Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Feel the Gush & I Am Bobby Lee w/ Jenna Jimenez

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

Thank you to our Sponsors:   BetterHelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday Liquid Death - Get free shipping on all water and merch at ht...tps://LiquidDeath.com/TRASH Magic Spoon - Go to https://magicspoon.com/TUESDAYFIVE or use our promo code TUESDAYFIVE at checkout to get $5 off your order  Apostrophe - Save $15 off your first visit at https://www.apostrophe.com/tuesday when you use our code TUESDAY Trash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Official Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: George Kimmel & Pete Forthun Editor: Gabby Galon --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message

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Starting point is 00:02:15 Hi, you guys. I am coming on the road. Get tickets at esteronice.com. I'm coming to New York, Florida. I'm coming to San Francisco, Portland.com i'm coming to new york florida i'm coming to san francisco portland you guys know where to go esther on ice.com for tickets and go to sleepover by esther.com to check out the new drop that is so cute we have now we have 100 recycled t-shirts so nobody can tell me i'm a bad person but you still can but it'll be harder hello sluggies i um am back on tour you can see me this weekend august 27th and 28th at the hartford funny bone in connecticut september 7th and 8th at the zanies in chicago cleveland ohio at hilarity september 9th through 11th the life is beautiful festival in las vegas new nevada september 18th and 19th rayleigh north car Carolina at Good Night, September 23rd through 25th.
Starting point is 00:03:06 Can't wait to see you guys. It's been absolutely amazing. All right. I missed you this episode, but I will see you on the next. And Esther does touch my vagina, so you're going to want to see that one. Kalilah has a pair of underwear that was mine well that's weird to share that why does she have your old underwear that seems weird it was a gift um two years ago on my birthday what the fuck is my tea you gifted her old underwear she gifted me her panties from when she was high school yeah are you jealous esther wait i am because i feel like i know what they are and i want them because they are they the ones with the band soft they're blue and white band here i've always wait you give me a pair like that once these were superman right oh okay and they had a hole in them like probably
Starting point is 00:03:55 where i had been scratching my vagina okay also one thing i was you know one thing i was thinking on the way over here is your Instagram handle is JennaGimenez. Did I? I really think. I don't want to flex. I think I gave you that name. And you gave me Esther Monster. I did give you Esther.
Starting point is 00:04:16 You might have given me JennaGimenez. I think I was the first person to say JennaGimenez. I want to go ahead and say you named Donut as well. I sure did. Jenna did, yeah. We were all sitting there and we're like it should be a
Starting point is 00:04:26 it should be a dessert and everyone was naming desserts and then Jenna said donut and I was like that's it also though she's the only person who's been able to submit
Starting point is 00:04:34 Julio Julio we have a weird dog named Julio oh I was just thinking of a guy in high school named Julio who once made fun of me
Starting point is 00:04:43 for wearing glitter eyeshadow and you just triggered it. So I'm just going to calm down. Did you fight back? Come on. No, but this is my moment. Julio, you were wrong. Actually, you were right.
Starting point is 00:04:51 Glitter eyeshadow is lame. No, there aren't many redeemable Julios because my dog Julio is quite the monster. Except I think Jenna broke him because you humped him back one time. Yeah, I sure did. It's like my thing. no no no no like it's a training what technique that i made up okay like tell us because the dog that's that's it like when a dog is humping you what are you julia was a troubled dog how he likes no one so show me like if i'm the dog okay like let's say, first I'm going to hump you.
Starting point is 00:05:26 Yeah, just come up, like, on my leg. That's how you hump? That is the problem. Esther? You're going to hump me, and then I go. No. No, you did not do that. Yes, I did.
Starting point is 00:05:42 No. Yes, I did. I grabbed him and went. And then it was like everything was fine. Ever since then, he's just like, what? He bends the knee when he sees her. When he said hi to me yesterday, he did a thing where he twisted his body. And he was like.
Starting point is 00:06:02 Why? He's weird. He does yoga poses. he's our neighborhood sociopath the best behaviorist in la looked me dead in the eyes and said nothing can be done what he basically said he was do you still have this dog yeah we. We love him so much. Which dog is it? He's the best. I can't. Julio. Julio. He's insane. Oh, really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Yeah. Also, if you want to know what it's like when George trains a dog, that's just how he talks to me and Annie. He's like, okay, good girl. Is it a bad girl? Don't be a bad girl. Let's not do that. Do you like money?
Starting point is 00:06:45 That's the main thing. Every time I have a complaint of any sorts, Kalilah, do you like money? I do. That's really smart. Yes, Joyce. Please, Papa. Mama.
Starting point is 00:06:57 Mama. Mama. Mama. That's the only way to get us to fall back in line very quickly. I know. That would make me fall back in line real fast so okay let's give the audience proper information jenna is you're like what like you're like about to have sex or something why how is this sex like and how you imagine her attack dave after you humped me i'm like that's how you have sex um jenna is my best friend
Starting point is 00:07:28 we went to college together it's kind of a big deal best friends so many memories it's a very big deal i think jenna is your biggest contribution to my life my wait that was a lot of smart words my biggest your biggest contribution to my life is introducing her to me. That's actually rude. I'm actually so upset. That's the sweetest thing and most compassionate kind thing anyone has ever said about me. No, that is so rude. Second to your love and presence.
Starting point is 00:08:00 It's actually the kindest thing anyone's ever said about you. Even though I get it, I'm still really offended. But yes, I do get it when someone, because Jenna won't just like take anyone on. She doesn't take new clients on often. I've been getting rid of clients actually. I remember when like five or six years ago, you're like, Esther new friends like i just can't and i was like okay good to know and she you have a big when i met you giant bank of friends i used to think like well and i understood it but you're a beloved person yeah anyone who meets you people are addicted to you yeah that's so sweet and also i would say like you're the friend i think we have this with each
Starting point is 00:08:43 other where it's like when shit like like, just tell, if there's something that you're so humiliated that you never would tell anyone, you tell me and I tell you. Yeah. It's like, I can't wait to call you and be like, I'm worthless. Yeah. If you have medical nudes, they go to Jenna first. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:00 And also, like, I had something really traumatic happen to me the past few months. And I remember telling Jenna and she was just like like okay i don't care whatever and i was like that's exactly what i wanted you to say like that's i just didn't want pity and anyways jenna's my best friend from college she's an actress she because of me knows kalilah so now they're kind of like what are you guys you guys are kind of besties she's my I think you guys are family you guys are like cousins
Starting point is 00:09:26 now for sure she's my I would say my emotional support emotional support animal it's beyond friendship
Starting point is 00:09:36 I think like I when I travel she's always next to my sister says like when are you coming no I can't
Starting point is 00:09:43 because it works go straight to Jenna if Jenna can't come it goes straight to Jenna. If Jenna can't come, I'm not going anywhere. I'm like, well, I guess that trips out of the, you know. It is true. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:58 So we met in college and we've just been in love ever since. More like trapped. But it's Stockholm syndrome-y with for all of us i think also worth noting jenna is a mexiju half mexican jimenez the instagram handle that you came up which i swear i remember hearing your last name and being like she's jewish her name was jenna jimenez i bet it was because i don't have a memory of coming up with that on my own. And I remember that I, starting in seventh grade, was called Jenna Monster because my friend's brother always called me Jenna Monster, but I was just like, you're a monster, like that fits you.
