Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 8 - Kraft Dinner Muscle Meal

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

Julian and Ricky concoct a new Kraft Dinner dish - with one weird f**king ingredient! The Boys also discuss Arnold Schwarzenegger, facts about the sun, and a woman who thinks she's a horse. Also: The Boys rebuild a Boeing 787!

I Ricky! Ricky! This is crazy! I don't know how to work it! Where's the power button? Jesus Christ! Ricky, where's the fucking power button? There! Holy fuck, I've never had it that loud before! Hey! We turned off the fucking music! Ricky! What are you doing, man?

What do you mean, what am I doing? It's 160 fucking dB coming out of that thing. Well, I'm down there. I couldn't hear it very well. Well, then drag the fucking unit down there and you can play it at a regular human level. It's big and it doesn't really fit through the fucking hallway. So you just put it on fucking roast and leave it on all night. I like loud fucking music.

We got earmuffs on? What the fuck? What are you doing? What are you talking about? Did you have those things on? Unbelievable. You put those on, you can't hear as well. No, they're wireless headphones. They're not, Ricky.

They're not. I couldn't get them working. That's why I had it so loud. Oh, my fuck, Ricky. What is wrong with your brain? Ricky, these are earmuffs for the winter. That's why you couldn't hear it. See? Can't hear. So you put these on, then you keep cranking that up because you can't hear it. I thought they were headphones, but I guess that's why they weren't working.

Do you see any buttons on them? Last night I did. I thought that said beats. Ricky, there's no lights on them. There's no anything. How in the fuck could you think there's no speakers in them? It felt like there's something in there and there's, that's a little, isn't that a Bluetooth-y thing right there? No, that's a tag, bud. It's a tag. Well, that explains a lot. Holy fuck. No one was getting so fucking frustrated last night. Jesus Murphy, that was loud. Go deaf, Ricky. Less than an interview.

All right, so I guess you guys are here. What are you looking at? Are we doing this? I'm looking at a fucking magazine, bubs. Is that a skin bag? Yeah, it's from 1971, though. It's decent. It wasn't.

Here, get it back. Come on. That's Jaloo. What is it? Jaloo. Jaloo? Ricky, where'd you get that? I got that from Moe.

Can I have that? I guess so. I'd like to have that. I should ask Moe, though. Well, he does like it. He plays with the fucking thing. 787 Dreamliner. Decent. No, I wouldn't take it from Mo, but I'd like to look at it.

Come on, Julian. Put down the skin mags. Put your boner away. Fuck, was I making food? I was, and then I forgot about it. You're going to fucking burn this place down, Ricky. You're going to burn it down. All Ricky. You're gonna burn it down. All right, do you want to get this fucking thing started or what?

Yeah, let's. I thought I've been thinking of a way of starting this thing. I think I got it. What's up, fuckers? This is Perk After Dark. You're watching it right now. This is not live. It's recorded.

It's a good thing you put in a lot of thought. I'm even thinking about that. There's a second part, but you guys are fucking me up. Yeah, what's going on, fuckers? This is the Park After Dark. You're watching it here, live with Ricky Julien of Bubbles. Wow! That's really something you came up with. Well, at least somebody's trying to make this fucking show a little bit better. That's really something you came up with.

You brought your smart box, did you? Oh, there's some things. It's a laptop. There's some shit we can talk about. Superpower. What are you doing, man? Just looking at the fucking lines, the aerodynamic lines of the 787 Dreamliner.

How accurate do you think that is, man? Oh, I think it's fairly accurate. Scale. I mean, the fucking landing's fairly accurate. Scale, I mean... Except for the fucking landing gear is fucked. No, that's... that's... No, look, that's proper. I don't know. The wings seem awfully skinny right there. I would want a fatter wing.

Bob, it's a fucking toy. Jesus Christ! Kidding me? That's Moe's fucking plane! He just fucking destroyed it! I didn't mean to fucking destroy it. All right. Can't have anything nice.

Hey, man, I can go back together. He's going to be home in about 40 minutes. Oh, fuck. Put this together. You blew the wings right off of it. That's funny. That's hilarious. Oh, no.

