Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Goblin Mode

Starting point is 00:00:00 After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel.

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Starting point is 00:00:58 offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint mobile for details this girl went viral because she wanted the baby shower gift back after her friend had a miscarriage

Starting point is 00:01:34 and i want to know your thoughts would we are we capable can you pull that up would you know what i mean if you it's like you're just gonna keep like an empty cradle at your house like right like it's like i might as well get my money back yeah yeah yeah you're doing me a favor yeah it's like i don't want to be reminded of this every second okay so like i i knew we'd both be i know like so you don't think that she's necessarily wrong how did she ask for it give it back the first the first one. Look, it's... Plus, we know you have some extra time now, okay?

Starting point is 00:02:07 It's certainly a tricky situation. There's no doubt about that. Okay, it's a $400 baby shower gift after a miscarriage. And the $400, do they say what it was? Okay. Last week, a woman on Reddit

Starting point is 00:02:21 sparked a debate after starting a thread. The user began by explaining that the woman she gave the gift to is a long-term family friend of her husband's. And the baby shower registry has a gift around. The thing that really sucks. This lady definitely orders fettuccine.

Starting point is 00:02:40 She's saying that both the man and the woman are like, they make over six figures who how did she ask not her nothing not the the recipient yeah the recipient her and her husband if it fell out um i do think you kind of cannot the lord already took the gift back from her right i mean and the thing that sucks is if you had a baby shower and then a miscarriage, that was probably a really late miscarriage. Yeah. Which is very traumatizing. It is.

Starting point is 00:03:13 It's really f***ed up. Or what if this woman knew she had a history of miscarriages? So she's like, I'm going to have this baby shower early so I get these presents. Interesting. The whole scandal. How did she ask for it? She was doing like tiktok talking shit or something it's not she says it's not something she can use for her older kid um okay so basically she's saying if it's going to sit in a box in her attic for years that's where we're getting stuck oh my god it's just you it's like

Starting point is 00:03:47 it's a gentle nudge like hey i think some things in life you gotta take the loss like once you spend the money you gotta just know no matter what it's not coming back yeah but i get it it does really suck because four hundred dollars is a lot. Yeah. Can you imagine? ZocDoc is a free app. You can find amazing doctors and book appointments online with thousands of top rated patient reviewed doctors and specialists. Go to ZocDoc.com slash trash and download ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash trash. ZocDoc.com slash trash. Go to DrinkSimplySpiked.com slash trash Tuesday to find out how to get your hands on new Simply Spiked Peach.

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Starting point is 00:05:06 20% off your order and free gummies. Hey sluggies and happy birthday America. What a fun episode we have today. I'm so excited to tell you I am still on the road. I love coming and performing for you guys. I'm getting my special ready. So my jokes are getting so good and I cannot wait for you to see them. You can see me next in South Carolina in Greenville July 28th and 29th I will be in my hometown of Philadelphia August 11th and 12th come to that one it's going to be wild bring me a cheesesteak I'm going to be in Calgary at the Outdoors Comedy Festival with Andrew Schultz August 27th and in San Francisco at Cobbs Comedy Club September 15th and 16th and Austin Texas October 6th and 7th there's also a bunch more

Starting point is 00:05:45 dates being added so go to annieletterman.com slash shows and also every thursday is my solo podcast annie wood where you can hear uh updates on my life and other weird little things all right guys i'll see you later hi slugs i'm back on the road doing stand-up it's so much fun and this month i will be in new york city i will be at jo's Pub July 19th through 23rd. We added a show on Sunday. I can't wait to see you guys there. And in September, I'll be in DC and then Boston at the Wilbur Theater. And I'm also going to be in Madison, Wisconsin, Detroit, Chicago, and San Diego. I cannot wait to see you guys. Get tickets at EstherOnIce.com. I love you. You're my best friend. Okay, bye. Welcome to the AI robot themed episode that will blow your mind about how futuristic we all are.

Starting point is 00:06:48 Yeah, we're looking towards the future. Well, your nipples are. I want to. Well, one is looking to the past and one is to the future. I know. I can't see where they are. Now, I think we got the bit right. I don't have to do it.

Starting point is 00:07:03 This isn't exactly how I pictured sexy robots, but it's not the worst case scenario. No, what I thought was gonna happen was they were gonna like fashion like boxes together and like, you know, there's like those like, what are those tubes for? And then you put them over the... Oh, like what they use for like... Like installation tubes or whatever? like what they use for like installation too yeah what our parents used to dress us up for halloween when they didn't want to buy us a costume get cardboard boxes and tell us what we are well my mom hand sewed all of my costumes so i can't really relate to that did she ever sew you into a costume did she ever sew your skin into wait a second let me get this straight the mom who neglected you but she was busy sewing and hand sewed all of your halloween costumes that's correct yes your honor that is

Starting point is 00:07:53 correct do you know what you wish she had said to you what do you wish that your mom had done differently i'm with you because we all have like some shit. Thank you. I know you'll know. We know the story. She was a perfect Martha from Handmaid's Tale. And she's a great mom. I love her. And she read to me. So I know I.

Starting point is 00:08:19 Oh, God. Did she teach you to read? I know your parents withheld reading from you. No, they were busy reading. They wouldn't allow you to read i know your parents withheld reading from you no they were busy reading they wouldn't allow you to read um i think it's so cute that your mom is like a legitimate writer and like you kind of can't read i know it it's twisted but she would always i always liked i would go into her bed and she would tell me the story of the book that she was reading. She would like tell me the, what was happening. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:49 Wait, that sounds fun. I loved that. Oh my God, I would love. It was almost like TV. It was like, oh, okay, I get like the TV version. I don't have to do this. Listen, that's so soothing when anyone that you love like explain something to you. I've noticed like since my dad is older, if i go to a restaurant with him and he's

Starting point is 00:09:06 like all confused like he's never been there before he loves it so much when i'm like okay here's this on this section like the pizzas are here you can get this like people where are you taking him as a cheesecake factory to be honest it's a very overwhelming menu what are speaking it is wait a second i want to get into this yeah no i have a lot to say about cheesecake factory so you just pause right there well no like i don't i'm not i have no objections to their interior design i think it's actually quite impressive what they do like i you know it's super i everything about it i don't give a shit about except for the fact that like the menu is everywhere it's it's there's too much they're too like option paralysis okay yes that's very that's

Starting point is 00:09:53 like a very basic first level complaint about cheesecake factory and i understand that we've all had it she's coming for you but more importantly nothing is good truly but the cheesecake that's my biggest complaint i've enjoyed many of things there i will say this because i agree i actually very much agree with both of you there was a almost there's like a distinct line in my life before and after learning the cheesecake factory was not good but like up until like 24 i thought it was the nicest restaurant that you could ever go to I thought every single meal was the best version of it I loved all the choices and then when I started dating Dave I was like we were in my hometown I was like we could go to the cheesecake

Starting point is 00:10:35 factory and he like I think there's no like income bracket or anything oh it defies I think it is like just on the sheer options alone the fact that one person can go get like an angel haired shrimp pasta and the other one can get nachos or what it's like this is well now i'm like what's going on in that kitchen if they know it's all frozen everything's disgusting and frozen like that's what i think like it's got to just be like huge freezer space that's okay so when i worked at hard rock cafe for two months before they opened and got fired before um did you want to clarify that it wasn't you like it wasn't the the guests came in and went we've got exactly before pre guests i was fired but they freaking like big restaurants like that they they use microwaves it's frozen like it is so it's bullshit

Starting point is 00:11:27 it's that's like that almost broke my heart more than like learning but on the side of the high volume of the restaurant think about how impossible that would be to be having fresh but what is this and making a profit what were other i restaurants? I'm team Cheesecake Factory. I'm not. I think that it's just every time a Filipino auntie comes to America for the first time, it's always like, let's go to the Cheesecake Factory because the perception or the image of it

Starting point is 00:11:57 on the other side of the world is as bougie as it gets. Before I came here, I used to think kenny rogers roasters was like the bougiest thing i could go to tgi i've never even heard of that place is that where you go and people are just mean do tony hinchcliffe brings you like a kenny rogers roasters had a restaurant the restaurant chain in the philippines and it killed really yeah it was like a line outside it was such a big deal when it opened like we flew to a different city just to try it did your dad look like kenny rogers a little bit with a white hair yeah wait do you have a beard your dad um he could have sometimes he did when he was depressed

Starting point is 00:12:34 he'd grow on did you have a restaurant where people were mean to you because we had that in chicago it was we oh we had i never went to it at de bevics and that was like the most we of course i loved it yeah like that was my most fun maybe that was like my comedic origin story was going to ed de bevics and getting a tent negative attention and it is true like you're paying to get it yeah like what else can i possibly do i wonder like does it get sexual like do some customers like pull their waitress aside and they're like here's tell me how small my dick is spit on my face wait what is that though like i would never go to a place like that i'd be terrified i'd go home so sad and cry because it's like fun and it's something to do i don't know

Starting point is 00:13:15 like well i started just the most likes being made fun of that than anyone on earth and also in the midwest when you're like a teenager there's nothing to do i don't know like yeah someone's gonna be mean to me well i always wanted to work at one of those places but i never wanted to be a customer i was like i know we experienced enough yes you know we weren't going to recreate our trauma at a restaurant when there's food involved let's just say i like to dish it out as your waitress can we if we ever have a sleepover, have like a little role play moment where you... Your awareness that it might not happen now is actually comforting. You need to hear this.

