Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Looking for Holes in the Fence of Life w/ Rachel Bloom

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

Things are getting DEEP AF this week on Trash Tuesday w/ the brilliant Rachel Bloom, Auntie Jenna & the wee babe, Jules. What didn’t we talk about in today's episode? Topics include: Generalizing men, Anti Depressant stigma, periods, hormones, dog love, mental health, rats, bees & intrusive thoughts. That’s right sluggies → we may be a Patreon podcast now but we’ll always find a way to bring it back to vermin, anxiety & our periods. Join our Patreon! We wanted to make this a place to share all the things we can’t share on the main show. We will be donating all proceeds from the Patreon to help those affected by the wildfires in Altadena. https://patreon.com/TrashTuesdayPodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink Khalyla has been a long-time resident of Altadena—one of the many communities that has been devastated by the recent fires in Los Angeles. 7,000 structures have been burned down in Altadena so far. Khalyla and her sister Khawinda's homes were miraculously spared, but their neighbors have lost everything. All funds will be going directly to the families of Leon, Joyce, Jose, Jarvis, Hector, Sophia, Jack, Liliana, Raul, Murica, Quinn, and Pete. Our hearts go out to all affected by the wildfires in Los Angeles. If you would like to Donate additional funds and learn more about the people affected please visit Khalyla's GoFundMe https://www.gofundme.com/f/rebuild-and-restore-support-pentagon-and-glenrose?attribution_id=sl:48df2628-a0e2-4f82-ad49-19718cd5409e&utm_campaign=man_sharesheet_dash&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link  Thank You To Our Sponsor(s): Ibotta: Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code TRASHTUESDAY when you register. Visit: https://ibotta.com/ DraftKings Sportsbook: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code TRASH. That’s code TRASH for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly, when you bet just five bucks. Go See Esther Live!! SAVE the DATE: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ Esther's Solo Pod: https://esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com/ Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop: https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ More Rachel! Rachel’s Special on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81746515  IG: https://www.instagram.com/racheldoesstuff/?hl=en Chapters: 00:00 We’re a Patreon Podcast Now 02:00 Rachel’s Here! 06:00 Friggen Hormones 19:58 Rachel’s Special & All the Bad Things 28:00 Life is Hard & That’s OK 37:00 Jewish Imposter Syndrome 45:40 Jules Weighs in on Her Intrusive Thoughts 01:00:00 Pleasing All the People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- More Rudy Jules: IG: https://www.instagram.com/rudyjuless/ Bad Friends Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@BadFriends Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@TigerBelly More Jenna Jiménez: IG: https://www.instagram.com/jennajewmenez/  Jenna’s Co. Bytiajenna https://www.bytiajenna.com FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER:  Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster MORE KHALYLA:  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk PRODUCTION: Production Team: Tiny Legends, LLC: https://www.instagram.com/tinylegends.prod/ Stella Young https://www.instagram.com/estellayoung/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Ariel Moreno: https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Edited By: Case Blackwell: https://www.instagram.com/caseblackwell/

Hi slugs, so a lot is going on over here. This week's episode was obviously pre-recorded, so bear that in mind, but do enjoy it. That being said, Kalyla, Jenna, and I got together and we just recorded an update of what's going on with us and like a fresh new episode that we're using to launch our patreon right now and all of the proceeds will go to wildfire relief funds because things are crazy and as you will see in the patreon episode that we release things are crazy and we just want to send so much love out there to Anis Slugs everyone out there who is affected at all of LA and we're thinking of you and

we're currently safe and we hope that you are too and we love you guys and the patreon info is below and remember that all the proceeds from that will be going to wildfire relief fund which Kalyla is gonna pick the one because she knows way more about what's going on right now which you'll see why and so I can't name the exact one because I don't know because I'm stupid. But we love you guys. Stay safe. And thank you for your support of our show and of the world.

Hi, slugs. There's my camera. Welcome back. We've got Rachel Bloom here today and filling in for Auti-Kalai. Auti-Kalai. Jules and Jenna, the Double J's. Rachel. Hi. Hi. It's been like, have I seen you since COVID? I don't even know. Sorry to say the C word. I know that's like so lame.

Oh, is that a thing? I don't know. I mean, I just put out a special that's all about COVID. It's so good. I hope it's not like, everyone wants to forget it. It's not lame. It's just lame because Esther said it. I saw it.

Did you come to any of the reboot stuff? Oh yeah, that's right. We were on a show together. Reboot. Oh, you were literally on reboot. And then did you come to any of the events? No, I definitely didn't do that. Okay.

I have a weird, like, I implemented a weird no event policy at one point, like, four years ago. Love it. But it's, then now I'm realizing that's like, actually like, just makes you a shitty person. Like, then you're, but not only like to the outside world, but to yourself, because then like, you're just at home all the time,

that's not good for anybody. I think it depends what your goal is. I mean, I think I... Wait, I just asked you this because I'm not sure if I'm making it up or not. Did you get a breast reduction? Yes. Okay. We're on a text chain together.

We're on a pretty active text chain, but it's with 15 other people. I get really overwhelmed by every text chain on my phone. I think that you are more of a lurker on the text chain, which we've discussed, which is fine. Yes. Do you read it or do you just, or is it too much? Here and there, I'll check in, I'll stop by.

Sure. I'll give you a rundown after this of what's going on in everyone's lives. That would be great. It's with a lot of the cast of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. That would be great. But the reason I ask is because you were adjusting your mic and your boobs were in the way.

My tits got in the way, yeah. And I was like, that can't be happening if she got a breast reduction, so maybe I'm making it up. No, you're not. When I got pregnant, and especially after I gave birth, and I don't know if this was because of breastfeeding or just body changes, I've always had very, I've been through a whole hormone journey

also the past year that I'm happy to talk about. I'm gonna need to have everything. I will tell you, I will tell you, I'm, I love talking about this. Um, so I've always had really like sensitive, like my breasts have always been really sensitive to any hormonal changes going on. I have something where like,

basically the second I went on birth control, I went from like a C to a double D because I have very low, naturally low estrogen. So they're very sensitive. Anyway, I got pregnant, started breastfeeding. I went from where I was at, which is like a triple D to like a G and also like a low G. And I have no waist, like my waist ends here.

So my boobs were down to my belly button. And so after I stopped breastfeeding, I was like, I can't live like this. This is not the way, I had to sleep with a pillow in between them because they'd slap against each other like a man's sweaty balls, I guess is what is what guy is what guys go through sometimes where their balls stick together. Maybe I don't know. Yeah, that's why you see them doing this thing all the time. Yeah,

that's why they're always going. Yeah, I wouldn't. I'm a virgin, so I wouldn't. So I got a reduction. I went to this great place where they were like, So I got a reduction. I went to this great place where they were like Where do you want to go and I was like just put me back to where I was Cuz you're like you're the face of heavy boobs in the face of heavy I was like I was like I have big tits like that's So they did to their credit put me back exactly where I was which was like I want to say like double D so it was a reduction but also like a lift because what I mean, I don't know if you've experienced this, but after you're pregnant and breast

and your breastfeed, all of the kind of buoyancy in your breast goes away and it turns into like thin where once was jello is now just pure water balloon. But like saggy water balloon. And that's just what happens. And because it was a G and low on me, I was like, I can't live like this. So anyway, they put me back to where I was. And then I've been, I'm on like a hormone patch now,

because I finally, I was having a lot of problems with like having to pee all the time, which is actually related to my low estrogen. I was gonna say. So I went on a hormone patch, which has been wonderful. Tell us. But it made my boobs swell. Oh.

