Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Rachel Feinstein’s Husband Calls Her “Big Guy”

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Rachel Feinstein is our guest this week! The girls dig into dating toxic, hot losers in their 20’s, Rachel’s sweet NYC firefighter husband who calls her “Big Guy” and how becoming a mom does not mean you have it all together and that is A-OK ! Go watch Rachel’s hilarious special “Big Guy” on Netflix!! FOLLOW US: SUBSCRIBE TO OUR YOUTUBE!! FOLLOW TRASH TUESDAY INSTAGRAM FOLLOW TRASH TUESDAY TIKTOK FOLLOW ESTHER & KHALYLA  Khalyla Kuhn - INSTAGRAM Esther Povitsky -INSTAGRAM THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: **BETTERHELP** - Take a moment, with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/TRASHTUESDAY today to get 10% off your first month.  Betterhelp.com/trashtuesday MORE RACHEL FEINSTEIN: WATCH RACHEL’S SPECIAL “BIG GUY” ON NETFLIX OUT NOW!  TOUR DATES | https://rachel-feinstein.com/ INSTAGRAM | https://www.instagram.com/rachelfeinstein_/?hl=en 00:00 Toxic Ex Question 00:40 Welcome to the show - Rachel Feinstein! 01:00 Rachel’s Husband Calls Her “Big Guy” 10:00 Finding Men at Steakhouses 18:00 Motherhood is funny 25:00 Esther and Khalyla are Committing Vet Fraud 31:00 Men Don’t Talk to Other Men About Their Lives 33:00 Can You Set Your Friend’s Ex Up? 40:00 Toxic Ex’s  49:00 Pick Me Men 53:00 How Men and Women Differ in Attraction 58:00 Don’t Ghost 01:00:00 Men Asking If They Can Kiss You 01:03:00 Esther is a Bad Kisser 01:07:00 Wrapping Up LISTEN! LISTEN TO TRASH ON ITUNES LISTEN TO TRASH ON SPOTIFY LISTEN & FOLLOW OUR OTHER PODCASTS TigerBelly Podcast w/ Bobby Lee  Rick and Esther Have a Time  Creds: Exec. Producer & Showrunner: Stella Young and Tiny Legends Productions Shot and Edited By: Guy Robinson and Sean Wanless Edited By: Andrew Tarr (Audio) & Guy Robinson (Video) Theme Song Written by: Bobby Lee  Banana Break Song by: Can Nguyen  This Video Contains Paid Advertising

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offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply statement mobile for details a very toxic question if given the opportunity and you said hey let's hook up tonight how many of your exes would say okay yeah i'm down what a crazy question that's a toxic question literally in my head i'm like i will don't drink through my mic this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Take a moment. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.

H-E-L-P.com slash Trash Tuesday. You guys, we have a guest today. I can't believe this is her first time on our show. It makes no sense. Right? I feel like we've only talked about her every third episode. Wait, what's the special called? It's called Big Guy. Oh my god, it is? Yes. Oh my god, I'm so happy that it's called that. And if you don't know why it's called that,

watch it because the bit about that is so good. I can tell people that. Yeah, people call me, my husband calls me Big Guy and doesn't understand why I don't care for that nickname. He also has a song. He goes, hey, she's my big gay. He follows me around the house, brushes his mustache whenever he has a disgusting mustache and sings to me like, hey, she's my big gay. And then he'll just like shrug with this like you do the math expression. Like he wasn't the one that just said that. He's like, eh, what are you going to do?

Wait, and how does one comedian meet one New York City firefighter? How does that happen? Oh, God. I love a good normie. Yes, right? Entertainer chaotic relationship. That is exactly what it is. That was such a good, that's exactly what it is.

That was exactly what it is. Yeah, we're not like, we don't have some sort of calm life. No, it's complete madness. How did you guys meet? And emotionally, he's a desert. We met. He can't like soothe.

No. I have to like place his hand on my lower back. I like this is where it would go in this situation this is terrible profound sadness to it yeah do you also say that when you were pregnant you were like hey did you like get pictures of me he was like i got it this is like one photo he claims that he doesn't have enough storage on his phone for like pics of me i'm like this is a storage based issue, you wild asshole. He's like, nah, you know, just because of the storage here. I'm like, really? You're chock full? No, he's not. I mean, he's not like romantic. Yeah. He's like a definitely, he runs very dumb in that way. Yeah. Pretty worthless in that regard. And by the way, when I talk about that like he loves it so

people always will be like you know what does he feel about you know what you said I'm like he loves it because then he's like yeah that was good that was solid was on a pie when you talked I'm like no doesn't mean it's good they're laughing because it's awful I have the opposite thing where I feel like I'll say things about my baby's father and then I'll be like everyone liked it like it was good he's like no but you he he doesn't like being talked about which is like the worst thing for a comedian's partner I'm so jealous that you have someone that like just doesn't matter if it's good or bad he just likes it yeah but you but he also probably can give you a hug if you're sad. My husband will give me like a pound.

I swear to God, if my father died, he'd be like, hey, let's get back out there. He talks to me like a coach or something. He'd be like, good sesh. Do you feel like that's what you needed? Like when you first met him and you were like, he's an emotional desert. I'm in love. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's it. You're like very like you read desert i'm in love yes yes exactly yeah that's it you're like

very like you you read things very fast that's exactly the but is it because you think he's just um like you know that he can handle everything about your comedy and who you are and he's sort of just like immune to all of it i feel like that's like why it works out and that's a really good insight i mean works and it's not working but he does like infuriate me a lot. But, but I do feel like, yes, I felt, I definitely felt like the night I met him, like I liked him so much right away. You know, like I was just so, I told my friend like, I want to marry this fireman, you know, my friends were calling him like backdraft. And I was like, they're like, you're not going to marry like backdraft. I'm like, no, I do. I do I want to marry him yeah I definitely felt like right away I was like I want to marry this guy

I don't and then you know when you like go on your like later in your relationship and you go over those first scenes um he he doesn't have like thoughts about those you know he's the opposite I'm like when I did this were you thinking that and he's just like I feel like that's just universal, though, because really. Yeah. So even the guy. But I attribute my my partner's lack of memories to his apnea. Like I you know, we did talk about this. Both of our partners are on CPAPs and they they don't breathe in their sleep very well. They're partially ill. They might die if they fall asleep in the wrong place or the electricity goes out.

I know your man can save you in a fire while ours can die in his sleep. Wait, what does happen if the power goes out? Post-apocalyptic. They'll never get good sleep. Or they'll die. I don't know because, like I said, we did that one sleepover at my studio apartment that I shared with another person who was also mentally ill. And he didn't bring his CPAP. And the whole night he lived.

He did survive the night, but it was all night. You can work that into dirty talk, though. I am me, yeah. And then just blow your nose. I always like that. But I do find. When somebody's slam rotting me. That was the dumbest thing I've ever said.

I'm a mother. Slam rot is the stupidest thing I've said out loud. Followed by I'm a mother. But I do find that a lot of guys do not remember like the little details of the beginning. That makes me feel a lot better. Yeah. Because he's pretty much a blank slate with that. Tell me how you felt when you first laid eyes on me. Yeah. He's like, oh, you were hot. Like, yeah, it was cool. It was chill. No detail. No, like, there's no moment of

like, let's pillow talk about this. Zero, right? Yeah, I love doing that. That's my favorite thing to do is to go run back over small social interactions. I know. I have the same thing. It's like I think about the night I first laid eyes on Dave and it was this magical thing. And he's like, I don't know. I thought you were someone's kid. You had a hoodie covering you. Someone's kid is amazing. Like he was looking for your owner.

It's so not. There's no magic on his end of like meeting me. And so, yes, you are not alone in that. That helps. And I guess you guys, you don't want a guy to like that remembers like what yes you are not alone that helps and i guess you guys you don't want a guy to like that remembers like what you were wearing because that guy might not be straight if he was like you had a pencil skirt a smart pencil skirt and a pastel sweater yeah that guy doesn't want to be inside you i i did date a guy previous to this one who was a little

bit like that where he was very like detail oriented and i I did find it suffocating. Yeah. Because it's like, because then he was the person if I like had a misstep or I did something wrong, he's like, well, you remember when this, it was just too, and I'm like. That's exhausting. Yeah. I need to be that person. We want to analyze.

