Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Chris Distefano Our German Goth Daddy

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors:   Manscaped - Get 20% off + free shipping at http://www.manscaped.com with the code TRASH  Magic Spoon - Go to https://magicspoon.com/tuesday and use our promo code tuesday at checkout to save five dollars off your order  JUST Egg - JUST Egg. Really good eggs. https://www.ju.st Liquid Death - Get free shipping on all water and merch at https://liquiddeath.com/trash Trash Tuesday Merch: http://slugfam.com Trash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Official Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/trashtuesdayclips Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: George Kimmel & Pete Forthun Editor: Gabby Galon --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message

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offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply statement mobile for details all right slugs we have quite a show for you we are in goth again and we have the hilarious chris di stefano who used to be my roommate here telling us all the secrets so annie you're going to be on the road where are you where you headed thanks little one um i will be in uh springfield missouri at the blue room on february 4th and 5th uh also in february i will be in Springfield, Missouri at the Blue Room on February 4th and 5th. Also in February, I will be in British Columbia at the House of Comedy. I'm just going to be in a lot of places. I'm going to be in Vegas.

I mean, there's just I'm going everywhere. So check Annie Letterman dot com slash shows. That's what she said. Doesn't make sense there. You guys, this weekend, I'm coming to Raleigh, North Carolina. I had to check because i wasn't sure what state that city is in and i'll be there february 3rd through 5th at good nights comedy club and i'm going to indianapolis philadelphia san diego austin texas chicago and so much more

get tickets at esther on ice.com but raleigh i'll see you this weekend and enjoy today i that's what she said you guys if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make a podcast let me explain it's free shocking that esther that's what you were about to say right yes it's free uh-huh it's always number one on our list it's free everyone wants to freaking start a podcast this is the easiest way we're about to tell you there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and and and they will distribute your podcast for you so it it can be heard from spotify apple podcasts and all of the platforms basically also you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership the best i mean imagine that that's

like the lowest that's low pressure everything you need with anchor everything you need to make a podcast all in one place just download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started welcome welcome chris hey chris hello first boy oh no rick glassman but he's not like a real he's not a real guy wait is he the first guy though when we've all been here together like because there is like a vibe in the room like there's a boy among well it was the same with jessica kirsten where we're all like we got a little bit like. Yeah. Why? Because she's like more like manly. What were you saying? It was a high score day.

We all turned gay that day. Oh, got it. Yeah. Jessica's great and gay. Yeah. I love Jessica Kirsten. She's a great gay. Shout out Jessica Kirsten.

So today the theme is goth. Goth 2.0. Because originally it was going to be goth with you the first time we did goth, but we lost you. So we did it. Where did I go? What do you mean you lost me? You didn't come here.

I think our first goth episode was supposed to be dedicated to you. Right. And somehow, I don't know what happened. It's probably George's fault. See, the thing is with you is like they look goth, but you just look like Mexican. Yes. You just look like a fully, like a Mexican school teacher.

I was going to like a Christian school with the crosses. I actually was going for mom goth, cause I was like, okay, let's do adult goth. I could go goth, but something where I could still pick my kids up from school. Can I just tell you adult goth is something that's going to trigger

Esther. It's steampunk. Steampunk is scary. What's steampunk? What are you afraid you're going to get run over by one of those unicycles or something? Steampunk is whenever you see hipster people with goggles on. But the goggles, no,

it's not like ski goggles. It's like a top hat with goggles. It's like Mad Max style. And this is like a top hat with goggles it's like um mad max style why do they and this is like a look like a hipster look yeah isn't that scary i like to play a game sometimes like in the neighborhood i grew up in it's very very very gentrified now but like play a game like take a picture of someone and say hipster or history is this a is this a person from history or are they just fucking somebody getting you know cashew milk i do like his uh is it a hipster or a wizard they're always like us like they're like it's a type it's a silver lake look silver lake look no but i like it i

like the top five and i gotta be honest like the belt in my neck like it's very it's kind of like i'm i don't know i feel like you're in a hotel on the road yes hired a few ladies to come help uh ladies get you up on the oh yeah yeah yeah no i feel like i'm with tim dylan yeah i'm kind of disappointed that i'm not seeing you in mesh right now i know because i just i just i'm disgusting what'd you do i saw you eat a muffin you crushed a muffin oh that's that's the he grabs up because i don't even care it's like, no one thought you did. Wait, you just ate it. You walked in and ate a muffin.

Ate a muffin right away. And this morning I had a muffin. Is Jazzy going to be like, you ate a muffin. What do you mean by that? No, she wants you to be a fat piece of shit. She wants you to be disgusting. Oh, me? That's what I am. I'm a chubby chaser.

Mean Kalilah. Bonafide chubby chaser. I love a good fat boy. But Jazzy, she's not coming for you. But not like you still are like buff fat. Like I want sloppy fat. Yeah. The thing is that's Jasmine gets mad because like I, you know, my body's like atrocious

with no shirt on, but she's like, but you're still strong. So she's like, I don't like that. You're still strong. Like in the gym. She wants to get fat and weak. Yes. Why doesn't she want you to be strong? I think, I don't know.

I think she wants to lift more than you? Yes, I think she gets mad. Jazzy looks like she could fuck shit up. And she's lefty. So there's been a couple of times where like, you know, she's throwing a swing at me. And if she was a righty, I would have got out of the way. But she caught me with a nice left. You leaned into it accidentally.

Yeah, I was like, oh shit. She got both eyes now. Domestic violence going on over there? Yeah, yeah. Esther's horny. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, anytime you see me boxing on my Instagram, it. Esther's horny. Yeah. Yeah. Anytime you see me boxing on my Instagram, it's because she caught one of my DMs. So I'm just getting prepared.

Wait, I'm just genuinely curious. I'm not trying to be rude. But do you wear a shirt on during sex? I get completely naked, actually. Even taking my chain and bracelet, like everything, like fully butt naked. I feel like everything, you're so like the type of guy that every piece of jewelry was given to by someone very special, I feel like. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like, this is like a 40 year old. Yeah, no, no, this is Jasmine. My chain is my mother. You know, I used to have another chain that was Jasmine. I had my father's pinky ring. Like, you know what I mean? Like I've never actively bought jewelry. Like if you, anything in my life, if you were like anything I bought

has been bought on Amazon or the Gap, like nothing that I have that's nice and worth value was ever bought by me. It was only given to me because I don't actually know what I'm doing. I have a question. Who is shopping at the Gap? Me and my mom.

And anyone who buys Yeezy hoodies. Gap is coming back. I look at Gap and I go, I really feel like there should be a Gap in the mall where this Gap is because how is boring shit still being sold? I know. No, their jeans are great.

They're great, but it shrinks. You can't dry the Gap clothes. It will shrink immediately. But what if it's not that it's shrinking and it's you eating a muffin? It's me and a muffin. I know. It probably is.

It's hard to tell since COVID. I'm like, what is this? That's really smart that you take your jewelry off for sex. Because one time in high school, I was having sex and I was wearing my grandfather's dog tags from World War II. And guys, that was on our clit ring. It was really rough. I was like, I'm going to take these off.

That's hilarious. That's awesome. I would love to have my grandpa's dog tags. Like stolen valor. I know. My grandpa was a Nazi. I can tell by your neck width. I know. I know. It's a German shepherd, his dog tags like stolen valor i know my grandpa was a nazi i can tell by your neck width i know i know it's a german shepherd his dog tags you're a de steph no you're very italian no i thought and then i actually took because for for in the neighborhood i grew up in uh it's called

ridgewood it's in like queens brooklyn area and it was like a huge german neighborhood when i was uh when my mom was a kid like huge and as i grew up it wasn't as german but there's even a bakery there called um i forgot what the name of the bakery is but that bakery they provided uh can i guess what it was called the gas chamber the gas yes they provided yeah hitler's hub hitler's hang you become paint or yeah but they provided like the the pastries and coffees for when the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in like 1937. Because before.

