Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Andrew Schulz Was Wrong & We're All Runaways

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Tickets to Trash Tuesday Livestream! https://www.momenthouse.com/trashtuesday  Thank you to our Sponsors:  JUST Egg - JUST Egg. Really good eggs. https://www.ju.st  Bright Cellars - Get 50% OFF your first 6-bottle box at https://bit.ly/BrightCellarsTrashTuesday for $55 plus taxes. Bright Cellars is the monthly wine club that matches you with wine that you’ll love. Get started by taking the taste palate quiz to see your personalized matches.  BetterHelp - Betterhelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday  Nutrafol - Nutrafol - Go to https://nutrafol.com and enter promo code TRASH to save $15 off your first month’s subscription + free shipping  Trash Tuesday Merch: http://slugfam.com   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday  Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons  Official Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/trashtuesdayclips  Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977  Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491  Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220  Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk  Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman  Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster  Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS  Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera  Editor: Andres Rosende --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message

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offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Hey Annieie i heard that you're a stand-up comedian is that true yes it is and i heard you dabble too in the art i do and we're going places um where are we going so next week i'll be at the helium comedy club in indianapolis and i'm very excited friday saturday and then i'm going to philly san diego austin brooklyn washington dc and chicago and you can get tickets at esther Friday, Saturday. And then I'm going to Philly, San Diego, Austin, Brooklyn, Washington, D.C., and Chicago. And you can get tickets at EstherOnIce.com. And Annie, what's your deal? I am going to be in Richmond, Virginia this weekend at the Sandman Comedy Club. I know I'm going back. I'm going back east, baby. Las Vegas, Nevada. I'm going to be in San Francisco.

I'm going to be in New York. I'm going to be in New York. I'm going to be in Florida again. Burbank, California. Austin, Texas. I'm going to be in Arizona. I have so many dates. Michigan. There's a million. Please go to my website,

annieletterman.com slash shows. And I do want to say, my boyfriend, my dear Todd's show that he worked on on Netflix is out right now. It's called Making Fun. It's probably already on the netflix is out right now it's called making fun it's probably already on the top but let's make it happen it's really cool making fun on netflix i can't wait to watch you guys if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make

a podcast let me explain it's free shocking that esther that's what you were about to say right yes it's free uh-huh it's always number one on our list. It's free. Everyone wants to freaking start a podcast. This is the easiest way we're about to tell you. There's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer. And they will distribute your podcast for you. So it can be heard from Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all of the platforms, basically.

Also, you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership the best i mean imagine that that's like the lowest that's low pressure everything you need with anchor everything you need to make a podcast all in one place just download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You guys, we have a live stream show. It's going to be so messed up and unedited. What you don't realize is the things that you don't see on this show, you're going to see them on Wednesday, March 30th at 6 p.m. Pacific time. And you can- Let's get canceled, baby.

You can get tickets at momenthouse.com slash trash tuesday and we have an early bird special for only the first 24 hours of this coming out today on march 8th you can get an early bird price if you think we're an edgy show now just you wait you have not seen anything yet dude all parents are my can you block my parents' IP address? Because I don't... I am going to... Oh, you know what? They'll never pay. You should block Dave too. I'm going to ruin your life. Esther's going down on this one, guys.

You guys, we're ruining all of our lives. This is a one-time deal. You want to go to momenthouse.com slash trash Tuesday and sign up right now. Esther, I've had time to mull it over. I know. What? Here's what I've had time to mull over.

And unlike Andrew Schultz, his mouth doesn't have to check in with his brain. No. like it just operates at such high speeds that when he says something i don't have like a comeback or like i know i don't know if he means what he said i don't know if it's a joke i don't know if it's both a joke and true he's a genius in that way oh absolutely like him fully announcing that he doesn't eat pussy like proudly is absolutely iconic like at first i'm like fuck you but then i'm like no he took a strong stance and then we all have to like fight it out and like tell him why he's wrong and it was like an open fun discussion but also that is a preference in the same way that i know girls who don't like to blow dudes and they stand firmly about that and

you know um here's what i will happily ride andrew schultz's dick they just don't want to blow it right and that also we should be okay with those preferences yeah yeah no well i we just won't date exactly yes you're free to not go down on women as much as you want to not do that that's fine but delete my number imagine there are probably women who don't like being gone down on yeah that has to exist as well right um but here's what i've had the chance to mull over he was talking about the volume of a pussy and how the bigger the girl the bigger the volume and that couldn't be more wrong the tiniest friend i have and this isn't you the the skin i swear to god she weighs about 95 pounds she tells me every day she's like kalilah i need massive cock my vagina goes up to here like i need the biggest dick in the world like

she's a size queen and she's tiny oh my god i love this and i know a bigger girl who can barely get like those little vibrators in there or the little um dildos in there so it the volume of the pussy has no correlation with the size of the woman that makes so much more that's what i always thought but then he was like throwing this game at us and i like i was like okay i guess i can just be a pick-me-girl and like agree with him that yes because i like i was like okay i guess i can just be a pick me girl and like agree with him that yes because i'm small my pussy is small but ultimately like that's fucking not true and i'm so sick of guys telling me that i don't know what a big dick is you have no idea how many times in my life men are like you don't really know what a big dick is

and i didn't say enough for myself and i wish i would have but i do think that really know what a big dick is and i didn't say that for myself and i wish i would have but i do think that i know what a big dick is when i see it okay i think we need a redo whenever chance when the next chance we get to do flagrant two again we have to address these things we have to go in there and just i'm so ready to go back. Andrew, fucking call us back. Have us back. There was also, I don't want to get too aggressive towards Andrew, but I do have a theory since re-watching our episode. Because you notice how he was very quick to tell me that he doesn't think I could be bi,

that he thinks I just like you as a friend which I do but like but I have a theory I'm like oh is he projecting onto me that he wants to fuck me because he wishes that I was fully straight because I've only ever gotten that pushback from straight men I feel like they they meet me and they assume that I'm this like little straight baby and they want to fuck me and like if i how dare i like i couldn't possibly like women i just need their dick what thoughts interesting i we'd have to you know it has to come from the horse's mouth i think if he wants to fuck you or not fair but i will say that that is strategy it i think that men do employ that strategy i'm like no you they almost like invalidate your sexuality because they don't want you are on their fuck list yes yes and andrew like whatever it is let me know let's talk it out

like much love there's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck me secretly nothing wrong with it annie's here yes there's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck you yes there is you're all on the list everyone that's ever commented that they want to bang Esther is going to prison. Carlos, do you want to hold my key to my car? Oh, my God. No way. You got your Tesla? Today.

No way. I can't believe you showed up. I know. I almost left. I almost went to Mexico, but it doesn't have enough of a charge. I haven't figured out how to charge it yet. Wait, this is major tell us everything. Wow, you guys.

These are earrings that this beautiful woman in florida made for me whose name i can't remember thank you so much well at least thank you for remembering my name but can we put the air up a little bit it's is it really hot in here i'm rude i smell bad no my armpits look at me no that's fine with me put that i've been sweating a lot yeah it's very hot out today ann any here what's going on you got a fucking tesla I got a tesla I have two you have teacher nails I have two yeah it says write a book oh my god and I did start it manifesting yeah that's so cute you should get a tattoo that says write a book do you know that everyone is making me uh sign their arms like the koala tattoo that says write a book. Do you know that everyone is making me sign their arms like the Kalilah tattoo?

That's brilliant. Yeah. That's such a good idea. People have been also asking me to sign their arms and they'll get it tattooed. I really like that. That is fun. It's a lot of pressure. Like definitely wait till the end of the line of the meet and greet because I want to think

about it. Actually ask me in the beginning and then wait till the end. I was in my show in New York. I left and there was a girl standing outside the door and she's like, will you sign my breasts? And I was like, sure. This skinny little thing, she pulls up her jacket. She estered you? I was like, what? She estered you. I was like, what is your bra size? She's a 32 triple D. These are like the best hits I've ever seen in my life. And I signed them and I'm very proud. Now, did you put your head next to them to see where they? I feel like this is the perfect first day of owning a Tesla outfit.

