's cool yeah okay I didn't know you guys jerked off so much in that show. Especially in front of mirrors. In mirrors. I think it's a great idea. I think it could relieve stress and, you know, productivity up. But you'd have to have a special room or something. Pants down, productivity up. Okay.

Well, how would you do it without, you know, leaving messes everywhere? Well, Ricky, oh my God. Ziploc bags, coffee cups, Ricky, oh my God. Ziploc bags, coffee cups, they're all disposable bags. Ziploc bags? Coffee cups. You know? You're not allowed to do it at work.

Well, a Trailer Park Boys t-shirt might work nicely as well. Oh, absolutely. We might have one around here somewhere. Well, Ricky, I don't think he's going to do it right now. Is it? Maybe he is. There's a toque over there.

Maybe he is. I'd be... I'd love to, but I got a show tonight, guys, and I can't waste my energy, if you know what I mean. I understand. I'm going to that show. Are you? Yes, sir. You should probably masturbate before you go.

Yeah, okay. All right, let's stop talking about jerking off. Let's get into something else here. Not just yet, because there was one other thing. Are you serious, Rick? Yeah. There's a new virtual reality. You're into that shit, right?

Oh, I'm very. Have you put the virtual reality helmet on yet? No, but I've looked at one of those click things that you can see pictures of bears. Those are decent. Is that what you're talking about? No. This is a whole helmet you put on and it's just like the holodeck

on Star Trek. It's unbelievable. You won't even believe it. It's crazy. Well, you're going to be happy about this one, Bubz, because guess what's coming? Virtual reality smell porn. Smell porn? Yeah. What? It's like a little... You put on your little goggles, but there's like a gas canister down here. You know what I mean? Ricky, that's not real. It's like a little You put on your little goggles There's like a gas canister

Down here You know what I mean? Ricky that's not real It's real Fucking look it up And what do you smell? It's different smells Like you know

Maybe like the organs Or It could be the ocean Candles Just different Organs? Like you smell What?

That's Look it up Sexy things like sandalwood, which really turns me on. Put it in your smart machine there. Just look up smell porn. Lilacs, you know, really get me going. Lilacs? What's a lilac?

The smell of sawdust really turns on my wife, so that would be good for her. I like sawdust. Yeah. Two-cycle engine or two-cycle gas. You know? Two-cycle gas gets you fired up, does it, Rick? Bacon. Hamster sweat is kind of a big one.

What the fuck are you guys talking about? They're talking about smells that get them going. Hamster sweat? That's a weird one. Sawdust? Stop talking about it. You know what? It's a pretty weird thing. God, boy, she's getting...

What are you doing looking all scared? I'm just thinking of the smell of sandalwood and lilac. Grab it. All right, let's change the subject. I pointed at it, I'm not grabbing it. You guys got something else? We gotta change the subject here. I've tried to get into this subject, and it has nothing to do with cocks and shit and masturbating. This Belgium chick travels to Silicon Valley to reclaim her disabled Facebook page.

What the fuck is wrong with people? What do you understand? I don't understand. She couldn't, she, something happened to her Facebook page. It was just disabled, so she got on the phone, called, did all that shit. Nothing happened. Like, she just couldn't get logged in? No, they fucking cut her account off or something so she flew right to you know to facebook facebook headquarters and said

give me a facebook fucking thing back whatever you call that's a big i don't think she used the fuck talk there at facebook she probably went into the front doors and was probably elegant and regal i mean she doesn't sound like she's off her hinges at all. Although that is a story that I find greatly sad. It's one of the sadder, you know, the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Tragedy. It is a tragedy, but it's not as sad, probably, as that poor woman with her disabled Facebook page.

Yeah, it is. And a great journey she must have taken. She probably took a bus, you know. She probably took a jitney. You're thinking too much about this. It's fucked. It's totally fucked that someone had to do that. It probably shouldn't be news, really.

No, it's not news. It shouldn't be news. If you got logged out of your Twitter and you couldn't get in there, would you... Don't even say it to me. Would you fly down to the Twitter place and knock on the door? Excuse me, can't get in there, would you... Don't even say it to me. Would you fly down to the Twitter place and knock on the door, excuse me, can't get in my thing here. Well, I'd probably try restarting my computer,

which I know she probably didn't. Maybe she flew off the handle a little bit and ran on down there, but, you know, I would do that first, try restarting my computer. You would troubleshoot it first. I would troubleshoot it. It's fucked, though.