Starting point is 00:13:50 The hope has hurt. Me and Kyla are on a pretend date and you're our server and you're mean to us. Oh, we're doing this? Yeah. Let's do it right now. Okay. How many scenarios are we having at the sleepover? How many costumes should I be bringing?

Starting point is 00:14:07 We can be anywhere. Are we going to your parents' house? Don't even fucking float that out there because a sleepover at my parents' house in my parents' basement with you two, if you guys really want this show to be successful, spiritual things will happen. Your mom will be folding her clothes for you.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Wait, there is something really, like my favorite room in your home, even though all the rooms are like, the interior design is incredible, by the way. It's like perfect mid-century. But my favorite room in your house is your actual bed.

Starting point is 00:14:41 It's so comforting that all of your laundry is just like piled on top and you just sleep underneath it the one room where we have to keep the door closed dave doesn't let people i don't acknowledge that room as your bedroom because i when i was the closest with you that couch was your bedroom no i know i was going to say you know that that's technically dave's bedroom dave's full that's his full those clothes are just esther pretending to be next to him she just stuffed it to look like a person was there but that's sort of a um not a red flag but something

Starting point is 00:15:10 that kind of gives me pause like if i date a guy and i go to his home and everything is in its perfect place i feel so uncomfortable so when i go into someone's home and things are messy and i can squat on the floor and i don't really need to give a shit and i open their fridge and shit's everywhere there's comfort in that for me a million percent yes of course you don't want to go in and be like in trouble with someone like with the asap like products perfectly lined up in their bathroom like that is very american psycho and like this guy is gonna make my life like he's gonna complain about every sloppy thing that i do why are you worried worried about where the DNA is in your house? I know. I guess you guys are not invited to my house. Is it really clean?

Starting point is 00:15:48 Yeah. Always? Are you the one that keeps it clean? Yeah. I don't, you know, there's no blood or anything that I try to do. Yeah. No, but like, are you like, like, how do you relax at home? Like, I think because I work a lot at home, if everything is a mess, I can't focus.

Starting point is 00:16:10 You know, I just found out from my ketamine coach. I don't want to call this lady, but she was like, I don't know who this woman is. She wandered off the street. I said, OK, yes, you're in charge. I'll take the drugs. But she said that because I'm really working on like calming my central nervous system she said that you being in clutter leaves you in a state of fight or flight which makes so much sense but I am too paralyzed to fix it well no

Starting point is 00:16:37 there's a difference between living in a certain amount of clutter like I have like I do clean my room once a week my sheets are changed every week every week i cannot go with my sheets are you serious yeah because i don't like that i don't like being dirty like i have a hygiene clean clean than right no yeah so i can be messy but i'm really clean right like my bathroom my toilet is scrubbed once a week like there has to be some type of deep cleaning there has to be but i pay someone to do it i pay someone to do it because i when i see how they clean after my cleaning lady comes over and she cleans like the level of clean she doesn't like it's just not a possibility for

Starting point is 00:17:13 me like the the list of things it just wouldn't happen so i just it's like but she does scrub scrub up but i think fancy is right clean versus messy very two very different but i have okay i struggle with both because i mean obviously you could just be like messy and have some like clothes on the floor that you could wear again that aren't like that like dirty or whatever and then you can have like you know a tuna can that's open that's been sitting there and things are crawling in and out oh yeah it's a big no-no food uh food in my bedroom not allowed my i know my friend roomie came over recently and she was like well okay one thing to start is no fish wife in the bedroom okay that was polite i'm actually surprised you didn't like do a full clean before she came over because she's so pretty she came over when my mom was in town and my mom

Starting point is 00:17:56 was mid doing that so you thought it'd be good enough but she hadn't quite well also it's like i can't i am what i am like it's just it's a mess i'm messy especially in that bedroom it's not in good condition right well don't you think that like we have in common that our moms like did everything for us yeah and it is like i'm not mad at my mom for that obviously but it just makes it makes it a very painful thing like it's not in our bodies and so it's just harder and it does us a disservice it was like kalilah was like you know beaten and stuff yeah and so now look at her she's a clean toilet every week but i do have a question do you have to put rocks all down while you need to clean the toilet i have to like whip myself like every five you can wear a slim cap to do it with my goggles and a snorkel oh my god that's

Starting point is 00:18:48 true wait i have a question what about tin fish makes you think hmm i should eat this in bed well i think it's actually perfectly packaged for a bed snack myself is it a bed snack is tin fish a bed snack i have a good excuse i i think let me know but it was like a travel snack and so i was packing it it was you know it was in transition it wasn't it doesn't belong there but it did stay there longer than it like i didn't put it away in the kitchen which i should have done um i went home with a guy once in new york he was like a friend of a friend and i had a crush on him he was fat he was like a fat ugly guy but he was very. He was like a fat, ugly guy. But he was very funny, which was like my type. Because it's kind of like the Captain Save-A-Hose.

Starting point is 00:19:27 Like I had that, like where I was like, oh, I see that he's like hot, but no one else does. I love that we all have this issue. Yeah. I was like, I'll, you know, I'm going to be like the hottest girl he's ever had or whatever. Exactly. Yeah. I'm like, he's not going to be mean to me. He's not going to talk shit on me.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Because my whole thing is when I fucked my, when I lost my virginity to my boyfriend in high school when i was 14 he told everyone i was like bad and bad like it was a water bed he told everyone that i felt like a dead fish like a fish wife and um which was just like i mean i'm swimming sir sorry i'm 14 but it was so like i so then every time i like hooked up with someone i was so afraid they were gonna like spread rumors about me or whatever that's very traumatic so but whatever he ended up in jail because i framed him no but um but i went home with this guy and i was like you know he's just a little rougher on the edges i like a chubby guy or whatever his place was and i'm a messy person it was the most disgusting thing and the fact seen in my life.

Starting point is 00:20:27 And the fact that he didn't even try to clean it. And then he, like, wasn't that into me. Like, it was, like, so hurtful. I remember he was watching Tim and Eric. I just, like, stayed at his house and we watched Tim and Eric for, like, you know, a full day or something. And I just, like, I just started liking Tim and Eric again, like, three years ago. Like, he ruined Tim and Eric for me. I was like, this guy was so good i hate that he had bo too and bo is cute though if the person is nice but i um to your point the people who have been meanest to me have been

Starting point is 00:20:57 ugly dudes i've hooked up with there was this one guy i slept with who was a friend with of a friend and i honestly thought I was being so charitable because I'm like, there's no way this guy- Yeah, I'm not gonna write this off on my taxes. Yeah, like there's no way this guy, like I knew the last girl he hooked up with. And like, I mean, I was like, there's no way in hell he's gotten any kind of pussy

Starting point is 00:21:17 in the last like six years of his life. You know, I got a little tipsy. He was really nice at first. But the amount of things he said about me after he slept also about my appearance by the way yes i know it's like i was way out of his league completely out of his league to the point where my friends were like kalilah are you sure you want to do this i'm like yeah and i did and he was like oh yeah like her ass wasn't fat enough for me like so many complaints he's got really disgusting traps it's

Starting point is 00:21:46 like they're really chubby big trap she needs a little botox on those traps but like mean shit and i was like wait a second nice said this his name was just bleep that out but i couldn't believe it and so i think i think they're meaner or they Or they sense our arrogance and that pisses them off. Like they sense that we're coming in, like I could do whatever. It's like, and then they're like, I'm going to show this bitch. Because they do show us.

Starting point is 00:22:14 I think he's anticipating me saying, yeah, I went slumming. You think that's it? That's what I think. I think it's funny. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm, as in funny, when you go like cocky into a situation and the guy just completely has no interest in you. It happens to me all the time. It's like whenever I'm like, I got this. secure and have such low self-worth that they know that you are so shiny and special and beautiful

Starting point is 00:22:48 that they know oh i can't have this girl like i had her for i had a taste i can't have her permanently so they they they have to dig at you because they have low self-worth well what if they think we're bitches for coming in all cocky and thinking that they are fat but they were objectively but also i would have slept with him multiple times like it could have been a thing if i hadn't heard through the grapevine no no he said my ass wasn't fat enough it's his insecurity about himself was he broke is it healthy for us to think this or not which one's the healthiest way and i also don't think you went in there cocky it's not like you're like let me fuck you you ugly pig you might have liked that actually you were probably really no i actually really liked him and was like oh my god am i gonna date this guy yeah

Starting point is 00:23:33 have you guys ever been on the hunt for a new doctor and you ask literally everyone you know for a recommendation and you go to that doctor and it's still not a great experience. Yeah, because it's really hard to find doctors that will actually listen to you, actually take time with you and also impossible to find specialists. That's why ZocDoc has fixed my life. And it's great too because it's on an app. You can find out if they take your insurance. You can get appointments as soon as 24 hours. I've done it with a dentist. I've done it with a neurologist.