Well, I had way better pants. They were low rise, like high up the side, like 90s. But when I sat down, my entire vagina fell out. I was like, maybe we'll save that for the live episode. For the live stream. I ordered you guys the funniest present, but they didn't come yet, which I'm really sad about. Also, I did my hair with it. I got one of those Dyson ones.

So if it doesn't look good, I'm learning. Wait, I feel like that was on everyone's Christmas list this year. But everyone's arguing about it, right? Whether it's good or not. Whether or not it's worth all that money. Now, here's how it feels. It feels a lot like a Tesla. When you first get it, you go, is this worth it?

And then you go, you start using it. Yeah, it actually is really cool. But I have to figure out how to use it better. Wait, your hair looks really good though today. It didn't. I wouldn't say that it saved any time. Wait, so how did the Tesla arrive? Like walk me they just drop you they drop it off they just send you a text on the app wait did you know it was arriving today or they didn't send you

to text me on saturday and they were like your tesla's coming in on the first or no wait they text me on sunday it was like i had a day to prepare my life and i have this fucking shitty honda i'm like i, I have a question though. My, okay, it's a lease, my Honda, and the lease is up. I've never not like traded the car in for another car. So like, I know I'm going to get. I know what you're thinking of.

Like they're going to screw you when you turn it in. Yeah. They're screwing you over gouging way. Screwing you, yeah. Right. But let's just say it looks like someone took a couple screws to the car so it's not really maybe it's equal we're screwing each other but i don't know if i should get it fixed first do you like you're asking her i don't know she has a trash car in her family

she doesn't know that's not called a trash car it's called a family heirloom you keep it yeah we're keeping it forever yeah in the same way did way, did you get rid of your other car when you bought your new car? No, that's a sore subject. Yeah, but that's a family heirloom. It's in my garage still and it's like, it's very, it might break up my marriage before it begins. Why? Because you want to keep it because of sentimental reasons?

Yes. And it's taking up room in the garage. And also my dad is, it's bad. I have a pitch. Listening. Park it outside your ex-boyfriend's house that blocked you. Put a poster of you in it. Make it look like you're just staring at his ass.

Annie, you're good for the brand. I actually think Dave would be okay with that too. Whatever you need to do, just get it the fuck out of here. Let's sell it to a fan for way more than it's worth. No, let's. Wait, I feel a responsibility as your business manager to go back to this topic of the car. Well, because there's a wire.

I just want to tell you what's going on with the car. It's not the worst a car has ever been in. It's not a Bobby car, but it's definitely a lightly Bobby'd car. And it's like, there is a wire coming out of it that I'm not sure is from my car or something else. And I haven't had the heart to bend down and check the wire. So what you're saying is you have to turn in this leased car. It's in bad

shape and you don't know what to do. Do I fix it first or do I just turn it in? Does anyone in the room know? There's so many boys here. Who's going to fix it for you? Just turn it in. Yeah. Oh, you know what I like about you saying that right now? I can see that you've just been pulling your hair kind of like back. Gelled back. Into like a hand ponytail. Yeah. So I know that there was like a master thought process behind it. You know that Schultz said that we're keeping him down by praising his baldness.

Yeah, Schultz has this whole theory. Well, what else are we going to do? What else are we going to do? We're going to go, Carlos, this is crazy. He wants, he says that we're keeping Carlos down so that he stays single, so that he, like, will still work for us. Now, listen. Esther, he has laid next to you while your period blood is just billowing out of your vagina. He's just laid there as it just slowly soaks towards him.

On a Hawaiian vacation. He was not released to leave the bloody bed. So maybe Schultz is on to something. Like, what are you going to do? You know my, did I tell you my assistant moved home? Oh, what? She worked for me for almost under a month and then fled. To country.

Fled the state. Went to Wisconsin. No, no, no. They want to have a family and stuff, so they want to get a house and stuff. There was good reasoning, but I was like, are you sure? Was it the YouTube comments that pushed her over the edge? She quit the biz. Well, I'm going to have her work for me virtually, so.

You're not off the hook. In the comments, you guys. But you have to strap him down. I kept saying to my business managers, we have to pay her more than you think we need to pay her. Because I can feel the wings starting to grow. I don't want to fly away. Carlos, let me see your wings. Esther, are his wings getting...

We see his wings. They're flinging from the side of his head. But you're right. I should just give it to them. Fuck it. I just don't think... I just have never done it to the point where I don't know how much money is it.

Is it $3,000? Is it $10,000? Is it... Writers' assistant jobs go for $1,000 a week. No, the car, though. No, she's talking about turning the car. Sorry, I did go back. I did go back.

I did go back. Are we trying to... We're negotiating your money, your pay? All negotiations will halt until the president of my corporation, Morris Povitsky,

is present. Is he still training? He's still, he's doing a stage. Wait, is that when you do the unpaid? When you're in a restaurant, it's like,

and they're training you and a stage is, I think, an untrained or an unpaid training. Yeah. Oh, oh lord he's been on a stage for a while in america i like the sound of that unpaid training carlos it's got a ring to it um should we call like dave or my dad or something and ask them what you do about your car yeah which one what is dave well dave just gets another one he does what you he usually does what you i think we should get three opinions

okay who are we who are our three lifelines maybe i should call bobby yeah see what he would do yes okay you call somebody and then you call somebody i feel like somebody that we okay um that should be the theme of this podcast because we call our ex-boyfriends every time. Here, let's start with Dave or my dad. Does anyone have a vote? Somebody that I used to blow. Isn't Dave working right now? He's on his lunch break. We don't allow Dave

to choose Judd Apatow over us. Okay? Are you guys having euphoria depression yet? Wait, I haven't watched a finale yet. Do not tell me i'm not gonna say no no not about about ending forever no just kidding is it forever no hello

hey dave sir david hello hi can you hear me dave hello dave what the fuck i think he's on facetime never hear from him again. He's packing his things out of the place. Dave? He's driving her garage out, her car out of the garage. Can you help us with a question? We need an adult. I'll try. Okay, we need an adult in the room.

So Annie basically is in a situation where she has to turn in her leased Honda Civic. Yeah. I know as a fellow Honda Civic lease owner you'll take a part in this. And it's trashed completely. It's not that bad. It's in bad shape. It needs some things. There's a loose wire.

Does she just show up to the dealer and be like, it is what it is, bitch? Or does she try to like fix it up before and make it seem like it's better?

Gosh, this is a great question. Am I being recorded or no? What? Am I being recorded? Yes, legally you are being recorded. I mean, this is really hard because it's like that thing of, I think they're going to charge you a little more if you just bring it back and you're like, sorry, I'll pay for the difference of

whatever it costs versus if you went somewhere and paid for it to be repaired and then brought it in. But it's a pain in the ass to get it repaired before. Right. So is it my does my is my time valuable? But I wonder how much the little amount is. If I knew like I need to know what type of thousands we're talking about here. I can't believe of all people he calls me like i guess this is an adult thing but i'm not a car guy i don't know cars we do need someone who works at a fucking yeah all right we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna pivot to kalilah's stepdad we'll call you later her stepdad okay bye he does have stepdad energy that's stepdad. We'll call you later. We're calling Kalilah's Dave, her stepdad. Okay, bye.

He does have stepdad energy. That's why he's always yelling at you. We're going to call Roger. I'm just more of a very similar skirt. Really? That would have been cute. Roger is, my stepdad's Jewish, so he'll give us the right answer. Roger. If he picks up.

Or they're wrong. Yeah. It'd be really sad. But based on what Dave said, it's not worth your time to get it fixed. Kalina? Hey, Raj. Hi, sweetie. What's up? Hey, I have a question regarding a car lease.

