Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Virgos Can't Dance & Ben Affleck Loves Beans w/ Justin Martindale

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: Fansly - Go to https://fansly.com and sign up today for exclusive content from your favorite creatorsBetterHelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesdayNative - Go to https://nativedeo.com/tuesday or use promo code tuesday at checkout, and get 20% off your first order More Justin MartindaleJust Sayin’ Podcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu3TXq6ivlc&list=PLqE73YLSOO_z31osf1VzSAoy8fqiXk1S0Just Sayin’ Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/just-sayin-with-justin-martindale/id1612725859Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/justinmartindale Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 Justin Martindale Talks Reality TV 7:14 Annie’s Lesbian TSA Experience11:12 Justin Martindale Went Viral About Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck Speaks Spanish?18:40 How Things Have Changed For People That Are Out21:27 How Justin Martindale and Annie Hang With Family as Stand Up Comics25:42 What is BFE?29:01 The Two Sets Of Twins That Got Married33:08 Worms & Eye Boogers38:14 Comedy and Magic During Peak Pandemic40:34 Justin Martindale Talks About Dating in High School43:57 Comedians As Pop Stars48:22 Petty Girls in Comedy  Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera Editor: Andres Rosende

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favorite adult friendly platform fansly it's the best platform to connect one-on-one with your favorite creators in new and more intimate ways than ever before what are you waiting for check out fansly.com that's fansly f-a-n-S-L-Y.com for exclusive content from your favorite creators. Chat, unlock exclusive content, watch live streams, and connect your Twitter or Twitch to see if creators you already engage with are on Fansly today. And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. BetterHelp is easy and affordable online therapy. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you out there. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Trash Tuesday.

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your first order. Use promo code Tuesday at checkout for 20% off your first order. This coming weekend, the 9th and 10th, I will be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania at the Improv. I will be at La Jolla Comedy Store 916 through 17. I will then be at Tempe Improv in Arizona September 23rd through 24th. And then one night only at the casino. I'll be at the Coluso California Casino one night on the 30th. It's night only at the casino i'll be at the caluso california casino one night on the 30th it's gonna do the best check out annieletterman.com slash shows for all those dates also uh my spotify live show is um was postponed yesterday because it was labor day

so it will be tonight at 5 p.m pst and 8 p p.m. Eastern. So you can check that out. Go to my socials, it'll be up there on my Instagram. Austin, Texas, September 16th and 17th. I don't have a place to sleep yet. So I'm either sleeping on an ex-boyfriend's couch or at a fan's place, preferably a female who has a really nice guest bedroom. So I will see you guys September 16th and 17th.

Get tickets at esteronice.com. I can't wait. Okay, folks. From the hit podcast. You changed the name, so I... Oh, I... Just saying. Just saying.

We have a Justin motherfucking Martindale, folks. Beautiful. The best hair in comedy. Thank you. He was supposed to come. We weren't sure. It was undecided whether there was going to be a theme. Well, I did get half a notice that perhaps you were going to come in selling Sunset.

God. But it would have been insane if it was just you. But now it's just me. But I failed at the outfit. But have you watched Selling? No. Okay. Selling the you. But now it's just me. But I failed at the outfit. But have you watched Selling? No. Okay. Selling the OC.

Oh, it's a new one. Oh, Selling the OC. So who are you going to come dressed as? You were just going to be in a suit. You were just going to come looking like hot. No, it was going to be a mess of things because this is them dressed up. Like this is them doing like, oh, this is the cover shot. Like kind of like the housewives theme.

But he's in it too. The Selling the OC. The little guys. The little bald guys. They're all little. this is them doing like oh this is the the cover shot like kind of like the housewives theme right he's in it too they're selling the oc the little guys they're all little which one the bald guy oh that's the openheim guy yeah that's open so it's their like it's their oc spinoff okay oh we could have all been wearing royal blue yeah but also that they their cocktail attire like there it's i almost wore that outfit i literally almost wore one of those like uh oh that's kayla i should uh kayla and alex uh one is this like there's three alex this is the new one right yes just came out okay i'm gonna dig burn through it in like a day and a half i'll watch it it's so good i'm stuck on a indian matchmaker right now. Oh yeah. Second season. Is it good?

So far not as good as the first season. Oh really? Yeah. But I like to see messy brown folks. It makes me feel so much better about my life. Cause I always see just a messy white people on reality TV. So when I see messy, like, like Bling Empire. Oh my fucking God.

I'm like yes yes, finally, Asians being represented in the correct way. Disastrous. Christine. Oh, she's so good. Anna. This is the matchmaker. Okay, so I went to the Jersey Shore

and I went and I asked a guy just to do some preliminary research. I asked a henna guy if he would do a tattoo on my head of a dick and he would. I wasn't ready for it, but but we like one of our first episodes we had a pog off remember pogs yeah we did with the slammer yeah which by the way it's so you're like a okay why do you make everything a butthole justin ew um house of hoe i've never heard of this. House of Ho, which is Annie Letterman's new special coming out. It's just my vagina.

The House of the Ho. It's rich Asians in Houston. Oh, this is their bling empire. This is HBO Max's bling empire. What's interesting about- Nikki Glaser just randomly hosting it. She just comes out. I mean, why not?

What's interesting about Asians is that they never want to be represented as anything but like extremely like filthy fucking rich right so it's like what's that honey boo boo like duck dynasty you have all of this like trash kind of like trash yeah like whiteys and i love it and i love it over their fucking dead rich bodies would they ever be represented as anything but extremely wealthy? And it's kind of a bummer, but I'm glad they're equally fucking disastrous. Yeah.

I think, you know, what's funny is that the, uh, and I was in Vegas recently and they had a, uh, what's the, they had a crazy rich Asians slot machine.