Starting point is 00:10:35 Yeah. Now, I, when I was super little, was a family friend with Mexican Jews, and then they moved away. So then when I met you, I was like, oh my God, another Mexican juice. By the only juice, do you mean horchata? Wait, I don't get it.
Starting point is 00:10:53 You mean like the Jew mix? Tamarindo? Oh, Mexican juice? Juice. It's like her funniest thing she ever said. It's the best joke I've ever come up with. Aguas frescas. This bitch.
Starting point is 00:11:09 Tyrone is so happy right now. I'm more just happy because I'm looking at how Kalilah was like, hee hee hee. I have never seen her like that. I'm uncomfortable. I'm going to tell, honestly, that was the daddiest joke I've ever told in my life. When I met Jenna, her claim to fame, which I only knew about this because our other friend Kristen was Jenna's stalker jenna stalker but this is so crazy jenna was on a reality show this is your claim to fame i never tell anyone about this and esther runs through the streets literally continue jenna
Starting point is 00:11:39 was on a fucking reality show when she was in high school called Endurance, which was originally on NBC and then went to Discovery Kids. It was a kid's – it was like Survivor for kids. And listen to this. She was on that show. She got voted back as like the audience favorite to come back for season two. So she did two seasons, and she fucking won season two. She won a reality show in high school.
Starting point is 00:12:07 How weird. It's the only thing I've ever won. Were you popular in high school because of it? I was popular in high school before it. I think that only popular girls have that much confidence that they're not popular. Because for unpopular girls, in my head, I want to believe there were moments of popularity. I'm like, yeah, I was sort of like medium. I was very popular. But. In my head, I want to believe there were moments of popularity. I'm like, yeah, I was sort of like medium. I was very popular. But it's more than that.
Starting point is 00:12:29 I was very confident. So like even if I was unpopular, it didn't register. Because I did it in my second year of high school. And I remember I didn't tell anyone where I was, what I was doing. It was over the summer. Because I don't know. I guess I just thought it was loser or something. Like the show I thought was loser,
Starting point is 00:12:48 but the experience I thought was dope. Yeah. The people I met, the things that we – look at her face of disgust just thinking of like being on an island. No, I'm like this is so cool you never talk about it. So I didn't tell anyone. I'm also thinking about how the show had subtitles for you. Don't even.
Starting point is 00:13:06 Okay, we're going to get to that. So, because you were. Just wait. Brown? Basically. Here's a blurb I'd like to read for our audience from Jenna Jimenez's endurance page. I like to be playful and I like to have a good time. And other people, they tend to be too serious.
Starting point is 00:13:28 Jenna, in her introduction in Right to Stay. This is horrific. Oh, my God. You look so cute, though. With an actual dog collar on. Yes, wearing a dog collar. Not like a cool kinky dog collar, but one from Petco. And then that jacket that i was wearing was my father's from the 70s like super small short oh man your mom was so good at saving things
Starting point is 00:13:54 i'm so jealous real good at saving things a little too good a little too good there's a childhood my whole museum there's my whole childhood is like a museum at our house i need to visit it and make purchases. You really should. Are there things for sale? Oh, and then the subtitles. What are they? Subtitles?
Starting point is 00:14:11 I spoke very differently as a kid and teenager because I grew up in Chicago. Was it with a black scent? I want to say that it was, unfortunately. A black scent? Mixed with maybe a little like Latin slang, the way my brother spoke, because my brother still speaks like that, but he doesn't hear it. Which makes sense. Like I grew up in a household with my mom speaking like, ma, yeah, hello. And then my brother being like, nah, man, like it's not like that, you know. And then my dad like, mija, did you come over here? Did you get
Starting point is 00:14:41 the Burger King? I'm like, a hamburger? So it's like, nothing at home made sense. So when all my friends at school spoke a certain way, and I spent most of my time with them, that's how I... Speak like your peer. from my high school when I first came here. My final phase was talking like a white girl. And that did not, that was the worst part was because there was no white people in my school. But I tried to like mimic my school team. Yeah, the club team that I went to, like all kids from like San Marino, La Crescenta. So I would try to mimic them.
Starting point is 00:15:19 It was really, really, really a tragic time for me in high school. Cause you seem sick for having to like go through six different accents trying to like find who you are. Kalilah, can you please read that? I can't read that. Jenna is into hip hop, drama, Irish dancing and swimming. She has a wall in her bedroom covered with graffiti
Starting point is 00:15:41 because she believes that anyone who enters her room should speak their mind freely and write down their thoughts that was another thing i couldn't believe she really had that and i still like that i grew up like you cannot if you're if there is a fingerprint on these white walls you are in so much fucking trouble get your hand off the wall get your did you touch the mirror and then i walk into her house and there's just drawing everywhere like I couldn't believe it there was like a dick on the wall tits like coming down the f word of course um everywhere because at the age of like nine I was like mom I feel that everyone who enters my room should be able to speak their mind. And she was like, yeah, they can speak their mind. And I was like, but they should feel like they can really speak their mind.
Starting point is 00:16:31 So I'm going to start letting people speak their mind onto my walls. And I imagine in her head she was like, Lord, fuck me in the ass with no condom. But out loud what came out, she was like, okay, if that's what you what you feel okay and then she just let it be wow my your mom to be fair is one of the nicest ladies that my mom would have chopped off my entire forearms before i could even pick up just your forearms and then attach your hand to your elbows he's like try try swimming now, bitch. I was really lucky with my mom. Yeah, but remember your mom's reaction to your tattoos, your piercings?
Starting point is 00:17:13 Yeah, so this is like what was asked backwards. Everything was like, do whatever you want. You should be having sex. You should be orgasming. Blah, blah, blah. Speak your mind. Be free. My family said that to me. That's a different kind of trauma, I think.
Starting point is 00:17:24 It is. I mean, that's why I didn't have sex until I was 19 because I was like, no, never. No, never. Because you're associating it now with something that your mom is into. Yeah, and I'm like, that's not cool. That your mom wants you to do. Yeah, I'm like, I'm never doing that loser shit. Yeah, it's like the more you want your kid
Starting point is 00:17:39 to do it, the more you forbid them. She was like, you should have a mirror and you should be knowing what your vagina looks like. I'm like, what? Is something preventing either of you guys from achieving your goals or interfering with your happiness?
Starting point is 00:17:58 All day, every day. Like, truly same. Truly. You need to check out betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. Listen, you guys, we all out betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. Listen, you guys, we all use BetterHelp. In fact, to be in our friend group, it's a requirement at this point. Oh, yeah. Don't call me if you haven't already used BetterHelp because I don't want to hear it,
Starting point is 00:18:16 quite frankly. Correct. There are professionals who can actually help you with your real life stuff. And they can help you better with BetterHelp. Yes. It's an unbiased person able to give you professional advice. And you connect in a safe and private online environment. It's so convenient and you can start communicating with someone in under 48 hours. Trust me when I say this, everyone needs therapy. Everyone needs help. No one is immune to this. We all need help
Starting point is 00:18:41 and BetterHelp is such a way that has made it so much more convenient for me to communicate with a therapist online. I'm not sitting in a waiting room. I'm not dealing with parking or traffic. Like it's all there safe from home. It's so damn convenient. And I love that I can send a message to my counselor anytime I want to. Whether it's depression, stress, anxiety, family conflicts, grief, self-esteem, they have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in this. Anything you share is confidential.
