Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Ian Fidance on Why Moms & Teachers Shouldn’t Be Hot

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Thank you to our sponsor: Quince - Indulge in affordable luxury! Go to quince.com/trash for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. DraftKings - Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW and use code TRASHTUESDAY. New players get an instant deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit five dollars or more. Esther’s new movie: Drugstore June!  https://www.drugstorejune.com/. Opening wide Friday March 1! Go see it!!   See Annie on tour. Check out dates at https://www.annielederman.com/shows    More Ian Fidance: Website - https://www.ianfidance.com/  Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/  Twitter - https://twitter.com/ianimal69 Bein’ Ian with Jordan Podcast - https://www.youtube.com/@BeinIanPod  00:00 - I Don’t Understand What You Are, But I’m Having Fun 00:12 - Drugstore June Promo 00:41 - SO Many Gay Celebrities and Athletes 05:27 - Ian Fidance: Comedian, Public School Teacher 06:54 - Learning Pleasure During Sex-Ed 08:50 - Teaching in the New York Public School System 14:23 - Keeping Your Comedy Career a Secret 17:29 - Not Having Kids/Older Dads 21:30 - Hot Thot Moms 26:00 - In the Middle of the Crosswalk 26:56 - Being Bi: Men Are Just a Sexual Thing 34:16 - Just an Occasional Outbreak 35:34 - Glory Holes and Sniffies 38:16 - Porn as a Gateway Vice 43:09 - Radical Transparency 46:02 - I Do Not Like a Debrief 51:15 - Bringing Back Dry Humping 54:00 - Sex-less Tension Building 58:17 - Pup-Play 01:00:13 - Farting In Front of Your Partner 01:03:17 - Erotic Aromas 01:04:36 - The Long Con 01:06:00 - Red Flag or Let It Slide 01:14:26 - Wrap Up   Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday     Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079 AnnieWood - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/anniewood/id1653515392   Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee http://instagram.com/bobbyleelive Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen  🍬  https://www.candyedits.com     Produced by: Real Good Touring & Ten42 Podcast Producer(s): Stella Young & Julien Bensimhon Edited By: Andrew Tarr (Audio) & Josh Miller (Video + Clips)   This Video Contains Paid Advertising

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drugstore june is in theaters this friday in austin and many other cities you can get tickets now we're already out in new york and la go to drugstorejune.com have some popcorn get yourself a large soda and enjoy this really twisted weird movie that i wrote for you hopefully you don't change everything you think about me after you see it. I think there's so many gay celebrities. Same. So many. Most.

Most. Yes. And athletes. Athletes. What do you think the drawbacks are for an athlete to not come out as gay? The culture of where they come from. But I mean, like, really,

is it something that's going to take away from their purse? Or is it something that's going to shoot them into stardom instead? Well, also when you're in a team, it's about the team and it shouldn't be about you. And if you come out, like if, if you're a gay guy that just happens to be an athlete, great. But if you're an athlete that then comes out as a gay guy that becomes the main focus and then everybody is uh oh you're saying it almost makes takes too much attention yeah yeah i think it takes up too much attention from the team and that makes you the focus and then that can lead to resentments and like the culture of a team has to be so important that you're all there for each other and if everyone's getting asked like well what do you think about you know patches come on

why did i say patches like i'm talking about like a 1950s basketball team but like you know like damarius he's gay what do you think yeah but i okay so my argument to that is like i think everyone agrees that taylor swift has brought on a you know, new audience to football that wouldn't normally watch with their dads, right? That's what they're saying, right? Now, Julian asked the resident gay man in the room, would you say, like, a lot of gay men watch football? No. No. So if you had a gay football star.

Maybe for the tight outfits. if you had a gay football star a lot travis kelsey or someone really really good wouldn't you think that would be well marketable yeah carl nasib came out and that was carl exactly no but he's a he's a good player and he came out and it was like a pretty big deal. And I will say that I got invested in him or the team. Were you invested in Adam Rippon when he was, you know, the first gay male skater? But figure skating is different. I feel like. You're gay. I have to convince everyone you're not gay.

The news story there is a straight figure skater. That's like, did you hear about this guy? This is crazy. Dude, the chief players just fucking hate that Swift stuff. How could they? That would be so wrong. They're getting so much attention, so much free press. Yeah, but dude, you don't want attention.

You don't want free press. You want head down, concentrate, win. You don't want all these exterior things. What are you talking about? You don't want all these exterior things. And also, if you're working your entire life to excel and perform at a level that is top tier in your field, and then you're just getting asked these softball questions

about someone else and their love life, it's like, yo, I'm not here for that. I totally disagree with you. Why? I think that, especially as a professional athlete, sure, there's a level of like, I should put my head down and just, I just want to play football.

But no, I want the money. I want as much money being funneled into the sport as possible. And if I'm part of an 80-man roster, and let's say I'm sort of this benchwarmer for the Kansas City Chiefs, I don't care. I will absolutely answer Taylor Swift's questions.

That money's not going in your pocket. I know, but it's going to- That money's going in other people's pockets. You're a contracted player. But the hotter the team, that's better for everyone. No, but see, you guys are using your girl brains, and I want you to come into reality land with logic and sense. You know, and I appreciate you guys living authentically as Alpo-brained.

I think... No, I mean, like, that's the thing though. It's not putting money in their, in their pocket. It's not helping them at all. You're crazy, dude. Because like bringing more viewers,

more attention, more like, yeah, but you guys are living in a world where like, okay, something happens and it brings you attention. More people are putting money into your thing and you're all benefiting. But as like an athlete, you're not sharing money with anyone else but yourself. That's the thing. Like no matter how much stuff

is being sold, that money is just going towards other people that are already making more money. So of course the executives and everybody involved in the office wants it because they're going to make more money. But a kicker isn't making shit. Now you're a player who won in the biggest Travis Kelsey Super Bowl. That's the thing. The Travis Kelsey Super Bowl. It's a Super Bowl.

He is a great athlete and it's amazing. You don't get to tell your grandchildren. They don't give a shit. You're not even going to be able to talk to them in the future because it's all beep-boop-bop-boop in the brain communicating. And they're not going to care. You think our kids will be that stupid? Yes. Wait, what?

I used to be a public school teacher. Do you know how f***ed we are? Everybody, Ian Fidance, welcome to the show. Hi, everybody. We are f***ed, aren't we? We are so beyond repair. Wait, so how long were you a teacher? When was this? In New York City.

I don't know why this doesn't surprise me. Thank you. Because usually people are horrified. Let me guess. Social studies. No, that's good. Okay. Sex ed.

You're lying. Oh, my God. A lot of hands-on training. Let me show you how to put on a condom. Actually, I did teach sex ed once. And the amount of stuff that these kids don't know is like so alarming it's crazy not even just kids grown fucking men still have yet to figure out where the fucking clitoris is it's here did you teach that where

the clitoris is no well it's like this weird line now where it's like they're like it it there shouldn't there needs to be boundaries like some there's like a push to like teach pornography in school like the right kind of pornography it's like no no no you need to teach like safety and how to do things but like when when i was growing up we were taught like the anatomy and it's like that's like being taught everything underneath the hood of a car but you're not taught how to drive it. You know what I mean? But you should be taught how to drive it and deal with things and also deal

with like conversations about pregnancy and abortion and like coming early and how it's not bad. And you don't have to be mean to the girl afterwards. You know, when someone teaches sex ed, are they allowed to teach pleasure? Like, cause I mean like, what is the point? If we're teaching sex as sex.

You cannot teach kids pleasure. No, I wouldn't want my teacher teaching. That's the thing. That's a parent's job. Okay, me. Is it? Guess what? No.

