Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Hannah Berner & the Reality TV Rollercoaster

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

Thank you to our Sponsors: Magic Spoon - Get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at http://www.MagicSpoon.com/TUESDAYand use the code TUESDAY to save five dollars off Manscaped - Get 20% off + free shipping at http://www.Manscaped.com with the code TRASH Olive & June - Visit http://www.OliveandJune.com/TUESDAY and use code TUESDAY for 20% off your first Mani System Liquid Death - Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/TRASH Trash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Subscribe to our YouTube: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Official Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/trashtuesdayclips Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: George Kimmel & Pete Forthun Editor: Gabby Galon --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/trashtuesday/message

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it's free shocking that esther that's what you were about to say right yes it's free uh-huh it's always number one on our list it's free everyone wants to freaking start a podcast this is the easiest way we're about to tell you there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and and and they will distribute your podcast for you so it it can be heard from spotify apple podcasts and all of the platforms basically also you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership the best i mean imagine that that's like the lowest that's low pressure everything you need with anchor everything you need to make a podcast all in one place just download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started you guys tonight i'm

in portland it's probably sold out but in case it's not get tickets check it out esther on ice.com and this thursday i'm going to be in San Francisco. I can't believe it's finally here. And next week I'll be in New York city. You can get tickets to all those shows at Esther on ice.com and go to sleepover by Esther.com. You will enjoy today's outfits because everyone's wearing sleepover, but not yet.

Guys, come see me perform standup comedy live. I've been having the greatest experience of my life, meeting you guys, vibing with you guys, doing comedy with you guys. Come see me in Plano, Texas at the House of Comedy, November 11th through 14th at the Punchline Comedy Club in Philadelphia,

my hometown, Thanksgiving weekend, November 26th through 27th. Irvine Improv on December 2nd. And then I will be in Austin, Texas at Cap City Comedy Club, November 9th through 11th. Bananas Comedy Club, December 16th to 18th.

And a bunch more, go to andylederman.com slash shows. Esther, when I see the way you look, and then I see that giant sparkler on your finger. What do you mean? Because you look like such a little, my little baby. Like a little kid? You're my little baby that's engaged.

Wait, congrats! We're both engaged. Is your engagement real or fake? Mine's fake. Mine's fake. Mine's fake. I mean, what is engagement? It's a fake made up thing anyway. Like, are you actually going to get married?

Yeah. Yeah. Today I hit up the jeweler that Bobby flaked on. And I was like, so what's the deal? Is he, has he paid you? And he was like, I don't think I'm supposed to say anything. You know, like don't. That is so funny. i strong-armed him

into giving me an answer so has he paid so he wants to marry you but he's broke right now well he i think that he just doesn't know how to do anything yeah he he's it's so he's not broke, but the best example of Bobby is that when he was younger, his car had like too many tickets. No, he couldn't find his car, so he just bought a new car. Right. Or let's suppose a flat tire. God forbid you call AAA. No, you just buy a new one the next day. You just leave it.

I'm a handler. Yeah. I'm a fucking zookeeper. A zookeeper? Yeah, that's what I new one the next day. You just leave it. I'm a handler. Yeah. I'm a fucking zookeeper. A zookeeper? Yeah, that's what I am. That's true. An animal trainer. And then you add Annie and me into the mix.

You're a full-blown zookeeper. That's, wow. Shout out, by the way, Nicholas Potash. So he makes these amazing, like, not standard jewelry. And I was really excited because he was a fan of the show and he was like hey let me make your engagement ring and i went on bobby's dms because bobby's like you do it you set it up oh my god he makes you do everything yeah he made me set up my own um he was like tell him exactly i yeah not a finger was lifted on his end does he not have like a buddy who you could at

least pretend i'm his buddy yeah wait is it so is it happening is is he getting it's not it's not happening i was there yes now i know did i'm gonna have to come out of pocket for my own ring oh britney spears style i think she did that with yeah with k-fed she wait how much did k-fed really make at that time not a lot if you use a backup dancer like that that then those opportunities are not like consistent how are you guys's feelings on like having a kept man are you not the type to like bring home no i don't think that's for me can you define kept you're just the the bigger of the money maker and you take care of him see i have a 45 year old man who's like been living his life his own way for a while and i'm not a caretaker he can take care of me yeah but i want

to like make money and stuff and he could stay home and take care of the kids because he's already done his shit in his life i'm like you have nothing else to do but like love me so wait does that mean he's already had i want has he had kids already no what has he done that? Well, he was a torn comic. Really? And most comedians are, I would recommend not dealing with them. Not at all. But I love, he's just like exhausted and tired and like has nothing left. But love. But love for me.

Okay, that I can kind of. He has no more purpose. I can get roughly the setup I want. Like he has no more drive. Because I'm going to tell you right now that I've been with Bobby for eight years. And so I don't like the fact that he has more money than me

because then he can excuse his laziness and his lack of intimacy. All the other things. Well, I'm the provider. So I don't technically have to have sex with you or touch you or do anything. I want the opposite. I want to make the money.

Yes. So then I can. The other day, yeah, I was like, I'm making money for this family and my cat. So if I don't text you back immediately, you know what I'm doing. Wait, I actually use this excuse too. I'm not kidding. Whenever I don't put my plate away, I'm just like, some men have women who don't make any money and I bring home the bacon and I don I don't put my plate away. I'm just like some men have women who

don't make any money and I bring home the bacon and I don't have to put my plate away. We have a problem because we're both messy. So I'll be like, can you put that away? And he'll be like, can you put that away? I'm like, OK, let's continue living our life. And we just live in our own mess because we're creatives. Dave is but lazy so like he wants it to be clean but he won't actually clean it up for me see that you can't live that no I know it's and you know what he you know what he says to me a lot he goes I hate living with you you're the worst roommate he's he says to me all the time you are the world's worst roommate you're like i let you have sex with me i sound like the best room yeah now did you get engaged kind of fast yeah why how how i know eight years i haven't been able

it took me six years and i and don't think i didn't beg every day of those six years. Every day. My situation was so weird because I didn't. I didn't really have boyfriends and then I just got engaged. Oh, okay. So, like, I kind of met this older man and then he. You say older. Can I ask? He's 45.

I'm 30. 15 years. 15 years. That's my parents' exact age difference. I love a 15 year you're 13 13 years

your mom and your well my mom and dad were 36 years yeah that's super that's not a well we don't love a 36 year old

I think that might be pushing it a little bit I do feel like with same sex relationships though people don't look down on it but then with like

you're right you know you ever notice that with Sarah sarah paulie yeah like we're like yes but people are also sarah paulson yeah yeah sarah paulie's like your nickname i thought it was like your la nickname for her like you know her like no that's just her filipino yeah yeah hey annie oh my god i see an aviator nation jacket look at this rich girl george looks good i know do you want me to throw them on it's a you're the guest so it's up to you you guys can go in the bathroom this run they the pants run a little small and i just try them on let's see you know what it is she's right because i'm wearing the large

those are a large look oh my god, my God. Look at our body. Look at our body. I want to do this thing of, like, make your lady be a clap. Like, can that be a movement? Like, the, like. Oh, you fit in way too well here. It's going to be. And I'm honestly not loving that. It's going to be a very, very slow clap for me.

It's going to take some time in between the next one. It'll be a windmill. Annie, I'm ready. I'll just show them to you. They're like little and cute. Oh my God. Donut loved that. Today is the sleepover by Esther themed episode.

Finally. This does feel like a morning sleepover. Like we just woke up from talking shit. Oh my God. We had some ghost stories. We're hungover. Someone just got an IV drip. Someone's suffering a little more than the other i'm actually getting this product i put 13 years of friendship into getting this it sells out real quick yeah doesn't it i was like yeah you could pay no no these are my gift to you guys

is it so comfy do you love it if you charge if you send us an invoice for these i would have loved it i'm invoicing you but for everyone i can pay for it i can afford it because i'll take advantage of you being willing to spend all your money i am always willing to spend all my money oh these are great here we go donut welcome you're my angel dude taking a dog to vegas is the most inconvenient did you do it just now yeah i went to vegas this weekend with donut and she sucks yeah i saw gwen stefani and lady gaga i have a theory that you made a mistake by not inviting us no i'm already i've got to meet them no but i have a theory i have a theory that lady gaga

is it the very least would be a trash tuesday listener because when she was singing poker face she was singing pop pop pop poker face pop pop fuck her face she's saying that i was like she watched last week's episode. Oh, yeah. I notoriously love being skull fucked, Hannah. Oh, I love that for you. Thank you. I love it for me too. I'm obsessed.