Oh no, it's a great one. That's really fun. Is it? Except it wasn't giving me as much. I'm telling you, that's so funny. You brought it up. I'm going to cry. The crazy rich Asians slot machine oh no it's a great one that's really fun is it except it wasn't giving me as much i'm telling you that's so funny you brought it up i'm gonna cry the crazy rich asian slot machine i have such good times on slots but um the crazy rich asians is a good one and i was just in atlantic city with my soon-to-be in-laws uh what did you get engaged no but he asked my parents

for my hand in marriage oh and then they reported it back to you? Yeah, they told, I know, my mom was like, he just asked us a question. I'm like, is anything a secret? No. He also, we got in a fight because he goes, we're, you know, how we were supposed to go to Mexico. You know that got canceled? Yes, it got canceled. But Todd was like, maybe you're going to get a surprise in Mexico.

And I was like, why would you tell me? What, diarrhea? Like, there could be so many things. No, he meant he was going to propose to me. He was going to propose to me. I'm like, don't tell me when you're going to do it. I was like, I would not have had any clue. Yeah, I'm going to sew a bag of fentanyl in your stomach.

Yay, Mexico! You're a mule! I mean, I'm going to put the ring around the condom that's holding all the heroin in your asshole. I actually think you'd make a great mule. Thank you so much, because my asshole's so big. No, because you're almost so overt that like there is no like, like that cannot be, like the loudest girl here cannot be the mule.

Yeah, and they'll be like, her tracks are showing. She's being crazy. She's telling them to pat down her pussy. There can't be any drugs in there. You're like a bad mule. Wait, did I tell you about my lesbian experience at TSA? No. It went off.

Do you look at the screen right when you go through you do the thing and then turn like the little screen i want to know what the hot spots are my hot spot was my puss i was wearing shorts well that's not a surprise like it must have been like you have herpes um this is a weird diagnosis but it was like you know it's like the red with like a yellow you had yellow and it was right here and i went oh no and then the woman was like, you know, it's like the red with like a yellow. You had yellow. And it was right here. And I went, oh, no. And then the woman was like, oh, no. Like we both were like, oh, no.

And she's like, I'm going to have to. Finger you. She's like, I'm going to have to pat you down. She went and she was like very butch. She was like, do you want. And she asked me if I was trans. She goes, no offense. She goes, are you trans?

I want to be like, are you bitch? Like, what the hell? And then. So then she like. They asked you that? She asked me if I was trans, but I'm like, would a dick go off? You still got it.

You still got it. Would a dick go off? I know it's like, I wish it was the first time. This was the first official time. It was the first time someone had a badge of sorts asking me this.

Alternately, I know that the hot spots when they have to pat me down is my wet hair. Like the tips when it hasn't dried. they were like, wet hair is you fucking wet bush

i was leaving texas it was a little humid well that'll do it yeah and so she how did she go about she i she swiped my ass to her i'm like bitch it did not show up on my ass she was like do you want to go to a private room and i was like do you like the whole thing was like are you my boyfriend was laughing so hard it was so i was like crying off did you have to take your pants off and all that? No, she just like gripped around. Gripped around? She gripped around.

She swiped me. She credit card swiped me. She followed you on Instagram afterwards? She was so upset. She was like, she didn't want to do it. None of us were like, but I was like, you're faking. You're not a little excited. I'm pretty cute.

I had my extensions in. I was like, you're cute. I mean, how tight were your coochie cutters? They were really up my puss. It must have just been they were so like crumpled up Annie that's not good Like an old burrito foil Why did you have to say burrito

I don't know I just crumpled That just came to mind He's like when I look at your taco I think more of a burrito Yeah or like or would you think of like Like a corner full of like daddy long legs Yeah it's like Yeah it's like daddy long legs on their back, their bottoms.

Like a nice summer eve porch, no douche intended. Do you douche? I have never douched in my life. No, I don't. Do you? Prep? I had anal sex one time, okay? Same, yeah.

And I had to ask a lot of questions of people and I did did even though people told me i didn't have to i did get like a enema thing you got the pre-dead prep yeah i just really didn't want to shit on this guy's dick like i was like what kind of enema did you use i got one of the fleet ones yeah but then i was staying at my friend's medical ones that i have to use on people yeah i mean if we had been friends, you would have been involved. You would have been spreading. Esther would have been holding the cheese. We would have been using the ass tape.

Oh, yeah. Esther would totally hold it down. Esther really would, honestly. It's kind of sick. She really wants... Esther would be the enema. Yeah. Esther's entire body is inside me. I'm pooping her out right now. Elbows deep in five seconds. But the guy who was like, the friend whose house I was,

the friend whose house I was staying at, there was only like one key to get in. So he had a buzz to get in. So I was like, gave myself the thing and was like in the tub, you know, like in the bathroom area. And I had to like cup my asshole

and like run and let him in in the middle of it. Wow. How long before it started to rumble? It was like mid-score. It was pretty bad. It was like, I was laying, you know, I was like mid-score. It was pretty bad. It was like... I was laying, you know, I was like face down, ass up in the tub.

And then I was cupping and running. Wait, face down, ass up. You know, it doesn't have to be that way. No, I wasn't doing it well. I didn't do it right. I mean, you have to... Practice makes perfect, you know? It sounds like a new Broadway musical as well,

The Ladies Who Douche. The Douche. The Ladies Who Douche. If you love The Ladies Who Lunch, you'll love The Ladies Who Douche. The House of Douche. House of the Douche-en. Yeah.