Well, the sex talk should be a parent's job, like sex and sexuality. Maybe schools just should be teaching, like, look, you wear a condom you you or you pull out or like you know but teaching like pleasure and like everything engaging in sex is not a stranger's job it's a parent's okay so it's not a stranger's job to say parents aren't doing their job no they're not which is why we're in a bad situation when i asked my mom where babies come from you know what she said to me i don't know how old were you i don't know but she said i don't did she have you in a blackout what happened yeah but that's what i'm saying it's like if we're gonna talk about the anatomy and all of the things around it like

shouldn't you talk about why people are having sex to begin with well yeah and and teaching abstinence is so ass backwards and to deny that kids and people are going to be having sex it's like you just got to roll with it and go okay look they're doing this let's teach them um you know like consent and like dude i half the time when i was teaching my lesson plan would go out the window and i just have conversations about like life because these they they wouldn't understand like if they were like ganging up on a girl and like calling her a smut and like all this stuff I would stop the class and be like yo do you have a sister like yeah and I'm like how would you feel if someone talked to

your sister that way and they're like I'd beat him up and I'm like so then why can you talk to this girl that way she's someone's sister and a daughter and and and they're like oh I don't know and because she's a smut I'm like yeah but what if someone said that and they go's someone's sister and a daughter. And, and, and they're like, Oh, I don't know. Cause she's a smut. And I'm like, yeah, but what if someone said that? And they go, I beat them up. And then you have to like bring these connections. They go, Oh, I didn't think of it that way. And like, they're not taught this. And, and, and again, like people may think I'm making like broad sweeping generalizations, but I taught test prep in New York city public school system. And I was in a ton of different placements. So I was at a school from one to three months from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.,

and then I'd leave and go to a different school. What age? All the different boroughs. I taught fifth and sixth grade in the South Bronx. Ooh, tricky. I hated it. It was the worst. Boy, did they abuse me.

But I taught high school at one of the top five rated worst high schools in the country shout out boys and girls high the pride of bed style utica ave and i loved it my kids were like i was a bad kid so i like related to them and it was like great and i could like level with them and it was around the time when fetty wop was around so i'd walk in the room and go hey what's up hello is fetetty the guy who lost the eye? Blind guy, yeah. Okay. Wait, when you were being abused by fifth and sixth graders, did you feel-

Become racist? Oh, sorry, what? Did you feel like- Where's the laugh track on that one? Shame and embarrassment over it? Or were you like, they're kids, I don't care? No, it was like deeply infuriating. Did they get to you?

They got to me. I got got. I got got. I got got. And then like the dude, it's so fucked. The parents believe the children about everything. Everything is the teacher's fault. And you go, hey, your your child has some some learning issues. You have an IEP and individualized, uh, like education plan. And all you need to do is sign this paper and there's money funded by the state that goes towards a, basically like a shadow person that like follows your, your child around and helps them out. Just sign this paper and, and it'll be all set. And they're like, don't tell me how to raise my

kid. My kid's fine. It's your job. And then I'm alone in a classroom with 36 kids. And it's like, yo, what the f***? And I got 19-year-old sophomores that can't read. You know how you said when you moved to one of the worst schools ever and you started to kind of have a more positive experience? I can honestly say, so when I first came to America, I was 15 and I was supposed to go to la canada high school because they had the bigger campus an actual swim team and then we i lied my parents lied about our address because that's yeah we had to get zoned to la canada they found out about the address and then i got zoned to blair high which is the reject school i am so thankful that I landed there. There wasn't a swim team. It was such a shitty high school, but I feel like it really sort of gave me the education that I needed. It gave me the American education because had I just stayed in La Cunada. Shitty and scary. Shitty, scary,

real. Like it like kind of, you know, sped up my just knowledge about the world did you have a good um family system at home no but i had a really good um history teacher who is now my stepdad and he taught at that school really wait i always forget that that's like such a good porn search wait so did your stepdad meet your mom through you yeah open, what is it called? Those horny f***s. That's crazy. Yeah, they met through me. Open house. Parent-teacher conference.

I missed an open house parent-teacher conference in 2006 because I stopped off at a PC Richards and got a big buy one get one free thing of a computer duster and fished out in my apartment and missed the whole conference. My God. Wait, so why did you stop teaching? Yeah, and would you ever do it again? Because I missed parent-teacher conferences to do computer duster. Because I was a vicious drug addict and alcoholic.

Wait, were you a drug? I know you have a long history and we've talked about it on Tiger Belly. Were you using when you were a teacher? Uh-oh. He can't answer that. Yeah. Okay, he did. And so I was a student teacher and then I became a full-time sub like right out of school.

And they were like, yeah, this is teachers leave every year. You're a full-time sub at the next year you'll just fill in for whoever left it was like a lock on the job i just couldn't get my shit together and i was drinking and when you're you're a sub you wake up in the morning and find if you have a placement right and uh i would call the school to check in is anyone out today no and i was like well i'm up already i might as well just start drinking and then they like call me and be like someone had to leave and i And I'd have to be like, all right, if I could make it in, I'd make it in. If not, I was like a pipe burst in my apartment. I can't be there. Like pipes

were always bursting, you know? And, uh, yeah, it was, it was gnarly. And I, I admit that it wasn't the best, but you know, and then years later I got sober and I taught in sobriety. And then as a wild turn of events, the last school I ever taught at was Bronx prep, uh, in the South Bronx. And, um, and I never let anyone know I was doing comedy. I didn't want like my, I kept that boundary there. I didn't let any students know, whatever. Years later, right before the pandemic, I got involved in a volunteer after school program where I was like teaching stand-up to kids and the placement I got was at Bronx Prep the last school I taught it was like really neat yeah full circle that is like dude the kids were dude the kids are the

best like the one kid's stage name was like chicken nugget and he would and we give him a mic and everything was in a circle and they'd walk around and be like, y'all like chicken nuggets? And I'm like, this is good. This is good. It is funny how like you kind of have to keep comedy the secret. Like when I first moved to LA and was babysitting and doing open mics, I remember one day I used to babysit this little boy in Beverly Hills. And one afternoon I walk in the house and he goes, Esther, come with me. And I'm like, what? and he goes esther come with me and i'm like what and he goes like this

and i follow him slowly into his bedroom are you on your hands and knees i crawled like the girl in the ring he pulls up his computer he was all like you know he was like a little creepy about it and then he pulls up this youtube video of me on the streets of Hollywood Boulevard asking people like sex questions. I was like, this is my worst nightmare. How old was the kid? He was like nine or 10 and his parents knew and they were, they were always so cool. But it's like, I did not need him to know.

Oh yeah. Dude. And then, cause I, this was like, I think I quit teaching in like 2015 or 2016. This is recent then. But, um, yeah, I've only quit teaching in like 2015 or 2016. This is recent then. But, um. Oh. Yeah, I've only been a full-time comic for like 2018. Yeah.

So then like, dude, and also I was, you know, I was like working as a teacher with these placements. I was fixing printers in New York City. And then one night a week I'd deliver pizzas just so I could like make everything work. You can fix printers? Yeah, yeah. Well, these specialized Pitney Bowes postage meters that are in like every office, they do like mass postage printing. I always wonder about this because Esther and I, we've talked about how there are still businesses, small mom and pop shops that still fix vacuums. Yeah.

And they still do okay. Well, I worked for like a sneaky Russian guy that was like an outside contractor. And so I'd get all these work orders. I just ride my bike around Manhattan. I was 58th Street and South. I just ride around and fix these printers. And then I had to teach myself how to do it. And it was a nightmare. The manual was like 500 pages. It was like for like the first two weeks, I was just constantly calling the help desk. You just hear me say my like worker code i'd be like finance 739 how do i do this and then i was like lying to people and be like i had to go get a part at the warehouse it was just me outside like help me and uh i but then once you figure it out it's

like plug and play and i'd walk in like a god and be like oh you got a dm 375 it's gonna need a new printer ink print jet blah blah and it was at these like million multi-million dollar high-rise companies new york city and these people are morons they don't know how to use this huge piece of equipment i'd walk in they'd be like, thank God you're here. And I'd be like, yep, it's not plugged in. That'd be $35. That's so cool. But yeah, it's, I mean, those jobs are like so important, you know? Yeah, I, dude, a plumber, are you kidding?