Starting point is 00:19:07 It's convenient, professional, and affordable. It's not a crisis line. That's what our friend group calls Jenna for. Yeah. That's something else. We want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com
Starting point is 00:19:24 slash trash Tuesday. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash trash Tuesday. All right, you guys, there's a new water brand at the stores. You know, you've seen it. You've seen it at Whole Foods. You've seen it at 7-Eleven. You've seen it on my freaking TikTok. And on Jenna's chest. And literally, I just sent my parents a case of it. And they're like, oh, we're going to serve it to the neighbors when they come over tonight. I'm like, my parents are going to be so badass.
Starting point is 00:19:59 The coolest people in Skokie. Liquid death. Liquid death is the, like, I just don't know why it makes me happy. It also tastes very good. I crack open a can. I feel like I'm so cool. I feel like I'm riding high, but the secret is it's literally water. I'm literally opening a can of water. I'm not that cool, but I get to feel cool. And their sparkling water is so sparkly. It like attacks my face. It's like gives me all the tingles that I'm looking for.
Starting point is 00:20:32 And why is it called Liquid Death Ester? Because death to plastic, bitch. Okay? We have aluminum cans, so you don't have to worry about it sitting and rotting in its plastic. You don't have to feel guilty like you're bad for the environment. Dude, this is the way to just have it grab and go i put a case of them in my trunk in the trunk of my car so i i'm always know that okay there's a case of water in there i'm good and it's not like plastic where it'll melt and get disgusting i also feel like this is your dream come true
Starting point is 00:20:57 because you've always wanted to remain sober while looking like a drunk person that's right and as you hear a story i told on this episode, you'll hear why. It was very traumatizing when a guy ditched me because I was sober. This could have solved that problem. You guys can get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com slash trash. That's liquiddeath.com slash trash. And that's a huge deal because honestly, it's not cheap to ship. This is really heavy. And they're covering the cost it's literally free shipping at liquid death.com
Starting point is 00:21:31 slash trash or go grab some at whole foods or 7-eleven you know you know you see it you know you want to be cool wait what do you have and donut donut is like definitely thing. Oh, it's a mystery box. Oh, what's in the box? What's in the fucking box? So Jenna's gonna have the box on her lap and put her hand in the box and say, guess what's in there? Does donut get a try? Has a hole in it.
Starting point is 00:21:56 What? Ew! It fell, it fell. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, get my dog away from it, ew, ew, she's gonna eat it. This is literally an attack on me because you guys know i have a story about this food that made me cry in vegas it's pulpo it's octopus leg i know it should make me cry because i don't eat octopus because they're sentient beings all right my oh, is this so that other people could see?
Starting point is 00:22:25 Got it. I wanted to avoid hitting the microphone. It's so weird the way that this show, it's like every week they present me with something I'm scared of. The audience hates me more. I think that's an attack for me. I think when you're scared of everything, it's kind of hard not to present anything. If you put a double cheeseburger, I will not be scared. Oops. Thank you, P. Thank you. Oh, my God. if you put a double cheeseburger I will not be scared oops thank you P thank you
Starting point is 00:22:48 um this is un camarón oh one handed bitch you good thank you I feel like it feels the same if I like put my pussy in there and you were just like un camarón
Starting point is 00:23:04 if you honestly put one pussy in there and you were just like, un camarón. If you honestly put one of your pussies in the box, I would have had the same answer. Un camarón. I'm not feeling well today. What's new? I have a doctor's note. What's new?
Starting point is 00:23:23 I have the Delta variant. You are the Delta variant. You are the Delta variant. Your patient's zero estrogen. No, why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? I don't know. It looks funny to me. Why is it funny?
Starting point is 00:23:39 Why is it funny? Why is it funny? Just stick your hand in bitch and you'll figure out. Because I don't want to touch a prawn. It's not a prawn. For someone who's very willing to fist my asshole, you should be very good at this game, Esther. Like you're such a dirty bitch. You should be able to touch it.
Starting point is 00:23:56 It's nothing worse than any amount of time that you haven't showered. No, that is so. It's just like I moved out. I like left my parents house to move to la if you want to tell your story about how you met me or whatever no just touch it it's just like why did i come here to do stand-up comedy and now i'm like having people egg me on to put my hand in a box that i don't know what's in it it's just like stand-up comedy is the hardest thing anybody can do and you won't put your hand in a box? This is it.
Starting point is 00:24:28 Just put your hand in a box. No, no, no. We're going to get... I choose the next one. Esther gets to go twice. No, no. Yeah, just put your hand. Esther, it's fine.
Starting point is 00:24:43 Look where she's putting her hand. She's going to be like, air, there's nothing. Now. That's weird. Mine must have jumped out. Just smash it. Smash it in there. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:52 It's not alive, right? Be brave, little one. I mean, Esther, look at me. It's fine. Make a wish for each sad little tear. No, you're not going to be mad. You're going to be like, oh, I'm a dumb bitch. It's not alive, right? It's a dumb bitch. It's not alive, right?
Starting point is 00:25:06 It's a living thing. It's not alive, though, anymore. It's a living organism. What do you mean? Esther, you got to get to it. Think about what a living organ... What's a living thing? What makes a living thing?
Starting point is 00:25:18 Eyes. An eyeball. Okay, I'm going to do what the TSA does, like around my around my special parts i'm gonna go back on my hand this is how they deal with special parts of the tsa they do the back of the hand to my breast yeah it's very impersonal get very like okay smash it down some more is it really from sugarfish it feels like sugarfish here it feels like sushi what's your final answer esther turn your hand downward your palms are where your nerves are at how are you going to identify an object when your nerves have not touched it yeah what would a nurse do esther a nurse would get in the car and drive straight to the hospital and help out get to know what an actual hemorrhoid feels like i really do not like what think about
Starting point is 00:26:07 you're a nurse you're putting a suppository you i don't you're making donut nervous it feels like it has skin ester you're making donut nervous it has it definitely has skin it definitely has it definitely has a skin it definitely has a thousand percent. Kalilah, you got so much joy out of saying that. Just the way she's tapping it. She said, it definitely has skin. Okay, I totally touched it. I want you to just put it, yeah. Put it in your hand.
Starting point is 00:26:35 Why would I do? Because you're a nurse. Nurse Esther, what would Nurse Esther do? Ah! Oh my God, I squeezed it and I thought it was going to like, you know, just my fingers would sink into it. So what's your guess? I don't know what it is. Have a guess.
Starting point is 00:26:51 Is it a bouncy ball? Sushi. It's a sushi. A sushi type. Sushi meat. Is it a tuna sushi? What is it it Pete? Pickled plum
Starting point is 00:27:06 Yeah I told you I thought I gave it away with hemorrhoid Esther I gave you my eyes And my trust and you didn't take it Yeah but that could have meant like Yeah it's a scary thing but you'll live No I said
Starting point is 00:27:24 Esther I gave you a layup asking if it has skin meant like, yeah, it's a scary thing, but you'll live. No, I said Esther. That's so unfair. I gave you a layup asking if it has skin. It's a living thing. Plants, animals are living things. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've just been humiliated.
Starting point is 00:27:36 The fact that she said eyes. Sorry. All right, Jenna is up next. Don't look at it like that. What jenna you would love this no no jenna i know for a fact that jenna listen all i'm saying is i don't fuck around no no no no jenna you'd like this you just gotta go just don't kill it Don't fuck around. No, no, no, no, no, no. Jenna, you'd like this. You just gotta go.
