Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Feel the Gush & I Am Bobby Lee w/ Jenna Jimenez
Episode Date: August 24, 2021Thank you to our Sponsors: BetterHelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday Liquid Death - Get free shipping on all water and merch at ht...tps://LiquidDeath.com/TRASH Magic Spoon - Go to https://magicspoon.com/TUESDAYFIVE or use our promo code TUESDAYFIVE at checkout to get $5 off your order Apostrophe - Save $15 off your first visit at https://www.apostrophe.com/tuesday when you use our code TUESDAY Trash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Official Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: George Kimmel & Pete Forthun Editor: Gabby Galon --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message
Transcript
Discussion (0)
After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers,
if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a
limited time all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan,
I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one.
Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail
stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you.
As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile.
I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel.
George is a busy guy.
He takes the most business calls.
And the fact that not a single call is ever dropped.
And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan
and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts.
Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with plans
starting at $15 a month. And all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text
delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. That is such a steal. To get this new customer
offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday.
Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday.
$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month.
New customers on first three-month plan only.
Speed slower above 40 gigabytes.
On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.
See Mint mobile for details
you guys if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make a podcast let me explain
it's free shocking that esther that's what you were about to say right yes it's free uh-huh it's
always number one on our list it's free everyone wants to freaking start a podcast this is the
easiest way we're about to tell you there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and and and they will
distribute your podcast for you so it it can be heard from spotify apple podcasts and all of the
platforms basically also you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership the best
i mean imagine that that's like the lowest,
that's low pressure. Everything you need with Anchor. Everything you need to make a podcast
all in one place. Just download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.
Hi, you guys. I am coming on the road. Get tickets at esteronice.com. I'm coming to New York,
Florida. I'm coming to San Francisco, Portland.com i'm coming to new york florida i'm coming to san francisco portland
you guys know where to go esther on ice.com for tickets and go to sleepover by esther.com to check
out the new drop that is so cute we have now we have 100 recycled t-shirts so nobody can tell me
i'm a bad person but you still can but it'll be harder hello sluggies i um am back on tour you can see me this weekend august 27th and 28th at
the hartford funny bone in connecticut september 7th and 8th at the zanies in chicago cleveland
ohio at hilarity september 9th through 11th the life is beautiful festival in las vegas new nevada
september 18th and 19th rayleigh north car Carolina at Good Night, September 23rd through 25th.
Can't wait to see you guys. It's been absolutely amazing. All right. I missed you this episode,
but I will see you on the next. And Esther does touch my vagina, so you're going to want to see
that one. Kalilah has a pair of underwear that was mine well that's weird to share that why does she
have your old underwear that seems weird it was a gift um two years ago on my birthday
what the fuck is my tea you gifted her old underwear she gifted me her panties from when
she was high school yeah are you jealous esther wait i am because i feel like i know what they
are and i want them because they are they the ones with the band soft they're blue and white band here i've always wait you give me a
pair like that once these were superman right oh okay and they had a hole in them like probably
where i had been scratching my vagina okay also one thing i was you know one thing i was thinking
on the way over here is your Instagram handle is JennaGimenez.
Did I?
I really think.
I don't want to flex.
I think I gave you that name.
And you gave me Esther Monster.
I did give you Esther.
You might have given me JennaGimenez.
I think I was the first person to say JennaGimenez.
I want to go ahead and say you named Donut as well.
I sure did.
Jenna did, yeah.
We were all sitting there
and we're like
it should be a
it should be a dessert
and everyone was naming desserts
and then Jenna said donut
and I was like
that's it
also though
she's the only person
who's been able to submit
Julio
Julio we have a weird dog
named Julio
oh
I was just thinking of a guy
in high school
named Julio
who once made fun of me
for wearing glitter eyeshadow
and you just triggered it.
So I'm just going to calm down.
Did you fight back?
Come on.
No, but this is my moment.
Julio, you were wrong.
Actually, you were right.
Glitter eyeshadow is lame.
No, there aren't many redeemable Julios because my dog Julio is quite the monster.
Except I think Jenna broke him because you humped him back one time.
Yeah, I sure did.
It's like my thing. no no no no like it's
a training what technique that i made up okay like tell us because the dog that's that's it
like when a dog is humping you what are you julia was a troubled dog how he likes no one so show me
like if i'm the dog okay like let's say, first I'm going to hump you.
Yeah, just come up, like, on my leg.
That's how you hump?
That is the problem.
Esther?
You're going to hump me, and then I go.
No.
No, you did not do that.
Yes, I did.
No.
Yes, I did.
I grabbed him and went.
And then it was like everything was fine.
Ever since then, he's just like, what?
He bends the knee when he sees her.
When he said hi to me yesterday, he did a thing where he twisted his body.
And he was like.
Why?
He's weird.
He does yoga poses. he's our neighborhood sociopath
the best behaviorist in la looked me dead in the eyes and said nothing can be done
what he basically said he was do you still have this dog yeah we. We love him so much. Which dog is it? He's the best. I can't. Julio.
Julio. He's insane.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also, if you want to know what it's like when George trains a dog, that's just how he talks
to me and Annie.
He's like, okay, good girl.
Is it a bad girl?
Don't be a bad girl.
Let's not do that.
Do you like money?
That's the main thing.
Every time I have a complaint of any sorts,
Kalilah, do you like money?
I do.
That's really smart.
Yes, Joyce.
Please, Papa.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
Mama.
That's the only way to get us to fall back in line very quickly.
I know.
That would make me fall back in line real fast so okay let's give the audience proper information jenna is you're like
what like you're like about to have sex or something why how is this sex like
and how you imagine her attack dave after you humped me i'm like that's how you have sex um jenna is my best friend
we went to college together it's kind of a big deal best friends so many memories it's a very
big deal i think jenna is your biggest contribution to my life my wait that was a lot of smart words
my biggest your biggest contribution to my life is introducing her to me.
That's actually rude.
I'm actually so upset.
That's the sweetest thing and most compassionate kind thing anyone has ever said about me.
No, that is so rude.
Second to your love and presence.
It's actually the kindest thing anyone's ever said about you.
Even though I get
it, I'm still really offended. But yes, I do get it when someone, because Jenna won't just like
take anyone on. She doesn't take new clients on often. I've been getting rid of clients actually.
I remember when like five or six years ago, you're like, Esther new friends like i just can't and i was like okay good
to know and she you have a big when i met you giant bank of friends i used to think like well
and i understood it but you're a beloved person yeah anyone who meets you people are addicted to
you yeah that's so sweet and also i would say like you're the friend i think we have this with each
other where it's like when shit like like, just tell, if there's
something that you're so humiliated that you never would tell anyone, you tell me and I
tell you.
Yeah.
It's like, I can't wait to call you and be like, I'm worthless.
Yeah.
If you have medical nudes, they go to Jenna first.
Yeah.
And also, like, I had something really traumatic happen to me the past few months.
And I remember telling Jenna and she was just like like okay i don't care whatever and i was like
that's exactly what i wanted you to say like that's i just didn't want pity and anyways jenna's
my best friend from college she's an actress she because of me knows kalilah so now they're
kind of like what are you guys you guys are kind of besties she's my I think
you guys are family
you guys are like
cousins
now
for sure
she's my
I would say
my emotional
support
emotional support animal
it's beyond friendship
I think
like I
when I travel
she's always
next to my sister
says like
when are you coming
no I can't
because it works
go straight to Jenna
if Jenna can't come it goes straight to Jenna.
If Jenna can't come, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm like, well, I guess that trips out of the, you know.