I mean, it's like, you know, if the key to your house stops working, you don't fly to the fucking company that makes it and says, what the fuck, you know? Get a new locker. Couldn't you just get a new Facebook? That's very deep, Ricky. No, it's very fucking, it's stupid. Like, Ricky.

Maybe you're stupid. No, you are stupid. You're definitely. What the fuck do you have on your head, by the way? I'm the worst person here. Use my new glasses, boys. Check it out. They do different stupid. No, you are stupid. Definitely. What the fuck do you have on your head? The least smart person here. Here's my new glasses, boys. Check it out. They do different things.

Just like me. Ricky. What is the point of those? They're really neat when you bake them on mushrooms. And then you can just shut them off when you're not. So you do mushrooms and turn on your flashing glasses? Yeah. See, I thought they flashed every time you were thinking. Oh, they wouldn't be. So you do mushrooms and turn on your flashing glasses? Yeah.

See, I thought they flashed every time you were thinking. Oh, they wouldn't be flashing very often. They wouldn't be flashing that much. They wouldn't be on, I'll tell you that. There's not enough power to light those lights up in that brain. Alright, is that it? Okay, now this is more for Bubbles because he believes in vampires. There's a garlic and holy water hand-mead soap that'll keep the vampires at bay.

Order it. No, we're not. That's ridiculous. You don't store these fucking things here. There's no such thing as vampires. Add to cart. Add to cart. Yes.

I'm not fucking getting this. Order it. I would like to have some. You can make your own. What is it? Garlic and holy water? Holy water. From like a priest or something.

It's $29. Two bars cost $16. Three for $21. I would like to have some of that. I'll make you some for $10. Cash. Where in the fuck are you going to get holy water, Wrecking Church? Actually, you know what? We could get holy water. We could actually start making this shit. If they're charging $21 for three bars or so, that's brilliant. That's not a lot of markup.

Do you think holy water's real, though? Like, what's holy about it? It's been made holy. It's been made holy, yeah, exactly. By who? Isn't that the water that Jesus actually swam in? Isn't that what makes it holy water? Like a whole lake that he did, like, the breaststroke?

I heard he was a really strong swimmer as well. I think they probably would have used her up by now, wouldn they that's i don't know that would be real holy water that would just represent the value of the water you know would be up there because because jesus did the old australian crawl as we like to call it uh through that lake who's we Who likes to call it that? Me and other great thinkers of this generation. I don't know that Jesus... I don't know... If he did swim in the lake, maybe that's how that other fellow walked on top of the water, because it was holy after that. Well, it's the same guy, Ricky. Oh. I thought it was...

Jesus is just one guy. You thought it was a rock band full of, like, a bunch of members? No, Jesus is one guy who walked this earth. There's another guy. I don't want to get into this with Ricky. Marcus? Not Marcus. The fucking... Marcus? Marcus of Queensbury?

You mean the rules for boxing? Mo... Moses? Is he a guy? Moses? Moses, yeah. He's the guy that built the ark. Supposedly.

Okay. He didn't walk on the holy water Moses no Moses didn't do that he set the woods on fire is that him it was the burning tree or something no that's because so which one was the Boston Strangler he's John was that a different guy that was a totally different okay got it he's he I think he's one of those guys, though. He's in the Bible, isn't he? The Boston Strangler. Yeah, thou shalt not be the Boston Strangler. That's number eight on the thou shalt not ten.

What are they called? Thou shalt not ten. The commandments thing. The fucking thing on the tablets. Do you follow any commandments? Yeah. Thou shalt not step out on thine wife. I follow that one. Yeah one That's number four and seven

So that's a real big one My wife doesn't follow that so much But I do Well and number seven is that thou shalt not cat around On one's wife So there's a few of them that are about not stepping out on the old lady I'm not sure those are the It's something like that

Those are the ones I was given I'm not sure that's the way it's worded Don. Those are the ones I was given. I'm not sure that's the way it's worded. Don't bang another man's wife. There's a bunch, there's like, what, ten of them or something? Ten of them,

and they're all about not, you know... Don't shit where you eat. Don't shit where you eat. Thou shalt not be a hoe. We shall not steal stamps because stamps are valuable things

and people are trying to mail their letters to loved ones. Aren't they that valuable anymore? Stamps? I haven't bought a stamp in a few years. I think, I don't know, what are they, $60, $70 now? I don't know

if they're that much, but they are expensive. Yeah, they're a great value. Is it $60 for a stamp these days? If you're mailing a car. Oh, the commandment is this. Actually, thou shalt not steal a stamp. They are valued at around $60. So it's right there in the commandment, the actual price of the stamp.

