Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - The Legend, Lisa Lampanelli & The Epic Save

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

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clips not just the clips in my hair guys we have a clips channel watch our clips we have a clips channel we have a clips channel you can see us youips. We have a Clips channel. We have a Clips channel. You can see us. You can watch our entire show. No, but you know what you really should do is like if you have a friend and you're like, I wish they listened to Trash Tuesday so we could talk about it. Send them the clip. Get them in with the clip. They're going to love it.

And by the way, the Clips channel is great. You want to keep watching the full thing, but you want to go back. You want to remember what were the highlights. Like our channel. Subscribe to our channel and share with your friends so that they can also get sucked into the trash tuesday world that is your home join the dumpster hi slugs today's episode is so good i can't wait for you to listen to all the mean things annie says to me and to lisa lampanelli um you guys come see me on the road i'm really excited these shows are coming up so soon i'm coming to portland New York City, and San Francisco. And the shows are selling out. Get your tickets now. And if you

love this outfit, sleepoverbyester.com. I can't take it off my body. I was mean to Esther and to the Queen of Mean. They call me the Princess of Mean. I will be on the road again I love it I never want to leave I will be at comedy works in Denver October 14th through 16th I'll be in San Antonio Texas at laugh out loud comedy club October 22nd through 23rd Houston Texas at skank fest it's sold out um house of comedy in Plano Texas November 11th through 14th and I'll be doing the irvine improv december 2nd and a lot more austin texas december 9th through 11th check it all out on annieletterman.com slash shows and you can get my merch there too do not buy my merch on any other website except mine I give them my full name, my screen name, everything to follow me on and I work the system.

You're AIM. Yeah, but you want to know what's weird though? I give everyone my real name, which is not Lampanelli. Yeah. And the only people who know I'm Lisa Lampanelli are nurses giving me like colonoscopies. I only get recognized as a celebrity from some humiliating medical procedure that I have to have. Oh, you're iron deficient. Are you the comedian? I think it's your fault for losing weight. I do. I'm so pretty. You had a physical transformation.

They remember. It is pretty funny how that literally stopped me from getting recognized. And I loved getting recognized. I was such an attention whore yeah and so when i first did celebrity apprentice i was recognized everywhere because it was a network show and then after that i lost all the weight and changed my hair and it's like no more i forgot here bitch deal with non-fame that's joy crazy that you did celebrity apprentice we have a we're one degree away from trumpy i'm so curious what your perspective like what what what is he hot? No. Oh, it's horrifying. Horrifying. Disgusting. Really? What's the hard? First of all, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done ego. Is that what it was? No. He was never even really involved. It was just the amount of work you had to do on those tasks. And I was

like passionate because I wanted to show comics are smart. So it was all the guys on it were smart, by the way. It was Carolla, Penn Jillette, like two geniuses. George Takei, who's smart. Like all these really smart guys. The women were as useful as a tampon at Betty White's house. They were fucking ridiculous. So I'm sitting there trying to carry the ball for the women. And I'm working so hard.

And I'm not kidding. 20 hours a day. What? Who? Six days a week. ball for the women. And I'm working so hard. And I'm not kidding. 20 hours a day. What? Who? Six days a week. Who are the women there with you? Oy vey. All right.

You got this Debbie Gibson, who was fine. Yeah. But she sang all the time. No one wants to hear that. Oh, it's so fucking annoying. Nobody wants that. Terrible. Then there was this one who was Miss Venezuela.

Okay. Now, I don't need this Miss Universe energy in the room. It makes me angry because I'm fat at the time. I am very jealous. Very beautiful woman. I can't have it. I know. You guys are lucky I'm so evolved now that I can be in the room with two hotties.

And I'm not talking about these guys. Definitely not. With this outfit, I don't know what vibes you're giving off. I know. It's almost. This is a very gender bendery. It is. And you know, I wish. I've always wished i was a lesbian because i used to get hit on after shows

by the hottest chicks really and i was always with a guy you know i've been married twice i like boys not anymore really because dead from the waist down officially no one you're not borrowing tampons from betty white No, let me share. I tell you what, man. It's a very weird thing, this whole apprentice. I'm so glad it's behind me. I stayed on until the final four. You did? I was on every episode.

Yeah, I did watch it. Were you on the same season as Aubrey O'Day? Yes, me and her were the team. Oh, my God! And she, here's how dumb, can I just say? She's talking about idiot women and you're like actually aubrey was the smarter she and i were the smart ones let me tell you about aubrey this is how she really knew how the game worked i didn't i came on this is me oh my god it sounds

like so much fun it's fucking terrible anyway she knows how to game she knows how to team with people she's a little she's a hot little scammer. Yeah. She was in a band. Making the band. Making the band. So she's on and she kept being convinced. She goes, Lisa, me and you are going to be in the top two. We're going to fight it out in the finale. And this is how, I'm just smarter than, in the ways of

the world, possibly. So I just said, dude, we are not famous enough to win. We're going to make it to the final four because we're the smartest women. But dude, we don't have a hope of winning. All we can do is align ourselves with the two most famous people who were Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken, which we did. I mean, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard that those were the most famous people.

Hello. I will say something, Lisa. I do believe you manifested that. I do believe when you gave yourself the self-limiting belief that you guys couldn't go all the way up. Yes. Because the reason Audrey O'Day is so good at this. Aubrey O'Day. Aubrey. I don't know her i don't i'm sorry i know she was the most talented dancer

i've ever seen in my life on making the band on one well on the three band yeah but she's delusional and that's how she's made it through reality shows you are someone who works on merit and tries to be the best you can be yes she knows you just fake that shit the way that you dress for the sexuality you want. Well, actually, and you know, she actually, the thing about her was, it's come out in public so I don't have to keep the secret anymore, but that she was effing Don Jr. Yes. And what I love is that she came right out with it,

but she was like so in love with him. It was super, super sad. And I was just like, that's not going to work out either. Sad. So I was right about a few things. Wow. Yeah. No, you were right. You watched it all go down. It down it was insane but how long so they were together this whole time oh no no I think they were just for about three months four oh and that came out afterwards well

she came out when Trump was running for president I think that's my girl yeah which was pretty cool but Trump was like literally never even involved with the show like he would show up to give you the task then he would come up to give you the task. Then he would come and judge you. Oh, right. And by the way, I've told this story, but you guys are going to love it because probably not on air I've ever told it. Okay.

Every time he would have a boardroom, he would always compliment all the women in the room. I mean, one at a time. Right. So every week. And of course, at the time, I wasn't the great beauty you see before you. I was a battle axe with like 250 pounds, you know, bad hair extensions, the whole nine. I wasn't his type yet. Hey, watch yourself, bitch.

Well, no, no, no, girl. You're working it. There's only one bad hair extension in this room. I'm really doing fine. Baby. So I'm in the room and I figure he's never going to compliment me. So he's always saying stuff like, Teresa, you look beautiful today. He literally said, Aubrey, you get more attractive with every week.

Then one week, I swear to God, out of nowhere, he's like, Lisa. And I'm like, oh my God, it's my turn. And he goes, Lisa, doesn't Teresa look beautiful? And I'm like, I am in the room the room like throw me a bone but did you get treated more like a man yes which i got more respect you know i love that shit yeah look at i was always like a guy in comedy yeah that's why i think i was always very lucky i came up before there was a ton of women comics it was like joan rivers rosanne and then I kind of came on this scene where there was no one else. Yeah, probably.

And I was just like, you know what? I kind of entered at the right time, was a dude on stage. I had this standard of every six seconds, a punchline. Like, I don't tell stories. I mean, now I do, but I wouldn't tell long stories.

