Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Mike Majlak Eats a Banana

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Mike Majlak AKA Co-Host of Impaulsive w/ Logan Paul ate a banana with Khalyla and a very pregnant Esther. Turns out, you can't judge a book by it's cover because he's a SLUG! Mike, Khalyla and Esther bond over the Twilight Zone, WWII, The Notebook, Toxic Ex's - TBH it's all over the place but we had fun & that's all that matters.    PATREON SURVEY: Please take our membership survey! We want ideas and input! https://forms.gle/E8No1xUu1eHv2ZZQ9 Come See Khalyla,  Esther and Bobby Live! May 15th! Ticket Link Here  Thank you to our sponsor(s) BetterHelp - Find your social sweet spot, with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/TRASHTUESDAY today to get 10% off your first month.  SKIMS - The Fits Everybody collection is available in sizes XXS to 4X. You can shop now at SKIMS.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Esther’s new movie: DRUGSTORE JUNE! Still Available in Theaters and you can now Pre-Order via Streaming Platforms!  https://www.drugstorejune.com/  TigerBelly LIVE in Hawaii:Tigerbellylive.com   SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE TRASH TUESDAY: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons More Mike Majlak! Vlogs: @MikeMajlakVlogs  ImPaulsive Podcast w/ Logan Paul: @Impaulsive  Instagram:  @heybigmike      00:00 - Shout Out to Ibiza 02:13 - Mike Majlak Intro 05:20 - Bobby Lee and Impaulsive Drama 07:23 - Twilight Zone Reveal: Mike and Esther 16:38 - Longing for the Past - 1940’s and 50’s 19:54 - We are Now the Enemy  21:40 - Mike’s Sobriety Journey 36:27 - Mike Eats a Banana & Talks About What he’s Bad at 39:35 - Why Mike Loves His Girlfriend 43:41 - Why Mike Loves Up in the Air 46:50 - Action Versus Words + Mikes Girlfriend 50:09 - Mike’s Girlfriend is The Coolest GF He’s Had 51:37 - Mike Talks About Ex’s  56:20 - Why Girls and Men are Different 01:02:00 - Will Bobby & Khayla Get Back Together 01:05:24 - Making Art      SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE TRASH TUESDAY: https://bit.ly/HitOurButtons Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly -https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079  Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee http://instagram.com/bobbyleelive Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen    https://www.candyedits.com Podcast Producer(s): Stella Young/Tiny Legend Productions  Shot and Edited By: Guy Robinson and Sean Wanless Edited By: Andrew Tarr (Audio) & Guy Robinson (Video)   This Video Contains Paid Advertising

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those years definitely good times everybody had these years but me you've never been to abiza no i've never been it's never too late you should be the one that goes like the opposite way you have the kid and then like you shoot. Honestly, Esther, you do that. I actually do. Or bring the kid to a pizza. Formentera is beautiful. I love Formentera. My titties were out in Formentera.

Are you amazing? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I've had those years. Formentera might be one of the prettiest places on the planet. Yeah. The Balearic Sea is very, very good memes. Great memes.

For sure. For sure. But let's just keep them there. Yeah, let's keep them there yeah let's keep them there well kalilah let's talk about something pretty serious so you and i have been talking for a minute now about potentially starting a patreon and that's that's a big effing deal yeah and we've we've gotten some requests from you guys. Yeah.

And for us, it's really important that you're a part of this process. You're a part of the decision making. If we were to do it. If we were. We want to do it right. Because we're in the early stages of figuring out what we'll be offering. But this is where we need your input. And we need it to be something, if we do it, that you guys love.

Something that you guys love something that you guys have been wanting and that's why we created this survey yeah so it's basically for us to let us know like what you'd love to see whether it's bonus episodes whether it's exclusive content whether it's behind the scenes stuff and the link is included in the description box so just check out the survey let us know because if we do this like our relationship with the slugs is so important to us so we only want to do this if this is going to be something that you guys love that you guys get a lot of value from so if you check out the survey talk to us tell us what you'd be looking for if potentially this is something that we decide to do. You guys, I am super excited to announce that

Ebb Ocean Club is launching May 15th. Not only are we launching, but there is a live event happening that day. And there's a lot of surprises at this live event. A lot of really fun surprises. I cannot wait. This is like officially a Kalilah themed live event that I will be at. Bobby Lee will be at. We have some other people in the works who will also be there. I'm so excited. It's May 15th at the Bourbon Room in Hollywood, which is such a cool iconic venue.

And we can't wait to see you guys there and for you to see what we've been planning for this show. So you guys, May 15th at the Bourbon Room in Hollywood with Esther, with Bobby, a couple more surprise guests. This is a really exciting time for me. And this will be a very special show. I can't wait to see you there. Tickets will be in the description box. And see you May 15th. Trash Tuesday is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Scam. Scam. Kalilah, will you introduce me to your friend? Yeah, happy to. Ooh, I like this look. Hello, my name is Mike. I'm from the future. You guys, I had the pleasure of meeting this fine young gentleman very recently.

And I was very impressed by his overall cadence and warmth and demeanor. And we hit it off very quickly. So I was like, you have to come on Trash Tuesday. He's an author. He's a podcaster, a YouTuber, a foodie. What have I missed, Mike? Oh, man. Work in progress, sweaty.

Oh, work in progress. I love sweaty comrades. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please welcome Mike Malak. Oh, man. And I... Did I ever see some smash burgers on his IG feed in my research? Yeah, that's my thing. 10 out of 10 burger.

10 burger. Yeah, we're 10 out of 10 burger. Yeah, that's my baby right now. We just did Rolling Loud Los Angeles. We had our biggest weekend ever last weekend at a big hip-hop festival here in Los Angeles. But yeah, I do a number of things. So that was a very adequate introduction. Wait, do you guys have a jingle before the show starts?

We have a mid-show jingle. We have a thing called Banana Break where we eat bananas. Oh, yeah. I just realized how many bananas there are on set. But we do have a pre-show. In the beginning of the show,

it's a song that Bobby wrote. And it's like a little vibey. I've never not liked a song before hearing it before. I don't like it. Bobby wrote, I don before hearing it before i don't like it bobby wrote i don't like it i don't like it at all not one bit wait what's the deal there no i'm just messing around i love bobby he's great i have a question for you i know that you guys have a pretty fiery both loving and fiery like relationship since he went on, um, impulsive and basically derailed your entire podcast. No,

my life, my entire life. Bobby Lee ruined my entire life. I'm standing on that dude. He took away our pure sweet door, sweet, sweet George, but like not even speaking like hyperbolic.