So if we actually read the fucking Bible, guys, we would know what we're talking about here. I'm going to read it again. Ricky, don't read the Bible, please. You get all confused. You'd never get through it. You wouldn't understand most of the words in it. I've read it a couple times.

I didn't understand everything, but I did understand a lot, and it made a lot of sense. Ricky, you did not read the Bible cover in it. I've read it a couple times. I didn't understand everything, but I did understand a lot and it made a lot of sense. Ricky, you did not read the Bible cover to cover. I wrote the, what are the notes that you take a book and you make it shorter?

Cole's notes. I did read those. Cole's notes of the Bible? Yeah. It was quite a read. It really sets it up for you. So it just skims over the, just skims over the murderous parts.

It just takes out the best of the best. You read that. Ricky. Wow. I'd love to fucking read the Cole's notes. Yes. Of the Bible. No, I wouldn't actually.

Do you guys want to know anything that happens on January 27th? Yes. Sure, Ricky. Well, there's not a lot. Remember that fellow on Jimmy Kimmel? Which fellow? Guaydermo? Guillermo.

It's his birthday today. It's Guillermo's birthday. Happy birthday, Guermo. Happy birthday, Guermo. Also on this day, very exciting news for you, Bubbles. In 1984, John Lennon and Yoko Ono released Milk and Honey. Yes, Milk and Honey, come out. What the fuck is Milk and Honey?

I've heard it before. What is it? It's an album by John Lennon. Why do you call it that? I don't know. What does he do with Milk and Honey? I've never tried them together, but it sounds fucked. Or does he rub them all over her body and licks it off? I don't get it.

I don't know, Ricky, why he named the album Milk and Honey. It's just two weird things to put together. Well, maybe next week you should combine them and chug it and see what happens. I'm going to try because I've got to get to the bottom of it. I may have to rub it all over somebody

and see if there's a secret taste that comes out of that. Maybe Bruce can come back next week. I can go and get some milk and honey. Also on this day, Michael Jackson's hair caught fire in 1984. It was a weird day. John Lennon released an album, Michael Jackson's hair catches on fire. Same day.

Coincidence? I don't think so. It's called Yin and Yang, folks. Yin and Yang? Yoko Ono may have started the fire just to promote their album. That's the day Michael Jackson's head burst into flames? That's what they're saying. That was a terrible day.

It's a day I'll always remember where I was. It's all because he was drinking Pepsi. Where were you when Michael Jackson's hair went on fire? I was getting an ulcer operation. People ran into the operation room and go, Michael Jackson's hair is on fire. They stopped the operation. So I still have the scar.

I don't want to show you guys. But it was a memorable day. I was getting an operation. You got to see the news, though? They showed it? Oh, yeah. They wheeled the... They knew I'm a fan of television and news.

So they wheeled me in a television right a fan of television and news so they wheeled me on a television right into the operating room and you know, very... So they just stopped your operation?

Yeah, and everybody just watched the news and then everybody stopped. And were you wide open at that point? I was wide open,

wide open and then they brought in a turntable and played some of Michael Jackson's songs and of course the Jackson 5. He wouldn't have been who he was without the Jackson 5 and they played

you know a few of his songs and it was a very somber time. And what was your officer doing? Did it move to the music at all? It kind of I think pulsed along a little bit and maybe bled a little bit in time with the music and after we all sort of had said our piece and we said our prayers, we said a prayer for Michael of course and one as well. And they continue with the operation.

And I'm alive today. And I think I'm alive because of that. Because of Michael Jackson's hair going on fire. One question. How can you be a fan of news? Can you be a fan of news? I'm a fan of news. That's why I like hearing all this stuff.

How can you be a fan of news? It excites you. It. That's why I like reading all this stuff. How can you be a fan of news? It excites you. It excites you. You don't know what's coming down the pipe. Like anything could happen on any day, and the weather always changes. Well, yeah. Ian Hannemansing is there, and he's good to look at. I'm a big fan of weather as well, like news.

Yeah, weather. I mean, I can't get enough. Like, I wake up, and I go, what's the weather? I like that. Don't tell me. Say it in my wife and I go, what's the weather? I like that. Don't tell me. Say it to my wife. Don't tell me what the weather is. So that when you get to the gas station and somebody says, hey, hot enough for you?

