Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Anxiously Attached w/Jordan Jensen - Ep 142

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors:  PrizePicks - Go to prizepicks.com/TRASHTUESDAY and use code TRASHTUESDAY for a first deposit match up to $100. PrizePicks: Daily Fantasy Sports Made Easy! RocketMoney - Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions -- and manage your money the easy way -- by going to rocketmoney.com/TRASHTUESDAY FINALLY! Trash Tuesday Merch!! Get it at https://itstrashtuesday.com/   See Esther on tour. Check out dates at estheronice.com See Annie on tour. Check out dates at https://www.annielederman.com/shows   More Jordan Jensen: Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@jordanjensenlolstop https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ 00:00:00 - Jordan Jenson Is Here from NYC 00:01:00 - Girls Living w/ a Bunch of Dudes 00:05:42 - Cut Vs. Uncut 00:06:48 - Bathroom Coke Girls 00:11:06 - Jordan Got Dumped 00:13:15 - Anxiously Attached Girlies 00:26:20 - Jordan was Raised by Lesbians 00:30: 41 - Being a Woman is Bad 00:34:34 - Why Jordan Can’t Smoke Weed 00:37:51 - Lizzo’s Banana Drama 00:38:25 - Would You Rather: Micro Vs. Macro 00:44:48 - WYR: Belch Versus Fart 00:55:00 - Massage Porn 00:56:12 - Male Icks: Hats & Shoes 01:03:45 - Kendall Roy is Esther’s Celebrity Crush   Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday     Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079 AnnieWood - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/anniewood/id1653515392   Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee http://instagram.com/bobbyleelive Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen  🍬  https://www.candyedits.com     Produced by: Real Good Touring & Ten42 Podcast Producer(s): Stella Young & Julien Bensimhon   This Video Contains Paid Advertising.

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the right she's like you're gonna dump me one day i get is everything okay do you hate me do you not want to be with me are you thinking that maybe you don't want to be together and he's like yes i don't want to be together and i'm like what what thank you to our sponsor, PrizePix. Go to prizepix.com slash TrashTuesday and use code TrashTuesday for a first deposit match up to $100. That's prizepix.com slash TrashTuesday and use code TrashTuesday for a first deposit match up to $100. PrizePix, daily fantasy sports made easy. Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. That's rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. Hi, slugs. My tour is coming to an end, but there's a couple dates left. On November 16th, I'll be in Irvine at the Irvine Improv. And also towards the end of November, I'm adding some special small New York dates. So if you missed me this summer, I cannot wait to see you. And you can get tickets to all of those at esteronice.com. Hi, guys. I'm so excited. I am on the road forever and always. Come see me. I love the meet and greets. I love meeting you guys. It's been

so awesome. I'm going to be in San Jose at the Improv, November 17th and the 18th. It's going to be so freaking fun. I have Lizzie Cooperman coming with me. So check that out. I'm going to be in Houston, Texas, Edmonton, Alberta, and Jacksonville, Florida. Go to Annie Letterman.com slash shows to check it out. All right. Welcome to Trash Tuesday. We have our friend, hilarious podcaster and comedian, Jordan Jensen. In from New York. Hopefully we can keep her. I feel like we have a better shot of keeping her in L.A. than most New York comics. She lives in New York?

That's so cool and glamorous. Did you not know that? No. Wow. Also, by the way, when Esther was there, her fiance was working on a show and had like a really nice place. She had like a very good life. I did have like a really great.

She had a life in New York that I have never lived. We had a three month like luxurious New York stay in Soho. And I realize now that that's not what it would be like if I went. I definitely have an idealized version of what New York would be like. I live with two other dudes who stink. Are they comics? They're comics. I'm moving out as soon as I get back tomorrow.

Are they sad or they don't care? They're sad. We're all sad. We've lived together for a long time. That sounds fun. I used to live with Mike Racine and Dan St. Germain. You lived with Chris and Mike at the same time? Yeah, but Chris really only stayed with us for one night and stayed at his mom's house.

Wow, that's a lot of autistic gay people in one room. Isn't it crazy? Yeah, that's crazy. I never Wow, that's a lot of autistic gay people in one room. Isn't it crazy? Yeah, that's crazy. I never got to live with a bunch of guys. This sounds really fun. It's the best because you also get treated, like, if you're in the bathroom, they're like, don't even go near it. Like, that's hers. It's really, yeah. Like, you are queen. Well, I don't know if that was

my experience. Mine was living with Mike, I was living with Mike Christine where, like, he was just making booger, taking his boogers and making like- You got to stop. It's the real truth. You got to stop.

It's the truth. He did not. He was making mountains of boogers. He's not well. What do you mean mountains of boogers? He's not well. I don't know. I don't know what to say.

He made, I don't know. He has a beautiful wife and a child. I don't know how it happened. That is, it's getting worse. What do you mean mountains of boogers? Then there was a lot of, there were a lot of conversations that were like, Dan St. Jermaine would be like, Annie, we got to, we we gotta tell Mike he can't, he doesn't know how to wash the dishes.

They're not good enough. But I'm like, both of them were like adding stuff to the, I'm like, every time they'd wash them, it'd be like grosser. I was just like, I'm going to just get takeout and never touch these dishes. When you live with men, my fear would be that there would never be toilet paper. Do you ever run out of toilet paper? We have toilet paper mountain in our bathroom. So I got like a big wicker basket and it's just always has a mountain of toilet paper. She just

knew. But I'm toilet paper. I'm the bad person. So I have OCD. So I wipe, my butthole is probably bleeding currently because I wipe until, if I don't see blood, it's not clean. Why aren't you using wet wipes? Get a bidet. Do you want to get into this right now? Do you want a bidet? One, bidet, first of all, it just sprays your butthole. It doesn't, unless it has a chisel attached to it. No, you need a dry, it's like if you have spackle. You don't need dry. You need a sandpaper on the spackle.

You can't just wet it, mush it around. You need to chafe off the flesh. I'm now imagining like caulking your asshole shut, just having the asshole. That would be great. That would be ideal. I don't understand. You cannot get clean with dry and not wet. But you seem like asshole shut. Just having that asshole. That would be great. That would be ideal. I don't understand. You cannot get clean with dry and not wet. But you seem like you might have like a duty asshole.

No, not at all. Are you kidding? Have you ever had a little duty butt? No. We all know that you wipe the vagina, take the vagina juices, and use that on the asshole. We all do it. No, she does the opposite. We all do it.

We've been through this with her. Look, you never know when a man is going to want to eat your ass and you want to be presentable. She's more into the butt stuff than I am. I'm not into it. It just might happen. It just might happen to me. Tickle torture? That happens to her.

Actually, does she not look like the most tickle-torturable person? You look so pretty. Really? Yeah. The lighting? You look pretty too. It's the lighting. I like your glasses.

I used to wear the ones that you would take, I think, was it for shooting? And everyone was like, I remember Joey Diaz stopping me in the, he was like, stop wearing this stuff. I got these at a dollar store. I wear them on podcasts because the lights are very bright sometimes.

I like that you can solve your problems at the dollar store. That's like really impressive. Not to bring up Dan St. Germain again, but I'm having a dollar store memory. I was, I went to, there was a dollar store around our neighborhood and I went in to get like-

You don't say. Someone returning something at the dollar store and be like, this phone charger doesn't work. And it was Dan St. Germain. And I was like, Dan. Oh, wow. It was so psychotic. It was like, do you need to borrow a dollar?

What are you doing? Isn't it crazy when you have that moment where you're like, whoever this person is, is fucking psychotic. And they're like, oh, not only they a dollar? What are you doing? Isn't it crazy when you have that moment where you're like, whoever this person is is fucking psychotic. And they're like, oh, not only is he my friend, I live with them. No, or I look in the mirror and it's me. That's often. I checked out a guy the other day and I was like,

that's the hottest man I've ever seen. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. And he turned and it was my roommate. Oh. Yeah. And I was like, what does this mean? No, no, no. We're just, we're so close, but he got like a new sweater.

Who's this man with us? This is my friend. My friend Duncan is here. We've been friends for a long time. Okay. Duncan, do you have a crush on her? Where's Duncan? We both, well, forever.

We have a crush on everybody. Oh, I like living in that. We've hooked up before. It was very good. No, but there's a beauty to it. I have a million hot male friends, none of which I date. Really? I'm actually currently low on single males in my life.