Were they selling tickets? They sold out MSG. It wasn't like show up. They were like Tom Segura. They sold out tickets to all of us. I did know Tom hated Jews, but to know that he asked because he does the same ticket sales. No, no. They sold out the garden before like the whole Hitler stuff.

But so anyway, my whole life growing up, like there was like german families that still live there and they'd always come up to me you know if i walk in the street and talk to me in german and i'd always be like i'm not like german i don't know what they're saying and then i did ancestry.com and it found out my ancestry was like 95 percent from germany and i was like holy shit the distefano my it was just like my dad's last name. My dad's last name. But like he was mostly German. His mother was mostly German.

My mother was like full. Who fucked the monkey to get your forehead though? I know. I don't know. I know because I do have a Neanderthal head. I've known Chris so long. Chris and I, okay, we used to do shows at the Open Mics and Donnell Rollins shows.

Laugh Lounge. At the Laugh Lounge. 2009. It's been gone. Yeah. Chris would show up. You were always ripped. You weren't as thick as you are now, but you were always ripped.

And he was always wearing like a basketball. What? No, thick is fine. This is good. We like thick now. Yeah. He's a fucking dad. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

His girlfriend's trying to get him. It's like over for me. Yeah. Wait, I have a question. Does that, because you seem like Italian is very much your identity, but maybe I just project that like onto you. Are you freaked out that it's like all a lie? No, I think you're probably feeling, I'm just very New York.

I'm just, so that I think gets confused with being Italian. It was a little like shocking. Like you feel like you're lied to your whole life. I was like, why did everybody tell me I was always a hundred percent Italian or that we were Italian? And my dad was like, you know, I,

that's what I thought. And then we did like two ancestry.com tests and both of them were like 95, 98. But what if ancestry.com is like, there's like a warehouse somewhere where someone's like, they're all getting together. Like,

let's tell this person they're this, you know, I just think this, the first time I ever saw you, I thought to myself, that's a German. Whoa. There isn't a more German-looking German. Was your dad German? What was your dad?

Well, a lot of my family live in Germany. Well, it was a little bit. After knowing that information, it was a little scary. And I'm calm. I'm over it now. But it was a little scary because all through high school and college, I love World War II. Like, it's part of history I'm over it now. But it was a little scary because all through high school and college, I love World War II. Like it's a history, part of history I'm obsessed with. But I always, always, always were like,

besides the Nazis doing what they did with the Holocaust, that's horrible. But like, other than that, like they had a point on why they were going to war. Like I would always be like- It's like in your blood. Justifying, I was like, their uniforms were nice. And hey, I'd be mad too if-

Esther's scared. And I was just like- Look at Esther's weenie. I know, but then I was like, their uniforms were nice. And hey, I'd be mad too if my- Esther's scared. And I was just like- Look at Esther's weenies. I know. But then I was like, wait, Chris, stop this. You don't like anything about the Nazis. And I don't. I hated what they did with the Holocaust. And I do believe that if I was alive back then, I probably would have been a Nazi because

I lived in Germany. But I would have been one of the nice Nazis and not done anything at all with those. I would have not ratted because my last name would have been DeStefano. So I can't rat on the concentration camps, but I wouldn't have participated. I would have tried to get Jewish people out. Let's say you go into someone's house and you hear a creaking in the attic.

Oh my God, this conversation. You go in, you see a girl that looks a lot like Esther. She's writing in a journal, she's masturbating. What do you do? Do you tell people? I would say i'd say exactly this i'd say are you jewish and you'd say yes and i'd say you have a choice right now if you have a muffin back there you say if not you're dead and you know those addict jews

always had muffins that's always jewish people are great bakers there are like sex freaks german people yes yeah oh yeah they have the weirdest porn berliners. There are like sex freaks, German people, right? Yes. Oh, yeah. They have the weirdest porn. Berlin has like the best like sex clubs ever. How do you know? Are we going? We might be. Oh, my gosh.

We're never going to a strip club. We're going straight to a sex club. Straight to it. Do you like strip clubs? Because I find that like men are, I'm always asking men like, what's the good strip clubs? And they're like not that into them nowadays. Yeah, for me, strip clubs, I've been to them, but I never ever like really go to a strip club willing.

I've probably been to a strip club five times in my life maybe, and I've never had sex with a prostitute. I've never even thought about it. Never? Never. I'm gonna say something. I've never even thought about getting a prostitute. I think the guys that don't like strip clubs that much are the guys that like can pretty easily get girls.

Like you have them, so you didn't have to go spend money to look at a girl. You probably could have gotten a girl to dance for you. Like I remember going to a strip club in Tampa after a show in like 2014, 2015, but it's just because they had good, like they had really good steak. Like it was just the food and I like wasn't interested

at all, but I guess, and I never thought about it, but I guess, yeah, because there was a girl. I would be like, there's no steak sandwiches when I'm dancing naked okay we're not having anything well the Vegas ones they have like the 5am buffets like the breakfast buffets but isn't it if they have food they can't show tits?

if they show the vagina there's no alcohol in the vagina in the same place yeah I've gotten to the point now in the age I don't know if maybe because I have two girls but I've just like now it's like I used to be like a full on like I just like even if you were like fake boobs, fake ass, like you could just trick me and I'd be like, I fucking love you. Like I was just obsessed, like, you know, but now I'm like, I'd actually really would like if I was single, like rather like really get to know a girl and talk to them. And like literally like if you came on too strong with sex, I'd be like, nah, I'd be like, I don't, maybe. Kalilah's out.

I don't need it. I'd be like, I just want to, I would like one of like, I would like somebody who's like, you know, like smart and like has done things with their life. Like, but before I was just like, if you have like, if you're literally, like if you just have like above a C cup,

I'm fucking in. I know some of your ex-girlfriends and they do not have C cups. Fuck that, something out there, big butts with tattoos. Or tattoos and like so funny and yeah yeah yeah no no but but i just it is that thing where it's like it almost made me it almost like i'm struggling with it a few months ago i even talked to jasmine my girl and i was like i feel like i'm gay like i genuinely feel like i'm gay like i'm not like and and she was like and she was like no she was like i don't she was like i don't think you're like she's like I thought if you were gay or not

Yeah, but she was like but she was like why do you think you're gay and I was like because I don't Like I don't know like I don't find myself watching that much porn anymore I don't like I'm not like looking at other women and being like oh my god It'd be so great to have sex, but I don't care. Maybe you drained your balls too much Maybe you had it all you're're a good looking white guy. Maybe has just had it all. I don't know. I don't know if I've had it all.

I think that all people go through ebbs and flows because I know for me sometimes I'm super horny like let's have sex all the time. She's talking about when she's on the podcast looking at Kalilah. And then I'm like sometimes I'm the same way like i'm just completely turned off

to i'm not yeah it could be like yeah it's like you go it's like i was set up just on or off or you could be gay yeah are you looking at guys and go i want to fuck that that's the thing no no i and i've said are you sure have you seen carlos i've seen carlos yeah carlos come give us a spin i like like Carlos. Yeah. Let's see this outfit on Carlos. Look, this was supposed to be lipstick too. For Chris. I like, I like, I like Carlos.

