Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - TPB in Quarantine - Episode 1

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Find out how Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are doing during the coronavirus lockdown! Get tips on how to avoid frisky wildlife in mating season, what to do if you run out of toilet paper, and the dangers of a naked snow bath. Also: Sonny Ding's brother banged WHAT?!?

Hey everybody, I know the audio on these is a little bit fucky, but that's just cause the world's gone to shit and I'm at the thing here trying to work all the equipment by myself and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So I apologize. For fuck's sakes. How do you work this goddamn fucking thing? Hang on. Ricky.

Hey man. Hey, hang on. Ricky! Hey man! Hey, just wait, Julian's... trying to call Julian. He's there, I just... There he is! What? What do you want, bubs?

What do you mean, what do I want? I wanted to fucking talk to you guys, is that alright? Yeah man, I miss you guys. You call me a fucking thousand times a day, bubs. I know, but... I'm a busy man. I know, but I like fucking with the staff. Here, just wait. Watch this. There we go.

How you doing? What's going on, Rick? You know what? I miss you guys. I mean, it's nice talking on the phone, but it's kind of cool to see you guys, too. Good. Yeah, FaceTime makes a big difference, huh? Or Skype, whatever the fuck you're doing. Yeah, this one's called Skype.

Skype TX to be exact. I've been going through the manuals. I understand the whole fucking thing now. What's the difference between Skype and Skype T-Rex? Skype TX has a TX after it. It's got a TX channel, which is all technical TX talk and it's runs down the TX line and it's all the TX's All right, I don't understand that shit, but sounds good Yeah, that's what that does. Hey Julian give us a give us a flax Fuck off bubs. Come on. Why do i want to give you a fucking flex because i got your ball screen and

the people at home are very excited no they people aren't excited man i don't want to see a grown man sitting around flexing i was reading some comments and they were hoping that you know julie might take a shirt off for this where where are you reading these comments at, man? I don't see any comments. I saw the same ones. Hey, watch this, boys. I think if I push this button, you ready to have your mind blown, Ricky? Huh, I guess. Watch this.

No. Whoa. No, just wait. It's this button. Ready? Yeah. No. Fuck.

No, my mind is still yeah I don't see I see a logo on the fucking screen but all right for fuck's sakes just stop showing off and talk to us I'm trying to lie to you say my mind's blown but it's not really well you know what have you guys been doing? Julian, what are you doing? How's the fucking liquor supply at the house you're running? Liquor supply is great, man. Just got a lot of the booze. I found a bit more of the desk way. But the best thing that I found was the title to this car.

So right now, I'm trying to put the stereo back in the fucking car. You can see. Bit of a fucking nightmare. I've been trying to find fucking tools yeah I got some some of this fucking welding glue shit that's gonna help me out about a fucking bracket a bra good I'll have a pair for the summer hopefully let's sell it show me that bracket again what type? Oh, it's just, uh... It's just one of those kind of brackets, man. I need one of those brackets.

Too fucking bad, I need it. Come on, Julian, drop it off at my shed. Yeah, why don't you come down to the woods here at Sunnyvale and share some of your goddamn booze and bring me some dope, but I'm dying here. I'm in detox and I don't even want to be. That's another bracket I found. Well, you know what? I told you, you can fucking hitchhike or do whatever

you want. Get here, man. I'm not leaving my fucking quarantine. Alright? I'm staying right the fuck here. And you know what, Ricky? I'm proud of you, man, because of all people. You know, you're not that smart most of the time. You're under full quarantine. A lot of

people aren't, and it's fucking things up people are dumb well i'm afraid to go near anybody because you know i've been smoking dope my whole life if i catch this thing it might it might kill me my lungs are full of dope smoking stuff that's right you definitely won't be fucking smoking dope man for a while if you get the zinc because i heard it turns your fucking your lungs it feels like it turns into glass or something so no it's like saturated with water and it can't your lungs can't go in and out they harden up so tell me something what what the fuck is wrong with people you still see them out fucking hanging out and shit if people like us can do this like

what the fuck is wrong with the rest of society, man? Well, they're generally dumb. That's what it is. They are. Way dumber than Ricky. Way dumber. It's mostly suit dummies, I think. Suit dummies are dumb.

Kids are really dumb. Yeah, I agree. Kids are dumb. A lot of dumb kids around. This is the worst time. A lot of dumb kids around. This is the worst time I could ever pick to be stuck in the goddamn woods. I had to hide in the shed because it's mating season. I went and took a piss the other day and this moose tried to attack me and bang.

