Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Mark Normand Goes Full Bush

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors: BetterHelp - Visit our sponsor https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesday today to get 10% off your first month.Factor - Head to https://factormeals.com/trash50 and use code trash50 to get 50% off Watch Mark Normand’s 'Soup to Nuts' OFFICIAL NETFLIX TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7R9beuVU68 More Mark NormandYouTube: @marknormand   We Might Be Drunk w/ Sam Morril: @WeMightBeDrunkPod Tuesdays with Stories: @TuesdayswithStoriesTwitter: https://twitter.com/marknorm?Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormandTour Tickets: https://marknormand.komi.io/ Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 Mark Normand’s Special & the Art of Crowd Work8:57 Workshopping New Material16:00 Mark Normand’s Trippy Wedding18:58 Mark Normand Isn’t a Big Taylor Swift Fan23:13 Mark Normand and Annie’s Back and Forth on Esther’s Young Appearance 25:29 Married to a Stand up Comedian27:10 Stand Up Comedians Having Kids & Unplanned Pregnancies34:19 Hit in the Privates 40:39 The No Jumper Adam22 Lena The Plug Drama44:48 Genetically Ripped Guys With an Interesting Hobby52:17 Half Chub & Full Bush54:42 The Hottest Kennedy56:37 Our Hottest Male Celebrities & Mark Normand’s Hottest Female Celebrities 1:02:49 Mark Normand’s Parents Are Not Big Laughers1:04:13 Farts & Red Flags Send us your Trash Tuesday fan mail!c/o 7EQUIS LLCP.O. Box 5154Glendale, CA 91221 Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079 AnnieWood - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/anniewood/id1653515392 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: 7EQUIS Podcast Producer: Pete Forthun  

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offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply statement mobile for details welcome back to trash tuesday today in studio as our current kalilah replacement we have someone very similar i've also bobby lee welcome back mark normand good to be back well this is the first time i'm in the in the the studio I was in your weird little therapy seat In New York I had so much fun over that one For the therapy session? I was like, what is going on here?

We bonded, we got close Drama bonded And congrats on the new special, I started it last night It's so funny And it's called Soup to Nuts And it's all over my Netflix Oh, great It's crazily And it's all over my Netflix. Oh, great.

It's crazily trending. All of your Netflix? It's all over my Netflix. I'm nutting all over it. That'd be a great porn site, Netflix. Netflix. I gotta get that domain. Or it's like a game you guys play when you're teens. Yeah, Bangkok.

Remember that? How does it feel to have it out? It's been out for a couple weeks now it's bittersweet because uh it's doing well people seem to like it but then they come out and see you and i got no new stuff i know so you're like now i gotta pump that shit out any ideas audience right right i've got the paper out there it just has swastikas on it but uh yeah it's just i've gotta pump it out because they're like coming to see you and the agents are like go make more money like i need a minute to build material.

Yeah, and the agents won't let it happen. No, no. They won't. All their other clients are on strike. So they're like, we need to do it. I loved how in the opening you started with like having audience like the audience shout stuff out and you reacting to it. Because I do feel like that's become a very big part of stand-up, especially developing new stuff or just if I'm trying to get a crowd work clip or something. Right. So I was really excited to see that incorporated in a special. But how often are you not pulling that off?

How often are they throwing something off and you're like, next! Yeah, a lot of editing in there. A lot of guys are like, I'm Pakistani. And you're like, good job. I love your people. You know. I know how to pack a fanny. Foreign domain.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L betterhelp.com slash trash tuesday today to get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com slash trash tuesday head to factor meals.com slash trash 50 and use code trash 50 to get 50 off that's code trash 50 at factor meals.com slash trash 50 to get 50 off hello sluggies um what a fun episode. Thank you for joining us. I am on the road on the Welcome to Annie Wood tour. You can see me in San Francisco at Cobbs. That was so fun. It sold out last time. I can't wait to see you guys. September 15th and 16th. I'll be in Austin, Texas in October. La Jolla in October at the Comedy Store. I think I'll be filming my special

there. So that will be extra special. And I'll be in San Jose and Houston and a lot more dates are getting added. So go to Annie Letterman dot com slash shows and you can see me every Thursday on Annie Wood and Annie Wood and Friends at the Comedy Store. The date will be posted. So check my Instagram. I don't know the exact date yet, but you will see it September something. I don't know the exact date yet but you will see it September something hi you guys I am so psyched that for the first time ever I am coming to Madison Wisconsin in two weeks September 14th through 16th I'm really looking forward to this I'm definitely a cheese Midwest girl and then I'll be in DC Boston San Diego Detroit Chicago San Jose and. You can get tickets at esteronice.com. I can't wait to see you guys.

Now, I'm going to shoot a special soon, and I was thinking, I like pace so much that the editing is going to be hard. All of a sudden, I'm to be like over in one corner. That'll be fine. I mean, Chris Rock is like a fucking preacher up there. But didn't he do his live where you watch the whole thing? Well, his old ones are paced.

Yeah. You'll be fine. But then he goes to like Africa in one. Remember? Oh, yeah. He like all of a sudden is in like another country in another outfit. There's black people and then there's Africans. But yeah, he paces.

You'll be fine. Pacing is good. It keeps people interested. Do you do that at all your live shows where you take like the audience stuff? Is that why you incorporated it in the special? No, because A, I hadn't seen anyone do it. And everybody's like, you got to get them up top. They click out after like two seconds.

They're bored. So I was like, put that in the front. So it's kind of action packed a little. little and i love the opening like because i'm from chicago it was so cool to see the l represented in tv yeah i was so excited um what made you decide to shoot in chicago well i kind of blew my load in all these cities you know we're gonna shoot at this date and i'm like well i've just been here i've just been here i can't sell another ticket in chicago we hadn't been to in a minute so we did it there and it's a great comedy town as you know yeah I was so I was also extra excited because the Vic where you shot it is there was once a

dropkick Murphy's concert there that I didn't even know what they were but these cool kids invited me and my parents wouldn't let me go so like the Vic had like a very childhood like I had FOMO yeah you were a dropkick gal no I not at all oh I just wanted her friends were going the cool people got it and my parents were like this is not happening well I was a good protection though yeah tiny and easily dropkick no I fully would have died yeah you would have gotten killed but I'm the only idiot that booked the theater I was like the theater's open book. And it was St. Paddy's Day. Oh, that is the worst. Oh my God.

The worst, the worst. Everybody was hammered. One guy like hit his girlfriend. We had to stop the show. It was wild. To jerk off. Yeah, yeah. Wait, cause you know,

in Chicago, St. Patrick's Day is insane. Oh yeah. And at my college, which is the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana, they have something called unofficial St. Patrickrick's day where like all the kids start drinking the friday before saint patrick's day at like 8 a.m and they drink all day so maybe it's because the school is called champagne that could be why is it the longest name of a school what is it called university of illinois and champagne okay there's two cities which i don't fully understand either

but were people like so reckless? Hammered, yelling out stuff. A lot of that front part of the special with the crowd work was them being shit-faced. They started the crowd work. Sometimes it happens and you're like,

I guess we're going here. You got to go there and it's a Netflix statement. So you're like, I want it to be perfect. And then you see some guy like, blow me. And you're like,

oh shit. But we pulled it together and we got something out of it were you nervous terrified i was like this is my shot yeah wait did you do one show we did four just for that reason in how many nights one two nights two that's so funny to pack in four on saint patty's day like let's see how many fucked up people we can get in here a lot of editing i'm always performing on the worst every i've never taken the right weekend off ever. I'm always like, oh, sure, this weekend's open.

I'll do it. And it's always a drinking thing. Yeah, you're in Winnipeg in February. I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, yeah, no wonder no one would take this. I always go to Tampa during their pirate festival. I'm like, fuck, everyone's always coming in with peg legs. One time I had a guy literally come in with an eye patch.

Wow. But it wasn't. It was Tampa, but it wasn't. So I was like, oh, everyone's always coming in with like peg legs. One time I had a guy who would literally come in with an eye patch. Wow. But it wasn't. It was Tampa, but it wasn't. So I was like, oh, are you doing like the thing? Are you trying to pretend that you didn't love that? I was very excited about it. I asked if I could sign under the eye, but. Did you do any hard R's?

All right. But yeah, there's always something. Hey, the Strawberry Fest is in town or whatever. And you're like, God. And then it is like their main thing. Yeah. They're like, oh, for fuck's sake, you're going to go pick strawberries.

And then it's like, why can't you pick strawberries and then come to the show? I know. Or like I went to St. Louis or somewhere I went and they were having like an old fashioned car thing. I'm like, you can't look at cars and then come to a show. Right, right. Yeah.