I went viral last week. I don't know if you saw that at all. What'd you go viral with? I was fucking completely offline, so sick. I disrupted the Zodiac. Killer? Not the killer, the actual Zodiac,

like the astrology of everything, because I had Heather Morris from Glee on my podcast. And she said that when she was a backup dancer for Beyonce, there was a dancer, a hearsay dancer. Yeah. That there was a dancer, a hearsay dancer. Yeah. That there was a Jennifer Lopez audition and the Jennifer Lopez showed up like, you know, they've been there all day. She shows up like 15 minutes, like before it's supposed to be over.

She's like, thanks so much for being here all day and working your asses off. Are there any Virgos in the room? And the Virgos raised their hand. She's like, you can go home now. the internet went like it was crazy that's so funny like every damn news outlet i was just getting like notified like like vanity fair did they ask you did they call you no no one called me they were just like but i you know got a lot of people like talking about my podcast which was great but it was like every news article trickled down it was great seeing like it on like local news because people were like jennifer lopez hates virgos coming up after the break it was just like what

is happening whitney i think whitney is bobby his birthday's coming up but did we know that ben affleck speaks fluent sp? He does? Yes. I did not know this. I didn't know that either. He is a Ben Lopez after all. I had no clue. Like fluently too. Yeah, let's hear.

How do the, your smell like bad breath. No. Too proud of himself. I hate it. I have lots of friends that are latino i don't like it i love beans i'm sorry these are all basic spanish things though he He said, I have Spanish friends. I eat beans. It's like they're covering like... But the way his accent and the way his like...

It's pretty legit. Did you see the pride? It's too high pitched, though. A little bit. A little bit. It's like, wait a minute. You're from Boston. I know.

It's like being disrespectful. You're being disrespectful. Yo soy me gusta frijoles. Okay, Ben. Relax. It's like, all right, Hilaria. You're from Boston. Hilaria Affleck.

Oh, nothing was better than that. That was so beautiful. Como se dice? I love it when she's on that talk show. She's like, how do you say cucumber? Cucumber. Cucumber. It's just so weird to lie about something that's Googleable.

Yeah. So wild. She really is like such, such a joy to read about, though, anywhere. I know. Yeah. And her, like, ninth child. Yeah. I think she's pregnant with her seventh or something. I know.

She and Nick Cannon are in a race. That's too much. Nick Cannon has another one. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. I know. Vivica A. Fox said, enough. That's so funny.

She said, stop it. You're making us look bad. Don't claim him, I know. I know. Vivica A. Fox said enough. That's so funny. She said, stop it. You're making us look bad. Don't claim him, Vivica. And today's podcast is brought to you by Fansly, an innovative adult-friendly platform. Think TikTok, but for spicy content and exclusive access to your faves. To your faves, baby. You can follow, subscribe, message creators to chat one-on-one, unlock pay-per-views.

You definitely won't see anywhere else. And discover new favorites on the Fansleaf for you page. You got this, Annie. Look, where new creators are suggested based on the ones you already love and engage with. So, if you see me, you'll see Lady Gaga. Fansly even protects your content with free copyright takedowns and chargeback protection and welcomes creators of all fan base sizes, whether you're already established or just beginning. You can post safe for work pics by day, spice it up at night or both

with tons of optional features like sub tiers, paid messaging and more. That's right. That's where you're going to see my feet and greet. That would do well. That would do so well. I know, but it's like the bit is not about money. It's about like how long can I guard my feet?

But you know what? With Fansly, Annie, you are in charge. You're right. I'm in charge. So feet and greet it is. Feet and greet it is, but the tier is $1 million. You would make a lot on Fansly, actually, because the average creator with just 1,000 followers on social media, which you have way more than, earns $500 a month.

Now, you actually don't have that much more than that, but you actually would make money too. I have 6,000 followers. Ooh. You would make bank. Carlos, we should fans leave you up what are you waiting for carlos guys what are you waiting for sign up today at fansley.com that's fansley f-a-n-s-l-y.com for exclusive content from your favorite creators and now a word from our sponsor better help guys look obviously there's ups and downs. There's peaks and valleys.

In this episode, even. I mean, when do I not need help? I don't know. She's crying for help at all times. Spread eagle, screaming for help. This is me screaming for help. I am anxiety ridden. I get depressed a lot.

Annie is dying from terminal something. Guys, I have been sick for so long guys i've been sick for so long that it's affecting me mentally i mean she is dealing with some type of chronic um medical ailment an ailment whatever it is whatever it is we i've lost friends i've lost family i've lost work we all need help at some point and that's why we turn to better help better help is affordable online therapy you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours um what i love about it has this journal feature she loves the journal feature she's a poet guys i love to write poetry so she likes to write her feelings. We like to read it, honestly, but you're not going to be able to read her journal because this is confidential BetterHelp.

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that's better h-e-l-p.com slash trash Tuesday. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile.

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offer and your new three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Statement mobile for details. You know what's weird? Are y'all watching League of Their Own?

No, I haven't. I want to watch it. It's so great. Oh, good. It's so wonderful. But it does. There's, you know, it's a lot of lesbians playing baseball, which I didn't know shocked me.

You thought it was the bigger ball, right? This isn't Gina Davis. It's Vagina Davis. But it's very, it's, you know, very gay, very fun. But at the same time, you're like, holy shit, this is like what it was like back in like, you know, 39, 40, whatever, whatever year it takes place. But it was like that. They're like oh well i gotta marry a man i gotta marry a woman and then it was like we go off into these like secret

clubs speakeasies like all that kind of stuff it's wild and i and my boyfriend and i were talking about it last night i was like oh we would totally be married to women like back in the day go to jail if you went to jail for just being gay i always feel like just is like being like a loudspoken like kind of free person like where i just kind of like have my own rules and no boundaries and stuff i guess i have boundaries now but like you know what i mean like i just do my thing that there's people that follow the rules and they're like mad at you. Like they get mad at your freedom. Like, do you get that from closeted guys a lot where they're like mad at you?

