Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - TPB in Quarantine - Episode 2

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

No, you're not f**ked up on drugs - by the miracle of the worldy-pipe, Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are hanging out in Ricky's trailer! They discuss how to get people to f**k off home, why pheasant might be on the menu for Ricky, and what Bubbles hasn't been doing in his shed. Plus: Where the f**k will the Boys go next week?

Hey everybody, I know the audio on these is a little bit fucky, but that's just because the world's gone to shit and I'm at the thing here trying to work all the equipment by myself and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck's sakes. There, check that out, boys. Holy shit, how you doing that? Look at that, Ricky, we're sitting in your trailer, kind of. That's kind of cool, Buzz. I mean, it looks like you put my drink down, but I just can't reach the table, man. No, I know.

It's not really there. That's the problem. Oh, Bob's. What? My arm's missing. Oh, yeah, no, don't worry about your arms. You can't have your arms at all times. Look at this, Ricky.

There's you. Oh yeah, there we go. Not you by yourself. Right on, boss. How the fuck did you do this, man? I did it. Look at that. There's me and you, Ricky.

Oh yeah, that's cool. Oh, just like we're sitting in your trailer. It looks totally real. I wish I was in the trailer. I mean, Ricky, what's up with Ricky? I got to go this way. What's up with Ricky? He looks like he's 2D or something, like flat. He is. He's 2D, and I angled him so he'd fit at the table. I wanna be 3D or 4D. Well, you can't really be,

there, Ricky, now you're flat 2D, just like you're sitting in your kitchen. Look at your microwave over your shoulder. Oh man, I wish I could use that so bad. Try to use it, man. Go for it, try to use it, Rick. You could use that so bad. Try to use it, man. Go for it. Try to use it, Rick. You can use that.

How do I do it? Yeah, use your microwave, man. Just pretend. No. No. If you're stoned enough, you might fucking think you're using it, but... All right, that's pretty cool, pups. I think it's pretty decent.

How are you guys doing, anyway? Starting to get pretty lonely, Puff. Missing ya. Yeah, tell me about it. I'm just, you know, in my fucking shed all the time. Here, just let me look at you, Julian. You know what, drinking by yourself sucks, man. Yeah, I'm looking right at you, Julian. You know what? Drinking by yourself sucks, man. I'm looking right at you, Julian.

Doing everything by yourself. Drinking by yourself really sucks, man. I'm looking right down at your gorgeous muscles. Look at them. So gorgeous. Just stop fucking looking at me, man. Look, I'm looking at Ricky now. Hey, Ricky.

I'm looking at your wiener. How's it looking? His wiener would be flat as a pancake. Flat as a pancake wiener. So, boys, have you seen how many people are getting this fucking coronavirus shit? It's getting worse, man, isn't it? It's getting worse, man, isn't it? It's getting worse. People are fucking, they're not listening to the goddamn rules,

and they're going to church, and they're doing all kinds of bullshit they don't need to be doing. Stupid, man. I don't get it. I'm not getting it. I'm saying to fuck home, boys, or this is my new home, I guess. Has anything changed? What? I'm saying this will last until like next year, for fuck's sakes.

I know. They come out today with the report and said it's probably going to be a fucking year, this shit. So... I hope not, because people aren't going to last a year, man. I don't know how. I don't know how I'm going to last even another fucking

few weeks but we got to tell people stay in your goddamn houses people. Jesus Murphy. I'm just hoping this house has like auto delivery for fuel and shit because it's starting to run out. Well you're gonna have to call them up and pretend you're the homeowner I guess. Well it's time to run out. Well, you're going to have to call them up and pretend you're the homeowner, I guess. Well, it's up to find some other home to fucking borrow. Fuck's sakes, man. Hey, Ricky, have you been masturbating a lot? How much is a lot?

Well, like more than three times a day. Three's probably about average. What about you? I don't do that. What? No, there's two. I've got 116 kitties in my shed, Ricky. They won't give a fuck. Well, I don't like them looking at me and you don't want stuff to get in their fur, you know.

You got to release every now and then, bud. Okay? It's normal. No, it's just fine the way it is. Everything's fine. All right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this for two more weeks, but there better be some good news after that,

because I'm going to snap. That's going to be longer than two weeks, man. I wish I was there with you, man. Yeah, I wish it. Well, look, Ricky, you're sitting right with me in your trailer. It's kind of fun. Kind of, man, but it's not the same. No, I know it's not the same, but we don't really have a choice.