The plumbers are nothing more important. Plumbers make a lot of money. Oh, yeah. Dude, and that's what got me in trouble with teaching is, because it was this whole thing of like, you got to go to college and you got to pass this test to get here and i'd be like the door shut you don't need this pick up a trade join the doorman's union do you think that you would pay for your kid to go to college no yeah i'm kind of on the fence oh you're not at all no oh no is there a

specific like you know for sure i mean i i i don't know i i'm i'm incredibly selfish with my time i know i'd be a good dad i'm like a great uncle to like my friends kids and stuff and i enjoy it but i can like walk away and um i think uh i think i have it in me i just don't think i i want to and also like i take care of my mom. So it's like, I don't have enough money to like pay for like a family and I don't want my kids to struggle. And I only want to be able to have a family if I can provide for them. So cool thing about being a dude, I can do it anytime. Yeah. This is a no right now. You crone spenders, the spinsters dry up. So I mean, look, I'm a product of a, of a really,

winters dry up so i mean look i'm a product of a of a really really old dad who was born in 1924 so when he made me he was in his 60s so you have a lot of time to one day have a wild hair up your ass and say you know what i want to create spawn today what was it like having an older father really fucking weird really because you know people would be like kalilah your your grandpa is like dropping off your line i'd be be like, I wouldn't even argue. I'd say, uh-huh, that's my grandpa. I would be so embarrassed about the fact that he was gray-haired. And it feels really mean now. And obviously, I was just like, you know, a kid just trying not to feel humiliated.

But I would just follow along when someone's like, oh, you're, you know. I didn't have a dad. So like that was like embarrassing because my dad died when I was eight. And then my grandfather on my mom's side like really stepped up so I had like the gray hair but he was like a grandpa but he was your actual grandpa yeah but like I used to get so embarrassed to him because he grew up in the depression and was always haggling and like always like we'd go to like Burger King and he'd drop change out of the drive-thru and like pick it up and I'm like poppy no and we were on the Wildwood boardwalk and he was trying to haggle to get me a Metallica hat and I was like just stop just stop and the guy behind the counter is like you got a cool grandpa

he cares about a Metallica hat like that's nothing is cooler my dad would never allow that and by the way same thing about the depression I haggle now. Everything he did, I love. I used to make fun of him for wearing knee-high socks. Look at me. I dress like my own pop-pop. It's in your DNA. You eventually get there. You reject it, and then you accept it.

Yeah, DNA. Dad's not available. I interrupted. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, my dad's dead. He's also not available. Hell yeah. When did he die?

I was 19. I can't believe we high-fived to my dad's death. Dead Dad Club. Is he my dad's dead. He's also not available. Hell yeah. When did he die? I was 19. I can't believe we high-fived to my dad's death. Dead Dad Club. Is he alive? He is, but he's 80, so there's not a lot of time. Oh, no. He's not a lot of time. He's healthy.

We are close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was older. Not, obviously, nearly as old as Carla. I'll get to see the baby. That's beautiful. I know. Maybe.

We've got a couple months to go. Stay alive, Papa papa but this is like my whole life so my my dad was 44 when they had me and when i was little did your i don't know if your mom did this or your mom did this about your grandpa but my mom would always be like your dad is older so he's not going to be around long like and scared me no okay i'm the only one no same well no it's not that my mom had to tell me. I could actively see him die. So it was like, I mean, I was picking up the cues from a very young age, but what made me more embarrassed is that my mom was not just a super young mom. She was

a hot fit mom. And the contrast of having a dad that looked like a grandpa and having a mom with a 16 pack, I could not explain to other seven-year-olds. Your dad has the riz. And my dad was older than my mom's dad, older than my grandpa. So it was just very confusing. And he lived through the depression, right? Like he was in like 13 or something like that. My grandfather was born in 22. Your dad was born in 24. That's wild. This year, he'd be 100 years old. So you guys were kind of raised by the same, like, male generation vibes.

Same vibe, yeah. That's wild. Yeah, I can't imagine what it's like to have a hot mom, and that's, like, happening more and more. I remember, like, there was one mom in my friend group that was hot hot and my mom would actively talk shit on her all the time be like she shouldn't be dressing like that you know and my grandfather made a comment he's like with all the money she makes you think she's got a

fucking nose job but it's like dude that must be so fucked for kids to have like hot thought moms and like moms that want to do like TikTok videos with their kids and they're like making their only child named Aiden like hold uh take pictures of them they're like no Aiden no stop you know it's like that's gonna fuck that kid up but I like that better because I am moms should not be like they shouldn't have to just be ugly and hidden away. Moms need to be ugly. Teachers need to be old. There shouldn't be hotness everywhere.

There's, I mean, what world are we living in? I do agree that teachers should be a six or below. Bro, dude. We'd eliminate a lot of- My neighbor's girlfriend is a fucking smoke show. And it is alarming how hot she is. Wait, so you're just randomly talking about a hot person? Or is she a teacher?

What? Sorry, I just went to a different place in my head. I don't think kids should be around hot people so much. And everybody's hot now. It's weird. This is such a good take. Right? I feel like it's so wild. It is. You got to ugly yourself up. Your time to be hot is. It's weird. This is such a good take. Right? It's so wild.

It is. You got to ugly yourself up. Your time to be hot is before you have kids. When you have kids, you can have a good body, whatever, work out,

but like cool it, you know? I reject that completely. So do I. I think. And let me tell you something else about women's bodies.

I'm actually warming up to this. You really have it hard. I know. And I'm sorry. Thank you so much. God hates you. I love you. I think that... Why should moms be hot? I think that moms should be...

I like that you like that. She's literally pregnant. And she's the hottest pregnant girl. I am not. I am... Thank you. Very Victoria Beckham. That's delusional, but thank you. I thought you were going to say very Victorian hot. You were not.

In Victorian times? And I was like, I see it. My lady. Oh, my God. So I don't think, I was super proud of the fact that my mom was this like fit queen only because if my dad, you know, could hardly like walk a few blocks without like his knees like buckling, right? I'm there. So I was like, at least I know there's someone with brawn in the family and with muscles.

So if anything were to happen to me, someone could come to my defense. There was this really strong figure and that was my mom. Wait, that makes so much sense that then you're like this strong figure and probably you identify as being the tough protector in a relationship. Which is why Bobby and my relationship didn't work because I was the ultra-masculine brawn of the house. Well, my mom was ultra. My mom had to be mom and dad, and she was like super tough.

And she took me to a Metallica concert and this guy smoked weed in front of us she's like can you put that out he goes fuck off and she fucking used to do this thing when she'd hit me where she'd take her knuckle and jam it into me and she did that to him and she goes don't fuck with me and the guy dropped it and like was like i'm sorry lady so my mom was like a tough fucking okay so same but that's why i have like masculine tough but effeminate i like your feminine yeah yeah i think that's what speaks louder to me and that's why I have like masculine tough, but effeminate. I like your feminine. Yeah. I think that's what speaks louder to me.

And that's what I relate to the most. I've also never met anyone like you. And it's very exciting. Like I can't, I don't understand what you are, but like I'm having fun. I'm like a Rubik's cube. I'm hard to solve. You also have impeccable style. Oh, thanks. Yeah. I dress for comfort. I feel like that's not the I'm hard to solve. You also have impeccable style. Oh, thanks.

Yeah. I dress for comfort. I feel like that's not the vibe you're giving off. No. I feel like you're very You don't look comfortable. Super cool.

I'm so comfortable. I've had these shorts since I was in fucking high school. And you know what I love about those shorts? Yes, exactly. I know. That's the hottest.

I gotta wear shorts underneath. My favorite pair of Levi's have a rip right in that same spot. I'm so jealous you guys have. I need that. It's a little You can do it.. I'm so jealous you guys have. I need that. It's a little butt hanging out. It's so hot.

I just don't have that. I just need the rip in the right place. Yeah, and it's got to be organically distressed. You cannot force a rip anywhere. Wait, what? If I don't look like I'm comfortable? No, you look like you're well put together and somebody who's thinking about fashion. Yeah.

