Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - TPB in Quarantine - Episode 5

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Ricky and Julian have been going crazy in lockdown but TV studio engineer Bubbles is f**kin' on it! Bubbles has a Coronavirus kitty update, and Ricky ponders Tinder hookup advice from Dr. Fauci. Also: Is Jacob a super-intelligent alien who can build space ships? And can they sell him for $$$ to Elon Musk?

Boys, can you hear me? A lot of clear, Bubs. All right. We got her. We got her. How's everybody doing? All right. Still are.

We're out of my fucking mind. Doing the same thing every fucking day, Bubs. You are, are you? There you are. Look at you. Look at you with your big gorgeousness. Fuck off, Bubs. Here, where's Ricky at? There you are, Ricky at you. Look at you with your big gorgeousness. Fuck off, bubs. There, where's Ricky at?

There you are, Ricky. Right here, man. Yeah. There you are. I got us all. Hey, Julian, look what I did. I figured out how to work the... It's called the downstream care. So look where your drink's sitting. Oh, yeah, man. Right on the table, huh?

Sitting right on Ricky's table. I'm jealous. I'm getting better at this, boys. I'm telling you. I wish I could be rolling joints right on the table. That would be wicked. I'm going to apply for a job at the television station. Running the equipment.

Oh, fuck, man. If you've got a, yeah, like the news station. You should, man. If you got a... Yeah. Like the news... You should, man. You should. You're good at this shit. Really good. Not doing too bad, if you ask me. Not doing too shabby. Right on. So how are you doing, Bubbs? Are you fucking...

Are the cats okay? Everybody's alright? My cats are operating at 100%. They've all been COVID tested and they're all great. So can they get the cord? They can get it, yes, but I take their temperature. So I spend most of the day taking kitty temperatures. That's what I do.

I can't believe they can get it too, man. That's fucked. It is fucked. But what's going to happen when this is all over with and you're not around your cats like all fucking day and night, you know, doing their belly rubbing and shit? They're going to be fucked up, man. No, they're going to be just fucking fine.

Don't worry about it. I don't know. I don't know, man. You might have to take it to a cat psychologicalist. Yeah, exactly. My kitties are going to be just fine. We've been playing games and, you know, doing different stuff. I take them for walks around

the yard they're fine so i was just wondering as well i was i've been thinking about this because i've been thinking a lot lately but what's going to happen all these kids that are home now right and all they're doing is fucking playing video games or online chatting away and doing all that shit what's going to happen when things go back to normal? They're going to be fucked. Right? Well, yeah. I'd say they're going to be socially fucked. They're going to be socially fucked. They'll probably be smarter, though,

because school's teaching stupid, dumb shit. So, at least that's one good thing. Good point. Good point, Ricky. Yeah, they are, I guess. But socially, they're going to be... I mean, they're already socially fucked. All they do is talk on their goddamn phones anyway.

It's not really that much different for them. True. These are all fucking true things. But fuck, can you imagine, guys? I was thinking, remember back when we were like 19, 20? We were going to the bars all the time and meeting ladies and stuff. What the like going to the bars all the time and you know, meeting ladies and stuff. Like, what the fuck are you doing now? What the fuck are you, like, these

poor people that are, like, bringing their party years, right? They can't do fuck all. Well, Dr. Figozzi said that you can hook up on Tinder or something, but you just can't. It's definitely risky. Especially if you're an ass asymptomatic.

Who said that? Dr. Fagosi. Dr. Fagosi? Is that his fucking name? I don't know. He used to work for Trump. Dr. Fauci? Oh, is that how it is? Yes, it's like Fonzie, but with an A-U-C.

Dr. Fauci. He was the one saying that? He said you can hook up on Tinder, but it's fucking risky. I don't know. He said if you absolutely have to, you can do it. What the fuck are you talking about, man? Like that lead fucking health fucking surgeon dude in the United States was talking about Tinder?

Yeah, he was. No, he wasn't. He said you can do it, but he said it's fucking risky. Look it up on your smart box if you don't believe me. Pops, is he lying or is he... I don't know. I never heard fucking Dr. Fauci say that, but maybe Ricky did.

