Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Did He Ghost or Is His Phone Lost? w/ Steph Tolev - Ep 138

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

The hilarious comedian Steph Tolev joins Annie and Khalyla on this week’s episode. They discuss Unsolicited Pics, Khalya’s BDSM Test Results, ghosting + More plus Steph asks the entire advice on a wild text exchange. Enjoy! Thank you to our Sponsors:  Mood - Choose the mood that's right for you. Order your THC products from MOOD today. And for 20% off your first order and FREE gummies, go to hellomood.com and use promo code: TRASHTUESDAY Quip - If you go to getquip.com/trashtuesday RIGHT NOW, you'll get 20% off any Electric Toothbrush, Mint & Gum Dispenser, Water Flosser. Quip, the good habits company.  FINALLY! Trash Tuesday Merch!! Get it at https://itstrashtuesday.com/   See Esther on tour. Check out dates at estheronice.com See Annie on tour. Check out dates at https://www.annielederman.com/shows   More Steph Tolev: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephtolev/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/StephTolev Steph Infection Podcast: https://www.instagram.com/steph_infection_podcast/   00:00 - Girls Talk Ringworm 03:44 - Steph Tolev Is Here! 07:02 - Steph’s Recent Unsolicited D Pic 09:50 - What Infections Have We Had? 15:40 - Would The Girls Do Porn 16:08 - Steph’s Dads Posted Poop on his Socials 22:51 - Khalyla’s BDSM Test Results  29:28 - Steph, Annie, and Khalyla are Hetero-Flexible 30:38 - Steph Tolev’s Meet Cute 41:58 - Steph’s Ghosting Saga 45:09 - Gen Z Zuri Weighs In 53:00 - PSA to Short Kings 57:27 - Gender Roles & Who Should Pay the Bill   Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday     Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079 AnnieWood - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/anniewood/id1653515392   Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee http://instagram.com/bobbyleelive Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen  🍬  https://www.candyedits.com Visuals and Graphics by: Andre Strauss https://andre-strauss.info   Produced by: Real Good Touring & Ten42 Podcast Producer(s): Stella Young & Julien Bensimhon   This Video Contains Paid Advertising.

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offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. I want to do jujitsu again, but i don't want to take my earrings can i tell you what happened when i did jujitsu did i tell you i got like ringworm and like the half of my space my space did i tell you i got ringworm the half of my face right before new year's eve and i spent i don't know what year it was it was like the turn of like 2010 to 2011 but fucking like harvey dent just half what does it look like what does ring ring look like it's like a full circle worse than what it looks like it's how it feels it's so fucking

itchy but it was so horrible that the mats were so dirty that i got my whole face was disgusting when i was little i used to get um i got like a ring, a red ring in my armpits, and they said it was a yeast infection under my arms when I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten, that seems a bit young to get a yeast infection. In my armpits. Yeah. It wasn't even in my dad's. Who did that to you?

Yeah, what the hell? Someone's smearing their dirty panties on your pits when you're sleeping? Maybe. Oh, God. It sounds like you were like in a Filipino household because when Filipinos, they get, well, not anymore, not Filipino Americans, but when girls would get their periods, they would like throw flowers on you and then they would like make you jump a couple steps. It's this whole ritual. But if you're a boy with acne. To get

it out, you're just like plopping clumps. But if you're a boy with acne, some Filipina aunties will try to force their period panties on your face. Really? Yeah, to try, because they say the period blood will help with whatever... The original vampire facial. Yeah, exactly. At least it's a pad, not a tampon, because that would

be weird to just roll in the tampon. But the tampon's more efficient. A pad's kind of nice, so it's like a dab. It's like a powder dab. I like the idea of kind of just slapping it across the face. Hi, you guys. I missed you this week. Am I a pilgrim? Am I a witch burning at the stake? Who can say?

But next week, I am on tour. I'm going to be in Detroit. Oh, my God. October 19th and then October 20th and 21st, I'll be in Chicago. Tickets are going fast for that one. Hometown shows. I'm really excited. And then I will be in Boston November 4th, DC November 5th, and San Jose November 2nd.

And then Irvine later in the month. I can't wait to see you guys. You can get tickets at esteronice.com. Hi, sluggies. I hope you're enjoying your lives and get ready for Steph to Love. This episode is going to be crazy. I love her so much. You can come see me live doing stand-up comedy, my favorite thing to do in the entire world. You can see me October 13th through 15th at the La Jolla Comedy Store this weekend. It's going to be the best.

I was going to be recording my special that got pushed for production reasons, but it's still going to have the vibes of a very special weekend. So come see me there. I also will be in San Jose, California at the Improv, November 17th and 18th in Houston, Texas, December 15th and 16th. Go to Annie Letterman dot com slash shows to check it out. And you can always see me on Annie Wood every Thursday. Love you guys. Choose the mood that's right for you. Order

your THC gummies from Mood today. And for 20% off your first order and free gummies, go to hellomood.com and use promo code trash Tuesday. That's hellomood.com promo code trash Tuesday for 20% off your order and free gummies. Thank you to our sponsor Quip. If you go to getquip.com promo code Trash Tuesday for 20% off your order and free gummies. Thank you to our sponsor, Quip. If you go to GetQuip.com slash Trash Tuesday right now, you get 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser. That's 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser at GetQuip.com slash Trash Tuesday.

Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash Trash Tuesday G E T Q U I P.com slash trash Tuesday quip the good habits company. Wait, Annie, do you want to introduce Steph? Oh, this is exciting. Okay. This young man, Steph and I are, are competing for the deepest voices in female comedy. This is Steph Toloff. She has a podcast, Steph Infection, which is… That is such a great name. It's a good name. I'm pretty pumped up. And she asks you about infection.

Like, it does get… It goes there. It goes where you think it might. Yes, it does. She's a paid regular at the comedy store. She's been on Netflix. She's going to be in Esther's movie. Hey, one of the million.

One of the million is going to be in Esther's movie. Does that bother you that you weren't in the movie? I'm not sensing anything here. It's not that I'm bothered. It's just a wild, when you find out how many people, and then, so we saw Esther earlier and Esther goes, no, no, no, Steph had to be in the movie. It's like, no, no, no, I'm not upset that Steph's in the movie. It's just, it's crazy that it's a who's who's of everyone I've ever met. It's a who's who's. But I was telling you, I'm like, the role I did was not you. It was a crazy bartender? It was, but like, I'm gross.

You don't look gross. You're very attractive. Like, I can play a scumbag. Oh my God, we started fucking each other. Right now, I just started eating your pussy. I'm like, yeah, you know what I mean? I mean, like, you on camera camera you look like a very feminine i can play a disgusting pig and be like yeah that that woman's been doing this for 45 years you sound like pig yeah you're like yeah they're like a pig sucking on a trough and i'm like uh me check please what kind of

infections have you had oh a lot we should name all of the infections we've ever had this is a i know we did kind of start with the armpit yeah yeah yeah yeah so you had a Oh, a lot. We should name all of the infections we've ever had. This is a fun one. I know. We did kind of start with the armpit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you had a yeast infection in your armpit. That was my first infection. Not road rash. I had ringworm. Ringworm. My first big infection, when I lost my virginity, my hymen was so fucking thick. Brag. Boys, try to get in there. No, my hymen was so thick, it bled. I had to go to the emergency. Like, I was bleeding, like, clots. How old were you?

19. I waited until someone loved me. 19, like, clots, like, the size of both hands were falling out of me. Are you sure that was your hymen? It was. I went in.

You don't have, like, fibroids? Well, I might have fibroids. Who knows about that? But they went in, and the doctor was, they thought something was stuck inside me. The guy's dick was big, though.

It was a big dick. Wait, you lost your virginity to a big dick? Yeah, yeah. But it was like the shape of a football. It was like in, then out, then in. Oh yeah, it was scary. It wasn't good. It wasn't a good penis to lose the virginity to.

Yeah, you got to graduate to that. That can't be your first. You didn't choose wisely, I don't think. Well, I was supposed to choose. I didn't see the dick. I was 19. I was waiting. I was in college.

I'm not going to. Now I've seen enough that I can choose. No, I have turned down a penis. We were fully making out, watching. I think the movie was Mud. Yeah, the one with Matthew McConaughey. And we were making out. I fully intended on having sex.

I saw his penis. And then I was like, with all due respect, like, I don't know what to do with that. And then I was like, bye. Like too big or don't know what to do with that and then I was like bye like too big or too small uh no it was just hooked downwards okay I like a sidey um a sidey sidey's fine any other direction I would have been fine with I just I was like wow I've never seen that he was a decathlete I was like that shit will tear me up so I'm like bye I like the way you're so kind about it excuse me I bowed yeah I'm sorry pardon me I. So I'm like, bye. I like the way you're so kind about it. Excuse me. I bowed. Yeah, I'm sorry. Pardon me.

I must say, I don't know what to do with that. That's such a, I've had a lot of dick pics recently and like, they're horrendous. Like one, this guy has gout for sure.

And it's like, it looks, it's the grossest penis. Gout in his penis? Something's going on. Can I see it? Yeah. My most infamous dick pic was,

this guy had placed his penis. He was sitting Indian style. And his feet were like heel to heel, were together like this. And he placed his penis on top of like the insides of his feet. And it was just like, I'm not even getting to the dick. Like there's so much going on before the dick. Wait, he did this in front of you? No, no, he sent me the picture. Well, this is, okay, this is what I'm talking about here. So this man has gout. His hands

have gout for sure. It's horrendous. I can see uric acid from a photo. Oh, it's something, and he's fucking, it's the whole thing. He's fucking a pile of rocks. There's a lot going on in it. That was an unsolicited dick pic I got and it's like really... Okay, so let me break this down for you. Wow, okay.

The face attached to that dick. I would never want to know. For starters, he's uncut, but he... There's something going on with his foreskin.

It's not well kept. It wasn't well cut, too. It looked like he was like gardening shears. Well, he's not cut at all. You know the scissors we use when we try to get the crinkle

in school? Yeah, yeah. It's like the crinkle scissors. scissors we use when we try to get the crinkle? The crinkle scissors? Yeah, yeah. It's like the crinkle scissors. He got circumcised out of Michael's crowd. In the back corner. Number one, his hands are edematous for sure. I don't think it's gout as much as I think it's really poor circulation or Raynaud's. Dr. Kalilah.

He's definitely a tanger too. Like the pubes are blonde, but I feel like I'm seeing, like, too much pink. Yeah, but why is it up against some rocks? It's the problem. I'll say he peed on the rocks, too. There's so much. But what is going on?

