Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Cry Baby Girls

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors:   BetterHelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday Manscaped - Get 20% off + free shipping at http://www.manscaped.com with the code TRASH  Magic Spoon - Go to https://magicspoon.com/tuesday and use our promo code tuesday at checkout to save five dollars off your order Trash Tuesday Livestream Replay: https://momenthouse.com/trashtuesday Trash Tuesday Merch: http://slugfam.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Official Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/trashtuesdayclips Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera Editor: Andres Rosende --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message

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finally like let us know that. What her name, who she is. Finally let us be her friends. I'm like so grateful right now. You guys, I and Annie, I and Annie,

I Annie, we do stand up comedy and we're going to tell you where we're going to be. So in May, this coming month soon, I'm going to be in Minneapolis and in Chicago and Denver and you can get tickets at Esther on ice.com. And I think

sleepover might finally be back. Check out sleepover by Esther.com to see if there's a new drop. If not, there'll be one soon. All right, what's up sluggies? I am so excited to be on the road. I've been having the most fun with you. The this stand up is fun, but the meet and greets are insane. I love when you guys come take pictures with me. I will be in San Jose, California. I will be in Donya Beach, Florida. I will be in Omaha, Nebraska. Then in June, I will be in St. Louis, Missouri, Houston, Texas, Burbank, California, West Nyack, Austin, Texas. Go to Annie Letterman.com slash shows. It's unbelievable to meet you. I can't wait to see you guys. If you've already been please come again. I love you. You guys if you haven't heard about anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain.

It's free shocking that Esther that's what you were about to say, right? Yes, it's free. Uh huh. It's always number one on our list. It's everyone wants to freaking start a podcast this is the easiest way we're about to tell you there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and and and they will distribute your podcast for you so it it can be heard from spotify apple podcasts and all of the platforms basically, you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's the best. I mean, imagine that. That's like the lowest, that's low pressure. Everything you need. Just that one with Anchor. Everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Just download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.

By the way, Annie, taking off the toupee from the live show. It was very hard, right? Yeah. Is that why you really did it? It's like you gave me this crazy chore. I wanted you,

no, I wanted, well, that's a bun bonus. I really honestly did not know that would happen, but I was trying to give you It's like getting someone a pet. Yeah, or a turtle I wanted, well, that's a bun bonus. I really honestly did not know that would happen, but. It was two hours. I was trying to give you. It's like getting someone a pet. Yeah, or a turtle that lives longer than you and you can't touch it.

If you touch it, you could die. You have to set a savings account aside to take care of it when you're dead. You leave it to your, you just have kids just so they can take care of your turtle. Okay, wait. His toupee. I wanted it to get cut like i wanted you to have like a fly haircut i didn't know it was going to be placed atop your head like also the fact that she put glue on your existing little baby hair i thought she was going to shave

it down i thought so too and i could kind of see from a distance but i didn't want to like alert you and scare you because i didn't want you to back out of it. But in my mind, I was like- I wanted you to try to back out and I wanted you to see what happened. No, I was never going to back out of that, but it definitely hurts so much taking it off with even with the adhesive.

It like plucked it. It like waxed your head. Because I called him that night. I was like, just so you know, when you take that wig off, like I know you like your baby hairs. So like use an oil to try to did it work or no like um it like 85 percent work do you have to use acetone i used what the lady gave me the adhesive oh tell tell them about you went to oh yeah and i like left my adhesive here and i was all the way in

burbank and so i went to some salon and it was all old ladies and i was like hey this is a toupee they're like no shit they're like you say a toupee they were redirecting me to sally beauty which i guess is a big chain to find weren't they like all excited you do not know what sally beauty supply is i didn't know what it was you are not gay this is your this is your coming out you're straight that i'm straight thank you like you just heard of it for the first time? That's kind of cool, though, that I don't know what Sally Beauty is. No, I don't. Being gay or straight is not cool.

Neither is uncool or cool. I just. You want me to be honest. We want to know what you are. I've told you for years, 10 years, I'm straight. Okay. So what are the rumors circulating? It's confirmed now because of the Sally's.

What are the rumors circulating about Carlos Esther? One rumor is that he and you have like a side thing going on sexually. Like I have male friends in my bed all the time. But it's just, I don't know. I just don't see it as any different if it's like truly there's no sexual feeling. No, this is my feminist platform.

Like Carlos could literally, like I give him permission to- Those are your feminist platforms? Literally. Like when he was adjusting my vagina for the live show. Like I feel so comfortable doing that but why can we break down why is it because you know you're not gonna fuck him he's been here no he's not gonna try to

fuck you yeah because you're he's an old pal that puss he's you know he's been eating out my pussy for the last two years oh god so you know it's more than a comfortable thing for me he's been bobby standing you know what i was thinking about similar height similar height very different body shape okay so i got a massage when i was in arizona i went to sedona a couple weeks ago for a little spiritual journey if this doesn't end with you getting molested i don't want i didn't get molested but i wanted to i wanted to to ask you guys if you have this feeling too, where I'm sure there will be a new molestation at some point. I'm sick of like mining these old molestations.

I know there's hundreds of them. Annie, we need new. New molested. No, Todd will defend me. I know, but let's really bait them this time. We can't ask for it. We need new stories. But okay, wait.

So, all right so i'm getting this massage and um my one of my like mentors lives out there and he was like you should get a massage from this guy and he was of course so hot my mentor's gay so it was like the hottest guy and he was like no no he's really good i'm like okay really is he a good miss like he was so he ended up being a great massage therapist i'll i forgot his fucking name i'll say it on instagram but um super good looking guy and i was like gonna shave my legs before just to not be embarrassed but i do that when i get pedicures too i always want to like i don't want to but then i realized that's actually giving into some sort of thing where i'm trying to seem attractive or

perfect to other people who are not in my life sexually but i was gonna say do you feel like if you go get a massage or like even like I've been going to the egg doctor and I'm like, I kind of don't want to shave my pussy before I go. Like, I don't want there to be any. I don't want to like look good there. Well, can I say something crazy I learned on TikTok this week? Yeah.

That women shaving their legs and underarms was invented because razor companies wanted to sell to women. Like it's all, it was like a money scheme. Like it's no, it's just, it's nothing. Yeah, but it's so hard to unprogram that in your head. Like that to me is really hard. Because when I do see a woman with hairy legs. It might be hard for you. It's been really, it's been very hard for me with you.

When we were at Whitney's over the pandemic, Esther took her pants off. And it was, I mean, was this the first time we were meeting Olivia? Oh, maybe it was. I think it was like, we're going to leave. And then it was like, Olivia Munn's coming over. We could hang out a little bit longer.

