Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Andrew Santino Was a Teenage Dirtbag

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: Athletic Greens - Go to https://athleticgreens.com/tuesday to get a free 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchaseLiquid Death - Go to https://liquiddeath.com/trash to get free shipping on their crazy limited-edition merch and apparelZocDoc - Go to https://zocdoc.com/trash and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours More Andrew SantinoSpecial Taping in Denver: https://www.andrewsantino.comBad Friends Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/BadFriendsWhiskey Ginger Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/AndrewSantinoWhiskeyGingerInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 Andrew Santino is From Near North Side Chicago5:16 Esther Asks Andrew Santino if There Are Awkward Vibes With Khalyla 6:59 Our Teenage Dirtbag Photos18:19 Guys Who Like Dogs Have BDE & Cat Feces Makes You Hallucinate 20:35 Ugly Words For Privates24:00 Andrew Santino’s Strict Upbringing28:37 Fighting With Our Parents as an Adult35:12 Cheap Rent & Being Broke When We First Moved to Los Angeles40:42 Receptionists & Secretaries 43:58 Andrew Santino Predicts Esther Will Be Extremely Obese In 20 Years47:12 It’s Exhausting to Be In Really Good Shape50:13 Straight Men Preferring the Company of Men54:55 Andrew Santino Gobbles a Banana & the Benefits of Bananas1:01:55 Andrew Santino Hates Crispy Rice With Spicy Tuna & White People Sushi1:06:20 Andrew Santino Weighs in on the Ick Factor1:11:39 Finding the Right Moves in the Bedroom1:26:22 Fear of Cockroaches and Spiders1:28:55 What Kind of Donut Are We? Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera Editor: Andres Rosende

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Go to ZocDoc.com slash trash and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then start your search for a top rated doctor today and many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash trash. ZocDoc.com slash trash. Hi slugs. I am coming on the road in september i'll be in austin and then i'm coming to phoenix uh portland and seattle get tickets at esther on ice.com and my new podcast my solo podcast just launched and you can find that everywhere you listen to stuff it's called esther pavitsky my pleasure so today's guest is from the south side of Chicago.

No, that's not true. The west side? That's not true. The east side? Yeah, I'm from the east side of Chicago. Wait, there is no... I'm from the lake. The lake, yeah.

There is no east side. I'm from about 35 miles in the middle of Lake Michigan. But you said no to south... I'm from the near north side. Wait, I... But you're from the near north side wait but you're from the north side dude you're from like where the quote unquote do are we allowed to say jews jews yeah can we say that on this podcast yes you're from where those people are from is what we call it the jews went north north i'm like still low north you're not as far up as them yeah because you weren't you

guys didn't have any money no right but isn't where isn't skokie where like the holocaust museum is yeah so skokie was the original jew spot but then all the jews got money and they moved to like the nicer places and they left you guys behind yeah and they left the museum there yeah they did dude that's so funny like leave it in the poor neighborhood we're not gonna we don't want to buy us the property taxes are lower in skokie where i'm from because we have the really nice mall so maybe that's why the holocaust museum is there because there's low property taxes very jewish stuff yeah but so you're from north the near north side actually oh okay when i was a kid i was raised downtown okay it's so funny on my wikipedia somebody picked up i talked about my mom and i lived in section eight for a little while which is subsidized housing yeah but then they made it sound like

i grew up in subsidized housing it was there were nice apartments we just that's so funny my sister my mom lived in section eight in chicago too and it was a really nice there were nice apartments it's just you have to help poor single mothers out so she needed the help but it would they make it sound on wikipedia if you read it it's a it like, it's like I grew up in Cabrini green. They make it sound like it's like, no, no, no. We were, we were, we were fine, but no, no, no. We, we grew up in subsidized cause my mom was a single mom. Look at that. It's right there. Section eight housing. Wait, do you know the address? Was it 1111 North Dearborn? Oh my God. You lived where my sister, my mom lived.

Are you serious? Yes. 1111 North Dearborn. You literally grew up in the same lived where my sister and my mom lived. Are you serious? Yes, 1111 North Dearborn. You literally grew up in the same building where my sister and mom lived. Well, my mom was supposedly like a single ho, by the way. By the way, all women that live in those apartments are hoes. Is that the criteria to get approved? That's single ho status over there. It's like cokehead finance guys and single hoes. I don't know what it is these days, but-

That's great. They talk a lot about how that was a really nice building no it was i mean i mean they're all everything in that area in the gold coast is like it's nice it's all i mean i don't know what they look like now they probably are all the same maybe we are more similar than i thought what if we're related oh my god we're cousins cousins hi cousin you know people call each other cousin that creeps me out like on on The Bear. The Bear. The show The Bear?

I haven't yet. He refers to his cousin by the, he calls him cousin. And I just, it drives me nuts. What, like Cousin Andrew? No, he just says cousin. They call each other cousin. And I love the show. That's a very like island thing too.

Cous. Yeah, hey, Cous. Hey, Cous, bruh. Gonna go surf today, bruh? Cous? Yeah, they call each other cousin. Jeremy Allen White. I don't know the other actor's name, but the show isuh. Gonna go surf today, bruh? Cuz? Yeah, they call each other cousins. Jeremy Allen White. I don't know the other actor's name, but the show is great.

Maddie is in it, right? Yeah, I think he EP'd it or something. I think Maddie's got something to do with the production of it. Well, you know, we call Maddie Big Esther on this show. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? You guys are the same size, about? Now, is it?

Is there like awkward vibes here because it's like why like that's like your co-host's ex who carlos who are we talking about me yeah he's my co-host no i'm so are you saying is it weird because of her and bobby yeah only if you want do you want it to be weird yes obviously no no it's not gonna be we connected uh we connected probably differently than most of bobby's friends would have connected with her because we talked real human life shit right do you know what i'm saying by that well you're also a guy that can talk to women like have real conversation. Yep. Well, we had some moments that genuinely bonded us a lot.

I mean, look. Like difficult life moments. Yes, yes. Where we would have to call each other every day for a week and process stuff. So it's just more grounded. So that's not awkward at all. I mean, our relationship probably will never change. Yeah.

But also you are so fun to party with. I'm a fun little party boy. What are you guys talking about? None of your business and you're not invited when we do. Can you imagine though, if we do party together, do you think you'd even show up? Like what would the chances if we said, hey, text Esther that you'll never come? Honestly though, you guys i would because i like both of you and it neither of you are annoying and so i would go to that but be

honest though how quickly are you going to leave what's the time frame oh yeah it'll be like a i'll in my head when i'm on my way i'll be like only an hour i'm just gonna keep baiting you in like esther 10 more minutes i swear we'll make out 10 more minutes and i swear we'll make out okay also by the way santino you posted your teenage dirtbag photos did you see my comment no what on tiktok yeah i don't i don't really run anything on there i just put it up wait i want to know what does it say well i look so ugly you want to talk about an uggo literally when he was a teenager hotter than i expected no no yeah i want to see it you see it right now somebody from tiktok reached out and was like you got to post some of your photos look at that who am i little gangster boy go i like that one goatee guy expected

look at that that's my high school pause that if Pause that if you can. That's my senior picture. Look at the frosted bangs. Go for it, kiddo. And my mother made me shave because in high school, I had facial hair since I was 14. I started growing. So that like with me with the goatee was me at, that's probably 16 or 17 right there. And then I almost always had facial hair. And then my mother would make me shave for photos.

That was when we were in London. That was us at Madame Tussauds you want to talk about white trash you go overseas to go to Madame Tussauds I have been to the Madame Tussauds in London that's so trash why and why and of course I wanted a picture of me fighting Hitler and my mom took that photo you know what that was before I even knew you and that's why

I knew at some point in my life you saved me. I saved you, and I heard them there. Where are your teenage dirtbag photos? Yeah, what's up? Where are your little nasty photos? They're like, I didn't post them. I don't know.

Honestly, sometimes I look at my teen photos, and I'm like, I look too good. Like, it's too good for the internet. Okay. Do you have teen photos? I was talking to Lisa Traeger, she was like I remember Esther as the girl who had gorgeous long hair who refused to ever put it on a ponytail but one day she had a crush

on a boy who was in theater or something like that and ever since then you would wear it up in like this bun and she always remembered you as being a tiny little siren an attemptress she was in the class where I met And she always remembered you as being a tiny little siren. Oh my God, Lisa. She was in the class where I met my,

and fell in love with my high school boyfriend who has now blocked me on all. Wait, really? Yeah, yeah. I drive by his house. I don't know. I'm just like really obsessed with him. He dumped me my senior year and I like can't get,

I'm not over it. What do you think it was? What do you think triggered him to dump you? Because can tell you what do you think seriously it was that ended the relationship i was mentally ill oh well then he should then you know what then shame on him i know that's what illness is real we have to uh was he uh let me get well he wasn't jewish he was like me he was half right because he's not and it's yeah let's we'll beep it out okay what's his last name beep it out what beep it out yeah beep it out don't you say beep it out do you say bleep oh do i say beep i say beep it wait it's cute it's embarrassing oh yeah beep it

out beep it is both cute and embarrassing beep it out beep it out i have a very important question were you time out real fast were you a hot guy in high school no real fast though the tone is what when you when you blank out

a cuss word on an album or a song what's the tone of the sound what is it it's beep it's beep isn't it

it's not it doesn't go bleep but it also doesn't really go beep it goes boop oh it's boop yeah boop

yeah we should say boop. So boop that out. Okay. What was I in high school? I was not hot. No. I mean, look at my high school for that last one. I had big ears.

I was tall and skinny. So that was attractive to girls maybe. Did you get girls? Like, were you a hot guy at your school? No, no, no, no. There were some hot. We had some hot guys, dude. Chicago has hot guys.

I'm trying to think of Brad. I shouldn't say his last name anyway. Soccer guys were the hottest guys at our school. Soccer guys. Yeah, you know why? Small chest, big butt, bigger dicks. Big dicks. Oh my God.