Yeah. Look at that. Look at this body. You know what you have? You have like an eight nineties body. Does he have like a, he's got a nineties body and, and, and, and yeah. And when you take your hat off, it's fucking wild, dude. Cause a lot of guys don't pull that off, but you do.

It's a whole look. I like it. I actually think that's't pull that off, but you do. You know? I like it dude. I actually think that's way hotter than when you have a hat on. It's so confident. It's almost like I don't give a fuck. My dick is so huge. I don't give a fuck.

I mean the dick thing, but it feels like I don't care. That's the biggest dick energy. Yeah. But I go to Erewhon like this and I think it's funny because everyone stares at me and I'm always like. Nah dude, you would stand out in the crowd. I think it's great. Can we look like a figure skater? Is it cultural appropriation if we cornrow your size? We've got to. We need to have someone on the cornrow. I feel like you can. I actually can. Damn it, Annie.

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We thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. Would Jazzy ever just let you have a gay experience just to try it out? I think she would i got a little nervous once like a year ago but she was like going giving me a blow job and she started like playing with my ass and i came like immediately so i was a little bit like whoa and she was even she was like damn i've never met every guy i've hooked up with has like ass play interesting yeah that's not doesn't read as gay to me they also don't have a choice with Kalilah. No, Bobby has never let me. And he's the guy who's been with the most guys.

Right. Wait, what? So Bobby has had sexual experience with other men when he was younger, right? Oh, right. But like the straightest dudes I've ever been with, they all love Asplen. Yeah, that's what's so good.

It feels so good. It feels good for me. I can't imagine it not feeling good for men. Have you ever had a, have you ever seen a guy you want to hook up with? Genuinely. Genuinely. No,

but I will say what I do, what I will say, I think if you ask me who I am as a person sexually, I would say I fall in love with men, have sex with women. That's what I'd say. That's what I'd say. Most likely. Is that me?

What? The opposite. I fall in love with, I really, I feel like I fall in love with women and i sex with men yeah yeah it might be that like no i think it's the opposite for you maybe you fall in love with men you want to have sex but she gets she gets nervous about the sex stuff but i think i think any sort of gay thing that's not the thing that you had done your whole life even like i

would say like if i was a lesbian and then i would probably be so nervous looking up with a guy oh like you seem to get you don't think you get a little nervous no i do i totally would be nervous with a girl yeah i think more than oh i don't yeah well it almost feels like i think that like women like it's it's easier for a woman to have a gay experience and then go back to yeah for sure it's once a guy has a gay experience it's hard to just once you feel because i think the male ego it's kind of like well you're gay which is fine but it's just kind of like if you do that you're there you can't come back but gen z is changing that i feel like that's very true because nowadays like girls will date guys it's actually it's gen day so but you know like i've heard young girls will talk with their boyfriends about like

how to give blowjobs because their boyfriends about like how to give blowjobs because their boyfriend I feel like I was the first Gen Zer because I've always been attracted to dudes who who like guys I've always liked to have boyfriends that are straight that have never been attracted to guys make out with my

gay friends that is a power that I liked interesting and I have Kalilah's name tattooed on me because I'm in love with her. Annie and I, we were roommates for- We were roommates. What? I think you paid rent for like three months. And I stayed there twice.

Two nights? I was not aware of the second night. Mike Racine disgusted me. That's why. He is- Who is he? No, Mike Racine's great. Mike Racine is one of the funniest,

weirdest, most honest strange people I mean he really is so weird truthfully he there's autism in his family so I'm not gonna say

there isn't a spectrum situation with him yeah but he is he's like the most shifty eyed person he's farted himself out of jobs before

what Dan St. Germain took him on a job interview with him to get him a job on something and he farted in the elevator and then said, do you think, hey guys, did a ghost fart? Dude, I hired him to move

me out of one of my apartments. Did he break something? Who is this guy? He broke something. He broke a couch that I had that, you know, had like, you could plug it in and have like a recliner or whatever. He broke that. that I had that, you know, had like, you could plug it in and have like a recliner or whatever. He broke that. Then he showed up, but he showed up to my apartment with just him and no truck.

And I was like, what are you doing? Where's your truck and everything? He's like, what? You hired me. Like, I thought you and I were going to do it. I was like, no, dude, I hired a moving company. You told me you had a moving company. And he's like, oh, should I go get a U-Haul truck?

I was like, yes. What the fuck? And then we did it. And then he literally broke a couch. And we had to go to, he left something back at, we're moving from Staten Island to Brooklyn. There's a toll to pay, a bridge. And he forgot something at my apartment in Brooklyn. And he goes, oh, shit, I forgot this chair.

And I was like, well, you have to go back and get it. He goes, yeah, but you're going to have to pay for the tolls and the gas. I know. He's just so crazy. I was like, oh, my God go back and get it he goes yeah but you're gonna have to pay for the tolls and the gas i know he's just so crazy god take it mike he okay he first of all he started selling pasta sauce at one point oh yeah it's actually very good and it's it's so good so good he also is available it is still a bit we'll get it we'll get a bottle of it yeah um he's so funny he's so good but when we live together he's just gross like he's just something off and he will do things like he'll pick his boogers and then keep them in like what i'm gonna throw

up that shit like that he used to smell annie's i'm sure bell lester did he really well he would be like hey you know annie's door isn't locked oh my god i used to do a joke about it because he really the first day we live together he goes he's like why do you lock your bed he goes annie why do you lock your bedroom door at night and And I was like, literally, because why? The fact that you even know I lock it is why I'm a psycho. He's a fucking psycho. We shared, we had a railroad apartment. So like we were shared a wall and stuff. It was just so frightening. Guys do that shit. I remember once Benji came to my apartment and I caught him going through

my laundry and he was taking pictures of my dirty underwear though like the crusty part it's black meal oh i know um racine once uh i had a knock at the door and then under the door slid a cartoon of two stick figures one was with long hair yeah or no no wait one was him sitting there and then i was blowing him and he was holding a gun to my head and he said you pointing to the man. And you laughed at that. Now it's like you'd get arrested. No, every story I tell about Mike is so funny.

And then people are like, this is so troubling. Yeah, like it's abuse. He said, because I used to always be like, do not hit on me. Like, whatever, do not hit on me. And he'd be like, one day he just went, Annie, you look beautiful. And so I spit in his face. And then he went into his room and he gathered all his crusty comrades and he threw them at me and it was like the funny it was so funny i can't even explain to you how funny it was like it was so disgusting we were crying laughing

then another time i was just sitting there and he came in and he just febrezed my pussy it was like endless things and now he's like married with a kid i know and his wife is like so so cute and his wife is so beautiful and smart and like a real person she loves mike this is bringing me to a topic that i like am so obsessed with and i get it it's just the way of the world but like a guy that you're explaining who's a comedian and a mover like he has a kid the three of us don't like i just feel like it's i'm so jealous i would like to be a dad i want to be a dad and i'm like i think we need to get surrogates yeah oh you don't want to actually give birth it's just so much time it's time it's so much time it's a lot what do you this is what bobby

said about surrogacy because Cause I posed a question. I was like, look, like I got a heart condition. Like also just like- I can't die. I can't go under that. But you get pregnant so easily. I do. It's those hips.

But then he was just like, honestly, Kalilah, I would have no respect for you. Is what he said. If you got pregnant? No, if I got a surrogate oh okay he's like do the work bitch right I do think there's gotta be

like a difference with your bonding with the kid though because the pregnancy is like the whole bonding he's more like it would he's like

you would I want to watch a baby come out of you and I'm like that is so grotesque. But thank you for being honest. No, it's crazy to see.

