Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Miranda Cosgrove Exposed!

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Miranda Cosgrove AKA the sweetest celebrity to exist joins Khalyla and Esther this week! They talk about their cheap Dads, Stalkers, Miranda trying to be a Normal USC girly, Esther and Miranda’s sweet/weird friendship. Plus we force Miranda to deliver bad news to Esther and giggles ensue. Thank you to our sponsors: Skims -  The Fits Everybody collection is available in sizes XXS to 4X. You can shop now at skims.com/trashtuesday. Plus, get free shipping on orders over seventy five dollars! After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select “podcast” in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Draftkings - Download the Draftkings Casino app NOW and use code TRASHTUESDAY. New players get an instant deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit five dollars or more. The crown is yours. Quince - Indulge in affordable luxury! Go to quince.com/trash to get free shipping and 365-day returns.       Esther’s new movie: DRUGSTORE JUNE! Still Available in Theaters and you can now Pre-Order via Streaming Platforms!  https://www.drugstorejune.com/   MORE Miranda Cosgrove! Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/mirandacosgrove/ Twitter -https://twitter.com/MirandaCosgrove  00:00 - Doctor Cosgrove Noticed a Hemorrhoid 00:43 - Drugstore June available to Stream 01:55 - Tigerbelly in Hawaii! 02:30 - Auditioning as a Kid 05:53 - Miranda Cosgrove: Exposed! 06:32 - Frugal Fathers: Parking at USC 10:14 - Frugal Fathers: Bulbs Are a Gift From God 11:32 - Getting Recognized in Public 13:34 - Stalker Study Group 17:26 - Untouchable 19:34 - Top Five Candy 22:29 - Very Different Prom Experiences 26:46 - Mono: The Cool Girl Disease 28:09 - Homeschooling vs. Learning on Set 34:02 - Claimed by the Filipino Community 35:40 - Animal Saving Work 38:03 - Delivering Bad News With a Smile 44:15 - Micro Habits That Increase Feminine Energy 46:09 - Soft Mode and the 2nd Brain 49:01 - Percentages 51:13 - Ever Been Hit On? 55:35 - Keeping Daters on the Apps 58:18 - He Wasn’t an American Boy 01:02:29 - Wrap Up           Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8X Trash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday     Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Rick and Esther Have a Time - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rick-and-esther-have-a-time/id1694264079      Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee http://instagram.com/bobbyleelive Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen  🍬  https://www.candyedits.com     Produced by: Real Good Touring & Ten42 Podcast Producer(s): Stella Young  Edited By: Andrew Tarr (Audio) & Vidpros (Video + Clips) This Video Contains Paid Advertising

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They just kind of notice? You guys, I'm so excited to announce that Drugstore June is finally available digitally. It is available on Apple, on Amazon, wherever you can purchase movies on demand. And today's guest, Miranda Cosgrove, is one of my co-stars. And I can't wait for you guys to see the movie. So check it out on Apple or wherever you can buy movies. Thank you to today's sponsor, Skims. Skims!

The Fits Everybody collection is available in sizes XXS to 4X, baby. You can shop now at Skims.com slash trash Tuesday, all lowercase. Plus, get free shipping on orders over $75. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quince.com slash trash for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash trash to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash trash. You guys, Tiger Belly is doing another date and this time it's in Hawaii. We are so excited. Bobby and I honestly like specifically requested that we play here. It's going to be so fun. Tiger Belly shows unique, super interactive, and nonstop fun. I hope to see you there.

I hope to give you a big hug. And yep, I'll see you April 26th. Go get tickets at tigerbellylive.com. See you there. My Filipino family was very superstitious about like if good things happen, bad things are just around the corner. Oh, so if you go too crazy,

something worse is going to happen. Correct. And which is a really, it's like, it's so untrue. There's nothing right about that. But then you get traumatized as a kid over and over. And you're not allowed to laugh too hard at things that are funny. You're not allowed to celebrate winning a gold medal if you are an athlete. Just nothing. Imagine you with a gold medal. if you are an athlete. Just nothing.

Imagine you with a gold medal. I should show you pictures of when I was in the podium. Not a lot to smile. I was just like... A nervous wreck. That's so sad. So sad. I remember my one year

as a child actor. I always forget you were a child actor. That's fair. That's really fair. You should. I was in like three commercials, but the agents are like, expect to go on a hundred auditions and get one. That is true.

It's accurate. Yeah. I feel like that's such a weird thing to throw onto a kid, that type of rejection that early on. But it's so good for you. It probably is. Because then nothing can hurt you as in your adulthood. Don't you have that in a way or no? You don't know. You're like the opposite. Everything hurts me. No, I'm so sensitive. Are you kidding me? No, like all the rejection I've

had, even like emotional rejection from my parents have only made me want it more as an adult, not for you. I guess. Yeah. It makes me feel like I need it. Did you ever need to be an actor? I don't see that in you. Well, it is kind of weird because when I started acting, I was three, so I don't even remember. So I don't know if I would have wanted to be an actor if I hadn't started so young. But what got you into your child acting? Was it because you wanted to when you were little? Because I had no attention. Wait, you asked your parents to be like, hey, can I audition for this? Are you kidding? Yeah. I mean, she was just thrown into it, right? That's never the story.

Wait, really? Esther, how weird. I thought that was normal. It's like, you're a little kid. You want people to watch you tap dance. And then finally your mom sees the article in the newspaper that's like agents auditioning children. And then you get in a commercial for juvenile diabetes. And all your dreams come true. No? I'm imagining you at the audition with all the other kids not wanting to be there being forced and you're like, no wonder I got it. No wonder they love me. I was like so excited. Your mom's all pissed and annoyed and doesn't want to be there. I can't picture you being reluctant like at auditioning as a kid. I feel like you were just. I would get really nervous when I was little. Not when I was three, but when I got older,

when I was maybe nine or ten, I got really shy. But you don't even want it. Why were you scared? I was still, I was freaked out. I would try to peek into the room to see how many people were inside so I could try to calm down. Like if there was only two, then it's not scary. Have they since changed the audition process for kids?