So now I'm back to being a triple D and I'm like, I could have gone down, I could have over adjusted and gone down to like a big C or even just a single D. But I was like, it was like, put me back to where I was. And I think it was also symbolic of like, this is July, 2021, where it was like, it was like, put me back to where I was. And I think it was also symbolic of like, this is July, 2021, where it's like, put me back to where I was two years ago

in so many ways, right? I relate to that. Let's rewind COVID, let's rewind all these things. Cause I was happy with my boobs. And I wish I'd gone a little bit smaller. Maybe someday I'll get another reduction, but like, it's not that big a deal, but they still get in the way.

The thought, that thought of just like, put me back to where I was when blank is like, so painful to hear because it's just, I'm like, yes, there's so many things coming up for me. Wait, also you have the opposite problem as Rachel. Yeah. We went to college together and she was like a double D to the point where we'd be sitting in class and we'd be like, can I just see them?

Like they're so cool. She would ask to see them, nothing. I mean, I have like ribs. She went flat chested on me. Whoa, what do you think that is? Now I just have to be her friend. I know what it is. What is it?

I mean, we can also talk about it. She still has to touch. I have PCOS, so my progesterone is super, super low. Like non-existent in my testosterone is through the roof. Oh my gosh, we're like, we're basically opposite because I'm on a testosterone gel now too, because my testosterone was so low. Wow.

Do you know why that happens? This hormone stuff is, and they don't, and my doctor, she's like a generation past like the first person who started studying this. It's such new, I don't know if you've had this experience, it's such new science. Yeah. They don't, they're still figuring out a lot of things.

And they're still giving you the tips and solutions for what they don't understand and for what they used to say 10 years ago when I was in college. Like, we should probably just go on Metformin. Metformin's like the newer thing. I'm like, that's still trash. Jules, how are you feeling about this conversation

of us old women talking about hormones? I'm, you're really young. I'm 23, so. I had these problems when I was 23 though. Oh, okay. I think I'm normal, I have. Jules. To her. Oh, I think I'm normal. I have If we could like like a cartoon zoom in on what you were seeing we'd all be like these withered old friends Just being like yeah, join us someday

Okay, I think I'm normal I haven't really experienced any of that. Good for you. That's awesome. I'm so happy for you. But I took a conscious, no not, yeah, the circle. Morning after pill? No, not the birth control pill. Oh, birth control. Birth control, the circle that you just put in your vagina. Oh, the ring. I hated that.

That made me turn into a different kind of person. A gremlin like us. Yeah, yeah. I was like crying every day. I was, that was crazy. Because the thing is, if you're not lacking the hormones that the thing is adding to you or Lacking the hormones that a birth control pill is adding to you. It's still gonna throw you off balance, right? Like the only thing is that he has lower estrogen. I have lower progesterone. So if we're getting a pill that's giving us

Everything that we don't need and all the pill doesn't shut down your ovaries. When I was in high school, I was on the pill and it did really clear up my acne and made my boobs bigger. And it was kind of a great period for me junior year. Like that was really fun. Go back on it.

No. I would stop hearing about everything then. I'm still on, so I'm on a progesterone only pill. My mind has been blown. Have you ever heard of what you ever heard of the vestibule? No. Okay, I'd never had either. And I consider myself to be like Reddit gynecologist.

Same. Okay. I consider you my Reddit gynecologist. It's the biggest honor I could ever hear. Okay, when you spread your inner labia and you have your vagina and your urethra, the skin around that's called your vestibule. Because it's like an entryway. Yeah.

And if that tissue is like inflamed or like not great, it can affect like your bladder. So I'm now also on a gel where every day I take a little bit of gel and I like put a mirror on the ground like I'm 12. And I like open it and I go like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, and I put this gel on my vestibule and it's a hundred percent helped.

But basically what I feel like a lot of women don't know is that, and this is like getting again, read it gynecology for sure, but like, especially like for menopause, perimenopause, like estrogen cream, like a lot of my friends who are going through that, that's like, they, they swear by it. It's like a miracle drug for whatever issues you may be having at that time. So I just wanna like PSA about, ask your doctor.

Can I just say one thing about the vestibule? Yeah, please. Two days ago, I did that thing where I had this mirror and I'm like, oh, cause something felt off. And so I put it on the floor. It's like a makeup mirror that has the magnifying option. Oh, I could never. And I spread and there was toilet paper on my vestibule.

Oh my. But that's what it was, because it wasn't fully inside and it wasn't on the labia. It's like scratchy. Yeah, that's it. Have you given yourself like a close look since you've given birth? I can't talk about that. It's it. Have you given yourself like a close look since you've given birth? I can't talk about that.

It's hard. She's asked me to give a close look though. Yeah, give a close look, close with, whatever you're willing to do as a friend. She did ask me this morning if I was willing to smell. Just checking your comfortable level. You don't wanna see it? No, I have looked.

It's actually fine. It's just like, it's, I like, I have a lot of anxiety around female health right now. And so it's all just like scary. Like I, yeah, I do. Which I think makes sense like eight months after giving birth. It's just all, I have a lot of issues.

Yeah, your body, your body's been through war. Yeah. Are you, like, and it's okay if this is not something you wanna talk about, but like, are you only having one? Like, is that? Yeah, I think that's where we're at. Was just talking about this to my husband, even before, so you know, in my special,

it's all about basically- On Netflix. On Netflix. I gave birth in late March, 2020 here, and then Adam Schlesinger, my songwriting partner, died of COVID like exactly a week after she was born. So, and then we were isolated from society having a newborn basically.

I just love the chills. That was such a like shocking, insane thing. It was awful. And I found out he was sick the night I gave birth. So I didn't even know he was sick. So it happened very quickly. I still remember getting, ugh. I still remember getting a text update from you

that was like, he's doing really great. Everyone says he's looking good. I remember that. And then the next thing was like, no. Yeah, the day before they said things were really improving. And that was the day that like news had leaked that he had it, that he was sick. And so people were almost like pre-grieving.

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, no, no, no, his vitals are actually looking better today. And then, no, it was not. But anyway, so that first year of having a newborn was like, it was really hard. We were isolated from society, basically. We could only see people kind of outdoors, 12 feet away.