And they always say it to help you when you don't sell tickets. They're like, well, it's not you. It's, you know, Comic-Con is here or the kids. What do you call those? Beauty pageant with the little kid. Those are hot. You're like, yeah, that doesn't conflict at all.

Yeah, no counter cross-culture here. No, I wish my agents would do that. That would be awesome to give me. Like, I just go there and then the owner will tell me. And I'm like, okay, at least you're not mad at me. right they're always nice well it's july everybody's out of the boat you know there's always some excuse they're mad i feel like they're mad if i don't feel like they're like so pissed at me they'll be like well i'm like fuck you where's your marketing exactly when i started comedy you would go to a club it'd be full and then you'd leave they didn't know who you were

and it was fine and then they take out of And it was fine. And then they take out of your, if you look at the breakdown, they take out of your expenses like $600 for like promotions. Yeah. Where? I know. And then what if you're a sellout? Like what if you're a draw? Yeah, exactly.

Where's that $600 going? Give me that. I know. Well, here we are. Money phone. Guys, if you want to know the insides of what our contracts are. Wait, so Mark, are you actually like literally on tour right now as the special just came out? Yeah, I don't know what that means when people say, are you on tour?

Okay, well like are you? Yeah, I've never been off tour. Yeah, exactly. But because that seems so, like you said, so difficult. You just burned like your hour. Oh yeah. What are you doing up there? It's about 20 minutes of stuff.

I got some stuff that I kind of had on the back burner. Right. And then 30 of like, so black people are late. You know, just like trying to, and Filipinos apparently. I feel like we should call Crowd Work back burner, back Hannah burner. Ooh. She's taking it over. I like it.

I like it. But I will say that is a fear of mine too, because I've like the idea of having to go out with all new stuff. But do you like announce this is new? I feel like Taylor Thomason does that she's like come see me work stuff out that's like I'm gonna do that every time guys this is my first time ever doing these jokes I'm so proud of you it's a killer hour but you're like I'm working it out I'm just that good yeah so you got to say that up top and I think some people like it they're like oh he's got the

notes up there or whatever but I think most people are like, you know, I paid a little, a little. I have a, I have a guy who he comments on every time I go to Philly. He like, he's like, she brought notes out. It was like 2014. It was like my first headlining gig I'd ever done. Yeah.

He's like, she brings notes out. Don't go. I'm like, come on, man. Really? I'm like,

come on, give me a break, motherfucker. Give me a break. What's up with these losers? These Reddit queefs. But you know, when you like know them,

they're there so often. You're like, how do I recognize you? And you're like, do you love me or do you hate me? I know. Why are you still around? You're like,

still like, you haven't left me. All you do is criticize me but you know every single thing about me. You know more about me than my father. It is weird when I know

them by their name though there was one guy that like, he kept bothering, like he would give too like detailed, he would say things like, he said like, I liked Annie so much more when she lived in her car like she was so much

before she like had a boyfriend i was like you want me to like be like miserable suffering starving to death exactly and then i like got mad at him once and then he was like you shouldn't know my name i was like ron he's like how do you know my name but now he like comes to my shows i'm like ron's here ron's gonna kill you one day but then no ron will kill me and then he turns on me again i'm like now that i fucking have acknowledged you can't turn on me again yes he's like the selena fan club guy you know i mean hester don't act like we don't have some no but that's so funny that your own fan was like why do you know my name that was the perfect answer that's the best comeback ever like i want to say that to someone one day.

You shouldn't know me. Never a good sign, too. We'll do live shows for Tuesdays with Stories, and we're like, oh, that guy's here again. We know our whole audience. Yeah. Not good. I mean, we're glad you come, but it's a little embarrassing.

Well, how do you feel about people that come multiple times in the weekend? That is the worst. Well, it's just like, I want to do new material. I'm like, I have like, it's psychotic but i'm like i want everyone to have like a completely unique experience of course of course so it's like when they come you're like fuck i'm just gonna redo i don't want to put those things in the same order totally takes the magic out of it they're like oh i see behind the curtain now because it kind of a joke has to be a surprise yeah like oh i know where this is going and they always say no i get it but they're not laughing

yeah i'm like fuck you yeah we need you we're feeding off you yeah i feel like um i went to she told me that i can't mention this but i have to mention it every episode i went to the nickelback concert whoa and uh it was monumental i can't help it you just saw taylor swift and you're bringing up nickelback well because taylor swift doesn't have this problem okay what is so the the issue that nickelback has is the opposite of us, where they, the fans only want the hits. They don't want any new stuff, so they have to sneak new stuff in, and everyone's, like, so bored and sitting down in their seats

and, like, looking at their phones. And then with us, it's like, I mean, it would be heaven to be able to do this. It would be heaven. But it wouldn't. I don't think you would enjoy it, though. But you could pull them out. Like, to be able to pull out, like, a bit you know has been killing for 15 years okay so i have an alternate point of view on this and i don't know if this is where i stand i just want to present it but like all right jonah hill with the therapy talk i would an alternate point of view i was um

i recently did a show in i think it was Raleigh or Atlanta or one of those places. But like afterwards, these girls came up to me and they were like, wait, we're so upset you didn't do the dog fetish bit. And I was like, what? Because I, so I started posting. This is exciting. I started posting like some of my material as clips and I've been so insecure about it. I'm like, I can't do those bits. Like people have seen it.

And Dave keeps telling me like, nobody cares, do it. And then for that to happen where they're like, no, we want to see what you posted. That's very exciting. And you're doing God's work. That means we're changing what they want. And if that is what they want that I can give that, I can deliver.

I can deliver already written jokes that I know work. Yes, exactly. It's writing the new material. That's the hard stuff. But I feel like it's okay to do that as long as you don't hesitate beforehand and deliver it weird because you feel weird about it. Because I had my Kanye Yeezy bit that did really well online and then I feel guilty doing it.

But sometimes it just comes up like someone's wearing Yeezys and I want to go into it. And if I do it where I feel weird and like guilty or something it doesn't do as well totally but if i go like deliver like they've never heard it anyways as well no yeah you have to sell it like like with everything i mean do you ever do repeats or have people come up to you and be like why didn't you do this yeah but i don't trust them because it's always one guy or two guys you know and they don't speak for the whole audience so i think if you just play like all new they're happy yeah but it was at. So I think if you just play like all new, they're happy. Yeah.

But it was at least encouraging that like for me, like I can, I feel like I can post clips of some things and still do them. Agreed. Clips is one thing. A special I think is different, but a clip. Yeah. Although like, yeah, sometimes like a topic like will come up.

That's something I did in my special and I'll just throw it out. Yeah. If it pops into your head in the moment or whatever. Is anybody getting this? Some guy driving a truck going, all right. It's always weird how people get in a relationship and they look shittier. I'm like, so now the person you love has to deal with your disgusting. How disgusting you are. Yeah. Well, I look at Todd and I'm like, now I never, I never care about like what he eats or anything. And now that we're getting married,

I'm like, you are not going to be like a bald fat guy. There you go. Good for you. I won't allow it. And I just smack the taco out of his hand. Yeah. I get the shit out of him.

Yeah. You hear that Lizzo? That's right, Lizzo. And I make him eat the banana out of my asshole. Oh no. I like that scenario to me is like, there's no, there's no way it was bad.

No, there's no way. Come on. And also we got into rock and roll. It's fun. You know, what are you go be an accountant if you don't want to eat a banana out of someone's snatch.

I was talking to Fahim last night at the store and he had a good point. He was like, we've all been sitting on these Lizzo fat jokes, but we're like, I don't want to be mean. But now it's like, all right, unleash the beast. Good stuff. Somebody had a great line. They said,

I'd stand by Lizzo, but there's no room. I love that joke. Is that a tweet or on stage? It's on stage. It's not gonna... Nah, it's a written. That's a horrible when you do... Okay, sorry, we're going back into comedy. No, I can talk comedy all day. It's hard to not talk comedy.

What else are we going to talk about? Your wife. When did you get married? November 11th, 2022. I remember the date because it was the day my soul left my body. No, yeah, it was in New Orleans. It was a perfect night. She killed it.

She planned the whole thing. It was awesome. You just had to show up? I just had to show up. It was a perfect night. She killed it. She planned the whole thing. It was awesome. You just had to show up? I just had to show up. I did shrooms. Did you? Yeah. I was thinking how fucked up I want to be on my wedding.