Then you're, you know, you're ready to answer. Because if you're already, you know, I love that stuff. When you're at Hortons and somebody says that to you, how's the weather? I'm glad you like that, Bubz. I'm a big fan of the weather. Why would they say that? Can't they just look out the fucking window and tell for themselves? Well, it shuts them up pretty fast when they say, how's the weather? And you go, it's 24 fucking degrees, motherfucker. And then like, okay, so you can shut them up. It's as hot as fuck. Fuck off. No, if you're specific, I find that they go away quicker.

That's a classic. Oh, hey, hard enough for you? That's a classic. Hard enough for you? What the fuck do you think? That's usually how you should be. It's hard enough for you?

Fuck off. You know what another classic is? How you doing? Oh, are you working? Or, oh, fuck, I fucked it up.

But it is a classic. Working or hardly working? Working hard, hardly working. Same thing. It's 24 fucking degrees, motherfucker. And they'll go away. I'm going to use that. Okay, I'm going to try it.

You can actually use that answer for any question. Oh. If you walk into the bank. Can I help you, sir? It's 24 degrees, motherfucker. Only one other thing happened that I could find on this day. It's a sad one. Andre the Giant fucking died.

Oh, for fuck's sakes. No. He died on the same day Jackson's head burned up? I don't know if it was the same year, but the same fucking day, yeah. He was probably so traumatized by it. This is not a good day. It's not great when did he die

how many years ago did he die Andre I forgot to write it down it's quite a few now I never did find out but was he

actually the guy from Jack and the Beanstalk Andre the Giant yeah well it had to be no there's no

he didn't that's Jack and the Beanstalk is not real, Ricky. Yeah, okay. Yeah, tell his widow that it's made up. Just like Sandbox is real. Don't get him going.

There's no such thing as Jack and the Beanstalk. There's no Easter Bunny either. You're right. Fucking idiots. You think Andre the Giant was the giant, the Jack? That's where he came from. He was too big to be a real person from Earth. Well, also, in his defense, it is right in his name.

Giant. Boom. Andre the Giant. See, don't get him going like this. That's a good piece of evidence right there. You're going to totally fuck his head up. That's not evidence, Richard. There's no such thing as Jack and the Beanstalk.

So you think the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk became a professional wrestler who used to shove his thumb up people's arses? He was a nasty nasty filthy human being. Probably. He's big. He was big and he used to check people's oil. He didn't even have a last name. He was just, hey, I'm Andre the Giant. That's what it said on his driver's license. No, it didn't Ricky. He had a last name and it wasn't...

He climbed down and he's like, Andre. From that point on, they're like, fucking Andre the Giant. They started throwing people around and then they put a ring around him. It became a wrestling thing. They had to keep him caged, because he'd just fucking kill everybody. Do you know that when he used to go to Japan wrestling, he was so big, and the little rooms in Japan, the hotel rooms there apparently are small,

he couldn't fit on the toilet, so he used to poop in the bathtub. And he used to use the shower curtain to wipe his arse with. That's a true story. A lot of times he didn't even wipe his arse. If he was fighting, he had a big fight, he would not wipe it. That's true, too.

Go in. It's pretty gross. He would not wipe his arse. If he was wrestling somebody he didn't like, wouldn't wipe his arse. First move, slam him, sit in their face. And then check their oil. Yeah, with his big fucking sausage thumb.

His thumbs were about that big around. He was an asshole giant. That's what he was. People think he's a hero. He was a crude fucking nasty human being. Very large man and stinky. But when he used to poop in the toilet and wipe his arse on the curtains,

he apparently used to leave money for the cleaning ladies to deal with it. How nice. And, you know, he had a legendarily large butterfly collection. He did. Oh, you never see a picture of Andre the Giant without his little butterfly in that. He'd go all over the world gathering beautiful butterflies.

He did not collect butterflies. I know that sounds arbitrary. That sounds like I just said whatever shit popped into my head, but it's not true. Look it up. Andre the Giant had a legendary butterfly collection. I'm going to look that up right now. Because he was so violent that maybe the butterflies made him at peace. I think they calmed

him. You're correct there. I think you're full of shit, Bruce. I'm not getting any butterflies. Those big fucking meat hooks. There's no way he could catch butterflies. Well, that's he could collect the butterflies. Those big fucking meat hooks. There's no way he could, like, catch butterflies. Well, that's why he used the net. Well, but still. I'm going to check it out.