So I think it was, you know, I got pretty lucky. But yeah, it was always the guy energy. I think you're very talented and amazing. Oh my God, I was so done. So you don't have to say that all the time. Come on. Wait, I can't believe, so you witnessed the-

So how did you get successful then? You're like, luck isn't the thing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, Esther's only a girl on stage. That's the only place. Well, this is where- Only place you're going to see this bitch in a skirt is on stage. It's so true. Well, that's what's so funny this is where this bitch in a skirt is on stage so true

well that's what's so funny about like the whole thing of how i even came you came on my radar was obviously crazy ex-girlfriend so i am so not familiar with any comics like i literally felt like when i started comedy i had never watched stand-up before just the roasts and things like that in the dean martin days before you guys born. So what happened was then I stopped comedy. I retire and there's all these girls doing comedy, but it feels like watching homework. You know what I mean? I felt like, oh God, oh no, no, no. It's not entertainment for you. It's like you're taking notes and shit. So I see you on this crazy ex-girlfriend. I'm like, this is terrific. Oh boy, do I love this show? Cause I I'm obsessed with it. So I've just first penis I saw is my literal favorite song of all time. I did a ballroom dance to it anyway. Oh, my God. Very badly. So I just out of nowhere look you up. And you're a comedian. I said, Holy, we're all surprised yeah and i was like oh my god but i so and i'm not one to ever ask for

things i have very big problem asking for help i do everything myself but i was like i just have to tell her she's so fucking funny and i love her on that show and then you were so nice to say oh my god i'm a fan whether you're lying or not that's fine i couldn't believe that you had messaged me i was like is this like a scam i was shocked too honestly i was like i thought i was a little more up her alley to be honest i was like i think i'm getting catfished like but obviously like i just because i'm just we're like we're all such fans of yours like you're a well you want to know something no i i'm a clearly a big talker i mean i'm an overshar. So I apologize. We are good. Okay, give me a break. I literally throughout my whole career, it's 30 years and now three years retired. I have no

perspective on if anyone knows who I am. So I will basically DM people just kind of if I love their work, like I've been watching, of course, obsessed with hacks, watched it twice already read the pilot three times. And it was just like, Paul Downs probably doesn't know me or give a fuck and never heard of me probably i'm just gonna tell him i love the show and it made me cry oh my god i'm a big fan of yours i have i've always said to my manager i have no perspective like who am i as famous as i go am i more famous than nick dipalo and she's like oh yeah i go am i less famous than jeff ross she's like no and i I'm like, I don't know where I, like, I never know also with millennials, because I'm kind of the world's oldest millennial because I'm woke AF. Yeah.

I feel like who the fuck would even like me? Like, I have such horrible self-esteem. So now I'm working on that. And the fact that you answered me back, I was like, yes, girl, we're friends. You know what's going to happen to you is you're going to flatter your way back into comedy. Please don't make me. You know, all people want happen to you is you're going to flatter your way back into comedy. Please don't make me. All people want is a little flattering

and they will do anything you want. What's weird about comedy is like, I was asked, I think Nikki Glaser asked me last week on her podcast, like, oh my God, like, do you miss it? I'm like, oh, which part? The part about the no sleep, the travel endlessly,

the no real connections with people or animals or nature. No, i don't miss a thing it's like you get to retire it's the coolest thing but you guys are doing great you're in it i want to be i want to die on stage like that guy tomorrow what kind of died on stage oh you mean like you literally had a heart attack on stage everyone's laughing you're right that was at a roast at the friars club in the 40s or 50s and georgie just somebody he just literally died on stage. There's three people I know that happened to him.

By the way, some guys went up and did more roast jokes about the dead body, which I think that's a true comedian. Yeah, absolutely. So, yes. Do you think some of your feelings of looking at the comedy as a hard thing and something you don't want to do anymore,

just not aligned with your piece, has to do with the fact that you were aligned with the roasts and it was kind of a more negative no because everybody was so positive about you know i was sort of almost grandfathered into you're allowed to do comedy like you want right in that camp well there was no cancel culture before i retired like it didn't exist yet that wasn't happening was that on purpose no no i mean i had the plan for five years like the story is like when my father got really sick i noticed that not doing comedy i was much more joyful like even just taking care of him so i was like you're like wiping my dad's ass was more fun than

performing like not even just the performing though i like the performing part because it was cute but just the lifestyle was not yeah so it was just noticing my life and how much i didn't like it yeah and then i was like i'm out of here after i saved enough money because i do not i don't do things lightly i made a real plan i made sure i could live right made sure i didn't have to work so i said okay this is good it's a it's literally how it's supposed to be yeah yeah and now esther which part do you relate with yeah yeah i'm sorry realizing you hate comedy like oh no no no pattern though you do that's my pattern but i'm like that lifestyle of like even when i first started like staying out till 2 a.m at open mics and stuff i was just like how is this the career that i'm like going into because i love to like be in bed at nine like it

just i don't drink like it just it is there are things about the stand-up comedians lifestyle that are hella inconvenient if you're like a baby responsible as responsibly uh don't timed yeah I don't want to call her responsibly an adult well I remember years ago there was a comic who only he was uh kosher and I will those the Hasidics do they who they turn off the lights yes he literally had a career as a comedian but he could only perform like till sundown on a friday so you couldn't make it work that's true i think so you do shows at 2 p.m you actually can because doug benson does that he does it at 4 20 he used his potheadness to make his

shows easier for him because really really, the truth is, I would assume is he's burnt out. He smokes a lot of weed. He's tired and he's older. He probably doesn't want to like be up late. But you can use like your like brand is that you're lazy. So that's funny. Is that really my brand that I'm lazy? Wow. I did not know that. Is it not? Sleep over? Everything's sleeping? I like, yes, I like to lay down lay down yeah you do enjoy a baggy sweatsuit you like so much you do love that so addicted which is so funny because you little skinny girls who are so adorable you just have the baggiest clothes and it's just a shame you gotta let them i just got come on air that beaver wait you know that reminds me it is airing i got

to you get bv by too much tight clothes there was a there is a comedian that i don't want to say his name in case this is this is like an inappropriate joke but he had this joke that's that was girls in the uh girls in the midwest when they take their clothes off their bodies look so much better but girls on the coast when they take their clothes off their bodies look worse because it's like and it's it's actually true like when i lived in illinois and i didn't know how to dress like i dressed like shit so i like had things cutting in places that didn't need to cut in yeah so then if i took my clothes off you'd be like oh why were you doing that but now like if i'm like doing an event like i can flatter myself and then it would look worse without clothes it's so bad

like i hate that you know it's just you know with the weight struggle and the issues on them yeah but dude i'm like constantly working on it it makes me so mad that i am 60 years old and i still don't have my food shit under control i get the weight loss surgery lose the weight okay gained a little weight in COVID, literally seven pounds. And I want, I mean, I don't want to kill myself. It's like a shame spiral. Dude. And it's like, just like yourself the way you are.

That's such an easy sentence. But I just am like, oh, suppose it gets worse. Suppose it spirals. I gain all that weight back. Well, basically my stomach's so fucking small, I can't get anything down. So what am I worried about? But it's literally going. I've become the sort of spokesman for this bariatric surgery.

What surgery did you get? The sleeve where they just basically make your stomach really small. And it stays that way. Yep. Well, some people stretch it out. Some people stretch it out with eating too much. And I just, I haven't done that. Can I ask a question?

Do you think, because I always think of like weight loss surgery that it's like an amazing thing. It's like incredible saving people's lives. However, it's kind of like did you read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? No.

Where they kind of talked about because it's just about people that are going cross country. It's a lot of philosophy and stuff but people that drive cross country on their motorcycles and one guy's wife flew out to meet them

and it's just such a difference when you like when you go through the country and you're seeing yourself get to a place rather than kind of getting there abruptly it's like your whole identity is still around being a overweight person and then all of a sudden you wake up and it's like this thing has changed but it's like then you have to work on well you i have said on every show i do if you don't work on that emotional stuff first don don't bother getting it. Yeah. So basically, I've been getting therapy since I was like 25.