And I love that. I don't gel well with a lot of LA. Really? put together and somebody who who's thinking about fashion yeah and i love that yeah i'm very i i i don't gel well with a lot of la i got an argument with a teen cholo yesterday what about well your guys is like parking and like why at a stop sign is there a crosswalk that's like the length of a football field or as you would say travis kelsey's playpen why is that like and so you got to edge up to like look because all the cars are on the thing so i do that and cars are zipping and zopping and then this girl like what and i'm in the crosswalk i know i'm aware i keep my windows down i go hey sorry and she gives me a look goes around and then turns around and i go

what are you looking at? She goes, you're in the middle of the crosswalk. And I go, yeah, no shit. And you need to learn acceptance. And she goes, suck a dick. And I go, where do you think I'm driving to? And she was like, what? Wait, so I heard you say that, so you are bi,

but you are only interested in relationships with women. And trans women. Okay. Specifically trans women? Trans women and women. And women. I like effeminate. Got it.

So men is just a sexual thing for you. It's like, you know when you want to like, yeah, yeah, because it's like, dude, I relate to you guys. I'll be attracted to a guy and I'll get to know him. And I'm like, you're disgusting. You know? This actually makes a lot of sense. That's actually such, yeah, that's a really great little category that you've carved out for yourself. I like that. Why? By living in a hell of where I can't just be? I have to like, I like this.

Why can't I just like one thing? And having girls date me and make me take an AIDS test? What? Do you prefer sexually... Let's get into it. If you were like really turned on, are you preferring a man or a woman? Woman. Oh.

I don't... I check women out all the time and I have this like lustful, like want to primal rip your clothes off thing. And then I don't feel that way about guys unless I'm in kind of a bad place and I need to get off. And then guys are just easier. What? That makes total sense. I feel like this is honestly how every girl secretly feels.

how every girl secretly feels. I also feel like there's probably so many men that are in this category but are not, like, open about it. Totally. Because, and it makes me feel like if a man is in the closet, that it doesn't mean that he's even gay. It's like, there's just this kind of naughtiness. Totally.

I mean, so, you know, when know when you're like on a diet and you have like a i want to be bad yeah you know yeah and like that so so many guys feel that way but it's like this crazy thing where you're not allowed to like access that and if you do you have to like over the top it was like masculine like fuck that that's fucking gay blood yeah dude you know it's gay like caring about what another man thinks like you catty bitch fuck i do also think that just being bi in general is like way harder than than being gay dude it's the only thing under the umbrella of the lgbt that is still you're still able to doubt you're still able to shit on you're still able to think is a you're a freak a liar a liar because i'm um i'm gay and i don't know it or i'm lying about being gay i've never seen

dude so i've had to fucking grip people up friends that are like nah he's not he's he's just lying i've never seen him with a whatever and i'm like yo fuck you the fuck are you to tell me what i am there's a lot of invalidation for sure. But also that's why I hate that term. I hate bisexual too, because I'll say that and people accuse me of being a bigot because they're like, well, bi means two. And that means you're not open to all genders.

You're pansexual. I'm like, well, who are you to tell me what I am? And second of all, your whole fucking pan thing is new. And that is a form of biracial. Suck my dick. I'm with who I want, when I want. I don't know what to fucking tell you. I learned Spanish in high school,

and I just still can't interpret pansexual as anything other than bred sexual. Fun. Fun sexual. Yeah, that's how I hear it. And it is bred sexual because I need it. No, go ahead. Are you the gay one?

I think terms that define sexuality are just very black and white. We've lived in such a society that wants sexuality to be black and white. Yeah. But it's so far from that. Totally. It's the last binary. Everybody's like, gender is a spectrum it's not there's man women and trans get used to it sexuality is everything encompassing and that's

why i love music because like dude bowie um freddie mercury freddie mercury wasn't gay he was bisexual you know like dude i loved that kirk Cobain wore a dress and, you know, never, I've thought about that, like wearing a dress and be like, no, I'm a dude. I'm fucking what I am. Fuck you. I'm not, you're not going to call me like non-binary or this. It's like. It's also just a fashion choice.

Like that's so silly. Like every, like King Henry wore amulets and dresses. You know what I mean? But now it's like everything is like, and also you're like i am a this and that and a blibbity blap it's like that's all you are i feel so sorry for you you're so much more than that you know which is why i like feel weird about being like i'm bi and it's also very hard to i imagine being a bi guy and telling a girl you're interested in that you're bi because I as the most open-minded girls I know um sort of lose attraction to a guy who you know would dabble in it there's

nothing dries a pussy up more than being like yeah I've been with guys because then they have this thing of like oh you get fucked it's like no I do the fucking but and they're like the only thing that could be less attractive is if I came home and you're like, can you help me open this jar? And I'm like, that would be... I've been with bi guys. And I recently dated a guy who was like very into like trans girls and stuff.

And I don't know, like I think the only truly bad experience I had with a bi guy was he just was so adamantly opposed to opening up to me about it. But then I would, I had heard stories of him dating guys prior to me. And even after we broke up, him dating dudes after me. But he was, he really like suppressed that.

Like, and I understood it's like not, you know, he can tell it at his own time or whatever. But still, he treated me so poorly. Like he was just a straight up asshole and i think that um i would have been the only girl and i was fine i was just as attracted to him knowing he was bi but he just never opened up and that was such a disappointment to me and he ended up like beating me anyways oh jesus yeah maybe that's why yeah what a fucking cocksucker and and dude it took forever to be okay with myself and it's so fun like i feel like the rings helped dude, it took forever to be okay with myself. And it's so fun.

Like, I feel like the rings helped me like open a door to be like more of who I am, you know? But- You do have great rings. Yeah. Thank you. This is given to me by a native family in San Antonio. Turquoise. But yeah, no. But it is funny because you said it's more attractive when people are open.

Yeah, no, but it is funny because you said it's more attractive when people are open. But then there's a thing of like, I'll champion you and be in your corner. But if we date, I'm not going to like that. And I will be afraid that you will leave me for that. And also kind of gross. I'm a yeah, yeah, yes, queen. Live your life. And when we're in a monogamous relationship, I turn into an evangelical Baptist Christian. It's like, listen, I'm queer.

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Ian. But I mean, like everyone is entitled to their own preference, right? So if they're like, you know what? I don't. And I get that. And that's what sucks is like, I have to share that part of me with them.

And then I also have to be okay if they're not okay with it. Yeah. And that sucks. And that's so bold and brave because it probably is easier to just keep that a secret. Yeah, I think most people do. Yeah, but it's like that's shitty. Yeah.

That's like keeping a secret that you have herpes. Because being gay is a disease is what I'm saying. I feel like all the young kids are just openly talking about their herpes now. So it's not a thing anymore. Our generation. It's like not a death sentence. It's not. But you got to let someone know.

And then you got to deal with the fact that like, hey, they might not be into it, you know? Into the herpes. But it's just an occasional outbreak. I know. That's what I say with sucking cock. I'm like, I just get an occasional outbreak. You know, it's no big deal.

Do you have those moments though, where just a week and you're like, all I want an occasional outbreak. You know, it's no big deal. Do you have those moments though where just a week and you're like, all I want to do this week is go rabid and strictly suck cock? Yeah. And then I get there and I'm like, what am I doing? You know? Like I've been in guys' apartments and I'm like, how the fuck did I end up here?

So this is such an interesting topic. Yeah. So you feel like weird about it? Do you, are you into it? You're into it. Because it sounds like it's a seasonal thing where it's like you hit. It's like when you want to feel shame or like dirty. And that is like, is that internalized homophobia?

Or like, because I'm also bipolar and I've worked really hard internalized homophobia or like because i'm also bipolar and i've i've worked really hard to like take care of it i'm bipolar too a side effect of bipolar is um uh acting out in dangerous ways and um you know like being risky sexually and you know like i used to go to like glory holes and i was never feeling good when I walked into one. Do they still have glory holes? Oh yeah. I can tell you where they are. I have never, like I always thought this was something that like,

I'm just walking around with a drill, making my own, be the change you want to see in the world. There's actually one right behind you. Oh, I knew I felt at home. Wait a second. There are, I always thought this was like a a a thing that only like boomers talked about lila you we did a podcast with carlos for

two years you don't know there's glory holes i mean i don't i thought that maybe there were just still no lila there's an there's an app that will tell you where they are. Of course. Sniffies. It's called sniffies. Bro, I had quite a time on sniffies a couple months ago. Can you explain sniffies, please? Dude, do you know Grindr? Yeah, of course. Okay, Tinder is like this. Grindr is like on crack, and sniffies is Grindr on meth,

which is what a lot of guys use on snippies um dude it literally like it it's it's a map grid with an avatar of your profile picture which is like a dick or a butt or a torso and it's just guys wanting like anonymous like i'm i'm face down ass up in my bed the doors unlock come in and use me. And then there's a group chat where it's like, Hey guys, I'm looking for a pump and dump. If anyone's having a jerk party, if anyone wants to meet up in the park, I'm here.