Starting point is 00:28:03 But just don't kill it. So gentle. Yeah, no. This is actually unacceptable. Like, I will walk. If it's a cockroach? No, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:28:12 I would never do that to you. I wouldn't be in this room if it was a fucking cockroach. George, if you bought a fucking cockroach for me? A worm. Yes. Jenna loves earthworms.
Starting point is 00:28:22 You like it? I like it. She loves them. How did you get those? I know that if you had accidentally killed one, it would have ruined your whole day. My heart is still racing from the plums. I am like, I need a break. I need a break.
Starting point is 00:28:39 What kind of banana or a plum break? We need a banana break this early? This is the earliest banana break? This is like not what I signed up for. I am really just, I need to lie down. Oh, you're winded? Yeah. I can tell you're like lightheaded.
Starting point is 00:28:56 I don't feel well. Is it my turn? No, we'll do it. We're doing Esther again. Oh, okay. Yeah. Just go straight for it. Be fast, you know.
Starting point is 00:29:03 Why? You can deduce what it is if you ask me three good questions. Is it okay, yeah. Just go straight for it. Be fast, you know. Why? You can deduce what it is if you ask me three good questions. Is it alive? No. No. Was it ever alive?
Starting point is 00:29:12 Possibly from a living thing, yes. Esther, look at me in my eyes. This is the second time I'm going to do it. It's okay. What's your third question? have would a vegan eat it no okay that makes things different because a vegan would eat the last one and if i knew that i would go in with my mouth you would go in with your mouth but this is something that a vegan
Starting point is 00:29:41 wouldn't eat but it was maybe alive before. I mean. Sourced from living things. Yes. Sourced. Sourced. So is it honey? Esther, three questions. Earth means three questions.
Starting point is 00:29:54 Oh, she is mean. Just dig your hand in. You're going to be fine. Really? Let's move on. Yes. Esther, you're touching the plate. No, I'm not.
Starting point is 00:30:03 You are. She's doing this to the plate. She's touching the plate and her eyes were like. It feels almost like mochi. Stick a nail into it. Yeah, stick a nail into it. That's mean.
Starting point is 00:30:12 The way you say it with a big smile. Like you're just so happy. I just want to eat. Well, Donut likes it. It feels like a mochi. It feels like a dessert. Classic.
Starting point is 00:30:22 A classic. Go for classics. A ho-ho? That's the name of our show. It's definitely like squishy. And look, if it's a sea creature, I'm going to be upset. If it's not, I'm okay. It is very similar to a sea creature.
Starting point is 00:30:37 Similar. I think it's a mochi dessert. Okay. Good guess. All right. Final answer. Good guess. That is a Twinkie.
Starting point is 00:30:44 Twinkie. Are you serious? You know what? This is this is crazy wow you're a dumb bitch yeah yeah and if i had put my wow do you guys know that when i went when my great-grand was still alive we had to leave twinkies on the counter for her to eat in the middle of the night what it's because her sugar would drop i don't know i think it's because she got hungry and she didn't have her teeth in it is an easy um gum i can't believe it was a twinkie i and i got and you guys got me twice in a row you got yourself your line of questioning is was almost perfect yeah here's the thing it's like i would expect that if it was a scary thing like octopus and i would be like really like that but because i didn't know what it is i still feel that crazy fear that like i still feel like your body in fight or flight yes
Starting point is 00:31:31 it is it is show me your armpits are you sweating no i'm not i'm not like you nothing has happened jenna put your hand under my armpits now nothing has happened right nothing has happened to me but please just touch what what esther you want to put your fingers in my armpit it's like i just shoved oh yeah i do that'll do here you want to try my right armpit just get in there fully it looks like vagina discharge it's so wet it's so wet i feel like mine is really wet right now too like underneath no not as wet as you yeah i you're like dripping wet sopping wet sopping yeah also my hands and feet that's like my favorite thing about her when your feet drip i'm like when i my feet are
Starting point is 00:32:20 dripping i send pictures to jenna does that make you a healthier person because like sweating is good for you? It makes my hands and feet look really young. So yes, should I have an OnlyFans of just my young feet? Yes. I want to start an OnlyFans or something with my feet because the amount of people I get asking me. Here's what I think you should do. The pictures of my feet. I think you should Irish dance on top of some cake.
Starting point is 00:32:42 We do like a focus right on your feet that'll i have my hard shoes still and my dress well let's take the shoes off because i don't think you'll get a lot of bucks for that yeah but you do have very pretty feet i think that my hands stay very um soft in between the sweat sessions because of the sweat but yeah like people do not believe how what an anxious fight or flighty person i am until they get close but you're not anxious in fight or flight now i am i always am yes she is the cameras are on i'm always dying i'm always dying on the inside but i've i've made it my life's mission to not show make it obvious to someone. Are you just learning this? I guess.
Starting point is 00:33:27 I always thought that your sweatiness hadn't, I didn't think that it had something to do with how you actually felt. I thought it was just like some people sweat more. She's always on the verge of a panic attack. Yeah, Esther. One time I called Jenna from a Gelson's produce aisle, and I called her crying, and I was like, I have this fear that I'm going to forget who I am. Like I thought I was going to enter a food state. She goes, and I don't crying and I was like I have this fear that I'm gonna forget who I am
Starting point is 00:33:45 like I thought I was gonna enter a food state she goes and I don't remember anyone else's name but yours and I was like and she had to pick me up and I was frozen she dropped all her groceries I dropped everything I had in my cart and I was she picked me up and I was like a statue just wheeled her out it's so weird because you i feel like you know like the low kalilah low status kalilah and i only know high status yeah like to me kalilah is like such a boss bitch like but that's part of the boss bitchness because it's like imagine feeling like that and still doing stuff yeah yeah literally you want to talk about fear? I'm afraid of breathing. Like at night, I call Jenna in a panic.
Starting point is 00:34:31 Like, I don't know why I keep holding my breath for no reason. Like if someone says, relax, breathe, focus on your breath, it throws me into a bigger panic. Oh, that's true. And I told you that the other day. I used to be like that with Jenna too until I started my Lexapro. It's true. Shout out Lexapro. It really does wonders.
Starting point is 00:34:47 That is so true. It was just a mere year ago that you were still a nightmare. I might be joining you soon. Really? I might be hopping back on the men's thing. This bitch has changed. I tell people how different you are. I don't like to say better because it's like no yeah you're better but like you were just
Starting point is 00:35:06 i don't want to say unbearable either but like obviously i was very very close with you and i loved you still the same because in my mind i'm like oh that's just Esther there's no yeah there's no other Esther but now that I see you I'm like she's alive yeah I was just so I had my anxiety like ruled everything right and I didn't know that it was like really your anxiety but when I look because that's all I knew but when I look back and I'm like oh you were constantly scared what were you most scared of what is the one thing you feel like you fixated on? Well, I was also, keep in mind, like I was a hypochondriac, which you know because I've texted both of you about like ailments I think I had.
Starting point is 00:35:53 The amount of times she had me come over and like check on things or smell things in her house or like get a second opinion just for me. And now it's like you live my like old life you're like like this is how my life was before remember when you used to be like how do you just do that how can you just pick up and go on a trip like yeah i mean have you been on a trip since you started lexapro outside of the country uh not outside. Oh, well, I went to Montreal, but that was for work. Do I get three questions? What is that?
