Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 9 - Bum Bum

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

Guess who p*ssed in Gorilla Fingers' boots and is spending time in solitary? Good job Randy's checked into con college - and just in time for International Massage Week! Also: Sh*tty parenting, Three's Company, and a luxury cruise for one!

To see the video version of Park After Dark, go to SwearNet.com or download the Trailer Park Boys SwearNet app. So when did they say he's getting out though? They don't know. It depends on if he acts like an asshole or if he acts like... But he's not getting out right now. No, he's not getting out for this. So what? So we're just doing it without him? Well, we gotta do it without him. Ricky's in solitary for being a

fucking dick. He can't calm that motherfucker down. Once he gets things in his head, man, he just goes off. And I guarantee he's still up there fucking yelling at them. But he pissed in his boots? He pissed in his boots. Gorilla fingers work boots fucking yelling at them. But he pissed in his boots? He pissed in his boots. Gorilla Fingers work boots? Both of them.

See, why would he do that? There was a puddle of piss in his boots. But when he's doing it, he's got to know they're going to put him in solitary. And then he acts all shocked like he can't believe. Well, that's the thing. He pissed. Everybody saw him do it. You know someone's going to rat about.

He's probably on camera, wouldn't he be? He's definitely on camera. But I think there's a place right over there by the showers. I'm here, guys. How's it going? You didn't start without me, did you? What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing here?

Well, Ricky's in solitary, so I'm not telling you what I did to get in here. But I'm taking over for Ricky. I got birthdays. Oh, birthdays. I fucking hate birthdays. Well, but I'm taking over for Ricky. I got birthdays. Oh, birthdays. I fucking hate birthdays. Well, it's good to know. And I hate you, Randy. Which is even worse.

That's an awful strong thing to say, Julian. Hate. I fucking hate you, Randy. You know something, Julian? What? When did you get put in jail? I didn't even know you were in here. I've been here for a couple days, bubs.

I haven't seen you. I've been busy for a couple days, bubs. I haven't seen you. I've been busy. It's busy. Jail's busy. It is very busy. It's not busy. Well, it's International Massage Week. It's, you know, people need massages.

Is that what's been going on over there? Jail is stressful. There's been a lineup. How much are you giving massages for? That's none of your business, Julian. How much? Five bucks? You hate me?

Well, I just want to say I don't hate you. I love both of you. You don't. I do? Were you given mouth massages? Bubbles? Use your fingers. Cheek massages, if you know what I mean.

Well, people like... Just so you know, you making money has to come through me because I'm the person that's in charge of businesses in here right now. Is that why they ran out of canola oil in the kitchen? No, no.

Because... Were you using it for your mouth hug massage day? Are you keeping a record? Are you keeping track of how much you're making and how many customers? There's no record, Julian.

Well, I'm going to find out who's been fucking serviced by you. And you owe me some money. Well, you know what I mean. Getting their oils checked and their fucking... I don't like that word, serviced. What crawled up your bum to make you so cranky? I'm in jail with you now.

That's, that's... Do I need to say anything else, Brandy? I see it looks like you have a liquor drink there, so it doesn't seem like it's too bad. Well, yeah, because I can drink liquor in here. Bob's, you got to cheer him up. There's lots of things to celebrate today. So it's National Massage Day?

Yeah, week. National Massage, why don't you get one from him? I'll give you a massage, Julian. No, I'm not healing you right up. There's no way you're touching me. I'm good at front massage. Front, okay, what does it... Why don't you just do the one where he gets oiled up and he slides on you?

You know, you both oil up. The slip and slide. Feel my skin, Julian. It's really soft. No, I'm not touching you. You're fucking disgusting. See? You feel like a fucking alligator, Randy. I do not. I applied many oils, many different types.

Including sun protection. I bet you did. I bet you several people applied oils. Maybe we should have a jail cheers. Not a fucking chance. Here, bubs, cheers, buddy. You're a good lad. Fuck off, Randy.

