Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - TPB in Quarantine - Episode 3

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Ricky's still in the woods and living off sticks and burnt toads - will he get his emergency dope package in time for 420? Bubbles attempts to cheer up the Boys with dancing birds, a flying car, and the latest Banksy masterpiece! Julian also has an important medical question: does the Coronavirus f**k up your bag?

Boys, can you see me? Yeah, how's it going, man? Hey, we're back in the trailer, Ricky. This is really cool, man. This is. Hey, what the hell are you wearing? Oh, I just, I got freaked out because I had to go to the grocery store and there was a guy coughing up his fucking lungs and I almost had a heart attack. So I came home and put my, put my suit on and it's staying on

until this fucking thing's over. Are you naked under that or what? It's none of your business if I'm naked under this. Well, I'm saying if he's coughing on you, you should be taking your clothes off and then putting that on. Here, look at this, boys. I got some new...

There we are. Look at this. I got you, Ricky. Nice. That's cool. I got you, Ricky. Nice. That's cool. There's me and you sitting side by side. Oh, yeah. It's all right. There's me and you. Oh, man, I need to shave, eh, bud?

Yeah, you're looking a bit hobo-y. I'm looking like Nick Adonis. Nick is dickiness. I also ordered you some microphones. They're going to be going right to your locations. Nice. Then it'll be, you know, then it'll be even better. Well, I hope you put something good in the box this time.

Yes, Ricky, there's some other stuff in the box that's coming to your place. What'd you get me, man? I didn't get you anything, because you're living in the lap of luxury. Ricky is living like a fucking Neanderthal, but you got some nice dope coming your way, Ricky. Oh, yeah, buddy. Tea got some hash. Just in time for 420. What?

I asked you for a fucking wonder bar man O. Henry wonder bar something like a chocolate bar there's an O. Henry bar in there okay thank you the package is open but it didn't go anywhere weird what do you mean it didn't go anywhere weird

the package is open but the bar didn't come out and go anywhere that's going to be funny there's a bite out of it I bet isn't there anywhere weird. The package is open but the bird didn't come out and go anywhere. That's gonna be funny. There's a bite out of it I bet isn't there? No there's no bites out of it and it didn't go. I'm sure I'm not fucking putting your corona lips on my fucking old angry man. No my lips didn't go on it that's for sure. No lips. What went on it? Are you fucking with me? Just you can eat it. It's fine. If I had to go through 420 with no dope, I would lose it.

This is the biggest 420 ever. It's 2020, 420. It's like fucking 420 all month. It's true, Ricky. Just so you know what's coming, I got you some tea. Got you some blonde Lebanese hash. Yes. He got you some something called Jamaican gumball. I don't know what that is.

Oh, my God. One of my favorites. And some weed. He got you some weed that's called, like, God's Balls or something like that. I forget, but it's supposed to be good. Sounds fucked, but I'll smoke it Try to get me some clones man. I'm gonna plant some while I'm out here may as well Could be over here for a while. Well Ricky. It wasn't easy to get you what I got you

I don't know that I can get you clones Maybe some food What did you eat snacks? Are you still eating twigs? I've been eating like weird shit, man. A lot of grass. I feel like a cow. Grass. Yeah, I know, man.

I'm getting sick of eating strawberry Eggos, man. Lots of strawberry Eggos. Oh, fuck. I feel so bad for you. You're having nice Eggos with syrup and butter on them. There's no syrup. I feel your pain. I'm sick of Eggos.

Well, you shouldn't be rubbing it in. Poor Ricky's eating sticks and grass. And weird animals. I had a barbecue last night. I had steak, baked potatoes. I had a barbecue, too. I had a frog. Corn niblets.

You had a frog. Wasn't great. You ate a frog, Ricky? I wasn't proud of it, but I was starving. They said it tastes like chicken. Is that true? Frog legs? Definitely not. Actually, you know what?

This was a toad, so maybe you're not supposed to eat toads. I don't know. Toad legs? Yeah, that's pretty gross. How many people eat toad legs, do they, Bubs? Who's a frog leg? You've seen that fancy restaurant, right? Well, you can eat toad legs if you can find one big enough.

I mean, one of those big Australian cocksuckers, his legs are, you know, 14 inches long or something like that. What? A little fucker wasn't there to eat the cocksuckers. He ate one of those big frogs. He's just like eating a turkey drumstick. Eating one of those big fucking legs. A lot of weird shit inside a toad when you cut it open.