Yes. Okay, just hypothetically, nothing's happened to my car, but hypothetically, in the next three years, I wreck it, wires are coming out, a couple bullet holes in the car, right? Yes. And do I get it repaired before the end of my lease or do I return it as is? I would get it repaired before the end of your lease. Why? Um, why not? Is it because it's cheaper? No, because you have that coverage and, you know, it's, um, you can wait like till the third year.

Why did something go on? No, no, no. I knew you were going to ask that. No, nothing. The car is fine. Okay. I'm just curious, you know, because I have like Mark has made some scratches on our Corolla.

She backed up into a mailbox. I have that same thing that you do, the damage control. So I'm thinking of getting it fixed or touched up in the third year, right before I'm going to turn it in. So when I turn it in, it looks nice. All right. You know what else you can do? Here's something that you didn't know, though. Here's something that you didn't know though. If at the end of the three-year lease, let's say your car is worth $25,000.

But if you can sell it on the open market for $30,000, then you can do that. Okay, thanks, Raj. I think I'll thank you for that information. I'll call you after. I'm done thinking about it okay love you okay oh he hung up on you he said love first of all you have such a loving stepdad i'm so jealous like that was so sweet you don't even have a stepdad like i don't even have one i want one now he brought up such a great point i forgot that leased cars like have more value than they ever have in like the universe of leased cars yes like this might be we might secretly know the most about cars esther and

you're just not spilling she does know a lot she's tip-tapping i told you she's always keeping notes i forgot though that there you might be able to get more like value for it. The dealers might be so fucking grateful that you're bringing them something back that they might cut you a better deal than usual because they need cars. Remember their auto chips? Like there's no cars. You are sitting on a pretty penny. Also, the person who would fix it, just heads up, is a friend of a guy.

Do you know what I mean? So it's not like it's like, I'm not going to be going to like, I'm going to get him the cheapest. He's going to figure his ways out. But the last time I took it there, I did have an extra dent where I was like, where did this dent come from? He got rid of the other ones. And then there was one where I was like, that's a weird one. I don't know where we land Annie on this, but I think that maybe we get it fixed. My hands. No, your fingernails. Oh God, my hands are so sweaty. Did you get these for the Schultzers?

No, I got these three weeks ago and they're still holding strong. They're so cute. Thank you guys. How was it? It was flagry. It was good. It was, we were just talking about that.

Like he is so fast. Yeah. That you're like, you almost are like, what just happened? And then like move to another thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I think that we've been able to, we need collectively to go back and ask him some more questions. Yeah. Oh, a follow-up episode. Yeah, a follow-up episode. Vlagrant too. We thought that meant you get two.

Tries. Yeah, two episodes. Right, right. I want to ask you guys a question. I, on TikTok, I was, I came across this woman talking about the one thing that she will never do in her life. And that's to cohabitate with a man. She's like, I'm in a long, you know, I'm a long term, very loving relationship. But the one thing I will never do is live with a

man. Because I just she believes that there's just no way for how deep the patriarchy has existed i love this for women to really or for a man and a woman to really live in like harmony together um okay todd is 10 years younger than me so 11 years younger than me so there's chances are you would think he's gonna die after me right yeah they will find us like it's pompeii okay we will be together i will be clung to him there's not a fucking chance he doesn't get a separate room there's no man cave there's a couch in his office that i sit on so are you insinuating i'm insinuating that this lady's batshit fucking crazy but are you also insinuating that if you know you're gonna die i'm gonna kill him yes but todd lives an

unhealthy lifestyle for me because he's trying to like even out. Meet you where you're at. But also a really good thing is that if you have a terminal disease, why don't you just travel to a volcano site and actually die? I would like to be ashes. I don't want to pay for that. I don't want my parents to have to pay for the cremation. Just jump in. I'll become.

No, but you'll be fossilized in some way is what I'm saying. Yeah. If you just get magma on you and Todd holding each other. That's so romantic. I do. I do. I do like the idea of dying next to the loved one. Oh, did you see the notebook and it just, you were like, this is the only way?

The notebook was flashing through my head as I was saying it, but I was like, is this, did this happen? Let's talk about Just Egg. It is the most delicious food I've ever tried i don't understand how it's so good your parents are vegan so my parents are completely plant-based and they tried just egg and they were like literally singing and dancing it's so good and that's how i felt when i first tried it because they were using it actually on the set at iCarly. Like they were they had plant based options for people and they made these breakfast wraps. I was like, this is the best breakfast wrap I've ever had. I'm not kidding you.

It's so good. And they make them in these little like squares. So they're easy. You just open it up, heat it up, add it to a breakfast sandwich. And it's like your own little like egg McMuffin at home. It's super fluffy. It's cholesterol cholesterol free I'm an egg freak so I had trepidations about it was like wait is it gonna taste yeah it is it tastes just like an egg it's fluffy I make my quiches I make my scrambles my omelets it's really good you don't have to worry about a feather in there or a beak I say that it tastes I think think it tastes better than eggs. I definitely stand by that.

And also the convenience of it and the fact that my parents can eat it because they're plant-based. It just tastes good. I highly recommend it, especially if you're looking to make more plant-based choices. It's such a good, easy way to like get that going. You don't have to worry about cracking it open and it was twins. You don't have to have that guilt as a twin looking at the twin eggs. Like, did I just eat myself? You guys show off the new cholesterol free you by buying a bottle of Just Egg today and doing

the planet a solid all at the same time. Just Egg, really good eggs. My family is, they're big wine drinkers. And I think there's no better gift to give a family who loves wine than a box of Bright Cellars. It's really cool. They curate a box for you. And then it comes with a pamphlet, basically, that describes what region each wine is from. You can pick and choose what kind of wines you're into. from. You can pick and choose what kind of wines you're into. So if you're like a Malbec person, or if you like Shiraz, or if you like Sauvignon Blanc, you can basically handpick which ones you want to send your family. And I think it's just the easiest way to sort of make yourself like a

sommelier. Like the amount of wine information I know because of Bright Cellars is astounding. Dude, so Dave doesn't know it yet, but I went to their site and I filled out the quiz and I was very impressed with how it works because they ask you like, what kind of flavors do you like? It has nothing to do with wine. It's like, do you like dark chocolate? Do you like milk chocolate? They ask you all these questions and I know Dave, so I could answer for him. And he's now going to, and he prefers only red wine. So I put that in too. So now he's going to get a box of like these curated to his taste, special wines. And I also clicked like be risky, like take big swings.

Like I want to be adventurous. So I'm just so excited for him to get that gift of like these wines curated for him and for his taste. I also think this is the best way. If you're just starting to learn about wines, this is the best way to learn about different kinds of wines from different regions and sort of like figure out what you really like and it's like you opened a box and sometimes you can leave it up to them there's an option where you leave it up

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Follow the link to take the quiz and get started today. You guys can use our link and get 50% off your first six bottle box for $55 plus taxes. Bright Cellars is the monthly wine club that matches you with wine that you will love. Get started by taking the taste palette quiz to see your personalized matches. This is making me think of this fact that I learned like years ago about um tim burton and is it helena bottom carpet had a baby and it's you they thank you or fuck you no not fucking weird little thing um no i totally agree they live in at least when they were together they were living in houses next to each other yeah i will i like i'm very pro separate living quarters because then it's

like you have the option to sleep over and sleep in the same bed and everything whenever you want but when you have separate spaces to go to then you can come back refreshed I know what it is what you're such a psycho you love sleepover so much that you will make Dave have his own room so it feels like a sleepover every night I'm on to you bitch I'm onto you. Esther's eight forever. No, no, no. You're older. You're 13 forever. Thank you. We really needed you at the Schultz podcast because he was saying, he was basically accusing me of being fake gay, like faking. I wish. We needed, really needed you in that moment. No, it's real. I've known you so so long it's so real that I don't even know if it's comfortable for me to talk about in the status of your relationship right now you've been chasing pretty girl like chasing them around since I met you like she's Esther's perfect

up your skirt height too she's just an up skirt but you know I could see people thinking you're you're what is it what did we find out the word? Gay? Queerbaiting. Queerbaiting. Yeah. But you're not. Yeah. Yeah.