And at that point, you weren't thinking, oh, dear God, I have to find a razor. No. Esther's Esther. Esther didn't give a shit. I really respect that about you. Yeah, I wish I had a story behind it. razor no esther's esther esther don't give a shit i really respect that about you yeah i it just yeah i wish i had like a story behind it it's just i just don't shave often she had i know what you

mean though annie because i before i got here i was at a dermatologist yeah i know i was just gonna say your skin looks really fucking good that's not what he said i have really bad um eczema outbreak on my um that i covered it up yeah on my chest and then thank you milk thank you milk um but um you know i also have a couple dry patches on my torso on my body and one in between my ass crack that's just an eczema patch well i've only seen that part wet i can't imagine that being dry just really it it's like a delicious donut like a uh a nice half filipino donut and um i felt the same i that thought did cross my mind like should i you know appear a certain way yeah you know and he was a male dermatologist but it's like sick it's like

why am i thinking this yeah and you're literally molested by a doctor it's like it's crazy it's like what is like what is in our heads that just keeps going? And I did, usually I go really fucked up looking to the doctor. I actually kind of looked okay. And I'm like, oh my God, I did this. I did it again. What do guys expect from us? Like, what do you want from us?

It reminds me of like when I was in middle school and high school, when you had two options of either being a cocktease or a slut. There was no other fucking option. were you lester oh nice absolutely neither but you don't remember for them to ask her to be either too short for anyone to notice i was there um yeah no i had one boyfriend in high school though and yeah yeah i had a boyfriend in high school break through my window my my the head of the bed was um to my window and i used to live by marshall high school in pasadena and he played for the baseball team in marshall high school and i guess i fell asleep and i didn't pick up the phone the night before so he broke through my window and he like from the window because my

head my head was to the window he like punched me awake wait what is this story we just punched me how old were you uh 16 your high school and what high school boyfriend did he was the tooth fairy he was trying to grab some teeth he was trying to get some teeth he broke the window who paid no no no my window he didn't smash through the window? Who paid to fix it? No, no, no, no. My window. He didn't smash through the window. My window was where I would go in and out of the house. He smashed through her words window. So he opened the window. He pried the window open. It was one of those things that would swing open.

My head was through the window. And I was probably like this. It's so good. And he was like, you fucking slut. And then he punched me straight down. And I was like. Anything that happens when you're asleep. Because I've had a boyfriend who used to wake me up screaming at me while i was like dead asleep that didn't suck his dick enough i literally my tmj would be i'm

like i'm grinding my teeth because my tmj is so tight from sucking your dick so much like a violent like obviously being punched is different but like being screamed at you like you fucking i'm like being you're in a fucking dream you're like floating you're doing something cool maybe you're naked at school worst case scenario my sister dated a guy once where he needed to have and he needed to drain his balls every night that was his thing why must you say it that way i don't know how else to say it yeah because it is like it's like he had to extract the poison yeah extract the poison yeah so when she wouldn't when she would deny him the drainage he would be my sister would be like he would just sit in a dark corner in the bedroom and

start ripping pillowcases yes and she would be like the feathers yeah the feathers kind of just do this in the dark. And she was like, it was so fucking creepy. What are you like fucking the thing? That's what it was. Like the feathers were just going. But that's the thing too. It's like get a pocket pussy or something.

It's like you can only do. Because I was like, I was in the spin of the toxicity of this relationship too. Like I was like, okay, I'll obey you, I guess. But I could only do so much. You could like, it was crazy. Like I would fuck him like three times a day. Oh my God, Annie. And then he like, I would suck his dick sometimes,

but it was hard to suck. I have fucking a medical condition. Do you guys get a doctor's note? It was honestly, I mean, I should have. To get some sleep. I fucking should have. I should have had the doctor call in the middle of the night.

Like I know that I page him like it's happening again. Honestly, sex every day is boring. It's just not. It's boring. But here's the thing. And we did have good sex and stuff, but it wasn't enough for him because he was quenching some sort of thirst that would never be quenched because he's sick. And even good sex every day eventually just becomes boring.

Can I tell you? Okay, so I don't know if I should even. I don't like I do want to keep things private, but also it's like Todd and I had this conversation. We're in the wrong profession. I think this is good for people. I mean, I have no privacy. I've never kept a secret. I can keep other people's secrets, which is so weird.

That's my codependency. I actually in the same way, like when it comes to me, though, I will just spill it. But I know it's hard because it's like whatever. Yeah. You don't even shave your pussy. Esther was wearing it was a long sleeve shirt too of a the swimsuit was like long on the top and then it looked like

it was long on the bottom and then you realize it was just a bikini bottom but her pussy hair was so long it looked like board shorts look if you're gonna have this thick luscious hair

on top it's gonna transfer over to all parts and that's why I have clip-ins all over my asshole that's that's actually untrue

because a lot Asian women have very beautiful like thick hair but their hair less than the legs most of the time sorry about that Esther she's such a bitch because a lot of asian women have very beautiful like thick hair but they're hairless in the legs most of the time she's sorry about that talking about it too of course wait what were you just talking about when i just interrupted myself oh okay so todd okay so todd and i i was like we gotta fuck because we hadn't fucked in a while i was like we gotta fuck or whatever and we were like making out and stuff and then like i was trying to we

gotta fuck i was trying to we gotta fuck i was just getting like really i started to just get in my head about like how i hadn't fucked him in a while and i was like getting like so upset with myself and i was like you know i'm just like damaged all this stuff and todd was like there's todd was like there's nothing wrong with you he's like any and then he was like he's like anyone he's, he's like, we're normal. We decide what's normal. We decide what's healthy. It's not what other people do. And it was just so.

Todd said this? Yes. Todd is a king. He is the number one. And his ego is not attached into like getting pussy. Like, you know, so many guys like they need to get your pussy. It's not even about fucking you or like being with you or having that connection. It's like getting your pussy.

Let me have that or whatever. And it's not not all guys it's just a certain type of guy but todd's like we live in this like industry with these fucking guys that just want to fuck everyone like they're sick those are the people that are like they can't keep their dick in their pants they have to fuck fuck fuck they never feel good it's never enough he's like those people are the unhealthy people we're not the unhealthy people i like i love what he said like you guys decide what's right for you and i like as someone who's been in a relationship with the same person for almost 10 years like i am so over the friends i have who are like we we have sex four times a week i'm like that's a lie you're lying or you've been together for less than a year like or you're they have an upswing

they're having an upswing they also might have that might be they might have matching um love languages which are physical touch like it just like depends like it's just my intimacy like todd and i are very cuddly and stuff like that and we still fuck but it's just like not it's not the number one yeah a healthy sex life can look any way you want it to look right because i think the unhealthiest sex life I ever had was something similar to Annie's, where I felt obligated to have sex with my partner every night for four years.