Like what, Ricky? What did you find? Just weird gut stuff. It's gross. Yeah, they're toad guts. That's what's in a toad. I burnt it, so that probably made it taste worse. Burnt toad.

Yeah. Sounds good, but it's not. Hey, boys, I figured out... I'm figuring out more how to work the machine, right? So I got... I know how to put videos into her now. Right on, man. I found some cool shit.

We're not the Godfather, man. Let's watch a shit. Put on the Godfather, man. Let's watch a movie. We're not watching a fucking movie. We're going to do the thing like we always do. Let's just put on that scene on Heat. You know, De Niro, Heat. With the big gunfight. I'm not putting that on so you can beat off to it.

Did you guys see that? That older lady? That older lady that was... she was at a beer or something yes just wait no here just wait i've got it ricky just watch this i feel her pain man watch this i think this is who you're talking about ricky this lady Yes! God love her. She's 93, Julian. She held a sign up in the window, said I need more beer. I know my last 12 cans. Anyway, I have a beer every night. You know what? Beer has vitamins in it. I know what beer has vitamins in it. That's right. I got some tips for ya.

Only don't overdo it. Cora's dropped off 93 fuckin' or 100 in some cases of beer to her. Are you fucking kidding me? Swear to God. Man, that's a good girl. God love her. How old is she? 93.

93. She's cranking the beers down, boys. I love that I hope when I'm here These days my wife ends up looking like that When she's 93 Drinking still you know that'd be awesome I might come out of the woods

I come out of the woods and hold a sign up When people drop off a bunch of beer to me Well I'll probably call the cops on you man I think the point was that she's 93 I think you would just look like a you know an able bodied an able bodied hobo

looking for free beer that's what you would be Ricky I guess now if you were to lose a limp maybe and you had to sign up you might get some oh you can't oh fuck speaking of losing limbs did you see the there was a cop in india oh my god what the fuck was that there was a cop

some cops and they're trying to enforce the curfew in india and these guys fucking lost it buddy come up with a sword and fuck chopped the cop's hand right off. No, he didn't. Fucking hand right off. And he stabbed the cop's hand off. Yes. The police officer's hand came right off from a sword chop.

And then the fella, another guy, picked up his hand and walked over and gave it to him. And the cop just took his hand and he's all in shock. Just walks over to his cop car carrying his fucking hand and his other hand oh that's not real man i could probably guess it is man i could probably find the clip but it's

it's pretty fucking gross i don't think i should show that um let me see if i hope i hope they caught the fucking guy oh i think they did i I think they did. I think he was right there. I think he was right there. Chop his fucking hand off. Here, watch this one, Ricky. You want to see a fucked up clip? I don't know if you saw this one. Watch this guy, Julian.

Tell me how good of a driver this guy is. Watch this. All right. So, you know, just a regular day around the boat. Watch this. Alright. So, you know, just a regular day. I found a boat. I saw this. This is fucked. Just a regular day. This is in Poland.

What the fuck? Holy fuck did he ever do that? Here, watch it again. What the fuck? We got some air. I wish they had some after That was awesome, man. Here, watch it again. Watch it again. Man, what a fun. We got some air. Whoa. I wish they had some after footage.

I wish we got to see them land. That's awesome. That was quite a, I mean, you got to be going at a pretty good clip to get that kind of air. Oh, man. That could not have ended well. What do you think, boys? Pretty good with the claps, aren't I?

You are, man. You're all right, man. You're doing good. Loading in the claps here, I am. What else do I got? Oh, boys, you want to see a fucked one? Yeah, which one? 70-year-old woman.

Oh, yeah. What the fuck is a 70-year- old woman Doing a fucking hike in the mountains Trying to stay in shape I guess But look there's a down draft From the chopper Oh Oh yeah

She's like a fidget spinner Man I bet she was fucking Oh, yeah. She's like a fidget spinner. Man, I bet she was fucking... She must have been some dizzy. Is there any, like... Holy shit, she's really going there, eh? Is she swearing? Is there any audio? No, there's just some guy narrating it.

She must have. What is she saying right there? Oh, she'd be out cold, I think. Pretty sure she'd be fucking, see, she'd be unconscious, wouldn't she? No, I don't think so, man. Oh, I think that would spin you right out of, spin you right unconscious. It was either a really good ride or a really shitty ride, I don't know. No, Ricky, that would be fucking terrible.

Would it though? What would be good about it, Ricky? It would be like being on a ride at the fair. People can do that shit, boss. That's quite a fucking ride you're on, spinning at fucking 100 miles an hour.