I don't know. Are you sure it wasn't like Dr. Phil or somebody like that? Dr. Phil? That's a stupid cocksucker that might have said that. No, it was Dr. Phil or somebody like that? Dr. Phil, that's a stupid cocksucker that might have said that. No, it was Dr. Figozzi. Figozzi. I don't think

his name is Figozzi, man. Or Feisty, or whatever the fuck his name is. Dr. Feisty. Yeah. Dr. Feisty. He is a crazy one. He gets all rang up, Dr. Feisty he is a crazy one he gets all rang up Dr. Feisty oh boys boys did you hear

what fucking happened what there's been these videos floating around about UFOs right now I've seen them they've been floating around for a while now but the Pentagon well there's there's videos ricky of these you know these fucking ufos that have been floating around and i mean i've

seen them but the fucking pentagon just confirmed that okay these are out there and they're real these are real videos that were taken by our people and they are fucking crazy do you want to see one ricky i don't know man now i'm scared shitless like so this this this is getting real real quick like are you think they're real or what oh they're definitely real man they're they're definitely they were definitely filmed by the u.s military and the panadome pentagon said yes these are Last military, and the Pentagon said, yes, these were shot. So here, I'll show you what it is, Ricky.

Let me just see if I can get to that. Okay, you ready? Here. So this is, I think if I have them queued up right, the first one, they're flying along, and they see this little thing down by the water shooting along, and he's trying to grab it with his lock on, you know, auto targeting thing. So you watch this. Missile lock?

Missile lock, yes. All right, brain, get prepared to get blown. Yeah, this is pretty cool. Okay, look, it zings through the frame a couple times. There, he caught it. Look. Look, it's that little thing in the center. What the hell is that?

What do you think, Ricky? I'm scared shitless right now. I don't know what that is, man. It's not a fish. Well, watch this one, Ricky. This one's even crazier. It's not a fish. My gosh.

They're all going against the wind. The wind's 120 knots to the west. What the hell? Look, it's fucking... Look at it turning. Yeah, that's crazy, man. That's crazy, man. Yeah, that's insane, bud.

What do you think of that, Ricky? I don't know what to think about that, man. Does that mean there's like really like alien things or is that just other countries with some shit we don't know what to think about that, man. Does that mean there's like really like alien things or is that just other countries with some shit we don't know about or what the hell is it? I believe that's fucking aliens, man. Alien

technology. Definitely not birds. No, it's not a bird, Ricky. They're up at 20 some thousand feet with going 140 fucking knots. It's not a bird. Jesus Christ, man.

Why did they release that right now? Just to scare the shit out of us? That last one there, the last one they just showed, that fucking thing's 40 feet long, shaped like a tic-tac, and it's just rotating in the sky. 40 feet long.

Boys, I've been thinking a lot about this. You know what's happening? I think there's been fucking tall, those white guys right aliens i think they've been here for a long fucking time and i think they're like checking out the scene going you know what i think it's time for us to come out and party with everybody you know what i mean it's time for us to be able to like you know drive around in a car or date or whatever and they're. This is just step number one, man. We're going to tell people around us. Next thing you know, they're going to be

all over the place going to school with us. I'm surprised they haven't come to see us because they must look at us and go, Jesus, look at these guys. These guys know how to party. They know how to smoke. That's what I'm saying. How do you know they're not already here? How do you know they're not already at our fucking schools?

Well, I know, but, okay, that's what I'm saying. Maybe someone, there's been a leak or something, and they're like, okay, let's fucking, we're going to announce, hey, this is fucking Terry. He's an alien. Say hi to the world, Terry. Well, this is what I've been saying about Jacob for years, boys. We don't know.

Don't know, man. Jacob could absolutely be fucking alien or at least part alien. I mean, his arms. Nobody has fucking arms that long and skinny. That's human. So that means my grandson's probably like part of an alien, too. Great. I would say, Mo, there's a good chance he's at least one eighth alien

well i've been thinking about that as well i mean mo mo's basically he's like fucking he's he's brilliant he's like the smartest kid i've ever seen in my life and i mean trinity she's really smart girl jacob dumb as fuck like where did that come from but is he is he dumb or is he pretending to be dumb and he's actually alien smart? That's another way of looking at it. See, he might be smart enough to go, you know what? Earthlings are dumb. I'll just act like I'm super dumb and they'll never suspect that I'm fucking super intelligent alien that can build spaceships.