Our house was kind of crumbling from beneath. The people who'd sold us our house kind of skimped on a lot of things, including they faked our earthquake proofing. So first of all, we got rats because our house was an open construction site. So one day we found rat poop in the nursery. And we're like, oh God,

because there was this thing of like rats can like smell the milk and like eat a baby's face or something. I don't know. It's just the most hard thing. So we had rat, the rat king thing is so interesting. So we had rats and then they opened up a wall and in there was an old beehive from like 50 years ago. So there weren't bees yet, there weren't bees.

But here's the thing about bees, they have great senses of smell. So it's basically if they smell that there's an abandoned beehive, it's like, oh my gosh, free real estate. So we had plague, rats, bees, and it was, and in relative isolation, and it was, and then our air conditioning stopped working

during that heat wave. And then the air was bad because of the fires, remember? Yes. So, plague, bees, rats, heat, fire, air. So all that to say is it was a really traumatic time. And we were one and done, I think, even when I was pregnant, like,

oh, I think we'll do this once. But now I just, I've heard for some people having a second can be really healing if you had a pandemic baby, but I think for our family, one feels. You're good. Correct. You're an only child. In many ways, and I'm an only child. Yeah.

And honestly, being an only child is the least of my problems. So like. Oh, I'm so pro only child. Like I think only children are like more creative, more independent. Like I think there's so many positive qualities about, I'm like, I think only children are way cooler.

Yeah, you love it. Than kids. But do you guys ever feel lonely? Because they say only child children, they're always like, they don't really know how to socialize more, I guess. I mean, look at her. I don't know a child. She's the most social person I know.

I'm only child. I know socialize well. So there's no- Your smile. Hello. Yeah, that's what friends are for. That's what friends are for. That's what summer camp's for. Like going to school.

That's what I like. Like that's, I think that that is the one thing is I will definitely send her to sleepaway camp. Cause I hear, I wish I'd gone to sleepaway camp cause at sleepaway camp you really learn how to be with other people. But I think it's just like, I don't know.

That's what I've heard. There also is a thing where only children, they don't really like to share. Is that true? Yeah. That's true. For me, really? That's all children though, right? Yeah.

But you particularly. I struggle with sharing. Actually she's gotten so, so much better though. Like she used to be really bad. But you're bad at sharing and you kind of- Bitch, are you kidding me? No. I'm literally the best at sharing.

You are now? Yeah, you just use my deodorant. But I remember in college- I offered her some of my drinks today. I asked you for a bite of food once and you looked at me and you go, how dare. Okay, this is true. You ask me for a bite of my food

when you know that I have another class after this. And I also, I- This is true, but this is because it was finals week and I was going crazy. I really cared about my grades. I was on a scholarship. I had to maintain a 3.5 GPA. But I was like, I respected the hell out of that.

Cause I was like, I wanna say, how dare you ask me to share. And you actually made me a worse sharer, believe it or not. For the record, I'm really good at sharing. Just to say like, I'm actually really good at sharing. And in fact, I think there was a kind of thing in my house of like, don't share food and don't share things with people.

And I think I, maybe out of rebellion, yeah, maybe out of rebellion, like swung the opposite way where like, I'll let people borrow my deodorant, my toothpaste, I don't give a shit. I'm also kind of disgusting though. So, but I'm not, no, I like sharing. I like, I'm really, really, I'm really good at sharing. I love sharing.

I can't believe you would even say that. You do, and I see that in you now. That happened one time. But that one memory was really strong. It was strong. Are you a sharer? Yeah, I'm okay with sharing. Yeah.

I feel like Jules never had a choice though. What do you mean? Like you have to share in your family. Are you kidding me? How many siblings do you have? Like you have to share in your family. Are you kidding me? How many siblings do you have? I have three younger siblings. That's a lot of people. A lot.

So I have to share like everything. But I'm okay with it. Yeah. Yeah, I never complained. I'm better at it now. Esther's really good at sharing now. It's been like so surprising and wonderful for the community.

We've been working through the issues. Yeah. You've been helping guide me. When I come over and she'll be like, do you, would you like some water to go? Are you kidding me bitch? What? I'm getting some cans sometimes to go wait I have to I also have to give you so much credit Rachel because I

like I Went off my antidepressants when I was pregnant. I was like, I'm fine And then I and then I then was like, I'm fine. And then I, and then I, then. She was not. I just like to say. I stayed on mine. Then I went, then I got, had the baby and I was not fine. And I went back on, but I had all this self-hatred and literally over and over in my head. And I even sent the link to our mutual friend who went on.

Yeah. I've been listening to the anti-depressants song you wrote. Like I said in my head, I'm like, anti-depressants are so, so not a big deal. Like I just, I think about it so much like that Is such an important song to me it really is like one of my childhood friends has been Spiraling to the point of like calling me in the middle of the night being like I just can't stop picturing Going outside in the middle of the street and that song

She's on meds for the last two weeks now, and I have to report she's doing wonderfully. That's crazy, that's so good. But you sent her that song like two weeks ago when she was like, couldn't get out of her spiraling, and she was like, wow, okay, so it is normal, guys. She's like half people in her community though. Oh, that makes me, oh, yeah.

Like culturally it's not a thing in her community. And she saw that song and she was like, wait a second. She needs more Jewish artists friends. But also it's a thing, cause even before I went on them, there was definitely a part of me that was like, it's a sign of weakness, right? Where it's like, yeah, we're all depressed.

I'm not gonna go on a pill. Life is hard. Boo hoo. Like I definitely had a little part of me thinking that. And then at a certain point I realized something is wrong and I think it's chemical. Like this doesn't feel, and there's a lot of shame in like,

I'm doing this to myself. I'm choosing to have negative thoughts, which is like why like the power of positive thinking messaging can be at times so toxic. Cause it's like, yeah, positive thinking is great, but if you chemically have an imbalance, it's impossible, and because it's the way your neurons transfer different chemicals to each other.

And I've doubled my Prozac in the, I mean, I just went on the next higher dose, and it's been great. It's been really, really great. I've doubled my Prozac in the, I mean, I just went on the next higher dose and it's been great. It's been really, really great. And it's not, and this thing of like, oh, it makes you numb, it makes you a robot. I think if you're over-medicated, yeah,

but if you're on a dose, it just makes me, the lows aren't as low. And also like my intrusive thoughts and my anxiety and my OCD is just so, all it does is support what I'm learning in therapy and all of the skills that I'm learning in therapy. And so the, yeah, the idea of like buck up and you're just soft and weak is like,

it's chemical though. I know I also really take such offense to the people that are like, so you're just gonna be a zombie walk. And like, you obviously don't understand this at all. Like I get it. Yes, if I was popping Xanax three times a day, I'd be a zombie. That's totally different.