And I'm like, oh, my God, I got to work on why. The why is important. The how isn't. The how is. And also, it is a real adrenaline hit. When you lose 90 pounds in nine months, it feels really great that you're going down like a size a week. But then it's like, oh, you got to

stay there. And then what do you do with the feelings? Because I always ate emotionally. I've never drank. I've never smoked pot. I've never like I just don't have a taste for anything. And I'm like, oh, my God, what do you do? Oh, you have to feel them. Yeah. So you go to shopping. Yeah. Because at the time, it seems harmless enough because you're rich and because you're going down in sizes. So I have to. Right. And then it's like, oh, now what do you do?

So basically the last three years since comedy. Oh, and also you medicate with achievement. Right. Which never fills the hole. I mean, I don't care how many radio cities or roasts or specials you do. Nothing fills the hole. And I'm like, fuck. This is amazing.

This is great. Please keep going because I'm like, where's, I'm, I this is amazing this is great please keep going because i'm like where's i'm i'm there is no solution kill yourself esther you're all messed up yeah what helps you better help legitimately what helps you better help yeah thank god you guys better help is not a crisis line and it's not self-help. It is professional counseling done securely online where you can send a message to your counselor anytime and get timely and thoughtful responses. Plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions all without ever having to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. And this service is available for clients worldwide. And they have licensed professional counselors who are

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It's the only quiz I've taken in the past 20 years and I loved it. That's stitchfix.com slash Tuesday to try Stitch Fix Freestyle. Stitchfix.com slash Tuesday. No, you know what it is? I am literally, okay, so I'm talking to a life coach last week and I'm saying to her, you know, because I've been working on this so much. I go, dude, I go and I was in a moment of despair which we all go through and I'm smart enough to just cry it out I'm like you know what you can't stuff

the feelings you have nothing you gotta go through it you have to go through it yep so I'm crying and I go I just don't know I have nothing that fills the hole and I'm just and she goes oh my god that's I'm so sorry you feel that way and out of nowhere I don't even want to cry but like my two little rescue dogs start barking like crazy, run to the door. I think somebody's out there. No one is. And she goes, I think you just heard a couple things that they made their voices known. They fill the hole partially. I'm like, you know what, you're right. So I found that like the little hobbies I have in retirement, like the podcast I'm doing or the writing sessions with these two comics that I help my two dogs

my friends my family I'm like it's starting to kind of fill up one corner of that hole but damn you gotta really cobble together a life that connects with people nature something right but it's also like being grateful for the things that you have like noticing that you did have all those things around you and especially when you have this huge hole of this. I mean, even if you're connecting or not connecting on stage, it's a huge, like it's a lot of people, it's a lot of things. And then to go to like a quiet space, that's got to, your brain's got to start really going. Well, the fact is they say that, you know, I had said I had obviously retired publicly on Stern because I was like, that's where people are going to pay attention and take me seriously and leave me alone. And Dr. Drew had heard it and he asked me to come on

his show. And I said to him, I don't even think I was ever a comedian. And he's like, what do you mean? I said, I think I just wanted to connect. And I didn't know how other than that. And he goes, I bet there's so many comics that that applies to. And I'm like, I was just trying to find people to connect to. And why not lock a bunch of people in a room and make them listen so wow well i really relate to what you're saying about like having to like build a fulfilling life around you and like that includes all these different like levels of things because last year i i really had like this mental breakdown where i was like oh my god i like achieve my goals and, I don't feel any different and I'm not fixed and my problems haven't gone away. And I ended up starting, I take Lexapro because like that has, that's been a game changer for my anxiety. But

that's also why, like I started my clothing line because I don't even really make money off of it. But it's like, when I'm so stressed out about other things, I just go to that and it's a hobby. Like I never had a hobby before. Me too. I never. Dude, you want to know the word hobby. Okay. This is ridiculous.

Okay. When you're a comic and you're that motivated. And of course I was just like all in. It's like all I could think about. Yes. I didn't even read the paper. Like I just fucking did comedy. Like that's what.

Live it, breathe it. That's your life. What's next? It's so stupid to have every hobby. That's stupid well so you retire and you're like i don't knit i don't do what looks like a hobby so what easter of last year of this year i'm bemoaning the fact that i don't have hobbies and my niece like out of nowhere just goes you have hobbies i'm like no I don't I've got basically nothing and she's like um okay so you meet with your friends and write you're developing this you're doing this podcast you're you have the dogs you have this and she names like 10 other things I'm like oh my god I do

have hobbies but they just don't look like anybody's so you think especially my age like oh it's so different and weird, but I have to accept that this is what kind of brings me a little joy and peace. What is the definition of a hobby? Can you look that up? Because I'm wondering, like, because I've been trying to look at, like, comedy as my hobby and money as, like, an energy exchange that has nothing to do with it. Right.

So I just only do jokes I like. I only do clubs I like. I only, like, I just choose what I want to do. I don't, like, if I have to cancel a show because of something else I try not to cancel but you know like I just like put my what whatever I want first what is it an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure and like I've been thinking a lot about like work I thought about this some girl dm'd me and I just had a second and I wrote her back it also means a small horse or a pony oh maybe i can get a hobby horse oh she's my hobby i ride her

um but so some girl dm'd you some girl dm'd me and asked me she was like because i had said in some podcast she's like someone had said you had said something about someone had told me one of my professors said something about when you half-ass something even if you have to half-ass something do it anyway yes and what she was referring to was I had a teacher who a professor had told me even if you're late just show up to class but then I would show up with like five minutes left like I really worked that rule but I I what she said kind of like triggered this thought in my head where I was like you know it's really her perception what half-ass is and I do this too and it's like I'll get paralyzed not get work done not do the things that I that will lead me to my goals because

I'm worried about doing it perfect doing it at like the you know like at this level I've never even seen anyone work out it doesn't even exist I've never worked there so then I'm like holding myself to this yeah perfect thing and instead just look at it like half ass is the full ass and then just happily do a little bit of whatever i need to do well because half-ass to you because i can already tell because the same is me half-ass i always said half my effort is worth two other people's full effort so we're just badasses i'm so fucking johnny lawrence from cobra cry i'm like that's how I fucking, I'm all in all the time. And what I, that was how comedy was. Now what I do is I'm like, okay, the end product, if you said to me right now, because this

came up at lunch just now, somebody goes, what do you want? I go, and literally I didn't even have to think. It just fell out and I was shocked. I just go, peace. I'm like, holy shit. So if I look at everything in my book, which by the way, I love the fact that it's almost empty. I'm so the opposite of Joan Rivers.

I worked my way out of that where I look at it and I go, oh my God, does this bring me peace? Yeah, it's like more your Mori Kondo or however you say it, your life. Like, yeah, you do her. No, I don't believe in her because I don't think she'd get rid of everything. I follow the minimalist rule, which I just did their podcast yesterday. It's spectacular. And it's this thing about if you want your life to be better, you don't add to it, you subtract from it. So basically, subtracting the wrong husband, the wrong career comedy for

me at that time, you know, subtracting the wrong friends. That's why the pandemic was a little bit good for me in the way of that. Oh, didn't it help that? It decluttered friendships. Yes. So I go, wow, every time I've tried to add more, it doesn't work. But subtracting works. And then the right stuff appears. Well, because then also you just have the things that you love around you, you know, so it's like you're just only seeing things that motivate you and make you feel good yeah and have the people around that i notice now in my life nobody needs me more than i need them because i was always the one who helped and fixed and paid for everything and was like well i make the most in the room so i have to pay for the dinner

that's like not making them feel any better it's enabling them to not make money and yeah it's not good so i was trying to help them but really what they needed to do was heal themselves so helping and healing is two different things. That's their job. But even now I'm like, wow, this is really good. But it keeps me in check now. I'll let it go. I'll make mistakes.

