Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - It's Giving Handmaids - Ep 135

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors:  BetterHelp - Visit our sponsor https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday today to get 10% off your first month. Quip - If you go to getquip.com/trashtuesday right now, you’ll get 20% off any Electric Toothbrush, Mint & Gum Dispenser, Water Flosser.  FINALLY! Trash Tuesday Merch!! Get it at https://trash-tuesday-store.myshopify.com/   See Annie on tour. Check out dates at https://www.annielederman.com/shows See Esther on tour. Check out dates at estheronice.com   Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday   00:00 - I'm "Of-Fly" 06:01 - Filet of Fish Is A Healthy Option 09:58 - Quaker Camp Social Justice Warrior 18:45 - Can You Describe To Me "Quad-Play" 34:06 - Boy Mom Or Girl Mom 41:38 - How Important Is Money In A Relationship  51:09 - Pet Names And Partners 01:13:54 - Taking Inventory Of Your Life    Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079 AnnieWood - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/anniewood/id1653515392 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: Real Good Touring Produced by: Ten42 Podcast Producer: Stella Young

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well not if i'm all okay the fly is attracted to me it's finally something sexual i'm a fly. That's my handmade saying. I so badly want to just have my crotch on your head while you're getting banged out. We- Slugs, we have the biggest announcement of our lives right now. Pinch yourselves. Pinch yourselves.

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Each of these are available. Just click the link below. We have, look, Kalilah and I are modeling them in extra larges that we're wearing as dresses. I'm wearing a small tank top and it's my favorite tank top I've ever owned. I love it so much. It's so cute. I wore it on stage last night. Everybody loved it. We're so excited about our new merch. We're going to be wearing it 24-7 because we can't believe it took us two years to get here. September 12th. These are so comfy, so cute.

Cut them, crop them. And then send us pics. Muscle shirt them. And then go out in the world and meet other slugs and talk about skull fucking. You know what to do. Wear us. Hey, sluggies. Welcome to our new set.

We're so excited. So many fun things coming. I am on the road as always. I'll be at the Comedy Store for the next Annie Wooden Friends, September 20th. Get your tickets. It always sells out. I'll be in Austin, Texas at the Vulcan, October 6th and 7th. I'm going to be in La Jolla shooting my comedy special, October 13th and 14th. I'll be in San Jose, California at the Improv, November 17th and 18 and Houston, Texas December 15th and 16th. I am always adding dates so go to AnnieLetterman.com slash shows for tickets. I'm going to be in Washington, D.C., and you better get your tickets because the first show, it already sold out. Still tickets for the second show at the D.C. Improv.

And then where? Boston, September 30th at the Wilbur. You can get tickets at esteronice.com. I'm bringing a special guest who's never been with me on my tour before. And then I'll be in Chicago, San Diego, all these great places. Get tickets at astroneye.com. I love you. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Get a break from your thoughts with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash trash Tuesday. Thank you to our sponsor Quip. If you go to getquip.com slash trash Tuesday right now, you get 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser,

water flosser. That's 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser at getquip.com slash trash Tuesday spelled G E T Q UP.com slash trash Tuesday. Quip the good habits company. Okay. So today's the Handmaid's Tale theme, as you can tell. We're a little Red Riding Hood. We're a little late. This is showing about eight years ago, but it's never- But Annie just started watching. So she's finally caught up. I have no clue what's happening. I don't know how to even talk about it.

Wait, what season are you on? I have three or four. I don't know. It just, this happens to me every time I try to watch it. I start watching it. My ADD drifts off. I come back. I go, what's going on?

So are we going to have like a Game of Thrones themed one? Like any time? No, we can't. I've never seen it. That's what I'm saying. When you finally catch up. Yeah, I don't, I don't know if never seen it that's what i'm saying when you finally catch up yeah i don't i don't know if i can she's not for game of thrones i don't like it's violent mythical things like real like women being held down like real life you like real murder

who would you who would you have been um in handid's World? I probably would have been someone that followed the rules. Serena Joy? Oh, you bitch. Yeah, you would have been the one that— You think I had any chance of being Serena Joy? You would have been— You would be her. You're blonde.

No, no, no. You would be the chick that ended up getting the gun and then she got shot to death. Thank you. Why? I don't even know who that is. You would be the one that followed all the rules, ratted everyone out, got everyone in trouble, and then she got shot to death? Thank you. Why? I don't even know who that is. You would be the one that followed all the rules, ratted everyone out, got everyone in trouble,

and then eventually snapped. No, I want to work. What's that place where all the like sexy sluts work? That's where I want to be too. That place seems fun. The flap. Where the commander and his friends go to? Yeah.

Yeah. It's definitely better than the. Annie is the one who made a mistake. I spoke up. I was bad. She got her eye gouged out because she tried to steal her baby back. That's off-warren, right? I tried to catch, yeah, I tried to catch the

stream. She's the prettiest one. So that's nice that you get to be the pretty one. When are you going to just admit that it was me who wanted to get tattooed on your arm? When is the, when's the, when's this joke up? But don't you think that's only fair to get annie on the other side i i think if i get another tattoo that it will be the end of me and dave like he's he also recently pointed out that all i have are words and like that that's kind of a weird ugly thing like there's no actual it's just sloppy words well Well, what would you get? An apple? Why? What would you get? To represent Eve, Adam and Eve. No, get a rib.

You are a rib, a little rib. A McRib, a short rib. A tiny little rib. Wait, are McRibs gone again? Look, McDonald's has been playing tricks on us for a long time. They come, they go. I can't keep up. It's like Skims.

They're always sold out. So they just do drops then, right? They do drops. Yeah. Well. I recently did see a TikTok of some guy reviewing the Filet-O-Fish. And he was like, this is actually really high quality cod. And like the Filet-O-Fish is like a really healthy option.

I love Filet-O-Fish. I do too. It's my favorite. I don't like the tartar sauce. It's so good. It's fish sticks. Can we bring up the nutritional value of cod? Because it just seems like a tilapia kind of fish to me.

I know, but then you think about like all the best Japanese restaurants. Like, is it, maybe what's Nobu? They're a famous thing. It's like a miso cod. Have you been there or were you just Googling it? I just seen it on Yelp. I have never been. Do you ever go on like Google Maps and pretend you're going in? Go on a little virtual date with yourself? And I put like filters on and give myself a top hat.

And they let you in? They go, oh, it's you. Wait, I would kill it. Oh, wow. I was really anti-metaverse in the beginning, but you're kind of giving it a good spin. Todd and I went to Japan together. In the metaverse? We just went on Google Maps and walked around the streets. That's the hottest story. It was really fun. It's a sweet date. Wait a second. Do they have any of the omega fatty acids in cod? Because you know tilapia doesn't. It doesn't? I didn't know that. Tilapia is like, I don't know why. I'm really sad that my people love it, but it's like trash fish. Wait, speaking of your people. Yes. Do you know who Eva Noblezada is?

Noblezada is. Oh, my God, yeah. I've been following her forever. She is a star. How did you know about her? Because she is a Broadway star. Lea Salonga was a Filipino Broadway star. Okay.

You know they all know each other. They are fans of each other. I know a few months ago you said no one one can entertain like filipinas but you were right even eva noblezada i she had a show at joe's pub after mine i stayed and watched her and i saw her in a haiti's town yeah she's half filipina half mexican so if you and carlos ever did consummate anytime now you could make one of her um but she's like i've been literally obsessively watching videos of her singing and i'm i'm in love like i love her and her boyfriend is really talented boyfriend um what's his name reeve carney yeah what is he he is also a star is he filipino no he's just so he's just a boring white guy but no i. I know. She is out of this world talented.

It's like I want her to be my mommy. Can you pull up a picture of her? Can I see what she looks like? Can you ask her to be my mommy? I can try. I think she was in a movie called Yellow Rose as well. Okay. You're so lucky you're short so you can play this little baby game.

When I met her, because I met her at Joe's Pub. A 35-year-old begging someone younger than her to be your mom. No, she's like 27. Oh, she's so cute. Sometimes when I do meet a Filipino person, I kind of always want to be like, hey. But you do have a lot of Filipino friends. Isn't Shay Filipino? Yeah.

No, I know. But, you know. Does she acknowledge being friends with you, Shay? Here's what I'll say. Have you been photographed together? Celebrities don't always text back. And I think that's healthy. How many texts do you send before you're like, all right?