She just clinks back together. She's right back together. Don't worry about it. Fuck, why did it take me so long to put this together if you guys did it that quick? Ricky, how long did it take you? Two hours. But I think I had to make this.

Ricky, it's just, look, I'm not even looking at the directions. It's just, there's slots and things. Maybe that's the problem. You shouldn't look at the directions. Well, why would you need to look at directions? There, I fixed it. Okay. That's fucked.

How easy that seemed to be. That took you two hours? Well, I think I had to maybe build this part. What were, did you use tools and stuff to build it, like screwdrivers and shit? Don't remember. It was a blackout put together. Well, it looks good now.

Yeah. Except for that little missing part. Yeah, you wouldn't want that to happen in midair. I seen one of those on May Day where something ripped off. This whole back section came off in the middle of the air and they didn't fare out too well. No, you can't fly without this

vertical stabilizer. You're fucked. How come a bird doesn't need one? Because he's not a fucking jet, Ricky. So, Bob, the fuel's in the wings, right? Correct. And there's a central fuel tank. But most fuel is's in the wings, right? Correct. And there's a central fuel tank. But most fuel's carried in the wings. What kind of bird would have to fucking get sucked into this jet to take the thing down?

Not much of one. A chickadee. No. Well, not this one, Ricky. A Canada geese? A chickadee would fuck all. Canada geese would just get mulched to fuck in that thing. What about an emu?

An emu? That's a big fucking bird. That could be a problem. His body's about that big around. You might, you might, but I mean the engines on this cocksucker,

they're 10 feet in diameter. Did you hear in China that they were fucking, before people were getting on the plane, they'd throw coins into the jet because they thought

it was good luck? Oh, brilliant maneuver. That's not a smart thing to do. They were doing it, man. Oh, my God. If I was getting on a jet and I saw a little fucking person throw a goddamn

coin into a fucking jet engine. That's what happens. Some guy did it. These guys fucking tackled him. Took him down to the ground, gave him the elbows and knocked him out. Oh, it's good luck. Here, let me just throw a fucking piece of iron in there. An iron bar, for good luck.

Okay, Ricky, it's just so you can play with it. Is the battery going in there? No. No, it's a wind-up toy. Here, let me just... I'm gonna get a wing in the back of teeth here, boy. What's this fucking thing? We can go back together. He can figure it out.

Moses is my record. Okay. Alright, let's start this, baby. So what do you got cooking over there, man? I got some hot dogs. When did you put them on? These started cooking last night, and then I passed out. Help yourself.

Ricky, you can't just set a hot pan right on your table. Yeah, they're warm, man. Burn your fucking table. No, I did make these for breakfast, but I think they might have got overcookered a little bit. They got overcookered? Yeah. What is itookered? Yeah. What is it?

Those are nice. It's that company that makes the cheese pasta. Kraft Dinner. Yeah. Those are nice dogs. Do you have any mustard, Ricky? A little dip? You know what?

My brain doesn't remember what's in my fridge from one day to the next so just a minute so this is kind of lame you just made leaners and fucking not only do I have mustard you know what boys

I can't make fucking gourmet meals every god damn week it takes planning you know what that's where you're wrong you can't well maybe

we're gonna make something gourmet right now Ricky fuck this don't just chop these things up just wait now I'm eating mine I'm not gonna, Bob. Just chop these things up. Just wait now. I'm eating mine. I'm not going to touch yours. Here, just chop these things up.

You got a fucking knife or something? I doubt it. You can't use a drumstick. It's working, isn't it? Alright, we're going to chop up the fucking wieners. Chop up the wieners. Here, I got this. Jesus, man.

Cut your hand off with it. You got any more fucking pull on this thing? Fuck. No, I got it. Boys, be careful. That's a fucking electric knife. Don't be fucking doing that, Ricky. You're gonna end up cutting somebody's fucking finger

off here, man. You're ruining the fucking blade, you know that, right? You know what? It's not ruining anything, Bubz. Why won't mustard come out of this cock, shocker? Why is the mustard not coming out? Don't move, don't move. I was gonna cut some. I wasn't gonna cut you. I wasn't going to cut you. Get that fucking thing away from me.

Where'd Ricky go? I don't know. All right, I'm back. Why doesn't he empty the fucking water in the sink? There we go. All right, Rick. What are we going to do, man? Fucking sun came out.