Like normally I'm really good at setting people up. Positive setup? My mom was good. She like put people together that got married. I also think it's a numbers game. It's like put people on dates. If it doesn't work, who cares? Like it's good sometimes. Yeah, putting people on dates is a nice thing to do. My friends never do this. Nobody ever does this anymore. I love this. I'm really low on single Jewish men and even just single regular men. Well, Jews are in, they're being, they're beloved right now. They are? In the single

woman community. Yeah, once you get into your 30s, you're like, I want somebody smart, funny, capable. Uncut. And you lose, yeah, uncut, and you lose all the necessity for like, handy, rustic. All of that goes away in your 20s. You're like, I don't want the idiot who can build a fire.

Yeah, and also it's like the roofers are married. The roofers are married. The roofers are married. If you had to guess how common it was for new baby boys to be cut or not cut, like what percentage? I think it's going down, right? Less cutting. It's going down now.

It's 50-50, which I was shocked. I thought it was going to be. On each penis, they just do half that's like you decide but like I would have thought it was way less but I guess but I think it was more before right no yeah in the world because I feel like other countries don't this was just like one doctor said it so it was like you're like it was a tiktok I lost it I forgot to save it I didn't finish it um no but one doctor said it. It was a TikTok. I lost it. I forgot to save it. I didn't finish it. No, but a doctor said that, and I was like, whoa. I believe in the uncut gem.

Yeah, that's fun. You get a little BV, though. A little BV. It's a little more. You get a little more risk. If he's like an ape, I mean, people can clean their—think about our vaginas. We clean those. I like that you said a vagina.

Think about the vagina. That's my lesbian mom's talking. That's your vagina. If I was a guy and I was uncut, I would have died at three. You think? Yeah, I'm so unclean. Is there? Even though I just said my butt.

I said there could be doody butt. I just said, I just inquired. I don't say anything. I let you take it and you eventually do it yourself. Have you ever been in the bathroom with girls who do coke and then they shit and you see them wipe and you're like

that was one pass maybe two there's no way you don't have a baby so I thought we were talking about the coke like something getting connected but it was

just that you were in the bathroom no you know when you're always when girls do coke because I was like what are they like wiping and then they're

like throwing their fingernails well they're always like they'll go into the bathroom and then they'll do coke and then they're like oh my god

I have to shit because they have coke shits and then you see them shit and then they're like oh my god i have to shit because they have coke right yeah and then you see them shit and then they're talking to you manically about whatever some like you know which which type of what do you call it em emtj they are whatever the fuck what whatever myers-briggs personality they are and then they go and wipe dropped a few earlier and then they wipe and you're like that was one pass dude that was one pass there's no way you're done but you're not close enough to say anything. You've also done half their Cokes. You're not going to be like, I think I have a poopy butt. Also, why am I watching you shit? Why does this have to be a part of it?

I want to be in the Coke bathroom. I've never been. It sounds fun. Whoa. It sucks. It sucks? It's like really scary because I don't do Coke anymore, but I used to do a lot. So now it's like a really scary place to be. Now you're're like are you guys okay yeah now they trap you and they're like can we i just want to talk to you what's going on with you and your dad i like that a lot it's really scary like this is my dream yeah wait i'm like how but how did you stop i feel like that's a hard thing to stop and you seem so confident you're like it's it's over oh because here's what happens you if you have like a bipolar or fucked up alien brain, between bumps of coke, you plummet.

And you can tell. If you're doing coke with people, there are some people who are like, sure, I'll take another bump. And then there are some people who are like, hey, do we need to call somebody to get more? I'm not able to. We're just going to need to get it down on the table.

And I was that person. And I was dating a dude at the time who wasn't like that. So it showed you more how crazy you were. Right. And I was like, this is, because between bumps, if you have the whatever serotonin brain, the bad one, it feels like you're like, I will kill myself if I don't get another bump. There's no other way to go. I just always felt like, this is my take on Coke.

It's just not good. So then you're always trying to get more because you're like, when does this get oh yeah for me it's so good and then it plummets into bad i've never yeah i've always been like i actually learned a similar lesson from my partner my boyfriend whatever you call him dave over over um what is it called the way he eats french fries versus how i eat french fries like i never knew that you could just, like, not finish them. Or that you could just not, like, have to, like, put five in. I'm sorry that you're in an abusive relationship. I know.

That's so fucked up. That's really fucked up. I'll never forget the first time I was like, you didn't finish your fries. And he's not skinny. Like, I don't know why. You're like, do not accuse me of dating a skinny man. Do not. Esther, I, the other day, every day when Todd orders food or whatever, he'll leave like

his, he doesn't finish. I always finish my food. Not because I'm worried about, like my parents did not tell me to finish my food. We just all finished everything. Yeah. He'll leave like, you know, half of the pasta. No trauma. I just will finish.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no like, it wasn't for anyone else yeah it was just okay so he leaves like half like a pasta or something and he'll catch me just eating it like cold off the thing and he goes do you have any respect for yourself and I'm like what does I'm not even thinking right now yeah you're not there I'm in a mode right now I'm in beast mode right now no we call it this it. This is my workout. No offense to your friend, but we call it Duncan Dimension because that's my parents'

obese dog who passed away last year. But like Dave was like, oh, you're in Duncan Dimension right now because I'm just like, you know, eating. I'm not present. I'm not there. But he's like heated up. Duncan Dimension is great. Duncan has a dimension.

My friend Duncan, who's over there. He has dementia? He has dementia. Yeah. But he would call me and be like, dude, I fucked up last night. And I'd be like, what? And he'd be like, I ate, I ate like a whole box of cereal. And I was like, that's crazy. And he was like, no, no, no. But I would go dip it into peanut butter, dip it into cereal, eat it. And I was like, I would be a different person. Like I would wake up. I thought you were going to say he ate the whole box. You're like, no, no, I ate the cardboard. It was really. He was like, I, I ate like I would be a different person like I would wake up ate the whole box like no no I ate the cardboard it was really he was like I I ate the box and half a jar of peanut butter I

was like that would I would be dead hungover for sure hungover the next I would be constipated for six weeks yes oh my god queen right yes I don't I never shit I've been shitting a lot since the breakup that's sick which I want to talk about. Dropping some. Well. Drama. Drama. Well, I got dumped. I always get dumped. I'm a dumped.

I'm a dumper. You mentioned. That attitude. Yeah. You go into the relationship like, you're going to dump me one day. I get dumped, dog. I get straight up dropped. How long were you together? Well, it was on and off.

It was, we break up like once a month. Yeah, you said he dumps you once a month. Yeah. And how long is, when did it start? A few years ago. Almost a few years ago, yeah. Do your friends like him? Some of them don't know once a month. Yeah. And how long is the, when did it start? A few years ago. Almost a few years ago, yeah. Do your friends like him? Some of them don't know him.

Okay. Yeah. Duncan's never met him. It's not Duncan. Oh, he would know. Could you imagine if it was Duncan? No, he's just like a hyper, he's a hyper, he just like, I'm very chaotic and very like, is something wrong?

Is everything okay? Do you hate me? Do you not want to be with me? Are you thinking that maybe you don't want to be together? And he's like, yes, I don't want to be together. And I'm like, is something wrong? Is everything okay? Do you hate me? Do you not want to be with me? Are you thinking that maybe you don't want to be together? And he's like, yes, I don't want to be together. And I'm like, what? What? And then we were like, I had no clue. I was blindsided. But if a guy's dumping you once a month, why are you taking him back every time? You know, when you have a dream and your best friend in the dream is like, I hate you. And then you wake up and it feels so good that they're still your best friend. So when somebody dumps you spontaneously like he does,

where he's just like, it's done. I'm so freaked out. I'm so weird. And then the second he's like, he gives you like the antidote. Yeah, you're like, oh, for a second there, I thought the world was fucked up. And then you keep doing it. I'm, I get it, but I'm getting upset at this. Yes, yes, most people do.

It's disturbing. My mom is like every other. She's like a very compelling, avoidant, autistic almost person. And she would just be like, you're my daughter today. Not tomorrow. Like that. So that's what I'm addicted to now. I had no like unconditional.

I don't even know. Unconditional love is like disturbing to me. The thing is, here's the thing. Obviously we all just need securely attached guys, which I think we found securely because do you think Dave's securely attached? Like beyond. Yeah. But you found him, you got him young. And you're just dating somebody who is, you're so far out of his league. That's all that's going on. And I would really like you to stop calling that securely attached. He's my fiance. Yeah, that's great. But you are out of his league.