We had a kid named Kyle, boop out his, I can't say his last name. Kyle was known as the elephant. He had a big old fucking dick. Everybody knew it. Everyone has that one guy. For us at Blair High School high school it was had a thumper huh i mean just like not even like it was like an appendage it really looked like an extra octopus arm but see look i think that i was very much um on my way to what i thought was becoming a young gay teenager. Look at all the naked women on my wall. No, I used to get high with this girl.

I know who this girl is. I used to get high with her. Kalilah, you had naked women too? I 100% know this girl. Everywhere. I used to get Playboy magazines. I never shoved them under my bed. I used to display them in my room. Did every high school have a big dickhead? Because now I'm realizing I was left out of that conversation at my high school. Well, the dick

was the size of you, so they were afraid it was going to threaten your existence. It was probably bigger than your whole body. Look at my whale tail. Whoa, that's sexy. That is sexy. That's literally in style right now. Wait, what is that shirt? What brand of shirt was that?

Probably something that cost $4.99 at the Pasadena Mall. But the whale tail was the headline here. That was the move back then yeah and my my belly button ring and i had my eyebrow pierced my tongue pierced oh my god the tongue pierced girl boy do i love her you remember that girl i always wanted to be the tongue do i have any chance no chance i'm just it's just not your personality i don't think so either you could still pierce your tongue today and be and look normal you did it, honestly, I'd be so bummed out. Make you sad?

Well, I just think you'd be like too into Molly or something. I'm like, Esther's changing in a weird, bad way. Yeah. She's getting into psychedelics and it's creepy. She's going to a lot of raves. It's sad. It'd be sad at our age. Oh, fuck, really?

We're older, dude. Okay. But I feel like you could just, I think there's a way in. For Esther? Yeah, we just. I just don't. I think your personality is so, your style and your personality, it works. It's done.

You did it. Okay, okay. You can't change it. I think you're done. Okay. I think it's because it's very clear what you are. Yes. You have a it's very clear what you are. Yes. You have a very, very clear brand.

Okay. No, you are. Like the hot chick. Which is a good thing. It's not the hot chick. No? It's your brand. The beach babe?

Your brand is like the chill, sweet cutie. But unassumingly hot. Chill, sweet cutie. What the fuck, Carlos? Don't what me. She's not a chill, sweet... Well, you guys' relationship is toxic. That's your problem. Oh, wait, wait. I have a question. Is Esther chill with everyone else?

She's chill with me. But maybe it's because she knows better than to not be chill with me. Kalilah, you pretty much use your athletic greens every day. Every single day. And when I'm not at home, I take the packets with me. This is how I start my day. This is an indispensable part of my day. I love the way it tastes. I use my little matcha stirrer. I put a little scoop in cold water and it's so good. And I feel so, so generally good about myself. I have to and it's so good and i feel so so generally good about myself i have to say it's

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Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Oh, the rush of dopamine that gives me if that's how that really works. And it's 90 degrees outside. It's been such a warm week here in LA. And I swear to you guys, nothing quenches my thirst quite like this beautiful green tall boy. Drinking water out of a can has actually made me a better human and i don't i can't scientifically prove it but i feel it what's more important than feelings why is it called liquid death because it's death to plastic aster that's right and 10 of the profits from every can sold are donated to help kill plastic pollution and by the way you guys this is usually what you see, this white tall boy,

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Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Statement mobile for details. Actually, on my way over here, I had a topic to bring up, which was Carlos has BDE from his time working at the dog rescue.

Oh, wow. What is that? What do you mean BDE? Wait, I think this is minorly abusive, by the way. What's BDE? Just big dick energy. He has soccer boy energy. No, no, he does,ly abusive, by the way. What's BDE? Just big dick energy. He has soccer boy energy. No, no, he does, but he has a nice cock.

He used to work at a dog rescue, and he's really good with dogs, and I think that's very BDE. Yeah, also people that love dogs, I think, have secure cocks. Even dudes who love cocks. Oh, my God, he's gagged after. Dudes who love cocks. I didn't know if I wanted to say cocks. Oh my God, you gagged after. Dude, you love cocks. I didn't know if I wanted to say

cocks or cats, but I think dudes who like cats, even bigger dicks. Even bigger dicks that guys like cats. Yeah, because guys who like cats

are secure. They are not like yearning for attention. They just know they're okay with getting it whenever the cat needs you. Mark Maron.

I was just going to say Mark Maron, but then there's got to be, but then there's sad cat guy so sad dog guy doesn't exist but sad cat guy definitely exists there's a fine line yeah i think sad dog guy is a thing no because there's the the sad cat guy will eventually have 19 cats yeah that's a very very sad and sad dog and dog guy who had 19 dogs fun guy yeah what does he have a rescue at his house yeah that's a very very sad and sad dog and dog guy who had 19 dogs fun guy what does he have a rescue at his house now he's a fucking old guy yeah that guy's the shit have you guys ever heard of this artist named louis wayne no i think that's his name well over

time he grew like a he initially had one cat and it turns out that there is something in the feces of the cat that alters your brain chemistry. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And over time, he kept hoarding cats, hoarding cats. He became crazier and crazier. And then his art started to become even wilder and wilder over time. So at first, he was just drawing like a basic cat. And then it turned into these like psychedelic cats. Because the cat.

So in cat fecal matter, swear to god this is real i do know what you're talking about toxoplasmosis yes steve has mentioned this too so it literally does change the chemistry in your brain right so that's why they say pregnant women should not be around the litter because toxoplasmogondi i think it's the will you say cock again that's all she really wants say cock again please That's all she really wants. Say cock again, please. What's the ugliest word a male genitalia can be referred to? It's probably the Filipino word for it.

What is it? Otin. Otin. Ugh. With an N, Otin. Ugh, Otin. That does not sound good. We're not making up ones like duty stick or anything?

Duty stick? Doody stick. That's an anal dick always? Why is it called a doody stick? Because you said the worst thing it could be, and I'm like, poop, and it's a stick? What do you think? Well, I mean, that one probably takes the cake. No, I just think, like, I'm talking about in referential terms of, like, penis, cock,

schlong, dick. Hog. Wiener, hog. What do you think is the most gross of those? Because, right, what's the worst name for a vagina, do you think? Oh. What bothers you the most? Pee-pee-hole. Pee-pee-hole?

The pee-pee-hole is not even the vagina. I know. That's why it's a bad one. Oh, yeah. You're right. Like pussy, cooch, gash. Cooch is fine. What about gash?

Gash is pretty bad. Gash is bad. You do not dare. Hey, I'm not referring to your gash. I'm just saying gash is a pussy, cooch, gash, slit. A slit's okay. A slit's kind of nice. Also an Asian slur, I think.

Yeah, it is. It is. But can you say that to an Asian girl about her vagina? A slit slit? I'm licking your slit, you slit. Dirty little slit. What's the worst word then? What bothers you the most? I see

minge on there. I love minge. Minge is so great. It's a UK word. You like minge? Minge is so good. That doesn't sound cute. That sounds like it could be a dog's name. It sounds like gringe. And gringe is close to grinch for you gringe is just like dirty how about fanny i like fanny fanny's classy i think lady bits that's not real bits yeah lady bits really i've never heard that before uh foo-foo oh that's what esther wants hers to be yeah foo-foo or muff muff is kind of tight what's the one but blow

that one up blow it what does that say jean a beaver oh yeah beaver beaver none of the girls i used to babysit would call it tootie and so if it was hurting they'd say ouchy tootie but tootie sounds like a fart yeah that's the wrong side oh we're we're all very different. Beep and boop, you know? You and Bob. You really think 2D is... Yeah. No. You never had an ouchy 2D? Mm-mm. No.

My dad would make a say at the table if we wanted to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom. Of course. We'd have to make a formal announcement. It was, may I pick some flowers? May I pick some flowers? Yeah. And that is a way of saying i gotta go shit you were never allowed to say i gotta go number two i gotta go poo nothing it's may i pick some flowers is that is anyone else flagging that as child abuse that is so weird he was also 90 000 years old yeah he was like he was a monk they had to pray before they shit for like an hour and a half.

What did you say when you had to excuse yourself? Did you not have to do that? No. You were allowed to just get up. Did you not do formal dinners? No. I was raised with no manners, no rules. I see that.

Yes. Yes. The more I know you, the more I know. You were raised with a lot of manners. You were raised with like a- Yeah, but they all went out the window. Yeah, I know, but that's why they go out the window. Yeah. Because it's like embedded in that like did you guys sit at the same spot at dinner every single every time yeah we did that oh you did have were you in a

strict household no i mean i was just i was such a bad kid that like i was kind of uncontrollable it was like my dad was militant because his dad was a military guy so our house was so clean it was disgusting go look at my car it's it'll make you throw up there's nothing inside of it oh you're so you're like american psycho gross yeah it's gross okay i had the opposite effect where everything was kept so clean that i'm like a crazy slob now but i think it's because i wasn't like trained to do it i was it was beat into me because my dad was always like it uh it cost money you didn't pay for it so if you fuck it up you will have to pay for it she says like if i got something as a gift it was like you have to respect this otherwise you don't get stuff like this anymore so like in my mind i was like i can't fuck up anything so when i started to buy my own shit i still had that like well i better keep this nice because i bought it and otherwise i don't

even know the universe will yell at me for being dirty it's really creepy kind of awesome though and do you like that or not no i fucking hate it dude you do i can't have like a shirt on a chair in a living room it'll fuck me up i have to God, I really want to see you live with Bobby just for one week. No, I would kill myself. I would literally kill myself. Just one week, please. No, dude, I am so, like sometimes I am, I like get scared of how annoying I am with, I have to leave.

I'll be late. Let's say I'm late to come to here. If there was a couple of dishes, I was like, I just got to knock that out. It's nuts. I'm a fucking, it's gross it's sad my mom too but that's because my dad beat that shit into me it stunk i hate it was like why are their shoes by the door you're like i just came home i got beat it got beaten to me too but i it didn't keep it didn't keep no they don't hit you hard enough dude I'm just shocked that- You got hit. More than that. I had to kneel on rock salt.