And I like how it's skull. It's not head. It's skull. It's not face. No, she puts on, she's a swimmer, so she puts on her bathing cap and her goggles.

I hate to be a prude, but does that mean you like blow job? I don't get, I don't give blow jobs. I get my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's it really, it sounds cool, but it's really, she's just very lazy. Exactly what it is. TMJ. It's like, I have to keep my jaw still.

I don't want to put any cervical movement into it, but Hey, you know, it's already confirmed that Meghan Markle listens to this show. Is that real? If we have Lady Gaga on board as well. Oh, wait. Am I ruining a bit or is this real? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you are.

It's up to interpretation. I'm so cocky about this, guys. I went to a Starbucks. I was in Texas and I was at this shitty hotel. And I go to walk to a Starbucks went to a starbucks i was in texas and i was at this like shitty hotel and i go to walk to a starbucks okay i walk it's not that far i walk like you know seven minutes or something it's a drive-thru only i'm like um okay i don't have a car i'm like yelling i'm like i don't have a car wait what state were you in texas we're in texas um san antonio did you walk through the drive-thru they wouldn't allow

me and i was trying and then i was trying to get other people to pay and the girl who was who was working there i was like she would like her she doesn't know our show i can tell but she would like it so i was like how do i get her like into me enough to like i know she would like it it was for her she goes wait wait wait this girl has a sick podcast let her through no i wanted to be like I was I was like doing this clout thing in my head I was like

what can I offer her I was like do you want tickets to a comedy show she's like ma'am can you stop bothering the line you should have and I was like

I haven't even started bothering the line yet she's like but we ask that you don't because she knew I was going to start like knocking on windows like take my credit card

get yourself something you should have just pulled your pants down but like have you seen this dump truck no but you know what actually I did realize Hannah the next day is that i had my abs drawn in i was wearing a sports bra and i

had my abs drawn in from the night before and i looked like peak psychotic i was wearing my cowboy hat annie i hate to tell you but you look peak psychotic right now like well i am in your outfit so question how is it the one you gave me was like attached i can't my arms move how is it an inconvenience for a drive-thru to serve a walking person i've also i you know how many times i've walked through the burger king drive-thru i mean we knew it wasn't just for drinks they don't like it but they'll do it oh so you have done it yeah you guys were never young child you look like a loose like like oh we better give this kid her last meal yeah you do look like an amber alert you look abducted like you escaped an abduction when you're young in the midwest like that's like how you have fun like that's that's a thrill. Sonic drive-thrus.

They fuck. Let's walk through the drive-thru. Oh, yeah. I've gotten fingered at a Sonic drive-thru. It's fun. The roller skating by. You're like, well, I see. That's what the commercial should be in that car.

Yeah. It's like really like. How was your fingering experience last night? I made a parody of the Sonic commercials that didn't go. I made Tim Dillon retweet it and it didn't work. It's too good. You know when you make something like this is the best thing i've ever made and it's just the wrong day and you're like fuck someone got divorced that day and you're like fuck the

new cycle fuck you megan markle's talking about trash tuesday that's why they left the um queen hannah wait where are you from originally i'm from brooklyn new york whoa you're like the real deal i me and biggie go way back wait that's crazy i'm from parkoklyn new york whoa you're like the real deal i me and biggie go way back wait that's crazy i'm from park slope annie would know yeah so she's a lesbian yeah she's a lesbian couple that has two double strollers double strollers and we'll run over anything in our way but i feel like that means you're like cooler and know all the things that girls like us like move to the big city to learn like it's but i am like an outer borough chick still so like i'm not like a cool manhattan girl like people be like oh you're from the city like where should i go and i'm like i grew up in like a 10 block radius in brooklyn

and like that's all i did are you jewish or i'm part jewish because i'm from new york just how it goes i'm like jewish enough that like i I am Jews kind of accept me but no Jew can marry me yeah yeah like my mom's not Jewish did you go on birthright Sicilian no

I feel so pissed I didn't go on birthright because I'm just Jewish enough that I could have gotten what's the cutoff age 26 I feel like now they're letting anyone go though

yeah that's true because they want you to get impregnated yeah I think they might look at me and be like it's a fuck fest birthright's a fuck fest they're just like who

wants to have cute jewish they ride um camels and each other it's great i am what is it three percent ashkenazi according to my 23 and me should we all three of us esther you're out did you go on your birthright no i didn't oh let's all go scared oh you're so what were you scared of what if your life travel travel leaving taking my shoes i'm getting better at it now but we are yeah we we talk a lot about like what vacations are we going to take as a show there's one we're actually going we're actually going to go to hawaii oh that's fun yeah we were there's talks of vegas do you have any recommendations of where we should go? To me, as a New Yorker, I feel like Hawaii is like Europe times 10. Like no one ever goes.

But in LA, it's like Panama City Beach for like New Yorkers. Like everyone goes. So I'm jealous of that. I recommend you, I mean, we go to the grossest random places for stand up. Yeah, horrible. But I almost low key, like I went to Buffalo the other week. I know. Smells like Cheer smells like cheerios doing well you know the honey the cheerio factories there that's why it smells sweet is that helium yes i loved buffalo i was eating pizza logs putting them up my vagina i was just loving

the there was like a water one waterfall and i was like this is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my life did you go to niagara falls no i know i didn't go to niagara falls either but i was just there and it was it is like i love the rust belt i love this sort of like factory like vibe i'm telling you random cities have like a beautifulness to them you just have to find like their little niche i was like a block there's a block in every town that slaps. Yes. And did you go to the gay area? I had to walk to go get my merch. I mean, I don't know what my life is. I had to walk to a fucking UPS store, grab a box, and walk back.

But I walked through like every neighborhood. Lifestyles of the rich and the famous. There was girls with short hair and they were not hitting on me. I was getting so pissed. I got yelled at. I was like, where can I go at Buffalo Wings? And they're like, it's just wings. And I was like, oh, like French fries in France. And they were not hitting on me. I was getting so pissed. I got yelled at. I was like, where can I go at Buffalo Wings? And they're like, it's just wings. And I was like,

oh, like French fries in France. And they were like, what? And I was like, you bitch. So anyway, places to visit. I'm from, I went to the College of Madison, Wisconsin,

which is pretty lit. Wait, Bobby loves that club. Every person says the club is incredible. It's the best. That's his favorite club. What is it called? It's a Madison. What is it? It's a comedy on state. Okay, state yeah okay so your recommendation is buffalo we got buffalo and madison okay i'll fuck with madison dude i used to drive nobody said greece or i thought we had

to stay in america we don't do we don't no we don't we absolutely do not go to mexico i want to take you scary places and show you that no but i don't want to take her to like Cancun or Cabo. I want to take her to like Sinaloa, Michoacan. Oh, yeah. Like the deep cuts. I've been to Huatulco. I want to go to Chihuahua. I know a lot of boys I used to wait tables with, my Chihuahua boys. I only banged one. He was the ugly one, but the funniest one. I love how she looks in the camera for that. She was like, I'm talking to you. I know, I'm like, you're watching, right? Alejandro, I miss you. I love how she looked in the camera for that. She was like, I'm talking to you. I know, I'm like, you're watching, right?

I miss you. Esther, why did we have to give up cereal? Because it's full of sugar and we had to give up on our dreams. We know better now. Yeah, until magic spoon. You can spoon magic into your mouth. One bite at a time. And I will for dinner tonight

growing up cereal is one of the best parts of being a kid wouldn't you agree yeah but we had to give it up because we realized it was chock full of sugar and that's really the junk you shouldn't be eating not at this age i missed cereal so much until magic spoon like i was missing it and now it's back in my life and i'm so much more happy and i feel like a little kid yeah i'm just like so excited that they just brought back their two most popular flavors the cookies and cream and maple waffle and it's permanent they are here to stay and they're so good i'm so glad you guys zero grams of sugar 13 to 14 grams of protein and only four net grams of carbs in each serving it's only 140 calories a serving it's keto friendly gluten-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, soy-free, and low-carb. And you can build your

own box, available flavors to build your very own custom bundle or cocoa, fruity, frosted peanut butter, blueberry cinnamon, cookies and cream, and maple waffle. You guys can go to magicspoon.com slash Tuesday to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code Tuesday at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product. It's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked.