Fucking jams. All right, speaking of fucking drinks and things like this, this is like a Coke mixture with some whiskey. There's a woman who had a chicken bone stuck in her fucking throat, right? She's here, fuck, I can't hardly breathe. You know what the fucking doctors did? They gave her Coca-Cola. They said, drink this and you'll dissolve the chicken bone.

And it worked. What? Yeah. That's not true. It's true, man. It wouldn't dissolve it instantly. She'd have to gargle the coke. She was drinking it, like, a lot of it. It eventually dissolved it, man. I'm not sure if she sat there and fucking let it sit in her throat or what, man. Maybe she was gargling it. How much did she have to drink? Coca-Cola? I mean, I know it will eventually dissolve things like nails even.

It'll dissolve a nail. It's true. I remember back in elementary school, the teacher had a tooth, a human tooth, and put it in a little bit of Coca-Cola and it dissolved. In a month it was gone. So there it just shows you what you buy. So it says it breaks down enamel so it'll break down the fucking bone. Okay, all right. And that's why it would melt the tooth, too, because that's got enamel on it.

Okay, you can do an experiment by leaving chicken bones in a fucking glass of Coke for a few days and watch it break down yourself, man. Maybe we should try that. Maybe not, dude. Cut his finger off, throw it in my drink, and see what happens to it over three days. Think what your fucking guts are. How eroded they are from the several million gallons

of... It's not millions gallons, man. You've been drinking it non-stop, 24 hours a day, since you were a child. Yeah, but there's also, like, you gotta think about the water from the ice cubes, so I'm getting hydrated, but there's also, like, you got to think about the water from the ice cubes, so I'm getting hydrated. And that's usually a diet,

so I'm not drinking a lot of sugar, just that chemical shit, but fuck it. And how much coke is actually in there? Is it mostly booze? Just that much, man. It's only, like, a fucking splash. Okay, so this much times 50 a day.

You probably top it up 50 times. Yeah, don't drink 50 fucking drinks a day, man. What do you think, I'm an alcoholic? Yes! Jesus Christ, man. No, man, not even close to 50. You are an alcoholic, Julian Goodman. No, I'm not.

It's every day. I don't even want to get into this. Julian. When's the last time you took a break, Julian? When was the last time you fucking minded your own business and shut the fuck up, Randy? Well, we care about you just because you hate me. You don't about me man we care about you man you don't yes you guys no he doesn't i mean i don't want him to i'm addicted to cheeseburgers and onion rings you can't become addicted to cheeseburgers and onion rings yes you can i'm addicted i have them every day so if you

put you could be addicted to cheeseburgers and onion rings. Take a fucking look right here. But I have my blood work done and apparently everything's working good. It's mental addiction. It might not be physical addiction

but he's mentally addicted. Habitually. You should get your prostate checked, Julian. I agree. Why don't you test it? It's just a little finger in your bum bum in the little wiggle. Don't say bum bum to me. You don't point your finger at It's just a little finger in your bum bum and a little wiggle.

Don't say bum bum to me. You don't want your finger on me as if it's going into my bum bum. You don't want to get cancer. It's true. Why don't you check it for him? Randy's checked mine. I'll check it for you. You've got to get in the fetal position. There's no fucking way. He's checked mine.

He's checked yours. No, he hasn't. Bullshit. No, I was just going gonna trick you into getting yours you gotta ask for easy if it feels soft it's good but if it's hard you should get things checked out further the the finger or thumb test is one okay did you do i don't even want to talk about this all right so you're massaging the prostate right massaging you just give it a gentle rub does not make you hurt or something? Is that what happens?

Julian, that's a whole other discussion. Well, it's not going to be a discussion with me. I can tell you that right now. He does seem interested, Andy. Keep Adam on it. Keep Adam. Anyway, Julian, I'm just saying, I know you can work your way up to it. I'm not work my way up to what? To getting yourself checked out down there.

I'll go to the fucking doctor. I'm not going to get you with burger grease all over your fingers. Ram your fingers up my hole. It's probably jacking off as you're doing it. Because you're sexually becoming, like, aroused. Because you're. He's cranky today. Did you shift yourself, Frank?