And then I'll go pull it back. Pull it back. Ask what you need for help. Don't help too much because that's their journey. Right. So it's all in it. I love where I'm at now. But it has to get better. It just has to keep getting better. I can't let myself Right. So it's all in it. I love where I'm at now, but it has to get better.

Like it just has to keep getting better. I can't let myself slide. And it's work. It sounds like, okay, that's what I, I always thought like race to be finished with something

and then you'll have peace. Like I never, I thought like do this, do this, do this, and then everything will be good. But it's actually like the journey,

the work, like there is no like finish line where you rest everything in your life takes work and that's like a part of the good life or whatever like that realization is was has been very hard for me but if you only do the things that you like right if you only like choose things that are like aligned with what you really really like then it's like not it doesn't work i have a friend who my friend hannah fidel wrote all these movies she's got like a deal with fx she had a show called a teacher on fx she's like so she's always writing something and i

asked her once i was like how do you write like how do you sit down and write she's like i love it i was like oh oh, yikes. I've said I'm not going to be seen in a city until I'm good. Then that's probably why it took off because I was never looked at as an open mic or in New York or LA. So I remember being in Connecticut and we would all go to the diner after the open mic and like trade jokes and have fun with it. And I'm like, oh my God, when I look at my life now, I'm like, oh my God, I just recreated the one part of comedy that I loved, which was sitting around writing jokes, having fun with these guys.

And that's what you do on your podcast. Well, no, we actually go really deep. What we do is I help them with their comedy. But what we do on the podcast is I notice these two guys, it's the podcast called Losers with a Dream. And what happened was I noticed they're straight guys who are millennial age, but they're not bro-y. They like literally are masculine, but talk about such deep shit that I was like, this is a podcast guys. And of course I shoehorn my way on. So I'm like, oh my God, this is the thing. You have to put vulnerability with humor into straight guy spaces. So they start doing it. And I am telling you, I'm not even kidding. Like I have to smile

right now. Every time we do a podcast, I'm so happy. It's so much fun. I make them go deep. The issues are really hard to talk about. It's like acceptance, vulnerability, fear of success, alcoholism, like dying. We did a fucking dying podcast because one of their moms died when he was six. And the other ones had many friends die through alcoholism and things. And I'm like, why am I comics? Right, right. Exactly. And then I go on and of course I make

fun of them a little bit because I have to, that's my brand and I enjoy doing that and they love me. And then I like kind of coach them. I'm like, dude, how am I going home smiling at six years old having millennial guys in my life who are actually vulnerable. It's just a miracle. They're cute. Yeah, definitely. Not for me, not for me. Right now, it just feels so weird that every time I drive home, now, honestly, this is what intentional living, as you know, you're saying. You look in your book, every time you drive home, you go, god why am i smiling with comedy i god bless it i love the stage not much anymore but boy going to the hotel going to the fucking airport i would notice every thursday i would start to get really bummed because i'd have to pack and i'd be like oh my god so you

just start noticing this life is not for me anymore but it worked out how it should yeah and how did you find these two guys oh my god this was random as f which shows why i sometimes have to say yes to things because i'm a big you know how they say improverts are great because they're yes ands i've been a no but since the day i was born yeah i will if you ask me today let's go mountain climbing i'd be like get the fuck out of here like I don't even have a mild reaction where I go oh no thank you I go you're a fucking asshole because I hate everything I just say yes and then get mad at them for asking I'm like why the fuck did you put me in this position that seems appropriate yeah so what happened was my niece Emily my sister's daughter she said to me she works at Indeed and she said to me one day she

goes you know I have a friend at Indeed and he's trying to try comedy. He's doing a show. Can you come and give him notes? And of course, I'm loaded for bear because I'm like, I know this guy's going to suck. Like, I mean, so I do anything my nieces and nephews ask. I'm a big pussy. I like to caretake.

So we go to dinner and I say to him at dinner, I said, Bo, listen, man, guaranteed you're going to suck. Guaranteed I won't have anything nice to say, but I'm just telling you in advance. I tell it like it is. He said, no problem. I see him do the comedy. This is like two years ago. I'm like, oh, he doesn't suck.

He's a beginner. But I always, an ex-boyfriend of mine once said, every open mic-er has one joke worth stealing. And this guy had a few. So then I say, oh, let's have a writing meeting you're actually pretty good then he introduces me to this guy nick nick scopoletti and that's when i noticed they're both funny and vulnerable which to me i don't know if you guys date and stuff but like fucking guys in their 30s when i was growing up they didn't talk deep shit that's why you

gotta date guys in their 20s yeah i think so i'm going back to the teens they are better i'm not to the teens but i mean they're like yeah no they were raised better for some reason they had some feelings and i've noticed this in my nephews too which i love that they literally we my mom passed away a few months ago and yeah thank you and i noticed they actually teared up and cried and talked about their feelings and wanted to plant trees for grandma and stuff. I'm like, holy shit. They've, this generation,

I call myself the world's oldest millennial because I do not relate to 60-year-old bitches. Everyone in my age group is worried about their taxes. Fuck you. How about Black Lives Matter? How about putting people to work how about fucking not being a douchebag who worries about your house but how about putting the tax guys to work i agree they're helping them they are helping some i'm wrong no but isn't it interesting to

not identify with your age group yeah and i don't try to make myself look younger i don't have facial surgery i don't like it for me no you're killing it you look amazing it's better you are so like i i do feel like you're a peer of mine like i just feel like we we could sit and talk forever like i feel like we have so much in common and she said she mastered comedy oh that's true actually i shouldn't say that but so the podcast is called losers with a dream i. I love that name. I'll tell you what that's from. What was really, as you know, I did all the roasts and things on Comedy Central. So what happened was I remember when I were sitting around trying to figure out, because as you know, a title for a podcast book special is the hardest thing.

Oh, we have our own drama. Oh, I'm sure. We have episodes dedicated. Yes. So you understand. It's hard. So we're sitting around and I'm like, wow, what's this about? Like, you guys suck at almost everything. I'm sure. We have episodes dedicated. Yes. So you understand. It's hard. So we're sitting around and I'm like, wow, what's this about? Like, you guys suck at almost everything.

I'm terrific. I said, so what is this? And then I remembered at the roast, I don't know if you ever noticed, but I would hit the whole day as first. I'd make fun of everybody on there. And then I'd go, but enough about these losers with a dream. Let's talk about Pam Anderson. So I'd like wrap it up or enough about these wastes of skin. Let's talk about Pam Anderson. So I like wrap it up or enough about

these wastes of skin. Let's talk about so I said you can have this. It's a line from mine, but it really does describe and I have to admit even me too, because we're all kind of losers because we're trying to make it work. We're trying to figure out life and I'm in despair just as much as they are at my age. And I'm like, but we do have this dream and theirs is to become famous, to get married, to have children, which I love that men talk about that. But mine is definitely that I'm trying to have a peaceful life and it's fucking hard. Like when you remove so much shit,

you got to sit with the empty and that's the hard part. Wow, that is so cool. I love that name so much. I like, who doesn't relate to that? It's so, I like i like who doesn't relate to that it's so right um i'm curious like your opinion because what is your opinion of like comedy today or if you like or just cancel culture and like stuff even though i you know some people say there's no such thing whatever like what do you think of all the things that you see happening because i've been very public about

saying if i've hurt anyone's feelings like they literally just have to ask me and I will apologize because I don't think there's any badge of honor in dying on your sword of like, no, I'm a comic. I could say anything and you have to fucking get my intention. I totally agree. In the old days, intention used to be OK for Rickles, for me, for Jeff Ross. The audience was so multiracial because we had that love for the people we were making fun of and multisexuality, sexuality, whatever. Now it's not like that anymore. So my feeling is, I don't know if this is a random number, but if you've tweeted something in the last seven to 10 years when you should know better that you shouldn't say the N word,