Remember, get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash Tuesday and use the code Tuesday to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring our podcast. You guys, this holiday season, you know who I'm thanking? My friends at Manscaped. Oh, God bless them. Should I tell all my extended family members

that I bought my man the performance package 4.0 from the Global Leaders and Below the Waist Grooming? Well, you're not going to have to tell your dad because I already got him one. Oh my God, Annie. Your dad and I have a thing. I'm sorry, Mary, okay? I love you too.

As your favorite comedian, you should be allowed. I should be allowed. You guys, we think that you should gift your man Manscaped this holiday season so his tree stands taller, if you know what we mean. Oh, that's good. Help him join the 2 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped with 20% off plus free shipping with the code TRASH by going to manscaped.com. You think your holiday spread is good?

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I just need a little bit of consideration about the direction of the hair, how much hair, the extra growth. It just needs to be taken care of. Just take it down a little. Show me that you care. Show me a fade. Give me a little a little puvid. I just want to let you guys know that Manscaped just launched their refined body wash and two in one shampoo plus conditioner and both feature the Manscaped signature scent and will help the man in your life unlock ultimate confidence this year. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code TRASH at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping

with the code TRASH at manscaped.com. Get him the best gift of all from Manscaped. His balls will thank you. I did go to Puerto Rico once and I trafficked some animals back because they have all these really great foundations and sanctuaries. Look at little Esther. Wait, what kind of animals?

So you see all these adorable animals, but no one like adopts in Puerto Rico because I guess they're just animals everywhere. And they're like, can you take this back to like a shelter? So I full on trafficked like a little kitten and a little puppy against my fiance's wishes i was like are you sick you're not saving the life of a little kitten you sick fuck um but we so i'm i'm better than all of you and now do you own do you did you give the cats to other people did you keep yeah i don't want to talk about it but i gave the cat you shared the cat i shared my love for the cat yeah but yeah um are you a cat person though or did you fall in love with the street cat i like animals but which the cat yeah but yeah um are you a cat person though or did you fall in love with the street cat i like animals but which one i'm trying to say is yes

i'm a cat person yes and i know we look get looked down upon sometimes but i think i have three cats okay thank you but i also have four dogs i have a cat you can't even see the cats yes the thing is cats have terrible pr like they have i i think that cats are the most brilliant animals i think that they know how to take care of themselves they're very very they got you well they well no you have to earn them yeah think about it like i hate to say this because i hate slut shaming dogs are whores and they will like lick everyone get everyone pet cats once there's a boundaries they have self-respect they can lick their own butthole they don't need a man and like don't uh we like your it's a perfect partner yeah don't listen yeah and cats also i just feel like i like earning respect and maybe that's my own childhood

trauma do you like salt and vinegar potato chips yeah i like a food that kind of stings yeah you gotta get through some people say people don't like cats just can't handle rejection. I don't know. I don't mean to throw accusations around. I agree with that. I agree with that. If you don't like cats it's a red flag for me.

Where it's like you just immediately want something to love you without knowing you. That's a red flag. What if you're like what if you're allergic? What if you identify

what if you identify as a dog? Yeah. What if you're also a person who identifies What if you identify as a dog yeah what if you're also a person who identifies jacob wait we've we've talked about this what are you guys's thoughts on a communal narcissist i think it's the lesser um sinister narcissist so pull it up george but it's basically someone who is all of the traits of a narcissist, but their charm and character and goodwill sort of overrides their narcissism. It's somebody who saves animals, somebody who is seemingly very community-oriented.

So what is it, George? Here are the six traits of a communal narcissist. Okay, so extreme dedication to specific charities or causes. Often talking about having a mission or a calling. Stirring excess drama or conflict at charitable or work-related events. Okay, I got that one.

Coming across as a martyr. I've done a lot for you guys. Believing that they are best at something. Only seeming to show concern for societal needs in public, never privately. So this is a cult leader which i'm very into yes well you know what's weird is that i just read this thing that like

everyone is a narcissist everyone like you can't not be one and like some degree of one and like in fact like if you say you're not one you definitely are one because you're like you want to be different than everyone and you're not one well my therapist said this there's a difference between a full-blown narcissist and someone with narcissistic traits because she says to make it in this industry you have to have some level of narcissism but it doesn't mean you're a narcissist because the narcissist has no um they're almost like sociopathic they have no like empathy they really have not a lot of like remorse there and um if you break up with a narcissist they'll be certain to make your life a living hell

can i tell you what this is reminding me of of something that i just learned about like and i know this this is actually probably not a new concept to anyone but like so you know how their social justice warriors will basically like those people who are like stirring up fights on the internet like that's just they're letting all their bad qualities come out you're a good cause right now like and it's like so they think that because they're fighting for some kind of equality that they can tell you to go fuck yourself you know so i once someone like kind of explained that i don't know if i'm explaining as well as this other person but like i was like oh shit finally i have i like finally i can see why those people are in the

wrong whereas i never couldn't could before i couldn't really articulate it but it's like they're using anger and all and intolerance to like push their cause across so they think that because they they they hide under a good cause so that they can be nasty. I read this book. When I say I read it, I read the first two pages. I know, I was like, oh my God, do you read? Ew, Hannah Lee. I'm not trying to brag,

but The Art of Public Shaming. Do you remember that woman? Wait, are you? Who landed in Africa. Who landed in Africa. Yeah. Oh, right. With an AIDS joke.

With an AIDS joke. And then she, by the time she landed, was so canceled, fired from everything. Correct, yeah. And the internet is tweeting at her things like, was so canceled, fired from everything. And the internet is tweeting at her things like, I hope you get raped and die of AIDS. Like the most horrible things that are way worse than what she said. Yes. But because it's under this like weird, but also a lot of these cancelers are doing it

for their own clout. Of course. So like you'll see these people, you're not doing it for the better of the world like is it really helping you so overall also a lot of narcissists are the people who are admired in this world and i don't want to like call people out but you guys live in la like nurse like even athletes like for example like i was a tennis player the best tennis players have such killer instincts where like they will squash their mom you know like so you have so many qualities in the world i don't know why they would never play their mom that was

just a little too far but there's and there's so many qualities that like society loves that are actually like so fucking sick in the head yeah do you know what's crazy okay the book you're talking about i i have read no books but i literally have read that it's called so you've been publicly shamed by john ronson it it's so interesting and it is all about i've heard it it's about the like group mentality of canceling someone and i don't know i feel like we're finally starting to like catch on as a society because a while ago the three of us were being like attacked by someone because we said something that they didn't like and now i look back and i'm like they were using us as an excuse to like scream on instagram it's funny how these narcissists are able to be like i do good things for society like a communal narcissist so none of these shitty things should matter below even though they might be like

sexually abusing or like i don't know yeah but all of the like like during the pandemic and stuff and the black lives matter stuff when people were posting like where they donated and stuff like that it's like i'm always like i never know i was like my immediate feeling is like cringe and then i'm like okay they do have a lot of followers they are like trying to show that they did something but it's like i don't know it's always like a weird thing well that's different though than someone being like coming at you you're not like yeah it's also funny because it's not at a level playing field like i was talking this comic and he was like i've stabbed someone and no one's canceling me but like my friend made a joke i was stabbed by a comedian and i got with a pen in my bag oh my

god he was about you oh my god no but like they're like i've done a horrible he's like i used to rob shit he's like but my friend's getting canceled because he made an off-color joke about something wow so you're in those moments and it's weird but everyone's friends with him but everyone's like oh that guy smells bad right now and i'm like this guy tried to murder someone yeah but more of the stories we've got to get this one comic off he's stabbing people but group mentality is so fun to it's like if if everyone starts like throwing rocks at someone you throw a rock and it's like well everyone else is it's so easy to do and that's what the internet's kind of enabled and you feel like you're in like a club or a crew or whatever. You have a cause, a mission. Well, I got really angry.

I marched. I wore my pussy hat. So embarrassing. That pussy hat was definitely made by Republicans. What is a pussy hat? Esther, it's the most humiliating thing that I could even express to you. It's so bad that I'm telling you this is like the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. It's the Women's March hat. Look at the pussy hat. Oh, what's so bad that i'm i i'm telling you this is like the most it's the women's march um look at

the pussy hat oh what's so bad about that no esther yeah you said that like i'm a dog no no esther a perfect example of this doesn't look like that i have some level of roast beef i have some level of pink it's like a it's it's a mix down there. What are we talking about? You want to see my pussy? Sure. You really want to see it? Yeah, of course. I love when Kalilah's like, listen. You can't just say that. Tell me what color it is. Tell me the real color.