I try to, you know, change it up. Maybe a text here and then maybe switch it to a DM. Do you wait for like a birthday or is it just a what's up? No, a birthday. No, it's a like, hey, do you want to, you know. When you were filming, did it feel like you guys were genuinely friends and then it sort of just like goes away? It's the thing with all like any show that I've, my experience, it's like we like, especially on Dollface, that foursome, we became literal best friends like for the whole time we were filming. some, we became literal best friends, like, for the whole time we were filming. And I guess, like,

maybe it's kind of like, you know, when you're at a party and everyone's drunk except for me, and then, like, the next morning no one remembers but me. Like, I was, like, kind of thought it would just, like, keep going. Well, or it's like, you know, when you work at a restaurant and, like, those are your best friends, you know, you're with them all the time. And then when you leave that job, you never talk to them again. It's the same thing. But they're all like invited to the same parties you're not invited to. So they continue on. It's like summer camp then. Exactly that. And I would totally, if I had been, you know, mature enough to go to a sleepaway camp and

not cry and need to be picked up, I'm sure that I would have formed like a bigger bond with everyone and then would have like held on too tight. Wait, what is sleep away camp? It's just sleepover camp. But how many days? Is it like full summer camp? Well, it depends. Like my camp was you could go two weeks or four weeks.

Did you wear sleep away camp? Yeah. Quaker camp. For how long? I went from when I was nine years old to 14. Did you hurt anybody? No. I didn't hurt anyone.

I got pissed though. Cause they had a, they had this thing called the pioneer and they would pick the counselor to basically pick their favorite campers. And then they would take them. The pioneer was like a canoeing and camping trip. So they would take you, you will go canoe and hike for four days or something and they could only take like 10 people and I remember getting really mad that they didn't pick the unpopular girls from the like it was their last year and they picked like popular girls from my tent and not like that had another year to go I remember I was always like the social justice warrior oh that's sweet I also stole all the candy I got um I learned how to pick a I remember I was always like the social justice warrior. That's sweet. I also stole all the candy I got. I learned how to pick a lot because I was getting to juvenile delinquent age.

It was like I was like Quaker camp. There was one overlap year where I was like a young criminal and still a Quaker child. And so I went to Quaker camp and I took a bobby pin and I found we weren't allowed to bring can't have candy on our own because of wild animals coming into the bunks when we were sleeping. So you could have – they had like candy night once every two weeks. And so I found the safe with all the candy and I picked it with a bobby pin and I stole the candy and I like Robin Hooded it out to everyone. That is cute. You were a Quaker criminal. I was a Quaker criminal.

that you were a Quaker criminal. I was a Quaker criminal. I once like for with my dance studio, we went to like a dude ranch where like a sleepover weekend and obviously moms came. That's why I was able to handle it. And everyone was going horseback riding. But there is one girl, this girl, I think her name was Kayla Mathis. She was like such a good dancer. And she had really severe asthma. So she couldn't do the horseback riding. And I was like, guys, I'll stay with her. I'm going to stay back with Kayla. It's all good. I have to study her and see how to fake asthma. This is going to come in handy in my future. I'll keep her company. Don't worry. But it's just because I was obviously so scared and didn't want to get on a horse. You on a horse is the funniest thing I could possibly think of. Have you ever ridden a horse, Esther?

I don't think so. Scary. Pony? Her little legs would be dangling. They wouldn't. A little Shetland? Wait, speaking of pony, Donut. Donut.

Okay, she's, sorry. Donut is here today And she's camera shy. I know The Handmaid's Tale is basically a fucking nightmare, right? Like everything about it feels nightmarish. But is there any upside at all to living in a society like that for us? Is there any, while you're watching the show, you're like, oh, I actually wouldn't mind that part. I have an upside. The women aren't allowed to read. I'm like,

that would be, let's just take it off the table. Even the playing field, baby. You know, the grocery stores looked really clean and organized. And people had to be kind of your friend and walk next to you.

Yeah, you had to have a friend. Or the fact that you were around a lot of girls all the time. That seems fun. That seems a little bit fun. But you had a whisper. I would not survive. I'm not much of a whisperer. No, you're not.

I don't take rules well. I'd be killed. I would have been hanging. Let's just say I would have been hanging from the wall pretty quick. not much of a whisperer. No. I don't take rules well. I'd be killed. I would have been hanging. Let's just say I would have been hanging from the wall pretty quick. But you're very fertile, so you would have been useful. They would have been banging me out left and right. I would have been banged the fuck out.

You would have been one of the wives. Serena Joy. Yeah. You do have Serena Joy energy. You know what? I'll take that. You'd be really. Also, I'm kind of a cuck, right?

So I'd low-key just be like jerking off while the s*** was happening. It is true, though, that the— Sorry. That going to the club was like so—like the club girls had the best life. They were like drinking and smoking and wearing like flappers dresses. Yeah. I mean, they were violently f***ed every night, but there was a fun side. By different guys. It wasn't the same guy all the time, at least.

And if they were high and drunk, like, you know. Wait, were they allowed to be drugged out? I think so. I'll tell you what, the worst role is a Martha. I cannot cook and clean for free. And the Marthas aren't f aren't fucking right. I mean, they're actually that's not the worst rule. I think any any rule where someone's being raped, I think is the worst. Sure. I mean, worse, I think than having to cook and

maybe not for you. They would have made you do it with these shoulders and, you know, my domestic skills. I would have been an absolute I would have been a Martha for sure. Okay. But also think about this, about being a handmaid. Like you and I have both been pregnant before for eight weeks and it's really hard like to go through that for someone else is that's horrifying. Don't you think? Yeah. And we'll get ready. Cause you will be surrogating mine. I'm placing. I'm placing two in each of you. I'm going to give you the halfie. Your baby would, like, be so mean to me on the inside. Oh, my God.

Oh, sweet. Did you know that if you get pregnant, the person who gets you pregnant, you, like, get their DNA in you forever and it can, like, change your – This girl was, like, after he got me pregnant, my hair became curly like his. Yeah. So the DNA fragments enter the bloodstream. You and Dave are going to have to be like using the CPAP. Back and forth. No, but it's not always a positive.

So what she was explaining was it's either a negative, a neutral, no effect or a positive effect. So for instance, like that girl, I think, I think we might've watched the same TikTok. She was explaining how like she suffers from a lot of like autoimmune stuff and her husband does not. Like he's just very hardy, like biologically hardy. And so when she, when she got pregnant with this baby, she started to kind of feel like her autoimmune disease was in remission a lot. And she started to feel like, oh, whoa, like, I wonder why that is.

But I think that's common with pregnancy. Yes. Like, because my friend who has MS told me that when you're pregnant, she's like, I don't even need to be on my MS drugs because my body like takes care, like your MS almost goes away while you're pregnant. my body like takes care, like your MS almost goes away while you're pregnant. Yeah. So that would be a bummer for you. You wouldn't get to have your MS excuse. I don't have MS. I've gotten a lot of testing to rule it out for now. I did do a really hard leg day. And I was like, listen, wait, a really, and Todd had to like, like skirt me around. Like he had to like help me walk around. It was that bad. And I was like where is this going and Todd had to like like skirt me around like he had to like

help me walk around it was that bad and I was like this does feel like he's like training to deal with if I got MS

this is gonna sound really morbid but one of my best friends she's really into quad play so where she pretends she's a quadriplegic oh my god of course

who isn't and so she you never did that you never just heavied. Oh my God, of course. Who isn't? And so she- You never did that? You never just heavied up? I've never thought of it. You never just heavied up? I'm definitely listening. You never just body weighted?

I'm definitely all ears, okay? Listen, but she goes a little too far, right? So she drools. She has to be like flipped on her side and you know, so she doesn't get the bed sores. She goes into full character for hours, you guys. Does she do it to you? No, to her husband.

I could see you having to take the role. Wait, what is her husband? Like, you can do this? Yeah, her husband works for Exxon Mobil. She can. You can do this. Of Dave is not allowed to act like this. Of Dave has tried.

Of Dave will be very single if of Dave tries to do that. Wait, of Todd, you think that, so you've heavied up? Oh, yeah. What are you talking about? You stiff up and then they have to carry you around. They have to dress you. You've never done that. You're never been like, dress me.

I've definitely done that. It's so fun. And you stiff up and they get mad at you. They do start to get really mad because they don't know that you're going to dress me I've definitely done that it's so fun you step up and they get mad at you they do start to get really mad because they don't know that you're gonna do the bit for that long you just see how long they get fucking pissed it does usually end up with me naked lying like this in my bed going like Todd you guys I don't think quad plays a real term don't even try to google it it's so up. A telecommunications quadruple is coming up. That's not quite what we're after.

Wait, but I can call her and ask her like what she does. Hang on a second. Who is this friend? It's just a friend of mine. We're going to have to bleep out her name. Okay. I think that's a good idea. Okay.

You're doing it now? I will say a man putting on socks for you is like, there's nothing better. Do you know how many boners you just gave out saying that? Do you know how many men would love to put your socks on for you? Line them up, boys. Line up. Should I sell feet pictures to pay for my wedding? Hey, I have a question for you.

Oh, you're on the pod, by the way. I should say that out loud. Can you describe to me quad play when you play a quadriplegic? Yeah. Quad. Oh, shit. She sounds so hot by there. She's like, quad.

I'm getting horny. Attraction disability. I have that.. Attraction to disability. I have that. What is it? Has I explained our friendship? Oh, God. She's not picking up anymore. She was down, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'll call back. Okay. Hi. Oh, yeah, don't say that number. Hi, you've reached my phone number and my full name. Oh, my goodness. Okay, not to bring up a movie from literally 10 years ago, but have you guys seen Shutter Island?