Starting point is 00:36:29 But I don't know what it is. I am a super smeller. I should just. I don't know what it is. Do you? Tia? It smells like a food of sorts. It looks like a food.
Starting point is 00:36:39 Okay. Well, I know for sure it's not a living thing because I smell like a stale food. So. Can you twist it toward me and show me? Yeah. I think it's something that I know. Yes, I know. It is?
Starting point is 00:36:52 Mm-hmm. Will you mouth it to me? It actually feels like a sea cucumber. Look at her face. I'm going to go ahead. Hold on. It's either, it could be a cow tongue ooh
Starting point is 00:37:07 if that's a no cow tongue's flatter than this it is wait oh hold on it has roots ew ew ew ew ew she's pulling a string out of it
Starting point is 00:37:19 ew ew ew it's not a string it's attached to it it's one of a fiber I don't think it's a sea cucumber because I think it's a wet vegetable of sorts. It smells like that. But I can't think of another vegetable.
Starting point is 00:37:32 So I'm just going to go ahead and say sea cucumber. What does it mean? Wait, wait. It's a big bowl of radish. Isn't it like in the futamaki or whatever it's called? Oh, yeah. You're right. Isn't that what it is? Because I remember growing up, my mom used to be like, futamaki or whatever it's called. Oh, yeah. You're right. Isn't that what it is?
Starting point is 00:37:46 Because I remember growing up, my mom used to be like, futamaki. God damn it. Because she would go to the. Can I just say, because when I was scared, you guys were like, if you are a nurse, you would do it. A nurse knows what they're touching when their eyes are open. First off, I didn't say that. I just want to say I still qualify to be a nurse. What?
Starting point is 00:38:04 Should we give Esther one more to prefer nurse them? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, we're done. We're done. We're done with this game. We're done. No, we're done with the game. No, I'm not a nurse.
Starting point is 00:38:15 Okay. I'm not a nurse. Please, we're done. Why did we stop eating cereal as adults? Dude, because it's bad for you and it's like full of sugar. It was the happiest though. I know. Dude, that is why Magic Spoon is my favorite thing ever to be invented.
Starting point is 00:38:33 It's so delicious and I can just shove a bowl down and not feel bad at all because it's filled with protein and it's like it's good for you. Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four net grams of carbs in each serving only 140 calories a serving it's keto friendly gluten free grain free soy free low carb and gmo free oh my god i forgot they sent i just got the new the two new flavors they brought back the cookies and cream and the maple waffle syrup or something it's so good it's so breakfasty and like sweet and indulgent but there's no guilt about it i want you need it yeah you need it come over i'll give you a box we have it yeah i want it now so flavors include cocoa fruity frosted peanut butter blueberry cinnamon and what esther mentioned cookies and cream and maple waffle subscribe
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Starting point is 00:40:03 guilt free cereal on the regular at Magic Spoon.com slash Tuesday five and use the code Tuesday five to save big. Thank you so much, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. We love you. Thank you. I'm having you for dinner tonight. It's really hard to navigate skincare products and to know when there's so many options out there, which one is right for you, what ingredients are best for you. And, you know, are you going to spend all this money on like random marketing? Is it going to work? Yeah.
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Starting point is 00:42:43 close relations separate and then we're like i don't know what we are but i'm in love with you i'm in love with you too but like it's we've never all no that's so true it's interesting that kalilah's turned very mean when we're all together she's like let me see what happens touch it put your nail in it but this is so much fun like it is fun i know this is great it's fun it's like it's almost like i can feel a closeness with kalilah that we both know so much about you i know i feel like you too like there might not be anyone else aside from sosi and you know stuff from like even before i moved here yeah but it's weird that people you love, I love. Hmm. It's, it, I don't know if there's.
Starting point is 00:43:27 Because they're all so different. They are all so different. But they're, but I love them all. Like I adore Soce. Yeah, I really like Soce too. So it's like there haven't really met anyone through you. And again, you, you gave me one of the biggest contributions in my life because she gave me one of the contributions of my life, which is Shandy.
Starting point is 00:43:48 Oh, yeah. One of my other really, really close girlfriends I met through her. Oh, I don't know her well at all. I'm from Chicago, too. Chicago, yeah. I love – that's like one of my warm spots, like sharing my friends. It's always my goal to like push them on each other or like when i left chicago i would give friends there who i knew would get along super close friends each other's
Starting point is 00:44:13 numbers and be like hey well i'm not there how about when i left and then you took over my babysitting job and now like we both have such a good relationship with that family oh my god like that's so special to me i feel like you left a trail for me but i just followed you go do this go do this wait also klyla i want to tell you this because i feel like you'll really understand you'll be like the one person that gets it the moment that i knew i was full okay donut is eating your brain through your nose um the moment that i knew jenna was like so special and i need to be your friend forever is very strange but like we were we used to we used to take this class fission 101 food science and health what's it called fission fshn food science oh i thought you meant nutrition yeah
Starting point is 00:44:59 uh-huh and so it was like a big lecture hall at University of Illinois, like just, you know, huge, whatever. And for some reason, every class, me and Jenna and our third friend, Kristen, would sit in the front row. Our third friend. Like that's the only one we had. Our third friend. And like, so we would always sit in the front row. And like, keep in mind, like the first 10 rows are empty. Nobody is, like everyone is way back.
Starting point is 00:45:23 And so we'd always sit there. Everyone's like asleep and high yeah and we were so into this class and one day jenna had like brought a snack with her and i was like oh my god like that looks so good can i have some and she's like i can't even this is what she says to me i can't even believe you would dare ask me, knowing what a busy day I have, that you would dare ask me for a bite of my food. I can't believe that I ever said that because I'm so generous. But I also know that Esther was probably always pushing it. And I knew that she would be like, I'll finish it.
Starting point is 00:45:59 No. Like, I'll just eat it. But then I was like, oh, my God. Like, something just came over me where I was like, she just like so aggressively told me that she's not sharing with me. I'm like, I'm like, I'm in. Like, I love this. You love the vibe of the kid who offers the chips but crunches the bottom seed.
Starting point is 00:46:16 You can't get that much. You can only really get like one or two chips max. That's the vibe she gave off. It was just like, oh, I want to be like that too i want to tell people fuck no you can't have a fry because the thing is is that that's how you really felt all the time yeah no you cannot have a fry but would die being like okay yeah but i would also say like i was sharing all the time yeah you are a are a sharer now, but that was a very – But if it's like this is what I packed and I have six hours at the library right now
Starting point is 00:46:49 and $11 in my bank account, you are not getting this. Yeah, she was counting her macros on a budget. That's something. Also, I feel like an experience that we had in college is sort of like why I felt like I had to make my stand-up special the way that I made it was because I have – it's like stand-up intercut with like scenes with my parents. Oh, this is true. And that is kind of because the first time you met my parents, what you said to me, I was like – I don't know.
Starting point is 00:47:13 Will you tell Kalilah? Yeah. So basically I had never met Esther's parents, but I always – Because we were in college. Right. We were in college, which the way we met is like this whole other story. But we're in college and Esther probably convinced me to drive her home this weekend. And I'm going to her childhood home. I'm meeting her parents.