There's some hair because I haven't waxed yet. I'm sure there's basically no hair. There's gotta be two hairs. Don't look, Annie. It's not for you. Annie, this isn't for you. I'm excited. Do it. Wait, is'm scared. Don't look, Annie. It's not for you. Annie, this isn't for you. I'm excited. Do it. Wait, is donut okay?

Donut, are you comfortable with this? Donut is so unmoved by it. Donut's a vegetarian. Donut doesn't like sandwiches. Don't mind the hair. Look at donut. What color is it? Donut's looking away.

It's peach? Yeah, why is it peach? Oh, this stupid bitch. Oh, shocker. Kalilah is a perfect pussy that she's complaining about to try to fit in. It's not pink.

It's actually a beautiful color. And it smells like peach too. It's very cute. Thank you. I feel like it's very similar to mine, but I don't know. Really? I can't picture mine right now. I can.

Let me picture you. I never forget a badge. I remember where Esther and I showed each other our vaginas for the first time. It was at the alcove. Oh, in the bathroom. I remember that too. I love that place. Good bread.

Yeah, it's a good badge showing spot. That's a great place. Yeah. Very yeasty. Yeah, it's in Los Feliz. Yeah, it's a good bad show spot. That's a great place. Yeah. Is that in LA? Very yeasty. Yeah, it's in Los Feliz. It's right here. Yeah, it's not that far.

It's really cute. You guys want to go take a trip? I was excited you found bread in LA. We have it, I swear. What was I going to say? Oh, did you guys drive in the rain? Did you like it? Yes, and it's completely fine and normal.

Did you like it? I had no opinion. Why are you saying it like that? I had no opinion of it. You're getting defensive for no reason. Because I'm not one of the people that's going to make a big show of the rain. Are you sure, Esther? Because on a bright, sunny day,

you drove down stairs. She drove down some stairs the last two weeks ago. Yeah, did you think I was worried about you driving it? I was just going to say, I had a lot of fun. I was like driving. I was a little high.

But no, I was driving and I was like, this is like fun. Like, you know you know i i wasn't speeding obviously because it's fucking raining out but it was just like it was nice you never get to drive and rain here anymore any i walked outside and there was a full camera crew like there'd been a murder and people were getting interviewed and i was like what's going on and i overheard it and he's like yeah you know you never know what's gonna happen in la and we gotta just pull through with the rain. And I was like, what the fuck? It literally is 100%. Imagine New York City, a full article or like full news day being dedicated to a droplet.

No, there was an editor of a paper that got woken up. Like his wife had to pick up a phone. Hello? The humidity is above zero. It's raining. Shot out of bed. Susan, put the coffee on. How do you feel about the rain?

I loved it. I was very excited about it. Well, it's not just rain, right? It's a bomb cyclone. Oh, no. This is a drizzle. This is a drizzle. Well, they're calling it a bomb cyclone.

I look at it and it's like, where's the bomb and where's the cyclone? I feel bad that I enjoyed it so much. I come from a fucking typhoon belt. It's not about the cyclone. I come from a place where most of my birthdays were spent with two weeks of no light, no electricity. And then full-blown karaoke. They're like, we have to harness all the power in the Philippines for this one birthday party. to harness all the power in the philippines for this one birthday party no but it's like it's so yes i understand that whole thing where it's like i don't understand why californians just cannot

function you know on a drizzly day wait can i ask how long are you here for the week can we invite her to your birthday you want to come to our karaoke extravaganza i would love to but r kelly used to be my go-to and now I don't know what to do at karaoke well order a lemonade bitch and enjoy it let me tell you Hannah this is Koreatown tell me

we are not gonna judge you if you wanna sing Ignition that's so funny she had to retire she had to retire from karaoke I'm done you're like

it was that and Thriller fuck oh my god cause when I dropped Remix Ignition everyone would respect me like in a new way

like I would vibe to it and you're good or are you torturing everyone it's a combination of both to really nail it if someone's too good everyone hates you

and you gotta get the vibe yeah the theater major shit where it's like I could have made it it's like see I do that but I don't have the talent that's my energy

that I bring I mean I'll never forget Esther we were we did a show at Whitney's outside Whitney's house and Natasha Bedingfield was there and I bring this up a lot because Esther did a dance

to Unwritten that was you would have thought Unwritten was written to Esther and she the excitement on her face Unwritten got wrote that night it was wait Natasha Bedingfield doesn't get enough like respect she's coming back because the tiktok she i know because her songs are so my dad likes

her the best she's such a sweet woman too whitney's like gifted us with some people natasha benningfield's one of them i know we should have her on the show would she do our show 100 natasha yeah yeah she can sing for you again oh my god it really was i did ask her to sing unwritten and i remember thinking that night it was like everyone in this crowd owes me because i got her to sing i mean we're all thinking we're all thinking i wanted i want to put one million dollar wager down that she closes every show she's ever done with unwritten no she no you think she just paused her? As your business manager, you cannot put $1 million down. As my business manager,

I want my business manager to fucking want to make money. You gotta give, we gotta take big risks for this. Wait, I have a question too. What is this called, this one? This is the Sad Malibu Barbie, which is, you're selling it well.

I love it. Because I live in Malibu? Because I'm Malibu bound. And I also have you matching George. He's also a sad Malibu Barbie. Wait, you're kind of like Barbie and Ken.

Oh my. With a blonde on blonde. And only one of us can read. Guess which one. Guess which one. Be recast. Oh my God. Well, do you remember

Amy Schumer was supposed to be Barbie? Barbie, yeah. What happened? I have no clue. I'm assuming it was a money sitch. Who knows? The true Hollywood stories.

We need to bring that show back. I really want a female comic to be The Bachelorette. That would be so bad. I want them to just shit on every guy. And be like, is that feminism, Brad? And then just like, I don't know. Just fuck shit up. The guys would be so bad, though.

They'd be trying to be funny. It would be so horrible. Wait, is a new season out yet handle us is a new season i think it just started whitney's taking katie the last thirst and yeah on on tour with her oh i saw that i've always wanted to go on a bachelor like as a contestant but while i'm engaged today and then it comes out episode five like it's the first lesbian bachelorette it's a psychology like i talk about you if you're on a beautiful island and everyone's talking about the same thing like i would i'd fuck a barnacle yeah there's a producer in my ear being like oh my god america's gonna love you like he's obsessed with you all the girls are jealous i'm like give me that barnacle

and shove it up my vagina i you know what barnacles are feminine looking to me i'm just gonna say i don't want to be weird. I'm like, is she eating it out? How is this working? It's more like a hole. It's more holes. How would you? Yeah.

Fun fact about barnacles. She actually had barnacles as a child. That's just creepy. But let's hear it. Esther, did you get your Olive and June package? Kalilah, I was waiting for it. As soon as I found out we were working with Olive and June, all I did was email Bryce every day.

Where are we getting Olive and June stuff? It is one of my favorite brands. So basically Olive and June is a mani system that gets mailed to your front door. And it's so cool. They give you everything you possibly need. For salon perfect nails at home. I was ordering the nails now too.

We had a lot of guys on the set of Dollface that painted their nails. And I think it's so hot. Yeah, Bobby does. I'm so into men with painted nails. I don't even know why it's so hot. Olive and June nail polishes last seven plus days and they do not chip.

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they so they send you it comes with the it's called the poppy which is amazing i know it's so amazing it's a patented pat tinted brush handle that makes it so easy to paint with both of your hands you become ambidextrous what other product is doing that it's a literal game changer and how your nails can look done professionally at home olive and june is super affordable and their nail polish i'll see you guys does not chip what a what a joy and a blessing it's a classy brand like this is one of the nicest brands we've ever had sponsor us but it's also affordable which is really nice and you guys know getting beautiful salon perfect nails at home is now a dream come true with Olive

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Oh, hello. Welcome to the podcast that is sponsored by our favorite brand ever, Liquid Death. I honestly thought Esther would be dead before she got the sponsor. She wanted so bad. You don't understand. I have these all over my nightstand. I have these all over my car, all over my house. It makes drinking water feel funny, fun, and exciting, and dangerous.

That's so funny. You guys may start noticing that there are strange tall boys of beer in the bottled water section of your local stores well it's not beer it's actually mountain spring water from the alps and it's called liquid death why is it called liquid death i don't know just kidding death to plastic i do like as someone that doesn't drink it is fun to hold a can again when i'm out it does feel good doesn't it taste better? I love it. I love it. And also the sparkling water is so, it's so sparkly. Like it's the strongest sparkling water I've ever tried. I've been drinking so much of it lately. And it's guilt-free because plastic isn't actually

recyclable anymore. And we know that. And most plastic you throw in a recycling bin actually just ends up getting sent to a landfill because it's not profitable to recycle. Aluminum, on the other hand, is infinitely recyclable and actually profitable for recycling facilities. Keep that in your pretty little heads. You guys can get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com slash trash. That's liquiddeath.com slash trash or grab some at Whole Foods or 7-Eleven.

