Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Number One Sports Podcast in the Country w/ Hannah Berner

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Thank you to our Sponsors: Native - Go to https://nativedeo.com/trashtuesday or use promo code TRASHTUESDAY at checkout to get a sweet 20% off your first order.Nutrafol - Go to https://nutrafol.com and enter promo code TRASH to save $15 off your first month’s subscription + plus free shipping. More Hannah BernerYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HannahBernerInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/beingbernz/Berning in Hell Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/berning-in-hell/id1442257788Giggly Squad Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/giggly-squad/id1536352412TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@hannah_bernerWebsite - https://www.hannahberner.com/ Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 New York vs Los Angeles3:57 The Former Athlete Identity Crisis14:25 When the Universe Sends You a Message to Make a Change19:55 Public Humiliation & the Power of an Ego Death27:53 Hannah Berner’s Unconventional Wedding34:41 The Wedding Night Followed By the Morning After Pill37:34 Hannah Berner Doesn’t Love Skiing42:06 Not Giving Up When You Get Old46:39 How Long Do You Wait Until You Fill Your Gas Tank?49:52 Saying No and Feeling Ok About It54:44 The President of the Philippines Discovered Michael Jordan57:02 Would Esther be a Cult Leader or Cult Follower? Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 My Pleasure - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-pleasure/id1494518220 AnnieWood - https://www.youtube.com/annielederman Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera

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That's nativedo.com slash trash Tuesday or use promo code trash Tuesday at checkout for 20% off your first order. That's nativedeo.com slash trash Tuesday or use promo code trash Tuesday at checkout for 20% off your first order. You can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to Nutraful.com and entering the promo code trash to save $15 off your first month subscription. This is their best offer anywhere and it is only available to U.S. customers for a limited time. Plus free shipping on every order. Get $15 off at Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code TRASH. New York City slugs. Tickets for my New York shows are finally on sale today at 1 p.m. Eastern.

I cannot wait. I'm going to be at Joe's Pub. You can get tickets at esther on ice.com these shows are going to be really really special um and intimate and i can't wait by the way i love new york i want to live here i love it so much okay that's giving kick line camp what is what is kick line camp dude you're you think you're joking but like you're really good hannah that was pretty good and modern dance and i'm tired for the rest of the pod now nobody cares about modern dance but it is a really like you could be in a modern dance I just feel like you're you just have to pick a story in your head

and I make up different stories in my head all the time and then I just like acted out excessively and you express literally out of breath you guys I walked up La Cienega today people thought I was an out-of-shape prostitute like it was okay now that's a humble brag no but like I feel like if you're a girl walking in LA, people just think you're a prostitute who like, isn't pretty enough for OnlyFans. And I like, was going to faint. And no one wanted to pick me up. Also, how I know you're not from LA is because we all ordered La Cologne and you asked for

whole milk. He said, what kind of milk? I said, normal milk. And he did not process it. He was like, normal oats. Normal macadamia nut um so i am gonna shit myself but that's part of my thing i also just got a lymphatic drainage massage oh i love those she's glowing and in the beginning she started telling me like manifestations like she was like you are beautiful you are worthy you and i was like i'm not in new

york anymore in new york i'd be like shut the fuck up i'm just trying to get a massage i know quiet down you crusty bitch i'm like you don't know me bitch i'm actually not worthy i don't know if i'm going to be because i'm going to go to new york for the month of march i don't know if i'm going to be able to handle it I'm very accustomed to... People giving you affirmations when you wake up. Yeah. Esther, but you have a bite to you. Thank you. I think of you as a poisonous dart frog.

Oh my God, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said. And I'm getting nastier too. They're deadly. Yes. They're deadly. Are you in your villain era? I think I'm in my like, just embrace how fucking dark I really am.

Yeah. Like I'm not holding back anymore. I've always loved your sense of humor. And now I realize it's because underneath it all is the saddest. But it comes off so bubbly. So it's so confusing. And I'm obsessed with that for you. Okay.

So back to us all being former athletes oh yeah sorry so no no no for my presentation because i do have a question i am my whole life i was like oh my god you know you meet people who when you were when i was dancing when you were doing your you know respective athletic programs chasing balls people would always come up to me and be like oh i used to dance and i'd be like is that gonna be me one day that can't be me that can't be me i know where this is going and then now that is me and i'm i have to struggle with like not being ashamed to go to a ballet class here and there and feel like it has been

but now when i get over that and I go, I feel wonderful. And I'm like, oh, it's okay that this is a beautiful hobby for me. Do you guys relate to that at all? A hundred percent. But I leaned into my has-been title a long time ago. I just go, I'm a has-been. But it's kind of like a defensive thing to say, I think, because what happens is that when I quit swimming and like three years after that, I would go back to the Rose Bowl and I would do a couple laps.

And there was still that part of me that was still really competitive where like the person lap swimming next to me, I was like, this fucking young person doesn't know who the fuck I am. But then I'm like, wait a second. Like, I could just admit that i'm a has-been but when he would like we would be on the wall together you know i would make sure that there was conversation and that he knew like you know what i mean like well you have i was once there yeah because think about it that skill made people respect us in the past and then you have that identity crisis where you're like, who am I without this thing that made me important? And people loved me more when I would win more when I do these cool dance moves.