Like you're having like a great life and they're like, but I'm following the rules and you're getting to have a great life. Well, it's also weird because like back when I started, I mean, even like 2009, it still was very like, you know, being yourself, which is mind boggling. Yeah. So now it's kind of like loosened up in the past couple of years. I wasn't getting work. I wasn't getting work because I was gay.

I was not gay enough because they wanted this like, you know, like, yes, queen, she's giving it, you know, it's like, okay, I can get that way, but I'm not that way. Yeah, but I don't want to be that all the time. Yeah, it's like, I want to just be a person. I want to have a beer with my friends. You know, but yeah, now it's like, wait, you know, I'm getting these opportunities and things are kind of moving along. And people are like, well, wait a minute. Yeah.

Put them back. What the hell is this? Let's go back to 2009. Right. Fuck 2009. It is crazy how much shit has changed in just that little amount. It is like,

it's hilarious like how much like even Judd Apatow movies had like Faggot and things like that. Like just like crazy, just like really insane. And just not that long ago. Yeah ago yeah then you think about it and it's like yeah i don't know i always feel like people like just like being a girl that curses like some people have a problem like just so i can't even imagine it's like you're gay or whatever

do you guys feel like you ever have to like code switch when you like obviously when you're in at the comedy store around comics there's just like a free flow of just the worst things you can say you know to each other or whatever there's like a freedom right you don't have to weigh your thoughts or measure your words it you just say what you say yeah do you feel like when you have to meet in-laws or people or like regular people how much of it is a struggle when you have to meet in-laws or people or like regular people how much of it is a struggle when you have to code switch to be like a normal person it is weird like because i was on vacation for like oh yeah my family i was like it is and not that i can still be myself like i'm lucky i have like a good family but it's like yeah i'm not gonna be like hey bitch, bitch. Like, to my niece. Like, hey, you little cunt. I met my boyfriend's parents, like, a couple weeks ago.

We went to Georgia. And they're just the sweetest. The sweetest. And his mom listens to my podcast. You know, I'm like, you know, I cuss. But I'm not like, I don't try to make it a thing. But I was, like, on my best behavior. You know, I grew up in the

south as well so it's like you know and they're very cool with him and who he is so it's just like you know I'm meeting like my boyfriend's parents in the south and we played Cards Against Humanity that is the bridge

but I didn't realize I don't know what's going on at the Cards Against Humanity factory. Like they are just coming out with things. Yep. So this was like the everything bagel package. It was just a bagel with all the everything bagel seasoning on it. I'm like, oh, well, this looks innocent, right?

And so playing the cards, I don't have anything like crazy dirty. His mom ends up winning. And then the dad who's like this, you know, he's almost 70, sweet Georgia man. He's like, well, I don't know what to do with these two cards. I look at the two cards. One of them is tongue fucking my toes. cards one of them is uh tongue fucking my toes and the other one is laying a laying an egg out of my bird pussy and i'm like what why would they do that and he would have won those sorry huh he

would have won he would have totally won my family is like we're trash like my whole family's like really like we're like garbage trash mouth trash people like we just are always like we're like garbage, trash mouth, trash people. Like we just are always like we're just like the neighbors that are allowed. You know what I mean? We're just the trash people. And so the sister-in-laws, it was weird. You know, when we were bringing them in, it was like, how do we get that? You can't really ease into the letterings because it's all trash. So but like it was games like Cards cards cards against humanity and then there was one

we did a awkward family photos and this is when my sister-in-law and i really because my sister-in-law didn't like me when we first met i mean i'm sure she liked me fine but she was my brother was like it was my twin brother he was like you know warned her like my sister's like foul mouth or this was before i was a comedian like before i got on tv my behavior was absolutely insane once i got on tv they're like yeah but like so when i met my sister-in-law they were staying in my brother's room they were like you know 22 or whatever and i just said when they went in when they went into the room i better be a white wedding bitch like i was totally kidding yeah but she like doesn't live with trash so she didn't think you know so she like took it personally or whatever took it seriously and then eventually she opened up stuff but we had one family vacation we were playing awkward

family photos and i swear to god and so it was like everyone was like there's a photo and then you put the caption and then people have to guess who wrote the which caption so my mom is always saying the most disgusting thing so you're expecting my mom to be like fisting and stuff like that yes they're trash i'm telling you these people are trash and um i was raised by just like animals absolute animals and so there was one where it was like like a wedding dress and it was like someone's fisting someone from behind and when i realized it was my sister in law it was like she was in that was it so now every vacation we have like the cards against humanity moment so you have like a kid version too that's pretty wait have you guys heard a brother fucker energy it did not that's not me i know i was gonna say i was like i think i've

seen it in your chair i've wait brother fucker energy's had some slip-ups not slip-ups i've had sex with your shirt um thank thank you for wearing that shirt i've had sex with um my equivalent of a paul rudd i suppose which is like my stepbrother yes yes yes so anyways i'm known as the brother fucker of the of the crew of the podcast esther's the lovable potato she's the brother brother fucker no but there's crew of the podcast esther's the lovable potato she's the brother brother fucker no but there's a real thing called i think it's called brother fucker energy where sisters get overtly jealous when their brother starts dating someone oh and they really kind of like put the girl down say for instance or like i think this is this is a tiktok yeah this

is it okay oh my god let me get my ear ear wow how did that segue so perfectly i'm excited about this kalilah you're a genius so this weekend i had the pleasure of encountering my first brother fucker in the wild for those of you who don't know let me explain a brother fucker is a girl who is close in age, typically with her sibling, and acts in a strange way because she's jealous and deep down inside probably wants to sleep with her brother. Okay, well, let me summarize it because she goes on a long story about it. But basically she goes to a party And she notices this girl across the room being extremely rude to her. And she overhears the girl saying, like, why did he bring her?