And one could say, oh, we fuck every day. I mean, that sentence alone would make another person feel like, oh, I'm inadequate. I'm not fucking every day. But if she were to ask more, I'd be like, I hate it, actually. I'm not happy great you know this is not you know what i want i just feel like somehow things are not going to be good in our relationship if you know we don't partake in that yeah like every night you know i know and it's so

weird because you do have like you like i think dr drew said that where it's like you get like almost like sexually bipolar where it's like sometimes you're on sometimes you're off but i realize like how much is that i'm trying to like reevaluate how much of all this has always been about like looking good to men pleasing men some sort of like reliving this fucking shit I went through over and over again and it is like it's hard to sift through that and now that I'm in like a healthy relationship it's so nice to not have to like there's no pressure put on me and that sucks because i know there's a lot of people who the men are just like really hypersexual and the women just can't like keep up like it sucks and that's something you have to work out or whatever but it's just

right and i know sometimes you sometimes you gotta just it's it's weird it's weird to be with someone for a very very long time and expect to feel that just magnetism to them right like i mean even for bobby like i know when he first met me like we were very sexual with one another we would have sex everybody chill multiple times a day we were very attracted to each other it was very animalistic but as the years went on you know he became very deeply addicted to porn and i felt then very very like, secondary to that porn, because that's eventually what he preferred, because number one, it was convenient, it was fast. And it was something that he could do alone without engaging without the the the work of having to engage with a partner, right? And he'll talk about this openly, where, even in the last three years of our relationship like that's been such a sore

point for us the fact that i almost convinced myself that maybe i could be in a relationship without sex at all because i was like okay let's maybe what i'm feeling is a that i maybe i've become asexual or maybe i don't need sex or maybe because something unhealthy was happening in our relationship and i just felt how do i say um like i just felt that like completely physically useless yeah i stopped doing my nails doing my hair looking pretty wore sweatpants all day and i almost desexualized myself because i didn't want to be hurt like it hurt me so much that he had chosen this all alternate option for sexual release right and um you know eventually we got to it wasn't until last year where everything sort of came to a head and you know he said something to me that

i never felt was there was nothing i could have heard that was more earth-shattering to me which is it would bring me relief if you had sex with someone else like it verbatim out of his mouth and he said this in therapy it would and this is not bobby speaking this is addict bobby right this is someone addicted to porn this is addict bobby right this is someone addicted to porn this is someone addicted on you know who had committed to relapsing on drugs this is somebody for three years has been a dry drunk and i felt very like sexually neglected and he straight up looked me in the face and said it would bring me relief if you had sex with someone else. And I remember crying for a whole week.

I remember just being like, I don't know. Like, I think that my pussy left my body in that moment. Like, I was like, well, well, let's just. I think there's a lot of people out there with catcher's mitts on right now. Let me catch that fly ball. Do you know what I mean? So it's like, you know, and then when people view us, they think, oh, they're in a, you know, perfect decade-long relationship. And this is what I'm here to tell you guys is that sex is a very, very complicated, layered thing. I'm somebody who's sexually abused.

Bobby is someone who's sexually abused. Maybe we were like sort of ambivalent and dancing around this this idea of both being sort of sexually broken people coming into this union together and trying to sort of think that we're supposed to be this healthy unit but it's not that simple you know and finally we're at a place now where we can like tackle it head on and we can do it in an honest way that's so funny i imagine you guys fuck like sumo wrestlers like you literally tackle each other um but it's still such a big barrier for us because we've been so almost like we're intimate like in the sense that we hug we kiss we do all that but it's such a big barrier for us and it's been years since we've truly sort of like been or felt super sexual towards each other but it doesn't mean our relationship

is is is is not working our sexual relationship is not working well it's just things you have to keep checking up on too because it's like everyone like changes and evolves but it's like when you can't be honest with each other or like how that must have felt for you when he said like that it would be a relief for him or you're like what now like my natural like the things that i need in life are like a burden on you or whatever is what i would that's how i would have felt i also go back to what todd said it's like we are making this up as we go there's no just because like the people who came before us did it one way doesn't mean that that's the right way or there's no there is no right way like you're right and here's what i really like grinds my gears a little bit is when people think that very traditional old school

possessive monogamy is the way to do it and those are the people who have not been in long-term relationships. Those are the people who have, who are very closed off to the idea that, you know what, whatever happens between two people is the agreement between those two people. And I don't know why I want to sit on it. Does that make me molested? I want to put that inside me.

I mean, you got to spread it a little bit. But do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. But also those people, if it works for you, it doesn't mean it works for everyone else. It's so weird that there's like, and I think these things all came out to try to like help people with their sex life.

It's sort of like, well, you know, like to have a good relationship, you need to have like a healthy sex life or whatever. But then it puts things into both people's minds where it's like men are looking, I'm assuming that the men is, it's not always the case that the man is the one that's more sexual than the woman ever, obviously. But it's like, you know, it just puts in people's heads that there's supposed to be a certain amount of, there's this thing outside of what your relationship is that you're supposed to be aiming for.

And you're not like communicating with the person. I just don't like that feeling of like, because I think I have so much shame around sex that it's like, I'll like sneak masturbate and stuff. But it's so funny because we're like so in each other's shit Todd always like walks in on me yeah so that's great because that's like busting that yeah me because I don't want that that's like a shame thing that's a thing where it's like I'm supposed to be doing this like alone and people aren't supposed to I don't think for everyone but I'm saying for me yeah well like yeah you know what I mean and it was like this

sort of because obviously masturbation is like I mean I think pretty great it is but you know there's a lot of there are still people online wherever who are like very anti-porn anti-masturbating obviously I know Bobby took it to the point of extreme but I know for me like in my life we I I consider myself to be someone that has a healthy sex life that also includes like doing it by yourself yeah when you want to yeah and there's no judgment on that because it's like sometimes that is what you want to do totally and and i think that you know um you know there's just we gotta stop with thinking there's one way to just be sexually healthy we gotta stop with thinking there's one way to just be sexually healthy. You guys, we talk about a lot of crazy stuff today. And that's why I'm so glad our sponsor is BetterHelp. And we want you to check out BetterHelp at betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday.

It's not just help. It's BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy, something we all, something we think everyone needs. And we honestly can't shut up about it, can we? No. And you know what I want to talk about today is burnout. And that is something that I get a lot of help in therapy for. And I think we're all sort of collectively feeling it right now. Like the world is picking back up. We're go, go, go, go, go. And I think a lot of us are experiencing burnout

and need help with that better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to and trust me that's a good thing on my really difficult days i don't want to be on video with anyone i just want to sit in a dark corner and talk to someone on the phone and that's available to you as well depending on the therapist. I'm not sure if I want to see them or not. I'm turning their camera off. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. And you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. And you just can save $1,000 on gas. Also, guys, we just really want to remind you that it's okay to prioritize yourself.

