Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Hot Girl Intervention w/ Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors:  BetterHelp - Visit our sponsor http://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday today to get 10% off your first month. Mood - Get 20% off your first order and free gummies at https://hellomood.co and use promo code TRASHTUESDAY Zocdoc - Go to https://zocdoc.com/trash and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. More Jamar NeighborsWatch Jamar's Full Special on YT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4GuPpF6cAYYouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@JamarNeighborsComedyInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamar_neighbors/ Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 My Pleasure - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-pleasure/id1494518220 AnnieWood - https://www.youtube.com/annielederman Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera

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I'm doing stand-up comedy, and I will be in Miami, Boston, New York, and a bunch of other places. You can get tickets at EstherOnIce.com. Yo, what up, sluggies? I'm going to be in Canada and Toronto this month, April 21st and 22nd. I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina, May 12th and 13th and Salt Lake City in June, Calgary in August. I have a lot of other dates we're adding. So go to Annie Letterman dot com slash shows.

And then every Thursday you can get another dose of me on my solo podcast. Annie would can't wait to see you there. Hey, Sluggies, it's Nikki Glaser. I would love to meet you at one of my shows. I have meet and greets and you can just come to my show come see my live stand-up show i'm on tour right now the good girl tour you can check out all the tour dates at nikki glazer.com but upcoming dates that i'd really like to see you at because ticket sales are not cranking is ithaca uh greenboro durham and some go look at the thing and you'll see. This is why people don't go to my shows

because I don't know where I am, but I have so many dates coming up and I really hope to see you there. Thanks. I got like a whole package from, so this company bought Juicy and Reebok. So they sent me a bunch of stuff and I decided to,

this was a good episode to wear it. Oh, for sure. Lila will be left out, but did she even live in this country? Lila, here bitch i think she was but she wasn't like fully americanized but she was no but she was very latinized oh true wait show nikki your shirt wait let me see remember oh my god was this julia roberts i want to see britney am i wrong but i think paris wore it after. No, I think it started with.

It was Julia Roberts because Julia Roberts was dating her, the camera guy from her. And he was married. And she was not giving him a divorce. She wouldn't sign the divorce papers. So then she wore Dump Me and then they turned it in or Dump Him. And then they turned it into like a meme. It was like one of the og memes she wore another shirt too that was like her name on it that was like f you so maybe not that aggressive but it had the girl's name on it that's so crazy it's so crazy it's so mean like you're getting

the man also you're a movie star like i feel like you have when you have that high of a status you're the most beautiful famous movie star you gotta be careful when you're punching down right but there was no punching down then that's all that happened it was in the 90s and so it wouldn't like now i think it would get a lot of attention and people would maybe pile on but i think it's like we we only know about it because like certain meme accounts will like bring it back right it was like an underground artist no i remember it because she had armpit hair too remember yes and sweaty pits but it was x that was accidental it was she was like she forgot i think but who forgot remember sharon stone wore a gap t-shirt to the oscars one year these are just moments that all kind of like cloud together for me i just got like a how brave i am to be in a room with two pretty tall blondes right now

like that's you guys have a different life than me it's just different for you i was thinking of dyeing my hair brown recently and i and i and then i go no i can't because i will feel the shift i because i don't know it but i know we get something from life that I can't perceive and I can't really put my finger on. But we're getting something extra for me. But when you get attention as a hot brunette, like, you're really. Oh, then your face is bringing it. Yeah.

Yeah. Esther's just starting to get her hot attention. You are. It's like you've been bat mitzvahed honestly they oh that's so nice by the way i saw your man last night no he came home it was the first thing he was like i love esther and i love him he was like their love for you came through to me he was like because some people can be like they can know they can meet him without me even know me and not be as nice to him like they were

like it was just like he was like they just accepted me as if it was you and it was so nice he was like producing this major event and he was so good at his job he's so good at what he does it was such a like yeah it was just cool to see like he is really good at producing yeah there's a whole other skill like your life yes honestly he totally does yeah he really like he thinks about things in just a different way of like um just he thinks about the future everything like he talks he uses the word intentional a lot but to be intentional about things but it gets in the way a little bit when i like for instance i have to like make videos coming up of

being like greensboro come see me ithaca like and and the promoters are asking for them i hate making those videos so much you're good at them you just get them done like no i don't i suffer i want them to be really funny you always i know but you can't you like set things on fire yeah i always have to like one and then you know what i realized you like take a homeless man you gotta get the information. It's got to be like pop fast because I will like drag it on. Yes. And I'll notice people won't even wait for the joke. I'm like, oh my God, they think I'm just saying.

Because you can see in the algorithm. Well, I can just tell that it didn't like, there wasn't retention. So it didn't go. There's no, no, there's no retention. You got to do it in the first like three seconds. And yeah, it's, it's so, it's brutal. And I watch other comedians do it. And I go, what is the best way to do these shout out videos and there's no good way it's all crunches in the face like

come see us and do they work like i want to pull an audience one day and be like how did you guys find out about the show i want to know what is actually working yeah i just did a morning show today for um lexington kentucky i forgot about it so i like got out of like i had sleep mask marks on my face and I like rushed to the zoom and I'm just like I do this whole interview and then um and then they write me and they're like we forgot to record and I go not doing it again I'd rather just because I don't know that people watching morning shows are going are staying up late enough for comedy you'll see the views too when they put it online and it's like 41 if it's like a big hit

you know and you're like what is this do you guys ever when you if you like meet someone that's like a fan of yours on the street like my instinct is always to instantly conduct market research yeah like where do you know me from how do you know me like what what is it well that backfired on me i used to do that's why i don't do it i was on a date i was on a date with a guy once and we have to bleep so much of this i was on a date with a guy once. And we have to bleep so much of this. I was on a date with a guy once at the mall. And a guy at Boomlead, I was like, oh, my God, you're Annie Letterman, the comedian. And I was like, oh, my God, where do you know?

I thought he was going to list my credits in front of this guy. It was like a first date. Oh, my God. He was going to list my credits. And he goes, oh, you called me at the Ice House. Oh, my God. What have you asked? And it didn't, it was. It they'll they'll say they i don't i

don't want to hear any feedback ever that's my point like i just kind of like went through like why do i not want to hear but i don't want to hear any feedback ever ever like you don't like me i don't want anything wait that's a good that is really not to give you the feedback yeah no it's good Because then you'll be, okay, you'll be leading from what you like and what you think is good. Yeah. Right.

Instead of what, because I think everything bounces off because the algorithm got me all like messed up and twisted around. The A word is so. No, I watch Bert's videos and I'm like, he's so interactive. He goes into a town.