She's so mediocre. And she later finds out that that's not just a jealous girl. That's his sister. And I want to know if you've ever felt that towards, like, a sibling ever, where you just feel like this need. Like that's that's she's fucking her brother, right? No, she's not. You know, as an older brother, I've I've, you know, I have one sister, you know, and I've got three brothers and we've just been very like, who's this guy?

Yeah. Who's this guy? He's up to no good. Something's not right. And usually we're right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Who's this guy? He's up to no good. Something's not right. And usually we're right. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

So I get that. It could just be like territorial. It's like family. But I don't think it's like an Oedipus complex. You don't think it's a Lannister? She was kind of boring. A Lannister complex? She was mediocre.

I'll say that. Yeah? No, no, no. She was cute. But I feel like with my brother. Yeah. You're a twin. No. No, no, no. She was cute. But I feel like with my brother. Yeah, you have your twin. No, I my brother.

I never felt I always liked my brother would like at all confide in me or call me or need me or what? Like it was always nice. So I was like, I wanted to hear about his girlfriends and stuff. But I would get jealous. There was he had a girlfriend in high school who my mom took to the art museum. I was like, right. Mom, can you take me to the art museum. Oh, that's right. Mom, can you take me to the art museum?

I'm like the artist in the family. I was like, it was like that made me jealous. I was like, what the fuck is this, bitch? But I never was like, no, I never really had that. But they were never like that with me either. They did when I broke up with one of my boyfriends. They did all sigh. They went, oh.

Like they got? Yeah. Or went, oh. Like they got? Yeah. Or like, oh no. And they were like, I was like, what? Were you like worried about me? And they were like, every day. We were worried about you every day. But they never said anything.

Have you seen the two sets of twins that got married? Uh-uh. It's like two. Carlos is like, goddammit, now I gotta go to work. It's the two. It's two twin sisters, two two twin brothers and they got married right so two sister twins they had babies and those babies are not only cousins but they're technically dna siblings because of their children yeah this this thing it's so bizarre they're

dating yeah and they're dating yeah they're the youngest babies to i mean at this point they should just like sister wives it. That's what I'm wondering. I'm like, how do you? And they're identical. I mean, it's weird. 2, 22, 22, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2. Identical twins do weird shit.

Like, they, like, there's, like, conventions for identical. And I'm sure they're all fucking each other. That's what I thought. And I didn't want to think that. But you brought it up. How upsetting would it be to be the fat one? No, that's what I always think about like being the fat twin. Oh, what a nightmare. You know, I know a girl I mean, this is weird. Those are all twins. Yeah, this is strange. That's all like it. That's like a twin convention wedding

Oh my god. Yeah, look it's weird. It's like an a24 film. I don't want to look at it Yeah, that is so scary a 24 We just see Esther. Hereditary too. That looks exactly like that. But no, but I knew a girl who was estranged from her. Green bananas. They are green.

It's okay. They are green. I'm going to wait for this to get to a correct color. But I knew a girl who was estranged from her twin brother because he molested her. So narcissistic. As I'm eating a banana. So narcissistic. Right.

You're not. If we gave you a fucking. You're like, banana break. Papaya. That would have been rough. Oh, yeah. That would have been weird. I know.

I just have a good podcast, papaya. Papaya break. Yeah. papaya break um yeah I mean I guess if you were gonna be attracted to someone have some high self-esteem

oh by the way so I ate so much food on this trip my boyfriend's Asian his mom's Asian you know so she would cook me I like your boyfriend

by the way he's really sweet he's fucking incredible he's the most precious but his his mom Vanessa she's the best she

like it's you know in her culture is to just feed feed feed so she's making me soup she was like soup I was sick all I want is her soup

but I had so much like rice porridge soup like I gained yeah rice porridge soup it's the best I go back to my mom okay

I go to my mom rice porridge soup weight. It's the best. I go back to my mom, okay? I go to my mom. Rice porridge soup weight. I go, mom, do I look like that? And she goes, you know what I love about you? She goes, I love, you have such a good body image. I went, no, no, no, no, no. Not the question I asked.

No, no, no, no, bitch. Do I look fatter 10 days later than when I came and I came in in a low carb, working out every day. And then I was sick the entire time and I was chugging NyQuil and eating rice soup. Do I look fatter? And she's like, and it's that body image that I like about you. I'm like, you can't say it. She can't lie to me. She can't do anything.

She just can't give it to me. Well, if this makes you feel any better, I think I might have been the only person who came out of covid 10 pounds heavier everyone did we all did really oh yeah no i mean covid actually getting covid oh like i was mine was mine was wine weight i know i was like dude i was like just downing oh you know like when people get sick they always somehow look like frail and thin kind of sexy i was the opposite it's almost like i go into like a food panic and i just start shoving things in my mouth that's what i did this yeah oh i get it because i was so unhappy to go on your like i've been planning this family vacation for so long to be sick the whole fucking time i was like depressed

so i was just like the only thing i do is eat things that taste good but i was full and vanessa was cooking me like we were staying in their basement on an air mattress by the way i'm done with their mattresses oh you should have we could have got a place i'm just i was too sick to even get a hotel like what were you sick with i had like a fucking fucked up cold for like three weeks and i had some yeah no these worms come out of my ass you've never had worms no no randy had worms when i first got, and I didn't know if I could love them. Oh, my God. You guys, having worms is so underrated. It's actually quite fun.