Starting point is 00:47:38 I'm like, this is going to be so cool. We're in her house. And immediately I'm like like something is not right like well I can't put my finger on it but what's wrong with this household and not like they were mean or rude but it was just like so peculiar in a way that I was like, okay, let me just like keep observing and try and figure out like how I fit in here. And then we get into the van, right? It was a van. And we head to somewhere in Evanston to go eat. Her mom and dad are just going back and forth and talking. About like what they're going to order for dinner or something.
Starting point is 00:48:20 And like asking Esther, but also being kind of aggressive about it. And I was, I remember having this moment and like looking out the window and being like, I get it. I get why you are the way you are
Starting point is 00:48:35 and why it makes no sense because they make no sense. But are all like, how someone can be so particular, but also there's like no sense behind it. it is weird about you because i feel like there are certain things that you're very particular like she said particular about but you also live with a lot more abandoned yeah um than it's the lexapro no but even before
Starting point is 00:49:00 that um yeah so it's sort it's a weird mix. You're very similar to Bobby in that way. Yeah. I think that I'm Bobby. I think you are. I'm not as talented, but I fucking identify with him. Imagine if that's in the future. It's just something that you can do. It's just I identify as Bobby Lee.
Starting point is 00:49:23 And then no one can take that away from you yeah i am bobby lee like for sure i think so i think he's his own because he's his own species yeah yeah i think he's there he always says there are 12 human prototypes he's one and you know we know, we fall under each one of those 12 prototypes. You fall under the B. Lee. The Bobby Lee. Yeah. The Bobby Lee. Made in the 1940s. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:52 Not the most efficient for modern day, but beloved and held in high regard as a vintage piece. Disgusting and dirty. Hygiene questionable. Needs refurbishing for sure you know what's crazy though too is that i never really thought you were odd until i met your parents because then i saw it on someone else and i was like oh it all makes sense like i don't remember why are you confused i'm just listening like i don't remember thinking that you were like weird because you were you're weird well i was weird i don't feel like i'm weird anymore well you can just be not weird anymore just because you like live in
Starting point is 00:50:41 la and everyone's weird yeah like i don't do things like dry shave in public places anymore yeah but that's like not that's just like an example that's not the actual weirdness that it's like the weirdness is underneath that that's just like a behavior of how it manifests got it got it you're still so weird right oh yeah what oh yeah I I but I I think that's I'm not offended i'm just like that's not how i would not to say that i have a criteria for friends but the weirder the better for me i'm a voyeur i like watching weird people do yeah i have that too and i love it's actually really fucked up it's a fucked up quality because i feel like my friend like my sane friends are always like you just need to like start watching TV shows so you can stop hanging out with the insane people. Like just watch it on a show.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Like, yeah, you don't need to live it. Yeah. You're not that, like you're just weird in like a fun way, not in a like toxic. Yeah, you're the weirdest, you're the weirdest sober person I know. Like I've never seen someone look so high at a club I've never seen someone look so high on PCP while not being on PCP
Starting point is 00:51:52 you know what I mean? I don't know what to say I'm like oh she's making out with an inanimate object but she's sober I promise you guys she's sober people were always like no I've seen you drunk and i'm like people i've been friends with for like 20 years oh my wait should we banana break yes let's banana break do i get a banana yeah yeah do you you weren't with me but it was at that frat party
Starting point is 00:52:21 remember the one frat house that i would go to all the time that we have a picture at yeah it was all the ugly guys also in college every guy liked jenna of course they still do uh and i was just acting like how we act you know like just being really silly crazy running around like dancing like obnoxious doing weird shit and this whole night this one guy was talking to me the whole night and then one of my girlfriends who like lived in my building with me was there too and she goes she's laughing she's like esther this is what i love about you you act like this and you are dead sober and the guy who i've been flirting with all night like having so much fun with he just looks at me he's like you're sober i'm like yeah and he literally walked out of the room and didn't talk to me the rest of the night it was so traumatizing because he was so
Starting point is 00:53:08 embarrassed because he had been so fucked up that he was like oh shit no or was he like gonna rape me like yeah it's like i have no interest in this person i cannot take advantage of yeah because she has a clearer mind than me in this moment i thought she was gonna how fucked up is that no you remember no guys liked me in college i liked you that was all i needed didn't know guys like you oh this is sad i didn't feel like that that's sad that's like when the mom is like oh i think guys like oh there was the one oh Oh, no, not him. Oh, the one time at the... Oh, that was Lena. Well, wait, I'll whisper her name.
Starting point is 00:53:51 Because our friend group definitely loves bringing this name up, but I don't know if you know it. Do I remember? Then you don't. Was he the frat boy? There was one frat guy that I kind of had a thing with. Oh, that was his name? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:08 But then one time, his mom sent him puppy chow. You know that snack that moms make? Wait, like Chex Mix? Yeah, it's for people, but it's called puppy chow. And it's like, I don't know, marshmallows and Chex Mix and chocolate, powdered sugar. And we were sitting on his bed and like he was like sharing with me and then he was like, I think you had too much of it. And he like took it away from me.
Starting point is 00:54:36 Did you fart or something? What? Did you fart? No, I think he just like wanted to keep it for himself. And I was eating too much of it. Rude. That would be really funny if it was real puppy chow. And I was eating dog food.
Starting point is 00:54:47 Because you were once a dog. Jacob the dog. Jacob. Jacob. That's so cute. One of the most humiliating times I've ever hooked up with a guy at UNLV.
Starting point is 00:54:57 He played baseball. It was the night after. Thankfully, we never had sex. But, you know, we had a whole lot of smooching. Smooching was the best. Smooching. And granted, we were both like pretty drunk.
Starting point is 00:55:12 But the amount of times he asked me what my name was, the morning after, really broke my heart. And I know I have a difficult name to remember. But he was like, wait, what's your name again? Malaysia? And I'm like, oh, close enough. enough close enough thank you so much for remember remembering because he was so cute yeah he had like 18 different variations of my name and i remember as soon as he left the door like i cried really yeah? What did you feel? I just felt like that was the least he could have done is commit my name to memory. Yeah. Because then it just felt like, wow, he really does not remember what we did, is not interested
Starting point is 00:55:58 in me in any way. He just wanted like a blind blackout hookup. Ew. And that's why I was like, man. And then the fact that he kept asking your name, it's like, if you don't remember it,
Starting point is 00:56:08 just don't ask. Just let, yeah, just drop it. Yeah, and then my friend was like, maybe he has a learning disability. I was like,
Starting point is 00:56:14 I'll take that. That's what I'll move forward with. He's stupid. Yes, that's right. Remember your boobs were bigger in college? They were huge.
Starting point is 00:56:22 And actually, just a couple weeks ago, they were huge because I was bleeding. But I had a 34DD in college d and like my breasts came up to my collarbone yeah it was crazy yeah it was crazy you remember you had huge tits that was really fun they were huge esther would constantly just walk up to me and pull my shirt down and like touch them or look at them no listener of this show is surprised to hear that estersterista moves. I said the most Esterista moves. Oh.