Yeah. A long time ago, yes. Okay. It's so good. I did not understand it the first time I saw it because I was a child. I was only 25. But when you realize, and this is spoilers, but like at the end that this is all an elaborate role play for him to pretend he's a detective, my first thought was like, that's like, if someone did that for me, like spent all that budget and like all the labor into like a role play to like

help me work out my mental illness. Like, is that what this show is? Like, that's so sweet. I don't know. There's no show. This has never aired. This has been a very long intervention for you. But like, sorry, can I just like have a moment to like redo this redo my hair? Yeah. Because I feel like this is... Our shirts are fucking cute. They are. I know. These are cute. Put this hat down.

Okay. Yeah, I quit fast. Sorry, guys. You what? You didn't even start with it on. Wait, we didn't even acknowledge our new shirt. Should we acknowledge? We finally have like sexy tank tops.

Wait, these are so cute. I know. We have Trash Tuesday tank tops that are probably available right now. Not yet. Well, they will be when this comes out. Will they? No one can say. Okay, well.

Maybe, maybe not. There's an intrigue about them. There's a mystique. We like to play hard to get. Yes, that's why for five years we haven't had any merge. Okay, here she is. Here she is. Sorry, I don't know why the call failed, but will you explain to us quad play?

Quad play, like when I pretend like I'm paralyzed? Yes. Okay. So basically it's a bedroom game born of boredom. So you just see how much he loves you and you start like pretending that you have no, you have no like response to any of his anything. And he just lay there and he kind of just like flap around like a dead fish and you wait for him to notice.

And then do you, but does he like flip you over? Like, are you drooling? Like, what's the vibe? I'm, I don't think I ever get to drooling, but usually I'll like cross, like I'll cross my eyes and I'll like, I'll let my hands just be like on the sides of my body. He doesn't ever, he's like not, um, he doesn't care enough to flip me over anymore. Okay. But once upon a time he did.

But does sex happen? Once upon, I don't think he ever did. I think he was just kind of like, okay, she's up, she's on her bullshit again. But does sex happen? I don't think he ever did. I think he was just kind of like, okay, she's up. She's on her bullshit again. Like my. But does sex happen? The sex would happen. Oh, okay.

Yeah. He just goes to completion, but he's just like, okay, having like, she's being silly and anxious. This is how she handles herself. And he's like, he's just like, no worries. He's like, it's fine. Like, do you, but I'm going to go ahead and finish my thing. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for explaining that. I'll call you later. Love you. You're a hero. Bye. No, it's fun to go very stiff. It's fun to be like this.

go very stiff it's fun to be like this so historically what I've done is mostly I do the same I heavy up but face down like ass up yeah because I don't want to see anyone's face wait did you guys see Bo is afraid yet no not yet okay there's a scene where I don't want to say who it is because it's actually so exciting it's actually the best just say who it is because it's actually so exciting. It's actually the best part of it. Wait, just say who it is because you said this last time. It's Parker Posey. Oh, okay. Who you've always wanted to see Parker Posey's tits, right? Like she's so incredible. I'm not against it, but I had never had that thought before.

Once you see him, you go, oh my God, this is like all I've ever wanted. Like I can't believe Ari Aster pulled this off and gave us our dreams. But she like, I don't want to get, this is like, it's really like the movie's so horrific that this is really the only really, the best part. But she's like, she dies like rigor, like having sex with him. So she's like rigor mortis, like in like fuck position. And this is what you, you love this so much.

It's the best. Now it's your new Nickelback. It's my new Nickelback, which by the way, I almost wore that, but Todd was wearing her Nickelback shirt today. Wait, I did forget that Nickelbacks has the song, not Nickelbacks, sorry. Nickelback has the song Rockstar. Yes, it's the best song.

And it is the best song. It's the number one song. But you know what sucked at the concert? Someone had won a contest, so this girl came up and sang it. I was like, she karaoke'd it. I was like, guys, we're here for Rockstar. They can't do that. We are here for Rockstar.

Maybe I can get them to come on our show it on our show. I'm in. I'm fully. This just lifts up and Nickelback's behind us. That's so perfect to be in our basement with Nickelback. Chad wanted nothing to do. The meet and greet was shocking how little attention I got. I couldn't believe it. Michael gave me everything, but they moved me on very fast. I don't know the names, but... Chad's the main guy. Okay. Who used to be married to Avril Lavigne. Whoa. Yeah.

That's a good used to be married to. Avril does not have a type. No, she sounds like me. Avril dates and marries. Look how beautiful Parker Posey is. I feel like you are into Asian men. Yeah, but I've dated the whole spectrum of anything. Height even. I've gone from 6'5 to 4'11. 4'11? Okay, so I literally have a chance. Literally. Yeah, but it's everyone.

I would love to see a picture with you and your 4'11. I know. Was that not Bobby? Bobby's 4'11, guys. He just wears those little lifters on his shoes. Yeah, Avril. Can we get a list of Avril's relationships? Yeah, she dated the guy from Sum 41. I think she married a couple of these guys. Yeah. Oh, Brody Jenner.

Brody Jenner, who I actually love Brody Jenner. I did a thing with him, and we had a fucking blast. What did you do with him? What's a thing? We did a thing. We did a, what do you call it him what's the thing we did like we did a thing we did a what do you call like testing pilot testing okay together it was so fun was he like cool yeah he was the best okay one brody jenner thing that i've always just personally like it's been an esther flag for me a beige flag um is i noticed that he was a really big Elvis fan and he was wearing some kind of like Elvis

like jewelry and that's his mom's ex-boyfriend and I'm kind of like isn't that weird who's his mom's ex-boyfriend Elvis his mom is Linda I forget her last name but she dated Elvis she was dating Elvis I think when he passed away. And she was like a big girlfriend for him post-Priscilla. And I'm like, that's crazy that your mom dated Elvis. It's like, wouldn't you be a little bit anti your mom's ex? But he's only the ex. He died. That's why he's the ex. They didn't break up. But shouldn't you, if you're, okay, shouldn't you hate all the men who fucked your mom besides your own dad? Not if they were nice to you.

I don't know. I think you shouldn't. His dad is Caitlyn Jenner. I think whatever dad he can get, he's probably very happy to have. And his two dads are Elvis and an Olympian. I think he's doing okay. Okay, not too bad. And Woman of the Year.

He literally has – his dads are the top type of dads you can have. I just personally, if your penis was my mom and you didn't make me, I don't want anything to do with you. What if your penis was in your mom and then you are woman of the year. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Look, get a break from yourself. Get a break from your friends. Esther was FaceTiming me last night.

I go, you know what, Esther? I think it's time to call BetterHelp. You FaceTimed me? Yes, but it was a longer one than I thought. I saw your lizards. Were they therapeutic? It actually made me a lot better. So I was like, I'm glad I'm not surrounded by lizards right now.

When BetterHelp isn't available, you can always FaceTime my lizards. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. But can I just say like sometimes I'm trying to fall asleep and the thoughts just like come alive. Like a circus. Yeah. And it's really hard and I do need a break from my thoughts. And I have found that talking to someone in talk therapy is kind of the only real way to achieve that. And I do love BetterHelp for that reason.

I also love BetterHelp because they have a journal feature where you can write down your thoughts in between your appointments. And then you can bring that up with your therapist the next time you see him. You know, you get to that point where you're just, you've called all your friends and they know and you get the straight to voicemail and you go, oh. No, and you don't want to be sharing that stuff with your friends anyway. They don't need to hear your- You need unbiased opinion.

Because I have it happen to me too. Like my friends will call me nonstop. And they call you at weird hours where it's like anxious hours. And you're like, no, no, no. No normal person is just calling you to tell you some good news at this hour. You know what you need to say to them? Get a break from your thoughts with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp,

H-E-L-P.com slash trash Tuesday. We've all used it. We all really love it and need it. So thank you, BetterHelp. You guys, I got my Quip starter kit and I got a water flosser. I'm like, oh, that's why I've had bad breath for 30 years. I mean, I honestly can't believe I didn't send this to you sooner. It's me either. Sit it next to you every day? It feels so, it's literally better than sex. Like the water just, it's so, it's like a water park in your mouth.

It's somehow as satisfying as drinking water. Annie, do not use it here. It works very well and it seriously will hurt. I'm not, it's not aimed at you. Can I attack Kalilah? She's a squirter. You guys, this water flosser hits all the right spots with gentle or deep clean pressure

at the touch of a button. No, but can I tell you, I've always wanted a water flosser, but they're so ugly. And Quip makes one, the Quip is like the apple of a button. No, but can I tell you, I've always wanted a water flosser, but they're so ugly. And Quip makes one. The Quip is like the apple of dental products. Like, look at how chic this is. The other ones you see, like, are so ugly and not okay. And also, I use my Quip toothbrush for travel or, like, I've always used mine. Like, if I'm working on set, I bring it and that's, like, my sexy girl toothbrush. TSA will think this is a sex product, but that's okay.