And what I had to realize for myself, because after I quit, I would like cry all the time. Because I'd be like, why did you put 20 years into something and none of your dreams even like went through with it i just got the chills no i literally would be like what was the reason like hard to be like what was why did i literally push myself so fucking hard and then i realized like what made you special in that sport in that talent is you're gonna put into so many other things and like now that makes more sense to me but like when i was 23 i was kind of empty and i had to figure it out but also a lot of people we are dualities like we have we're so multifaceted but society tries to put you into like you're a swimmer yeah and i think especially with women like we have so many parts of ourselves that but people want to

like name us as one thing. Yeah. That is a really interesting thing that I think not a lot of non-athletes don't understand is the identity crisis. Because that is your entire being. The entire self-awareness of who you are is tied to this thing you do every day. And you do it blindly. You don't ask questions. You just put in the work because you think you're going to make it to the Olympics one day or make, you know what I mean? Or win Wimbledon, you know, win a Grand Slam, you know, dance at UNLV. Like you just think it's so, you believe it's so hard. So when it's

over, you're like, what now? Who am I outside of this? Am I, you know, like, do I even know how to fucking tie my shoelaces? Like, do I know how to live alone? Like, who am I in relation to this person? It's a total identity crisis. And like, I do find myself when I go to professional ballet classes and I can't pick up certain moves. I like shut down. I'm like, you know what? I'm doing so bad at picking up this combination. I just stand in the back of a room and watch because I'm like i can't even like fight the fight sometimes but then other times i'm like these

little bitches i got better feet than them my turnout is better like there's just so much that comes up in there and and i what i don't want to happen anymore is for me to be be so bummed out about it that it keeps me from finding the love in it well that's the thing like by the end sometimes we've lost love we were burnt out but like i have a tennis channel on all day every day really i just watch break point yes so good the thing is tennis is it's a mental mess they say the court is six inches from ear to ear or if you have a small head do you have something to say i know he looked really interested oh no i just like that show on that they're gonna say i had a small head i was like unless you're him um unless you're esther and her tiny little feet but i realized that like with tennis i i'll jump in and i'll play with

people and in the past you have all these voices in your head you don't have a voice as an athlete or a dancer it's what are your coaches saying what are your parents saying you numb your voice and then once you quit you're just left with this like weak inner voice that my only job was how high how so then you have to literally find who that voice is whoa that's a really good point that was so i've done like a lot of therapy i can tell and also i love hearing you say that you watch tennis all the time because there are certain series that have come out over the past few years that are about dance and i'm like too i can't watch that in the same way i can't watch swimming but i'll watch tennis all day i also don't miss a grand slam like i oh i mean it's also chic iconic we should go we should go to

the palm spring oh my god i really i'm so pissed that i've never been it is single one it is so fun and to see it i mean tennis is also i'm obsessed with tennis and i'm also swimming and dance they're all kind of like there's team but there's not it's an individual with tennis you can't call time out when you're feeling bad you can't pass the ball you can't get coached it's literally you out there figuring it out and same with swimming you can't be like wait can we restart or like dance you have to figure it out and i think we we all were kind of these like solo performers that found a different way um to express ourselves yeah but we should go to palm springs okay i didn't realize the prize money was so big

for these big tournaments it is but with tennis the problem is is if you're not in the top 150 in the world you're making no money it's like really hard to break into them so my thing was like i was fully like i could go pro but i will lose all my money and make it like maybe 500 in the world with the 500th best like i love how this is a sports podcast now the 500th best like basketball players making tons of money sitting on a bench. Whether he wins or loses, he gets paid. That's my kind of career. I've been lucky, though, where I've been able to parlay my ability to swim into other things. So now I'm fully into free diving and spearfishing.

And that's where I've found the love for water again. See, that's something I'd pretend to like if a guy was hot. I'm like, I love spearfishing. I think about it all the time. The amount of things I pretended to like for guys, I always say I still don't even know how I truly feel about magic because everybody I've ever dated has had such a strong feeling either hating it or loving it, and I always am switching it up.

Wait, did you say free falling? Free diving. Free diving free diving that's kind of thing i'd be like do you want a free dive and i'm like i'm so spontaneous absolutely hurt your toe right before you're like oh my god this is so weird i should check this i'll be in the van but that's that is so fucking cool but yet we also you it's a drug like performing was a drug so i lost that drug and then i guess like stand-up is performing has given us this thing yet we also you it's a drug like performing was a drug so i lost that drug and then i guess like stand-up is performing has given us this thing but we also have the diligence of a disciplined athlete combined with creativity and that's why we're taking over the fucking planet however i was triggered driving here today i saw these people running in like a crossfit class

and i realized like i was so emotionally and physically abused as an athlete like you're just because your coaches they're only their pressure is that you're number one right yeah so they don't care they're like i'm gonna push you my mom had to tell my coaches that they had to tell me to stop because i wouldn't like i would just run like i would have no foot left like i would just keep going which is like what made me good but also like that's traumatic so i told myself when i graduated i'm like i'm never running a time mile again i'm never waking up to work out before 7 a.m thank you and i've stuck to it hannah we have the same exact rules do we have the same therapist

maybe because she was like no competition for you not in any facet you are not allowed to compete in crossfit checkers do flipping the table with Monopoly. Nothing. Absolutely no competition. In fact, she says if you're going to do a spin class, it's got to be only sole cycle because they don't measure your RPMs. There are no numbers. It cannot be the other cycle houses where you're in competition. Your competitive side was what made people think you were amazing before.

So how do you decipher what is good for you competitive wise versus what's unhealthy um so it triggers a whole like slew of just like a physical shutdown for me where it's like i can perform in a competition and if i go to that cycle house if i go anywhere i probably will win because i will die before i lose yeah but so i go home and i'm emotionally just like or i I'm just, I'm a wreck. So I quit tennis because I had horrible performance anxiety. I see that a lot with tennis players. Like I would like lose my serve. Like I was playing number one for University of Wisconsin.

I was like, would it be so fucked up if like, I just forgot how to serve. And then my mind would like do it to me. Is that like the twisties in gymnastics? Yep. It's like what? Yeah. The yips. The yips. Yeah. And I would do it to me. Is that like the twisties in gymnastics? Yep. It's like what, yeah, the- The yips. The yips, yeah. And I would do it with my forehand,

like, cause I'd just be sitting around with my anxious mind and I'd be like, what's the worst thing that could happen? And then I would like make it happen cause I'm disciplined. But it was, now I realize my body was like, you don't want to be a competitor anymore. Like I'm so competitive,

but actually like girls like loved competing. I loved practice. I hated judgment day when I had to beat a girl because if I won I was just like thank god and if I lost I was like now I have to face the music that I'm the worst tennis player in the world I actually really loved class and rehearsal more than performing too which is weird because now we're both performers for a living but this performing i really feel like it's just so expressive like i'm gonna leave this pod and i'm not gonna be like you lost you won i'm just like that was fun you don't my friend i think that all the time when i leave certain i'm like fuck i that was i have to train myself because you can't live your life like having to like i'm like i'm not playing a game anymore i'm

just expressing myself and i'm proud of myself that like i got invited on a cool pod today can i tell you guys a fucked up story that's what i'm telling myself so last year i was supposed to compete in the nationals for spearfishing and i i did i feel like i can't i'm not allowed to wait what i am gonna be number one spearfisher in the planet no it was just fresh it was it's not even it was just freshwater nationals and I was gonna okay got it now now the cover of like spearfishing central I'm not that great of a spearfisher woman yet but I will get there I have friends like Kimmy Werner and Valentine Thomas who are like aces but I was supposed to compete and I was supposed to be in a team with my friend Matt.