or you shouldn't like say gay jokes or whatever you could apologize it'd be nice of you yes you shouldn't be canceled and your apologies should be sincere yeah but i hate when comics are like no man it's my feckin art form okay good die asshole and then you have to come back in the next life and you be that guy it seems like such a defense mechanism to be like that like do you really need to do that type of comedy more you know it's like did you not like it's like do you have to what is the gain here you're hurting isn't like i like to make people happy i really enjoy it i love doing stand-up because i love the i do like connecting and i like the exchange of energy and stuff but it's like i i mean i i

definitely used to feel more like fear of being canceled i think when you have fear of being canceled you almost like create that for yourself and it's like being a victim of some like thing that it's just people on the internet you know well i agree and i think what's funny is like i didn't notice i didn't know what cancel culture was and um then i quit comedy and then a couple years later it happens and i'm like oh i just don't think i would be able to look in a mirror if i did some of the same type of jokes yeah which is fine because i'm my only judge like i whatever anybody else says that's fine i've i'm probably canceled i don't care the fact is do i want to die on that sword no i want to be like the kind of guy well i'll

tell you a story one of my last few shows i hadn't announced the retirement yet um i'm doing jokes and just and you know i hit everybody in the audience so there's an old guy i'm doing all my old guy jokes about he is dying laughing and i always loved seeing people over 70 at the show because i'm like oh my god because i'm going to be 70. I might actually kill you. You might actually die. That would make me headlines, by the way. I could have been so much more famous. I'm obsessed with cereal. We had to stop eating it because it's full of sugar and junk and bullshit.

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And everybody laughed, but I saw the guy's face just change a little. And you know, when you're doing insult comedy, you got to be fucking aware. And you realized he really was special needs and you went, oh no. No, I wish. That would have been a way better story. No, but I noticed a shift and I just, you know, you kind of shut down. And you know, at that time I was working on myself so much. And I just go, sir sir are you okay and he goes

oh no it's fine it's fine i go i go listen i like you i want to meet you because i really wanted to talk to him about it because i sensed i hurt his feelings so i said come back with your wife and he tells me backstage that he i mean this is before it was popular to adopt you know special needs kids anything he's like you know it's just a few years ago or when we were really young, we adopted some special needs because then that kind of hit me the wrong way. And I, of course, I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And he starts crying and I start crying and we hug. Now that's connecting.

So I got no problem apologizing to an individual because, first of all, he was a gentleman. He didn't yell out. He didn't storm out. And he didn't be a little bitch. Yeah. He was just honest with you. The ones who fucking yell at you, you don't get an apology. I know.

And also, you don't apologize to a group. If it's an individual, yes. But if on behalf of all gay people, a straight guy wants an apology, they can suck my hairy clam. Now, OK. Believe me, it's an apology they can suck my hairy clam now okay believe me it's hairy because i'm 60 so listen i'm 38 and on the same page but um i i watch survivor do you watch the show survivor no but i heard tell about it okay i love i love the show survivor and this season jeff probes the host oh there's there's um there's a like a butch lesbian on it young lesbian girl who's she's probably like 22 maybe she's i can't she does something really she's a very incredible

either job or she's studying to do something like very impressive and then like really smart girl and then um there's a man who is married to a trans woman who just had a baby. So like a trans man. I'm sorry, a trans man who just had a baby. So he's married to a trans... A woman. A woman at this point. Right. But now looks like a man. Right.

Now has had the surgery, but gave birth to a kid. So, but he, I guess now, I don't know if that makes him gay or straight. I don't really understand what it is, but not my problem. Not part of the story. So Jeff probes the first when he says, Come on, guys, welcome in. And then he says to everyone, he goes, Oh, wait, you know what? Every single season of this show, I've said, Hey, guys, and now I want to ask, is it okay to refer to you all as guys? Now I want to die when I hear that because I'm like, let's not waste time on our packaging. A little far. Yeah, we've got have we not risen okay but you know whatever he's asking and uh the lesbian girl speaks up and she goes i actually am really fine with it i i actually like being

called a guy like i think it's it's fine i don't take it as like a gender thing as much as just a kind of group thing then the next episode or the end of the episode, they're meeting up again a couple of days later. And the man who's married to the trans man says, you know, I was thinking about it and I think I was too tired to do my part. I want to say that it's not OK. But he's not trans. So it's like he's speaking for. That's a great point. But he's in the world of trans. So I understand him.

But it's kind of like the girl. And I mean, I guess, I don't know if Jeff was, was asking her specifically, but she was the one that kind of stood up and it's more her experience with the gender. Right. I get that. So it was kind of like, all right, dude. So now you're bringing it back up. And now Jeff's like, all right, I'll never say guys again.

But what I always resented, I'm sure you'll identify with this is when I would get because back in the day, we didn't have Twitter or anything. It didn't exist. And they would write like, I'm so offended at this joke, that joke, this joke, the shouldn't shit on the black community, even though I had huge amounts of interracial couples, all that. And it would always be from a white person and honestly that's a way of keeping someone else down a way of keeping someone a victim a way of saying this group is too weak and needs me the white savior and i'm like no no no white savior's hair bitch so i'd never answer those i was just like delete so yeah it's it's interesting like who we feel

we have to i always say i do always say, I do make fun. I used to be a special ed teacher, and I worked at Easter Seals and stuff. And I try to make fun of everyone equally. And I think it's like including them. It's like obviously how you feel probably during the roast and stuff. It's like you want to include everyone if they're in wheelchairs or anything, make jokes. Because it's almost like the absence of that is saying like, oh, no, we have to treat you precious.

It's not like treating them equally. is saying like, oh, no, we have to treat you precious. Like, it's not like treating them equally. Well, dude, here's the deal. What is the biggest prejudice of all? Leaving someone out. Yeah. So if you know Lisa Lampanelli makes fun of everyone, you expect to be made fun of. Right. So I just think feeling pity for someone is the worst.

Yeah, no one wants that. No one wants to be pitied want empathy compassion no one wants pity so remember you know so all bets were always off with me i loved when deaf people would come because they always had deaf interpreters and it was fun to make them say cunt in sign language yeah so what was it like uh it's this i'll show you i was taught it by deaf people oh my god that's a little clit why did i molest it i know well that's a clit basically i'm triggered community well you know how that even occurred that i know this first of all let me tell you the handicapped story um this i remember doing new year's eve down in atlantic city and this gay guy was in the audience he told me he was gay when i was asking and he had half an arm so of course come

on i mean not gonna say he lost it up somebody's ass i mean come on it's it's low hanging fruit it would be rude to not say it right so everyone could always take a joke from me i found that the people who were uncomfortable were the ones who feel they have to care take others no i was saying it's always the best to have the best audience is a person with a disability that's had to deal with it this they're so over that they're above that sort of thing and the worst audience is the table next to them that's never met them 150 worst audience and they just don't get it those are the ones you get the notes from those are the ones you have to ignore but boy this uh it's just it's the kind of world in which you have to not be careful, but you have to

just go, you know what? I can look in the mirror at the end of the night. You know, I, I, this horrified me once. I've only been protested three times. Twice was by the Westboro Baptist Church because I had a gay following and that was fine because I fucking donated money for every asshole who showed up. It was great. But then I got protested by deaf people.