So even if he was an avoidant guy, he would never be with you. That's so funny. But not true because, okay, RIP Matthew Perry. I just saw, like, watching interviews and stuff, and he said that he was this TV star dating this movie star, Julia Roberts, and he was so, like, anxious of whatever his issues were. He dumped her because he was so afraid. He knew she was so much higher up that he was so afraid she was going to dump him.

I am not dating down. You don't think it's dating down because you're madly in love with this person? I have just done that before. Oh, my God. You're not dating down to you, which is very sweet. You know when your friend is like, oh, he's really secure. I'm like, he wouldn't be secure if he was dating somebody his age who's like struggling. You know what I mean?

Like he is like, he's bringing. But don't you think he should be less secure? He should be more anxious? I guess I assume every man is avoidant. I do too. I really do. I mean, they aren't mostly, but the ones I. I know some anxious guys.

Really? Oh, it's crazy. They never, I never met them. I never dated them. I mean, they aren't mostly, but the ones I... I know some anxious guys. Really? Oh, it's crazy. They never... I never met them. I never dated them. I'm friends with them. Anxious guys are sweetie pie, cutie pies, but I would never have sex with them. But you watch them doing what girls do.

You know what I mean? You watch them being like too much. Can you read this text? Is this text bad? Is it stupid that I said this? And you're like, wow. Or like the girl being like, I need space. And then being like, I'm just going to like text her all day.

And you're like, she literally just said, give me space. She just told you. Now, do you have any aspirations to be like, because you seem very aware that this cycle you're in is not good. You know why you're in it too, because it's like something about your mom, your relationship with your mom. Are you like, I got to stop this?

Are you like, life is fine and it doesn't matter like what will I go back into it yeah or like this is the scary like black mirror of it all is every time it ends I'm like I'm never going back there that's a fucking old way and then time passes I get really freaked out and then we see each other and it's like what's up I've completely forgotten that you destroyed my life I I missed you so much. Now. Okay. So. Which you're not alone. This is like. Does he date other people in between? I don't ever care to know. Okay. Oh, that's impressive. And then I will, because I'm so jealous that I will burn a house down. But you must not be that jealous because you're not the jealous type. That's like what happened? I need to know everything. Um, I know that I, I, I, I'm somebody who who if I had a terminal illness, I would not want to know.

Like I'm like, if you cheat on me, just don't fucking tell me. Right. I'm very much like that. Like if I was in an open, when I've been in open things, I'm like, do whatever you want. Wrap it up. Do not ever let me find out who it is. This is impressive. And would you be mad at her or would you be mad, are you mad at him?

It just would, it would just become a loop. You be a loop you're not going through anyone's phone fuck no yeah that's my friends go through their boyfriend's phones i'm like yo enjoy that yeah you're gonna always find something fucked up i i mean i accidentally have gone through guys phone like literally just looking for just literally like did he save this text of mine having no clue because i'm with the person 24-7 and they're just fully cheating on me. And I'm like, I cannot believe I just found that out. Like just fully shocked. Like, oh my God, never going in with that intent. Fully like they're in a relationship with somebody else.

Yeah, you're like, oh, this person just met your parents. You're like, what? How did they meet your parents? I'm with you every day. Do you want to have some kind of a plan in place to prevent going back or you're not thinking about it get the get the i have everything's blocked and i have a therapist now and yes i'm thinking about doing there's like this retreat that you can go to for a few days that deals with

the the the cycle attachment cycle or whatever you're gonna go on a retreat i might go it is a drug you guys are gonna fuck each other it's a what it is i believe it is a drug addiction it is a drug addiction i have someone in my life that i'm very close with that isn't a similar thing but i think is probably worse um where like they keep going back to this person that keeps not choosing them and does not but like they're having sex and stuff and but she's in love with him and clearly he's in love with someone else I think I know who you're talking about what?

I think I know who you're talking about you don't oh I don't? okay it's bleep it but it's oh okay but like

I always I'm like you're dealing with a slot machine sometimes you press the lever and he likes you and sometimes he doesn't and you're addicted slots are so fun

yeah I was in Vegas this weekend and I saw people sitting it's like and you just press the doesn't and you're addicted slots are so fun yeah i was in vegas this weekend and i saw people sitting it's like and you just press the button don't look and judge i'm not gotta come with the queen i have my own slot issues what you haven't said you haven't had the most fun you can have on a slot machine sitting next to me on one of those double love see oh my god Esther. I would love to have you in my arms. That would actually be so entertaining. Playing like the Karate Kid. But here's the thing. That's the second time I've heard that movie today. It's a core. You kind of

give me a vibe I want to talk to you about Karate Kid. Really? I just want to break it out. I didn't mean to, but now that I'm saying that. But I do, I think that it's like a you know you get like used to this belief about yourself where it's like oh I'm not the chosen one or whatever so then you just go back to the thing that's gonna keep I don't think everybody gets to be the chosen one that's the other thing is I'm like if you want to be with a very special person they're gonna leave you all the time that's so crazy I know but that is I'm just saying like the lucid back of my mind you be the special person I'm I'm, but like if I'm like- What does this person do?

Well, the humor. They're funny. Are they a comedian? They are a person who exists in the world. Oh. They're funny. They make you laugh. You have fun together.

Yeah. And when it's good, it's super good. And you never know when it's just going to turn. And you admire them? Which makes it even better. I admire their humor. Yeah. They're just very intriguing to me.

They're very stoic. They're not, I can, I also, my favorite thing is to be like, please, please, please love me, please, please. And the second that turns on me and somebody's like, love me, it's like revolving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I love being like, please, please. And that's when I feel I have the most energy is when I'm fighting for love. Are you the youngest sibling?

I'm the youngest, and I've always also had bad, bad, bad neglection selection. You know what I mean? What do you mean? It just was, I just was not like a. Neglected, not selected? I was neglected, not selected. Yeah, totally. I heard on your special, you talk about, you call like your sister a c**t and stuff.

She went through the program that I'm going to go through through and now she kind of rules really yeah this i like this used to suck and now she we like hung out the other day and it was chill now this retreat is like they give you like smoothies and they basically are like they make you look into the eye of the devil they make you like look at what happened to you as a child and really face it, I guess. And I for years have been like gay, that's dumb. Who cares? I am what I am. Like is someone going to dress up like a lesbian and have you like yell at them like they're your mom?

I don't know. But that would be, I have no idea. My sister hasn't disclaimed like the whole thing. Okay. I like that too where she's like not going to give it away. She's like just do it. And she came out and was like, before she had this like TJ Maxx angry cunt vibe. And now she has this like chill, like even her house has like watercolors that for the kid is out now. And like, it's less like, why did you put that there? Don't

put that. And I'm like, oh, I'm going to do this shit. Now. Okay. When you're on the on cycle with this guy, is it affecting your career? Are you writing the same amount or are you not? I have missed gigs. I have been, I have gone up. I mean, I literally called Duncan the other day and was like, I have to record a podcast in five minutes and I'm hyperventilating and had to like get it together. And there's an entire podcast right now where we had Jeremiah on

where I am just, you can just see tears coming behind my sunglasses. I was like, what the frick is going on? Yeah. I've had into every airport I've been dumped in. So I'm like, I'll go to the LA airport and be like, I was dumped right here that. So every weekend is tainted by, I hate this for you. I hate this. But it's also, it's also, I, the thing that you have to remember is I am choosing it. So I am like, yeah, something stable scares the shit out of me. Okay. Yes, you are.

I see how you're saying that you're choosing it, but I also like, and maybe again, this is like in the light of Matthew Perry and like consuming all of his content and stuff. Like he, I am, he's so open about addiction and he's so open about saying like, this is a disease.

I did not choose this and I'm just trying to put all these puzzle pieces together with this other person in my life and a similar thing and I'm like maybe when I'm begging her to stop going back to this guy maybe I'm talking to a drug addict who cannot it's definitely similar yeah I almost killed my friend's cat over a guy I was anxiously attached to. Really? I forgot I was cat sitting. I was just at this guy's house. Totally.

That has happened to me. Do you like me? Do you like me? He wouldn't tell me to leave and I wasn't going to leave. So I was just waiting. It's crazy. You lose sleep. You realize that you've just expedited an entire amount of time because you've just

been obsessing about this one thing. And to be fair, I'm like very obsessive compulsive. So it's not that. If it's not that, it's something else. But that something else could be comedy or exercise or taking care of myself. It definitely has a negative impact. When things are good, I crush on stage. But that's like a tiny percentage.