It is true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we met in college and we've just been in love ever since.
More like trapped.
But it's Stockholm syndrome-y with for all of us i think also worth noting jenna is a mexiju half mexican jimenez the instagram handle that you came up which i swear
i remember hearing your last name and being like she's jewish her name was jenna jimenez i bet it
was because i don't have a memory of coming up with that on my own. And I remember that I, starting in seventh grade,
was called Jenna Monster because my friend's brother
always called me Jenna Monster, but I was just like,
you're a monster, like that fits you.
Yeah.
Now, I, when I was super little, was a family friend with Mexican Jews,
and then they moved away.
So then when I met you, I was like, oh my God,
another Mexican juice.
By the only juice,
do you mean horchata?
Wait, I don't get it.
You mean like the Jew mix?
Tamarindo?
Oh, Mexican juice?
Juice.
It's like her funniest thing she ever said.
It's the best joke I've ever come up with.
Aguas frescas.
This bitch.
Tyrone is so happy right now.
I'm more just happy because I'm looking at how Kalilah was like,
hee hee hee.
I have never seen her like that.
I'm uncomfortable.
I'm going to tell, honestly, that was the daddiest joke I've ever told in my life. When I met Jenna, her claim to fame, which I only knew about this
because our other friend Kristen was Jenna's stalker jenna stalker but this is so crazy jenna was on a reality show this is your claim
to fame i never tell anyone about this and esther runs through the streets literally continue jenna
was on a fucking reality show when she was in high school called Endurance,
which was originally on NBC and then went to Discovery Kids.
It was a kid's – it was like Survivor for kids.
And listen to this.
She was on that show.
She got voted back as like the audience favorite to come back for season two.
So she did two seasons, and she fucking won season two.
She won a reality show in high school.
How weird.
It's the only thing I've ever won.
Were you popular in high school because of it?
I was popular in high school before it. I think that only popular girls have that much confidence that they're not popular.
Because for unpopular girls, in my head, I want to believe there were moments of popularity.
I'm like, yeah, I was sort of like medium.
I was very popular. But. In my head, I want to believe there were moments of popularity. I'm like, yeah, I was sort of like medium. I was very popular.
But it's more than that.
I was very confident.
So like even if I was unpopular, it didn't register.
Because I did it in my second year of high school.
And I remember I didn't tell anyone where I was, what I was doing.
It was over the summer.
Because I don't know.
I guess I just thought it was loser or something.
Like the show I thought was loser,
but the experience I thought was dope.
Yeah.
The people I met, the things that we –
look at her face of disgust just thinking of like being on an island.
No, I'm like this is so cool you never talk about it.
So I didn't tell anyone.
I'm also thinking about how the show had subtitles for you.
Don't even.
Okay, we're going to get to that.
So, because you were.
Just wait.
Brown?
Basically.
Here's a blurb I'd like to read for our audience from Jenna Jimenez's endurance page.
I like to be playful and I like to have a good time.
And other people, they tend to be too serious.
Jenna, in her introduction in Right to Stay.
This is horrific.
Oh, my God.
You look so cute, though.
With an actual dog collar on.
Yes, wearing a dog collar. Not like a cool kinky dog collar, but one from Petco.
And then that jacket that i was wearing
was my father's from the 70s like super small short oh man your mom was so good at saving things
i'm so jealous real good at saving things a little too good a little too good there's a
childhood my whole museum there's my whole childhood is like a museum at our house i need
to visit it and make purchases.
You really should.
Are there things for sale?
Oh, and then the subtitles.
What are they?
Subtitles?
I spoke very differently as a kid and teenager because I grew up in Chicago.
Was it with a black scent?
I want to say that it was, unfortunately.
A black scent?
Mixed with maybe a little like Latin slang, the way my brother spoke,
because my brother still speaks like that, but he doesn't hear it. Which makes sense. Like I grew up
in a household with my mom speaking like, ma, yeah, hello. And then my brother being like, nah, man,
like it's not like that, you know. And then my dad like, mija, did you come over here? Did you get
the Burger King? I'm like, a hamburger? So it's like, nothing at home made sense. So when all my friends at school spoke a certain way, and I spent most of my time with them, that's how I...
Speak like your peer. from my high school when I first came here. My final phase was talking like a white girl.
And that did not, that was the worst part
was because there was no white people in my school.
But I tried to like mimic my school team.
Yeah, the club team that I went to,
like all kids from like San Marino, La Crescenta.
So I would try to mimic them.
It was really, really, really a tragic time
for me in high school.
Cause you seem sick for having to like go through six different accents
trying to like find who you are.
Kalilah, can you please read that?
I can't read that.
Jenna is into hip hop, drama, Irish dancing and swimming.
She has a wall in her bedroom covered with graffiti
because she believes that anyone who enters her room
should speak their mind freely and write down their thoughts that was another thing i couldn't believe she really
had that and i still like that i grew up like you cannot if you're if there is a fingerprint on
these white walls you are in so much fucking trouble get your hand off the wall get your
did you touch the mirror and then i walk into her house and there's just drawing everywhere like I couldn't believe it there was like a dick on the wall tits like coming down the f word of course
um everywhere because at the age of like nine I was like mom
I feel that everyone who enters my room should be able to speak their mind. And she was like, yeah, they can speak their mind.
And I was like, but they should feel like they can really speak their mind.
So I'm going to start letting people speak their mind onto my walls.
And I imagine in her head she was like, Lord, fuck me in the ass with no condom.
But out loud what came out, she was like, okay, if that's what you what you feel okay and then she just let it be
wow my your mom to be fair is one of the nicest ladies that my mom would have chopped off my
entire forearms before i could even pick up just your forearms and then attach your hand to your
elbows he's like try try swimming now, bitch.
I was really lucky with my mom.
Yeah, but remember your mom's reaction to your tattoos, your piercings?
Yeah, so this is like what was asked backwards.
Everything was like, do whatever you want.
You should be having sex.
You should be orgasming.
Blah, blah, blah.
Speak your mind.
Be free. My family said that to me.
That's a different kind of trauma, I think.
It is.
I mean, that's why I didn't have sex until I was 19 because I was like, no, never.
No, never. Because you're associating it
now with something that your mom is into.
Yeah, and I'm like, that's not cool.
That your mom wants you to do.
Yeah, I'm like, I'm never doing that loser shit.
Yeah, it's like the more you want your kid
to do it, the more you forbid them.
She was like, you should have a mirror
and you should be knowing what your vagina looks like.
I'm like,
what?
Is something
preventing either of you guys from achieving your
goals or interfering with your happiness?
All day, every day. Like, truly
same. Truly.
You need to check out betterhelp.com
slash trash Tuesday. Listen, you guys, we all out betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday.
Listen, you guys, we all use BetterHelp.
In fact, to be in our friend group, it's a requirement at this point.
Oh, yeah.
Don't call me if you haven't already used BetterHelp because I don't want to hear it,
quite frankly.
Correct.
There are professionals who can actually help you with your real life stuff.
And they can help you better with BetterHelp.
Yes.
It's an unbiased person able to give you professional advice. And you connect in a safe and private online environment.
It's so convenient and you can start communicating with someone in under 48 hours. Trust me when I
say this, everyone needs therapy. Everyone needs help. No one is immune to this. We all need help
and BetterHelp is such a way that has made it so much more convenient for me to communicate with a therapist online.
I'm not sitting in a waiting room.
I'm not dealing with parking or traffic.
Like it's all there safe from home.
It's so damn convenient.
And I love that I can send a message to my counselor anytime I want to.