And we were, and the whole time, like a month out, immediately, like I was in the worst mood. I was bitching everyone out. I was just in the worst mental mindset. And I swear to you, I swear to you, two weeks out, I got COVID and i thanked the fucking heavens i was like thank you so much whoever just gave me covid because then it was a good enough reason to pull out and then another girl replaced me and they won like second place they were an incredible team it's hard because you're taught to like push through any nerves that's how you become a champion push through when you're tired so you can't tell when you actually like just don't want to do it just for

you like i got hit by a car my senior year but like I was totally fine but it was enough to like fuck up my like big 10 championship and I remember I got hit by a car first thing I said was tell my coach I'm gonna be late to practice because I was so scared I relate to that I literally was like wait the universe fucks my shit up like that's a one thing that the universe does to me like they will fuck me up to get me out of situations it's never like a casual thing it's always like you're gonna hit by a car you're gonna like big things because the universe knows that i will fight i'm a fighter i will try so i'm a clinger you gotta push me exactly i will cling to like my life depends on it and then finally I was like I hear you I see you

I I I will leave I will leave this sport that I love and I like I I made a conscious decision after college I'm not gonna go pro and my body was telling me to leave I was like your body tells you and I say it's like surfing I don't know why i looked at you but you look like you can surf i i can but i'm not good i'm just gonna put that i'm sorry i didn't look at you but i feel like you would just float away i can't right your little feet more than more than float away pass away she can't swim she's just taken out with the dolphins um but it's like surfing when you find the right wave you fucking go do you need to focus you never the right technique you have to like stay whatever yes but when you find that

wave you flow and all the other waves will feel really fucking difficult so it's like find your wave oh wow that's we're doing metaphors we're doing water metaphors and then just spear that fish yeah you know what when i spear the fish, I cry really, really hard. I'm not over that part yet. See, why did we pick something? Because I would cry. I can't even kill anything. I think like karma is going to come get me, like even an ant.

I mean, same. I'm terrified of cockroaches, but I will escort one out. Well, I'll ask my neighbor to come to my house. The guy I don't know to escort the cockroach out. One of my core memories in like a dance rehearsal was when the head of our studio was watching us rehearse. And it was like a week before the show where I had the lead. And I just remember her screaming in front of everyone, Esther, you're standing out in a bad way. And that like has stuck with me.

And I think that ultimately a couple years later when I made the decision to quit, I was like, I think I do stand out in a bad way. Like in that was like, that became this metaphor of like, I'm not supposed to be like in this herd of dancers, you know? Oh my God. I stand out in a bad way, period.

Like that's who I am. No, I think that's stand-up comedians. Like you could say that about everybody. Yeah, but that is so true. Cause I told you like with tennis, all the girls were very robotic and I, I'm, I was never like that. Like I was always aware of everything. I was like crazy on the court. I would be like, come on. Like I was a character and I was like, I feel different, but I know I'm not like that special so why am I like sticking out like a sore thumb yeah yeah I I was like I realized too a part of why I love dance class was that when I went there I was the goofball and like made everyone laugh and so it all like I slowly figured it out that it was time to leave I my like one skill I would get nervous all the time with playing but the one

thing I always could do was make my doubles partner laugh when she was in a bad mood like I would double fall I'd do everything wrong but she'd play bad when she got angry so like my job was to just keep her happy and it was I could do it in my sleep I knew exactly what to say but never I thought I could monetize that stupid skill actually I cried I used to cry when I first tried working out after college after tennis because I'd go to the gym and I'd just be reminded like I used to work out to become a champion why am I here I'm a loser I and my my body would shut down I cry and I'd be on the treadmill for like seven minutes and I give up Like I've had coaches like throw water at me, smack me in the head,

like just keep running and we'll tell you when to stop. Like doing planks on a tennis court that's like it starts melting the bottom of your elbows, like fucked up shit. But that was just like being a champion. Yeah, I was just telling- I got dark, I'm sorry. I was at the gym this morning

and I was telling my trainer'm sorry i was at i was at the gym this morning and i was telling um my trainer like he was like kalilah like you know i cannot tell when you're at your limit because it's like like i think dr drew calls it like poor second order representation so it's almost like i dissociate through pain so So if it's the last couple of reps and I'm really like pushing it, I just, I'm like flat, like flat. There's like no emotions out of me. But I realized where that's from. When I was 12, I was, this was like the Philippine National Games.

And I was expected because I was like the, I held the record in a certain event and a 200-meter brushstroke. And then I lost. And everyone was like, she wasn't supposed to lose that race. My sister was in the race with me. I lost the race. You were so young. And I will send you guys just like newspaper clippings of me. Like everyone took a picture of me crying in like four different ways from this angle.

I was 12 years old. And then on the caption on it was Kalilah fails to hold back tears after her loss in. Why are these people so invested in 12 years career? I'm like, I'm a 12 year old. You're literally learning what your reality is. That is fucked. That is like a form of public humiliation it is it is and then um but then my trainer said something funny he was like

well you kind of went through like a weird like public humiliation last year you know with the whole breakup with bobby and he was like do you think that like a part of you is just kind of like block going to that same thing of like can't cry cry, can't do this, can't do. I'm like, what I do is like, because I went through public humiliation recently, too. And I just I get depressed. But then I just like become a workaholic. Like, I just put my mind towards because all we know is like to just keep working. But I'm working on feeling my feelings.