Are you trying to like fix him too? Like his problems with committing to you? Like in your head, are you like, it's a problem he has that he can't every time he comes back he's like I got it I got it now but are you like because I had a guy where I was like oh he just has these problems and I could just fix them and then he'll see that I'm like the best every time I would try to do something because I knew I was suffering like I knew I was like sick at that moment with this like I did feel sick I didn't feel like sick. It's mentally. And so I would like go do like breath work or yoga or go to a meditation class. And every time I would have

like a good feeling, I'd be like, I got to show him this. Oh, like I would go to, I would defer to him. You wanted him to experience what you were experiencing. But I was like, oh, this will help him. Like I was like, it was almost like everything was set up so I didn't have to like heal whatever was happening to me. And I was like, I was using him to like project onto him. It doesn't sound exactly the same to what you're going through. Yeah, mine is more like if I just stay myself, he'll eventually realize that life is better with me around. So then I would show up and be like, I have period cramps and feel like I'm dying and have the flu, but I'm going to be my best self. So you see, and then I would just

like exhaust myself and trying to be and then I just gave that up and I was like whatever I'm just gonna be myself and things were good for a while but eventually when his like avoidant thing and he was like I don't know if I want to do that that's when I'm like I need reassurance and he'd be like I can't give it to you and I'd be like I'm freaking out and he'd be like that's okay we can break up and I'm like I don't want to do that no I know and they do the thing where they don't give you what you want at all and they're just like but I told you the truth and you're like but why do you keep getting back with me yeah I also am anxious avoid it and so like I'll whenever I'm you know feeling like not getting the connection I want

with every guy I've ever been with I'm like maybe we should break up and then those few times where they're like okay okay, that happened early on with Dave. And I think I've told you this. I was like, no, no, no, no, wait, wait. Like immediately I was like, no, no, no. And he was like, okay, fine. I have so many, so many moments where I'm like, I'm leaving. And then I'm slowly walking to the door and I'm like, oh my God, I left my, I left my son. Did you run away when you were a kid? Oh. And no one noticed? Yeah, I did. You're so little. It's hard.

Now, were you actually raised, do you have two moms or? Three. I have, it's so crazy. My mom and my dad. We need to book the studio another three hours today. One for each mother. It's a lot. I mean, it's like two and a stepmom.

So it's like my mom was married to my dad. They met playing rugby. Shocker that she's gay. My mom was racquetball. Racquetball. Very gay. They had a construction business together. They split up.

When? When did they split up? I was two. So it was her fault. So it was my fault, yes. It was. I mean, it wasn't. That's so funny that you really do think it is your fault.

I mean. No, you really, really do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a little part of it. But fault. It was. It really, I mean, it wasn't, but they were going to put up with it. That's so funny that you really do think it is your fault. I mean. No, you really, really do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a little part of it. But you have a sibling. It's the sibling's fault too. It's my stoner dad's fault. He smoked weed constantly and wanted like a farm life.

And my mom was like, I don't want to be a farm. She was like, I want pussy. Yeah. And then she left. She still dated men. And then she met Michelle who became Michelle was like the first introduction of like oh that's what

like a mom is oh that's really yes and I was like a thousand pound mall goth disgusting you know

self cuts everywhere I thought they had a picture and I was like I will kill myself I was like that is crazy we got one ready for you yeah

they don't exist they've all been burnt in a with me I have some pictures that is crazy. We got one ready for you. Yeah. They don't exist. They've all been burnt with me. I have some pictures that don't exist of myself too. So I feel, yeah. That's the closest I can get to understanding when people are like, it's my dead name. I'm like, oh yeah, I have one of those. Yeah, I've always been really cute. One time I showed Dave a picture of me in college and I was like, I go, look at my cousin.

Don't we look so much alike? He's like, yeah, you guys do. And I'm like, that's me, you asshole. But I was unrecognizable. Oh my God. He must be like, he's in hell with you. What do you mean? Just these little twists and turns and tricks.

He doesn't actually get in trouble. It's like, you know what I mean? Like my tricks are such jokes that. That's my twin brother. Why were you a hot slut? I was a hot slut. I was, I was 14. Fuck off. But see, then there's like that when I was a hot slut. I was. I was 14. Fuck off.

But see, then there's like that when I was 14, 15, maybe 15. You look like an adult. I know. They really did adult me fast. Like Britney Spears. You look like a Maxim model. What were you doing? That was the year I was getting my last birthday.

Your brother's just getting hard, the poor thing. I mean, that's fucked up. Look up pictures of me in New Girl. You don't look bad. I just like seeing you. This was like I was on my way out of my college look. Cute. She looks so cute.

You look really cute. I don't know, you guys. She looks like Stella before her second divorce. Stella's our producer going through her second divorce. I've seen you talk about this a little bit, and I want to ask you about it, that you kind of have this life theory,, this hypothesis that like being a woman is bad. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

And I want to know what you mean. Like, what's that about? Yeah. So I'm working. So like the whole hour that I'm about to record here pretty soon is about how. You just didn't know. I know. I know.

I know. I already have one. I know. I know. It's going to be sick to my stomach. I know. I'm sorry. She already has a new one.

Because I'm depressed. Yeah. She gets, she's getting dumped every once in a while. Yeah, bro. I'm getting dumped. And, and I, so yeah, the whole hour I'm working on is how like being a woman is just like inherently, like it just does suck. And it's all about, you know, like how everybody has always been like, you're a lesbian, you're

a lesbian. I'm like, I'm not. This is actually what a woman would look like if they weren't insane I mean that which sounds insane because I'm insane but so it's like a lot of because I used to be a contractor and stuff and people are like oh you're like a dude and I'm like no men should or women should be like dudes like we do everything you know what I mean like we have all of the and I'm talking about how like our entire like I just think it's crazy that like we get our like our whole psyche is built around a cycle and then we get and then we get shamed for being people who like loop and obsess and are crazy and I'm like yeah it sucks to be trapped in an endless cycle we don't get to escape it

motherfucker you know making that realization the past few years that it's none of this is all out of our control it's like all based on your mood is just what day of your cycle are you on and it's also when you feel it you're like this is truth like how i'm feeling totally yeah and then you don't want to say like have you in the relations where the guys are like are you in your period and you're like you like just started spotting but you're like no yeah no like i might have to hide my period from him for one full week like you're like the relationship where the guys are like, are you on your period? And you're like, you like just started spotting, but you're like, no. Yeah. No,

like, am I going to have to hide my period from him for one full week? Like, you're like, that's not what it is. I'm actually really pissed at you. And you are pissed. And they are being a fucking asshole. It's like,

I'm just not, I'm not like in the part of my cycle where I can refrain from being pissed at you for being an asshole right now. And that's what my friend says. She goes, she, she read some article that was basically from this doctor who was like, you know what you are a no for before your period like you know what is your boundary is and the

rest of the month you're kind of just like able to break that boundary right so it's not like you're like it's not like you're a different person being like I don't like when you do this you're just like I now have the courage because I'm at my level it's like if you're dating somebody who smokes weed all the time and finally you get your period. It's like if you're dating somebody who smokes weed all the time and you finally get your period and you're like, dude, you're fucking high all the time. It's not like the next week you're like, I love weed. I love that. You know, you're like, I do. That does bother me. You know, Esther was like, it's, I just want to get old. So I don't get my period. I'm like, there's menopause. It's like, I think way worse. Is that true? I was just thinking

about that escape plan that I have or just like get the uterus taken out. I think once you're like through menopause, I think you're chill, right? Okay. I have all of the tricks of the trade because I want to be like, I think being a man is so sick. Like they just live linearly. Like they just are like this. That's how they view things. They compartmentalize.

It's very. Yeah, they compartmentalize. They move it over here. They're moving forward. They're looking. They're searching. They're way more able to be in the moment because that's how they view things. They compartmentalize. It's very. Yeah, they compartmentalize. They move it over here. They're moving forward. They're looking, they're searching. They're way more able to be in the moment because that's like what their biology says. Whereas ours is like protect,

which is great because it means that if I'm your friend, I will truly be, I have, it's so much easier for me to be your friend than it is for a guy in your life. Like they have to learn that. But that sounds like a burden for you. But it feels good. Cause like we'll probably,

when they will die, they will have a gag for you. But it feels good because like we'll probably, when they will die, they will have a gaggle of women around us being like, one, two, three, die. And they'll be alone. So there are good parts of it. And it's also parts where it's like the feeling that you get is probably there are probably more vivid colors at times and all this shit. But I have like tried to train it so my cycle is as close to a man's. Like right before my period,

the Prozac goes up. Really? Yeah, anything that, yeah. Wait, you guys are doing that? Like I, yeah, my psychiatrist, she's amazing. She gives, she's like, you should take an extra 10 milligram when you're, when you have your period.