I don't know what's going on. I don't know this man. This man DMed me on Instagram. He didn't say anything. No, that's an Instagram that just got sent to me. It looks like he jizzed on some hot rocks and he wants to show you. Yeah, and then he peed on them afterwards because the jizz was probably too hot. Yeah, don't.

The tip is so horrendous. It looks like it's literally like inside out. That's why I feel like if you open up a penis tip and just like peel it inside out, it's scary. I want to put things in it. Yeah, you can put a lot of things in there. You can put a whole fucking couch inside that thing. It's disgusting. Anyways, that's disgusting.

I'm sorry. I haven't gotten one dick pic randomly. I haven't gotten them in so long. I did a thing once where a guy, I had publicly said I didn't want dick pics, and then a guy sent me a dick pic, so I screen grabbed it, and I posted it onto his Facebook wall. That's so funny. I said, you sent this to me.

I said, I didn't want those. And then he started freaking out. He's like, I'm a teacher. I'm like, you did the thing. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. You started it. Anything that happens after the thing I said I don't consent to is now on you. Wow. You and teachers, man, they really come for you in ways. You got a thing hot for teacher over here. Teacher's hot for me. I can't help it.

Wait a second. So what other infections have you had, Steph? I had ovarian cysts when I was in grade eight. Canadian, sorry. Thank you for apologizing. I have chronic hives that they think are from the vaccine. So every single day I break out in hives. Sometimes so bad I have to go to emergency because my throat closes. What happened with the sun? Oh, I'm allergic to the sun.

Yeah, that's a new thing. I literally, I blister in the sun. Like the song. You can see I have you can see I have scars all over my legs right now from um what was it a wedding

it was a wedding it was a wedding I was the maid of honor and I broke out in like third degree burns like when I came back from the hospital I came back from the trip

I had to go to the hospital like I was literally everyone's party on the beach and I'm lying in my bed in the hotel just like bawling my eyes I had blisters like full

it was bad it was psychotic they fully scarred my legs it's called polymorphic sun eruption where my like it's fucking crazy but how did that happen ball in my eyes. I had blisters. It was bad. It was psychotic. They fully scarred my legs. It's called polymorphic sun eruption. How did that happen? Just being in the sun. Wait, I saw it. But it never happened before.

I would get little patches on my skin. But this was like, I guess, because the Mexican sun was a bit hotter and I was like in and out of the sea a bunch. Oh, yeah. Whoa, I'm getting canceled. I'm getting canceled. Mexican sun. Okay, Trump.

A bit too hot. From our own Reddit. Step to one of these Mexicans. I'm like, the Mexican sun's hotter our own Reddit step to all these Mexicans I'm like the Mexican son's honor yeah no it was it was insane so that's and I had this thing called

I call it toed hands but my it's actually happening right now you can see I have like blisters all over my fingers again that's from the sun if I'm out too long it's a whole thing

so I saw this made for TV what does the Lord want for you the Lord wants me to live in a well just crawl down a deep dark well and stay down there forever. But it's so weird because you're not even that fair. No, I'm not. And I used to be like fully tanned as a youth. I saw a made-for-TV movie when I was nine years old.

It scarred me. And it was about a family who had to wrap their kids up like every day because they were allergic to the sun. I don't know what this movie was called, but I was still a kid in the Philippines growing up. And I was like, oh, shit. Like this is fucked up. They would be mummified

every day. Basically, so I don't know if that's in your future or not. But your sister doesn't have it? No one else does. No one in my family has any of these fucking problems.

It's like psychotic. I don't know what is going on. What happened to you in your little? I don't know. Something weird. Something weird happened. Honestly,

I'm really upset. I was a really cute kid and I was actually upset that I was never molested. Well, we'll see. There's enough hallucinogens on this earth to uncover. Yep, that's true. Is there?

There's something you're oppressing if your body is attacking you like this. What's in there? I don't know. I need to know. We got to dig it up. We got to unearth my shaman. You bring your shaman. I fight with something horrendous that happened to me?

Oh, God. What if I do a lineup of shamans and you get to pick which shaman? I have a lot of shamans. Okay. You have a lot of shamans. This, you have a lot of shamans. This is scaring me now. I never thought about this. It's why I have all these issues.

I just thought I was sick mentally and physically. But you've never had actual staff? No staff. Okay. No, shockingly, not yet. Knock on wood, not yet. Fingers crossed. No, I'm guessing at some point.

Are you friends with nurses a lot because you need to be? Yes, I have a couple of nurse friends. Oh, I got a couple, yeah. I got a crazy AIDS phobia that I need to deal with. Wait. The movie Kids ruined my life. Okay, so I think a lot of us… Kids really shouldn't have been called kids

because I was a kid when it came out. I was like, oh, it's for me. Yeah, and you're like, no. Wait, how old are you, Steph? 38. Okay, so girls our age, that AIDS phobia thing is real. They made it so easy to get aids in that movie everything like everything was like the first time i ever i did this blood pact with a boy when i was like 14 where we

pricked our finger and then we did this and for the next six years of my life i kept thinking like i hope like i know i have it and you didn't want to get tested because you're like i have it i'm so sure i have it i don't want to get tested I get tested every three months I'm like really crazy they know you oh yeah age F at Western and Hollywood shout out to my peeps up there

we have a blast I love that place oh my god have you ever said that there's one there's one woman and I'm like if I get it and she gets

gives me the results I'll be happy because she's like okay let's do the test one two three I'm like woo I'm like why am I excited for this right now

like she gets me all gizmed up every time I'm in there like she's such if anyone has to tell me it's positive it better be her I'm going to give you I'm like, why am I excited for this right now? Like, she gets me all jizzed up every time I'm in there. Like, she's such, if anyone has to tell me it's positive, it better be her. at the end of this. Yeah, no, literally.

She's so fun. I feel like she has, like, maracas behind her. She's ready to fucking go off. Well, every place should be like that all the time. No, she's the best, yeah. Like, are you a,

do you like the dentist? I don't hate it. The dentist always got me because it was, like, fun. They did a good job. Oh, I go to one, Amir K sent me to one and this guy is too much.

He sent you? He sent me, he's like, go to this guy and the guy's like, I think everyone thinks I'm funny. I'm like, I don't want a Amir K sent me to one and this guy is too much. He sent you? He sent me. He said, go to this guy and the guy's like, everyone thinks I'm funny. I'm like, I don't want a funny dentist. No. I'm not doing an open mic

in my mouth right now. Let's get to the fucking thing. And he's always doing riffs with me and I'm like. And then they're always like, you don't have a sense of humor. Like comedians never. It's like, no, no, no.

You're just not being funny. You're not funny at all. And then he's like, we should do content. I'm like, I'm not doing TikTok videos with my fucking dentist. Let me tell you. Okay.

I met a chiropractor and I will, I'll let, I'll, I did meet him at a comedy show. So I knew he was, he did comedy, but he, I met him at Flappers and he like had this technique for cluster headaches, which is a specific thing I have. So whenever I'm dying of cluster headaches, I go to him and he had to come to my house once because I just was too sick. So he came to my house and he had like my skull in his hands and he literally made me watch his set. I was holding a set up. I was like, are you insane? While he had my life. You were held hostage. It was so crazy. That should be a federal offense.

Ha ha ha. It's good. Funny, funny. No notes. No notes. Perfect. I think we should all take a twice a year field trip to cutting edge testing is where all the porn girls get tested. And you can sign your name on the wall. I met a new porn star. There was a porn star in the front row at the comedy store and she DMed me. I'm so excited. What did she say? I love the porn stars at the shows.

They're so pretty and nice. I think there's like a kindred thing going on with comics and porn girls, right? Because I think we're all, we're in a very interesting business and we're all very open. We all could probably have ended up doing the other thing depending on. Some guy tagged me on Twitter yesterday.

I thought it was like, I'm so cocky. I thought it was like, Burt Kreischer being like, who should be on the next tour? And so I was like, Steph Tullo for sure. And I was like,

and I opened it and it's like this guy at Johnny Sins wants to do a live porn and this guy tagged me and I'm like, ah, Steph Tullo for sure. And I was like, and I opened it and it's like this guy at Johnny Sins wants to do a live porn and this guy tagged me and I'm like, what are you talking about? You're tagging me

to do a live porn? Like, what the fuck? And I was like, would you? Live? Not live. What's your price, Steph? If today someone was like

six million for one 30 minute video It would be like liberating kind of. I think I would do it but not have my face in it. I'd be like, I'd resist it

even though I've resisted because like, we'll see what their sun I'd be like, I resisted. Even though my dad. I resisted. He's like, we'll see what your son blisters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is fucking hot, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I'm shit. The fly's on me.

No, I know. I'm caca. No, it's been on us the whole time. I'm a turd. I'm a full fucking turd in a romper right now. No, bitch. Speaking of turd, should we show this? This is a good segue.

Okay, I'm sorry. My parents are in my parents are in south africa right now okay my dad just got it my dad just got on instagram this is the second reel ever he's made okay how old's your dad my dad's 65 he's literally obsessed with these reels he puts music he puts music on them he just posted this reel so we're not gonna be able to hear the music okay so it's food it's food fighters okay but this is the reel he just we're not going to be able to hear the music. Okay, so it's Foo Fighters. Okay. But this is the reel he just posted. Let's get to the,

the second photo. Did you not see, did you not see that? The second photo is a rhinoceros taking the biggest fucking shit in its life. And I literally text

the family group thread. I'm like, dad, are you fucking crazy? It's like, can you just pause it on the shit? I caught it. No, I think he honestly

was just like i'm in nature look at that fucking shit also look how big a rhino shit is he's shitting on its own kid that's the biggest fucking turd i've ever seen in my entire life and so i post on it me and my sister both like what the fuck are we doing on here no one else 12 likes but you wrote dad i'm like dad are you fucking crazy my sister puts like the shit emoji. I'm like, that's so fucking funny. He has no idea. And okay,

here's the thing too. My dad's been liking, he likes all my stuff. He's very supportive. But sometimes I'll post like, you know, he posts a couple photos like the third one's

like a thirst trap. And then my sister's like, dad, you have to stop liking. Because I don't think he knows how to scroll. But I'm like, it's like me being like,

fucking follow my lips or something stupid. And my dad's like, it's my girl. I'm like, can you not like this? For fuck's sakes. I guess it's fine. But that turd is...

I had no idea. If he likes your live porn, that'll be an issue. That's an issue. My mom over... What size would have been appropriate for you coming out of a rhino's butt? I don't know. It kind of looks like a football. Does that remind you of the penis? It reminds me... Is your hymen bleeding?