But Xanax is like, there's different kinds of anti-anxiety meds and that's not the one I'm on. You don't take Xanax. I mean, I guess some people take Xanax daily, but like Xanax is for an anxiety, like- A panic attack kind of? Yeah, it's for anxiety moments. I mean, Xanax people take Xanax daily, but like Xanax is for an anxiety, like. A panic attack kind of? Yeah, it's for anxiety moments. I mean, Xanax has been very helpful to me

in like, you know, the in case of emergency, break glass moments. Yeah. But I mean, when I first went on Prozac, I asked my psychiatrist, I was like, I can't tell if it's working. Like I didn't feel that different. It was only realizing,

and a lot of it was also in hormonal stuff, but realizing without Prozac, oh wait, for about a week out of the month, like I go to a really dark place and it was realizing the absence of that darkness being like, oh, oh, I didn't have my- Yeah. Self-ate depressive spiral this month. That's what's missing.

It was almost like the absence of that. And when I think about some of the lows that my brain went to and could go to before I was on medication, I didn't suddenly feel like happy. Like, you know, it's a person's don't make you like go like everything is great. It it it replenishes the serotonin in your brain so that you're like, oh, like you're just steadier. It feels like it just makes me more resilient.

That's how it feels. What you said about it supporting therapy, that's what I told what you're learning in therapy. That's what I told her this morning actually, because she was like, you know, it's been two weeks and I finally feel like I can take a breath, like I can get through the day, like I'm okay. But she said, but I'm still anxious

and I'm still having these. And I said, right, but now you can actually work on that in therapy. And her family is very much like, why would you go on? Why would you go on anything? But it's just a cultural difference. Do you know what your diagnosis is of what's your, because you mentioned OCD.

I mean, in middle school, I definitely had OCD. I was in this really, really bad pattern of basically, and I still have this to a certain extent, but basically, starting at age nine, and I think it's like a puberty thing, I think it was hormonal, I started to have guilty thoughts and they would consume me and the only way I could kind of purge myself was to confess

these guilty thoughts to someone. And I wasn't raised religious or anything, so this is like my own brain doing something and that's literally obsessive compulsive. I had an obsession and then I had a compulsion to confess. And it would basically, it felt like relieving the air out of a, I don't know, like there was pressure, right?

It felt like, or like when you go on an airplane and there's like pressure in a water bottle, it felt like for a moment, that pressure being released when I would confess. And then anywhere from 20 minutes to a day later, another thought would creep in. Whoa. And the thing that I'm still working on,

because my intrusive thoughts are better, but they still happen, and I still have this compulsiveness a little, is like to not engage the thought. Like to not even like the thoughts there, but I don't need to solve it. What I try to do is I always try to solve it. Yes.

Because it's your brain. My therapist has a great thing where she talks about holes in the fence, where she's like, okay, so you've built a fence around your life to protect yourself. Your brain is always looking for holes in that protective fence.

And that's what anxiety is. And she's like, but some of those holes aren't real. And also, bitch. And also we're therapists. And also trying to patch the holes kind of won't even fix it. Like there are some holes that actually are more a problem if you think about them

and try to solve them. And this is still a muscle that I work on. And like, I was just having some like intrusive thought stuff in the past couple of weeks. And then I got my period. And now as of yesterday, it's suddenly so much easier to not engage in thoughts. It's so real.

I mean- Because I had been like, my schedule, I get really fucked up when I travel and I hadn't been traveling, but my sleep schedule got messed up. Like I still have a really sensitive system, but it was like, oh, oh, I'm, oh, I got my period and now it's easier for me to do

the cognitive behavioral therapy stuff of like, no, don't engage. It's called like thought stopping. Yeah, okay, that's what I'm about. Do you have a therapist? Yeah, and I'm working on thought stopping too. And like, also we were just talking about for like OCD stuff like maybe this is for anxiety, but like antidote,

like basically if I have a thought that's like, I'm a bad mom or I, you know, whatever it is, then to like take action to do something that proves that you're not that. Because I have a lot of what you're talking about too, the holes in the fence is so real for me. And like my therapist is sort of, I feel like her gently nudging me to realize like,

there's always gonna be holes in my fence. Like, and I'm the kind of person where I'm like, if I just patch this hole, then you know, but it's- Then you make it your job of your entire life is just like, where can I find another hole to patch? Where can I find another hole to patch? Yeah. It's your brain in survival mode.

Like it's your, it is your brain like, your brain is like, oh, there's a lion in the bushes. It's like a primal part of you, but it's not, but it's like not true. So the only thing that works for me is stop. Nuh-uh. Yeah. Stop.

And like the only place that is safe for me questioning is like in therapy. For some reason, my brain has adjusted itself to be like, okay, in therapy, I can go to like the worst catastrophic places, but like I can't do it on my own. But I think for a lot of people thought questioning, thought the questioning and the proving to yourself really helps.

It's just for me. You're saying it doesn't work for you. Cause I don't, cause I don't trust, the second I give an argument, I'm gonna then give a counter argument. Yeah, you would be a good lawyer if you had gone to law school. Which is what I'm sure all your Jewish relatives say to you. You would have been such a good lawyer.

You know what, I didn't have, despite what we did on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I didn't have that type of upbringing in a lovely way. I was raised, I grew up here, but also I was raised pretty separate from the like East Coast. You have to be a doctor or a lawyer. Yeah, which is so weird

because you have such East Coast Jew energy. I know. You always have had that. My dad's from Boston and my grandfather who I spent a lot of time with was from Brooklyn. So there's that energy, obviously. And I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I didn't have the,

I have a little bit of an imposter syndrome with Jewish identity sometimes, because I grew up kind of, I didn't get bat mitzvahed. I like, my mother didn't really care about Jewish identity. Like she wasn't bat mitzvahed. Like my grandparents were not really that religious. My mother didn't really care about Jewish identity. Like she wasn't Bat Mitzvahed. Like my grandparents were not really that religious. And so like, even though I'm fully Jewish and like,

there's, am I Jewish enough? And like, you know, when am I taking on an identity that isn't really my truth? It's like stuff I think about. I never feel that. I know she's half Jewish, or her mom is, she's, yeah. Like I was bat mitzvahed, but no one ever thinks I'm Jewish or.

I'm half, so I'm, you know, by many accounts would not be considered. And it's your dad is Jewish, right? Yeah. But by reform, like I've asked a reform rabbi and he said, you count to us. But I actually feel such a strong Jewish identity because my dad had the bigger personality in the household.

I grew up in an extremely Jewish community. So I like never even questioned it at all. It's so funny to hear you say that. It's not like I questioned my identity. I've always known I'm Jewish. It's that what does that mean? And I think a lot of the stereotypical things around being Jewish, some of them,

like if anything else, like all Jews talk like this, they're all from Brooklyn, like that's not my experience. I don't have the like, you gotta be a doctor. You gotta marry a Jewish boy. That actually- That's just like East Coast, which is so different. Which is actually like, I think dealing more with like stereotypes in the media.