Yeah, hell yeah. I take an extra 10 milligram. I didn't know you could like. Bottle. Yeah, I double it. And now do you smoke weed? I don't smoke weed. Weed would be good for me, but weed, I get panic attacks.

I'm very person who's like, if there was a knife sitting there, it would bother me. I would be constantly wondering if I was just going to stab my leg with it. So when I smoke weed, I'm like, what if I bit my tongue off right now? What if I give that a shot? Gotcha. Okay, we'll keep that away from you. Yeah, like airplanes, if I'm next to the emergency exit thing, problem.

Problem. I think it can't open. I think I heard that. Yeah. There actually was a guy recently who did open it, and I've never resonated with a person more. That's so funny. I know. And you know he just did it.

They asked him. They're like, why did you do it? And he goes, I was feeling really anxious. And I was like, buddy, tell me about that. And he's just sitting in the chair like this as the plane is like, it's like wide open. And he's like, and I was like buddy tell me about it and he's just sitting in the chart like this as the plane is like it's like wide open he's like and I'm like yeah it is interesting how few plane freak outs there are and like

because now that everyone's filming on their phone like you know that we're seeing the ones that are existing like we're seeing all of them like the lady wears like the one that's no one's there like that should be happening all the time or just somebody being like stop the plane stop the plane pull over the plane. Pull over. That's what I'm always afraid of, that I'm going to freak out and be like,

dude, you guys have to land this or I'm going to have to eject myself. And then I end up getting up so panicked. I fainted on a plane one time because I panicked myself. Luckily, I'll just faint. If I panic enough, I'll just pass out. No, you faint a lot. Is it embarrassing to wake up from a faint? Yeah, because sometimes I sweat through my clothes so much

and I don't know if I peed my pants or sweat through my clothes. Is it like seizure style? Like you just come to and you're like... No, it's like I drift. Everything goes white. I drift off and then I open my eyes and they're like, the plane is landing. And I'm like, fuck.

I'm glad I kept breathing. And the person next to me is like this. And I'm like, I'm sorry for whatever I did. Sorry for whatever I did. But when you faint in public, do you fall to the ground like do you have do you like faint no no once you are know you're a fainter you know when it's coming and then you get yourself down okay and you like the only time I fainted was at my dad's like office party when I was 11 I was huffing helium and I it was at an ice skating rink so I was on ice skates and I was just huffing the shit out of

helium balloons and then all of a sudden I was just like looking at skates like I was just huffing the shit out of helium balloons. And then all of a sudden I was just like looking at skates. Like I was on the ground. Yeah. That's passing out, passing out rules. Fainting is like, you think you're going to throw up. Everything gets white. The ringing in your ear goes. And then your thoughts start racing so fast that you're the only thing and the sweat starts dripping. And then the only thing you can do is pray that you faint because you're in such a hell. And are we night sweaters? I mean, i mean yeah i mean i'm just in a puddle of sweat i only when i'm sick but i love it oh you would be so cute like a little puddle i love waking up sweaty little's puddle she's so little because then you're like oh that was productive like i released toxins adorable i am night sweating all the time and i was like oh my god am i like going to be one of

these like early menopause bitches and then I got tested and they're like no you're just anxious it's anxiety yeah the whole being a woman sucking thing I also have been asking a lot of men who've seen The Hour and they say it doesn't suck to watch it because it's also very silly and disgusting it doesn't suck to be a woman

because I was like is this hour only are women going to love this and men and they're like no it's disgusting I mean is this hour only are women going to love this and men? And they're like, no, it's disgusting. I mean, I talk about like cats being sluts and stuff. Like there's, but I am, I am like the hour is like you must. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. Are we going to deep throw this or something?

Are we going to Liz-o-me? It's, yeah, we're going to fire. You can't be on the tour. Oh, because. We've put these in our vaginas. Oh, okay, okay. But if I eat it, I can stay. Now, do you think she had unpeeled it?

It was peeled. I think that it went into somebody's vagina. It came out and Lizzo was like, eat that shit. And she was like, what? And she was like, seriously, eat it. And I think that she meant peel it and eat it. Yeah, which is nothing. It's nothing, but it's also like testament to how crazy fame is,

where you get to a point where you're like, and eat it in front of me. That's a little bit like a king telling its servants to do something. I don't think I want it today. Do you guys always eat a banana? This probably keeps your Patreon numbers up, you know what I mean? All right, look, I'm going to be honest.

I've just been watching my brothers and my boyfriends do fantasy sports and do all, I was like, what are you guys doing? And then I realized there's money involved.

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Esther and I role play. She is my business manager. I worry about you not checking your credit card statements. I worry about your spending. She worries about me, but worry no more because Rocket Money has me. And let me tell you something. I did find once that I had two Apple IDs and I was Oh no. I was subscribed. I was subscribed to the same apps on twice. No. Okay. And did I know, did I check anything? No. But guess who told me Rocket Money? You guys, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills all in one place. With over

5 million users and counting, Rocket Money has helped save customers an average of $720 a year and 1 billion in total savings so far. And that was just my accounts. It has helped save customers an average of $720 a year and $1 billion in total savings so far. And that was just my accounts. It has helped us both so much. They set it up for us to forget. They set it up so you sign up and then you forget about it. This is the move. They go, oh, do your free trial.

Oh, just one week. You can do this. And I'm like, oh, cancel tomorrow. There's no tomorrow. Okay, there's never a tomorrow. I never remember. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way

by going to rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. That's rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. Rocketmoney.com slash trash Tuesday. Would you rather have a partner with a micropenis or a partner with a huge member that you can't have sex with anally and vaginally? Vaginally? What, and my jaw is going to be able to take it?

Yeah, like you can... I think it's more, what's their sex drive? Are they wanting me to bang them all the time, but it's too big? Because that is not good. Somebody had a bad time. Listen, but it's too big? Because that is not good. Somebody had a bad time. Listen, sometimes it's a chore. But so you can't bang it or you're having sex with a micropenis. Yeah.

I honestly just feel bad for micropenises. I think micropenises are more likely to kill us. So I think we need to just say we love micropenises. We're so happy you guys are here. And please don't buy and exchange them. Please subscribe to the Patreon. I don't necessarily have a problem with that. Like, I don't I don't want to say too much because it like it's from a past relationship.

But like, it's not that bad. You had a micro penis guy? Yeah, I think so. Because you're so small. And I have a micro vagina. I think that they're good at sex because they really care. They're good at eating pussy. I think there's things that can be done and that it's actually like totally enjoyable.

I know that might seem crazy if you're a big dick girly. The question is micro or zero penis? Micro or way too large. Like hurts going in, hurts going out. Micro is such an easy choice for me it's so easy oh wow i do not feel that way way too big is so fun because it's like it's like a cold plunge right where you're like i'm gonna fucking die dude at the end you're like i survived that it's just but that's what i mean like where it's like because obviously like a huge cock's fun

but it's like we're together forever yes i a huge cock's fun, but it's like, we're together forever. Yes. I got to, every day, I got to deal with this. No, your pussy going to get bigger. Because, yeah, all of a sudden, it fits, and you go, whoops. Yeah, but that, I think. It's been a thin shrink. But then you have a kid, it flops onto the floor.

Well, did you ever use the Diva Cup? Yes. When they change sizes on you, it's like, you turn 30, and they're like, oh, either you've had a kid or you're 30. And I was like, you're saying my 30-year-old vagina is the same size as having a baby? No. It's so fucked up. But I guess maybe. I like, even when I'm watching porn and it's like a big D, I like have to turn it off because I just like, ow, ow, ow, ow.

This is a three little bears thing. Tiny girl says tiny. You're like, eh. And I'm like, ow, ow, ow, ow. This is a three little bears thing. Tiny girl says tiny. You're like, eh. And I'm like, big dick. But that doesn't mean. I've just been in, I've been in hell with a big dick before. I'm not trying to act like my vagina. I think our vaginas are all the same size.

Like, I don't think it's like that. I think it's personal preference. I think mine is quite long. I couldn't touch the strings of my IUD. Oh, I couldn't either. Yeah. Oh, you couldn't? Yeah, our cervix are high.

Can you take a big old hog? Get over here. No. Yeah, I think the pain is no pain, no gain, you know? Yeah. And there are a couple dudes where I've been like, your dick is so big that this actually wouldn't be a good time for me, and I'm imagining that dude.