Whether it's depression, stress, anxiety, family conflicts, grief, self-esteem, they have licensed professional counselors who are specialized in this.
Anything you share is confidential.
It's convenient, professional, and affordable.
It's not a crisis line.
That's what our friend group calls Jenna for.
Yeah.
That's something else.
We want you to start living a happier life today.
As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month
by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com
slash trash Tuesday.
Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp,
H-E-L-P.com slash trash Tuesday. All right, you guys, there's a new water brand at the stores.
You know, you've seen it. You've seen it at Whole Foods. You've seen it at 7-Eleven. You've seen it on my freaking TikTok.
And on Jenna's chest.
And literally, I just sent my parents a case of it.
And they're like, oh, we're going to serve it to the neighbors when they come over tonight.
I'm like, my parents are going to be so badass.
The coolest people in Skokie.
Liquid death.
Liquid death is the, like, I just don't know why it makes me
happy. It also tastes very good. I crack open a can. I feel like I'm so cool. I feel like I'm
riding high, but the secret is it's literally water. I'm literally opening a can of water.
I'm not that cool, but I get to feel cool. And their sparkling water is so sparkly.
It like attacks my face.
It's like gives me all the tingles that I'm looking for.
And why is it called Liquid Death Ester?
Because death to plastic, bitch.
Okay?
We have aluminum cans, so you don't have to worry about it sitting and rotting in its plastic.
You don't have to feel guilty like you're bad for the environment.
Dude, this is the way to just have it grab and go i put a case of them in my trunk in
the trunk of my car so i i'm always know that okay there's a case of water in there i'm good and it's
not like plastic where it'll melt and get disgusting i also feel like this is your dream come true
because you've always wanted to remain sober while looking like a drunk person that's right and as
you hear a story i told on this episode, you'll hear why.
It was very traumatizing when a guy ditched me because I was sober.
This could have solved that problem.
You guys can get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com slash trash.
That's liquiddeath.com slash trash.
And that's a huge deal because honestly, it's not cheap to ship.
This is really heavy. And they're covering the cost it's literally free shipping at liquid death.com
slash trash or go grab some at whole foods or 7-eleven you know you know you see it you know
you want to be cool wait what do you have and donut donut is like definitely thing. Oh, it's a mystery box. Oh, what's in the box?
What's in the fucking box?
So Jenna's gonna have the box on her lap
and put her hand in the box and say,
guess what's in there?
Does donut get a try?
Has a hole in it.
What?
Ew!
It fell, it fell.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,
get my dog away from it, ew, ew, she's gonna eat it.
This is literally an attack on me because you guys know i have a story about this food
that made me cry in vegas it's pulpo it's octopus leg i know it should make me cry because i don't
eat octopus because they're sentient beings all right my oh, is this so that other people could see?
Got it.
I wanted to avoid hitting the microphone.
It's so weird the way that this show, it's like every week they present me with something I'm scared of.
The audience hates me more.
I think that's an attack for me.
I think when you're scared of everything, it's kind of hard not to present anything.
If you put a double cheeseburger, I will not be scared.
Oops. Thank you, P. Thank you. Oh, my God. if you put a double cheeseburger I will not be scared oops thank you P thank you
um this is
un camarón
oh
one handed
bitch you good
thank you I feel like it feels the same if I like
put my pussy in there and you were just like
un camarón
if you honestly put one pussy in there and you were just like, un camarón.
If you honestly put one of your pussies in the box,
I would have had the same answer.
Un camarón.
I'm not feeling well today.
What's new?
I have a doctor's note.
What's new?
I have the Delta variant.
You are the Delta variant. You are the Delta variant.
Your patient's zero estrogen.
No, why are you laughing?
Why are you laughing?
I don't know.
It looks funny to me.
Why is it funny?
Why is it funny?
Why is it funny?
Just stick your hand in bitch and you'll figure out. Because I don't want to touch a prawn.
It's not a prawn.
For someone who's very willing to fist my asshole,
you should be very good at this game, Esther.
Like you're such a dirty bitch.
You should be able to touch it.
It's nothing worse than any amount of time that you haven't showered.
No, that is so.
It's just like I moved out.
I like left my parents house to move to la
if you want to tell your story about how you met me or whatever
no just touch it it's just like why did i come here to do stand-up comedy and now i'm like having
people egg me on to put my hand in a box that i don't know what's in it it's just like stand-up
comedy is the hardest thing anybody can do and you won't put your hand in a box? This is it.
Just put your hand in a box.
No, no, no.
We're going to get...
I choose the next one.
Esther gets to go twice.
No, no.
Yeah, just put your hand.
Esther, it's fine.
Look where she's putting her hand.
She's going to be like, air, there's nothing.
Now.
That's weird.
Mine must have jumped out.
Just smash it.
Smash it in there.
Yeah.
It's not alive, right?
Be brave, little one.
I mean, Esther, look at me.
It's fine.
Make a wish for each sad little tear.
No, you're not going to be mad.
You're going to be like, oh, I'm a dumb bitch.
It's not alive, right? It's a dumb bitch. It's not alive, right?
It's a living thing.
It's not alive, though, anymore.
It's a living organism.
What do you mean?
Esther, you got to get to it.
Think about what a living organ...
What's a living thing?
What makes a living thing?
Eyes.
An eyeball.
Okay, I'm going to do what the TSA does, like around my around my special parts i'm gonna go back on my hand this is how they deal with special parts of the tsa they do the back of the hand
to my breast yeah it's very impersonal get very like okay smash it down some more is it really
from sugarfish it feels like sugarfish here it feels like sushi what's your final answer esther turn your hand downward
your palms are where your nerves are at how are you going to identify an object when your nerves
have not touched it yeah what would a nurse do esther a nurse would get in the car and drive
straight to the hospital and help out get to know what an actual hemorrhoid feels like i really do not like what think about
you're a nurse you're putting a suppository you i don't you're making donut nervous it feels like
it has skin ester you're making donut nervous it has it definitely has skin it definitely has it
definitely has a skin it definitely has a thousand percent. Kalilah, you got so much joy out of saying that.
Just the way she's tapping it.
She said, it definitely has skin.
Okay, I totally touched it.
I want you to just put it, yeah.
Put it in your hand.
Why would I do?
Because you're a nurse.
Nurse Esther, what would Nurse Esther do?
Ah!
Oh my God, I squeezed it and I thought it was going to like, you know, just my fingers would sink into it.
So what's your guess?
I don't know what it is.
Have a guess.
Is it a bouncy ball?
Sushi.
It's a sushi.
A sushi type.
Sushi meat.
Is it a tuna sushi?
What is it it Pete?
Pickled plum
Yeah I told you
I thought I gave it away with hemorrhoid
Esther
I gave you my eyes
And my trust and you didn't take it
Yeah but that could have meant like
Yeah it's a scary thing but you'll live
No I said
Esther I gave you a layup asking if it has skin meant like, yeah, it's a scary thing, but you'll live. No, I said Esther.
That's so unfair.
I gave you a layup asking if it has skin.
It's a living thing.
Plants, animals are living things.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I've just been humiliated.
The fact that she said eyes.
Sorry.
All right, Jenna is up next.
Don't look at it like that. What jenna you would love this no no jenna i know for a fact that jenna listen all i'm saying
is i don't fuck around no no no no jenna you'd like this you just gotta go just don't kill it
Don't fuck around.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Jenna, you'd like this.
You just gotta go.
But just don't kill it.
So gentle.
Yeah, no.
This is actually
unacceptable.