Yes. What answer is perfect to you guys? When you're asking your partners these questions, like what do you want to analyze yes what answer is perfect to you guys when you're asking your partners these questions like what do you want to hear from them the whole detail i want to hear how how rock hard he was the first time he saw me how he he immediately knew i was the girl of his dreams yeah of course right since i just want a series of compliments. I don't want to be like, yeah, I just want a series of hard compliments that I can like screenshot in my mind. Exactly.

Just compliments, compliments. Like my heart skipped, whatever it is, just tell me it was an amazing first, you know, like sight of me. Well, Dave thought I was someone's kid, so I actually hope he was not rock hard. That would be a problem. But yeah, I feel, do agree with you, though. It's like you want to hear that, like, I saw you and I wanted to fuck you. It was just so that's so gross.

Like, it should be. I saw you and I thought you were beautiful, but I'm as ill as you. And I want them to think I'm a piece of. That's all I care about. Also, really? Yeah, I'm a real dumb hole that way. I don't care if anybody says I'm a piece of meat. That's all I care about also. Really? Yeah, I'm a real dumb hole that way. I don't care if anybody says I'm funny. I'm like, eh, beat it.

Get out of my inbox. Tell me I have a nice rack or something. Beat it. I don't care. It doesn't do anything for me. I think you are a big guy. You just told someone to beat it. I don't know.

What am I, 70? I'm talking like I'm in the winter of my life for some reason. As kids, did we like to hear how our parents met or fell in love? Is that something we like had an ick about or did we like hearing that? I always think it's interesting how people meet. I ask everybody how they meet. I think it's great. Wait, how did you meet your man? Oh, so, well, I was, this is very embarrassing, but I was definitely looking like, you know, like I wasn't like, who me? No, I've never been that. No one's ever looking for me. I was waving people down. Yeah. I was looking in such

a way that a lot of my friends were actively concerned about me. They were like, this isn't good and you're not coming from a healthy place. I would go to steakhouses after spots and just look for a guy because I heard that men hang out at steakhouses. And I didn't realize like how actively humiliating that is. I was like, I talked, I was like telling people and my friend was like, you can't tell people that you're doing that with the steakhouse. Wait, single men at steakhouses? Yes. I kind of agree. Steakhouse is good because it's like, well, they can afford to go to a steakhouse. Yeah. So that's good right at the gate. Right. But I don't know what else. Are you looking at what cut he's ordering? If it's like, you know, cap or if it's filet mignon or. I just

have a throbbing desperation, but the cut of the steak is amazing. And I should have thought of that. And I wouldn't, I would get there and think I would say something, but I was like, I can't, I'm going to say to some stranger. Um, and then instead I was just kind of like, yeah, just sort of glare over towards them. And they were usually pretty alarmed by me, the group. But my friend met me at the steakhouse and she, uh, was like, Hey, I don't know how many times I can keep meeting you here. And, uh, she was like, uh, cause we't know how many times I can keep meeting you here. And she was like, because we weren't really, we weren't cashing in numbers. We weren't crunching too many numbers.

They would just like hit on her and go. And she's like, why don't I set you up with a fireman? She's a comedian, Irene Bremen. She's really hilarious, one of my best friends. And she has a special out also on Amazon. And she was like, I'll text my husband and see if he has a fireman for you. So we were sitting at the steakhouse bar and she texts her husband. And he sent back almost immediately like two options, which still fascinates me. I'm like, how did you have like two firemen like ready on his phone?

He was just like, yeah, this guy or this guy. Like, which one does she want? So it's like I ordered him off that. Yeah. she wants. I was like, I ordered him off that. Yeah. I have to say I relate so much to the like going out and trying to find someone and failing because I literally my whole adult life did not know that men actually hit on women in bars. Like I thought that was just something that happened in movies. And then I had this gorgeous roommate who looked like young blonde Rachel McAdams she lived with me for literally a month in my early LA days and um we're like let's we're new roommates let's go out to you

know we had mutual friends but let's go to a bar together we go to a bar in Santa Monica we walk in literally seven men zoom right towards her and they're I'm like they're all asking for her number asking about her and I'm like I did not know this was a real thing and that was a it was a really sad time actually learning that information but why was it sad because they were only hitting on her and it never happened oh I thought they were going to both of you no Rachel that's not this look look where we are I mean yeah I just assumed they were all hitting on you. You know, I know that feeling. It's not a good one. And I've definitely, yeah, my whole life I've been like an appendage to some hotter woman. So I always feel like that when I'm out in public, especially when I'm with my

friend Irene, because she's like aggressively hot. People have to like, people are just like coming everywhere and like tripping and falling and stuff. It's kind of like an impediment to movement. I feel like there is meeting a guy at a bar is, I don't know, I've never had any like successful long-term relationships like sprout out of that. I guess, but then it's like what, I genuinely don't understand how people meet random people because dating apps have proved that that's not what's up. I, we were, since we were set up, we still did meet in a bar because then he was brought to some bar in Brooklyn to meet me and, you know, and then like, and my friends brought

me and then his friends brought him and yeah. I mean, I shouldn't talk. I met Bobby on Tinder. I feel like you could meet somebody anywhere. Anywhere. Any witchy way. Yeah. But also that was like kind of the golden era of Tinder.

It was. It was the first dating app. In that era of Tinder where like they got married off of it. Really? Yeah. That first year of Tinder. But then I feel like everything went downhill. Yeah. He was like my first and only date. That's like the only way. Really? So you hadn't dated? On Tinder? No. Because Tinder had only been out like around 11 years ago.

Tinder had only been out for three months when I first got on it. And I thought it was just the most novel thing ever. And I had lined up a couple. I had started talking to a couple of people, but Bobby was the first one who was pretty like, hey, like I'm driving to you to Long Beach. That's so nice. I was like, okay. And so, yeah, it worked out in that way.

But I mean, like, yeah, you're right. Like it can happen anywhere. Like the guy I'm with now, I met at a yoga class. And not because he's a yogi, by the way. He happens to be the most inflexible person ever. And he just goes to yoga to try to like stretch out once in a while. You guys met at a yoga? We did. That's like such a sensual way to be who actually wow i guess very hot people meet like that that's but again so cool he's he's a he's like a very gruff kind of manly thick dude who like hunts

and fishes yeah so i was like who is this thick ass boy at yoga class? Like he's not killing it, but I respect that he's here trying to like be a little bit more flexible. And the first time we met, we hardly spoke. But then we went on like a group dive. A couple of my friends in common were like, hey, let's all go dive in the ocean the next day. I was like, yeah, I'm in. And then I saw him and he turned out to be Aquaman. Really? And I'm like, so good in the water. Like I, because I grew up as a competitive swimmer.

So like my standards for how people should move in the water are very high. And I saw this man and I was like, oh my God, he's a provider. He's going to provide for me post-apocalyptic.

What does he do? What's his job? Construction. I'm so hot. I was with a throbbing alcoholic, but he was a construction worker, so I just stayed with him. Yeah. I like moved in with him. He was a wild liar, but it was just so hot that he would just come home with this drop like a tool belt.

Like, yeah, I'm like a Jew. Like my dad can't like operate like a fuse box or something. But I love that exact type. Like I'll just see like the idea of a thick man. Like somebody's like, he's thick and I'm like, ah,

like a thick thigh somewhere. I love a thick thigh. Just goes straight to the badge. Thick thigh is important. That is why baseball players are the hottest athletes to me. Yes. Because they've got those thick legs.

I love those, yeah, those pants and then just like, yes, speaking of Slam Run Central. But yeah, I do think a thicker, I like a thicker, because also because I'm not small. So I need to be, yeah, I have to like get a larger guy because I've never been like a petite or whatever. But that's, I'm going to counter that by saying I have dated all shapes and sizes.

