Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 82 - Man About Town

Episode Date: February 27, 2017

The Boys are getting super baked ahead of February 2-4 weekend! With thick dope smoke in the air, they discuss the Earth’s crust, where eggs come from, and Russian pricks who are tattooing cats.   Plus: Would Bubbles bang Wayne Gretzky?    

I can't do this, boys. What do you mean you can't do it? Can't do it. Too fucked. There's no such thing. Ricky, fucking smokey in here. You said that was mild. Well, you would have been if you didn't take that much, I guess. Milder.

See, this is how I feel every fucking podcast. It's awesome. Go with it. It's not. It's great. Fucking drink. Just get the look out, man. Should we start this or what?

Fuck. Are you ready? I'm trying to fix Waddley for motel. It's fucked. He normally waddles. No, they fuck. The way of pen. Like a way of pen with waddles.

Walks. What's his name? Waddley. Oh, fuck, boys. We'll look at him later. Waddley Get it? He waddles

Yes I get it No do you get it though? No He waddles And what? Waddley You're fucked We are fucked up

On this podcast Alright let's get this going What's going on, fuckers? The official Trailer Park Boys podcast is coming at you right now, and we are very fucked up today. The number is a dummy, 82 fuckers. Okay, that was good. I thought you were going to fuck it up.

A lot of people talking about how you've been fucking them up. Get together, Bob. Let's get together. Get together, Bob. It is February 2-4 weekend. Oh! That means we're drinking a 2-4 probably today. Oh, boys.

I'm not drinking a 2-4. I got my fucking prom shoes on. Holy fuck, man. Ricky, where'd you get those fucking things? I found them in a box. They're fucking still in good shape. Those are Ray's shoes back when he could walk. Bad fucking eyes.

Before he got Ray-itis and his legs quit. Those shoes are horrible, man. They're awful. They're fucked. Better than what you have for shoes. They look like golf shoes, man. No fucking spikes at the bottom. Well, it's not what the ladies think, so I don't care. Alright.

Hey, guy. Hold one of those up here again, Ricky. I might be able to use those. For what? I might want to borrow those when I'm playing. Well, they're my lucky shoes. Pretty much every time I wore them, I got banged. Hey, Bubs, those shoes are twice the size of your feet, man.

Doesn't matter. I just packed Kleenex in the end. You look like a fucking clown, man. I won't look like a clown. You look like Waddley. If you could build some little stilts. Stilts? For what? Then he wouldn't look like a clown,

because he looks taller, balances out. That doesn't even make sense, man. Then what would I do, Rick? Get longer pants to hide my stilts and all of a sudden I'm two feet taller than I used to be? Yeah, man. You'd be pretty badass if you were taller with bigger feet. I could just get those drywall stilts, get some long pants, put those shoes on. I'd be the man about town. A man what? I'd be a man about town. A man what?

I'd be the man about town, they'd call me. Hey, Louis Bubbles, the man about town. I don't even know what that means. Look at him, he's fucking eight and a half feet. What the fuck does man about town mean? Would there be any way to expand this area? Because it's got to bounce out or else you're going to have these long, stupid legs and regular hair.

Well, Ricky, it's hard to elongate your torso. If you put a fake ass down on your thighs, so... And maybe a fake cock in front of... I don't know. You might be able to make it look longer with a longer jacket. Okay, so we're gonna get me all... I'm in a suit. Longer jacket, longer legs, fake ass, fake wiener. Man about town. Man about town. Strut through town. Longer jacket, longer legs, fake ass, fake wiener.

Man about town. Man about town. Struck through town. And a cowboy hat. Holy fuck. But an oversized cowboy hat. Worn about that wide. Like not a 10 gallon, but like a 40 gallon hat.

Why does he get jacked off so fast, man? Walking through town. Man about town. Hey ladies. Getting jacked off. How, man. Walking through town. Man about town. Hey, ladies. Get jacked off. How you doing, man about town? Well, actually, it'd be something different because you're so tall, then you wouldn't, you know,

you'd be like, your unit would be right there, right through faces. Yeah, absolutely. Right at, right at mouth height. It's a good idea. Let's, we should start these right now, boys. I don't want nothing to do with it, man. Drywall stilts will make me how much taller?