That's my hymen. That was my hymen. That's exactly what happened. I just didn't think they were that big. I don't know. Have you ever seen a deer shit? No. That threw me off.

It's all little tiny pebbles that come out one at a time. Yeah, pellets. The pellets. I had no idea. I'm like, that was crazy. I don't know why I thought it would be more wet. Yeah, deer is nice. It's like a cute little.

But when they shit, their butt opens and all those come out at the same time. Yeah. I thought it was one at a time. Aggregate fruit. Very bizarre. Over my. Why am I looking at so much animal shit? Over, your dad did this to you.

Fuck, I'm sick. Over the pandemic, my mom like started making videos for the family and she accidentally made like the scariest video. Like it was supposed to be for the nieces, for the nieces and nephews. And it, they were, people left there screaming and crying. It's like the scariest video. It was supposed to be for the nieces, for the nieces and nephews. And people left there screaming and crying. It's like the scariest thing. It was like she took my dad, they found this tree house in these woods. My parents go on walks all the time. They found this tree house in the woods. And my mom dressed up like a little girl. She doesn't know that's so scary to have a seven-year-old woman dressed up like a little girl. She had pigtails and red

cheeks. And then my dad dressed up like a ghost and it's just like a little girl playing with her doll but like a 72 year old woman like he and she got like this really spooky um did your dad film this they had it like set up and my dad was the ghost that came behind and kidnapped her it's the fucking scariest shit and then at the end they go it's us just kidding love you and it's like that's also scary and it was literally they actually made the scariest thing in the entire world and then what's that m night shamalan movie where they go to the wrong grandparents oh i don't know that has was it the water the no um the visit or something like that that has that same kind of

i don't remember what happened they blend. There's a lady in the water. These are Philly. I get excited. You see some Philly stuff. It's like, okay. I saw the one where they were in the cabin, the recent one, the M. Night Shyamalan one.

I haven't seen that one. I don't see anything. Did your mom edit the video? She edits it. It's crazy. My mom just like- When you see that stuff, are you like, oh, it makes sense that I am their child?

I love everything my parents do, basically. I love, we went home recently, or I went home recently and my dad, did I tell you, I might have said this on your podcast, but we like love to binge eat together. And so my dad picks me up from the airport and we go like, I'm like, oh, I've been fasting. My dad's like, oh yeah, your mom and I have been, like, really good on this diet. It's a 45-minute drive home. We get to 40 minutes, and we look at each other like, Chinese food? And we just turn around, and we just gorge ourselves for, like, a full week,

just Oreos, just going crazy. And it's my favorite thing. I know, like, when my parents are dead and I'm binge eating, I'm going to feel like I'm with them. But it's fun. It's like I like the icing. The grief is going to be bad for you. You're going to be a different person. I will be obese.

Yeah, you won't. You're not going to get diabetes. Diabetes is coming in real soon. But no, I like, yeah, no, I've come around to my parents where I like everything they do. I really want to tell the thing my dad won't let me tell. I really want you to say it too, but I don't know. Should I just say it and then I'll ask him again? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. My dad did like a men's weekend where he like got in touch with his feelings and he got really mad at my grandmother and he came home and he flushed her ashes down the toilet all of them he sprinkled some in the backyard okay okay he gave her like he probably like threw it on the ground i love it so much it's so gangster so funny also she's dead it's okay it's like yeah the sentiment of his love for

her doesn't get up during the men's meeting is that not the fucking best thing you've ever heard that is also it also so fucking funny. I hope he feels no guilt. I think it's so hilarious. I don't think he does. Maybe he hears you say this. Why does a woman have to tell him this? I would love to know if it was like a one flush or there's like that many and it kind of got clogged.

He was like really pissed off. Probably like this bitch, of course she's going to clog the toilet. Yeah. Well, I know that there were some ashes of hers that when they went on a boat, it was like my, my aunt and my dad went on this like metal boat and it was like lightning and, and they had some of her ashes. And I remember them being like, that bitch would like electrocute us. Like she would kill us or whatever. And then they, they threw her ashes in, but it was like, there was still the bag on it. They were litterers. They're from Long Island. And she wouldn't sink

and they were like, of course she won't sink. Like, it was like a lot of that. So I guess he had kept some and they ended up in there. It's the last thing you've got in your bag. Yeah, it's so funny.

I want to turn my dad's ashes into like, you can make like brown jewels. Yeah, you can. I want to make a jewel or you can like shoot people up in a balloon and the balloon explodes

and then they're like in the atmosphere. That's kind of fun. Someone said you could do like a tattoo with like the ashes in like the that seems a bit much well i want mine a little bit more i want i i know it's a health hazard and the city of la will never allow it but i want to be tnt'd like i want my dead body attached to like a bundle of dynamite and then blown up like old you want chunks like i want chunks of me on like a railroad too like it's gonna be classic to traumatize like the

general public like that to me sounds fun wait i know two separate people whose parents have died by getting hit by a train why how is it why is is it common to get killed by a train by accident or a suicide i think maybe they were suicides and that's what the thing was. But isn't that weird? I was thinking that the other day. It's like my mom has been on the train three times and she's gotten two of those times someone showed her their dick. It's like certain things where there's like patterns. She was like on the subway.

That showed them her. She got penises flashed twice. Oh, that's common. When I first came to America, like my first week, someone had their, in the MTA bus, had their dick in a Bible looking at me and jerking off like right in front of me. But he's with the Lord, so that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's accepted.

He got permission. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything was good. Did you guys ever roll a joint with a Bible paper? No. How do you do that? You just take a piece of Bible you guys ever roll a joint with a Bible paper? No. How do you do that?

You just take a piece of Bible paper and you roll it. Is Bible paper special? Zig Zags are 99 cents. But we were children. I don't know. It felt cool to be like, we're smoking the Bible. Did anyone in this room do that? Yeah.

You did? Hell yeah, bitch. Yes. Never in my life heard of this. No, this seems like a... I was like, we're so cool. Did you guys go through like a Satan phase? Satan phase.

I was a hardcore punker in high school. I had the dog collar on. Oh my God. I wore the dog collar for way too long. I saw a dog collar today from one of our themed episodes and I was like, should I just start wearing this? Yeah. Just say nothing?

You know what? Speaking of dog collar... Just all of a sudden I'm in a fucking spiked dog collar. Wait, I took a BDSM test. Have you guys ever heard of this? Yeah. Just say nothing. You know what? Speaking of dog collar, I'm in a fucking spike dog collar. Wait, I took a BDSM test. Have you guys ever heard of this? No. And I want to test. Yeah. It's like this whole thing. It's actually not as short of a test as I thought it was, but here's my summary. Um, they ask a whole lot of questions, but it turns out I'm a switch hitter. You guys, I'm neither a,'m neither a dom or a sub. You're a people pleaser.

Depending on my mood, I switch around. I feel like I would be a switch too because I don't, I would, I would, I have a vision of a future pegging of Todd. Like he keeps being like, I don't want that. I'm like, there, there's going to be a Todd. I envision like sitting at a table and he's like. Okay, so here it is.

Like I am, I am a switch hitter. I am a voyeur, not an exhibitionist because I don't like being watched. I want to watch other people have sex. What is it? The third one is I am non monogamous. Well, yeah, I've been with two guys at one time. That's 92% and I'm experimentalist. There's a rape bunny.

But I'm 67% vanilla There's a rape bunny. But I'm 67% vanilla. So sometimes I just like Christian sex. Of course. I enjoy Christian sex. Anal, right? Yes. Anal, no lube, bawling my eyes out.

No, I like, I enjoy just kind of lying there sometimes. And I'm a boy, I'm smoking a joint out of a Bible paper just watching it happen. I think people think that because we're so aggressive on stage that we want to be like that in the bedroom. And I'm like, I'm pretty like,

I'm not doing a lot of sexy talk. I'm like, I'm a mute now. I've been yelling all night. What do you want me to do? Am I acting out sometimes? I always sound like,

you want me to be quiet? Have sex with me. You like watching other people have sex. I feel like I'd be having a laugh. Something would go off and I'd be like

commenting on it. Are you commenting or are you quiet? No, no, no. Just like, well, compared to being watched. So I'd rather watch than be watched. Because if I'm being watched, I can never come. I think I would rather watch too than be watched. I can't be relaxed enough.

But also, I do like the idea of like hooking up next, like. Side by side. Side by side. I love a, I like like the idea of like hooking up next, like. Side by side. Side by side. Yeah. I love a, I like a hotel room bang. I saw myself fucking my ex-boyfriend in the mirror and I almost committed suicide. Yeah, I've never, I've never filmed. I was like, oh, there's two fucking wild hogs in the room and I didn't know that two fucking

pigs got in here. It was disgusting. That's when my parents made a sex tape when I was, when we were like kids. We didn't see it. What? Yeah, no, my parents made a sex tape and they said that it, they said that they just, after they watched it,

they just took a hammer to it. They were like, it was two pigs. Like they were like, it was literally like monsters fucking each other. It's mirrors in a hotel room unless you're like,

I don't know. I want pitch black when I have sex. My mind, I'm way hotter than what I am. So what I'm thinking I look like

is going to look a lot better. I've never, I'm not hotter than what I am. So what I'm thinking I look like is going to look a lot better. I've never, I'm not like a home video bitch. There's no rewatching. I'm a home video bitch. Are you? I've never done it. I think I have such a poor perception of myself in real time. You're the opposite. You look better in the video then. Back at old photographs or videos of myself, even fucking, I'm like, I'm a fucking goddess. What the fuck was I thinking in that moment? How many of you filmed? I mean, you know, for my spank bank, you guys don't have spank banks? I don't really, I'm not involved in my spank bank. I don't,

no, no, no. I don't want my spank bank. A pussy staying in here and the men that have slopped on it. We're keeping that. We were talking about the same thing. I'm like, no, no, no. I've asked this question before. I've only taken nudes I'd be happy with. Well, you saw my pussy the other day, but I'm just showing you. No, but you were covering it. I was covering it.

Where you saw Steph's pussy? Yeah, but she was like. Oh, I was, you know, I got a big hand and I was hiding a lot of it. It wasn't like, there it is. It was a lot of it tucked up, tucked around.

Yeah, you gotta look. I'm good at tucking. I'm good at tucking. I'm good at rolling. It's like a really tightly rolled burrito in there. Everything's in there. I'm good at tucking. I'm good at rolling. It's like a really tightly rolled burrito in there. Everything's in there. You're not going to see it. You've got it open. But then you can't walk too much. You've got to walk real slow. You're a real talker. I can't uncross my legs.