He like engages the townspeople. He's an alcoholic. I know. I'm like, i gotta get back on board is he no because here's the thing we we go out drinking like i don't want to be dramatic but i i like hung out with burt on the road and seen what happens like he's getting chased on the street he's topless if we're topless drinking in a bar we're getting raped okay it's right it's getting fans that want them to like sign their butt sheets you know what i mean but that's exhausting i mean he must in the quiet of the night alone have he's not alone he's on the tour bus with you're right he that's another thing if you i constantly keep people around too because i never want to be alone with my thoughts but i

think that that's what he does but he's just a marketing master and he's hilarious like i'm not taking anything away from his talent and like how real he is now he connects to people and how people just like love him but there are some people you watch that are marketing geniuses and i know i know that there are tricks to like like even hashtags like when i post a video and have to like hashtag stand-up comedy i want to fucking die you have to pay someone else to do it you can't those moments are too they take from you there is a monetary like there's a way you can pay someone else to do that humiliating part just so you don't have to i know but then i don't trust them to put up the clip that's gonna be good and like i just don't uh it's just nikki i've seen some sometimes

i gander into people's hashtags and it'll be like hashtag poverty hashtag like they'll be doing something hashtag hash i always say that okay so i it's gonna be forever no i like it i like it no it's cute i like it i'm gonna hashtag kill myself if we keep talking about hashtag oh why do you want to talk about that's what you should learn something really important from yeah i actually do have a question for you or basically there's something that you said a while ago that i recently relate to and it's kind of blowing my mind because i never thought i would but i remember you i don't know if it's your on your podcast or whatever but like you are not comfortable getting compliments about your like physical appearance and i was always always like how is that even

humanly possible and i think recently to get compliments okay that was my first thought to be fair um but like recently i'm working on not needing validation and reassurance and i feel like i must have some progress because when people compliment my body i'm like it is weird though but do you feel the same way from girls and guys is it different i do feel the same way actually which is even more which is also surprising do you still yeah and my my thing is that i can take it in and i can go yeah you're right like it does or my thing is always people are like your legs or your your like last yesterday I like took off my shirt and somebody I was like

someone works out and I go I don't I have my dad's arms I just got lucky like it makes me realize most things you have are because you bought like you're either rich if you're hot like you're hot or you're just your dad's jeans are good or your mom like my dad came in my mom that's why I have good legs it's not some it's not pilates it's nothing there's nothing i could do something extra to make it better but most of it is his arms too the reason that i don't have good legs is because my dad yes my mom exactly we have the same origin story but it's like i also feel like when you get compliments about your looks it's just it reinforces that that's important and that when now okay someone goes oh my god you look so pretty today when i don't look pretty do you not like me then so i

don't hear nothing and then it's like i always worry about it's i don't want my worth to be about my looks even though i'm desperate for that as well yeah it's weird like we're you know we're also in this business not that everyone doesn't like suffer with these things but i was thinking about today like we picked like the pits of hell for the whole world. Like the pits of hell though. Yeah. No, but we literally are on camera.

Like we are like, you know what I mean? We're wearing different outfits, different makeup. We're not doing Mary. Can you choice to not do makeup? Well, no,

you, you can't, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm, I'm wishing I'm trying to like wean myself off of makeup and hair and makeup because I did a show yesterday. It was like a,

just an appearance on a reality show and I'm showing up as myself but I'm like, the girls on the show are like stunning. I'm not gonna say what it is but I,

I watched the show for the first time and I go, I can't walk in there doing my own hair and makeup. Like I gotta hire a team. It's a thousand dollars at least for hair and makeup

because you have to go through people's agents and like they tack on prices. Yeah, of course. And then to get styled for something where you, that's another $1,000 at least for hair and makeup because you have to go through people's agents and like they tack on prices. Yeah, of course. And then to get styled for something where you, that's another $2,500 if you want to like not, because I don't have naturally like good style. When people are like, wow, you have great style. It's always because these two girls, Dani and Emma. Is that true though today?

No, but this is, this is a mess. But it's cute. This is great style. Maybe we like your regular style more because i like my own someone was like i have this friend if you ever need her to hire to like make your house cute and i was like i have that i wouldn't like either i want my own ideas please i agree you want someone to style your house yeah because i have no i don't have any skill i don't know how to buy a couch organized oh my god all of it i just buy my friends couches i go i've bought two of my friends couches i just buy them or you just know just like what which one is it and like i do that with everything like i don't understand i get insulted

that more girls don't go like oh where's your purse from i want to get that because every time i see something cute i ask where they got it and if i can get it and like what like because that's how i shop it's like sometimes i want them to find it on their own though. Just like to go through the effort. Like sometimes I'm like, I'm not going to like give you the, no, I get that.

One time a girl, I was like on a plane. I go, your sweatshirt's so cute. It was just like this baggy, like cute sweatshirt. I go, where'd you get it?

And she goes, Vegas. I'm like, well, we're not getting more specific. But like, like it was Italy or something. I know,

but I do get that. I'm like, you have to go find it, but it's fun to give people like a little challenge. Yeah. I don Gatekeep. I know. But I do get that. But it's fun to like show. You have to go find it. But it's fun to give people like a little challenge. Yeah. I don't know. You don't, you give them hints. They can ask you questions back.

I recently liked a friend's perfume and then. Oh, I don't like when people gatekeep a perfume. Oh yeah. People are weird about that. I've had people get really mad at me when I stole their scent. It was to the point where she was just basically so skirting around it and just said, it's in a blue bottle. I was like-

Is it this? Like that makes me feel like we're not living in a shared community tribe and like I'm exiled from the group. If you don't tell me your perfume, I'm like- I find myself doing that sometimes with things where I'm like, I found like some kind of beauty secret. And I'm like, I don't want to tell my friends who are already too pretty.

You already have an advantage. You have a head start. Yeah, I really I will withhold it. And I have to stop myself from doing it because I know that's such an ugly thing to be like, no, it's just for me. But is it a boundary, though? Maybe maybe it's a boundary. True. No, it's it's definitely being like like i don't want her to be prettier okay when i get it feels so unnatural because i'm not a gatekeeper but i only do it

when i feel like other people gatekeep with me and then i'm like do i just leave the gates unlocked too much and then i'm like should i try gatekeeping with them and it never feels don't change who you are for that because like it's i don't know maybe i've just like done mushrooms recently me too this morning you did microdose baby oh my god i need to i need some but i like it because it's helping you have add yes and depression and depression depression is fucking me up lately it's like four out of seven days i wake up and i'm just like do you know what i got my balcony like do you know how i don't looks like a nice is it high enough yeah exactly don't do that bitch don't jump i will never jump i mean that's like don't be dragging yourself on a skateboard i mean that is so humiliating

humiliating to be like twitching on the sidewalk like i'm so sorry did you see did you see midsummer the movie no wait did you call it embarrassing yeah like just to not have been able to do that i mean i know it's a little classic hack i'm like you can't even do that right but yeah um no my dad once when he was yelling at me my brother he was like i tell you guys to to run into traffic but with my luck you'd live and i just have to scoot you around for the rest of my life it was good i mean i want to talk about the depression thing because i feel like i'm too high on mushrooms to get to it it's so weird that you think i'm high on mushrooms right now are you on weed no you think i'm high

right doesn't it suck when someone thinks you're high yeah i feel so bad to me oh my god i hate people sometimes nail it for me and i'm like oh god it doesn't seem like bad i don't mean that with her though because i feel like no no i get what you're saying what am i giving that makes you a very like calm yes i told you why it's because i got here and pete was really like just i'm talking to a normal person um and i also feel at peace i'm with two hot blondes wait okay the depression thing yeah um what do you do on those days because i feel like i'm dealing with something similar i'm very much more an anxiety girl than depression. But when those lows come through, I'm like, oh, this is so much harder. Like, what do you do?

I get really, I start saying really weird shit. Like, almost to get attention, like, to get my friends, like, on my girls' chat. Like, I have a chat with, like, seven of my best friends, and I start like dark stuff because i know that they won't are they comics no you can't do it to comics they will not help no they won't exactly so mean they're they're all just my girlfriends and they know me so well and i've been like this since high school saying really dark things of like i want to die or i'm gonna do and they i know they're not gonna call anyone like it's like a suicide hotline before i'm actually, cause I'm, I know that I'm not.

Suicide hot girl line. Not too hot. They don't know my secrets, but they, I don't smell good. I'll tell you that. I just know that they, I just know that they've separate chats going on about my mental health.