But that's what we want. That's what we want. And you can track and improve your brushing habits too with using the free Quip app. You can earn amazing rewards like free refills, products, Target gift cards, and more.

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too abrasive, but Quip will not let you do that. Like it's the perfect amount. Take care of your gums. And if you go to quip.com slash trash Tuesday right now, you get 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser. That's 20% off any electric toothbrush, mint and gum dispenser, water flosser at getquip.com slash trash Tuesday. Spell G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash Trash Tuesday. Quip, the good habits company. Open your mouth, Kalilah. Wait, what is this? Just open your mouth. It's the mint.

Oh, my God. I had a tooth. Wait, wait. So, you guys also, they have a built-in two-minute timer, so it pulses every 30 seconds to remind you, like, to switch sides. I'm telling you, I, like, Quip is changing my life. Like, Quip, will you take me home with you tonight? I love you so much. Actually, I'm taking you home take me home with you tonight? I love you so much.

Actually, I'm taking you home with me. Okay. Oh, I think she just shot it in my mouth. That's the mint dispenser. Do you want me to try again? This is not the one that fell on the floor. Is this a gum? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, I keep missing. I'm sorry. Hold on. Thank you, Annie. This is the coolest gum dispenser ever.

I've never had a gum dispenser, but I'll tell you. Actually, you know what? I have. The gum dispenser was the tape, the bubble tape. And this is way better. I'm a grown up now, okay? And it's so chic. Look at that.

I look like a vape. This is cute. They also have my favorite thing, which is the slim travel ready dispenser available in five colors, metal or plastic. It's a pack and it protects up to 10 pieces of gum or mint at a time and fits in just about any purse or pocket on the go. Like it's so much chicer to have your gum or mints in like a little mysterious dispenser as opposed to like, I don't know, when I just think of what's in my purse before this, it's not good.

Also, I have ADD. This is a thing, it sticks on your wall so you just have a place for your toothbrush. I am always like, where am I? I have 50 toothbrushes. I have 25 quips. I go out at night with like this. It's a slap bracelet.

You're just bleeding. Wait, I have a question for you guys and what if your vagina was in your mom it was it there's a penis in whitney cummings right now wherever she is there's a penis in her because she's not because she's fucking it's because she's having a son just to be clear it's so funny weird i know i weird that she's having a son. I know. I would not want a boy. I don't want a penis in me. I literally thought

I thought about this and I was like I was looking in the mirror and I was like would Esther be like a boy mom or a girl mom? Looking in the mirror. I was.

I was like gazing into my own soul. I was like I randomly was just thinking that. What about you? I feel like you would be a really good guy, mom. Yeah. But I've only ever dreamed of having girls. Me too. And then all my embryos are boys. Shit. Yeah. That's probably going to be my fate. I have this feeling that

because I want a girl so bad that I'll probably just have boys. One pro i will say that i've recently been thinking about is if you have a boy then like you know that's someone else's responsibility to teach it's for it's like there's a lot off your plate if it's a boy what if i'm the athletic one no my mom was like if bobby and i would have had a kid oh never mind yeah if bobby and i would have had a kid do you think that he would be the guy to teach he'd'd teach him all the video games. The video games. Yes, he would. Yeah. I, um, yeah. I think about it because the embryos were so expensive. It is good that they're boys because they can like make the money back for me easier. Wait, how much were they? In total, I think I paid over $30,000 for all that. Oh, my God.

But I don't know. I didn't. It was all in different increments and I blacked out. Yeah. I stopped. I was like, I'm not counting this anymore. Yeah. Because I had to do it or I would have died of anxiety.

No, I'm glad you did it. I'm really glad you did it. I would have died of anxiety. Like, I do fully think you're going to get pregnant naturally, but I'm just glad that you have it. By who? Get closer. Have a little penis in me. Okay. So I have a question for you guys. It's about this thing called the good boy text.

And basically like in your past, like after sleeping with a boy in order to see them again, do you require the good boy text, which is the next morning? Say for instance, like, what is your rule with, okay, I'm going to do this again with this guy. If he shows me this thing, is it a text before noon? Is it a text, um, you know, immediately? Like, what do you consider like courteous behavior? If there is no text the next day, don't ever, don't ever call me again. Like, that's absurd. Well, they didn't want to. I can speak for all of them.

They're relieved to hear this. Like, I can't imagine. I think that is the rudest thing to have, even if it's like. And it's, they're trying to play a game, but it's so, it really is just like, why if you spent the night with me, would you not the next day be like. Yeah. Like who raised you? It's like no manners, just on a baseline even like no fucking manners.

I, and cause I have, I'm so anxiously attached that it's like when people go into that gameplay, which is why the gameplay works because it like ignites your anxiously attached. Yeah. It's a slot machine. It's horrible. But I think girls have caught on. I think that we don't, we no longer respond well to a guy playing that game of being, I'm going to wait a little bit. See, like make her suffer a little bit, make her a little insecure. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I did have a guy once who we had like a really good night together. It was really fun. And then he like didn't call me

all day. And I was so surprised. Like I really was surprised because he was only in town for like a couple of weeks. I was just like, oh, that's so weird. And then he called me that afternoon. He's like, I went to the zoo and my phone died. And I was like, oh, thank God. Like it was like so nice. It was like a good. Well, the last guy that I hooked up with, I to even avoid all of that, like right after I slept with him and he left that morning, I basically said, if you don't text me, it will really hurt my feelings. Like if I don't get a text, like plan on never seeing me again. And he was like, of course, I'm going to text you. But I put it out there immediately. I think that's the way to go. Yeah. I'm like, dude, don't be rude. OK, of course I'm going to text you. But I put it out there immediately. I think that's the way to go. Yeah. I'm like, dude, don't be rude.

Okay. Like we just fucked. Please text me. Because if you think about it, if you're worried about seeming too clingy or anything, that's coming from an insecurity too. And that's also

not saying that to them is gameplay. Yeah. Like not saying, like wanting to seem like you're not, like if you want to see that person again,

that's the truth about it. You don't want to come on so strong. Obviously, you don't want to go, like, overboard because your feelings are fresh anyway, so you don't really know. But that's good. It's just to be like, yeah, call me. I told him. It's like, I'm sensitive about this stuff. Please call me.

Please text. Now, here's what I wonder because you said, like, oh, I feel like women have – we realize now that we don't play with games, whatever. I wonder, though, is that our age or is that everyone? Yeah. Because I think at a younger age, you're more likely to excuse bad behavior. Whereas now it's just like, you're off my roster. I don't have the time for this. But I have a single friend who's like, you know, in our age range. And she recently told me she, you know, had a great date with a guy. And on that date, he was like, I just want you to know, I'm not playing.

There's not going to be any games. Like, I'm not, there's none of that. And when she told me that, I was like, oh, my God, I love him. This is great. I just love that he set that out. And he didn't call. I know. No, I'm like, I literally had a guy say that and then played so many hard games with me. I know.

I do think it is generational, too. So it's like if they grew up with the game being the thing and the way to go. And it's all, everything in life is about whether guys got laid or not in high school. Right. It's all that. It's all like, were you popular in high school? Did you get pussy in high school? It's like every male comic

that's the ones out there like banging everyone is because they're like they are now in a position where they can I have so many guys so mad at women because they didn't like them when they were young and ugly I know my dad was talking about incels he's like there is like a problem with that I'm like yeah but there's this underlying you blaming women for that too yeah and then there's this other thing of like, you know, the high value woman where you're like also not supposed to be a slut anymore. So it's like, okay, how are we going to bang the angry, jizzed up incels and also be high value? Somebody, there's nothing, it's not working here. Do we want to stop the school shootings?

Or do we want like to wait till marriage? This is why we all want to live in The Handmaid's Tale. They figured a system out for us. Correct. In what's it called? I forgot the name of their town. The... What is it called?

This is the worst theme. Boston Once Upon a Time. I was trying to watch it last night. Todd wanted to watch Murder. Wait, I will say, though, in the scenes in Handmaid's Tale that got me the most was, like, when they would flash back in the first season and you'd see Boston and you'd, like, see the real American city and the slow changes. That shit, like, it's one thing, the fantasy world, where it's this crazy different, like,

whole different community. But when you see the slow changes, it's like. The Gilead. Gilead, yes. Thank you. I was just like, I would bawl my eyes out. Like, this is so scary. And how Canada wasn't for it.