And I think because I didn't go to Hebrews, I quit Hebrew school when I was like 10. I'm actually right now in the process of figuring out like, okay, what does being Jewish mean to me? And Gregor, my husband opposite was raised like going to a Jewish school like Yeshiva until he was like 13. Grew up conservative, keeping kosher.

And so also I think in light of that, and we've been together for 16 years. So in light of that, it's caused me to be like, okay, well, what does this mean to, what does my identity mean to me? And what does it mean to my daughter? Because it's all so weird. It's cultural, it's medical, it's medical, it's racial.

It's medical. Like, I'm sorry, like, you know, when you get- It's on 23, really. When you get- When you get medical. When you get pregnant, I get pregnant. Your doctor goes, basically goes, give her the Jew tests because there's a bunch of genetic disorders

because there was a bottleneck, like something like 800 years ago or something. And basically there were like 300 Jews left in the world or something like that, I don't know. I'm not, I'm a Reddit scholar on this. So I'm still like, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff I'm like in process with. And also I'm a, I like to say I'm a practical atheist,

theoretical agnostic, which means that I don't live my life with spirituality or God being a part of it. So that, so I'm not religious. I don't believe that there's a God and that God wrote the Bible. So that's not part of me doing that. Sam, you don't either.

Yeah, that stuff's crazy. And in fact, certain Jewish things I've gone to where it's like, God can mean many things, where it's almost like trying to like reappropriate God to be more modern. I don't connect with that, because I don't believe there's a God. I'm much more connected to actually like,

let's just say the things that have been said for thousands of years, because there's something very profound in ritual for ritual's sake. Yeah, I totally get to that. And nature is powerful. Like nature is life creation. That is, to me, everything. It's wild. Like, I don't know. We haven't found evidence for life. Like, what if we're the only life in the entire universe? Probably not, but that's wild. God is just dog spelled backwards.

Well, that I believe. But that's wild. God is just dog spelled backwards. Well that I believe. So let's move. New year, new budget, whether it's groceries, home essentials, or a weekend getaway, make sure you're getting cash back on every purchase when you use iBotta.

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Wait, Jules, I wanna check in with you. How are you feeling about- She's been sleeping this whole time, so she's feeling great. I'm sorry, this is a lot about- No, it's okay, I like listening. About like all of our depression, anxiety, and brain OCD stuff, like do you-

I wanted to ask you about, you said that instead of thought questioning it for like intrusive thoughts, you instead do, you just say, like you just stop it. Like I'm trying to solve a problem right now that actually won't be solved by me trying to solve it. In fact, it'll make it worse. Hmm, I see. So you just, you just say like stop.

Yeah, that's what I like kind of do. I just go stop and like, and then, I just try to like breathe and be, and just be as present as I can. It's almost like I try to just, I do my best to not form the worry into words in my brain. That's the second that it fucks me. And it's really hard to do.

Like she said, like it's not, obviously it's not easy if you just do it once, but you do it multiple times. For me, I have a visual with the stopping. So I picture like a paint brush, swiping it off or a door. Does it really work? Does it work? The two young kids with the same age.

I think for me it does. Obviously it depends on how bad it is. I have like my medical trauma is like the worst of it all. But like, especially when I'm going to bed, I picture the door closing. So every other thought that comes in, I just close. And it's not like, no, like denying it, but it's, I guess it is in a sense.

It's just like, nope, nope. I'm not aggressive with it. I don't like waste a lot of sense. It's just like, no, no, I'm not aggressive with it. I don't like waste a lot of energy. It's just like, no, no. Next. And eventually it's like you have something to do. Like you were saying, be mindful, be thoughtful, take a breath, be in your body. I know it sounds a little woo woo, but when you actually put it to work, it will works. It's just, you know, in case you feel like a snack,

we have it. You don't have to have it. No, I'll always eat a banana. Also potassium. I was about to just open it. I just wanted to make sure that we didn't eat it as like a project. As like an art project.

Like we're playing a game. So these are huge. In your special, Death Let Me Do My Special available on Netflix, nominated for a Critics' Choice Award. Congratulations. Thank you. It's called Death Let Me Do My Special.

You talk about you love your dog, the same. This is like, can we write a thesis paper on this together? Absolutely. Because this is huge. Tell Rachel about what happened the day before. Oh my God. Or the day I gave birth. The whole week before.

So I go over to Esther's, first off I've been trying to take pictures of her, her entire pregnancy. She's like, every day is not the right day. So finally I just text. I feel like you posted so many pictures online when you were pregnant. Well, cause eventually I took like 72. Those were selfies though mostly, but yeah.

Oh, you didn't want to do like a glamour, the thing where you're in the desert wearing a white dress. Oh God. But the thought of any- The Pinterest page. Even not pregnant, the thought of any planned photo shoot, I'm like, today's not the day. Like it's just never.

What I was just saying, like I'm gonna come over, so then finally I text Dave, because he kept being like, dude, I really want photos. I'm like, I know, but she says no, and it's up to her, dude. So finally I was like, okay, what if when I come over'm like, I know, but she says no, and it's up to her, dude. So finally I was like, okay, what if when I come over to hang, I just bring my camera, I bring my film, and we just do it, and he's like, do it.

We didn't tell you. I know. And so I just go and hang. The like 20 second hang turns into like, I'm her doula now, massaging her. It's eight hours. She's going, touch me more, Tia, touch me. And we take these photos, and all of a sudden and I have it in a picture where

she's just going. She goes, I'm just really scared that I'm going to love donut less. Her dog. So like it wasn't even about the baby or loving the baby more or less. She was just so, so concerned that she might love Donut less. And it turned into this spiral. Yeah, and even when I was leaving for my induction, I was so devastated when I handed Donut off to her.

Sobbing. But happy to report, I don't love her any less, and in fact, I love her more. And I wanna talk about this with you, because you have the same thing, right? Yeah, it really didn't change. I mean, the idea of love being a finite resource is really interesting, because I,

look, I think that some people- But were you worried like she was? I was worried, no, so I had a spiral. Also, the hormones flooding through you when you're pregnant are like really intense, and so I started to feel very, I was really nauseous for the first four months. And when I'm nauseous, my brain goes to a bad place.

And it was almost like I'd have these hormone surges where I was like, I would get nauseous and depressed. And I couldn't tell it was a chicken or the egg thing. And sometimes when I was pregnant, it was just all too profound. It was just like too much that it was just, I don't know, it was just too much. And the thing that I thought of was like,

as I watched my pregnancy progress, I started to think about life and time in these really specific ways that I hadn't before. And I realized that at a certain point, picturing my child, you know, a couple years from now, my dog won't be around. And I hadn't thought of that before. So I had real depression about Wiley's eventual demise. And Wiley's still, I mean,

Wiley's still doing great. She's 15. So she sleeps so much. And I think her hearing's going a little bit because when we come in the house, she doesn't jump up and greet us anymore. She'll still just be asleep on the bed. But when she's awake, her energy's the same. She just sleeps a lot.