Yeah. You don't know. I don't think so, man. He's a goddamn good actor if he is. I'll tell you that. Well, he's an alien, man. He's a goddamn good actor if he is. I'll tell you that. Well, he's an alien, man. That's like super fucking smart. So if I were you, Ricky, I might want to like chill out on the fucking abuse of the poor guy that you dish out to him every day.

Chill out on it, man. It's going to be hard, but I'll do what I can. Well, I'm just saying if we can still like be friendly with them and still friends and shit we might be able to make some fucking money off this guy like he might know how to fucking break in a ton of money who Jacob so nothing about you know holy fuck we've been hanging out with an alien for years

just immediately your brain is like oh fuck we can probably cash in on Jacob somehow who wouldn't pops who wouldn't tell Bubs? Who wouldn't? Tell me. Me. Me. I'd like to, you know, if I found out

he's an alien, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about fucking zero gravity propulsion. I don't care about making money off of him. Okay, why not have both? That's what I'm saying. He could be useful in many ways, Bob.

If you want to make money off zero gravity propulsion, there's serious money to be made, let me tell you. Elon Musk would fucking buy that off you for billions. If we can sell Jacob for billions, man,

it's happening. Big time. I have no problem Jacob for billions, man, it's happening. Big time. I have no problem selling my son of law, whatever. We can get some money for him. Let's sell the fucking prick. Boys, you wouldn't just sell him. You would just sell his knowledge. You know, we might have to enslave him, you know, tie him up and enslave him and, you know, to extract the information from him, but he might have a,

you know, a transmitter in his head and as soon as he's enslaved, he just sends out the signal and then in come the fucking cavalry and their next thing you know, we're all getting fucking anally probed. Well, that's why we have, we can't fucking, like, we can't

piss him off anymore, man. We should try to be friendlier to them you know what i mean well it's not a bad theory be nicer to jacob just in case he's a anal probe an alien they might be smart enough and they built spaceships and ship and maybe they're not smart enough to have made weapons so maybe we can still kick their ass if we have to ricky i mean they can build a fucking zero-gravity propulsion system that can travel at the speed of light, I'm sure they can figure out how to put a fucking rock in a sling

and zing it at you. But, Bob, what if these fucking creatures don't believe in hate? You know what I'm saying? Let's hope they don't. Let's fucking hope that's the case. They're just peaceful motherfuckers that just want to hang around with a bunch of, you know, humans and get drunk and high probably. Why can't we make money? Why do we have to have heat?

It sucks. Ricky, imagine if they've got some kind of fucking space weed that gets you a hundred times higher than normal weed. Now you're talking my lung language. That'd be wicked, man. Bunch of different edibles and stuff. Oh i could i could be like swap shop what if it's like a type of weed that you know it's like it could be a combination of like weed mushrooms acid and liquor all in one little pail you just eat it and you're 50 times as fucked up as you normally would be. Oh, man. I've got to try to invent something like that. That would be a good time.

It would be a great time. What if they got, like, any kinds of liquors? I don't know. I just can't see a fucking alien drinking booze. Oh, I can. I could see aliens getting all liquored up. Why wouldn't they? They could have really, you know, strong alien lecker

that's like 180 proof or something. Hmm. You never know. Tell me something, Bubs. Why? Tell me something.

Would you start dating like a hot alien looking chick? You know what I mean? Oh, if she was nice, I would. If she was nice,

nice lady and she liked kitties, I probably would. Okay, tell me this. Would you be nervous if she started coming on to you and wanted to do some banging? Well, I mean, Jesus, the first, you're going to have to know the anatomy first. That's what I'm saying. You know, maybe she doesn't have the parts. You know, the parts that fit together. Maybe she doesn't have those.. You know, the parts that fit together. Maybe she doesn't have those.