We should start our own coronavirus task force. I'm fucking totally into it, man. All we need is to get like a fucking like a bullhorn or something, attach it to your car, and go around and just start fucking swearing at people

that are outside of gathering the people. You know what I'm saying, Bubs? Well, if you've got a, you know, you could maybe go around shooting your mouth off to people. Pushing them. No, I don't want to push them.

I don't give anywhere near these dumb people. I just want to tell them to go the fuck home. It says you can stay a hockey stick length away. So you could hit someone with a hockey stick right in the fucking chest. But that would keep them out of the goddamn outdoors. Or pellet guns. I was thinking pellet guns might be a good way of getting people to fuck off the streets.

A pellet's not going to kill you. You can't start blasting people with fucking pellets gun bullets. Well, just in the back of the head or the chest or the unit or you know what I mean? Just start fucking I've got a pellet gun in this house, man. I won't use it. I agree. Or just throw big

rocks or bricks. Don't go for the head. Boys, don't be... It goes way back to the war times, man. The best way to get people to do what you want is to fucking torture them a bit. Boys, don't be telling the public to fucking start

shooting people with pallet guns or throwing bricks or rocks at them. I'm talking about our little group. We set it up. We set up a little team of like, you know, idiot patrol. We'll get a bunch of bottles, man. Let's go back to our roots.

Let's be bottled men. Let's get the fucking bottle kids going, man. Recruit a bunch of them. We're going to have a fucking army of bottle kids. That'll smarten people up. There's a lot of bottles around my shed. I've been drinking like a fish. There's lots of bottles at this place man people would think twice about going outside they

knew they might get hit with a bottle i fucking agree man did you see what they're doing in india they've got they've got to figure it out in india man they start whacking with fucking gains in India, man. They start whacking you with fucking canes. That's the shit you do right there. I saw that video. I saw that video where you, you know, you don't fucking listen

and you get whacked with a cane by the cops. You're tough, but I'm side of the head, man. I'm liking it. I think that's what we got to do. Yeah, or we can fill up water guns with horse piss. Just go around spraying people right in the face. I agree liking it. I think that's what we got to do. Yeah, or we can fill up water guns with horse piss. Just go around spraying people right in the face. I agree, man.

Who wants to get shot with horse piss, bub? Nobody. Not me. Horse piss stinks. See, I think we got to go way back, man, to the earlier days of people, civilization. Do shit that they would do. Like spray horse piss on them.

I agree. I don't think you'd go spraying horse piss on people, boys. Who's got the stinkiest piss? What? What animal has the stinkiest piss? Because we need to get that type of piss. I guarantee you a hippopotamus has probably got the smelliest piss out of any creature in the fucking jungle.

I don't know if that would be true. A hippopotamus might have nice smelling piss. No, man. No. Either that or a fucking giraffe. Donkey piss is fucking awful. I've been pissed on by donkeys and goats.

Goat piss is awful. Yeah, goat piss isn fucking awful. I've been pissed on by donkeys and goats. Goat piss is awful. Yeah, goat piss isn't great. What? Deer piss. You can buy deer piss at Canadian Tire, man. What about moose piss? Fuck. Moose piss would be horrible. It depends. They give it all piss. It's fucking depends. All piss is fucking gross. Any piss will do, Bubs.

Well, I don't know about that, boys. All right, Bubs. This is what I'm thinking, okay? What if the three of us were in quarantine and we stayed away from people for two weeks? Shouldn't we be able to hook up? Is that safe? Hook up? Well, thank you, don't mean hang out. You mean like

make out? Boys, like hang out to drink with each other, not to hook up or you know what I mean? We could have drinks on the Zoom machine. Look at this, me mean we could have drinks yeah i think you're right on the zoom machine look at this me and ricky could have a drink right now hey ricky i wish i had a goddamn

drink here look at me ricky how do i do that look to your left the other way other way other way Other way. Other way. Other way, man. There we go. Hey, Ricky. Hey, guys. What's going on? Bob's just trying to take a kiss. He's going in, Bob. Go for it, buddy. Here, Ricky, watch.

Here, watch this. There's Julian reaching in. Oh, Julian, stop rubbing my neck. Look at Julian. What the fuck, Lee? That's not my band. That's Julian rubbing my neck. He was just asking me if we wanted to hook up.

Hey, Bubbles. This is you touching yourself, Bubbles. Hey, Bubbles. Bullshit, you're not jacking off. You're totally jacking. You got a nice touch there. I can see that. A nice touch.