We know. So I've gone, my last one was 5'4 on a good day. Portly Korean man to this kind of guy. And I got to say, like, they're enjoyable across the board. And I always thought, well, I'm tall, I'm athletic, I'm broad shouldered. It doesn't matter. Like, you know, the short kings really come through. And I always thought, well, I'm tall, I'm athletic, I'm broad-shouldered. It doesn't matter. Like, you know, the short kings really come through.

I think it's because, like, I imagine them being more disgusted by me. I know what you mean. That would be more sad than I meant it to sound. Like, I just think they're going to be like, God, this is a lot to manage. But you're right. You're absolutely right. And none of those things matter. Like I would go into like therapy with all these theories. I'm like, so what they, what I need is this and what they want. I'm like, like, it's like on Amazon cart. You know,

you get to just, you're going to just meet somebody. No, I know. We will all find ways to pick apart why we are not good, attractive mates. Like I did that for years. I was like, well, I have pale skin. I have dark hair. I have a round face. And then I meet Dave and he's like, I think your cheeks are beautiful. I'm like, whoa, like what? Like I can't believe. And now I'm like, oh, of course I am like a type for someone. But it's just so funny.

Like we'll find any reason to be like, here's why no one should like me. We'll like make ourselves seem like ugly losers no matter what. Rachel, I have to thank you for being a part of this recent mom group text that I've joined. And I am so sorry that I spent the last nine months being a miserable bitch, literally just writing. I want to know what that's like from your perspective, like having to deal with me just completely whining. I loved it. I loved it, of course. Well, yeah, because like you just like know that this good thing is going to happen. You have like good news for somebody that's flapping around and, you know, and also I, you know, like and like when you're going through, I knew would get better. So

we were talking about this a few minutes ago, like when you were saying like, oh, the first trimester, this is happening. I'm like, oh yeah, that's disgusting. And you always want somebody who's just been freshly been through something that can tell you that, oh, the next chapter is good, you know? So it's very satisfying. I just felt like I'm the bearer of better news. But leading up to it, I'm sure it's pretty hard to believe that you're going to feel

this great about it. I was just like rocking in a corner and just like glaring. I wasn't just. Were you pretty miserable too during pregnancy? I was not like, I didn't like love it. No, I was not one of those women that loved it or, or, um, and any suggestion to make anything easier. I was just like.

Goss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like sway and that, you know, like near, somebody told me to sway. I almost punched her. She's like, just, just sway. Kind of enjoy what I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like sway and, you know, like near. Somebody told me to sway.

I almost punched her. She's like, just sway. Kind of enjoy. I'm like. I just wasn't prepared for how funny it is. And it's very funny. And funny things happen all the time. Like, because your kid is so cute.

And they say shit. You made this person like walk into your room and say things. It's absolutely hysterical. Like, my daughter will just like wake me up in the middle of the night. And like, now she wants to get in my bed. So she'll like compliment me first to get in the bed. Like she works me and it's hilarious, you know. She'll be like, oh, that's cute. And I'm like, it's like a black scrunchie on my wrist. She'll be like, oh, that's cute. And then she's in the bed, this four-year-old. She'll be like, where'd you get that? Like she tries to kind of like charm me and it's so

ridiculous, you know. That is so cute. It is really funny. So you always knew you wanted to, but you were just like, I don't know how it'll happen because of this career I'm in. Yeah. And I just kind of kept kicking the ball down the road. And and then we were talking about this. And then I went to go get like tested and they said I couldn't have a baby. And then they said it was too low for even like IVF or whatever. They're basically just, were you trying before you went to get tested? So we went to a fertility clinic, did a bunch of blood tests and they were like, oh, it's not possible for you to be pregnant in more clinical terms. And then, um, how can they just tell someone that it's not possible? That is so interesting to me. Yeah. It was very, I like to tell people that because so many people are going through stuff and,

and it was very, I mean, yeah, like, and two people told me that too. Like two different doctors said, they called me this nurse, I remember, and she was like reading me my score or whatever. By the way, I have no information as I'm telling this story because I don't remember. I just, I just remember it was bad. It was a score of something. I don't know. Um. It was a womb score, I believe is the clinical term. She was like, and I'm asking her to explain it to me. I'm like, can you explain what that means? And she's like, I mean, it's not good. It's 0.003. Like it's bad. That's how she talked to me too.

I'm like, fuck you. You know, like people can be very jarring in the process. So she was a little much and I was sad. And then I just got pregnant. And then I went back to both of the doctors and I was like, well, that was weird that you said I couldn't. And they were just like, I know, isn't it great? Like, no, no, no. What was their explanation for all of that? They didn't have one. They were just like, yeah, water under the bridge. I'm like, no, you can't do that to people. That is crazy. They literally told you, you can't get pregnant. You're not even a good candidate for IVF. They're like, you don't have enough of an egg reserve or

whatever. Like you can't have IVF. I love that you know, you helped me with that sentence. You can't do IVF. And then you just go home and are you like, do you give up? Or you're like, we'll just have sex for fun. I was like sobbing that day when the nurse said that. And then my husband came home and then, uh, and again, didn't sue. He's like, yeah, I wouldn't overthink it. Ludicrous response. But why was he right? Why was he actually right though? He was actually right.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, I wouldn't overthink that. Like, and he like got some milk out. I'm like, can you walk over to the bed, you moron? So were you just in shock? Was it a complete shock when you actually got pregnant? Yes. I was completely shocked.

Yeah. This is crazy. I was like out here. Well, it happened to you remember with angela what similar angela johnson she went through all of those rounds of ivf and so many disappointments and then she got ran she got pregnant spontaneously but nobody told her like you're never gonna get pregnant you barren bitch like that's what's crazy about this story to me. Like, this is important to share because I'm sure there's plenty of people that this happens to and they're like, I'm screwed. And then they're, yeah, maybe. Yeah. It was very, it was very, and I have no, like, nobody could explain it.

Like, the only thing that when I pressed them, they could say is like, maybe the blood work was wrong. And I'm like, it's not even a good story. And twice for two different people. So yeah, I think there's like something about it all that nobody's figured out and that, you know, it's a good chance you will if you're trying. How do you feel like comparing your life before and after? I definitely feel like it's really fun, but I also feel like I'm in no way like juggling anything. And also I was a mess before and I'm still kind of a fun loving mess. I've just accepted that that's what I am. Like, I'm not going to pull anything off quite right. Like I always get a little note from her school, like telling me what mistake I made that day. What do they say? They always scold me. I think

that's also like, I just get scolded a lot in general. People are comfortable scolding me. The teacher will DM me. I mean, she'll be like, I hope teacher will dm me i mean she'll be like uh i hope she doesn't say this but she'll be like uh you know her water bottle wasn't filled to the top today i'm like top her off bitch first of all come on let's write a message about that um but yeah they'll like they'll always let me know that something and and i still do the same shit that i used to do so like we went for her like parent teacher preschool in Queens meeting. And I showed up and left my passport there. It's just weird debris behind. I'm always like shedding strange things. And I still do stuff like that. It's just that I'm now also a mom doing that. So

in some ways, I was surprised by how much I didn't grow when I had a baby. But also I was like, oh, you could still, it's okay. You can continue to be a disaster to some degree. Yeah. You just have to be, it's just your connection to your kid. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan i thought where's the catch but after talking to them it all made sense there isn't one mint mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online they don't have retail stores or sales people

instead they deliver premium phone plans directly to you as you guys know our friend rick glassman he uses mint mobile i learn about mint mobile through george kimmel george is a busy guy he takes the most business calls and the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with plans starting at 15 bucks a month. And all plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

That is such a steal. To get this new customer offer and your new three month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month new customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Esther, you and I are mentally ill. Oh, wow. You just came right out and said it. I thought maybe we'd warm up to it, but...