I don't know. How would we know? I'm sure now they're like very careful about how the child is sort of like reared in this industry. But I mean, I imagine back then it was just the same probably as adults, like a cattle call, right? Anyways, we're not here to talk about my childhood. I do want to say, though, today's episode it should be titled Miranda Cosgrove exposed because we're going in on her. I'm gonna expose you. I'm scared. For the weird weird person that you are and honestly like truly one of my best friends and I definitely must

identify as a child star because I think we're the same person. They get along so well. Yeah. It's like, oh, I was that delusional. I thought I was a star by Carly, I guess. Like that's the confidence I must have had for how similar I think we are. The first thing I want to talk about is obviously the similarity in our dads. Yes. Your dad has like no faith in you. My dad, when it comes to money, he is the most frugal human being you will ever meet. And he has no faith in me when it comes to money.

He's very worried. But it's like weird because you're obviously very successful. And the thing that stands out to me so much is that you went to USC, right? And when you went to USC, right? And when you went to USC, were you done with the show? Yeah. So I finished the show and then I went pretty much immediately. What age were you done with the show? 20. Okay. So at that point, you're 20, you would start on like one of the biggest shows of, you know, a generation, if not the biggest. And look, I'm not saying like you were Tom Cruise rich. No, I get it. But your dad said that he didn't want you to spend money on parking at USC.

Yes. So you would be late to class because you were circling for parking. I was late all semester because it's maybe $700 or something like that to get a year parking pass. That is a lot. And it is a lot. But my dad was like, you know, get up in the morning, like circle the block. He was like, you don't need that parking pass. And then it became a huge, like it was a real source of us not getting along because even midway through the year I was like I could still get one but you have to pay you have to pay the full amount still no yeah and he was like no he was like you've made it this far he was like you're gonna make it to the end of the year so I did but I was circling a lot and all the parking people knew me like they they would see me

this is like the saddest story I've ever heard. It's so weird. Like, you were probably the most famous kid at USC. Like, would you say? I was not allowed to park. Metered parking. Sometimes I would go to the metered parking and I'd have to come out. During the class, I'd be like, I have to go to the restroom so I could. This is literally iCarly, This is literally iCarly, you guys. This is not okay. Did you ever get parking tickets? I did a couple of times get parking tickets.

I didn't tell my dad. But I feel like that would have like strengthened your case. That's true. Just be like, look, I can't find parking. I get desperate. And now here's an $80 ticket. And it's going to accumulate. And it's going to exceed $700 by the end of the semester i should have made a powerpoint on why why i deserve that's what kids do now they like on

tiktok there's all these kids that make powerpoints for their christmas list i've seen that yours would have just been a parking space for school to learn after you just worked for 10 years or whatever 15 years he was really happy though when i made it to the end of the year. He was like, see? He was like, you made it. You did it. Are you low-key kind of proud, though, that you did make it? Yeah. Were you good at parallel parking?

I'm not great at parallel parking. I'm not great at parking in general, but I made it through that year, that semester. parking in general, but I made it through that year, that semester. What is your dad super frugal about that you remember as a kid being like, okay, like this has got to stop? I mean, obviously the moment where you're in the movie theater and you click open the can of soda you brought from home and everyone can hear it like that. I'll never forget. A lot of it is movie related, actually, like my dad dropping me off in a movie theater with like the bucket of popcorn from yesterday and being like, don't come back dad would embarrass me publicly because he didn't feel like bulbs, onions or garlic or things that grew under the ground that we had to pay for any of the bulbs.

So he would go into Vons. He would buy all of the necessities, let's suppose. Like he had to buy oil or fruits or produce. He'd buy that. But he would always leave with pockets full of onions and garlic that he would steal. What? Because he was like, never pay for bulbs.

Like bulbs are a gift from God. Do not pay for bulbs. I mean, I don't know why he thought specifically bulbs, but always big pockets on the way out. I think it's like an older man generation. Way of life. Yeah. It's a Way of life. Yeah, it's a way of life. And then it does get

passed down, but also I spend, I don't know, I don't think I'm honoring him that much. Do you valet? Yeah, I do. Do you valet, Miranda? I do. I hope my dad doesn't see this. He does

never do. I do not want to be seen publicly as a bad influence on you. You're spending in front of your dad. I feel like are you valeting because Esther valets? I'm so scared. You've both broken the cycle. Congrats. Thank you. No, no, no.

Wait, now also, crazy thing about your life is that you are so famous and so recognizable, but because the people who are fans of you when they were kids, like sometimes when people recognize you, it's like they tend to feel like silly and embarrassed and like kind of almost make fun of you. Sometimes. Something really funny happened the other day in Target. There was a kid in the toy aisle looking at stuff and I was passing by with a cart. And I guess because iCarly came out on Netflix not that long ago. Yeah. Like the original iCarly. Which by the way, when it came out, it was trending as number one for like weeks.

Yeah. So I guess all these kids started watching it. They never knew it existed. Uh-oh. You're like, oh no. But this little boy was maybe seven and he looked up at me and he kept looking at me and then he was like, you got old. It's so crazy because you actually didn't. It must be so weird though for him because if he saw me when I was 12 recently. And he's just looking. Is that something you even like adults, say, for instance, who did watch you when they were younger, do they sort of sometimes treat you and infantilize you and keep you stuck in that like version they have in their heads? Maybe a little bit because sometimes people, even kids' parents will still like come up to me and act like I'm a kid sometimes because they watch the show with their kids and they feel like I'm still little like I was on the show maybe.