Yeah, the way you were, you know, very nice, delicate touch. Julian thinks I have a nice, delicate touch, Ricky. Yeah, that's quite a thing. So can I come home or what? Not according to Health Canada. But I've been in the woods, so I know I don't have it. Well... You guys haven't left home, so you guys don't have it.

Well, I mean, I... I've had a couple parties. I didn't want to fucking so you guys don't have it. Well, I mean, I I've had a couple parties. I didn't want to fucking tell you guys this, but there's been a couple parties. Julian, you didn't have a party. Just a few ladies came over. They wanted to check out the house and stuff,

but they might be coming back. You're the reason. You're the fucking reason. I'm not leaving this house, though, man. You don't understand. They're coming to me. I'm here. Yeah, but what if they were just down at the fucking Legion

and they fucking just gave a hammer to somebody and then they come there and they're smooching you. Next thing you know, you've got coronavirus all over your lips. Yeah, but then, I mean, I should be okay, shouldn't I, if I get it? Or am I fucked? No, if you get it, you're going to be fucked because your muscles are so big.

What? People with big muscles, look at Chris Cuomo. Chris Cuomo, he's in shape and he's fucked. So I don't think you'd fare out very well. I think your muscles would suck up the coronavirus and replicate it faster.

Some people just aren't being fair. Like, did you hear about that football player from Manchester City, in Norgy? What was he doing? Yeah, in Norgy, with two hookers and a friend of his. What? Well, that's basically what Julian just said he did.

Well, Pops, it wasn't as greasy as that, man. I saw that, though. The guy was one of the Manchester soccer teams, wasn't it? Yep, Manchester City. Manchester City. He had a party and got busy with some ladies. teams, wasn't it? Yep. Manchester City. Manchester City. He had a party and got busy with some ladies. That's what happens when you got lots of money, man.

You're quarantined. You're what a fucking... You want to get some hookers dialed in and have some fun. I hope they were good hookers because 3,000 pounds he paid them or something. 3,000 pounds? Holy shit, that's like six grand. Some high-end escorts.

How much is a regular one, Julian? How much is a normal escort cost? I don't pay, Bubs, okay? But you must know how much they cost. I don't ask them, man. They're just friends. Right? I'm not going to ask them how much you guys fucking charge for co-jobs.

Then they'll probably want me to charge, like pay them that. Right? Why get into it? I guess so. We're friends. You know what else is pissing me off? What? What?

What? I'm going to just wait. You keep talking, Ricky. Oh, just some of these fucking idiots like J-Lo putting up these pictures of her by a pool. Oh, poor me. Fuck off. Yeah, there is people getting

pissed off about people saying stay the fuck home, B me. Fuck off. Yeah, there is people getting pissed off about people saying stay the fuck home, bubs. Yeah? They're saying they're not liking celebrities and people... I don't know, man. Just because we're on TV, man, I think people might be getting pissed off at us

as well. Well, there's a lot of people right now that aren't living in the fucking woods, I can tell you that. Yeah. I would say so. So what, should we not tell people to fucking stay home and just talk about other shit or what? Probably. Probably. I mean, I don't think anybody's

going to believe we're actually sitting in Ricky's kitchen right now Julian's a little bit smaller than he should be what the fuck's going on with me man did you like shrink me or something I don't know what happened I hit a button and you're a little

move closer to your camera and you'll be Jesus Christ what about the god damn cotton in your little... Move closer to your camera and you'll be... Jesus Christ. What about the goddamn Easter Bunny? What? What about the goddamn Easter Bunny? Is he still allowed to work? Well, but Rick, you...

Come on. Are you kidding me? What? We told you last year, but the whole deal. Health Canada... Health Canada, and I believe we told you last year but the whole deal health canada health canada and i believe the united states as well said that the easter bunny and the tooth fairy are both essential

considered essential workers so they don't have a quarantine hey fuck so the easter bunny will be coming ricky what the fuck are you getting into this? Like, come on. Let him have his fucking...

Let him have it, Julian. He's living in the woods eating sticks. Well, it's more for my grandson than for me, but I still like going on an egg hunt. Having a chocolate bunny here and there. All right, well... Rick, I don't think he's going to find your fucking little photo in the woods, but wherever the fuck you're in. How many chocolate bunnies did you eat last year, Ricky?

14. You won't be eating 14 this year, bud. You might. Fucking good good too. Might as well fucking find some snow or some ice, chisel it in an Easter bunny, put some mud on it and eat it. Because that's about it. That prick little rabbit brings me

white chocolate bunny again this year. I'm going to kill him. Nah, he's not going to find where you're at, man. I fucking guarantee you. Do you know if we have wild turkeys around here so I can hunt one? Do you mean real we have wild turkeys around here so I can hunt one? Some pheasants. The real ones or the liquor? Oh, man, both would be great.