Did he get banged by a moose, Ricky? He tried. He just ran me down. I had to climb up a tree to get away from him. Then he started using his horny things to fucking hit the tree and try to knock me out of the tree. Jesus Christ, everywhere I looked, his ant was banging. Ricky, did a moose cock enter your body? No, I saw the cock, but it did not come near me.

What about the tip? Did it even, like, raise your taint or anything? I didn't see his tits. What about the tip? Did it even like raise your taint or anything? I didn't see his tits. No, his taint. Did his cock cut or rub against your taint? No, it rubbed against the tree I was climbed up. Okay, good. Alright. Cause you don't want to get fucking some kind of other disease. Moose are fucking dirty creatures. Did you ever get- you sound like you may have been banged by a moose before Julian? You do seem to know a lot about this joy

I just hey I know about the wilderness and fucking all the animals shit Nerdy fucking moose will try to come aboard you and God knows what the fuck they bang Cuz they they could basically bang anything they want big Apparently moose must be attracted to piss because when I pissed that's when I started hearing these little grunting sounds and all of a sudden You hear this beast charge and that being Are they attracted to piss? I don't know This makes animals horny they're very attracted to piss That's weird

What was the guy's name in grade? It was a guy in grade eight. That was attracted to piss. I forget his name Sonny Ding. Sonny Ding? Sonny Ding wasn't attracted to piss. Yes, and his brother fucking banged a pig. What was their name? I'm actually talking about a pig. They had, like, firm animals.

Sonny Ding's brother banged a pig. Sonny Ding walked out to the fucking barn and here his little brother was fucking doing the doingsed a pig. Sonny Digg walked out to the fucking barn and here his little brother was fucking doing the doings with a pig and he fucking knocked him out. Told him don't fucking bang the cattle or the pigs or whatever. Sounds like a really weird nursery rhyme.

Sonny Digg banged a pig. Yeah, that's it. There was a lot of fucking, he was called a lot of names after that one. Oh, funny dig, well he banged a pig. Oh, funny dig. His sister, his oldest sister,

she had to go to the hospital because she put a frozen jumbo wiener up with, and it broke. They had to go get it out. That family's pretty fucked up. That's a fucking urban myth. Urban myth? Every town in Canada

had somebody who got a frozen wiener broken off in their vagina. There was no way that happened. There was no way that happened in every town in Canada and the US. You don't need a doctor, you just need a pair of tongs. Well, that's what they ended up doing, but who's gonna, like,

who's gonna do it? Who's gonna take it out? Come over here, Dad, and get this wiener out of me. Well, doesn't she have a boyfriend or something? I mean, you wouldn't want to ask her dad or her brother, I guess. Her boyfriend or maybe a friend or sister. Ricky, if she had a boyfriend,

she wouldn't have been fucking ramming frozen jumbo hot dogs up her... Woohoo. Well, maybe he had a small car. Well, maybe he did. I don't fucking... I don't know all the details of the wiener lady's fucking relationship, okay? Well, you seem to know

an awful lot. Because I was fucking... I know fucking Sonny Ding's brother. You ever see Sonny Ding? What was his name? Mooney? No, his name was Bobby Ding. Bobby Ding.

I'm starting to go crazy, boys. I can't take this much longer. Julian, here's some basic animal trivia for you, alright? Bring it on. You've seen a black rooster before, right? Like, you know, a rooster.

Yes, I've seen a rooster before. How many wings does a black rooster have? Oh, what the fuck? How many wings does a black rooster have? Of course I'm going to say fucking two. Okay. How many feet does a black rooster have?

Got two fucking two feet, Matt. Correct. How many eyes does a black rooster have? Well, most of them have two. Correct. Correct again.

Yeah, you're good at this, Dewey. Let's change it up. How many whiskers does a white kitty have? I don't fucking know. Four on each side? You don't know? Seems like you know an awful lot about black cock, but you don't know anything about white pussy.

Ha ha ha ha! That was good. Fucking nailed you, Julian. Nailed you. That made my day. Tell Ricky those jokes next time Okay Julian knows an awful lot about black cock

He got every question I ask Real funny Ricky Tell me something Did you pass out in the fucking like face first In the snow last night No man I had to go in the shed It's been cold as fuck today it's raining

It sucks. Your face is red, man. I think you got like a bit of like frostbite or something going. No, it's because I'm too goddamn hot right now. Maybe I should take off some clothes. Yeah, why don't you take off your clothes for the people, man? Why don't you do that? Because I'm not drunk. I'm not high. It sucks, man. Well, there's lots of people commenting. A lot of people have been writing in comments. They want to see you naked, bud. It's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes.