When you were in college, did you feel like people were kind of like—because I feel like in college kids get shy and weird around a famous person. Was that awkward for you being the famous kid at your school? It actually wasn't bad. It helped me, I think, because I am kind of maybe a more introverted person. So when I was at school, like the first semester at USC, I was just looking for the parking spot most of the time. And I didn't meet anybody or really make any friends. SC was just driving school for you. A lot of driving. I do have a strange story about, um, I met these girls at USC the second semester I was there and they were really cool. And they asked me if I wanted to study with them. And like the whole semester, they were kind of like the most popular, like the girls that were, and I never went to high school.

So I was like, oh, this is what like being in high school is like, like this is the clique of cool girls. Like you made it. Right. So when they asked me, I was excited. And then I went a few times to their dorm and then to study and then something happened and they needed a place to study. And I said, oh, we can study at my house. So they drove from downtown to where I live in LA and I had everything all set up and I wanted it to go well. And then you already know this story, but the whole thing with, I had a person come to my house and try to kill me. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. It's just the way she says it. I don't, I always say things in the worst way. I'm going to interject because we are going to play a game about this later. But when I was working with you on iCarly, we kept, I don't think we ever got it to air, but we wanted to do a story about how Miranda delivers the worst news in like the sweetest,

almost funniest, charming way. And like, she just did it. She's like, so this guy was trying to kill me. Like, it's just, and you can't help but laugh, but it's just, I don't know what it is about you and your personality. You just deliver everything with a smile. Like you should start a business where you're like, you break up with people. I go to people's doors and you deliver bad news. Yes. It would feel so comforting. Anyways, keep going. But so a couple of days before the incident with the guy that came to

my house, I had never met the guy before, but he came to my house and I, this was years ago too, and tried to kill me. When that happened. It's so sad because I did read about this and it sounded absolutely terrifying, but I'm so glad you're. It turned out okay. It turned out okay. Yeah. You got to laugh. What else can you do?

Honestly, it's so grim. To cope through life. I laughed my way through my grandma's funeral. Like your grandpa. Oops. My grandma's still alive. I forgot. Your grandma's still alive. Yeah. So two days before that happened, I had the study group at my house. And the whole time I was inside trying to get these girls to think I was cool and like me and want me to be in the group, this guy was actually in my backyard with a gun

pacing back and forth in my backyard the entire time. Oh my God. All the girls were there? Yes, with me and all the girls studying and me bringing food in and trying to win them over. Because later when everything happened and the police came, they checked the security footage. And so two days before he had

already been there and he was burying things in the backyard didn't you bury like chocolate milk in your backyard yeah chocolate milk and ropes and horizon you knew oh wow is this bad for horizon is on top of the game we can't hurt them that's true they're huge. But yeah, so it was just crazy that I found out after the fact. And then while you were first trying to like have friends, there was a man with a gun in your backyard. And then the police had to call all of the girls because for a split second, they didn't because they didn't know who he was. So they were trying to figure out his identity. So they called all the girls thinking maybe it was one of their ex-boyfriends or somehow related to them. And all of them. Please don't call my friends. Please don't call my friends. I was. I was like, please just leave them out of this. They don't have to know.

They don't have to be a part of this. This is so grim and funny. Oh my God. How's your relationship with those girls now? I don't know them anymore they were how do you think they're like we went in our house once and we almost died we're out okay wait the other thing is neither of us drink yes you're the only person i know besides me i know i feel like ever like you've never tasted you've never tried, you've never tried, never had one. I've tasted alcohol. Have you? I have like tasted it but spit it out. Like it's too – I'm scared of it. I've always said like I like eating too much that I think I would then get like too addicted to alcohol. But you've tried it and it just didn't do anything to you. Well, that happened to me with edibles.

Yes. We went to Vegas to see Lady Gaga perform jazz. Do jazz. And we also saw Gwen Stefani, though. That was so fun. That was fun. They were both fun. And I was like in my heavy weed phase.

And so I'm like, Miranda, just take an edible gummy. Come on. And you did. And much like you told me before. It does nothing. It does nothing to you. It's weird because the first time I ever tried anything, I ate a brownie and I fell asleep for 16 hours. But then ever since, I'm untouchable. It won't do anything to me. I don't know why.

I'm actually surprised knowing you that you didn't get hooked when it let you sleep for 16 hours. That sounds really nice. It was a really good deep sleep. What does alcohol do to you then? With drinking, I've never been like even buzzed. So it's never really done anything to me. You really are untouchable. Well, I haven't done it, so it doesn't.

But with edibles, one of the times I did it, it didn't go well and I haven't done it ever since. So I have had a bad experience. The very last time was not good. I went back to my parents' house too when I was, I went to a friend's house and I think I took the wrong, I don't know what happened, but when I got to my parents' house, I was eating a baguette and I was really stressed. I was eating a baguette and I was really stressed. Did they know? My mom knew something was wrong. Were they like, were they happy for you that you were like living life?

No, they were extremely concerned and then I never did it again. So you're like living the full sober lifestyle. Like you don't, there's no, but you do love candy. I love candy. That's it. it okay another like Miranda exposed list I'll go to her house and like we'll hike and then we'll come back to her house and there's just like a bag of fun size candy and she's just like oh it's like post hike and just like eating mini twits and stickers I I'm like, I love candy, but like after a hike, that's how you replenish? It just doesn't seem smart. What are your top five, both of you?

Candies. Bunch O' Crunch. Okay, great choice. What? I love Bunch O' Crunch. You don't like them? That's like you just don't really hear that one. It's my favorite one.

Cookie Dough Bites. These are all ones that you only get at the movie theater. Yeah. This is weird. Minnie Hershey's. Gummy Bears that are finally in. What? The finished? Gummy Bears. The sour ones that have the

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sour gummies. Is that five? I'm not going to move. And the fifth is hmm. Oh, I like Nerds a lot. No, you need another one. And the fifth is, hmm. Oh, I like Nerds a lot. I know they're old, but they're really good. They're having a resurgence. The clusters.