Yeah, no kidding, man. What the fuck? I think I might. What the fuck? I think I might have. Is that gas or is that just like, crusted on? Is there a propane leak in here? It's gotta be, man. Whew.

Sloppy Joe's, I think. Smells like Kentucky Fried Chicken. So speaking of which, and I just want to know, drinking all those rum or whiskey and cokes that you're drinking. What? What? Does it make your poos gooey or do you have solid snake poos? We're not talking about fucking

poos right now, Randy. What's it like? Don't use the word poo. Don't use bum bum or poo or like, just shut the fuck up. Here's a good idea. You just shut up. Anyway. And you can talk about fucking fork days. Okay. Julian, I think you need to get

your whole thing in order. Stop thinking about my fucking whole thing. All right. No, he said your whole thing in order. He didn't say your whole. Julian. W-H-O-L-E. Okay, check this out.

This is hardcore. I mean, I don't know what to think about this story. I think it's, I don't know. You guys tell me. A police officer has a three-year-old son that shit his pants. Yeah. So he throws his son in jail

just to scare the fuck out of him. Terrible parenting. He scared the, put the cuffs on him, the poor little shitty pant kid, threw him in fucking jail. That's child abuse. No kidding.

But guess what? The kid vowed to never again shit his pants. So... Doesn't matter. Kid's gonna have fucking mental problems later in life because his dad did that. Who's the psychologist who had the shit fetish?

What? They all do. Yeah, some... Sigmund Freud? Yeah, the Freudian do. Yeah, some, some, or was it... Sigmund Freud? Yeah, the Freudian theories. Yeah. If you have, if you could, that kid might not be able to poop ever again. Possible.

The fuck you talking about? Because he got scared, put in jail. That was a terrible idea by that cop. You don't mess with people's poo. See, I don't know. Well, yeah... That kid might never be able to have a relaxing shit as long as he lives now. That's exactly it. Every time he takes a shit in his 20s and 30s, he's going to think about his dad putting cops on him.

That's not what you want to be thinking about. PTSD for the shitter. Okay. That's right. Not a good idea. Terrible fucking idea. But hey, you know what? We don't know.

It might have saved this fucking pants shit and fucking kid's life. He's three. He's gonna shit himself. Not anymore. Not anymore. He's gonna be too busy going to the psychiatrist. Figure out why he's fucked. The world's most expensive-

He'll probably start- he'll be on one of those TLC shows. Oh, I collect all my shits in a bag now. I don't know why. I just do. I collect shit and I do shit paintings. And they'll bring it back to that. Bob's, this kid is never going to go to fucking jail. He might have a shitter problem,

but he's not going to break the law. Guarantee you. Well, he could have done that without doing it when he shit himself. You gotta let people shit themselves. It's part of life, really, I think.

Holy fuck. You'd be fucked over. What is wrong with people, man? Okay, company fires employees who can't finish a three-mile race. I don't think they're allowed to do that, are they? They are over in this fucking country. Yeah. Jansgusu province or whatever, China.

If they can't run three miles... They can't run 30 minutes. It takes like 30 minutes to run three miles. If you can't fucking do it, you're out the door, motherfucker, because you are lazy. What if somebody's got a heart condition? They don't give a fuck. Then you know what? They're not an efficient worker because they're about to croak,

so get the fuck out of the company, motherfucker. You should work for a Chinese conglomerate. I failed grade two because I failed gym. You failed grade two because you're dumb. I didn't think you could fail because of gym, but they wouldn't let me go up. I think they just thought you were mentally challenged at that point, Randy. No. Well, that's a pretty smart little kid.

You're... You don't ever say you were pretty smart as a kid. I was. You were never ever pretty smart. No, I don't think you were, Randy. You were never a smart friend. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't recall you ever being that smart. No.

Not at all. Well, I got it the second time around. What a time this guy's having. 80-year-old man claims he hasn't slept in fucking 60 years. He's lying. He's lying. No, he did, man. He had a fever as a young man. Somehow it turned into

severe insomnia, and it hasn't affected his life at all. This guy's living a full fucking life, man. You can't. I don't think that's possible. He's a robot. It is, man. I'm telling you.