I didn't know we got free shipping. You guys, literally on my way home today, I'm going to order some at liquid death dot com slash trash while I'm driving. This is a very unnecessary thing to know, but barnacles cost the shipping company companies the most money. If we could create a paint that could prevent barnacles from sticking onto ships would be millionaires because that is one of the hardest things to scrape off any surface so don't knock a barnacle i also want to make a new eyelash invention because i can't handle the barnacle eyelashes i'm thinking it's probably the same like it's going to be the same answer for both there's going to be something that's like what's your eyelash problem it's probably the same, like, it's going to be the same answer for both. There's going to be something that's like.

What's your eyelash problem? It's the gluing of the eyelashes is so infuriating. I have the extensions now, but that's only going to last for so long. I'm going to have to go back to the glue. If we're trying to be millionaires, we're not looking in the right places. I'm telling you. Barnacles. Barnacles.

And guano. That shit. The richest people do the most boring shit. Like pipes. Plastic. There's so many pipes. We need to invest in pipes. Look at all the pipes in do the most boring shit like pipes plastic there's so many pipes we need to invest in pipes look at all the pipes

in this room fuck it bad shit guano boring shit stop trying to be cool you know everyone's trying to fuck that pipe

these outfits are too cool for middle America everybody's trying to fuck that pipe I mean are you in? I already did fuck that pipe

wait okay I have an I have an important question because you were actually on a reality show oh yeah what was like you're on summer house yeah can you what was like the premise like how did it were you nervous it was winter house like was it real what like what was so the premise was we're a bunch of kids who work hard in the city during the week and then on the weekends we need to go to the hamptons and drink and just like let loose because we work so hard during the week um and that was

it there was no competition but that's what fucks you up there's no competition there's no voting out you're just like anything could happen so it's like the real world it's real so there's fucking there's fighting did you hook up with people i did i got eight now on tv you did not blow him after it was very feminist oh god what a fucking goddess thank you i had all summer of that yeah um it was it was a one of those experiences in my life that i'm like why not let's do it and my first two seasons went really well and then my third season went really bad what happened i like stood up to a bunch of guys and then when it aired i kind of

just came off as like she's crazy and these men are very logical with their points and well usually they are we are on our period yeah i was on my period for four weeks straight which is crazy it never happened i'm glad esther gave you that that color then and but it was a great experience to like put myself out there i tried they want to put you into characters there's like the hot one yeah the smart one the you know the boring one and i tried to be like women could be like depressed but hot but funny but sporty and they were like no it's so annoying that khali you're crazy i know i'm like we're just the sidekicks khali is hot sporty and smart heavy on the depressed though though. Let's be real.

Dude, I was so depressed. She had to have a flaw. My last season of filming, it wasn't how it was normally. We were stuck in the house for six weeks because of COVID. And I was depressed, so I stayed in bed the whole time. And then they were like, Hannah doesn't hang out with other people. But I was depressed, and I didn't want to hang out with them because then I'd fight whenever I did. You're probably the most relatable character on there

if you're just in bed. Everyone else was just like. Yeah, I got yelled at because I said I was going to hang out because then i'd fight whenever you're probably the most relatable character on there if you're just in bed everyone else was just like yeah i got yelled at because i i said i want i was gonna take out the trash i didn't sign any contracts i wasn't gonna pay i'm like i'll take out the trash you didn't get paid well no no i did for the show but not for take out the trash and there was like 10 people it's so funny to think that you only do chores if you're getting paid no but i'm saying like i got reamed out like some guy was like you fucking lazy piece of shit you said you on the show though yeah and he was like it was a producer that would be fucked no the producer just watched it i'm like could you guys help and they're like

no and he's like raise your hand if anyone else picked up the trash and all these guys read their hand the trash was fucking heavy it was like three flights down the stairs like rose bottles crazy and but i knew it would stir some drama. I just didn't know it was going to be like my downfall. It's also just so funny. It's just funny when you offer to do something before you've like done it a couple of times. It was a volunteer gig. And you accidentally like pick something harder than you thought.

And like if you ever have to clean up, after we this is like so annoying sorry but after i do ayahuasca we're all like we've we've had this weekend of ayahuasca and we have to like clean up the place we were exactly the first time i picked uh um the vacuuming and you just don't realize how much vacuuming there is so like with the trash or like this is heavier than i fucking thought it smells i gotta do it it's smell we had to people didn't know like it was this mansion with like all these steps outside and the trash was at the very bottom where like all the producers were and i was like i'm not bringing this down at like midnight and also it was a very like lax thing i didn't think they'd make it a storyline but they

were probably in the other like interviews with the guys being like so this is the problem if enough people in the confessionals talk shit about you it becomes it's so easy to like they were like hannah's you know not not hanging out with the rest of the group and it cuts to me like going to the bathroom so like they could just do whatever they were masturbating the whole time i actually i was masturbating a lot i was going but that's what depression is you're just mad i mean we know that i watched the whole season of love island yes in like three days i think four i watched them all it was great but um basically reality tv was fun until you're not everyone's favorite wait you got in trouble on reality tv for sitting in your room and watching reality tv it was kind of meta that's very meta yes and it

wasn't on their network it wasn't that's what they let me say love island oh that's why they turned on me yep it's good to be turned on are you done with the show so i am not going back is that because you're engaged i got engaged and like it's funny i guess i'm the kind of personality where like i don't just like smoothly fit in like i'm either like love you and like i'm all about you and loyalty or like if I feel like shit's fake, it's like I can't fake it with people. Yeah. And that's kind of what happened in my last season where I was like, ah, the vibes are not right. So.

And were you already engaged that season? I had gotten engaged right after. But it's it's funny because the previous season I was like trying to fuck this hot model and everyone's like we love Hannah and then I met this guy who came on the show and we like we're fucking in all these rooms and they were like Hannah's disgusting and he ended up being the love of my life so it just doesn't wait you met your fiance on the show no I met him before the show and then was really lonely in five weeks and I'm like can you please go and they're like we'll just make this the storyline but i thought it was gonna be like this romantic

like beautiful like thing but instead everyone's like he didn't hang out enough with us and i'm like he's 45 and sober but um but the thing is i learned in my life like you're gonna have a lot of battles and some battles it's okay not to win but i wasn't that great on reality tv no you that's a win though three seasons of a show two out of three i was good but i either come off like super authentic and everyone loves me or they're like she's a cunt and i'm like but i like you all of us it's like we're on like like annie like we would have had the same thing where people would love you for two seasons then you go a little too far people are like she's kind of a bitch no but i would rather that than be like the one everyone got along with that's so boring and i mean i wasn't even fighting with them it was like people like i fought with a bunch of guys

who were like accusing me of shit and i was like don't talk to me like that and everyone's like hannah's an emotional crazy you gave them tv what about the girls were they nice or like did you get along with them the girls were they were i actually did get along with the girls. But the guys teamed up against you? Well, I do think guys hate female comics. Duh. Yes, that's what I'm saying. They literally would yell at me. He's like, you're not fucking funny.

Your podcast sucks. And I'm just sitting there like, this is so mean. I mean, it was called Cut Out. But I would sit there, and I'm like, dude, what's the actual problem with me? Because it's not the garbage.

And then I was like, maybe I should surround myself with people who want to be creative and fun and talk shit and like that's where i'm at now but it kind of it was a a tough part of my entertainment career where like i got a lot of hate online for a bit just because it's reality tv and that's what people love yeah but i've i'm something i'm a comedian i think i want everyone to love me and think i'm hilarious it's not i feel like you're just like you're too weird and different for that group of people. Yeah, that's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

I meant it as a compliment. So that's good. Even though I was calling you bad things. But Esther's old podcast, her first podcast was Weird Adults. Oh yeah. I loved it. But I didn't ultimately fit in.

And it ultimately was my demise. It was good in the beginning. It was great because I was like fun and different until I became popular. And then people were like, oh, we can tear this girl apart. Because I'm not actually good with social. I went to a bunch of different high schools. I don't really know the Mean Girl games. I'm kind of like, we'll just be like, what?

Or I'll cry. Yeah. No, it is weird. I'm good at like the funny sarcastic banter. But if someone's actually coming for me, I get scared. Yeah. Let's take a banana break. I have a question for you, Esther.