All right. All right, bud. So how much longer is this fucking Corona bullshit going to last? All right, Buck, so how much longer is this fucking Corona bullshit going to last? Well, I don't know if you've seen the fucking numbers that are going up there, but, I mean, it's going to be awful. It's going to be fucking awful. They're saying right now that even if they do all the social distancing and everything goes exactly the way it should and they get lucky, there's still going to be, you know,

1,000 or 200,000 people die just in the United States alone. That's fucking unbelievable. That's if they do everything right and they get lucky. That's the low number. So, I mean... What if they do everything bad? It could be up in the millions, Ricky.

Holy shit. It's not a fucking... That's no fucking joke, boys. That's a fucking terrible fucking synopsis. Well, I'm glad I'm in the woods, except for the moose and the shitty weather, but... I think it's going to... Listen, I'm going to make a prediction.

What's today? Today's, what, Friday the 3rd or something like that? Friday, April the 3rd. I'm going to predict right now that it's going to keep getting worse until... Until it gets better. Well, yeah, Ricky, obviously. But I think until the middle or the end of May. May?

Yeah. I can't stand the end of May, man. That's insane. Especially with all these animals mating everywhere around me. It's driving me nuts. I can't fang. It sucks. Well, you might meet a nice moose.

You know what you got to do, Rick? And I'm fucking... A hunter told me this years back, go on the offense. Go try to bang them, and they'll run away from you. Julian, don't be... How do you know...

How do you know a girl moose from a boy moose? Doesn't matter. Just fucking go at them. Julian, don't be telling them that. You're going to believe you No go at them Pock out pull your rack That's the way you do it man that's what they do in the animal kingdom

You ever seen rabbits bang No I think there was a expression about banging like Rabbits or something I forget what it is but man They do like there's this one guy He's peeing off on three or four different bunnies It's nuts Bunnies like to bang man And ducks But, man, they do. Like, there's this one guy, he's been peeing off on three or four different bunnies. It's nuts.

Bunnies like to bang, man. And ducks. There's a couple ducks around, and they make weird noises when they're singing. Boy, you've heard the expression, oh, fuck a duck. Fuck a duck? Fuck a duck. You never heard that expression? No. I heard fuck it up.

It doesn't actually mean to fuck a duck. It just means you screwed up. I heard fuck it up. It doesn't actually mean to fuck a duck. It just means you you screwed up. Oh, fuck a duck. I dropped my I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Yeah, but man, they make some weird noises. I wish I had a recorder. Do people actually bag ducks, bubs? What? Well, you said where did the that come from? Fuck a duck? I don't know. I think just because it rhymes I don't think anybody actually fucked a duck. I hope not. You catch a different version of the coronavirus.

Did Sonny Ding's brother ever bang a duck? Huh? Did Sonny Ding's brother ever bang a duck maybe? He probably banged every fucking animal on their farm, man. Straight up. Sonny Ding banged a duck.

E-I-E-I-O. With a duck, duck here and a fucking duck there. Here a duck, fucking duck everywhere. Duck, duck, old Sonny Ding. Probably got like half-baked brothers and half-duck sisters and fucking cows that are half-human.

They're fucked, man. I was reading on my phone that the liquor store sales are up 40%. That's insane. And I have nothing. I didn't even know the liquor store was open. Well, maybe now that you do, you can go there and come to the Sunnyvale Woods and just leave some stuff by the big birch tree

and I'll go and get it. Ricky, this is what I'm going to do for you because I'm a friend of yours, okay? I found some credit cards here. I've been getting food delivered to this place. You can get booze from fucking restaurants delivered. Like, it's not bad, man. I've got a

number for you. You just can't go fucking nuts. Oh, man, that's awesome. Okay, well, just tell them to deliver. There's a great big, massive purchase for you right on the edge of the woods. Just tell them to drop it off there. Amazon, pizza, wherever the hell... No, I'm going to give you the fucking information. I'll text it to you,

okay? Figure that shit out. You do it yourself. I'm not great at texting. Well, I'm not great at trying to figure out where the fuck you're at, man. You're out in the fucking woods somewhere. Okay, well, just remember there's a special three-number thing on the back card. You gotta send

that shit. You don't have that. It never fucking works. Yeah, it's the fucking verification number. Yeah, man. It's a three-digit number. You need that. It's called CVV. It's called the CVV number for those playing at home on your bingo cards. What does that stand for?