Do you really feel as though like he was like sort of like the person that really took it there? Uh, no, like we, we, I was just on Tiger Belly last week. We were talking about it before the show and, and we talked a little bit about it on that show. It's like, there was just a relationship, business, friendship, show ship that lasts long in this, in this world that we live in nowadays is very difficult. Like the industry is extremely difficult to navigate. Um, especially with, uh, very big personalities. Um, and, and there definitely was like a bunch of underlying, you know, crap that was like involved with the, the, the situation as it existed before Bobby came on the show, you

know? And then Bobby came on the show and it was like, like, uh, like your back patio, but you're like drunk uncle built it and somebody just throws a toothpick on it and it just collapses. You know what I'm saying? He's like salt bae for wounds. No, legit, dude dude he just dropped a bunch of salt into into the deep wound that already existed yeah there's just like a bunch of shit

there dude like just a bunch of poop and uh bobby just kung powed that you know what i'm saying like karate chopped the shit out of it and uh we you, we had shows after it. We did a few shows after it. Um, but it just wasn't ever really the same after that. And that was right around the time that I, uh, relapsed. No, I'm kidding. That's not true. I'm sorry. That's a dark joke. I shouldn't even say that. No, but he made me want to Bobby. I'm rolling back on this. Bobby Lee ruined my life. I'm just, that's just the, that's just the exclamation point on it. Let Lee ruined my life. That's just the exclamation point on it. Let's leave it there. That's it.

Wait, I have a big reveal for the both of you that I feel like neither of you have caught yet. But please see my t-shirt today. Oh, my God. Well, she might not understand why. Wait, okay. This is my favorite show all time like obsessed like for people who can't see it's a rod sterling t-shirt twilight zone i can't believe you have that wait are you really a twilight zone head twilight zone fanatic twilight zone fanatic like

like like you guys are so rare. Do you realize, like, I don't come across, like, she's the first person in our age group that has literally, like, that's the only person where I'm like, Esther, are you really still watching it to this day? Like, every day. And it's to the point where I realized, because I always say I love science fiction, and then my friends are like, you know what's called sci-fi? And I'm like, well, not when you like it from the 50s like it's science fiction 100% not only is it science fiction but when I watch it I'm watching my favorite program and I'm watching it with supper literally like that's good because that's the thing and it's taking place at 5 p.m. 5 p.m. And by the way, I'm going to sleep after.

But I don't. I'm a little. See, here's the thing. I've had a little before we even get into this. I've had a little bit of trouble in the space because as we started the show with, I'm aware of many hats. A master of all trades, but a master of no trades. A jack of all trades, master of none. A jack of all trades, master of none, right?

And I've spent a lot of time in this, like, influencer. Like, you guys are in a, like, a really cool, like, everybody's like, oh, they're hip and, like, have bananas and, like, dope ass, like, backgrounds. Like, I'm attached to, like, the most controversial person on the planet. And that rubs off on me. And people are like, oh, that's Logan's lap dog. He doesn't know about shit. Like, he just parrots whatever he says. But I'm into a lot of really cool shit.

One of those things is the Twilight Zone. Okay, also, because I was doing my research last night looking at your Twitter and stuff. I'm like, this guy's a film buff. Like, I love that you love the zone of interest. Like, that's not even a streaming movie. Like, you had to go rent that on iTunes or go to a theater like you're definitely not like the package that you're presented in is not matching what I'm finding out about you that is the most I could cry that's the most accurate like statement ever

and I and unfortunately like um I've dug this hole for myself a little bit initially before I met you I was like here's someone who's probably very hyper masculine loves sports like I had a very preconceived idea about you but then the moment we met I was like oh no this man is like a girl's girl I mean like see if I have I misrepresented myself again? I wouldn't go that far. No, but I mean, like, you know how to, like, be around women. You know how to talk to us. For sure. You know how to, like, just sort of, like.

It's very Marc Maron. It is really Marc Maron. I grew up with two sisters. Okay, there we go. I have an extremely tight relationship with my mother. Extremely tight. That's the best relationship that I have in the world. I talk to her every day. She's my hero, my everything. And so I, I, I, and by way of my dad,

I also love women on the opposite end of the spectrum, you know what I'm saying? Like, and I, and I'm now in a committed relationship and have been dating my girlfriend, Sarah for, you know, seven plus months now. And, um, you know, have—and finally kind of locked into a place where that's comfortable for me and everything's going well there. Does she watch a Twilight Zone? Do you make her? I haven't really—I've been trying to push her towards it. I think it's almost like you kind of got to wean people onto it, right? Yeah, I mean, you start with, like, a couple favorites here and there.

Well, it's almost like, well, for sure, but it's almost like you have to start with, like, almost like, hey, let's watch some Black Mirror episodes tonight. Oh, is that the intro, you think? A hundred percent. Well, Black Mirror is good for everybody, and then maybe you could dial them, and make no mistake,

Black Mirror is simply an updated Twilight Zone. Black Mirror is a play off of the twilight zone the twilight zone walked so that black mirror could run yes but for me part of what i love about the twilight zone is the charm of the era and like they're it's funny like when you go back and watch them so you can tell so much of the culture was impacted by like aliens like i feel like even more so way more so than today like there's just such specific topics that they keep going back to whereas black mirror is is just more commentary on today's society which i'm like i don't need that i want to know like when life was slower and simpler but what i learned about Rod Serling in my most recent research for this episode was he had a lot of his ideas or even like a lot of the episodes that he wrote for Twilight Zone.

He wrote in the Philippines as a soldier during World War II when the Japanese invaded the Philippines. Like I'm Filipino and so I like any connection to the Philippines I have to announce. You're diving in. invaded the Philippines. Like, I'm Filipino, and so I like any connection to the Philippines I have to announce. You're diving in.

And so he was, like, in a really miserable spot in his, like, younger years. There is a lot of war. A lot of death. A lot of witnessing death because this was, like, a really tragic time.

And apparently, a lot of his ideas were born there. So shout out to the islands for basically inspiring. The best show of all time. I mean, listen, like, I for um basically inspiring the best show of all i mean listen like i don't want to say best show of all time because that's the sopranos in my eyes but but that's a decent pitch yeah no no for sure but as far as twilight zone is concerned yes you had you had uh topical natures around aliens um cold war was another massive thing. Like the way you described it, you know,

Black Mirror being a conversation representative of the times we're currently living in at the time, that's what the Twilight Zone was. It was very symbolic of what was going on. And at the time, there was nothing bigger than the Cold War. The Cold War was constantly on everyone's minds, no matter how wonderful of a sunny picnic Sunday it was, in the back of every kid's mind, in the back of every housewife's mind, was the thought that the doomsday bomb could be dropping, right? And people were trained every day at school to get under their desks, to put their hands over their heads. People had bunkers, as was represented in one of my favorite episodes

about the bunker in the neighborhood on the Twilight Zone. There's a fantastic episode, I can't remember the name of it. Oh, I know which one you're talking about though. Where one of the people- One family has a bunker. One family has a bunker. So basically it's a neighborhood- Oh, this is a great one. It's a neighborhood where all of the neighbors all congregate. Oh, I'm going to cry. It's like so emotional. It is. I almost don't even know if I want to like give itate. Oh, I'm going to cry. It's like so emotional. It is. I almost don't even know if I want to like give it away.

Yeah, maybe not. But let me give a little bit of lead up. So all the neighborhood would come together and they would have these parties and they would eat dinner at this one man's house and they would make fun of him and pick on him because he had this great bunker. And one night, you know, they're all gathered around

and they're having this dinner and the radio comes on in the background or the kid runs up and tells the dad and says, Pa, Pa, there's something on the radio. And they turn it on, and it's, this is not a test. This is not a test. We have a Russian aircraft event at the airspace. We're under imminent attack.