Starting point is 00:24:07 It's been unbelievable. ZocDoc is my favorite app. ZocDoc is a free app where you can find amazing doctors and book appointments online. We're talking about booking appointments with thousands of top-rated patient review doctors and specialists. You can filter specifically for ones who take your insurance, are located near you, and treat almost every condition you're searching for. These docs all have verified reviews from actual real patients, not bots. And the average wait time to see a doctor booked on ZocDoc is between just 24 to 48 hours. That's it.

Starting point is 00:24:36 And you can even score some same-day appointments. No, ZocDoc rules. I had a toothache at 11 p.m one night and I had a dentist appointment the next day that's amazing and the dentist was so awesome and it was a beautiful it was like such a good experience I love ZocDoc and once you find the doc you want you can book them immediately like Annie said with just a few app taps no more waiting awkwardly on hold with a receptionist go to ZocDoc.com slash trash and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash trash. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com

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Starting point is 00:27:09 Simply Spiked Co., Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Celebrate responsibly. Simply Spiked is a trademark of the Simply Orange Juice Company. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver

Starting point is 00:27:39 premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel. George is a busy guy. He takes the most business calls and the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with plans starting at 15 bucks a month. And all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. That is such a steal. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday.

Starting point is 00:28:18 That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. What are your thoughts on financial slavery?

Starting point is 00:28:45 Explain. There are men out there in real relationships, like married, who find women either, like, not necessarily even cam girls. They find these relationships on the Internet where a woman financially enslaves them. enslaves them and they like the feeling of being like held like like the threat of being like i gotta give it all to her in secrecy because i have a wife i have kids i have all of these things and they're like just addicted to the feeling of being dominated financially well yeah that makes sense like i get it from like a submissive i always think that too like when i spend money on someone it's kind of submissive of me it's like oh you can have it like so i kind of understand the angle there but that is i mean that's cool for those girls that's cool i think okay so i think i've had

Starting point is 00:29:42 boyfriends so i've never dated someone who's like super rich. I've dated guys that like have a lot of money, but they're not very generous. That's a thing. Yeah, we're like, that's weird. Dude, I dated a guy who was 15 years my senior. They're always older too. Made $12,000 a day, I remember, because I was his assistant. Then we opened the shop together.

Starting point is 00:30:04 You dirty little bitch came into work like hi papa it's a shop girl and um he couldn't even spring like 60 a night for a travel lodge when we would travel like for work together he would make me sleep in the back of a fucking kitchen of a restaurant his friend owned and i was like like well there's crisco boxes around he made me shower at a 24-hour fitness because the place didn't have hot water and so like he was that fucking cheap he paid for himself to have a nice place no he would like sleep you know and i'm just like my eczema is flaring because mine was more like he didn't want to like he would feel like i was like taking advantage of him or something and i'm like you just you just, I'm like, I have no money.

Starting point is 00:30:45 You have tons of money. This was when I was like so broke and I was dating this guy. And he got in a fight with me over, I had accidentally left my credit card at home and we were going to do a, we were shopping for him for a thing that he wanted to do. So I went shopping with him, right? There was nothing I was getting out of this,

Starting point is 00:31:02 except I was just helping him, you know? I was just getting like people pleaser points. you might know this story and then and I was like oh I left my credit card my debit card at my house can you get my parking uh-huh not like we're valeting like can you get my like a dollar for two hours parking he was like this is a i'm never spending another i mean i was literally there doing something for him and i was so mad i was like just what the but it was more of like the power thing like he was like you can't take my money i'm like what like when we go out to eat when i'm helping you if i'm working with something on you all day with you on something all day and then we go out to eat like you aren't paying like buy my meal

Starting point is 00:31:46 buy my yes i helped you i was like your unpaid intern all day basically buy my meal side note i would let donut financially enslave me like i want to be dominated by donut that's not a good that means she's got some expensive bills i just paid this past week four thousand dollars for diagnostics and there is no diagnosis for my dog what like so there's owning a pet is financial slavery in california in the united states yeah it's like every tiny thing if you choose to have a dog unless you know what i mean like you just i just i want her to i want her to own my ass she does okay but like i want her to like you want her to drive you around kind of i want her to piss on my face like i love that can easily be we can do that put a little grass in your mouth i understand

Starting point is 00:32:37 a little grass patch that's great she's having your mouth like this when men like want like a woman to dominate them like like I understand it. Do you do the thing Whitney does where the whole face you open your mouth and her whole head goes in your mouth? No, no. Yeah. Whitney really like tongues down. I know she did that to one of my foster puppies and I was like, oh, that one's got worms. That one's got worms.

Starting point is 00:33:00 Careful. She's like, I don't care. Do you guys, I need to ask you this. Do you think, I think about this all the time. Do you think our dogs really love us or are we just like their source of food and safety? I think Randy loves me. He freaks out when I come home from the airport. He like, and he misses me when I'm gone.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Because you feed him. You think I feed him. That's funny. You don't feed him. You don't do anything for him. You guys are brothers you guys are little siblings todd's children todd has all these frogs and shit now it's so annoying todd just more attention to us have us frogs is the best like storyline ever that's literally all

Starting point is 00:33:39 anyone is now it's like a terrarium dog wait kal, Kalilah, do you think your dogs actually love you or is it just like your food? You do? Can you tell me why? They just do, Esther. It's very clear. You need more therapy. Something's wrong with you. I just,

Starting point is 00:33:53 I want to know that she's not a little like slave. Like she's, we are, we've captured them. Why is it that after I feed my dogs and they've gotten

Starting point is 00:34:02 everything they need from me, do they still want to be like pushed up against me and be close and show me like affection okay when their stomachs are full and they need nothing else from me they still want to be close to me okay I just can't believe it Randy's just so cute I can't believe him the love is I know it like I want to be staring at her all day. Something is really going on. Everything looks like him. Everything I see, I'm like, I look like Brandi right now, Esther. So insulting.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Do you guys watch any Shira videos? Sprinkle, sprinkle. Yes. I saw this clip of her. She's this woman who gives basically like life dating like advice. She's incredible and she's so no bullshit. But she basically she was talking about like ratchet foods you shouldn't order on a date. Or is it on a first date or at a restaurant?

Starting point is 00:34:57 I'd say beans. No, I saw this clip and I literally was like I knew what the first one was gonna be because it was something that my sister orders and I'm like please don't let it be what my sister gets and it was fettuccine alfredo it was the first on her list do not order this on a date it's a ratchet food I forgot the other ones though that is like a because when you eat fettuccine alfredo like splatters too it's like not like a hot thing to eat in front of someone on a first date i don't even know why but instinctually i knew it was going to be that and i still i don't have an explanation why i think it's because it's a very like basic introductory type of pasta that's on every menu in existence even mall food oh well one time yeah

Starting point is 00:35:40 dave and i took my sister to an italian that was pretty nice. They didn't have it on the menu. And she asked if they could make it for her. And we did. And that experience just lingering in my life. I knew that was going to be on there. Should have taken her to Cheesecake Factory. She loves Cheesecake Factory. Guys, I was looking at my phone earlier.

Starting point is 00:35:58 I want to explain to you why. I got a comment. I did Josh Potter's podcast. And someone wrote a comment on it. This was like four weeks ago. And they said, I went to a Halloween party at the College of Santa Fe and I swear Annie was there. It was like 20 years ago. I was dressed like a slutty robot with a dryer tube for my wang i don't okay and this dude said hey you gotta meet my friend and he introduced me to a girl that had star-shaped tinfoil nipple pasties he tried to get us to hang out because we kind of matched maybe i'm wrong but i'm keeping the dream alive and i'm like oh no that's me really just pasties i don't remember these things and then well it was a they said it was a robot party and i was like i don't have a robot costume so i just didn't i was called flashing annie in

Starting point is 00:36:50 college i was always flashing my boobs so i just went topless and just had pasties super cute i love that a youtube commenter found you they found i feel like you guys need to rekindle. Oh, God. There's an ex-Julie commercial. Wait, let's go back to Ratchet Foods. Yeah. Because I want to know, like, what other foods do you guys think would be Ratchet to order on a first date? One time I went out with my manager, my old manager, and I ordered a lobster. Okay. I feel like that's good.

Starting point is 00:37:24 And cracking open a lobster in front of someone. It was just us. I was like, and I just like got in this big deal. And I was like, and he was paying for it. So I was like, you know, and it was, it really was pretty disgusting. Lobster is incredible because they never even put the price. If it's a fancy place, they put MP. But you look like trash.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Here's the thing. It's like a high class immediately to trash. I mean, there's just stuff all over your face. You're like sucking the little legs and stuff. I wanted to read you guys something that. What other foods do you think? Now, I literally can't think like, I don't know. But I think like pad thai, if you go to like a thai restaurant, you order pad thai. It's like, it's not bad, but you're just like, you're not exciting.