And it honestly did really hurt my feelings a lot. I show up at University of Rochester. I guess they didn't know I made fun of everybody. So they heard me on the radio, not the deaf, but somebody else. And they heard the deaf joke. Well, you really took some liberties probably because you didn't think they'd hear it. Some blind cock blocker with an extra grind told them so what upset me was i show up there and i'm like crying because i'm like i'm being protested by one group and they don't know i make fun of everybody so i invited all the protesters into the show and at the end they came up to me and apologized and they were like did their sorry look like this they know they literally said to me they go we're really sorry we saw through your show you make fun of everybody we overreacted and i said as your

punishment or no your payment to me you have to teach me the deaf symbol for cunt and that's how i learned it so i think it's once you sit down and talk to somebody yeah once you freaking hear their story like that's why i don't mind an apology and it's just you know nikki glazier was on bill mark a few weeks ago and she said she believes the same thing she'll apologize to an individual and he was like no no you shouldn't and this and that and he's allowed his opinion that's great but i think we are a little more open to doing that now and i don't think there's anything wrong with doing that right well it's whatever you want to it's like there's no like one telling us whether we can do it.

Bobby! Do you have something to apologize for? Oh, hey! Oh, my God! Bobby, would you like to say you're sorry for how you've treated me so badly? I know! You guys must have had beef at some point. No, we didn't. And you know what's funny about Bobby? Everything. That he's Asian?

I did not know I was going to your house and I was so happy i was like this is fancy oh my god yeah tell them more um i like your kitty laying white hair thank you no no no it's the it's the blue a smurf blew its load how are you i'm so good how are you you live here around new york no i'm in connecticut she lives i'm fancy back into my childhood home. You did? Yeah.

That's such a baller move to buy your family home. It was so cute. It's because it's very sweet. You look great. Thank you, man. Honestly. No, I appreciate it. Why?

You should take some fucking pointers from her. Yeah, she's got her life figured out. He looks cute. You Freaky Friday'd. Oh my God. You used to be the skinny boy. You know, it's so fucking funny, bitch. I came in here, right?

And I was like, I'm not going to attack any letter. I'm going to be the best person. Come through, I'm not going to attack Andy Letterman. I'm going to be the best person. Come through. I'm happy with who I am. Come at me. You can't hurt me. Me and Esther are tiptoeing out of the room. What are you going to get me on?

Go. I'm here. No, no. I can only make fun of assumptions I have of you, and I've never seen the thing. The thing? That's what they call her vagina. Oh, God. I call mine clothes for business it is so horrifying

do you know i have been celibate by choice and probably not by choice since i've been right i got married right after i got married i became celibate so i think it's been 12 years are you still married oh no no no you divorced the guy yeah but he's the great guy we're still friends i like him from gotham jimmy big Jimmy Big Balls. And what's so funny about being celibate, dude, you guys will see someday, maybe. I don't know if it's your part of your journey. There is nothing better than not fucking waking up to a UTI, not having some fucking jerk there. You don't have to wash their dick. You know, they have to wash their dick a little. No, no, no. You're supposed to piss before and after. I get these UTIs. I haven't had one in 12 years. You need a bed dick. You know, they have to wash their dick a little. No, no, no. You're supposed to piss before and after.

I get these UTIs. I haven't had one in 12 years. You need a bedpan. Well, you know what else I love not having is a pinched nerve in my neck because every Valentine's Day a pinched nerve in my neck

and a UTI. Get the fuck in. How do you get that from anal? What's weird? I wish I'd experiment with the anal when I had the chance. No, this is your time.

But you know, it's never too late. This is your time. Kind of. They kind of they sew it up by the way bobby i just got speaking of buttholes i did not mean to bring this up that's fine we're happy i recently had a colonoscopy because i turned 60 i'd had one at 50 they show you pictures now of your asshole dude mine is fucking awesome that's a huge deal it's mine's in blackface it's beautiful compared to who i don't know i thought i never saw another one but i think mine is very nice though like dude all the way the fuck does it look like um the magic school bus the magic school bus was inside the body it just literally looks like how you would imagine the most pristine asshole in the world looks like

because she didn't it's on it's on fucked with from the eating days, you didn't have hemorrhoids? No, I got one. Oh my God. After weight loss surgery, it's very hard to poop. And you have to be patient, but I'm not a patient person. So I'm sitting there trying to squeeze it out. I mean, no offense, but I was like grabbing the handicap bars and just pushing and pushing. So this thing pops out.

I've never had one before that. Yeah. It looked like a fucking Louisville slugger poking out of my ass. Yeah. It looked like a fucking speed bag at a boxing gym. And I'm like, this is, yeah. Esther's horny. Ew!

It was so gross. Esther's horny because she has actually a hemorrhoid that was lost her owner. I don't know how it disappeared either, Bob, because I didn't get it cut out. I don't know what happened to it. Sometimes they suck back in. I think that's what happened. I just came here to say hi. I don't know what it disappeared either, Bobby, because I didn't get it cut out. I don't know what happened to it. Sometimes they suck back in. I think that's what happened. I also just came here to say hi. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Yeah, this poor guy. We're talking about assholes. I like you in Georgia's spot. You have like a hat that looks like his hair. Yeah. Anyway, Lise, good to see you. Bobby, I am so, can I just be, I mean, we've been sincere this whole time.

We really have. But I'm so happy for your success, because I remember when we were doing comedy here. You sucked. always really good and i always thought you know jesus christ he needs more parts on tv he needs more of this you i say less and you know but you honestly every time i see someone who i thought was funny years ago on tv i just cry i'm so happy for them so dude you're fucking rocking that shit and i will give him this he was on tv when i was about someone who I thought was funny years ago on TV, I just cry. I'm so happy for them. So dude, you're fucking rocking that shit. And I will give him this.

He was on TV when I was about two years old. He was already on mad TV. You've been successful this whole time. You just never, you never discussing. You never, ever, ever.

It's close for business. And let me say something too. Bobby, Bobby, can I, can I, can I introduce one last thing you won't ever remember this

but do you remember the exact sketches sometimes that you did on Mad TV no oh see that's a problem because he did one about something about like sort of a Godzilla type creature coming in that was my vagina he was doing I know that sounds like it's Asian

misappropriation but you're so fucking funny. And I just wanted to come down here and say hello. Get some compliments. I didn't want to see these two. You know what I mean? But I want to see you. When I found out you were coming over, I was really excited because we're old friends.

Yeah. And please come around some more. I will, man. I would love to get you on mine. I heard it's terrific. My friends are, my buddies on the podcast, Nick and Bo, they're obsessed with your fucking podcast. Yeah, I'd love. So what are you talking about? Don't steal our views, bitch. George is, George will handle it. She's terrific. My friends are, my buddies on the podcast, Nick and Bo, they're obsessed with your fucking podcast. Yeah, I'd love,

so what are you talking about? Don't steal our views, bitch. George is, George will handle it. She's ours. Yeah, I'll get George on it. He's the real deal, man. And you don't look fat.

She's wrong. No, no, no, no. Look at him. I'm not fat! Oh my God! You don't see him naked. You don't see him naked all the time.

Do you see him naked? All the time. You want to see? See my okey. Eat your heart out. Oh don't see him naked all the time. Do you see him naked? All the time. You want to see? See my okey. Eat your heart out. Oh my God. Look at those nips. All right?

Oh, they are kind of cute. Don't you like pinching little nips? Anyway, I love you. He is so funny. Esther, there is, how does it feel to be the only two sane people in this room right now? I never thought I would be the calm one.

It feels scary. The sweet one. Esther does. Love you, Esther. two sane people in this room right now i never thought i would be the calm one it feels the i'm getting the signal for let's do a banana break what's that when you deep throw a banana no oh god our banana break represents like potassium yes do you know my mother would always say every week, oh my God, you guys would have laughed so hard. Every week she'd leave me her shopping list and I thank God I saved one on my messages. She's like, okay, so I want four table talk pies. They were these little tiny pies, no cherry, just blueberry, like yelling

and four bananas, not too ripe. I got it, ma. Every week, not too ripe. For 10 years, she said Not too ripe. I got it, ma. Every week, not too ripe. For 10 years, she said not too ripe. So this is for you, ma. Did you dye your hair blue to be closer to the blueberries she loved? Like, notice me, mama. You have a very good comedy mind.