Like, I will walk.
If it's a cockroach?
No, no, no, no.
I would never do that to you.
I wouldn't be in this room
if it was a fucking cockroach.
George, if you bought
a fucking cockroach for me?
A worm.
Yes.
Jenna loves earthworms.
You like it?
I like it.
She loves them.
How did you get those?
I know that if you had accidentally killed one, it would have ruined your whole day.
My heart is still racing from the plums.
I am like, I need a break.
I need a break.
What kind of banana or a plum break?
We need a banana break this early?
This is the earliest banana break?
This is like not what I signed up for.
I am really just, I need to lie down.
Oh, you're winded?
Yeah.
I can tell you're like lightheaded.
I don't feel well.
Is it my turn?
No, we'll do it.
We're doing Esther again.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Just go straight for it.
Be fast, you know.
Why?
You can deduce what it is if you ask me three good questions. Is it okay, yeah. Just go straight for it. Be fast, you know. Why? You can deduce what it is
if you ask me
three good questions.
Is it alive?
No.
No.
Was it ever alive?
Possibly from a living thing, yes.
Esther, look at me in my eyes.
This is the second time
I'm going to do it.
It's okay.
What's your third question? have would a vegan eat it
no okay that makes things different because a vegan would eat the last one and if i knew that
i would go in with my mouth you would go in with your mouth but this is something that a vegan
wouldn't eat but it was maybe alive before.
I mean.
Sourced from living things.
Yes.
Sourced. Sourced.
So is it honey?
Esther, three questions.
Earth means three questions.
Oh, she is mean.
Just dig your hand in.
You're going to be fine.
Really?
Let's move on.
Yes.
Esther, you're touching the plate.
No, I'm not.
You are.
She's doing this to the plate.
She's touching the plate
and her eyes were like.
It feels almost like mochi.
Stick a nail into it.
Yeah, stick a nail into it.
That's mean.
The way you say it
with a big smile.
Like you're just so happy.
I just want to eat.
Well, Donut likes it.
It feels like a mochi.
It feels like a dessert.
Classic.
A classic.
Go for classics.
A ho-ho?
That's the name of our show.
It's definitely like squishy.
And look, if it's a sea creature, I'm going to be upset.
If it's not, I'm okay.
It is very similar to a sea creature.
Similar.
I think it's a mochi dessert.
Okay.
Good guess.
All right.
Final answer.
Good guess.
That is a Twinkie.
Twinkie.
Are you serious? You know what? This is this is crazy wow you're a dumb bitch yeah yeah and if i had put my wow do you guys know that when i went
when my great-grand was still alive we had to leave twinkies on the counter for her to eat in
the middle of the night what it's because her sugar would drop i don't know i think it's because
she got hungry and she didn't have her teeth in it is an easy um gum i can't believe it was a twinkie i and i got
and you guys got me twice in a row you got yourself your line of questioning is was almost
perfect yeah here's the thing it's like i would expect that if it was a scary thing like octopus
and i would be like really like that but because i didn't know what it is i still feel that crazy fear that like i still feel like your body in fight or flight yes
it is it is show me your armpits are you sweating no i'm not i'm not like you
nothing has happened jenna put your hand under my armpits now
nothing has happened right nothing has happened to me but
please just touch what what esther you want to put your fingers in my armpit it's like i just
shoved oh yeah i do that'll do here you want to try my right armpit just get in there fully
it looks like vagina discharge it's so wet it's so wet i feel like mine is really wet right now too like underneath
no not as wet as you yeah i you're like dripping wet sopping wet sopping yeah also my hands and
feet that's like my favorite thing about her when your feet drip i'm like when i my feet are
dripping i send pictures to jenna does that make you a healthier person because like sweating is good for you?
It makes my hands and feet look really young.
So yes, should I have an OnlyFans of just my young feet?
Yes.
I want to start an OnlyFans or something with my feet because the amount of people I get asking me.
Here's what I think you should do.
The pictures of my feet.
I think you should Irish dance on top of some cake.
We do like a focus right on your feet that'll i have my
hard shoes still and my dress well let's take the shoes off because i don't think you'll get a lot
of bucks for that yeah but you do have very pretty feet i think that my hands stay very um soft in
between the sweat sessions because of the sweat but yeah like people do not believe how what an anxious
fight or flighty person i am until they get close but you're not anxious in fight or flight now i
am i always am yes she is the cameras are on i'm always dying i'm always dying on the inside
but i've i've made it my life's mission to not show make it obvious to someone. Are you just learning this?
I guess.
I always thought that your sweatiness hadn't,
I didn't think that it had something to do with how you actually felt.
I thought it was just like some people sweat more.
She's always on the verge of a panic attack.
Yeah, Esther.
One time I called Jenna from a Gelson's produce aisle,
and I called her crying, and I was like,
I have this fear that I'm going to forget who I am. Like I thought I was going to enter a food state. She goes, and I don't crying and I was like I have this fear that I'm gonna forget who I am
like I thought I was gonna enter a food state she goes and I don't remember anyone else's name but
yours and I was like and she had to pick me up and I was frozen she dropped all her groceries
I dropped everything I had in my cart and I was she picked me up and I was like a statue
just wheeled her out it's so weird because you i feel like you know like the low kalilah low
status kalilah and i only know high status yeah like to me kalilah is like such a boss bitch like
but that's part of the boss bitchness because it's like imagine feeling like that and still
doing stuff yeah yeah literally you want to talk about fear? I'm afraid of breathing.
Like at night, I call Jenna in a panic.
Like, I don't know why I keep holding my breath for no reason.
Like if someone says, relax, breathe, focus on your breath,
it throws me into a bigger panic.
Oh, that's true.
And I told you that the other day. I used to be like that with Jenna too until I started my Lexapro.
It's true.
Shout out Lexapro.
It really does wonders.
That is so true.
It was just a mere year ago that you were still a nightmare.
I might be joining you soon.
Really?
I might be hopping back on the men's thing.
This bitch has changed.
I tell people how different you are.
I don't like to say better because it's like no yeah you're better but like you were just
i don't want to say unbearable either
but like obviously i was very very close with you and i loved you still the same
because in my mind i'm like oh that's just Esther there's no yeah there's no other Esther but now that I see you I'm like she's alive yeah I was just so I had my anxiety like ruled
everything right and I didn't know that it was like really your anxiety but when I look because
that's all I knew but when I look back and I'm like oh you were constantly scared what were you
most scared of what is the one thing you feel like you fixated on?
Well, I was also, keep in mind, like I was a hypochondriac,
which you know because I've texted both of you about like ailments I think I had.
The amount of times she had me come over and like check on things
or smell things in her house or like get a second opinion just for me.
And now it's like you live my like old life you're like
like this is how my life was before remember when you used to be like how do you just do that how
can you just pick up and go on a trip like yeah i mean have you been on a trip since you started
lexapro outside of the country uh not outside. Oh, well, I went to Montreal, but that was for work.
Do I get three questions?
What is that?
But I don't know what it is.
I am a super smeller.
I should just.
I don't know what it is.
Do you?
Tia?
It smells like a food of sorts.
It looks like a food.
Okay.
Well, I know for sure it's not a living thing because I smell like a stale food.
So.
Can you twist it toward me and show me?
Yeah.
I think it's something that I know.
Yes, I know.
It is?
Mm-hmm.
Will you mouth it to me?
It actually feels like a sea cucumber.
Look at her face.
I'm going to go ahead.
Hold on.