Wild turkeys. Wild pheasants, man. They're all over the fucking place out there where you're at. Some pheasants? I'm not going to kill a pheasant and eat them. No, pheasants. P-H. Pheasants. P-H. Pheasants.

What is that? Is it like an animal? It's a bird, Ricky. You know what a pheasant is. You've hit them with your car before. Oh, one of those colorful things. Well, no, those are peacocks. You ran over a peacock at the Chauvin-Acadie Wildlife Park.

Yeah, I wasn't very far. The pheasant stuck right in the grill of the fucking car. It was just hanging there. Oh, yeah. That's what I was getting at. That was fun. You ate him, so I don't know. Go get a fucking pheasant, man, if you like it.

I'm just going to have frozen pizza. I can have turkey pizza, I guess, if I can catch one. Who makes turkey pizza? I'll just drop a turkey off some pizza shop and tell them to deliver it to the woods. I think that's a great idea, Ricky. Go kill a turkey, got them, and then drop him off at the pizza shop. They can got him. Oh, you're going to make the pizza pizza.

Got him? I worked at a pizza shop, man. There's no fucking way I'd be getting a fucking pheasant being a pizza maker or a delivery driver or whatever. You're fucking kidding me, man. Turkey pizza might be really good the more I think about it. Oh, turkey pizza is fucking delicious.

I love turkey pizza. It's gravy for the sauce, a little bit of cranberry. They have it at Boston Pizza. They have, like, Christmas pizza at Christmas. It's got turkey, stuffing, cranberries, and gravy onto it. My mouth is watering, and I'm getting a wreck. What does that mean? Put your wiener out on the table, Ricky.

Pull your wiener out. Lay it on the table. Okay. No, I'm joking. Oh. I'm joking. Don't pull your wiener out. People will be able to see it.

That's not good. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it is. You know what we got to start doing? What do we got to start doing, Bucks? We got to start. Well, I'm just thinking of other ways to. I mean, this is fine and everything,

but you got to think of better ways to communicate and maybe we could play some games. Yeah, that sounds good. Maybe we could play some games on here somehow. Like, I don't know how you would do it though. If you could put us somewhere truly, can you put us anywhere? I could probably, Ricky. I'm still figuring out how to work the machines, but look what I did. I mean, I got us all sitting at the table.

I've got you by yourself. I've got me and you sitting there talking. Hey, Ricky. Well, maybe we can go on some trips. I'd like to go somewhere. Where would you like to go? Let's just travel around the world and tell people that aren't staying home get fucking their houses We could totally do that

You guys you got the green things. I sent you obviously because you're you're in front of them. That's how I'm able to do this I Sent the green material over to your places But if you were able to do it where you were standing up, I could probably put us on the beach somewhere like down in the Bahamas. Oh man, that'd be cool. Maybe we could be on the beach next time or I could put us in a spaceship. I've always wanted to go to Russia. I could put us right in Red Square in Moscow, Julian.

Let's check it out, man. And maybe I could find, you know, video of ladies walking around and you could be whistling at them and, you know, trying to talk to them. I mean, they wouldn't really be there, but we could pretend. We could pretend, man. I'm all for it. We could play pretendies. I'm in. Why don't we dress up like Russian

soldiers next week? I don't have a lot of stuff available right now. You could go shirtless, Ricky, and I could put you in the jungle. What if I painted my chest, if I could find some green paint, painted my chest green, could could find some green paint, paint in my chest green, could you put on any kind of clothes that I wanted? I don't know how that works, that would

be difficult, but I might be able to, we might be able to just have those sort of cut out Barbie type clothes and I just lay them over you, sort of thing. All right. Next time you send me, like, a box with a green thingy in it and some lights that I can plug in at a fucking house where people aren't home, can you maybe send some people to open the box? Jesus. I mean, you're getting...

That's starting to get a little complicated now, I believe. Yeah, you could have put some other things in my box, too. Like, you know, some mechs, a lot of mechs. Well. Some hash would be nice, bubs. I'm doing it.

Yeah, man. I don't have any of the supplies of stuff, you know. Rolling papers. Well, you can go over to T, ask T, he can get it, man. He doesn't give a fuck. I can't go ask T, I can't go around people. Do you not know what's going on in the fucking world?