Like I've been there twice. How fast were you trying to bang her afterwards? Immediately. No, the first one is funny. The second like OBGYN we had, she said that to me. She was like, you can't like even attempt to have sex with her for like six weeks. Just leave her alone. She was just like, you know, just don't even talk.

I have a friend who had sex a week out because her stitches were so itchy and she couldn't get to them and she was like can you just fuck the itch out of me yeah interesting yeah this time with with my first daughter delilah she they i was being taught don't look don't look down don't look down and i didn't i really really didn't and then at the last second when she was coming out you know because babies are born with like long fingernails she hit jasmine's vagina on the way out and fucking all of a sudden like i felt like like fluid or something dripping onto my sneaker so i looked down and it was just full of blood and i was like what that and i just saw it like guising blood out i was just trying to stay in yeah no no no she just fucking on the

way out just fucking nicked her mom's vagina. Yeah. And then with my second daughter, they were like, it was more of like, you know, not so like scientific. It was more like, you know, it's your second baby, dad, you know what to do, whatever, hold her hand. And I was like holding Jasmine's hand. I knew like not to look down or whatever.

But then it got to the point where for some reason Violet my seven month old she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck oh I had that too yo so it got like it went from so happy

to like fucking like literally in 30 seconds she was like you hold her leg now like I was like

oh shit so then I had no choice I was like in front of Jasmine's like vagina and I've never seen like it got like this big where I was like holy shit like I couldn't believe like I and I've never seen like it got like this big where I was like

holy shit like I couldn't believe like I could look in and be like oh my god is that your pancreas you know like it was so but it was great it's crazy to be like a a parent and have kids um it's very very very difficult you're like the the level of exhaustion is like next level how has it changed your like how has it changed you? Because you're a comedian, you're the dad to two girls. What's different? My time is like a lot more valuable now. It's like I just am very, very comfortable being like, I can't do this. And if you want a reason, I'll be honest with you. And then I'm just like, because I have to justify time away from my kids now. It's like, I'm not going to just go like, you can't convince me that

I, I need to go there for two weeks to like, take a shot at something. It's like, either it's concrete going to happen and there'll be money in my account for, to make my daughter's life better. If not, I'm going to go to my kid's soccer practice. Like my, my, it's weird. My career is like moving forward faster than it was before I had kids, but I care about my career less because I care about my kids more. And then your career is doing better because you're not stressing about it. I don't care about anything. Like anything that happens, I'm like, whatever.

Like, it's fine. But has it changed you? Sorry. Has it changed you as a person though? Like the way you, like, cause you know, the classic thing, like Ben Affleck, like I have daughters, which is obviously so cheesy. like you should respect women before you have daughters but but i am curious like has it changed anything for you it didn't in the beginning i'm be honest with my youngest daughter uh my oldest daughter delilah she's six now is she six already six yeah

yeah oh my god she is so she's so fucking sassy i know i know she's so great she's six. Oh my God, she is so cute. She's so fucking sassy. She's such a star, dude. I know, I know. She's so funny. She's like so much better than I'll ever be. I had so much fun with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I did your podcast. Oh my God. She says that at six years old, she's like, I'm going to be like so much better than you, Dad.

And I'm like, you will be. Like you already are. It's like, nobody cares about me. They're always just like, how come you don't post your daughter on Instagram anymore? I'm like, because you creeps were asking what size her feet were. So that's why.

God, they're so gross. I mean, I got a DM. She was because you creeps were asking what size her feet were so that's why they're so gross i mean i got a dm she was three like hey what size shoe is she i want to make shoes for her i love her feet i was like get the fuck out of here nobody's falling for that esther is the only one it was right that sounds so nice and the weird thing is she has the same size feet as you there you go probably but you know what it didn't in the beginning it didn't not that i was you know ever trying to disrespect women but i was still like just a sex maniac. Like just wanted to like when I was, there was a time when me and Jazz were co-parenting where I was like, you know, want to have sex, hook up, like find women that were like depressed

like me and like whatever. Wasn't thinking about how is this going to affect my daughter. And then it wasn't until Delilah was like maybe five when she started to, she said to me once when me and Jazz were back together, she was like, sometimes I don't like that like that you and mommy argue or sometimes she was like i feel like you and mommy make each other sad and like things like that and then it was like oh shit like the most subtle things that we do like even if me and jazz are just like sleeping back to back she notices that and she's like why do you do that why don't you explain her what a double-headed dildo is yeah yeah i know this is a different conversation i'm like you see that thing that vibrates that you thought was a toothbrush that's Why don't you explain to her what a double headed dildo is? Yeah, I know. This is a different conversation.

I'm like, you see that thing that vibrates that you thought was a toothbrush? That's why. So that's not chocolate. But it's hard to explain. No, I know. But now but now but now. So now I'm very, very, very like, OK, you cannot. You're like an example for this kid.

Like you can't. So it happens naturally. But, you know, also it's like, look, you know, like I do. I do the best I can. naturally um but you know also it's like look you know like i do i do the best i can i mean you know we're gonna make fucking mistakes i'm also a comic on the road like i'm eventually gonna just fucking blow it so i'll just be able to like tell her though like hey i really tried i have the proof that i tried but i also have the proof that i fucked up and i'm in prison weirdly uh both of those things he's wearing the goth chain do you have any suggestions for who you think would be good surrogates for the three good surrogates um that

we i mean i guess you would want what you want is a woman with a wide birthing canal so and and big boobs no truthfully i mean that's what they say right like from a that's why they say men are attracted to women that's where the attraction comes comes from. Big boobs and a big ass. Because what we're seeing subconsciously is, you know, milk. Right. Feed for the kids and somewhere to lay my head, lay the kid's head and then a wide birthing canal. I thought you guys like big tits because they can't run as fast.

That's true, too. There's no going upstairs in this one, bitch. Yeah. I would say somebody good good who's a good woman that i would bridget everett is someone i think she'd be a good surrogate um um i think her uh i just saw a billboard for her show coming over here um i think um who else would be good a nicole buyer would be good i don't know if you know nico call big tits what about chelsea lynn wide birthing canal she's a wide birthing canal and and um and no i'm not saying anything that's fucked up i'm saying it's a wide birthing canal and big boobs i'm i'm thinking i'm thinking from

a primarily the hips the hips we're not talking about you guys we don't mean that she's a wide vagina we mean her hips no i don't know if her vagina is wider and i don't know who would be a really fucking good one though i'm trying to think of somebody with like big juicy boobs. You've also got to ensure that they're not going to birth my baby and then take off

with my baby. That's well, that's the thing that I don't know how a surrogate does what she does. Because they're like, this is a cute one.

Nobody would cross you, bitch. Also, mine won't be cute, so I'm good. I think mine and Bobby is a hit or miss too. You guys both of you guys are gonna have the cutest kids. Shut up. Look at me in my eye.

Come on. I'll look you in your tear drop. Of course your kids are gonna be cute. Yeah. I don't know if they'll grow up to be cute. You should just pick somebody that like you know like doesn't like kids like I don't know. How much money do you have to be given?

What a weird choice. I think it's like 80k minimum right? 80k they're gonna get money? But that doesn't seem like enough to like kids. Like, I don't know. How much money do you have to be given? Like who doesn't like kids? I think it's like 80K minimum, right? 80K. They're going to get money. But that doesn't seem like enough to give birth to a child. It doesn't. It's like 100K, right?