It's either, it could be a cow tongue
ooh
if that's a
no cow tongue's flatter than this
it is
wait oh hold on
it has roots
ew
ew ew ew ew
she's pulling a string out of it
ew ew ew
it's not a string
it's attached to it
it's one of a fiber
I don't think it's a sea cucumber
because I think it's a wet vegetable of sorts.
It smells like that.
But I can't think of another vegetable.
So I'm just going to go ahead and say sea cucumber.
What does it mean?
Wait, wait.
It's a big bowl of radish.
Isn't it like in the futamaki or whatever it's called?
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Isn't that what it is? Because I remember growing up, my mom used to be like, futamaki or whatever it's called. Oh, yeah. You're right. Isn't that what it is?
Because I remember growing up, my mom used to be like, futamaki.
God damn it.
Because she would go to the.
Can I just say, because when I was scared, you guys were like, if you are a nurse, you would do it.
A nurse knows what they're touching when their eyes are open.
First off, I didn't say that.
I just want to say I still qualify to be a nurse.
What?
Should we give Esther one more to prefer nurse them?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we're done.
We're done.
We're done with this game.
We're done.
No, we're done with the game.
No, I'm not a nurse.
Okay.
I'm not a nurse.
Please, we're done.
Why did we stop eating cereal as adults?
Dude, because it's bad for you and it's like full of sugar.
It was the happiest though.
I know.
Dude, that is why Magic Spoon is my favorite thing ever to be invented.
It's so delicious and I can just shove a bowl down and not feel bad at all because it's filled with protein and it's like it's good for you.
Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four
net grams of carbs in each serving only 140 calories a serving it's keto friendly gluten
free grain free soy free low carb and gmo free oh my god i forgot they sent i just got the new
the two new flavors they brought back the cookies and cream and the maple waffle syrup or something it's so good it's so breakfasty
and like sweet and indulgent but there's no guilt about it i want you need it yeah you need it come
over i'll give you a box we have it yeah i want it now so flavors include cocoa fruity frosted
peanut butter blueberry cinnamon and what esther mentioned cookies and cream and maple waffle subscribe
today to flavors you love and you can get cereal shipped to your doorstep not to mention saving
more than 25% on every order you can choose four flavors you love edit your subscription switch it
up and keep yourself stocked up on cereal go to magicspoon.com slash tuesday five or use our
promo code tuesday five at checkout to get five dollars
off your order and try it today. Remember, if you subscribe to Magic Spoon, you get five dollars off
on top of the 25 percent savings from subscribing. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product.
It's backed with a 100 percent happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason,
they'll refund your money. No questions asked. Remember, subscribe and get your delicious
guilt free cereal on the regular at Magic Spoon.com slash Tuesday five and use the code Tuesday five
to save big. Thank you so much, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring this episode. We love you.
Thank you. I'm having you for dinner tonight. It's really hard to navigate skincare products
and to know when there's so many options out there, which one is right for you,
what ingredients are best for you.
And, you know, are you going to spend all this money on like random marketing?
Is it going to work?
Yeah.
Dude, that is why Apostrophe is such a game changer because it is a prescription skincare company that offers science-backed oral and topical medications that are clinically proven to help clear acne.
that are clinically proven to help clear acne.
An apostrophe will connect you with a board-certified dermatologist who will create a personalized treatment plan that is perfectly tailored to your skin.
All you have to do is simply fill out Apostrophe's online quiz
about your skin goals and medical history,
then snap a few selfies and your dermatologist will create your customized treatment plan.
An apostrophe treats acne and they could also help you hit your other skin care goals
like reducing redness,
which is absolutely mine. I'm so red. Wrinkles and even dark spots.
For me, there are several things wrong with my skin. Number one, I suffer from eczema. I have
melasma on my upper lip, dark spots, acne, hormonal acne, all of the above. And apostrophe
has changed my life. The fact that you have a dermatologist at your fingertips is a life changer.
Well, there's just real solutions out there that only a doctor can really help you with.
I know for me, when my skin was bad compared to the confidence I feel since I have kind
of gotten my skin in place with a doctor's help, it really can just be a confidence booster,
which can make your whole life better.
You look good. You feel better. You look good.
You feel good.
You act good.
And people don't know this, but the skin, fun fact, is the largest organ in our body.
We should be taking care of it, you guys.
We have a special deal for our audience.
Save $15 off your first visit with a board-certified dermatologist at apostrophe.com slash Tuesday
when you use our code Tuesday.
This code is only available to our listeners. So to get started, just go to apostrophe dot com slash Tuesday and click begin visit.
Then use our code Tuesday at sign up and you'll get $15 off your dermatology visit.
That's A-P-O-S-T-R-O-P-H-E dot com slash Tuesday and use that code Tuesday to get your dermatology
visit and save $15.
And we thank Apostrophe for sponsoring this podcast.
It's so weird that like all three of us, it's like a weird triangle. Like we have a really
close relationship separate. You guys have a really close relationship separate. And then
we're like, I don't know what we are, but I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you too.
close relations separate and then we're like i don't know what we are but i'm in love with you i'm in love with you too but like it's we've never all no that's so true it's interesting
that kalilah's turned very mean when we're all together she's like let me see what happens
touch it put your nail in it
but this is so much fun like it is fun i know this is great it's fun it's like it's almost
like i can feel a closeness with kalilah that we both know so much about you i know i feel like
you too like there might not be anyone else aside from sosi and you know stuff from like
even before i moved here yeah but it's weird that people you love, I love. Hmm.
It's, it, I don't know if there's.
Because they're all so different.
They are all so different.
But they're, but I love them all.
Like I adore Soce.
Yeah, I really like Soce too.
So it's like there haven't really met anyone through you.
And again, you, you gave me one of the biggest contributions in my life
because she gave me one of the contributions of my life, which is Shandy.
Oh, yeah.
One of my other really, really close girlfriends I met through her.
Oh, I don't know her well at all.
I'm from Chicago, too.
Chicago, yeah.
I love – that's like one of my warm spots, like sharing my friends.
It's always my goal to like push them on each other or like when i
left chicago i would give friends there who i knew would get along super close friends each other's
numbers and be like hey well i'm not there how about when i left and then you took over my
babysitting job and now like we both have such a good relationship with that family oh my god
like that's so special to me i feel like you left a trail for me but i just followed you go do this go do this wait also
klyla i want to tell you this because i feel like you'll really understand you'll be like the one
person that gets it the moment that i knew i was full okay donut is eating your brain through your
nose um the moment that i knew jenna was like so special and i need to be your friend
forever is very strange but like we were we used to we used to take this class fission 101 food
science and health what's it called fission fshn food science oh i thought you meant nutrition yeah
uh-huh and so it was like a big lecture hall at University of Illinois, like just, you know, huge, whatever.
And for some reason, every class, me and Jenna and our third friend, Kristen, would sit in the front row.
Our third friend.
Like that's the only one we had.
Our third friend.
And like, so we would always sit in the front row.
And like, keep in mind, like the first 10 rows are empty.
Nobody is, like everyone is way back.
And so we'd always sit there.
Everyone's like asleep and high
yeah and we were so into this class and one day jenna had like brought a snack with her and i was
like oh my god like that looks so good can i have some and she's like i can't even this is what she
says to me i can't even believe you would dare ask me, knowing what a busy day I have, that you would dare ask me for a bite of my food.
I can't believe that I ever said that because I'm so generous.
But I also know that Esther was probably always pushing it.
And I knew that she would be like, I'll finish it.
No.
Like, I'll just eat it.
But then I was like, oh, my God.