Starting point is 00:38:03 You're not showing that you have like world experience. Or that you're willing to try things. Or like you're only ordering the pad thai and then the satay. Yes. Like just the skewers and then that's it. Did you guys find out my order? Oh my God. We're just cleaning your house.

Starting point is 00:38:18 Can I tell you guys what fancy order did McDonald's drive through? Like when we all went to order as a family. You guys. Bob already grilled me for this. I mean, a burger, but no tomatoes, no lettuce, no nothing. Just the bread and the meat and nothing else. And it's the longest order because it's like... Is it because it's too dirty if the other things are on it?

Starting point is 00:38:43 No, I just, I'm picky. I mean, not just picky, you guys. us order because it's like is it because it's too dirty if the other things are on it no i just i'm picky i mean not just picky you guys like he eats two things and two things only right that is that's scary what do you get from mcdonald's probably a quarter pounder with cheese or um you know a bigger nugget like not a happy meal size but six to eight to twenty i've not not gotten a 20 piece definitely extra sweet and sour sauce um fries obviously fries and sweet and sour sauce yes yes they used to give honey they used to have a little honey and i like to dip the fries in honey that was my thing when i was a kid i i hear you on that but for me the sweet and sour sauce is like it's my whole spirit that's are you a fish

Starting point is 00:39:26 i've had it but i don't like the tartar sauce it's fine but yeah sweet and sour sauce feels ratchet to me have you guys heard of this restaurant that was fake completely fake it's a very high-end fake restaurant that's a journalist created and they did exactly what you guys were describing he created this hype took pictures of great food and then he was just microwaving that whatever he got at the supermarket but people because the experience and everybody gave great reviews and thought the experience was great so that you know kind of like he did it to demystify a little bit this the culture of that okay that is here but also this is what bobby and i argue about all day long like so he's a guy who cares about like reputation ambiance like the

Starting point is 00:40:12 whole experience like i go into places like i don't care if they serve my food with a fucking like rat on top of it like if the food is fucking good it's good i don't care parking with shit i don't care if the service was bad like i objectively just want to try the food is fucking good, it's good. I don't care if parking was shit. I don't care if the service was bad. I objectively just want to try the food. So when I see Yelp reviews, which is a super chewy thing, I never trust how many stars. That's why three and a half stars, I think, is the sweet spot, we said. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:37 For certain places, because people are like, just tell me if the food is good or not. If the food doesn't taste good, I don't. I'm out. I want good taste. But they did this with Payless, didn't they? Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:46 They had this fake new like branded shoe that was hyped over weeks and weeks and weeks. And they did like a pop up. And these shoes were like $500. But really, they were just all Payless shoes. And everyone was like, these are extra comfortable. And I really feel the quality of these shoes. But they were just all Payless shoes. And everyone was like, these are extra comfortable. And I really feel the quality of these shoes, but they were $20 shoes. But by the way, Payless is actually expensive

Starting point is 00:41:08 for what it is. It used to be much cheaper though. Payless, I was always like this, it kind of reminds me of like IHOP where you're like, why are you, you're competing with Denny's right now. Like Denny's is like giving you everything, okay? I feel like though about Target,

Starting point is 00:41:21 it's like things at Target, well, I mean, everything is expensive because of inflation right now, but I definitely feel like Target is not cheap target's never been cheap target's expensive at least i think so the furniture everything there is expensive to me i like i'm so afraid of like being tricked in that way because i will go to a restaurant and i will like the problem is is that any bread any cheese is good so like when i'm in a nice restaurant and i'm just loving their bread and cheese you're afraid it's like wonder bread well i'm just like

Starting point is 00:41:56 how big of a deal is this really it's fucking bread like anyone can do like i don't know i just think that's why i like when a restaurant does a vegetable or a salad really good because I'm like, that is impressive to me. But if you're like making the world's best grilled cheese, like anyone can make that. It's just bread and cheese. It's amazing. I like any food that's good. But if you give me something overcooked, like it's going to just be like I want my money back. Like I really like an overcooked like salmon or an

Starting point is 00:42:25 overcooked steak it's like it's not edible how do you get salmon wrong is my question it's so it's like it's quick guys like it's a quick cook like when i when it's like cooking it like i'm like ew it's like dry it's i'm just it's unacceptable but everything else i don't care things to cook okay the other thing is if a place place like we make the best burger? I'm like, Burger King is so fucking good. Like, how is it that much better than Burger King? I could just go to Burger King. Are you still Monty's-ing?

Starting point is 00:42:53 What? Oh, sorry. Go ahead, you. Are you still going to Monty's? No, I'm way out of the vegan. Over vegan shit, yeah. I have a confession that might really upset you you but I've actually never had Burger King burger like in my life you would love a Whopper Junior

Starting point is 00:43:09 I've never had a Whopper in my life guys I like In-N-Out I'm sick of people not liking it I love In-N-Out I don't know if I'm talking about you but I mean other people don't like it but those are just the naysayers who just kind of want to knock your joy and I like those fucking weird shitty little flash fried potato like the fries are like so like they sliced a potato and just made fries out of them

Starting point is 00:43:29 it's just everything tastes good as hell everything's great there yeah and i believe that the whopper is delicious in fact like i haven't had a shitty fast food burger or a fast food item like everything is good yeah that's why i understand how that guy got away with like scamming people because food if it's like fat and salt it tastes good it doesn't have to be anything special um on the uh who is america the sasha show that I worked on back in the day um we did one prank where they we told sasha dressed up like a chef and he told um this food critic that the food that he was eating was like a dead person that it was a person and that the family had like donated the body and the and the guy was like savoring it he was like it was really dark funny that is so dark I came across

Starting point is 00:44:23 this post um on Instagram I don't know how real this is, but it seems like a Reddit post. And it says, how do I stop my husband from going goblin mode during sex? My husband says goblin mode activated. activated when we start having sex he growls and acts like a caveman and then says goblin mode off when we stop and then pretends to not know what i'm talking about when i ask him about it that is absolutely unacceptable it's not okay have you had a partner go in and out of character like without your permission fuck no have you no have? I feel like you have. Come on. We know. It's like you bang actors. These are actors.

Starting point is 00:45:10 This is theater majors. This is what it is. It's like theater majors that didn't pursue their dreams. And then they got to get it out somewhere. And you're like, oh, my God. I guess this is a one girl show because I'm the only one in the audience. Wait, what is goblin mode? Like, what does he do, you think? It sounds like. Just puts on a voice that's so unhot well or is he like you know gobbling going is he just

Starting point is 00:45:31 growling it's at least goblin mode sounds like you're excited and energized and you're gonna be going down there for a while okay so i i do there's two things i think here one is i guess that's so annoying because it's like un-hot what he's doing. But also, if you love him and you married him, it's like, can't you just like try to? No. Because Todd does annoying things, not during sex, but like Todd will like, he'll start like saying a thing that he saw in a meme over and over again. And when I start to get annoyed, like he'll be like, there was like this video about this kid that like, he's like, I love check-in.

Starting point is 00:46:07 So then Todd will just start saying check-in. And it's like, okay. Do you have sex? No, no, no. Oh, I was going to say. But I'm just saying, this can relate.

Starting point is 00:46:14 This can relate. You know, where it's like, I know what you mean. Right? And it's like, and I want to be like, I hate, like, I want to be like,

Starting point is 00:46:21 I hate, please stop doing this. And it's annoying. And then when I just leaned into it, it's like, heys me now like I just like oh I love him and he wants to say chicken and he can say chicken but could you because there's something about sex that I feel like because that I understand that but sex like it is there is a compatibility element where like in that zone in that specific act you kind of need to be on the same page and it sounds like these two are just so clearly incompatible they're in different worlds they're married so there was a compatibility so i think that it's like you do have control over if you

Starting point is 00:46:54 let go of your weird thing i think you can i think you can think your partner's hot even if they're doing goblin but also i think this is what i used to do do when people if you kind of overdo it to them. So if she came in and was like goblin mode back or whatever, he would be like, oh, you know, like, of course, the guy would be like, oh, you're disgusting. Yeah. Just do it back to him until he stops. That's really good advice. I didn't write that. OK. Like no one's gone goblin mode on me. I think we don't think they did.? No, I know. Like, no one's gone goblin mode on me, I think.

Starting point is 00:47:25 We don't think they did. Oh. Now I want it. Nah. Nobody thinks that. You just say it like that to you, and you're like, ew. Okay, so I recently posted the video of us from our show, a clip where we're talking about, oh, choking insects. You thought I said insects was i the

Starting point is 00:47:46 only person you weren't i in fact should i not make an incest joke after that i don't know it was lost i lost that but dave literally goes oh you choking insects and i was like okay wow but so one of dave's friends this writer steve healy saw it and then he like came upon this amazing like i think culturally shifting concept or he pointed out a flaw in our culture which is that choking we call it choking during sex but it's not choking it's strangling strangulation like choking is like there's something caught in my throat but all of our culture calls this choking and it's literally strangling so we have to like correct that we have to go back in time and edit and scarier because here's the thing strangling

Starting point is 00:48:37 is scarier it's like murdery word no i know but that's what it is yeah so it's like sexual strangulation yes ss ss ss trooper but this is whoever invented choking during sex is an idiot and used the wrong word yeah so good one good one not you someone else's take that you brought to the podcast good one steve what's his name steve yeah is it is it dave's nightmare that you brought to the podcast? Good one, Steve. What's his name, Steve? Yeah. Is it Dave's nightmare that his colleagues are watching you do a little bit of both? Yes, of course. And then commenting like, hey, I saw this. I have a take. 100%. Well, whether you're new to cannabis or an old pro, are you guys old pros?