What? Yeah, it's like- You don't know that about me? Ew, that's so mean. Yeah, so there's this Filipino torture tactic where you make kids kneel on rock salt and it wasn't like the Trader Joe's Himalayan salt. Not the nice shit.

No, it's like giant- Stones. Stones. Oh, no. And then over time time in two hours, eventually it would, you know, develop a wound and that salt would seep into the wound. Oh my God. So it was,

yeah, it's. So not chill. Not chill, no, no, no. But. What, that's nuts. We didn't have any torture. I mean, my dad would hit us for sure. I mean, me, not my sister, but like I would get hit. You didn't have names for the types of tortures that would be committed like we had one called

stomach belt and it was pretty soft it's pretty soft let me guess what happened yeah yeah stomach belt but you would have to lay down you couldn't just take it standing no you couldn't even you have to lay on the bed um and expose your stomach oh my god and you would just have to lay on the bed and expose your stomach. Oh my God, no. And you would just have to take it. Which is kind of better because if you block it with your hand, then your hands get whipped and it's even more painful. I remember that. So you just have to, like really good core workout. Oh yeah, that's why you're in good shape.

Yeah. My dad would hit this thing. This, I got that a lot. I would get cracked on the fucking head. I don't like head stuff. It hurt me so much. I hated it. And then I learned that when I flinched, it was worse.

So it was like, just take it like a fucking man and stand there because you fucked up. I always fucked up, by the way. I was a bad kid. It wasn't- You have to check their hits. It's just like in UFC or in MMA. You cannot like- Don't flinch.

You got to check it. You got to go forward into it. Take that fucking hit, dude. I will say that my dad used to do this thing where he'd go like this and he'd like- Whoa. In your throat? Yeah.

I was gonna say for a second as a Jew, this whole, I was like, what is that? What is your dad doing? Roleplaying as a Nazi in his own house? He was like, on my neck all the time. And I think literally Dave, Carlos, and Benji have all picked up on it. If they go like this, I go like this.

And they're like, why did you think I was going to hit you? He would hit your neck? Yeah. Your throat. I think that's the worst. Yeah, that's way worse than rock solid. Belt stomach doesn't sound as bad as that. That's worse than stomach belt.

Yeah, I'll pick belt stomach any day. You need your throat to swallow and speak. Yeah, no, it was, I still do this. Were you argumentative with your dad? I think so, yeah. Is that what this is? Is like a shut up thing? Like him saying, be quiet?

Yeah. Now as an adult, because he still does it. It's more just like to scare me. Do you want me to fight your dad? I'll fight your dad. He's 79. Oh, okay. Like I'm scared of a 79.

Beat the shit out of that guy i thought there was a time when i was scarier than my dad and that flip was very weird like is there a time when your mom because like my sister and my mom always i mean it was like constant yeah constant mother-daughter shit like always fighting and me and my dad always fighting and then there was a day when i like bigger than my dad and it was almost like oh i'm i'm scared i'm scarier than you are i'm stronger than you and then my mom was saying like when my sister like grew up it was almost like two women fighting instead of mother-daughter do you know what i mean and it was weird to like watch it happen like do you guys remember that happening when you're like, I'm an adult.

I'm fighting with them as an adult, not as their child. We did. My mom did it in a very formal way. Like we wrestled. What? Yeah. I was maybe 23 at this point. And my mom is somebody who has a hyper focus on achievement and um human physical aesthetics like you she

like has a six-pack she has yeah she's jacked she works out every day jesus and but at that point i was just coming off of you know college i was still pretty like yoked and she'd beat me my whole life and there was a point where i looked at her and she'd always always compared she always thought she was stronger than me and I think one day we were at my sister's apartment and I was like fine let's wrestle and we wrestled and it ended with her head going through a window because she like tried to do a takedown and I just like dipped to the side and she lunged straight into a window and she cut herself on the forehead. Did you feel bad? I did feel bad because it wasn't even anything I did to like hurt her.

She hurt herself. Yeah. And at that point I was like, okay, like. We're leveled. Yeah, we're leveled now. My equivalent to that, which I wonder if you guys have had this experience, but it's more like that I'm older and smart now. So it's like sometimes I actually know better and I don't like life stuff. Yeah.

Do you have that? No. Well, I mean, I argue with my parents a lot, like my dad and I get in a lot of arguments, but the arguments are always fundamental. It's not opinion. I mean, it's only opinion based. There's no fact to it. So it's like our politics are always fundamental. It's not opinion. I mean, it's only opinion-based. There's no fact to it. So it's like our politics are very different.

So it goes nowhere. We argue for no, it's like, we'll never stop arguing and nobody wins. Everybody loses. So like, even if I'm like, I'm right about this. I'm not to him. It'll never, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, of course.

We never, so I'm trying to think. I know what you're saying a little bit, but but with us it's always a fight of your belief system so i never it's never like i'm smarter i'm more right it's always like we just are fundamentally very different people i'm like pretty big into reading reviews well especially if it involves your health how hard is it oh i was just thinking like if i was gonna get fries at a place or not but no yeah this is what we're talking about yeah you go you go go you say it well for me at least like when i've had to look at look for a doctor um let's say for for instance, two weeks ago, we both needed an ENT, an ear, nose, and throat doctor.

Usually, I just rely on word of mouth. What if my friends don't have a reference or a good recommendation for an ENT doctor? Now, you can go on ZocDoc where you can search for doctors specific to their specialty, and you can read

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lot of younger hips hipster people whatever in chicago yeah and our family friend she says at dinner she's like one of my mom's friends and she's like you know that's that's the lesbian jewel that's the lesbian jewel and i was like what do you what do you mean the lesbian jewel jewel is a grocery store in chicago jewel osco not anymore i think they're gone right yeah she was like that's the lesbian jewel and i was cracking up eating i was like what do you mean the lesbian jewel she's like it's exclusively for lesbians and i was like that's not true there's no grocery store just for lesbians there should be yeah there should and by the way we're starting it today and she goes she goes yeah i mean you. And I was like, how can you tell?

And now I'm being, now I'm being an ass. Like now I'm trying to, and she's like, well, they all, you know, they all have very short hair and they dress like boys. And I was like, I don't know if that's a tell. And she goes, really? Do you know a lot of regular women that have short hair dress like boys? And I was like, what do you mean regular? I was just baiting her the more.

But by the way, I did go. That was the lesbian jewel. There was no doubt about it. Everyone was just eating each other's pussies. It was insane. Like on the belt to where your groceries go on that movie, it was just woman after woman. It was nuts.

The lesbian jewel. God bless jewel. God bless jewel, by the way. They're gone. They died. I know. What is it called? Marianos took over. I do like Marianos. They're incredible. Yeah. the lesbian jewel god bless jewel god bless jewel by the way they're gone they died i know what is it called marianos took over i i do like marianas they're incredible yeah what was your kid grocery

store what was like the the good one in the philippines yeah no no here when you were here um what's the sexy one marianos is like the sexy we were not we didn't have a lot of money so we were you know fucking broke bitch you know what i mean i'm real section eight yeah you are we're fake section yeah i mean i remember when i first came here the rent that i mean the check that my dad wrote out for um rent every month was three hundred dollars and it was a one bedroom cockroach infested maybe like 300 square foot oh my god little like thing and yeah. $300? Yeah.

What was your first rent when you moved to LA? I remember mine to the number. Yeah. $428. $950 in a studio with Tony Hinchcliffe. Wait,

you paid $950? That's a lot. What year did you move here? I moved in 2009. What about you? 06, 07 was when I, 06 I moved to Long Beach.

I slept on a lazy boy for a while that's right yeah i lived in long beach for a really long time we had a connection we never even knew and then i slept on a lazy boy then when i made it up to la i lived with a bunch of ucla grad students and it was 428 i lived in a dining room when did you what year did you start doing like open mics oh seven about okay like about oh seven yeah but i lived in a fucking dining room that that the previous owner had just built like it was an old you remember how old houses in la they all had sectioned off every room was its own thing yeah so the dining room was kind of walled off

they just built two door uh what do you call those um the in in the wall doors you know the farmhouse doors yeah whatever those are um pocket doors they built two two pocket doors and so that was my bedroom a dining room my fucking ceiling light was a chandelier so 428 dollars got me by and and we shared one bathroom four dudes one bathroom it was a fucking nightmare but 428 bucks i was like i can do that i can do it i can find 400 a month and i did somehow i mean i remember there was a couple of nights that I had panic attacks because I was scared I was never not going to be able to afford it. And my parents were never like the send me. I never got money from my parents. Never once.

I felt like when I- Did you? No, I didn't. I never did. Never once. I feel like my parents would say that they did because I've said that before and they've been like, no, we helped you with like an oil change. But I worked like three or four jobs and my most sustainable rent

was when I was splitting a studio with a woman and it was like 500 a month. And I was like, I remember feeling once I've gotten to that situation, I was like, I can pay this. Yeah, you can afford it. Like I can do open mics and I can like babysit. By the way helping with an oil change that doesn't count i mean like i had friends that their parents would just send them like three grand yeah and i was like what the fuck that was

never even an option for me like my dad had died i had my mom who was working like a minimum wage job like what other option did we have than to make sure we always had a job right where there was always some type of way to like hustle on the side and do whatever you needed did you guys have desperate moments like i i sold plasma i stole groceries i sold plasma that was a big one what's plasma oh yeah you could you used to be able to sell it right i don't think you can anymore right i think you can't do it there's probably now they're probably like oh that's bad that we let you guys do that for years but i would sell plasma in Arizona.

I did it. What is it? No, it looks like you can. You still can? Yeah. I know my friend did in California. I did it. I made money.