You get 100K? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Are you seriously considering it? I think we're all just at a place where we're like in our 30s

and we were like, maybe we want to have kids, but we don't want to, you know, being pregnant can be so hard. It is. It would be great for it to be hard the day the baby is there

rather than before the baby. Like, I don't want to have to take like a fucking year off. She was just, I mean, you were there in the house when we were living in LA. She was fucking miserable for the last three months.

And it's like, it's like, well, your organs are all displaced. Yeah, it was like, what? Yeah. Like she like was like, what? You're leaving it. You're doing what? You're going to the comedy. So you imagine.

Stupid. She's like, rub my feet. Like her organs are all displaced. They're not even where they're supposed to be because they're all pushed up. He knows he looked inside. I took a look. I know they were real. It was crazy.

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slash trash have them at your house for your next like whenever you're having people over they'll be like oh my god you're so chic you're so weird and funny and cool it's so good liquid death.com slash trash will you ever forget we always get well i'll never forget now i would have i mean i know it's me but i would like to i would have another child like i would like to be a father of another child not you know the thing is like every time we have sex she gets pregnant so she was like i have to like go on birth control like i cannot do this again because she was like you know so i think she probably would we have to give it some space though because you forget like how hard it is to have like a newborn baby like it's one it's so like insane

and we don't have like you know you talk to some of our peers and they're like oh just get the night nurse to do it just get that i'm like we're not doing that yeah like jasmine won't allow that like poor family will not allow that they think that's like a cop-out they're like no way she's like i'm gonna fucking do everything for this kid i'm like yeah but you're angry all the time because you're tired like we let's just hire help and she's like no i won't be a good mother if i if i don't have the help if i don't do this myself so i'm like all right she's just angry at me all the time i will be hiring yeah i will be hiring but my family oh we're taking a banana break i was just gonna say you have a clip that went pretty viral.

Do you know what clip I'm talking about? Tupperware? Yeah. Yeah. So my fiance is like a very normal guy. Okay. He doesn't like this show at all. He doesn't like comedy podcasts at all.

I like them. He hates this show. I do too. But one day he sent me that clip and I'm like, oh my God, I know that guy.

And ever since that clip, my fiance who like writes, works with Judd Apatow, he's like a very respected normal guy who went to Harvard. He is, he brings up that clip like every day.

Really? He says to me all the time, I thought I caught that. Yeah. And here's the thing about her. I thought I caught that. Her fiance is so not a fan that one time he laughed at one of my jokes, and I bring that up to him every day. Yeah.

If I was like, you know, like the fact that he graduated, if he graduated from Harvard and did like this show or any podcast, I'd be concerned. It's like those guys. It's like this is for stupid people. What we're doing. Like, this is not for grad. I really graduate. Can I call him and can he meet you?

Yeah. What's his name? Dave. Oh, Dave. Okay. Dave. Yeah. Look who's here.

What's up, Dave? What's up, buddy? What's up, buddy? I thought I caught that. There it is. What's going on? Nothing, man. I'm just sitting here in a dog collar. Why didn't you make him wear a goth thing, too?

Oh, you should see Carlos. Oh my God. It's cool to be goth. They wanted to put me in a fishnet sweatshirt, but I have tits. I tried explaining to him how obsessed we are with that clip. Is there anything you want to add or say? I would say that it's probably the thing that gets said out loud in our house the most. Dave, I have a question.

Yes, Annie. Do you, are you sure, is that said more in your house or is Dave make me popcorn said more? That gets said a lot. Although she does, Esther will ask me. Oh yeah, I'm afraid of Dave.

Is that a cry for help? You're more afraid of me than I'm afraid of you. Okay, love you. See you around, bye. Bye, dave no dave's a good guy and here's the thing even when he's not giving it to you you want him you know what i mean he's such a gap wait how jealous of you are you of chris that chris comes into dave's life like already the way he like lightened up when he saw him and then was disgusted when the phone turned

to me was i don't know i kind of live for being rejected by dave yeah i like dave dave's got good energy i could see what no you don't want to have dave's baby no i want to have dave's baby we're we were just talking you know carrying a baby seems like a pain but there is a thing where your pain tolerance just by nature is a lot it's very difficult i mean the most pain i've ever seen in a person's face is when jasmine is giving birth but you are like and that was you looking in the mirror yeah you see that pussy bleed i know it was crazy that scratch that last minute scratch you know it's a so it's such a dumb fucking thing i did too i left like an hour after my first daughter was born to go um i had a a table read for the only show i've ever gotten on like a scripted show i've

ever gotten on and i did i did a table read for it and because she took a nap so i was like oh i can leave and then she woke up i was like where's the father of my child they were like and my mom was like he went to go do a table which they could have definitely had someone else do yeah dude i was such an unimportant part of the show yeah wait didn't we talk about the whole um the duck sauce thing on here no no didn't you get in trouble for the duck sauce on netflix i got fired from the wait what happened i don't know any of this when so what happened was i was hosting a show for netflix called the ultimate beast master and they that's it was like america ninja warrior show i can't believe they didn't ask you to be on it. Yeah, the ultimate peace master.

Yeah. And so it was like this game show competition. It was like they went through like this obstacle course. And, you know, like it was like American Ninja Warrior, but, you know, Netflix version. So I was the host of every country had a team. So I was the host of Team USA. And they told me they were like, make jokes like you can be silly, whatever, like just go crazy. So I was like, OK. And this was like in 2000. This is like we filmed the show in maybe may or june of 2016 so in november of 2016

you know trump was going to get elected and everything was going to change but that show came out in december of 2016 so it was like it had been filmed before trump but it was airing post-trump so this is a big problem the world had changed the world had changed so the jokes that i got so the people were in uproar at me because a member of the Chinese team, his name was Bin Feng. He was awesome. And when you fell off the,

when you got eliminated and fell into the water, they called it the beast blood. And then one time the kid Bin Feng fell and I said, there goes Bin Feng into the duck sauce. And it was fine. And then when that came out, they were like, you racist piece of and then and then at that time team india was really good and one of the the team indian hosts uh co-host was a uh indian supermodel like a from the country of india supermodel

and so they the producers would tell me go in there and be like hey if you know team usa loses the team if team usa beats team india and this had to competition like we gotta you know netflix and chill because on netflix whatever and i was just at that point like an absolute puppet i had no experience at all i was like whatever they tell me in the air i'm just gonna say i'm like you know being like please like me like me i had no confidence in my abilities at all i was just like a fucking puppet so i'd be like netflix and chill netflix and chill then Then, you know, obviously comes out this, everyone,

I'm a sexist. I'm me too. People call me a rapist. And I'm like, so I called this girl from India. And I said, it was at any moment, like I didn't apologize.