I don't see anyone. It's crazy. So it sounds like he's doing a bit, like it sounds like that's exaggerated, but it it sounds like that's exaggerated bro it's not that's what it is like word for word i mean i've been at the airport and been like yeah um i got a delayed flight is anyone a gate b8 i want an example of a sniffy's post you've posted well i'll like message a guy or whatever and and dude it's like this weird thing how like and again i'm never in a good place when i'm doing

this you know you keep having it's never that's the thing i really relate to that i think i'm like a sex addict more than i am like a i mean i am you know that but um it's i'm never in like a good place and then i had this fancy about like getting like gang banged and like like that's a porn i watch and i'm like oh i want to be the little fella that's a porn I watch. And I'm like, Oh, I want to be the little fella that's got dicks a plenty, you know? And then I had the chance to get there and I'm like, I, this is beyond my, my, this is a lot. That's also very normal to have fantasies about things that you would never do. Yeah. That's all the porn I watch. I feel like that, that it's its own category that we cannot touch or judge a person by like at. Yeah, that's all the porn I watch. I feel like that it's its own category

that we cannot touch or judge a person by at all. And that's why some girls are like, porn is cheating or like, how could you even think of that? And I'm like, because I can't control my thoughts. I don't know what to tell you. It can be cheating. I think that it can be a form of neglecting a relationship.

Not necessarily cheating. Because for someone, like Bobby, say for instance, when because he just no longer wanted to engage or put in the effort to like turn me on, he would rather just get a quick nut from porn.

But that's not cheating. It's not cheating. That's complacency. But as I'm saying, it's more like emotional, like it's more like a neglectful thing to do in a relationship.

Right, but it's nowhere near cheating. It's like an addiction or something. It is a slippery slope. Yeah, and it is a slippery slope right because also i notice i'll be doing great things are fantastic and then i'll look at pornography and then i'll

go on the apps to edge towards meeting someone and then that fantasy kicks off and then sometimes i'll get so horny that i'm like okay let's do this and and it always starts with porn and the gateway to porn are these fucking butt models on Instagram. They gotta stop watching. They're all jiggling. And then I'm like, well, she's, you know, obviously got an OnlyFans. Well, I want to support women. And then I do that.

And then I'm like, now I'm on the pathway to jerk town. And it's, dude, I'm telling you. And also, because I've really tried to like distill down to where this comes from and like if i get rejected or if i have like a bad night or if i i hear no or if like i don't sell well you know i'll like be like okay i need a way to feel good this is so related this isn't a way to feed this is our. I was going to say, this is very just like disordered in a way that's similar to like an eating disorder. Where it's like, well, I am incapable of coping properly in this situation. So I'm going to turn and purge.

And it's whether it's sex, whether it's food, whether it's video games, there is always going to be some type of like unhealthy like outlet there. of like unhealthy like outlet there? I shave the handlebars down on my bicycle and I ride through cars and I don't wear a helmet because it brings me back to that danger I had when I was like drinking. And again, that's like a side effect. It's a symptom of the thing that I have.

You're very self-persecutory, I think. Oh, totally. Guilt and shame are like a huge part of, you know, my upbringing, like DNA. And I see it act out in different ways is there a release or a relief after you've done those things or is it just more shame well that's the thing if i behave in a shameful way i start to if if i i need to act in esteemable ways to have self-esteem and if i act in shameful ways i'll begin a shame cycle and shame for like I don't want to be like go around sex guy like I

definitely crave like love companionship nurturing both ways but it's easier just to get my rocks off and hit that like dopamine of like quick has there ever been a time where you felt like oh this is a healthy loving um sexual relationship that I'm in. Like, is there every... Sorry, we just randomly eat bananas. I know it has nothing to do. It's nothing sexual. Oh no, I thought I got a phone call. I thought it was my guy from Sniffies.

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I like the sex we're having. It's a little bit vanilla, but I like it here. Can I answer? Please. Just in my addiction situations, whatever. I can be in that where it's healthy, it loving i'm getting my needs met but then i'm i still would years ago when me and dave were first together and things were great and then the newness wears off and then i'm i find myself walking alone into a room eating like two cookies i don't want him to

know that i'm eating and i'm just like so it doesn't it's like that's like so innocent you're like I ate too many cookies and I'm just like fucking having some guy fuck me on a subway platform but I'm just differentiating just kidding he wanted to and I kept it in his apartment my need for a coping mechanism doesn't mean that my relationship isn't good but also clearly it's like a me issue i don't know but go ahead yeah you're just saying there's still just just because there is this healthy part of your life doesn't mean the unhealthy automatically disappears yeah but but i i think communication is like so like tantamount to me to everything because i i did have that for a brief period and it was like so beautiful and so wonderful. And I told

myself like, look, and I told her too, I said, Hey, if this, cause we, we dove in real fast. I was like, if this lasts for two months, I'm going to ride it till the wheels fall off. I'm going to love you with everything I have. And if this lasts for a couple months, great. If it lasts for a year, five or forever, even better. But if it ends it ends I'm gonna be grateful that I gave it everything I got let's fucking go and it was so good and then stuff started cropping up and especially like with my proclit like she saw the pornography I was looking at and that was like an issue and she's like I don't want to hear about this I don't want to have these talks you need to just keep that to yourself and that that to me was like, ah.

So if I'm with someone and I have that, I have to be fully open about everything. You want them to accept all the parts of you. Yeah, which is a big ask. The sexual stuff. Which is like a big ask. And I get it. Radical transparency.

Yeah. Honestly, I wish I had that in my last relationship. And it's also cool that you want that. And that you don't want to just like have a shameful secret from your loved partner. No, because I had a shameful secret for three fucking decades, you know? Like, so I can, I only want to like live openly and honestly to the best and maybe to a fault because I'm also honest about like the bad shit and I try not to be, but I'm fucking human. It just wasn't a match because I think that she probably wanted something safe and vanilla, which is like what most people. Well, the sex wasn't vanilla.

The sex got to like a place where I was like getting turned on by things I never thought I'd get turned on by. But then we wouldn't talk about it afterwards. So it's like a lot of like daddy mommy stuff. And then afterwards would be like, let's go about our business. and then for the rest of the day i'd be like what did we just say to each other but i feel like that's allowed because for me it's like the bedroom is a place where i don't have to i don't have to um how do i say like debrief after it's like whoever i am there you're just sometimes you have to debrief i don't think so i've been i do not like a debrief after it's like whoever i am there you're just sometimes you have to debrief i don't think so i've been i do not like a debrief it's like if i come in here and my role today is that of like a shoemaker and i'm going to like you know like can we do cobbler play that's what she does i do i've

been so bobby's been like a rich like aristocrat and i've been like a shoemaker like a door-to-door shoemaker and we've done like the most insane role-playing stuff. I've been like a jihadi princess and he's been an American soldier and we're like star-crossed lovers. And there's like bombs involved. I dated a girl like that. She wouldn't introduce me to her family because I was white. You know why she didn't introduce you?

I never talked to her in my life. It's because you were asking for a debrief after. Well, yeah, because she wanted like in... No, no, she legit was Muslim and she wouldn't introduce me her family yeah yeah no she was she was irani and pakistani but i she we would do she would want these crazy things in bed and i was like hey can we talk about this i like when you are having me fuck me fuck you and tell me that have me tell you that i could like kill you right now like i'm down to play but like can we this is making me that, have me tell you that I could, like, kill you right now. Like, I'm down to play, but, like, can we,

this is making me feel odd. She's like, you're not mature and you don't understand. Everything's fine. And I was like, okay. I would have to agree with her, because everything, in my head at least, it's in the spirit of play and fantasy. It's fantasy land.

Yeah, for you, but when it's not my fantasy and I'm going along with it, and then I'm like, am I this guy i this guy just like assure me that it's not that right and when you're like threatening to kill someone yeah and i'm like dude i'm doing this for you it's like when girls do anal i know it's not for you okay but you're doing it for me thank you but i i i need some talk about it because then then I'm like, am I a fucking kill guy? I used to get excited for Christmas. She asked me, she's like, can we do replay?

And I was like, dude, I got to be honest. I will do whatever you want. And I'm down to make you feel good. But I know me and I don't know if I could get a hard-on hiding wearing a mask. And she was like, what? And I was like, and also like I live in Brooklyn. There aren't like bushes. And she's like, no, idiot. Like when I say stop, keep going.

And I was like, oh, you don't want me to like grab you on the street? And she was like, no. And I'm like, oh, okay. So she didn't want the whole, you know beginning to end it was like um non-sensual consensual set yeah non-consensual consent consensual non-consent i i hate to be further demonetized on youtube but i mean i have definitely are we done no no i mean like did i fuck you guys okay i no no no you're fine i have no money i've been deaf I've definitely done. Take the banana back. Can I get your 25 cents back?

I've definitely done the consensual non-consensual from beginning to end and threw my ass in the bathtub, peed on my head. Like we had a safe word obviously, but just did the whole, and it was my idea was, oh, cause I was like sexually assaulted and I was like, like a lot. My family members, my family doctor, stuff like that. So I was like, I'm going to take back the night. Did you go to UCLA? I had my personal Larry Nassar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say,

shout out Larry Nassar. One of the goats. I'm kidding. We're already demonetized, alright? Let's go there. The vaccine was a sham. If you're going to be a Dr. Diddler, be a Larry Nassar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, terrible, terrible.

Horrible. The guy should be fucking murdered. I want to say to you, Ian, that I'm newly single and have been dating a lot. And my theory has always been like, why would a man come and see you when they can just go on Pornhub and like watch, jerk off? And like if they live on the west side especially they're not coming to the east side

you know if they can just do it and then be done and I really appreciate that you make the effort to go out and meet people maybe it's because you're a New Yorker

I like being around people yeah I can't be alone yeah but if it's like I feel like I worry and there's also an article

that we had about this that men are going to become too obsessed with mass like porn hub and porn yeah and also men are like no longer masculine and like so many girls that i've i've been with are like thank you for like taking charge and like going down on me and eating my ass like guys don't do that and they keep asking for like consent at every turn and i'm like yeah if we're making out like you can have consent with like body language you know you know i've never formally thanked someone for eating my ass i should really start doing that i've gotten esther yes always i did get told stop high-fiving me because i kept being like, hell yeah. Dirt? Yeah. Dirt? Yeah. But I've been into this new phase where like, I've like done everything and like fucking is like great, but I've kind of been into like high school stuff where I like- Dry humping.

Dry humping. I know. Let's make out. Put it here, guys. Put it here. Dude, dry humping in the Wranglers. I'm bringing it back. Yes.

The little burn you got. Third eye blind. Let's go. This is a dream. You're literally setting... I've never been wetter. Dude, I asked to... This is a dream come true. I've been saying this for years. Dude, I asked a girl

if we could... I could lay like this and she lays upside down and our heads are next to each other and we're kissing and we're just masturbating. Well, cause I think that like everything has just gone into like the, it dried me up. Sorry, I had to turn away.

See, I take it too far. I'm sorry. You took it to mutual masturbation. I don't like mutual masturbation. Why? I like it too. Yeah. I mean, a gay man has to love mutual masturbation.

Yeah. Dude, like dirty talking In your ear And like touching each other And like helping each other out That's hot Here's what I think Wait what made you wet

The fucking Dry humping Dry humping Without any Without anything Because I think that Everything is so full blast Like 4k

8k Yeah And it's like I've seen it all There isn't anything Remind me of my youth Yeah yeah so it's like bring me back to the beginning when i'm like hey i don't want to like go further if you're cool with just like fooling around a little bit that's like great and then they look and i'm like what if we like

kissed and looked at each other while we jerked off and they look at me like i'm a gay time traveler it's like fucking wild no a makeout session with some dry humping. But you gotta jizz, right? There's no jizzing on this story she's about to tell. No, like this is a situation where we're just edging and we're working slowly to the- All right, well, then you gotta be cool with me going in the bathroom and taking care of business.

Always. Or if I'm leaving, going behind the dumpster to Walgreens in a rental car. Enterprise, I'm sorry. I just think that Esther, you're right. Bring back the middle school vibes. It's fun.

The butterfly. And like communicating that. That's like really fun. And just maybe just like making out. Bring back making out. Yeah. Do you still make out? Of course. I've really been like making out. Bring back making out. Yeah. Do you still make out? Of course.

I've really been getting into it. It's awesome. Yeah, bring that back. Yeah, I agree. Kyla, who's not making out with you? Oh, I've been making out. And honestly, like, so the guy that I'm seeing now,

I was very- Oh, you're seeing someone? Yeah. Thank you for having me on the podcast. I appreciate it, guys. Dude, i gotta go get tickets to cd live but that was my no that's great that was my game plan was to go really slow start middle school and he would like come over and we would just talk on the couch and i mean we were like obviously i'm

sure he was like bricked up and, but I loved the tension building. And I dragged that on for like a month. Wait, you with no sex? With no sex. That's crazy. That's crazy. You're lucky you're hot. That's crazy. Are you kidding me? That's crazy. We'd talk till four in the morning just on the couch. And then once in a while we would like hug and cuddle. And I'd be like, he can put me to bed Now can you tuck me in and then he would just go home This is turning me on I don't know how you pull this off Do you jerk off when he leaves?

I mean yes but not like In front of each other nothing I drag this on for a whole month But what if like Okay I would be so stressed though That then at the end of the month Like you do it and there's like it's yeah no by the time we got there i mean i've i saw what he was yeah but how do you drag that on in a month

and not say like i love you and like these are feelings i think that's why like we got there like pretty fast by the time it happened then it was like it's pretty explosive but that's because the lead-up was so intense yeah i just thought it was way more fun that way i had never really done it before i was always someone who like selfish bitch what are you talking about this guy's got fucking balls the size of goddamn this fucking something that's big i can't think because i'm just like how does he do this for a month oh my god but guys like that i swear when a guy likes you they want you to make them wait. They don't want it to be handed to them.

There's something to be said about that, yes, but it is hot. I have a fantasy of being friends with someone first and taking it slow like that because everything I do is like sex first and then let's get to know each other. And then halfway through, I'm like, who are you? I don't like foreign films. IFC. You know, yeah, this sucks. So there's, I totally agree with that. But I don't think you,

I don't think across the board guys like that, but maybe they should because then it definitely humanizes people. I think you're just sort of forced to, you're forced to really kind of like talk and flirt. And like I really had after Bobby, I think I completely forgot how to do all of those things. Wait, how long into things with Bobby did you guys do it?

Bobby and I think the fifth date, but he had to drive out to Long Beach like several times. And I made him do this thing. I hate walking down memory lane. Yeah, it's like an hour away. But I would made him do this thing i hate you know walking down memory lane yeah it's like an hour away but i would make him do this thing where like the first time we had sex i i built like a little workout circuit what god this is gonna be really weird to say but it would be like let's make out for five seconds and then i'll go to that corner and like jerk off for 15 and then come back around you cross-fitted your first time

having sex it was an obstacle course and well i hope he won a big fucking crag rock at the end i mean talk about a legend of the hidden temple and then i'm gonna move here and you're gonna spit in my mouth it was a weird thing i was into at that time but i was just an ex-athlete so like i had to like incorporate some kind of like regimented military bootcamp style. It's kind of such a funny way to like torture a guy too. I don't know.

Well, I think it's because in the back of my head, I was like, I think he's really weird. And let's just like... Was he into this? Was he into it? Was he into it?

I mean, he was like shocked, I think. Yeah. Because it turns out like Bobby's quite vanilla. Yeah. Like he's a sweet Bobby's quite vanilla. Yeah. Like he's a sweet little Christian boy in the bedroom. You know what's funny? I feel like I give off this vibe of like, but I'm very, I think, vanilla too.