Well, it's obvious. Especially this episode. We can't hide it anymore. I will say this. If I didn't do therapy once a week, I don't know how I would arrive to work. It's something that is very important to me and my mental health, just having a place to get things out somewhere where it's not someone in my life. It's just an unbiased, trained professional. If you're thinking about therapy, give BetterHelp a try. I know for me, I stumbled onto BetterHelp because there was a time in my life where I literally couldn't get

out of bed, but I needed to speak with someone. And I love that BetterHelp is convenient in that way where you can talk on a phone with a therapist. You can do video calls. And like you said, appointments are very easy to make. And it's very – they make it not awkward and easy to switch therapists if it's not a match initially. You guys, take a moment. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E That's betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. I heard this, this author who I think she's also a podcaster. Her name's Kate Kennedy.

And she, you know, had a baby like around this age, whatever. And she said, I was never domestic, but that didn't mean I wasn't maternal. And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm not domestic. Like I'm not going to fold. That's such a good insight. I know. Like I'm not going to fold clothes the right way. I'm not going to like get all the corners when I vacuum half-assed, but like I love my baby. I love taking care of her. But domestication I feel is like a programmed thing, right? And I think that with you, your maternal instincts are very strong. But I already saw that with Donut. Even when you had a dog,

like, you know, just the way you treat Donut, the way you're very responsible, like vet appointments and stuff. Like I never had to worry about you. Well, you know that I've been committing fraud at my vet. You have been committing, oh my gosh. Should we out ourselves? I have been posing as Kalilah Lee.

Okay, so listen to this. This is the equivalent of lying about your address to get your kid into a good school. I have been posing as Kalilah's, I think… Sixth pet. Because you can't… There's a certain vet in Silver Lake. That I wanted, but they weren't accepting new patients. But then I heard Kalilah was a patient there.

And so I'm posing as like her assistant when I go. Right. So I have four dogs on the list for this particular vet. And Esther's dog is my fifth dog. So she's under the Kalilah Lee account. Do you act like an assistant? Do you like write lines for yourself as if you were assisting her?

This is fascinating that you're doing that. Occasionally the emails get sent to me and I have to forward them to her like, hey, donut is due for her portatella. You guys have like an entire skit that you're doing back and forth. Like she's not, she's, you know, she's out there juggling it all,

but here I am. This is amazing. The good news is they switched management very recently, so I don't think they're going to give us any grief about it.

Oh, good. It could be, like, past management's problem. Right, right. So I think we've been grandfathered in, so we're good.

Okay, good. What exactly is great about, like, so great about the vet? Location-wise, convenient. It's just close to where i'm advertising for this vet oh no we won't name them because no no no i'm just like what would compel someone to do that there was one particular vet there that was such a rock star

that everyone wanted to have as their primary so that's where i put my kids and she wanted her kid there so this is why i know you guys don't see it this way, but I feel like it's, and I'm not suggesting that you say the vet name, but I'm saying like, obviously it's delightful place that you're going through this many, like, this is like, they make like 80s movies about this kind of stuff. It's hysterical that you're doing this. And I'll go in and then you'll put. Yeah, wearing disguises. And also, by the way, probably aside that like,

that's like the kind of stuff you have to do when you're a mom. You have to quickly think of a series of things to like make something work. Yeah, it's a lot like 80s movies. Just like quick ways to like jam in, you know, get things done when you're in wacky situations. But this is why Whitney Cummings' friendship is so valuable to me. She's so much information. Her access to veterinary care is endless. It's bizarre. It's downright

bizarre. Her veterinary hookups are, I mean, I've saved so many dogs and have sent so many people to her ex-boyfriend, the vet. Yeah. Yeah. He's incredible. Dr. Alex. Yeah. He is amazing. Yeah. And Whitney is actually who connected us on the mom's text. Yeah. She's like, she has so much information about everything. She's like a file fucking cabinet. I know. Like any question you ask, she's like, do you want this or the French version or something? Like she's always got like a million facts about pretty much. Yeah.

She's a researcher. Like she knows her shit. Yeah. It's, and I'm more like, like I'm a mess. I want somebody else to research for me. And I was the same way with being pregnant. Like people were like, what style? What vision?

I was like, I just wanted some like controlling lady to take my shoulders and be like, do it this way, that way. Like I just, I'm that way with everything. Somebody's like, use this shampoo. No, totally. Use somebody to push me in directions. Because I'm like, I don't, I'm not the professional here. Like that's what people were like, do you have a birth plan? And I'm like, no, like the doctor knows what to do better than me yeah wait and did you actually hide your whole

pregnancy yes why it was so dumb like I was like I don't know I thought like I treated it like I I got pregnant in like Catholic school and I was like 15 everybody's like yeah that's what you do this is a common phenomenon I've heard from people. And it's mostly like, I think people who went to Catholic school or were super religious, but they're like embarrassed to be pregnant because that means everyone knows that they had sex. Oh, I like that. Everybody knows I'm a goddess for. It's such a stupid thing to say because my husband slam rotted me. I keep saying slamrod this whole hour. No, I kind of like it. It's like, it is evidence that you've done something foul, and it's hilarious when you think about it.

He had a fireman over the other day. I came home from the road, and he told me that he had just gotten a divorce, and I was like, did you know that he just got divorced, that Zach's divorced? And he's like, nah, you never mentioned it. I'm like, you were with him for four hours?

Oh, this is a real frustration. They don't talk about anything. And when, this is my worst, my biggest pet peeve is when they come home with only half the gossip, not the whole story.

So they say something like, so-and-so got divorced. Why? How? And they have no follow-up information. I'm like, you didn't fucking ask? I've relayed to nothing less than that, by the way. Like I can't in any way place myself

inside of his body and be like, and not have a follow-up question when your friend says he got divorced. We knew the wife. I was trying to invite them to dinner. He's like, yeah, I don't know. And he always acts like there's no route to him knowing. He's like, it's anyone's guess. And I'm like, no, it's yours. Ask him knowing he's like yeah anyone's guess and i'm like no it's yours ask him you wild moron just ask him i can't relate at all but like my husband has no desire also for anybody to think anything about him which i'm so like envious of i love that that is a very positive quality like i'll take his phone whenever we would go out drinking together i would just take his phone and text like just the dumbest shit to the other

fireman at his firehouse and he would never it. He would just like put it back in his pocket. I'm like, this is crazy. At one point I was probably like wasted. I texted all the guys in his firehouse that I basically, I was coming on to them. I was just like, I think about you guys sometimes. And I also kind of did it like from his voice. Like my writing wasn't bad. I was like, I don't know. Sometimes it's kind kind of weird we're just hanging out together and I have different sorts of thoughts about you who knows whatever man I just care about you and you looked gorgeous the other day and then like I'm like I came on to everybody you're their boss they all think you're gay and that you want to be inside of them collectively you don't want to follow up on that and he never

told them never yes secure very secure I will say in that way like and and like when we were finally engaged we were out we were actually at the village underground one night watching a show anyway the guy was like hey I know you're you know you and Pete got engaged and I wanted to talk to you about something and it was that he believes that he's gay and I was like oh no that was me okay so no you're good you're good have you guys ever been in a situation like this I and tell me like what you would do what's the right or wrong thing I have friends who I'm friends with it's a couple I'm friends with both of them, right? Like couple friends, guy and girl, they hang with me and Dave, whatever. They break up. And she breaks up with him and he is struggling, right? Like he's having a hard time with the breakup. So I'm like, look, I don't want to say I'm like the keeper of all the hot girls. I don't want to say I'm a madame, whatever.

You can say that. I do know. That's't want to say I'm a madame, whatever. You can say that. I do know. That's a dream for me to be a madame. I know a lot. I didn't know this term. I loved that. I know a lot of, you know, cool, hot, young ladies. So I'm like, oh, let me, like, he's a good catch.