Yeah. But they had to do diplomatic stuff with them a little bit. Like, it was, yeah. Which is so, that's like real politics stuff. Like, that's. You got to play with the bad guys. When all of a sudden all the women's bank accounts got shut down. Oh my God. Todd would be, Todd would be, Todd would be like, uh, our card isn't working. We went out to breakfast today. He was like, fork it up,

cough it up. I have, um, are you, how much does it matter to you if your partner makes more or less than you? He must make less. No, I'm just kidding. Esther? I don't know because when I was dating, I was so broke that like – You would have died if they made less money. But then again, I did date guys who made the same. I don't know. But they were ambitious. I think that's what it is for me, right? It's like effort. Yeah. The guys you dated had futures. They weren't going to like be broke you never know you really

never know i think that that's a dangerous game the whole like he's got potential is a dangerous game i think earning potential matters i do earning potential is different from other kinds of potential like i think he could there's a good guy underneath all of this potential is a dangerous game yeah okay true but if you look at someone and they're ambitious they're hungry hungry, they're talented, and you know, they're probably going to get somewhere. They're just not there yet. Then it's like, oh yeah. Like I can get behind that. Yeah. You can't have the guys, like I dated a guy who was like very reliant on me. He would, he kept saying he wanted to do comedy. Like it was so gross. I was a professional comedian and he was like, I, yeah, I want to do comedy. And he wouldn't

do it. And I'm like, all right, I'm already seeing the signs of someone that's never going to do the thing that they say they want to do. That's a thing I'm showing you in front of you that you can do. It was like, so I knew he was always going to struggle with money. He was never going to make money ever, no matter what he did. And then he used wanting to do comedy and not doing it as a way to not get a job that actually paid him good money. It was very weird. I don't know if that's relatable or too specific, but for me, I think that I'm very much okay. Dating someone who, um, doesn't make as much as me, as long as number one, there's effort. Number two, there's some earning potential, but also more

importantly like if we're out on a date like it doesn't matter what we're doing like I want you to pay um and that's I don't know what it is it's like super traditional or whatever but there's that just gesture of taking me out on a date's important for me but um I don't know I feel like I almost don't have that as much like I don I don't know why. I think because I probably am very used to like splitting and like just from the early days. I don't know. Like to me, there's something about dinner that's not that important to me. But what you were saying, it's like a person needs to have something going on that they're passionate about. And I understand what you guys are saying about earning potential. And yes, like, especially if you guys are young,

but I've seen like so often where when a guy is not really where he wants to be, he's not in my experience, like able to be a good partner. Yeah. I also, there's a fear of that resentment growing. Like for me, it's like, I'm okay if someone makes less than me as long as they're okay and they don't secretly feel emasculated. Yes. That is the worst. If they feel bad about it, you're like, oh my God. Yeah. Because if your masculinity hinges on your financial status and then now you feel less than me and now you're taking it out on me in ways that like I, you know. And that's so real.

And if it matters to you that much, go make more money. Exactly. Figure it out. Like get a, go make more money. Exactly. Figure it out. Like get a side hustle or do something. Right. If that is your number one value is like showing that you can provide and you have more money,

then you have to figure out how to do that. Correct. That's not on me to make less money. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I do feel like that's a very, this is like the plight of successful women.

Like I feel like it's talked about in society a lot where like they have so many less options because there's a lot of men that are intimidated by a woman who makes more than them and so like there it's just harder to there's a lot of people that don't care about that trust me no I agree and I think a confident secure man doesn't care yeah but I think there think there's, I think there's like, it's a good question. Cause it's like, it's, it is tricky. I don't know. Yeah. I think he would have to be very secure and, um, I don't know, like lead in other ways that aren't like financial, right? Like, cause that to me is like

attractive yeah but um i dated a guy who in when i was in my 20s who made a shit ton more money than me but he was the least generous person i had ever met in my life when they're making so much money and you're like can you just like and i'm like what are you doing I remember one time like I he was making let's suppose like on a day like twelve thousand dollars a day when we were like on the road when he was doing what he was doing or whatever but he would have a sleep no he would have a sleep there would be like a travel lodge right next to where we he was working on the road but he opted for his the back of the kitchen of his friend's restaurant where he had all these crisco boxes and that's where he we had a blow-up mattress there was no hot water this was in san francisco and we fucking slept there for like a whole week and we couldn't he couldn't

even spring for 60 a day at the travel lodge was like right there and i remember having to shower at the fucking 24-hour fitness in the marina was like right there. And I remember having to shower at the fucking 24 hour fitness in the marina. Was he a broke kid? No, he went to international school in Belgium. Like he was just like, so like really just tight with his shit.

And I remember breaking out in really bad eczema that week and being like, I got to go shower at the 24. He's like, just rub some Crisco. Come on. We got free Crisco right here. So, I mean to go shower at the 24 at the gym. He's like, just rub some Crisco. Come on, we got free Crisco right here. So I mean, like there are people like that. So it doesn't fucking matter.

And also- I think if you're like that though, because I know so many people, so many women that love like a deal, they love not spending a lot of money that would probably be attracted to someone that wants to do that too. That guy was just not for me. I just don't have that.

I like, I want people that like spend more than they have. I'm like, let's go crazy. Who gives a fuck? And then I dated a middle school math teacher who was the most generous guy on earth. Like he never let me pay for anything. And we made the same amount, but that's the kind of,

so I'm saying it doesn't really matter. Like someone could be filthy rich and just really tight with her shit, which is really unattractive. For a math teacher to not take the opportunity to split a check. But I agree with you. Like that he really liked you. Yeah. We were together for years. He could have flexed his division skills. Yeah. He's now a principal. So good for him. He moved on up. I love math. Do you like math class? Wait, were you good at math? Oh my God. I loved math. I have ADD. So I would always like, I had, it was like so hard to pay attention because

if you, you know, daydream for a second, you're like, wait, where are we? But I loved it. It was so fun. How far up did you go? I only went to Algebra 2 because I graduated early. Oh, Algebra 2 is all you need to graduate. I never got to, I wanted to do Calculus though. I always have like a weird dream that I'm going to somehow do Calculus.

I don't think I took Calculus either. I don't know why. I got caught cheating in college for Calc 2. You got caught cheating? Yeah. Oh my God. It was a slap on the wrist. I never went to a school where there was anyone monitoring whether you were cheating or not. Everyone was just like, just get through this. It's a miracle you're here. That's like the places I waited tables to were like always like, you don't have to memorize any specials. I always did very low maintenance, low expectation places. Oh, my God. I recently found my old Johnny Rockets dress.

I have two of them. So we should – oh, I guess we already did a waitress theme. But that waitress theme did not count. Funny how she thinks either of us could fit into your second hair. We have to keep them busted open in the back. You guys would fit. No zipsies. No zipsies.

My mom, we went on family vacation. Wait, did I say Johnny Rockets or did I say Johnny Rockets? It meant Hard Rock. Hard Rock Cafe. Oh, I didn't know you worked there too. Wait, what was the Hard Rock? What was the Hard Rock ensemble? A really cute black like mini dress.

Really? Yeah, like it's cute, guys like it's sexy with a collar yeah and like pins there's a big pin culture at hard rock cafe and i'm not i'm not proud to say that i did get sucked into it how long were you there oh you don't know i so it was the new one that was opening on hollywood boulevard and i worked the whole training process and i failed the test and i was demoted to guest and I never got to make it to opening day. They were like, you have to stay. And I was like, I have shows in La Jolla tonight. And they were like, but don't you have to buy the uniform? So you, I have them. Yeah. She bought two.

How many, is this one pin? No. How many pins can you get in training a lot you can get a lot okay but I had to disadvantage because I never drank alcohol so I could not memorize all these like alcoholic drinks I was like there's no I was like I'm gonna get by on personality and that was not really a strategy that worked it worked for me my entire life I've never memorized anything when I was a bartender I was like I just, I don't know how I had that job. I didn't know how to make any drink. I was just like, I don't know how I got through. And everyone loved me. I was just like. Blonde privilege. Wait, I have questions for you of Todd and of Dave. How do we feel about pet names?

Okay. The only pet name I don't like, I had a boyfriend who called me my pet. Wait, I like that one. Disgusting. And baby head. What? Baby head's kind of cute. But I was friends with him when he was like with his girlfriend before me and they were the same names. Oh.

I know, and they grossed me out when he said them to her or me. So he called you baby head? Baby head. And he called her baby head? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's not cool. I think I've got a no pet name policy. Yeah, you don't seem like a pet name kind of girl. That's not. So you've never called. What do you get called babe, hon? What's the? Sweetie. Just Esther? Hey you you. Hey, bro. Are we going back to bros again?

Bro. My bro. Yeah, I don't know. You don't get called babe? Yeah, what is it? Todd and I call each other Bo. Oh, yeah, I've heard you do that. Bo's so cute.