It helps because it's comics and family. It's worlds colliding and it's emotions, you know, and I'm not good with that. So I took some shrooms, which might have been a mistake because I was at the altar and she looked like Artie Lange. Her face was all warped. You were never harder. Yeah, exactly. I'm marrying the wrong person. I do love Artie Lange. Her face was all warped. You were never harder. Yeah, exactly. I'm marrying the wrong person. I do love Artie Lange.

Artie Lange is a king. He's the best. Do you have any sense of what you do want to have for your wedding? No, I really like, I just want no pressure and fun. Rock star. In my family, like whatever. Is that your drink? Rock, no, Monster.

Monster. Monster. No, I do Five Hour Energies. Oh, wow. You're an animal. Yeah. How do you do it Rock? No, Monster. Monster. Monster. No, I do a five-hour energy. Oh, wow. You're an animal. Yeah. How do you do it? You must be shitting blood.

Yeah. All right. See? No, I like to shit blood. It feels good. Makes me feel alive. If there's no blood on my toilet seat, what am I doing? You got a bidet?

Of course. I did my first bidet a week ago and man, it is life-changing. It's amazing. Amazing. And they make them very affordable. I can't, sorry. They really do. Yeah.

You can do a range of them. There's one in here. There's like a nice like Japanese toilet in there. I'll be shitting. Like you can pick what color you want the lights to be in the water. Damn. Yeah. My shit comes out purple.

I do it blue. So it comes out purple. I was once staying in an Airbnb that had a toilet that when you walked up to it it would lift the lid and i was like i don't know how i'm ever gonna go back to life without this and without the toilet acknowledging your presence yeah and then i realized my toilet at home the lid is always lifted like this isn't a service i need it's so stupid but like i got used to it it feels good seeing it go up like yeah if you ever worry like the wind will blow and you'll fall into it? Table flush yet? We don't have a windy

indoor situation. I want to remake I want to remake the inner space with you. What's that? Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be good?

Great idea. What is that? It was Martin Short Quaid Dennis Dennis Quaid Not Randy.

Who I partied Randy my favorite Quaid but I have partied with Dennis Quaid. Really? Yes, and it's a great story. He's a hunk. So he gets shrunk down, and then he gets ingested by Martin Short.

So he's like in his body, but he's like a tiny. Wait, I want that. There it is. You could be either Martin. You could play either character, honestly. It's like the magic school bus. Yeah, it is. Remember that?

It's a magic school bus for adults. Yeah. Fun. Ooh, it's like Honey, I Shrunk My... Oh, yeah. My Lunch. A lot of shrinking in the 80s. It was.

Weird. Never noticed that before. Now all shrinks. Yeah. Therapy joke. I like it. Wait, so Mark, have um seen any taylor swift concerts lately no i can't afford it uh i don't i don't care for the music i'm i'm impressed with her

i just it doesn't connect with me i'm a heterosexual 39 year old i will say to i went to the concert there were like boyfriends there. I did not see any true straight men like with their bros going to the concert, which I was surprised. I thought she transcended. Really? Like Nate Bergazzi loves Taylor Swift. Yeah. So, yeah, they're out there.

But he has a daughter and a wife. So it could be the daughter involvement. But I was so impressed by her. I felt like sad I didn't know more of the lyrics she did 44 songs wow and i know like two two songs really well that i really like and i realized i don't even know the lyrics to that and it was like oh you feel like such a loser everyone knows i know it's it's bizarro land but when you're there you're in her world and it's like you are the loser i mean every single year she went with

nikki glaser which i can't even imagine nikki knew everything did nikki have like a sign nikki was trying to be like the little girl she gives the hat to yeah she should have been um no nikki just like it was so funny to watch her just truly know every single word. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes we're faced with crossroads in life and we don't know which path to take. That happens to me all the time. I'm always in some, what do I do, liminal space. Look, we have annoying friends. We have friends, we talk about this on this episode. We have people that are negative or take a long time on the phone. And therapy has been an indispensable part of my life. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. And also like BetterHelp has this really cool journal feature, which I love where I'm able to kind of put down my thoughts in between my appointments and I can bring them up with my therapist on our next appointment. So I love that feature. Also, like the best part about it is that if you don't vibe with a therapist, which happens a lot, by the way, and it's no fault, no fault of theirs or yours. Sometimes it's just not a match. It's that easy to switch. I know there's so many times I've just gone back to people because it's like too awkward. Right. But BetterHelp makes it very, very easy. Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Trash Tuesday. Guys, we're busy. Not only are we

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try delicious dietitian approved calorie smart meals with around or less than 550 calories per second i tried to have the weight the the the scale to weigh out my food i'm it's just not for me it's not going to happen so i can't personally count my own macros that is um something i will never do in this lifetime it's not worth my time it's not worth my life and so factor doing it for me is what's up head to factor meals dot com slash trash 50 and use code trash 50 to get 50 off that's code trash 50 at factor meals dot com slash trash 50 to get 50 after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers if we've learned anything it's that there's always a catch so when

i heard that for a limited time all mint Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel. George is a busy guy. He takes the most business calls.

And the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with plans starting at $15 a month. And all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. That is such a steal. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday.

Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. But your comments, I don't know if you've read yours you should never read them why it's wild just oh man she looks like a kid that take that diaper pull it to the side yeah it's not

saying they can't be that overt about it but they really they do think they've discovered you like in a daycare center like that is not true this hottie toddy this hot toddler she's definitely doesn't have pubes you know she's got a hymen all kinds of stuff yeah that i regret writing she's a spinner she's a spinner size they can't help themselves yes oh my god that's not true you guys stop i don't that's the one thing i don't have i don't have the girl little girl thing a lot Guys? Stop. That's the one thing I don't have. I don't have the little girl thing. A lot of guys love that young toddler girl thing. Oh, my God.

I hope not a lot, but they do follow Esther. I've never. No, you finally. No, I'm telling you, in the past two years, you now look like you're in your 20s. Thank you. Before, I was like, they need to be on a fucking list. It really was like, you looked so 20s before it was like i was like they need to be on a fucking list like it really was like you looked so young and it was weird but now i'm like i i let them i'm go you can have outer it's just so weird because people always trust that you're not doing anything

bad always say this to me and i've literally never been with anyone who's like let's like play that up like no one wants really yes yeah oh i assume the whole thing yeah no dates were at a playground you're having a pre-sun they spike her like little like juice box yeah yeah exactly have some flintstones like a little juice box a little juice box a squeezer a little liquid comes out i identify they go on a date they just shake their keys in your face. Hey, there you go. I mean, see, the sad thing is I would love that. Like a date at a playground sounds so fun. No one wants that. You do like to be baby.

That is funny. I know. No guy wants that. No one, because they look like pedophiles. Yeah, they want it. Because you look so little. Like if they were to do that, like Dave would probably carry you around in a baby Bjorn. Oh, that would be fun.

He would never do that. That's a head shot. Or you're naked, Oh, that'd be fun. Never do that. You're naked, but she's naked. Yeah. And going out. What? What do you mean? Pass a fire.

The whole thing. Cradle, stroll. You in a stroller would be fun. This is unfair. What is it like? We changed the subject. Married to a fellow stand-up comedian?

It's good and bad. It helps because you can have a dialogue about it. Yeah, I can steal her jokes. That's a good premise, but I kind of am the one with the... I can do the menstruation. I'm on tour, baby. Let's go. Yeah. It's good because you can have a dialogue about comedy.

We all have talked about comedy. You can do that with her, so she gets everything. It's not like, who? What's a Comedy Central Presents? What's a tag you know she understands everything but then it's also like to explain what your credits are yeah what's a premium blend uh but yeah then but then it's hard because she's on the road i'm on the road and uh we're all trying to we're sitting at dinner like are you gonna use that oh i really yeah wait that's actually so fun that you're actually sitting at dinner and coming up with bits to the point where you have to divvy them up. Oh, yeah.

No, that's so annoying. Are you kidding? It's the worst. It's been the worst. It's like someone kind of like has the premise and then the other one does the punchline and then you're like, no, no, no. Or then like when you see your ex and they're like still doing your punchlines And you're going And they're getting Like the best And you're going Oh I want to tell people

That was mine Yeah that's true I want to tell people I did that Or you're having sex And something silly happens And we're both kind of like Yeah

I'm going to take that That whole queef chunk Like she queefed But I thought of it The chunk comes out Yeah A little baby arm comes out The old miscarriage That's what I call her out. The old miscarriage.

That's what I call her. From marriage to miscarriage. Ooh, that's great. A good special. Yeah. Esther? We're on the race towards it. We have to fight.

We have to fight over our premises. You guys want kids? Is that in the cards? It's in the freezer. I got them nice and frozen up. I got some quarter Asian. She has four boys. Four quarter Asian boys.