We aren't moving the whole podcast. Steph, if you were dating someone seriously and you find out that they still have videos and nudes of their exes in their hidden folder without- I'd freak the fuck out. Would you? Yeah. My ex was following so many of his exes, all of his exes on Instagram, and still looking

at them and commenting and liking, and it really fucked me up. I was dating a guy who was in full contact with every ex and would send them, I love you, all the time. What? Fucking nuts. To like five different girls, and I was just like, ugh, whatever. Why? I don't know. was just like ugh, whatever. Why? I don't know. I just was like So it's the

So no exes in the Spank Bank. I mean I think you just haven't mentioned the Spank Bank but if he had like a folder that I knew they were looking at I was like why wouldn't like, I'm not enough right now? We've been through this. We've been through this before but Todd does have one but it's like he can't delete it and And I thought he was lying,

but he literally can't. It's like, it's like in his cloud or on another phone or something. It sounds like he's lying, but. No, I have a video on my phone

that I can't get rid of. Yeah, you can't get it. And it's so weird. Like, I don't want this. I don't want, it's like my friend's set

from five years ago. He's bombing his dick off. I don't want this fucking set on here. I can't get it off. New York Comic Club, every day I delete it and it won't go away. I don't know what this is.

Fucking Alex Pavone bombing five years ago I'm like I need this off oh my god he's going buddy hey buddy and I'm like why do I fucking have this I might have been there

not using the mic I was in the audience going get off the stage Canadian he's hilarious I love him but the video's bad do you see in my BDSM results

0% degrader 0% daddy mommy 0% age player I don't like daddy mommy my okay my ex-boyfriend came into like he was pretty fresh off like a long relationship he tried to bring his shit from his last relationship to me and it was so upsetting to me it was a lot of like sibling shit oh daddy stuff and and calling me like a stupid bitch and i was like so he was into degrading degrading i'm not i think she was before no i don't the degrad. I was like, no, no, no. So he was into degrading. Degrading, I'm not sure.

I think she was before. No, I don't. The degrading was not. I was like, the minute, I was like, get off me. I'm already degrading. When I look in the mirror, I'm like, you disgusting fucking bitch.

No, I want something I'm already fucking doing to me. You need to like worship me. No, no, no, yes. You insane? Yeah, I'm not into degrading at all, but the daddy-mommy stuff is a little bit strange.

Like the most, the farthest I'll take it is if I do role play, it's always my dad's best friend or his like hot co-worker or something like that. Yeah. But never daddy. I've never done role play. Ever?

No. I feel like you'd be so good at it. I know, but I feel like I immediately want to play the man. I come out like a mustache and a wig. What are you doing? Wait, no, you don't have to dress up. In my head, I'm coming out full mustache. Do you have dreams where you're a dude? Do you have dreams where you're a dude and you wig. What are you doing right now? Wait, no, you don't have to dress up. In my head, I'm coming out full mustache. Do you have dreams where you're a dude?

Do you have dreams where you're a dude and you're a fucking girl? No. I have those and I'm crushing. Really? I'm like, oh my God, I would be the best guy. I'd be a good lesbian. I feel like I just, I needed to, I keep trying.

But you, so what's the issue? You have the voice, you have the look. I know. You have the wolf cut. You have the hair, even the socks I know you have the wolf cut I've I've you have the hair even the socks are kind of gay I know there's like golden retrievers um I I don't know I've tried so many times even a golden retriever is kind of a gay choice I drive a fucking Subaru outback I'm a dyke I swear to god I'm deep down I don't know what the problem is because I feel very similar to you like I do feel like I have like a, like there is a lesbian inside me, but it just isn't,

it never comes to. Same. But I think that the term for that is heteroflexible. Yeah. Where it's like, yes, you lean more towards, you know, being straight. But then when I hooked up with a girl, how do you feel when you, because you have hooked up with girls before. Yes.

How do you feel? Good. And I. Always one-on-one or in the context of a threesome? No, one-on-one. And? And like, I think with with me it's a very specific woman so like i've like with guys i'm like a pig i'm like oh fuck him i'm fucking fucking but with women it's like literally i'm like a construction worker i swear to god i'm such a what's your what's your type i'm super femme and the ones that like me are super butch i'm like we can't be two men in a

room it's too much i can't be i can't look at me i need somebody like you know i like i met this girl years ago in amsterdam if she's watching this i hope you i don't know her name i was with my boyfriend that broke my hymen and we were walking across this bridge and she's like beautiful blonde ruined it with 14 night pads anyways beautiful blonde like woman and she like stopped me and she's like oh my god your voice and i was like what she's like i love your voice and she was like curly like maryland monroe maybe this was i made this up i was so high in amsterdam but i swear to god this is a real person and she's like, oh my God, your voice. And I was like, what? She's like, I love your voice. And she was like curly, like Marilyn Monroe. Maybe this was, I made this up. I was so high. I'm sorry, but I swear to God, this is a real person.

And she's like, you should come back with me. And I was like, I'm here with my boyfriend. It was crazy. It was insane. And I was like that, that woman. I was like, that was like the woman of my dreams. I'm like, I don't know. And I have been like, I've had like, I had another girlfriend.

My first girlfriend was 24. We dated for like three and a half months. And it was, it came on really strong. I just broke up with the Hyman man. And it was like, I went from him seven years to, and I was 24 we dated for like three and a half months and it was it came on really strong I just broke up with the hymen man and it was like I went from him seven years to I was like it was like a lot and it was like I really liked her but I think she was like shaved head kind of it was I think I just want like you weren't it wasn't like yeah but I like I like to hang out with women like I'm not like I'm not like disgusted to eat puss I'm down there oh you you're not you you're into eating puss But also like Dr. Drew called me out on this. He was like, eating pussy or not wanting to eat pussy

does not determine your sexuality like at all. There are many men, straight men out there who don't necessarily love eating pussy either. Shut up and get down there. I'm sick of that. Like we want to suck your dick. Get the fuck down there. I know, that is so annoying.

Get a grip. You have to. You have to. I don't want your fucking pubes in my teeth, you idiot. It's not an option. I had so many pubes in my mouth. I'm like, what is this? It's disgusting. I know, it's so annoying. You have to. I don't want your fucking pubes in my teeth, you idiot. It's not an option. I had so many pubes in my mouth. I'm like, what is this? It's disgusting.

I know. It's so annoying to handle yourself. So you don't like hair on the shaft or anywhere else? I don't like the hair that's still attached to the body. I don't want it to be. But if it's in my throat, I don't want it. Look, I don't want it to be fully shaved either. Fully shaved and shiny is like unacceptable to me.

No, I don't. That's creepy. It's disgusting. Bald down there is weird. I hate bald. I hate bald down there. Well, they're trying to get as many inches as they can. Don't you feel like Tom Sandoval from Vanderpump is fully shaved?

That is what that reminds me of, like a Tom Sandoval. Wait, is Sandoval the one that cheated or the other one? Sandoval is the one that probably has. Is he the one that cheated? That cheated, yes. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, it's like, no.

It's also like I'm hairy as hell. I'm like,'s gonna be weird I'm not getting rid of the hair the hair is we're hairy I've accepted it I have a hairy ass have you ever dated

like a femme guy yeah did that work was there any no again I feel too masculine yeah I don't want to feel like

I feel like I don't know yeah but that's weird because you like super femme girls I know it's very bizarre because in that scenario you would be the guy.

Yes. It's like, it's cut and dry. And then I think, yeah, and I think with a man, I'm like, I don't want to be the man with a man. Yeah. Like, I want to be the man with. You don't want to be like. Yeah, and I've been the man with half. You like bumping chest with him.

Wrestling them. Get over here, you son of a bitch. Taking him down. Let's go fucking throw the pigskin around. He's like, can we just watch a movie? I'm like, let's fucking wrestle. I'm similar in that, like, I almost need a girl with my exact stature.

She has to be my height. She cannot be shorter. Because, again, I don't want to feel like the dude. Like, it has to be someone maybe sporty, more athletic, little titties. I, the only girl that I hooked up with was like, and it was like, we were friends for a while, but it was like, you know, sort of romantic or whatever. And she looked so much like

a boy and it was just so weird. And then when we did finally hook up and she wasn't a boy, it was like almost like a betrayal. I don't know. It was like so soft. It was soft. I was like, oh. I like the soft kisses sometimes, but then sometimes I want to be like, fuck. Yeah. You're a switch hitter. Yeah, I'm a switch hitter. I got to do this fucking test and see what the hell. It was so weird though.

But I've never like, I've never been with like a super pretty femme girl and been like, like leaning, like it's never been like, all of a sudden we're like. You know, I've spent this whole summer trying, right? Like I've gone out on more dates with girls than I have with boys. Cause I'm like, I'm just going to power through. Like I, there's this idea in my head where I'm like, have I just been programmed to just want dick? So I'm like, so I, I watch fully lesbian porn only. In fact, I would, I can't remember a time when I've watched porn with a dick involved.

So I'm turned on by it. But when it comes down to it, I just, there isn't like a natural like pull. And the, I made out with a girl at a bar at the rustic. You asked again? Yeah. I have made out with so many people at the rustic. Me too. I mean, oh my God. All I'm doing is eating fucking two pounds of wings to myself.

No way, Seth. You guys crazy? It's so dark in there there it's the best place to make out because i've made out with the wings too oh my god i've made out with the ugliest people in there and i'm so proud of to say that i ever tell you the story about when i woke up this is obviously before i quit drinking my friends had moved to a place that was like right next to the old rustic and i was still living in santa fe and i came, of course, it was my, my friend was moving out to eventually marry my ex-boyfriend who I was still in love with.

So of course I was like, I'll help you drive out. I like driving you out while they're like crying. Sure. Yeah, I'll be in the wedding. You'll help your lunch on the way. Oh, yeah. I know you're using me because you know that I love him still and it makes him hotter for you. But so I get wasted with all of them.

We go to Yale Rustic and I bring back like the big sign that's like two for one like Budweiser's or whatever. I steal the sign. I drag it back to their house. I'm like, isn't this awesome? Why is this a thing we did? Why was it fun to do this? You are disgusting.