If you have a shelter, get to your shelter. So everyone leaves. I'm getting goosebumps now, too. I know. All the other families leave, and he's got this bunker set up, but only for three people. And so he gets into it, and he locks the door, and you have to deal with this extremely dramatic moment where all of these families and the little children are screaming at the door,

like, please help us. We have to get in. And he's saying, oh, I kind of want to just blow the episode. Just to illustrate, I'm sorry. Just to illustrate for this one. Yeah, I think it's been out for 100 years almost. We're allowed. So basically, all of the neighbors are at the door banging to try to get in.

And he's, and he's, and he's like, I can't let you in because if you come in the air, the food, we will not, we'll all die. And there's this dramatic moment of,

of self preservation for him. And also for the neighbors who want to get in, they end up bashing the airtight door down, rendering the bunker completely useless. They, they, they pummel the guy, they beat him up. It turns into this massive fight where now they're all going to die. And then in this crazy turn of events, it was all a mistake. There was no bombing.

You know what I'm realizing is I can handle Twilight Zone alone in bed at night. But like when the lights are shining and like I'm near humans, I'm like, this is too much. It's like I don't want to be in the real world when I think about it. Who is your three-person bunker? Who makes the cut? Probably you and Dave. I think so.

It's three, doesn't it? You don't, it's not you plus three. It's just three. Just three. Yeah. That's a good choice. Yeah. I feel like I'm a very useful. Do you know your three, it's just three. Just three. That's a good choice. Yeah. I feel like I'm a very useful.

Do you know your three? George and Bobby Lee. Those three people for sure. Do you find yourself as someone who has, because for me a big part of what I love about the Twilight Zone is obviously like the science fiction, but also the past of it. Do you find yourself longing for the past and old things?

Is that part of it for you as well or no? A percent i mean it's it's it's like that stuff to me is just so symbolic of a time when man and woman together were making this we're we're we're just molding the the forever of eternity, right? And like, you know, I watched Oppenheimer last night for the first time. I hadn't seen it. I watched it on the plane. I haven't seen it either. It's great.

It's great. It is phenomenal. I have to sort of prep myself, I think, because I don't, I do understand like how heavy and long it is, but I haven't. Heavy and long. It's like three plus hours.

But it doesn't feel like it. It's a Christopher Nolan movie. So it's awesome. It's beautiful. It's fun. I do love Cillian Murphy. Yeah. It was an incredible film.

But when you watch it, I watched that film and then I got off and I went back on Twitter after. And there was some influencer like, yo, and there was like some, uh, influencer were like, yo at Billie Eilish, let me fuck. And I was like, this is where we're at. Like, this is like, you know what I'm saying? And, and, and like, listen, we're here to entertain. We're here for these, for these wonderful people watching this broadcast, this program right now to, to, to forget about the troubles of their day. But like, there's something about that period of time with quantum physics and nuclear energy and, dude, the things that happened between 1938 and 1954 that will shape humanity for the rest of time.

And by the way, all of this was done without computers. All of that nuclear fission and fusion, all of this was done without computers. Right. All of that nuclear fission and fusion research was done by hand with no computers. When did Alan Turing make the computer? Was it like,

was it during World War II? Around there? Maybe slightly thereafter. Maybe like early 1950s. This is just making me really face head on that like, we're,

we're dumber now. And that's, dumber now and we should have been getting smarter and we're just getting dumber and I hate it. of like the want to really dive into something too deep. Like it's like when you're a jack of all trades, like you're not an expert in one thing, right? It scares you. But I think the same thing with information. It's because we have all the information at our fingertips. So it's like we aren't searching for things anymore. Whereas I think that time there was a lack of, and it's like, I couldn't just, you know, get on Google and see images of Thailand.

Like I would have to imagine what was being written to me in a postcard by somebody to imagine what that place looked like. They also say that like Nazis are the last bad guy. They're the last thing that everyone came together to hate because there's nothing like a Nazi. It's so easy to want to come together to kill Nazis. It's then slight and then it's slightly moved on to the Japanese after that, but it obviously wasn't on the same level. And we've had, we've had some, honestly, like it, it almost feels like we're the enemy now in some ways. To our literal selves. And to, and to an extent it And to an extent, it's somewhat accurate. I mean, I think beyond world police,

we've been bullies at times. And it's a really, obviously, we're not going to get into the geopolitical theater on this episode of Trash Tuesday. We're not a show, are we? I know. Who are we? But it's just, I don't know what it is

about that time period that's just so incredible. And the thing that you were searching for that was prevalent at that time that is gone now is boredom. Yes. Yes. Boredom was the catalyst for so much greatness in this world. the catalyst for so much greatness in this world, being stuck alone in an apartment or a study hall or a room or a field. Think about the phrase, like, twiddle your thumbs.

People don't twiddle their thumbs anymore because that's a long-gone, like, phrase. Technically, it's all we do. Yeah, I mean— But there's just something there. To just sit around and like like just sit on your fucking thumb or like do nothing stare into space use your imagination and that's how you become creative and without that like you're just all the creative muscles are gone and they atrophy and also like around what you're saying i like you're you're sort of talking around this topic that i think about a lot. Like,

for example, the last like 10 years, all of a sudden every movie is available to us on streaming. There's so many movies. And then it kind of made me go like, I have access to every movie. So why do I need to watch a movie? Like when I have too much at my fingertips, it like makes me not care. fingertips, it like makes me not care. I've had one guiding cause and I believe that, that purposeless discussion can be extremely entertaining, can be extremely fun, can pull people out of their ruts and give them a good time. And, and, but when you, but when you make someone feel something, which is, which is very difficult to do in any day and age, when you make someone feel something, which is very difficult to do in any day and age, when you make someone feel something, like Rod Serling makes you feel something when you watch those episodes, you have struck your gold and talking about mental illness. And at any, I'm talking about the fifth vital, by the way, for anybody watching this who, who struggles with addiction or know someone who's struggling with addiction. It's a book that I wrote about my own eight year battle with opiate addiction, with methanol, Xanax, crack cocaine, and just a part of my life that, that, you know, is what made me

who I am. You know what I find super interesting about, um, you too, Mike, is like when, when I ask you, like, you know, we both like sweat a lot. We both have a lot of anxiety. Like we share a lot of the same like mental quirks, I would say. But when I asked you like, you know, like what your family structure was like, like you love both of your parents. You loved your upbringing. And I think this is sort of a testament to what addiction can do, which is it will snatch anybody from anywhere at any time. You don't have to be predisposed to addiction via trauma or bad things.

And I think that more people do need to talk about the fact that you can come from a good supportive family. You can come from like a good upbringing and still completely lose your life. And be a smart person who's like educated and has interests and a well-rounded life, it sounds like. Right. For sure. And I mean, currently, like the place we're in right now in the era of the great opiate epidemic, you know, we had a crack epidemic in the eighties, early nineties, um,

especially on the East coast. But, but right now we're in a, a time where we're fighting, you know, this, this massive opiate epidemic that is, that is just swallowed a good chunk.