Yeah. It's like an astronaut training, isn't it? Oh, I could handle it. Sure I could. I've been in a centrifuge, but I mean, that's an older lady. I would like to try it. Fuck it, her brains didn't pop right out of her head.

Yeah, I do feel bad for her. Oh, fuck. I hope there's no germs getting in. Yeah, I do feel bad for her. Fuck, I hope there's no germs getting in. Bob, I think, you know, Vandy, you should have a face mask on, not a goddamn hazmat suit. Well, when I go out, this is just for surface contact stuff in the shed and in the trailer.

When I go outside, I've got a full gas mask. Is there many people out walking around? What's it like out there, man? It's been a while. There's too many fucking people out walking around, in my opinion. Get the fuck in your houses. Yeah. How much time do you think we're going to be going through this?

A year? Two months? One month? Two years? Wow. we're going to be going through this? Like a year? Two months? One month? Two years? Wow. It's going to be... It's going to be... I watched the thing yesterday, and it's going to be spring next year

before they have people getting vaccines. So it's about a year. Wow. Well, this Canada seems to be doing all right. We're not doing that bad. Oh, we're not doing fucking great, Julian. It's flat enough. It's like, God.

I heard goosebumps. I don't know if it's right or not. They said it used to double the amount of people getting it every two days. Now it's doubling every 10 days. So we're fucking doing something right. Oh, no. I mean, shit's working. But, I mean, there's still been tons of people died.

I feel bad. How long before I can get the fuck out of the woods? Well, I'd say be able to come back to your trailer. I mean, any time, really, Ricky. I mean. You've been out there for what? Two weeks now? I don't know.

It feels like two months. The problem is Jacob, Ricky. He's got seven jobs, and he's still going to the mall, right? Yeah, you can't go fucking near him, man. Why would he decide to work at four different grocery stores? Well, he's deemed

an essential worker because he's uh he's got well three clerk jobs and he's a cleaner he took a cleaner job and he's delivery guy so you know he's he's an essential worker he's a hero don't get me wrong he's a hero six times over but you can't just head back the trailer That's the problem. Is it such thing as people being too stupid to get this virus? No. No, there's not. There's a lot of dum-dums getting it.

A lot of dum-dums that get it. How come some people don't get it? They're like the moon. Well, they get it. They just don't exhibit symptoms, Ricky. There's nobody that's a moon. Why is that, though? It's just just don't exhibit symptoms, Ricky. There's nobody that's immune. Why is that, though? It's just, they don't even know yet. They're researching it, but they don't know.

Some people get it and they don't have any symptoms. It doesn't affect them. I heard that it fucks up your bag if you're a dude. Is that true? It fucks up your bag? It fucks up your nuts? I don't know about that, Julian. I don't know. I'm just asking questions, man. People want to know this shit. I don't know. Why would it attack your bag? Your bag's not connected to your lungs.

Don't know, man. I'm just asking. I'm not... I'm just making sure, man. Do the bag and the lungs... Who wants their bag fucked up? So maybe it'll smirk at people out. Maybe. What do you mean? Maybe. I don't...

I got more worries than just my testicles getting a little bit... Fred-ed up. What about people? Some people have three testicles. Would it fuck them up worse than people with two? These are the big questions surrounding the coronavirus, in my opinion. Who has three nuts? Is that true?

Yeah, man. Some people have three balls. Some people have three balls. Some people have three nipples. Three nips. Does anybody have three balls and three nipples, Ricky? Yeah, people that have two cocks. I'm sure somebody out there does.

Do you think somebody's got two cocks, three balls, and three nipples? That would be a fucking... That'd be a weird one. You'd have a full deck then. What if he has three nipples, two cocks, two vaginas, and two anals? Well, you think if you had

two cocks, you'd probably have four balls. Maybe six. Imagine having six balls, pups. What would you do with one? If you had two cocks and then you were strange enough to be one of the

three ball people, you would probably end up with two cocks and six balls, which would be Jesus, you'd be Ricky, remember when you did that Get and Learn with Ricky episode? You tied all the decks together? And then you did what?

He tried to set a fuck you trap and he roped together about 30 fake cocks and rubbed them in butter and he was going to try to slap somebody in the face with him but he got himself yeah that's stuck i thought you said he tied a bunch of cocks together that were actually on humans which wouldn't count no no these were fake cocks all right that's not so bad so but with two cocks and six balls. Where did you get 35 cocks, man? I got them from your mom.