It was just a moment where I was like, if Annie were here, you'd be fucked, Schultz. I'll get him. Don't worry. Schultz, did you come after my girl? Helena Bonham Carter said something that like changed my life forever. Like my perception of relationships. When her and Tim Burton split up, she said, just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't a success and i'm like oh that gives me chills yeah because then i thought of all my previous relationships i always you always think of like exes as being like oh this horrible thing that happened and i'm like no that was such a like years of learning years

of learning about yourself living with someone else I don't think anyone would accuse you of thinking that of your exes being gone from your life. You're like, you always think back on them as, should I call them and ask them how my asshole tastes? No, but it is. I've been, I had like kind of this weird, like spiritual breakthrough this week that was like, I almost feel like such a nerd talking about it

because it's so crazy. But I just realized how much of my life is like attachment you know like I'm so attached to outcomes like being mad in traffic being mad like any sort of anger is because I have this expectation that I think has to happen and it's like by doing that it's like I'm setting myself up for failure because it's never going to go the way I wanted to go I'm tensing myself up I'm stressing myself out I'm like losing my life going to go the way I wanted to go. I'm tensing myself up. I'm stressing myself out. I'm like losing my life by doing that. Yeah.

And so I've just been anytime something comes up, I'm like, what am I like? What what is it that I'm like attached to? Like, what am I doing? Like, what am I focusing on? I just was like feeling so lonely in D.C. because I had been so sick this past couple weeks. Like, that's right. I have been so fucking sick. Like, I must cancel D.C. You got covid and then you had this horrible cold like two weeks after

no well covid was over christmas and then it's like a month and a half this cold was yeah but this cold's been crazy do you think it's long covid yeah because it's uh my sister is really sick right now and she had covid a couple months ago i wonder if it's just that like mask mandates are getting removed and like now the colds are back and they're better than ever or whatever and yeah i think it's just a regular but it was like it just you forget it just stayed for fucking ever it was just like and it just it's like you're tired because your body's just like working on this weird saliva snot. I just feel for anyone that has cold symptoms because I feel like I was always sick in high

school. And that feeling when your throat is sore and you're stuffy, it just makes life miserable. But then the day after the cold, it's like the best day ever because you feel normal. Yeah. But with how long the cold is, you keep thinking the next day is the day. You're like, this is going to be the day. And then you're like, it's still not the fucking day. But again, that's attachment.

And then I was in hot yoga yesterday. And I usually sit – I usually go in the back so I don't look at myself because I'm like picking my body apart and stuff. Oh, that's – I always say that about yoga. I go to studios that don't have mirrors. Yeah, you don't want to like – I don't want a mirror in front of me. I don't want to be looking at myself like that. But then I went in and I was like, you know what? I'm going to – I say that about yoga. I go to studios that don't have mirrors. Yeah, you don't want to like – I don't want a mirror in front of me. I don't want to be looking at myself like that. But then I went in and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to – I feel good about myself. I'm going to go – I'm going to go to the front. And as I was doing yoga, I was like, oh, I look great. And then I went, you know what? This is actually – this judgment is killing me too. So it's like I can't – I have to love my body and look at it with no judgment whether it's good or bad because our bodies are moving too they're never gonna we have no control over how they look and stuff so it's like do you know what i mean so i just was like i have to just like like that is my body that is so that is literally advice

verbatim that dave has given me and we know dave is the father of the podcast he's the grown-up he he would father he was like you can't if you have good reviews you can't like you can't take them in because then the bad reviews will also you'll also have to take you have to just like exist and then you can't like i was thinking about then also if i'm like oh i look so good that's vanity right like that's my ego i just was realizing how ego-driven i was being and so it's like and it's hard in right? Like that's my ego. I just was realizing how ego driven I was being. And so it's like, and it's hard in our job, obviously. It's like kind of. I do this other thing where it's, I push for the self compliments regardless of how I'm

feeling. It's almost like the fake it till you make it. So if even if I know, if I look at the mirror, I'm not particularly happy with how I'm, I'm going to utter the words anyway. Yeah. And say you look great. Well, because also your judgment on whether you look good or not isn't necessarily correct because you've just made up. Right. Right. And I always tell myself I'm able bodied. I'm strong. I'm breathing.

I look fucking amazing. Like how me. And that's it only happened in the last year i could not get myself to do that for a really long time because i'm like oh it's such a fucking lie but then my therapist was like just try it just try to like improve your self-talk even on the worst days and see where that takes you and i'm telling you like it has done wonders like i i am convincing my body because my my body listens to my to what's coming out of my mouth. Right. You know, so it responds to that.

So even if I don't believe it, my body will believe it. My love handles are listening to what's going in my mouth too. We are tapping into something crazy though because like that is, I know it's two different things of like, I know it's two different things, but that's like you're training your subconscious to believe good things about you so that you feel good about yourself because the bad because the bad thoughts are actually just bad habits so it's just like you know we learn a more little from whatever our like childhood traumas everyone has it you know you just like learn to like hate on yourself in these little ways that just becomes completely the way that you look at yourself all the time you don't even need childhood trauma for that what about like

turn on the tv open a magazine well i mean yeah like that is fucking child i mean that's what i mean just the child the trauma of being a child i guess yeah but also like um that's so funny you're like watching cartoons you're like i'll never look like that it's like well you fished your wish you actually look exactly like you actually look fucking exactly like a fucking Looney Tune. The only person in the world that made that wish happen. You and Brandon Wardell. My manifesting powers. Another thing I saw on TikTok is that possibly, and we don't know for sure, but are thin eyebrows coming back?

Do you think because of the Pam and Tommy thing? I don't know, but I think it's with the Y2K 90s look coming back i like i want i don't mind it are we gonna over pluck again no we can't over pluck we would have to literally do the putty over our eyes and then draw them on we can't over pluck i can't i went back to aruna yester she says hello oh god we have the same eyebrow lady fine i almost feel like our version of that trend, because I never saw this growing up, but you see a lot now where people will paint or dye their brows like nude or, you know, so it looks like your skin. Maybe we couldn't just do that. It's like a temporary fix. I just feel like the thin eyebrows we kind of learned from our mistakes.

Are we really going to let our children? But I feel like my mom was like, stop plucking. Yeah, same. Maybe that's a part of motherhood is to tell your kids to not pluck their eyebrows yeah I don't know what I've done right in this life but God did allow my eyebrows to grow back and I'm forever thankful because I have friends whose eyebrows never grew back are you serious yeah and I over plucked I mean I have pictures where the left brow is just completely gone I had maybe three ever do it even I don't know why.

I've never seen one person that plucked their eyebrows the right way. I was like a stressed out parrot. That's how much I plucked my eyebrows. I just kept going. And you always spermed it out. You didn't mean to, but you always had the little spermies where it went up. It just looks so bad. What are the spermies?

When they look like little sperms, when it would go up a little. Do you remember? It's like rounded out right here. Why is that sperm like? Because it look like little sperms, when it would like go up a little. Do you remember? It's like rounded out right here. Why is that sperm like? Because it looks like a sperm. Because it looks like sperm. Not our sperm. It's not like all crusty and crunchy.

Esther doesn't look at Go-Go. She just bathes in it. Well, you can't actually. I'm just, I'm personally. When it's on your lower back, how do you see it? I'm actually almost triggered by this because I, when I was younger, thought you could actually see the sperm swimming around and was very disappointed that you can't. Because I was like, oh my God.

That's the greatest way to get pregnant. You're like, I didn't see any of the sperm. I looked. There was none in that one. I literally was like, I want to get it in a cup and like keep them as pets. What do you call it? Like sea monkeys? Oh my God.

Sea sperm. Okay. New trash tank. Yeah. Trash tank idea. I'm listening. Carlos, you jizz in a fucking thing. We put water and we send it to the fans.