Oh, fuck. I think a couple feet. A foot and a half. Three and a half, four feet. They're not that tall, are they? Yeah, they're about three feet, man. No, I don't think they're that crazy. I think it's only like a foot and a half. If I was three feet fucking tall, you better believe I'm gonna get some heads turning.

You'd be top heavy though. No, I wouldn't. I'd put weights on them. I'd be all balanced out. This is a great idea. It's a fucking horrible idea, man. It's a great idea. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna have nice long pants, nice long jacket. Fucking water.

Sort of like a trench coat. A super long trench coat that I can open and close at will. Man about time. Soundtrack for tonight's drinking festivities. A lot of George Thorogood. Because today is his birthday. He drinks alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With nobody else. How old is that motherfucker? Well, let's just have a look-see. He was born in 1950, so he is... Fuck, he's an old cocksucker. No, 61. No. He's 67. 67. That's 40, no, 61. No.

He's 67. 67. That's what I said. George Dorogood. Remember when that song came out and you thought it was I, Jack, Alone? Well, it made a lot of sense. Because normally you do. True, but why would he put out a song called I, Jack, Alone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, with nobody else. I know, but my stereo, all the fucking speakers were blown. It was hard to really make up the words. You know when I jack alone, I prefer to jack on myself. That's what you sing. I don't remember that prayer. Holy fuck. What? Oh, it's...

Did you read about this thing? Sammy Kershaw's birthday, too, if you want to play any of his music. Sammy Kershaw? Yeah. Fucking Sammy Kershaw, boys. I bet you would. Can you not put your hand in my face? Why do your fingers smell like poop?

Like, don't. Jesus! Murphy, what were you digging at? I don't know. You're being a dick. You were digging at something. No, I wasn't. Okay, check this out.

Check this out, boys. There's this Cheeto Puff. You know little Cheetos? No, I wasn't. Okay, check this out. Check this out, boys. There's this Cheeto Puff. You know little Cheetos? These fucking things? Yeah. One sold on eBay for 100 fucking grand. What the fuck are you talking about? Somebody found one of these things that looked like that Harambe gorilla dude.

That gorilla they fucking shot that attacked the kids down in the zoo. What? They found a Cheeto man. Looks like him a hundred grand. So he was reborn as a Cheeto. Check that shit out. Hey hey hey hey hey hey these are my fucking chips. Just wait now let's just go through them. No I'm gonna go through them. What about chips?

Yes people are also fucking selling chips man. There could be one in here that looks like somebody. Holy fuck, boys. That one kind of looks like Matt Damon. Here, get them out, man. Don't fucking wreck them up. I thought there was something there, but... Holy fuck, Ricky, that one looks exactly like your wiener.

Same size and everything. This looks like... This looks like a vagina, so... A what? It was. All right, don't fucking ruin it. That might be worth something. The chip might be worth something. This looks like a vagina, so... A what? What? All right, don't fucking ruin it. That might be worth something. The chip might be worth something.

I know, look at that. It's like a rose petal. Oh, you son of a... That's 100 grand you owe me. I'll give you a deal. Delicious. 10 grand. That was a fucking big cruncher, too.

Just watch what you're fucking eating. Take a good look before you eat. Stingray. Replica of Ricky's wiener. Look at this stingray right here. How many, you know exactly what his wiener looks like? Stingray without a tail. Because you sketched it so many times.

Oh yeah, I sketched it. Bull fucking shit. How many sketches of Ricky's wiener do you have? None, zero. Look at this. What else you got, Ricky? Rolling Stone logo. Oh no, it doesn't have the folded tongue, does it? What kind of wiener do you have? None, zero. Look at this. What else you got, Ricky? Rolling Stone logo. Oh no, it doesn't have the folded tongue, does it?

It looks like a boomerang. Boy, these aren't gonna be worth shit. I don't believe. You're a wiener. Bubbles wiener. Oh, the one you're chewing on? The one you just popped in your mouth, eh? You fucking asshole.

Okay. I don't believe that story's true. Who would pay $100,000? It's fucking true, man. It's true. There's people with enough money who's fucking dumb enough. E-pay page, right there. 100 fucking grand.