Like, let me set him up with some of my friends. So I set this guy up with, like, a few of my friends. How close are you with an ex with the girl I would say I'm like the same level of closeness with both members of this couple okay because you're already playing with fire oh really okay so that's okay so I'd okay so I was like this is completely innocent right like he's down in his dumps whatever from being broken up so i'm like let me set up i set up the dates go whatever doesn't they don't actually he doesn't like land it with any of them but they go on dates a few months go by what happens they get back together now i'm the fucking villain in the story but i never wanted like never considered that that would be something bad to do i'm like she was done with him he was sad i thought

i was doing a great thing you're looking at it through very objective lens but people in their relationship are very emotional about it so i think that like i don't think that you came at it like, I don't think you were wrong, except that if you did this, like you're friends with Bobby the same way you're friends with me, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I hope you like me more. Well, we're closer. We're closer. And you're more of a human. Right, right, right. You're more of a human is the best. But you've known him longer. Yes. You have more history. Yeah, but, yeah, but. Yeah, yeah but I hope to god you like me more yeah obviously um but if you were to set him up with someone that would absolutely crush me I and it's not because I want to get back with him I understand that a thousand but it's because

Esther like we're like we're we're friends like this was a painful thing. I understand she did a breaking up. Yeah. So you thought, oh, it's fine. But I think that it's just you cannot insert yourself in the matchmaking game amongst friends. Yeah, because it just gets a – you will – no matter if you – How did you – how could you tell like that it would be bad right away? Like did you ever do that? No, because I think no I've

never done it but I've been in that position of being the girl of being like wait what's your business here now you're setting my ex up like it's too close to home okay this is interesting because I had never thought about that but it so if I and I'm this is completely hypothetical I wouldn't this has not crossed my mind at all, but you're saying like literally what if today I would set up Bobby with someone, would you be upset? Yeah. Wow. That's good to know.

And that's two years out. I would be too. A hundred percent. And I think you would be. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes. And if you set me up with someone.

He would be mad. He would be mad. And he was mad when you set me up with someone. What the f***? Are you serious? Right. I mean, it didn't work out, right? We went on a couple of dates or whatever.

I was in trouble for that? I love how you're fighting and everybody's mad at you. And so was your third grade teacher. Get out of here. But I'm also coming from a place of just, I mean, it's emotional, right? And also, like, I'm still a jealous person. Me too. place of just I mean it's emotional right and also like I'm still a jealous person if this if Esther holds this girl in high regard then I'm like you know pitting myself against her it's just

like a lot of like maybe young girl feelings coming up oh my god I would probably not I mean in if I were to put my big girl hat on I would be like yeah it's fine that's normal people meet through friends but I would low-key have that resentment towards you. That's okay. This is good to know. But I, he really was, I was in trouble for that. Yeah. What? Because I think he was mad that it was someone of like caliber. Like it was like, oh, this person Esther is setting Kalilah up with is like decent and successful and kind and like a good man. What I'm fascinated by is that you wouldn't care about this. Like, I don't know, maybe, maybe it's just because I'm also, I'm not saying I wouldn't care if this happened to me.

Oh, I am by no means saying that I'm sure I would be upset, but I But for some reason, I am still surprised. Also, also, his mistake is even telling her that you set him up. You did it. You did it. You told Bobby that I set you up. No, no, no, no, no. You made that mistake. Bobby found out because we were still living together. I know.

It's like fascinating. We were living together and he was going out on dates and i was going out on dates yeah remember towards the tail end yeah yeah i do and and he was like who is this guy i was like no none of your business none of your business and he was like i gotta know like is he safe is he gonna like right now i was like no it's someone esther knows esther that's how it came out that makes sense yeah absolutely because he didn By the way, it wasn't because he was worried about your safety. Yeah. He was like, oh, let me make sure you're physically safe.

No, he just didn't want somebody else inside you. Esther, honestly, that's like something a dude would do. What? Like you just have a big rational brain, I feel like. So you're like, oh, this makes sense. And then not that you didn't think about the emotional thing. I really didn't. But also maybe that's just because I'm not as secure, right? So you're like, oh, this makes sense. And then not that you didn't think about the emotional thing. I really didn't.

But also maybe that's just because I'm not as secure, right? Like I'm coming from a place of like young girl emotions. Like I. Me too, definitely. Yeah. I also like I look back at all my exes and I'd like them to have some sort of wistful longing for me. Yeah. By the way, they all seem pretty relaxed across the board.

A very toxic question. If given the opportunity and you said, hey, let's hook up tonight, how many of your exes would say, okay, yeah, I'm down? Hmm.

What a crazy question. That's a toxic question. But literally in my head, I'm like, oh. I will. Don't drink through my mind. Okay, one of my exes, I shouldn't talk about any of this,

but whatever, he's not going to probably see this, but one of my exes blocked me and I hadn't even reached out to him. Oh, he would absolutely fuck you then. Yeah. I was like, why would you block me? I didn't even try to talk to him. That's the wistful guy. Really? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay. That makes me

feel better. I feel it. Because I just wanted the rights to be able to, like in some weird, dark, like some haunting hour, just going rifling through his life. Yeah, of course. I wanted to visit his life, but I was like, wait, I can can't visit it if you have an ex who's blocked you you're on the right show okay let's just leave it at that I was so upset and I came to my girlfriend's house just expecting for her to just be like like cook for me and tend to me and she like laughed at my face she was like she was like I feel like that's the ultimate validation. When an ex blocks you,

it's like he has to restrict himself from seeing you because he can't trust himself not to keep track of you. Okay. That makes me feel better. Yeah. Or it's just because you wouldn't stop texting him and he had to block your number. Either of those. It's one of those for sure. I've definitely dated some very crazy guys. So, and they always, I do not see it. And I zoom past every red flag because first of all, I put men on a pedestal if they have like a nice apartment and a good job, like, especially cause I'm kind of like a mess, like, and I'm not domestic, like you were saying. So like, I'll assign so much more to a guy that just like has a nine to five job or something

like that. You know, I'm like, oh, he's going to let me this, you know, like this vile pig. That sounds more harmful than I mean it. I mean, vile pig in a lighthearted way. But I'm like, I'm like, you know, I'm kind of like a mess. Like I go into a room and I spray things everywhere. So I'm like, oh, if some like real, you know, man's man kind of guy likes me, I will zoom past every other red flag with him. And like, even with Pete, like when we were, when we were, I always sort of assume there's going to be a natural point. It's not even out of like a self-hatred as much as I just assume that I'm not this kind of guy's bag. But I always assume at a certain point that the guy would be like, oh, well, it's a wrap here. You know, like I told Pete, I was like at a certain

point in our relationship, I was like, oh, you're like a Catholic guy from like deep Brooklyn. Like you're supposed to like marry some nurse or something. I kind of just gave him the option to like drive me out to a field and like, like, like, like some animal he failed to domesticate, you know, like put you out to pasture. Yeah, yes, exactly. Yeah. So I kind of always, so when a guy like that, like it checks off certain boxes, I sort of zoomed past other things. And one guy was like, he had, he had like spyware on my phone. Like, like, like full on would ask me, I'd come home and he'd be like, what were you doing at? Like, I was, so I was working on this pilot and I like went to the showrunner's house because the studio, I can't remember, like it wasn't open that day, but it was like me and a few writers,

like hanging out his house. Uh, wasn't attracted to the guy. There was no vibe between us. And he was just like, why are we, but I didn't tell him because he was jealous. And I came home and he was just like sitting near a lamp like with like I was like, oh, Christ. Yeah. That's like the most ominous looking sight. A man just with a single lamp. And he had whiskey too. It was like an old noir film or something. He just had whiskey and a lamp and he's like, well, well, well. Like, I was just like greasy and writing at some guy's house, but he was always piecing together. And it, which is also like, I wouldn't be good at cheating. I've never cheated and I wouldn't be good at it either.

Like, this seems like murdering somebody. I couldn't like murder any blood ever. Like, they'd immediately find me. They'd follow the blood trail back, allitered receipts everywhere, you know? And he's always like, well, it seems a little strange that you were in this neighborhood. And the other reason I figured out he was spying on me is because I was on the phone with my friend actually talking about this one particular guy friend I had and how I wasn't attracted to him.