It's crazy. So my sister was the, my sister was the head nurse for the city jails out here. And she was there for over a decade. And from the time she started in jails, the reason she left jails to become like an occupational nurse instead is because she was like, Kalilah, it went from having like a man down, man down being like someone sick in jail or collapsed or whatever that you have to give medical attention to, that you have to give medical attention to um you have to medically treat she goes it would go from having that would happen maybe once a month where the alarms would go off because you would have someone either not kicking but someone dying in

your jails from opiates she goes to four a day and she was the mental load for her she was like this drug epidemic the the um the fentanyl she was like it is even as someone as a caretaker as like a medical professional in that setting she goes it was just too much for me and she she left i've lost two first cousins to fentanyl in the last five years like this is so real and in the most like tragic ways too like i just had a friend who went out one night partied didn't test his coke dad of two kids just out like passed out on the sidewalk it's it's it's just such an absolute prevalent story there's not a single person watching this episode right now, no matter how many views it gets, that doesn't have someone that they know intimately that has struggled or died from an

overdose. And I remember at my school, everybody was, you know, started trying them on weekends at keg parties. Like you would see girls sniffing them, got, you know, we'd do 20 milligrams here and there. We're like, it's a pill dude. Like our parents did Vicodin and stuff, but there's 32 extra strength Percocets in one Oxycontin. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, there's really no comparison. We were doing heroin when we were 16 years old. We just didn't know it. And there was no one telling us this. Right. And so we, um, we went through this, this moment in time, this ground zero for the opiate epidemic where no one knew it was going on. There were no parents. There was no

meetings like there are now concerned governments. It was just us, a bunch of kids, you know, experimenting with these drugs. And, um, within, you know, six months of, of trying it for the first time, I would say, you know, 40 or 50% of my graduating class in high school was addicted to opiates. I mean, people were nodding out in the hallways. People were, you know, throwing up all over themselves, withdrawing from, from opiates in school. Um, people's just eyes were just pinned, just really pinned pupils, just walking around bloodshot eyes. And my life was saved by my probation officer, by Ellen Ferrari. And once again, I've, she, I've given this lady more shout outs. Shout out Ellen Ferrari, Milford, Connecticut probation. I mean, anyone that

follows me knows this story, but she, um, I got switched over to Ellen by another probation officer. They'd given me a lot of passes. They had any time I would give a dirty urine, they would say, well, he's in the methadone clinic. He's, he's doing his outpatient rehab. Technically like, what are we going to do? Like throw them in jail, which usually they would, but for whatever reason they weren't. So I got switched over to Ellen for the first day I went to her and she was like, okay, go pee. Let's, let's, you know, make sure you're clean or whatever. So I go, I pee. She calls me back the next day and she's like, Hey Mike, it's Ellen Milford probation. I'm just calling you to let you know that your, your urine came back. Um, it was positive for cocaine. It was positive for opiates. It was

positive for, um, for benzodiazepines. Um, tomorrow I'm going to need you to come here and you're going to, uh, go to detox tomorrow. I'm, we're going to have you sent to detox. Um, or you can do your five year, um, five years in jail tomorrow. Those are your choices. Addicts are the biggest swindlers in the world. We, we, you know, we know how to finesse. Right. And I, by the way, it's where I got a lot of my, my finesse from, from those years, to be honest, one of the good things I took from it, but I said, that's can't be wrong. Test it again. What are you talking about? That's not, I wasn't, I didn't do any of that stuff. No, fuck you. Like I'm not doing that shit. And she's like 10 AM tomorrow. And I was like, Ellen,

please. And then I switch it, please. Like I'm going through a lot right now. You know, my life at home, my grandfather's really sick, whatever. Right, sure, yeah. Tomorrow 10 a.m. hangs up the phone and I'm sitting on the other side of the phone like, oh fuck, dude, she just pulled my card. Right.

I'm gone. And so the next day, June 10th, 2010, June 23rd, 2010, sorry, I went to SCRC Detox New Haven and started my journey to where we are today. Wow. So I've been clean for coming up on 14 years. Amazing.

That's incredible. And so up until that point, the probation officers just didn't give a shit that you'd. It wasn't that. It was just there's, they're dealing with such a, like we have such a broken mental health system, such a broken resource system here for people dealing with it. And there's only so much they could do. Like I was in treatment. Yeah.

But she saw more for me. And I went back to Milford recently. And I stopped at the – I was walking through downtown and they moved their office. And I looked and it said Milford probation on the wall. And I went up the stairs and I was like, there's no way she's still here. It's been 14 years. Right. And I, as I'm walking in, a kid walks out, sees me, starts freaking out. I read your book. You changed my life. You're the reason why I started getting clean, which I, this is a conversation I have like every, every day, not every day, but I get the messages. Right. But

I saw him, he walks out and while i was talking to him somebody inside heard my voice and i hear when i get to the into the window i hear i know that voice and i looked and there was ellen ferrari oh that's so sweet yeah and i got to tell her i'm like yo ellen i just want to i want to tell you you saved my life like you saved my life you're the reason why the fifth vital got written you're the reason why i'm alive today and she was like no you're the reason and flipped it back on me and stuff. Heroes will never accept being heroes. And I was like, can I take a picture with you?

And she was like, no. Because she's like almost like a cop. I love that. She's like a probationer. She was like, no, you can't. Foundries. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you

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wherever you buy movies. Check it out. I love you. Thank you. Bye. Hi, I'm Kalilah. And if you're a fan of me, I do have another podcast called Tiger Belly and we have a live show in Hawaii, April 26 at Hawaii Theater. You can go to tigerbellylive.com. Tiger Belly shows are one of a kind. They're super fun, very interactive. They're not what you think a typical podcast show would go. It's super magical. Esther's been a part of it before. Again, go to tigerbellylive.com, April 26 at Hawaii Theater. See you there. Trash Tuesday is sponsored by BetterHelp. Can we talk about therapy for a second and how it's really important and then non-negotiable actually?

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You guys, the Fits Everybody collection is available in sizes extra, extra small to 4X. And you can shop now at Skims.com. This is very important. After you place your order, we need the slugs to let them know we sent you. So select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show, Trash Tuesday, in the menu that follows. And to go straight to our favorite collection, the Fits Everybody collection, just go to skims.com slash Trash Tuesday. I wanted to ask, yeah, so what are some of your other present day coping tools that you

use to get through? Because, you know, you also mentioned we talked about boredom and how like valuable that is to the brain. That's also a very challenging thing for most people and is what can trigger your need for your addiction. And so I'm just curious, how do you handle boredom and what are your coping tactics in general? So, so definitely for me, exercise is number one. I, I, I think that, um, when I got out of rehab in 2010, uh, I was 285 pounds, uh, which I know for six, three, it's hard to really equate, but, but, um, I, I got down to one 75 after that. So I lost over a hundred pounds. Um,

and I had just a tremendous amount of, of really, really bad weight from just eating terrible when I was, uh, on heroin and Xanax, Xanax, especially because you just eat so much. And, um, I started riding a bike and I found out that I loved cycling and I'm actually, I hate, I really, it's hard for me to say this because I've been working on this for so long and I feel so unaccomplished and not having delivered it yet, but I'm working on an organization called Mike's bikes, which gives, um, people who have shown promise in recovery a means to get to their NA meetings, to get to job interviews, to feel freedom from what it is that embodies their mind.