Oh, yeah, it'd be real difficult to fake an eBay page. Holy fuck, that would take scientists. No, it says it turned out to be real. It did happen. That would take scientists all over the world to replicate an eBay page. It happened.

Holy fuck, boys, on this day in 1979, highest price ever paid for a pig. $42,500. For a pig? $42,500. But see, that doesn't make sense. A Cheeto's worth fucking double what the pig's worth. Something doesn't add up.

Well, it's 1979, so maybe now if you do escalation, it might be the same. What? Yeah, it probably is about the same. What the fuck's the deal with this pig? It's a fuck pig. Oh, it's a deal with this pig? It's a fuck pig. Oh, it's a swine breeder. It's a fuck pig. That's right.

Just like your mother. Ricky beat me to it. Ricky beat me to it. It's a fuck pig. But what makes it worth 42 grand? He must have had like the biggest cock a pig's ever had or something. No, it wouldn't be size. He just, his technique and what he...

He could bang more pigs per day? That could have been a factor. And he produces, you know, real fat meaty little piggy babies. Do pigs and cats get along with each other? Depends. So there was a chance that, you know, they do. They could live around each other. If they're raised as a piggy baby,

what are piggy babies called? Piglets. Piglets. If he was raised as a piglet and a kitten, they would be best friends. Do you like pigs? I enjoy a pig. If you're gonna fucking be a pig,

that's probably the gig you want. Let's get some fucking pigs then. I don't want pigs. You just said you'd like pigs. I like little baby pigs. But what makes it worth more money? I don't want to own a bunch of big dirty fucking stinky pigs shitting all over the earth. Is it his looks? Like is he a good looking pig?

That's why he's worth more? He could have been handsome, you don't know. He's big? Like Julian? No, he's a good banger, Ricky. He's a stud banger, Ricky. He's a stud pig. So what would you be worth in the open market? Who, me?

For your banging abilities. Oh, you better believe me. Three million. Three million. Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it. Wow, well that was a really exciting fact. What was his name? Oh, his name was Glassire.

Glacier. Glacier. Glacier the pig. What was his name? His name was Glassire. Glacier. Glacier. Glacier the pig. Oh, so he was probably white. There's probably not a lot of, maybe, you know, there's not a lot of white pigs. Yeah, maybe, Ricky. Maybe he was made of ice. Maybe he was an ice pig. Uh, no. Then he wouldn't be able to... You can't bang if you're ice. How do you know?

How do you know? Do you want to get to the bottom of it? Well, that depends. You banged a snowman. I do not care to comment on that right now. You did bang a snowman. I bet you don't care to comment on that. I remember when you wrote, though,

and froze your ears. Ah, 2011, final launch of Space Shuttle Discovery. 2000 what? 11. Yes, it was, too. It was 2011. Space Shuttle Discovery. Talking about getting that thing

back into service. 2014 something happened, but I don't understand what it was. What's it say, Ricky? Sound out the words. A 4.4 billion year old crystal is discovered to be oldest known fragment from the Earth's crust. What does that mean? What's Earth's crust? Hmm.

Well, the Earth. Like the Earth's shit? No, Ricky. The crust is like the outer layer of the Earth. Like the land. The land is the very top part of the crust, but the crust goes down. I forget how deep, but she's, you know, it's, she's thick.

We're talking hundreds of fucking miles, I believe. Yeah, I think it's a hundred, yeah. The earth's crust, I think, is a hundred miles thick. So they found a piece, dated it, probably through carbon dating. How would they know how thick it is? They got a hundred mile fucking drill bit? Hmm. No, Ricky.

It is a good question how they know that. I mean, they know the whole makeup of the earth. They know it goes from crust to fucking jelly, hot jelly, magma, whatever's in there, magma, and then the core down there, the big hot core, which heats her from the inside out. They know all that. I don't know exactly. What makes the core hot?

Is it like a nuclear? It's just constant? I don't know. That's a good question. These are good questions, Ricky. I'm impressed. I don't know a lot about the makeup of the Earth, but I believe there is some kind of nuclear fission happening in there. Maybe.