Is that just because Bo is afraid was your favorite movie? No, that's why we liked going to it. We were like, this is our... No, it's like he always calls me Bobice from American Idol, Bobice. Oh my God. So zero. So you call Dave, Dave,

and he calls you Esther. Yeah. And Donut, you have... You call Donut, Dodie. Donut has pet names. Like a million. A zillion pet names. When you hear other people use pet names,

does it bother you? Does it register? I don't think it registers, but i think if it did like i sort of take the stance from the seinfeld episode where like jerry is dating that girl and she calls him schmoopy it's like oh schmoopy's rough i like like being cute and stuff but i don't know about pet names i don't know do you did you and bobby have them but i haven't called him bobby in a decade i still don't he has a problem him and i are you don't know each other's names we don't

know each other's names and he still we still publicly use babe and sweetheart and it is it's been a problem it's hard to undo years and years of calling someone beau or babe or sweetheart or you being so endearing in that way sometimes I accidentally call my mom beau um I'll call my parents my love but it's cute yeah my love is one of my favorites so love is always I use love um but even when he texts us still it's like babe can you do this for me I call my husband a lot I call him my my husband. Oh, that's cute. Do you think you'll do the husband wife? You'll do it? What do you mean? Yeah, I do think I will because when I first got engaged, it was annoying that everyone was asking me. So I was like, yeah,

and it just feels so overwhelming to consider planning a fucking what are you talking about? And didn't I say this on the podcast before? It like I have a wedding every night every night a bunch of people come to celebrate me every single night I do that it's like fuck I gotta plan another one but um but then over uh summer over my vacation Todd couldn't come but my dad and I went over to Todd's parents' house and we were all hanging out. And I was like, oh, it is fun. Really? Yeah. You went to Todd's parents' house? Yeah, me and my dad drove to Jersey and just hung out with his parents.

That is so cute. And his mom cooked us pho. Now, was the only reason Todd couldn't go because he had to babysit the reptiles? No, honestly, I was thinking about the cock buck of these reptiles. They're starting to really piss me off because there's so many of them. There's three snakes. Oh, now we're at three. Todd got bit. I mean, he was like being so cocky. He's like my champagne boa. I don't know what kind it is. He's like, we'll never bite.

She's so cute. Literally 10 seconds later, bit him. Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, it's a boa. He doesn't care. Yeah. But so, okay, so three snakes. We did get the Pugnos. The Pugnos snake. Okay, go ahead. You did get the Pugnos snake. Yeah, three snakes, three geckos, five frogs. So cute. Any turtles coming through the pipeline?

Because Esther is begging for a turtle. I know. I want a turtle named Esther. Bester? Esther. Oh, Esther. A Bester Esther. This is my bestest estus um yeah what is it like you a turtle you are turtle like now that you're mentioning it

yeah but a turtle is forever right slow i could see you sluggish not not mentally slow and i could see tipping you on your back and you're not being able to get up. Struggling. I could see it kind of. Also having to, you know, tortoises need to be buried for like half the year to hibernate. Would you want to just be buried and to let be allowed to sleep for half the year? Yes. I've often talked about this fantasy I have where I wish people could like die for two weeks and come back. where I wish people could like die for two weeks and come back. Like think about how much you'd appreciate life if you were like in a coma or dead for two weeks and then you got to come back.

This weirdly reminded me of this, but this is not actually that related. I really want to go do one of those Vipassana silent retreats, which we all know it's going to be very difficult for me. You have no chance. You have no chance. But Jared Leto during, I don't know if I brought this up in here before but during the pandemic like i remember he did the he was on a silent retreat so when he came out everything was shut down so funny isn't that and he was like what's happening he didn't know what the fuck was going he was like a week late to everything this is like my favorite moment in in u.s history when james cameron it was at the bottom like of the Titanic like having him and um Bill Paxton had lunch on the Titanic like literally in a submarine on the bow of the

Titanic they come up and someone's like hey so someone just hit the twin towers um it's kind of a big deal and you like in this documentary you see them find out andowers. It's kind of a big deal. And you like in this documentary, you see them find out and it's kind of crazy. It's yeah. Yes, I just discovered a new ick. And I feel like it's a very unfair ick, but it's an ick nonetheless. So I recently watched a boy shower. Okay.

And when he arched his back to wash his butt. I know. We might need to upgrade, boy. What do you mean? Oh, man, man. You just stared right into my eye. Yeah, well, you're, I mean, you went like this. Sorry, there's a hole in my pants. Yeah, don't apologize.

So this is why I feel it's really unfair because how true, how else could a man really wash his butt in the shower but basically he did a tiny little quick arch back to wash his butt and i did not like bearing witness to it that's horrible i was like oh i i'm really troubled right now arch's butt really isn't it it's funny it's also when they eat you when they're going down on you and they're you see the yeah you see what when they're this up instead of down it's like please please you're like you're like please like tight core yeah i don't want the ass up if you're going down on me that is so that is i'm i will never unsee that i have never opened my eyes when someone's going down i'm always like covering my face like i know i need it like pitch black. Wait, I would, you're right. Watching a man shower

sounds horrible, but I'm telling you the back arch will undo all the love you've ever had. Oh my God. If that was an ick for me, Todd and I would be done. Todd, do you remember when I got like the tie up, the like ties? And I come in and Todd's tied himself up. I'm like, how are you the tied up one time? I just pushed him off the bed. He like clunked over. Wait, he thought the ties were for him. He was kidding, but it's like his jokes lean a little arched up. Chokes lean a little arched up. It is so hard when like if guys want the kind of treatment that you want. It's like if you.

I hooked up with a guy who wanted me to choke him. I was like, you want me to choke you? What happened to you? Me? I'm the girl. Yeah, we have to keep up the illusion. I'm the victim. What am I, Lorena Bobbitt? Like, what is going on here? There's like two of us. Amy Fisher? There's been two.

Pegged? No, but I recently, a friend of mine told me the funniest pegging story. So she- There's full arch with pegging, by the way. Yeah, it's full arch. So a friend of mine was briefly married to this guy, and she always had a thing. She has a thing for thrusting. I like when a pegging story starts with a very short marriage. A very short marriage. So she had always wanted, she likes thrusting. So she was like, I think I want to peg somebody. And so she broached a subject with her partner,

thinking he was going to be like, absolutely not. Oh my God. He was lubed up. He like did a popper. More than that. So she was like, Hey, like, would you be interested in like being pegged? And he was like, say less. And he had everything prepared. He had everything prepared, including the dildo itself, everything he had already. He like unearthed this treasure chest of all the things that he had used in the past because he liked being pegged. But so he got high on, I don't know what opiates one night, and she was pegging him in the living room. And he shit himself and like passed out. And she had to clean up after him she did not have to no she didn't have to but she did because he was just gone

i would just be like you know what you're gonna wake up and deal with this i'm going to the other room okay question should should men or should everyone get pegged? Should some of us in, you know, men or women or whoever you are, keep some of our sexual desires to ourselves? Like should he – Like not tell the audience? No. Like not tell all of America and Canada and Australia. No, absolutely not that.

But I'm like – I'm really just questioning in my head. I'm like should he have – is it good that he was honest? Or should he have been like, this is too risky. It's not worth it. But imagine just like, imagine the joy he must have felt being a guy who likes being pegged, but too maybe afraid to put her off. He manifested it. Yeah.

One day she's like, hey, you want to try this thing? And he's like, oh my God want to try this thing? And he's like, oh my God, that's my most favorite thing in the world. Like you wouldn't be able to say no to that. Okay. But okay. Counterpoint, like some people are and they're sexually attracted to children. Why does she always bring this up? So like, this is like the third time in two months. They should not act on that and they should keep that to themselves. So like, it's like, shouldn't. This is, like, the third time in two months. No, but I'm just saying, like, they should not act on that and they should keep that to themselves. Yes. Because it's illegal.

Can I just say something? All the hallucinogens I've done, okay, everything I do, it always comes down to, but what about. Wait, what do you mean? Every, like, life, like, where it's, like, everything I learn, all the work I do is, like, forgive, like, accept, love, like, don't judge. And then I'm, like, but what about the, you know? Well, that's fair. And I just want to tap out, but I can't. It's, like, ayahuasca.

I'm, like, I learn all these lessons. I go, oh, my God, we're all one. We're this loving vibration. And then I'm, like, Jared from Subway is? Like, I'm, like, I just don't. And it's like, that is like the exception where I am like, I don't. Forgive them. You know, on that kind of bad for them, I guess. I don't know. No, I'm with you on that. On that note, can we do a banana break?

Also, we have to bleep the word. Yeah, that is true. Just heads up. Yeah. I think you're, like, that's good. Like, you're allowed to feel that way. There's nothing wrong with what you just said. But it is like if someone came to me and was like, I have to tell you a secret.

I like, I would be like, get away from me. Are we eating imaginary bananas on this break? Oh, okay. Okay. Well, we don't really eat them for real anyways. I do. She does every time. I was really banging on my bananas.

Do you want some of my one bar? Do you want half of a one bar? No, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm going to eat after this. She really does eat her banana every time. I think that's actually why we get viewers. She will eat it every week.

She'll eat the whole thing. Every week. It's my most. I like the banana break graphic. But I will say what you just said, I'll point out, is you said you do feel bad for them. Or I don't. Or I don't. Or I actually don't.

I don't know. I don't know. Okay. It's like too hard I don't know. Okay. It's, like, too hard. It's, like, a puzzle. Yeah. I also think that, yeah, that makes sense. It's, like, a puzzle.