You're a disgrace. How could you do this dude we would nobody thought it was cool in my head i'm like this is the fun i'm still high school like i'm hilarious i would have to drag it back they made you get back i would have hyped you up i i stole signage from everywhere if i could have ripped stop signs off there was nothing cooler than stop signs yeah and like i used to take the subway sign off the toronto ttc it was the best the long ones all the stops oh my god oh yeah i love taking yes we're like this is fucking so cool i had the worst date of my life at u-rus again i brought this guy i hope you're listening you fucking piece of shit he talked

about himself the whole time like i swear i swear to god at one point i started going and just making weird sounds just to see what he would do and he didn't even he just kept going through he's like wake up at six i go to the climbing gym then by seven i'm at the office and i was like is this guy fucking crazy so i biked by the way you can't be single on a rock climb no he's a fucking loser he's also one foot tall shut up so i had a i biked there so i went to go uh so it's like a walk of your bike i'm like okay i'm a loser wear a helmet i'm safe so i wouldn to put my helmet on and when i like i clicked it up he like came he like leaned in and i was like oh okay so i leaned in for the cast he goes whoa whoa and i'm like excuse me

he's like uh no and like turned and ran down the street and i was like i will run you over with my fucking bike right now i will fucking take my two-wheeler bike, my bicycle. I was so pissed. I hate that guy. When it comes to cannabis, you want a product that strikes just the right mood. And mood ships you affordable 100% federally legal Delta 8 and Delta 9 THC products with specialty strains that can make you feel mellowed out, productive, creative, even euphoric, and social.

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your first order and free gummies, go to hellomood.com and use promo code TRASHTUESDAY. That's hellomood.com, promo code TRASHTUESDAY for 20% off your order and free gummies. You guys, I got my Quip starter kit and I got a water flosser. I'm like, oh, that's why I've had bad breath for 30 years. I mean, I honestly can't believe I didn't send this to you sooner. It's a meter. Sitting every day. It feels so it's the, it's literally better than sex. Like the water just made it so it's like a water park in your mouth. It's somehow as satisfying as drinking water. Annie, do not use it here. It works very well and it seriously will hurt. I'm not, it works very well and it seriously will hurt i'm not it's not aimed at you can i attack kalilah you guys this water flosser hits all the right spots with gentle or deep clean pressure at the

touch of a button no but can i tell you i've always wanted a water flosser but they're so ugly and quip makes one like the quip is like the apple of dental products. Like look at how chic this is. The other ones you see like are so ugly and not okay. And also I use my Quip toothbrush for travel or like I've always used mine. Like if I'm working on set, I bring it and that's like my sexy girl toothbrush. And you can… TSA will think this is a sex product. But that's what we want.

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vibrations for an effective clean that's gentle on your sensitive gums, which I have. And a lot of times, people with electric toothbrushes will brush too hard and it's too abrasive, but Quip will not let you do that. Like, it's the perfect amount. Take care of your gums. And if you go to quip.com slash trash Tuesday right now, you get 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser. That's 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser at getquip.com slash trash Tuesday. Spell G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash trash Tuesday. Quip, the good habits.

Open your mouth, Kalilah. Wait, what is this? Just open your mouth. It's the mint. Quip, the good habits company. Open your mouth, Kalilah. Wait, what is this? Just open your mouth. It's the mint. Oh, my God. I had a tooth. Wait, we also, you guys also, they have a built-in two-minute timer,

so it pulses every 30 seconds to remind you, like, to switch sides. I'm telling you, I, like, Quip is changing my life. Like, Quip, will you take me home with you tonight? I love you so much. Actually, I'm taking you home with me. Okay. We need to talk about the gum dispenser, too. Oh, I think she just shot it in my mouth. That's the mint dispenser. Do you want me to try again? This is not the one that fell on the floor.

Is this a gum? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, I keep missing. I'm sorry. Hold on. Thank you, Annie. What is it? This is the coolest gum dispenser ever. I've never had a gum dispenser, but I'll tell you. Actually, you know what? I have. The gum dispenser was the tape, the bubble tape. And this is way better.

I'm a grown-up now, okay? And it's so chic. Look at that. This is cute. They also have my favorite thing, which is the Slim Travel Ready Dispenser, available in five colors, metal or plastic. It's a pack, and it protects up to 10 pieces of gum or mint at a time and fits in just about any purse or pocket on the go. Like, it's so much chiquer to have your gum or mints in, like, a little mysterious dispenser as opposed to, like, I don't know.

When I just think of what's in my purse before this, it's not good. Also, I have ADD. This is a thing. It sticks on your wall, so you just have a place for your toothbrush. I am always like, where am I? I have 50 toothbrushes. I have 25 quips. I go out at night with like this.

It's a slap bracelet. You're just bleeding. I've gone on. Okay, this is what I want to bring up. This is what I want to bring up. I want some opinions here I want everyone's opinion on this I'm having a hard time dating

okay it's not going well I'm getting ghosted I'm getting stood up wait what apps are you on I'm on all the apps I can't get on Raya Raya if you're listening

I'm gonna fucking I think I bullied somebody at Raya I have 15 friend passes I cannot get on I don't know what I've emailed them I have emailed them I send them

I send them updates on my social media I go I have 143,000 followers. I'm crazy. Raya is such a nightmare. I just want to be on it. It's so bad. If I tell you there's a comic on it

and he's got 1,400 followers. No, I know. Matty Fontana. I'm sorry. He's a good guy. He's on Raya. By the way, can we time out? He's the most disgusting,

annoying person I've ever met in my entire life. I can't stand him. He's on Raya. I hate him. I hate him. I can't stand him. He's on fire. I hate him. I hate him. I actually fucking hate him. And I'm sorry.

I hate him so much I have to stop. He's so annoying. I've sat with him. I smoke cigarettes and I would bump cigarettes from him, okay? I'm a bad person. I use this person for cigarettes. Sometimes I'm sad. I'm lonely.

Brody died, whatever. I'm like, okay, I'll go. Fine. You're here. I'll smoke your cigarettes. I'll go. Fine. You're here. I'll smoke your cigarettes. We'll go eat at Swingers or whatever. He'll sit there and talk about, oh, I give girls like 13 orgasms. I'm not interested in you. Oh, I fuck girl, blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. I'm like, he'll give me notes on comedy. He talks to me like he's a good comic. This is a 75-year-old man that has started doing comedy about six months ago.

He was so fucking annoying. I hate his guts anyway. He might be saying, I love the rant. Okay. I'm sorry. I hate his guts anyway. He might be saying that. I love the rant. Okay, I'm sorry. I hate him. He's not a good guy. He's scum. He's trash. He's on Ryan.

I'm not. So what's going on is I feel like my comedy is so aggressive that it's hard. Men never hit on me after my shows. And if they do, they're terrifying. So it's like I feel like I've been trying to like find a middle ground of like the guys on the apps when they find out I'm a comedian, they're like weirded out by it. And if they see my set, they hate it. So guys that already know who I am, I'm like, maybe guys who are kind of fans of me.

So this guy, I'm not going to say his name, has been following me on Instagram for a long time, DMs me. I click on his picture. Very attractive. Okay. Very attractive. Younger, 27, lives in Laguna Beach. I'm like, okay.

So I'm like, here's my phone number. Let's text. We start texting like crazy. Okay. Texting like crazy. Got to open this up. I'm like, okay. So I'm like, here's my phone number. Let's text. We start texting like crazy. Okay. Texting like crazy. Gotta open this up. We make plans last Monday. Okay.

So we're texting. I'm talking like there's a lot of text. A lot of text. And you're being hilarious the whole time. Being funny. He's being funny.

He's being cute. Whatever. Yeah, vibing. We're vibing. So last Thursday, we're discussing how we're going to go Monday night.

So Monday night, I'll be free on six. He's like, great. Thursday. We're such psychos that we have to have dates on Mondays, by the way. But literally, Monday's the only night off. And I made it very clear Monday's the only night off. But we had been talking.

He's like, okay, great. We'll figure out a plan. We keep talking, talking, talking. Okay? So this is like Thursday. He asked me a question about the comedy store. I replied back to him. Here, nothing.

Okay, that's Thursday. Friday. You're so funny. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's Thursday. Friday. Oh, yeah. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Nothing. And I'm like, okay, we have plans for Monday. So on Sunday, I send the eyeballs. Oh, the eyeballs

are so good. Just the eyeballs. Just the two balls going what's up. Yeah. The two balls is being like, you can't make plans. You know what we should have? You know what? There should be emoji. There should be an emoji of Sonic when he was tapping his foot. Oh, my God. Yes. That should be the one.

That's so good. Like, come on. So it's like, okay, we made plans, but I'm like, it's weird to make plans with somebody and then just not talk at all. Right. So I'm like, what's going on? Monday, 5.59 p.m. when we're supposed to meet. Okay?

This is the text I get. I want everyone's opinion on this. Good afternoon slash good evening, Stephanie. Oh, you. No one's called me Stephanie in my life. Creepy as hell. I need to apologize being MIA and for the lack of communication. I had taken my car into the shop Friday to get some work done

and accidentally dropped my phone in the endless valley between the seat and the center console. I'm sorry. You're telling me a 27-year-old man left his cell phone in the endless valley between the seat and the center console. I'm sorry. You're telling me a 27 year old man left his cell phone in his car all weekend long and at no point went to check on it. Didn't buy a new phone. I'd immediately buy a new phone. It's crazy. Find my phone. Yeah. So the good news is I have both my phone and my car back, but I feel terrible for leaving you hanging. I know it's last minute and it would be later than intended but if you still want to hang I'll head your way this is the biggest fucking lie everyone's heard their entire life correct there's no fucking way this is real that's not real you think it's real we have what do we have here

no come here come here I need to hear this wait hold on okay have you been ghosted have you been stood up have you been stood up before have you been ghosted? Have you been stood up? Have you been stood up before? Have you been ghosted? Are you single? Yeah Okay I want to hear this I want to hear your opinion Because everyone else is saying this is a lie correct? Um

What? Do you know this man? I'm kidding I don't know this man She's like this is actually my boyfriend Yeah I just think I'm really gullible What?

Into the mic I don't know this man I don't know this man okay um I think I'm really gullible and I just it's just something I want to believe like why couldn't it happen but I'm also am I just naive but I just don't understand the point of not responding and then responding and then still wanting to hang out and not setting the plan. Like, I just don't understand why the type of ghosting to me is weird. It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. And I just, I just picture all of us in here are obsessed with our fucking phones. There's no fucking way.

How many days was it that he was supposedly lost his phone? Four days. But the phone was in the car that was at the mechanic. So it's like the phone was in the car that was at the shop. But how did the mechanic contact him? How did he get home from the mechanic if he couldn't get an Uber over the phone? But he's a guy. They don't know what they're doing.

The texts are blue. So he has an iPhone, which means he... He's on his laptop. He's on his laptop. He's got a MacBook. But why am I making excuses for the man? I don't know. Why am I making excuses for this stranger?