Maybe. The sun does for sure. Yeah. The sun is a big nuclear weapon. Not a weapon, but a nuclear thing. All right. Orb. Orb, nuclear orb. Well, I just got learned today.

I didn't know about the crust. Did you know the sun is eventually gonna explode and the Earth isn't gonna be here anymore? I hope not while I'm here. Well, unless you're gonna live fucking 10, 12 billion years, you'll... You're pretty safe. We're okay. We're okay. But they know the sun is eventually gonna burn out

and turn into a big supernova. And Oasis are gonna be up there playing it. 1965, Beatles began filming Help in Bahamas. Decent! Were they in trouble? In the movie, they were. They were trying to cut Ringo's finger off. 1998. You get a big ring on and they were trying to... bad people were trying to get...

Good old Elton John, knighted by Queen Elizabeth LL at Buckingham Palace in London. Queen Elizabeth II. Elizabeth II, that's I, I, I, number two. Queen Elizabeth II. Oh, fuck. That's cool he got knighted. What year? 98. Elton did. Yep, Sir Elton. 98, I wish I would get knighted.

Sir Bobbles. Who else is knighted? You got McCartney. Paul McCartney. Sir Paul, yeah. Sir Paul. Who else? Is Liam Neeson, is he knighted?

I don't believe so. Oh, fuck, Anthony Hopkins. Anthony Hopkins is. And I believe the other fella with the beard, Sean Connery. Sean Connery. Isn't he? Is that Sean Connery? Could be.

He might not be. How come there's no women? Well, they're not called sir, Ricky. But do they have a thing for women that's the same sort of a deal? I believe so. Lady, isn't it lady lady or was Duchess or lady or fuck I don't know Ricky's getting some really good questions I'm telling we should smoke some more of that let's smoke more put on the Googler and see what the equivalent of being knighted as a lady is sir Paul McCartney if it was a lady, she would be... Ma'am.

No, I don't think ma'am really captures it, Ricky. It could be dame. Dame. Dame. Dame Edna. Yeah. Lady... Lady Huxley.

That sounds like a good... It could be lady or dame. I think I remember hearing those those words. These are all good questions you're coming up with, Brecky. I'm impressed. Your brain seems to be fluctuating, pulsing in your... Merm. Merm? Disseck, no. Disseck can't be right. Because what if her last name was Allade? She'd be fucked that high, Marm. Alade. Marm is British.

Get it Ricky? Marmaduke. Marmaduke. Ma'am, no, it's, yeah, this could be it. It is a big stupid cocksucker, wasn't it? It is. Fucking Marmaduke. It's Dame, like I said.

I said Dame. I said, I said, you said Dane. It's Dame. I said Dame. I said, you said Dane. It's Dame. I didn't say Dame. You said Dane. Like a great Dane. I said Dane Edna, did I? I said Dane.

I thought you said Dane. Clean the shit out of your ears, Rocky. What the fuck? Go fuck yourself. Rocky. 1989, you're going to like this one, Bubblicious. Or no, sorry, 1982. Wayne Gretzky scores NHL record 78th goal of season on route to 92.

Decent. That's fucking the record that will never be broken. How many was total? 92. Well, remember, I scored 114. You scored 50 goals in 39 fucking games. That's nuts. Yeah.

I scored 112 one season, remember? We played 200 games, though. But still. It's not bad. 112 goals. Not too shabby. Young Wayne Gretzky, they call me. Wayne Gretzky?

Is Wayne Gretzky the only male on earth that you would consider banging, bubs? I wouldn't consider banging Wayne Gretzky. Bullshit. That is a, that is fallacial reasoning right there. It is a... Fallatio? Fallatio. It is a logical... So you suck him off.

Fallatio reasoning. I didn't say fallatio. I said fallatio. Logical fallacy reasoning. You led the question. Fallace? Fallick? Tom Fallick. Tom Fallick.

All right. Tom Fallick. All right. Anything you guys wanted to talk about? I don't remember what we've been talking about. Don't have a fucking clue. You could... We might talk about the same thing here.

Right, now, check this out. If you had a chance to live on a farm in North Carolina for free, would you do it? No. What kind of a farm? It's like a farm, like a firm where you grow shit. Pot? If you want, organic.