Can it also teach a 36-year-old pregnant woman how to ride a bike? Oh, yeah. For all of you who do not know how to ride a bike. Oh, man. There's just a couple things. There's a couple fundamentals that she's missed. One is riding a bike and the other is swimming. Are there any of those where you're just like, I just did not learn that?

And you're ashamed to admit? Honestly, this is really a vulnerable moment for me. Well, there's a number of funny things that I could say. this is really a vulnerable moment for me. Like, I, I, there's, well, there's, there's a number of fun, there's a number of funny things that I could say,

but I, I, um, I don't know that I, I, I don't know that I really have the ability to feel love. I, I,

I, I, that took a different turn. I'm so sorry. I, I, I, I am,

I'm a work in progress, i said earlier and i i do you receive love yeah i can do it through action but it and i and i i my my girlfriend she knows all this stuff we have conversations about this i'm very transparent with her and she knows that i i romantic love or any love um i would say probably like romance i i have a i have like a like a um i wasn't always like this but i developed like a um like an attachment issue i don't i don't really know how to describe it there you more on the avoidance yes yes see you guys see girls understand it i didn't even know what that meant. But I'm like,

it almost like plays into my anxiety to an extent. And it's, I don't know, it's like something that I'm working on and I'm like open to exploring it. But it's, I don't really know how to describe it. That's sort of a huge step. Are we supposed to eat these bananas?

You don't have to. You don't have to. Okay. I'm a banana freak. I'm skipping it today. I never miss a banana. I usually, because mostly while I'm pregnant, I never know what's going to make me feel a little yucky. Do you think bananas would?

It's just for me, there's a taste in my mouth is weird. I just, it's a whole thing. Did you like them before you were pregnant? Not that much. To be honest, I just, it's a whole thing. Did you like them before you were pregnant? Not that much. No, you liked them? To be honest, I'll make a smoothie with this tonight.

Like, that's my real I feel like you're still getting all of the benefits of that. What is the benefit of a banana? Potassium. Don't knock my favorite

fruit in the world, Mark. She went to nursing school so she knows. It also calms you down, I think. Really? I can't, you know I can't eat this like a normal banana on the show because it would be considered

glizzy gobbling. Yeah. I do understand the politics of eating long-shaped things. Yeah, oblong. That would be all that they would take out of this episode. Dude, we were with this kid the whole time, but when we watched him gobble that banana like that. I'm curious about your sobriety and all the great things, but when we watched him gobble that banana like that. Who cares about your sobriety and all the great things you've done?

Watch him eat that banana. Have you looked in or talked to a therapist or dug in any more of what may be the cause of the avoidant attachment? Or where are you at with that journey of learning about it? It's definitely from trauma. Yeah. Yeah, I have bad PTSD from trauma. Man, I've seen some really, really nasty shit. I've had some really nasty relationships with women as well in the past.

Have you had any positive ones? I got a positive one right now. Yeah. Why does this one feel positive compared to the others? Great girl. I'm so great. I mean, super mature, super just like supportive of me and tells me that I need to be better to myself and teaches me to be better to myself. And it's just really tapped into

the ways that she does that for herself and she she's willing to like give me those teachings she's patient with me because i think like i think in a lot of ways and maybe this will help explain what i was what i was getting at before i think like I've been stunted developmentally and it's a known thing that addicts yeah uh you started using when you were a teenager I was 16 when I started using heavily and so the years of 16 to 20 I got clean when I was 26 no sorry yeah so I got clean when I was 26 so I would say I Yeah. So I got clean when I was 26. So I would say I lost between like eight and 10 years to, to my addiction. Right. And so like in a lot of ways, like in my mind, I'm probably like 30 years old or like even in my late twenties, just because so much of my life has been stunted by addiction to like one thing or another. And now like, honestly, it's

something that I still battle with because, you know, i'm still i still am always working like she's you know what i'm saying i'm addicted to work now like i'm doing show after show like there's not really that's what i wanted to ask you because you are such a person on the go like you fly here one night then here then here like you're sort of a madman in that way Do you feel as though that is in itself a process addiction that you're trying to, again, not. Look at this. Oh, Lord. His list of 2024 flights. It's quite long.

Can you see that? Interesting that you're keeping track of that. And those are just the flights just so far This year Yeah in the past three months That's insane And I'll do another five in the next couple weeks Because I do see that often

Like ex-addicts then throw themselves Into work or into like a very Intense like daily schedule Yeah and I think Am I the only one that ate a banana? Oh I ate the whole thing I don't miss banana breaks yeah you're gonna eat the banana and i think like that's another thing like that i also do want to caution people on is like sometimes there's like a much simpler like answer to your problems than what you're making it. Right. And by that, I mean like

this, this, like this, like anti-romance or like anti-avoidant, uh, as you described it, um, to me, I'll be like, Oh, was this a result of trauma? Was this a result of this? And I'll call my mom. She'll be like, dude, you just have different priorities. You're, you're so locked into your work, into your career that I think in your, and my girlfriend won't even really like tell me that I'm being these things. I just feel it. And so the thing that she always tells me is you're just being too hard on yourself it's something that she's and that's something that people like us on the anxious side we do that all the time yeah we're constantly in a cycle of judging critiquing and and blaming and regretting and and thinking

about things that we've done or going to do it's flogging. We're beating the fuck out of ourselves, right? And so, like, in a lot of ways, like, yes, my career is everything to me. I take it very seriously. And so right now what I'm trying to do is. Take your time. Well, also, it's. They'll clip this. You're choking on the banana. It sounds like your career is also your purpose, which is very amazing.

And that's a great thing that you're dedicated to. I have watched the movie Up in the Air with George Clooney enough times. Okay. To remember his speech. I mean, that movie, let me put this like this. That movie is me. That movie is me. I have the same status on every airline that he has.

I have traveling down to a science. I've done just as many flights as he has. The pilot from American Airlines is about to come sit next to me and thank me for my 3 million or 10 million miles. Everything about this movie is me. Including the scene where he finally knocks on the door of Vera Formigas And he realizes She's with her family She has her own kids and she's been lying to him That did not happen to me

For me it was like a porn star Or something, right? But you could cycle that out for whatever else But for me in a lot of ways He had a struggle And I love that we're bringing this back to a movie Because I love that I love bringing this back to a movie because I love that, you know,

I love this art form of movies and storytelling, but he had to struggle very much with the idea that what he considered to be weight, those personal relationships in his life. In the beginning of the movie, he gives this speech about how everything in your life is weight. What is in your backpack today? Your house, put it, put your house, your job, your coworkers, your girlfriend, your wife, you are now slower as a result of all of these things. And so his

whole life is based on just having this little one bedroom condo. He doesn't want to have any deep relationships with anybody because he just wants to move. And that's who I've always been. And as the movie goes on, he realizes that the life of his family members is passing by. He wasn't invited to be the best. No, he wasn't invited to do something at the wedding because someone else did it because they didn't think that he was even going to show up to the wedding. And then he falls in love and he realizes wow this is what life's about and of course it doesn't end up going well for him but but but I believe that I'm in a lot of ways at a similar part of my life where I'm really realizing it's not about this rat race for money and for clout and fame and and and the boat in abiza with

the you know with with with you know i was i was a fucking whore for so long on the level that i shot up to abiza though i've had those years definitely good times everybody had these years but me you've never been to abiza No I've never been It's never too late You should be the one That goes like the opposite way You have the kid And then like You

Don't please don't do that Honestly Esther You do that You gotta actually do that Or bring the kid to Ibiza You do Formentera is beautiful I love Formentera

Yeah My titties were out In Formentera Are you amazing Yes I've had those years Formentera might be One of the prettiest places

On the planet Yeah The Balearic Sea is very, very good memes. Great memes. For sure, for sure. But let's just keep them there. And for a lot of men out there, and for a lot of women out there, they're big on empty promises and words.