I don't really know what that means. Like, I don't know what that means. But I'm like, I'm upset. I've been upset. What do you want me to feel? So, but thank you for sharing that because like that stuff sticks with you. Like hearing one person say like, I'm disappointed in you. Like that stuff shakes you to your core. Yeah. But to have that be so public, like, I don't know. I i just that keeps happening in our culture and it's gonna it's going to keep happening probably and i just i don't know it's cool because i know that that

happened to you in a way and you like became a superstar stand-up comedian out of it and so i do think that like that don't wouldn't you say that that humiliation at 12 like made you a fucking fighter for the rest of your life yeah no it made me fight and that's the one thing that you said earlier that really like i can really relate to is like it does not matter how down in the dumps or in the fucking pits of hell i am like i'm i'm fighting like tooth and nail to get out of there quotes this is such a sports podcast i'm'm obsessed with this right now. We are ESPN. Okay, look, there's no secret that I like candy. And I'm not afraid. I'm not ashamed to say that. And I do believe that that is why Native was manifested into my life or how I manifested them to make this candy shop collection. You guys, Native products are thoughtfully formulated.

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anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel. George is a busy guy.

He takes the most business calls. And the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans mint mobile is here to rescue you with plans starting at 15 bucks a month and all plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5g network that is such a steal to get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month go to mintmobile.com slash tuesday that's mintmobile.com slash tuesday cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash tuesday 45 up front

payment required equivalent to 15 a month new customers on first three-month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Statement mobile for details. I come from like a sports family. Like my grandpa was a gym teacher like in Brooklyn, like would take kids off the street and be like, you're going to be a basketball player. Like he was like the guy who watches movies. Just recruiting randos. Literally, he would find just like tall guys in the neighborhood. He's like 37 fine get on the team but he always said to me even when it's raining the hoop is always there i fucking love that quote to this day because it's like you know

when you're depressed and you're like there's no hope he's basically saying the hoop is there you can always score you just can't see it because it's raining we it's so similar to ballet too i don't know if you guys have seen center stage i watched i have oh my god i love center stage i watch every morning but like there's a scene where she's like the bar is always here like the ballet bar and it's like you can always go back to the ballet bar and do your plies and do your tendus and like that's always there like no one can take that from me i mean i guess if i get hurt but but it's all. Like you can feel like it's not there and feel like you're flailing. Yeah. But you're the one who can decide that like,

this is going to be okay. And I feel like those traumatizing things that we've all been through. I was telling Esther, I'm just less scared now. Like I'm like, what's going to happen to me today that I haven't already dealt with? Where when you're younger, you're like, all these bad things could happen. And I'm like, they've happened. Where when you're younger, you're like, all these bad things could happen. And I'm like, they've happened. And I'm still here, still bloated, still thriving. I've recently connected with a friend of mine who was like very publicly canceled a few years ago. And it's been interesting.

Like now that like he's gone through all of this trauma and what's left of him is truly just who he is and like his creative expression and i've just been very inspired by that like you they no one can take that from you you know like who you are and how you express yourself and your ideas in your mind like those don't go anywhere even if everybody in the world hates you and thinks this and that about you well depends what you're canceled for true um because if you're just a fucking shit predator okay true well yeah if you've been canceled because people are trying to come for you and it's like or whatever public humiliation i like to call it you have like an ego death because at some point people don't cancel people who aren't like

have something to be canceled so like you have ego with whatever's going on so once like it's taken away it's true you're naked you're bare and ego deaths are powerful because then you realize it's like with our sports like tennis there was so much ego associated with it that gave me anxiety but like now like with your belay if you can why did i say like that belay belay belay on if she was famous isn't that what they say in rock climbing? Blay on. Blay.

Oh yeah. I'm glad you wouldn't know about rock climbing. So I feel like if I was cool I would be Kalilah. I feel like with ballet once you can get

the ego out of it then you're just there and you don't care what the girlies think. Yeah it's for the love. It's just because you're like I'm moving my't care what the girlies think for the love it's just because you're like i'm moving my body i'm so capable the i'm so good at this i forget sometimes like i'll be struggling and then i'll go hit a tennis ball and i'm like wait there's something

i'm like actually really good at that i just forgot but detach the ego and then it becomes this fun beautiful thing that we are just capable of and it doesn't have all these other voices attached to it hannah since we last saw you you are now officially an mrs oh my god yes i am decentering men for my life but i am married no i literally on stage i think i just told this last week but i go on my opener on valentine's day was like who wants to hear from a sad lonely girl on valentine's day i mean i am engaged, but... I joke that being married was bad for my brand. And people don't know I'm married. Every now and then it'll come up and people will lose their mind. But it's the least interesting thing about me. And I have a podcast called Giggly Squad that we recorded two days ago. We literally forgot that it was Valentine's Day. Did not talk about Valentine's Day. And I'm like, wait, I'm weird.

I'm so proud of us. We literally forgot to talk. We didn't talk about plans. Like we just, it didn't come up in the hour we spoke. That's how you know you're, yeah. It's called the Bechdel test and we passed. But yeah, like I'm married and it's, and it's so nice to have like a partner.

But like, it's, I just have this thing where where like i don't want anyone to dim my light i feel like relationships could be so toxic and it's like be single until you find someone who can just like support you do you did you have a good experience having a wedding i'm on the fence about having one do you have any pro tips um my only other thing i would have done is eloped i love an elopement still my plan i do think but i also was like kind of cheap at the time like i remember afterwards being like it was amazing but was it worth the money but that was also me i i'd never like dreamed of a wedding it never was like my thing it ended up being such a beautiful like moment in time of

your life. Like I felt the weight of it. Like I was when I was I was getting adrenaline and stuff like during the vows and stuff, which I didn't think I would have. But like you feel like the moment the weight of the moment hits you. I just like the critic in me. There were all these little microaggressions that would happen against women throughout it. Like about like, well, lose, you know three pounds to fend to this wedding dress and like you know how are we gonna have your dad give you off to him like little things that i just was like i'm not i'm not engaging in this and i didn't like like i don't like that attention i love attention i don't

like the attention of people like not being forced but like you have to celebrate me when i didn't do anything i totally relate to this and this is i feel like you just so perfectly articulated why i don't want a wedding because me and my fiance are at a standstill he wants one i don't i want to elope so badly yeah um and the walking down the aisle thing i my dad is 80 years old. He's my best friend in the whole world. I have screamed in his face, ew, you're not giving me away. People need to talk about it because my friend, Ashley Heseltine, who is Girls Gotta Eat podcast, she's like, my father's not giving me away. I make more money than him.