I think everything has the parts, doesn't it? That's how you have kids. Oh, not necessarily, Ricky. Aliens might not, you know, they might not have a, you know, a thing and a thing that fits together. They might just have two, you know, flat things that they put together like that. I'm sure you can figure it out when buzz when you say where they fit together is that the proper way of saying it two things fit together is that one yeah i mean one thing goes into the other thing but not necessarily with

aliens they might just do it with their minds do they might just look at each other and be like, oh, yeah. We're fucking doing it hardcore now, aren't we? What if the female alien had what human men have and the male aliens have what human females have? That'd be a clusterfuck, wouldn't it?

That might literally be called a clusterfuck. Could be. They'd be used to itfuck. Could be. They'd be used to it, man. Like, you just, like, Ricky. That's a pretty fucked question, man. But maybe that's where the term came from. Maybe they call it clusterfucking. Hey, you want a clusterfuck?

Where did that term come from? That's making me wonder now. Is it from an orgy? I would think. It's like, you know, there's just everybody's around trying to fucking stick it in everything and it's just a big clusterfuck.

Clusterfuck. See, I always thought clusterfuck was like negative. It's actually kind of a positive. Well, it's not supposed to be. I don't think so, is it? A clusterfuck, it means it's a disorganized mess. So it could be an orgy situation

all right it might not be a mess though so do you have anything to talk about it's not going to scare the shit out of me like aliens well yeah just wait i had another thing here that i saw this was uh oh yeah watch this stupid arsehole, Ricky. Watch this arsehole. He was having a fucking Zoom call with his people. And watch this, he's drunk. Commissioner Plaster, Commissioner Plaster, do you have any comments that you would like to make? Uh, yes, if I'm allowed to make them. Yes, this is the section where you can, Commissioner Plaster.

Okay, first I'd like to introduce my cat. You cock sucker! Jesus Christ, what the hell was that all about? Cock sucker! Did you see him throw that kitty? I'd like to get my hands on that dirty bastard. I'd fucking fling him a few feet how does that make you feel bubs it fucking pisses me off you can't be fucking throwing kitties like that how many years in jail should that guy get he should he should get life in prison maybe

life's a little extreme that's a little extreme bus well he should get community service for life. He should have to mow people's lawns and clean out the gutters for life. Fucking throwing kitties around. You can't throw kitties around. That kitty wasn't ready for that. I can see it in his eyes. He thought, oh, look, we're playing, and the next thing he's going 100 miles

an hour across the yard. Fucking asshole. I got a better thing. You know what they should do with people like that? They should put them in a big fucking potato sack, like a big burlap sack, and they should get a bunch of old mangly old fucking street kitties,

chuck them in the bag with them, and then kind of shake them up a bit. You know what I mean? Pull the fuck out of them. Why, kitty? So why not put them in a bag of snakes? Okay. Well, snakes then. Even better.

Okay. Snakes. Okay. If you crossed a snake with a cat, what would you have? If you crossed a snake with a cat, you would have a snack. A snake. A cake. You'd have cake. Poison cake poisonous cake or a snack you'd have a snack did you hear about that

fucking guy i don't know if it was in spain or in italy but this guy got fined and in trouble for taking his goddamn goldfish for a walk which i didn't even know you could do because i thought goldfish always had to be in water but it's not really fair the gold the goldfish needed exercise did he take the bowl for a walk or he took the fish for a walk oh shit I never thought about that I just assumed that you know he had him on a little fish leash and was walking him around but that makes more sense maybe he did take the bowl he probably took the ball for a walk. Because he wouldn't be walking the fish. He'd be dragging the fish. Right.

He'd be dragging them on a little piece of thread, dragging them on the pavement. He might have a little fish cart or something. Wheels. Just sits in it. Just drags around. What kind of a fucking main... Who would do that

You'd have to be fucked Rick Seriously Ricky you've taken You took Orangey for walks in the bowl Remember I took him for drives I don't remember taking him for walks

I don't really like to walk Well yeah you took him for drives I would say you know what He probably did take him in the bowl The more I think about it. That makes sense. Anyway, he shouldn't have gotten in trouble. The fish needed some fucking exercise.

Bullshit. Yeah, it is bullshit. Lots of exercise there, Rick. Did you guys get some of those free Chick McNuggets from Wendy's? I didn't get to take advantage of that, man. They're giving away free chicken McNuggets. Lots of people are going to 14 different Wendy's and getting shit tons of them.