This guy's just... No, but when you sleep, your brain flushes out toxins. It does, but guess what? This guy's doing it on his own as he's awake. His brain's doing what it should be when he's sleeping everything it has to do so does he get like zoned out no he's he's a happy who's doing probably twice the banging of that of uh well he's awake twice as much as me he doesn't need a bedroom because he doesn't need a bed because he doesn't sleep

he's gonna do his banging though he's gonna bang he probably should have a bed. Because he doesn't sleep. He's got to do his banging, though. He's got to bang. He probably should have a bed. Well, it's a bang room, then. Change it. You don't need the bed in there. I find that quite interesting. A couple of sawhorses. You know what?

I wish I didn't have to fucking sleep. You like getting banged on a sawhorse, don't you? I did. Back, well, anyway, we don't want to talk about that. You don't want to talk about that. Actually, Julian, I was very impressed. You know, one good thing about you is that you're a man of your word and you know how to keep a secret

because there's certain things that you never, ever did speak about, so that's respectable. What are these secrets you two have? This goes back 20 years. You guys both have secrets. 20 years. I don't have any fucking secrets with anyone. Julian found out some stuff about me and Mr. Lay 20 years

ago, but he never ever told you. Yes, he did. No, he didn't. When? It was on the TV, Randy. I saw it. But he didn't tell us. We didn't need to. I saw it. I just watched it, you dumb fuck. So we kept a secret for at least a year

anyway. Maybe. Holy fuck. This guy, this dude, he's drinking, he's smoking, he's not sleeping, he's up partying. Oh, that same guy? And he's doing it all, man, and he's like living twice the life of everybody else. Think about it. Does he eat twice as much food if you don't sleep? Do you eat during your sleep time?

It's like a super, it's a unique superpower. Do you have two breakfasts? I don't fucking know, Randy. How many snacks do you eat? Oh, is he right here in front of me telling me what the fuck he does every day? He probably eats like a few bags of chips. Randy, you're... Get on the wrong pipe.

You alright, Buzz? This poor, well, he's not a poor cocksucker. He doesn't even take a nap. He doesn't do anything. He's awake. He's partying and he's living his best life. Yeah, but everyone else is sleeping. So you know what they need to do? They need to tap into this fever and keep everybody the fuck up.

He should be... He should be day trading in the Chinese markets because he's up all night. So when China's online over there, he should be buying and selling, you know, whatever they do. He could probably take up a second language. He should be trading in the Chinese markets. Trading in the Chinese markets.

Capitalize on his awakeness. Ernest Hemingway was born in 1899. Didn't he write Moby Dick? Ernest Hemingway? I think. Or the cat in the hat. Who was that guy? That was Dr. Seuss. Dr. Seuss, you dumb cunt.

Listen. Oh, Ernest. He wrote Ernest Goes to Camp. You don't know too many Ernests, right? Who do you know named Ernest? What the fuck is he talking about? Ernest Hemingway. The way he wrote Ernest Goes to Camp?

Who's Ernest? The guy with the fucking nose? That's the only Ernest I've ever heard. That? Ernest Hemingway. The way he wrote Ernest Goes to Camp. Who's Ernest? The guy with the fucking nose. That's the only Ernest I've ever heard. That was not a Hemingway. You fucking very stupid human. Don Knotts. Oh, Mr. Hurley. He's good.

That was Mr. Hurley. Three's company. I like Jack. Yeah, he wasn't Mr. Hurley. Ralph Hurley. He was, that wasn't Ralph, man. Huh? Ralph was fucking married to that crazy bird that was always horny.

Always wanted to get laid with the red hair. No, he wasn't. Yes, he was. That was Mr. Hurley. Hurley? No. Furley. Furley.

No, Don Knotts was Ralph Furley. Not forever, man. Really? There's that other guy, Mr. Roper, man. Yeah. Oh, there's Roper in... Fuck me. There's two of them? There's that other guy, Mr. Roper, man. Yeah. Oh, there's Roper in... Fuck me. There's two of them.