That's amazing. That's so cute. She's so happy. Yeah, I was looking up dog years last night that she's a small dog. So in human years, she's 76 years old. Oh, little baby. What does she look like?

She's so cute. She looks like a border terrier, but the genetic tests we've done, because we've done dog 23 and me, we're on Embark DNA, of course. That's so cute. The Embark DNA tests we've done say that she's 50% purebred Shih Tzu and then 50% 10 other types of dogs,

none of which are terriers, even though she looks exactly like a border terrier. So I don't know. And you feel that you still, you love her as much as you love your child, does that? I mean, Uh-oh. Like,

It's different. It hasn't, I get, I say that in the special. It's different. It's different, but here's what I'll say, it hasn't lessened my love for Wiley. Okay. That's what I feel. Okay.

I still love Wiley, like at the end of the day when Wiley's on our bed and we're scratching her, I still have the same rush of love and affection that I have for Wiley. The emotions I feel for my child and the fears are, I think, a little more powerful. Okay, okay. But I say in this special, I love them equally,

just because I basically do, but if you in this special, I love them equally just cause like, I basically do. But if you were to actually, you know, gun to my head, be like, well, what do you really, it's like, well, no. Like would I, would I jump in front of a car for my dog? I don't know. Would I jump in front of a car for my daughter? Yeah. Okay. I would.

Huh. I'm gonna just think on that. But it hasn't lessened the way I feel about Wiley. It hasn't been like, I haven't suddenly been like, the lady in the tramp thing where it's just like, go away, we hate you. That's not it anymore. We still feel the same love for her.

It's just having a kid is a more, I think, intense version of that love, good and bad, because the fears that I have, I mean, having a kid's changed the way I see so much about the world. It is cracked open. It's so overwhelming. It's cracked open my empathy.

I used to be able to, you know, watch like tough movies and read tough news news article and now I The way it's affected My I guess I'm an empath the way that it's affected my empathy and being destroyed By that over Empathetic place has has really

Changed the way I take in a lot of media. I'm so sensitive by that over empathetic place has really changed the way I take in a lot of media. I'm so sensitive. It's disgusting. It makes sense to me. Oh, I really hate it. No, it's awful. It's awful. Cause they also don't, these kids don't know anything.

And they're on a constant campaign to like, like injure themselves because they don't, they have no fear. And so it's, no, it's horrifying. I'm not there yet, cause she's still just a little blob. Yeah. Which I love a blob.

But I'm also surprised and happy about, you're not like super stressful mom. No, I know it's weird. Which I thought you were going to be. It's really amazing. Like I feel more stressed because I thought in the beginning like, oh, Esther's gonna be stressed. So I have to do it this way. And I'd be like, oh, she leaned over.

Which I'm not normally stressed like that. And I'm like, she leaned over and Esther's like, she's fine. I'm like, oh, but like she rolled over. Yeah, we'll just roll her back over. Esther's like, she's fine. I'm like, oh, but she rolled over. Yeah, we'll just roll her back over. I'm like, yes. It's weird. I have this weird thing where I'm like, she's fine.

She's great. I love that. Because she's gonna feel like she's fine. I just have, but I believe in her. But the flip side of that is that I'm the problem. I go, there's problems with me. I'm the problem. I go, there's problems with me, I'm wrong. So it's like I didn't escape that stress,

but it's just landing, of course, on myself. No, I get, the main thing I'm working on is self-compassion and it's the hardest fucking thing in the world. Ugh. Because I also got, I got a new therapist and because my psychiatrist died. As you,

that's another thing that happened is my psychiatrist died. He fully died. Yes, he was my psychiatrist of eight years, he died. Anyway, he died. So I have a new therapist, but anyway, she kind of turned me on to the fact that she's like, I think you have ADHD.

And we did an ADHD screener with her and she's like, okay, so you scored very high. And ever since that happened, which was like two and a half years ago, so many other things have fallen into place. And... There are a lot... I mean, generalized anxiety disorder is really common in people with ADHD. It's all these like kind of, I guess you'd say, co-morbidities or whatever.

Yeah, like hormonal disorder, ADHD. It's like, it's all, I don't know, it's all a mess. It's all a mix of a mess of stuff. But I go to a very self-flagellating place because I think when your brain works differently, you're like, okay, I have to make people think that I'm normal. So that people don't-

Yeah, it's like masking all the time. I'm like so afraid of people not liking me. Like I'm terrified. Like if someone's mad at me, it feels like I've been stabbed in the stomach. And it's something with ADHD. Isn't it like rejection? Rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Yeah, exactly. I have ADHD. I was diagnosed like three times and I thought it was irrelevant and had nothing to do with me. And similarly, two years ago, just a bunch of friends being like, oh yeah, that's your ADHD.

And I'm like, what? It's only irrelevant when I'm at the library or in school. That's what I thought. And now I realize like, I'm not unique. It's literally just my ADHD. Like all of my personality quirks, all of the things that I do that people think are like funny or direct, it's just that.

And I don't have that rejection. What is it? Re, rejection something dysphoria? Sensitive dysphoria, yeah. Yeah, I like love when people reject me. I'm so jealous. One of my best friends has it very intensely and I didn't know that it was a thing and she finally explained it to me

because we would get into these little tiffs where she would just like shut down and I'm like, what's going on? I'm really confused because I haven't said anything. And she explained that to me. And now I can be much more sensitive to it because I'm trying to think of the word in English. This is horrible.

Like, what is it? It doesn't cost me much. What was the word? Wait, what's? Like, it doesn't cost me much to be sensitive to this thing that really affects her and so I'm just starting to be aware of that that it like Really controls her interactions her thoughts her decisions to do something or not do something because she doesn't want to be rich

I mean, it's yes, it's wild. I have a question for you. Yeah based on that do you hyper focus on everything, like a person is saying, if he or she is like, he just moved something in his mouth or like he- No, I don't have it that, I don't have it. That's not how it manifests in me. I'm not, luckily, and I think some people have that,

I'm not going into a conversation looking for a way for someone to hate me, like looking for all the way someone might hate me. It's that when, and I've gotten better at this, but when there is, and it's interesting, it doesn't happen as much with like, like writing constructive criticism, because that's not me, that's what's on the page.

I mean, it's why getting criticized as a, it's why getting writing criticism is actually so much easier than constructive criticism, because that's not me, that's what's on the page. I mean, it's why getting criticized as a, it's why getting writing criticism is actually so much easier than acting criticism, because acting criticism, especially online, is who you are, right? Writing criticism is like, well, that's not me, that's what's on the, you can tell yourself like, well, that's just like structurally what's on the page.

No, it's that if, you know, if someone's like, hey, you did something that really hurt me. Or, I mean, I don't like, look, becoming a semi public figure and changing the way I needed to deal with things online. And, and learning that the hard way of like, Oh, no, I can't, I can't check things in the in the way that I did when I was just doing like internet videos and reading comments to see like, are people digging this video? Like you can't, I can't do that anymore.