You got really skinny. Well, no. This is how sad should know real pets as a kid. I had my pet, Jerry, who was my worm. Worms is really underrated. Ew, you fucked your worm, too? Well, he fucked me first. Let me tell you how it happened.

Did you put him back in? You him off the cycle never ends it does not end i i pulled a worm out of my butt when i was like eight years old and nine and i remembered feeling just the most wonderful tickle it's like when you pull like a hair out when you pull a hair out of your nose like you know the hair accidentally gets up there and you pull it out and it feels like it's attached to your brain and your eyes roll up. I've never had that either. Or when you pull like an eye booger that's really long across your eyeballs.

Never had that either. These are Asian things. You guys are just missing out on life. Are we though? Have worms, Justin. Try worms. I don't want to like, I don't want to like,

I don't want someone seeing me scratch my butt up against the carpet. Oh, that's cute. It's so cute oh he's going viral again baby my nail has worms no okay so worms wasn't an american thing yeah i didn't know anyone neither was i yeah i don't know long eye boogers that's weird too hair that makes your eyes roll back i don't know long eye boogers. That's weird too. There was a hair that makes your eyes roll back. I don't necessarily think I lived in a typical childhood. I feel like, I think it's just you two who's never had a booger across the eye. I don't know, but you live like you also were in like a scary stories to tell in the dark

novel. You were like, yeah, I got the zit once and I popped it and all these baby spiders came out. No, no one else. I untied my ribbon and my head fell off. Exactly.

How is your, Kalilah, like a month ago, did ketamine treatment. How do you feel? I feel okay. I think it helped with overall anxiety. I will say that. That's where I can see the biggest difference. More just detached, I think, which I'm not really sure if i love because i've always been someone who's like so close to my emotions i thought you're gonna say to your ex-boyfriends

oh it's also my ex-boyfriend um no no i didn't mean him i just meant i was just teasing you because in general my ex-boyfriend was like let's call an ex-boyfriend i'm like i don't have their numbers they always pick up i did actually hit up one of my ex-boyfriends recently, which I never do. But he was one of those guys that last time I saw him, we used to always get lunch or something every few years. We had a fine relationship. Nothing bad happened or wasn't too sad of a breakup or anything. But last time I had seen him, he was in a dark place.

So I was like, let me just see if he's with us still. He's with the still oh with the living you know is he and i hit him up he's like about to have a kid oh good and they did frozen embryos yeah like me and my boyfriend and ours are all boys and his are all girls i'm like we should swap these trade seas yeah but i was i was like this is like a best case scenario and then i was like we're good i never have to talk to you again. Thank you to our sponsor, Native. So you've heard me talk about how much I love Native. The thoughtful formulation behind all of their products is something that I have always loved because they understand it's not just what's on the inside

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You met your boyfriend over the pandemic, right? No. After the pandemic? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, we met like last September. It's almost a year, yeah. He just met his parents.

Yeah. It's new. No, I'm not meeting anybody during the pandemic are you kidding me i was so good so good you had a good time i wasn't like running to mykonos or shit like that no like let's covid's real let's go to mykonos no i wasn't doing that no i wasn't on like like cruise ships or anything like that no no no no i was very it was crazy it was it was a weird time it was so weird do you remember we did like like um like the uh parking lot shows yeah and did you do the window at the comedy store

the the window i never did the window i did my podcast my old podcast there like we started it there which was the window okay so they they opened a window at the comedy store they opened a window and in the original room so it was looking out into the front bar. But legally, they had to have it. It couldn't sync up time-wise. Yeah. There were these weird rules, right, that they were, like, finding these loopholes to. So it had to be on, like, a 30-second delay.

Right. So you're telling a joke. You're bombing. You're eating. You're bombing. You're telling a joke you're bombing you're eating you're bombing you're telling a joke you're hitting the punchline people are going and then you're feeling like you're bombing and they start laughing at you yeah that's how it felt it was awful and they set up that like weird like makeshift patio with like the led screens and you can sit outside oh it's the worst but the best the did you ever do the Magic Castle shows with

Tammy Jo? I did, yeah. That was like fun. Tammy Jo weirdly pulls out. She gave the clappers. Yeah, she gave like clappers to people so they were like clap, clap, clap. Because you're in your car. It's like a drive-in. Right, right. And you're on this like weird, I kept calling it like a Hope Floats Rascal Flat set because it was just like this

like weird like Texas barbecue stage and like they couldn't flash their lights and they couldn't honk so they would give you these little clappers and they're like flashlight and ting ting ting ting ting yeah and you're like this this is where we're at this is where we're at i always end up getting in fights with tammy joe like we love each other but we always get in fights and then i realized we're both tops we're just both oh yeah full dominant silverback it's just we i'm like why do we always fight it's like we're all it's like because we're just always like yeah did you live in a place where there were a lot of gay guys

when you were young uh no wait no like what do you mean like did you like in high school where there like a lot of gay guys no no it was just it's weird like my my high school was very like like can't hardly wait it was very like that texas like varsity blues that really was a fun movie everyone got along it was just the weirdest thing like i went to a private school and that's where a lot of gay guys came from so i came from private school to a to a public school um my second semester sophomore year and by like my senior in high school, I was homecoming King. Like I went in there and it was just like,

yeah. Did all the, no, no. But I mean like, but you were a guy. Yeah. I mean,

cause it wasn't like talked about. Yeah. It was weird. I didn't have like, like you were just kind of like, okay, you have your boyfriend, you have your girlfriend.