Sometimes of like, Oh, should we like intervene? Because I just get really, I feel like I, cause I want people to like know how i'm feeling i think that's why people commit suicide a lot of times is because you want people to understand the pain that you're going how bad you felt because you don't

it's not like i i can't call in depressed to work like you can but it's kind of like we weird like if i had covid and said i guys i have like covid and had a cold or whatever i could not show up today but if i'm like i kind of want to like kill myself today so i'm probably not going to be good on mic it just is a weird you can't even call them cramps but do you find that if you don't cancel the thing that your depression is wanting you to cancel are you better no i'm terrible no but are you better after like oh i did it does that at least make you feel but because i get i like i i used to do a podcast four days a week and it was getting bad because it was just like one out of those four was going to be me in a bad mood not being able to be funny totally myopic thought process do you think you were trying to hold yourself accountable in that way like maybe keep yourself like the why i show

up because to do ford um that was during i came up with that plan during covid when no comedy was happening and i was like okay that's just my stage time then it's just you know get those 10 000 hours of broadcasting and right but um no i i get real but i get to a point where i'm saying really dark things that freak people out because i'm just wanting attention i want people to understand like i i'm not just sad i want to like i'm thinking about thinking about killing myself is soothing to me today and i want people i want to like scare people so I can I don't really want this but subconsciously I want love I want attention I want someone to go what's going on and I want to fucking cry and I can't cry crying is like coming to me I need like tools I need like and

I would be so scared to text me that though I would be like worried but yeah your friends are like trained they are because they're used to it I would be like worried. But do you think your friends are like trained? They are because they're used to it. Because I would be like go to the I haven't done it yet. I'm going to the cops or Dr. Drew. Somebody's getting called.

No, and I know and I'm like I know that so many times I've wanted to like I've thought I've been so suicidal and stuff and I've never even gotten close to trying it

and I know that that thought like today I'm like suicide why would you be suicide? Like life is awesome. I always know that on thought like today i'm like suicide why would you be suicide like life is awesome i always know that on the other side of it it's gonna get better so i do know but i'm totally open to like going to a place like gary goldman went neil i'm neil brennan like i like

these guys that talk about their suicidal ideations because it makes me feel like okay i'm not alone like and you can go to a hospital and just hang out they're not gonna lock you away forever like i've been in uh psych wards before do you have like manic swings too like where it's like you're like hyper hyper hyper like yeah it's usually it's sometimes after really big things like i remember after i um the last one that was a really bad episode of like it lasted like a week was after i uh guest hosted kimmel and it just came on after that because i think it was just such a high. And then afterwards it's just like,

there's, there's no more of that and the anticipation and everything. But I think it's, I remember that set. Wasn't that like, yeah, like roasted politicians. And then wasn't,

didn't you do a joke about female pilots? Was that you? I did do a joke about female pilots, but I don't know if it was that one, but yeah. I'm really glad that you like, I'm, I'm finding myself feeling grateful that you're open about this stuff because I. Especially with your outfit, your goth outfit.

I know you are really. I do not. I'm not some I don't identify as suicidal at all. However, I do like lately a lot have just a voice in my head that's like I always notice I say I like i want to die i want to die like yeah as soon as something feels cringy to me or like uncomfortable my go-to is i want to die i don't mean that but i do think that the fact that i'm even saying those words i shouldn't that should not yeah be happening it isn't like our in our language right now it's

like i'm dead like for yes funny and stuff like it's in our language a lot it's like i'm dead like for yes funny and stuff like it's in our language a lot it's like but it is good to write that because yeah words have meaning and like if you like you know scream at a thing of like glass of water it can like grow mold or you know what i'm saying like people were like nice to water yeah what's the bleep do you remember that movie i think maybe that was it wasn't it like the beginning of nixxiom too like that documentary isn't it weird how like second episodes when it gets weird you're always like first couple episodes like oh it's pretty chill it's all like based on psychology i'm always like oh yeah they're good and then someone it's always like some kid gets fucked and then anyone cutting you off from your family get the

fuck out of that system like that's um but yeah but what really gets me out of it is crying and it's so that is like it's the simplest thing i can't do it and i really fight it off when i'm depressed because i just don't because i almost when you're depressed you feel like you're like seeing the world as it is and you don't want to be anesthetized to how fucking bleak it is and you feel like you it's almost like a manic thing of like i'm jesus like i know what's what's up i like you when you see people screaming you're like why don't they just get help and it's like no because they think they know yeah and they think you're all dummies and that's what i think when i'm depressed i'm like

anyone that's like oh a dog or like oh like like that looks at the world and wonder i'm just like you're disgusting like you don't like you don't know what's really up and everything's shit like i'm lucky that i'm not living in fucking sudan or wherever like i acknowledge like i have privilege and all that stuff and that i shouldn't be depressed but i just feel like i don't want to get out of it but then i cry and then it freaks people out how much i can go from being like i want to kill myself like i'm checking myself in somewhere to like crying for two minutes. And then I'm like, let's watch Last of Us. Like I'm totally fine.

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for me i feel like i have to like save it so that they count when you cry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I do with orgasms. Crying and orgasms are the same. Selfie, it does well. I mean, people definitely save crying for Instagram. I mean, that is the next level where I'm like, that to me, I would rather have double penetration on camera than cry. No, I would rather people see my medical nudes, which are when I'm scratching and I'm like,

what is this? Like, no. Medical nudes which are when i'm like what is this like i know it's like i will like if something happens and it moves me to tears and that's on camera i'm okay with it now because that means that i like something really got me there and i want to like be able to express that however i'm not gonna be in a moment of crying that's not being captured and be like let's capture that's what I'm talking about I don't mind if like on my reality show I think I cried a couple days like sometimes I've cried a lot on camera because I think it I'm I'm more apt to cry on camera actually because you're more yourself in front of the camera I am I really am I'm more because there's an audience and it's not just me it's not selfish I'm like it's for entertainment purposes even though i'm not doing it to entertain at least i have the excuse of like well this just

wasn't just for you you selfish bitch like this was at least of use to this you know network can totally motivate you to dig deeper because you know you're sharing i think that's like a human instinct yes it's not just like i'm a performer i think there's like good yes that yeah i but i do think crying and coming are just so similar because i even like i don't know how you guys are with orgasms but i just like don't want to have them because i know once i do there's going to be this release and then i'm there's not a shame like the crying shame like but i just want i want to hold off because it feels so good i just don't want the good feeling to go away before the good feeling it's always coming you're anxiously attached to your own orgasm yes i have yeah yeah i i don't and then i miss them a lot of times like

i'll just hold off and then i lose it learn multiples i oh i thought you said you'll miss them like oh it was good and i was oh i weirdly don't relate to that at all but i feel like you can edge them away i've done that before yes that's what i've done i like swallow them like a fart yes yes i did it yesterday i was like oh my god i think i can swallow it like a fart it's totally and then your stomach goes yeah and then you're like oh this was not it's the opposite of like crying and releasing yes here's what i has helped me pinching off a poo and then keeping yeah you'll never know i know and that's the oh god you'll never catch me holding in a sneeze it's coming out i don't

care who's in the room that's your where's waldo everyone's just searching for us but i so for me i feel like i would love to be the kind of person that's like sexually is just like oh taking their time which i can and do but the second i know i'm about to or want to have an orgasm i'm like i will i almost get in a nasty bad mood i'm like i need it now like it's kind of gross actually no i i'm always like i got shit to do let's get this done but how are you like i'm the same way with food like i want to wait till i'm the hungriest so that it tastes the best yeah that is i want to wait for this orgasm when i'm when it's so bad like all the porn i watch is like they're called forced orgasms so they're like making women have orgasms against their will they're like tying women up and like forcing them

well because it's a true then it's not my fault i didn't do it like again it's like i'm not crying it's not me crying alone it's like this guy's making me cry like it's not my fault i'm not doing this like humiliating thing of being like like or whatever you're doing like coming is so uh embarrassing if someone else you can blame someone for it yeah it is you want to pass off the responsibility now i remember for a while you could not get yourself there on your own am i making that up yeah no i think that was a problem for me for a while and how how did you address that? The like suction vibrator thing. Oh yeah, those things, no mercy. And gang bangs.