That's real nice, man. Junior set himself up for that one pretty good. So, if you were a guy or a girl going down on the person with two cocks and six balls, where would you begin? That's crazy. Jesus, man. You know what it'd be like? It'd be like sitting in a fucking cockpit of a

747 jet. All kinds of knobs and fucking things to grab onto. I don't know, but you'd have to fucking think about it, man. You'd have to get a game plan going for that. You think sitting there I can't

you know what I can't even relate to what you're talking about you're comparing that to sitting in the cockpit of a 747 I mean all of a sudden you see this chick she's got like four cocks a bunch of vaginas tons of nipples like where do you start? I mean,

there's no handbook. Some people would be in love with people before God's. I don't know. There's definitely not a handbook for that. Why? I guess basic instinct would just take over, I guess. What would you go for?

Jesus, Murphy, boys. Yeah, but Ricky, where would you start? Where would the instinct start? Would you, like, kind of move the cocks over and go crazy, or would you just, like, you know, feel around the cocks, do something there,

and then go in for the vaginas? The jinnies. Where would you start? That's what I'm saying. I would have to leave. I don't think I could do it, man. I'm pretty sure I couldn't. You're the one that just compared it to the cockpit of a 747

and you couldn't wait to grab onto everything. I didn't say I wanted to do something with the fuzz. You said... You said that's your life. Who gets fucking faced with this kind of dilemma? You said sitting in the cockpit of a 747 would be pure joy. And then you compared it to that. So that's basically saying you would. That's basically you saying you fucking sock and finger everything? I'm not twisting my fucking words around.

I'm just saying I was comparing to it. I'm not saying ooh, I can't wait to fucking jump in the cockpit of a fucking 747. That's a dream of mine. It's more of a dream of yours, boss. You heard him, didn't you, Ricky? I'm pretty sure that's what he said. Hmm.

Oh, just wait, boys. Here, let me see. You want to see another clip? Let's see if I got more clips. Yes, please. You want a feel-good clip, Ricky? Like a funny one?

Sure, man. Here, watch this. Just wait. Because right now, I think people need to laugh, man. Yeah, man. Make us laugh, pups. Watch this, Ricky. What the fuck? What?

Whoa! What the fuck are they doing, Bubs? What the fuck is that? Are they screwing? No, they're dancing. No, man, they're about to fuck. What'd you think of that, Ricky? I like that.

Little dancing. Were they ducks? I don't know. I just saw that and I thought it was fucking hilarious. Definitely weren't ducks. They looked like a fucking loon or something. Little dancing pelicans. Dancing pelicans. Dancing pelicans, dancing pelicans, dancing pelicans, dancing pelicans.

I think there might be a gas leak in here, boys. I wouldn't mind being a pelican. Why would you want to be a pelican? I just like the way they dive for fish. It's cool. Do you like fish? You don't even like fish, do you? I'd eat anything right now. Right, that's true too. You're eating stick. I just don't know how they can see the fish.

They can fly just over the water but their wings don't quite touch it but it looks like they should be touching it. And then they can just go up high and dive down without breaking their necks. Man, they're smart. They're good. I like them.

Lots of birds do that, man. A philosopher? Lots of birds do that. Swoop down to the fucking sky there. They got a fish. Oh, yeah? Yeah, man. Okay.

I don't think there's any bird better out there than a pelican. Offspray. All kinds of shit. Your mother. Oh, okay. Well I don't think there's any bird better out there than hawks. Hawks prey. All kinds of shit. Your mother. Oh man. I wouldn't mind being an eagle I guess or a hawk. That'd be cool too. They got big wings. Yeah I wouldn't mind being an elephant because they got big cocks. What are you saying that, Pups? Well, I wouldn't mind having a big elephant cock for a day.

What if you're a female elephant cock for a day, Pups? You ever seen a size elephant cock? It's like, it's massive, man. Oh, I know. What's the size of you? Oh, I know. I've seen, you know, I've seen your mother. What would you do with something that fucking huge?

Ask your mother. That was an easy one, old man. Yes, that was an easy one. That was an easy one. The only shitty part about being an animal would be, I don't know, there's no, there's oral. Is there any? There's what? There's no... It's oral. Is there any? There's what? There's no oral. Oh, man. Monkeys suck each other off all the time. Oh, do they?

Fuck yeah. They jerk each other off. They finger each other. They do everything, man. I didn't know that. Monkeys are for me. It's fucked. You know a lot about that stuff, huh? Well, it's just part of the movie business, man. You know that when they make a movie with a bunch of monkeys, I need someone to go in and, you know, kind of jack them to settle them down?