Yeah. In fact, it's a necessary thing to prioritize yourself. And you're hearing that from three co-host dependents. It's actually not okay to not prioritize. Yeah, you have to take yourself. Like, I feel like I learned that today, just listening and being a part of this episode today. No offense. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Trash Tuesday listeners get 10% off their

first month at betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. Annie, can you spell? That is B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash trash Tuesday. You guys, all the college babes out there, summer's around the corner. Listen, the most Esther's going to do is use a little manscape in some areas. It's not going to be a lot. We are very much okay with hair. We just need to feel like you care a little bit about, you know, our comfort.

And part of that is just grooming and scaping. Yes. Have you ever gone down on a guy and then you just get kind of this like friction rash like around your, on your face? Yes. Or how about when it looks like you've been laying on a pillow because their hair has gotten in your skin? It's just, just be good to us, okay? Just trim them. You are wanting that from us.

We want it back. I use Todd's. Todd sometimes will put an A in there. He'll surprise me with some shapes. An A. Ooh, shapes. We love shapes. Be fun.

Have fun. I mean, we are a manscaped household. We use all their products. Todd wears the underwear. We use the body washes, the ball washes, all of it. And their fourth-generation trimmer features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce his grooming accidents thanks to their advanced skin-safe technology. The Lawn Mower 4.0 has a 7,000 RPM motor.

I don't know what it means, but it sounds fancy. A new multifunction on-and-off switch can engage a travel lock and gives him the ability to turn on our favorite feature, the 400K LED spotlight on and off when needed for a more we love the spotlight i can't do anything without the spotlight personally and when i'm manscaping my manscape for christmas every man in my life got the performance package 4.0 because they have they don't just have the trimmer they have the weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer they have the croppers of ribald deodorant the rev Reviver Toner, Boxer Briefs, their first

shed travel bag even to hold his goodies. And guys, sorry, go ahead. I was just going to say, I like the travel lock too because you don't want, I mean, if you're going through TSA and your thing is buzzing, they're not going to think. It's a ripper. They're just going to pull your dildo out. They're going to pull it out thinking what it is. Guys like nice things that are made for them too.

You'd be surprised. There's men in your life that would really appreciate this that maybe wouldn't get it for themselves. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code TRASH at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code TRASH at manscaped.com. It's time for him to trim off those spring flowers this summer and give his

beach balls a shine with Manscaped. flowers this summer and give his beach balls a shine with manscaped to your point about feeling like we had to hide our masturbation it's so funny because like we were like like overly sexualized as kids right and i feel the same way like i and i sometimes i feel like a fraud because i talk about sex so openly with an audience with you guys but when it comes to myself there's those tiny moments where i feel like i still have to like hide my pleasure right or you know like we talked about like hiding my face yeah hide my face i have to just like force myself to be like there is nothing wrong here yeah because it always reads as wrong like it really it's really hard for me like in sexual

it just feels like really bad yeah unless it's like you know like the perfect scenario but how often is it the perfect scenario no one told us that we could enjoy it that are that they cared about our enjoyment is why it was their enjoyment their pleasure was priority and ours was secondary and that was most of our young adult and now i have a partner who is like the i mean i wouldn't say he's the complete opposite like he obviously enjoys his own pleasure but it's like he is like i derive pleasure from you having pleasure from you feeling good from helping you feel good making you feel good or however and it's just like so weird esther you Esther, you look like you've always just prioritized your pleasure.

I certainly have gone through versions of things you guys are talking about. Of course, I will say I would personally like to outlaw the use of the word pocket pussy because it does imply to me that like a pussy is something that is like an object that you can grab and put in your pocket and have like a fake version of which maybe that's hers left her body yeah i imagine hers like the the um the gateway uh remember the old computers had the toaster oven with the like how about it's either like you want to fuck a person or an object? I see what you're saying. Separate those two. So what should we call it?

A contraption? A consnap-tion? Is it a sex toy? Is it a, what, I don't know. Well, dildos, I guess, are a completely new word. It's not like a severed dick. So you're saying maybe we should also not have penis, veiny penis-shaped dildos.

You can. I don't know. I've never, also, also other misconception I've noticed is that guys think vibrators are dildos. Like, I don't think guys know the difference. Right, they don't know anything. Guys just think, like, all we want to use. Carlos, chime in.

No, I just feel like I know the difference. But you were married. That's why. I feel like if you've been married, you bought like a rabbit vibrator yeah yeah but guys rabbits are both the rabbit vibrator goes in and has the thing on top like i have never yeah guys she did put it in okay yeah guys don't know like a like i've never had a dildo i've only ever had a vibrator right like i feel like everyone i know is like that i went through i had a dildo i've only ever had a vibrator right like i feel like everyone i know is like that i went through i had a dildo phase but it was really yeah it was short-lived

i couldn't sustain it i think there was one that like suctioned onto the wall i was like there are things you can do but i'm like is this who is this when there's no one else here i'm like who is this for how sad is it that you have to like then pull it out and then readjust because the height was wrong. Yeah, you're like, okay, wait. You're like, you're going up to the mirror like, oh, okay, wait. You're licking the end like, oh, all right. It falls off midway.

You're like, what the hell? Also, I would like to picture you saying, who is this for? And then calling me. You're just on FaceTime. Oh, my neighbors could hear it but there i went through like a really kind of fun masturbation time where i had learned that you can you can like manifest manifest well when you masturbate what so i used to yes i used to put money on this one i was broke oh my god i just put money on my bed and i would like put light candles, give myself like a whole experience,

have like, I have like a silk leopard print robe and I would just like woo myself. But also like, I would like say out loud the things that I wanted while I was coming. And so I would say like Netflix or like whatever. And then I was like, I should have said Netflix special because it probably just gave me like $7.99 in my account. But I used to scream like Tesla when I would come.

Like my neighbors were like, what the hell is going on? I like can't even imagine using my brain to think about other things while that's happening. That's impressive. But Annie has a very- I can't imagine the opposite. Honestly, I'm like doing my taxes in my head i'm like okay gotta call my dad um another thing that you know we were talking about how we

prepare our bodies for doctor's appointments for tiny things like that i realize i prepare my body before i masturbate i have to be showered it's this weird fucking thing i'm telling you like i wish i could just have even freedom with myself you don't have morning sex with yourself i don't i have to empty my bladder i have to wash well that's good it's hard to come if i have to pee i can't really come if i have to pee wash yeah i have to wash i have to be like sort of like in what i consider like pristine condition and i'm like why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be a dirty slut to myself? I do that with boyfriends sometimes too,

where it's like, I'm like, oh, I don't want to like smell. Like Todd's always like, I like how you smell. Like I like, you know, and I've had to have boyfriends really like talk me into that because I've so much like fear and shame. They're biologically geared to want that smell and we're washing off that smell. And it's like, I like smell like their balls

for two hours afterwards. Me too. like literally like they dabbed their balls spicy ball and you know how like cum sort of smells like chlorine it tastes like like bleach it's like wow that's a very good cum you're swallowing because some of the stuff that i've gotten down my throat is not bleachy well it's a competing brand but i want to talk about it so bad todd takes hymns and it makes his semen thinner hair thicker semen thinner is one of the things which is so funny like look at this skinny jizz i it's so interesting you you want to be so clean because i feel like the most like excited i get is literally when I feel so filthy. Like if I just had like a cheeseburger.