So it's just being really, really hypersensitive to criticism and also the idea that I might have hurt someone because there is still a fundamental thing that I'm dealing with, which is like, I wouldn't say it's imposter syndrome as much as like, am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I a fraud? Like it's a catastrophic place that is not rooted in reality. That is just like what I'm working on.

I literally have a workbook that's called like the self-compassion workbook that I've been working from. And something that like really, there was this exercise, I'm not doing it as frequently as I should, but I'm doing it before bed sometimes. And there was an exercise where it was, it's like, okay, think about a person in your life

that you have uncomplicated feelings towards who you're just like they're great What would you say? What would you say about them? And it's like I wish them all the happiness in the world, right? And I thought about I actually thought about my friend Betsy if she's watching this. Oh She's the first person that came to mind. I was like, I wish Betsy just happiness and good and it's like, okay now do that for yourself Have that same uncomplicated love and positivity for yourself, and it's so hard.

Whoa, that's such a good exercise. It was really weird. Because there's a self hatred that I have and a self-flagellation caused by many things in my life, experiences in addition to whatever my brain chemistry is that I am like actively still working through. And it's my main, really my main journey as a person. And it's fucking hard.

Yeah. Yeah, I relate to a lot of that. And I feel like, is that workbook on Amazon? Yeah, that's right. It's only on Reddit. I'll text it to you. It's great. Okay, okay. Jules, what's coming up for you? Yeah, I'm sorry, is that workbook on Amazon? Yeah, it's only on Reddit. I'll text it to you, it's great. Okay, okay. Jules, what's coming up for you?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm, yeah. No, I like hearing everything because I feel like I need also all the help that you guys are doing. Yeah, we're also all bad. And that's the thing, is all of this stuff with ADHD and being sensitive to rejection and loving yourself, it's a thing all of us have.

Self-compassion is hard for everyone. No one likes rejection. I mean, there are some people who, I guess, have a personality type where they thrive on it a little bit or like when someone doesn't like them, they're amused by it. That is like a personality type. Like in a romantic comedy.

Sounds like a circus. That they're like, I know some people who like, if someone insults them, they'll be like, you're an idiot. I don't have that muscle. And I think that's a minority of the population, but this is stuff we can all, I think, mostly relate to. It's just how much does it affect our lives, our emotional state.

For me, if I feel like I'm not being what I've created in my head since I was a kid as a good person, that to me is catastrophic. Me too. Like if someone, again, I want people to tell me like, hey, I didn't really like the way that you acted in this situation. But it's the only thing that makes me go from zero

to a hundred of like fight or flight, run, this is horrible. Like, you know how I've always been really like morally and like I wanna be everyone's greatest friend. And I wanna like identify with that, which is a lot of my ego, which I've been working on letting go of like being the best friend to everyone. Well, you could hold onto that.

No need to let go of that. But you know how like even I've been setting boundaries with you like the last couple of months, because I feel like- And how good am I with boundaries? So good. I'm amazing with boundaries. She of months because I feel like- And how good am I with boundaries? So good. I'm amazing with boundaries. She really is.

I feel like you're really great. Esther is so great when she just knows what the person wants. Like if they're being direct with her, I feel like you're very responsive. I think when it gets complicated with anyone, I think too, but when you don't know, it's like, okay, then I'm not gonna act

the way you want me to act or I can't, I can't be better for you when you don't know, it's like, okay, then I'm not gonna act the way you want me to act, or I can't be better for you because I don't know what you want versus when I'm just like, hey, so when I come over, I'm not doing that thing and I need to leave in two hours because I need to do stuff for myself. She's like, great, okay. Also, because you're terrified I won't come back. But.

And you're terrified I won't invite you back. So we. Exactly. But I do have like, K. Yeah, and you're terrified I won't invite you back. Yes. So we. Exactly. But I do have like, Kaililah, my regular co-host or, you know, trash Tuesday slug. You're great. You guys are great. She's Kaililah's niece.

That's, isn't that cool? Jules is beloved. We love her so much. I've known Jules since she was 16. Jules, are you a comedian? What's your area? She's ahead in finals week right now. Are you in school?

She hasn't slept in 13 days. Oh my God, where are you in school? I go to CSUN, Northridge. And what's your focus? Biology. Damn. But I'm dying right now, because it's so hard.

Phospholipid bilayer. That's the one term I remember from bio that when I got it finally I was like I get what a phospholipid bilayer is. I don't remember what it is anymore but I remember that term. Well I don't know right now because I'm having a hard time with microbiome and Aticalyla aced that class. And I'm- Like microcellular biology, like NCB. I'm dying and I haven't slept and yeah. I'm so sorry. But it's okay.

That's what I do. What are you thinking for the future? I don't know. Let's just really stress you out. I don't know yet. I'm just trying to graduate. Yeah, hey, great. That's it for you.

That's awesome. Cause you asked that question about like fixating. I wanna know more about that. Like if someone touches their face, like what were you getting to? Well, because like people pleasing or like you're so focused on like- You're a people pleaser.

Yeah, I am. I think I'm like the worst. Cause like even with a switch of tone, like I can detect it and then I overthink it like, oh my god, she hates me. Or like even when they like just squint, they or like they just say they just move like in certain ways and I detect it and I think, oh they don't like me. Well, I'm very light sensitive so just so you know I'm always going to be squinting. Yeah, but yeah, I just hyper fixate on like their movement, their facial expression, their

tone. That's me. And then I just overthink. Yeah. It's also a female thing. Like it's so true. And I don't know if it's biological. It's probably societal, the pressure to come off as nice and pleasant and not hostile and prickly

is not something just to generalize. It's not something men seem to think about as much. You know what makes me wanna rage is when men are like, yeah, why are women so stressed all the time? Yeah. But it's cause they're not, it's cause, and again, this is such a generalization, but like it's cause generally a lot of times like they're not, it's because, and again, this is such a generalization, but like, it's because generally a lot of times,

like they're not, and so there's a part of that that they're just not, it's just a funny. There's also societal things. Men and women are different, am I right? It's a societal thing that they're not stressed. They get to be not stressed. It's like a privilege that they don't have to think about all of the things that women have to think about

or appear as such, like having everything together, okay, pleasant. Like- But you have all the male hormones, so where do you stand? I'm fine, I'm never stressed. No, I'm just kidding. Well, but my body recognizes that it's like-

Wrong. That it's like off, because my progesterone is so low as well. My testosterone is so high, so I feel- Is that what makes you a good handyman? Yes, that's why my hands are so big. Well, and men also have progesterone and estrogen in their body. Like we all have the same hormones.

It's just all about like, what are the balances, right? Yeah. I think. Yeah. But I think that men typically go with the, like the rise and the fall is usually just testosterone. And so I feel like they don't expect, read it. I mean, can you please tell us

from the perspective of a man? Yeah, so from the perspective of a- Of a high testosterone female. Female and low, my estrogen probably doesn't even exist anymore either. But I feel, so progesterone like regulates your mood, your sleep, depression, your energy, the way that you think about things.