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Starting point is 00:52:24 Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Statement mobile for details. Are you a person who returns things after ordering from Amazon? Do you repackage it, print the label? That is a pipe dream. I get things. I'm always like, I'll just order extra.

Starting point is 00:52:45 I'll return it. I order twice sometimes. Sometimes I order two. I have two of like some really expensive things and I just like can't. They, the psychology of this, like they know what they're doing. They know we're never going to return it. It's so hard to return things. Am I wrong?

Starting point is 00:53:00 I did it for the first time this week. I returned a headboard. You got a headboard on Amazon? I did because it's for like an extra room that I don't really care about. And I got the wrong size. And I was so angry at myself. And I returned it. I didn't pack it up myself, though.

Starting point is 00:53:18 And I didn't drop it off myself. I asked someone else to. I just printed the label. I printed the label. I sent it to their email. And they dropped it off for me. Poor Jules. Poor Jules.

Starting point is 00:53:33 Returns are like that's probably the biggest issue second to climate change. Actually, no, bigger than climate change. Similar to because of all the boxes. Yeah. Like for our age group is like us thinking that we'll be able to do returns and then not i'm gonna run on this platform well i feel yeah i want to ask you guys this question so you remember how we had that episode where the boot that i just bought had two nails sticking upward and it impaled my foot yes and you still wore it as some weird

Starting point is 00:54:01 filipino thing as a crucifixion. You had to go to the bathroom and jerk off? With you guys? They didn't allow a return because they have an overall store policy of no returns, which I didn't know about. I didn't know that stores did this, but apparently they're like, no, you can't. I'm like, no, do you actually impale? You see these nails and she touched them. She was like, yep, they're there. She you can't i'm like no do you actually impale like you see these nails and she touched them she was like yep they're there she's like i'm sorry like that's just our store policy and i've never been mad at you guys i was like look at the holes in my feet

Starting point is 00:54:35 that's not okay like i have holes in my feet we gotta sue them we have a lawsuit here we have a lawsuit but they said nothing and they were like here's some store credit i'm like i am i don't shop here regularly but here's what it is this I'm like, I don't shop here regularly. But here's what it is. This is what it is. Because in their defense, they're such a costumey. Can I say the brand? Do you care?

Starting point is 00:54:52 I don't care. It's Dolls Kills. It's all costumes. So it's like a place where people must wear it once and then return it all the time. Yeah. So I understand that. But in this case, I was like. Yeah, no, fuck that.

Starting point is 00:55:04 And it wasn't necessarily, it wasn't exactly cheap. It was like $200. Yeah, no, understand that. But in this case, I was like... Yeah, no, fuck that. And it wasn't necessarily, it wasn't exactly cheap. It was like $200. Yeah, no, it's unacceptable. No, I would like my money back if that's okay. But it's not her fault either. It just is their policy that I wasn't aware of. They're like, we'll exchange it, basically. Yeah, we'll give...

Starting point is 00:55:17 Yeah. Things are not the way they used to be. Like, I hate to sound like an old person, but I feel like when you were young, like, quality brands, like, they don't, there's nothing, they don't care about us. Somebody's been vintage tea shopping. It's me. She's like, these old t-shirts.

Starting point is 00:55:34 They don't care about us. I feel like Nordstrom used to be able to return anything and now they're kind of like, they get kind of nasty. Well, your name's in the system. Yes. We abuse Nordstrom's return policy. That's why. I remember buying things from other stores and knowing that I couldn't return it back to them. So I'd go to Nordstrom's and Nordstrom's would take it even though it wasn't something I bought at Nordstrom.

Starting point is 00:55:56 Now they're strict. It has to have the little Nordstrom sticker on it. Yeah. For good reason because I abused them. I abused them for years. I want to go in and steal one of those sticker pads. That'd be awesome. I feel like they, it would have to be a, no, it'd have to be a sticker that is associated

Starting point is 00:56:13 with the specific item. I knew a girl from Open Mics back in the day who, and she's fine now. She's, I think she's regular now, but she would, all the urban outfitters like sale you know urban outfitters would do like crazy sales like things would be cut down like you'd be like oh my god this is seven dollars I spent you know 75 on it last week she like knew when the sales were happening and stuff so she would go to different places and like buy them she had this whole hustle of like buying and returning that was like to the point where it's like that can't like if you break down like per hour what you're making it can't be that much money for the amount of like different locations and shit but I was very guilty of I would test

Starting point is 00:56:55 drive especially when I was first doing like Chelsea Lately and all these like panel tv shows um because I was making not that much money and I was pretty broke. I would like fly out and basically make, I'd basically break even on what I was making on the show for my flight. And then I have to get an outfit and I want to look cute, I'm on TV. So I would like get an outfit, wear it,

Starting point is 00:57:17 and then return it. Yeah, I think that's fine. I feel like we all did that. With our pits though? I did that for, when I was on it at midnight, I would order from Revolve, wear it and return it. Oh my God, Revolve.

Starting point is 00:57:28 And I'm definitely on a list with them. A revolving door, we are Revolve. No, Revolve is the one, I've definitely like made their money back for when you've done that because that Revolve is where I keep ordering two of these expensive ass sweaters and shit. We're in net even for Revolve.

Starting point is 00:57:43 We're going to all just have to dress like twins a bunch not because i'm like being codependent but because i've literally ordered the same thing so many times so you're welcome revolve i like it makes me so mad like i got fruit from whole foods last week and the raspberries you get them home they're like there's mold in them when i was in my 20s i had the energy to return fruit. At 35, like I just, it's just a loss. I'm like, I can't even afford to buy fruit because so much of it is not good. And I'm not going, I'm not going back in the store and returning it, even though I should.

Starting point is 00:58:16 Raspberries are a very delicate fruit. They go bad pretty quickly. But to get home, it's like, can't. But also, Esther, I mean, not to like like this isn't your fault because but you have to be asian about the way you choose fruit i sit there and i stare at fruit you ever see those old asian grandmas the way they look at fruit the way they suss it out the way they like bring it to the light they feel like you have to you have to choose it carefully i know my my mom and dad are both really good at that like I've seen my dad just

Starting point is 00:58:45 like pull out a chair at the Costco blueberry section he's got different glasses on like he's opening and it almost like caused me anxiety where then Dave. He puts on like a jeweler. Yeah no he's so good and like literally when my dad is has has gotten Costco blueberries I'm like I know these are going to be the best fucking blueberries anyone could ever find. And then Dave is the opposite. I literally joke about this, like with my family privately behind his back. In front of camera? That Dave buys his fruit like this.

Starting point is 00:59:19 I guess he comes home with like the nastiest, most bruised. Like whenever I'm like, no bruises. Let's just start there. Let's try that. Like he sucks at it. Don't strangle the grapes before you get them but now almost like how if i was the child of like a famous like a very talented like actor or something like i get so much anxiety when it comes to picking out fruit because i'm like i could never follow in my appearance oh yes i'll never be as good as them but i used to think it was just a

Starting point is 00:59:45 guy thing that you guys just didn't know how to choose fruit correctly but basically like if because i i when i order like instacart and i look at someone's face like my the person doing my shopping for me immediately i know if i'm getting good fruit or shit fruit like if it's a guy you look at their face like you're looking at the fruit. You're like, hold up the light. It's true. If it's an older person and they have like a foreign name,

Starting point is 01:00:14 I'm like, my fruit's going to be incredible. If I have some 25 year old, like Scott, my fruit is coming in smushed and moldy. Scott with one T is going to fuck you up.

Starting point is 01:00:25 You're not wrong, dude. In the pandemic, you guys know my friend, John, like he was once going to, it was like the first two weeks of the pandemic. He was going to the grocery store and I was like,

Starting point is 01:00:35 please, all I need, get me garlic. He comes over. He has onions. He's like, here's your, I'm like,

Starting point is 01:00:44 you don't, men don't know the difference between garlic and onions they're they're so how is that possible can you imagine that i don't think we can say all men because i think you have to kind of like look at this and no but you have to look at this this situation because like would you rather get food delivered from me or Todd okay Todd is a man and I own would you rather get food delivered and I think you know the answer I think we all know the answer okay who's gonna get you the better food okay but I have an argument against that because women we do have literal better brains for details or something about like we have to keep the baby safe we have something in the baby cute i actually think if you i 100 believe if you were going to go pick

Starting point is 01:01:31 out fruit i think you could do a good job if it was for an art project or something like if someone was like all right we need if it was for something that wasn't i just don't if you care i don't. If you care. I don't care about, like, I'm not a chef. I'm not, like, I eat, like, when I remember. Wait, I feel like this. I eat, I don't, it's not like I'm not. Gobbling mode. I don't like overcooked salmon. I don't like, oh, yeah. This is what you did.