Credit verification VIN number. Canada. What? Credit verification of Canada. That would be CVC, Ricky. Oh, I thought that's what you said.

CVV. Is it CVV? Your CVV number. Canadian verification vagina. Yeah, I think that's better. There's not numbers in there. They don't print numbers on there. This is fucked.

I have to say, I'm getting pretty used to sleeping in the woods. What? I am getting pretty used to sleeping in the woods. It's actually been pretty comfortable, except for all the goddamn animals and, you know, that one moose trying to bang me. Other than that, it's been pretty nice and peaceful. I might start living in the woods forever. Did you have weed with you? No, I did. I ran out. So apart from that, once I can come out of the woods, I'm going to stock up and then I'm going right back in the woods. I might be able to, if I can find a little drone somewhere, I could fly dope to you on a drone. Oh man, I don't want to say that I'd suck you off, but you know. Oh man, I don't want to say that I'd suck you off, but you know...

Ricky... Holy fuck, but you know what a man's gotta do. You know what, you could make some serious fucking money with your drone right now. Ever even thought of it? Well, my drone, it's not big enough to carry weed. I'd have to find a bigger drone. I mean, I could carry one joint maybe, but I just got one of those little guys, right? Well, one joint would be good. Yeah, people pay big bucks for a joint right now,

Bob's. Is the dope store not open anymore? Who knows? Probably not. You know how bad it sucks to go to sleep when you're not drunk and high? You dream.

It's awful. I can't stand dreaming. You dream when you're not all fucked up, Ricky. What do you mean you can't stand? It's not good. What do you mean you can't stand dreaming? Do you know that dreams aren't real? You wake up and you're like, that was a nice tease. At least when you're drunk and high and you don't dream, you don't get

teased What do you dream? I thought I could fly the other night They get a lot That's what I thought I had a dream I could so the next morning I climbed up three and jumped out of it Brown and almost broke my goddamn leg Ricky Oh boys, I'm getting I'm gonna have to find me a snap of liquor here. Stop talking about liquor and dope, boys. You're killing me here. Yeah, I got a fresh bottle of this dope, man.

It's good. I've got like a 40-ounce for the rest of the night. Set up for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and Sunday night. Well, really, really happy for you, Julian. Really fucking happy. I've been figuring out, I've got enough booze in this place to last me, I'd say, eight weeks,

nine weeks. Well, the only thing I have is an unlimited supply of firewood. You've been having bonfires, Ricky? Oh, yeah. Big time. Almost burnt the woods down. Thank God it's only spring and the ground's pretty wet right now. Yeah, too bad you didn't have bubbles there playing the guitar, you know, singing songs.

I'm going to sing some songs. I'm going to sing some songs. Those are the days I miss, Pops. What? I miss those days, man. Yeah, I miss the days too, Julian, when I used to get the guitar out and sit by the fire, and you used to come out of your trailer all drunk and your speed off. Well, the first thing I'm going to order with the credit cards is, well, besides some dope and liquor, a big bucket of chicken. And I'm going to eat all the skin first. You have a chicken party by yourself, buddy. You deserve it, man.

You're doing good. I don't think the KFCs of the world are open, are they? There's drive-thrus open, Bobbs. I don't know. Don't tell me that. Don't rain on my chicken party. No, you'll get a chicken party, man. I'd love to have a fucking chicken party.

Chicken party, lots of booze, lots of dope, mushrooms. That used to be an habit. That's one thing I miss is real food. What do you mean? Squirrels and shit, it's good for a couple days, but after that it gets a little lame. Ricky, how many

fucking squirrels have you eaten, do you think, in the last week? I've only, I think only two squirrels, a couple rabbits, one duck, and just a bunch of berries and twigs and shit. Twigs? Why are you eating twigs? Well, some days, the other day it snowed and I couldn't find any goddamn food. You gotta eat something.

Not very good for your teeth, though. Julian, have you been eating twigs? No, man. I've got a fucking big giant deep freeze full of fucking frozen pizzas, Pogo's. Fuck, what else is in there? Because I had like a frozen turkey.

I might get that going in another couple weeks. I have a turkey dinner. Gravy. You're making me hungry. You're making me hungry. You're making me hungry. For some reason, they had like 20 pounds of potatoes in their pantry. Fucking great, man. Lots of spices.