I feel like I lost a taste for Nerds after 12. Yeah, I do too. This is weird. Maybe it's the one thing I have since I don't drink. I still have the taste buds for Nerds. I would say like Twix. What? Interesting.

Is your number one Twix? Kind of. Yeah, actually. I would have never pegged you for a Twix girl. The caramel, the crunch, 100 grand. What? What's 100 grand? What?

I don't know what that is. What is going on with you we have nothing in common anymore it's like crunchy with caramel do you guys not like caramel what is going on i do like caramel do you caramel yeah i can't even say it anymore i say caramel oh no 100 grand feels yeah feels what you're sounding like a really like old dad no old dad would be like babe ruth oh love babe ruth see that's crazy sour patch watermelon okay yeah come on you forgot to mention i love sour yeah sour patch watermelon or sour patch regular khalilah what about i don't picture you eating candy ever you were my obsession i don't think either of you maybe have tried this,

but it's a Hawaiian candy called Noms. And they're very sour. They come with the belts, the gummies, and I got to bring you guys a big box of it. It is the best, most addicting thing ever. And I cannot live without them now. I do love a sour, sweet situation. So sour.

Lemony. It's a combination. It has it all and it has the nerds flavor. It has a nerds little bundle too. It has dino eggs. They have it all. They're called noms. I have a weird question. Like because you were working your childhood in like teen years, is there anything from normal kid growing up life that you're like, oh, I wonder what that would have been like or that you missed out? I never went to prom. That's right, because you didn't go to high school, right? Yeah, so I missed prom. I'm trying to think of anything else.

I clogged the toilet at my prom. You did? It's not all that. It's cracked up to me. Did anyone know it was you or no? No. Well, my date did. Why did you have to tell him?

I told him. Why? Just because because I just can't really keep things you were that close yeah but prom like did you go to prom I went to prom yeah I don't um so prom was in Blair High School I went to what was considered a reject school and um it was fun. I think it was maybe not the American education that I thought I would be getting, but it was an education of sorts because I grew up in the Philippines and I came here in high school. But prom was just really, really fun. It was super ratchet. I think our chaperones were probably drunk and it was just a really fun time. It wasn't proper. I didn't clog any toilets. I went home with my hot older boyfriend and no one said anything. I'm here to tell you, don't listen to her. Prom was not fun. You did not miss anything.

School dances were so awkward. And like, I don't know. Really. Ours, we had LASA, which was like a Latin American student association night. And it was just a night of all just Spanish music and a lot of like people just going, like just dancing and having such a great time. I think maybe different schools, different vibes, but it was really fun for me. Do you guys remember what you wore? But it was really fun for me. Do you guys remember what you wore?

Yes. It was a very like mid 2000s, like strapless dress with like extra fabric and then like an uneven. Remember the dresses were like. Yes. Asymmetrical line. Yes. Which those are back now. They are.

And I hate that they're back. I don't think they did anything for the kneecaps. What do you mean? It was always some weird. I don't I don't know. But my hit the knees at a funny spot or something? Yeah. My dress was based on Halle Berry's purple cowl neck dress.

I had a very tight budget and I went to a really cheap seamstress and I was like, can you make this dress? She's like, can't double line it. I was like, whatever you have to do, just make it, give me the silhouette. And it was really pretty and it was backless and it was a cowl neck and it looked exactly the same. It was a replica. And I was so in love with it. That is a dream to have like a movie star replica dress. Are there any events that you attended or got to go to that felt like, oh my God, this is such a big deal. This is like prom instead. they have a homeschooling prom. No. They do? They do.

I never went. But they try to get you. They work really hard to try to get you every year to come because not a lot of people go because you don't know the other people. Right. So it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. You'd just be meeting people for the first time. Yeah.

Is it anyone from homeschooling or is it like a specific? It's a specific homeschooling program, but I think a lot of the homeschooling programs do that. But also the homeschooling program I was with in high school, they would have me come in twice a year to do a PE test. And it was the only time I saw the other kids that were part of the homeschooling program. Was it ever other actors? Well, usually, but it was weird because with mine, most of the people were trying to be in the Olympics. So when I did the PE test, I had to do it against all these Olympian hopefuls. It was so crazy looking back. And I'm super not coordinated in any way too. Did you fail gym? I mean, I passed, but they were all incredible. Yeah. You felt like you walked out feeling like you failed gym.

Yeah. That's such a weird thing to require twice a year. Like what do they make you do? Just like sit-ups? Sit-ups. I had to run around the track. It wasn't even a track. I think it was a parking lot outside of the homeschooling office. When I had mono and I got to be homeschooled. What a cool girl disease to have. Was it high school? No, it was eighth grade actually. Did you brag about it? I know you bragged about it. I was proud. I was proud to have mono. Do you know how you got it? No, I was eighth grade, actually. Did you brag about it? I know you bragged about it. I was proud. I was proud to have mono. Do you know how you got it?

No, I don't. I do know how I gave it to another girl, but I don't know how I got it. How did you give it to another girl? We were sharing a Burger King Icy and like she got it like a week after me. And I was like, I'm that. That's mono? Yeah, I felt really bad. But like, I hope it's mono. Can someone test me for mono please

please give me mono and you know I milked it when I had mono I was like I just can't go back to school it's gonna be a long time you guys it really was a cool girl thing to have though because all the girls with big boobs had mono and they would always walk in like guys you know like I'm gonna miss a couple days it's mono and And they always like it was always a big titty girl. Oh, I missed like six months for mono. I had a private tutor like that was like paid for by the state because that's just going to say it wasn't your dad. Horrified. No, of course it was not paid for by my family.