I just let my porn searches go a little bit more than I felt safe admitting. Like, you know, when you like start to trail off and try new things of like, you see fisting in the corner, like you'll see like a little thing of like, there's a video for fisting and you go, something in your vagina like twitches for it but then you go i can't watch

a fucking fisting but i'm not gonna be into fisting i never would do that and then then you finally go you know what oops let me just see what this is about yeah like i'm fucking into fist i guess that's what i want and so i've i let myself indulge in those things knowing it doesn't mean i want that yes necessarily do you watch the show fleishman is in trouble no is it great it is okay so the reason i bring it up is because basically like my big theme that i took away from the show was like no matter what you choose if you choose your career if you choose to get married and have kids it's like when once you're on the other side of whatever your goal or whatever was, it's like you're still you and like nothing changes. And I obviously really related to that. And I'm just curious, like, do you feel that way?

Like, oh, I accomplished all this shit that like I really wanted and like it didn't solve all my problems. Like, how do you speak on that for me? I do feel that way because i don't really want to do anything else in this job like i have the respect of my peers that i care about i'm friends with some of my heroes or whatever and then you meet some of them you're like i don't even want to be friends with these people like i i don't want to be front like i have none of the drive that i used to have like i want to be famous i want people to know me um maybe i want to host snl like that's one last goal or like but i really don't really have that many other goals i'll check in on you the day after you do that right are you okay i mean i don't really want like i'm dreading

are you all right no i just mean like no like don't you get that like when you get asked to do something you go i have to do this because it's like a huge opportunity but i don't so much pressure yeah where well i just meant that it would be like the your goal reached and then the you get asked to do something, you go, I have to do this because it's like a huge opportunity. But I don't, so much pressure. Yeah. Well, I just meant that it would be like your goal reached and then the day after. Oh, like I'd check it on me. Not like you would have bombed or anything. No, I probably would. So what now?

That's like what I find myself asking. Like, what is, where is the fulfillment coming from? Just friends, hangs, fun, like being around people that i like like not doing jobs just because of i mean doing jobs for like the money for sure because why not it's like once you reach a certain level it just gets insane and then you're like i'm gonna be okay for life and like you just never think that's gonna happen but taking jobs that are fun and like um and yeah just the hangs i like hangs i want like fun oh my god. Laughing. Yeah, I just want to hang out with friends and be like,

I'm figuring out where to move next based on like who's available to hang, who doesn't have families yet, who I was like thinking about getting a house recently. And I was like, maybe, cause Whitney has always told me like, that'll make me feel grounded and settled if I own. Has she ever given you that speech?

Yeah, but isn't it like also, doesn't seem so stressful. Owning a home is also so hard and so much work yes stressful so i don't think it's like a a band-aid or like gonna solve problems no nothing i have to say like i really came to this discovery recently too like laughing with friends that's like the tippy top that's it it is that is the best feeling that's because it's not a drug. It's not harmful for you. Like it's, you know, I don't know.

I'm also like, how do we hack our, like, I kind of am on this also quest to like somehow outsmart dopamine because it's just, and like, is dopamine ruining our lives? Like, is it like? No, I think, I don't think so. No. I think it would keep going and going. You have to like, you have to feel what bliss feels like and chase it like force yourself into that vibration

i think you can just stay there like what what what is your what are you pursuing at this point in your life you guys like what's your what we're like what what are your goals inner peace please what does that look like for you like what are you what's something that you wish would go away for you right now like that anxiety anxiety about in my head like what's what's a loop in your head that you wouldn't have i mean it's just like it's anything no matter what is going on it's like are you a people are mad at me person no i'm actually not that's good but i'm more like longing i'm always like longing for something in the past or like just a lot of anxiety loops, I would say. But I'm just wondering, like, because when I hear anxiety, and I know a lot of times that people have anxiety, they can't put a finger on what it is. Is that how it feels for you?

You just feel tense? Yeah. Or is it a specific thing? No, no, no. Because you know what? things no no because you know what there are things that i have been so anxious about that took over my life that i'm absolutely 100 now can look back and be like oh my god that was purely anxiety right like there was nothing more to that there was no truth behind that right and so now and then it always moves on to something else so similar to depression because depression there's

no truth behind any things i'm saying when i'm depressed of like you're not talented you're ugly you've tricked everyone everyone's you're aging you're old you're fat whatever it's like oh you don't want to dreams i go to find truth you're like i heard a couple in there oh you just go right to youtube you can find them oh yeah oh yeah but it's always someone that will give it to you no you're right you're right and But it's but anxiety is it's lying to you. You get caught in a loop of like this. Yeah. And then the other thing that fucks with me is like I'm reading all this like self-help

and like science on the subjects and stuff. And I'm like, I'm aware. I'm literally aware that the things I think are just anxiety loops. I know. But that doesn't fix it. It doesn't fix it to even know that like, I'm dating these guys because my dad did this thing. Right.

Wish that would lift it. Like that's the fucked up thing about therapy. You get in, you figure out why you are the way you are, and it doesn't fix it to know. It almost gets, it just keeps getting worse. The more you know, the worse it is because you know how bad it is and you can't fix it. It's like, I don't know why I'm so used to this concept that like once i know the problem the problem is gone but that's not

true the other day i i had a friend that like thought i was mad at her and i was just so mad because i was like then i was mad at her because i'm like why would i be mad at you yeah like do you i always tell my friends ian fidance is always like calling me back after we hang up like was that weird are you mad at me i'm like oh my, I've never once been mad at you, Ian. Literally never. You're so pleasant. You are so like respectful. But are you someone that has that? Is he triggering like a part of you that you have with other people? Do you have a thing where you think people are mad at you? Never. No, I don't have that either. I really get boggled. I get, I feel like people don't know me when they think I'm mad at them i'm like you think i get mad at you about what that like that's something weird yeah i think i can explain that because i think that's just people who have anxious attachment in that relationship this was something whitney actually pointed out to me that was so helpful because i was having an

anxious attachment with someone and she was kind of giving me advice about it and she was like look at your relationship with me she's like if if you call me i don't answer do you are you concerned i'm like no not at all i know i'll see you we'll talk she's like so you have a secure attachment with me right and i was like oh i like i loved knowing what that felt like and it really helped i don't know i guess you're not the one with the issue but no but i definitely have insecure attachments like my relationship i realize i put way too much stock in it and has way too much of a hold over me. Like he's someone that needs to process.

If we get into a fight and we make up and everything's fine, like he understands my point. I understand his point. We understand what we're going to do in the future. He still needs time to like get over the hurt and maybe like be alone a little bit or like maybe mope a little bit. That's so annoying when you're anxious because you're like, I can't fucking deal with it. Bury it.

Yeah, let's be done. I can't. I can't be. And then I want to leave because I just want to not be around him when he's processing, but then it triggers his abandonment stuff if I leave. So I have to like kind of stay. It's this weird dance. But I realize that so much of my depression is dependent on like if my

relationship is feeling, if I'm feeling like seen and loved enough. But then when I'm single, I don't I'm like, what is what triggers my depression when I'm single? I don't even know. I guess if a guy like is texting me, but it's like a lot of that shit. Oh, I was so angry when I was single. Right? Oh, my God. It was brutal.