There's two of them. Mr. Roper was married to Helen Roper. The crazy bird. Who was always trying to fuck him and he wasn't into her. Yes, the horny lady. Who's Jack's handsome friend? Ralph Burley was Don Knotts. Yeah, he was good, man.

What? His best friend on the show. Who? John Ritter's best buddy. Larry Dallas. Larry. Larry Dallas his name was. He had good hair.

If you remember, and he had lots of roommates. Good hair. Originally he had Chrissy and Janet. But then Chrissy's cousin moved in. Remember when Chrissy left? God, how many times? You know what? Suzanne Summers, right? That was Chrissy's cousin moved in. Remember when Chrissy left? God, how many times? You know what? Suzanne Summers, right?

That was Chrissy Snow. And she did the Thighmaster. That's a herb. And Janet Wood was the original roommate. But then Cindy moved in. Remember Cindy? Oh, yeah, Cindy. Jack was always in a conundrum.

Always in a conundrum. Yeah. What was the bird that he always drank at call? Fuck, man. You guys don't know your three's company. Yeah, I do, man. I don't remember the bird. No, I know it.

I'll come up with it. It is the... Oh, come on. I can't remember, man. It's going to fucking drive me nuts, bubs. You don't remember what Jack Tripper used to drink? The White Swan? No.

No? That's in England, you stupid fuck. It is an animal, though. Nobody? Percy's panda. Tell me. It was a dog. Think dog.

Wiener dog. Think a very sophisticated dog. Think dog. Wiener dog. Think a very sophisticated dog. Oh. English butler. I don't fucking know. The Regal Beagle! Oh, the Regal Beagle. Holy fuck, boy. Snoopy. You should have said

Snoopy. How many fucking times? Snoopy would have been a better fucking clue. How many times did Jack get into a conundrum at the Regal Beagle? Him and Larry. Him and Larry. They shut down

that fucking place. And a lot of times on Three's Company it was just somebody misspoke or they overheard a conversation that they misunderstood and that became

the whole thing. Yeah. Do you remember the time Jack was gonna he was buying pots for his new restaurant but then they thought he was buying pots for his new restaurant, but then they thought he was buying pot and importing pot,

and there was a big FBI sting down on him? Yeah, I remember that, man. That was a classic. I liked the Hardy Boys, too. They were... The Hardy Boys? I liked the Hardy fucking Boys. That wasn't even a TV show. It was a cartoon, I think.

It was a show. Was it? And Nancy Drew caught as fuck. They always figured out the mystery. Oh, the same with Snoopy. What was the best TV show in the 70s? Sitcom. Three's Company.

Happy Days. Oh, that was a good one, too. The Love Boat. Blah, blah, Black Sheep. Blah, blah, Black Sheep. Yeah. That wasn't at the same level as Three, too. The Love Boat. Baba Blacksheep. Baba Blacksheep? Yeah. That wasn't at the same level as Breeze Company. Fucking right it was.

The Corsairs? Are you kidding me? I know. I love the show, but it wasn't as popular as... I'm talking about the mainstream. Hogan's Heroes. Throw that the fuck up your ass. That was a good one.

I like the Flintstones. I like the Flintstones, too. You remind me of Fred. You're very Fred-ish. They used to have a good one. I like the Flintstones. I like the Flintstones too. You remind me of Fred. You're very Fred-ish. They used to have a good time. You're kind of an exact replica of Fred and Bernie. Modern day, modern day Fred and Bernie. He looks more like Bernie, but he's got Freds.

I think he looks more like Fred, man. I'd do a brontosaurus burger. They're big. You'd do a brontosaurus burger. They're big. You'd do a brontosaurus. Sagging. What was this? Pump the shit out of one of those if they're around. The old Spider-Mans would go too.

Oh, musicians, look. Are we still on fucking birthdays? Yeah, 1948, Cat Stevens. British singer-songwriter. Yeah. Cat Stevens. I'm declaring this the worst perk after dark in fucking years.

Robin Williams was born in 1951. He was awesome. In 51? Yeah. Mork and Mindy. Remember?