Like, something just came over me where I was like, she just
like so aggressively told me that she's not sharing with me.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm in.
Like, I love this.
You love the vibe of the kid who offers the chips but crunches the bottom seed.
You can't get that much.
You can only really get like one or two chips max.
That's the vibe she gave off.
It was just like, oh, I want to be like that too i want
to tell people fuck no you can't have a fry because the thing is is that that's how you really felt
all the time yeah no you cannot have a fry but would die being like okay yeah but i would also
say like i was sharing all the time yeah you are a are a sharer now, but that was a very –
But if it's like this is what I packed and I have six hours at the library right now
and $11 in my bank account, you are not getting this.
Yeah, she was counting her macros on a budget.
That's something.
Also, I feel like an experience that we had in college is sort of like why I felt like
I had to make my stand-up special the way that I made it was because I have – it's like stand-up intercut with like scenes with my parents.
Oh, this is true.
And that is kind of because the first time you met my parents,
what you said to me, I was like – I don't know.
Will you tell Kalilah?
Yeah.
So basically I had never met Esther's parents, but I always –
Because we were in college.
Right.
We were in college, which the way we met is like this whole other story. But we're in college and Esther probably convinced me to drive her home this weekend.
And I'm going to her childhood home.
I'm meeting her parents.
I'm like, this is going to be so cool.
We're in her house.
And immediately I'm like like something is not right like well I can't put
my finger on it but what's wrong with this household and not like they were mean or rude
but it was just like so peculiar in a way that I was like, okay, let me just like keep observing and try and figure out
like how I fit in here. And then we get into the van, right? It was a van. And we head to
somewhere in Evanston to go eat. Her mom and dad are just going back and forth and talking.
About like what they're going to order for dinner or something.
And like asking Esther, but also being kind of aggressive about it. And I was,
I remember
having this moment
and like looking out the window
and being like,
I get it.
I get why you are
the way you are
and why it makes no sense
because they make no sense.
But are all like,
how someone can be so particular,
but also there's like
no sense behind it. it is weird about you
because i feel like there are certain things that you're very particular like she said particular
about but you also live with a lot more abandoned yeah um than it's the lexapro no but even before
that um yeah so it's sort it's a weird mix. You're very similar to Bobby in that way.
Yeah.
I think that I'm Bobby.
I think you are.
I'm not as talented, but I fucking identify with him.
Imagine if that's in the future.
It's just something that you can do.
It's just I identify as Bobby Lee.
And then no one can take that away from you yeah i am bobby
lee like for sure i think so i think he's his own because he's his own species yeah yeah i think he's
there he always says there are 12 human prototypes he's one and you know we know, we fall under each one of those 12 prototypes. You fall under the B. Lee.
The Bobby Lee.
Yeah.
The Bobby Lee.
Made in the 1940s.
Oh, yeah.
Not the most efficient for modern day, but beloved and held in high regard as a vintage piece.
Disgusting and dirty.
Hygiene questionable.
Needs refurbishing for sure you know what's crazy
though too is that i never really thought you were odd until i met your parents because then
i saw it on someone else and i was like oh it all makes sense like i don't remember why are you confused i'm just listening like i don't
remember thinking that you were like weird because you were you're weird well i was weird i don't
feel like i'm weird anymore well you can just be not weird anymore just because you like live in
la and everyone's weird yeah like i don't do things like dry shave in public places anymore yeah but that's like not that's just like an example that's
not the actual weirdness that it's like the weirdness is underneath that that's just like
a behavior of how it manifests got it got it you're still so weird right oh yeah what oh yeah
I I but I I think that's I'm not offended i'm just like that's not how i would
not to say that i have a criteria for friends but the weirder the better for me i'm a voyeur
i like watching weird people do yeah i have that too and i love it's actually really fucked up
it's a fucked up quality because i feel like my friend like my sane friends are always like you just need to like start watching TV shows so you can stop hanging out with the insane people.
Like just watch it on a show.
Like, yeah, you don't need to live it.
Yeah.
You're not that, like you're just weird in like a fun way, not in a like toxic.
Yeah, you're the weirdest, you're the weirdest sober person I know.
Like I've never seen someone look so high at a club
I've never seen someone look so
high on PCP
while not being on PCP
you know what I mean?
I don't know what to say
I'm like oh she's making out with an inanimate
object but she's sober I promise
you guys she's sober
people were always like no I've seen you drunk and i'm like
people i've been friends with for like 20 years oh my wait should we banana break yes let's banana
break do i get a banana yeah yeah do you you weren't with me but it was at that frat party
remember the one frat house that i would go to all the time that we have a picture at yeah it was all the ugly guys
also in college every guy liked jenna of course they still do uh and i was just acting like how
we act you know like just being really silly crazy running around like dancing like obnoxious doing
weird shit and this whole night this one guy was talking to me the whole night
and then one of my girlfriends who like lived in my building with me was there too and she goes
she's laughing she's like esther this is what i love about you you act like this and you are
dead sober and the guy who i've been flirting with all night like having so much fun with he
just looks at me he's like you're sober i'm like yeah and he literally walked out of the room and didn't talk to me the rest of the night it was so traumatizing because he was so
embarrassed because he had been so fucked up that he was like oh shit no or was he like gonna rape
me like yeah it's like i have no interest in this person i cannot take advantage of yeah because she
has a clearer mind than me in this moment i thought she was gonna how fucked up is that no you remember no guys liked me in college i liked you
that was all i needed didn't know guys like you oh this is sad i didn't feel like that
that's sad that's like when the mom is like oh i think guys like
oh there was the one oh Oh, no, not him.
Oh, the one time at the... Oh, that was Lena.
Well, wait, I'll whisper her name.
Because our friend group definitely loves bringing this name up,
but I don't know if you know it.
Do I remember?
Then you don't.
Was he the frat boy?
There was one frat guy that I kind of had a thing with.
Oh, that was his name?
Yeah.
But then one time, his mom sent him puppy chow.
You know that snack that moms make?
Wait, like Chex Mix?
Yeah, it's for people, but it's called puppy chow.
And it's like, I don't know, marshmallows and Chex Mix and chocolate, powdered sugar.
And we were sitting on his bed and like he was like sharing with me and then he was like,
I think you had too much of it.
And he like took it away from me.
Did you fart or something?
What?
Did you fart?
No, I think he just like wanted to keep it for himself.
And I was eating too much of it.
Rude.
That would be really funny if it was real puppy chow.
And I was eating dog food.
Because you were once a dog.
Jacob the dog.
Jacob.
Jacob.
That's so cute.
One of the most humiliating times
I've ever hooked up with a guy
at UNLV.
He played baseball.
It was the night after.
Thankfully, we never had sex.
But, you know,
we had a whole lot of smooching.
Smooching was the best.
Smooching.
And granted, we were both like pretty drunk.
But the amount of times he asked me what my name was, the morning after, really broke my heart.
And I know I have a difficult name to remember.
But he was like, wait, what's your name again?
Malaysia?
And I'm like, oh, close enough. enough close enough thank you so much for remember remembering because he was so cute yeah he had like 18 different variations of my name
and i remember as soon as he left the door like i cried really yeah? What did you feel? I just felt like that was the least he could have done is commit my name to memory.
Yeah.
Because then it just felt like, wow, he really does not remember what we did, is not interested
in me in any way.
He just wanted like a blind blackout hookup.
Ew.
And that's why I was like, man.
And then the fact that
he kept asking your name,
it's like,
if you don't remember it,
just don't ask.
Just let,
yeah,
just drop it.