I'm going to get back to you in a second. I have seen pictures of him holding a butterfly net. No, you didn't. I believe. And sometimes one would just land. He could train them, huh? He had a few butterflies. He'd train them just to land on his nose.

And he'd watch them land on his nose. That's from a Walt Disney movie. Make him so happy. That's awesome. Yeah, he was in a Disney movie, too. As a giant. He was. You see?

He was. He was in The Princess Bride. It's called a mash-up. Fuck. He was in The Princess Bride. I couldn't figure this one out, Bob. But you might be interested to know something about that. What is it?

The Milky Way stole some of its outer stars from another galaxy. That's true. So the Milky Way's badass. It's like, hey, fuckface, let's go with some stars. Well, not really, Ricky. The Milky Way doesn't have a conscious thought where it's going, hey, bring that over here. So they just wait till late at night and just poach them? No, the Milky Way, it's gravitational pull

yanked some stars from galaxies that got too close to it. Must make it feel pretty cocky, though. It's way more powerful than other galaxies. I'm fucking just taking those stars. Fuck off. Ricky. It says steel.

It does? Yes. Okay. Yes, Ricky, that's what the Milky Way said to itself. Fuck you, I'm taking your stars. It's the same as going into a store with a gun and taking some shit. It's robbing it. Yeah, it's similar. It's not exactly the same. Did it happen, like, just one at a time or all at once? I don't know, I'd have to read it, Ricky, but I mean, you're talking about the...

Milky Way's got about 400 billion stars. That's quite a few. So who knows how many it jacked. But how do they know they were jacked? They're smart, Ricky.

They're scientists. They know everything. You know what? That could be a bullshit headline and we're too dumb to fucking call them on it. Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah. I don't know all the ins and outs of it, Ricky. I'm going to start putting out headlines. Who gives a fuck if they're true or not? What would be your first headline, Ricky? The moon came from another black hole. We took it.

Prove it. They can prove it, Ricky. They can prove it. Where did it come from? Nobody knows. The moon? They know exactly where the fucking moon came from. Why don't you, like, just shut it off. Just shut it down. It's gonna go on like this all fucking day.

We'll get into the science of it later, Ricky. I'll explain some science to you. All right. Andre the Giant did not have a butterfly collection, but in that search I found this, Buzz, for you. This is Andre the Giant Cat. He's 25 fucking 25 fucking pounds oh I've seen that cocksucker Chipper get over to the fucking camera zoom in on that Andre the giant cat wow got it really exciting news that is a beautiful cat that is a beautiful cat I'd love to do belly work on him it may not be that It could be a midget in the picture. What, Ricky? It's not a midget.

It could be a little lady, a little person. You know? In a cat suit. I don't think it is. I meant holding the cat. Oh. You know how sometimes pictures look different than what they really are? Oh, it could be a regular-sized cat and there's a little person holding it?

I don't think so. Oh, man. He's 25 pounds. Well, it's a doctored photo. I mean, you can do anything now. You can have, like, the head of a chicken on the body of a cow. I'm sure you've probably seen that and chuckled at that. A chow. I mean, you can do anything.

You can put a child's head on, like, an old dead woman. Why can't this just be a real fucking picture of a cat? Like, it's not doctored up. Well, then how would it be exciting and interesting on the internet then? It's a miniature couch. It's a miniature person. Normal cat. Yeah, they probably built a tiny house for it to also... It's called Tiscale.

Yeah. This is what we use in the doctoring. Tiscale? Yeah. Are you part of the doctoring community? Well, I dabble. That's my Kevin MacDonald impersonation. I dabble.

Can you do impersonations of the other fellas? Well, I dabble. And then Dave is, hmm, I'm a clever bastard. Scott is like, oh, none of you understand me. That's Scott. And Mark is like, I don't get it. Mark, I don't know. Why are we doing anything?

Why don't we do anything? Where is the, don't we have some kids in the hall of money sitting around here somewhere? None? No? Oh, okay, fine. Oh, whatever. Here's a game. The Mark one was very much longer than the other one.

Very well thought out. There was a lot of... That's if you think about it a lot. Every day. Yeah, like I lie awake looking up at my ceiling and my ceiling fan that goes around. And your picture of Mark McKinney. Mark McKinney, yeah.