Starting point is 01:01:59 That's how I feel. I just shove, I shove. Wait, I would look if Todd was in look if Todd was my Instacart guy. I would put his picture to the light. I'd be like, is he Asian? Or is he Hispanic? I can't tell. But if I decide that he's Asian, I'd be like, oh, I'm getting good fruit.

Starting point is 01:02:18 Yeah, there's some trust here. But the name Todd is definitely a red flag. It would not be good. No, because Filipinos like to name their kids, like, the whitest names ever. Asians love white names. No, his mom can't say Todd. It's Todd. Todd.

Starting point is 01:02:34 We keep saying Todd, and I was like, we're going to build an empire. That's so cute. I love her so much. I'm, like, so excited to be, like, mixing in on this Asian lifestyle here. I'm, like, so much. I'm like so excited to be like mixing in on this Asian lifestyle. I'm like, so I'm like, I just love his mom, his crazy sister, his crazy aunts. Like, it's so good. I feel that way too about Dave's parents. I'm like, oh, I'm finally getting like loving Jewish parents who are proud of me, who think I'm special, who laugh when I say something. Your parents are obsessed with you so crazy your dad is laughs at everything you say they're like they look down on me like I think they they're excited that I have success but they just look at me like this little like speck of dust you got

Starting point is 01:03:16 that from them I feel like that's is it a a shit pile feeling? Not to bring up episode one. Oh, my God. Episode one cut to a clip. Oh, my God. But I will say I'm dedicating this summer to committing to a lifestyle of fruit. I really want to pick out this you coming out you're like I'm a fruit I want to pick out good fruit I want to be confident about it I want to have amazing blueberries and strawberries I want to be a berry house is this you're saying you're

Starting point is 01:03:58 having your dad come move he's moving in Todd got a bunch of um fruit because he Todd's always like I'm gonna go to the grocery store do you want? It's always when I'm on the road or something. And I'm like, yeah, just something healthy. And so he gets for himself like Oreos, Doritos. And then he gets me like grapes, bananas. He got I was eating some grapes that he got and they were so good today. And he was like, I've that before i was like what he's like you eating fruit i'm like you're such a musician i can't believe you live with someone who eats doritos and oreos that sounds honestly that sounds really difficult but it's not but i want to hold space for you no but can i tell you it's so like kind of pathetic to watch someone eat like that or just like this is and he's just so young and he's 29 so it's like i'm looking at him like this is not And he's already like gets like stomach. But I'm like, this is crazy. You're doing this.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Remember? When I was smoking weed, it was bad. When I was smoking weed, it was. I, Bobby stayed at my place while I wasn't there. And he stayed at my place for like two weeks. And I came back and the whole cupboard was chocolate. I don't know if you know what chocopie is. But it's like an Asian like dessert. But it's like every know if you know what chocopie is, but it's like an Asian like dessert.

Starting point is 01:05:06 But it's like every single flavor, matcha chocopie, like boxes and boxes and boxes. And under my bathroom sink, all like the cheapest like Axe products. Yeah. And I'm like, I cannot believe. Well, you know, he didn't bring girls over. He had nothing to offer them. I cannot believe. Well, you know, he didn't bring girls over.

Starting point is 01:05:23 He had nothing to offer them. But I just was like this. The amount of snacks that he was able to accumulate like in two weeks. I was shocked by. Well, I just you know, I have somehow detached that type of codependency. Like I've gotten over that where it's like we have to eat the same things. So brave. But it took a long time. I mean, I've had boyfriends where I'm like, we can't eat same things. That's so brave. But it took a long time.

Starting point is 01:05:46 I mean, I've had boyfriends where I'm like, we can't eat like this. We can't eat like this. But do you have, so here's where it gets a little difficult for me. Like one of the most bonding things I can do with a partner, especially when we first meet, is like bond over food. Like eating is such a joy for me,

Starting point is 01:06:00 especially when someone eats, likes the same stuff as me. So that's where it becomes a problem because we have this thing that we love to do together. So even when the whole conversation of like, we can't keep doing this, we got to start eating healthy. Like it never happens. And you just both balloon together. No, but Todd has, he's has restraint. He stops, he stops eating. It's so annoying. It's it's just so annoying too because it's like it's like all right are we gonna get fat together oh no i'm gonna get fat next to you while you like

Starting point is 01:06:29 dabble in some snacks i'm actually relieved to hear you guys say this because i always joke like i'm like me and dave have so much in common we both love to eat like we're so similar but like that is something we bond over and i'm always like everyone fucking eats but also my mom is like that where she can have like three chips and put the bag away how do people do that like a chip clip i've never owned a chip clip i don't need a chip clip oh i buy the clips they just never i've never i've never needed a chip clip in my life why are they wet today did you lube them up for us aren't they so loose for andres and say he did not lube them up for us it's definitely not what he did he was cleaning them he probably did clean them did you think they were dirty fancy do you eat vegetables sure which kind not potato is not it but potatoes well look i went my my wife is from the south

Starting point is 01:07:29 and i went to a restaurant of spain not south of here south carolina oh is she yeah i didn't know that is she white i always thought she was spanish well that would have been a fun twist we went to a restaurant. He just had a black wife he didn't tell us about. It means nothing, guys. Everyone can marry everyone, obviously,

Starting point is 01:07:49 but it is fun when someone brings their significant other and they're not, they don't look good. I'm the exotic one. You are the exotic one. In this situation.

Starting point is 01:07:58 And we went to a restaurant where like all the veggies were things like this, mac and cheese, bacon wrapped um asparagus all of the you know vegetarian section had all oh yeah like that so i said okay i understand that's like in illinois a salad bar has jello what that's not a salad like it has jello it's cow hooves isn't that what jello is what cow hooves oh yeah jello is like

Starting point is 01:08:26 a hot girl food collagen yeah wait andres i've heard that you like basically like you you cook you clean like you kind of do it all at home is that true it's a rumor i heard well we we divide the work okay but yeah i do a lot of that Well, we divide the work. Okay. But yeah, I do a lot of that. When she has a kid too, she's got to do that. Yeah, she does a lot of the kid. So no on the vegetables,

Starting point is 01:08:54 just unless they're wrapped up in mac and cheese. Look, I can do it. It's not my favorite thing. Fancy, you need it. I'm so sorry, but you need it in your diet. We want you to live long I like Bobby's diet you know

Starting point is 01:09:07 but some people don't nicotine and fucking ash I'll tell you something I'll tell you something there is a myth about all this stuff too because yes

Starting point is 01:09:14 we should try to be healthy on the off chance that our bodies are those bodies but no can I just tell you Jordan Peterson red meat diet rhetoric

Starting point is 01:09:22 I'm gonna fucking I'm walking off Jordan Peterson Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson wouldn't let people be fat. He wouldn't even have this discussion. I think it's Michaela. No, she made him go on the all meat diet. No, they do the carnivore diet.

Starting point is 01:09:35 No, I watch like two... I listen to two podcasts about carnivore diet. Diarrhea for a month sounds fun. I was scared of vegetables for a while i told you guys this yeah i was like i listened to two podcasts about it and i got i'm so easily convinced of things i was like oh my god they're like they're like why you know vegetables would taste good if we were supposed to eat them i was like oh my god you're right they're poison

Starting point is 01:09:59 it's like they're the vegetables are poison they don't want us to eat it so they're putting poison out because they want to survive and i I'm like, you're right. You're right. And this was not a Michaela Peterson. It was like just some, I don't know. Wait, there is. That is kind of interesting. Because what in your body?

Starting point is 01:10:15 But so anyway, so I'm like, I completely am buying this. And I'm like, I guess now my only option is to go on the carnivore diet, even though I didn't want to. I just was like, oh, I'll listen to a thing about it. I was like I don't want it but then I was like I'm gonna die I'm supposed to live to 120 they're taking my life by eating these poisonous vegetables and then I so then I started like looking at different carnivore people and being like okay and one there was one thing about it that made me so grossed out that I was like, I'm just not going to do it. They said that your muscle starts to feel jelly-ish. And I said, I can't. That I don't want.

Starting point is 01:10:49 Why does that happen? I don't know why. And I don't, I didn't read more into it, but I was looking for one thing to get out of it. And that was the thing. But there was a while where Todd was like, you have to eat the vegetables. He's like, how old are these people? Todd was forcing you to eat your vegetables?