Nanu Nanu. So if he was alive he'd be what? 71 now? 72? More than alive, he'd be what? 71 now? 72? More than that, man. 73. 72.

74? Maybe. Robin Williams. Yeah. Poor bastard. Born in Chicago. Yeah. All right.

Man books one night at Five Star Hotel. Lives there for 600 nights for free of charge. See, that's something we can't even do. Yeah, but he had the hotel employees were in on him. Oh, were they? There's a couple of them that were fudging the, you know, computer. That'd be easy to do, though, wouldn't you think? Yeah, I mean, there's another guy I saw on the TikTok machine, I think.

Maybe it wasn't true, but he somehow, something got fucked up at the ticketing thing, and he was the only person on a cruise ship. And it went out to sea. There's video of him. He's on the pool deck, and it's fucking empty. Just him. But because he was on the ship, they still had to put the movies on and have the bars ready in case he wanted a drink.

He was on there by himself. Alone. They had to put out the full buffet so that he could, you know, still have his choice of food. Okay, you know what? I'd say probably after, by day two or three, they'd probably say, hey, Hank, what the fuck do you want to eat, dude? You would think so.

We can't keep throwing out all this food. We can't put out, you know, 75 pounds of shrimp. That would be too much. Just for you, Hank. Now that we know you don't like shrimp. What if Hank got banged? Didn't he like shrimp? I bet you Hank did get banged.

He probably did get banged. You'd think one of the crew would be like, give me some shrimp, right? Side plate. Give me some shrimp. What the fuck is he going on about? We're talking about getting banged. He had to eat shrimp.

School professor who missed work for 20 years out of 20 year career finally fired. Good for you guys. You what? You stupid motherfuckers at the school board. What happened to him? He basically called in sick for 20 years. 20 years he was a fucking professor and got away with it. He's 51, got fired.

See, I like that. I like these are good. Jesus, not even George Cassandra could pull that one off. That's like a heartfelt, nice story, man. It is? Yeah, he fucking fucked the system for 20 years. Yeah, I guess. Motivation.

Why do you just say random words, Randy? Why? Well, he must have been motivated to do something else. Nothing? When you don't do anything, that's not called motivation, Randy. He was doing something else. He called in sick to do something else. He didn't call in sick.

No, he didn't. He called in sick to get paid and sit home and fucking watch TV. So he was motivated to watch the soaps. Oh, my God. Get caught up in things. Motivated to be lazy. Is that what you're saying? Well, how do you know?

Maybe he wrote a screenplay or something. Did he? Maybe he wrote a screenplay or something. Did he? Is he famous? He's famous for making a fucking story in this stupid fucking computer. That's about it, man. Online, it's fucked. If you're sick, you're sick. Normally, you only get a week or something in sick days.

It's got to be almost time to fucking stop this, isn't it? Please? Wait, I don't know. This is now becoming torturous sitting next to you. We can stop it whenever we want. We're not required by law to do anything. I gotta get more orange soda. Other than be in jail.

And we're in jail. Well, I still have fun with you guys. Nice to see ya. I have fun with you too sometimes, Randy. Just remember to get yourself checked out, Julian. They do it here for free. Yeah I know I know they do it here for free. Why don't you just give him a you know like a little bit of a test. Gorilla fingers would probably do it for you. He what he's looking no. He's skilled at this. He's putting his fingers up you he's thinking of

something else not making sure you. Why don't you just give him a little test with your baby finger? Just the baby finger. No, no, you got to get inside deeper. All right, you know what? You guys can test each other. How about that? No. I'm the fuck out of here.

No, mine's perfect. All right, all right. See you, bubs. Okay. Julian, I'll... Bye, Julian. What do you think's for supper tonight? I don't know, Randy. What's on the fucking menu that came out on the thing?

I hope it's not sloppy joes again. Why don't you just say goodbye? See you later, everybody. See you next week. Hopefully we're not in here. To see the video version of Park After Dark, go to swearnet.com or download the trailer for the movie. See you later, everybody. See you next week. Hopefully we're not in here. To see the video version of Park After Dark, go to swearnet.com or download the Trailer Park Boys Swearnet app.