Throw a bunch of this cheese in it, because you cooked the shit out of that pot, so it's gonna taste like shit. And not cheesy enough. This is how you eat, like, a seven-limes human being. What am I doing? You want some of this shit in there? Throw all this shit in there. Good.

That's how you fucking make crap dinner, boys. Not fucking around, buffs. With cheese slices. Cheese slices. And we're going to go to this shit here, the powdered shit. Dump all that crap in. Jesus Christ. All right.

Dogs, protein. What the fuck is this? I think that might be milk. There's a wiener down there. This is how you make, this is how muscle men make fucking crap. This is a muscle fucking kind of milk kind of thing. Muscle meal. It's a muscle meal. Arnold Schwarzenegger muscle meal.

Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger got drop kicked? Who the... Oh, man, I wish I was there. I would have beat the living daylights out of that guy. What do you mean he got drop kicked? Who drops Arnold Schwarzenegger like that? He didn't drop him, though. He fucking bounced off.

He bounced right off of him. What an asshole. Arnold Schwarzenegger was over in South Africa, Ricky, and he's just standing there signing something in a gym for a fella. This guy runs from about 40 feet. Double fucking foot pump drop kick to the back. Seriously?

Arnold just goes like that and turns around like he just got bumped into. What the fuck's up with that, man? Don't know. Julian, you must have been not happy. Up with the lid. I was not happy with that fucking thing, man. Yep, drop kicked Arnold for no reason.

Don't drop kick Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's fucking bullshit. Are you done with my mustards? I guess so. All right, let's... He's older, you know what I mean? Bullshit. Are you done with my mustards? I guess so. He's older, you know what I mean? He's a senior citizen because back in the day, Arnold probably would have fucking snapped his neck like... Is he still on the hot scale or the not scale for you, Julian?

Hot or not, what are you talking about? I don't find Arnold Schwarzenegger hot. I respect the guy. What? When? When did that change? What are you talking about? I'm not into dudes.

You used to say... You know what? He's maybe... People can... Maybe he's handsome, okay? I'll say that. I'm not saying he's hot. He's just a good-looking dude.

But you used to say he had the perfect body. That's how you used to describe him. Yeah. Well, how you used to describe him. Well, how many times was he Mr. Olympia, man? I mean, you've become Mr. Olympia because you have the perfect fucking body. I don't know. I'm not the Schwarzenegger expert. You are. You used to say, God, his body is gorgeous. I did not say that, man.

That's what you used to say. No, man. He has the most gorgeous body I've ever seen on a man. He's got a massive fucking frame on him. A what? Frame. No, man. He has the most gorgeous body I've ever seen on a man. He's got a massive fucking frame on him. A what? Frame. His frame.

Honestly, man, don't start making it look like I'm... He used to drive Julian crazy trying to figure out how to work his ass. To get the perfect ass like Arnold. But you could never figure it out. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I didn't. Ricky, sling me a beer, would you? Looks like we've only got chocolate milk. Throw it in, man.

Ah, boys, chocolate milk. I'm telling you, it's gonna fucking taste great. All right, fire it in. Sling me a beer, though. I got a hot dog lodged in my throat. It just expired expired probably. Can't tell, so it must be good. Green bastard.

Ricky, you know you shouldn't leave your door open that long. Why? That's what drives up your electric bill. Bubbs, he's got a fucking light that stays on in his fridge. He's got a lamp in his fridge. I don't pay electricity anyway, Jacob does. It's totally fucked. Okay, should we get started?

Oh, my God. Let's get started, man. I don't know about this one, boys. I think we took it too far. Well, you got to heat it up, don't you? It is heated up. It is? Why isn't the cheese melting?

Oh, it's all melted to fuck, man. Let me see. Oh, that looks decent. It doesn't smell great. I'm not gonna lie. I'll taste it. Just put it in the microwave for a little bit, I guess. Not in the pot, Ricky! Not in the pot.

Ricky, you don't put pots in the microwave, do you? Metal pots? I don't know, don't you? Just dig in. Do you got a fork? I don't know if a't you? Just... Dig in. You got a fork? I don't know if a fork's gonna be much... Jesus, that's about as cheesy as you can fucking get her. Oh yeah, that'll be all right. She doesn't get much cheesier than that, boys.