Nice. Oh, is he Asian? Yeah, he's half Asian. I never thought I'd see the day. I'm lucky, believe it. I'm bringing Asians back. Wow. Well done there, Shang Wang.

Shang Wang is cute. Y'all, funny guy. Yeah, he's hilarious. Great comic. Cool dude. He's kind of got a little swag. He does, isn't he? Hears like all along now.

I saw him in Montreal, and he was doing jokes about turnips, like smashing, doing these jokes about it. I'm like, God, I wish I could be one of those. Yes, I just wish I could be one of those. He's talking about green onions, and he's just destroying, leveling the place. I'm like, fuck. Yeah, he's's great he's got a bit about salmon it's the only color like salmon's a color like i have a salmon shirt he's like it's the only color based on the inside

of an animal and you're like yeah that is scary and it's like i don't know if he smokes pot or just gives vibes of smoking pot like it's like he took like high ideas and made them right right classics we just had whitney on the podcast and she's pregnant right now and i feel like that all vibes of smoking pot. Like it's like he took like high ideas and made them. Right, right. Classics. We just had Whitney on the podcast and she's pregnant right now. And I feel like that all gave us like a little bit of baby fever. Does that ever happen for guys? Is it as contagious? I get abortion fever.

But it's like Sarah Tolomash, Rosebud, Whitney. A lot of people are getting preggo. It's the season. It's really bringing likealls back, too. Yeah, yeah. To me, that looks like the worst thing you'd want to wear when you have to pee a lot. Ooh, good point.

Like a onesie, but I guess I don't know. But you got your first three minutes. Hey, I'm trying to kill it. I didn't want to keep it. Hey, I'm not going to keep it. You know, whatever it is. So you got like three minutes. Like, oh, I'm crowning.

We better hurry this up. Yeah, exactly yeah exactly rosebud we did a fully loaded and she you know it's 18 000 people and she would just walk out and be like don't worry i'm not keeping it yeah oh my god kills do you kills the baby right yeah obviously wait do you feel like you want kids i i want the 25 year old at dinner at thanksgiving and we can all get along but i don't want the sleepless nights the shitting the grades the school projects the all that shit the uh period oh isn't that good that you're the dad yeah you really don't have to have any of it that's true i know i feel like it's interesting that it's good i feel like ali wong did us all service by doing like her pregnancy specials because before that i just remember thinking like wow having like a kid as

a female comic sucks and having a kid as a male comic is like like career change all this material you're now relating to the world and then i and i always felt like it was like uneven but now i think it's good point yeah wong Yeah. Wong did two pregnant specials. Schumer did one. Povitsky did a pregnant thing. Pazitsky. What? Pazitsky.

Sorry. A lot of Polacks around here. I've never known the difference. Isn't that funny? I've been calling you the wrong name all the time. You didn't even notice what he said? Christina P. Yeah.

She does us the service. And Esther does a little Esther for us. Yeah. Whitney's going to do one too. Yeah. Of course us the service. And Esther does little Esther for us. Yeah. Whitney's going to do one too. Yeah. No, it's now it truly is a trend. I kind of love it. Yeah.

We need a first man pregnant special. It's coming. My fiance does look like the pregnant man. Speaking of pregnant men. Here comes Delilah. Oh my God. Walk of shame. Look at her.

Walk of shame. at her walk of shame where were whose bed were you I'm gonna have to have a work with you whose bed were you in I wasn't in anyone's bed you're dressed like

you had to throw on your merch shirt to get here you got a thing in your hair it's cum it's cum whose cum is it we took that out of her hair

there you go it looks like the playboy bunny sticker that I want for my no I honestly thought we were starting at one. I'm so sorry. I should have sent an extra reminder. I almost did.

No, it's my fault. It's my fault, my fault. It's all my fault. I'm so happy. Still got here before one. You're good. You're early. I love when other people are late.

It's like my favorite thing in the world. This is not an intentional late, though. This is like I really thought... My lates aren't intentional. What's up, guys? what are we talking about talking about prego comedians i don't i didn't get any baby fever from from it wasn't like baby fever from whitney but it was like if this person is having a baby because she seemed last time i talked to her she was like it would be archaic for me to have a baby right so i was like okay we're not having kids and, she was like, it would be archaic for me to have a baby. Right. So I was like, okay, we're not having kids.

And then she's like pregnant. I'm like, fuck, are we having kids? Right. God damn it, Whitney, what the hell? And that's going to be the strongest baby ever because the Percocets and the propofol that that baby's fighting off in the womb, dodging like the Matrix. No, that's a sober baby. That's a sober baby. No, you're right.

I think I'm going to, well, I told the girls that I was probably just going to settle for like a truck, a guy at a truck stop and just whatever. Knock it out. Yeah, whoever I banked out with first. The baby will travel. Whoever cream pies me effectively first is the baby I'm going to. Now I, okay, so. Wait, I like that term, effective cream pie. Yeah, effective, because not all cream pies are effective. There's slow motility.

Some of the sperms are broken neck. It's like you want it With pulp Not without With pulp Oh my god You're right Have you ever Checked your sperm No

But I've gotten Two girls pregnant In my day Fuck yeah I think I'm okay You're good Cool Couple of borscht

Yeah yeah that's right We talked about this You paid for three or two Three In my day And you only And you were The father of only two

Yeah One was like A wayward sister Right right It was just some three in my day. And you were the father of only two? Yeah. One was like a wayward sister. Right, right. It was just some black guy outside. I was like, I got it. And do you offer immediately? Are you like, hey, I got this?

Or is it? You offer because you want to be a gentleman, but you're secretly like, I need this to happen. Right. So I'll pay for it. I'll make sure that money's not like an issue. And do you go with them and you give them like porridge after? Porridge? Well, my sister makes the best abortion porridge.

Abortion porridge sounds like the meat that comes out. It does. You do add it on top. No, but she does. She makes this like really, it's kind of like a roscaldo, but it's really good. I know you were kidding, but you know how people eat like the placenta yeah does anyone eat their fetus is that what annie and i want you guys to go on reddit sam triplies reddit and figure that out wait a second but do you are you there throughout the whole process are you like following up i'm following up make sure

i'll do the uber there you go sister but when i did it was pre-uber so uh it was in what if you were driving but you made them get in the back like as if it was an uber yeah but uh two are in new york so you know it's a walking city so wait what is the pill the pill just is supposed to go in and just kill it uh yeah but you have oh it it was excruciating for me i hear the worst things about the abortion pill. It really causes, it forces contractions. So it's a really- Oh, you have to deliver the baby?

That's so sad. Basically, yeah. What? It basically feels, at least for me, I don't know. I think some girls, it works, you know, I don't usually get period cramps. So the feeling of cramps is not, it feels like period cramps times 10. Yeah. And you're just sitting there waiting for it to pass and you look down you're like i think that's it but it i wonder if getting

kicked in the balls and period cramps feel the same yeah i wish i could just have balls one second to know what it feels like worst feeling i got hit in the balls uh i posted on my instagram and it was a football right to the balls. I was out for a half hour. Really? You feel it in your stomach. It's really bad. You got like nauseous kind of? You get nauseous. You get like waves of pain.

It's brutal. I felt like a lady. I had a heating pack on me. I was eating ice cream. Wait, where does the pain travel to? Like in your abdomen? Yeah, it goes up. It like hits the intestines.

I don't know because it's all connected. Do you feel like you have to shit? No, not really But it won't go away It lingers That pain I feel so bad I was such a ball puncher

In middle school My brothers I kicked my brother In the balls so bad Do you think if you had balls You'd be safe You punched men in the balls That was pretty stupid

Not men Yeah just Not men Yeah We were flirting We were flirting Are you serious Yeah guys flick each other

in the balls balls are always getting it's so sensitive it's a perfect target it also yeah it's a fucking it looks exactly like the speed bat

but wouldn't you be kind of afraid that there's like something sexual about that well they were all guys I had crushes on oh really

yeah get some dick in there it's in front of the balls it was my first hand job technically yeah right my first true hand job was much more brutal than that.

Oh, those are the worst. They probably would have been like the teenage, just like, but you're happy someone's touching your penis. That's true. My handjobs are still brutal. I'm terrible at handjobs. It's just a means to getting going forward. I've never learned.

Can't you just go to the mouth? We're at that age. We're still doing handjobs? What are we doing here? Yeah, because I have TMJ and I have nasal valve collapse. So when I give blowjobs, I can't breathe. I could die giving a blowjob. So I have to use the hands.

And then she'd be all rigor mortis like Did you see Bo is Afraid when... I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, there's like a scene where someone gets like they die like fucking and they're in rigor mortis in like a banging position. And it's someone that you've always wanted to see topless. Oh, nice.