And then we make them, we make little necklaces with your sperm inside a vial. We'll get the little, no, no, no. And we'll do that. And then we'll get like little tanks and we'll get all the little things from like fish tanks that you can get, like the little treasure chest and stuff. And it just is splooshed around. It's like house decoration. So it's like a little sperm aquarium.

What did you guys buy then? This is what I wanted. This is the type of trash tank idea you're looking for? Oh my God. We got to do that. I like how they're all just cum ideas. Just our cum line. Everything relates to cum.

They're an on brand. we were all cum at one point we should send them empty for the squirters the future squirters and then you guys just try to like really girls just try to really squeeze out you don't know weird esther we were all just come yeah we're all just come you're that's a good that's such a good thing to say. Someone to diss them. It's like, you're just cum. You're just adult cum. I always think about that, how we could have just been a crunchy sock. We could have just been on a sock. Cum that grew up.

I know. That will send me down such a spiral thinking that way. I can't go there. You know how dirty the sock would have been? Jacked up that fucking sock. Well, because I was conceived on a one On a one shot One shot one kill

Yeah Wow So it's like I'm like does that Does that like That's what the Eminem song's about That's so crazy Like no one was trying

They call her the eight mile Oh god I think I was my dad's like last Set of splooge Like my his last burst of cum because he was like in his 60s i'm so proud of him yeah well you know the insides are melting a little bit but no but i really do think that afterwards you think what you were the last shot yeah and i think that's why i'm a swimmer you were the last shot yeah and i think that's why i'm a swimmer wow i won the race of his last like cum blast you know you knew this was the final chance yeah and you're a twin which is a

whole other thing like what does that even mean what kind of sperm is that it's two right two eggs i think it was two different eggs at the same time. Because we're fraternal. Oh, yeah. So it's two separate eggs. Identical is the same egg. So does that mean two sperm? Like there were two at once? There's just no way. I've seen my brother run. There's no way he was there at the same time. Do you know what I mean?

It's like he's so much slower than me. I just took all the nutrients. Like I just fucking – you know how I monopolize conversations? Imagine the womb. This is not new. Wait, that's so crazy that you shared the womb with someone. Like you're the worst candidate for a womb roommate. Did you come out first or did he?

He came out first, but I came out first, which means I literally kicked him out. That makes sense. Yeah. Well, you made him like stretch it out first so you could just go out i said stretch this bitch out she was walking like a cowgirl then that is a very boss move so you just flew out of there yeah it was our first threesome but i came out i always imagined my head was still this big and they had to like pull me out like that i don't know why have you guys ever sat next to like a big celebrity on

any flights? And what do you do? What's the proto? I walked into this was before I flew first. By the way, I somehow got myself back into coach. What do you mean? Some I just I ended up back in coach. I just my subconscious was like, you don't deserve this. And I went back to coach. And then I was like, flying's terrible. And I was like, freaking out. I was like flying's terrible again I was like freaking out and I was like oh because I fucking well because I hit status and then if you yeah so then I did the thing where I was like oh I'll just get the regular ticket and then I'll get upgraded and then I never get upgraded so it's competitive out there for the upgrades yeah I'm just paying it I don't give a shit I don't need to do crusty upgrades um but I um I walked into an airplane right now. This was actually so incredible.

And everyone in front of me was like, we're still in the first class little area. And everyone in front of me was going, oh my God. And they were looking over to the left. They're like, oh my God. And I saw it was Benicio Del Toro, okay? And I was like, that's amazing.

And then I was seeing them go a couple more seats and then I'm like, ugh. And they were looking at Clay Aiken on the right. I was like, wow's amazing. And then I was seeing them go a couple more suits and then I'm like, ugh. And they were looking at Clay Aiken on the right. I was like, wow, fame is fickle. There it is. Well, on my red-eye to New York, I sat next to Blake Griffin. Wow. And I know that he is like a fan of comedy, right?

Like he's part of you guys' world. He does the roast. I know that he knows santino and whatnot and i was in my sleepover by esther tie-dye sweater and um i you know how there's a separator between you can separate yeah and i usually i'm always the first one to separate yeah like i don't want to see you and like breathe you in whatever but then i was like i don't like i'll smell that seat well then i was like oh i don oh, I don't want to be rude. So I never like put it up. And I was like, oh, if he puts it up, I'm going to be really kind of offended.

Yeah, but he never did. But then we just, you know, slept side by side with just a little plastic thing between us. Oh, my God. There's a mutual attractive respect. You guys. Yeah. You guys were like if one makes a move, maybe. Yeah.

But like I I think I don't I never say anything to any like celebrities ever. So I was just like, you know what? I know Carlos was like, you know, maybe like invite him on Trash Tuesday. I don't think I can do that. Carlos is producing behind the scenes. Yeah. And then on my way back. That's where you need, you need, you need the chatty ones.

That's so true. She pushes me. Esther always makes me do things like that. Esther just sends me to do the work. If we were on that flight, we would have fucking crashed first class. We saw the Nikki Glaser thing with you and Nikki. Did it ever happen? Did you guys bang?

I would have known every detail. I should have texted you guys so I could have had like an opening line. But on my way back, it was Oscar Isaac. What? And Carlos spotted him before me. Of course, Carlos. Carlos, I feel like you're obsessed with Oscar Isaac

his knees buckled I was actually starstruck he was so handsome in person did your pants get tight they get tight you don't gain weight when you get a boner okay you kind of do you kind of do

I've never had one butt inside me, but. Only if you strap it up upwards on your belt line. I think I did really struggle with penis envy, like more so than the average kid though. My parents did think for one second that I might go like a certain direction, which they would have been fine with. But until I was a teenager, I was like, God, I wish I had a dick. I don't want a dick what i see i hated dresses i was a tomboy when i was little but i definitely never like thought i wanted a penis yeah i had major penis and you didn't have a penis around that's correct you just had your dad like there were so many penises around yeah they just seem so convenient chip yeah especially i Plinko chip. Yeah, and especially I remember when I –

They didn't touch me, not many of them. When I finally got my period, even more. The penis envy was even greater because I was just like, this is – The amount of how unfair. Let me die. Yeah. How old were you when you got your period? 14.

14. I was 11. And how old were you? 22? I think I was like 12 or 13. I know I was in sixth grade. And I felt like I want – did you guys like i wanted it because like a friend had it and then i wanted to be like my friend and then obviously yeah you didn't want

it no my parents would tell me that as soon as you got your period that i would peak my athletic abilities would peak that's so fucked and so i prayed every day i was like please i don't want my period please i don't want my period so when i got my period it was devastating that makes athletics so psychotic it is iconic that that was what they believed then it was like well she's only she's got a shelf life after she you know matures becomes a lady you know her body is going to change her speed in the water is going to change it was like all this bullshit that they fed me but um when i got it i cried for a whole week. Same with my sister. We like, not your inconsolable. All week, every week, every time I have my period. I'll never forget in junior high, it was my first bad period.

And I'm sure I've told you guys this because it's such a memory. I was wearing short overalls and I bled through, but that's not. What color were the jeans? Jean. But I ripped down. I was in so much pain i ripped down all the guys off my wall because i had magazine cutouts of like girls and guys and everybody all my favorite stuff i ripped the guys down and i kept the girls up i was like i would pay a million dollars for a video of that of your fucking uh your uh what's her lee cook what's her name

rachel rachel lee, like drug ad version. Just ripping the things down. Let's talk about better help. Because you know what? All of us, every person in this room has fucked up mental health. Myself included. I'll be the first in line. And I would be nothing without

therapy, without help. And that is why I'm so proud that we work with BetterHelp. I'll be the first online because I'm not waiting in line anymore. I'm going online to BetterHelp, okay? I don't want to wait in line. I don't want to wait in a waiting room with a bunch of other crazy people. I want to be like Esther. You don't want to run into Esther at the therapy office. You go in, the therapist is crying. You're like, why are you crying? It's just so good from the comfort of your own home. You get to switch in and out which therapist you want. I think that that is true. Like I can't, this is what I used to hate. I make a therapist appointment and now I have to drive and sit in an hour of LA traffic to go there. Parking. You didn't even mention parking.