I kind of like fed off of it. Like I liked the excitement of like, will he text back? Oh, I just texted this really bold thing that really hit it. Like ask him, would you go to like all your guy friends and be like, was this crazy that I just texted this?

Totally. Yeah. And they'd say, I like never talked to my guy friends on that. I have a boyfriend. It's not because I have a, it's like, because I'm like,

what am I going to call them? I don't need advice. Todd was cool today. That's so true. That's what they were there for. Yeah. But Todd's really securely attached. I was talking about that last night where it's hard when you, I think, put your

career first and you're like, not even, I like was not focused on having a relationship, even though I was dating and stuff and still getting all fucked up over guys. I was busy. I was like, I don't want a relationship. I want to focus on this. And then I got to a point where I was like, okay, I should probably get a relationship. You know, in my late 30s and then i was like oh wait all this securely i'm anxiously attached so i either need to somehow cure the way i am or i need to find a securely attached guy but all of them are fucking married because they're secure and i'm like anyone that's older than me is and not has never been married is fucking you gotta go so then i went younger i snatched that up before yes because you're secure your relationship

secure secure he is secure and so i came into this relationship extremely anxious there was just never ever going to be another option for me um and then i have become secure that's what they say it can like that calms you down that's what's amazing is that's nice however i struggle with so i recently realized that my emotional needs were not met as a child and i think that is a big problem but so we've been talking about like okay i need again i think having a secure person that you can communicate your needs to is huge and i think it sounds like that's what you guys are doing like if you know he needs space after whatever that's annoying but it's like yes like yeah i know that

he'll get over it eventually i have to like tell myself that yeah because in my mind i'm like we have to get over it and i'm not gonna be with someone who's like this the rest of my life fuck this i want to cut and run like i to like, I want to fucking jump off the balcony every time he does it. But would you be interested in a guy if he did do everything you wanted? Who knows? You'd be like, yeah. You know? That's the question where I go, should I be with someone who doesn't process things like this?

Because it's such a trigger for me where it used to be the point where he would, when he was much more immature and like didn't do work on himself he would punish me with silence for like which a really long time and it was brutal and i just took it because i and he didn't respect me and i didn't really respect him because i just wanted a boyfriend and was like lying about who i was to like fit the mold of the woman he wanted and um and then he found out i was lying and then he was i mean it was so dysfunctional but i told him in our relationship now after we've broken up a lot and like done a lot of work and gotten back together i'm like if if that ever happened again it's the same as if you hit me like i can't it's it would be worse to me than and then and but the problem is he knows what he's doing he knows how much that would hurt you exactly cutting into a wound he doesn't do it

anymore now because he knows like i can tell him like i can see that he wants to go there and just punish me with silence because that's his go-to right happened right and that's it or something right i don't fault him for it and that's where we get mixed up because he will be like i go i don't judge you for this being your thing like i i don't hate you like sometimes i do hate you for it but i can look at it and go, oh, this is just the way you are because of how you were raised. Like, I think that sometimes

if you haven't done enough work on yourself, you can't, there's so much blame being placed. And couples are always like, well, it seems like you're putting all the blame on me. And I'm like, it's like, I'm not putting the blame on you. I'm just saying you do this thing that triggers me and you do this thing.

It's not your fault. It's your parents' fault. They're parents' fault. It was fault. Yeah, and it's also, it's like i could heal this part of me but it's gonna be really hard if you keep poking it at me and stuff well that's like a true trauma bond it's like that at that point what you're saying in the like previous iteration of your relationship was like your trauma up against his trauma like and it it's that's that hell. And the fact that now like you're communicating, that to me is so like, honestly beautiful. Like the fact that, like, does it help you that you know that after a fight, he needs a beat?

Like, are you able to have a secure attachment because you know that's what he needs? I'm getting there. Yeah. Like that's what I'm doing in therapy now is like, instead of going to the place of like we're not meant to be i can't this he's better suited for a girl that would just be like oh chris is in one of his moods like some women just like oh john you know how he gets

and like doesn't take it personally doesn't want to like cut themselves because their boyfriend's ignoring them that's where i go to where i'm like what like i don't cut myself but i'm like i've start to think about what could i do my friend was like told me the other day that she like because she does self-harm and she's like i'm out of places to cut but i've been hitting my head with my hair dryer and i was like don't tell me that because that's a really good one like that's where i want to do that shit when i get ignored by my boyfriend it goes right to that so i well that means you're like mad at yourself, right? Yeah. I feel like he hates me when he's ignoring me. I feel like he's just

like disgusted with me, which is already what I think of myself. And I have this shame of like being just dirty and like not as good as other women or whatever. And then I want to just hurt my. Yeah, I want to hurt myself. And so I'm like, if you ignore me, I'll hurt myself. You will relate to this story so much. early on in me and dave's relationship we were at a restaurant we got into a fight of course it's some dumb thing that i probably picked a fight about i was so mad i left i got up i left i went walked back to our place and then i called my friend and was like let's go walk the reservoir because i was like in my head i'm like i'm running away from home i was like he's gonna leave the restaurant he's gonna come home and see

that i'm not there and have no idea where i am and he's gonna freak out right so we go i walk the reservoir with my friend the whole time i'm like you know like trying to pretend like i'm having fun but i'm like huffing and puffing just thinking about like how he's gonna be so worried about me i come home my big dramatic entrance you know, like he's asleep on the couch. He didn't care. He didn't even notice. I was like, oh, like I was like the cops were going to be there. You should have left like a blood trail. Have you ever been stewing about a health problem you have and you almost resort to texting your group chat to get your friend's opinions but then you're like wait that's like not i'm not that's

not gonna work okay you're extremely unlikely to find quality medical advice in your group chat i'm just taking a wild guess here but you can actually find it from a doctor on ZocDoc. There are thousands of medical professionals on ZocDoc there to help you. They listen like a friend and they give you the expert care that you need. Side note, it's also so annoying when you get to a doctor's appointment and they're in a freaking rush. It's like, I already drove, I parked, I waited, and now you're rushing me out of here no that's why ZocDoc is a true essential in my life because I need someone that has good reviews that has a good bedside manner that's not going to be rude and rush me like this is my time to shine like give me my time and on ZocDoc you'll find quality doctors who focus on you and listen to you and

prioritize your care ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to ZocDoc.com slash trash and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-d-o-c.com slash trash zocdoc.com slash trash we were at a concert and it was like a pain in the ass to get a concert graphic it was um adam sandler actually which i call the concert because it was the best show which by the way cultivating

the hang adam sandler nailed it only work with fun and friends he is the he's the king he's the king he's the coolest and his show was incredible and uh his special 100 fresh if i want to cry i listen to that farley song and like that's my porn christ thing that i put on but we were at that and he had had a long day of work things had happened throughout the day like he told me later on little indignities throughout the day and he was just in a bad mood and then when we were on the way there I like he had he knew the directions and I like took over and it was just one more and it kind of like he was just not in the mood and so I go what's going on like are you we finally said I go what's going on he just goes I just had a really rough day okay I just had a really bad

day and I go and instead of being like I'm sorry but but he was already giving me a little bit like he wasn't he's walking ahead like i tried to like hold his hand he just kind of squeezed it and like was like and just little like he couldn't i get it like sometimes you just can't get there for the person that like needs it so much he was trying his best but i said to him i go well then i should be a comfort for you when you're having a bad day like don't take it out on me and i think that got through to him because I go, well, then I should be a comfort for you when you're having a bad day. Like, don't take it out on me. And I think that got through to him because I just said that I go, well, then on days like this, I should be a comfort for you, not someone that you just pile it onto and take it out on.