That was it. Like, who are you dating? I was dating like the captain of the dance team. i was dating like the homecoming queen at one point like but it was like friendly but like we kind of also messed around but it wasn't like i feel like you lived in glee that's crazy like glee it just feels like glee it was very like every every every i mean i don't know in my i could be completely wrong like there could have been a student who was just like it fucking sucked yeah but like everybody that all the

different cliques and groups we all kind of like we got along so i like that my house was insane but there was a friend of mine well wasn't a friend of mine at the time but he was like one of like the big like football players and he like came out and was like oh yeah you know i'm gay and i'm like and he came out yeah i was like you you like made fun of me in high school and stuff and he's like yeah i was just like really insecure with myself he's like you know but we would all like jerk off in the locker room like after practice and stuff and i was like and and you and you guys didn't call me yeah you're like're like, I would have loved to have been there. I was like, who? And he'd be like, so-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so.

I'm like, that is crazy. I think there's so much gay shit going on at all times. Always. If there's a locker room. I can't think of one person who isn't somewhat fluid. It's hard to find now, right? Like, if we were to give ourselves, like, permission, like, true permission,

I think we'd all be okay with, like, fucking everyone. Mm-hmm. Like, but that's just... I feel like it's getting more loose now. Yeah. Totally. Not Annie, but, like, actually... I'm getting tighter.

I'm getting tighter. I'm getting tighter. Like, people with their sexuality is getting more I don't know looser because one of my favorite things is I love objectifying men I love it well as a man doing it it's so

like I encourage women you like to do it to straight guys oh for sure I do it on stage like some guy the other night was like, I said, where are you from? And he was like, oh, I don't even remember where he's from. But I said, oh, that's great.

And I go, oh, you're from this city? And he goes, yes, sir. And I was like, did you just yes, sir? And I go, okay, daddy. And he was just like, oh. And I love that. Yeah, and honestly, everybody should feel what that's like

that's my favorite thing and just because it is like both you're like because you know you get like hit on on the street and you're like no thank you no no okay i feel like every i think every comedian could have like a pop star associated with them what am i you're like uh wait hold on i've got this i've got this i've got this i've got this let me look pop story You're like... Wait. Hold on. I've got this. I've got this. I've got this. I've got this.

Let me look pop story. You're like trash. No. You're like a tuna can. Bonnie Raitt. No, you are... I love Bonnie Raitt. No, you're like...

I would say you're... I mean, you're very like rock star. I would say go for rock. I would say you're very rock star. I would say go for rock. I would say Avril Lavigne. Or Gwen Stefani. A little harder. I think a lot more true rock and roll. Like Hole?

Yes. Courtney Love. Courtney Love, that's it. Trash. Garbage. You found the garbage. There you go. My favorite album, Live Through This, the best.

Celebrity Skin. Hello. Celebrity Skin's so good, Annie. I do wake up in my makeup. Yeah. I feel like, let's see. I mean, you didn't pick like hot ones, but it's okay. Esther.

She was hot to me. Yeah. Esther is like. Esther is. Is Modest Mouse a girl? I think Esther's probably like a Jojo Siwa. Or like a... She's Dave Grohl.

She is Dave Grohl. Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time? Me neither. Dave Grohl and Esther. I think Esther would probably be like... She wants to be Lady Gaga so bad. Yeah. No, she doesn't want to be Lady Gaga.

She wants to be like... What does Esther want to be? Oh my God. Yeah. No, she doesn't want to be Lady Gaga. She wants to be like, what does Esther want to be? Oh my God. She's Billie Eilish. She's Billie Eilish. She's Billie Eilish. She's like a baby girl. She's a moody teen.

Yeah. I was going to say for you and this would really like make Esther sad, but a little bit of Lana Del Rey as well. It's kind of like just that rebel

like kind of sad. Sad. Girl eating cheesecake. But also like I eat cheesecake, but I like to... Sad. Sad. Girl eating cheesecake. But also, like... I eat cheesecake, but I like to be happy. Sexy. Sexy.

Wash it down with a Pepsi Cola. Yeah, but motorcycles. You know what I mean? I would like to be Lady Gaga, but that's okay. I don't think there is a Lady Gaga. I'm morphing. I'll work on it. You just show up...

She's a morph. She's a morph. With Coke cans in your hair and just cigarette glasses the beef there i look like lena you just show up in the roast beef dress we're like annie god jesus christ annie it's the or who do i look like who do i look like it's like rotting meat who do i look like which pop star am i it's the or on a tuesday what are you doing let's do more um think who would be Whitney would be oh my god this is a fun game Avril Lavigne

Whitney's like hang on oh wait you're kind of a Kesha yes there it is right yes you're a Kesha take Kesha I'll take Kesha I'll take all of them that you gave me I like Kesha. Take Kesha. I'll take Kesha. I'll take all of them that you gave me. I like Kesha. I would say Whitney would be a... Who is Whitney? Whitney would be...

Gwen Stefani's like religious. Yeah, she says she's always been kind of a good girl. You think Whitney would be Brittany? I had Whitney's. Brittany is so funny. I had a friend who... She tried to throw me a surprise party at Whitney's house like she tried to get herself like into what like why would that happen in the in the group like she was like I'm gonna throw a surprise party for you like she told you know obviously Todd was at Whitney's house

and she's like so she's trying to get Todd to like set it up at Whitney's house. So that she would then bring all these people I don't like into my famous friend's mansion. Yep. I mean, that's what was weird. I remember walking at the store with ex-boyfriend. And he'd be like, Justin, take a picture of me and Natasha. And I'm like, I don't. What?