Think about parking. Think about I'm going in stressed as hell. Yeah, I'm going to therapy to get over my issues with parking. That's how they keep you. Yeah, don't get me triggered on the way in. We want you to check out betterhelp.com slash Trash Tuesday because mental health is a priority for all of us for 2022. And you really can't do it alone.

You really need some help. And if you're not someone that wants to do the annoying things of going in person, better help has got you covered. Do not let it be 2020 blue. Let it be 2020 rose. What option I like to is that sometimes I don't want to do the video call. So I just do the phone call with a therapist. Sometimes I'm looking extra. It's just not feeling like I want to be face to face with somebody. And I love that they have a journal feature. So if it's five days until my next therapy appointment and I'm having big feelings that I can just write them down in my journal and we can talk about it in my next appointment. I love that you can communicate with a therapist in just under 48 hours that quickly. You can switch therapists as well. Yeah, that's important. Sometimes it's not a match. And without guilt, you could be like, all right, I'm going to go on to the next one and see if this one works. And it can be awkward to have to switch in person. And like this way, it makes it so much easier. And I do want to also most importantly point out that it is an affordable option for therapy because we all have those

people in our lives that we are like you need therapy and then they tell you i can't afford it right this is an affordable option and that's important to have and so i think you can always present this to someone in your life if they're saying they don't have the money to do it i would say hey oh i just learned about this. It would be so annoying if you did that. I would be so annoyed if I was like coming up with my excuses to not go to therapy and you were like, actually. It's affordable.

You can't afford it, bitch. Now I'm like, actually, should I sign everyone in my family up for this? I have. We want you to start living a happier life today. And as a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor, betterhelp.com slash Trash Tuesday. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Trash Tuesday.

Let's talk about Nutrafol because I learned about it actually from you, Kalilah. And I love that it helps me feel and like have fuller hair. Well, when I turned 30, the hair just fell off my head. I didn't know why. It could have been hormonal changes. I was just getting off the pill. But regardless, I needed it didn't happen when you were swimming. You would have been so much faster. You know, I thought about that too, because I had long term chlorine exposure because I was a swimmer for so long. So my hair was wrecked. But when I discovered Nutraful, I just I couldn't be happier with a product. It's not something that, you know, fixes your head overnight or you don't. This isn't an overnight

fix. This is something that if you commit to for a couple months, you will see results. I know I have. I'm so thankful that I found this product years ago and I have not missed it. I just had no clue that your hair aged. I just like didn't know that was a thing. When I look back on pictures of myself in my early 20s, it's like my hair was so like shiny and full. I had no clue. I thought it was thin and you know how your brain does that. But now it's like it's so amazing that I'm like I'm kind of like taking back the night with my hair, you know? And you know what I thought too is that, oh, these baby hairs just stay baby. No, when I started taking Nutraful, my baby hairs grew out all these tiny little things that i thought well they'll just sort of stay that way yeah they grew out my baby hairs are still they're

like in kindergarten now they're moving up honestly like the people who take this the most in my life are men they it's for women too i take take it too. But Carlos is taking it. Dave is taking it. Let's wait for Carlos to take it for a little while before we start telling people Carlos is taking it. But look at how thick.

I forget to sometimes. Yeah, for the past 15 years. That's the pill you really shouldn't forget, Carlos. Esther's right. They do have a formulation for men as well. You can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to Nutrafol.com slash trash

to save $15 off your first month subscription. This is their best offer anywhere and it is only available to U.S. customers for a limited time plus free shipping on every order. Get $15 off at Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com slash trash. This actually changed the course of humanity as well. This is the real vibe shift? This was the vibe shift. I was on stage, my first show on Friday in DC,

which I had a great fucking time. It was so fun. Audiences were amazing. I'm on stage, I'm wearing jeans. They're not the darkest jeans, but they're not the lightest jeans either. I'm on stage and I hear some girl go, oh my God, her pussy is sweating. She goes, oh my God, did she pee herself or something? Like I looked down, I had my Fergie moment. It wasn't that bad, but it was like just the level of the stage she was looking. And then I go, oh, my God.

And I like look down and it was like just sweating from. Yeah. You know. The inguinal region, which is normal. Where was it wet? It was just wet. I mean. Wait, your pussy doesn't sweat when you work out?

Because my pussy sweats. I'm not sweaty like you guys. I'm just not. I was going to say, I've never worked out. It takes a lot for me to sweat oh i sweat there i know i can't stop i sweat everywhere so then i was like oh my god it's so embarrassing i had another show but the green room at this club is a fucking hotel room so it had one of those little hair dryers so i got this got my videographer filmed me i'm gonna make a clip for it

for instagram drying my pussy in between yeah i mean it was not the end of the show either it was definitely the beginning of the show yeah i'm a pussy sweater i'm with you annie i feel that pain i have swamp puss yeah like after yoga it's just the whole thing is right here this was like you know but why would she announce it like that oh my god her pussy sweating yeah people are drunk i don't know but like i was like i'm not mad at you i hate you i'm not mad at you i forgive you i had a moment like that that i think like made me afraid of bathing suits for my whole life was when i was in middle school i like was at the public pool took off my cover up and like girls from my high my junior high were like i didn't know she was fat

and it like i learned in therapy like that's why i high were like i didn't know she was fat and it like i learned in therapy like that's why i don't own i didn't own a swimsuit for 20 years like it really you just went naked but like that's when you overhear what someone says and to them they're just like making a comment and it it will fuck you up and it's so hard to because it's like you know you look at it now as a grown-up and're like, oh, I wish I could have known to not like attach myself to that like insult. But you can't teach a kid that. You don't have the tools. And you can't, you can tell people, grown ups probably try to tell us this type of shit all the time.

Well, mine didn't. No one attempted to help at all. You know how Annie, you mentioned splooshed on Esther's back earlier? Yeah. I have a photograph that i've been unable to delete i usually delete a lot of like um sex pictures with exes and whatnot but there's this picture of just do you upload them on my back you upload them first to the i the iCloud you're not deleting the bitch i know you i heard there's this picture of someone else's cum on my back that i

physically cannot get myself to delete what do you think is psychology behind that do you just look really hot in it i do look hot but also it's so much cum oh that's cool it's like yeah well sometimes i'll let's yeah it's good work on my end right you know guys are always like do you want to see my shit you know yeah every guys you have not had a you do have guys always want to show you shit they're always sending each other texts of their fucking toilet shit they get like proud of their mess yes okay sometimes there is a shit that's worth seeing do you know what i mean no one's ever sent you their shit esther or tried to no but like i i know the concept of like i'll i'll get

like uh bloody pads from my college friends look at at how bloody, you know, look at how, look at this blood clot. Yeah. It is weird when it comes out. You're like, is that egg yolk? It's really, the clots are freaky. It's wild. So do I never delete this thing? No, keep it.

I love that for you. I see. Oh my God. Let's make it our new logo. Logo go. It's our logo go i say you literally frame have it framed and like put it in in your house and the bathroom it is in a room that body doesn't go in maybe can we see it yeah i'll show it to you i can't believe i almost didn't ask to see it esther you called i know i i was you were like confused yeah about period blood you were

like i i just only want to talk about vaginas you're talking about dick yeah because the cum part I'm like well because you guys were talking about sweaty vaginas it did make me think of my own version of that which is like you know when I can't believe I'm doing this you know when like this is how you're gonna squirt just let go you know when like you release some i want to go home you know when your underwear gets wet and like discharge yes discharge thank you and then you have to like put that like you peed and then like you have to put your underwear back on and now it's like all wet because there was discharge like that sucks yeah i actually made a i made a an executive decision in my life where i'm gonna buy like fully new underwear every month i'm just i'm doing it every month because why i'm like

i have money now why am i putting on these crusty i mean not do you not have laundry no no i clean them but maybe i just wear them once because i was on the road and I was like just bloodying up all my underwear. I was just fucking it up. And then I was like in the sink washing and I went, no, they're going in the trash. Oh, I throw underwear away a lot. I'm done. I'm throwing it away. Oh, what?