And I oh, I loved it. Also, it was like the first, one of the rare times where an adult was like having one-on-one time with me and listening to me speak. So I was so addicted to my tutor. And homeschooling, in my experience, was an absolute joke. Like she would, I didn't know the answer to the test. They didn't care. They're like, here they are. Like, was it like that for you?

Did you actually learn? Well, since I never 100% did homeschooling, I had to do it on set. Yeah, tutoring. But it was still the same. And I had a tutor for a few years, the same one, the same set teacher. And he would make me raise my hand, even though I was the only person in the room. They got to teach you that skill. He'd be like, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Like, I'm going to answer. And then I'd have to be like, why do I picture you with like a shock collar? And he buzzes you if you don't raise your hand. You're like, uh, no, no, no. But yeah, it was a strange experience, kind of. But you were on set with a bunch of other kids. Were you learning with them or no? Well, when I had the raising hand thing, it was during a show called Drake and Josh before the one where I was with kids. So I was by myself during that one. Because you were the only kid on that. Yeah. By the time you got to college, were you really excited to raise your hand and ask a real question? You guys might not think I know how, but I do. Oh, yeah.

I know all about it. I'm just like you guys. I'm a normal girl. Want to come to my house? Do a study group. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint

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Miranda, how many times have you been asked if you're Filipino? Oh my gosh, I've been asked so many times. Wait, really? We really wanted to claim you so badly. I wish I was Filipino. It would actually be awesome. Are you definitely not Asian? Well, I did 23andMe, and I found out that I am. I can't remember the exact percentage, but I'm Mexican, and I didn't know.

From your mom? Yeah, from my mom's side. I actually just got 23andMe from my mom and dad, and they sent it in. You know how it makes yours even more accurate? Yeah. And I get to find out what they are too. So I'm excited. But yeah, that was one that surprised me and I'm Indian a little bit, which surprised me. Oh, whoa. This explains the very dark hair. Cause it's unusual to just kind of be like a

plain white person with that dark hair. Yeah. I'm so jealous of your dark hair. I'm so jealous of your Asian or Mexican. Yeah. But to, you know, on behalf of the Filipinos, we really wanted you so badly. I remember Googling your ethnicity and trying to verify. And I'm like, no, people have this wrong. She's one of us. She has to be one of us because you sing, you dance.

And I was like, wait, no, she has, it's impossible that she's not Filipino. And you just generally look like you could be. And it broke my heart to find out that you weren't. A little Jewish too. Yes, I am. All right, Esther, now you're bragging. I was a lot Jewish when I got the 23 and me.

Wait, how much? I think it was like 30 something. Wow. I have so many things that I didn't know I was. It was really fun. Oh my gosh, thanks. Thank you. Oh yeah.

Thank you. Congrats, you got a banana. I didn't know you guys had banana breaks. Is this something you always do? Yeah. How did you guys meet? We met at Whitney's house in the pandemic. Yeah. And I don't know, we just started talking and it was just like, oh, I think I was just so shocked at how funny Miranda is and like self-deprecating and self-aware because you meet people who are famous and you just think like you think the worst honestly like you assume the worst and she's like the opposite of whatever like bad assumption you could have I feel like it's just what is like an average day in your life look like? If you had to like paint the picture of

the celebrity Miranda Cosgrove, what like, just spell the myths out there. Like what's your average day? So my parents live in Downey, which is the home that they still live in the same house that I grew up in, which you know. Yes. And they have a garage. And I spend a lot of time in the garage because that's where I do a lot of this animal saving work. Yes. So on a normal day, I'll do stuff like usually with animals. I have a few foster cats right now. And then I kind of spend a lot of my time commuting from their house to L.A. because my place is in L.A. So I'll hang out with, like, friends in L.A. and do stuff in L.A. And then I go back to my place.

Yeah, she'll, like, pretend that she's a normal girl. She'll be like, come to my house. And it's like a normal girl's house in L.A. But then when everyone leaves, she also leaves. Exactly. She's like, I got to go back to the garage where she spends most of her time this is all 100 accurate and you stay up like all night yes I also am a total insomniac and I stay up really late doing I call it cat work much like freeway work and I do cat work

I hang out with um all the foster cats I take like videos and I make adoption videos and I do cat work. I hang out with all the foster cats. I take like videos and I make adoption videos and I'm just obsessed with animals. Like I've loved animals ever since I was really little. So even though it sounds very sad, it's low key my dream. Yeah. Would you have been a veterinarian maybe? Maybe. I mean, that would have been kind of awesome. When I was little, I did always say vet when people asked. But yeah, I don't know. I've just always, I mean, I would have been kind of awesome. When I was little, I did always say vet when people asked. But yeah, I don't know. I've just always, I mean, I guess a lot of people love animals, but I've always loved animals. No, but you like, you take it too far.

I do take it too far. Okay, let's play this game. So as I mentioned earlier, it was my dream to like put you in a scenario where you have to deliver really bad news to people. I still think you could have a thriving career on Cameo when you're ready. Just for funerals? Yeah. Like just to just, just deliver the, any kind of bad news. So we made some prompts and we want you to, maybe Kalilah, you can pick them and read them to her. And then we want to improvise a scene where you have to give me some bad news. Okay. Let's start with this one. So Miranda, you have to break up with Esther because you don't think she smells very nice. She's refused

to wear deodorant and only uses non, what do you call it? Fluoridated toothpaste. And it's turned you off forever. You've tried to coax her into this life of hygiene. But she's like, no, I'm standing my ground. I'm getting ready. The proper stance. I've waited all my life for this. I'm just kidding. Okay.

Esther. Hi. How are you? It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you too. I'm really looking forward to our night ahead of us. So. What's so funny?

I just, I've been meaning, I've been wanting to talk to you about something. And I don't want to freak you out. It's nothing major. Okay. But sometimes, like once in a while, you don't like smell perfect. So, and I know I brought up to you several times. Right. If you could maybe wear deodorant. Yeah. It's not natural, like real, like heavy duty deodorant. Yeah, that's hard for me. And you don't want to. So I was thinking maybe we're going to need to like go our separate ways.