Like, I'm there to hear about your bad day and like, make you like snuggle you and make you feel better. And I just like was like, you know what? I wanted to leave. But I also was like, I want to see Adam Sandler. So I wanted to like put my foot down and do the uber thing but instead i was like actually next time i might leave in an uber yeah what do you think i might not uh if it was yeah the last show we went to yeah it was um so i i stayed and i just decided to have a good time and i like completely

was present and was able to like laugh and not be like thinking about it which is a secure moment for you right where it's not like circumstantial to whether he's making you happy yeah and it was helpful that my friend was with me like my friend was in town so i was able to focus i because otherwise we would have been on a double date and i would have been like just but i was able to just like take care of my friend have fun with her and then i made some mention to him about like the lighting or something i was like oh and just some just to like reach out a little bit and as soon as i did he was like i'm sorry and it was just like producer talk with him yeah wait was he able to receive your comfort yes and as soon as because he goes i'm sorry and then the second he did that i go babe i'm so sorry

you had a bad day and i'm like kissing his neck and like just and that's all i want to do like i love i'm never gonna be a mom but i have maternal things. I like comforting boys when they're like, my favorite version of him is when he's like a little baby. I know. And he's just like, I like that. I'm not going to cry. That's so true. But you know what it seems like?

It's hard for people. It seems like with your first iteration of your relationship or however many times you did that, that first phase was like you guys were against fighting against each other, which I think is normal and really oh it's impossible not to date like who you the the lesson you need to learn but then but then coming back and i think esther you guys didn't break up but i think you guys probably went through this too even though you weren't against each other but you like maybe you were against yourself yes like we had a lot of i mean i have i had a lot of growing up necessary well he was a grown-up

yes compared yes like we look back a lot and he even gets mad when it's like i'll i'll be like how did you not break up with me like it's weird he's like i know your trip down memory lane is like remember when i stood you up there and i yelled at you there and I cried over oysters here. Yeah, no, it's like, yeah, it's, that's why, but I love hearing about this because I do really believe that it's, it's, so many of us think it's about that magic spark, that connection that, oh God, yeah, it's not about that. It's about being with someone that is willing to be vulnerable about their triggers and what they need and like and when you want like you said harder for men i

really like i i empathize and like not all of them not yeah not all of them but and it's hard for some like it's hard for me but we have just i think it's healthy to talk about these things when you're not in it like when like like, you know, when we get into these things, I read this thing today that might help us when we get into that again. Because I think we never talked about our fights. If they would happen, we'd resolve them. And then there was no mention of them until they happened again. And then I feel like what I was going to say was like your thing with the second round

is like you guys are working together. And for you to be able to say to him, like, I should be able to comfort you and him to be able to receive that is so sweet. And I think that that took balls for me to say, because I feel like in the past he would have just been like, like wouldn't have liked my tone being like, well, I'm not putting up with it.

Like I should be there to comfort you done. And it's like, I was always just like, whatever you want, like walk all over me, which is not what he wanted at all. But now I say a good, another good, if anyone's listening that has a boyfriend like this, or maybe you're like this and your boyfriend is anxiously attached, whenever we get, whenever

he shuts down and like needs to process and is kind of like shutting me out because it's his go-to, it doesn't mean he's a bad person. I just say, all I need you to do is like touch my leg, like touch my leg or like give me a sign that we'll be OK. Because my mind is you're going to break up with me and I'm never going to see you again. So when you get like I say something that maybe like, you know, when you're a mixed company and I'll share something, he goes, I never said that. And I go, oh, I thought you did. He's like, no. And then I sense like, oh, the wall's up. He's annoyed with me. He's kind of like grossed out that i would even say that mixed company this private thing we said and i got it wrong he thinks i'm a liar and i go he hates me he's gonna break up with me so now he'll just under the table even though he's

upset and we're gonna talk about it later he'll just put his hand on my leg and he just fits you a little bit he does my fantasy i have this version of things where it's like oh i am absolutely horrible and he doesn't like me as a person at all he just wants to fuck me like that he always is like absolutely not but that is a place i go to where i'm like just say it well also yeah no also it's like when you get old enough to just be like i'm gonna just ask for the exact compliment that i want and then i have a 50 50 chance of getting it like doesn't my ass look great it's either gonna make a joke or say yes just like i'm not like waiting around to try to like voodoo mind like can i mind trick someone and they can't come up with what they they can't read your mind you really do have to be that that's another huge i literally had to ask

just write me a list and he was like i was thinking that might be a good idea and i go then fine it was your idea but i yeah i mean it doesn't take away from it if i tell you what to do when you do it that means a lot to me oh how infuriating if that really was what his present was i know oh it was it was you can tell it was real yeah like yeah he was like i swear that was going to be one a part of the gift and then he got me a workbook for this sue johnson woman and got us both each the book we haven't done it yet but it was just like can i say something that when you brought the thing up therapist i don't know about these headshots oh no no i need my therapist to have a professional headshot?

No. It's so, it's humongous. You got hair and makeup for my, I pick you. I think I disagree. I think like you want to put a face. But like. You want to, look. You want to see that guy?

Is that ideal? No. God. Do you think. Like I like him, but think of like what, like what, what does motivation in that picture do you guys like i'm gonna keep these couples together yeah do you see them like every week i don't see mine every week i i would say i go more through like a couple months on a couple months off but i would i i need to every week i'm what do they do what kind of like what do they do what do you like about them um i just talk because i feel like i do i'm like

did i just do a podcast like a solo pot like a mark maron yeah i need some interaction for sure like i definitely don't like when i'm just speaking like i need guidance right and like you know stuff like that boundaries is what i because i will friend up real fast you'll friend your oh i'll friend up well it's like okay so i have a hypnotherapist oh yeah that's right she's my friend yeah so then i'll be on the phone with her like a friend and then she gets into therapy voice and then i'm like oh god i like switched her into therapist mode and then yeah so it's not like and then are you on the like do you then i'm like yeah i'm like i better send yeah yeah sorry bitch that's so interesting um yeah i do hypnotherapy i don't have a traditional therapist

but i do hypnotherapy and then i do breathwork sessions with my shami oh a little sham yeah have you ever done like what i want yeah yeah since i was a kid are you not into it i mean not right now i like the stuff that i'm doing What does hypnotherapy do for you? It's like a session where you like go through some of the issues that you're having that week and you like discuss what your beliefs are that are like triggering you. So if I'm mad at, let's see, if I'm annoyed that my agent is booking me five shows instead of four or something I'm like I already told him that so it's like basically what that's getting down to is like feeling unheard and then it's like so what is what's the what would my brain need to feel to

like and then what's the belief about myself like I'm someone that doesn't deserve to be heard no one ever listens to me people are against me that's great so then what's the belief about myself like i'm someone that doesn't deserve to be heard no one ever listens to me people are against me that's great so then what's the opposite thing that i need to hear which is like everyone like i'm on my own side i take care of myself i believe in myself i speak strongly the things that i need stuff like that and then and then they'll write up a hypnosis to listen to. See, that seems like there's action being taken. And I like when my therapist gives me some homework. Because we've all had the therapist. I think that I've had therapists where it felt like a lot of the kicking up the dirt.