Yeah, because it's more money then. Oh, it's way more money. Yeah. I did at one point do the nude modeling for art students because I had read in Madonna's biography that she did it. That's such an Esther thing to do. Not even for the money. It's because Madonna did it. it yeah but it was good money but um yeah no i you didn't do it no i did it you did yeah and sometimes i wonder what are we talking like csun or something where

was it it was actually i did that in college it was in champaign illinois where i did it are you went to u of i yeah for two and a half years smarty smarty over here no i got in through the dance program oh that's fake yeah that's gross i probably owe albertson's uh give or take three thousand dollars worth of groceries see i disagree they're a big box store fuck them okay fuck them you they owe you yeah i think at some point if the community is hurt and people are that poor grocery stores should be supplemented in a way where they're like you know and look this is food stamps right but they should be able to go i think some of these

people get some of the stuff on the house yeah and just look at the self-checkout lines weren't as you know great as they were as they are now and you could just get blocks of cheese steal it and just yeah take it with you and then i remember my sister and i because we didn't have a car um this is before they freaking magnetized the shopping carts we would just take the whole shopping cart home yeah because it was just too heavy all the things we had just stolen the blocks of cheese you know and they also learned that teenagers would take those and then ride in them and crash them. You know what I mean?

Fun pastime. We used to do that all the time. Me too. It was so fun. When I moved here, now I'm realizing I think that me quitting school and moving here was sort of a reaction to watching both my parents lose their jobs in the recession. Because I was like, what am I doing? What am I working towards if my parents could just lose their job at any moment? I think that is like why I quit school and moved here. But that's also why like I knew that getting money

from them like was not a option. What did they both lost their job in was 08? Yeah. Wow, what did they do? My dad worked in sales and my mom was a receptionist. She's a receptionist now. I think she was also a receptionist she's still she's a receptionist now i think she was also a receptionist then too office manager thank you we don't call it that really is that true i don't think they say receptionist anymore i think it's like a it's like anything you can't yeah every

term has a more um uh it's a less mean word yeah you know like you know we you know obviously you can't say like steward and stewardess you have to say what is bad about receptionist uh i think there might it just sounds diminutive maybe really okay and honestly i kind of agree in a weird way it sounds like you're just a phone person like can people still be called secretaries no that one's that one definitely no no they say really no they say um executive. So yeah, executive assistant. That's what their name is now. But you could still be like secretary of state.

That's different. That's true. That is true. You can be the secretary of state. Not the same thing, but yes, that is true. Carlos, will you be my secretary? No. I think that might be what you are though.

Well, you do sexually abuse him. Executive assistant is like what i thought you basically no never mind no i'm gonna say the n-word and get this cut cut cut andre's n-word bobby shop there i'm gonna say the n-word i get a cut no i don't i don't think i think the terms are people are sensitive about certain terms but i do get when if you work as an assistant to somebody look my dad when he he was a say he worked in sales the woman that worked with him worked with him but was technically a secretary but dude she did so much so i think at some point people

realize it's like it sounds diminutive to be like oh you're just my little phone person okay but it's more they're more But they do a lot of shit. So you're like, you know, I think they're more important than the word. For some reason, the word doesn't like sound like you're important. So they have to like move it around. But I think it's what people made of that word.

Correct. Because the word itself is a really formal word. Yeah. There's a lot of hard consonants there. Secretary. Secretary. secretary yeah but it also sounds uh boring like when i say secretary the woman you think of in your head right now and woman that's another that's another thing i mainly go to woman but when you say when you say secretary what does she look like go well i think of mad men yeah same exactly that's what i mean so i think

they want to i think the idea is to break away from all that. Yeah, rebrand. Yeah. Like I always think glasses, short bob hair, and very overweight. Okay. Right away. That's the image I have in my head. I think quite the opposite. You think of 1950s. Yeah, glamorous. Hot, sexy, leggy.

No, I like a fat secretary. Give me a porker, dude. I want someone who's eating all day. Nine to five, she's eating nonstop. She's got a big gulp on her fucking desk. I'm like who's eating all day. Nine to five, she's eating nonstop. She's got a big gulp on her fucking desk. I'm like, let's do this. You want to be my secretary?

And she's got the thing on the phone that you can rest on your fucking shoulder. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's an attachment to the phone. She has that. She has a picture of all of her kids on there, but they're not her kids. They're just like kids from the neighborhood that she feeds you want to be my fat secretary yes everything you're describing i'm like that's that there is an energy there that i'm drawn to like why is that

like you can't you can't get fat what are you talking i don't think it's a part of your i don't think you would let yourself get fat well that's also because i have disordered that's what i'm saying from my mom but you could get fat the fact that that's where this was going you could get fat i could see you getting so fucking fat like i could see me like you know see running into you 20 years down the road somewhere and i'm like fucking esther and you're in one of those like you know motorized carts and you're like oh my god the obesity scooter and dave is fucking jacked as shit he's in the best shape he's ever been somehow i think that this is your like dream your dream ending yes and then i

could even have my own show on like a 600 pound that's what you really want esther if you can hook me up with a signature from doctor now uh-huh it would be a dream you saw i had him do um you know who this is don't you no oh my god he's the doctor from six my 600 pound life he's like you're too fat you need to lose all the weight did you get it um yeah i got a cameo doctor i did so so for my tour dates i i cameoed him and i was like and i just wrote hey will you say andrew santino's on tour i put it on my instagram and he was like he's like come see andrew do comedy for for october four to five dude it's so great and then half of the people that got it i loved because then i know who my audience is because i think this guy's the funny he's mean he is so mean and wonderful if you don't lose like you will die and it looks like you will die I mean he's just like it's way down there

I don't know how far it is you'll see keep going maybe it's um oh I want to see he'll pop up it's his face do you know there he is there he is yes oh yes oh cutie pie. Oh, forget about it. He's like, come see Andra Santino for the... Dude, it's wonderful. And by the way, same day cameo. I got to give him a shout out, dude. Same day cameo was fucking... Because most of the time you book a cameo and they'll get back to you in a couple of days,

maybe by the weekend. Same day. I'm so jealous. I might just get myself a cameo just to keep for myself what a cutie pie too look at this little cute face i feel like he could really motivate me to do what i need to do well here's what i'll say about um andrew's predictions of your um fat years okay we're still on that? We're not getting off of it. My friend Asa, her dream ending to her life, because, you know, she's a very well-known porn star. Yeah, Shakira.

And she is also, she's always felt the pressure of looking a certain way, you know, eating a certain way and she's always said i want to be in a feeder relationship where someone just really gets a kick out of just constantly feeding me feeding me feeding me and i just want to be this like massive thing is that your little wet train but the people say that hot girls say that all the time i think she means it okay she spent her whole life being skinny and hot she's probably exhausted yeah it's exhausting yeah you know if you ever talk to someone that's in like a really really good shape like yes they're they're miserable as well there are a lot of tiktoks now of men with like obviously very amazing physique who are like i fucking hate my life i hate having to keep this up it's exhausting it sucks the food is bland like

it's just i would much rather be normal same i would much rather be normal like my body's fine i'm okay with it it's not impressive it's not sad just let me eat fucking burgers when i feel like it girls what do you think of these pigs i think and well it's different for andrew because he's over 5 10 so he can have some weight on him. Yeah. I look better with a little bit of weight. Yeah. If I'm too skinny, 6'1 is weird with.

Yeah. 5'7 isn't. You got to be like. You got to be fit. An actor. Yeah, that's right. Look, you know, Emile Hirsch style. Are you struggling?

Are you miserable? Are you okay? Are you hungry a lot? I am hungry a lot, but I like it. I want to look like this I don't like want to feel weighed down. Okay, but look at the difference. What does Kate Ma say? Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Yeah, nothing tastes as good as how being thin feels. There's just no way That's true. Andrew's happier than us. He's like married and working. Yeah, but you know, no, I'm not happier because of the body stuff

I just that's just the thing I've succumbed to going, I'm going to do, this is my life. I don't care anymore. I think if you also get an age and you're like, fucking leave me alone. I don't. But you're also super fit. No, I'm fit, but I'm also like,

I still don't, I don't ever, I don't want a six pack. I don't care about all the other. I just want to stay healthy. You're not suffering for your life. I just want to be healthy. That not suffering I just want to be healthy that's all yeah no

but like look at the difference like have a stone face a still face look at Carlos' still face right and then look at Pete's still face Pete's a happy boy he's a little

he's my little thicky thicky boy and he's happy and Carlos is sad he has the life yes goes out all the time well he's married to a mega babe

yeah he spares himself no expense on life he likes to live the time well he's married to a mega babe yeah he he spares himself no expense on life he likes to live the way he wants to live and like he's happy you you're sad boy yeah and you want food buddy drinking at work oh my god carlos you know what you mean it's saturday damn it saturday he has no idea i've realized that pete you're actually more my type like i like thick and sweet i mean i mean not in like a i'm just saying as a generally i'm i'm into thick and sweet yeah pizza fuck because pete is a protector let me tell you something somebody tries to steal the beads off your neck in an alleyway like they did to batman's parents

pete's gonna beat the shit out of them. Isn't that right, Pete? But what's Carlos gonna do? That's fucking right. That's fucking right. See, see, see, see, when he F-bombs, you know it's serious. What's Carlos gonna do? Please, please.

Take him, take him. We'll get more, bitch. So true, dude, that's great. We'll get more, bitch bitch or you're like shoot her that's so funny there's a topic that i want to esther and i have been going back and forth about which is men prefer the company of men always yes and that it just so happens that their dick points in the woman's direction but if that weren't the case you would actually rather live with a man oh my god yeah that's not even oh my god yeah

so you agree 100 i would much rather live with a guy my buddy of mine yeah oh my god those are some of the best years of my life like i didn't like having roommates, but I loved living with a buddy. Like, I love the idea of waking up and seeing someone in the living room smoking, getting high, and I get to go sit and just get high with them. Also, it was a different time in my life, but fuck yeah, dude. Dudes are way easier to live with. But you're choosing to be married to a woman because... Because society tells me so. I don't want to. Thank you.