It's actually an organic firm. Ah. So it's a produce firm or it could be a fucking goat firm? Or an egg firm. No, they're fucking... No, she's... Egg firm. I think it's just growing things.

Yeah, man. Like flowers and stuff. I flowers and eggs in the grocery store All right, would you guys move down there just for like six months? No, they don't grow eggs on a farm right out of the ground. Are you kidding me? What do you mean? Where do eggs come from Ricky firms? Yeah, but we're on the farm. Do you get a home? They come in a fucking carton. I don't know where they Get them from Do they grow like on don't know where they get them from. Do they grow, like, on a vine?

Or do you pick them from a tree? Are they like potatoes? Like an orange? I know you can get egg chickens. Or eggs from chickens. But that doesn't make sense because, you know, the chickens go, you eat the chicken, right? Yeah. So they must have a way to make these eggs. Because they don't turn into chickens either.

So it's not a normal egg. Oh, fuck. Keep reasoning it out, Ricky. You're almost there. Keep going down that road. I like it. Well, I mean, how many eggs would a chicken lay? People have

one baby a year. So you need a fuck of a lot of chickens to make all those eggs. Holy fuck, man. Chickens, yeah. Every nine months, a chicken lays one egg. Hey, Ricky, why'd the chicken cross the road? Lays one egg. Um. Hey, Ricky.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? So he didn't get hit by a fucking car. Probably. No. He was going to the idiot's house. Idiot who? Knock, knock, Ricky. Chicken crossed.

Knock, knock. Uh, hello. Hi. Who's there? The chicken! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Get it? Oh, fuck.

Get it? I see how you kind of twisted it so it started with one joke and moved right into the end. That was good. Yep. All right. So you're talking about this organic egg farm? Yeah, so boys, this is going to be easy, bubs, and I want you to get started on this this afternoon, right after this.

I've got to build my pants and my jacket. No, no, no, this is more important. All you need is a 200-word essay on why you want to fucking own this farm. Perfect. And this lady will give it to you. That doesn't make any sense. You're just going to give away a farm?

She wants to move back to the city. She wants to give up this farm. That's fucking nice. It's an organic farm. We can come up with some good reasons why. You're just going to give away a firm? She wants to move back to the city. She wants to give up this firm. That's fucking nice for her. It's an organic firm. We can come up with some good reasons why. You could, man. Throw a bunch of herd in it, you know. Like a sappy kind of thing.

We could do it. We could grow everything organic. Let's do it. Just get off the grid. But if you do that, does that mean, like, we're organic? Well, I don't know, Ricky. Let's think about this. But then you advertise,

hey, he wants to suck on my organic... fingers. I'll leave it at fingers for now. But you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. You could just advertise that you're organic. And chicks might dig it. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. fingers for now, but you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. You could just advertise that you're organic. And chicks might dig it.

Mm-hmm. Everything that goes in this body is organic, baby. So chicks will want to bang it. So is everything that comes out. Holy. All right. Ricky. Okay, I cut off topic. Or this is what we do.

You fucking write this little essay up. Yeah. Flip it to this lady. We win. We move in for like two weeks, three weeks, a month. Then we flip it. 450 grand, man. In a week's work.

As much as I like the idea normally, in this case, it's kind of fucking mean. Why? Well, she's looking for a good owner to take over. Holy fuck! Jesus, boss. Jesus, talk to me again. I'm sorry. Are you having nervous twitches again?

No, I was trying to ring the buzzer and I didn't see the ball. I didn't notice it. Fuck. I'm sorry. Take Spirally, or whatever his name was. Spirally? Waggly. I wish he was a Spirally.

That'd be cool to just dance like a figure skater. Holy fuck! Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! What are you doing, man? Fuck, I thought that was conky. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that thing? Oh, that's...

Jesus Christ. What the fuck is that thing? Oh, that's... Don't be fucking around, Bob's. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Hello, Julian. How are you? Jesus Christ, Bob. Would you like to suck on me haggis?

Get that thing out of my face. Not on the fucking laptop. All right, put your fucking doll away. Don't get fucking crazy. Oh, I like this guy. Where did he come from? I wish he had... He came from hell and I'm gonna send him back there.