I'm not washing. I'm not saving. Because I don't throw it away new, but if I destroy it, I've made a new decision. Like I don't need to hold on to these stained whole. They don't have to be stained you guys it is so satisfying to run it under hot water and see all the blood come out yeah i like in the shower with me no hot water and also you can use peroxide yeah you can't use hot water because it's it makes it set yeah cold water for mine goes off and then i use extra peroxide it's such a fun thing and you do shout oh the peroxide when it bubbles up yeah and then

you use a little bit of shout it's such a good ritual for me um trash tank we have an event where all everyone shows up with their bloody underwear and we take it out we wash it all together and you make kalilah wash all of them yeah and i'm over here just watching you guys you have to be bottomless i'm ready to take it off your own bodies i'm ready to present to you the cum photo i think i'm just more in awe of how much cum it is. Ultimately. I'm going to tell you why you like it once I see it. Oh, it's because you look so hot.

I know it. Let me see. Oh my God. You look like... Give it to me. She looks glazed. You literally look like a glazed donut. Esther, I don't know if you're ready for this.

Show it to me. No. Is it like a... Delete it. Never let her see it. No, no, no. Let's see how long she'll got you, Carlos. I don't know if I can see it. It's okay.

I don't. I mean, this is like. Give it to me. Isn't it a lot of cum? It's a lot of ass. I do it with compassion. But look at. Look at this little body.

Oh, my God. Kalilah. Isn't butt. Your butt. That position. Look at how she's falling in love. Why are you making it so loving? Don't zoom in all the way. I know what you're looking for.

I know what you're looking for. You're looking for my labia from the back. No, back labia. Let me see it. There is. I see some. There is back labia. Of course.

I'm engorged, you guys. That is a hot photo do not delete that dear dave's back it's over i i want it let's go for clams dear dave saw kalilah's ass goodbye you wanted the the split the fact that it like kind of like went everywhere yeah i was expecting a puddle did it go like this in front of it so so like um what is that called when you like lawnmower your vomit like if someone throws it like this and then it just sprays out the lawnmower is jizz what is this is that lawnmower it's something else like what is it sprinkler sprinkler yeah i was like the lawnmower that sounds like he's gonna grind in your calendar the day you dump dave the end of my marriage dear diary if i get if i get engaged will you get married will you actually do it or are you

gonna not then no because then what i'll say is i'm waiting for andy to get married and then i'll get because that's what i did to my childhood best friend but then she did get married no she's having a second wedding to try to get you to get married probably also never believe me when i say oh i'll have a kid i'll have a kid when you have a kid i won't do it why no it's like yeah it's like let's get guys let's get matching tattoos you go first that's like when my best friend said i'll quit smoking if you stop um purging your food because i was bulimic for a little bit she's like i'll quit smoking and so i was so just keen on like i was like she has to stop smoking she was smoking two packs a

day and then i stopped purging and then she never quit smoking oh my god my dad paid me a thousand dollars once when i quit smoking he did yeah he that's interesting how old like i would be so embarrassed no i was like 16 oh okay it was like when i was a teenager when i was like a thousand dollars was like yeah i quit for like until i was like in college like i was like once i like till all the money was if i moved to another i mean the next day i bought so much weed with that at night i was like does this count as smoking dad no but um yeah no i figured once i moved to college it was like i can smoke again i moved out of the state it wasn't forever do you know at the bronx

zoo you can name um a roach after someone let's go it's like a name name a roach program i was thinking maybe we could all maybe apply for that i would love that you know you can send your name your name to mars as well and those little coins well this is different we can name a roach after each other carlos can you get on this yeah yeah he's like i'm looking at pictures of isaac what's his name isaac oscar was he so hot carlos he was it's alarming that you're in show business and don't know his name annie there's so many two names if you have two first names it's gonna take me it's gonna take me three years on the site well i guess i knew him from the cat one but i didn't like the cat movie what was the movie was looking for the cat movie oh was that the coen brothers that's when he came

out like he was like his first big where he like really yeah that was his first starring role i didn't like it that was a little slow i might like it if i re-watched it but i i think it's my narcissism because i'm not good at music so when something's about music i'm like it's my narcissism too because if it's just about a guy then then I'm like, I don't really I'm bored. It's like men watching our comedy. It's a woman. But yeah, I think I want to just start throwing my underwear out and will you just send them to me? I'll get them cleaned for you. You know, speaking of seeing celebrities a couple years ago, I was in the Netflix building and this man walked past me and I could not believe how well dressed he was wearing, like a very clean, simple black sweatshirt with black jeans.

And he was very tall and fit. And I was just like, that man is so well put together. And I look up and it was very tall and fit and i was just like that man is so well put together and i look up and it was jay-z that always happens because you see the clothes for yours because famous people are so they not all of them but he just looked he looked like a star without even seeing he's like the big he's one of the biggest stars in the world so it's like yeah you see the aura first you see that's what mark maron said when he did tiger belly he's like some people really are just shiny and you meet them like you meet certain stars and you're like oh i know why you were a star yeah like there are people that really just have that essence about them and they're meant for television they're

meant to be seen they're meant to be on stage and some are a little a little taint uh a little tattered and they're meant for podcasts. We're tarnished. We're shiny, but we're working on getting – but there's some stuff on top. There's some go-go we have to get off of us. We're a little too real looking is what I'll say. That's a positive spin. I think we glow. I think the three of us glow.

I've been seeing you all over fucking billboards, Esther. It makes me so excited. Oh, my goodness. You look so hot in that billboard too. Really? Thank you. Do you know what I realized? They understand that you're secret hot.

And so they know about that body. They put that body. Secret hot. No, because you're hidden under the veil of a small child. Thank you. Thank you so much. It's not. You look like a very pretty child.

A feminine child. And then they put the, but they put those titties out. Esther, can we finally get to the bottom of what's been on the board for six weeks? No. Oh, okay. What is it? Which one? Every week I come in here and on the board it says, Esther runs away from home to LA

after seeing Iron Man. I can't wait to hear the. This is okay. I'll tell this story. Wait, can I guess what it is? She runs away from home to LA. I can't believe you guys don't know this. This was literally such a big part of my identity

that I had this story. This is such a throwback. I had it written out in my Facebook profile in college because it was so representative of how crazy I am. What happened was is I... I can't believe it. Okay. I surprised my parents by coming home from school a day early. Like they were supposed to come and pick me up.

This was the end of sophomore year of college. Your mom's like, oh, great. I have to wait on her a day early. Yeah. And I was so excited to like show up at the house and be like have an excited excited greeting i get there no one cares i'm there they're just like oh you're here like nobody cares and so that like set the tone for the night a little bit so you're like i better i better turn it up amp it up a little bit so then my dad was like well iron man the original the first one

iron man came out today. Your mom and I are going to see it tonight. I'm like, great. I'll come with. And they're like really excited because we're going to this big fancy theater that was like 40 minute drive away where you like pick the sea sow. And they serve food, but we don't get it because it's too expensive. But we just know that they're serving food. It's also annoying, too.

You're like in the middle of eating and they're like serve. It's like, can you get the fuck out of here in the middle of fucking Iron Man? Yeah, and popcorn is more than enough. So. The bucket refills. So we see Iron Man and I am just like jazzed. Like imagine being a sophomore in college. You just saw like one of the greatest Marvel movies of the decade.