It's a female you've always wanted to see topless. I'm not going to give it away, but it's exciting. So what, do you get to breathe right? That might help. So I use those, but then I had to stop using them because they bruise my nose. So I have this like... Is there a nasal CPAP you could do?

No, I'm supposed to get it fixed. Apparently they get a hot blowjob ever. There's a nurse ready to just give you like chest compressions if you die. They get a piece of my ear and they use it to like

open up my valve. They have done that? No, they haven't done it yet. I keep waiting because I don't want to be out for six weeks. You'd look cute though with like a little

bruised up nose. Yeah, but then it's just going to look like I got a nose job. But you would if you were doing that. You'd look cute though with like a little bruised up nose. Yeah, but then it's just going to look like I got a nose job. But you would if you were doing that. You wouldn't just trim it up a little too?

No, they don't do that. I would. If something was going on Her nose is perfect. My insurance paid for it. You wouldn't notice. Okay, good nose jobs you don't notice.

She does not need a nose job. That would be a nightmare. She has a perfect nose. Thanks. That's a shame because you got some DSLs out of your food. I mean, those lips Are made for sucking

And the teeth are very like Oh my god They seem like perfect Like lightest scrape Just the lightest Yeah like a nibble On the head But they're nurse shark teeth

They have no My dentist Shaved down my incisors When I was 15 Without my permission Whoa So I have nurse shark teeth They cause no injury

To penis So you're built for beach Thank you But apparently She's a beach babe Yeah when I was 15 without my permission. So I have nurse shark teeth. They cause no injury to penis. So you're built for beach. Thank you. But apparently not the noobs. And the TMJ doesn't help. So that's where that really horrible hand talk comes in. And then the only way to help the TMJ is to get Botox and then your muscles aren't strong enough to...

Yeah, I'm... What a waste. I'm a lost lover. Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing. Damn, it's like a really hot gay guy. Like all these girls like him, but he just hates clam. It happens constantly, by the way. Yeah, that's because lesbians I find, this is going to get ugly.

But I find lesbian guys aren't really, you know, they're short hair, flannel, boots, you know. But gay guys are smoke shows. They're all ripped. They're all like short hair boots flannel yeah yeah so that sucks for the ladies that you're like these gorgeous men are all also you're talking about a type of like you're talking about like butch lesbians and then so like the gay guy you're talking about is like a butcher gay guy too it's like they're like a clip of that type of lesbian is like a guy and like tight sweet sequent. Right, right. That's a good point. Be like.

Yeah, because I love half gay boys. I love boys that have been with other boys at some point, but I'm not attracted to the super like coiffed hair. Oh, okay. Gay man. I need him to be a little bit more disheveled and dirty. Like, you know, that type. Even more.

I think they're called otters yes you know you're like a little hairy thin not too big like there's bears and there's otters yeah you're definitely an otter wait am i an otter you're more of like a muskrat little we could use do experiments on you. You crawl in. Yeah. These are otters. Wait, Mark, have you done that?

I've done the two-guy girl. Shut up. I'm not college was one. Come on. Yeah, and I've done the two-girl guy. I think most guys have done the two-guy girl for sure. Yeah, that's right. We're friends.

What? Yeah, side-by-side worldwide. I remember, like, I think it's more of like the community college hang when it's like you bang like in the hotel room together yeah they're not like you're just banging next to you don't really have a choice because your friends are there you don't have money for another room and then you're like all right one person starts banging like what are we gonna just say yeah then she starts blowing the other guy and now it's on i don't understand like where was i during the where were you you were outside

the dropkick murphy concert crying you're on the phone with your parents explaining why you're not in the threesome why did you invite me to the threesome oh my god that's crazy like and is that like a fun memory it probably feels like a threesome because every guy is like so much bigger than you. Annie. Two people against one. Do you feel like you can't believe you did that? Like, was it fun? Do you want to do it again?

No, I got it out of the system. But, you know, it was college. Everybody was wild. If your wife was like, it's our 10th anniversary. It's time. No, I wouldn't want to do another guy with the wife. Oh, another guy. Oh, another girl. to do another guy with the wife oh another girl that would no another guy would be like crazy yeah that'd be weird i mean adam 22 is is eating his

words oh oh he's so sad now he's so salty about it i don't blame him after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers if we've learned anything it's that there's always a catch so when i heard that for a limited time all mint mobile wireless plans are 15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan i thought where's the catch but after talking to them it all made sense there isn't one mint mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online they don't have retail stores or salespeople instead they deliver premium phone plans directly to you as you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel. George is a busy guy. He takes the most business calls and the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring

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New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Wait, what's going on with Adam? He had like a black guy for his wife's birthday or for their anniversary. He had a black guy.

Is this the no jumper thing? Yeah. And now he's like, he's pissed about it because the guy like wasn't respectful. It's like he's not going to be respectful. Disrespectful in what way though? Was he just like. I think he just banged her out too hard and then he was maybe talking shit a little bit. And he's a huge guy.

Yeah, he's huge. Big giant book collector with gold chains. Imagine she brought just like an emo, like a black guy with his regular penis. Wait, did she choose the guy or did he choose him for her? Hold on. I thought the story was that

this couple does porn together and then they decided that she was going to do a porn with a different man and the husband was like, thought it was great and cool. It was his present to her. Okay. And then all of his friends and all these people on podcasts are like,

why did you do that? And he like kind of got embarrassed that he let that happen. Of course. Well, he, the guy wasn't like nice and respectful about it. Is that true? Yeah, I mean, I get. Respectful to her, not to him though. No, about him.

No, no, no. He was like talking shit. About the husband? Yeah. I didn't know that. Which is hilarious. I get I mean respectful to her not to who though no about him no no no he was like talking shit oh about the husband yeah I didn't know that which is hilarious that's how you want it to end

you want the guy to be like you let me fuck your wife bitch haha right what am I gonna be nice yeah let me be like oh thank you sir he fucks everyone

I would hire Brad Williams that would be my go to see we recently got a question from a fan or someone was approached by a couple they approached a man asking if he would fuck the wife and let the husband watch okay he was like he didn't want to do it if you were single would you do that be unicorned into a relationship would you fuck someone's wife while they watch i think so yeah really yeah i think so like in florida on a

gig i would do that but then it's like yeah as long as I don't have to touch the guy I had I used to always get on the road when I was single I would get so many um random couples like regular looking couples that would send me like they'd hit you up through Facebook does regular mean not hot not unhot like once you see them the pictures they send you go that's person's hot i didn't realize they were hot right but like teachers and shit like just regular jobs i think so many people in the middle states when we travel like they get married so young that they become freaks yes early on exactly and um it was always just so crazy i never would do it i feel like some comics out but i'm just like i don't i don't know

i don't want them to have i would want them to sign an nda or something i don't want them to have that story about okay that's what i wanted to ask you have you ever had a girl sign an nda have you ever had anyone sign an nda before um doing anything sexual with them no because i recently drafted an nda really for somebody and i was wait, is this a bad move? Only because I don't know. I'm a little bit insecure about the internet. That's so celebrity

vibes of you. Congratulations. Hang on, can I read my NDA to you? Oh my god. Is this allowed? I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is the juiciest thing I've ever done. It's like three sentences long. Wait, I'll I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is the juiciest thing I've ever heard. Oh no, it was a really quick, it's like three sentences long. Wait, I'll have to find it.

So talk amongst yourself. Okay. So disappointing. Now guys that hang out with you are like, wait, I don't. Yeah. You don't care. It was kind of half jokey,

but basically it says, I blank name willfully agree to never speak of, change narrative or mention any relation, sexual or not, with Kalilah. I hereby give full confidence to Kalilah, the retelling of our sexual rendezvous, for her to share all forms of her creative storytelling in all its forms here and after our consensual. This is not an NDA. This is you getting like a contract signed so you can use the story. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, but they can Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, but they can't, right? That's pretty good. Is that? I think a guy would be fine with that. He wasn't. Oh. What?