No, these are my peers. Like we're not fanning out over you know and my boyfriend my boyfriend now like his one of his like she was performing in La Jolla and I was like oh go check out my friend I know I wish I didn't even get to talk to him yeah I know yeah and he took his brother to go see Annie and I was like I was like how was she he was like she had really strong brother fecker energy and i was like yeah she gets that a lot i was so jealous i consider you a brother i was like you're a little mediocre wow wow i didn't like him he's really one sister did you know that i have four kids

pop you know what i do have a lot of girlfriends though at the in in comedy which i really love i have a lot of good girls i love the girls in comedy i think there's like a lot of really good i've learned to distance myself from some of them but the ones that i have i'm like when you distance yourself from them yeah when you see them every once in a while you go i can fucking appreciate that bitch now you don't gotta hang out with them all the time i've had like falling outs with female comedians and stuff yeah but i'm like there's no one that is gonna ruin my day day. Oh, wait. I mean, you mean they're tolerable. Yeah. You can just kind of be like, okay.

Well, enough years happen. There was one girl in New York. Oh, she was such a stupid bitch. We used to do Girl Code together. I won't say her name, but she sucks. And I don't fucking care if she finds out. There were so many great girls on that show. And there was this one girl that I used to do open mics with her.

She had blocked me on Facebook at one point just like weird she was just so mad and she would be like you never stay from my set at open mics I'm like

I don't even know your name I don't know who you are that sounds like she might have been into you it was like she was so mad at me that it was she's just like a narcissist

that's something a girl would tell her boyfriend but she was like one of those people that like you stay from my set she's one of those people like she was staying at my friend's house and my friend and her boyfriend were like dead asleep and she couldn't find her jacket and she just like woke them

up screaming like where's my. She's one of those people where it's like her day. Yeah. And it doesn't matter what's happening with anyone else. It's like her day. So she was like that. So I think she just was like oh why wouldn't you stay for my. I'm like I didn't even know you were going out.

I don't know who's in the room when i'm doing an open mic but she i saw her once we were going into the same hotel and i was like upset about something i like left my ipad on the the the plane or something so i was on the phone with my dad and i was like upset and she looked back and like smirked at me and i just went you know we're done i went you know what we're fucking done i've done this for seven years i tried with you you fucking suck i tried to give you the benefit of the doubt exactly i always try because you're taking pleasure in me being upset you fucking suck you're one of the worst people i've ever met just don't fucking ever talk to me again we're just not even going to play this game anymore and then you'd think after someone calls you like the worst person in the world you would

act like nice and cool yeah we went up to we were both getting our hotel rooms so we go up to like the we're next to each other they get me like i'm on like the ninth floor or something and the elevators were actually really slow and i was like that sucks to be that high but who cares so i'm just like being nice having fun with the person getting my key or whatever she the person goes to her uh your room's on the second floor and she goes no it's not what and they go sorry that's where and she goes i'm not it'll wake me up i'm not gonna be able to be that close to the street or whatever and she's like i need a dip i need a different floor and like this is the only room we have available yeah and um she starts

screaming at them it's like this person's just at work you fucking bitch but i'm here i could have traded with her but i I wasn't going to trade. And I just went, see, look at you. The worst person I've ever fucking met. And I just never talked to her. And actually, the last time I saw her was my friend was, my friend's husband was playing on like a softball team. And it was random.

Like there's just random people in LA playing softball. And I went to one of the games and I just saw a girl punch a dog. And then I looked and it was her. And I went, are you kidding it was her i go of course you punch a fucking dog you wouldn't even know who she was i don't know i need to know it's probably fast because i would just anyway that's our light note that um punching dog note this is dayquil sorry this is three weeks of dayquil guys She's had nothing but soup rice all week. Rice soup. I'm fucking.

Lugau, baby. Here I am. Lugau is what we call our rice porridge. But also in your brain is Lugau. Oh, I'm Lugau. That's perfect. She's got Lugau brain. La Lugare.

That's your pop star. And then I pull a worm out of my ass. I call my fans the ass worms. You guys, thank you so much for tuning in today. Thank you again, Justin, for being here. Of course. A viral hit. Please, my God.

He ruined J-Lo. No, I didn't. He ruined her. On her wedding month, no less. The funny thing was, real quick, she was more pissed off about whoever recorded her singing at the wedding on her wedding month no less the funny thing was real quick she like was more pissed off about whoever recorded

her singing at the wedding because they all signed NDAs than like you know whatever happened she sang at her own wedding

oh yeah she's like this one goes out to my husband no wait I've been seeing this trend on TikTok mi amor

mi amor okay I there's this other one that I it was so fucking cringe but as she's walking down the aisle she's singing not j-lo but another person and i'm like probably your daughter got to stop yeah this is that i would be mortified if i was the husband it's just like princess diana gifting prince charles like a video of her like um dancing no is that what happened yes you don't

watch the crown no i didn't watch the crown love the crown i mean i love princess diana she can do no wrong but she was that type of person she was like charles is gonna love this and it's just a video of her like being a ballerina did you see the new game of thrones oh not yet i'm bobby and i'm 20 minutes in and i fell asleep but not because i wasn't interested the first one's good the second one i fell asleep but todd keeps going todd's never watched and he's like he's like oh the targaryens are are they um barbarians this is so contrarian he's like just makes fun of it he like hates it so much wow you should question your life with him he's the best he's bored with everything are the targaryens barbarians are the barbarians so contrarian?

no they are incestuarians I know like should I marry him? not marry him it is so boring was it so boring the second one though? but they have to have the boring ones to get to the good one the next one's like full battle right it will be it has to be

full battle with dragons they go after the crab feeder which is also Esther's Yeah I love her to death. I just love Esther. We only show that Esther. That's like how you should that's her love languages to just be bullied She's just she's just like Santino trash I'd listen. Oh, I know just gotta take her but that's the thing. You're like her sister So it's like we have to it is like We want y'all to shit on us too. It is punching down though. She is about two feet tall.

But we love our little munchie. We miss her too. And we'll see you guys next week. Bye guys.