And it was literally iconic. But what happened with me is my dad and my mom walked me down. And all I was thinking in my head is you have to give the bouquet to one of them and then go up i give the bouquet to my mom and then i just walked up like i forgot to like kiss my dad or i didn't do i just forgot and i wasn't going to a clue then my dad and i the father-daughter dance we're like best friends 30 seconds in we were like we can't we literally quit like my dad he we were like this we're laughing i think he like he kind of like shoved me like a joke and then i was like we can't we literally quit like my dad he we're like this we're laughing i think he like he kind of like shoved me like a joke and then i was like we're not i'm not playing this game with

you i'm not doing a father daddy dance with my dad who i literally just like all we do is shit on each other all the time it actually my people were like oh they're done like 20 seconds and we just stopped we were like come on guys it was there were a lot of awkward parts but i would argue to like make him happy too because it is whatever his day i mean it's not really but your dad or your husband your husband okay your husband i would do a small thing that has whatever you feel will be nice and we'd like i i changed a lot of things to make it less traditional and comfortable for me. OK. OK. Maybe.

Did you guys read your own vows or do you have a question? So it was on the beach. It ended up being quite the way I have to say. Like it went from like a garage wedding to like Hamptons. Like, but I actually had a wedding planner who I just like trusted. Like I gave her all my inspo and then the day of the wedding I saw what it looked like

like I oh I like that I was not involved at all I trusted she was gonna be better than me at it it's like with like designing your home

I know this thing I want I don't know how to do it yes she crushed it so I was surprised we did like traditional-ish vows

I was very not into like I don't want this mumbo-jumbo about love and, like, religion. I don't need that. No one knows what it means. We had people heckling us during the – because we have comedians in the crowd, reality TV people who are blackout. One girl, like, fell. And they were, like, what?

Like, they were yelling. It was crazy. The judge who officiated was, like, a family friend who was hilarious. So we were dying laughing and then des is of irish descent so they have the bride and the groom give a speech during the reception which i was like not really about i'm like i don't need to perform on my big day but he goes up and he's murdering like murdering laughs per minute insane people he's like serving and then i start looking at my phone calls me out he's like she knows she's next she's looking at her phone for her notes and i was like

okay now i need to take you the fuck down so then i go up for my speech i you have to slow it down right like if someone's killing before you slow it down you bring people down you almost make them nervous is she bombing what's gonna happen bring him down to nothing and then I'm like I wish sometimes that I was able to like grow with you like you're 47 I met you at 30 I wish I knew who Des was when he was younger I wish I met you when like you were 20 years old but I would have been in kindergarten and then the place like erupted I got an applause break I looked him in the eye and I was like don't ever fuck with me again and that was her wedding i love that and like i always joke that i wish that dave and i had met earlier but i would have been too young so i always say that i think we met on the streets of new york when i was there with my dance teacher in eighth grade and he was an adult working in the

city he was gonna starbucks for his job in the morning. Yeah. Like I'm like, we must've caught each other's eyes. We knew from long ago. But you know what? The best part, cause during it, it's all like, everything has to be formal.

Everyone's like, what we're supposed to do. Then we did the after party across the street at this like beach bar. And that was everything. Cause you don't care anymore. You're like, anything could happen at like when my bridesmaids could like puke her brains out. No one cares. We were like dancing on the bar.

And it was that was the best time. And I that night we had sex. It was crazy. Like humble brag. I realized I just hadn't taken my birth control for a week because I'm horrible with it. And I realized I was ovulating. I'll explain what that is to your producers later. I wake up and we like have to go this like little brunch and I was like do you want to have a baby because I was like I know my luck like I'll get

pregnant. Did he go go inside you? Yeah he go go'd and and he looked at me and he's like I kind of want to travel for like two to three years. You're 47 he's like i kind of want to go skiing more and i'm like okay so i'm like okay let's travel to cvs i got a plan b i have like a whole bit about it how like you know when you're in a walgreens normally it's so fun but then when you're going for a plan b the place just closes in yeah and you can't find it you can't find it's in the family planning family i'm planning i don't know what to do so i took a plan b my wedding we need to get you a deal with julie julie is the plan b is just boring and so medical and so scary to look at but there's julie is the new con julie's a new contraceptive i would love it's like in cute colors and makes you feel hot. No, like the guy had to take out like a cleaver to like break down.

No. The bro to let me. I hate that. That's what I'm saying. It's so attention grabbing. I'm like, I'm trying to be subtle here that I'm irresponsible with my pussy. And you're like telling the whole entire Walgreens. No, when I pick up a Julie, I'm waving that thing around the aisle.

You're like, what? I'm like, look at me being a whore. I let him go, go all up in my guts yeah you drool with your julie yeah like have one in our purses at all times like here kalilah well that's what you did you got me one um oh yeah for our live stream no you need we need to do a campaign of you with a julie the morning after your wedding what's so funny is we decided because we were on reality tv he was on for like a second and people just take whatever they want from it they like monetize it they spin

any story they want to whatever you feel kind of used and abused with your relationship so we were like i'm not doing an article on it i'm not doing like a bride's like this is just for us if it gets picked up by someone's photo fine but just for. But I knew people were like looking at my Instagram like, what's she going to post? So my first post was my like wedding band holding the plan B. I saw that. It was awesome. Thank you. I tried really hard to curate that moment for myself.

Imagine if it was the purple box, the purple Julie box. So much better. Yeah. Would have been better contrast for the photo. Just overall very editorial no but i by the way i just want to say that i love living your life for the storyline like i love an instagram post that's just like yeah bitch i'm a hoe after my wedding like i i don't know that's like my kind of fucking content i literally joked that it's like i lost my virginity on my

wedding night but i didn't um but i'm dealing with some issues now because my husband loves skiing and i wasn't a skier growing up because i was a tennis player and god forbid i got injured skiing so i was like not allowed to ski and my family like didn't really have them like you had to be like loaded i feel like yeah that's very rich on the east coast yeah it was like skiing was not part of the conversation so he skis and i learned obviously i'm really competitive so i wanted to become like the best skier i could be i'm like i'm gonna be in the olympics and he was obviously i married someone like my dad so like in the morning i did three hour lessons afternoon i would show him what i

learned and it's i should probably talk to a therapist about it, but I got like pretty good. And now he like wants to go skiing all the time. And I, it's so embarrassing. I don't love it. Like I have to go to Whistler next week to ski with him. Okay. But do you have to go? Can we like talk about how you can just say no? But you have to do, here's, I think this is how it should work.

You don't have to do all the things he loves, but you have to do one or two things. But we're like the best friends where like we love all the same things. You and your husband. Yeah. So skiing can just not be one of them. But like skiing is his most favorite thing. And I'm such a, like, I want my dad to love me. You know, like I want him, he wakes up and I'll tell him like once I I want my dad to love me. You know, like, I want him, he wakes up.

And I'll tell him, like, once I was like, my toenail fell off. Like, I can't do this anymore. And he's like, you're not going to come skiing with me today. Hannah, if you were, if you were like, no, like, my toenail is on the floor. And he's like, it'll go numb soon because of the ice. So, like, it'll be fine. And I'm like, why are you doing this to me? I know you're a fighter and this is

speaking of fallen toenails um when i was in after i quit swimming i went through the identity crisis and i was like i'm gonna just stay an athlete however which way i can so i started running like 13 miles a day so all my toenails would fall off and i would just paint the meat oh no you didn't i swear to god i swear to god i couldn't go without toenails you should get back together with bobby that's fucking nasty like i can't even imagine touching the meat underneath the toenail the fact you called it meat is so wild the raw chicken i'm a fighter no i had no feeling in my toes at that point you have no feeling anywhere at that point you're numb to everything it's funny because my toenail finally grew back but like with curve so i'm like she's learning to love

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Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash tuesday 45 up front payment required equivalent to 15 a month new customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply statement mobile for details yeah you don't just like disappear when you're older i mean we talked my nana and i still got it my grandma's like posting on instagram like a full influencer at 82 years old wow so inspiring and she no she out you should see valentine's day she's pink she has the patterns like every like outfits and like we have to remember that like you're still alive. Yeah, bro. You don't have to give up on everything just because you got old.

Oh, fuck the way that our society has treated old people like they're supposed to just disappear. And LA old people, that means you're like 38, right? Yeah. I'm moments away. In fact, you know what? When I'm 80, I'm going to be waving that box of Julie in the aisle still impregnable women are so fucking like they know everything they're so confident

they're so I don't know I like aspire to be I told you Barbara Corcoran is like I love Barbara Corcoran like I look up to her there's this thing that she says like over and over again and say she always believes in people that are a little broken wait she dm'd me on instagram no no i had a full freak out mama i know i love her

she's like you need help but yeah she it's i was talking to esther about how like some girls they you dream of you like different things and i was always the kind of, I did not care about being the prettiest girl in the room. I wanted to be Barbara Corcoran. I wanted to be like Chelsea Handler. I wanted to be like that vibe. And like that has nothing to do with the wrinkles on your face. No, and also I'm just, I'm ready to,

I'm not giving up. Like if I have the privilege of becoming a little old lady like I want to you're gonna be I'm gonna fight the fight wait you're gonna be such an iconic older lady but like I don't know if I can handle your cuteness because old people are cute in general oh my god I'm just getting cuter you're like Jack Harlow you're just getting cuter but as you get older I mean the good and bad news is that your testosterone starts to kind of move upwards. What does that mean?

Which means I kind of want to see that testosterone version. Oh, is that why they like, don't give a fuck? Like they're just so tough. Yeah. And then the men, their estrogen tends to compete more with their testosterone.

That's why there's this myth of like the sweet young man and the cranky old lady, because it's like the hormone starts to kind of shift in older age those will be less grumpy over time yeah interesting that they ever stop waking up at 7 a.m because that's what is that honestly i mean no i never had that no no no 6 7 p.m quite the. 12 hours after. Yes, reverse. Just reverse. No, but I keep looking around in my life. I'm like, am I the only one that hates waking up this early? I like to roll around in bed and dissociate for two hours before I even do a single thing. Oh, yeah. I do not pop out of bed.

I thought I need to go on Wellbutrin or something, but I think that's just me. I'm most creative and hyper at like 11. But then I was thinking because of like having to do two a days, working so hard. I always remember fantasizing like when I have some autonomy in my life, I'm going to take a nap. I'm going to sleep in. Those are my two priorities. When I'm done swimming, I'm going to sleep in and I'm going to take naps. Swimmers, you had to like wake up at like 3 a.m.

I had to be in the water by 5. Yeah, that is so abusive. Yeah, it's fucked up and it was cold and it's like the pools are heated to like maybe upper 70s, but it's like 35 degrees out in the winter and you're like, I don't want to be wet right now. 5 a.m.

You are so much stronger than me. Like it's, I'm pathetic. The fact that you were in a cold pool at 5 a.m. ever even once. It's like you could crush me with your hand. I'm such a fuck nothing. No. Okay.

Surviving ballet school. Thank you. Yeah. That's something. You should talk to someone. That is like, Esther, that you, I think I would argue and say you went through maybe the most psychological warfare like that's my nightmare yeah because you have to worry about your weight your aesthetic like

when you're just a swim when you're i'm a swimmer and athlete like i don't give a fuck how crusty i am yeah putting your hair in a bun these are things i never had to worry me neither never i would i smelled like chlorine i was crusty as shit i was probably like walking around with bccs because a fucking wet fucking swimsuit was up my pussy all day. You know, so I never cared about that. But like ballet is a completely different story. It's like looks are everything. Oh, my God.

I'm a somebody. I want to ask you guys something. What kind? And I don't think this has necessarily anything to do with, you know, the person that you are or it might. anything to do with, you know, the person that you are, or it might. But how or when do you fill up your gas tank? And when do you charge your phone? Do you wait till it's dead? Do you wait till there's five miles left in your tank? What do you do? Do you run on empty? Do you live on the edge? Oh, my God, you're totally catching me in my most shameful, literally for the last 15 years of my adult life living in la like i when i moved here when my dad walked me down out to the driveway and i was on the drive

to los angeles when i was 21 or something yeah he said always fill your gas tank when it's half full and i've never done it once i always wait it sounds like does talking to me i don't listen i always wait till it's on e and every time it's on e i feel like fucking shit and i i'm like oh my god i'm a mess i'm a loser and my worst fear is to be driving and the car went out of gas that has not happened but are you seeking the thrill that's what i'm saying no i realize i realize at this point in my life i like the drama no i think so i think i do too it makes you feel alive i don't like it i don't i swear and i've even been in situations where it's like 3 a.m and i'm in like a weird area and i have to get gas i'm like if i get killed this is my fault

it's a good story to tell also i would examine that and maybe get on board with me and hannah i'm telling you there is a something there that i'm not admitting to where i'm like am i just lazy am i just putting this off till the end but i need a little bit of like feeling like oh this could go bad before i do anything i think it's laziness for me but laziness is a myth remember it's also like you don't know that girl like the one who's like i'll be fine i'll get it right that girl's not getting it later and like you never could you know yeah wait you're yeah yeah who is she she's never coming home jesus is never coming back that girl is never and you feel so like betrayed by her like when

you're on empty you're like you were there like you could who was that that decided to fuck me now she doesn't care about me she doesn't love me but then you'll be her the next day and be like she's fine anyway i have i have too many voices in my head fun facts about me is because i'm a new yorker i don't drive okay so that lucky i honestly think i couldn't handle the admin of all that but i have done this thing where like my phone i'm i'm routine oriented like i'm a little bit like a cat with certain things i just need routine so it's like at night i charge my phone but every now and then it'll be like at 15 and i'm starting to fall asleep and i'm like i don't really want to get up and put in the charger and i will say i will figure it out in the morning

i go to sleep and do you figure it out in the morning um it gets hectic it's crazy right we're chargers I'm going to random bar right you're blaming people around you yeah yeah yeah I'm not speaking to my family I get a divorce but so yeah I I just I that Hannah doesn't respect the other Hannah like I say yes to everything and then the day of I'm like who which Hannah thought this was okay I have to say this is a skill that I have worked on over the years and I feel very confident in my abilities here and one of my tricks with it is would I do it today yeah would I do it tomorrow and that has really helped me and like I think I've told you guys this before but for for a year, me and my college friends

did this thing like, it was like 2019, no flake. And so if we flaked on anything, we had to do a punishment for the other person. That's a cult. Yeah, I am a cult leader. If you don't know that by now, you're in the cult. You see a documentary on Netflix about it. Just started watching it.

I'm so by mother god wait which documentary it's the sarah lawrence sex call oh i haven't seen it yet the third episode not there yet but excited blew my mind okay the second one you're like okay this is really fucked up and then third one i was sobbing i was screaming throwing up it but like in a beautiful way but i'm very recovered at saying i i but now i almost say no to everything although now okay so how do you decipher it because you say would i do this tonight yeah and also it's like when you go a year where if you flake on something you have to do a punishment you get it in your system you're like i'm not saying yes if i'm not might not go but so you

how did you get over the like i'm letting this person if i'm not might not go but so you how did you get over the like i'm letting this person down feeling that's really easy for me that's just the natural born this way kind of thing i don't give a fuck like i don't know anyone anything are you insane like what i don't know why immediately like if someone's like hey can you do my show tonight if i just say no like as a full sentence no i feel like they'll be like she's a bitch she's a dina I can't make it I'm sorry I'm that person that will come up with like a full excuse for you I'd be like my ovaries bleeding like I can't I'm yeah I think I'm dying I have just driven in circles in bad neighborhoods looking for parking too many nights to say yes to random shows true and if i don't fill my cup first i have no cups

to fill for anyone you're healthier much healthier than me in that way like i really look no to a lot of stuff well me all the time it's i i can say no but like hannah i feel pretty terrible like there will be like a you know like a three-page apology yeah um but it's also because we're trained to like be able to do anything and not care about our own feelings so i'm not that in touch with it like i'm like i'd rather them be happy with me like that feels better right i'm gonna be miserable at day everyone is coach everyone is coach like that's how i treat it it's like if i if i what can i do so that you you know like me better in this moment or you respect me more in this moment it's never just like i can get it for myself but it's obviously it's i'm a lot better

now i'm a little bit more therapized now but my instinct is always to do the full-blown explanation you know what's funny about that what you just said is like oh how can if my answer is about like you know pleasing the other person not only are you betraying yourself you're betraying me because i don't want you to show up if you don't want to be there like then now i feel do you know what i mean but coach never really cared i'm calling him coach it's like figure no that is so powerful but it's so funny that my therapist told me that they're like you've betrayed yourself all the time because i mean even like playing tennis every day you have to betray yourself

to consciously wake up that early perform on every day you feel horrible that you literally don't write it's in your body and your your habits your system yeah my i do think some friends like really love the plans and the hanging out more than others and like whole friendships will be ruined by like someone canceling on things like some people are like high maintenance like that which like i respect they find each other my best friends and i our thing is flaking so like she literally like first of all it's a it's abusive and this is a strong word that was a strong word it's not abusive but it's like a lot for you to i'm chilling you asked me to do something i didn't ask to do and then i have to

feel bad to say no so like everything we do i go you can totally cancel i don't even want to do it do you want to do this tonight okay so that's how my friendship structure works too where it's like because they understand that there's probably like deep codependency happening so it's like we have a full safe policy of canceling and everyone just accepts it even if it's last minute like oh like and you don't ask those people to do things that are like important right but like like i have a friend that i will never ask to do something that's like very important but i love her to death yeah but like she's canceled on me so many times and i've always been okay with it because it's like part of our friendship yeah i think that's healthy but like a phone call she's always there for me but to physically ask her to be somewhere is a lot can i okay so this is totally unrelated but

you know that the the current sitting president of the philippines one of the reasons he won was because he won um basic social media he won tiktok he basically had a whole team generate all of these false things about him i mean that's the whole world like right right right but one of the craziest things that people really fell for was that he discovered michael jordan for just thinking of that as a lie that's like my father invented toaster strudel iconic lie oh my god he's like george santos of tiktok yeah basically that he because he's a marcos and a marcos in in the Philippines was, he was like basically like a fucking, he put martial law in the Philippines. No dictator.

Bad, bad, bad history. Oh, bad. But then their son is now the sitting president. And one of the stories out there was that he visited, I don't know, it was like, where's Michael Jordan from? North Carolina? Yeah, this is the propaganda right here. Okay, there we go. So here, I'll read it to you guys.

On December 24th, 1969, the Marcos family was in Wilmington, North Carolina to celebrate the holidays. President Ferdinand Marcos was walking in a park and he saw a skinny child begging for food. He gave him a whole box of Nutribun and said, bring this with you child. Someday you will grow up

to be someone important. The kid grew up to be Michael Jordan. That's not even Discovery. He wasn't playing basketball. You getting a kid food. Also, that seems like just, I don't, that is so fucked up.

But I have family members who believe this because I'm like, why did you vote for this guy? And they were like, he discovered Michael Jordan. He goes to Carolina from the Philippines.

Like of all the vacation, you're not going all the way across the world to go to Wilmington. Oh God. michael from the philippines like of all the vacation you're not going all the way across the world to go to wilmington oh god that is a beautiful lie i will i have uncles who will fight me on this that is the most fucking thing i've ever heard also i wouldn't remember the name of a kid that i gave food to and i've never remembered any person I've given food to no yeah that's I'm just like what can I think of yeah yeah yeah Esther we should come up with something this is like me thinking I met Dave in 2002 in middle school in New York City like I just believe it or like it's my I'm like because

I also believe that I remember the day I was born like And that's obviously a lie, but I believe it. Well, that's kind of like the cult thing, where cult leaders will tell you facts about your life based off, like, give me a little truth and I'll tell you what actually happened. If I tell you it enough, you believe it's a real memory, and then all your memories are fucked up, and then you believe your family poisoned you. This has happened to me before.

Believe it or not, several times. In fact,ave watched the sarah lawrence thing and he was like you would fall for this he's like you're so lucky you weren't there you would have this you would have been all about this because we're athletes i do believe we'll fall for any yeah because like we're like if someone's like i see greatness in you i'm sold like i'm literally done these people literally be like do you want to be a better person and you just follow my rules and then you'll take over the world i'd be like absolutely and next thing you know i'm like murdering because i was also very praise deprived that

yeah praise is my kink but but now i just like i don't necessarily require it but when i do hear it it's i could come you know so you're right i see greatness in you that's how my hair just stood up because also these these women in these cults and men are a lot of really smart successful type a people it's like why narcissists come for people like you because when they love bomb you you're like finally someone fucking realized in three days that i'm perfect finally because he sees me for me and i'm actually fucking great i have confidence and then they suck it all out oh god i'm so susceptible to that i but i feel that i am the perfect mix of exactly perfect to be recruited into a cult and also exactly ready to be a cult leader like i'm both of those things

i also think you could be the mole in there that could dismantle the whole thing yeah that's i think sweet you see that's what i do no i really believe that too because the fact that you could be the leader but you don't just want to be the leader. It makes me feel like you'd start a rebellion. Okay. That's a hotter role. 2023 plans for me. I don't know. In the apocalypse, I'll find you. Yeah.

Guide me. I'll be a good. You can be the second iteration of Mother God. Okay. She's the love has won cult leader, right? Okay. She died from like. Look at how she's sitting now. She's sitting differently.

Powerful. She's carrying herself differently. Actually, us together. i feel like you can be the leader we will be the muscle yeah we will be your bodyguards and you can convince us to do any crazy shit and we'll do it we're just your oxen really yeah this is what i've always wanted we'll carry you around your feet use our athletic prowess this is who i am your feet will never have to touch the ground ever again we hold it in full circle let me sit there and you're just petting your little dog and you give us praise sometimes but then you take it away oh that's so i honestly that's so mean i can't do it like i have had that happen to me that i'm like i won't do that to anyone i'll just like no i can't you tell kalilah she's standing out but not in the good way

oh my god it's been so much esther too much if we start to kind of enjoy ourselves or talk oh yeah much not too much yeah no more giggling um this has been so much fucking fun oh my god i love you guys you belong here oh my god literally every time i'm in la i'll just sit on the rug just have your flight land right outside here walk off the flight i've but it's so funny because this is like the only pod that i've like really fangirled for i just when the three of you were all together i just was like oh those are my people and when i first went on it i was like nervous i was like so excited and then i think i said the name wrong that's how you know i was like really nervous to be there i was like i love this pod tuesday trashes

i am a huge fan of the of Giggly Squad and of Burning in Hell. Thank you. Love your stuff. Which Esther was on. Yes. Great. Kalilah, I would love to have you on a video. Of course.

And I just had you on my solo podcast. My pleasure. You killed it. We had so much fun. This has been wonderful. Anything else people can come see or stand up on the road? Oh, yeah. You're the queen of

TikTok. Oh my God. I'm a full TikToker now. That's all I care about in life. I have an addiction. Same. But I'm going to be in New York City and Boston and Richmond and Miami coming up. So hannahburn.com. Check it out. We love that. And you guys, thank you so much for being here with us. We will see you next week with a brand new episode until then um my feet are the boss of you bye guys