All right, are we gonna start this thing? I just wanna try this. Just wait. Let me get a weenie. I'm going to show it to the... It doesn't look... It's pretty nice. It looks like beans and wieners, man.

With a little hint of chocolate. Yeah? No. You know what? The hint of chocolate, I'm not... I'm going to tell you, it's not great. I didn't think it would be. Okay, you don't make The hint of chocolate, I'm not, I'm going to tell you, it's not great. I didn't think it would be. Okay, you don't make Kraft dinner with chocolate milk, then.

The hint of chocolate is not singing to me. It's not bad. It's not bad, but... It might grow on you. I don't think it's going to. But it is distinctly chocolate flavored. Yeah, it was, maybe, yeah, it's too much chocolate. Fuck's sakes.

Now I've got to not eat breakfast. Oh, you know what, Ricky? It's kind of growing on me. It's kind of like a it's kind of like a dessert. It's fucking, you know what, it is growing on me a little bit but it's weird. It is weird. It's like, it almost tastes like maple syrup. Oh, fuck, let's put some of that in.

No, I think maple syrup will make it really fucked. Apparently I came up with some fun facts about the sun last night. Just mix that up a bit, bud. That'll get rid of the chocolate. Oh, that's whiskey. Just mix her up. Yeah. That's what a chef would do.

Did he fuck it? Oh yeah, he fucked her. He fucked? Well it tastes like that. It tastes like whiskey now. You just gotta mix it up though. It's got a strong whiskey flavor. You know what? Now that it's mixed... You guys wanna get to learn about the sun a little bit?

Sure man. What's get learned about the sun a little bit? Sure, man. Do I have a record? What's going on? Okay, here's some facts about the sun. Our friend, Mr. Heat. All right. You know what? That's nice. Is it really? The whiskey kind of neutralized the chocolate.

It neutralized the chocolate. Told you it would, man. Prepare to have your head exploded. All right. Told you it would, man. Prepare to have the head exploded. All right. At its center, the sun is 15 million degrees Celsius.

Yeah, I knew that. That's fucking warm. Well, it's not warm, Ricky. It's fucking crazy hot. There's nuclear fission going on in the center. I bet you it melts a piece of ice pretty quick, that temperature. You wouldn't get a piece of ice within fucking 100,000 miles of that thing, Ricky. A million miles of it.

This part I didn't understand. It says the sun is all colors mixed together, and that's why it looks white to us. What the fuck does that mean? I hate reading facts that you don't understand. You took all the lights in the color spectrum from black to white. If you jam them all together,

it turns into white. That doesn't make sense. When I jam yellow and blue and green and all those paints together, it makes a fucking purpley brown. But you're not dealing with the fucking intensity of gamma rays

and things like that. Okay. All right. It's every color, Ricky. But when you mix that up in a pot with nuclear fission, it blasts out like white. Sometimes it looks orange. Sometimes it looks red.

Sometimes it looks blue. Well, not blue. I guess that's a moon The moon and the sun aren't the same right? Hmm No Blue moon

Black hole The sun I thought blue moon meant when there's like three or four four moons in one month I think it's just a term that Elvis

came up with. Blue moon. A blue moon. I've heard it once in a blue moon. Blue moon to keep on shining bright. Gonna bring you back to my baby tonight. A blue moon. I keep shining bright.

I say blue moon. The sun, they say, and this must be just a guess because there's no way they could really know. They say the sun is 4.6 billion years old. That's old. I wish I could get that old. Ricky. How would they, it's just a guess though, right? No, they know.

How? Someone was here and left a record? No, because they. Hey, the sun got born today. They can tell by the light that it emits. They can tell how old that light is, like when it left and when it's getting to us. Because it travels at the speed of light.

Speed of light's around 400,000 kilometers a second. So if I'm feeling a piece of heat right now, that piece of heat was sent down from Mr. Sun a long time ago. Very long ago. That's pretty neat. It's got to travel, you know. So if I said, hey, bud, you wouldn't hear that for a while. No, Ricky.

Speed of sound, you wouldn't hear it for hundreds of millions, billions of years. The speed of sound, sound only goes fucking 800 miles an hour, Ricky. Fuck, that's not very fast. Not compared to light. 400,000 kilometers a second. That's pretty quick. I'd love to go that fast. What do you got going on over there?

I'm just looking at this poor chick here. She's too hot to work, it's saying. Woman claims she can't find a job because of her good looks and she's like god just got out of university i believe her same thing happened to me look at that check her check her no this is her not really i don't know what the is she can't work because she's too good looking. What the fuck? I think she could probably... I think she's fucking lazy. She shouldn't have got the lip job, maybe.

It's lazy and it's a fucking excuse. Get off your ass and start working there, honey. I think it is an excuse. You can find a job. Yeah. If you've got Ricky calling you lazy to get off your ass and get a job... You're lazy. You're fucking lazy at that point.

Too hot to get a job. Fuck off. Colored her hair. I don't know what the... Maybe... Go get a job in the hot sector. Well, it's not fair because, I mean, she is very smart. What's the hot sector, Ricky? You can be a model, a stripper, or a hooker. There you go. Easy job. For what? If you're hot... What the hot sector you go.

So if you're hot, you can get a job as what, a model? Stripper. Yeah. Or a hooker. You can get those jobs whether you're hot or not. I'm just saying you could. Rick, it's people like you that's fucking totally ruining the world these days, man. No, women, it doesn't matter.

What are you talking about? You can get jobs. I mean, I've seen some not great looking people working around the park. I agree, but she's saying she can't get a job and that is fucking bullshit. Well, yeah, I mean, she can. Oh, she's completely full of shit.

She's completely full of shit, then. I've seen better looking people working at McDonald's. When was the last time a boss said... That's an easy job. Yeah, but boss, she just got out of university. She doesn't want to go fucking work at McDonald's. Well, fuck her! The job's a job. She can't be saying I'm too hot to work.

A weather lady. A weather lady. There you go, a weather lady. Or a fucking lawyer. A lawyer? Get me out of jail. I've seen lawyers that look like fucking Rumpelstiltskin. She couldn't be a lawyer. I agree with her on that. Holy fuck. Okay. If she could do

this, maybe she'd make some money. This lady is fucking... When was the last time a boss was like, I can't hire her. She's too hot. Check this shit out. This chick, this woman, major fucking fan of horses Check this shit out. This chick, this woman, major fucking fan of horses, right?

Look at her go. She's like, I'm not fuck walking on two feet. I'm going to prance around like a horse. She can jump. There's more. There's more. She's just drunk. Here we go. She's in a studio, man. So she's a horse, is she?

Whoa, can she ever fucking jump? Show me something. She's a drunk. Here we go. She's in a studio, man. So she's a horse, is she? A horse lady. Whoa, can she ever fucking jump? Show me something. She's a horse lady. I'm not impressed. You want to be freaked out? Just a second. You better fucking impress me. Try to zoom in. Fuck off.

Yeah, check this out. She's a horse lady. I'm still not seeing it. Check that out. A double jump. Lands it, no problem. But why? Look, boom. Why? She's a horse lady.

Check that out. Fuck off. I'd like to meet the horse lady. Is this the girl that said she can't get a job? No, no, no, no, no. I know where she could get a job. Where? At the horse track.

I'm sad. No, no, there's another way. Get a job at the horse track. Just a second. Jumping over barrels. She can do it, man. Jumping barrels. I would pay.

I'd hire. See, I would pay to go watch this woman do this because. I would pay for her not to come anywhere near me. I find this very. I find this fascinating, man. She's fucking weird. Check this shit out. She's like a fucking.

Julian, how come you're getting hurt? Well, I don't know, man. Something about this thing. Look, check this out, bubs. Look at her. Jesus, she is. Right around, doing laps around the yard. She is quite graceful.

Whoa. Why? She doesn't give a fuck. Slow motion. But she doesn't look like, she looks more like a bunny rat. Check out this. She looks more like a bunny. Man, you're into some weird shit.

Oh, man. Boom. Oh, I know he is. Look at the landing, though. She lands it like, I don't give a fuck if it's my arms. I'm a horse. She's more like a rabbit. No, that's a horse, man.