Like if you were like, let's role play, I'd be like. So are you like a lock eyes and like say sweet things to your partner? I can switch. I can be like fucking super dumb and like rough and wild and then like really nice and like nurturing yeah i'm kind of over the dumb stuff like i'm really into the nurturing sex now you need both yeah i mean sometimes my eyes go black

like wing of crow and i'm like you know but like if you were like walk me around like a dog I'd be like Esther what if I get but what if I can't get to do the leash on you have a resident um I do like no but I do in the downtime how do you not make jokes no no no I just there's like little things where you feel a little bit like a dogy. It's like, I like that. I mean, that's a whole kink. It's called a play. Yeah. I'm not putting on a costume.

I'm not like barking or anything. Are you eating out of a dog bowl? When I was little, I did that, but it wasn't sexual. Well, now we know where it comes from. Wow. But like there is something about being someone's like pet or something something, but it's like a theme. It's not explicit. It's like a dusting, a sprinkle.

Well, Esther, do you like being dominated? I can't answer that. I am eight months pregnant, Julian. You are disgusting. Oh, you can't answer that, but you can be like, well, I'd be like a dog. Ruff, ruff. What are you talking about? Just answer the question.

Yeah, I think she likes to be dominated. How dare you? She's eating out of a bowl. She's getting swatted in? Just answer the question. Yeah, I think she likes to be dominated. How dare you? She's eating out of a bowl. She's getting swatted in the nose of the newspaper. Her guy makes her piss on a puppy pad. She likes being dominated. Ooh, that's a really good idea. No, it isn't, Kalilah.

What world are you guys living in? The puppy pad thing. Oh, sorry. I take it back. Can we cut that out? No. No. Keep it. I'm going gonna fucking send you just a

costco size of puppy pads thanks for having me on the show dude i yeah that's the thing i think i am vanilla i mean like i like butt stuff and like that because you strike me as such like a tender so like you are someone and no disrespect to my partner, but like I would cuddle the shit out of you. Yeah, I like that. And you are you give off that like I like we can sit here and cuddle sweetly for six hours. I mean, I don't know. That's just the vibe you give off. I'm going to hump you like a dog.

Yeah, we'll cuddle sweetly. I mean, I'm only one man. But yeah. Our last big argument, by the way, was Ian seems to think everyone, 100% of the population snores. Yeah. And he doesn't believe that I don't and that some people simply don't snore.

But you also give off a vibe that your farts are like. I don't fart. Yeah, right. I've actually never farted in front of a partner. You're insane. Even Bobby? Never. You're insane. 10 years, never. You're insane. I can't do it. I cannot do it. Yeah, right. I've actually never farted in front of a partner. You're insane. Even Bobby? Never. You're insane.

Ten years, never. You're insane. I can't do it. I cannot do it. You're insane. Your nose is going to knock that table over when you turn, you little Pinocchio. You're lying. I was just talking about this with my cousin, and it's actually, it's so bad for you to

like hold it in. Yeah. I don't hold it in. I just go to a different like setting room, wherever. I have a fart chamber. I walk away and go, give me a second. Yeah. I don't hold it in. I just go to a different like setting room, wherever. I have a fart chamber. I walk away and go, give me a second. Yeah. But they hear it. I mean, hearing's fine. I don't want to live in a fart cloud. I once dated a guy who had the wettest, grossest farts and I just got, it turned me off. I wasn't into it. And I know we're just supposed to accept all of each other's like. Sometimes it's fun to be like, oh dude, you know what I heard?

others like sometimes it's fun to be like oh dude you know what i heard no no that i disagree with i'm like fine with it but i don't think it's funny all the time i don't find farting or shit funny i also i used to i've been married and i would hide pooping like i pooping and farting i would be like that's i can know you're doing it but i don't want to smell it okay so you sort of agree that. I agree. I think that I got into this argument with your podcast co-host, Jordan. When she was on our show, she was saying, we argued, she thinks farting is funny and I don't. Oh, yeah. We fart into each other's asses all the time.

Oh, my God. We like fart on each other. It's reverberating. It's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think it's funny with friends, just not with a romantic partner. Like, I'll have a good. Yeah, but don't you want to be friends with your romantic partner? Of course. It's just I also still want to have sex with them. Yeah. So it's time with friends just not with a romantic partner like i'll i'll have a good yeah but don't you want to be friends with your romantic partner of course it's just i also still want to have sex

with them yeah so it's time and place part does make you much less attractive i think totally i would much rather be farting with my partner than a friend that's it's too intimate no esther i think there's a time and a place it's not like I'm about to fuck you and be like, do you want this fucking dick? Cause I got something to say about that. You know, that's no, but if you're watching something on TV and you're like, you know, I don't know,

like I'm trying to turn the volume up, you know, that's funny. I mean, it has to come out. It has to come out. But if it's like a, if,

if, if I know it's going to be a stinker, I leave. And sometimes they slip through it when that sucks. This guy, I think it's like a if if i know it's gonna be a stinker i leave and sometimes they slip through when that sucks this guy i think it's because he had hips and i think that sort of like made it worse for me but he would um if i was watching tv say for instance he would get in front of the tv pull his pants down spread his ass cheeks that's unacceptable and fart a really wet fart no no no no what that's what i'm saying and maybe you thought

you'd be into it because the first time you guys were together you're like welcome to the ninja warrior a pussy so he's like oh let's do something weird i set him up yeah yeah i set him up to fail yeah that's crazy though it's so weird to me that i was once upon a time was into weird stuff. And, and also like, I'm just not into hearing dudes fart. Also with women, I like love smells. I will fucking live in your armpit. Let me put my nose in your ear. If you go to the gym, sit on my face and take my breath away. If you're a guy and I even have a scent of anything, well, you're out of here, Pedro. Really? So your requirement out of a male sexual partner is to be a woman. Right. He has to smell good. Yeah. Hygiene on point. And I don't like ass, man ass. But then

women, they can be as sloppy. And they got to be shaved. But you don't require shaving from a woman. I like it. But she can be a little bit more sloppy and relaxed. Unshowered. Unshowered. But teeth brushed. Teeth brush is number one. Always number one. Are you into feminine guys?

Yeah. And I've never been attracted to like a guy friend. That's the thing. Like my buddy was telling me about one of his gay friends. He's like, dude, he's the coolest man. He's like, real chill. We'll be hanging out and be like, yo, we're about to bounce. You want me to suck your dick? And you're like, no. And He's like, dude, he's the coolest man. He's like, real chill. We'll be hanging out and be like, yo, we're about to bounce.

You want me to suck your dick? And you're like, no. And he's like, all right, cool. Let's go. And I'm not that at all. Like, I've never been attracted to a guy friend. But girls, I'm like, oh, Michelle, what if we were best friends and we loved each other?

But I've never been in a sleepover and been like, Justin, let's just do this you know have you ever like long conned a girl and had a crush on her for so long put yourself in the friend zone and then crawled out of it no i don't like the term long con because that's like conniving and like manipulative i always thought that i was like oh i can have guy friends and um i have guy friends who don't want to fuck me and yes i while i still do um i have been long conned and just recently too this is a guy i've known for 15 years i know his wife i know his kids i mean like friends like he was like a family friend and very very recently he turned

to me for advice because his like marriage was like kind of whatever but forgetting the fact that i'm also good friends with his wife and then shot his shot yeah it's called grooming and i'm like it's not long conning it's grooming butving. But now. Wait, how did he shoot a shot? God, I wish I could read you the text. But he was always like, you know, I've always been into Filipina girls. Over text? Well, that's a horrible way. And he brought up race?

That guy sucks. That's the worst way. And I was like, oh, no. And then I just left him on read. I was like, this is not okay. How could that be the line that you use? I am into your race. And you have 15 years to think of the line?

And you go with, I've always been into Filipino girls. Wait, is this a game? Yes, so we're going to wind down with this game. Okay, cool. It's red flag or we let it slide. Since you're single and dating, it seems like if you find this out, how much of this does it affect your attraction to the person? Both emotionally and physically.