Yeah. But there's, like, I was talking to this woman that was doing, she did, like, body work, like, Reiki-type stuff on me. And she was saying she's like a lot of men come to her who have the urges, but they don't. Their whole life is about not ever being around kids and making sure that they're like whatever they can do to not act on it. So she's like there's a difference between that and the people that go act on it. Yes, agree. So how do you feel about hearing about those people? You're like, yeah, you want to cut your balls off? You want to go live in the woods?

Like that's nice. about those people. Yeah, you want to cut your balls off. You want to go live in the woods. That's nice. I think that if you do have that urge, you do need to sound the alarm on yourself. I do think it's something you should, I mean, how do you outwardly say like, hey, I have an attraction to this, you know, that child. It's so fucked up.

That's scary. That's scary. But like the honorable thing would be to say hey i i thought something is fucking wrong with me get some accountability going yeah like can someone help me because i know this is wrong i know this is fucked up can someone help me right yeah because i think repressing it and not saying it out loud maybe makes it even a bigger thing in your body yeah Yeah. And it might. Well, it's bad.

It's like with food. And you're like, ooh, that's a bad food. It's so bad. Yeah. But like literally every time I'm like, I'm not having any sweets. By three o'clock that day. Golly gosh. You're stuffed to the gill.

Three pints of ice cream. Like I just go crazy. She's just a little pumpkin filled with candy on Halloween. Memories. I'm going to shove candy in your mouth. Thank you. Until you cum. What do you think of this? If an ex reaches back out or if an ex reaches out to you, is it always sus or can it ever be a genuine check-in?

Oh my God. I think it's always like weird and not. Sus? Yeah. Oh, my God. I think it's always, like, weird and not. Sus? Yeah. How long? Okay, I've lived in a lot of small towns. So in small towns, there's different.

That sounds like the first sentence of a book. Actually, the truth is I've lived in one small town, and then I've gone to small schools. And you are forced to be, to have different relationships with people, even if you dated them. Like, you kind of, like, have to be to have different relationships with people even if you dated them like you kind of like have to be friends because everyone there's five people there do you know what I mean? and like all of your friends and your friends bang your ex boyfriend you can't have the same rules where it's like this is my guy

you have to be like alright you can bang my ex boyfriend Sam Hunt song but I will say I'm going to New Mexico and I was like, oh, should I go say hi to my ex? And then I was like, I guess not. Oh, I think you should. I think, I mean.

Like go meet his kids and stuff. Life experience. If you guys are already genuinely friends, then it's not sus. If you've maintained a friendship after the breakup, then it's not sus, right? But if it's a random, like, I think it can be genuine in that, like, you know, for instance, the fires in Maui. Like, I had to check in with an ex. I felt like that was a genuine check-in.

I felt like I had to check in with him. Thank you. But I didn't. But I was thinking about you, bud. But I was like, oh, my God. Like, I hope he's okay. Was he on that side of the island? No, he wasn't.

But I think. You're right. There's right times to do it. Like if an ex's parent passed away, I think that's like a really relevant time. I don't want to fucking talk to you. Are they like, maybe I don't want to dredge this up either. I also think like I feel really good when I resist the urge to talk to an ex or like my like high school friend that we had all this drama and stuff she has this really successful um restaurant and when I was home I was like I had this urge to like

go to the restaurant and be like you know like see like be like oh I'm proud or whatever and then I'm like not doing that felt really good. Because I always have to stop and ask myself like when I feel that urge to be like, oh, I just want to say hi. I'm like, do I want to say hi? Or do I want a specific kind of attention that I know he usually gives me? So like most of the time, the answer is the latter. And I have to in that moment be like okay shit like I shouldn't do that if the answer is oh I genuinely want to know like if he's okay or if he's whatever if his mom has just passed or whatever yeah how's your family if but yes there's a difference but if a guy okay we're talking about us reaching out to our exes but what about when they reach out to us like out of the blue random is it always oh my god I had an ex that's been hitting me up.

It just depends because I have slept with him several times since we broke up. We dated when we were like in our early 20s. And the last time I hooked up with him, I was like, I'm never going back to this again. I'm done. But it's like he wasn't done. But he still thinks that door is open? And I just will never respond to him ever again. Right. I mean, it's pretty obvious you're in a long-term relationship at this point I think

that makes sense yeah but I also don't trust guys like with when when they hit me up out of the blue I'm like the reason that I usually leave them on red or don't respond it's because I don't trust them with the little I give them where it's like if I give them an inch they'll take a mile they'll be like oh yeah I don't even want them to think that they can ever have me again so if I give them just a little bit I know they'll go home thinking yeah I could still hit that and I don't want that it's like you can't you really can't you never will and um I think that's smart I always forget that guys think like just because you acknowledge them that then that makes them think that you won't, you'll have sex with them.

Yeah. It's so annoying. Todd said to me once, he was like, every open miker in Los Angeles thinks they can have sex with you. I was like, no. And he goes, they do. And I'm like, it makes me so mad. I'm like, Todd, don't bring any of your old open miker friends near me ever.

Now, okay. You said that you, you're going to go to Santa Fe and you might reconnect with an ex. But I don't think I will because I'm like, I don't really like, if I run into people, I run into them. It's like, I don't even know what the friend group is going on. I lived in Santa Fe for seven years. So I went through like a lot of different lives there and a lot of different people move and then your friend group just completely changes. So I don't know who's still connected, who even lives there. It's like I've just hit up like two or three friends.

But I do kind of want to rent a scooter and scoot around like I used to. I think 100% you should do that. Just go see what's up. I'm telling you. I have a question for you both. When you both got engaged, similar to maybe how I felt in the pandemic, did you feel the need to kind of like, I don't know, take stock of your life up until that point?

Like, be like, wait, and maybe go full Ito Mama Tambien and just kind of. What happened to that? Have you seen that movie? No. Well. There was a gangbang. There's a gangbang. Uncircumcised penises.

It was really like by the poolside. It was great. I think because literally the second I locked eyes with Dave, I wanted him to propose to me. Like there was no like once it happened, there was no like thinking. Poor Dave. He felt it. He was like, oh, no. Like there was it was just like, OK, like there was no looking back for me at all because I wanted it so badly.

I just. Yeah. looking back for me at all because I wanted it so badly I just yeah I feel like I would have a moment of being like oh fuck like I kind of want to you know take a walk down memory lane no I definitely had like a week of like it was like a week of just – I think I talked about it in one of the episodes. Like just of like thinking about every guy I had seriously cared about. I went through all of them. But I don't have it now. I did not have this at all. Because it's like basically taking inventory of everything and everyone you've been with up until the point of finally finding your person.

Like I think I'm similar to you where it's like, how did I get here? What just happened? And then you kind of retrace the last 10 years of your life or the last 15. Did you feel that way? I was just thinking, I was like, oh, that's like, it was just interesting because I'm like, okay, this is where I've landed. This is like what I want. I'm happy in this, in this storyline. But I definitely, played out some of that. I was like, oh, that's, like, so interesting. Because it is, like, there were – I didn't have that many boyfriends where I was, like, saw, like, them as, like, my person

or thought maybe they could be. There were a lot of, like, filler boyfriends, but there were, like, two. I like that term. I mean, just where I'm like, well, how am I still here? You know what I was thinking, too? Turning 40, I was thinking back, and I'm so happy that I have, just where I'm like, well, how am I still here? And you know what I was thinking too? Turning 40, I was thinking back and I'm so happy that I have like my partner and my person and I just feel really good with where I'm at. But I was thinking like there are a lot of insecurities that have come with my birthday.

And I'm like, if like if I was single right now, I would be so fucking pissed at the two boyfriends I had before Todd for wasting my motherfucking reproductive years like I would be so mad at them because they just weren't they wouldn't they would take my time but they wouldn't give it to me I relate to that I will admit that a big part of I had a fear I This is you're just making this come up for me. But like with Dave, I had that fear. I was like, if this doesn't work out, like these are my best years. I tell Bobby that all the time.

He wasted my firm skin years. He squandered my firm skin years. I mean, we broke up when I was what, like 36? Fuck. But at least you spent all those firm skin years on camera. So that's good. You did capture that. Also, I really have been looking at before and after microneedling.

We've got to do microneedling. Really? Yeah, I think we do. I want to do it so bad. Yeah. One thing I will say, though, that I do relate to this conversation is that when I was pregnant two years ago for eight weeks, I, that's when I like took that inventory of like, what have I done with my life? What have I not done? And that's like when that hit me. And it really was though, in more context of like

accomplishments and like dreams pursued. Like, so that's, that, it gets real there for me. That's exactly it. Like whether it's a pregnancy or an engagement or a death, like it really forces you to- You got engaged kind of young, I think. So maybe that's why the pregnancy was the time when you started thinking those things. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Cause it was like, you could still be engaged and then be a Broadway star. Yeah. You know what I mean? I love how you know

that's the thing that I was upset about. Well, because you went to, I know all about your little New York, becoming alive in New York. It's so funny. I literally am like so sad.

Lately, I'm so sad I'm not a Broadway star. I just can't, you didn't watch Felicity? No. I loved Felicity. Felicity is why I moved to New York. Were you Ben or were you?