And the actions don't reflect that. And they cheat. That is the most painful part, I think. It's like when you have someone who's very affirming with their words but the actions just never live so how weird is it that i'm the opposite so we're we're at a weird seven month standpoint right now where she wants to hear the words i love you which is very understandable right and i didn't we we didn't say that to each other when i was kids. Like we weren't that type of family. That's interesting. I didn't say I love you every time I left the house.

We didn't throw that around frequently. Like some people treat I love you like love ya. Yeah. Love ya. And it's so easy for them to say in a moment of intimacy. Very disposable. Yeah, like you're about to nut and it's I love you so much. Yeah.

Whatever. Yeah. For me, if I utter those words you have entered a sanctum that two people are in you know maybe right do you say it to your mom now a lot i try to i try to okay just it just it's a very different thing for me you're just not practiced in those three words it's not something yeah it's not in your body yeah it's just not in in your rep you know it's not in your but but i was gonna say when you do show up for her are you doing it out of this knowing like this feeling of obligation knowing you in order for me to be a good boyfriend

i have to do x y and z versus actually being present and saying, hey, like those two. No, I like doing good. I like doing stuff for people in general. And my girlfriend's one of those people, you know, for sure. No, to be able to give and to provide and to show up and to, for me, like providing experiences, like showing her new places and cool things and movies and stuff like that, that that that gets me off now she falls asleep during every fucking movie within the first three minutes like dude to talk about this the other night in my brainiac ways we're laying in the bed in this beautiful mexican resort in playa del carmen and she's like let's watch a movie babe your pick and for me i'm just like oh's go. But like, I'll usually nowadays be like, okay, do comedy or something like lighthearted.

But I, I really shot for the fences the other night. And like, dude, within three minutes of zero dark 30, bro, this, this chick, like within three minutes of watching this prison guard torture, this dude at Abu Ghraib or a Pakistani black site. And so what happens is I'm watching the movie and I just see her and she goes like this. She goes. Like, and looks around because she has no idea where she is because she had just been like, she fell asleep. And then she looks at me and I go, what was the last thing you saw? And she goes, what do you mean?

And I was like, what was that? How long has it been? How long do I have to rewind? What was the last thing you saw? And she goes, what do you mean? And I was like, how long has it been? How long do I have to rewind? What was the last thing that you saw? And she goes, the guy was in the truck with the other guy. What are you talking about? I just saw it. I go, that was 46 minutes ago. Movie's done.

And I'll just turn it off because I'm like, dude, I've already seen Dark Thirty 462 times. I'm only watching this because I want you to, I want to live vicariously through you as you watch these torture tactics. Like I want you to see what I've saw for the first time, you know? Right. Does she like, what movies does she like? She's cool.

That's the thing. She's a cool girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? Like she's a cool girlfriend. And like, no offense to other girlfriends I've had had but you weren't as cool as my cool girlfriend all right I'm sorry my current girlfriend is cool as shit and so like she like dude she shows me songs and stuff right and but she she also will just try to steal my whole playlist because I have this private playlist that she's a part of and And then when I get in her car, when I go to Miami, because she lives in Miami, it's all my songs.

And she plays it like they're her songs. And I'm like, dude, these aren't your songs. This is my playlist. You put them on your playlist. You stole my playlist and you're claiming it to be yours now. But like she, so she picks some little cues up and that's one of obviously like guys favorite things is to be able to show a girl. Yeah. Cool shit.

But no, she showed me a movie that I swore I would never watch. You guys already know what I'm talking about. I promised everyone. I promised every girl I would never watch. I promised every guy that no girl would ever let me watch. Let me pull it up. You can pull it up on the screen. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

That's it. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I watched that bad boy on Valentine's Day. And did you absolutely love it? It was a good movie. It was a good movie. For sure, dude. It was a good movie.

Like, to say that that was not a good movie. Their chemistry was crazy. Yeah. Do you think they bonked at, like, in real life? They did. They were together. They dated. Oh, my bad. Now I know there's a bunch of fanfic girls that are going to be pissed at me. Wait a second. I do want to ask you this question because I know I watched your episode with Sophia. And I know that you are friends with Exis.

And I wanted to know your general thoughts about when it's okay to be friends with exes and when it's generally like no like this cannot happen oh you guys do some drama on this show some yeah uh you can be friends with your ex until your ex decides to talk shit about your current girlfriend oh that's a fucking that's a blatant line as soon as anyone disrespects your lover, that relationship is done. Oh, yeah. Like, like, like if it's unless it's like your your brother or your best friend or whatever, and you have to have a real talking to them about it and be like, yo, what you do? Like, I've had that talking to when I've not purposely, but I've mistakenly or in some way disrespected other people's girlfriends. And I've had that talk with people like, hey, man, you're my best friend.

That's my future wife. Like this shit's done. You never speak like that ever again. You know what I'm saying? Like I've been on the opposite end of those conversations. So, so when it's an ex that the person that you're dating is already like a little bit not great about as soon as that person understandably so yeah but say that doesn't happen say they're they're very respectful i mean i mean listen it just it just comes down to it comes down to the individual person right i think i think i think some girl i think i think the majority of girls don't want their their boyfriends current boyfriends talking to their ex-girlfriend and vice versa guys are justice guys are justice territorial I I'm I'm like a little bit I'm a little bit I'm a little bit sick okay in that it's okay you're in good company no no in that like I have I have like a really

as much as I have anxiety I also have a really like weird thought about myself that like, you can like kind of really like talk to other people because you're not going to fuck this up with me. And I, that, I know that's so narcissistic to say, but like, like, like if, if, if I found out that like my girl was like, had a phone call with her ex or something, I would just be like, oh, like, what did he say? You know what with her ex or something, I would just be like, Oh, like what did he say? You know what I'm saying? Like I wouldn't start flipping out about it.

Cause I would be like, I do, I deliver in every vertical. You're secure. Exactly. I guess that's where I'm getting at. Well, yeah,

you're not, but didn't you, you're avoidant sometimes with a commitment stuff, but you're secure in who you, what you bring to the relationship. My ex, my ex girlfriend to, to to to speak quickly on it used to get dms and i'm not going to name specific people but used to get dms from the biggest

we're talking about lana lana yeah you see a dms from the biggest actors rappers athletes on the planet okay literally while we were dating and they would message her and and they probably didn't even know she was in a relationship with little old me because what do they care? They just know that she's a sex worker and she would whatever, right? And I never, there was never a moment where I was like, oh my God, like I'm going to lose this. I am so secure in how I know a girl feels about me. This is a good mother. Good relationship with mom.