You would never have sex if that wasn't the case. Yeah, that's true. I've told you this, Esther. I really do want to get to that level of like, fuck it. It's just let's be animals. All right, we have to have stinky pussy sex this week. I'm going to try to stinky pussy masturbate first before I move on to the sex. Okay.

Because I was like, eat a cheeseburger. Feel gross. Do I shove the cheeseburger up there? No, no. But it's just like the way the cheeseburger makes you feel. You're just like, oh, I'm trash. Like, might as well fuck. I think my problem, though, is like in sex, my brain, because I have dark feelings towards

sex, my brain is trying to like disassociate and get to other places. So I feel like if I'm full, that might not help me. I'll be like, oh, you know, like it's like my brain's looking for excuses to not have pleasure. Also, it's like for me, the fear of possibly farting so loud when I cum. It's just like a fear that like keeps me up at night. Has it ever happened? It has. It's a fear that wakes Todd up in the morning.

Yeah, because everything sort of like tightens, right? Do you not fart in front of Bobby? I don't fart in front of Bobby. You don't? I finally did last week. Of all the boyfriends you can fart in front of, I have probably farted onto his face at some point. Into his mouth directly. Just really in an incredibly non-sexual way. I'm so glad you guys

are filling in that spot for me. Then I feel like, okay, he has no shortage of farts in his face but i i farted for the first time in front of him because we're working on things in front of him you're like in the therapy and they're like squeeze it out kalilah squeeze it well that's what i did that's exactly what happened and i ended up sharting because he because we we had you know we were in the cat we were on the couch and he was like come on, it'll make me feel so much closer to you. So I was like, okay, okay, let me just, you know, brew one for you on the spot. But it took about 10 minutes and he had walked away.

As it does. Brew? I can't brew one. Oh, you sure can. You can Hebrew one. You can Hebrew one. So he walks away. And then finally I had brewed one.

And there was one in the chamber. So I call. I was like, Bobby, there's one. There's one. You got to come hurry before it goes away. So he sprints over to the room. And like with all my might, I push what I think is a fart. But it was only a half fart and half shit.

And immediately he was like, babe, you got to go check that. Immediately he was like, I never want to hear you do that again. He was so turned off. It backfired. He was like, please, for the love of God, never do that. I heard it front fired. I love that he's the expert on sharting. He's like, from what i heard i know you need to go to the bathroom exactly and you know he was not wrong he was not wrong i know

which one of your foster dogs licked that shit off funny you ask funny you ask you know what thank you for asking because the truth is i call all of my dogs over if there's an especially dirty panty to be had and i asked her don't even lie. I know you do the same. I don't call her over, but she finds me. It is funny. Sometimes I'm like, why today of all days? But she goes to town. Maybe she knows when you're ovulating.

Yeah. Because they do this thing where it's actually really cute where they roll over it like it's a dead carcass. They put it on their cheek. Oh, they're so happy. They're happy. And is that what boys want to do too? are boys just holding back is that what they're like interested in since you're straight wait you're straight today this episode you're straight so

do you want to like he's as straight as that roll around on a dirty underwear i feel like yeah like any sort of musky like thing is like a turn on so whether it's like the breath or panties or whatever it's a turn on I like that you're a real man Carlos isn't that such a relief you get to eat my pussy once a week while I wash that should be the next thing on the live my first stinky pussy sex is gonna be with Carlos

wait wait I have an idea the next live is Bobby has to figure out whose breath has your pussy on it wait or he has to figure out whose breath has your pussy on it. Wait, or he has to smell her pussy and just guess who ate it out? Was it me or Carlos? Oh my God. Okay, so Holy Week just passed.

Okay. What is that? I'm Jewish. As a Catholic, I'm here to tell you that for us, it was great growing up because we had the whole week off

from school it's like a federal holidays yeah for us so everyone goes to the beach and believe it or not holidays the week holy week is the week that's for you bitch that's it annie you're not wrong because everyone gets as fucked up as possible. We go to the beach towns or we go to places like Boracay and everyone gets shit-faced for Holy Week. Oh, that's fun.

That was a tradition. In the Philippines? In the Philippines. Over here, you guys are kind of like really stiff Catholics. All I know about Holy Week is that I'm not allowed to talk to my shaman

for seven days and it is not good. Why? Because he's doing his... Oh, he's rising too he's doing he's he's feeling the the jesus vibes on sunday on um do you text him and you're like have you risen i'm back i'm back hello yeah i can't imagine someone telling you seven days no talking like it's hard i don't know what that brings out of you but it can't be good

wait they have those retreats you know what it does it makes me handle my own shit and it's so sad that i need it like the other day i was having this like meltdown and i went to san francisco and i had by the way an incredible time i mean san francisco is our people i mean it's our people i came and i was like san francisco filled with the two things I love the most, crabs and Asian people. I'm so happy. Like seafood and Asian people. But it was like so fun. The shows were like just, it was just so fun.

But the first night, I just started talking shit and could not stop talking shit. And because I talk so much shit on other people, it came back to me so hard later that night. Like I went back to my hotel room. Todd came the next day, but it was just me. Josh had gone to bed. We'll, I don't know who with who,

but Josh was away having fun. I was like alone. I was alone in my hotel room and I started watching my sets from the week before at the comedy store. And I was high as shit. And I, every mean thing I said about anyone else came stabbing me in the face. Like I was like, I'm the worst comedian. I can't believe this. Like I just started feeling so

insecure. It was too late to call anyone. I couldn't like soothe with anyone else. I had to just like, deal with it, cry, feel horrible. Good for you. And then the next day, I'm like, trying to call my hypnotist. Bonnie McFarlane had COVID. I was like, like my soothers, my people I call were gone. It's Holy Week. I can't talk to my, like I was like, but I just had to get through it and then realize that it was a weird moment of just like allowing other people's,

like, I don't know. I just like, I just decided to like. Well, you know, that's like a common thing of like, if you're saying something about someone else it that's like a it it's a it's a scary thought when you realize it but a lot of people say that that means that's what you your insecurity about yourself is like a mirror yeah i don't know if that's true because i was talking some very specific shit i was really getting to that no but it was just like but what to what you're saying,

like, I do think it's like you open up that channel. Exactly. And then, and I think that it was like important for me to kind of like beat myself that way

because why should I be able to just like throw it out and then not also feel that way for myself? Speaking of self-flagellation. Yes. The flogging. Our little floggy girl.