You just have to go out your front door of your shed, take a left, don't walk, say, T, I need some dope. And he'll fucking say, all right, man. And then get him to chuck you some in a fucking sip-wash bin. I'm not being a dope delivery man. If I can get

this drone fired up, I'll fly some to you. Yes. Please. That would be nice. Thank you, Pops. I'll try to fly some dope to you. And if I can find a fucking drone in this house somewhere, I'll try to fly some to you

too, okay? Whatever you want. That's the kind of stuff. I'm getting low. I've only got three types of cat treats left. So they're starting to get a little, you know, a little picky. Normally I have anywhere from 12 to 30 varieties. You know what I'm missing right now? Ketchup. You don't have ketchup. Never go without ketchup, man. Like don't have to touch it. Without ketchup, man,

it's fucking almost impossible. You don't realize it when you're in normal situations, but like right now, I'm dying for some fucking ketchup. That and some Kentucky Fried Chicken Gravy. I just had Kentucky Fried Chicken Gravy.

No way. Yes, I ordered some and they brought it over and I, the problem was I sprayed the container down with the disinfectant and I didn't know the lid had holes in it so it went in and it was gravy but it kind of tasted like

you know, Ajax Clorox or whatever. But it was still nice. When you buy shit at the store, you have to clean it and stuff or just say, fuck it? No, I clean. I've been cleaning everything, Ricky. I get groceries.

I take them home. I should show you how I do it. I spray everything down and then I let it seep in and then I wipe it off and then I, with gloves, I move it to the safe zone and then off come the gloves and I hose myself down and then I know that everything's been you know safety checked and then I can go about my business I guess you have to seems like a lot of work

that's a lot but it's smart Rick we all gotta fucking do shit like that. I mean, I wish I was there, because then Bubz could do it for all three of us. Because the chances of us doing a record... I wouldn't be doing it for you there, asshole. What? I wouldn't be doing it for you. I wash my own groceries. Why the fuck would I be washing your groceries?

You wash the groceries? I would make you a meal. Alright, do you know. Can dogs carry it? What? Can dogs carry this goddamn COVID-19 bullshit? Dogs carry it. There's a tire in New York that has it. I woke up the other morning,

and there was a dog breathing right in my face, seeing if I was alive, I guess. Hopefully he didn't have the fucking... A dog breathing in my face seeing if i was alive i guess so hopefully he didn't have a dog breathing in your face yeah he must have been a wild dog or something pretty ugly was it a wolf ricky what does the wolf look like it looks like a dog scary fucking dog does it look kind of like a husky sort of yes Yes. Did you have a wolf breathing in your face? It could have been. He had a smelly breath like you might have been eating an animal. Jesus, Ricky, it was probably a fucking wolf. You've got to get some,

you've got to build a lean-to or something. Or it's just like the guy dances with wolves, man. Maybe he's going to be friends with all the animals. I think I could be. I'm good at talking to animals. You're going to be like Dr. Doolittle, are you? I don't know. I can't understand what they're saying like he could,

but they seem to like me and they seem to listen to me. They're not afraid of me. They should be, but they're not. Well, I don't know what to say, Rick. Just don't get into a fight with one, so fuck you over. Depends on the animal, I guess.

Did anything ever lick you out in the woods, Ricky? I don't think. Maybe a bugs. Don't be doing the thing where you put the peanut butter, you know, what you used to do. Don't be doing that because if a wolf grabs a hold of it. That wasn't me, that was Corey. Was it? Yeah, I mean.

Okay. Was it? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, boys, I got a fucking load of grocery showing up at the fucking shed here, so I got to get my hazmat suit on. Okay, bud.

Work on getting us some dope and firing up that drone, please. Yes, let's go on a trip. Let's tell people. Let's give a little message to the people watching this. You just got to fucking stay, you know. I know it sucks, but you got to fucking, you got to keep staying away from people. So this fucking ends at some point.

This is fucking horrible. Just remember, the next time you leave your house, and it's not necessary, you might get hit with a rock, you might get hit with a horse. Stay the fuck home. There you go, you heard it from Ricky right there. And it might not be fucking great at home at the moment, it's not gonna feel much better, but way better than being in the fucking hospital around a bunch of sick fucking people. Yeah, you don't want to be in the hospital. The nurses and doctors are just over fucking whelmed. Everybody knows this. We don't got to tell

you any of this, but just hang the fuck in there, everybody. It's going to get better. Jesus Murphy. At some point, it is. Right on, Bubs. Okay, boys. I'll see you guys. I'll see you guys. I'll call you tonight, alright alright, love you guys

love you too, Ricky, okay, over and out alright peace out peace out