Starting point is 00:56:48 Huh? All right, do we want to do the lie detector? You can't handle the truth. In regards to lie detectors, I think I could be the most innocent person on earth and fail every single lie detector just based on my armpit sweat alone. Yeah, for sure. And my heart rate always being high. i totally think that you're right like i would have to knock myself out with fentanyl before i would pass any lie detector so okay go ahead i've all you know what's interesting on the reverse of that i've always felt like oh a lie detector that must be so easy to to
Starting point is 00:57:21 to like to fake and now that it's here, I literally, my heart is pounding. Like the fact that we're talking about it. Oh my god. It's a kid's toy? It's already short-circuited because my palms are sopping wet. So you guys can either ask your own questions. We have some sample questions if you want to go off our list or choose your own. Are you
Starting point is 00:57:40 attracted to Bobby? Yes. How do we find out? Yay! Pussy wet. Even when you ask that question. I know you are too. I love little mustached Asian man. That's my vibe. She's so attracted to him.
Starting point is 00:57:55 But to be still attracted is weird. That's a good point. Esther loses attraction after like 14 hours though. Are you attracted to me? No. That's not a real question. That was just a joke one. Well, it's your fucking fault.
Starting point is 00:58:13 No. Yay! All right. Ready. This feels like a shark. Are you allergic to gluten? No. Are you sensitive to gluten? No. Are you sensitive to gluten?
Starting point is 00:58:26 Yes. Ow! What did it do? Wait, did you lie? I said no, I'm not allergic to it, but I am sensitive to it. I fucked it up. I fucked it up. One of those was wrong, obviously.
Starting point is 00:58:39 Okay, next question. Oh, my God. Okay, this one's a, yeah, I'm going to pull one of these. This is scary. Okay, quick. I'm scared. Have you ever not changed your underwear for longer than two days?
Starting point is 00:58:53 No. I hope it says you're lying. Ow! Why does he keep doing this? Is it my rings? It's shocking me. You're a liar Jenna do you know how afraid I am
Starting point is 00:59:07 of wearing dirty underwear I know that that's a fucked up thing because Jenna I'm paranoid is probably she probably scrubs it with a Brillo pad that's how paranoid she is can we ask
Starting point is 00:59:18 can we ask again I'm going to take my ring off and the question which confused me I would not have known how to answer it I'm afraid of this thing. Do you like Bobby for me? Yes. Wow.
Starting point is 00:59:32 Jenna, why? I'm telling the truth. I don't know what to say. This machine doesn't like me. I'm telling Bobby. But like. Pass it to Esther. No, wait.
Starting point is 00:59:43 Can we see if this is ever going to say no? I'm done with that. That's actually a good question. Because I've like never thought of you with anyone but Bobby. And when people ask me about you with Bobby, I'm like, there's no one else. And I do believe you. There's no one else for that. For the record.
Starting point is 00:59:57 Hi, little baby. Are you obsessed with Dodie? Yes. I'm so scared right now. It's going to shock me. Yeah. Isn't isn't it? Let's get it off. That is like a
Starting point is 01:00:10 taser. It is. That is so severe. Or I'm just in a room full of liars. It's like, obviously you're obsessed with your dog. That thing is false. It broke my hand. You know how many times I just felt that? It's like an electrocutor.
Starting point is 01:00:26 It's really bad. That feels like when I got electrocuted in Argentina. This is not. Let me tell you a story. Let me tell you something about electrocution, you guys. I grew up in a country where the wiring is faulty everywhere. Every other day when I turned on the fucking bathroom lights, it was a shock to my entire system.
Starting point is 01:00:46 And I think this is why. That's probably why you have heart issues. It's also probably why I'm stax. I think that my brain has been rewired in some way because of all the electrical charges I'm in. Do you think you have superpowers? Yeah. Genuinely. Her brain is superpowers.
Starting point is 01:01:03 Yeah, but for basic things like which way to push a door like push or pull i can't figure it out oh yeah she's like i thought you were gonna say that was your superpower always knowing to push your pole is that a superpower i was like the amount of times jenna has seen me just run into a door or like not doing basic things panic because she's like did i read that wrong i don't i tried to but I... Yeah, I short circuit for the dumbest things. But you don't want any more questions? I guess I'll take one more. This thing is fake.
Starting point is 01:01:30 What if I like start getting into the shocks and then I need it to get off? That's like what my... Okay. Oh my God. Have you ever worn underwear for longer than four days? No. I don't think I... Yay!
Starting point is 01:01:49 That's false. She definitely has. That's false. Yo, fuck that machine. I'm so happy I didn't get shot. You need to call Fisher Price and be like, that's a no.
Starting point is 01:02:01 When I was younger though, you guys never did side A, side B? What? Because I was a nasty kid, right? You're like, oh, fuck it. I'll just flip my underwear. Oh, I did that. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:10 Especially when I spent the summer in New York. I maybe have done that once. I didn't have laundry. You know I'm like paranoid with vagina area, pinworms. Jenna last week had a pinworm emergency. What? And she thought she had worms and I'm sure she did
Starting point is 01:02:27 because she said she nannies no in the she had little sensations in her bum bum I had sensations in my butt
Starting point is 01:02:34 did you have worms so I took the medicine because it is my fear yeah to have pinworms what is pinworms there's just
Starting point is 01:02:42 it's a parasite kids get them all the time it's worms get them kids get it's worms in your doo-doo it's worms uh that go in your intestines is it the ones that make you skinny that's a tapeworm you want to buy one in mexico can you really do that pinworms could make you skinny because they feed off your glucose but like you would need to have like a lot and be reinfected and yeah tapeworms are gnarly because you end up getting like sort of this like beer gut. You might be skinny up here, but you have like a bloat to you.
Starting point is 01:03:14 I one time falsely diagnosed a co-worker at Abercrombie with tapeworm because I didn't like her. And she was really mean to everyone around her. And so one time she was like, I don't feel well. And I was like, I'm pretty sure you have a tapeworm. And I showed her a picture of what someone with a tapeworm looks like. And she was convinced she had a tapeworm. I was like, where have you traveled recently?
Starting point is 01:03:36 What kind of foods have you eaten? She was such a bitch. What happened to her? Nothing. She probably went to the doctor and asked if she had a tapeworm. She would always make me like get the sizes in the back. Where was this? Abercrombie and Fitch?
Starting point is 01:03:50 Yeah. Glendale Galleria. Oh, no. I hate mean girls. Fucking cunt. Oh, no. Yeah. I don't like that machine.
Starting point is 01:03:57 Yeah. Yeah. That machine is false. Yeah. I can go on the record and say that Jenna has the most pristine vagina in the world. Wait, why are they saying that? That's not true. Oh, because it was like –
Starting point is 01:04:09 Her? She's never not washing. Yeah, we didn't say it looks nice. We just said it's clean. Do you wash it in the shower? It does look nice. Unfortunately, I do. With what?
Starting point is 01:04:18 Dr. Bronner's. With Dr. Bronner's or this one that's like pH balancing. But you don't – do you think you need to wash your vagina with so i so i've had a very in the last two years i have completely stopped soaping my vagina and it's probably helped you it is no more beastie yeasties feeling so sprightly down there feeling very clean less discharge less irritation i washed the shit out of my asshole, though. Oh, same. Why do you wash it, then?
Starting point is 01:04:47 I don't know. I'm just, like, always paranoid about getting something. I wash it digitally. Like, I mechanical wash it. Wait. Water. What? Mechanically.