And I think there's something cool about being like, I can't, I can't, it's too much, too big big it's too big as opposed to being like throw it in or like having to like like build them up like building up a micro like having to be like no it's okay and you just don't talk about it I mean I've had two micropenises in my life okay and they one didn't acknowledge it but it was very good at going like I, I mean, he was just immediately, like, being an excellent mouth guy. And then the other one, like, acknowledged it so fast. It was, like, weird.

It was, like, it's small. Okay. Imagine, let's do a demonstration. Okay. I'm the man. Imagine I'm the man and I have a micropenis. Okay. I can't imagine you not having one, okay?

You're like, easy, okay? Like, imagine if I put my penis in you and even though it's – I couldn't feel it. And even though it's really tiny, I'm just like – No, but it's not – Wait, wait. Oh, like lumping my clit? Yeah.

You're the man right now? Just there's things – like, just look at my hips and what I'm doing. Like, tell me that you don't think that by the way he's climbing on me you're so cute is he microman too is he the same

koala is he the same size the way she moves so slowly and she's like just imagine I'm the man he's like a regular size man but you're laying down

you're laying down in that it's a great thrash the way she approached so gently it was like a baby koala but it's like are you turned on at all? I don't think.

One to 10, are you turned on by me at all? I'm in like analytical thoughts now. I'm like trying to think because I'm like. Zero. It's a negative. But no, it was cute. I would try to grab your ass to make myself hard. No, it's like.

Okay, so the first guy I hooked up with in college who had, who very much worshipped me. Nice. That was like weird. But he was like kind of tough because of it, I think. So he would never have been like. Because it was small.

Yeah. I think he was trying to be more, but it just was, it was like a suction. There was nothing. Suction. I think he just didn't know what he was. I think if he had training.

If somebody, if a guy came in and was like, my dick is tiny, but I have this sword. I'm going to fuck you. Not a sword, but like a dildo. And they were like, I'm going to lay it down. Don't worry about this little guy.

He's going to watch. And they were funny about it. It's fine. But they wouldn't carry shame. And that's scary. What? Yeah, it's like a micro. No.

Yes, you guys. That is what a micropenis is. It was like two number two pencil erasers fused together i'm gonna say micro penis should be coming to ableist it is it should almost be called like we should almost say tiny penises and then micro is like saying that somebody has like cerebral palsy like you just wouldn't he has like yeah no it felt like this guy has like a something like up with him yeah give me his penis and one night with you. I feel like you already have it. Having to blow a little penis? No, it's so weird.

And the balls are regular? It's so weird. Are the balls regular? What? That's a great question. The balls were regular, yeah. Would you rather your partner wake up every morning

and belch directly in your face or fart directly in your face? Belch. Every morning. Fart directly in your face? Belch. Every morning. Fart. In your face? Belch is disgusting. Dave's breath is way worse

than any other body part, for sure. Farts are so disgusting. Farts are the funniest thing. Me and Duncan were farting yesterday for three hours on the floor, laughing so hard. I think farts are, I do not think that there is something funnier than farts.

Fart comedy is good. Wait, I have the complete opposite. I think farts are, I do not think that there is something funnier than farts. Fart comedy is good. Wait, I have the complete opposite. I think farts are not funny and I'm like strict about it. I think farts, I have a friend who's like that. It's so mean to be strict about a thing that's like a bodily function too.

Farts are not comedy. If you heard my mom's farts, they have words. They're like, they're like that. My mom's, yeah, my mom has ass flappers. The ass flappers are on. She, it's like, I'm like that. My mom's, yeah, my mom has ass flappers. The ass flappers are on.

It's like, I'm like, I'm always trying to figure out, because of like her ass is big and it's like the meat hitting, like the meat of the cheek. Just loose over the years. Imagine pushing poop out for 60 years. So it's like, it's crazy. You can hear them from like. They have vowels. Like they're like. I always say the chandelier shake in the neighbor's house it's

the best or when like you know so i farted the other day and my feature was like that was a shower fart but you're not in the shower that's like a huge issue yeah and i was like that's so funny that you know that's a shower fart that is a shower fart it grosses you out i just don't think it's funny or a form of entertainment she She is fart level though, so she's traumatized. Is it the smell? I just think that like lowbrow. People think farting is funny and I don't. And that's it. Like there's nothing more. I want to know how that's possible. Okay. Ian on the plane farts and he becomes enemy number one. Like it's a huge issue for everybody on the plane. Okay. And it's like people are literally like looking at the, my, our producer and is like,

do you know him? And he has to lie and be like, I don't know this guy. Is he farting loudly? No, they're always silent. You can fart on a plane. Planes are a great place to fart. You can't do it.

I've yelled at people for that. I turned around and I said, you don't have to say who you are, but whoever is farting right now, stop it. You did not do that. Yes. What are you supposed to do?

Yeah, you got to fart. If you're stuck there, it's like open tunnel and someone just keeps going. I'll fart on stage. I'll be crop dusting the audience the whole time too. I fart on airplanes and it's a problem for myself because it is contained. Well, it does suck when you're like, ooh, this is obviously me. You're like, ooh, this didn't spread out at all. I hate when I smell one on the plane, though.

I do not like when you're taking a word out of one. I've told this story before, but Esther and I were on a plane together going to Montreal, and there was a guy had shit his pants in front of us, and it was one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. Like, for sure. We thought it was a kid. It was like a whole—there was pictures, video. Like, a man definitely shit his pants in front of us for a long flight. Everyone was like, everyone was talking about it, not to him, but like around him about it.

You could smell out of water shit? It was bad. You know what's the worst is when you step in dog shit and then you smell like shit the whole day. It's like that, there's no worse feeling. I hate poop, but I think farts are i think she starts judging you she's like oh poop poop is bad no i mean i hate smelling like poop i hate smelling poop i hate smelling like it's so scary but when somebody goes in the bathroom and stall next to you and they sit down they just let out like a that doesn't get you a little bit

i'm telling you my mom's always doing it too like every time i've gone to the bathroom my mom she's just like farting so loud she She like had a roommate for this, this retreat she was going on and she was just farting so loudly the whole time. And that her roommate like didn't think it was funny at all, but it was like too late. She had already, one of my best friends, I'll fart.

And I would like look at her and she's like, she'll just keep talking. I'm like, how is that? She doesn't want to like encourage it. She doesn't, she just says like, I don't think it's funny.

And I'm in the middle of a sentence and I keep going. But I'm like crying, laughing. There's something about it that is like. Do you fart in front of the guy that dumps you all the time? Never. But that's the other thing is I realized that's unacceptable. Because I think farts are great. And he just thought they were not funny at all.

And I was like, like he would fart. He's not for you. Oh, he would fart and it was okay? Well, you know how men just can't not fart. We cannot fart. We have a magical butthole that can do that. But he would fart and be like, oh, sorry, I would fart. He's not for you. Oh, he would fart and it was okay? Well, you know how men just can't not fart? We cannot fart. We have a magical butthole that can do that. But he would fart and be like, oh, sorry, I farted. And I'd be like.

Also, every guy I know and have ever dated has had to take a shit basically on the first date at our house. At my house. Every time. I can't tell you. My one boyfriend that I lived with for three years, he, like like forgot to flush his toilet the first time I went to his house. Like who does that? And he was a very clean guy. So it was weird.

Did you say something? Were you like, oh. I was like, do you live in fucking shit in here? Yeah, of course I said something. I was like, are you kidding me? But he also, I saw, I've told this story too, but his mom like was staying with us once. And she came out of the shower and she was wearing robe, and she didn't realize what she was doing, but she, like, lifted her robe up to show us.

Like, she was talking about, like, how her niece is, like, a tomboy and lifts her skirt up. Oh. But she didn't realize that she was completely bushed out. Oh, God. Nice. Her vag was, like, in our... And it was, like, one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me.

I had a mom walk in while I was blowing her son. Oh, my. How old were you? That's not that bad. To high school. That's pretty bad. I was sitting on the couch and he was like facing me here and I was blowing him and she came yeah I think a mom walking in

I'm kind of like that's fine but then he did a somersault he got so scared when he hurt her he got so scared when he heard her coming down the stairs that he flipped out did a somersault over me so I was just standing there like oh no okay. When I, when I was the guy lost my virginity to lived in the basement of his house and, um, he would pull his, he wore saggy pants and he'd pull them, just pull his penis out the front to have sex with me. But I would be fully naked and fully naked 14 year old with nipple rings on this water bed. And his laundry was the laundry room was like across the hall and his mom just had a curtain, not a door for him. So he'd hear her coming down the stairs and he would just hop off and pull his pants up. And then I'm just fully

naked. Oh yeah. I'm just a naked girl. He's fully clothed. I'm just totally naked. That's fucked. Yeah. I've definitely had that. We're like, how does this help in any way? I also hate that now I'm like, I know that you're hard just talking to your mom, which is crazy. You know what I mean? Like you're just like- They're like blue balls and talking to their mom.