Are my holy socks on brand with sleepover by Esther? Yes. Oh, my God. You should have some with like holes in the crotch. Thank you. oh my god you should have some with like holes in the crotch thank you Hannah

when when emotions run high or when feelings are felt on this show even though they weren't we take a potassium break or we just take one

or George waves a banana in the air he blows it you guys can't see it's off camera it's deep throat time and then he's like it's your turn

I just had a big breakfast so that's the most illogical shit I've ever heard this was such an Esther make everyone do something

she's gonna sit back and watch and not participate I'm gonna watch you all blow bananas and jerk off under donut this is your weird fetish

you're like do you guys wanna put a banana in your mouth I think it's cool you were on that I like I I stay in reality TV so I like I I stay on reality TV

so I I mean I fucking love reality TV I love watching it but I like the character because good like what happened to you what you're telling me

I didn't watch the show no offense not because of you you'll be the only reason I would watch it if I'm being completely like I will is it weird

if I go back and watch it no not at all I I because then we'll have you back on and you know I'll have a lot to talk about. I feel bad I don't know because I'm going to love it

and I'm going to be on your side. It's a great watch, Summer House. I'm 100% going to be on your side. Everyone should watch it. I started season three. Wait, that you're not in? I wasn't in the first two seasons. Three to five.

Oh, that's why. So you came in like the cool, yeah. Okay. And then they're like, fuck you. Are there still original cast members? Yeah, it was the OG cast members that were like, we're done with you. Oh the cool, yeah. Okay. And then they're like, fuck you. Are there still original cast members? Yeah, it was the OG cast members that were like, we're done with you. Oh, okay, yeah.

But like we gave you a shot. Also, why are they for five summers can't find a lover? They're looking every summer for a person. And they're mad at you because you found a guy. No, this is the problem. Having a healthy relationship on reality TV is very hard. Because first of all all when we'd be filming they'd be like okay go hit on some bros at the bar so i'd make eye contact with a guy

and i'm like i could do this but there's a camera guy and like four guys holding lights behind me and i'm like hey guys would just run or they'd talk to me and then afterward they'd be like hey can you sign this and they're like no i'm a finance bro like i don't fuck with this stuff and then let's say you meet a nice guy and then you're like hey in three weeks i'm doing this reality show where you'd have to be a part of it or like people would not be happy that i can't hide parts of my life right so and then the kind of guys that do want to do reality tv with you are almost as problematic as male comedians no i can imagine absolutely makes sense yeah and then i met a comic a couple two weeks before the reality show named des and we like got coffee we hit it off and i'm like hey i'm doing a reality show in a bit and

he's like figure out your stuff i ended up calling him like every night just crying being like there's i just fought with 13 people and there's only seven people on the fucking cast and he's like that's wifey material but i was like the worst with this guy like i was maybe he liked the drama subconsciously but i was just like a mess then we'd like jerk off and then we'd like talk about life like it was tremendous it was like five hour phone calls i was also sleep deprived during it which didn't help my calmness during the fights oh you guys have phone sex we would have phone sex late at night i'd be on the phone from when filming ended to like 4 a.m i would like go in the laundry room are you facetiming or no we do facetime i'd go in the bathroom facetime because there's cameras everywhere

that's what's so fun that's why i pay for the live feeds of big brother because i'm trying to watch people like masturbate and fuck and you can always tell when they prop the pillow up like so there's like a it's almost like a little tent for them the live feed of big brother like that is actually better than the show i just want to hear the long unedited boring conversations like and it's fun to like go they're gonna put that in like i'm always like yeah reality the filming is actually like pretty realistic. I mean, obviously there's moments where you have to like push a storyline,

but it's the edit where they contextually put things to make whatever they want to make sense. And sometimes it is pretty truthful. And sometimes you're like,

oh, you didn't have any other options. So that was like the craziest thing you're going for. But Des ended up coming on the show. I mean, his agent was like, don't you dare.

But he didn't tell him. And did he want to or did you have to talk him into it? It was kind of like we were in this very initial like we had three hot dates and then I left. So it was this like mysterious like I just want to see you. And he's like, you know, and I wasn't allowed to see him because of COVID. Because if I like met him and got COVID and got everyone sick, like I'm fired. So he was like, come meet me.

And I'm like, I literally can't. This is my job on the line. So he finally came and we just like hooked up, laughed, had fun. He left. And then I kind of moved in with him like two, three weeks after the show. It was a very interesting dynamic. I kind of moved in it was one of those things where he's like it's just like weird when you leave and you're like why

would i leave yeah like i'm gonna just come back here anyway society makes it so romantic where guys like here's the key yeah do you want to move in with me and he was like do you gonna you want to get your stuff and just like and i'm like i can't tell if you're comfortable with this you're just trying to make me okay like i it was a very awkward like i think that's how most moving in happens anyways at least for me and bobby i think on our third month together because i had a place in long beach and we were i lived an hour away i lived in long what was your place like was it i had a two-bedroom apartment it was my place yeah you love um and i loved it i loved living there but then bobby was like don't go home live with me in the squalor you know this mound of shoes you're such a lucky

organize and clean when you came oh my god i dedicated a whole month my mom and i to just redoing his entire apartment because i was like if i'm gonna going to live with you, this is not happening. That's what Des did with your emotions. He's like, I'm going to rearrange her emotions. So Des, I got a dumpster. And I was like, honey, we need to throw some shit away. And I'm not the neatest bitch, but I was like, I put a dumpster in front of his house. And I think it was like this metaphorical, like, get that old shit out.

That's not kind of hot. Thank you. To just like wake someone up a little scary though when you're cleaning out everybody like someone like bobby's place my mom things are alive in there my poor mom is like bit by something no but it's like he's she's my mom is like unearthing pictures of him with like women and not always how to do that's the thing with older men. They've had a life before you.

Right. And then so my mom, you know, we were just so cool about it. We were just like, let's put this in this box. She's like, let's frame this one. Yeah. He looks cute in it. And he had so many contraptions, like vibrating things for the tip of his dick because he's into that like Brookstone massager.

What? And my mom just kept pulling out. I know what to get him for christmas guys guys are into um vibrators as much as women you know how annoying it is though like i went with my one boyfriend who like we went to the sex shop and he was like looking i'm like can we work on me coming more you guys like you come so much it's like we have to double like we have to add more guys to come there's just like a brisk wind. Like, we need the moon in Aquarius. Wait, is that a common, did you guys know that guys want vibrators on their dick?

No, but you and you? Do you know what is your name? What is yours? Vibrating dick rings? Yeah. I like it on my penis. Yeah, but any type of massaging thing works. Like vibrating dick rings?

Yeah. I've never heard of those. I've never heard of this. I got a new, I have a new toy. So you don't have to. Don't go there. Don't go there with your brain. I got a new, I have a new toy. Don't go there. Don't go there with your brain. I got a new toy.

It's one of the, the like, the suction, air suction ones. but I haven't, I haven't tried it yet because I want to try it with Todd. Wait,

is it the, the one on Amazon for 36 bucks? No, it was expensive. I went to the sex store and I, it was very expensive. I went to the sex store

and I asked the lesbian working, I go, what do you use, bitch? I want to know what you use, bitch. Oh, I love that. It's like when you go to a restaurant and you want to know what you use bitch oh i love that it's like when

you go to a restaurant and you want to know what they actually eat in the back well you got the pleasure chest okay so the pleasure chest is in uh on what is it on santa monica and west it's like an iconic sex shop in west hollywood and so they had a tj miller used to run a show with this guy eli in the sex shop my only friend who who visited me in the hospital when I was there he was trying to fuck you because he worked next door no that was when I went and I had shingles and I think a ruptured cyst in my own two arms so elderly it's just you were admitted for it like you were in the hospital yeah because I went and I didn't know that I had shingles I went because I was having terrible stomach pains and they're like we think you had an ovarian cyst rupture.

We're not sure. And then the stress from that maybe gave you the shingles? And then at the end of the night, the doctor, I was like, by the way, what's this rash? On your back, the band? The doctor, Dr. Bronstein. Oh, so such like hero energy. He was like, oh, you have shingles. And I was like, thank you.

Was he hot? No, but you know when you can tell you get an emergency room doctor who really gets off at what they do? Yes, yep. I have a damsel in distress complex. So we just vibe. I miss you, Dr. Brownstein. It was a wonderful day in 2016.