No, because I can't fuck dudes. I just say, hey, I cannot. That's a personal choice. You know, I just, I couldn't fuck one of my buddies, but I could live with them for sure. Why is it then that we are subjecting ourselves to these long-term relationships and live in, you know, cohabitating with someone we don't necessarily i couldn't agree with you more i would rather me and another married friend i met i'd rather me and him live together and then our wives live i want to do that too i would 100

want to do that i think the wives would like that too yes of course they would it's there's the the the reason that i think most relationships go to shit at some point, especially long term, is because once you live with someone long enough, it becomes difficult to love them the way you did when you didn't see them all the time. You see all of them. You see every part of them. You smell their shit. You see the way they walk, the way they sit, the way they eat. The fantasy is gone. And appointment fucking is gone like you remember when you used to call who you were dating and they're like do you want to come over later and you're like yeah and you get excited on the drive

to go fuck because you're like dude we're gonna fuck it's amazing like the drive is whimsical like it's a good song is on if the night feels right but now you're like you want to fuck you know it's kind of like a right we have we have we better do something tonight because we haven't fucked an x amount of time right and we're watching a movie and yeah oh my god should i move out from days yes because he's he's very similar to you he's always like i loved the best time of his life was living with his friends of course yeah and he always always will be like, of course I wish I was gay. I would love to have sex with my best friend. I just, none of my friends, that's not my perspective.

I'm saying it wrong. It's basically what you said. I would love to live with my friends and then go fuck the woman I love. That would be amazing. But society is like, you have to live together. Well, society is basically you have to live together well society is under the the you know assumption that men and women will have will raise the family together

so you need both mom and dad and okay but before the kids are there right then why do we do it why do we do it and by the way why can't we raise the kids as a community that's gonna be a whole thing too please my dream my dream scenario is a compound with six houses sort of close by with a common courtyard and all of my friends raising kids together this is not a cult all of my friends raising kids together but not necessarily me living with my partner especially let's assume like with bobby say for instance one of our biggest biggest like points of contention is really the way he lives and has no regard for um how sloppy or what a slob he is right and i i i receive that as like a form of disrespect where it's like how can you have me clean up after you all fucking day long right so

it's like if you eliminate that and we don't live together and we it's almost like a preservation of this love yeah that we have and i don't need to see what a fucking slob you are we could just like fucking hang out you're dating forever basically it's like your date yeah no you get to keep the only problem with that theory is with the people living in the thing maybe this isn't an issue but you know what what starts happening is that everyone's going to be fucking everybody but then also and if you're cool with it you're cool with it but you know i might be cool with it that everyone will start fucking everybody oh without always proximity dude proximity fucking i dated uh so one of my ex boyfriends um was in kind of that commune was raised in a

commune like that and everyone was you have yeah it probably even this dude well carlos is the only one are you trying to feed the dog bananas men eat hot dogs yes um When men eat hot dog, what? Oh. Oh, when men eat hot dogs. You're making a great gay guy. That was pretty far back. I know how to suck a dick. When men eat hot dogs, there's always a guy recording.

That's such like a bro thing on TikTok or on Instagram. You'll see a guy like, he'll look around, he'll like eat a hot dog by himself. And someone goes, gulp. And he means he's like, fuck. And he just throws the hot dog away. But no, I'm not afraid. Did you see that guy who used, what do you call it when you use a hot dog, or you turn a hot dog into a straw?

A straw? I love that shit so much. Have you seen this? No. Oh my God. There was a guy, they had a picture of, video of a guy at the Yankee game. It's all over the internet now. He took a straw, poked a hole through the hot dog, and then put the hot dog in his beer

and drank the beer through the hot dog. That's cool. And would take little bites. It was so fucking cool. Look at that. Sucking back a fucking Miller Lite with an old wiener. Do we know anything about why he did it? Well, there's a video of him actually puncturing the hot dog with the straw.

Wait, is he Asian? Because this would make me so proud. Can I tell you something? My gut says yes. Yeah. Let's see the video, though. You can go to the video. I think they show his face. I kind of think he is. Can I tell you something? My gut says yes. Yeah. Let's see the video, though. You can go to the video. I think they show his face.

I feel like this kind of innovation can only be- Look, look. Zoom in on the first picture there. You can kind of see. You better believe me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is. Congratulations to us.

God bless. Our new hero has emerged. These people know what they're doing. Well, the thing about it is they're just efficient. Imagine the combo of just like hints of hot dog and beer. That's kind of like- So good. French fries and a milkshake. Oh, french fries and. That's kind of like French fries in the milkshake.

French fries in the milkshake. Did you cheeseburger in the milkshake? I've never. That was my mom's thing. When I, so once in a while, if I had like a good day and I was a good little boy, she would take me to a little diner around the corner in River North. And I would, we'd get chocolate milkshakes and their cheeseburgers were small. Like back when cheeseburgers were actually like an okay size now every cheeseburger is fucking a pound of meat but it was a tiny little cheeseburger and she would break it in half

and we'd each dunk it in the milkshake and eat it and that was like one of the happiest i fucking loved that shit i have a question huh i'm really perturbed by the way you're eating your banana why you have been beat your whole life even the way you hold the banana in such a formal way and the way you eat it it's like

you know when they tell you how you're supposed to drink your soup or it's like the spoon comes to you you don't come to this that's how he's doing it well I sucked the dick

of it to start so I did want to to be fair I really forget how much I like bananas I never buy them they are great I never buy them you need them but when you go to the grocery store I did want to eat bananas. To be fair, I really forget how much I like bananas. I never buy them. They are great.

I never buy them. You need them. But when you go to the grocery store, do you buy bananas? Every day. Yes, bananas are my life. We don't do that. No. No.

That's a jungle thing. Whites don't do that. Whites don't do that? I mean, bananas are a thing that we buy because we think we might get banana bread out of it. Oh my God.

There's a full panic in the house. That's why whites buy bananas. If there isn't a banana, my God. There's a full panic in the house. That's why I like to buy bananas. If there isn't a banana or if there isn't a, what do you call them? A bundle? A bushel? A bushel? No, it can't be a bushel. No, it's not a bushel.

It's a bunch. A bunch. It's a bunch. A bouquet. A bunch. It's a bunch of bananas. A bunch of bananas. If there isn't a bunch of bananas.

A hand. It's called a hand of bananas. If there isn't a hand of bananas in the household, there's a full-blown panic in our house. Why? What do you use it for? Potassium. Yeah. Straight up. But also it's a great antacid. So anytime you're feeling some type of like- That I know. My mom used to say that. GI, like kick up or like you have like heartburn. It's such a good feeling to just take a banana down the hatch. My mom would give me a banana and Sprite if I was ever feeling, because the sugar, the carbonation, and the banana would always settle my stomach a little bit. It tastes so good, though, bananas are really good. What did your parents give you

when you guys felt sick? Crackers, a little bit of anything carbonated. Saltines. Yeah, saltine crackers. And I think that's it. Probably a good beating. Get better better we'd have my mom a little bit of whiskey really a little bit of whiskey just a little bit of whiskey what the fuck a little bit just a very small amount that's not carlos is nodding it's not a that's normal yeah in the 80s they would rub it on the gums yeah but i mean when we were kids we could have a little bit because it would it would it act as like you know it was a numbing agent a little bit. It calmed you down or something? Well, it does. I mean, inherently, when it gets in your bloodstream, especially when you're when you're so not used to alcohol, it does really have great effect.

I mean, now I'm an addict, but, you know, they fucked me up. But that and then I would have my mom would make cinnamon toast. I love cinnamon toast. Oh, so good. I love cinnamon. It would like it was my fucking I almost wanted to be sick because i would she would make it just because you still love it now i do i actually love you know what's so funny though is now we're at that age where you're like how much bread am i allowed to eat this week i know that's annoying to say but like

i used to eat bread every day of my life right every day of my life as a kid and now i'm like i should eat a little less fucking bread i I know. So I relegate what day, I know, you know, we all know you can't eat as well. You probably can't. No, I tried.

I just saw your brain being like sandwiches, sandwiches, but I just know that eating sandwiches is not a thing I can do anymore. More than once a week as a grown man. Cause I feel like shit. Yeah. Uncle Polly's. I fucking love uncle Polly's so much.

It's so, I mean like, trust me, dude, I want to eat sandwiches every day. but i just know i'm like this isn't like breakfast is my favorite meal i want a breakfast sandwich every fucking day so do i for the rest of my life i want to wake up if somebody said you can't have other meals i'd go fine just give me a fucking breakfast sandwich if i'm not allowed to eat anything ever again later in the day just let me have a big fuck off croissant fried egg bacon this conversation is like are you getting horny yes literally what triggered well for me um i've um i have come to terms with the fact that i will never give up rice it's not possible possible. Oh, yeah. No.

So good. Impossible. But like also white rice for breakfast with eggs, longanisa, or like, you know, I can never give that up. So I have to give up the breads or the heavy breads and the pastas. The other carbs. Yeah. Because it's like, look, let's be real.

Rice is my number one. I'm going to eat rice twice a day. Yeah. See, well, okay, I'm pasta over rice, but that's how you grew up. You ate rice with everything. I cannot not eat rice. See, I couldn okay, I'm pasta over rice, but that's how you grew up. You ate rice with everything. I cannot not eat rice. See, I couldn't give up pasta. If somebody was like, it's got to go away, I'd be like, mm-mm.