And then none of the like, how do we now sweep the dirt back out? People who might be listening to this don't kick up the dirt like we do on a normal basis. We are such open books. I go into into therapy and i go and they'll go thank you so much for sharing that and i go i just got i was just live on air saying yeah yeah another podcast like this isn't intimate to me you can tell other clients like i don't care yeah she's like do you want to enter a back to enter you can use my headshot yeah Yeah. Yeah. I like, I think that we, there,

there is benefit for that because some people are just so stuffed up with their field. They've never even said a lot. Like, I remember my boyfriend, the first time he went to therapy, he said, it's weird saying like things out loud for like that.

You've only ever thought like you've never said them out loud. And I'm like, you've, you've only, I know. I've never said out loud loud. And I'm like, you've thought that you've only thought and like haven't said out loud. It's weird when I don't say a thought out loud. Like sometimes I try. Sometimes I'm like, what if I just keep this to myself?

Well, I had vocal cord surgery and that blew my mind because I had to be quiet for three weeks, not a single peep. And it was brutal. And what I learned from it is that to say something, I would have to type it in my phone and then this little robot would push the thing and it would read it and it just made you do like kevin hart's voice you know you can do that on a ways it's like santa

and so i uh it made you realize it made me realize that like when i would have a thought and go oh i want to express this instead of it just being like do like out like i don't think of like the things i say they are thoughts first intentional even right now intention even right now as i'm talking i've thought this a microsecond before i said it yeah it's starting here but it doesn't feel like it feels like it just starts here but when you have no this it all is here and then you have to go is this important like is this enough for me to take out my phone and like write it and say so so often first of all i realized i'm way funnier than i thought because i just thought like annie you're so quick like it's like i sometimes get depressed doing this podcast

because i'm just like god there's another and another and another and that's what i'm here for that's to make you feel better no you are too i was trying to say you were high to give you an out no you're quick too but like we know annie's just like it didn't like start to make me feel like god what i'm a fraud or whatever but i think that being quiet made me realize like i'm thinking of funny shit all the time and so many times you just don't say it because it's so about time as you know like if you miss a second that it's not worth saying

anymore sorry about the interrupting it's a little late work sorry you're I mean you're someone who takes more chances saying

like throwing things out yeah I don't care if it and that's why you're probably better at it because you don't you're not worried like is this maybe not gonna you need the balls

to like throw out let's just say I've done my ten thousand bombing uh say interrupting jokes but you have to get through that to get to the the side that you are now which is just like one of the the quickest in the game and but i found that it's just so interesting to to process it first and go and so many times i avoided conflict just by being like instead of just saying it and i as i would or calling something out i would think about it before i didn't go uh it's not like i didn't do it in time when it passes so many when it passes and you go oh my god i was literally about to send that text i mean yeah we'll deal with this and when it passes and you go like oh my god one of my favorite warren buffett quotes

is you can always how many do you have favorite how many do you have we're finding out new things about us warren buffet um is you can always tell someone to go to hell tomorrow and like that it's like so whenever i think i'm mad i'm like that is something you would say when you're mad go to hell tomorrow that's really funny so it's like if you are finding yourself wanting to like be mad at someone like i'm always like just see how you feel tomorrow usually it's something you're it's like just triggering your own yeah never once has it have you have i ever been mad at someone and then i waited and then instead of i do the opposite and like meet him with kindness

and go you know what i could have been cool and then it completely like everything's smooth after that yeah i'm so sorry it's never once escalated if i just take the high road and don't don't get dirty but it's so fun to fuck it well it's like yeah one of the one of the guys who whose podcast they're supposed to listen to he always said um don't get in the water like if people want to get wet they can get wet but don't get in the water with them so when people come at you i mean that is so fucking hard because i'm philly like when people come at me like i want to be like, oh, really? You think that was bad?

Do you want to see? Oh, I actually wasn't doing that. I could do it, though. Yes. Oh, if I feel falsely accused of something, I'm like, oh, I can show you what could go down. But it's like to not do it is just so much better. And then you're just not in the thing. I go, would Taylor Swift let this derail her day?

Oh, I love that. And she's for me is my. But it might. She would write a song about it, though. And make a fucking grammy winning album out of it but like the other day my friend was like thought i was mad at her and then i go why would i be mad at you and i was like texting my friends about like my friend thinks she's why would she think i'm mad at her like why would she think i purposely left her all and it was like and i was gonna have to go on podcasts and then your poor friends are like oh god And so I just and then I just snapped it. And I was like, what a successful person who was like, what a CEO let this derail the rest

of their day and affect every meeting they go into. And it was like, no. And then it just went away. Yeah. And it was really gone after I did that. And I was just act as if you're Taylor Swift. That is such a good exercise. I would act as if.

Yeah. I don't know. But I wanna maybe lana i was thinking though like literally eight years ago i remember i was like having some kind of personal drama whatever whatever it was and duncan trussell i would like always go to him for advice and he was like you need to think of yourself as miley cyrus yeah and in that moment i definitely was like laughed at him and was like what is he saying saying? And now years later, of course, of course, his wisdom was so it was too wise. I feel bad for Duncan when I'm around.

He is like, I am like, get ready to back into a corner. Opposite energies. No, no, no, no, not opposite. Exactly. No, I just need I'm like, I see him and I'm like, it's on, bitch. Like, I'm like, sorry, everybody. I'm taking Duncan. He's so wise. He's so wise. I'm like, everybody. I'm taking Duncan. He's so wise.

Because he's so wise. I'm like, yes. Oh, my God. He's everything. That's great. And he remembers everything he's ever learned. Like, he has so much knowledge in his head about all this spiritual stuff. His mom.

And he studied with Ram Dass and stuff. He's really. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to hang out with him. But it's so good to act like someone else. That's what I did in comedy. Like, when you start out, I would just. I think i always tell young comics like they're like how do i what what jokes do i write i go right right as if you're writing for your favorite comic because your

favorite comic you probably like because they're kind of like you you can always tell someone's favorite comic when they first always and i love hey little girl jessel nick no one ever sounds like me and i'm insulted i see so many like whitney's out there i see so many like caper lance a lot of caper a lot of people so many people do with me and i'm like come on let's see some i don't think that's true well i i'd like to see some examples but yeah um but yeah but it's that's act as if and then but that's what every that's the way through is like if you're struggling think think of someone you admire. That's all it is.

It's a more specific job. You know what it is? It's like, okay, so in all of manifesting, it's always like you want to like be the thing first to get it, you know, which seems like such a mindfuck because you're like, how can I be this thing I don't have? So it helps if you can imagine yourself as someone else, study someone that has the things that you would like or you admire. imagined yourself as someone else study someone that has the things that you would like or you admire like when i was struggling with money i would just watch all these lady gaga interviews because lady gaga just she'll go she'll say things like she has no shame in her like fame and stardom like she'll always be like i i saw some interview where she was like looking over like old pictures she goes oh i already knew i was a star here here to me like back in the day

that would have been gross right do you know what i mean and because i thought those things were gross i was never gonna get the things that i wanted you know there was like facebook groups that girls made about her that stephanie germanotta will never be famous it's like still an active facebook group that they made in like high school about her because she was so like i'm gonna be famous someday and so adamant about it kim kardashian also knew she was gonna be famous i knew. And I used to tell my friends that. That Kim Kardashian was going to be famous. They're like, there's this girl that's cleaning Paris Hilton's closet. You're not even going to believe her.