It's your fourth movie in your entire life. You saw it at the big muvico was the name of it this big nice theater so i'm just like jazz and i'm like i just got back from school i want to like go out tonight so i'm like we're driving back and i'm like mom and dad i'm like i'm gonna take the car and i'm gonna go to leah's my i'm gonna go to my sister's house tonight like i just want to like go have some fun i'm gonna drive by my ex-boyfriend's house that's what this is code for and my dad's like you can't take the car and I'm like what do you mean like I I'm your daughter and I want to see

my sister I'm gonna take the car like I'm not trying to go into the city I'm not trying to go out I'm like I just want to go to my sister's house they're like no and like that no of wanting to do something so innocent combined with the iron man jazz of it all i'm like fuck this i'm leaving tonight so you pushed your jet pack so we get home they go to sleep i go in my room i book a flight to new york city i'm like i, fuck it. This is how we get her to do stuff. You have to really offend her and then she'll get her own ticket. This is Carlos. Learn this.

This is like my moment. I'm going to be just like in Madonna's autobiography. I'm going to show up to Times Square with $8 in my pocket and I'm going to make it. And I was like, I'm going to New York tonight. So I book my ticket. I call a cab. There was no Uber. I call.

This is like the beginning of the story of her getting sold into sex trafficking. I call. I call a cab. I go to the airport because, oh, my ticket. It was probably like nine. It was like 10 o'clock at night when I book it. The flight was like for 5 a.m. So I'm like, I'm just going to go to the airport now.

So I like spend all night at the airport. And I text my friend, my college, my old college roommate who had just moved to la and i'm like i'm going to new york like madonna style like we're doing it and he's like well do you know anyone there i'm like no he's like do you have a place to stay i'm like no do you have money no he's like i don't think you should do this i'm like what do i do and he was like come to la i'm here i'll pick you up and i was like okay so i like log on to expedia.com or whatever i changed my flight i and i i get on a flight to los angeles and he picks me up and like we like we hang out like we have the day together there's no location sharing there's no iphone my parents don't know where i am

the whole day goes by and i'm like they're gonna fucking be so the whole because i'm like angry too i'm like they're gonna call and they're gonna be like where are you and i'm gonna be like i'm in la they never call and it isn't until the next day i fucking give up because it was a i call my mom I'm like hey guys I'm I'm do you want to know where I am and they're like well where are you I'm like I'm in LA and they're like we figured you went somewhere didn't care at all I immediately felt so homesick and I was like okay and then I'm like I guess I'll come home tomorrow and they're like you don't have to but I just flew home because I was like okay and then I'm like I guess I'll come home tomorrow and they're like you don't have to but I just flew home because I was like so disturbed that nobody cared that I left and then I flew home and that was like my first experience in LA and I think that's like what

gotten the bug in my head to move here how many weird moments did you have following pretty women around in the workout plan oh. With their workout plan. Oh, no. Actually, only specifically one is coming to mind. A very pretty waitress at the newsroom cafe. But yeah, that's my story of running away from home after Iron Man. That does remind me a little bit of a moment in Hawaii that I had. Where you laughed.

When my Irish could buy it. But then she Irish hello'd them back. No, I had to do that none of you guys didn't know where I was gone you guys I was like Todd and I thought

Esther was gonna fucking be on the plane yeah so we were like we were like we gotta get on the plane as soon as possible it was torrential downpour

this was when we had it was like the biggest storm of the year of like no the last 20 years so we were we brought it upon us so we were on Kauai

and it was already raining and Todd it was like drizzling in the beginning so todd was like we were recording the episode and then todd was like i'm gonna get us atvs just so i have something to do in my head i'm like he did not run this by me i knew there's no one that's gonna do it you might have done an atv but um under different circumstances we don't know my duct taper to it my uncles do that shit that's so scary they do yes i have that's so scary to me. They do? Yes. That's in your DNA? Yes.

Really, Esther? Yes. The white trash side of my family is insane. They are ATVs. They have a boat. Can we visit them? Yeah, it sounds fun. They have crazy things.

They have a boat. They do all that scary stuff. They hunt and fish. We could go to Minnesota anytime. Oh my god, Annie. We should go. That sounds fun to me. they they like do all that scary stuff they hunt and fish we could go to minnesota and we got any that we should go i know that sounds fun we leave our boyfriends and start fucking and they would they're such good midwestern people they would love to host and be so happy and excited would you be happy if we left our boyfriends to be with your family members to

be our family or would you be jealous that you're not fucking kalilah no i'd be happy i would love to have you guys in the family that would be great this that you guys in minnesota and it's a deep minnesota i would i would send you off with my uncle i wouldn't go with but i would genuinely and i'm not bullshitting you love that i'm down are you okay i've been trying to okay with all my little epiphanies and my spiritual awakenings, I have been making these little choices to kind of switch my patterns up. So I'm not, but so I've been looking at things like even when I order food, I want to order something I've never ordered before. I realized I was falling into patterns of always ordering the same thing everywhere. And so I was like, I just want to like not live my life like that. Make different choices.

Would you ever consider just trying these crazy things? I would because of what you just said. I know that like the self-help work of like a lot of the choices we make are just choices we make out of habit. So I do like throwing in a little different, changing it up is good sometimes for some things. You would just have to be in the moment of it though because if you prepare, you'll probably talk yourself out of it, right? Imagine if Esther is actually the best shot. She probably is. She just hunts ducks. No, I wouldn't hunt though.

That's where I'm like, I don't fit into this family when I open the freezer and there's all these dead animals. That freaks me out. That's with Dave? That's what they're doing in those jet apatow rooms the rumors were right i ran away from home when i was five years old i walked out with the wrong shoe on the wrong foot and my parents did the same thing or my mom did yeah she didn't come chase after me and i remember asking there was like a fruit stand and i remember asking the lady just like i'm gonna wait right here my mom's gonna come get me and she never did and they were laughing at home because i wasn't that far away they were laughing hysterically and kind of seeing like how far i would make it

and i remember asking this lady at the fruit stand like will you like adopt me for a couple days because i don't have a mom and the lady, the lady knew my mom, clearly, you know. But she was also laughing because she knew what, you know, she could see what was happening. Imagine being a grown-up and you're a kid.

You would be cracking up. You would be like, my kid, get my attention. That is, I don't know. I think because it's happened to me, I would be like,

oh no, like I would overdo the wrong, because that is the right thing. What our parents did is not care. Because when you give attention for that, then you just keep doing it. Yeah. So they must have given you attention for something. Yeah. I don't know what went wrong, but many things. I packed up my little Barbie, my Barbie suitcase. I had a Barbie suitcase, but I was so trying to impress my mom and my mom was did not like being a girl. She was like, really always want to be a boy. So I took took I didn't like Barb I didn't couldn't openly like Barbie so I took

like a pen and I crossed it off I crossed the Barbie off and I had my little emo like like anarchy crossed off Barbie's suitcase and I went and I hid behind the tree and like kept looking to see for when they'd find me and they just there was too many kids other kids in the house for them to notice i love that we've all done this and nobody cared that's like the theme of today maybe the the runaway if we run away we're coming back they and they know it yeah yeah it's not brides the runaway maybe they know that we're slugs and we won't get far yeah we. We'll never get far. Yeah, because as soon as they didn't, I knew they didn't care I was in LA.

I was like, I want to come home right now. And they were like, no, it's good. We're good. We're fine. We love this. We love this thing. You explored. You guys, thank you for watching.

We love you. We needed this. Please subscribe to our channel. We're trying to get to 200K. And if we don't get there soon, Annie's going to hurt me. I'm going to fucking kill her. She's going to hurt me in my vagina. Now they're going to want me to do that. Oh, no.

Okay. Well, she'll do it anyways. Please subscribe. We want to get to 200K. By tomorrow. And I guess get tickets to see the live stream. Momenthouse.com slash Trash Tuesday. Listen, we want to include you more.

Meeting you guys live is like unbelievable and incredible. And if you can't make it out to these shows and we're never all together yet, hopefully something can be planned, but come be with us. Are we auctioning our panties that day? I don't know. We're going to discuss that right now.

We're going to make the plan. It's going to be good. All right, you guys. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next week. Bye guys. gonna make the plan it's gonna be good all right you guys thanks for watching we'll see you next week bye guys