Mmm, spices. Fuck, I'd love some spices. I'm out of spices. Well, you know what, Bugs? If you can stay away for another two weeks or so, maybe come over. One thing I did realize is, you know, all these people complain they're out of toilet paper. Leaves. Leaves work fantastic, especially when they're a little damp.

They actually feel really nice on your ass. If your ass is a little sore, it's great. I think it's better than toilet paper. Well, leaves, it's like built-in aloe vera gel right on your hoop. Yeah. Some of the leaves are a little hard, but like a nice big maple leaf, it's a little moist. It's great.

Pretty much one wipe and you're done. Pine cones work good too, Ricky. No, tried those. They're pretty rough. Actually, I had some chafing going on from Bonkone. How's your arse-wiping situation, Julian? It's pretty good, man.

They got a bidet here, so I'm not even worried about it. You got a bidet? Yeah, man. Check it out. Well, it must be nice. The all-powerful, almighty Julian in his big mansion with Yeah, man. Check it out. Well, it must be nice. I'll send a picture, okay? Powerful, almighty Julian in his big mansion

with fancy cars and foods and liquors and... You gotta be prepared for things like this, like the apocalypse and shit. You gotta be prepared, boys. I'm prepared. I've got a bidet, too. It's called a garden hose. There you go. That's a good idea. Bet you it's got more pressure than your a bidet too. It's called a garden hose. There you go. That's a good idea.

Bet you it's got more pressure than your fucking bidet. Yeah, I was only having my arsehole ripped apart. So, have fun, bud. You guys can't even imagine how I smell right now. It is awful. Tell us about the smell. I had a snow bath the other day, but other than that, I have not washed myself in almost two weeks. Wow.

Snow baths suck. They're cold, and they don't really clean that well. Tell me the steps of a snow bath, Ricky. How do you start a snow bath? You get naked, and you just roll around in the snow, and you use your hands, and you just start rubbing snow All over your body and everywhere you can You try to clean yourself But oh you're fighting the cold And you got animals staring at you like you're a fucking lunatic

And it's not a good time But what else can you do when you're stuck in the woods So when you were having a When you were having a snow bath Was that when one of the moose tried to Tried to fuck you No, no it was a couple chipmunks looking at me and this other animal i don't know what the fuck it was it looked like a

cat but it had like no tail he looked a little scary actually and he's looking at me like what the fuck is this guy's deal i'm like fuck off and he ran away it sounds like a lynx man don't fuck with those what's the lynx it was a lynx it's? It's a lynx. It's got a little stubby tail. Like a big kitty, Ricky, about this big with no tail? Yeah. That's a bobcat, for fuck's sakes. That's a bobcat? That thing will fuck you up.

Don't be... I mean, let me come deal with that. I can deal with a bobcat, no problem. Because he was looking at me. He was looking at me like I might have a little snack on my body for myself I don't know if he's looking at what I'm looking for. He'll chew the cock right off. Yeah When you have I didn't realize no baths make lots of noise, okay Here the fucking animals away. I Was making noise. I was making noise I was cold I'm like this sucks ah this sucks but I'm getting clean

all right if you make a bow and arrow have a fucking spear or something then some boulders brown yeah you know what a spear is a good idea you can make those that it would can't you? Yes, you can. Yeah. You don't want to end up in the hospital right now with the fucking chewed up fuck, okay? Especially from an animal that's wild. I was worried about getting

the hypodermia. Yeah, you don't want to end up in the hospital right now, man. You're too busy there anyway right now. Fuck. Yeah, Ricky, don't be to end up in the hospital right now, man. You're too busy there anyway right now. Fuck. Yeah, Ricky, don't be going into the hospital saying a bobcat grabbed me by the wiener and looks like a half-chewed caramel now. I'll go see Losko if I have to, I guess. No, if anybody has the corona, it'd be him.

I'm going to go cook some food, boys. All right. I got to. I'm almost out of fucking propane, too. All right, you assholes. Miss you guys. Love you guys. Love you guys.

You guys stay safe. And talk to the fucking animals, Rick. Please, especially when you're naked. All right. Well, I don't want to be in the woods. You might see me before too long. Yeah, just stay safe, man. You too, Pops.

I'm not worried too much about you. I know you're good. Yeah, I'm good. I'll call you in about an hour. No, I'm going to be busy, man. I'm going to hop in the fucking doozy. Well, two hours, and I'll call you back in two hours. Alright.

We'll have another talk. Nice. Alright. Alright, see ya, boys. Hopefully I'll be less boring by then. See ya, boys. See ya's later. Stay safe, fuckers.