Yeah, I'm like, oh. Would you rather have two long teeth like a beaver or no teeth at all? Two beaver teeth. I would like that immediately. Let's get me them now. I almost, I don't know. I like big teeth.

I love big teeth. It's a sign of a sociopath. Would you rather listen to an annoying laugh for 24 hours straight or get tickled for an hour? Tickled for an hour. 24 hours of anything will make me lose my mind. I don't want to get tickled. I'm also not ticklish. Oh, trick question. You're not ticklish. No. You are psychotic. I know. Well, I got tickled. You got tickled out of you? Well, when you're not tickled as a kid, you're not ticklish. Really? No.

I don't know if that's true. It's not a sensation. Have you ever gotten a massage, like a professional massage? Yes, all the time. And there's never been any moment when they've got a spot where you're like, oh! Oh, for sure. Yes, for sure. Definitely.

It exists. The reflex. I'm not a dead. Between your legs, it gets a little tickly. Like if they touch your feet. Yeah, when they start raping me. When he starts eating my ass, then I'm like, whoa. I did go to a late night one once where the guy was like, and I was like, oh, of course this was that.

Was I friends with you then? Yeah. You said he was like opening your butt. He kept opening my asshole, yeah. Yeah, that's always crazy. But I was like, oh my God, they have massages 24 hours? I was like, that's so awesome. I would so fall for that too. I was like, this is incredible. It was only $20. I've wanted them to fuck me before. Like, I've been in a massage at a place

that I know, it's not like a rub and tug, but it's like, it could be. And I've been like, bro, you could, he got so aggressive with me that I was like, this dude could fuck me right now and I would pay for it. I do think that they are always dumb. Yeah, but you can't. You're a woman. It just isn't done.

Isn't that crazy? Or just like get a wooden thing and shove it in me. You've just riled me up to an insane... Get a gua sha that's a dick shaped. Get a goddamn dick gua sha. I will never do a male masseuse again. I'll never do it either.

I'm literally being Harvey Weinstein. I don't get any movie out of it. I know that do it. Yeah, it's really. It's just like I'm literally being Harvey Weinstein. I know that. I don't get any movie out of it. I know that's like discrimination, but I'm not. It's not discrimination. Well, male masseuses, like they need work too. Well, massage a guy. Yeah.

What if you knew the guy was gay? Gay people sometimes can be more touchy than straight people. I actually just don't. It's like not almost sometimes. For me, I just don't want a man touching me it doesn't matter his does this bother you would you yes would you have a role play with your significant others like masseuse and client i think i i think that i mean just to get him to give me a massage yeah totally yeah you're totally getting blown after this i promise just finish the massage no like you massage him and then he's like

whoops sorry that's awesome I want to do that right now yeah I'm down that sounds great I love role playing I watch massage porn a lot

same really? oh yeah it's the best really? yeah where the massage comes in and he's like oh you got a lot of work to do

and then he starts fucking her what are we doing? in the gay world it'll be like it'll be like a couples massage are you gay? oh yeah wow super I have a gay be like a couple's massage. Are you gay? Oh, yeah.

Wow. I have a gaydar, like a heat-seeking missile, and I had you guys switched. That's what was going on. Oh, you don't get gay from me at all? Not even a fucking hair, my guy. Interesting. I get super straight from you and gay from you. That's because he's trying to get straight, guys.

Yeah, I'm gay. You're killing it. Every gay guy wants to bang yes yeah the people that he get i mean the guys fuck yeah oh yeah no really there's no like bro he doesn't know how to act this is so funny they're the hottest people plus he speaks french so they're just creaming their pants whoa i don't care about french looking gay men do i guess i don't give a shit about i love when there's a straight gay guy i don't care about French. Look at you. Amen to it, I guess. I don't give a shit about French. I love when there's a straight gay guy. I love it. I don't like, if a guy tries to pull out French on me, I'm like, get the hell out of here.

I go. Wait, why do you speak French? My family, we're French Moroccan. Oh my God. I mean, I want to fuck you. I'm not even getting a little. What do we got for shoe wear? Really, nothing's giving it away?

A guy pulling out his second language to try to impress me is never going to happen. I would never do that. If you're like, we're at dinner and you just start speaking. You take me to a French restaurant, Julian, and you just start speaking full. I'm like, I'm out. I go to the bathroom. I leave. I leave.

I did that with him and I was like, this is how he gets all the guys. Listen, as a friend, very impressed. You get icked out too easily. No. It's trying friend very impressed you get icked out too easily no yes it's trying too hard I get icked out if a guy says ciao

we're done dude yeah it's over this is you guys I don't like this if a guy's hands are weird do you want to know what she do you want to know

what she said was bad what if a guy's wearing shitty like sandals like gross shoes I'm done she was like that's horrible

I'm like there's a specific type of flip flops no no not flip flops I hate flip flops was like, that's horrible. I'm like, there's a specific type of, no, no, no, not flip flops. I hate flip flops. There's like, flip flops, maybe you're like a skater, surfer,

something's happening. Okay, okay. There's a thing that can be attached to it. There's a type of fucking sandal that is like flat. They're like Jesus sandals. There's like a toe.

It's like one toe is covered and then it's a straight line. I'm not interested. I can't get on board with this. She was like, you're crazy. I'm like, this is not crazy. That does sound gross, but you can change a person's shoes. No,

you can't. That's who they are. You can change a little bit of a shoe, but like Esther, a guy's wearing those and you're fine. I can do a Teva. I can crush a Teva. No, but Teva's kind of came back in. There's like a specific, I'm telling you, it's like, it's a You're talking about guys with, it's like leather. Yeah, and you're like, and you've only seen him and his face is kind of cute back in. There's like a specific, I'm telling you, it's like, it's a- You're talking about guys who have, it's like leather. Yeah, and you're like, and you've only seen him and his face is kind of cute.

So you're like, oh, okay. And then you go, you're not hot. Let me tell you the shoe that you'll hate. Look up. That shoe. That shoe is, you cannot bounce back from that. There's a thing in your head that thought that was okay that I can't get on board with. What about guys who have leather Chelsea boot, but almost like a pointed toe?

No, I used to like- But you're gay. You are gay. That's different. Now I know you're gay. That shit, I can't. This is like, I cannot. I'm like, I don't know what is going on in your life that allowed you to do this.

I just think we're all getting icked out too easily. I think it's a cultural problem. I think that we just talk about it now. If I saw that shoe, I'd be like, we're all getting icked out too easily. I think it's a cultural problem. I think that we just talk about it now. If I saw that shoe, I'd be like, we're never going to be friends. I know that about us. Yeah. It's like if somebody's like— It's too far of a leap.

Like, I've had guys that are just like, they're very, like, smart or funny. Like, something else is happening, so their brains aren't thinking about shoes. I don't get it. And their shoes aren't bad, but they're still sneakers or something. They're not, like, they're not good, but it's like, oh, I'm just going to get him Jordans, or I'm just going to, like, I'll just, like, fix that a little bit. That is a different breed of, that is a man, he's, that's not for me. That is Russell Brand.

That is guy who's, like. That is Russell Brand. Yeah. That is Russell Brand. What if it was, like, a hot Italian guy? No. Nope. No?

That's like, it's a guy who has like a ponytail and he like wears linen all the time and he like thinks that he like. It's not okay. He teaches yoga maybe. He says stuff like, oh, I want you to be a part of my tribe. You know? I'm pretty certain Jared Leto has worn those.

And I, but listen, I only like Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano and I've been on record saying that over and over again. And Jordan Catalano would not have been caught dead in those. I've seen him in real life once I saw him at Cafe Gratitude. Are you the same size as him? He's small, right? No, he's big. He was sitting.

I think he's big though. But I was like, that is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. It was like weird. Yeah. But as Jordan Catalano. I'll date an abusive person, but if they have that shoe, it's done. And I've dressed men. I've had men that I'm like, okay, you need my help.

I've taken men shopping. I've done that a bunch of times. That's a fedora. That's a fedora. It's a fedora. It's a choice that should never. And you don't want to change someone who dresses like that. Yeah, it's a psychological.