I like it so fucking much. That's my dirty meal, and I'll eat it until I'm sad. What carb could you do away with for the rest of your life? Yeah, honestly, I could fuck off bread like i could i could i could i know it stinks but i could do it it would suck but to have rice i would get rid of bread yeah right isn't that that's kind of the bread's kind of the weakest of all of them god rice is so good yeah fried rice what are we talking shrimp fried rice honestly just like sushi with white rice a rice bowl with anything in it anything mochi is rice yes so i cannot give up i'm gonna

say something controversial and i really don't care um it's all the jews fault no no i know the uh uh crispy rice with um tuna on it or whatever fuck off what please hold on please say that to bobby's face i hate it dude it's trash you guys talked about this no i've never said no please say it's his face on bad friends because it's bullshit how so it's write that down it's bullshit it's bullshit it's the first taste first of all the crispy rice is is not ever almost never done the right way that i want it it's either too fucking crispy or shitty and sticky. And the spicy tuna up there, it's the shittiest tuna they have.

They mash it and put fucking other shit in it to make it preserved. Here's where you're not wrong. You're not wrong in the sense that oftentimes it's not done right. But when they do get it right. Yeah, but it's rare. My point is that every place makes it

and most places I go to, I'm like, this is shit. Right, right. And everyone at the table always wants it. Everyone goes, should we get crispy rice, the spicy tuna? It's like, no, because it's a fucking waste. I'd rather have tuna belly. I'd much rather have toro. I'd much rather have a cut of better fish than mashed, refrigerated, three-day-old shit tuna you put on your burnt rice.

Correct. That's my problem. Unless you go to a dope place that makes it well, but I just feel like a lot of LA places pump it out for whites. And because I know you get it. Here's what the whites love too. They love eel sauce on everything. On everything.

I'm fucking pouring on everything. Why? Why? Because they don't, a lot of whites don't really like sushi. Newsflash. That's me. Most whites don't actually like sushi.

They think they, they think they like the culture of it. Yes. They don't like it. They always opt for That's me. Most whites don't actually like sushi. They think they like the culture of it. Yes. They don't like it. They always opt for the rolls instead of just the... But most of the time, the rolls are bullshit. They'll get rolls that are bullshit rolls. And they just cover it all up in eels. Yeah, and shit. I just like rice and sugar. And I think I'm... Yeah. Yeah, you're one of those. You're one of those whites. You don't want real good fish. No. Nah, see, that's the thing.

I don't need it. That's why the most time, when I go out with people, you can tell right away by how people order sushi if they actually like sushi. Wait, okay, what would I do if I wanted to pretend I was- Let me get your order real fast. Ready? Edamame, first you're eating it every time. Yeah.

Yeah. Crispy rice, right? 100%. Then you're probably gonna do like a crispy onion thing, whatever that is. Albacore with crispy onions. Yeah, you loser. And then you're definitely getting it. Yeah, you're getting a California roll.

That's 100% what you go for. For sure. That's your order. That's your order. Big crab hand roll. Right. Imitation crab, by the way. Sure.

For sure. It's fake. I do love a good imitation crab. I do. But also, again, I want real fish and shit when I eat seafood. What are you ordering if you're like Mr. Cool? He's going to get coral belly. He's going to get not the regular mackerel.

He's going to get some Spanish mackerel. He's probably going to get uni. Love uni. He's probably going to get monkfish. Love monkfish. He's going to get tamago. You're hitting all home runs here. I am, right?

That's so good. Honestly, I want fish. I don't want to go there and eat accoutrement. I don't, that's what the whites do. And the first time I started eating sushi, I ate with non-whites. And then you learn you don't eat the white one. The white version is bad.

The white version is bad. Sushi whites is bad. Yes. It's basically what ruined good sushi is too much white shit in i am pure middle america white eater like when my dad discovered sushi it's so fucking funny he like he was like have you ever had edamame and i was like yeah i've had edamame i swear to god my dad calls it endomami endomami yeah like they don't know how to say it and he was like it's frozen in the freezer you can put

in a microwave you have edamame at home. And I was like, yeah, that's great. Cook up some edamame. When my dad gets sushi, it has to be the most diluted, deep fried, sauce ridden. Whatever's on the menu that's covered up, the fish barely exists. Yes. He's like, give me those. And then you get to still feel like, oh, I'm into other cultures.

Oh, I'm a sushi guy. Yeah, yeah. I'm a hot girl. Like, sushi. No, we need to take you to get some fucking real ass sushi where would we go well i mean um there's a million places yeah you know what i like you know what i like sometimes i like gin pachi do you know gin pachi in west hollywood santa monica it's good it's a ripoff but it's really fucking good swartzen and i like to go that's's a little sneaky spot. It's only got like five tables, but they're legit. I love calling things a ripoff.

Oh, it's a ripoff. I respect that a lot. There are a couple in Little Tokyo that aren't ripoffs, and they only have 10 seats, and they are incredible. The bomb. Yeah. I actually have to clarify something from last week's episode where we're talking about the ick factor.

Do you know what that is? Yeah, something gives you the ick. Yeah. It creeps and grosses you out. Men aren't allowed have the ick or they can they think they can and they do but it's actually they're only just talking about a turnoff girls solely have sole ownership of the ick okay then what would it be for guys i'm not going to disagree with you because i kind of know exactly what you're saying but for men it's like we have the um what would that be for men like with women i know what the ick is. I know what you mean.

It's like. It's an irreversible. I will like a like a repulsion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so Jules asked me, do I ever get the ick after being with Dave for 10 years? And I said, yes. And obviously, I always forget that Dave listens to this. And so he asked.

He does? Yeah. What a psycho. Are you OK, Dave? What are you doing? He has to like keep up with what's new with me this way. But I... There's no communication in your house.

But so I had said, yes, I do get the ick. And Dave was like, Dave was so concerned that my ick for him was his face. And I'm like, Dave, no. And so he wanted me to clarify, which I did tell him it's his driving. His driving really gives me the ick. Pretty minimalistic ick factor, honestly. That's pretty small on the scale.

But that's the ick. I broke up with a guy because of how he reacted to a cockroach landing on his shirt. Oh, he freaked out. He acted like a bitch. Not only did he act like a bitch but it was the bartender we were we went into this bar in mexico and it was an empty there was no patrons inside and he was wearing a a sheer white shirt kind of like you know those white shirts

that aren't very thick and i could see that a cockroach had gone into his shirt right and instead and i just like ran away i was there was a cockroach had gone into his shirt. Oh, that's amazing. And instead, and I just like ran away. I was like, there's a cockroach in your shirt. And I like ran the opposite direction. But from the distance, I could see that the bartender hopped over the bar and was like trying to like smack his body because he couldn't smack it himself. Because he didn't want to. He did this thing. He was just like, ooh, like this.

After that, I went home and I'm like, this is, we got back from vacation. And, but the whole time I was like, I can't fuck him tonight. I can never fuck him ever again. But that's the it. It's something so dumb. But I'm like, this cannot be my life partner. I get that. Is it for women that it's like, oh, you just instantly told my brain, like, I can't fuck

you because you won't protect our children. Yeah. It's probably primal. But some women describe like some of the icks that women have talked about. It's like when a dude jumps in the water and he plugs his nose. I couldn't agree with you.

I couldn't agree. Yes. Also, by the way, and this is very personal, and I know there's a lot of people that will call bullshit, but the way that people react when bees are around them is huge for me. If you're this person, when a bee is around you, I don't trust you at all. I think you're a fucking bitch and you're this person oh when a bee is around you i don't trust you at all as i

think you're a fucking bitch and you're a pussy it's insane you stink shut up leave it it does it's not going to hurt you it exists and it will not sting you like it'll be near you as a person who has orange hair the amount of bees that have landed on me thinking I'm a flower, it's fucking remarkable. Trust me, it's not going to hurt you. You're a human flower. I am a flower. I'm a big walking flower. But bees, when I learned, I got stung when I was a kid.

We were playing in the backyard. And I remember, I remember I got stung like on my neck. I didn't even see it happen. You know what I mean? Like I knew it happened. I was like, holy fuck. And then I thought, oh, that's not that bad. Because all those years until you get stung,

you're like, I don't want to get stung by a fucking, when you're a kid, you're like, stung by a bee, it's probably going to end my life. Yes. Then you get stung and you're like, that's okay. Well, that's because we all watched My Girl. I know, and it killed them. Oh my God.

I've had the same. Spoiler alert. Like, I am such a scared, can handle nothing person. And both times where I've been stung, I didn't even know I was stung. Yeah. It was just such a, someone was like,

I think you got stung. If there is a bee near you, this is how you react. Turn your head away until it goes away. That's all you do. Just go like this until it goes away. But the more you... That's me.

Or I see someone at a restaurant and they'll go, ah, ah. And they'll do that thing. I'm like'm like oh god i hope it stings you right on the fucking face some people are like that with birds and it boggles my mind it's a fucking bird when a bird flies by and somebody goes oh like it's it's not doing anything to you especially if it's like a small bird like it has hollow bones now if it was like a vulture or a condor that's another story but i'm like that tiny thing has hollow bones it has hollow bones it has hollow bones now if it was like a vulture or a condor that's another story but i'm like that tiny thing has hollow bones it has hollow bones it has hollow bones you pussy do i have hollow

bones you bet you do you little bird you are such a bird if this room was birds you would be a little tiny hollow bird like a little uh what are they what are they called no no little um a hummingbird no no no that's way too pretty no they'd be uh uh no wait what are they called no no little um a hummingbird no no no no that's way too pretty no wait what are they called they're like something with an f it's it's like a meek little tiny a finch yeah you're a finch finches are so good i mean what's his name had an obsession with finches that's how he got his whole theory on evolution yeah that's uh that's uh uh what the fuck darwin darwin love finches you're a little finch look at you that's, that's, what the fuck? Darwin. Darwin loved finches. You're a little finch. Look at you.

That's you. You are 100% a finch. Oh, I see it. I see it. Right. Yeah, it's cute. Oh, that's me and Dave. Kissing.

Dave is not a finch. I'm sorry to break it to you. He's definitely not a finch. Okay, so what is the equivalent of an ick for a guy? Just a turn off then? I think ick for, I know what you mean

by women having icks. Something that's irreversible and where you're like, oof, I wish he hadn't dunked that. Now I can't get my mind off of it. For guys, it's like, I don't know. It's like a, just sometimes, all right, this is, one time I dated someone who was so like overt when we were having sex about her noises.