Poster. Did you ever have a Kids on the Wall poster on your wall? Kids on the Wall? Kids in the Hall. No, it was called Kids on the Wall. That'd be a good show. We promoted it to put on the Wall? Kids in the Hall, I think. No, it was called Kids on the Wall. That would be a good show. And we promoted it to put on the walls, right? But we lost a lot of money on that one, too.

That would have been a great merchandise idea. Posters called Kids on the Wall. Yeah, but we lost a little bit of money. We had Scott Thompson limp wristies that we tried to promote. We lost a lot of money. What other failed merchandise did you have? Because we've had a lot. Well, we had cabbage headlights,

where you would put cabbages on the headlights of your car. That sounds dangerous. It was dangerous. A lot of good people died on snowy... It's not a great story, because that would basically just render you lifeless I mean it was just like washing poor

people go off to their death and there's no sense in having clear cabbage because then it's not real cabbage but people laughed

they put them on and then they died they died in the hundreds that sucks and it was I never heard about that

oh no we had David Himmelfarb our lawyer suppress a lot of that information because it would have ruined us. We were, at the time also, we were at the top, guys. We were at the top of the mountain.

The Kids in the Hall mountain, you know. We'd walk down the street, Kids in the Hall theme playing, or I'd be singing the Daves I Know, people behind us, you know. Did that really? Oh yeah. That was the way it was? We'd walk into Roots and they'd go, Here, have a free Roots shirt. No, they didn't. Yeah.

Oh, my God. All kinds of stuff. That's decent. We'd go into Canadian Tire, and they'd say, Hey, you guys need any electrical tape on the house? It was pretty good. You know, we'd be walking around. Free electrical tape.

Yeah, someone would come up, give us a cigar. Another guy would come from out of nowhere and just light it. Just be walking around, smoking cigars, going, Hi, Toronto. Wow. That's when you know you've made it. Yeah. Decent.

Sometimes I'd just be, I'd look up, and some guy would put a cape on me, like a velvet red cape. For no reason. It's like, wow, I guess I am pretty cool. These are the days I know I know. He thought of you like a superhero. Well, I don't wanna say that,

but that's what a lot of people did say. These are the days I know. Did Ricky slip him some mushrooms? I don't want to say that, but that's what a lot of people did say. These are the days I know. Did Ricky slip him some mushrooms? I don't know. Maybe. Is he really like this? I was told that this was just water. Well, did Ricky give you that? Yes. Ricky?

Mm-hmm? Is there anything in any of the stuff we're ingesting here? There's nothing in the beer. Okay. That's all I needed to know. That pause sort of worries me. Have you ever been on hallucinogens that you didn't intend to be on? Well, um... Just go with it. I truthfully want to say that I did a lot of acid in grade eight. Did you? And that's the actual truth. Who hasn't? Did you pass? I did pass. In grade 9, I went on to the, it was all about the wacky, as we like to call it,

and mostly the booze, starting with Southern Comfort. So you started on the acid. Yeah, I started on the acid, then I went to the Southern Comfort, then I landed on the bourbon, now as an old man, I like the vodka and the gin. But you started on acid. That's not... Yeah. It must have been all downhill from there. Well, you know, welcome to junior high. Here's some acid. Here's some windowpane acid. Here's some purple microdot, Bruce. Welcome to grade eight. Jesus. That's heavy duty.

Yep, that is. We don't start on the acid. We start on the booze. I've never done acid. Well, yes, you have. You have. Well, not willingly. No, but you've done it many times. Well, yeah, when you give it to me without telling me, which is not nice.

A couple times, I'm pretty sure you knew about it. No, we didn't. No, I didn't, Ricky. Oh, I know what else I wanted to ask you about. You directed a really cool video for one of our favorite bands. How was that? Or maybe you've done lots of them.

He's done lots of them, right? I fucked up. The Tragically Hip one was awesome. Yes. I went, Gord came to my house and he played a song and I said, let's do it for that one. And he said, what will you do? And I said a bunch of stuff. And he said, anything you said makes any sense.

Perfect. I love it. But I'll do it. Nice. Yeah. My music at work. That's correct. That was cool.

So, yeah. So you know Gord. That's really cool. Of course. Gord's awesome. Yes, he is awesome. Send me one of chocolate. I'm not eating anything, Ricky, that you have touched.

This is Ricky's new thing. He's got a rest purse. It's not a purse. It's a satchel. And of all things, chocolates. I didn't think chocolates would be in there. There's hash in there. There's probably little buds and stuff.