A damsel in distress. You do have a – I sometimes save – I like to save you sometimes. Yeah. Wait, so what happened with your clit sucker? Okay. I haven't used it yet. I haven't used it. It's just sitting there because I had to go out of town.

I got it and I had to go to town. I was like, I'm not going to take it and use it on the road. Why not? Without him. Because I want to like christen it with him. I want to use it first with him. But I'm so glad I didn't because Josh Potter and I had adjoining rooms. And I was like – I mean, he definitely heard me like blasting ass in the morning.

I was like, it's kind of fun that me and my friend have this walkway. But it also was so weird. Like at one point we were hanging out and I was like, he was standing in the doorway and I was like falling asleep. I was like, I had like Kit Kat, you know, falling on my mouth. I was like, take the Kit Kats and run, please. Let me sleep. I feel like joining rooms with your friend is like a little too much pressure for me. Like I wouldn't know, should I keep the door open?

But is that going to pressure them to open their door? Oh, I have requirements. We know your door is open when they fucking pop it. Yeah. I feel like conjoined rooms, it was like your dream come true. It is with like some people like you guys. Is it conjoined or adjoined? Conjoined twins.

I know that. So it might be adjoined. But is it joined or? Why don't we just say connected? Yeah. Connected rooms. That's the vibe. Connect.

I have a question. When you go to a green room and you have like two random male comics there. I closed green room from now on. Wait, what does that mean? You put it in your rider. Closed green room. No one's allowed in my green room. I'm obsessed with you. And they talk show you who gives a fuck i'm obsessed with you because i've i

have this new thing where i'm headlining and some rooms the it's literally a bathroom with like a tiny green yeah and then all you're talking about buffalo by the way yes buffalo you motherfuckers have a closed green room now because of you they come in they sit down they man spread you go hello no okay it's a full frat room you're like this is how bad things happen wait who are these guys coming in no so they're your like opener and your feature and they're always like great nice guys but you walk in as a woman you have to bring your own feature now you just drop the cash it's better pay for their flight give them extra money to make it like worth their time get someone that's good you? Cut that part out for when I bring John. I said get someone that's good.

Cut that part out. I have a full nervous, like, poop cycle before I go on. And it's totally normal for me. I just know. And also sometimes I just want to go and sit on my phone in the bathroom. But I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the bathroom. They all got all, like, weird. And I just want to be able to have explosive diarrhea before my set in peace.

It's very normal. That's not too much jazz. Not too much jazz. I love the Buffalo guys, but I think they just don't. I mean, it just was like, okay. And you have to then kind of be a bitch to people and be like, I need you to leave. But you don't really want to have to have that energy before you're about to go on stage with these people and stuff too. So closed green room, no offense.

I like to meditate before I go on. You can't be in here. Sometimes I had an opener. I like to meditate before I go on you can't be in here sometimes I had an opener it's always someone that has asked me to open for me that I've ignored that has then gone through the club and somehow gotten the gig which they'll be the host instead

and then I'll literally have them put a do not disturb sign on the thing and the guy I'm telling to not disturb will just walk in and go oh shit oh they put the sign I would go yeah get the fuck out wait so do you now you bring Josh and then is it just you guys on josh i bring lizzie sometimes i bring my friend mike racine but if you bring

one person is it just a two-person show sometimes it's two person it really depends on on what like and sometimes i like to have another person there it was really fun with lizzie we had brant tobler it was in um in colorado and brant's like local so he's like a dude doing like local more local jokes like and then and then Lizzie's fucking crazy.

Lizzie Cooperman has like a piano and she's going nuts. And then it was me and then he would come up and bring me up. It was just like a good breakup. I mean imagine if green rooms

were made by women for women there would be a full like makeup like vanity like vanity there'd be tampons everywhere we should do that you know that like huge like male comics ask for crazy shit like they ask for like crazy things like so it's like i mean just like to get them like a certain type of like specific alcohol like just things that are hard to get i think

people like a piñata once yeah i just wanted a piñata in the room i want to go in exactly you want to meditate you're like give me my crystals i want no literally a candle yes i want um i want a cord i want spa music and i want tampons everywhere i want like a little massage person just in case i want no i want bean bags filled with tampons I want no but there are well I always ask for because my opening I do stuff with like a lot of energy drinks

so I have to ask for like so many five hour energies and they're like they never and I'm like you have to you guys have to go get them I need them

sometimes there's not even a place god forbid you want to curl your hair a little like you can't even find a plug it is wild a vanity would be amazing I have to say I've been like

what in this business for like 10 years i've never thought of one thing i would want on a writer ever they always ask and i'm like nothing i have no idea liquid death or something you just got like the thing you like i just should we talk about um our um search for a third oh my god go on friday night esther and i went down a rabbit hole because we were like we should find we should have threesomes with our partner and so we then asked carlos to send wait why you go from threesome to carlos because carlos oh we can't believe we're broadcasting this we can take it out if it's too much. We're not taking it out.

We're not taking it out. Live on NBC. Because Carlos is the only person we know who sees escorts. He's definitely not the only person we know. That's so cute. And we were just talking about, like, you know, opening up the bedroom. And we agreed that if you were going to bring someone else in, I think a sex worker is a better option. Because it's transactional. And you don't have to coach them.

They know what they're doing. They're amazing. They know what they're there for. They're being compensated. Dave, is this cool or you're just hypothetical? This for me is hypothetical. But then Carlos. Dave is watching this now and i'm in

trouble and we're gonna have a 10 minute talk right i can't imagine saying to todd let's go get a hooker what would he say he would say no yeah dave wouldn't he would be like no really yeah what about you hannah des isn't like that into strip clubs also he's old like you know how many tits this guy's seen like he doesn't even care anymore but maybe like we're also like kind of new in our relationship so maybe like when he's sick of my pussy in like a year we'll see yeah i know like down the line maybe you've been together for a long time long time yeah same almost a decade so it seems interesting the idea of a sex worker would be like maybe she'll teach you something new yeah but then the the women that carlos she's a tutor of sorts showed us well the women the the links of the women that carlos sent

us they would squash esther these women were like tall and beautiful and bodacious and big esther you'd get lost yeah it would be an unfair let's be real dave wouldn't be there dave would not be there so esther would have full reign dave would be in the corner possibly trying to get in esther would be like swatting him away donut would be there is it interesting to think like because you want to be into it too yeah to be like well what kind of girl would i be into but then you also want to make sure he's also into it right but then you also don't want to get jealous that he's into it you know what todd might not say he does watch lesbian he does yeah i don't know we had that in common my ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend yes wait have you brought this up yet to

bobby no i don't think he would be opposed, though. Why? I think we're just at a point in our relationship where it's like anything goes. What do you think he would do? Do you think he would do it? He would be into it or I'd force him into it. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like you don't have a choice right now. You rape him. I think more. I think it's probably more for me than it would be for him. Yeah. I just need sort of a shake up a little bit. Yeah. And maybe.

Do you think you would be a little jealous watching him fuck me? I would love to see him fuck someone else. I do like getting jealous. I do like the feeling of getting jealous when I feel safe.

Yes, exactly. I like feeling cucked. I am a little bit There's a little bit of like, I like when someone likes my man. I like when people think I'm a boyfriend.

Same, same, same. I do, but then like him getting pleasure off of them is like that next level. Like I love when girls want to fuck my mans. Yeah.

But you don't want to see i have a friend who she in her head she thought she was so down for this threesome she brought the girl in it was a friend of hers and the friend thing is yeah that's rough midway through her man fucking her girl she kicked she put her um heel in on his pelvis and kicked him off of her. Oh, I love that. And she was like, enough. And then they probably started fucking so good after that. Yes.

Really? She was like, enough. You're done. Because he liked it. You know he liked it. She was fighting for him. I want that feeling. Yeah.

I want that feeling. Would you rather have a threesome or sit and watch? I would probably. My first move is to watch. And then jump in if you want to i just don't i just want to feel like a creep if i'm like sitting and watching i'm a lawyer i would i just want to say this i'll put this on record i'll say this on record forever in the room all three of you i would watch any of you guys have sex with someone if you ever if that invitation you know what i like to you're very like hide

you're hideable like you could pull this off like there's many like closets like i have a chest where we put like shoes and like blankets and stuff like i could see you popping out of that i could fit you into this i could see you in so many spaces like i if you do get the escort like i would love nothing more than to just be there literally there could be a plastic glass i would walk in and walk out probably but i would want to like be a part of like see the thing i'd want to see what happens i'd want to you know what i'd want to watch you push the girl off of bobby and then go for him now esther you um have always and you're friends with a lot of porn stars but you've always had a fascination with porn stars correct

yeah now when you meet a porn star do you think think it's weird that you've seen them come? Do you feel like you should have seen all of your girlfriends come? I don't know. Once you see someone come, you kind of know they're... I don't understand where you're going with this. It's like watching someone sneeze. Oh, really? I just feel like it's like you're seeing someone in an uninhibited...