Cause I was like, I want to be careful my words. Cause I was like, I don't believe I did anything wrong. It's like an outcry, like psychos on the internet. And I said, at any moment,

did you feel like I made you uncomfortable at all? And she was like, absolutely not. She was like, what's happening in your country right now is an American issue. She was like, you never really had any real problems. And now you have this guy that nobody likes and you're fucking making shit up. She was like, you know, there's packs of men

that go around and rape women in my village. She was like, do you remember the time when you got, when I she got like i was moving there she was like yeah so she was like don't listen she was like that's just don't respond to them i was like can you send out a tweet no one touches me yeah yeah yeah we throw you into the distraction so we can get through yeah yeah so that was crazy wow yeah no it isn't interesting but it makes me not want to do any tv ever like i get like viscerally like i feel in pain when people ask me what's funny is that it obviously aired right yeah so everybody from the day that it was filmed up until the day that it aired thought that it was oh an okay thing to say and then they see and then they see the reaction

and then they blame you yeah it's disgusting but we said fucked up shit on girl code oh my god i mean we we used to do the show on mtv called girl code and you did the guy code too but right it was and we did guy code versus girl code where they would literally give us like topics like should women get paid the same and they go all right chris you say no people like i'm gonna be like no women you don't work as hard. Like it was like crazy. Like men have bigger brains. And everyone that we worked with was great. Like it was like such a fun thing. But it was like, but when I did realize like,

maybe this will pose a problem at some point. Oh, sure. It was when I, I, I came outside from doing something at the in time square where the MTV studios is. and i came out and i was talking to these cops and they were like what were you filming and i told them it was girl we love guy code that's how we learned everything like how to treat and i was like what these cops are running around yeah having learned like you're supposed to actually learn from it i know it's like

a comedy show it was like parody almost it was a comedy show but no there's so many things like that where like you look back and you're like, oh, I'm going to get like even with television, like some of the shit I've said on podcasts or tweeted, that's like literally just jokes that are like not OK now. It's like I don't even want to deal with it. Like I've been doing this thing called Chrissy Daytimes where I go on daytime talk shows and just bomb on purpose. Oh, my God. I love you.

Is it really on purpose? I swear to God. I swear to God. Are you kidding? That sounds amazing. Well, it didn't start out on purpose. Was it with Whitney first? One with Whitney and then I just did Nick Cannon.

What was the joke? Yeah, I saw that Cannon bomb. But what was the joke that bombed on Whitney's again? Because I remember seeing it. I'm forgetting what it was. It was... Because you were talking podcasty, which they're not allowed to do on tv so it's like so even on like the the like view type shows and stuff like you're there's just no well like

because whitney's like you know like one of us right like a real comic but some of the other people on the panel like the jokes that they were getting laughs out like i wanted to throw up i was like these jokes suck like what are you a fucking politician i was like i'm not doing this shit i'm gonna be who i am and of course my jokes were bombing for that crowd like I didn't even get paid they were like leave yeah they're like yeah like it was crazy but I was like you know what I my the guy that produced my podcast homeless pimp when I showed him and he was like dude we have to put this like you have to put this on the internet like this is like your fans will love this so I was like you know what so then we started splicing

up and it got all these views and then when I got booked on the Nick Cannon show they said um they said uh listen we saw your wendy williams thing they were like it's it's funny it's great you know all this it's so great and different blah blah but they're like but the nick cannon show is live so you can't do those things you're gonna have to stay within the lanes and i was like absolutely i'll do it and then as soon as that show started i started going fucking bananas well i can't it's almost insulting when they ask us to do that because that's not what our job is it's like our job is to like disrupt things to be like yeah i was like i'm not doing knock knock jokes and trying to get claps you're like me where it's like we just said the funniest thing as fast as possible like people will be like you're interrupting you're doing this or you said something i'm like i literally it's just i have to say it as fast as i can think of

it and then edit it out like if it's not good afterwards yeah i never care if anyone edits anything out but i can't like self-edit. That's not. We blur your face. She said to edit anything out. Yeah. She doesn't care. I know.

Obviously I can't self-edit my face. I like that look on you though. You look like somebody like that. Yeah, I am. Who is it? She almost like, does she look like Natalie Portman or something? Maybe. Or is it just Scarlett Johansson in a movie that that i maybe it's that but do you know that hepatitis

that'd be a good movie but it's just like a documentary about how colin jost gave her they're like this movie's about scarlett johansson with hepatitis i hired annie letterman no makeup department you like just come out there you yellow bitch there's supposed to be there's supposed to be at least six people in the world that look exactly like you. Really? That's interesting. And it says the percent, the percentage that you,

the likelihood that you'll run into at least one of them is 10%. Well, I can see like, like we obviously, I'm German too. Like we obviously have like

relatives in common somewhere. Yes. I can see my face in your face a little bit. You could be a sibling of mine. Whitney has her lookalike. Whitney has a woman that looks like relatives in common somewhere. Yes. I can see my face in your face a little bit. You could be a sibling of mine. Whitney has her lookalike. Whitney has a woman that looks like. Oh yeah.

That's so crazy. And she came to. Yeah. Yeah. And she has this woman come out and she came to her party and it was so confusing. Really? You were there. I didn't see her.

I would love to see her in person. What if Whitney just had her there to talk to you? That's the only Whitney I know is the lookalike. You've never met the real Whitney. That's so something she would do to see her in person. What if Whitney just had her there to talk to you? That's the only Whitney I know is the lookalike. You've never met the real Whitney. That's so something she would do to me. It's so weird. Wow, that's not her sister or anything? No, she's not related to her at all.

That actually is a little, it's a little like gives you chills. Yeah, it's fucked up. Because Whitney's had plastic surgery, so you wonder if that's what she- Oh, if she went in and got it? Yeah. Or if she went in and got it. Yeah.

Or if she brought a picture of that girl. Yeah. Is that the that's the girl's face she stole? That's so funny. She just skinned it off of her. Yeah. Yeah. The weirdest thing that I always think about, though, when we talk about how you look like Scarlett Johansson, is that you're a twin.

I don't have star quality money. No, no, this is weird. Annie is a twin. Scarlett is a twin twin you also look like those twins on big brother why do twins have a similar oh that's interesting like right well you look up scarlett johansson's twin brother there's a picture of him yeah and he has a picture one time annie looks also like famous twins from big brother it's weird all the twins look alike from all the like each, but like other twins.

Wow. My brother, my older brother once sent me a text and it was a picture of my twin brother. He goes, who is this?

I go, it's Max. Where did you get those glasses? And he goes, no, it's Scarlett Johansson's twin brother. There's a picture of him with glasses that looks like my brother.

God, what an incestuous world we live in. I love it. That is weird. People used to say that I look like Macaulay Culkin like when I was was a little when i was a child i see a childhood picture that's online you think i don't if it is it's like deep in my instagram yeah um but to the point where my

mom told me when i was like no like little boy like people would people uh multiple times came up with like is that macaulay caulkin and it wasn't obviously but we have the same birthday august 26th so i was like that's weird we have i thought you were gonna do a joke about when you were a kid your mom left you home alone i was abandoned and you're right your mom never left your side no never not at all chris you look just like the german guy from gladiator you are german like that's why i thought you were german yeah yeah i look i I guess I can see that's a look. Yeah.

I don't, I mean, I look like him if he had a woman's body. Let's just say you look like you have a wide birthing canal. Do you have girl hips? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have a size 38 waist. Like just fat hips. A thick waist is okay, but I want to know if you have hips.

What does that mean? Your hips are bigger than my bust. Yes. If your hips jut out past your waist or thicker than your waist. I don't think so. Stand up. Let's see. Oh, sorry. Don't worry. Esther's a lesbian. You have a big butt, but you don't

have girl hips. Yeah. That makes me sad. Do you know what is making me so excited right now is that if this were three guy hosts and you were the girl and you were our guest and we were like nitpicking your body and making you stand up and show us your ass. How fucked up is that? Well, I have come to the conclusion that me personally, and I think there's a lot of guys out there feel the same. I at this point, I do not get I if I'm going to get in shape, it is for other guys. It is so other guys will look

at me and be like thank you for saying that because women seem not to care we don't like as much you know thank you so much for saying that yeah yeah yeah i guess i'm leaving i genuinely do yeah i will tell you something if i'm working out i can tell you one thing it's not for todd i got that i'm on the same i have never worked out a minute of my life for Bobby yeah a minute not a fucking minute

you know what it is it's for the rest of the world when you first start working out for me when I first start working out oh my god have you guys ever hooked up or anything

or I think the most we've done is probably give hickeys to each other yeah and then maybe like a soft peck

yeah is there a world where it happens it's very it's an emotional connection. Got it. You're really going to kick her pussy out of your mouth. Come on.