And I was like, you know, I said, it's like satisfying to like, you know, to talk to him about everything. But I was like, I feel like we've passed that point. But I look forward to seeing him. I was like, I get excited to see him. But I'm just not like, I'm not like aroused by him. And he, in a fight, screamed at me. He's like, and I know that although you don't find it particularly arousing, that you like look forward to seeing this man.

And I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. How would you know that? It was like the specific cocktail of things I'd said about this guy. And I'm like, and he goes, oh, it gets around. I'm like, no, that's not a good story. Slightly attracted, but not real. I'm like, no, there's no, no one's repeating that. He would take my laptop and start running with it. And then we would run around the apartment. Also, by the way, like, why was I doing this with him? I don't know and like he would go running about something he saw in my history and then he would start making these loud noises he'd

be like like these Howard Dean sounds and I'd like chase him around like chase him and my laptop around like begging for my laptop back it was an insane relationship and then I remember one time we were gonna go on this trip and I had packed a bikini because I was going to some fucking dive club in like Des Moines beforehand. And I was like, oh, I'll, I'll, maybe I'll go to the pool there. And it was a bikini that he'd given me. And he was like, you were going to bring a bikini that I gave you to Des Moines. And he always started it like it was the most disgusting story. He's like, so you were going to go to La Quinta and sit by a pool feeling kind of sad. So I'm like, yeah, that tracks, yes.

But it was always just the craziest things. And then I would just like beg him for it to stop. And then, yeah, but we were together for like three years. I mean, I've definitely been out with, stayed in some insane situations. One guy pretended that he was a war veteran. And he was the construction worker. He was so hot.

He was like a wild alcoholic, just like bright red eyes, you know? But he looked like Paul Newman. Like he was just my type. A natural tan from the liver cirrhosis? Yes, yes! Yeah. I love that like partially yellow sheen they get when they've just been, their liver has

been pickled for years. I did not know about that. Oh yeah. You get the alcoholic's tan. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. And he had, he had an organization, like a system at a bar. Here's how you could really spot like a tried and true working class alcoholic is if there's

sections with their money. Like there's on the bar, there was like a cash, like in the change, like that's when you know you're going to be drinking for like seven hours. If you have like control issues around your bar piles, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. It'd be like, he always was like, had everything kind of, yeah, very sorted. And then he would just at a certain point at night, start glaring at somebody. And I'm like, and it'd be the most random person. I'd be like drinking with him at like a port authority bar. And he'd just be like looking at some like old divorcee like I don't know and I'm like come on you can't have beef with like Virginia some 70 year old at a bar in Midtown

there was always a point at night I was so proud of him you know I was like I got this guy he's like he was really hot and he would scream outside my window when he was mad when like I was mad at him and like like this kind of Marlon Brando vibe like he'd be like yelling in the rain which by the way to everybody else is probably pretty a quick red flag but I thought it was like hot it was like he's always sorry. Marlon Brando was very hot. Yeah. Are you kidding? Yeah I like those old timey movie stars yeah. Wait how old were you when you were dating this? I was really young when I was dating him I was like 24 but I moved in with him after he pretended to like be like fresh from a war that he had like a fake leg injury. He was like faked a limp. And I moved in after he told me that. And he told me

like, that's okay. You know, I, I had, I stayed with a guy for four and a half years and he had lied about, um, traveling to of all places, Sri Lanka and lying about being an ex-lifeguard. And I stayed with him for like four more years. I've been with a lot of liars too. And it's weird because my family never, nobody lied like too much or anything. Like, I don't know what it is about that I've been with these wild liars. It's so weird the lies that they do pick though. It's almost as if like you cannot cross reference with someone because even saying you've been to Sri Lanka because I think he oh she Kalilah she grew up in the Philippines she's traveled around Asia like I have to have something that is similar or that can

like match her international kind of vibe so he was like yeah like I I got I went to Sri Lanka I was like oh what airport and I started started asking him questions and he couldn't answer. And it turned into this whole thing of like, wait, you've never been to Sri Lanka. He's like, I did. I just had to fly back the next day because I had food poisoning. I was like, no one goes to Sri Lanka and doesn't write out food poisoning. That's a hilarious lie. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck?

He flew back because of food poisoning. But it was the weirdest lie. But I ended up staying with him also. He was a really great guy. He just told weird lies. But he wasn't bad in a relationship or bad towards you? He wasn't bad in a relationship at all. And how did you start catching that he was lying? Asking basic questions because I had like genuine interest about Sri Lanka.

You were just an innocent girl who wanted to go to Sri Lanka one day. I'm like, oh my God, someone who can take me around Sri Lanka. You were just an innocent girl who wanted to go to Sri Lanka one day. I'm like, oh my god, someone who can take me around Sri Lanka. He sounds like an insecure man that just wanted to relate to you. I did that when I was in a high school. I would make up all kinds of stories that I thought men would find

very intriguing. We were all pick-me girls. I mean, I probably had six different accents when I was in high school. I had because I was an immigrant and I had very strong consonants. Like my Filipino accent was really thick. So I would then embody different types of, I would have the valley girl. I would have the chola. I would have everything down. So yeah, you do take on different identities when you're very young and insecure. I didn't know there were pick-me-boys.

That's very interesting. He was like everything I found out was just like, yeah. But the war veteran. Yeah, the war veteran is pretty rough. Where did he say he got deployed and got injured? Also, that's a guy that's going to murder you. He would have made a suit out of my skin if I stayed much longer. Wait, where did he say he got deployed and how did he say he sustained the injury? The first night that we met him, he was kind of like dusty.

Probably from being just like. He was dusty? Was it 9-11? Probably from like drinking for like six hours straight and just roaming around on the street. He was losing blood. Exactly. It was just the blood going to his head. And then my friend like found him outside.

She's like, oh, I found this guy. Like, again, not good. You don't, you shouldn't find someone. That means they're like homeless or something. So she brought him into this comedy club and he was just, we like started drinking with him. And then he said he was back from a war again at that time. Worked for me.

I want somebody that I could like, you know, save, fix, et cetera. I was like, solid. I used to call like some 1-800 number for like AA again and again. I'd be like, no, you don't understand, fix, et cetera. I was like, solid. I used to call like some 1-800 number for like AA again and again. I'd be like, no, you don't understand. He's an alcoholic. Like you have to fix it. Like, we don't, it's not, it doesn't. And I was like, no, no, no. He drank like, wait till you hear this. It's not the whiskey after all. I was just like begging him. I was like, please just stop stop drinking I was offering all these different ludicrous trades again keep in mind I was 24 25 but I'd be like he loved this game that

was about war it was like one of those fake war games where he could pretend that he was like a veteran it's called aces high and it had like rudder pedals and stuff and I was like I'll get you new rudder pedals if you just stop drinking with my nanny money. I was like begging him. He would come home from his construction job and just like chain smoke Marlboros. Like he was a wild asshole, but I found him so attractive. And he would get on this like aces high game. And by the way, he would talk about the game as if he'd been to real battles. He'd be like, you didn't really support me in the battle i'm like you weren't in bad it's not real he'd be like that was a crazy battle the other night like and he would go on the road with me and meet up with other people

from this game aces high and then they would together like share like war stories of how they like invaded some village like this is a game but i just kept staying and like being like if you do this and then one day it sort of just clicked I was like this guy won't be stopping why he's lying or drinking why do you think you were willing to stay and put up with that is it almost just like as women like we get in with a guy and it's like too complicated to get out so we'll just put up with anything like or do you think there's I'm almost like maybe I'm projecting this is it like oh we want a baby one day so whatever man is will deal with us we'll just deal with anything like what is it I mean this is like always my question to you

because you've never dumped a guy I know you've never left a relationship I'm a stayer too I just stay that's the biggest thing too I'm not too confrontational. I stay. And also it's entertaining. Like it's very, the whole thing was hilarious. There's a part of me that just finds it all so funny. I think on some deeper level, I did love him, but I think it was also like exciting. Like I'm ADD that every night with him was a shit show, but it was always funny. This is how I am with friends. Like I will go through, I will be dragged through mud with a friend if they are fun. Exactly. If they are fun.