It's always laughter. Yeah, that's true. That's right. I've never made anyone laugh or cum I think the only person I would feel uncomfortable watching fuck

is probably like my sister yeah but everybody else is fair game I'd love to watch it but then you would know what moves were like your DNA

yeah and I'm like you'd be like I do that move oh my god yes I feel like I'd be more jealous if Des was like yeah I met this girl

and like she's so interesting yeah like I was just thinking that like Todd's never like come if Des was like, yeah, I met this girl. I'm like, she's so interesting. Yeah. Like, I was just thinking that like Todd's never like come home and been like, oh, my God, this new. Like when Des says someone's hot, I'm like, yeah, she is hot. But if he thought someone was funny that we already knew or something, but it's like, don't meet a new funny girl. Like, wait, she just.

Or if it's a comic and you thought they were funny on stage, yes. But if you're like vibing with them like in person. If they're creative. If he says she has great energy I'll kill myself I do like though I do like because Todd used to work at the comedy store

so I like to be like like you don't really like that many he's like yeah I don't think that many people are funny I'm like yeah but like you always thought

I was like I'm always like tell me about the crush you had on me I'll tell you what the most insecure I am is Bobby around artsy cool women

yeah if not hot women so me around artsy, cool women. If not hot women. Artsy. She didn't say fartsy. But I know what you're saying. Yes. In fact, I think I would probably die if I saw Bobby make out with or just

kiss someone like gently versus like full-bl blown fucking someone. For me, it's my big insecurity is so sad. But people who read books, like if Dave got into a conversation with a girl about books, I'd be like, I'm done. What if they read book? What if they read book? Actually, Des. Des, you read book. Des loves history because he's been around since the dinosaur age and i don't i love like learning

about i'm like what happened like with the world wars like two three four like what happened and he'll like tell me but like what if he spoke to a girl who was like and then do you remember when this happened like that would yeah but he wouldn't like that if he loves you then he wouldn't like that you know we have this thing called professor Dave, which is when Dave acts like a professor and he teaches me about something. It's really fun. You guys should try it. It's like hot to respect a guy's mind.

I've never tried it until recently. It's cool. Yeah. He's like me. I haven't. I do need my partner to know more than me. I can't be the smarter person. I do like learning from my partners and stuff,

but I've had boyfriends where it's like, the amount of dumb you think I, I'm not dumb, man. Like, I can't read and stuff, but I'm smart. Like, you can't pull this on me. Bobby's like. There's like too many life lessons

where I'm like, you're seven years older than me. Shut the fuck up. Bobby's an interesting one because he's like, he is a genius. He's life dumb. But he's also, yeah,

he's like incapable of doing basic things. Yeah, he's incapable. He doesn genius he's life dumb but he's also yeah he's like incapable of doing he's yeah he's he's incapable he doesn't know smarts does bobby secretly know things i hate when my dumb friends aren't on but he is such a fucking genius yeah how would you describe what kind of he's he's honestly like he's a savant he's his brain just doesn't operate in like a traditional classroom way but he he is brilliant in everything else. Like he is always like his brain is just on fire. But that's what's cool about him. Like you're not going to meet another guy whose brain is like him.

He is one of a kind. He is his own prototype. It has not been remade. What did we learn today, guys? Annie is on to a clit sucker. Barnacles are not as bad. Which kind of looks like a clit sucker. Barnacles.

Yes. Barnacles are clit suckers. That's all we learned today. We may want to get into the business of barnacles are not as bad which is kind of looks like a clit sucker barnacles yes barnacles are clit suckers that's all we learned today we may want to get into the business of barnacles yes correct or guano bat shit we're on the lookout for sex workers sex workers if you well we shouldn't solicit where do you look though but did you guys is there like a sex craigslist yeah there is there is. There is. Carlos knows. And Esther kept, she was like,

that's too expensive. It was not even expensive. Wait, I didn't say that. Carlos said that. Oh, was it? That was Carlos. She's like, Esther kept trying to underpay these women.

No, that was 100% Carlos. I want to go for the super pricey. Do you tip them? You tip them, right? I don't know how. I've never done it. Wait, let's go to the Bunny Ranch. Let's go to the Bunny Ranch. how. I've never done it. Wait, let's go to the Bunny Ranch. Let's go to the Bunny Ranch.

That's what I want to do. I would love to go to the Bunny Ranch. I've watched every episode. I'm down. Same. We'll go. You'll come with us on that episode. He's dead now.

But I think they're still doing it. Yeah, they are. I met him. He was a comedy fan. Why don't we just go to the Bunny Ranch as an episode? Yeah, we'll go to the Bunny Ranch. Hannah can come. Wait, but are we going to actually participate?

We're going gonna see what happens because when I went I met this girl bunny bling 69 I don't remember what her real name was I met her we took her around I went with my friend I was gonna buy him a breakfast blowjob but then it was $1,500 and I was like sorry but she

gave us a tour I tipped her 20 bucks we chatted she introduced me I bought a vibrator I bought the vibrator that's like uh looks like a toothbrush it's pink um and that was it you can hang by the bar just taking the vibes can i at least can i tell you guys what you what you're wearing yes yeah so annie's in the sad malibu barbie and i have no tits i'm sad lila is in the enchantment under the sea dance the colors are from the back to the future poster wait say that what's the name again enchantment under the sea dance that is made for me yeah that's the blood from all the fish you kill it's true hannah and off-camera pete are wearing the I spilled my grandma's wine.

And it's hand-dyed with a potassium spray gun. That's why it looks like an old lady used to wear it. It looks like you sneezed and your grandmother's ashes kind of went on the screen. And this one is not out yet, but it probably will be when this comes out. This is the Overlook Hotel. So it's the colors from the carpet of the hotel in The Shining. You are so detail-oriented. This is all I have.

Guys, I hung out with Esther a lot over the pandemic. This is all she has. It was so funny. I really was surprised when you passed it off. I was like, I bet you this bitch will just hand-dye these for the rest of her life. I've never seen you. You were so into it I it was very impressive everything I made myself was bad was so ugly and I knew she would give me a cute one

I'm like who made this she's like Dave it was always the Kylie lip kits of tie dye like it sells out immediately and I'm obsessed but yeah these are all made in America and in LA and I'm getting nervous so I'm gonna stop talking Let's get to the root of it. Hannah, do you have anything to add? Go to hannahburn.com for stand-up tickets. I'm going to be in Flo Rida. I'm going to be in North Carolina.

I'm going to be in Boston in a New York accent. Are you bringing an opener? I mean, we have to talk, bitch. I need to get new rules and new writers and I need to cut some people out of my life. and then listen to my podcast burning in hell mental health comedy pod I of course love you all on so good squad also so cool that you were on call our daddy I loved your episode oh my god thank you you were like the first guest I was one of the first post the breakup it was a lot of pressure that was crazy it was really good thank you i appreciate

that i love collabing with hilarious women and i'm it's actually such an honor to be on this pod because i literally yelled at my peoples and i was like if i go to la i just want to be on trash talk so trash you said it wrong oh my god she's like it's my favorite but that's what trisha paytas calls it as well yes you're not alone with the three girls i want it um trash tuesday and it's an honor and a privilege and we look cute esther thank you for our outfits this one's i'm so excited say how uh good our clips are but on the mic oh yeah i don't care about anyone's podcast actually but i see your clips and the aesthetic and you always hit with like a punchline that

makes me giggle and yeah you guys are doing a really good job and you should be proud of yourselves thank you so much and everyone should go check out your shows and your podcast burning in hell which is so good do you have two or and my podcast giggly squad which is from my friend from the reality show i have seen clips of that it's so funny to just you literally are just laughing oh my god yeah we just giggled the whole it's just it seen clips of that. It's so funny to just, you literally are just laughing. Oh my God. Yeah. We just giggled the whole, it's just no joke.

It's so good. Thank you. And then you'll follow me at being burns on Tik TOK and Instagram or wherever. Your tech talks are so fucking funny. This is like a masturbation ring and I'm really into it with Annie's clit sucker. I know.

And yes, speaking of clit suckers, um, Esther, did you want to do your day? You guys, thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye.

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