Didn't you work on that last movie, that monkey movie that was in town? No, I know where you're going with this, man. No, I've never jacked off a monkey, never will. What's your price? What's my what? Your price. Julian, you worked on that. I've never jacked off a monkey for anything, man.

You worked on the movie called Monkey Jacker. Here we go. I knew you'd start flapping your fucking lips about this. No, I would not touch a fucking monkey cock. Or any cock. Except for my own. Every person has a price.

Okay, what's your price then? Back off a little for five minutes. How much? A million? A hundred thousand? A thousand bucks? I don't know. I don't know enough about it. I mean, is it hard? Is it easy?

It's something you can block out afterwards. It's a cock. It's a monkey cock. You do the same thing to it that you do to yourself. As long as I knew I wouldn't have PSTD or whatever the fuck it is, then I would think about it for the right amount of money. It's a job. A job's a job.

Post-trauma, you're worried about that, jerking off a monkey? Right. Oh, boys. Every time. Every time we somehow end up talking about jacking off monkeys, I don't know how it happens.

Jack off one monkey, Ricky, you're forever going to be called a monkey jack. Okay, so... If it takes a thousand bucks to do that, then I guess that's your price. We could be... We could somehow be talking about

fucking, you know, what new cars are coming out, and it will end up in a conversation about monkey jacking yeah i don't know what's wrong with you guys what up do you have any other clips that might make me laugh bugs oh i think i do ricky here let me go Ricky. Here, let me see. Look at this guy. What's that?

He's got a frog on his arm. I will stop crying. Just a frog on your arm. Whoa, okay. She poked it and it jumped right in his mouth. That's a funny one, right? That was good. That was real funny, boss.

Oh, you know what, boys? Here, just one second. Just one second. Oh, here, Ricky. Yeah. I know something that you'll like. Watch this. Do you know who, um... Do you know who Banksy is? Ricky. Yeah. I know something that you'll like. Watch this.

Do you know who, um, do you know who Banksy is? Yeah, I think. Is he the, uh, is he a world leader or somewhere? Switzerland? No, the art guy. You know Banksy, the artist? Oh, is that the guy that did that fucking painting and then it shredded or something? It was worth more money?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that guy. Okay. Yeah, just wait. Well, he's in quarantine like everybody else. Yeah. Watch what he did here. Look at this.

Look, he painted rats all over his bathroom and he made them like doing stuff to his luck. Like, look at this guy. He's swinging from the light thing with his tail. Oh, man. That is cool. Look at this guy crashing the toothpaste. That's cool, man. He's good at stuff.

This guy's running on the toilet paper. At least he has toilet paper. Yeah, he shouldn't be wasting it, probably, now that I think about it. That's cool. He's really good at drawing stuff. Well, yeah, he's a world-famous artist, Ricky. He's very good at it. Was he a world-famous drug addict?

What? That's fucked up. That was kind of weird, man. I mean, it was good. But I like that. I wish i could do that to my bathroom but it would probably look pretty shitty well yeah stick fucking rats there ricky you can't draw fucking rats you can eat rats did you know that you want to tell me did you eat a rat since you've been out there no i haven't been able to catch one the little fuckers are fast apparently you can't eat porcupines are supposed to be pretty good rat since you've been out there? No, I haven't been able to catch one. The little fuckers are fast.

Apparently, you can't eat. Porcupines are supposed to be pretty good, too, from what I've been reading. Ricky, don't start eating porcupines. Don't fuck with a porcupine, man. It'll be covered in fucking holes. Yeah, they're kind of cute, too, so I don't know if I can kill one. Okay, boys, I think there might be a gas leak in the trailer here, Ricky. I'm getting really lightheaded, and I can almost taste like a propane-y kind of taste.

Well, don't do anything. Just let it blow. Don't light any candles or anything, Bob. Just air it the hose. Air out the trailer. Don't lift the doors from the windows. It's nice out today. Let's some air in. Yeah, I better air the fucker. Close the doors and windows. It's nice out today. That's some air.

Yeah, I better air the fucker. Send me the insurance money. No, I'm going to... I think I'm going to get out of here, Ricky. All right, let's just say... Everybody stay safe, stay inside. Do what we're doing. Don't be fucking dicks.

Right? That's right. Don't be fucking dicks Right? That's right Don't be Don't be a big bag Of buttered up dicks Be smart And Just drink

And smoke dope And be happy as you can Yes sir Yes sir Okay Well I'll talk to yous later boys Alright I love you guys okay see ya