No. What did Matt Rife say? He wasn't. He said, I reserve the right to tell my friends if I'm excited about a girl. You can tell a friend. I can't stand it. Okay, so I had this like hot New Zealand guy in my audience. I've excited about a girl and I can't stand it I had okay so I had this like hot New Zealand guy in my audience I've talked about this a little bit he was so hot that I was like I'm like I've never

been like I'm gonna fuck an audience member but it was like I mean he was just so hot that I was like I might have to so I was kind of like joking flirting with him from the stage and then afterwards he was like okay what's up let's go you know and I was like no I don't know I don't think so because I just didn't try I don't know i don't want him like writing about me online and it's really it's so different being a girl like well i just don't want him like yeah it's like

and then everyone's coming to the shows like i travel alone a lot of times it's like i don't want them thinking they can fuck me or whatever sure sure so then and then i was like yeah i don't know man i i don't know if i'm i'm down and then i did an instagram live and all of these like dudes were on there like are you gonna bang my friend i was like but then i did an instagram live and all of these like dudes were on there like are you gonna bang my friend i was like but then he begged me he was like please and i was like all right oh you did it yeah oh nice i love that what i found so fun what's a hot guy to you uh he was just i mean literally so like ripped tall dark he was from he was um i can't believe you said ripped.

Yeah, he was so different. He was so fucking. He's from New Zealand? Yeah. Is he Maori? Yeah. Oh. He was so fucking hot.

He was like a professional athlete. He was so hot. Of course, Annie, you had to. I could not, I'd resisted for a while, but then it was hot because he was begging me. So I was like. Ooh wee, anyone else hard? Yeah.

Good. No, but it's like, but it's so different it's like but it's so different like guys it's like you guys are you know when you're single or whatever you can fuck every girl well it's tough because a lot of female comics like oh it's so unfair women don't get hit on blah blah blah but then when women do get hit on they're like i don't know this is weird guys are creeps and i'm like which one is it ladies do you want to get hit on or you don't want to i don't think it's unfair that you that i think it's just it's not it's not, it's not, like, unfair. It's just, like, it's weird for me to fuck the audience.

Yeah, we're different. And it's totally normal for guys to fuck the audience. It's not, like, and I don't think it's unfair. It's just, like, different. I agree. Because it's, like, I mean, imagine, like, you can go to Annie Letterman shows and she'll suck your dick. Like, imagine what my shows become if, like, Reddit was, like become if like Reddit was like I banged her, I banged her,

I banged her, it would be insane. Yeah, agreed. You want to like break that seal? Uh oh. Sell out a world tour. Oh, thank you.

My jaw would hurt so bad. Oh God, what's going on here? This is so... Pre-pussied. Oh, great. One's been in the asshole you have to pick. Ah, smells like Esther.

I know Esther's asshole when I smell it. Baby powder? Daper ash cream? What, you don't like ripped? No. Me neither. We don't like ripped. Like chubby.

Chubby. No, I like chubby too too but it's like when you get a guy that's just like smoking fucking hot okay here's here's a deal if he's if he's naturally just genetically predisposed oh not someone that's just like been pumping but not a guy who's just a gym bro out no way i feel like my middle school like my middle school, like my middle school, high school flame, my like on and off again was so like genetically ripped and hot that it's like I am. Like my mom. My mom doesn't really need to work out and she's just ripped. My uncles are the same way.

She's genetically gifted, right? But if it's a dude with, you know, spends eight hours at the gym, really counts as macros, I'm out. Got it. Boiled chicken in a Tupperware oh yeah that guy's annoying yeah yeah what is weird

it's like what are you doing and like are you competing is this your thing well if you're in competition sure that's one thing but if dudes just do this yeah but I'm like not I don't want to go to like

my boyfriend's like muscle competition he's like at a Speedo and shit it's like it really is pretty gay it's super gay and there's so much like

fake it's like spray tan like not like getting a It's like, it really is pretty gay. It's super gay. And there's so much like fake, it's like spray tanner. Like not like getting a spray tan, like they're rubbing tanner. Oh no, the tanners that they use, it's like, it's black body. Yeah. They use like 10 times darker than it should be. I think like any like sign that men acknowledge their own looks is like a weird turn off. Like how? Just like men that care

about what they look like. I don't like that. I do like guys with style though. I used to always date skaters because I feel like they just have an automatic style. A lot of them. But I like this younger generation. Like the boys with the nail polisher stuff i think is

actually pretty hot really i do some necklaces on them but it depends but they have to have like really good bodies oh wow and they have to read masculine in other ways got it there's a guy on the bachelorette who knits and it's like i'm like he's got to be doing it for pussy yeah he's so hot it's like come on will you look this guy up so hot. Why can't he just have a hobby of knitting? Because, and then things are unfolding where he's like a cheater. It's like, yeah, you're a cheater. Because he knits? You pull him up, he's so hot.

Yeah, because I feel like knitting on a really hot guy is like a high level. On a bachelor. There is some type of manipulation happening there. Interesting. Ladies, you're interesting. Because I know a kid in the 90s who would just carry a camera like on his neck and girls love the camera. And I'm like, who gives a shit about the camera? Like what about his face or his body?

But like the camera's hot. No, you're right. I recently went on a date with a guy who had a camera on his neck and he was instantly hotter because of it. It's weird. You gotta seem like standing up. He's like so hot.

Wait, what are you guys, really a camera makes a guy hotter? You see, that's why women are tough cause you're all different's like, what are you guys really? A camera makes a guy hotter. See, that's why women are tough. Cause you're all different. We can't, we can't figure you guys out. Xavier knits charity,

a blanket, like the sweetie. He is. He looks like nerdy there though. No, he's not. He's not. This is the guy.

He's you have to see he's, he's hotter. He's. Yeah. He's cute. He's hot. He's got Kalilah's lips. Teeth.

But he sucks dick. No, he doesn't. So he hot. He's got Kalilah's lips and teeth. But he sucks dick. No, he doesn't. So he turns out he's a cheater. He's not a... Yes, he is. Okay. He's on The Bachelor? He's on The Bachelorette.

Okay. Okay. This is a good season. This bitch is hilarious. Is this the black season? Yeah, but there's still a white... There's a white guy at the end. Oh, okay. And then the next season is their first golden bachelor. still a white guy at the end. Oh, okay.

And then the next season is their first golden bachelor. I can't wait for that one. I'm so excited. Esther's like, finally. Hilarious. My pace. Do they keep the same age female contestants? Yeah, I know.

That's so scary. No, but the women are only going to be like 40 or something. They're going to be like, we have that one and they're 42 or something. I literally want my mom to be on that show so bad. She's still with her dad, Esther. He's 80. Well, this guy's 70. Is he 70, Annie?

Yeah, he's got a hearing aid. He has a hearing aid. And all the jokes are like he doesn't know what social media is. It's like so funny. No, you know what else I want them to do after this spinoff is like kind of like our age. Because The Bachelor was what, like 20s? They did do it once. They did 30s.

Yeah, they did Claire, this one chick, Claire Crawley. Oh, that was a disaster but that was a pandemic. And then she left

with a guy. Yeah. She was, she's like too old. She was just like, let's just leave and then they had to bring in like another person

to finish the season. Damn. So I don't have time to pretend I like all these guys. Yeah. What about Pacino just had a kid with a young lady and so did Mick Jagger. It's so weird. How old about Pacino? Just had a kid with a young lady

and so did Mick Jagger. It's so weird. How old is Pacino? Gotta be 80, 70. The kid's gonna be fucking so rich. At least they'll be provided for in that way. Kalilah had a really old dad that died when she was a teenager.

My dad died when I was a teenager, but he was 80 when he died. So he was born in 1924. Wow. He had me well into his 60s. Wow. But these guys are older than that and that's why she can't give good blowjobs it's true this is why her dad could never get hard well i just recently learned um from corinne and christina that guys can have you when you're

at home jerking yourself off you don't have to be fully hard to come you can be what i don't know about that apparently some dudes can be like just half chub and still come do guys like ever just tune into girls pockets and go like they've got this completely wrong we don't listen but i guess you're right you're not like i'm gonna go listen right we should because it's good insights for guys guys are so clueless on what you ladies are into. No, we literally have half male listeners. Okay, there you go. They should listen.

And we give, they learn nothing. Absolutely nothing. But that was a guy who couldn't get hard. He's like, trust me, guys can come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all that was. But no, you got to be rock hard to shoot a load. Really?

Because I think that their producer, Dan, is his name Dan? Who? He was, the guy in the room was like, that their producer, Dan, is his name Dan? Who? He was, the guy in the room was like, no, no, no, you're right.

Like, you can get a half chub and just come that way. Who's producer? I get some pre-jizz out, but I don't know. Christine and Corinne's. Oh, really?

Yeah, he was, he corroborated the story. He was like, you're right. I can't think of anything scarier in life than like a soft dick coming. Like that is, that is so nightmare.

Why do you get the reward when you haven't even? Like I hate everything about it. She needs it to stand up like the toilet seat. Right when you walk in, it goes up like a barn with an Amish guy. No, it's not. It's, yeah. Oh, soft, yeah. Soft dick is tough.