Starting point is 01:04:58 Like, I take out the, you know, the creams. What? You don't have creams. But you know the creams. No, I don't. Esther. I'm not kidding. What? You don't have creams. You know the creams. No, I don't. Esther. I'm not kidding. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 01:05:08 Esther, do you not remember calling me like four years ago and being like, whisper. Do we need to give her another lie detector? Does Esther have the creams? Put the thing back on her hand. Yeah, get the thing back on her hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Starting point is 01:05:23 Yeah. Never mind. So do you have the creams? I don't call that that, but I know I just can guess what I think you're saying. You know what's fucked up? It's shmegma. At the gynecologist's office yesterday, I blinked. I've been blinking a lot lately.
Starting point is 01:05:38 And I'm sitting there like this. And I was like, I just had a question about my, you know, she's like, your vagina. And she's sitting there with her gloves on with her assistant, my legs open. And I'm like, my, hold on, just give me a moment. You know, the stuff that in your vagina. And she's like, what are you trying to say? And I was like, just give me a moment. Discharge.
Starting point is 01:06:07 And she's like, oh, yeah, what about it? And apparently, so I, we all have discharge. Yeah. But I haven't really had normal discharge. Like I don't really have a lot. And I didn't know that it was because most likely because of my PCOS and so I'm not ovulating and so when you're ovulating is when you get thicker like gushing out. Ovulating is when you get the egg white it feels very wet down there.
Starting point is 01:06:38 Yeah and like milky and so I've never really had that. Maybe every now and then. But so I was like, I just have a question about my discharge. It's like milk. Sometimes she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, yeah, it's just like, you know, kind of all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, there's like milk running down my leg or something. And she was like. You're lying. No, really. This is yesterday.
Starting point is 01:07:04 You can call her and yeah it's like all of a sudden it like gushes and you're like gushes i feel like yeah it's like all all of a sudden it'll be like a oh i know that but it's not milk it's like egg white it's sperm it's just sperm but it's not it's not as thick for me. Maybe, I don't know. Yeah, that's what's throwing me off. I'm thinking of a thin milk. Yeah, it's like a milky. It's 1%. It's like the top of the yogurt. Yeah, it's a skim part.
Starting point is 01:07:33 Yeah. Well, that's not milk on the top of the yogurt. That's a clear. The go-go queen knows all about it. I know. Is it gloopy, gloppy? Gloopy and gloppy are the same thing. They're not.
Starting point is 01:07:48 They're not. Anyhow, she was like, I'll take a look. So she goes in with the speculum. Yeah, the speculum. The little duck mouth. Ugh, worst thing. I used to ask for the small one, the small size. So she goes in.
Starting point is 01:08:04 But now that I'd be fucking mad, it's a big one. One time the small one the small size so she goes but now that i'd be fucking one time the small one got lost in you what happened why can't they my mom is calling hey mom yes you called me what are you calling mom what you're gonna tell me something when you said hey mom i thought you were gonna tell me Yes? What are you calling for? What? You're going to tell me something. When you said, hey, Mom, I thought you were going to tell me something. Yeah, what I was going to tell you is, like, what up?
Starting point is 01:08:33 Why are you calling? Is that funny? Wait, just before you say anything, you are on a podcast right now with me, Kalilah, and Esther. Oh. Is she microwaving something? you say anything you are on a podcast right now with me kalilah and esther oh is she michael what was your first impression of esther like did you think i don't remember i think she met my mom before she met me well she i know she did mom what are your thoughts about kalilah i love kalilah oh but she said that like i love kalilah yeah like not esther but i love kalilah my mom's obsessed with you well remember when we then i asked your mom after she met your boyfriend would she think of him and she wouldn't she's like like a script
Starting point is 01:09:21 she would not stray from she kept saying saying, I've met him before. I've met him before. This is what I think of Esther. Esther had in her mind what she wanted to do, and she went for it and was not going to stop at not getting it. Translation is, and you haven't done it yet. Like she did the interviews on the street. She did all kinds of things. I'm telling you, every single month maybe,
Starting point is 01:09:50 she'll reference something since I moved here that's like, well, Astor did this. You should have done this because Astor did it. All parents do that. Why don't you get back to stand-up? Astor did it. All parents do it. A hundred percent.
Starting point is 01:10:01 Did you see? She'll write to me, what what is this and it's a screenshot of something you've just posted on Instagram oh my god it's so annoying and I'm like it's what it looks like it's a picture of Esther in front of a tree well what
Starting point is 01:10:17 what is she doing dude the last time I was home my mom I was like mom am I did I gain weight and she's well, if you have to ask. It's like our mom is just like, you're never going to be good. Set your mom free. Okay, mom, love you. We're gonna go. Thank you, Jerry. Bye. That is true about you, Esther. What? Say what you will about sweet little Esther,
Starting point is 01:10:52 but you have a fortitude and a persistence that is unmatched, and I have so much respect for you. It's insane. Thank you. You want it, you get it. It's like you have to be insane to do that. Jenna, you guys, I'm going to plug it on her behalf because she sucks at self-promotion. I'm not great at self-promotion either, but she's worse than me.
Starting point is 01:11:08 Oh, the people. Everyone knows I have the sweatiest armpits in Los Angeles. And one of the things that I am never, despite having the sweatiest armpits, is smelly. That's true. You can attest to this. She smelled my armpits. And that is because Jenna has the best concoction of homemade deodorants.
Starting point is 01:11:27 So everybody go to is it by Tia Jenna? It's oh which is also a name that Esther came up with. It's called Pit Stop
Starting point is 01:11:36 by Tia Jenna. Mm-hmm. So the brand is by Tia Jenna. So where do you gotta get it? Go to my Instagram and then
Starting point is 01:11:43 which is Jenna Jumenez and then in the profile it says by Tia Jenna and you just to get it go to my instagram and then which is jenna jumenes and then in the profile it says by tia jenna and you just click on it and follow or you can just go to i think by tia it's in my instagram there is no kalila you go back to the promotion yeah and you shut the fuck up shut the fuck up no but honestly this is i it's so crazy that this is something that you make because literally i would not be able to show up at work without this it's so it's weird works that's all it's like you fucking took your crazy wacko genius brain and you made something really good and i'm like obsessed you know it sucks can i have some yeah there can be there can be no better test subject
Starting point is 01:12:25 than me you'd be hard pressed to find a better test subject or esther for smell wetness for me smell of esther um and you did a fucking genius job so everybody go get pit stop i'd be like me and esther you know what sucks is that i didn't so he always says she emotionally connects with the smell i do too yeah in fact when she feels anxious sometimes she just goes yeah it's a very grounding smell my armpits look if you need a good whiff of relaxation just smell my armpits and i started making it like six years ago but because i'm very bad at business well i was okay stop talking there so go to she's not bad at business pit stop tia jenna b-y-t-i-a-j-e-n-n-a on instagram and there's an email it's where you can uh place your orders guys i'm the one that told her get a fucking
Starting point is 01:13:15 sticker with a label make it look real cute and she did finally esther was like come to me when you want to be real about this we should should give her, do you like money? Yeah, you guys. Thank you so much for joining us on this special episode of our podcast slash YouTube show, whatever you want to call it. Trash bag of slugs. I'm so happy that people finally got to see Jenna on because I know Jenna has a lot of fans out there. We reference you so much.
Starting point is 01:13:43 Yeah, people. And I'm also so happy for the people who don't know Jennaenna yet and now know that she's insane she's one of us she's a slug she's a slug she's the og slug she's a busy slug though busy bodied slug always busy bodied it's like what and i highly recommend following her i feel like there's so much everyone can learn from her you are so sweet guys. See you next week. Bye.

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