I just, I don't know how to describe it. I honestly, like, if she tells me that one of them disrespected her, it's a different story, right? Right. And I've had some beefs. I had some beefs with, you know, some rappers that I'm not going to name because I didn't even really want to beef with them because they'd probably murder me.

But, like, there were some nasty attempts on her by rappers who were in relationships with other very high-profile entertainers. Right. And I was going to go on Twitter and tag their better half and say, yo, come get your man. Yeah. And then I was like, you know what? The urge would be strong for me too,

especially if they're known and they're famous, where it's like, all right, dude, like I'm just giving, I'm just honking the horn here. Come get your fucking shitty boyfriend. But do you want to know what she did and what my current girlfriend does? As soon as that DM came through, it would be in my face. Like, how do you want me to respond to this? Or would you like to? Right. Immediately.

Didn't matter if it was Drake. Didn't matter if it was Ronaldo. I'm not saying that these were things that happened. Maybe they did. Maybe you like to? Right. Immediately. I don't matter if it was Drake. Didn't matter if it was Ronaldo. I'm not saying that these were things that happened. Maybe they did. Maybe they didn't. Right. But, but if as soon as that DM came through,

this person just DM me, me and you are dating. How do you want me to deal with it? I love this. And that's what I, that's the same thing that I get from my current girlfriend. Because when you provide, when you provide the

way that you should girls are not like men the majority of girls are not like men men have a men are men have a have to work a little bit I'll just say it to to not wander okay there are girls who do too sure but if our needs are met. Oh, as soon as you stop meeting those needs, that's a different story. Right. Especially for some girls. But as long as you are providing relationship security, you know, your actions reflect the things that you're promising, meaning you're not cheating. They're not in any way worried about you being unfaithful. You're providing for them a friendship, a loyal friendship. You're providing for them some level

of entertainment and fun and excitement in their lives. Whatever it is that you're able to do, that could be Applebee's, that could be Ibiza, right? Whatever it is. And I'll just, and you're showing up where it matters in the bedroom as well. Like to like, that's another great thing. Some girls might not even require that, but you know, when it's a good thing. Okay. So if you're handling those aspects, those important aspects of life, and they feel like the relationship is moving down a path, at least some way, I'll be however slow it is in the right direction.

I'll be however slow it is in the right direction. You can find girls that are unwilling to waver no matter who it is that's going after them. And how ferocious. 100%. They are locked in. Women create a physiological bond with males that does not see wealth. It does not see artistry. It does not see fame. It sees nothing.

Aren't we amazing? No, no, no. It's one of the most chemically this is gonna shock you mike i've never received a dm from drake or any yeah yeah super famous rappers i don't know why um i always loved it when i always love it still when partners let me handle that shit on my own or have a have faith in me that I can turn this person down like I don't need my partner to fight those battles you shouldn't and I don't want them to and I want to say no on my own accord because it's it comes from me and not because like my boyfriend is hovering over me and I love that feeling of being like it's it's it's a no not because I have a partner it's a no across the board can I share the toxic version which I used to engage in in my 20s which was like in the unhealthy relationships to sort of gain attention

in the relationship it's like oh well guess who who is hitting me up today and guess who is interested? And then the other person is also is meeting me at my toxic level. And they're like, what the fuck? They get all angry. And then the second I try that with my now partner, he's like, OK, he doesn't care. And I'm like, oh, my God. Wait. And by the way, and by the way, switch goes off in your head like, okay, check that box. That's not working. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm saying?

And by the way, like, that's another example, whether you're in a toxic relationship or not, of, like, I just am also not ever, like, a super tight-leash person in general. Like, and I'm sure nowadays you can't even say that because people will be like, what are they, dogs? Like a leash? Well, I used to babysit for a Beverly Hills housewife and they know everything. And she always told me that when you're with a man, keep him on a long leash.

So I think leash plays. It goes both ways. Leash plays both ways. 100%. People need their freedom. People need to maintain their individuality and their individual identity. It's so important. And if you feel like you cannot trust your partner to handle a

situation like that in their own accord without you running into a bar where a guy might be, then you're with the wrong partner. You're with the wrong partner. I, there is not a day that goes by where I ever, ever, ever had to to or have to worry about my partner. It just does not, it doesn't happen. If, if, if that day comes now, now, as on a side note, once we broke up, she got impregnated by a basketball player, by an NBA star, you know what I'm saying, Lana, right? So like, yes, like once, once there's a breakdown that all goes out the window, right. But we had been broken up for a year. None of that matters.

It's not a part of the storyline whatsoever, right? But like that is how – I don't even remember where we started all of this. Being friends with exes. Right, right. Yeah. I just don't think – I think it depends on the person. I think it depends on the person. I think it depends on the person. I think it depends on the quality of, or the security of that person.

It's a case by case. Because there are definitely exes of mine who if I encountered on the streets, like I would punch in the dicks, like just right there. I ironically don't have that relationship with any of my exes. There are exes of mine that were just terrible. Scumbags. To this day, I still think are terrible human beings who will never, ever have a morsel of accountability.

So I'm like, okay, like, just, I hate them. And then there are exes like Bobby, who I think is going to be not just a friend, but one of my best friends probably for the rest of my life. Like, so, you know know and we were together for a decade so it's just it's just it's case by case there are some that you know when you start the relationship there's almost that feeling of like do we go romantic or are we just meant to be friends because that friendship is so deep you're like oh i get you like we're we're connected like right and then it's like that soul bond yeah it is a soul bond

um do you got do you ever ask me do you ever see like is there any possibility that you guys ever get back together um i ask this like once a week yes i'm fitting right in here um i think that there was a point not too long ago where I thought that was still a possibility. And there are a lot of times in the last two years where I've been like, hey, you're definitely you're done with me. Right. Because I'm moving on. I just want to make sure you're done with me. And I think I was asking that question because there was a part of me that still left a sliver open in case he was ready to finally like step up and whatever. But now, no. And the reason is I just want something so different.

Bobby is 52. He is reliving sort of this, like he is like kind of, there's a youth about him. Like he's just having so much fun. And I am just, we're not on the same page. Like I want a family. I want a steady partner.

I want to have a life outside of the industry. I want to be able to turn everything off like we talked about earlier i want there's a part of me that yearns for like a simple like loving life and i think he is too um he is too addicted to the rush of this this kind of life he would probably admit that yeah we've talked about this we've talked about this. We've talked about this. That was so well articulated. And I just don't think we're there anymore. And I changed and I've, you know, he met me when I was 27. I'm 28. I'm 39 now. And I'm just a different person. And I want to chill the fuck out. I want to have a baby. I want a loving partner to just fucking do nothing with.