Even as a married guy, I hide the soft dick. Really? Yeah, it's a bummer. Nobody wants to see that. The turtle shell? Yeah, yeah. It's like an acorn in a bush. It's bad.

And you're full bush, right? Full bush, baby. I look like that plant over there. But yeah. And you don't mind the hairs going up the shaft? Those I might trim a little because, you know, you want all the shaft you can get. Yeah. But I also.

Just for optics, right? I walk out backwards too. I do a underwear on the junk and then walk out backwards. I don't want my asshole exposed either. Why not? It's got a hair and a gummy bear in there. Who knows? It's a mess.

Bull Bush is so funny. It's got a hair and a gummy bear in there. Who knows? It's a mess. Bull Bush is so funny. It's been to the movies. Yeah. It's running made his gore. That's an old reference. George Bush. A good time. A good time for politics. A fun time.

Fun time. Have you voted for Trump? I've never voted, actually. But i like this uh there's a couple interesting candidates out there that rfk's ripped yeah zaddy he's a dilf yeah but he's kind of sexy huh no but he's a kennedy there he is so hot is he look at his little bobby thing. Bobby Kennedy is so hot. Really? Yes. Now? So clueless. Now Annie! Do you think that Bobby was the hottest? I do, for sure. Yes. Not John?

No. What about JFK Jr.? He is really hot. I like how he yelled at his girlfriend too. I was like, ooh. They were fighting. I know the drama. I love all the fighting. I was like, oh my god, passion. The hottest candidate. Do you think he was banging her out on the plane when they... Annie! was a small plane no he was flying it no dick looked huge on the plane yeah that guy was driving this boat show he okay he is probably the hottest

kennedy but personality wise i'm gonna just predict the I love how Ted can cover up a murder I mean he could be the least like I don't know there's something about he like didn't really accomplish anything in his life and that's just like JFK Jr. like he killed him when he was going to but he launched

do you know this like George magazine he launched this like political sexy magazine and it kind of is embarrassing to me that he did that. Oh. Well, because he never got to come to full fruition. Let's just say he came with a softie, with a semi. What are you? His life was like a semi.

You think he was a chub that nutted? Yeah. I. He had the hair swoop. That was like his. He would have just the celebrity relationships he would have been in because he had dated like Sarah Jessica Parker and stuff like he would have gone so much hotter... He would have just, the celebrity relationships he would have been in because he had dated Sarah Jessica Parker

and stuff like that. He would have gone so much hotter. He would have gone so much hotter. And his last wife was really pretty. She looked like Uma Thurman.

Yeah, she was... Yeah, Carlin. Bessette. Yeah, I feel like they were going to stay together. Yeah. Are you an Uma Thurman?

Yeah. I like a little bit of... Something's a little wonky. Something wonky. You know, a big dick. I mean... I like a face that's not like uh heidi klum doesn't really right she's obviously hot but she's a little wonky i like a stare jessica parker i like that big old i love a big nose oh especially a big nose on a woman is so sexy to me jennifer gray she got a

nose job it was so weird. That was her whole thing. I agree with you. I think perfect symmetry is boring. Agreed. Chris Hemsworth, great, but also I feel like just boring to look at over time for me. I find the same thing where something's

got to be off, a weird mole somewhere. It's like Adrian Brody. Oh my God, the big no or ryan gosling hot take the face is crazy looking yeah i think you're right i'm sure in person he's like stunning his face is very he's not yeah he's very his eyes are like a hot slob the same hey you guys oh yeah i don't know the eyes are close yeah the one's like winky kind of lazy yeah and there's been work done to make it more because it's been crazier in the past that's probably why he's cool the hair is odd yeah but it is and the nose is a little yeah interesting it's just

blonde men i'm sure i'd be fully like like slipping on my own pea juice if i saw him but sure i abbreviated it for you i want you to get scared so who's your number one every gal's got a number one i used to say uh leave schreiber but what then whitney told me i just ray donovan like i just wanted to just fuck him through the screen i was just so into him i had had no idea. You like the Jews. I do. I really haven't dated Jews seriously, but I do. Yeah, I like them too. The ladies.

Mine is recently, but who's yours? Google Al-Qaeda. Ah! What a funny sentence. It should already be on a tab. Bin Laden is not bad looking, by the way. Bin Laden, but Bin Laden is. Yeah.

He likes Filipinas. I'm in. Wait, Kalilah, what about you? I feel like at one point yours was like a sumo wrestler. Yeah. Is that still what? Do you really think he's hot? He's got a decent face.

Bin Laden's hot. No, it's more like. And he gets things done. I don't know. I need to see under the beard. I can't decide if someone's hot unless I just see under the beard. No, more like... I'm not getting tricked like that.

More the young guys, like the ISIS guys. Really? I agree with you, Esther. I can't believe I actually agree with you on this, but I think you're right. The dark features, the hairy, the big beard is very attractive for sure. But what is yours? Recently, I've gone from Edgar Ramirez. I don't know who that is.

Is that my gardener? Who's that? He's a Venezuelan actor. Oh yeah, he's a good looking dude. But my whole life it's been, you guys know this, it's Bill Murray. What? Yeah. A hero.

You could get him. Bill Murray or Idris Elba. Either is fine. Wait, okay. Did you watch Hijack? I haven't. On Apple. It's starring Idris Elba.

You guys, it's the best. It's so good. And he's amazing in it. That guy? What about... That looks like what I'm going to look like when I'm older. Are you sure? I look more like him, honestly.

What about... Did you guys see I just watched the show last night it was getting me so girl boned up but what was it

normal people it's like oh my god I was losing Todd's like this guy's ugly I'm like Todd you do not know

what I'm following every guy he thinks is ugly on I'm like I'm already following him on Instagram have you so I read I am like

I should have read the book I am losing my mind. Todd made me turn it off to watch Big Brother. I'm like, I am so horny. Like, why are you doing this to me? He blue balled me. This show over the pandemic.

I am like me in such a love spell. I can't because I read the books. I love Sally Rooney. But but this guy, like I can understand thinking is that I want to fucking destroy him. I want to circumcise his penis with my own vagina.

Annie! I want to fucking, I want to just make it happen. Yeah, Paul Mesko. I want to fuck that foreskin off him. What is it about him? It must be his character. It's like he's rude. He's rude.

He's brooding. He's a fucking asshole, but he's kind of sweet. Got it. It's just, God. But they go in, on that show, they go full bush. They show everything. Yeah, and Todd's like, why would you have a full bush on him? Because it's grotesque.

Like, you can't show, like, a shaved beave on TV, but you can show a bush. Like, that might even be a merkin. Right. They have to do that. Do you know that one of the reasons why people think that normal vaginas are like the really closed ones, that those are the more common ones, are because in porno mags they used to say they had to Photoshop out any like actual lip showing because it was too pornographic. Wait, do you have like a TV character, movie character, or like a celebrity that's your like number one? I'm all over the road. I do like SJP.

Salma Hayek, I know is a little hacky, but she's a sexy lady. Come on, look at that. I like how you're still age appropriate. It's good. I like older. I mean, she is hanging in there. You gotta grow with them too.

Yeah. It's unbelievable. She's gotta be 50. What about Sofia Vergara? Nah, too cartoony. Yeah. She's like a Jessica Rabbit

She feels like she smells like a tortilla You know, she seems like a real Mexican But she's obviously hot Yeah, but it's not your like Hanging out with her would be like Alright, can you tone it down with the That's one of mine actually Sofia Vergara?

Yeah, no I get that That's one of mine actually. Oh. Hey, Margarita. Hey. Yeah, no, I get that. That's not a bad choice, Pete. Oh, Amanda Peet. Very pretty. I love her. I like her big mouth.

Now, have you seen, she's gone- I'm having a cover- No, pull it up. I think. Look at that. Oh, no, no, no, I'm thinking of someone else. I'm thinking of someone else. So you're into big mouths. I like big, wacky features.

Yeah. Huh. Look at that. That's a fucking ear to ear. Now, when you're at dinner with your parents, are you like, hey, pass the... Like, is that how you talk to them? I don't speak. I'm scared of them.

Still scared of them. Are you like, what do you do for a living? Comedy. That's what traumatized you into it? Yeah. Do you try to be funny around them? No. No?

No. Well, they're not big laughers so it was brutal and i have friends come over and they're like man your parents see it's tough to get a reaction i'm like yes welcome to my world my parents are the opposite well my mom will give me just deadpan she'll be like she thinks my mom like her favorite thing is like jackass really she loves like eric andre's movie she was like when he got pulled naked yeah she was howling that's a cool mom howling but if if i'm doing my dad thinks everything i say is funny and my dad and i will have like we'll just we'll have these like moments that are like we're crying we're laughing so hard and we'll come home and tell my mom to try to include her.