Yeah. So I remember of during Holy Week. This is why I always say the Catholics are so tame here. Like what do Catholics do here? They go to church. They fuck some kids every once in a while. And like how do people celebrate Holy Week? You get school off on Friday and Monday.

Just Good Friday. That's it. That's it? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what it was. My Uncle Carlo, every... What every what so close it was so close my uncle carlo it would be a fun thing for our family to watch him get crucified oh yeah they had stations so yeah cross so like effort for for easter my family would go to the province

and then my uncle we would watch our uncle be crucified and that was a fun that yeah because we have to reenact the crucifixion of jesus was he holding on to the thing no no no no he gets nailed to a cross every year do people look it up look it's it's look it up right now look it up it's a big thing in the philippines people get crucified every year you have what if carlos couldn't type because there was so much blood coming out of his hands because he had done it this week? Reenactment. He really is Uncle Carlo?

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And be sure to use our promo code Tuesday at checkout to save $5 off your order. Also, what are you going to say no to cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, cookies and cream, maple waffle, blueberry cinnamon, and plus the newly reformulated honey nut flavor. Come on, guys. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product it's backed with a 100 happiness guarantee so if you don't like it for any reason they'll refund your money no questions asked i also the fact that you just listed the flavors is making me so hungry and i really want people if you're magic spoon people comment what flavor

you like because i'm team fruity and mix them mix them up team fruity remember get you remember get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash Tuesday and use the code Tuesday to save five dollars off thank you magic spoon for sponsoring this episode but what is all our favorite flavors oh I'm I'm a frosty for life I do peanut butter and cookies and cream together smart fruity Carlos blueberry okay who who's are you who whose team are you on see every year reenactment of jesus christ and it was always your uncle was it because he had the scar tissue um my uncle was he ended up being a murderer and he just actually got out of prison yeah your uncle yeah

and i i look back now i'm like well of course see these guys this is this is very tame back in the day they actually used to just have volunteers really go through the pain of crucifixion see look they have a nail through his hand oh my god he's crying that is crazy so you have the nail through his hand like that but they didn't give the straps to Jesus, did they? They didn't. They just made him suffer. Ours was just like a Mexican guy holding wood. Oh my God, who's wood? So this was my Uncle Carlo.

This is not really him. Oh my God, I was like, oh my God, he's... You guys, I didn't like religion before this. And now I... She's a gangster. I like the girl with the dreads watching. Really uncomfortable. The tourist is just hanging, smoking some weed but then uh some women too they they do the flogging

so they do the flagellation i literally feel like i'm gonna pass out this is so disturbing but he's happy to be doing that because he's feeling the pain that so he's he's jesus in this moment he's a star that's sad he's hurting himself you should never walk in on me masturbating by the way if you think that's bad wait i really want to know you're wrong i actually have walked in i really want to know everyone's oh face i don't think i even have anything exciting for that i don't either i'm very standard as bobby would say he always says you have standard pussy and standard old face. Oh god, that's gonna hurt. It does.

He said it on the live. He was like, he didn't say I had a standard pussy. He said my smell was very standard. I'm just telling you, after having dated a guy who said, who said I have hypersensitive smell, I am telling you it's better for someone to say that than for them to just dangle

in front of you that they can smell everything that you think they can't smell. Also, how fucked up is it that I would to be called standard smelling would be the highest compliment I think I could ever get. Because you were born so weird. You're just you're just chasing. Yeah. Basically, you can't. Yes. It won't happen.

Wait, back to something you said about the shaman having Holy Week and having to be quiet for a week. Wait, back to something you said about the shaman having a holy week and having to be quiet for a week. I learned something about myself that it's just a lesson. I had a friend who I would always talk to all the time and all this person would do was complain. And I realized, well, they're just using me to complain. This is so fucked up. But then, low key, I'm like, what am I getting out of this? Why am I doing this? And I learned, oh, this is how I'm escaping from my problems is taking on this other person's problems.

And it took. It seems easier to do that. And I'm like, I've wasted so much of my life doing that. And it really pisses me off. So I just kind of wanted to share. I don't know. Yeah, no, we get these like little armies of people that we're like for or they're with, you know. doing that and it really pisses me off so i just kind of wanted to share i don't know yeah no we get these like little armies of people that were like four or they're with you know they're with

us we're with them and then you're just like wait i'm not it's like i don't think i said it uh on camera but when i was doing ayahuasca and i turned my phone on too early i wasn't supposed to have my phone on and kalilah right at that moment was like did you see kate quigley overdose i was like it was literally like the worst moment. These three people in our field overdosed. Three died. One survived. And I'm like, I was still like tripping.

And I had to consciously go like, Kate, I am like sending you all the love and light in the world. But you cannot be my journey. Because I so easily, I already had to push off a guy sitting next to me in my ayahuasca journey was like when we were just sharing our intentions and stuff he was like before we did it he went you know the mother of my children just passed away and so i've just been dealing with that and i literally had never met this man before and in my ayahuasca journey i had to be like dead wife you've got to go. It's not about you. I was like feeling his pain for him. If there was ever, ever a symptom of codependency, it's that.

It's that we're taking on other things that we should just not be taking on. And ayahuasca will show it to you right away. And I had one journey where I really went. Because when I do these weekends, there's two nights that you do ayahuasca. And so one of the nights I did, my whole journey was i was feeling so much guilt because i've been talking shit on people and so then i had to feel the things they're their side of all of our arguments and that was good for me to feel that right like to feel the other side like oh yes people are victims of me as much as i'm assuming i'm victims of them. Do I come up in your journeys then?

I've never thought of you. When I'm not with you, Carlos, I don't even remember you exist. That's not the best insult. I said that to Rami Youssef once. He was like, do you think of me? And I went, I really honestly do not think of you unless you're in front of my face.

This is a good time for me to tell everybody that today is Carlos's birthday. Well, now I acknowledge, happy birthday. But I actually, I don't even's birthday. Well, now I acknowledge happy birthday. But I actually, I don't even believe that. Like, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't. You don't believe it's your birthday? That's so good.

You're learning, Carlos. No, I believe that I'm higher up than Rami Youssef in your brain in reality. You are. You guys, I can't believe I'm going to say this. It was a bit I was working on, but I never quite figured it out. But I really wanted to do a bit about how like you know everyone says women aren't funny but I think we need to focus on the men

in the world who are not funny to just like rebrand comedy is that why you hang out with Carlos that is so mean that was your birthday present that means we're doing banana break right now okay banana break right now okay banana break you know carlos i have a observation about i'm gonna call it an observation it was really an initial complaint but

um these bananas are very green but soft on the edges so i know someone has slammed them down to the ground. I don't know who. Is that a part of your birthday celebration? Slamming bananas? I would never prank the bananas for you, girl. Who slammed my bananas? Carlos, what are you doing to these bananas?