I have to tell you, because that was very good. I like it when I can actually respect the people I'm on the podcast with. Because trust me, I phoned a few in. Nikki Glaser. No, I'm not Nikki. We love Nikki. We've got to get Nikki on this show. We've got to start some feuds.

Nikki, you're a bitch. Oh, my God. I dare you to come back at us. Oh, my God. We're trying to get our numbers up. She wouldn't. She would so cry. No, she wouldn't believe it.

Of course not. By the way, I always laugh. I just bumped into Rich Voss last week. He did this little club near where I live. And I was like, this Rich Voss, you know what he used to do? You know how he's so mean offstage? He would come up to me. And this is the beauty of Rich Voss.

He would come up the next day and go, hey, last night. You know I was kidding, right? So he'd always make sure you were OK. And you know what that shows? so he'd always like make sure you were okay how do you know what that shows that he's a little bitch and he's taking everything personally right dare you no you're right though you're right and i love that he's like but that's that is cute well because none of the other guys i had such a hard time with all the guys coming up and they were always really mean and i hated it and i was just like why can't you keep your comedy to the stage why be being off stage Like I'm such a fucking-

My aunt Esther would die if people weren't mean off stage. She feeds her. I know, I love being roasted, teased, made fun of. That's like my love language. Let's put it this way. I admire that quality. I will say that I have said publicly after retirement, I literally could not take a joke.

I had the thinnest skin, not on the roast. Those were fine, but off stage. And I was like, Lisa, you are an insult comic who could not take a joke. I had the thinnest skin, not on the roast. Those were fine, but offstage. And I was like, Lisa, you are an insult comic who couldn't take a joke. That's like being a pedophile who can't stand children's parties. Yeah. It's like, come on.

You can't take a child's dick. It's like, come on. There's nowhere for you in society. It's like being a porn star who's allergic to semen. A pedophile that doesn't like small dicks. Yeah. I mean, so I just go, it's interesting though, I really always had a thin skin when we

were just sitting around at the table, so I would just bring a book and read. Well, I'm curious. That is such a move, to bring a book and read. But I have problems with, when you go on the road. Oh, what book do you have? I'll just start reading. Oh my God. I'll read my book. What is it? Let me hypnotize you. You don't need this book.

Oh, I have that. I sold it you said i bought it just kidding she bought my second hand copy because i quit comedy she sold all her comedy books i have a question when you did the roasts because i have heard from other people who've done the roasts that like just i've not people that i know personally but i've heard like through the grapevine like some people have been like left really affected and in a bad way and i'm just curious if you ever had that experience, if it ever bothered you or was whatever. This is how I'm smart. I wanted to always appear like on camera as much as possible. Cause you know, I started comedy late. I was 30. Is that why you were fat? We're going to do the most on camera. I know really eat your way to the top so I'm sitting there and I always knew because there's

a teleprompter and you always saw your name being used but you didn't read the joke so I'm like okay get ready to look like it's funny even if it sucks so I would always sit up you know you sit at the edge of the chair and you just like oh my god so I would always get these emails like oh my god you take it as good as you give it so i always knew how that was the best sport in the world so i'm sitting there and somebody asked me you know do any jokes hurt your feelings and legitimately honestly it's roast so probably not the few times it hurt was when it was lazy so if a joke is like just a random fucking whore fat whatever insert woman insult type here i'd be like jeez i'm not even worth that like it really would be just like

yeah it's like come on man try be creative for me because and but if somebody writes a good joke about me i am so fucking happy like arty lang had the best joke about me i put it in my book i was like i don't even care i love this so much we doing Shatner. I think Shatner's roast. And Hardy was at his most fattest, poor thing with the gray skin. And he goes up and he goes, if I had a nickel for every time somebody said, hey, aren't you Lisa Lampadali? I loved it. So I said to myself, well, maybe I don't have thin skin. I just like people to make an effort. Yeah. So it just felt insulting if you just throw a fat joke or an old joke or an ugly joke your way.

100%. I totally agree. It's dumb. I didn't do that. Yeah. I literally would take two months to write a good roast because I had to usually go last

because they were all bitches and wouldn't follow me. It's better to go last. No, it's the worst because you have to overwrite. No, but I still think it is because you can kill. No, the best spot first

because you get it all out of the way. But your anger won't be there oh my anger was always there before i quit comedy i literally used to because my mother was a rageaholic and bless her heart my dad resolved that yeah i always went to anger and what's interesting is ever since i retired i've noticed the anger going away slowly and coming out of sadness which is what it actually is. So anytime I see somebody, yeah, I mean, I still yell, but not that percentage. But dude, like whenever I hear a story about somebody yelling in a drive through or whatever, I go,

what pain they must be in because I know it was all pain. Oh, yeah. No, you that's the best. I feel like that's such a good way, especially with like trolls and stuff. When I was decluttering and getting rid of two of my other places and just moved into my parents and my original house. This is Esther's dream, by the way. It's my dream. It's literally, she literally has a house

she wants to get rid of to move into her parents' house. Literally, like I go home whenever I can. I'm always in the parents' basement. I know I have, I want to live there one day as well. Well, yeah. And also, by the way,

you just realize you need very little. Like in life, you don't need much. Yes. So I found, of course, I have 8,000 boxes of my comedy career. And I go, you don't need much yes so i found of course i have 8 000 boxes of my comedy career and i go you don't need most of this so i went through and i had printed out every script 80 times you know while writing all the drafts so i found there was at least seven boxes of stuff that had nothing on the other side eight and a half by eleven so i'm like

okay just use these as printer paper. So the other week I was having a game night because I'm that chick. I fucking love game night. And I love it so much. And it's with all gays, and they're all under 30. It's fantastic. This is how you're never going to fuck. I know. Keep my vagina sterile.

I want you skiing with those boys in your podcast. You really don't want to. This is what I want for you. I'm projecting this onto you. Can you be a guest and do that for me? So I take the printer paper out and we're all like

keeping score on these things and my gay friend Bobby, who's half black, half white, looks at it and it's like, what? What does this mean? He goes, without the Arabs,

thank God for the Arabs, they keep the Jews away. He's like, oh, that's shit. He's like, oh my God. Oh, thank you thank you Muslim for letting me speak without your permission what is this do you remember and he goes oh my god this is hilarious so literally it's always a crap shoot what part of my career is going to come out of the frame and by the way

I know it sounds woo woo but I literally when I see that stuff come out, I kind of have to revisit it and mourn it a little bit and go, oh, that was the movie that I wasn't very good in. Or like it's a script or, oh, that was the roast and that was fun. Or, oh, it's a shame that that didn't lead where I wanted it to, even though that was wrong for me to want something else. So it's very cool. It's very therapeutic. Yeah.

Yeah. I love like I'm addicted to nostalgia positive or negative so that sounds really nice like you're making me want to like keep everything even more so like i don't know i just love that experience but she's like releasing it too so yeah to keep it to then release because it's like it was just sitting in these boxes doing nothing right well then i also was wondering what are your guys opinion because i have no perspective we don't say guys anymore okay survivor you cunts um yeah i'm in survivor um by the way speaking of survivor this is a horrible joke but i remember a few years ago years ago um remember the show the amazing race yeah i think jim norton said something like what is that a show about white

people oh it's so funny oh my god they have one too that's like they have one too that's like the the greatest race now too where it's like oh guys you're really playing fire here it's a lot what's your opinion on this because again like i said i have no perspective on if anyone knows who i am there's a comedy museum the comedy hall of fame in jamestown new york they had asked me because that's where lucy was born lucy ball They asked me to do an interview with them. I was so near the end of comedy. I go, I can't. I can't. I said, I'm just so fucking exhausted. I don't want to do it. It's like your Holocaust Museum. It's literally. I was like, I have such cute comedy memorabilia. That really doesn't mean

anything more to me. It's really about my life. And just like the Radio City poster or whatever's nice and scripts that actually were worth keeping. Like I did a Simpsons. I mean, that's fucking badass. Definitely. Should I ask them if they want it? Yes. Lisa, oh my God. But why would you not ask?