That's the type of person they are. And it's like, I don't even want to change them. I don't like hats in general. Any kind of flat hat, I don't like. Maybe someone who dresses like that that's the type of person they are and it's like I don't even want to change them I don't like hats in general any kind of flat hat I don't like maybe I am part of the problem I will fuck a man in a cowboy hat

I like hats yeah I like hats what about the brimmed like LA ones that are like oh I call those like a famous dad I always go

do you have a famous dad yes nice but now everyone has them now because it's like a famous dad hat like Pharrell not the giant one but yeah kind of like

but now everyone has those but it was like it was just sort of like oh you would have to have the confidence of a famous father oh yeah no the thing with hats is I do like a cowboy hat but beyond cowboy hat like a big hat it's they're so inconvenient that it's like dude I'll do a trucker hat a five panel but I like hat I like baseball hats that That's unacceptable. That man's disgusting. That's not okay, yeah. That's a horrendous man. Really? Yeah. Get rid of that. Wow. I like cowboy hats, but I like a baseball hat. You like cowboy hats?

I like a baseball hat. I like the you know the. Imagine Todd in a cowboy hat. He wears them all the time. Todd and I do hallucinogens. There's always a cowboy hat. Yeah. Cowboy hat with a bolo? What are we doing? That's great. Yeah, that's a lot. Belt buckle? I like a nice belt buckle. Oh my God, Jordan. I have a guy for you.

Who is it? Is it Ian because we're not going to date and he's already my podcast. Do you think Ian wants to date you or no? Ian has the he's also anxiously attached, which I'm not attracted to. So we're both codependent. Yeah, you're both the same. Yeah. And when somebody, I become avoidant when somebody's like that like I become like

it's so cruel it's really so cruel the way it works it's actually I remember dating a guy where I was really dating down and I and he was kind of like not like he was being he wasn't being rude to me but he like he would say no to me sometimes and I'd be like he's not choosing me like triggered my not choosing thing so I thought he was like dating other's not choosing me. It like triggered my not choosing thing. So I thought he was like dating other, like not into me or whatever. And then he wrote me like a love letter and I was like, I'm out. He wrote me like a long DM. I was like, whoo, I'm out. Like I misread it. I thought you were being aloof. You were just like managing your feelings about me. And the minute I knew it was in me, I was like, goodbye. And guys don't get mad at me. This is, we're talking about how crazy we are. This is not like, I feel like there's so many people that hear, so many people are talking

about what they like. So many women are talking about what they like now that guys get so mad. Like, well, what are we supposed to make? I don't know. Be yourself. And then find someone that likes that one. Honestly. And I don't even think it's about like we're being too picky anymore.

Like what you, to go back to what you said, I think it's just a matter of like people have to remember that they just have to find the person that matches that personality. Cause like, like, like Jordan, you have every right for someone to laugh at a fart joke, right? Like not be annoyed at it. You know, we all have that right to want. This is such a cute little speech. You have the right. It's true though. I know it is. But I also think, okay, so if I met this like amazing guy and he had, he was wearing those sandals, I would be able to, he would come to me, okay, if this was the right guy for me, and he would go, my luggage was stolen.

Yeah, yeah. These are fucking disgusting. I'm an idiot. Like, he would know. Or he would be like, I was thinking about them in Johnny Depp, and you're like, dude, no, these are Orlando Bloom, dog. You know? And he'd be like, oh.

Yeah, it's like Orlando Bloom, I love Katy Perry. Orlando Bloom could not come know? And he'd be like, oh. Yeah, it's like Orlando Bloom. Like, I love Katy Perry. Orlando Bloom could not come near me. Never. And I know he's physically, like, it's just something. He's a m'lady, dude. He does look like he chokes her, though, doesn't he?

They are such a peculiar celebrity couple to me. Like, they're lasting long. I don't know how they met. They don't have, like. There's a picture of them meeting. Really? She's, I feel like she's more masculine than him. So she takes the.

Like where is their crossover? Like she's like a bubblegum pop star. So is he. She's like a bit, she's funny. He's a serious actor. Who's your number one celebrity? Crush? Yeah.

Like if you could have him at any age, any whatever. I used to say Liev Schreiber, but I got over him. Because someone told me he sucks. Someone was like, nah. Mine is Vince Vaughn. Oh, really? I see him sometimes. Any age.

He's around. He's orbiting. He's orbiting. Okay. He's around. I've seen him in person. I've like literally met all of mine. And I'm like, no.

It's like ruined. It's Kendall Jenner. It's Kendall Jenner. Kris Jenner. I don't know who mine is now. I'm sure there's some. Oh, you know what it is? It's Kendall Roy.

Speaking of Kendall's. Oh, wow. The character Kendall Roy on Succession. The character? I will. I will. That is, listen to me. Another hashtag.

If you were my close friend, you would, I would think that you were doing a friend, you would, I would think that you were doing a bit right now because I find that character disgusting to be so repugnant. Shut up.

I was excited. You know what I like about you? You gear up and I don't know which side you're on. Shut up. Dude, it's so fun. I think Kendall, we would watch it,

me and my roommates, and he would come on and I'd be like, oh, this slope shoulder ass fucking goober bit and they'd be like, Jesus. Look, it doesn't get better as the seasons go on,

but season one, like, ruined my life. Like, I was obsessed. He's so hot. I needed Dave to, like, do an impression. I would rather fuck the Culkin. The Culkin. I honestly think the dad's hot. Shut up.

Bro, give me the dad over this guy. Give me Jerry, dude. The dad is so, like, powerful. He's mean, because he's mean to us. Yeah, I know. You think this guy. It's wild. This is evidence that you're never in competition.

No women are competing. The hottest thing. Like, I can't even. He's so hot to me. Well, I did watch Normal People. Did you see that? Yeah. Did you watch it?

Yeah. And I thought the guy. Todd would, like, pop in and be like, what are you watching? And they'd be like, this guy's so ugly. I was like, he's so hot. But only because he was being like aloof and mean to her. It was in the character. Wait, he's the hottest person in the entire world.

No, he's so. Who? That dude's the hottest man alive. He's brooding. He's so hot. And he's very aloof in it. And that like quiet, like sort of like in the corner. Or was with her.

Oh, really? That's really hot. Look up young Vince Vaughn. Just throw up a young Vince Vaughn. I will freak out. This man is so, his whole way of being is the hottest thing I've ever seen.

I saw him, it was weird. I saw him at a party and I was like in, I was standing next to the conversation and I just didn't feel like talking to him. It was weird. I didn't think that would happen. I cat called him on accident.

I mean, not on accident, but I saw him and he was like, I was like, hey, I'm a huge fan. Yeah, he was so hot and like clay pigeons. I get it. You know who was slept like, I was like, hey, I'm a huge fan. Yeah, he was so hot and like clay pigeons. I get it. You know who was slept on, I think? Brendan Fraser Young.

Yeah. Yeah, but then I can't unsee the whale. I'm done. The whale was not acceptable. Yeah, that triggered a lot of us. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. He seems like a really great guy, though, so I do, I see that.

But doesn't he seem too... Oh, shit, he was hot. Doesn't he cry too much? The guy I lost my virginity to and dated for years looked exactly like young Brendan Fraser huge dick

Jordan thank you so much for being here today I've had the best time ever I feel like we'll have a reveal from you later about

about what a gross disgusting celebrity that you think is hot that no one else thinks is hot I mean everything I think is hot everyone thinks is gross say one Kendall is fucked up yeah I guess she did that you think is hot that no one else thinks is hot? I mean, everything I think is hot, everyone thinks is gross. The internet charges. Kendall is fucked up.

Yeah, I guess she did. That's fucked. Is it the actor or the character? And the character was weak. It was sad. Did you like that he was like that? I, well, more on this next week.

Jordan, where can people see more of you? I have a half-half-half-hour on YouTube. It's so funny. I watched it. I loved it. I'm. It's so funny. I watched it. I loved it. I'm on the fence about it. I thought it was edited weird.

But you like the jokes. Yeah, I like the jokes. I love it. It's so fast-paced. Oh, thank you. It's just like, I'm like... She's like, that was the part of the editing I didn't like. It is fast-paced, yes.

No, it's good. It's really good. I'm doing a slower pace now. So I'm like, whatever you're doing is the thing you like doing. So look out for a new hour coming up in a while, but I'm on my tour dates are jordangensoncomedy.com. I'm on all the shit. Um,

except for Twitter, Jordan Jensen, LOL stop. And I have a podcast called being Ian with Jordan. Thanks for having me. We'll see you guys next week. Thanks for having me. We'll see you guys next week. Thanks for coming.