Okay. You seem really happy about it. I don't think the cameo career would pan out. I'm glad we tried this. Okay, here we go. Okay. Esther is getting fired. Yes.

Okay, Miranda, you have to fire Esther because she just lost your company $100,000. Yes. In three months because you found out she's embezzling. Yeah, this is a good one. Okay. I'm like doing it again. But you also just really like her as a person. You guys go hang in Vegas and watch Gaga do jazz. Okay. We've seen Gaga do jazz together. So we're very close. As close as two can be, honestly. Okay. Esther. Yeah. I know you've been working here a while now. I love your company. I know you do. I love your candle store. Thank you. But you know, I built this candle store from the ground up

and it means a lot to me. As you just said, it means a lot to you. And it's come to my attention you and you um it's come to my attention recently that you have been embezzling money oh and it's okay you don't have to you don't have to deny or like don't I don't want to get into any like legal you don't want to get in the weeds of it no No, no. Thank you. Okay. But I'm going to have to let you go, but I still really love to be friends. It's okay that you embezzled my company. I just, I feel like we have a connection as friends. Okay, cool. And we could still go to Vegas together. We could still make it work. Yeah. Even though I owe you $100,000. Exactly. Okay. I have one more. Okay. Okay, Miranda, you have information that Esther has a non-life-threatening but very large grapefruit-sized hemorrhoid. Oh, no. I'm the doctor in this scenario.

And it's inoperable. It's inoperable because it's gonna, there's no hemorrhoidectomy available. She's just gonna have to have this extra little like lump hanging out of her asshole. Oh, Kalilah. Is this even part of the epigonopsis?

This is her creativity at play. Okay, okay. Esther? Hello, Dr. Cosgrove. Yes, I'm a doctor. I noticed that you have a very large hemorrhoid that is inoperable. Oh. And you're okay, though. You're going to live a normal life span. Really? Yeah. But you're just going to have to deal with the hemorrhoid because there's

nothing we can do. There's nothing you guys can do? No. There's nothing we can do. Have you ever seen this before? No. Not until this morning when I noticed. Is that like how doctors do things? They just kind of notice? Yeah. That's what they do. That's what they teach you in medical school? You seem really young to be a doctor. I'm not. I'm in my 30s. Okay. You're taking this really well. Thank you. Thank you for the compliment. And if you want to be friends. Yeah, I'm in my 30s okay you're taking this really well thank you thank you for the compliment and if you want to be friends yeah we could still be friends

even though yeah we could still be friends even though I guess if my doctor will be my friend then it's a win overall even though the hemorrhoid hurts

that really is a gift Miranda thank you you really do know how to soften the blow truly truly yeah very realistic it just feels Amanda. Thank you. You really do know how to soften the blow. Truly. Truly. Yeah. It just feels, yeah, it feels so nice and warm and cozy.

It has the idea of like just being friends no matter what the situation is. Yeah, like no matter what the problem is, you embezzle the hemorrhoids. We are still like this. I will not let you down. I will not let you go. Out of my life. So we have this list here that I think we'll all sort of bomb and fail at, but it's a list of micro habits that women do

to increase their feminine energy. Is this supposed to attract men? Yeah. All kinds or men specifically looking for that very feminine type? I don't know. I think she says all kinds. Oh, okay. All kinds, okay. Cross the board. No offense to anyone in the room, but I just don't think any of us will have any of these.

I don't think so either. I'm going to bomb this, I know. Do we move our hips when we walk? I mean, in what direction? First of all, you have to move your hips when you walk. You can't walk. Not in my everyday life ever. But if maybe I'm first seeing someone, I might put on a little bit more than usual because I'm real tomboyish. So it's not something that I don't walk around, you know, get up and start sashaying. Miranda?

No, I don't move my hips when I walk. I don't think. What about this one? I definitely do. Let others help. I guess that's feminine. Yes, I do. Oh, because you're allowing somebody to swoop in. Yeah.

You're the damsel in distress. Yeah, I let others help, I think. What's micro dress-up? Yeah. So getting ready in less than five minutes, putting on a cute outfit and mascara. For who and for where? For anything? For a dude, like just kind of looking effortlessly to them.

I take hours to get ready. I don't have that one. What's small moments of pleasure doing things simply because you like it? Because I do that. Like, would hiking count? I don't know. Anything that you do that's more for you. Utilize a second brain, an organized system to put all mental things.

Minimize how long you're stuck in your head remembering things to get into soft mode. What the fuck is soft mode what is soft mode soft soft energy yeah yeah like feeling so like you're not like putting your like neuro anxiety forward and you're kind of wait this actually might sort of be explaining a concept that i actually love which is like okay i feel like my I've recently come to realize that one of my life goals has always been completely not use my own brain and to just like go into soft mode and like have someone else do all the thinking and all the decision making. That's what feminine women want. They just like want a man to lead. But that only happens for me when someone is already in the position of like earning my trust that they, that I can shut my brain off.

Yeah, no, it's impossible to find. Yeah, I think that it's not. It's not ever happening. the guy that I'm with now where it's like, oh, I can actually just shut my brain off and know that my house isn't going to, you know, burn down to ashes, that the kitchen isn't like I, I just, there's an inherent trust there that he will take care of things. And maybe that's what it means, but I don't think I can naturally go into my second brain without having already someone in the room that I can trust. Yeah. you need someone else to like take over, which I don't feel like that's not really applicable to me and Dave.

I can't go into soft mode with him. I don't, it doesn't, and I also think I'm the problem. It's like, I think I want this. And then I'm too controlling. Like the second, it's like that time where he was like, tried to make me eat octopus in Vegas and I started crying. It's like, I don't want soft mode. I just think I do.