What's the benefit? I always, well, the worst thing is they could say no and that's not even that bad. And then what would, yeah, how would that, that would? It would probably just lead to grief and sadness. If they don't want it, I will take literally have a chill like that she'll throw she'll take it put it in a box and then i love that kind of stuff like what my favorite experiences is going to museums and seeing like other artists work like not their like work but their things their workspace and their work product like i went to the country music hall

of fame or whatever and i saw like casey musgraves like things from her childhood and then i went to this amy winehouse exhibit and saw like her notebooks and stuff and i just i would i would love nothing more than an experience for myself to go to that comedy museum one day like hopefully soon and to see your stuff there would actually be so inspiring and wonderful. Yeah, what? So what do you like the things for? Like what does it make you feel? It just makes me feel so connected to that person and that artist. And like, oh my God, like they're just like me. Like seeing Amy Winehouse is like her little like channel.

You know, her little day planner with her little thoughts. And I'm like, I just feel like, like wow like they're just like me and i can be like them and like we're just all creative and i love artifacts memorabilia that's what it well you know what it is too it's like i like giving stuff to people who appreciate it so i do declutter a lot if it doesn't go to a family or friend who i know needs it and it's not just giving them junk i'll donate it and i know somebody will need this. I also was reading this book about, I think it's called Always Crashing the Same Car in LA. Oh. And it's this, did you hear about this book?

No, but it sounds like my story. Oh, your history with driving. It's about people who you don't know their names as household names, but how genius they were. And this guy talks about this one director, this woman who he went to her college and looked up her artifacts. No, I'm like, why don't I give some to my college too? Like, I don't even- What college did you go to? Syracuse.

Oh, cool. So I'm like, you know what? Like I just, but I never think of myself in the way of anyone would care. Of course. So you know what? Maybe I'll do that. I'll approach both.

If they say no, what's the worst that can happen? You gotta give them to us. Mr. Get ready for eight boxes, bitch. That's's so funny i can't wait till you're just like there's boxes taller than you i'm so excited no there won't be because i'm gonna come see them at the museum i want to write a book i want to write a book that's opposite of that book where it's all people you know about and how useless they are and how little they've done oh my god useless cunts wouldn't that be good the done oh my god useless cunts wouldn't that be good the best i cut speaking of useless cunts i have not been ever since these celebrity

apprentice i have not been able to watch reality tv tv at all oh it's my favorite why is it you know the background now so you know how the sausage is cooked it's so gross and i'm like i hate people who are famous for nothing and i think that's what me and kathy grippen have in common uh because i think she said in her book kathy grippen have in common uh because i think she said in her book if i'm not mistaken that we don't mind other people talented being successful like we're never jealous of that i fucking hate people who get rewarded for misbehaving yeah i think it's disgusting so when i was on the house the fucking apprentice with Teresa from the housewives the table flipping guy dude I she's so stupid so stupid I hoodwinked her countless times it's a game you dumb twat well I have the best story

about her this story is so fucking great can I tell you yes so inside okay when you do the apprentice is very stressful so you eat a lot so i didn't care because i was just fat and it doesn't matter but those women really are attached to staying small so one day my stylist comes in and she goes oh my god lisa everyone in the makeup room is saying theresa is probably pregnant because her stomach is like very big so i said don't worry i'll get that i'm in this shit so i walk into the little room where we're all getting mic'd up and i text and i'm like oh my god theresa's clearly pregnant because her stomach's super distended i sent it to theresa to fucking theresa do you know though here's why i'm smart my mind starts going because as you hit send and you hear the you know immediately yeah so two seconds go by and then I go oh I typed it because I see her look at it and she's like

and I type Teresa the message you just received was forwarded to you I can receive that from Clay Aiken oh that's so I said careful. He's on your team. Don't trust that shifty homosexual. And poor Clay never knew this. And it was so great. But you got to, I mean, it was, that's how tired you are when you're doing the show that you'll send a bad text to this person you're talking about. What an epic save.

Dude. That is iconic. And I've never been able to do a save like that since. Lisa, thank you so much for taking the time. Dude. That is iconic. And I've never been able to do a save like that since. Lisa, thank you so much for taking the time to do this. Dude, you guys are faking badasses. We are so lucky. This was so much fun. I feel so grateful.

I know this was hard to schedule. Poor George. He was just going insane. No, we don't care. It was so worth it. I'm so happy. I'm so thrilled that you guys even know my name. All right, I have a question, Lisa.

More than that. Do you have a price to do stand up? No. There's no price in the world. Because I have enough money to my my I I'm not rich, but I have enough money where I don't have to work again. Yeah. So I always say somebody asked me, what would it cost to get you to do a roast again?

Right. And I said, if I got a million dollars and I could give it to the Animal League of America because I love it so much because I got my little doggies there I'm like I do it for I mean I'd be an asshole to not do it right like that's a dick move yeah if they're like here's a million to your charity then you're like yeah I'm like starving dogs so yeah but I don't know you never know what'll happen but I can't even imagine a world that I'd want to do it again. Yeah. But you never know. You know what my only last dream is? Like I don't have a bucket list. I have a fuck it list because I just do everything when I want.

Yeah. I take ballroom dancing like twice a week. Oh, awesome. And I'm okay, but I could be good if I tried. My dream is like at 80, I will be the oldest winner on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, that's great. Yes. Because I'm gonna get

so good in 20 years and some guy some fucking Serbian dancer will be dragging my old twat around they'll feel sorry for me boom

I win that mirror ball so I'm putting it out there we met we actually met one of the dancers the Sky Val and he danced with Esther

he's so hot he's gorgeous he danced with Esther and there's just a video of Esther being twirled by him and then her fiance just in the corner like, what? It's so funny. It is very funny.

And since, wait, I don't believe, I know we have to end. I don't believe in necessarily manifesting. I just think you say what you want. It's not going to come to you, but you might as well say it. If anyone is listening, my last other dream is i need to be uh john crease's ex-wife on cobra kai that is my favorite show that ever existed i am johnny lawrence as a human being in female form ish female ish so put me on that fucking show yes i stink as an actor but i don't know what i am at this point and

i want to manifest both of us on dancing with the stars and you can have first place i'll take third i'll be fine i'll go off first nikki i'll beat y'all get kicked off before they even get to they're like uh my dancer quits for the win i wonder though if you can learn to dance if you have no rhythm you can yeah there's deaf people don't win in that shit yeah you know i know but they can feel the ground um lisa everyone is going to check out your podcast losers with a dream and you have a book is there where else no my my huge new york time non-bestseller chocolate please it's actually something like probably one of the biggest things i'm proud of because it's the whole story about my codependency my rehab i went to for food and

oh my gosh i would love to read this it's so deep and it's really funny too but yeah it was a total non-bestseller which was my first disappointment in my life but i learned to deal with it and also go to elisa lamp and ellie on the instagram because I actually answer DMs if you're not hot. Wait, did they? I feel like bestsellers are because people bought them out. Well, there are some tricks. Oh, I didn't know that. But I will tell you, this is how delusional I used to be as a comic.

I would be like, I just was absolutely sure it would be on the bestseller list because at the time I was huge. And I look and I'm like, huh, they must have misplaced it yeah what are you gonna do but I like that attitude better than you assuming it's not gonna be good yeah no I really was like what's going on it's rigged I tell you it is rigged it literally is rigged people pay they buy their own things bye everyone I love you dude Thank you so much for coming. Bye, Lisa.