No, look, Ricky, he's old. He's made of... I think he's made of a paper blob. He's pretty fucking tough, whatever he's made of. Yeah, you beat him pretty good. Hey, look, Ricky. Woo! Hey, Julian! Woo!

What is wrong with you? Do you want to suck me haggis? No, I'm kidding. Ring the bell! Jesus Christ, Bubbs, you're fucked. Oh, he's my new favorite. Oh, fuck. He's my new favorite. I'm gonna keep him. Great.

What's your name? Julian. What? I'm gonna fucking lose it. Find something else to talk about so we can? I'm gonna fucking lose it. Find something else to talk about so we can get rid of this fucking puppet prick. Hello everybody. Buffs, would you ever tattoo a kitty?

No, I wouldn't tattoo a kitty. Are you fucking out of your mind? This guy in fucking Russia, they tattooed his fucking cat, man. One of the hairless ones. What a fucking dick. I think it looks alright. He needs a fucking beating. Yeah, but it'll probably hurt the fucking cat. Doesn't hurt that much, does it?

No. A fucking tattoo. It's a needle. Jabbing in the kitty. Maybe cats... That guy needs a fucking beating. I don't know whoever did that. It's not like the cat went up and said,

Hey, bud, fucking give me your tattoo. Maybe cats don't have nerves in their skin. Yes, they do, Ricky. I don't know. Well, I do. Well, think about it. When a mother cat picks up a fucking cat by the neck with its teeth, they don't seem to feel that.

It carries it around. It might not have nerves right there, Ricky, and it's used to that, and the mother doesn't actually bite through the skin. That is going right into the skin. It's a needle. So it's gum only with the mother cats? No, she doesn't gum them, I'm saying, but she doesn't, like, bite so the teeth go right through and touch. She doesn't make a hole in the kitten. Okay.

She just sort of, you know, gently... Oh, okay. See, as a kid, I was always upset by that. Because I thought the mother cat was hurting the little baby cat. No, Ricky, little cats love that. Getting dangled around. I dangle my kitties sometimes. They love it. You don't, you know, you don't fucking squeeze them to the point of pain, but that's ridiculous. I, I'm going to report that guy. Well, he's in Russia, man.

Good luck. Fucking Russians. Yeah, they do say that these kind of cats have really sensitive skin as well. Yeah, no shit, because they got no hair. It's a sphinx cat. You ever heard of one of those? Yes, they're a beautiful cat. And they should not be being tattooed.

I'd like to fucking hold that guy down and tattoo a big fucking wiener on his face. See how he likes it. We'll help you, man. We should hunt this guy down. Great big cock right across his face. And then say, oh, sorry. I thought you wanted that.

Dick weed. Hopefully you at least let the cat pick the fucking tattoo. You think the cat picked the tattoo, Ricky? How would he do that? He could open a book and show pictures, and the prize goes... and starts pawing at one. You know what? I don't know for sure, but I'd bet $1,000 that's not the way it went down.

All right. Jack can't have no decision. No process in the decision. All right, I think I'm done, boys. Who's getting drunk and who's not? Give me the chips. You're not having those chips. I'm done, boys. Who's getting drunk and who's not? Give me the chips. You're not having those chips. I'm taking the chips.

I bought those chips. Well, I'm going to just look through them. You're not pawing through my chips. I'll wear a glove. Who's getting fucking drunk tonight? It's February 2-4 weekend. I'll get drunk with you, but I'm on drinking beer. Your hair.

It was my idea. Yeah, but... Today's podcast was brought to you by Waddley, my grandson's penguin, uh, wood, and, uh, anything else, guys? Go to thetrailerpertboys.com, go to the merch site, fucking pull all kinds of shit into a cart, buy it. Thank you.

I do have to say, these fucking rolling papers. And Keegan McConnell. Keegan McConnell. I thought these rolling papers would be bullshit. They're fucking awesome. Look at me fucking skirt, Julian. Look at me skirt. Bob, would you get the fucking puppet away?

Would you get the fucking puppet away from me? All right. Let's do this. Let's go. Let's go get drunk, boys. I'm in. Two for each. Let's go. I'm gonna have some more of this. You should. You'll have more fun when you're high.

See you next time.