You can freeze them. Fuck, you could have food for a couple months. What do you mean they're giving away free chicken McNuggets? That's what I heard on the fucking news anyway. Free chicken McNuggets, trying to help people out. Jesus. They probably weren't expecting people to totally fuck them over. I'd fucking, I'd go to Wendy's for some free nuggets.

Yeah, they're not the best nuggets I've ever had, but they're pretty fucking good. When you're hungry, they taste good. I'm fucking starving right now. I'd fucking love to fuck over some nuggets. I'd love to have some nuggets, man. Yeah, me too, boys. Me too. That food you sent Bubz is running out quick.

Thanks for all the little chips in the bars. Man, that was good. Mom, I got... Especially the dough. It was not easy. I had to put bigger blades on my drone just to lift that stuff, but I got it to you. Well, I'm going to need another shipment, man. Yeah, I'm going to need some stuff too, Bob's.

You're not getting fucking anything from me, bud. You're living in the lap of luxury. You can fucking... You can, you know, struggle a little bit. Yeah, I agree. Bob's, Bob's.

Do you ever see those fucking suit of armor guys? People have his decorations. Yeah. You've always wanted one. I've got one for you. Just give me some fucking supplies, please. You've got a what? A suit of armor here.

It's like on a stand. It's right by a fireplace. He's got a fucking sword and everything, man. If you want that shit, I can get it for you. Well, I wouldn't mind. I'll even spray it down disinfected. Huh? What the fuck would you want one of those for?

Because they're fucking cool, man. Or are they medieval shit? I don't know. I would take one, but I'm not... You're not tricking me into, you know, giving you a bunch of shit, and then all of a sudden I don't get my fucking suit of armor.

No, you'll get it. I'll put it out in the fucking... You can come by, man. I'll just put it out in the road. I'll spray it down, everything. I'll fucking spray you down. Spray your mama down. No.

If there's any way you can get me some mushrooms or something, Bob, that'd be good. I don't know. I just need something stronger, man. Breed's okay and the hatch's okay, but I need something stronger. I'm losing my goddamn mind. Can't you find mushrooms out in the woods where you are?

Yeah, but I don't know if I can eat them or not. Some with red dots on them. You know if I can eat those? Those are supposed to be the crazy ones, aren't they? Those are the ones from Finland. Well, they could be. They could be the ones that kill you. Because there's certain ones you're not supposed to eat, man. Oh, yeah, no. Don't just be, you know,

you're right. Don't be eating random mushrooms on the fucking floor of the forest. I know. I ate these red berries the other day. I thought they were red currant berries, and they weren't. I got sick as fuck. So much for eating berries.

Hopefully the blueberries will be out soon. I'll have a little feast and some strawberries. Better days ahead. Yeah. Berry days ahead. That was a fucking great joke, Julian. That's something you would say, Bob. That's why I fucking said it. All right, well, I've got to do some shit.

Look, I forgot about this one. Look, there's me and you side by side. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Awesome, man. I feel left out. Yeah. All right. Well, oh, just wait, Julian.

I got this picture you sent me. What was that all about? This here. What's this? Oh, there's people down in Florida making fucking masks out of fucking alligator skins. Snake skins. What the fuck is that? Alligator skins, man.

That's fucking terrible. That's terrible. Yeah, it is. That's weird. Why would you want to breathe in that weird shit? I don't know, man. We're supposed to get our song going, Bubs, but we'll have to do it next time, I guess.

Oh, fuck. I forgot all about that. It is coming along. By next time, it should be really good. All right, boys. I got to go take a whiz. I got to go. All right. A whiz? Okay, Bob.

A whiz or a jizz? Say goodbye the proper way. Goodbye, everybody. Cheers. Hope you're doing okay. Ricky. All right, everybody. Till next time.

Stay fucking safe. Keep this curvy fucking thing flatly. Fuck off, I guess. I don't know. All right, boys. I'll call you later. Maybe we could watch a movie. Maybe we could

watch a movie on Zoom later. All right. That'd be cool, I guess. I'm going to get my jammies on either way. Love you guys. Go fuck yourselves. Love you guys. Fuck you, Julian.

Fucking Lapa Luxury. Dick.