Look, I keep pitching the sleepover episode. Nobody, nobody. And the strip club. I mean, we've gone to different states and discussed going to strip clubs. It's never happened. Have you ever, you never went down on a girl, did you? Or you did? No, I got fingered by a girl

once and i felt like she fingered homophobia yeah i was like when she was like her knuckles were and i was like this feels wrong none of you guys have really eaten gotten down on a girl at all i just when it comes down to moments i always get a sore throat that's you have only throat hpv yeah i have it on my tonsils if you got a tracheotomy they'd be like oh my god look at those there's warts all over that throat you really can get a warty throat no i know that because of fucking katherine zeta jones and michael douglas that was one of the dirtiest press releases i've ever seen where michael d Michael Douglas said he got throat cancer, but it was because he ate Catherine's age. That's right.

That's hot. It's the funniest. It's just like so funny. And nobody is like revealing that type of information in Hollywood. But I think that that's very practical and, you know, usable information because you, and you can get a wordy throat. That's a fact.

Now, now kids get that Gardasil vaccine. So they're like, it's like curable. That's a fact. Now all the young kids get that Gardasil vaccine so it's curable. That's true. It doesn't prevent all strains of it, does it? Just the ones that cause cervical cancer.

You can deal with a wart. You don't want to get cancer, right? Yeah, because the warty one is not the cancerous one. You're like, I don't want to offend you. Are people worried about getting sick and dying? Or are they worried about like looking like that? Probably looking like an STD. But how about a wart is not a deterrent anymore? Like if I if I hooked up with a girl and she had a wart, I'd be like, it's never just one wart though. I'd be like, two of a kind kind two peas in a pod like twins yeah twins you're

like you know it's so weird annie letterman has a twin brother just like scarlett johansson and we both have genital warts wow look at the same place i i'm telling myself it's a skin tag you could just get it burned off you guys have one burned off my whole life when i was young like 18 18. They never came back. Remember I was so worried about STDs when I was in my 20s. Me too. And it's just now I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I never got any of like a big one.

I got chlamydia, but I never got like herpes or AIDS or anything like serious or gonorrhea. No, I never got gonorrhea. Just chlamydia and one wart. I had just learned something recently. Did you? What do you think the clap is? The clap I believe is gonorrhea. just chlamydia and one wart. I had just learned something recently is that- Did you? What do you think the clap is? The clap I believe is gonorrhea. That's what I didn't know.

I thought it was chlamydia too. It's actually gonorrhea. Yeah. Why is it called the clap? I don't know. That's why I got it confused. It's a C and a C, but he's right. It's gonorrhea.

Why is it called the clap? Can you check Carlos? Carlos just tuned out. I just felt like he would know with his outfit. Doesn't he look like- I know, Carlos. He's just going to keep that on all day. Carlos is making plans for tonight with that outfit on.

Carlos, are you gay? I'm not gay, no. Not gay. Okay. There was a pause that we weren't sure about. Yeah. I would have answered the same. One to two second pause and then no.

You guys have similar, I would say you're a little bit effeminate, both of you. Yeah. I thought I wouldn't have been shocked if he said he was gay. He's also wearing possibly one of the gayer outfits I've seen. And may I just say, Carlos, that you've never looked hotter to me. You call HR after this. But like, I genuinely think this is the hottest you've ever looked. Right now?

Yes. The shirt. It's something about not wearing the hat and then the shirt. But the way he stands up so straight like he doesn't give a fuck is really doing you know what it is good posture i'm gonna add it to my you know what it is it's that he doesn't like find you attractive yes i think that's it he can't get a boner when you poke him that's crazy the posture is from military school too i know this is a new part of you that i know carlos went to military school did you go

no i could see you i never went to military school. Did you go? No, I never went to military school. I could see you having gone to military school. I never went to military school. Just briefly. I feel like you'd get recruited to one just on looks alone. When I went to Munich for the Oktoberfest in Germany, there was a German soldier that was there. Like this guy, like off duty, I guess, whatever,

drinking at a bar and he spoke English and he just started like hitting my chest and back. He was like, you should be a soldier. I want you to be a soldier. And I was like, well. Were you tickled by it? I was like, oh, it's fun. I was like, you should be a soldier. I want you to be a soldier. And I was like, well. Were you tickled by it? I was like, oh, it's fun. I was like, you guys starting up the old gang?

Don't ask, don't tell. Don't ask, do tell. I was like, where are we marching? Okay, so in the 1500s, the word clapier or claypier was used for referring to a rabbit's nest. No, but it's because people were fucking like bunny rabbits. Okay. Okay.

Cause jackrabbits really do fuck all the time. That's a real thing. They have a hundred kids. Fuck you. Fuck you. You know what's something I just learned? Do you know what knocked up comes from? Knocked up.

This is, it's interesting because like, now you could cancel anything. It's like knocked up, like one of the most iconic movies of all time. It's like, if somebody finds out where it came from, it'd be like, we have to put his fucking head on a spike but knocked up what it is is is in slave times if they would if you were uh uh uh at the slave market if you were a female slave and you were pregnant your price was knocked up so that's

where the term i got knocked up because it's your price is up as a slave shut why was the price up if you had a baby in you because they got two? You got two humans for the price of one. So your price got a little knocked up or it was like

it wouldn't be, it would be like, you know, whatever, a few more dollars or something like that. I learned that at the Charleston Slave Market. Great tour.

And honestly, what's so wild about that is now in our country, if you're knocked up, you go down. Nobody wants that. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, what's so wild about that is now in our country, if you're knocked up, you go down. Nobody wants that. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Well, that's like, too, even now, like, you know, again, just loving history.

It's like back in the day, it was like the rich were fat and the poor were skinny. But now I feel like the rich are fat and the poor are skinny. And I'm just like, this is like this whole fucking world where you're like, when you read enough history, you're like, oh, shit, we're like going. Is that why you're gaining weight as you gain success i'm sure you're trying to put it back right yeah yeah wait but the richer fat is still a very asian thing like we love especially chinese people living in philippines like they love a fat baby you can't whisper fat is baby means rich as family oh i love interesting i just there's something in me is, I'm feeling called upon this to like bring Chris to the Skokie Holocaust Museum.

I don't know why, but just how German you look. I feel like you should just come there and just like. You can role play Anne Frank. Wow. Just have a good time. I know, when I went to Dachau concentration camp when I was in Germany, just like, you know, they give like a tour and the tour guide,

he was actually Filipino guy, but he was a German tour guide. He was like, yeah, he was like, you, he was like, you have like a pretty striking German look. He was like, it makes me a little uncomfortable, but he was saying it in a silly way, but that's because I was doing pull-ups off the top of the gas. I was like, I was Hell yeah. I was like, home. These are my boys. I did an open mic there. You started an ambush show? An ambush chamber show in the showers?