Okay. My boyfriend, who happened to marry my friend, who I moved out to Los Angeles and I stole the sign. When he was trying to break up with me, so we dated. I was only 19, but he was like, come to break up with me so we we dated I was like only 19 but he was like come to Tennessee meet my parents my college boyfriend he's like I want you have to meet my family I'm like finally in love I finally found this funny awesome guy right he's like you

got to come to Tennessee like get your ticket like come for New Year's right so Christmas he's he drops me off at the airport I fly home he does not talk to me the entire time I'm home so we have this plan I have a ticket everything I'm like okay I need to figure out like when I'm going so I'm like I'm calling him I'm emailing him all this stuff no response finally he calls me Christmas Eve and he's like oh I forgot my phone charger no okay it's like you can get no that's's like you can get in contact with people. No, that's crazy. But you can get in contact with people, is all I'm saying. Like there's never like, he has your Instagram. He has my Instagram. Exactly.

That was what I was going to say now. So when Bobby's been on the road, he's lost his phone or whatever. Bobby would lose his phone. All the time. A million times. But I know that if I can't get a hold of someone through my phone, there's five other ways I can do that. And you don't want someone, like, to leave someone hanging if you like them. And you want to impress them.

And you said that, like, he said he was a fan of mine. He's known me for a long time. He couldn't believe we were talking. So all this stuff made me believe. And I was like, and he was super cute, and he's being really nice, and he wasn't being creepy. That's why I was like, oh, my God. Is he trying to get into comedy?

No. He has nothing to do with comedy. He's into surf stuff. And I was like, this would be perfect. He lives kind of far but not too close. I just, like, all of it. Here's the problem. But the thing is, he does want to do with comedy. He's into surf stuff. And I was like, this would be perfect. He lives kind of far, but not too close. I just like all of it. Here's the problem. But the thing is, he does want to hang out in the end.

So I don't understand what the fucking point of all this is. I just, I really do not trust men. My ex fucked me badly. And I'm like, now my trust has been sucked out of my ass. And now I'm like, how do I trust this man? I can't believe in my girls. You don't trust men. You find a man who does things that show you to trust him.

Yes. I would have yelled at you. So I'm like this. I needed that. What? Yeah. Like if I'm sorry, Steph, this guy is a no for me. Okay.

This is what I'm like because I'm like, yeah, no. I'm like this is, I didn't reply. And by the way, it's actually. But maybe the younger girls know what's up. Maybe this is a 27-year-old move. The vibe texting and then it all of a sudden doesn't work out. I'm over that. That's like.

Okay. What would you reply to this then? I would not reply. Yeah. I mean, I believe it, but I wouldn't go out with him because I'm like, I believe you because you're a dumb man. Okay. You believe because he's dumb, but that's it. No.

I'm not going to air it. Okay. So you. It's not possible to not have your phone for four days. It's actually not humanly No. Okay, so you... It's not possible to not have your phone for free. It's actually not humanly possible. I didn't think it was humanly possible. Homeless people have phones.

And they're charging them up. And yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this is not... He maybe... What does he have? A girlfriend or something? That's why I was like, could be girlfriend, could be...

There's so many other options here. And I was like, I just... I'm like, I'm not... But it's like one thing if he decides he doesn't want it. Like if he was like flirting with you, but he's like in a relationship and he's like, if he decides he doesn't want it, like if he was like flirting with you, but he's like in a relationship and he's like, oh, I don't actually want to hang out.

Oh shit, this got real. Then there wouldn't be the Stephanie text. Yes. Yes. Follow up and then I'll come hang out. Stephanie's weird. Have you FaceTimed him yet? No, no FaceTime.

Has he sent any photos of him like. Jerking off. Can we. Now, like have you, like, could this be someone who's. Is it Jessica Michelle? No, I have, I have his Instagram. Can we call him? Yeah Like could this be Someone who's Is it Jessica Michelle No I have I have his Instagram Can we call him

Let's see him No no I don't want to call him Let's see him Let's call him No I don't want to call him He's nothing He's gone No he's

Because I also want to give him His attention I don't want to give Like that's You know we're giving him Like full attention I mean I didn't reply to that That was a week ago

But it's peach colored Like this I'm blushing Because I'm like I just Also yeah I don't want to give these Can I see what cute you're blushing, but it's peach colored like this. I'm blushing because I'm like, I just, also, yeah, I don't want to give these. Can I see what he looks like?

Yes. I'll see what his eyes are. Because this could change, this could change a lot. Because here's the thing, he's not, there's just no way. I think he's very attractive is the issue.

Steph, what about if you just. These girls haven't been fucked over and now they're still young. He's still following me. That's the thing. Of course. If you guys, yeah, I've been fucked over so many times now

and it's just like, especially in this fucking. This is the least trustworthy looking human I've ever seen. That's so funny. He's cute, but it's like. It was an odd telling. It was like.

Okay, I see why I wouldn't. He's very cute. Yes, that's the problem. He's very cute. That's the issue. He's very cute. And again, a fan of mine. You can get this guy.

That's not this guy. I mean, he's so stupid. There was a guy. Oh, my God. There was a guy. There are these guys that hover around comedy, okay, that are like this. There was a guy that I met who was like a doctor. Like we were vibing.

He came to the comedy store. He was like a friend of someone. Give me your runoffs. What was going on here? Give me these doctors. No, listen. We were vibing so hard. Like it was a vibe vibe.

And this was when I had been like only dating shitty comics and stuff. And I was like, I'm ready to date someone with a real job. Then I meet this like relatively good looking, a little bit nerdy. Like I'm still cooler than him. God, they're always rock climbing. There's always like a rock climbing. I really love that you don't follow him back. I'm never going to follow him back. There's always like a rock climbing. Everyone, everybody that's coming around. I really love that you don't follow him back. But so, of course. I'm never going to follow him back.

Insane. But so, okay. So we're vibing. Everything's kind of like crazy. I say to his friend, I go, I vibed with your friend. And he goes, he's like, yeah, he's like, I don't like setting people up. And I go, okay, you don't have to. It's just like, he's like a fucking doctor.

And we vibe. I mean, there was an obvious, like we were flirting the whole time. Like he even had like, I looked at his Instagram and he had like ugly sandals. You know when you're like, I guess I'll overlook ugly sandals. I'll overlook, no, like leather. Ew. And um. Love that it's green too. I like the hard banana.

No, honestly, I like a hard banana. I can't do a bruised one. I throw up. Don't throw too. I like the hard banana. No, honestly, I like the hard banana. I can't do a bruised one. I'd throw up. Don't throw up. You have... I have a gag problem. Something's going on. But not with specific things.

But anyway, so... Anyway, so... Small. Then he's like... His friend goes, he's on a camping trip without his phone. He's not going to be back for two weeks. They go,

abort, abort mission. I want nothing to do with him. It's like, sometimes he goes, MIA. Okay. No. I'm done. Anyone that doesn't have their phone for four days or doesn't have I'm not interested in that. I like a lot of texting. Especially at the top, we can't get to know each other.

I like to FaceTime a guy. Eric Andre said that. I heard him say that he only FaceTimes people now before me because we're busy. You get there today. Some guy fucking, we matched on Bumble. And then he was like, I've DM'd you before on Instagram. I'm like, what?

So he DMs me. And then I made a joke. He said he had a dad bod. I'm like, oh, how big is his dad bod? And he's like, well, 5'3". I'm like, 5'3"? I'm like, your Bumble says you're 6' tall. I swiped right because you were 6' tall.

Not because you're 5'3". Not dating a 5'3". No offense. By the way, short kings, just be short. Be short. Don't lie. Now you've lied. Six feet?

At least say 5'6". Wait, short kings are apparently going out together and having short king parties? You're looking at me? They stand on top of each other's shoulders. Well, you're not short, Julian. Yeah, we don't know women's seats on the bar. Like, who's here? Yeah, but apparently they are congregating.

No, that happened. I was vibing with a guy and he popped off the, I was a bartender. He popped off the chair and I was, you could barely see the top of his head. It was one of the most unbelievable things. Like, there was this one bartender that I used to go in and flirt with. And my joke with my friend was always that he was just going to wheel out one day because I never saw the bottom of his body. Wait, see, this is where I think dating has gotten a little bit fucked for us. And I miss the days or growing up in the Philippines, like there's levels to the game.

First, you have to ask a girl if you're allowed to court her. So even before you start shooting your shot, you have to ask a girl if you're allowed to court her. So even before you start shooting your shot, you have to ask to shoot your shot. So there is pre-courtship and then courtship, and then you go into a mutual understanding and you have one more step before you're official. There's five steps to it. And I think we've just bypassed everything straight into situationships with no answers and no like ending I like that my grandparents were in arranged marriage I'm thinking that well I got maybe I'll just do that fuck it wait maybe wait that's it I'm going back to Bulgaria we should

get you on um married at first sight yes god yes I tried to get on love is blind I tried real hard but I was like I know right away I'd be like hey hey, what's up? They'd be like, oh, I'm in the wrong room. Sorry, Chad. I'm like, no. No, it's not. It's Stephanie. No, come on. And I wanted,

I was trying so hard. I was like, didn't happen. Wait, Married at First Sight is so good because you have professional professionals. It's the darkest. It's like, may as well be like true crime. It's so, do you ever watch it? Do people ever last from it or no?

Yes. Every once in a while they do. But God damn is it. These matchmakers miss so hard on one. You're like these people are repulsed by each other. I was thinking of getting one out here. I'm not even kidding. A matchmaker?

I'm having such a hard time meeting men. If I go anywhere else, I meet guys the second I leave the city. But this city, it's like I don't know. I'm fucking dying. No, you just have to meet someone that likes that you're a crazy, intense bitch. Yeah. You have to have a crazy mother. A crazy mother.

That's what they need. That's what I need. You need someone with a crazy mom. Uh-huh. That is the only thing that has ever worked for me. They are repulsed by what we are, a lot of men. Yes. They don't like what we are.

No kidding. They can't stand it. And especially when you're vibing and you're like, oh, these texts, I'm fucking being hilarious. And they're probably like, ugh. Yeah, they're like, please stop. Yeah. But I know them a lot. I know.

I know what I'm giving off. It's a lot. It's not a lot, but it's not too much. I'm a nice person. I'm very generous. I'm caring. I act like a ghoul on stage. I can be sweet.