Starting point is 01:11:01 Well, Todd was like, what are they, five years old? They don't want to eat their vegetables because they don't taste good? But that's actually not even true because like that whole argument of like, well, if we were supposed to eat it, why does it taste so bad? Babies eat straight up raw, like carrots, all of this mushed apple, everything without any complaint. And I've seen like my my friends kids when they're babies just grab it and love it it's when we get a little bit older that we have choices that are

Starting point is 01:11:31 like you know might be a little bit more exciting for our palate that we're like oh like vegetables is actually like not as cool as that i do like the taste of vegetables me too i love it tomato i enjoy but brock you know there's certain ones that i can't have anymore because it does cause like you know painful gas asshole bleeding painful gas yeah and i think that those are there are inflammatory um vegetables like i love onions can't have them i i love i can't have onions and i really can't have onions i can't have like i have to have minimal garlic it's really sad bell Bell peppers, nightshades. Yes, yep.

Starting point is 01:12:06 Fuck me up. I have that too. It's called something. It's something. It's a type of. I don't know what it is, but it fucks me up. I shit blood, like, without fail. I'm gonna shit blood.

Starting point is 01:12:14 I cannot imagine life without onions. Not to sound like the grossest girl in the room, but like, I just. This explains a lot of your smells. Like, onions and garlic are very important to the Jewish diet. Like, that's not i and i agree with that i wish my body agreed with onions more because i love onion flavor i love garlic flavor i i garlic's okay with me it's more than nightshades like onion i cannot if it's cooked onion i can cut it raw onion which i love the taste of it will ruin my life what about bell

Starting point is 01:12:41 peppers bell peppers hurt me but i will like if i have um raw onions like i will like elevate off i will fart myself off the couch i'll be like up here well that's okay so i do allow myself like like the you know the inflammatory foods but i cannot have made plans that night i have to be alone in the house a couple days off i have acidic like your shit when your shit is like and it burns and burns and and my pee burns where are you putting that um me and dave like we totally bond over we love garlic extra garlic i like garlic too but are you one of these people like there's some's some people, and to me, it's like, I think my body would, like, shut down and I would die. I'd fall down.

Starting point is 01:13:28 Some people eat onions like apples. No, they don't. I swear to God. No, they don't. I've seen it. Yes. No, what are you? No, they don't.

Starting point is 01:13:36 I think they did that during the pandemic when they lost their sense of smell. No, no. A lot of people did. No. There's no way humans eat. Yes. I guess they do they do why because they like it no this is like a no i've seen people do it i was on a podcast like i was just eating they just like them i think it's good for you if you don't have whatever our that is shocking but what i was going

Starting point is 01:14:01 to say before was there are so many people that you see that live very long and they eat Doritos and they eat bad stuff. It really is just like how your genes are going to be affected by it. Bro, my grandma doesn't even eat food. She just drinks and smokes cigarettes and she's in her 80s. She sounds so hot. So it's like I look at that and I'm like. I want to go goblin mode on your grand i'm like your life choices can't really always matter that much you just have to choose like

Starting point is 01:14:32 what am i going to be stressed out if i'm dieting all the time right yes because that's my body you can eat all the perfect foods exercise do everything right but if you're living like a really high stress life like your telomeres will shorten and then there you go it's like you're you're killing yourself from the inside so what's the point Whitney was talking about that I remember especially in the beginning of COVID and she was so right she's like everyone who's over stressing about it like you're making yourself less healthy like if you just sort of you know I'm so glad she had that take because if she didn't let us over at that beautiful mansion i would have the shittiest pain i know i'm so glad she was like

Starting point is 01:15:09 opened her heart not to pivot into anything super corny but this is super corny but have you guys heard that there are two new love languages no what are they what are they is the love language here new love line the five existing. I think I have that one. Me too. So the five ones that we already know are physical touch, gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, and what's the fifth one? Acts of service. Acts of service, right?

Starting point is 01:15:38 Wait, do we guess? Do you give us hints? This is insane, breaking news. But one of them is really good, and I think it's mine. Is it sex? No. Is it getting your butt kicked? Okay, so one of them is really good and I think it's mine. Is it sex? No. Is it getting your butt kicked? Okay, so one of them is shared new experiences.

Starting point is 01:15:51 Shared new experiences. Oh, that's so sweet. But that I think last time would have been like in quality time. That would have been. Yes. It could have just fallen under quality. But it's specifically new experiences. Love that.

Starting point is 01:16:02 Together. Doing things for the first time together that none of you had i that love that i'd done that done before the second one is emotional security and this means feeling safe feeling seen and feeling listened to these are the best this is like when the m&ms added the blue flavor like the one the new thing fucking makes everything better those are so good those are so good you are a blue eminem she's obviously the green eminem favorite color the horny eminem

Starting point is 01:16:38 experiences is great that is really what are some new experiences escape room that is i've already been but or like maybe going to a place traveling together yeah um trying a new restaurant together watching a new movie together like something that like a lot of times like in my relationship is like oh you got to watch this movie yeah but you've already seen it oh i don't care i'll watch it again like that doesn't um i had my friend ed bass masters in town who's like he's just like the funniest he does all these pranks and stuff he's from philly and he does all these different characters and we were we went to the comedy store and he like the clip will probably be out before this comes out

Starting point is 01:17:23 i'm sure but so he like comes out like while I'm on stage he just walks out one of his characters like from behind the the curtain like and it's just so funny what did he do nothing he just like walked it was just funny and weird and awkward but it's really fun to do stuff with him because he just is so he comes to LA every once in a while and he shoots he's very good at like he collaborates with a lot of people he's done a lot of stuff with like Chelsea Lynn and Paige he collaborates with a lot of people which I admire a lot and he also is just like all about being funny it's like what could be the funniest thing and he goes in and out of these characters I love watching people you know working with Sasha Baron Cohen too like when you see how people kind of like maneuver in

Starting point is 01:18:00 and out of the character and stuff but it was just it's been so fun i just love little funny artist people that sounds like like you're very creatively energized by i am creatively energized by it i love that feeling who we had on tiger belly on monday was um young gravy i just met him i love him i love him he said he would do, by the way. He is such a bright, beautiful thing. I love him so much. I met him at VCon and I didn't realize he's from Minnesota. Is that VaginaCon? Yeah. What is VCon?

Starting point is 01:18:35 Gary Vee has like a convention that I did stand up at. Oh, that's so, I did not know you did that. He's like a Minnesota boy. So I just love him. But he's also like a MILF hunter. Like it's like a novelty, but like he really does like, you know, older women. Didn't he date like Addison Rae's mom? That was funny when he showed up to a thing with her. That was great. No, but they actually dated.

Starting point is 01:18:56 I love it. They were like, yeah, but I really, really like him. Yeah, we should have him on. How was he on Tiger Belly? So good. So great. He has such a fun energy. I think we'd have so much fun like him. Yeah, we should have him on. How was he on Tiger Belly? So good. So great. He has such a fun energy. I think we'd have so much fun with him.

Starting point is 01:19:10 And he's super open. Yeah. Is there a vibe? How old is he? I don't think there's a vibe. Bobby just totally got in there and said, no, no. He cock-blocked me. How old is he? I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:19:24 I'm sure addison cock rock that too 27 27 yeah because i told him that you know this tattoo right here this cover up it's of uh it's i the original tattoo underneath it is matt it's uh the name matt matt rife from when you and matt rife dated. And so he was like, oh, like, can I claim like that, that Matt was actually like me and Bobby's like,

Starting point is 01:19:50 enough. No. He cock blocked. Bobby, you don't get to cock block. Also, we do need to have Matt Rife on. Did you know

Starting point is 01:19:58 that he just broke the record for selling out six Chicago theaters and six Radio City? That's wild. Oh my God. I know. Like that little baby, we need to have him on and torture him.. That's wild. Oh, my God. I know. Like, that little baby, we need to have him on.

Starting point is 01:20:08 I know. I've known him so long. I know. Yeah. So cute. He's such a sweet kid. Like, he's so sweet. The last time I saw him, I could tell he was, like, having a lot of,

Starting point is 01:20:18 obviously, a lot of fan interactions lately because, like, I ran into him. And when he said, like, we were in the Comedy Store parking lot. He gave you prayer hands? No, he he was like get home safe it was like so he's always like that really i i was supposed to go to barry's boot camp with matt for like three years i get text back if i was being like yeah yeah i'll get there meet you there oh i think we should have a shared new like exercise experience, maybe. Yeah. Not berries because we've all done berries.

Starting point is 01:20:49 It almost feels new at this point. It's been so long. That is true. It's been a while. I already tried this, but the class, have you guys heard of it? Oh, yeah. I tried it in New York. They have it here in Santa Monica.

Starting point is 01:21:03 But like that was a really weird new workout experience. But I tried it in New York. They have it here in Santa Monica. But like that was a really weird new workout experience. But I tried it already. But I do recommend it. I'm trying to think of when I have is solid core something. I see that. What about this isn't like new to exercise, but I don't know. What about aerial yoga? I've never I've never done that.

Starting point is 01:21:22 That would be crazy. I've obviously never done that. Because you're too little to jump up on the thing. have to hoist you up on this so scary yeah but you would be so great you're a dancer a dancer yeah dancer maybe we get someone maybe we get a private teacher film it so that everyone else can enjoy yeah that sounds good sounds fun or yeah i have shit shoulders but yeah i'm down oh my god she's getting no this is so annoying because she's like no we can't film it i won't be perfect at it but she will well no i can't even lift up you can't lift that's good you and bobby broke up i don't lift him up anymore david Tell is the best joke. He goes, I love reverse cowgirl because the girl looks like she's getting up to run away.