Yeah,
and then my friend was like,
maybe he has a learning disability.
I was like,
I'll take that.
That's what I'll move forward with.
He's stupid.
Yes,
that's right.
Remember your boobs
were bigger in college?
They were huge.
And actually,
just a couple weeks ago,
they were huge
because I was bleeding. But I had a 34DD in college d and like my breasts came up to my collarbone yeah it was crazy
yeah it was crazy you remember you had huge tits that was really fun they were huge esther would
constantly just walk up to me and pull my shirt down and like touch them or look at them no
listener of this show is surprised to hear that estersterista moves. I said the most Esterista moves.
Oh.
Huh?
All right, do we want to do the lie detector? You can't handle the truth.
In regards to lie detectors, I think I could be the most innocent person on earth
and fail every single lie detector just based on my armpit sweat alone.
Yeah, for sure.
And my heart rate always being high. i totally think that you're right like i would have to knock myself out with fentanyl
before i would pass any lie detector so okay go ahead i've all you know what's interesting
on the reverse of that i've always felt like oh a lie detector that must be so easy to to
to like to fake and now that it's here, I literally, my heart
is pounding. Like the fact that we're talking about
it. Oh my god.
It's a kid's toy? It's already
short-circuited because my palms are sopping wet.
So you guys can either ask your own questions.
We have some sample questions if you want to go off
our list or choose your own. Are you
attracted to Bobby? Yes.
How do we find out?
Yay! Pussy wet.
Even when you ask that question.
I know you are too.
I love little mustached Asian man.
That's my vibe.
She's so attracted to him.
But to be still attracted is weird.
That's a good point.
Esther loses attraction after like 14 hours though.
Are you attracted to me?
No.
That's not a real question.
That was just a joke one.
Well, it's your fucking fault.
No.
Yay!
All right.
Ready.
This feels like a shark.
Are you allergic to gluten?
No.
Are you sensitive to gluten? No. Are you sensitive to gluten?
Yes.
Ow!
What did it do?
Wait, did you lie?
I said no, I'm not allergic to it, but I am sensitive to it.
I fucked it up.
I fucked it up.
One of those was wrong, obviously.
Okay, next question.
Oh, my God.
Okay, this one's a, yeah, I'm going to pull one of these.
This is scary.
Okay, quick.
I'm scared.
Have you ever not changed your underwear
for longer than two days?
No.
I hope it says you're lying.
Ow!
Why does he keep doing this?
Is it my rings?
It's shocking me.
You're a liar Jenna
do you know how afraid I am
of wearing dirty underwear
I know that that's a fucked up thing
because Jenna
I'm paranoid
is probably
she probably scrubs it with a Brillo pad
that's how paranoid she is
can we ask
can we ask again
I'm going to take my ring off
and the question which confused me
I would not have known how to answer it
I'm afraid of this thing.
Do you like Bobby for me?
Yes.
Wow.
Jenna, why?
I'm telling the truth.
I don't know what to say.
This machine doesn't like me.
I'm telling Bobby.
But like.
Pass it to Esther.
No, wait.
Can we see if this is ever going to say no?
I'm done with that.
That's actually a good question.
Because I've like never thought of you with anyone but Bobby.
And when people ask me about you with Bobby, I'm like, there's no one else.
And I do believe you.
There's no one else for that.
For the record.
Hi, little baby.
Are you obsessed with Dodie?
Yes.
I'm so scared right now.
It's going to shock me.
Yeah. Isn't isn't it?
Let's get it off.
That is like a
taser. It is. That is so
severe. Or I'm just in a room full of liars.
It's like, obviously
you're obsessed with your dog. That thing is
false.
It broke my hand.
You know how many times I just felt that?
It's like an electrocutor.
It's really bad.
That feels like when I got electrocuted in Argentina.
This is not.
Let me tell you a story.
Let me tell you something about electrocution, you guys.
I grew up in a country where the wiring is faulty everywhere.
Every other day when I turned on the fucking bathroom lights,
it was a shock to my entire system.
And I think this is why.
That's probably why you have heart issues.
It's also probably why I'm stax.
I think that my brain has been rewired in some way because of all the electrical charges I'm in.
Do you think you have superpowers?
Yeah.
Genuinely.
Her brain is superpowers.
Yeah, but for basic things like which way to push a door
like push or pull i can't figure it out oh yeah she's like i thought you were gonna say that was
your superpower always knowing to push your pole is that a superpower i was like the amount of
times jenna has seen me just run into a door or like not doing basic things panic because she's
like did i read that wrong i don't i tried to but I... Yeah, I short circuit for the dumbest things.
But you don't want any more questions?
I guess I'll take one more.
This thing is fake.
What if I like start getting into the shocks and then I need it to get off?
That's like what my...
Okay.
Oh my God.
Have you ever worn underwear for longer than four days?
No.
I don't think I...
Yay!
That's false.
She definitely has.
That's false.
Yo, fuck that machine.
I'm so happy I didn't get shot.
You need to call Fisher Price
and be like,
that's a no.
When I was younger though,
you guys never did side A, side B?
What?
Because I was a nasty kid, right?
You're like, oh, fuck it.
I'll just flip my underwear.
Oh, I did that.
Yeah.
Especially when I spent the summer in New York.
I maybe have done that once.
I didn't have laundry.
You know I'm like paranoid with vagina area, pinworms.
Jenna last week had a pinworm emergency.
What?
And she thought she had worms
and I'm sure she did
because she said
she nannies
no in the
she had little
sensations in her
bum bum
I had sensations
in my butt
did you have worms
so I took the medicine
because
it is my fear
yeah
to have pinworms
what is pinworms
there's just
it's a parasite
kids get them
all the time it's worms get them kids get it's worms
in your doo-doo it's worms uh that go in your intestines is it the ones that make you skinny
that's a tapeworm you want to buy one in mexico can you really do that pinworms could make you
skinny because they feed off your glucose but like you would need to have like a lot and be
reinfected and yeah tapeworms are gnarly because you end up getting like sort of this like beer gut.
You might be skinny up here, but you have like a bloat to you.
I one time falsely diagnosed a co-worker at Abercrombie with tapeworm
because I didn't like her.
And she was really mean to everyone around her.
And so one time she was like, I don't feel well.
And I was like, I'm pretty sure you have a tapeworm.
And I showed her a picture of what someone with a tapeworm looks like.
And she was convinced she had a tapeworm.
I was like, where have you traveled recently?
What kind of foods have you eaten?
She was such a bitch.
What happened to her?
Nothing.
She probably went to the doctor and asked if she had a tapeworm.
She would always make me like get the sizes in the back.
Where was this?
Abercrombie and Fitch?
Yeah.
Glendale Galleria.
Oh, no.
I hate mean girls.
Fucking cunt.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
I don't like that machine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That machine is false.
Yeah.
I can go on the record and say that Jenna has the most pristine vagina in the world.
Wait, why are they saying that?
That's not true.
Oh, because it was like –
Her?
She's never not washing.
Yeah, we didn't say it looks nice.
We just said it's clean.
Do you wash it in the shower?
It does look nice.
Unfortunately, I do.
With what?
Dr. Bronner's.
With Dr. Bronner's or this one that's like pH balancing.
But you don't – do you think you need to wash your vagina with so i so i've had a
very in the last two years i have completely stopped soaping my vagina and it's probably
helped you it is no more beastie yeasties feeling so sprightly down there feeling very clean less
discharge less irritation i washed the shit out of my asshole, though.
Oh, same.
Why do you wash it, then?
I don't know.
I'm just, like, always paranoid about getting something.