I can be nice. Yeah, I think that I don't think you're a lot or too much for anyone I just think that have you seen my set I was like have you seen me on stage because like I always know but there is someone who probably loves that intense energy like we had um dumbfounded on and he he um he talked about just always wanting super strong successful women I love love when guys say that. And he means it. And he's really kind of walked that walk because he's always been with smart, strong,

successful women. It's just hard to find those guys. I know they're out there but it's like where are they? Not on the apps. I don't know what the hell. I try to meet people in public but it's not. Younger. You gotta always go younger too. Out in the wild. Because the other ones are crazy. I'll go out with you in the wild stuff i think we can go hunting together i want to go with you guys can i go with you yeah i feel like she is a great great wing woman well we'll just

be so loud like we'll just get rid of the people that don't want what yeah yeah i don't know yield rustic yeah let's do that on like a weekend ye rustic is that where it is okay yeah it's hard like being a comic

and dating people is just it's like a hard because we do have like our state persona we have all these things it's like it is just a weird

our schedule too it's like bye I'm about to go on the road for fucking and also we get like a type of attention that's like we don't you know

I had one boyfriend that was so like thirsty for my attention I was like I don't know how to explain to you that like every night an audience of strangers gives me what you think that I should be seeking from you. And it's so much better. Wait, Julian, I have a question for you. Um, in a gay relationship, let's say MM or FF, who do you guys talk about who pays for the date or like, what is the dynamic when it comes to money? How cute do you look? Oh God. Um, it's so funny. Cause I get asked that question all the time. I think it depends on vibe really. Right. Like it,

it depends on what the interaction. Steph and I are paying. I've never not been. Waiters bring me the check. Give me an example of a dynamic where you've either felt like, oh, I think I'm taking care of this bill, and when you felt like, no, he should take care of this. See, I'm the type of person that normally just wants to take care of the bill no matter what. I feel like I'm always in that position, even with, like, friends.

Power movie, yeah. Hell yeah. You know what I mean? Got this, yeah. I just always, because then I don't want to worry about it. It's just easy. Yeah, it's easy. But I think, like, with dates, I think, like, one time I remember it was, like, this daddy.

I remember it was like this daddy. It was fantastic, which is a very opposite role of what I like normally am. But he, it was like, it was clear, right? Like you didn't, you didn't have to ask.

You knew that he was going to get his card out. Do you know what I mean? Like, I love that. Yeah. Which was fantastic. And I didn't even have to like, I didn't even go to my wallet.

I literally just like, the bill came and he like immediately grabbed it. And I was like, this is. How about, isn't it weird stuff when you're like on the road with a, when you're opening for a comic and then you got to dinner with them and then you're like, I mean, obviously they're going to pay, I guess. But it's like, do you ever have that? Like I used to open for Jim Norton and we would go to these like expensive dinners. I mean, I was like broke as shit and the bill would come

and I'm not fucking this person. I'm not dating them. But I'm like, do I have to, I remember just going, can I just get you like McDonald's one day? Like, it's like, there's always like that awkward, like power thing, even if there's not sex involved with that, I feel like. But I, yeah. But that's basically how you know that uh I'm only catching friend vibes is if we go out on a date and I pay oh really no and it's like if it's yeah especially if it's uh all the girl dates I've been on I've paid and I haven't walked away feeling good about it I don't like feeling like them being hot hot-girled is annoying. Yeah. I'm not gay, and it's like when bitches try to pull that shit on me,

where they treat you like I'm not giving you special treatment because you're a hot girl. Yeah. I'm not trying to fuck you. It's okay, bitch. It does go back to gender norms, right? Even with men, with gay men, it's like if I'm going out with... It sounds really awful, but if I'm going out with like a more flamboyant guy, for example, like I'm going to expect to pay, right?

If I'm going out with that daddy, you know, burly guy, to me it's him paying, right? Like it's not great, but it's just kind of. I just also like who makes the most money you know but we don't know that up front i know i know i like the first date they pay i always know same same yeah of course yeah but it's classic here's where i felt like i needed to pay i was a lot taller than her and i know that's a weird fucked up thing but i'm like no i feel like i have shoulders yeah and she was like softer and she was in a dress and I was a little bit more, you know what I mean?

Like, and so I was like, I think I'm paying because I think I'm the fucking dude here. And it's so like, that's such an old way of thinking. I should, I would, if I like being wined and dined, I should, that should apply to both men and women, right? Yeah. There should never be splitting ever. It's like you get one, I get one at least. I had a bad split.

But never split. We're not doing math. We're not doing splits. It's so annoying. Two cards. That gives me PTSD of when I was broke when I first moved to LA. Yes. You go out with friends and everyone is splitting.

Itemizing. That's writing on the back of the check. No. What's the place in K-Town called? It's like the old ship. It's like a boat place. Oh, my God. Blank on the back of the check? No. I went to, what's the place in K-Town called? It's like the old ship. It's like a boat place. Oh my God. Blank on the name.

It's a really good bar for like a, like a date bar. I go with this guy. He talks about how he owns two houses the whole fucking time. We work over happy hour.

Bill comes. It's, I swear to God, $32. He goes, oh, we'll just split it. The bartender goes,

you're going to split the bill? And I was like, this like old Korean woman was like, you're splitting it. And I was like, we'll just split it. The bartender goes, you're going to split the bill? And I was like, this old Korean woman was like, you're splitting it. And I was like, we're splitting it. And I slid my car. It was fucking embarrassing. It was like $16 or whatever the fuck it was. I was like, aye.

And then he went to give me a hug. And I was like, nah, I'm not in the mood for that right now. It was so, you just bragged about owning two homes and you can't buy me. It was, the drinks were $4. Like, it was crazy. Yeah. Even in my, like, my merch lines, like, I'm always like, I'm like, buy her the shirt.

Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Like, do not make her pull her card out, bitch. Buy her the fucking shirt. Buy her the shirt. I'm like, okay, good. Buy her the goddamn shirt. Especially if it's a cheap bill.

Whatever. I'm over it. 32 bucks. That's insane. It was crazy. It was insane. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't. That's insane. It was crazy. It was insane. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't.

It was fun. I feel like I've only gone on actually four dates probably in my life because of just the culture of drinking and my history. It was just fuck people and you're dating them. No, I can relate to that. But actual like dates because i never really used the apps i only use the apps like once or twice well i can relate to that which is why dating now i'm like i'm forcing myself to go on them but they're fucking miserable it feels like a

fucking shitty job to not know that there's like a vibe and a pheromone match ahead of time is that's hard yeah it's terrible yeah it's like probably I'd liken it to like performing in like a super cold room. Like the crowd is just there with their fucking arms crossed. And now you're just trying to like, you know, create some type of fucking energy between you. But I think now would be like if I was single now, I would be good at it because I think I have the courage to reject people now. Like before I really didn't like have the balls to reject people. I would literally just fuck people just like I would hate them from the second they sat down and be like, the only way I know how to get out of this is to have sex with you.

But now I think I could be like, hey, I'm just not feeling the vibe. Like, have a good night. I do that. I start like sober and then by my fifth drink, I'm like, ah, damn it. I'm going to fuck up. But that's basically why I drank. I feel like I would like drink myself into like just because I was like, oh, I don't want to fuck.

But I never, it's because I never practiced going out on dates when I was younger. Because if I liked a boy, I'd be like, my friends and I are going to this thing. Come join. It was always a group thing. Only because like I hated, I can't sustain eye contact for very long. And just being in front of a stranger is straight up like the worst thing I can do to like my senses, I think. You should go to this bar in Toronto. It's all, it's pitch black and the bar vendors are all blind.

That'd be perfect for you. That's perfect for me. You literally should go there. That's literally the ideal. You can't see them. Yeah. You're having a chat in the dark. There's no alcohol in the drink they pour next to it.

Oh, water broken glass. You're not getting what you ordered. I'll tell you that. You're not getting what you ordered. Blood everywhere. Bloodier than her hymen. I was on the road and this guy wanted to go on a broken glass. You're not getting what you ordered. I'll tell you that. You're not getting what you ordered. Blood everywhere. Bloodier than her hymen. I was on the road and this guy wanted

to go on a date with me and I brought Pavone. I brought my buddy with me. I was like, yeah, my buddy's coming with me. He's like, what? I was like, yeah. And then he ended up

Pavone got a meal and he paid for the whole thing. That's so funny. He paid for his food and drinks. I was like, and then at the end of the night he made a comment how he wants to do comedy.

He's like, yeah, I made an open mic. Wait, I just have, no. Fucking, oh no, you're not allowed to want to do comedy. It's not allowed. a comment how he wants to do comedy he's like yeah I made an open mic and I'm like wait I just have no fucking oh no you can't you're not allowed to want to do comedy

it's not allowed it's not fucking allowed and then he's like oh should I walk you guys back should I come back to your room and Pavone's like buddy you're out

hit the curb hit the bricks you ain't getting shit you said the wrong thing and I went to the bathroom and he's like so how's it going with me and Steph he's like

I'm not kidding man she's not gonna fuck you you wanna be a comedian you gotta go home like it was the best I wanna bring a buddy on every day to go on now that is so it was so funny yeah i um yeah there was a comic i like kind of dated a little bit on and off but um do we know who we yeah i can tell you later but so i um we were like vibing. I had just gone through a breakup and it was like an immediate, I remember Esther being there

and being like, whoa. Like it was just a weird, like all of a sudden, like bing, bing, bing. And I was supposed to go out to eat with my friend, Tate,

who's like this big, Tate Fletcher, he's like this big, like buff, like he's like in every, he's in the background of every movie where there's like a gang with guns and he was like in Breaking Bad and stuff. But so we were supposed to go out to dinner.

He's been my friend since I lived in Santa Fe. And. Wait, you from Santa Fe? I'm kidding. What's that? From Santa Fe. Yeah, I was like, yeah. Well, it was like a weird time.

But I'm not from there. I'm from Philly. Yeah, but you were living in Santa Fe for a long time. Oh, excuse me my phone's ringing you're from Canada sorry I can't turn it off

oh it's who was it guy it's a guy that is a bad guy it's a different guy who may or may not work at the comedy store

who I have a thing for and it's been a very long dragged out situation not a comedian I'll tell you mine and you can tell me yours later but so

okay so that night we're like vibing and it is kind of like oh fuck I really would like to be hanging out banged out situation. Not a comedian. I'll tell you mine. Not a comedian. But so, okay. So that night we're like vibing and it is kind of like, oh fuck. Like I really would like to be hanging out with him. I know I want to hang out with my friend Tate, but it's like, this would be fun. The guy somehow invites himself on the friend date. The guy I'm vibing with somehow, I don't know how it happened, but he, he comes with, so it's the three of us and we're obviously flirting right and tate and i are not on a romantic date or anything but it's like it's just like such a weird thing that happens and in the end i should never have hooked up with this guy he let tate pay for the whole thing oh he let that pay for the whole embarrassing that's embarrassing and then i did i still i

hooked up with him. There's so many manly snubs out there. I hung with him for a while. I have a question. So I have a crush on a comedian. Big crush. This just happened.