Yeah. And she'll go, I don't get it. And we're like, you fucking bitch. And I'll be like, fucking live, bitch. Open up. She's adopted. I'm like, we're not going to leave you. Let's keep this attitude up.

I couldn't get my mom to watch Jackass if I had a gun to her head. Really? Well, it's too low brow. She's very cultured. And she reads and drinks a glass of wine and listens to classical but that's kind of you went to film school right yeah i did but i still like jackass i like fucked up shit i like farts yeah you know and farts are forever i i listen i follow this guy on instagram he doesn't have a big following but it's just farts i think that's his instagram

handle just farts just farts and it's in the dark all it's just farts. I think that's his Instagram handle. Just farts. Just farts. And it's in the dark. It's just a video in the dark. There's no asses or anything. It's just sounds. He's like anonymous. I don't like that. Show your face.

If you're going to be fart guy, I want it to ruin your career. I want you to have to be fart guy. I don't want you to have other options. Right. I definitely don't agree with you guys on the fart stuff. Being cute or funny. I don't think it is. I would blast you out of bed if I was your man.

Yeah, hot boxer. I would fart you out of this world. Dutch oven. You'd fall right in. You'd want that toilet seat down. I would fling you into the toilet. But I agree with you. In the 10 years I was with Bobby, I never farted in front of him.

Oh, my God. Well, I didn't say that. I never farted in front of him oh my god 10 years well I didn't say that so you do fart in front of Dave I'm not saying that either but I just don't think fart humor is like like if someone walked in the room and was like let one out and thought it was funny I'd be like

pull my finger is like hacky but like there's some people but I've had the luck of my last few boyfriends, Todd included, they've accidentally left shits in the toilet, like kind of early on. That's tough. But I'm like, thank God. Cause it's like, all right, you broke the seal.

Right. Oh no. You didn't flush it. You didn't hold the thing down. That was their worst mistake. I like rigged the toilet. What are some early mistakes a girl can make? That's a good question.

I think flipping out, like having a meltdown too early is a huge turnoff because you're like, all right, I got to get out of this. This is going to be my life. Yeah. Over small things? Yeah. What if it's warranted? That's fine. It's warranted.

It's fine. But just like snapping, like, I'm just having a bad day. That whole thing. You're like, all right, how about out. This gal's a ticking time bomb. That's a tough one. Gross stuff doesn't bother me. Like, you know, if a girl has, like, toilet paper on her shoe or has, like, a little, you know, weird panty thing,

you know, a couple of boogers in there, you know what I mean? Or snail trail. Yeah, that's fine, because that's natural. That just means she's ovulating. Yeah. Yeah. It's more like crying over nothing immediately, you know, like she had a bad day at work and she's like, I just, no one respects me. And you're like, oh, this is brutal.

Poor self-regulation. Yeah, yeah. So that's a tough one. So I would say go fart, diarrhea it up, period, blood all over the walls. Don't fart, diarrhea it up, period, blood all over the walls. But the freaking out or snapping, snapping on a friend, stuff like that, that's tough. You know, you're right. That's the first thing I look for when I'm dating a guy is whether or not they could potentially have a temper or snap potential.

Yeah. Because that's really scary to me. I hate it. My dad was that way and it fucked me up as a kid. Same. My mom was super snappy. And so I would, it's like I had a very eggshell type of childhood. So when I look at a dude, I'm like, okay, like I like to see him under a certain amount of stress to see how he copes. You should make little obstacle courses.

I should. That involve you as well. There's cheese and Esther. I love you. There's cheese and Esther. Not even in like a gamey kind of way, but I will kind of create obstacles where I'm like, okay, if I don't respond to him in a certain, whatever, you know, like let's say I'm having a busy day.

I want to know how he responds to that. Sure. Because if it's in any type of way, like even weird. And if we're still in the first three months, like that's a red flag for me. I just always need, cause my ADD is so crazy. So it's like, I just need a guy who's like like patient so i can always tell when we're ordering food like if i'm taking too long like because i had a boyfriend who would like yell at me if i was taking too long and that's like i can't have someone like no pushing me or whatever it's like yeah i'm like busy i got things going on up here

right but so i can always kind of like tell in those situations, it's like patience is like what I need. Yeah. Because it's like I'm, it's for me to retrain my ADD would be like almost impossible. Oh yeah, it's too far gone. I've never, I've like never observed a red flag. I feel like I could just date anyone. I'm so pathetic. We also think that. We've also seen a roster and go, wow, anyone.

Complaining is tough too. Like a guy or girl. like if i had a guy friend who was like i'm just tired i'm cold can we uh-oh don't i like somebody who can rally you know like huff like she got out of her car today she's like and i was like what's wrong i thought it was like obviously like something had happened in her life she went it's just so hot i'm like oh my god this door is like right there you can make it i don't notice weather that's what's so funny like you're so i can't believe you don't know i can't go unless something insane is going on it's like freezing so hot like i go to the car i come back and we're gonna try to be like are we like what

should i wear a jacket or not i'm like i have no fucking clue wow sometimes like complaining is not even complaining it's sort of like a bid for connection it's just it's like when you tell me like I'm cold and it's I'm like let me get you a blanket it's I always see it as like I don't think she's really that cold she just wants to be babied

or wants to be mothered in this moment but you know that in her now so you know how to I feel like though I've had with my with my friends like if you when you first become friends it's like you bond on like hating the same people yeah you know how the friendship's gonna end right they're gonna start hating you or talking shit on you or whatever or if like you like i have friends where it's like we've i've complained to them about things so much that like when they call i know it's going to be complaining and i have to

be like yes hey let's not do complain today let's not do that and it's it's almost impossible because i've trained them to do that right like if i'm annoyed with something they're doing i did i established that yeah it's good you can realize that yeah but i'm trying it's like it's hard and then you want to be rude to people because you want them to have their feelings but it's like yeah god damn so i'm like they're i'm like 10 affirmations in you know i'm like i need another hour of these affirmations to be able to deal with what you're bringing me right now they're bringing you down yes exactly i'm like come up to me come up to me and then you don't want to be the rude friend that's like come on look at the positive when they're like

right i'm just like you gotta call someone else it can't be me today. I can't do it. Yeah. Agreed. Good one. Yeah. That's high pressure. I have friends who will not take any less than an hour of your time. Like, so if they call, I have to know if I pick up this phone call committing to an hour because they just are kind of long winded a little bit. It's a lot to ask. Yeah.

So most of the time I'll be like, hey, I'll call you this weekend when I have actual time for you. Yeah, I know. And I'm so worried about bothering people that I could never do that to somebody. I would want to call somebody for an hour. That's insane. That's insanity. Well, you're so busy liking every single person's things they post. You're so good at that. Well, I just feel bad. Like, oh, they're going to be sad. This is the first time you haven't responded to my text I forgive you but

Oh really And I understand But this is the first time ever Since I've known you I'll respond after this Just to keep the Yeah Rolling

But you're so good You wish everyone Their happy birthday Yeah that's right That's so sweet Really I don't wanna leave Is it sweet or psychotic

I don't know A little of both But it's every It's like it's wild Norman's in there Wait I love that Always since the beginning Since I met you That's so like polite And wild. Norman's in there. Wait, I love that. Always, since the beginning, since I met you.

That's so like polite. But like, that's what my inner child needs. That kind of consistency is what my inner child craves, I think. Someone who you know is not going to miss greeting you on your birthday. Do you feel pressure now that you're going to have to do it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I'll be there.

Well, Mark. Yeah, you've called me like hours. I'm sorry. I was skiing. Like, you're good. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're fearful. I think it's fearful. yeah oh my gosh i'll be there well yeah you've caught you've like called me like hours i've been sorry i was skiing like you're good oh yeah yeah you're fearful i think fearful i don't leave anyone hanging because i know the pain of being left hanging so i love leaving somebody well you grew up in like a sort of eggshell-y oh yeah big eggshell well speaking of eggshells this egg has hatched this has been a great thank you so much thank you mark that's on the special check out soup to nuts on netflix it's so funny and like just great and original

and weird definitely watch it tuesdays with stories are we drunk is that what it is we might be drunk we might be drunk i said are you garbage okay you might be drunk. I said, are you garbage? Okay. We might be drunk. I am garbage. He's everywhere. You know him. You love him. Definitely just check out his special. And thank you, Mark. We hope to see you again soon. Thank you.

This was illuminating and a great time. And I'm still bummed about the no BJ. Comedy. Bye, guys. Thank you. Thank you. That was fun.