You know OJ and his lawyer. Well, he's got one hot daughter and the other one is going to get there eventually. When I was little, I had like feelings about like being in front of the camera and stuff. But I was so embarrassed by them it took so long for me to really like blossom out there's no comedy like classes as a kid yeah it also there are and there are now and it's yeah no no but you guys it also feels like that is it makes so much sense for comedians to because it's like you have to be like so deprecating no like people are so in touch with their flaws and what's wrong with them that of course all of

us are like no no you know it's like a complicated relationship but then you're like yeah am i going to be like working for sandwiches am i going to be performing oh i was like for the rest of my life i just knew and but i didn't know how that was a frustrating thing i was not a good singer i wasn't a good actress i didn't couldn't dance couldn't play an instrument i go what the fuck am i gonna and then reality tv came out and i go well i don't want to i knew i could probably get on real world because i was like i'll probably be good at this but then i knew that people would say you're not famous for anything i didn't want to be not famous for anything they approached me of course they did they approached me i was in santa fe and all the producers they were the real

world road rules challenge i threw up on everyone got wasted that was my fear too of like i need to get i vomited all over them but they don't want you sober no and then so we were all like on one of the off hours they were like sitting down and the producers were like so tell us your story and i was like i'm out i was like i got bigger plans yeah no offense to my railroad road rules people no well now you know we you can parlay it and like people forget that you were ever on it christine positsky theocon like people are like what they were on those shows yeah total blip but at the time it felt like oh i don't want to be famous that way so uh but i remember like telling my i was in love with dave matthews in high school and remember like telling my, I was in love with Dave Matthews in high school. And I remember telling my friend Hala, like, I'm going to meet him someday.

Like, and they were just like, my friend's just being disgusted. Like, you think you're going to meet him? And I was like, yeah, they're like, you're not going to. And I go, not like in a contest either. Like, I'm going to be famous too. And I'm going to be in the same sphere. And so when I met him, I said the word sphere a lot because I was like telling the story and it was so, it was so,

it was so embarrassing when I met him finally because I was like, I knew I'd be in the same sphere and it was just like, he didn't even know who I was. It was so, it was so humiliating. I can't even get over it. But yeah, like I think you have to like know.

It's funny to be humiliated though. It's funny like, because this is cringe to be talking about this, but it's like cringe. It is so cringe, like to want to be famous. And of course now I don't, my dream was always like to be in a restaurant and have people go is that nikki kaiser like that would be amazing now it's it's happened before it does not get me off like i would think it would it doesn't i don't care i don't care but it's nice to know and i know

that people go like that that famous people or people that have reached success always go that's not what makes you happy yeah and people are like that's not what we it's so crazy i literally never bring up duncan and he's coming up twice in this episode i also remember when i first met dave i was telling duncan like yeah like i'm in love now and i don't really give a fuck about stand-up and he was like that's because we all got into this because we just wanted love. And of course, I was too dumb to understand it. It stuck with me, thankfully. But I was like, what? I was like, what?

No. But that backfired on me because I had boyfriends that would get jealous that I didn't give them that much. But I'm like, what you think I need from you, I get from a room full of strangers. I don't need the same amount of things that you think a girl think a girl would not like that at all literally the first two weeks of dating Dave I was like so I think I'm quitting stand-up no get what you're saying and then like later that night he was like I think it's really weird that you want to quit the thing that you do and I had to be like oh yeah I didn't mean didn't mean it. No, but you're right. It is. We're searching for.

That's any comedian that pretends to not have low self-esteem and to not be craving love is so in denial. Well, also. Because then you're not good. Because that's why we do this. Why would you want strangers to laugh at you and give you validation every couple seconds? Constantly. If you liked yourself. And the reason that you said oh i wanted to be to walk

into a restaurant and have people go is that nikki glazer yeah because you wanted to feel love and seen and then now that you have that it's you're like well that's not and what i did when now when they do it i go well they only like me because i had full hair and makeup and because i had written those lines before and i all they don't know the preparation that's not naturally me and then that's where i get upset when like someone's like fire emojis under a picture of me that's like i'm spray tanned and fake hair and everything i go well now they don't even like me um did you see pam anderson's documentary and her talking about the roast and how she did it for pita like she wouldn't have like she that only added to the cultural narrative about her being a whore and like disposable and all

the things like she took that hit for animals i just love her so much she took that hit constantly constantly that was all we knew her at it's like a laughingstock and what a sweet person she was and like um the other thing that i see that she's doing that is like low-key such a huge deal that you wouldn't necessarily think but in my mind it's a big deal is that i see her going around and doing interviews talking about like how porn is not good for people which i i use porn i like it i watch it but i think that because she gets like men listen to her the fact that she's using her platform which is like to people that are probably into that kind of stuff and like saying what's bad about it not saying like

oh it can never be but i just feel like she really does want the world to be a better place like she does it's it's so sweet she's a sweet sweet person but she i haven't heard her talk out against porn and i struggle with it though because i love it so much and i feel like i have a sometimes unhealthy relationship like i i like it you know i've go it's i like i only watch gang bangs like it didn't start that way and like is it lees into gang bangs too or no yeah yeah lees into like the same kind of stuff like we're but it's just like i know where this heads it's like it's it gets more and more extreme. And then there becomes victimization.

Like, I know I've watched girls do things they don't want to do. I know I have. There has to, in the thousands of videos I've watched, there's been a girl that's like, I hate this. I was coerced. This is not what I signed up for, but I can't say no right now because there's a bunch of guys here and I really want this production company to keep using me and I need money to pay my rent like i know i've watched that and aided it should have seen our first live well i will say i actually think the bigger issue in porn is not the filming

of it itself but i'm sure that that i know that's also a problem but like okay it's men watching it and then expecting thinking that that's the way and not being able to get off from regular sex and having like to choke women oh my god and then have you ever had sex with so wait my point was that it's okay that we watch it but have you ever had sex with a guy who tries to porn star you it's so boring i don't know you might like it i don't like it when they're like oh like you can just tell they are like mimicking yes when when you bang actors actors i feel like are doing a role it's like are we fucking role playing yes yes i mean everyone be a firefighter i don't think there's anyone who's gonna be having sex for the first time a young man in college like who's not

going where else would you get where else would you see sex taking place and learn how to act like it used to be just before porn you figure it out like on people's bodies that's nice it's so cute yeah it's not though that's also not good of course but of course you're gonna like what do I do with this something to go what do I do and where else is there to show you normal sex i mean movies don't give my parents had full pen my you want to see that you want to see how it goes state penitentiary yeah um my parents had the they like ordered off the back of the playboy the like better sex videos do you remember seeing those oh so like instructional video but it was like you know everyone had like no offense but you know when you're a kid and like the girl has short

hair and you're like okay mom you're like oh so there are things but like if you had kids that were teenagers about to have sex what would you and you knew your son's watching porn like what do you do do you thinking of a child sexualized like this is not what it is but i think it is what it is now i think people have sex like that i also just have to assume that like society will somehow solve this like before i have a teenage child right like yeah why does it feel like it would come out a teenager wearing your outfits oh my god i would be so happy do you ever like hold on to clothes that you're like i want to give this to my dog i think about it i'm so mad at some of the shirts i see my in my mom's i've never thought of that i want that fucking m2 i think about it but you know what

it's like maybe t-shirts but things come back but they're never like quite the same and they're always a little bit like shaped a little different it's not showing like the ass or like everything's so cheaply made now that like back in the 70s like people like made clothes and now like children and machines make them my in the i think probably in the 70s or 80s my mom lived in tulsa oklahoma and she worked for the Tulsa Cable Company and I think she was like a receptionist and she had these HBO shorts like that they gave to people who sold and I'm like

Were they like umbros? No No they were just like Yeah like just cool little comfy HBO shorts and I'm like I will never have those. Well you can get Jersey guys. Bringing it back. You guys thank you so much for listening go see nikki live go see all of us live and we'll see you next week with a brand new episode