It's kind of like a dog. Why don't you go marry her and have some horse kids? Why don't you go have horse babies? Some muscular horse kids. I don't know, boys. If there's something, tell me that doesn't turn you on a little bit. Not even 1%. That?

Come on. Not even a minuscule amount. It makes me want to fight her, to be honest. I wonder where she lives. It makes me want to just calm her down. Just get her up to the trough and she's on Instagram. Calm her down. I'm telling you, man, there's something about it. Just get her up to the trough and let her lick some water and cool down. If you got to marry her, you might have the right gene pool

that you guys, your kids could win the Kentucky Derby. Whoa. Oh, fuck. Okay, she's... This is another video. We better hurry up and finish this so you can go to the bathroom with your fucking smart machine there and have at her. With your horse.

I mean, you've always been turned on by horses. No, I haven't. With their muscles and their big cocks. Why would you say that, man? Rick, you weirded. I left my, um, I left a mix tape here. Do you know where it went? I need it.

No. Mix tape. Was it in the Walkman? Mo took the Walkman with him to the grocery store. Ricky, where the fuck did you get that? Uh, it was in the trunk of a car that I was borrowing a few things out of. Decent! Do you know how to play the...

I bet you I could figure it out. Trumpet? That's not a trumpet, Ricky. It's brass. It's a French horn, man. Bubbs, you don't know who said... Decent! I bet you I could figure out.

I don't even know how to hold the cocksucker. Not like that. I don't want to hurt my... Oh, it's got a little... Uh-oh. Oh, man, don't break my how to hold the cocksucker. Not like that. I don't want to hurt my... Oh, it's got a little... Uh-oh. Oh, man, don't break my fucking brand-new trumpet. That's the thing that released the spit. That's not...

That's a little... That's a little tune. Well, there's another thing that you just fucking pull out and all the gob comes out of it. You can fit a million... A million... Yeah, your mom's lips. You can fit a million earths inside the sun.

I didn't know that's a lot. A million. Yeah. God. Maybe you should stick to guitar. I don't know why the... Anyway, I might come over and play that later, Ricky. You're welcome to, as long as I'm not here.

I don't want to hear it, boss. I might get into that. I might do a tutorial on YouTube. How to play the French horn. Here's one thing that's scary. I don't know how long we're going to live, but eventually the sun's going to consume the earth. Did you know that?

Yes, Ricky. When all the hydrogen burns, the helium will still burn for 130 million more years, but it's going to expand and it's going to consume Mercury, Venus, and Earth. Yeah. Eventually our sun, which is a star, is going to go supernova. It's going to fucking expand because all it's burning is helium and then kablammo. She fucking explodes and that's it for our fucking,

our little solar system. Okay, so you said it takes 400,000 years for it to reach Earth? Boys, that's going to happen in like like, maybe 10 or 12 billion years. We're not going to be alive, trust me. What if they have the Han Solo freezing, like, ice cube? Even Han Solo couldn't be frozen for 12 billion years. Why couldn't he? Because carbonite doesn't last that long.

All right, okay, settle down. I didn't have a... You're smart, man. You know a lot of stuff. I don't know a lot about carbonite. I don't think it's even a real thing, but... It says the light from the sun takes eight minutes to reach Earth, so that's... I don't know.

Is that good? That's pretty fast. Eight minutes. That's not right, man. No? No. Something doesn't seem right there, but it could be, because let's do the math quickly. Yeah, could be.

I don't give a fuck, Bubz, really. I'm just... All you give a fuck about is female horses. No. And Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, there's a guy that's in jail here that declares himself a disciple of Bacchus to receive wine with every meal. That's not too bad.

We should fucking use that. Maybe I should say I need this to, you know, pray or something. I don't know. Boy, somebody's got to run me down to the Legion. What's going on at the Legion today? I left my guitar down there, and I got to go get it. All right. Because I know fucking Ronnie will be down there trying to sell it.

All right, well. We're done. Wasn't much of a fucking P.A.D. I think it was fantastic. Ate a hot dog. Made liquor and chocolate. Craft dinner. That bit of whiskey.

Julian got hired watching a horse lady and. And hired talking about her own getting drop kicked. Can't ask for much more than that. Double boner.