It's the Erewhon employee. He was in a bad mood probably when Erewhon dropped them. It's actually Erewhon which you would know if you went there. It's weird that you have such a quick excuse like that you know. You just wanted to let us know we went to Erewhon for such a quick excuse. You just wanted to let us know

we went to Air One for our bananas. He just wanted to let us know we went to Air One for the bananas and I do appreciate that. On a serious note, we really appreciate that the bananas are good. It's extremely easy bait. I'm so happy that we get to give you a job on your birthday. The one thing you've been looking for

for so long. No, actually, I don't need a job. This is definitely charity to you i know he's so rich but um i wanted to ask you since you're our um broadway connoisseur yes i just saw that pam anderson plays rocky heart in chicago on broadway i know i'm going this weekend and i'm like i should probably i think i might get tickets i I've been researching the reviews. She can't even breathe. She's talking to the bus. Like, I can't even believe it's happening.

I love that role. I love her. People are saying she's giving a good performance, which I, the way they're saying it, I feel like is sort of to say like, she's giving it. Yeah. So I'm going to try to get a ticket though for Saturday because this is such a big deal. Like, I literally can't believe it. Yeah. So I'm going to try to get a ticket, though, for Saturday because this is such a big deal. I literally can't believe it's happening. It's just so funny that if she called me a Broadway connoisseur, I would be insulted.

And I'm drooling on myself. You're going to, wait, where is she doing this? Here or there? You're going to New York this week? In New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there any star that if they were on Broadway, you guys would go, like, pay whatever it costs?

Myself. Good answer. Honestly, my answer is you as well. We've got a good attraction to play. Yeah, aren't we doing a play? Yeah. By the way, how much better does our name fit now? Why?

Because we talk shit now. It's fun. Oh. I know whenever Trisha Paytas mentions our podcast she always calls it trash talk and it's perfect i like that people kind of like fuck it up yeah it's funny trash tuesdays it's trash tuesday people call it a lot because of the instagram okay and i did notice this are those fucking sk socks they're skin socks and kanye shoes i feel guilty don't to put them together iconic combo the kids are that's good for the kids this is for north that's called it yeah who can come at the same time isn't it oh you know what when a guy comes it makes me want to come it It kind of turns me on.

There's something about the kind of like, because in that moment, I know nothing is going on in their brain. There's not a thought behind those eyes. And for some reason, it's just all physical and it turns me on. In fact, when I'm masturbating, watching a guy come makes me come. You should watch a guy listen to me talk for the third hour. Todd has nothing behind his eyes. I'm like, Todd has like the perfect amount of, I don't care when he's listening. Like there's certain times where I'm like, I know you're not listening.

He just kind of smiles. Todd on the third hour. He's just like, we've been hearing this story quite a bit. He'll hear me do the rounds. He'll call everyone and tell them the same story. I don't even think there are words for me to describe to you how much I literally, I mean, I'm in love with Todd. When I see him, I feel something so good. He's so good.

Because when we're FaceTiming, he's always in the background and he's listening, but like passively, right? But then he chimes in once in a while and he says one just really profound thing where i'm like oh my god todd you're right yes like if we're dealing with a problem and he has this solution all of a sudden he comes in with it and you're like fuck todd you're right yep that's that has to be so frustrating that he in within one sentence he always has a solution but has to sit through three hours of you. But here's the fucked up thing. He likes me.

Yeah. He likes it. What a feeling. There's no, like, I feel no, like, talky shame, which I've definitely felt with you guys. And trust me, if you're dating me and you're annoyed with me talking, my gut cannot do anything but talk more faster, louder. I think that is the sweetest thing.

Like of all the things that I know to be true about Bobby and I is that we genuinely like each other. Yes. Like you can throw us in any different lifetime, dimension, fucking multiverse. We will always sit across from each other and say, I really, really like you i like everything about you and i think that's that's um you know we've had a very um complicated last couple years but when when i'm on the phone with him when we're facetiming and it's just him

and i talking i fucking like him so much you know? You can't get to 10 years without that. You really can't. It's like, I noticed that too. Like Dave and I, we have our shit and he annoys me and I certainly annoy him. But I'm always like, whenever we sit and talk, like I like you. I really like talking to you. I know. It's fun to have the partner that you go to because I always like-

I don't know if it's mutual, but- That's so funny. He's on a podcast saying the exact opposite right um yeah no it's really it's really cool he says the right things he also he just knows me really well he's also a very good judge of character and I don't fully accept that yet but it's it always in retrospect he goes I fucking told you like he knows like there'll be people he's like that's not someone you should be talking to. I'm like, come on. But they're at the coffee shop all the time.

He also does this thing where when I'm in any sort of mood that's not the ideal mood, he has the right song for me. Oh, yes. So he has like songs that he plays. He's your personal DJ. He's the best. He's the personal soundtrack guy. You know what I found out about myself two weeks ago after i read

an article was i'm a cry baby girl do you know what a cry baby girl is no um we're easy criers it's exactly what it is like there's just a subset of us that cry to everything and that's me that is definitely good bad in between i cry yeah to the mean, I cry a lot, but it's like I want to be crying a lot more. And then. Like, this is me. But when I was a kid. Did everyone catch that? I don't know.

Did anyone have this as a kid? I was so scared of being, like, vulnerable and emotional in front of my family. Yes. That I would, would like if something like if someone we're watching Anne of Green Gables sorry spoiler alert Matthew the the grandfather or the uncle that's watching her whatever I don't know if it's her grandfather he dies in one of the episodes and I just remember going it's just an actor and I'm like four years old it's like weird to know this but just trying to like disassociate from any of the feelings and then my mom would be crying and i'd be like really you're crying it's just an actor mom

like judging the but at four is like a weird age to have that why would you cry to land before time i would cry to them but i'd be like choking i didn't want people to see my like emotions i don't want people to see me like land before time is a triggering subject for me because when i was little all my friends and then monday after that that movie came out the same time drastic park came out and all my friends at school saw that and i my parents because i was watched not raised i was just a tag along they took me to see drastic park and I was so fucking scared. No, you were a skin tag. Esther Teratoma. I was so traumatized and scared

and so jealous that all the kids got to see the fun movie anyways. And then you never watched a movie again. But why would someone at four be thinking that way? That's what I'm curious. Probably happened in a closet with Uncle Jack. Wasn't my uncle.