It's mostly just miniature peanut butter cups. I personally would keep a couple little tin soldiers in there. So if I got lonely in my hotel room and I wasn't mad at Mark, I'd just take out those little tin soldiers, and I'd go, hi, how are you guys doing? I'd have a little talk with them, and one would talk to the other, and then the other one would listen intently. And then maybe they'd say, go play, and they'd say,

oh, you want to go over and take charge and attack the lamp? And then before you know it, these soldiers were attacking the lamp and, you know, before I know it, it's time to go back to Toronto. Seriously? Really? We're just going to put this over here for a little bit. Just keep that right there. Don't do that to me.

So there's not a tin soldier, but you could have some fun with this guy. Any soldier? I don't know who. That was almost like Gavin there. You got on a little bit of a, a little bit of a Gavin rant. He could be talking with a dolphin. The dolphin's like laying on the beach and he's just like. Say, why did you die, dolphin?

Well, I died because the planet is dying. Don't you know that? All the animals know that. Why don't the people know that? He's dancing. Is that too serious for you guys? No, we like to talk serious stuff. I thought this podcast was all about the truth.

We were going to bring out the big truths. Like Andre the Giant was a guy who fingered his opponents. And collected butterflies. And all kinds of things like that. Collected butterflies. Yeah. Collected butterflies and fingered them. Well, the world is fucked.

I'm kind of afraid. Well, and one old Yoko and her, you know, her honey mountains. Would it be called finger if you used your thumb, though, or would it be thumb? Thumb. Yeah. You like thumbing people. Men. Well, what about when you say, let's go thumb a ride?

Like, that's just, you're going to stop a car, jump on it, finger the driver and hope he gives you a ride? I don't think so. I think that's actually hitchhiking. I don't know if you guys, we still do that in L.A. Well, that could maybe be in Car Fuckers. That was another one of your projects. Yeah.

That was a doozy. For the people that don't know about that one, you should definitely Google that one. It is a short film about people that fuck their cars. Especially true for me, because I'm polyrhythmic, which means I have a period every 14 days. But still, women are the mothers of mankind. Even though I don't have any children,

and probably never will due to my rhombus-shaped vagina. But still, you men, you think that just because I'm childless and that I bleed all day, that I won't understand the internal workings of a combustion engine! Give me a break! Where's my car? Excuse me, lady. You cannot go back there. I do not want to ruin your lovely pink outfit.

Get away from me, you greasy, greasy, greasy... Wait! Get back in the back, you bitch! Yeah, well, there's... Who's the mechanic, my friend? Who's the mechanic, my friend? Who's the mechanic? Guys, guys, stop! Stop! That's one of my favorite things. Not doing that, I mean the show that you made. I've never actually done that, obviously.

Have you banged a shopping cart before? No, how would you do that? Did you ever bang a go-kart? No, Ricky. Wheelbarrow? Skateboard? Trampoline? Sofa?

Vacuum? Redhead? No. When have you? No, you haven't. I've? Look, I've done a lot more than you think. Believe me. Really? I've been with hundreds of ladies. Hundreds? I've talked, I've talked to

hundreds of ladies. I bet you haven't even talked to a hundred ladies, like 100 in your life. I bet I have. Oh, ladies. You mean when you phone up the operator and go, Hi, who am I? I haven't talked to an operator in years. Do they still have operators? Not real ones. Oh, yeah, they're still in those little booths with their headsets on.

Clatching cables in. Yeah. You see a phone go, I want to talk to New York City. They go, right away, here comes New York City. Get me Lorne Michaels at Rockefeller Center. They go, patching through. What's he like? You know Lorne Michaels. What's he like? Oh, he's a gentleman. Is he? Yeah. He's a land baron. He's a wonderful man. Is he a land baron? Yeah. You wrote for SNL. That's pretty crazy.

Yeah, sometimes people would work all night. It's like working in a fucking factory. Is it crazy writing for that show? Like nuts? Yeah. And then... Did they have masturbation breaks? No, they didn't,

which is why sometimes that show isn't as good as it could be because there's a lot of pent-up aggression and sexuality that isn't expressed yet so are people laughing as they're writing that show or are they just like holy fuck we got to get this they're just like 11 hours and we're dead we're dead we're failing stress it's just a stress it's a lot of a lot of stress and then they walk down the hall to the vending machine and get something to eat and then things are better they should masturbate after the vending machine and then go back to work. A masturbation vending machine would be a great idea. That's a great idea.