And he's just not that. Bobby is a, he runs hot, very similar to you. It's like, I think he was out of the womb. There are just some people who are so wonderfully magical, but run hot. And he is one of those. Yeah. It's been something that I've, and thank you for sharing that. It's interesting. And I, you know, I think you nailed it. You really did articulate it perfectly. I think that's something that I, you know, I'm just working on it as I go because like up in the air,

I see the magic and I feel the magic at times, right? And so we'll see how it all plays out. And that's the art of this life. It's a, it's a puzzle and a lot of little pieces come together. And in the end, you've created this beautiful tapestry that is your life. And, you know, some of the pieces are fucked up and smashed up and beaten up and other pieces are perfect and worked out perfectly. And, you know, you just, you just, you just take it day by day and you build it out as you go, you know, and, and right now in my life, I'm, I'm putting together, continuing to put together that little outline. So I know how, how I, who I

am and how it's contained and where this type of stuff fits and, and all, like all of us, like all of us, you know, we're all just figuring it out as we go. And so... You know, there's this thing that people speak about art and being an artist and the journey of being an artist that really is coming up for me with what you're talking about with your attachment and receiving love,

which is people say that before you're able to create great art, you just kind of know what art you like and what you don't like but you can't make the good art yet and so it's almost like you kind of are knowing what you want but you can't you're not able to to do it yet but you that's that is how you get there I know and that's another thing that I've been loving about all of this is like everything I'm doing is putting me on the path to get there. Right? And like we've had our moments and she's been extremely patient with that.

And I've been like, dude, listen, like this is – I'm working on it. I'm working on making time. I'm working on being present. on those moments of affection that may be missing from the things that I've been through and from maybe in some ways I've become hardened in certain ways. And I need to break those walls down again and become this more loving, you know, person and more vulnerable in that aspect of my life. I don't take this the wrong way, but like you come off like there. I see the mush in you.

Yeah, I know. Like I can feel it. Like it's so close. It's like right there. Yeah. But maybe there are some things still like blocking. That's what it. No, that's legitimately what it is.

But it's there. It's definitely. It's not something that needs to grow or hasn't existed. The mush is there. I think you just need to like unlock it the mush is very likable and a mush is the best i hope you're inspiring other guys who aren't able to be as so in touch as you are like i hope that because you feel like you're setting a good example of being like i'm a i'm avoidant like i would love there's so many men I would love to hear. Just say that. Oh my God, dude, the best, the best thing you can ever be. And the most like really one of the most attractive things in this world is aware. Like, like dude, like if you're just

simply aware of your shortcomings and are, and you don't even really need to be vulnerable enough to express them in any setting. I do that too. I'm so far out there. Like I'll tell you, like you guys were talking about hemorrhoids on the last podcast. We went a different direction this one, huh? No, I mean we can get into it. You know what I'm saying? You got some?

Not right now. Okay, not right now. But like I'm willing to talk about and express everything because I'm an open book. But if you can just prove that and show that you are aware, even to yourself, of your shortcomings and you know what those weaknesses are, that is such a beautiful thing to show to people because there's so many people out there, like obviously the youth,

but even in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, who are so unaware of what they're doing, what they're saying, how they're affecting others, how they're. But to the rest of the world, it's like they have this like facade and everyone believes they're so fucking great. Isn't it frustrating? Isn't it frustrating? Oh my God. It literally keeps me up at night. I see it.

No, no, no. I see it all day. I see it all day. A lot of it exists obviously on, on X and, and, and X has become completely detached from reality. I mean, it's just, it's the, the wild fucking West of God bless free speech, but like the shit that is being said and shared there. I mean, we, we talked about a little bit on the tiger belly episodes. We won't get into conspiracy theory on this one, but like these people that that believe that they have

some sort of achievement of real wokeness not the wokeness from five years ago but this new wokeness of breaking out of the matrix and like knowing these things that somehow they've been entrusted to know but no one else knows and they're going to school everybody it's so it's just such a sickening thing that shit is like messiah complex no it is the most insane thing I've ever seen and they and by the way they're the same people who claim to be soldiers of God

not only that who by the way are playing God it's it's I fucking hate it it keeps me up at night and I'm not even gonna do that turn off your phone I know I know and after at night and I'm not even gonna... Don't let it do that. Turn off your phone and after this episode, which I'm gonna piss my pants soon. I know we're probably close. You're pregnant.

She's already pissed her pants. Yeah, she already pissed her pants on this episode. Please, after you watch this episode this evening or this afternoon, please put your phone down. Please put your phone down for a little while. Digest some of the stuff that we talked about. See if any of it's applicable to your life. See if any of it resonates with the story that you're currently going through. And if you are out there watching this episode

right now, you're having the worst day of your life. You're, you're holding on for dear life. You're struggling. You're trying to make ends meet. You're dealing with addiction. You're, you're dealing with voices in your head. You're dealing with the struggle that so many of us face. And that includes me, somebody who goes through it every single day and loves you and cares about you. Your life matters and it gets better. So please just zoom out, look at your life and understand not every day is a good day. But that doesn't mean tomorrow is not going to be one. So just keep going.

And yeah. That's so sweet. Mike, we would love to see you again soon. Whenever you guys want. We have a lot to cover still. You fit in. And yeah. That's so sweet. Mike, we would love to see you again soon. Whenever you guys want. We have a lot to cover still. You fit in. So much. We barely touched the Twilight Zone.

I know. I know. But I'm going to go watch some tonight. I'm excited. Oh. I'm in the mood. Wait. Do you remember the title of the shelter one?

Because that's the one I want. I think it's the bunker or the shelter. I think it's called the shelter. See, I even know the names. Like, like, it's, it's really, really like scary. Like I, I know like kind of what seasons they were from. I even know like the weird ones, like where they end up on this weird train that doesn't like have a stop at the last stop is like, they die. Like weird cities that don't have people in them.

Oh, um, wait, Pleasant, what? There's, there are so many, the episode where the quarter stands on one shit. Oh, wait, Pleasant, what? There's, there are so many, the episode where the quarter stands on one end, the episode where, obviously, the most famous,

you know, Nightmare 30,000 Feet. What about the banging? Oh, and the Martians. Oh, I thought you were talking about the old lady

where the aliens attack. No, not that one. And they stab her in the leg and they're this big. Oh my God. There's just so many episodes you i would please if i could promote two things right now one of them is the twilight zone if you have not watched the rod sterling classic the twilight zone um please please go dive into some of the top episodes of

the show there's so many it's such an incredible show and if you feel like reading or listening to an audiobook please pick up the fifth vital um if you feel like reading or listening to an audio book, please pick up the fifth vital. Um, if you are struggling with any of the things that we talked about on today's show, it's a, it's a bestselling book that's available on Amazon and audible. Um, it is my life's work. It's the most important thing that I've ever done and probably the most important thing that I'll ever do. Um, and so please, um, please check that out. Where can we get smash burgers? 10, 10 burger coming to a city near you soon. That's a passion project for me, but God dang, it takes a long time to do brick and mortars.

Holy shit. There's so many obstacles. But maybe if you're at Coachella or if you're at a place like that, there will be pop-ups everywhere. Cool. At 1010 Burger on Instagram. I love a Smash Burger, so I will be following this account. Thank you. Mike, thank you so much

for being here. This was so fun. And thank you to our listeners. And we will see you next week with a brand new episode as always.