She was like, it was like over the top. Like it was like she was acting for a camera and she did it all the time, which I thought sometimes if we were drunk, I'm like, yeah, you're drinking. You're fucking overexerting. But like my dick is normal. I don't have this like big thumper cock. I have a nice regular cock. So when she was like, oh my God.

And I was like, oh, shut the fuck up. Like in my head, it started to turn me off so much that one time we were hooking up and I looked in the mirror you know the fucking closet mirrors you know yeah and i caught a reflection of myself fucking and to myself i went like this i went i rolled my eyes and that was it that literally that i like i was so bothered by how like overt and fake it was that honestly i was like i don't want to sleep with you anymore was there and the sex was so good was there ever a possibility of like having a conversation about it no because you know what that does it absolutely ruins her sexual ego i mean it you you ruin if you say to

somebody look dude in a marriage or in a long-term relationship you got to go through sexual conversations that's different when you're dating, that's so hard to be like, and casually dating, by the way. Yeah, what's the point even? Yeah, you're like, we just won't fuck anymore. And that's the end of it. What would I say to her?

I mean, here's two options, right? You're too loud? Either she was really, really into it and that's just the truth she was feeling. Or... It was nuts. Or, you know, I've been there. was nuts or you know i've i've been there i've you know for a long time was programmed to think my body was just um not to prioritize my

pleasure but to prioritize his um mental his mind right state and how he feels about his ego so i would prioritize his ego over the way i felt and that involved you know like louder sounds than i should have but i learned very quickly that number one, exhausting. Number two, why do I give a fuck about making this dude feel good? Right. His dick is inside your body. Yeah. That's enough.

Yeah. That's enough. You just can't be silent. The other side of the spectrum is scary. Oh, really? Because if you're just laying there like, that that's some creepy shit what is the correct level that it's it's honestly i think the best honesty yes it's the best the sexual emotion that works the best is you not holding back so never hold back if you feel like you want to say something

say it say all of it moan all of it if you need it out, but don't turn it on. You don't, everybody knows when you're like, oh yeah. Everybody knows that nobody's instinct is to be like, oh fuck yeah. It's like what you, it's learned. It's like a porn learned. Yeah, it is learned. But what is normal is like, oh yeah. Oh, that was.

Like small. That was not. Was that your little. I was just breathing out. Do your cum grunt. That's yours. Oh no, yeah. Oh, that was small. That was not. Was that your little? I was just breathing out. Do your cum grunt. That's yours. Oh, no, Dave. I have to say that I learned the hard way.

What is your cum grunt? What's your cum grunt? I don't have one. I don't. I'm not loud. When you cum, you're not loud? No, but I wanted, I learned to be very quiet during sex because one time I said to a guy, you're so hot while we were having sex and he did not respond. Oh, no.

And that was very traumatizing. What did you want him to say? You're hot too? That's weird. Really? Yeah, but it's just because words and sex are fake. Yeah. Oh, but I meant it.

I know, but when a guy is fucking you and he's like, God, you're so fucking hot you you don't go like thank you it's there's no response that would be weird if he said thank you yeah these aren't call and response you when you when it's fuck talk it's just exists it's almost like it goes to the ether and disappears right okay so i think that you're looking for a response every time i just think if you're a girl and you say to a guy you're hot what and you're having sex he should probably compliment you wait hang on one second if a guy would be like fuck it so you're so fucking hot that's different and then what would you say i wouldn't say anything well because i'm the girl oh this is disgusting we're breaking these gender norms dude cut it out because what are you a gen xer what's going on

this goes back to what we were texting about that a woman's like the way a woman gets turned on is by feeling desired and the way a man gets turned on is maybe this right yeah so there's you were there wait a minute a woman's oh so a woman okay so basically in order for a woman there we were all having sex in order for me to want to have sex with you i have to feel like i want to have sex with me uh you're right right it's a very narcissistic it's not narcissistic that's not the correct term but it's basically like how i view myself is basically how i'm gonna um it like if i'm not feeling um completely in awe of myself in that moment there's a good chance I don't want to fuck. Right.

And yeah, with guys, with something that you got, I mean, you guys just will never understand that. Just like we don't understand that emotion. Like, I don't need to be horny for myself to want to fuck you. It's like, for guys, there's a trigger. You're ick, we have a trigger. But it's positive. Our trigger is like, oh my God, I have to fuck that thing right now. It's instinctual.

They have spontaneous arousal. We have reactive arousal. That's exactly correct. The way that your ick is innate and instinctual, our click over of like a thing we see, like if you're walking through a part of the house and just my brain like analyzes a thing that you're doing, whatever it is, and it's brain like analyzes a thing that you're doing whatever it is and it's like i want to fuck that thing so bad right it's fucking primal it's like your insides are like try to fuck that thing right now for us it's like our engine needs to be warmed

up and part of that warming up of our engine is really how we view ourselves so we've got to kind of want to fuck ourselves first before i want to fuck someone else this is this this is probably the best sex ed class that kids could ever receive which is it is true because they don't tell you that shit they don't talk about warming up women when you're young you have a fucking idea you think you're supposed to go fast and hard i mean the like the amount of times i fucked as hard as i could it was insane it was i used to try to break their pelvis it was nuts it was like not violent I just mean you were like the harder I fucked the better it is right that was

when you're young you thought yeah I want to fuck this shit like when you're 20 you think like if you don't fuck hard you're a pussy also can I just say one more thing um there's this woman who's working with this theory she's on tiktok but basically it's if guys were to really fuck according to what felt good for them instead of what they viewed in porn or what the standards that they've learned it would look very different if they were really it's called she calls it a poking pandemic where they've just learned that thrust thrust poke poke but it's actually more pleasurable if there was a more scooting motion like if you were to see a guy right when he's coming it does

he's not poking he's like he's scooting he's he the it changes and that's why i get a kick i love to watch dudes come without their heads i don't want to see their faces yeah but like on porn and stuff i like the way the movement changes when they're coming. The moment they come. It's different from just the poke. Well, yeah, you're right. That's why like when she's on the belly from behind

is one of my favorites. I think a lot of guys, it's one of their favorites. Like if you lie flat. Yes, yes. Because it is a scooping. It's a scooping motion. Scooping, yeah. Carlos, no.

Isn't that one of your favorites? Like doggy style is great, but you laying down on your stomach and we're on top of you from behind that's a scoop that's a scoop motion right that'll get me to fucking carlos show us on kalilah here you know what can you show me what this one guy did to me you're not going to do you're going to do prison style but you're not going to lay on top of me you're actually going to straddle me like a horse get over here i'm going to be face down, slightly ass up, but only slightly. How funny, Pete's like,

I don't ever get to demonstrate on this show. They make me just run the boards. Okay, so you're gonna straddle me. Yeah, straddle? Yeah. Is the cameras catching this? Straddle. The wide.

Good. Scoot towards. Scoot towards me, scoot towards me. Towards Angela. Ready? Yeah, that's the one I'm- You're putting your dick in? That's what I'm talking about. Scoot, scoot yeah no no this is legal you're both consenting adults

this is the position i'm talking about yeah and by the way i've done that that's my favorite position that's what i'm talking about that's the one scooting how did you know how to tell him what to do what do you mean me? Me? Yeah. Wait, so you... She's been scooted before. I've been scooted so many times. Okay, I'm like learning how to have... Wait a minute. Have you never fucked in that position?

I've never had sex. Cut it out right now. Have you never fucked like that? I don't think I... That's not really... Holy shit. That's one of my favorites. You guys don't fuck like that?

Dave! Hold on. Dave, where's my camera? Dave. This one? You to scoot it, buddy. You got to flip her over, let her be on her stomach, and you got to scoot. By the way, you do know why that's really effective for both parties.

They don't have to look at each other. Yeah, that's exactly it. There's no eye contact. You can look down at the pillow. You can fantasize it's somebody else bumping you. It's true. And then from the back, every girl looks innocuous. Every girl's back in her head.

That is the best one. The one that I just did with the wide leg. That scoot's my favorite. Is that yours too? And also the wider you can spread your legs. Oh, I know. You know. What the fuck?

You gotta get scooted, dude. Basically, it's like this, Esther. If I want a guy to like finish me off, even when he's already like come from that position, I stay in that position and I make him like like come from that position i stay in that position and i make him like finger me from that position why i've done that and they got they were like weirded out well you know what you're not with that girl anymore that's right she didn't know what she was doing thank you why it's kind of like i get to bury my face down check out who

gives a fuck who's behind me i get to focus on my the sensation without worrying about my face this makes perfect sense like also sometimes when i'm in scoot position i'll put one arm to the side and then i'll wrap one around to play to play with your button that's you have long arms i try this with bobby doesn't work he gets to like my tit there's no wraparound there but I'll give a word to the wise. If you do have long stems and you're trying to hit the button, your arm sometimes can fall asleep because the hip pressure on your arm hurts a little bit. So you've got to really scoot underneath to have all the weight on your forearm instead of on your wrist.

Because your wrist will fall asleep. And again, guys, this only works if there's a height disparity, like tall guy short girl i'm i can promise you it doesn't work other way around tall girl short guy do you teach these things like i feel like you could we're doing it right now okay no i'm serious though as you get all the stuff you learn about particularly if you if you have a partner that you can just be honest with about like what you like and don't like yeah it just grows the thing where you're like oh great we don't have to fuck that way because i none of we don't neither of us like that way yeah then you check out the thing that you don't like you're like no we don't great because i don't think i didn't know if you liked fucking like that because it's not my favorite

and then they go no i didn't like that and you're like great so we can cross it off remember the pressure of being younger and having to get through all the positions so insane right you in your head no one came no one would come no because you're thinking you're like all right i have to do this for another minute and then we'll have to flip into and then the way i flip her has to be this way and very like choreographed or else she's might get the ick right if i stumble it is true you used to be conscious of what you looked like having sex when you're young you thought there was a camera recording you and you were like they'll see me looking stupid so you were always nervous about how you fuck then you get older and there's queefs and there's farts and it's and it's sloppy it's hot it's way hotter when you

don't think about it you can throw a limb you get you can get hit in the face and it doesn't ruin the moment you know what i mean it's fine you just keep rolling i find that this is all like a positive advertisement for having sex with someone that you know and are comfortable with. Am I crazy? No, I mean, well, that helps. It certainly helps when you, because then you can be honest and just go. You could just be anything, right? Like, and I think that ultimately that is the best sex you'll ever have is if there is just no judgment.