I like that. First one's green text. What are green text? Android users. Oh, Android. I don't care. It's a red flag to me. I agree.

What? Why? Because it's a certain type of person that won't get an iPhone. But some people like Samsung and Android. But I want to have the same iOS system. I want us to have more in common than that. The reason it's a red flag for me is I need to know how to look through your phone. What?

That's some Scorpio shit. That's a red flag to me. Are you kidding me? You just reversed Uno to red flag. That's wild. If I need to, if it warrants a search. What would warrant? Many things. No.

To search through someone's phone. Why would you ever search through a partner's phone? Because you suspect that they are maybe doing things. Ask them. And if they say no? Then take them at their word because they're your partner. You don't cross that boundary. Have you ever had someone do that to you? It's wildly.

Yes, it is. You know what? You're right in that. Wildly hurtful and incredibly, I can't even think of the word. It's just, it's so, you feel violated. Violated. It's violated. Esther?

I think that sometimes if you're trapped in something and you just know that they're lying and you can't get out and you want proof and going through their phone is a way to get there i think sometimes it's got i think it's a case by case i think you're right i had i mean like i've had that happen to me like right read my diary my phone it's yes I had someone read my journal and use it against me. And it's so hurtful. It fucks me up. But no, these are my, like, thoughts that I get out to not have them be in me all the time.

Like, how dare you? But if I'm suspecting you of, like, possibly cheating on me, I'm not looking at your diary. I'm looking at- Well, that's on you. You should suck my dick more. What's your problem?

I mean, problem solved. No, I don't know. I should suck my dick more. What's your problem? I mean, problem solved! No, I don't know. I don't think it's ever okay to look through someone's stuff. And if they are cheating, it'll come out in the wash. We'll fucking figure it out. But to go through someone's stuff, I gotta put my foot down. I can't agree with that. I do agree with you now on that.

Like, I think when I was younger, it's something that I would've and did do, but it is now I would not, it's something that I would have ended due, but it is now I would not, I would not want to see. May I say, I am guilty of this, looking over the shoulder a little. Oh, that's nothing. So the last time I looked through someone's phone, the last time I looked through someone's phone is because a text came through and I did one of those and I didn't like what I

saw. So ask. And I did. And it was denied. And so. But how do you know what you saw. So ask. And I did, and it was denied. But how do you know what you saw was a thing if you're just boop, boop? And when I did go through his stuff, I was correct, and then I asked him again, hey, that text that came through, what was that? And he was like, I swear to God, it wasn't this.

And I was like, oh, yeah, and then I had the proof. And what did he say? And then, you know, he was like, I'm sorry I fucked up and you know, but it got there sooner. Did you stay with him? No. Also, I'll, can I make an addendum? I don't care about green text, green it up, whatever. I'm a blue text guy. If you're in a group chat, that really bothers me. You fucked it. I want the group chat to just all be one color. Or all the same, like when someone sends a video and one person has Android, then the quality of that video is dog shit.

It's tiny. Yeah, it's like little. And then you're like, okay, now I got to do a Wii transfer. Like, what are we doing? Let's all be on the same user base. Yes. You know what the Android users say, though, to that model? That's Apple.

They're like, just get WhatsApp. I mean, iMessage is the worst thing. This is my brother, by the way. But it's also Apple because they're changing it so Android, it turns to blue. Well, yeah, there's no more green. There shouldn't be any green text moving forward soon, I think. I do agree about the WhatsApp thing, though. What?

I do agree about the WhatsApp thing. Everyone should have WhatsApp. Everyone should have WhatsApp. Oh, that's just because you live in a different country, too. Oh, that is true. That's international talk. International talk. But it is better.

I do like WhatsApp. It's easier to search and scroll and find stuff. And if you're searching and you get a bunch of messages, it doesn't automatically bring up the new messages. Okay, is this a red flag or do we let it slide on a first date? Brightly colored dyed hair. Green, blue, orange, pink. May I go first? It's only a red flag if you didn't know they had that hair color.

Like if we're talking and you're a brunette and we're going to meet up and then your hair's pink and I don't know it, it's like, whoa. I didn't know parents could get re-divorced. Like, what are you going through? I love this when I see it, but on a date, I don't know if I am down. I don't know. Not to sound terrible,

but I feel like it would definitely be different if it was on a guy versus on a woman. Right. Yeah, what's your take on guys with these colored hairs? Ow. Yeah. If they're not into like punk rock and hardcore rock and roll, fuck you. Like if I see a design in your hair.

Bro, these fucking future queers that dress like they're in the Matrix with their little dangly ears and their platform boots that have like crazy dyed hair. It's like, get out of here. Right? I don't think I feel that. Guy's the only one nodding. Sure. I don't know. Guy? Sure.

Thank you, Guy, for finally making a noise and it being a stamp of approval for me. Thank you. You came in strong with that. Thank you. Okay, smokes of vape. I already know how you feel about this. Oh, yeah. You hate vape.

He only does analog. Analog cigarettes only. I'm a, I don't know. I'm like a new old school guy. I like my cigarettes smoked and my women with dicks. I love cigarettes. I'm not going to stop. Vaping sucks. And everybody that vapes,

vapes nonstop and then judges me for fucking chain smoking. I would say that a vape is definitely an ick for me. Oh, really? I think vape breath is worse than cigarette breath. Interesting. There is something staler. I mean, look, cigarette breath is terrible. Interesting. There is something staler. I mean, look, cigarette breath is terrible. Sorry. Throw a dagger. Terrible.

Immediately, we'll be like, you smell like cigarettes. Is that how I greeted you today? You were like, do I smell like food? I was like, no, you smell great. I go, do I smell like cigarettes? You're like, yes. Yeah, we all smelled it when you walked in. I'm sorry.

You know what's weird? It's okay. Initially, I smell like it, but then do I smell like it now? Dude, my car doesn't smell like it. My fucking clothes don't smell like it. It doesn't bother me when someone smells like cigarettes. Like, that's not, I'm not like so insulted or grossed out. Yeah, me neither. It's just in the morning when you're sleeping next to a partner who is you know like a smoker

yeah it gets a little funky yeah really yeah and i think you can't desensitize you are desensitized but then if you were to quit smoking you would smell it on other smokers like pretty harshly i love to i love a weed vape and i miss i miss it so much. And I just so, I have this beautiful romantic vision of hitting a weed vape. Like, and how easy it is and how good it makes you feel. So I'm longing for that right now. Tell me I'm with cigarettes. Really? Oh my God, the first one in the morning.

We're so, it's sad. But I feel like a weed vape is still better than just a regular nicotine vape. Tobacco vape, they're just sucking on it all day long too. The all day thing. It is. You're sucking on it all day. And then when I'm like, oh, I gotta have a smoke. They're like, you rarely do that a lot.

I'm like, you're blowing mango into your shirt. Like, fuck you. Yeah. You know? Okay, last one. If you were at a sushi date and a girl asked, do they have chicken tenders? This definitely would have been me like five years ago. Fucking get ready for an Amber Alert because you're on a date with a child.

Okay? That's crazy. Oh, my God. Ian, thank you so much for coming and doing our show. Thank you. This is so much fun. I really appreciate it, guys. I really learned.

Like my mind was expanded today in a really nice way. So thank you. Mostly just thinking about, like, addictions and coping and stuff. Yeah. No, you guys are so wonderful. I'm grateful you had me on and you fit me in. And it was so fun. Please come back anytime.

You should go and watch. I know they already do, Being Ian with Jordan on YouTube. And are you on tour? Anything else? I am, yeah. Ian Jordan on YouTube. And are you on tour? Anything else? I am, yeah. IanFidance.com for all my dates. And I have a special coming out, which I'm putting out on the podcast YouTube page, which is YouTube.com slash BeAnIanPod.

So subscribe to that. You'll get the podcast every week. And then my special comes out. It's called Ian Fidance, Wild, Happy, and Free. And I'm really excited. Oh, my God. I can't wait to watch yeah yeah yeah i'm really really proud of it so i'm excited thank you for being here

thanks everyone for listening we'll see you next week with a brand new episode bye