Starting point is 01:22:07 Who said that? David Tell. Oh. No, Bobby is a very like Christian boy. There's only two things we can do because Doggie is out unless he's wearing these platform heels. Like he's not.

Starting point is 01:22:19 Which you would prefer. Get him an Apple box. I know. So we, so. Grab him from a set. We know there's apple boxes on their sets in my car i sit on one we were very honest we did a very like honest upraisal of our like height issues like up front and like okay there's certain things that we just cannot do

Starting point is 01:22:36 so um either mish like super christian or like mish yeah mish and then me on top and it's always going to be me on top because like everything you say sounds like an asian thing me on top me on top mish mish me on top have you okay i'm gonna ask a really fucked up question oh my god i can't wait to see what she thinks is fucked up so you said like you know bobby's back in town. Like you've seen him. He's been to your place. Like has there been any like, like vibes? Sexual? Yeah. Because I could really see that. And I'm just curious.

Starting point is 01:23:16 What the fuck are you doing? You're crazy. That is insane. You're, this is the master manipulator. What are you trying to do right now? I'm not trying to do anything. You're trying to get her back with Bobby right now? No, I'm not. I'm not. I do right now? I'm not trying to do anything. You're trying to get her back with Bobby right now? No, I'm not.

Starting point is 01:23:27 I'm not. I'm completely objective. I'm just curious. It's their vibes. Like, there's cuddle vibes. Okay. Like, we watch movies together. This is breaking news.

Starting point is 01:23:38 Is it? I think. There's nothing breaking about this. Yeah. The only thing breaking is the Internet, is Reddit. No, like we watch, you know, we still like lean on each other. Like if he's like on the couch, like laying down, like I'm leaning up against his belly. Like there's still some squishy, like we're really like close.

Starting point is 01:23:59 But I don't think there's necessarily like vibes like, oh, this could turn into something. But when you guys get into like serious relationships, are you going to still be squishy with each other? They can't. I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I don't think they would want to. I'm speaking for her and him. I'm their attorney.

Starting point is 01:24:18 I hung out with my friend Nick again last night. He got a girlfriend. Oh, right. By the way, can I just tell you? He's off the market he is he's the king everything that he's done he's working on olivia rodrigo's like third it's third music video with her oh my god he is so good he's what he's a designer he's a set designer is he in love i don't know i think he's yeah i think that um i don't know why I think he's, yeah. I think that, um... Why are Knicks hot, though?

Starting point is 01:24:45 Yeah, he's so handsome. Why are Knicks generally, like, a hot boy name? He's so tall, his dress is good. Like, Nicholas is a hot boy. He smells the way you would like. It's very boy. He's a little stinky, but in a way that you would like. Ooh, just a slight deal.

Starting point is 01:24:58 Yeah, he's, like, been working. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I like a little funk. I'm not scared of it. I love him. He's so good. I'm wondering if he cares that I'm talking about him like this. But my cat outfit, sorry. I decided last night that I'm done with caffeine because I was thinking about.

Starting point is 01:25:13 Wait, hold on. I was done. I started again, obviously. When? I need to update. Like two days after. I get so tired. It's just, it's so hard.

Starting point is 01:25:22 You know our lives. Like I've been on the road like three days a month. So it's like, I'm in different time. I mean, three, three weekends a month. So like, I'm in different time zones all the time. It's like, I'm so tired. It's so hard to not go to caffeine. What's really fucked is I thought you meant three days a month.

Starting point is 01:25:37 Cause that's what I am. And I'm like, yeah, it is hard. But I have still the same amount of travel, but it's not as hard. So I used to be like a six ventis a day kind of girl. Like I slammed coffee. I couldn't do one thing if I didn't have a big coffee in hand. My and the reason that I feel so much better today is because, OK, maybe I don't have that big burst of energy, but I at least my energy is consistent throughout the day. Like I'm able to do

Starting point is 01:26:05 it just about everything until it's time to go to bed right with coffee yeah nap you can exactly even if it's a 20 minute nap but when in when i was drinking so much coffee it was like i couldn't even think about doing a single task without like a big burst of caffeine it was so my energy level was up down up down up down that's exactly how i feel and i think the nocturnal panic attacks that is like it's like residual anxiety from throughout the day of having this like up and down and i'm just now looking about like how can i maximize my time how can i like use my time out because there's a lot of projects that i'm starting right now that i'm excited to do they don't feel like i have to do them for once in my life so i'm like all right i want to

Starting point is 01:26:45 actually focus my time on these things where do i waste my time not only with the ups and downs and being exhausted and not sleeping right but i go to the coffee shop i talk to people i use that as like a break to go places i'm going so it's like i just need to that's that's like a half an hour are you saying you don't you're back on coffee and you don't want to be i just i stopped again today well what was the epiphany last i'm like getting i get off so hard on talking about like you saying you drink six ventis i'm like because i for me it is fully an addiction it's like fun it i i'm like into all the badness of it like what were you doing before you quit?

Starting point is 01:27:25 Okay. I decided I hate coffee. Like I was like for the past, like before I quit drinking coffee with the cluster headaches, I was drinking, going, getting cold brews and I would get nothing in it. Just black coffee. I don't want any like sweetener and things. I don't like to drink sugar like that. So I'm just getting coffee.

Starting point is 01:27:44 It sucks. I'm forcing myself to drink it I'm dehydrated my jaw's tight it's just like I'm not enjoying the experience of it so then when I got the cholesterol headaches and I couldn't drink coffee I was like okay great this is like it's done it's over then I was like I'm tired oh I don't want coffee I'll get like a matcha and then I was like oh but I really want like that coffee feeling so I would get like a double shot of espresso so it was just done and then i get a matcha and then like later in the day i'd have like red bulls and stuff so you don't even treat coffee like i used to treat it as like a like or it felt like a treat to me yeah something that tasted good something like a little snack i could have like multiple times a day yes like a joy yes

Starting point is 01:28:25 oh yeah but if you if you're at that point where you feel like you just have to take it down so that you get that right and it just wasn't and i don't know how to like optimize that correctly like i have a pitch which i have i think it was michael pollan like someone smart like a sciencey person he was like i know the perfect way to do coffee but it's really hard and probably no one can do it but it's you have a cup every other day because then you like wean off of it that second day so that then the caffeine high hits harder every time you have it right like because that is i bet i bet of course when you took off from having your cluster headaches of caffeine and then you came back to it was it just like sunshine and miracles feeling i mean i was

Starting point is 01:29:10 jacked i mean but like a double espresso too it was like it's fun to take a shot like it's fun it's like the only shot i can still take when you take a break from caffeine and then go back to it it is but it's overwhelmed it's like too much because I'm not... I don't manage things well. I go crazy. I go overboard. Fancy, what do we have here? I was asking GPT about going Goblin mode,

Starting point is 01:29:35 but I don't think he knows. Also, I think it's Goblin. G-O-B-L-I-N. Oh, Goblin. But you know what? Gobling. Gobling. Gob-O-B-L-I-N. Oh, Goblin. Well, you know what? Gobbling. Gobbling is like... Like, he's like...

Starting point is 01:29:51 By the way, they both... They both work. Like, gobble a dick? That's it right there. I shouldn't talk to Chaji. Well, I have the same reaction as most people, but... What's gobbling mode? I can show you that.

Starting point is 01:30:12 I can show... Oh, my God. I don't do goblin mode, but I can do gobbling. You guys, thank you so much for listening. We love you. And what a really on-theme episode today. We really made the most of the robots we talked all about it um so if you're just waking up you know are you pro you're pro ai

Starting point is 01:30:33 i have no strong i just don't understand it enough to have a strong opinion of it but like oh they're gonna get you then i do feel like you. If it kills us, we're all in it together. I'm not going to solve it. I'm not going to stress about it. Like, I just know what I what happened to my life when I was so afraid of COVID coming that like that didn't. I did not believe you. Remember when you called me? I was like, shut up.

Starting point is 01:30:57 It's so annoying. She's like, seriously, look at Italy. I'm like, Italy. But like that didn't do anything except fuck up my last few months before, you know, the world shut down. So I'm like, if AI is going to take our oxygen or whatever and kill us all,

Starting point is 01:31:12 like I'm not going to be researching about it. And like, I'll be, I'll be fine. As of now, I think it's pretty cool. I like, I like to,

Starting point is 01:31:20 I think we have to evolve with the things that are happening. I'm not going to be one of those people that like fights what's like happening, but, um, it could be cool of those people that fights what's happening. But it could be cool. It could help us with things. It could turn shit wild. But TBD, I guess.

Starting point is 01:31:37 But also if it starts to kill us, I want to be the first round of people that goes out. I don't want to be a survivor. Take me out early. Okay. And put that into chat. It's listening. Don't worry. It's listening. Unfortunately, they bring Bobby with because I'm sitting right there.

Starting point is 01:31:49 All right, sluggies. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Goblin Mode

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