All, you know, everything is just open communication. Like, there is just no judgment yeah all you know everything is just open communicate like there's just no shame involved it's like that's why like i'm fine with queefing in fact queefing has started to feel good i've talked about this before people did not like it it was not well received but it's like that is just part of it all when i was younger i used to care so much i'm like i cannot be face down completely ass up because that will then create the queef if he pulls out too far back and puts puts it back in and i so i would always kind of talk like a hyena and i don't want to do the hyena anymore i just want to be free and you should be free let that shit fly the truth about what you said is yes

the fun stuff about fucking a stranger when you have those moments in life that fun wears off when you kind of can't be completely what you want so then when you are fucking someone that you know that you're familiar with you you don't feel that's why people go back to old fucks that's why somebody that's why we fuck our exes because you're like dude they know how i fuck and i like how they fuck me and even though you don't like the person, you're like, I know, but the fuck is fun. And they're familiar and it's a normal fuck that I'm used to. Like I went back to that cockroach guy. Everybody goes back to, he says that,

you're like, I'm never fucking you again. He's like, everybody goes back to the cockroach guy. Because he was the first guy that I met that really just with like, he, with his his whole chest like he would eat ass like with his whole being and he really so that's something that was like what have you ever had your ass eaten of course all right relax but there's ass eating that's like more like clinical like this yeah there was just like he's like i had my ass eaten by all your heroes seriously just cut that out all right no leave that in leave that in leave it in leave that in um so yeah i went back to cockroach guy maybe once or twice because he just was very like he

had a voracious ass eater and i was like this guy i don't have to worry about yeah you know he knows what he's doing but also he just liked everything about me so i don't have to worry about, you know. He knows what he's doing. But also he just liked everything about me. So I didn't have to worry about my nipple hairs, nothing. Where's cockroach guy now? Australia. That's where he belongs. For some reason it makes sense.

That's so true. But think about it. I thought Australians are used to pretty venomous things and scary animals and living adjacent to them. So imagine my surprise when he couldn't handle a cockroach. Yeah, that's some bitch shit. It's not that big of a deal, dude. Please, our first studio that we had for the podcast had cockroaches crawling all over it. It was so gross. By the way, I am terrified of cockroaches.

Oh, it doesn't bother me. For some reason, they don't bother me at all. You know what annoys me lately is those big green beetles that fly around la the june bugs oh i don't i'm not scared of them but they are they annoy the shit out of me because they're slow and i don't want to kill them they're sweet and you know you can tie a string to them and then you can and they hover i think they're dumb no we can that's why people make turn them into pets you could tie a string to them i know but well don't do that guys we don't do that anymore but when we were kids you do send in the video because we would like to play on the show yeah tag us please donut are you do you have are you scared of any bugs like spiders or anything uh fucking

once i moved to california i mean we had bugs growing up that weren't like nothing was a big deal in chicago but like black widows are here brown fucking recluse are out here i'm like what that's you can die? Yeah. I was in a writer's room. I won't mention her name, but a girl got bit and almost lost her fucking hand. Yeah. Brown recluses are pretty annoying.

And she had no idea. She literally didn't come for the second week. We thought she was like sick or, I mean, she had told people, but got bit, thought it was just a bug bite. The next day, her hand was like all black and blue swollen fucked up she had to go to the doctor and they said they almost they were like if you waited you we might you might have lost your hand because it fucked up the circulation do you know are you smiling you know who it is no i don't okay i'm just laughing no but it was sorry but it was insane

i was like that's no yeah so spiders i'm not scared of them but i'm mentally haunted by i'm like i don't want to get bit in the middle of the night and fucking that's fucks me up yeah that grosses me out about cow so i have the spider guy come spray the house i love spiders i know but it's a bummer because they kill all the other bullshit but i just don't want to get but we have black widows out of my furniture uh back on the deck chairs patios oh that's exactly where i have them so right in the pool like loud the chase the chases chaise, that's exactly where I have them. So right in the pool, like the chaise. Chaise lounge. Chaise lounge.

That's where they hang out. Underneath those things. You always see their webs. And you can always tell if it's a black widow because they cast low webs. Yeah. So high spiders, usually non-venomous. Low spiders are venomous. Look at that little fucking...

I mean, even the red crown on it is so creepy to me yeah like it just tells you it's like i will yes it is it's like a fucking marvel villain donut are you with sprinkles what kind of um what kind of donut would donut be i always think of her as a munchkin from duncan donut yeah But what are we talking? Obviously just the original? I think a cinnamon sugar. Cinnamon dusted? No? Her coat would argue she's original. Yeah, you're glazed.

She's just, you're original glazed. What kind of donuts would you guys be if you were donuts? This is such, it's one of those questions that I just need like three days to think about. I'm an old fashioned. Oh, lucky. That's so good. My favorite chocolate, they're chocolate glazed and it's cake donut because I like cake donuts. I've always old fashioned. Oh, lucky. That's so good. My favorite chocolate.

They're chocolate glaze and it's cake donut because I like cake donuts. I've always loved cake. And my grandmother used to smoke cigarettes and eat old fashions and drink coffee. And it was like embedded in my mind that I am an old fashioned. That's cool. That's my donut. It's not that I think I am this donut. It's I would like to be this donut. I was just going to say, I think I wish I was an apple fritter, but I i'm not you're not i'm sorry yeah thank you what's yours can you can you pull

up i love you can you pull up um a poi poi donut from lili has holy shit so specific i was a genre you're a that one and it's mochi inside oh wow so it's a mochi donut have you ever seen those you are that of course you're that go to the picture of it's opened yeah picture behind below it oh yeah wow so this is what i would like to be because it looks um it looks pretty um not exciting from up top right but when you take a bite there's a a lot more going on. So I think, I want to be that. You are that. I think that, yeah. Esther, I think you're I think you're a long john.

Oh. What's a long john? No, you're not at all. It's just a No, no, no! That's Esther. No, Esther's a bear claw. No, no, these are all the things she absolutely is not. No! Chocolate sprinkles? Okay, yeah, we went now. No, I just don't think you are, babe. no you're no esther's a bear claw no no these are all the things she absolutely no chocolate sprinkles okay yeah i just know i just don't think you are babe we haven't found it yet regular

glaze no i'm sorry that's not you either you're you're more you're look you're something obscure because you are unique which is good oh you're filled you're definitely cream filled i'm so sorry but you are carlos what are you he's you know what he is chocolate chocolate chocolate he's a triple chocolate donut yeah he is without a doubt like what the addict would get yeah exactly that's what i'm saying like i went for the most extreme it's like the most rich dense sweet over the top over yeah where you can have one bite and you're like holy fuck but you know you're gonna finish it because you need it don't you just like an addict yeah you're gonna finish i fuck. But you know you're going to finish it because you need it, don't you? Just like an addict.

You're going to finish it. I shouldn't have all of this. I'm going to. And Pete? Bear claw. Yeah, he's a bear claw. Yeah, you're a bear claw. That's a fucking fact.

We haven't found yours, but I do know you're jelly filled. Because jelly donuts. Yeah, that's Pete. Oh, my God, is that fucking. That is. Look, it's Pete. Can we do a side by side i bet we wouldn't know the difference wait go back to a jelly oh there you go donut glossary zoom in we can maybe we

can find you in this esther oh maybe you're like a nut are you a nut sprinkled donut no that's no i'm not into that all right relax oh cinnamon twist you're okay i think you're closer to something like that you're deaf i don't know jelly filled keeps twist. Okay, I think you're closer to something like that. You're definitely, I don't know, jelly filled keeps coming back to me. Yeah, jelly. I think you might be a jelly donut. Okay, fine. You know why?

Because jelly donuts, they look like the other donuts, but they're much more harmful on the inside. Like they're way worse for you. Yeah, that's you. That's you. You're a bad party animal. Andrew, thank you so much for joining us today.

I had so much fun. I loved it. I'm glad I got to come on the show. We learned a lot. Back anytime. I feel like- party animal. Andrew, thank you so much for joining us today. I had so much fun. I loved it. I'm glad I got to come on the show. We learn to talk anytime. I feel like- I should just be, you know what? I should just come back on the show more. Yeah.

I like the show. You guys are great. I'll tell your fans, if anybody wants to come see me, I'm about to shoot my special. And then I'm done touring for a while. Where? When? Denver, September 24th at the Paramount Theater. The first show's almost totally sold out.

The second show has some seats left. But I'm warming up in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10. Brea, I'm doing a Southern California Brea. Wait, don't you and Bobby have a show in New York as well? We've got two shows in New York, but they sold out within like six minutes. It was crazy. It was actually nuts. Like, we crashed the Ticketmaster site.

That's awesome. It was fucking insane. Oh my god, that's like when Kylie launched lip kits. Same. No, it's super small. The Gramercy c's small it's only a couple hundred seats so we did two shows it's 500 i know how big it is okay well they're sold out they they're they're gone so that one's gone um and then i do brea minneapolis madison wisconsin and then i'm done then denver on the 24th me and bob are trying trying to do a bad friends tour.

And these kids are going to come along for the ride. Hopefully if, if our agents don't fuck it up, you know, whatever, but come see me if you're in Denver, September 24th. And then,

uh, I'll come back on here soon. We'll see you guys next week. Bye guys. Bye. Peace.