Yeah. To counter all of the Holocaust talk, I'd like to present something more wholesome information. I'd like to present something more wholesome information. And that is, did you guys know that Beatles perform oral sex onto each other to entice the female for copulation? Ringo and George Harrison? Sorry. So wait, so you're saying Beatles will blow each other? Not blow. But the male will perform fellatio on the on the woman okay to entice her it's like basically he's giving her foreplay and before he has sex with her yeah but i feel like humans do

that too right i know but then this idea that you know that's such a human thing or such like a high primate thing is actually might not be true after all not true at all yeah i know they say the same thing about like monogamy too like all monogamy is like a human construct but there's a lot of animals i think that are like monogamous totally lobsters yeah yeah some penguin i think yeah yeah that's pretty interesting that's pretty that's so funny how hard they try to make monogamy a thing or not a thing well maybe i'm looking at the wrong direction hey i'm like are you following me on twitter no it is like i mean when sex and dawn when sex at dawn came out it was just like what sex at dawn it's a book about how no like humans shouldn't be

monogamous oh yeah and it's about you've got to stop pretending like you don't know about this book i have a signed copy but i just know like couples that like you know all of a sudden they start reading sex at dawn it's signed with a girl's tit print um and you know and then all of a sudden they're reading it and then it always ends up like their marriage is over i i've been in a poly relationship and that lasted for years um there is i think there are people out there who really successfully do it like i have a girlfriend of mine who's been in a relationship with two other women for years they're married well they're married and they have a girlfriend and when i look at their lives i'm like fuck this is the life that i want it looks so fun I think maybe

it looks more fun because they're all women okay they're all women well I I there's a audience there's two audience members that I've seen a bunch they've been hanging out I don't know if you've seen them too but they're like they look like they read like a lesbian couple but I'm doing my crowd work with them and they're like no we have a third but I don't know why the third never comes but I see them all the time I'll take a picture of them next time. I bet you see them. But it's funny. So maybe there's one for each of us. Yeah.

Look, if it were up to me, I'd have nine husbands. And that's a fact. I just feel like I've had boyfriends that have already been in open relationships. And what I gather from them wanting to be in a relationship is they literally want to fuck like all day long. I'd have seven husbands. Sleepy, mopey. You're a dopey. all day long i'd have i'd have seven husbands sleepy out of those nine husbands that i want i think i'd probably only have like one or two for sex all of the other things are more like um everyday life stuff like he does the plumbing this guy's good at this this guy's good at that you just need a time i don't need to fuck all nine is

what i'm saying like having sex with that many men's exhausting one or two is enough there was a time like a year ago where jasmine was like listen i know you like go on the road or whatever you're a good dad she's like you can do whatever you want like as long as you don't bring home any problems and no other babies and no disease or anything you can do whatever you want just leave that shit in whatever city you're in and we won't and it's like unspoken how fast did you fuck this up i swear to god since she told me that it's almost like she released me mentally from the prison i haven't even attempted to do anything with any woman on my nothing zero yeah yeah that's amazing because maybe it is it's that feeling trapped part or something that's what it was it was a mental

it becomes a temptation when it's something that's forbidden right if it's something that's what it was it was a mental trick it becomes a temptation when it's something that's forbidden right if it's something that's not forbidden then you reframe it in your head as something that oh i can do this anytime any this is i'm sorry this is just exactly how my relationship with cinnamon rolls works like once i've said like you can have it whenever you want it it's like not a big deal. Intuitive banging. Yeah. Yeah. Intuitive banging. I had a guy tell me that once about his girlfriend where he said his girlfriend gave him like full freedom and he like didn't want it. Yeah.

I just don't. I don't even. It's just like I don't know. I'm like, I'll just not. I mean, Todd has freedom. The girls don't. No, I love when Todd gets it. It's like my favorite thing.

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. You guys have been together a long time now, right? Yes. Since like right before the pandemic not oh wow that's good you made it through most of the pandemic and he's not a fucking comic except he did used to do open mics and people will come up and be like

still doing mics and i'm like we need it no one that thinks you did open mics yeah they can't be a part of this i gotta be gone well i told him when we first were dating i was like if you want to meet my friends you have i have to never meet. Sorry I keep touching your knee, Jazzy. It's not on purpose. I don't care. No, it's okay. I've already came to Carlos. I'm not leaving this room until the black lipstick goes on, I think. Yeah.

I just want to see it. I put it on perfectly. Do you want to put it on? Oh, you're going in the bottom first. That's a new technique. Wow. Wait. Oh, the bottom of the lip. This is actually amazing because you're doing it so differently like the fact that you're staying on your lips of like

because i would dab it yeah yeah oh yeah and you might want to make them fuller the top what does that mean fuller like over line over the line yeah yeah fake your lips yeah i when people especially new yorkers when they get like offended when you're making jokes i want to scream yeah i'm like it's just so unacceptable do i get in the lip too you can't not too much no but just enough that it's perfect because it'll yeah uh-huh honestly looks great you think so yeah thank you it makes your eyes and honestly we knew you were gonna to look good, Gath. We knew it. Yeah.

I like it. Have you ever, like, enjoyed a little eyeliner? You know how boys always, like, there's always a Halloween costume involving some sort of makeup? I don't know that I enjoyed it. What I will say is that the times that we used to do guy code and girl code and get, like, full makeup, I never would take a wipe. I would keep it on for the rest of the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, this looks good. I would stay with the makeup on for the remainder. Jaz is there makeup who did you fuck last night like it's actually my own makeup it's me no oh yeah oh my god when they would do that chris thank you so much thank you like fulfilling our goth fantasy of course i wish i mean yeah i guess i'm not the most goth guy but you know that was it yeah we got we got what we needed right here we needed yeah yeah no it's it's it's good happy to be goth i feel good here i will keep this on i think i'm definitely gonna get back in the uber with this yeah oh i dare you

100 just do it and don't say anything i always forget when i'm like doing some sort of prop thing and then i like i'll just be out in a fucking cheerleading costume. Yeah. Chris, we love you. Thank you. We hope you'll come back one day. 100%. And we like to call ourselves rotten sperm because we all had really old dads when we were conceived. Actually, you'd like this fact.

My dad is about seven years older than Anne Frank. Wow, older than Anne Frank. You liked World War II. He liked World War I. So how old is your father? He's dead, but he would have been 100. Whoa. That's very, very, very interesting.

Wow. I like that. You know, I just learned that the last person whose father fought in the Civil War in 1861, 1865, just died like six months ago. There was somebody, a guy who fought in the Civil War in 1861 1865 just died like six months ago there was somebody guy who fought in the Civil War he had his child when he was 80 oh that man lived to like 99 and just died recently so it's like but his a man who was walking around his actual direct father was a Civil War this is why I think that I have really bad genetics is because I'm actually an older prototype than you and you.

Because it's like I skipped, I'm from a generation long before. We cut you open, it's boomer the whole way. No, it's true. I think I'm a boomer inside. That's why I have a heart condition. I have like weird autoimmune stuff is because my shit just hasn't evolved to your level.

You just look so healthy. I just like cannot believe it. I know. It's like so hard that's what pisses me off she fucking spearfishes and shit she's like oh my god but i have like frail frailties about me that really pisses me off and that's why i don't i don't recommend having old daddies so you're good i'm glad you got your kids out the way i feel healthy we're fine i'm i'm gonna have to meet with an old dad no matter what so yeah but not in his 60s i

made him the young zaddy oh yeah and all my sperm went in it wasn't like oh i'll pull out and then it was like it wasn't both my children are not like pre-com children it's like full load yeah kids so that's positive that's why i think they're so you know like i just gave it daddy left it in yeah yeah i left i gave you everything woke up in the morning it's like in that third eye blind something like when they fell asleep

inside you or whatever when I fell asleep I was like and did you wake up inside me still get it out get it out guys thank you for tuning in

please like and subscribe to this video and channel our dads are old we need this we don't have financial support from daddy and let us know who should be our surrogate.

You would stud me money. Yes. Comment what you think. Like who should be, who should we get as our surrogates? Maybe we should all get the same person. All right. We'll see you guys next week.