Don't call people that aren't their uncle, uncle. They're going to molest them. I had a revelation in the last two weeks that I was really afraid to say out loud before. And I think that my resistance to having children for so long is because I've had this feeling, this overwhelming feeling and thought that I've always wanted to kill my bloodline. That I looked at my uncles and my family members and saw just really shitty people growing up that I thought I had carried this feeling

of not wanting to perpetuate or spread seeds or I wanted to be the last person in in line granted they're all having kids the bloodline's been perpetuated yeah but if if we if now we gotta go kill them yeah and that's how our horror movie starts but yeah that's and it was a really sad thing for me like say out loud to myself and then say out loud to somebody else yeah it was just like what has been holding me back because i Yeah. opposite side of that i'm just like i cannot i cannot like it's gonna come out bad my my genetics are bad there's mental illness like just they're shitty people we have shitty people in my family and this this competing thoughts in my head that just cannot come up like every day it's been such a fucking like mind fuck for me because i have those two competing things every day do you think

it's like comes down to like a self-worth thing maybe because it's like if you really are like loving yourself you know that whatever child you have is going to be so loved and so taken care of like you would never you're never gonna repeat those patterns it's striking me as like so much overthinking it is look at me as someone who literally was pregnant for three months thought they were gonna have a kid i never none of no thoughts like that ever crossed my mind I'm I'm like I just was like I'll figure it out like it'll be fine I didn't I used to say I didn't want to have kids I used to be like I don't want to have kids and it was because I was so still so angry and still so like stuff was so not well inside me still. Like I was like, I was really afraid

that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And the more I've worked on myself, the more I'm like, I like, I can't wait to like teach my kids things that I learned. I can't wait. I've learned so much from my parents, like and in the forgiving of them and like how our relationship has developed since then.

And it's like, there's no way I'm making those same mistakes. Like I'm sure there's going to be things that I can't even, blind spots that I have no clue that are going to come out. But, and I think like the right partner is really like, Todd's not going to let me do anything to those kids. Todd's not going to let me fucking make those kids unhappy. Maybe that is what I'm counting on. Yeah, Dave's going to handle it.

Todd's not going to let my kids. Todd just moves in with you. I'm like, Todd, can you come over to my house soon I'll let you guys in on a secret um that which is why you know I guess a caution to everybody that sometimes what you hear in a podcast it's more oftentimes in jest especially like for a show like Tiger Bell belly where you know the narrative has always been that bobby wants a child and that i'm the one who has not wanted a child and while those two competing thoughts of wanting to kill my bloodline and feeling maternal compete every day

it was about three years ago when i finally told bobby that i was ready to have children and it was exactly three years ago that his porn addiction became really, really bad. But then what used to hurt me a lot was getting messages saying, you're not giving Bobby a child when I had already agreed to it and I was excited about it.

And then the sex just stopped. And immediately I felt like, oh my God, like, let me just go jump off a cliff then. Feeling trapped. Must have been trapped. Finally feeling like this was such a big decision for me to make because I'm like, I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid.

But, oh, okay, let's do it. You know? And then to be basically rejected. And then I felt like just rejected. Like there were moments where I was just like, can we please like have sex? Like, can we like, do we have nothing to do right now and it would just not get there and i would feel like i just yeah i'm gonna go kill myself like what am i and it's like also when you're sexualized young so much of your worth is in your sexuality too and like so but that constant narrative of the

pressure of like people saying like you're a selfish bitch for not wanting to have kids. And like, guys, the truth is like, like, you don't know what's going on in our relationship. And truly, like, I, I have said yes to have it to finally like, yes. Oh, having a child. So worse than you think you're like giving your and then the other is really like, actually, no, I was kidding. I thought you would never agree to this. I did DMT with one of my ex-boyfriends once, and I was like, had just catapulted through this like kaleidoscope of like,

first of all, you smoke it out of a crack pipe, so you're really leaning in. It's like, literally, it's like one of those glass things with like the ball at the end, and you cook it. So it's a weird thing, but it's a beautiful drug. How long does it last? Like five to ten minutes. Oh, that's it. Yeah, it's really beautiful drug how long does it last um like five to ten minutes oh that's it yeah it's really short but sometimes people think they're there forever i mean you guys would love it but you really would love it but it's crack no no no it's dmt okay

i'm like you do crack you're like how do i do it that's next and my hand is out um but anyway so yeah so i like when i came out i realized like the message i kept getting was like i'm supposed to be a mother and i had been really really denying that part of myself and really afraid to even like entertain it and so i came out and i just was still kind of fucked up and i was like yeah you know like i think i'm supposed to be a mother and he started fucking screaming at me and was like i knew you want to fucking kids you were lying to me all this stuff and i was like first of all we didn't even talk about it who was this oh who do you think would just scream at me wake me up in the middle of screaming but it was like so crazy and then i was like

that i didn't stay with you psycho because i couldn't have kids with him he would have they would have died they wouldn't have made it no they would not have made it i really what i really hope for you kalilah is maybe you didn't feel it then but at least now i hope that you know not to take that personally what happened because it's so obvious that that was bobby's issues yeah it it wasn't him speaking to me his addiction was yes okay and you know that yeah but even if it was him speaking it's all his stuff on you it's not a rejection of you it's like so obvious that it was something that he was like yeah yeah and the minute it got real it's like he's afraid the way that you're afraid of what you're going to bring into the world he must be dealing with something very

similar you know right and i think the problem in our relationship then was that we're very ambivalent right like we're just two people that just get along so it's like all the hard stuff we're kind of just like all right we'll still continue to be together we're not really facing it head-on so what we're doing now is really learning to be uncomfortable with these like really tough conversations before we would just be like all right cool wanna watch american idol you know what i mean well that's literally like the definition of human nature. It's like if you can find comfort, you just go to it and you stick with it. No one naturally wants to like have a hard conversation

or like take a big scary step. It is something that you have to really be conscious of and put effort into. There's definitely a psycho out there that likes it. There's definitely someone that's like ready for the confrontation. Us right now? No, but um dr drew said this to me i keep thinking of things dr drew said to me this magical man um but he was like he said to me that he thinks i have a problem with grieving and maybe you have some of that too like facing things or whatever like because what you just said what you have what you just shared with us to us

did not like land sad it didn't like i can feel for you i can understand what you're going through and i can like understand you better now but i didn't take that as like you told me a bad thing or anything right that it was dark or anything it's like really real and it's like helpful to people to hear people just thank you and you know if there's anything we learned today is that your pussy can perish and mine perished mine left my body also be suctioned back to life it can be resuscitated as well and we're gonna find out what she manifest with that vagina and then i can tell you the rest of the egg stuff tomorrow you guys thank you for listening this episode i hope was as therapeutic for you as it was for me and for these old sperms. Please subscribe to this channel and thank you to everyone who came to the live stream. It was so much fun and we really want to see you guys at the next one. If you missed it,

we're going to have a lot more interaction. We're already planning the next one. We're very excited. And what else? Comment and let us know what you thought. Comment. I'm not reading them anymore. I'm making bets with Todd now where it's like I have to do things. I have to buy him a lobster and I can't eat any of it. We haven't quite gotten the punishment. That's fun. I love that shit.

We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Thanks, guys.