Wait, Esther, can I propose a different way to eat octopus versus how it was presented to you? Do you eat octopus? Actually, yeah, I've had octopus before, but it's not a, I don't have it a lot. Okay. It's not a, did you try it? The texture, I spit it right out. It was so scary to me. But like – yeah.

Yeah. Grilled with butter, with lemon, with just – there's a very different way that I think it can be presented versus on top of like in sushi, say, for instance. I'm just so sick of you people that like think butter will solve everything. It does though, but it does. It does, but it's mental. I don't like the tentacles. No one's trying to eat testicles, Shala. It's octopus. I meant to say tentacles.

Do you ever desire to have no brain? It sounds nice. It doesn't sound bad. who's gonna do all the cat work if you turn yours off or the freeway work yeah that's what i'm yeah when you go out with dave do you and you're picking where to go for dinner do you guys like take turns or do you usually i think that so this is it's actually like such a difficult thing to manage, which I know that sounds crazy, but I feel like people kind of get it, that we've had to come up with so many different devices and games to like get us through this. It's one of the hardest things in the entire world.

Yeah. And I – like so there's one game we play called Percentages. Oh, that's right. That's a great one. What is that? It's so good. Okay, so what you do is you each decide, like, let's say the topic is, my favorite time we've done this is it was like Thanksgiving. We just got back from his friend's house and we're like, we have nothing to do all Thanksgiving

weekend. Should we go to Vegas tonight? And then we're like, we'll do percentages. And so then each person will say what percent they want to go, knowing that if the percent total is 100 or over, you have to do it. Okay. So it's like you could say zero. You could say 100. You could say 50, you know.

Then you go one, two, three, percentage. You say your percentage. And like that night, we got over 100 and we did it. And then the other device, which this one I did not make up, like if we were deciding where to go, I would have to name three restaurants. Then from my three, you pick two and then I pick one. Oh, so you get it down to the right one. But I feel like you are someone, one of the rare people in my life that I'll go wherever you say to go because you like have good food taste. Just for the sushi. Yeah. Yeah. Like or burgers too though. Burgers never say die. I know. Oh, that's a great spot.

The Smash Burger place? Yeah. There's a new one in sort of in the Valley, like Studio City. It's called Easy Street. Oh, okay. There was one that I passed the other day on Ventura that's brand new. Yes. I don't even know if it's open yet.

Is that what it is? You're talking about the one where Mr. O's was? Yes, I am. Yeah, it's not open. I just saw it today. Yeah, it's gone. Mr. O's is gone. Mr. O's is good. They tried am. Yeah, it's not open. I just saw it today. Yeah, it's gone. Mr. O's is gone. Mr. O's is good.

Yeah, they tried saving it over the pandemic a lot. And it just, unfortunately. I know. I used to go there all the time. What was it? I don't know it. It was cool. Like American food, I guess.

Yeah, but the interior was really nice. And it was like very like cocktail heavy. Like there was like really great cocktails on the menu. Right. And like good, just soul food. Yeah, it was good. I liked it. Do you ever in your daily life

get hit on um in my daily life like have you ever been hit on I have like I I don't think if I've ever been hit on um in real life like not on a dating app just like even even even cat called cat called I was friends with this girl in high school that used to always tell me that she'd get like all done up and she'd walk to school. And she said she always knew how good she looked by the amount of people that cat called her like honks. Honked. Honking is so degrading. It's the worst. I don't know if I've ever been cat called.

I'm trying to think if anyone's ever hit on me in real life maybe like are any guys ever like there's Miranda Cosgrove I'm gonna shoot my shot like sometimes people will come up and talk to me but it's never you know

I never feel like they're straight up you never think they want more I never think they want more they just want that one moment and that's it they're done they're out forever that one moment. And that's it. And they're done. They're out forever. That's sort of how Raya works.

It's like in Raya, you just match and you never speak. No one opens conversation. No, it's just, and it really, I think everyone on there is just there for like the immediate dopamine hit of matching. And then you let it go and you let it expire and then it dies is that your experience pretty much exactly that isn't it so weird it is kind of strange it's like a game or something it is just a game because then you get the reward of being like oh they said yes to me and that's enough somehow yeah but then it's like you never even get to know the person

or hang out with them or meet up. Unless they're really kind of like old, then they open with some like really like boomery kind of long message. And they're almost like very aggressive and they want to go out tonight. And if you don't go, then they say something mean to you. It's true.

They follow up with a rude message. Are you guys the same guys? Maybe. Sounds like one guy with his very specific pattern. Leanna, do you have a type that you typically go for? Like personality, looks, whatever. Kind of. I always go for super nerdy usually curly hair

tall really skinny do you stay away from um people in your industry or um no not really it's really whoever she looks around the room she's surveying this is a question for both of you because I'm also on dating apps do you start conversations or never I never do

yeah I never open it's just like my rule and I don't feel comfortable it's never I don't maybe in real life

it'd be a little different but no not on apps no way do you the one or two times I've started the conversation it didn't go so I don't I backed off of I feel like they can feel that you are too like excited or

something. I don't know. Is that the edible story? I do hate that though. Cause it like, I get it. It kind of has to be that way, but I hate how there's so much power taken out of like the woman's hands because we have to wait for the cup but yeah in person like I definitely was the one that like pursued Dave

when I saw him I think in person it's a little it's very different in person because in person it just feels like a conversation and there really is not I'm not like putting my intention out there it's just like oh hey what's up but on the apps it just feels forward yeah it feels a little bit too like i'm too thirsty especially if you just match that day you usually wait till like the ninth day before they expire because you have 10 days to start a conversation or that person is gone from your list there's so many roles yeah i maybe i'm doing it wrong. I initiate all the time. I do. I'm like, does it go well? Do you end up meeting the people? Some time. Well, no, it hasn't gone well in the longterm, but it definitely like I've met people on Raya, which I feel like is a good, people have not done that on Raya. Um, but a lot of time I

get ghosted, which is not helping my self-esteem in any way, shape, or form. Okay, but did you guys see this big article that lists like big lawsuit news story from a couple weeks ago where the – I think it's like Match is the parent group that owns like Tinder and Hinge, maybe whatever, that someone is like trying to do a big lawsuit against them because the dating apps have been proven that like they don't want you to meet someone. It's just like a game. Like you guys are saying, it's about like getting that dopamine hit of the swipe. And then some people are like, well, that's duh. Like it's a for profit business. Like they want you to stay on the app. Yeah, that's true. But you can't really sue for that. I don't know. So it's designed to keep you on there to play the game rather than actually find somebody. Yeah. Does that like freak you guys out at all?