You just put in a quarter and it does it for you? It would be more than a quarter probably, but yeah. They could have different parts for different people. How much would you pay? They have them. A masturbation vending machine. They have them in Japan, I swear. How much do you pay?

I don't know. I've never used one. Is it a handy or a mouth hug or what is it? It's sort of a little pocket-shaped device that does this. But first it says, how are you feeling today? You're looking sexy there, soldier. Or you can pick any voice you want. You know? So there's kind of like a foreplay thing going on. Yes.

Do you use a condom? I don't use the fucking things. You're asking the wrong person. You should go get tested, man, because a lot of people are banging those things over there. Do they have one for women? They should. It'd be a lot easier. Yeah, they're called washing machines. They just sit on them. Does that actually one for women? They should. Be a lot easier. Yeah, they're called washing machines. They just sit on them.

Oh, yeah. Does that actually work for women? They sit on it and they... It's the spin cycle that gets them, apparently. That's what I've heard. I would think that works. They're lucky. I wish I could sit on a washing machine and have some fun.

What? I just wish I was a woman sometimes. Well, and also for them, it's also the satisfaction that their clothes are getting clean at the same time. It really takes them out. It really gets them going, you know? Ricky, not to backtrack, but how often do you wish you were a woman? At least once or twice a month. Once or twice a month?

Well, their bathrooms are always cleaner at restaurants. You know, there's lots of privileges. They get better hairdressers than we do. Do you sometimes get confused when you think about, you know, wanting to be a woman? I have, yeah. Did you ever hear of, uh, no. I'm not going to get into that. What?

Nothing. Nothing, man. Get into it. We should talk more about this, Ricky, because you might be able to be a happier person if you figure some shit out. All right. All right? Well, on that note, let's get drunk and we'll talk about this. I'm glad this is out in the open now, guys.

Well, it's nice that men can get drunk and talk about their feelings, and women can stay sober and talk about their feelings. See, once again, they're lucky. That's kind of the difference in a nutshell. No, we definitely have to get drunk to talk about our feelings. I have no intention on getting drunk and talking to him about being a woman. You gotta talk to him, man. Seriously. You can. I'm not getting into that.

It's cool to fucking figure shit like that out these days. I'm not getting into that. I'm there for you, buddy. All right. Cheers, man. Cheers, everybody. Cheers, guys. Are we going to get drunk?

We're going to get drunk. We're going to talk about Rick and... Start confusing him. His show. It's going to be awesome. Yes. I can't wait. Is this the Trailer Park Boys show that I'm on?

I was told I was going to be on the Trailer Park Boys show. Yes. So is this the Trailer Park Boys show that I'm on? I was told I was going to be on the Trailer Park Boys show. Yeah. Is this the one that goes all over the world and people like it? No. Yeah, we've been making it now for the last 30 minutes. Did you not know that? Yeah, but this isn't really the show. Oh.

Well, I mean, I think it is, isn't it? We could turn it into the show. I just mean there's cameras pointing at us and it's some type of a thing. Well, it's not really the show. It's a show. Yeah, you're not really in a trailer, Perk. Now, if we were to leave here and go fuck with Leahy, then it would be the show. Do you want to do that? Do you want to go fuck with Leahy? Yeah, I do.

You guys have to return me the favor and come on my CB radio show sometime. Come on your CB radio? I'm pretty busy these days. Okay. Come on your CB radio. I'm going to learn some good CB chatter. I can teach you all the lingo, Ricky. All right, let's do that.

We're going to go on your show. Let's get that going. Ricky, let's get drunk. We have a lot of talking to do, buddy. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you. Thank you for having me, guys. Thanks, man. Cheers, let's get drunk. We have a lot of talking to do, buddy. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you. Thank you for having me, guys. Thanks, man. Cheers, man. Thank you. And the show, what's

your... People, by the time they see this, it's over anyway. You totally just fucked up. What's the live thing called, though? Don't know. It has no name. It's a marketing thing. There's no name. It's a pop-up show. Just in the middle of people being in Timmy's, for example, I'll just jump up and start doing the show they'll hear a good sort

of like the flying pig sort of like the flying pig I just show up I do my show and it doesn't ever work nice and check a punch drunk young check it out no Ricky that was Adam Sandler young dunk punk yeah I'm Adam Sandler. Young, drunk punk. Yeah, I'm Adam Sandler. Coming at ya. Hey, that's what I usually do. It's okay. He was good at it. Just fucking sign off. Alright, cheers fuckers.