So kind of what I feel like most of the time is how you feel the week before your period. That's not okay. No, it's horrific. Because the luteal phase is, like I was just looking at my Stardust app and seeing that I'll be in my luteal phase over the holidays, I'm like, uh-oh,

maybe I should cancel my trip home because nobody's gonna enjoy this. It's gonna be bad. So I've started taking my birth control with no placebo pill. Oh. Which is safe to do if you're on birth control. So this period that I had, I think was partially

from my schedule being all fucked up, but I don't have a period once a month now. So I'm having PMS less. Oh, wow. So you'll schedule when you have your period. No, I don't schedule it at all. You don't actually need to, I've been told it's okay to take the pills continuously.

You don't need a placebo. You don't need the placebo pill to have your period. I love being an adult. It's so funny, because in my daughter's preschool class, the moms will have these mom hangs, and I feel like we always end up talking about this stuff, childbirth, inadequacy as moms, and then the dads occasionally do a hang. And what I've heard the dad hang was, it's like,

yeah, we just talked about the new dune. Well, that's all men. They don't know anything about their best friends, right? They don't know, like their best friends could be going through a divorce. They have no idea, but it's like, women, we spill all the tea immediately. Male friendships are more of a, like,

I think activity or hobby. It's like an outing. Sports. That's my friend from my basketball league. I mean, this is so reductive of men. But I think that generally male friendships thrive on- Let's generalize about men. I know, I'm kind of quoting myself.

But I think that that's the sense I have is that male friendships tend to be, at least when they start a little bit more like, let's not get into deep shit and not like to get into the deep shit, you have to be like really, really, really close friends. But I feel like a lot of women I know will just, meeting one they'll be like,

they'll just be like, I worry about how my pussy smells. Can you smell it for me? And everyone's like, I would love to. And then it's like, and that's just like a general meeting you take with an executive. I feel like you have some general meetings with certain executives where it's like. Is this spot on my nipple normal?

It's like, oh my God, can you feel this thing? But that's also what I love about being a woman and what I feel bad for about a lot of men. Because I feel like it's not that men, yeah. It's not that men don't have the depth. It's not that they don't have the emotions. I think the way that society, the only one way that society has done men wrong

is that they feel like they constantly cannot emote and it runs deep, that they have to have it all together, that they don't really want to get into how they're feeling with their friends because it doesn't have to be that serious and then someone thinks that there's something wrong with you and then you're being weak. Yeah. I hate that message and I do wish that men would open up and consider that sharing and being more open about their feelings and their vulnerabilities.

I guarantee if you try that, there's a really good chance it will be met with love and reception. Because you're human. Yeah. I actually think men are just as if not more emotional than women. Which is where being macho comes from. It's like this fake cover up of it.

My husband said it really well where we were at a party and we watched, there is an energy to little boys that I find like, quite, oh, these little boys have so much, you can feel the testosterone, you can feel there's an energy, there's a slight anger there. And I mean, watching an eight yearyear-old boy at a pinata, like the look in a little boy's eyes

before he's about to hit pinata, my husband has said, that's the face of war. That is war. That is something is going on and that's an emotion. And I think that men almost swing wildly like there's no in-between. That men are either super like chill and then when they're emotional,

they either lash out in anger or they shut the fuck down. And we haven't given men a template for how to deal with their emotions. Like some of the, I mean, I'm not really up on like the Incelli red pill stuff, but some of that thing of like, we have underserved men in general as a society to be like, yeah, yeah, you're fine. Like you guys are fine.

You're the cause of all the problems. So like, shut the fuck up. That does nothing in helping men how to deal with these often like very, very intense emotional swings that they have. Which in turn does nothing to help the women on the planet deal with their emotions and have space to be and to be held in that place.

You know, I go to a weekly women's support group, like a group therapy type thing, and I had a guy friend and I was like, God, he would benefit so much from this. And I'm like, it's not, there's not, they don't have that at the place I go at least. I'm like, God, I wish that existed because you guys, like we're all right,

like men do need the support and the connection. And it is hard, even for us sometimes, like I know we're joking, like show me your pussy, whatever, but like it can be hard, it can be intimidating to like go there deep with a friend. And so that's why like my support group is really helpful And I just wish that I don't know men had that and at least hear the message from us that Yeah, and that we love you when you're being gentle and having your emotions and feeling however

you're feeling and it's not weak which one of my best friends told me last week a Heterosis male who was raised somewhere else where the community is very like macho and I was like wait he was crying about a very existential serious life thing which it's okay even if he's crying about a commercial and he was like I'm sorry that you have to see me like this and I was like what see you like what there And I was like, what? See you like what? There's so much shame over emotion that I think women in different ways don't,

I think we have shame over seeming difficult, but we don't necessarily have shame over like being sad and emo in the same ways. And like, I love it when my husband cries. It's one of, I think it is so open and human and beautiful. And I happen to have a very emotionally available and open husband and we talk about this stuff a lot, like the difference between,

the difference between men and women. But from what I've observed, even with now that I'm spending a lot more time around little kids, little boys are in a lot of ways, just as if not more emotional, and it's like especially like clingy to their moms than little girls.

Also little boys develop slower. And I feel like there's very little compassion for that. And it's why there's this term red-shirting where some people hold back boys and let them do one more year of preschool because they thrive a lot better when they're maybe older in their class as opposed to younger

because girls just literally develop quicker, like their brains develop quicker. And there's just, I think if I had a boy, you almost have to be more sensitive as a parent to what they're going through, I think. I mean, I think little boys are really interesting and sweet. It's true. And it's in the same way that as a parent,

you also have to be more aggressive in letting your girls know that they can do anything they want. They can take anything they want in the same way that like little boys know and think inherently that like everything is for them. It's like the way that society is set up really is a detriment to both. It's really like, if you're raising a boy,

you need to raise him with more girl identified, like emotional communication. And if you're raising a girl, you need to bring in some more boy identified emotional communication of like, you know, take your space and girls are funny too. And that's why I dress my daughter in blue and everyone and gave her a voice name.

I think we're out of time, but this has like been so much fun. Rachel, you belong on our show. Come back anytime. This is wonderful. I feel very, I feel very, I feel very, I feel very,

I feel very, I feel very, I feel very, I feel very, I feel very, I feel very, I feel very Therapized right now. Oh my god me too. That's great cuz our therapist is on maternity And we're struggling. Oh you have the same therapist. Yeah, so funny. Yeah, she I didn't want to be Esther's therapist anymore Rachel everyone will check out death let me do my special on Netflix Nominated for critics choice award no big deal and anything else that we should be looking out for? Look out for yourselves. Yes!

Okay, queen! Thank you, Rachel. And also watch all of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix, if you haven't yet. Featuring Esther. Yeah, watch your girls. And we'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Stay with me.