I don't know. I don't think that's with Hinge. Like Hinge, their motto is we want the app to be deleted. And whether that's marketing bullshit. But I always feel like there's always cocking on Hinge people feel comfortable on hinge I don't know that's my experience you guys are like no I don't know were you ever on a dating app no because I met Dave like before they came out yeah and I remember like I feel like I don't know if we ever had that conversation but I remember just thinking like whoa that's crazy like I would be so curious what that's like but also I forgot this is like very triggering

to people you're not if you've never been on a dating app you're not supposed to like publicly admit it because then everyone hates you really yeah I had never been and I thought I romanticized it I was like this seems awesome and it's true hell um so people should say that I mean it's true hell. So people should say that. I mean, it's fun for one or two days. And I think everyone starts to sound the same, look the same. And then you find yourself opening the app for no other reason than sheer boredom and or something to do. It's like playing Tetris. But also I do know people that are like, oh, I just got lucky like here in, you know, and they've gotten married off. Listen, I met Bobby on Tinder and we were together for a decade. There you go.

My aunt and uncle are married and they have a child and they met on J-Date. Oh, J-Date. Yeah. You need to join J-Date now that your 23andMe results are back. 35% is a lot. It's enough to get on. Yeah. What is, how much do you have,

Jewish do you have to be to get on JDate? Oh, I don't know. I'm sure none. They don't care. We take everybody. Isn't there a farmer one for you? There's a farmer one. Actually, you're more the farmer one.

Yeah, the farmer one I would definitely get on. You're waiting for us to invite you on the farmer one. I'm like, I think that one's better for me that would be really cute though i think i think maybe if i can envision a dream boy for you it would be a veterinarian that does not maybe not have like a typical like small animal practice but like one that does like farm animals, like the bigger, or maybe like a zoologist. That'd be awesome. My dad, every time I date someone and if they like do me wrong or it doesn't go well, my dad always says he wasn't an American boy. And I don't, I don't know what that

even means, but I think he visions me with like he he sees me with somebody that like runs a farm. Like he thinks a man like is outside doing tasks. Like a American boy. You know what's so funny, Miranda? He's just so scared you can't survive. He's trying to get somebody that has all the survival tools. No, but that's, it's so funny that you say that. Cause I kind of swung back from nerd after I dated like nerd and dude who couldn't put like Ikea furniture together. I swung back completely to the American boy,

someone who could fish, hunt, build. And I think because I was in this for so long, I started to really be attracted to the exact opposite of that. So maybe your dad has a point. Maybe there's something to it. To the American boy. Those are attractive qualities. Tom Cosgrove knows that. He always does. I was just going to say, can you shout your dad out? Because he's been the star of this episode. He's the star. He's going to totally listen to this too. He's the funniest person. I love you, dad. He's amazing.

I'm so grateful for him. I'll find an American boy someday. He has made you the most down-to-earth possible version of a human ever. He should write a book, like How to Raise a Child Star. But keep her down. Keep her humble. Keep her humble.

Keep her humble, I'll say. So if you're a nerdy, curly-haired, skinny, all-American boy, DM us. I literally, I don't want to say this out loud, and I want to bleep it out, but someone is coming to mind. Really? Someone is coming to mind. Can we

matchmaker matchmakingmaker it's horrible oh then no i mean it's not oh then yes i'll say it but bleep it or just yes i was just thinking that's what you meant interesting but is an all-american yeah can he build no no but i think I just think maybe. But you're right. He is athletic. He is. It's so weird how he's really into nerd stuff. Look at, he's so ugly. He's so ugly.

He is not. He's not ugly, Esther. Yeah. You guys are right in the perfect look. It's perfect. It's exactly. We're bleeping out the name. No, but I,

in that name that we bleeped out, I do think there is something really cool in that he is really into like the nerdy stuff, but is kind of this weird anomaly of an athlete.

He has American boy potential. Yeah. And if he doesn't know how to build, I bet you can figure it out. Yeah. I think Miranda's't know how to build, I bet you can figure it out. Yeah. I think Miranda's in. I think we've found

our American boy guys. I think we can arrange like a soft tang. Yeah. Like a mixer. Oh, I love a good mixer. I haven't ever been to one ever.

We'll do a trash Tuesday mixer. We should do a speed dating thing. We should do a speed dating thing. But with no other goal than to just have them meet so it's sort of like a fake speed dating thing like all the other people are just extra they're pregnant with a wig on dave has a mustache i love this i want to do it she falls for it completely. We create a whole new relationship, friendship with the new fake me.

I have to keep it up. We hang out. I always wear the wig. Oh, I'm excited for our new lives together. Well, Miranda, thank you so much for being here and letting us expose you for all the weird things about you that make you so special. There's no place I'd rather be exposed. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much, Miranda. And on behalf of the Asian community, we still claim you. So just please accept that.

I do. Unfortunately, the Jews, we've got her. Yeah. Based on the DNA. But i am curious to hear what happens when your parents dna comes back i know that could really up the game change everything huge game changer and you guys as always thank you for tuning in we love our slugs and we will see you next week with a brand new episode Thank you.