I don't know if you know, I'll say the name after. He did my podcast. You know when you meet somebody, okay, it's that thing where you meet somebody and right away you're like,

oh my God, like we vibe in a way, like riff, riff, riff, riff, like we're both like cry laughing. I'm like, this is the man I'm dating. We met in Pittsburgh. Then he did my podcast and we were like laughing so hard. And I was like, I'm like, fuck it. So we're talking about dating and he's single and I was like, riff, riff, riff, riff. We're both like cry laughing. I'm like, this is the man we met. We met in Pittsburgh. Then he did my podcast.

We were like laughing so hard. And I was like, I'm like, fuck it. So we're talking about dating. He's single. And I was like, oh, do you ever date a comedian? He's like, no. Like the hardest no. And I was like, and even my producer saw.

He's like, your soul sucked out of your eyes. Like all of a sudden I went, oh, what about an actress? Like I was like crying. But I was like, but then we've been texting nonstop. He wants to hang out. And I'm like, I'm so crazy that I'm like, I know in my head he just wants like a friend. But in my sick head, I'm like, I'll turn him. I'll show him the old toll of charm.

I'll give him a real good blowjob. He'll change his mind. I'm like, I need to stop because this guy is like, I'm never dating a comedian. I'm like, I'll change you. I'm like so crazy. I'm like, I need to stop. Yeah. I'm like, it's just sometimes you meet that person.

You're like, how does he not feel this? Yeah. And I'm like, there's no way. There's no way. And I'm like it's just sometimes you meet that person and you're like how does he not feel this yeah and I'm like there's no way there's no way and I'm like I know and then I I told my friend Jess and she's like

oh he dated somebody one of my friends she's like a Barbie though and I was like well I'm like a Bulgarian Barbie we're built differently a lot of hair a lot of fucking nose

but I'm like I just feel like I don't know in my head I'm like when you meet a guy like that immediately I'm like wouldn't you want to do this all the time

and I know guys are just like oh that's a good friend of mine but I'm like, wouldn't you want to do this all the time? And I know guys are just like, oh, that's a good friend of mine. But I'm like, why wouldn't you want to joke around with somebody all the fucking time? I know. Some of them just don't want that. Fuck. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. I know. You want some dumb bitch that's just going to fucking go on and off the whole time? Like, what are we doing here?

But I remember, okay, so the guy that got Tate to pay for the meal, we, we were like in this like flirtatious stage. Poor Tate. And we went to do a show, but Tate wasn't trying to date me. No, but poor Tate for having to fucking, you know, pay for. He's been friends with me so long. He's fucking dealt with this bullshit. He knows what it's like to hang out with me.

He knows there's going to be some other thing happening or whatever. But so, and also by the way, he used to, I used to be his waitress and he was like, it was like their little fucking sober crew would come in. I'd get no sales, no tip. I would just have to, they're so high maintenance. So fucking, this is what he gets.

And what does that mean? Step closer. Oh, sorry. You suck the dick. Suck it harder. Hit the uvula. But so we went to a show together. Because you know when you do start dating a comic,

you just start getting booked on the same shows as them. It's like that. So we're hanging out, and he was flirting with these two other girls in front of me at a comedy show. And I just came up, and I said the funniest. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I whispered something in his ear,

and I got in a laugh. So, and I just was like, they'll never do that. No, never. Never. Like I just, I was like, I know I'm the funniest person on earth. Like right now, I know I just said to you the funniest thing you could ever hear. But I think that. But that was another red flag.

Like why are you flirting with two girls in front of me? He always was doing it. He loved how anxiously attached I was. But I don't know. Maybe it's that like us women, we find funny people so attractive. I don't know if that's the other way around. Yeah. It's 100% not. I don't know if men find funny girls. I don't know if that's even part of their – I bet you it's at the bottom of the list of it.

No, we would be on the top of the world. We'd be on the top of the world if that was it. I'd be married with 19 children. Yeah, it's like we'd be everything. Yeah, I'd have a hot husband instead of my ex-boyfriend being a psycho blob. Yeah, I literally like, yeah, I don't think it is out there. Because I just left being like, because I love fucking and then immediately riffing in bed. That's my favorite thing to do. Coming and laughing like that.

The good guys love it. The good guys, they have intact egos. It's like their ego can't handle us being funny. The guys with good egos that are like, like Todd's always like, I did so many mushrooms in high school. I had like so many ego deaths so young. He doesn't like, I could say anything to him.

It doesn't matter. But it's like, I had to like, I mean, I went through hell before I met him. I mean, hell. Because they don't. They like, it's like the funnier you are,

the more they're like, I know, I'm like, sorry, I'm making you laugh so hard. That's why the, a comedian would be good. Like,

I was like, we're on the same page. I'm like, I would date a comedian. Everyone's always like, you really, I'm like, you know,

you're, you're both on the road, you know, you chose schedules perfectly. It's, there's a lot of benefits. There's a lot of benefits. You're like funny. Yeah. But I feel like for a lot of girls like nightmare oh my god it's a requirement for a guy to be funny at least for like us right but for them it's not a

requirement it's just a bonus it's just something that's like oh great like she's that too she's all of these things that i require but she's also guys like kalilah asked us earlier she's like can you date a guy if he's not funny? I was like, absolutely not. But do you think there's like a male podcast somewhere where they're like, could you date a girl if she was funny? And they're like, absolutely not. Hell no. But some guys like it.

I think the guys like we were talking about like a dumb where he's like, it's guys that like a woman who's, because it's like kind of masculine to be funny, I guess, in their heads or something. I don't know. Or to like command a room or like, yeah, I don't know. Fuck off. It's annoying. What a shame.

It is. It's like, but it's just certain. It's a shame. We've got boy chuckle fuckers too. I know. There are. I mean, I've fucked a couple fans now. One.

I have two. I had a guy quote one of my jokes while he was inside me. I like that. No, he's like, does I like that no he was like does mama like and I'm like you need to stop right now

like and then did my voice too and I was like it was not a turn on it was so disgusting he had to go deeper way deeper of course no it was really gross would you date a guy

with a very soft high pitched voice um yeah I think he was funny he had a big hawk. Honestly, I have dated the most hideous, disgusting monsters because they're funny. Like, I have dated, like, horrible people because they make me laugh. Yeah, see, that I get.

Just bad humans. Bad humans. But the thing is, those guys, once they're mean enough, they stop being funny. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think also if you get like my ex was so unfunny and like now looking back i thought he was like ew yeah well i was so like just like yeah i was like what the hell is wrong with me that's the best feeling in the world when you

wake up one morning and you're like i am so over this motherfucker oh yeah because you know you've just like you go through the grieving process and everything hurts and there's still a part of you that wants them back that feeling that first day where you're like oh i got through that i am done it's such a i just want to like i saw i was celebrate and drink and get i was at the comedy store last night and i was talking to blair sochi and she was like she was like um my ex-boyfriend was there. And she was like, is it weird to see him? And I was like, it is so weird. Like, it's not like, it's not even like shade to him.

It's like, I cannot believe who I was when I did it. Like, when I see him, I'm like, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it is not there anymore. Like, at all. Like, there is like nothing. I can't believe it when I see it. That's how I feel.

There's some, yeah, there's some like that. It was like the next day. I was like, I'll never ever. And I haven't had one thought. I was like, oh, I was like, no. And I also found out horrendous stuff about them. So I was like, oh, I'm like now physically and mentally abused. But even if you don't dislike them, because one of my best friends,

one of my best, best friends was someone that i dated 15 years ago and he's married now he has kids like i'm close to his wife um i i don't even want to think that we ever even like so much as kissed or even flirted it makes me so weird it feels like it feels weird it feels weird it feels disgusting to me if him and I, like we would never broach that topic like in a million years. It's so dead and done. And it makes me feel like so icked out of my mind. I never am like, oh, I reminisce fondly. No, no, no, no, no.

So you don't even have to hate them. They could just be someone you still like love in a different way. But you're like never the fuck again. No, I'll tell you what he did off air. And guess what? You're going to hate him. You're going to hate him bad. Tell me, tell me.

Oh, off air. Yeah, I'll tell you off air. You hate him. Everyone who met him was like, I was so creeped out. I was like happy for you because you were really happy. But I was like, he was like a little weird.

A little? Yeah. Wrapping it up. No, but yeah yeah it's weird it's like no shade to the X's but you're just like who was I that I like

yeah there's some there's some that I have fond memories of like that was a time in my life that makes sense but there's others where I'm like

the fuck was I thinking what was I was so I was like mentally unwell I was just not in tune with myself and I just yeah yeah not that you don't like I'm like oh I like parts

of this person and they're funny and they're smart and stuff but I'm like I like lived I like cooked of this person and they're funny and they're smart and stuff. But I'm like, I like lived, I like cooked for you. No, I know, right? You're like, I cried for you. I fucking did everything for you.

Yeah, it's such an insane thought for me to be like, wow, I devoted my entire being to you. Yeah, and I let them treat me in a way I would never let anyone treat me now. Like the way I am now would never. But isn't that so empowering to be like let's show us how much you're like growing and being like oh wow. No but it's like

you can't believe how much you've grown. Oh yeah. You're like oh my god. It just feels good to look back and be like yeah it's like impressive that we can be like

that's it we're done with that we've moved on. We have to wrap this up because I need to we still need to talk names. We gotta go name some names. Yeah we have some names. Steph thank you so much

for doing this. I love you. Thank you for having me this was fun. I've had so much fun we had a good week. We had a some names. Steph, thank you so much for doing this. I love you. Thank you for having me. This was fun. I've had so much fun. We had a good week. We had a good week. Watch our episode of Steph Infection 2.

I'm going to have you on Annie Wood as well. Big fan. Steph's hilarious. You had me spitting a little bit here. Good. What's your Instagram, Steph? At Steph Tolev. Follow me on that.

That's it. If you want to watch me do stupid shit. Yeah. And look. You're actually a high quality funny bitch. And also if you're a hot, young, polite, and decent boy slug

that can handle a beautiful, strong woman like Steph, hit us up maybe. That'd be nice. Just let us be funny. What's wrong with you idiots? They would be watching too.

Hit her up. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. And clean the smegma out of your skin. Yes, please, please, please. Before you send the pic. Yeah.

Thank you. Bye, guys.