Ben! Ben. Ben, right? Thank you. Are you kidding? What's going on? Oh my God. Scott Speedman is like.

Is dreamy. I die. I die around him. You never watched Felicity. No. Why is this coming up in context of Broadway? Because I moved to New York because I watched a little girl live her dreams in a show. What was her dreams?

And you didn't – she like went to NYU and she – oh, my fucking God. And here's the thing. He looks like my neighbor who was like my first crush, you know, my big crush. And, yeah. And Noel was kind of nerdier and sweet. He was nothing. He was nothing. Compared to Ben, correct.

He was a loser. Ben was everything. And Ben was all distant, didn't know if he liked her. He's like, oh. He lives with my neighbor. He looks exactly like him. This is unrelated, but sort of related. Keri Russell, the first time I ever saw her, was in a Bon Jovi music video that really had me transfixed as a nine-year-old.

I will say that Hollywood, though, too, has the same thing. So you came to Hollywood with, like, pursuing the dream, too. It's the same thing, New York and L.A. It's the same vibe, I think. The other day I was saying to Dave, like, oh, I should have moved to New York and, like, pursued my real dreams. And he's like, don't you think it kind of was probably for the best that you moved to L.A.? You could have just, like, a wind could have blown you, but it just fallen in front of the train. I feel like that was his way of saying like you don't have you wouldn't know you weren't going to make it on Broadway.

Or at least once he said that, I was like, he's probably right. Yeah. No, you'll anything. Doesn't he kind of look like him? How are we on time? Doesn't he look like him? Isn't he ask? We have like five minutes. Yeah. Kalilah, doesn't he a little bit look like him? Yeah. Oh, cute. Doesn't of look like him how are we on doesn't he look like him five minutes yeah

doesn't he a little bit look like him yeah oh he's cute yeah have you all ever grieved a dream all day my whole life is grieving like lovers and love stories that take place in my dream land. I've had my heart broken so many times. Like I can't shake off most of my dreams. Well, last night's dream, it was really weird. I dreamt I had a tiny puppy that would cool off in my fish tank and just jump into the fish tank. Oh, now I'm grieving your dream. I know. He would just jump in the fish tank and kind of like wash off and then hop off. But he was friends with a fish. I don't know. I don't know. I woke up and I wrote it down. I'm like, what a great dream. But a lot of times, like I've fallen in love with an unnamed, like this person, this random person in my dream. So freaking hard. That's every internet date.

Every internet date I go on. I'm like, you're not what I made up. And then I wake up and this person's not real and it takes me like a whole week to shake off. Well, Kalilah, I'm sad to say this after you. I literally wake up every morning like my life is better than my dreams. Not to say it after you just said a sad one. Wow. You don't have that? No. wow you don't have that no I well grieving a dream like a dream that you wish to pursue like oh that kind of dream no no open for interpretation yeah I do feel this panic in me that's like I'm

35 and like I can't really be a professional dancer wait for you to turn 40 turning 40 it's like I am desperate for all you bitches to turn 40 I'm like oh 35 is hard but for a dancer bitch it's 35 hard for a fucking bitch go on tiktok bitch what are you talking about you are a professional dancer thank you that's the nicest thing you ever said like well you were gonna go what you wanted the eating disorder and the fucked up toes. Like what is, what part are you missing? The bun? I just like want to be in a Broadway chorus. You can be on Broadway. Thank you for saying that. You could be SpongeBob too. You could be banging Ariana Grande right now. I, and then in terms of like a dream that you, when you're sleeping, I mean, my recurring

dream that it's the last day of high school, like it just kills me. I like, there's something about that where I'm like, every time I wake up, I'm like, no, I want to go, like, I want to do it. I want to go back. Oh my God. I'm like in a cop car. Yeah. Like the last day of school, Oh, my God. I'm like in a cop car. Yeah. Like the last day of school, I was like, I'm out of here, bitches. Cuff me.

Cuff me. Gosh, what a different experience we had. Like I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. Oh, my God. High school. So rough and painful for me. No, it is. It is very different.

But I do remember like being excited for it to be over because you're like, whoa. There's a lot of fun stuff. Now I am free. Like I can – What was your graduation song? Was it the Vitamin C song? I don't know. I don't remember. Was it Green Day?

Oh, Green Day. Didn't mean much to me. I was like – I hate – I was – as a performer – My graduation song was I fought the law and the law wasn't no there's a graduation song they were like please leave you just took us to court please leave ma'am but I do think we graduated at Northwestern on the campus there and there which is like near a really good hot dog place so that's what I was thinking about that day was hot dogs yeah sorry you're not from chicago okay santa fe had a chicago dog

we teach i think what was really sweet was for me after graduation the most impactful person in my life outside of my stepdad and my english teacher who would like drop me off because i was really struggling with my mental health like my senior year and my junior year. And I kept being locked up in a psych hospital. And so what they were like, these amazing people were like, okay, we know she's smart. She's came here from the Philippines. She once had, she was maintaining 4.0s and then she just kind of fell off. She's going through a crisis. Let's just help her out. So my, who's now my stepdad, my history teacher would, um, drop me off after school, straight home. My English teacher would pick me up to take me to school. And, um, they worked very closely with the school therapist who showed up at my graduation

with his wife. And he gave me this, like, it was super emotional because I was never, I was probably never going to see him again. Cause he was like school we got so sweet yeah what did he give you he gave me this little like sketchbook because he knew like I like to write poems yeah stuff um but high school was so rough but I gotta say like adults towards the end like really showed up for me and um I I get emotional thinking about it because I'm like, oh, fuck. Like, I don't know. It's just sometimes they do. You know, there are great teachers out there who are going to go outside of like the norm.

That's probably inappropriate to like pick a high school girl up and take her to school. But they're like, no, she's fucking struggling. She's not going to graduate if we don't help her. That makes me so happy for you. And you're my stepdad now. Raj. That is so cute. Oh my God. That's actually amazing.

Yeah. We have to wrap it up. Wait, before we do, I have such an important question I've been dying to ask you, Annie. Why am I so pretty? Have you had, and do you know about, and can you tell us about Philly ice water ice cream? Water ice? Water ice. Yeah, it's like Italian ice. What is cream? Water ice? Water ice. Yeah, it's like Italian ice.

What is it? Water ice. How do you say it? It's water ice. I say water. What is it? It's like an icy, like an Italian ice.

But it's like soft. It's really good. Yeah, Rita's. We'll go to Rita's. Is it like a snow cone? It's something that I've never seen. I'll bring you Rita's tomorrow. I'll bring you Rita's we don't is it like a snow cone I'll bring you Rita's it's something that I've never seen I'll bring you Rita's tomorrow

I'll bring you Rita's tomorrow it's like special but in pla is it yeah it's the best it's the best you can get the best

it's called happy ice that's what I've been looking at on TikTok it looks insane it's so good yeah no it's the best this was like our whole life

like we just had this every day yeah we don't know about this but we had we would go to this place called Transilies on the way to my Quaker school and we would get water ice and there's like a million different flavors and we would get cheese pretzels. It was just soft pretzels and they would put them in a toaster with cheese. Literally the best food I've ever had in my life. Like number one food.

Oh, soft pretzels. But I'll bring you guys water ice next week. Okay. I'll bring you water. And I'll just get Rita's for you. But I will say this. Okay. I will say this about the dream thing.

I do not ever. This is my greatest life I could ever imagine. I'm so happy with it. I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm so. The fact that I had a dream to be a comedian and that I figured it out and I do it professionally is like unbelievable. And I'm excited to see how much more I can do with it.

But sometimes I let my brain go to what if I had just like married my Santa Fe boyfriend, lived a regular life, had kids, lived in Santa Fe, grew my mustache out, was like a yoga teacher. And it never feels better. It never in the dream feels better. It never in the dream feels better. The way I see it is like ever would be maybe easier. But because, you know, Bobby used to always say, no, this is fate. This is fate. And I don't believe in fate. I don't

believe in destiny. That is very confining to me, the thought of it. But I think about like Esther, to me the thought of it. But I think about like, any which way that my life could have gone would have been okay. Like if I had ended up living in Europe or if my dad hadn't died, whatever, which way, or if I met a completely different set of people, if I never did this, it would have been okay. And just as important and just as great and just as worth living for. I feel like every sliding doors movie is like, that's the end of it is right. Like it would have been good. It's fine. Yeah.

Whichever way is fine. You wouldn't have known any other way anyways, you know. But this is the best life. But this is a pretty cool one. Traveling and doing comedy and having podcasts rules. All right. I think we have to wrap it up. Yeah.

Esther, final thoughts. Final thoughts are I love our new tank tops. Yes. So cute. And hopefully there's a link below telling you what to do and if not just wait bitches because we're just little handmaids and we don't know how to do anything we need you commander um thank you guys so much for being here with us today we love you we love each other and we will see you next week with a brand new episode love one another i am am Julie Chan-Mundez.

Bye, guys. Guys, are you watching Big Brother? No, should I? Yes, it's the best season.