That's something big that you bring something big to the table. Yes. I'm kind of exiting that phase of my life now finally. Yeah. I have no choice. I have to. I've always magnetized to really like destructive, chaotic, shiny, fun things. And I find that it's like a huge cost to my mental health you'll

deteriorate with it like he used to like we would we had to take this little bus to get back to his place and it would it was like this little jitney bus and he lived in like Jersey um or this place called West New York which is over this bridge near Port Authority and every night we'd have to wait after drinking for that bus and sometimes he I couldn't like get him on the bus. He would just start getting suspicious, not of a person, of the bus. I'm like, you can't have beef with like. No, I mean, he was ridiculous. He'd just be like, I don't know.

And I'm like, no, the bus does not have beef with you. No, and I just sort of shove him on that. But yeah, it's too exhausting. And like, I feel like my husband now is definitely very much. Yeah, he's much more like easy. On this note, though, like, you know, the idea or there've been several like TikToks about this theory about how like women can grow to love a man or grow to have feelings or the attraction can grow versus men cannot. Is that true? How is that true though? Men have to

either be attracted to you like right away and it's not something that's going to grow over time. Like if they're not attracted to you like upfront, six months down the road, they're not all of a sudden going to be like, you know what? Rachel's the one. That's so interesting. I never knew that at all. But for us, it happens all the time, right? Yeah. I just don't see it a bunch, right? It's almost as if maybe there's an element of like, ah, fuck it. She's right there and she's available and I know she likes me versus us. Like I could have zero, like you couldn't, like you wouldn't, I wouldn't clock you in my brain one day. Me too. And then four months later, I'm like madly in love with you.

I don't know if I understand that though. Really? You've never had someone grow on you? I think it's – don't you just look at a person and you know it? No. I agree with you, Kalilah. It takes – I've been on dates where I've hated them and been like, let me get out of here.

And then 30 minutes in, I'm like, actually, like the swagger, the personality, the sense of humor, the way he walks around. Swagger? Or overtime? If a guy doesn't need something from me, he becomes more attractive. I think also maybe because of our jobs.

People always need to have some moment with you that you can't necessarily give them. So if I'm on a date where I don't feel pressured like that, like I might at first not find him attractive, but that's very appealing quality, obviously, because my husband's like that, but not registering my needs. It's cheaters on not being problematic, but I mean like a guy that's not like, you know, like what you were saying, like tracking you and like analyzing and yeah, something that can become, a guy can get more attracted to a guy that I see like, oh, he's not going to like hit me up for anything. So it gives me the space to kind of become more attracted to him.

I think this theory sort of reduces it to men being shallow basically. Basically being like if there isn't a physical attraction, that that physical attraction can never grow. I support that though. Or if they're wasted, then they would want to fuck somebody they wouldn't fuck, but that's obvious, I guess. I support being, I think it's okay to be shallow. Patty Stanger would agree.

Who also says you should bring a man a full cake on your second date. Have you heard of anything more psychotic? And just, I baked something for you, like date two? Like that's some raw shit. This is very anti-Jewish matchmaker though. The way she sees things is the way I see things, which she's like, date him until you hate them. She's like, if you 30% liked him on the first date, keep dating him. Well, I do think that that feeling of excitement is not a good feeling most of the time. Correct. You need to grow with somebody.

Yes, that's exactly it. That's not something you have to immediately listen to. But I have to say, I think that I support being shallow. Really? Because you can't, you don't help who you're attracted to. And I think it's perfectly fine for a man or a woman to be like,

I'm not attracted to that person. I'm not going to grow attracted to them. Like, what's the problem? No, that I agree with, but I don't think that you should force something. But I'm just saying like, I think what you're saying is like, it I agree with, but I don't think that you should force something. But I'm just saying like, I think what you're saying is like, it could grow naturally.

Like I went out with this guy, I remember on a date in like three minutes. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. Like he was just, his legs were like swinging like a child. And he had the dumbest legs. Like that's not, never turns around. If you just like look at one feature

and you're like. I feel like dumb legs is an ick that you can't come back from. His legs were foolish. They looked like an impression of legs or something it was unacceptable and he just talked about his ex-wife the moment the day started oh lord raw fury at some broad named diane which is a hilarious ex-wife name he's like fucking diane like that's a guy like that was it it was a wrap also the next day he wanted, like, feedback from me. I'm like, no, you don't, nothing.

It's over. You talked about Diane and you had absurd legs. He wanted feedback? Yeah. The feedback thing, I think, is crazy. That, like, he was like, just asking, honestly. And I'm like, I mean, what do you mean to tell you? I don't want feedback.

Like, obviously, if you don't call me after one date, it's because you weren't attracted to me. There's no other story that you're going to detective out of someone. Feedback should cost money. Like you need to pay me if you want feedback because that's like time and energy and effort. I also think it's okay, perfectly acceptable to ghost someone after a first date. Absolutely polite, I would say. I don't even know. Have you ever gotten information about why somebody wasn't into you? And I'm like, it's very jarring. I don't want that. Just blow me off. Yeah.

I don't want your analysis. Yeah, no. No one needs that. That's so weird. Yeah. I would just rather pretend that you died. Yeah, or his phone's broken and he lost my number. Yeah, I'd like to just believe some story my friend tells me that they're just scared

of strong women or something. It's nonsense. You just can't handle it's totally not that they got a whiff of my breath and it wasn't a match it's not a thing it's clearly a him issue yeah you don't need no one needs to know that at all no for sure not yeah perfectly acceptable if a first date's not going well forget Forget their date's fine. No follow-ups are needed. Yeah. And also like that is an ick though.

Like to have to explain to a man why we're not going on a second date. It's like the fact that I have to explain this to you is why we're not going on a second date. And again, any guy that wants to do an extra lap of processing, so unattractive. Do you think it's the same in female friendships? Like if you're just like, it's not a match anymore. Like, do you owe that person an explanation? I don't, I kind of don't think so. I have a friend that I used to know a long time ago that keeps like, just like hassling me about why I won't make more of an effort. And I feel like,

no, like if you also, if you're doing that that's annoying, too, because especially if you're busy in our lives and like I'm hurling myself all over like that kind of ended it. The fact that she kept wanting stories about why I wasn't as available. I feel like if you're connected to somebody, it's there. And you pick up right where you left off with no explanation. With no explanation. Those are my favorite friendships. And also those are the ones that sort of stand a test of time. Like I never have to explain to my best friend who I've been best friends with since I was 15, like why we haven't spoken in two weeks. It's like, no, life happens.

We both know that. Like we're chill. But when we do talk, we'll talk for three hours when it's time to catch up. Yeah. Any friend that's like mad at me, I used to, I've always been attracted to like, you know, earlier on just like men and women that were like mad at me about something. But I'm like, if you're, if you need any extra, beat it at a certain point. Yeah. Look at me talking like an old lady again. What am I hitting? But, but yeah, I think that that's definitely anybody that's that any man that like the next

day wants to talk about, like, it's one thing about it's like when you first met, what was it like? But that guy that's just like, you know, after one date, like, I felt, one guy told me he was going to kiss me and I was just immediately disgusted. Like, he told me it was going to happen soon. I'm like, no.

Why is that so bad? Isn't that awful? That is terrible. He asked permission. You don't need consent to kiss. I'm sure somebody will trash me for saying that. I'm okay with it. I do think it's kind of cute. It depends how they say it. I know, I had it be cute when they consent to kiss. I'm sure somebody will trash me for saying that. I'm okay. You feel it out. Come on. I do think it's kind of cute.

It depends how they say it. I know. I've had it be cute when they ask to kiss you. Me too. I've definitely had it, especially when, again, they're big and thick and manly and they're asking such a sweet question like that. Then it's like, ooh, yeah, of course. But if he's telling me it's happening soon, that's...

It has to be within seconds of him kissing you. He can't be like like we were we were dry he was driving me home and he's like oh yeah i've been thinking that when i drop you off i might i can't i'm giving him a voice he didn't happen but he she said it it should have been said in this voice like that he's like oh when i pull up i was thinking that i'd like to kiss you and that might be i'm like oh god you, God. You don't, you don't, no. Because that's not even consent or permission. Yes.