I wash it digitally.
Like, I mechanical wash it.
Wait.
Water.
What?
Mechanically.
Like, I take out the, you know, the creams.
What?
You don't have creams.
But you know the creams.
No, I don't. Esther. I'm not kidding. What? You don't have creams. You know the creams. No, I don't.
Esther.
I'm not kidding.
What are you talking about?
Esther, do you not remember calling me like four years ago and being like, whisper.
Do we need to give her another lie detector?
Does Esther have the creams?
Put the thing back on her hand.
Yeah, get the thing back on her hand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Never mind.
So do you have the creams?
I don't call that that, but I know I just can guess what I think you're saying.
You know what's fucked up?
It's shmegma.
At the gynecologist's office yesterday, I blinked.
I've been blinking a lot lately.
And I'm sitting there like this.
And I was like, I just had a question about my, you know, she's like, your vagina.
And she's sitting there with her gloves on with her assistant, my legs open.
And I'm like, my, hold on, just give me a moment.
You know, the stuff that in your vagina.
And she's like, what are you trying to say?
And I was like, just give me a moment.
Discharge.
And she's like, oh, yeah, what about it?
And apparently, so I, we all have discharge.
Yeah.
But I haven't really had normal discharge.
Like I don't really have a lot.
And I didn't know that it was because most likely
because of my PCOS and so I'm not ovulating and so when you're ovulating is when you get
thicker like gushing out. Ovulating is when you get the egg white it feels very wet down there.
Yeah and like milky and so I've never really had that. Maybe every now and then.
But so I was like, I just have a question about my discharge.
It's like milk.
Sometimes she's like, what do you mean?
I'm like, yeah, it's just like, you know, kind of all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, there's like milk running down my leg or something.
And she was like. You're lying.
No, really.
This is yesterday.
You can call her and yeah it's like all of a sudden it like gushes and you're like gushes i feel like
yeah it's like all all of a sudden it'll be like a oh i know that but it's not milk it's like
egg white it's sperm it's just sperm but it's not it's not as thick for me. Maybe, I don't know. Yeah, that's what's throwing me off.
I'm thinking of a thin milk.
Yeah, it's like a milky.
It's 1%.
It's like the top of the yogurt.
Yeah, it's a skim part.
Yeah.
Well, that's not milk on the top of the yogurt.
That's a clear.
The go-go queen knows all about it.
I know.
Is it gloopy, gloppy?
Gloopy and gloppy are the same thing.
They're not.
They're not.
Anyhow, she was like, I'll take a look.
So she goes in with the speculum.
Yeah, the speculum.
The little duck mouth.
Ugh, worst thing.
I used to ask for the small one, the small size.
So she goes in.
But now that I'd be fucking mad, it's a big one. One time the small one the small size so she goes but now that i'd be fucking
one time the small one got lost in you what happened why can't they my mom is calling
hey mom yes you called me
what are you calling
mom what you're gonna tell me something when you said hey mom i thought you were gonna tell me Yes? What are you calling for? What?
You're going to tell me something.
When you said, hey, Mom, I thought you were going to tell me something.
Yeah, what I was going to tell you is, like, what up?
Why are you calling?
Is that funny?
Wait, just before you say anything, you are on a podcast right now with me, Kalilah, and Esther.
Oh. Is she microwaving something? you say anything you are on a podcast right now with me kalilah and esther oh is she michael what was your first impression of esther like did you think i don't remember i think she met
my mom before she met me well she i know she did mom what are your thoughts about kalilah
i love kalilah oh but she said that like i love kalilah yeah like not esther
but i love kalilah my mom's obsessed with you well remember when we then i asked your mom
after she met your boyfriend would she think of him and she wouldn't she's like like a script
she would not stray from she kept saying saying, I've met him before.
I've met him before.
This is what I think of Esther.
Esther had in her mind what she wanted to do, and she went for it and was not going to stop at not getting it.
Translation is, and you haven't done it yet.
Like she did the interviews on the street.
She did all kinds of things.
I'm telling you, every single month maybe,
she'll reference something since I moved here that's like,
well, Astor did this.
You should have done this because Astor did it.
All parents do that.
Why don't you get back to stand-up?
Astor did it.
All parents do it.
A hundred percent.
Did you see?
She'll write to me, what what is this and it's a screenshot
of something you've just posted on Instagram
oh my god it's so annoying
and I'm like it's what it looks like
it's a picture of Esther
in front of a tree
well what
what is she doing
dude the last time I was home my mom
I was like mom am I
did I gain weight and she's well, if you have to ask.
It's like our mom is just like, you're never going to be good.
Set your mom free. Okay, mom, love you. We're gonna go. Thank you, Jerry. Bye.
That is true about you, Esther. What?
Say what you will about sweet little Esther,
but you have a fortitude and a persistence that is unmatched,
and I have so much respect for you. It's insane.
Thank you.
You want it, you get it.
It's like you have to be insane to do that.
Jenna, you guys, I'm going to plug it on her behalf
because she sucks at self-promotion.
I'm not great at self-promotion either, but she's worse than me.
Oh, the people.
Everyone knows I have the sweatiest armpits in Los Angeles.
And one of the things that I am never, despite having the sweatiest armpits, is smelly.
That's true.
You can attest to this.
She smelled my armpits.
And that is because Jenna has the best concoction
of homemade deodorants.
So everybody
go to
is it by Tia Jenna?
It's
oh which is also
a name that Esther
came up with.
It's called Pit Stop
by Tia Jenna.
Mm-hmm.
So the brand is
by Tia Jenna.
So where do you
gotta get it?
Go to my Instagram
and then
which is
Jenna Jumenez and then in the profile it says by Tia Jenna and you just to get it go to my instagram and then which is jenna jumenes and then in the
profile it says by tia jenna and you just click on it and follow or you can just go to i think
by tia it's in my instagram there is no kalila you go back to the promotion yeah and you shut
the fuck up shut the fuck up no but honestly this is i it's so crazy that this is something that you
make because literally i would not be able to show up at work without this it's so it's weird works
that's all it's like you fucking took your crazy wacko genius brain and you made something really
good and i'm like obsessed you know it sucks can i have some yeah there can be there can be no better test subject
than me you'd be hard pressed to find a better test subject or esther for smell
wetness for me smell of esther um and you did a fucking genius job so everybody go get pit stop
i'd be like me and esther you know what sucks is that i didn't so he always says she emotionally connects with the smell i do too yeah in fact when she feels anxious
sometimes she just goes yeah it's a very grounding smell my armpits look if you need a good whiff of
relaxation just smell my armpits and i started making it like six years ago but because i'm very
bad at business well i was okay stop talking there so go to
she's not bad at business pit stop tia jenna b-y-t-i-a-j-e-n-n-a on instagram and there's
an email it's where you can uh place your orders guys i'm the one that told her get a fucking
sticker with a label make it look real cute and she did finally esther was like come to me when
you want to be real about this we should should give her, do you like money?
Yeah, you guys.
Thank you so much for joining us on this special episode of our podcast slash YouTube show, whatever you want to call it.
Trash bag of slugs.
I'm so happy that people finally got to see Jenna on
because I know Jenna has a lot of fans out there.
We reference you so much.
Yeah, people.
And I'm also so happy for the people who don't know Jennaenna yet and now know that she's insane she's one of
us she's a slug she's a slug she's the og slug she's a busy slug though busy bodied slug always
busy bodied it's like what and i highly recommend following her i feel like there's so much everyone
can learn from her you are so sweet guys. See you next week. Bye.