He's just giving you his, you know, how he planned, his set plans. Almost. I'm really looking forward to that. Right.

Like, he feels like he's got it too in the bag. Whereas, like, asking is like. I'm fine with asking. Yeah.

Asking's cute. Asking has been cute. Asking isn't bad. I guess it's more just the foreshadowing like it's like the next fucking chapter of a novel you're right the asking could be hot but he's not like later on in the evening i might have an impulse oh disgusting that is so right basically like yeah can i but it's gotta happen then you can't tell me about it any guy that's planning it like is that a date book you can't make a reservation yeah I you mentioning this I

have a fight like ready in the I I want to fight my partner on this already if I were to ask him the first time we kiss I bet you he couldn't remember and that is already like angering me to no end I love this I love this side of you. Is this unhealthy? You should definitely call him. I want to know what's going to happen. Can he blame the apnea or not? Is that not an excuse? The apnea? How would the apnea come into play? Because it gets, apparently when your brain is not oxygenated for a long time, your memories can. You have a little bit of like dementia there. Yeah, it's pretty sad actually. What if he remembers the sex? Is there a difference between first kiss and sex? Okay. Yes, because our first kiss was very specific at a very specific time,

and the buildup was intense because there was a whole month of a buildup. So if he doesn't fucking remember that— I love that you're pre-angry. We have no idea. I'm pre-angry. He doesn't know what's coming for him after. We have no idea that he doesn't remember it either. You're sure that he's— Don't you think he probably does?

He won't, and this is going to be a fight. It makes you feel better. There's not thank you do you think does dave remember now i'm questioning if i remember i'm like i don't know maybe it's mom brain which i is that real i don't know but i think i first of all i think i made the move which i like that track that's cute yeah it does track yeah i'm definitely i i bet he would actually you can make the move, which I like. That tracks. That's cute. Yeah, it does track. Yeah, I'm definitely, I bet he would actually. You can make the move? That's so, that's so cool. Wait, really?

I feel, I would be nervous to make the move. I think that's cool that you can and that you can just, yeah. Oh, I'm with you on this. I have definitely, it's 50-50 for me. You've done that too? Yeah. And like, what do you do? Like, I wouldn't even know what to do.

I'm like, I just always wait for things to happen to me, me which is not good because I'm actually not good when I'm waiting anticipating something like the anticipation almost makes me so nervous that I have to just like right I would almost end up being a bad kisser if I was the one if I had no control some control of this well that I can't say because as I've said on this podcast before Dave has confirmed I was a bad kisser our first kiss was yes it was how long after did he tell you that not that long he I told you what he said he's like he was like you just seemed really excited oh my god come on but I also like I like being a bad kisser like I think it think it's cool. Wait, why? Because I just, that's how I learned to kiss. Like, I started kissing in middle school, and it's very juvenile.

It's very, like, you know, I don't know. I think it's hot. Yeah, yeah. I don't want, like, these small, like, sensual, like, calculated kissing. Like, I want it to just be, like. Frenzy. Like, hardcore kissing. Yeah.

Don't take this the wrong way. Okay. just be like frenzy like hardcore kissing yeah don't take this the wrong way okay but i've always been convinced you kiss exactly like bobby like the way you the way you describe your kissing and the way i know him to kiss i'm like oh they went to the same kissing school wait why because the, it's too excited and the fucking tongue going wild. Is that how you? Yes, he was too excited and his like tongue was going wild. I was like, oh, I wouldn't describe it as,

oh, he was really excited. But then you're right. Like I was fine with it. You were? I was fine with it. Of course, I liked him so much. Yeah. Yeah, you don't really care if you like the guy.

I don't care. My husband will like, he'll be like bad in bed one day and think it's funny. He'll be like, I'm like, come on, you didn't do anything for me. Like that was hilarious. Right. That wasn't good. And then like try to high five me after I'm like, no. Yeah. Like he doesn't care. I'll tell it. Like I'll tell him anyway. I feel like I'm terrible in bed. Nobody's ever been able to tell me that lie. No one has been able to like maintain eye contact with me and say that I'm the best they've ever had. They respect me too much to lie to my face like that. I used to care so much that I was the best at sex. And I'm so relieved that you can come to a place in an age where like

literally doesn't fucking matter. I don't care if he says like I am a dead, I don't care. Like I don't care. This is like where I, my delusions like take care of me because I'm like, I don't even think about that. I'm like,

I just tell myself like I'm the best no matter what and I don't even want to fact check it. Like I just live in that mindset. But that's a great mindset to live in. That is, that's a good mindset. Yeah, why not? Well, Rachel, like thank you so

much for finally coming being on our show it's so fun to hang out with you and talk to you i could do it like all day long um and i'm so excited that literally today your special is out big guy on netflix may 21st everyone go watch it um and yeah are, where else can people find you? Are you going on tour? Yes, I'm on tour. You can go to my website or follow me on Instagram, Rachel Feinstein underscore. So I haven't named my tour yet. If you guys have any suggestions, DM me. I've been on the big guy tour now, but I'll start one. I'll start a new one now. I have to say like when I was in New York for a few months doing stand-up the best nights were when I'd be at the comedy club and you would just you would show up and watching her on stage it is like there's no one like her you are so funny and it's just like so intuitive the way

you are on stage like I just have never seen that you You're so good. Like, I want to watch, like, if you have shows this weekend, I think I'm going to come because you're so funny. I'm trying to make myself internalize this. I'm going to run this in my brain. But you must know this. No, of course not. Who, what comic knows these things? No, like, whenever I'm in LA, I'm like, I'm like, first of all, I always feel kind of crazy because I'm always like zooming in the wrong direction. You know, like, people'm in LA, I'm like, I'm like, first of all, I always feel kind of crazy because I'm always like zooming in the wrong direction. You know, like people notice my mistakes here too. Like I'll be like, you know, like I feel like people, I just always feel a little strange here because I'm from New York, you know. So like, I'll be, I feel like people will be like, hey, that's a parking garage.

And I'm like, you have like track marks. Why are you noticing I'm going, I'm always making some obvious mistake. And somebody's like, what are you trying, they're trying to unpack it with me. So I, I always feel a little strange here. So I'm always like, oh, they, they know my standup here. Like, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's the loveliest thing. Of course. Like you could say, yeah, you know. No, you are just so seamless on stage. Like, it's just so, I'm like, oh, that is someone where it just feels like it's intuitive for you to just, like, be a good stand-up comedian. But I know, like, it's just because you've been doing it for so long.

Like, that's what I have to tell myself because otherwise I would just quit. It is. It's absolutely that. You're such a pro. It's just because I've been on the road for a haunting amount of time. Yeah, I've had, like, things thrown at me. I've had, like, a soft taco thrown at my tit. That's why I'm a good stand-up.

That's why. Yeah, because if you can finish a show after a dumb taco falls off your tittage, then yeah, then you're like slightly more comfortable there. But I don't, but I don't, I definitely watch myself and I watched myself when I was editing the special and just like, yeah, I want to close myself like a box. Yeah, I'm just like for the love of God. I love that that just never goes away. Yeah. It's hard to watch yourself no matter what, right? Yeah. That's true. I actually asked him if

I could call the special because I kept calling myself a pig when we were editing it and then we can stop now. But I was like, you pig. I just kept yelling at myself. I didn't know this editor that well. And I was like, oh, look at little piggy. He's got to make another point or whatever. I called myself a pig so many times when I was editing it that I called the producer, Dan Powell, and asked him if I could call this special America's Favorite Pig. No.

No one would understand the special. Exactly. He was like, no, you can't. But also catchy. Catchy, right? Catchy. I think that would be a good name for a TV show. Like next week on America's Favorite Pig,

it's just me, like, my snout and some sort of messy business. All right. This is very much over now. Oh my God, Rachel. We love you. Thank you for being here. And you guys, we will see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye.