Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - We Brought Back Fear Factor

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors: Athletic Greens - Go to https://athleticgreens.com/tuesday to get a free 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchaseUpstart - Check your rate today at https://upstart.com/tuesday Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsTrash Tuesday Merch: http://slugfam.comOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 Big Ears & Nose Jobs3:10 Expelling Air5:30 Obsessed With Hailey Bieber7:13 Khalyla’s Sunburn & Esther’s Back Pain10:24 Can You Actually Get Your Back Blown Out?11:44 Friends With Different Political Views20:35 Always Needing to Have an Opinion on Social Media26:08 Annie’s Review of the Movie “Men”26:54 Khalyla Fell in Love With an Exotic Dancer31:27 Lesbian 90s Music35:53 Carlos’ Weekend With Esther’s Parents40:40 Controlling Parents46:46 Imagining Ourselves as Moms48:24 Annie’s Embryo Results51:40 The Girls Ask Carlos About His Divorce1:00:52 The Girl That Was Extra Flirty With Bobby Lee1:06:58 Harassment Against Bald Men1:08:53 Fear Factor Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera Editor: Andres Rosende

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at Flappers Comedy Club, June 18th, just one show only. West Nyack, New York, June 24th through 25th. Then I'm taking July off and you can see me in August in Springfield, Missouri. September, there's a bunch of dates. Just go online. There's a bunch of dates. I'm taking July off and you can see me in August in Springfield, Missouri. September. There's a bunch of dates. Just go online. There's a bunch of dates. I'm going to a bunch of places, but these tickets will sell out. The meet and greets have been just absolutely on fire.

I love meeting you guys. I love signing merch for you. I have new merch coming. I also have a Spotify show, audio show coming out. It will be premiering June 27th. So that'll be fun. I'll see you guys there you guys i'm coming to washington dc austin oh i think phoenix esther on ice.com and also sleepover

by esther.com and that's it we love you follow me and all of us on tiktok follow us on tiktok i actually like big do you like big ears on guys i like when guys ears are poked out a little i like ugly dudes so i don't think you're the wrong person but whenever i hear someone like getting their ears pinned back i'm like let me see like i understand if some are like people do that yeah people get their ears pinned back. That's one of the OG... You get teased a lot in the Philippines for that. There's a word for it. It's called dunkug. It's like Dumbo?

It's basically when you have Dumbo ears. Yeah. What's dunkug? Is dunkug like Asian elephant? No, it's... Are elephants? My mom got her ears pinned back. Really?

Yeah, she did. Were they cute before? She... I think... I really thought they were cute before. Yeah. Jules has a little bit of an outie and um I she doesn't want to change it thank god she's just like I like it I like my little

dents it's cute if you're a little dense yeah Gen Z people like their their ear issues I might get a nose job that doesn't look like a nose job though because I cannot breathe through I'm like this bitch that's not a nose job then that's just a medical and they gave me a nose job i'd be so pissed annie how about this when i get it get it at the same time let's do i just want a straight shot i just want to be able to wait i'll get that surgery too because i feel like i have a hard time breathing oh my god we're gonna all end up looking so weird you know what i was told by my doctor it It was funny. It's a hormonal thing. So it actually happens to a lot of women. As we get older, we start to have difficulty getting air through our nasal passages.

It's harder to queef too. It's like all of our passages. Wait a second. I used to queef all the time. Annie. Where'd my queefs go? My queefs have arrived, it seems. It's like, where were you all these years i could never queef now it's

just that's all it is oh how embarrassing on the sleepovers you didn't get to be queef girl how embarrassing is that when i jerk myself off i'm queefing are you fisting yourself and why are you queefing at sleepovers no i wasn't the sleepover girl but you know this queef at a sleepover girl no, because you never stayed long enough. Oh, this bitch made her whole. You're such a based on a lie. Your whole life is based on a lie. No, I'm obsessed with sleepovers because I always had to go home in the middle of the night. Now you're old enough to like not get picked up.

You would still call Dave. There's no way you wouldn't like 20 minutes into our sleepover be like, this was a mistake. I eat all my popcorn and then I'm like, I have to go home. I know. We do have to have one at my house because I have the popcorn machine. I'm ready. Which has not been cleaned in about six months. Still ready. can you tell me about the queef and the sleep okay there was always a girl that could queef on command i might quick there was always a girl yes tiffany can there's always a girl that could suck it in

and and so this is just something like you do around the fire yeah i was never i put the fire out that's okay wait i have a question for the guys. I'm not a good queefer. Is Carlos, no matter what your sexual identity is, it doesn't matter. But what are your thoughts on queefs? Like, does it make guys cringe when girls talk about it? No, it doesn't make me cringe.

I've heard it. We said guys, Carlos, not you. I've heard it in real life. And I always kind of ignore it so that like because you don't embarrass them I don't want them

to be embarrassed or anything I'm like it's natural but you know you created that queef yeah the queef is like a cute I always feel like

we should name it like it's our first kid you know like we made this queef together like you packed that hair in how many kids do I have now

and I pushed it out how many episodes did it take for us to spend the first ten minutes of this this is our wholesome five it's gonna get crazy after this um i um yeah i think i have a a queefing problem oh i was like don't touch her i thought you're gonna be like i feel like i have a lump in my armpit i don't look like she was like telling us something bad but you know that's

why i got a boob job my whole life i've been obsessed with just grabbing boobs like even my own i mean getting a boob job tomorrow i grab my boobs so much and i love grab i will i will grab anyone's boobs anytime i know i like your nails they remind me of me i copied hayley bieber in her stroke video oh god isn't it just like there's just some girls i you just can't not copy she's so so you're on beaver's i've been on hayley bieber forever i know i'm so she's so i thought to talk of her um um getting ready is to get ready with me right before one of justin bieber's show and she hardly put any makeup on and she looked flawless and i'm like i gotta turn this how old is she though she's like 24 25 she's a snatch to the heavens okay

but here's the thing that i brought her up to whitney recently and whitney was like esther why are you obsessed with her she's in like a religious cult yes but who care i don't listen we don't care that's why she's so beautiful the lord loves her back listen if you love god he loves you back you know that right like ray leota is not talking about god is he and he's got the pockmarks from hell, okay? He's a Satan worshiper, a Satan worshiper. That's my favorite line from Family Guy when they called his face like a decorative autumn squash. I used to do a joke about when the Chantex commercials were big.

I'm like, I like Ray Liotta on the Chantex commercials. He was like, I tried everything. I tried the patch. I tried going cold turkey, and I even tried putting them out on my own face. Really? But even while I'm saying this, context commercials he was like i tried everything i tried the patch i tried going cold turkey and i even tried putting them out on my own face really but even while i'm saying this i actually do also like pockmark so also i'm teasing but i do like any little dent you have in your life and we love a celebrity who's willing to be self-deprecating about yes but also he's hot he's hot he's rugged

it's like and you could tell he got bullied in high school listen i'm all about the boys that were bullied in high school they have revenge they want to fuck it out of you you know what else guys who didn't have sex in high school that's my fetish yes but they have but that's because they'll fuck anyone literally guys that wouldn't get laid they literally will have sex they can't they can't say no oh my god you guys um something really tragic happened oh no why am i already laughing why am i I smiling? Why am I so excited? I know. Oh, my best show.

Best part of the show is when Kalilah tells us something horrible. Did you get another boob job? I like it better when she just tells us something horrible without warning and she does it in like a happy voice. She's like, yeah, you punched me through the window. And then you molested me when I was underage. What? Look, listen, the reason I'm wearing something so loose today is because I got a sunburn in a place

I have never gotten a sunburn before. And it's only in one spot I forgot to put SPF. And it's right under my right boob crease. What's that like to have a boob crease? Can we see? Esther, it's so bad. Yeah, is it peeling? Hold on.

This is such a cute outfit. Oh, my God. Do you see how bad it is? It's so bad. Yeah. Is it peeling? Hold on. This is such a cute outfit. Oh, my God. Do you see how bad it is? That is really bad. You got some titties on you. It looks like you got chafed up. It looks like someone was trying to fuck that part of your boob. How did you get that sunburn?

I thought, hey, it's California summer. And I laid. How do you lay out under the sun? Or let's say you're at the beach. How do you lay down? Face down, California summer. And I put, I laid, you know, when you, how do you lay out under the sun? Or like, let's say you're at the beach. Face down, ass up. I'm trying to get that asshole to even out with the rest of my skin. I don't know why it's such a different color. I tried a new move.

And that was putting myself like on a baking sheet, like a turkey breast like this. And then it lifted my boob up. But I guess I didn't put it under the lining of the two-piece, and it just took me out right here. I, listen. I can't wear a bra. I can't wear a bra. I've never seen you wear a bra.

Oh, that's right. You wear, like, kind of, like, sports bra bras, but. Wait, speaking of underboob and that stuff, so I've been. This is so mean. Okay, so, Annie. I'm out. And for these reasons, I'm out. So, I have been having some lower back problems lately and i

i was like i mean they're not that big she's like we she's like my my neck myth has been debunked and i have to say it's my lower back please please what for your fucking walks bitch that she's too huffing and puffing to talk i knew the minute i said my back was hurting i was just gonna get a beating. Okay, so I thought maybe like, because this is a new injury. So I'm like, okay, maybe it's from when I broke my toe. Like I'm compensating in a weird way. She's still hanging on to that toe.

I call it the Olympic toe. I just realized what it's from. And it's kind of sad. It's like I realized that I have been like protectively like standing like this because my boobs are starting to sag. And like basically I'm causing myself back pain by living in denial and sitting like this all the time. This is why you're getting roles. Finally, you're starting to get cast and shit, bitch.

Stick those titties out. We're going to need more numbers. We need subscribers. Stick your tits out. When I relax, they're just like a little bit like. This is not how you're supposed to sit. This is actually do not say like jay when okay when i went to the doctor for tmj he did this whole cat scan then he he saw how i was standing you have to be up like this and have your chin back a little i know you're trying to poke your chin forward bitch esther she is

right i think that part of the like but maybe you need to hold your core in. It's a core too. You gotta strengthen the core. But I have really bad posture so I have nothing to say about that. Although I will ask you guys, do people really get their backs blown out during sex? Is that a real thing? What does that mean? It would have to be like doggy style and they're pounding your ass like they're folding you a little bit. You know, they're like folding your ass up. Like an accordion?

Like where your toes hit your neck, you know? Like this? Yes. No, not like fold, but like folding you where your ass is going to hit the back of your head. I was thinking more of like a compressed spinal cord where it's like pushing in so hard that it compresses from one vertebrae to the neck. You guys got to get a hospital bed. I'm telling you. Or is it that guys blow their back out from pumping it up?

I know. I've never done enough effort. Did you just say you guys have to get a hospital bed? You got to get. I've been telling you this for months. Nobody is catching on. This is the wave of the future. You don't have to do anything.

He doesn't even have to thrust. And by the way, hospital beds, can you go faster? Can you guys thrust back if i'm in a good mood if i'm feeling charitable well the worst is when you when when you do when you're like all into it and then you fuck the rhythm up and i'm like all right the rhythm is gonna get you the rhythm of the night it's more the rhythm of the late afternoon i have a question for you guys um have you ever been dropped by a friend or someone like over

like not being fully in alignment with their political beliefs i love when i just kill the energy i know it's like we were really having fun there's a girl that i absolutely adore to this day and um she started kind of living in like i don't want to say it in a bad way because people can have their own beliefs about whatever but she started to kind of go a little bit like anti-vax like hippie conspiracy theory type person the the yogis for trump i love yogis for trump yes i'm doing a bit about it now i love it really it's so funny when did this happen like if you have dreads you like don't believe in abortion like what is going on she's probably also one of those girls that like live off like volcano in like Big Island in Hawaii, you know?

Would love to go, maybe you can take me. The day we leave, she's in a volcano. I'm like you fucking bitch. We can go to volcano. I need a redo. But we'll go to volcano first. Are we brave enough to do a redo? I don't know.

We'll go tonight. We have to drag, but listen, now we know what we have to do. We have to tie her ankles together and just pull her listen i will only go if it involves like real activity i don't like shopping but shopping's funny okay shopping lasts two days but the first couple i like going two hours two hours okay a spending limit and you humiliate each other you get each other stupid office this is very easy but annie and esther my we came to i love this girl so much we've had such a great relationship over the last eight years like she is a part of my family so we both decided that

we were just gonna never talk about it and we would shelf the friendship until the country becomes a little less like everything becomes a little less politicized so i'm just like i know her heart i love her i'm always gonna like look out for her but we're just not gonna fucking talk about it that's what my so my two uncles my mom's two brothers oh i got so excited you had gay uncles there one is like very pro-trump and one hates trump and they were getting into fights a lot and now they just they do they don't they just don't, doesn't come up. They don't go there, which I think is a really good way to handle it.

Right. Because then, then the machine isn't working to divide. That's why. You just find the things that you like, liked about the person

never had anything to do about politics. I've never met someone like, wow, our political beliefs aligned. Like I never had any of my fucking protests I went to when i was like made friends for life i never met one person i give a shit about at all honestly i

love i don't even hang out with anyone i put that pussy hat on i i bring this up because i i kind of got dropped by a friend over like political stuff a couple maybe like a year or whatever ago or whatever it was like i would say a year and seven months ago i remember it was i don't forget um and i'm like i find myself like when it happens you know it's like oh everything is going on in the world the pandemic all the news and then like now that it's been like a year and a half i'm like that is so weird can i take this one because Because I remember the situation. Yeah, but don't be like specific. But I'm going to, no, no. This was what my take on this was someone wanted to like have control of you is what

it seemed like. They wanted you to believe everything they believed. And the minute you were, because a lot of people when they get like really heated about something, they don't want to be challenged. And you not going along with everything that she wanted was challenging her and she couldn't just tell you no we're all on this team that we don't do these things and we don't and it's just like you had no freedom in that friendship it is yeah i and then it's probably embarrassing for her to be friends with you now because she it was dumb what she did i think you're right about the control thing it's like

because i i try now to always say like well why can't we all have different why can't I be friends with people who believe different things than me I want I want that like I don't know but I think you're right it's like you have to believe what I believe or you have to do what I say like I just but it was like an authority over you it was almost like she was but I think you kind of have that too right where you like you kind of like come to people like looking up to them and then she really enjoyed that role and the minute she realized like oh that's not like oh 100% all the time it is making you feel some type of way i'm shaking my foot your foot is no it was sad i know it's like sad you know what it is it's sad to not be friends with someone that feels like it's over something that is so stupid but it probably wasn't that it

was probably something else and i think it was probably like an underlying control thing but you have to know but it's not you even let's say it was your breath would that wouldn't that be her being a bitch and not you do you know what i mean like it's just whatever she was going through it's not you yeah you just like she was able to like that's true i don't take it personally right and she was using you as like a weakling that she could and then when she realized that's not what you were she didn't have room for a person that was going to like challenge her in her life. It has nothing to do with you. I would have to agree with Annie. Really?

Yeah, on that. I think it has nothing, that particular situation from what I know of it has nothing to do with any political views. And would you want to be friends with someone right now that was making you feel bad about things you were doing? No, I don't. I don't. I don't want to feel bad that I- Or like pressure in your friendships? No. Have you feel bad about things you were doing? No, I don't. I don't. I don't want to feel bad that I pressure and your friendship. No. Have you have you had

this happen to you at all? I mean, I got friend dumped by every girl I marched with. I got like a communal like, it was like, it was just, you know, there's like a mean girl situation going on when if one person has a problem with you, everyone unfollows you. You're like, what? Okay. But I am so grateful for that I really am because I was getting so worked up in that friendship and really didn't feel like it was a situation where I got myself into it and I was like people pleasing with this one friend and like giving her so much of my which I think you probably were doing with this other one giving her so much like oh okay do you want something like I was like getting her presents for

her birthday like things like things that weren't reciprocated that's on me that's not like up to other people too but it just wasn't like a healthy even relationship and then it was the same thing like when I wasn't like the Louis thing came out if I'm being candid when the Louis article came out and I read it I was like I don't have the feelings that other people have about this my feelings are not like I, like I feel like when there are consenting adults that it's a different situation. And I'm not saying it's chill

and great what happened, but I did not feel like it was appropriate during the Harvey Weinstein takedown to be equating what happened with Louis. I just didn't. I like,

I just have a different feeling from the things I went through. Yeah, but you know, more and more people are starting to accept the nuance of it all. Hopefully, you know, like during that time, it's almost like it had to swing one way so hard. And maybe it had to be that way at first. But like, my hope is that, you know, as time goes, we're able to see the levels of this game. It isn't just one, hey,

me too blanket that we're like hey like it's just so like hoping that we can have those nuanced conversations along the road without people being up in arms and saying like you're a rape apologist and it's like no i've been raped yeah and i apologize for that i'm very sorry formally but that's kind of how i felt like with these girls like they had not been like fully raped and then this girl said really they had it i'm like i've been through a different situation than you like i really have like and she said that um she told someone else that i said and i have no memory of saying this but i think it's so hilarious she said that i said to her like unless you can't be a feminist unless you've been raped which i'm like it doesn't sound like words that

would come out of my mouth but it's so funny and i'm like I'm making a t-shirt but also it's like aren't we comedians can't we like laugh and like yeah but I'm grateful like when I see this girl we're fine like I had to do a lot of work because she would always stomp and be all mad around me I'm like girl we have the best job in the world like no hard feelings I'm no interest in being friends with you I'm glad we're not hanging out but you don't have to stomp and be upset there's nothing to be upset can i say something i that you because you brought up the louis thing and this was so long ago but it's making me really realize why you and i will be friends forever because when that article came out we did not agree and we fought and then we would be like we'd be like okay we're not i would say like

let's just not talk about it. But we stayed friends. We still hung out. We still laughed. I would never give a shit. But we did not agree. We did not agree. Yes, and it's not.

And it's like, and I don't need you to agree. Like, I want you to feel whatever you feel about a situation. I have no interest in. I don't need people around me that I like to have open discussions. And my opinion on things can always change. Like, I don't. I was not in the room. I don't know what happened. I'm going off of what't i was not in the room i don't know what happened i'm going off of what i read you know so i don't know what happened

and i i can't i would never sit here and say i know how those girls fell or anything like that all i can do is go through like my lens of what i did and how i felt about it and but i change my mind every day on things i'm a loving person also a thing that happens in that like culture as well is like a lot of people be like what you haven't spoken out you haven't spoken out and i in general i'm like you know what just as you're talking this came to me like i don't need to have an opinion on everything because i don't really know or it's not my business yeah like i don't know or you're still thinking about what you want to say you don't need to smack it onto your like facebook feed or your instagram feed forever like the amount of people who fucking dm'd me and tweeted at me and essentially harassed me when like all that news about delia came out i'm like why am i looped in yeah what they don't because i know because i met jury duty

listen the amount of every day one of our colleagues is accused of fucking molesting or raping it's like it's like i'm on jury duty every fucking day it's like i already sat in court i like i but and it's like and then i get all triggered and i'm like yeah like i'll see a picture of one of them and i'm all of a sudden i'm like i'm putting on my suit jacket and i got like a briefcase i'm like we're going to court but i can't that takes my peace that takes my peace. So I have to wake up every morning and go, Do you know what I choose? Do you know who I think is innocent or guilty? Me, I'm going to just live my life and take care of myself because I can't. I will add to that, though, that there is some type of internalized

misogyny if you're placing the emotional burden on the women that are working around these men so now because you're playing jury duty and now these men have done what they've done now the emotional burden is of on you to have this very well thought out opinion and to have that in a social or in a public platform that is exhausting and then you're putting it back on women yes and i think that that in itself is a misogynistic thing to do even from a woman it is it's usually from when i love women i love men it's usually from we know you love women it was a lot of women being like you have to speak out you have to and it's like i'm i dropped out of college like i can't make like a public statement that's going to be one we listen her twitter's about like pancakes to understand it's like there's not a lot going on yeah i love athletic greens you both got me hooked on it yeah she drinks it before her light walks

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over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance you guys need to see the movie men immediately why it is like okay so it's a horror movie and it's like i don't want to give away anything but there's undertones of like a theme of like micro aggressive um toxic masculinity i mean was, I was livid afterwards. I was livid. I was like, the whole time I was like smacking Todd. I was like, they do do that. And then they do that.

And it's not all men, you know, but they have these different types of misogyny that you hit. And it was just like, it was just so, such a weird, crazy, fun. I love the poster. It looks so good.

Like creepy, but we're all laughing. Like weird things were happening. Did you like go see it? Yeah, it was really fun because I usually don't like going to the movies anymore, but I realized I laughing. Like weird things were happening. Did you like ghosts yet? Yeah, it was really fun. Cause I usually don't like going to the movies anymore, but I realized I have to go during the day so I don't fall asleep. You guys.

It was great. We're gonna switch from men to women real quick because something, I don't know if it's magical, but something really life-changing happened to me this past weekend. And I'm not just saying this. This isn't queer baiting. Like from the bottom of my heart, I fell madly in love with a stripper.

Esther, are you okay? I relate. So I feel good. I have fallen in love with a stripper. It was so embarrassing because after the private dance, she was like, because during, you know,

they'll say anything, right? Like when they're dancing for you, but she was saying was saying things like hey like maybe we should go like dive and like surf and stuff and i believed her because it was two very specific things that i like i believed you too and then and then afterwards she didn't ask for my information so i was like oh no it was just part of the dance so you i did the most the cringiest most embarrassing thing i pulled up my instagram which i had just deleted by the way to show her i was like hey if you want to find me on instagram just to show like my blue check mark so maybe she would contact me that we've all we've all done that we've all done it you guys and

nothing crickets really she was i don't know what it was about her, but I was just like, I had stars in my eyes. What did she look like? She was, I think she was. I don't want to say. Okay, okay. Because it's going to, if I give her the description, I think she's.

Okay. So she was, I think she was. Look at the way she's sitting. I think she was. She looked to me like she was like oh you got sunburned down there white um she was just she was i think you would find her really attractive carlos but her face it was her face don't you think it's gonna be easy for her to give birth look at this the baby would just slide i'm just gonna hug a tree and just fart one out would you guys want to have a home birth i don't know why i'm asking you i feel like i would want to plop it out in a in a puddle um i think teach you to swim right away

third or fourth if i got to number three i would probably um let one slide out of me at home this is carlos trying to pretend he's straight he's like for this pang pang one time uh me and dave went to a strip club in vegas and like i walked around and picked out a stripper to give him a lap dance and afterwards i was like doing everything i could to google and like with her fake name and i like eventually kind of found something that was like her on like a a playboy offshoot website or penthouse or something and yeah i'll always remember her she does not remember you at all. That's for sure. Unless there's a restraining order and she has to remember you for her own safety.

But there is a heartbreak involved in that because like you're so intimate. Did you like plan your like future with her in your head? I really did. I was like, we're going to be on the beach together. We're going to like dive. You know what you need? What? You need wing woman.

Yes. You need us to go okay what would you do eat her out or you're not gonna dip me and annie are the perfect duo we we will just make fools of ourselves we'll annoy her so much that she has to eat you out to get away from us you guys i was so sad the next day i got an IV infusion I never get one for emotional just for my emotions I was like I'm feeling really really down today and so I was like oh I'm gonna call drip we gotta get we should get IVs one episode where they're just giving are you okay with needles I can't yeah hell yeah no no I'm hell yeah I might get tattoos now because we I there

was a McDonald's in the children's hospital I went to. So every time I went, we got McDonald's. Were you the clown? What were you doing at the children's hospital? Were you the Patch Adams? I was a very sick kid, not to brag. But no, I loved shots and stuff. Were they just like, she's faking again? Wait, Esther, what age did you age out of the children's hospital? Because usually it's like.

Yeah, you could probably still go. So, you know, I remember like when I turned 18, my general doctor was like... Your genital doctor? That's what ours... My chief... I wasn't molested by my doctor. My pediatrician was just like, you know, you can still come for a few years.

You're 18. You can still... We can transition, make the transition slow. Oh my God, they fell for it they thought you were weak but then when i moved to la so but i still see the same doctor i've been seeing since i was 21 here dr shendra karr mine is dr villiam or he's passed but oh and now we go to the same one but i haven't gone to him in a year i go to mall doctors now you go to my doctor i know but i he's, you know, my doctor.

Oh, I have some updates. But I want to talk about lesbians first, okay, now that we're talking about it. Because I was thinking about how much I was having, like, 90s appreciation. I was at Whole Foods the other day, and they play literally the best 90s music. And the number one 90s music is lesbian 90s music. A thousand percent. Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge. Have you heard heart thrown into a fucking you can feel like

the pussy quivering out of their mouth like they like come to my window lilith fair lilith fair all of it tori amos lesbian but she is one you know but i was thinking and then it got me thinking of my favorite kind of like folky jewelry from back then and i got i found it okay and i want to bring it back before because I know we're kind of sliding into the 2000s now and before I want to bring this back before the 90s are gone my hands are ready I tried to get Esther a silver one but they just ignored me and gave me ear humpers do you remember these no they they're ear cuffs they're like little men and or women I, in this case.

Wait. Yeah, I want mine to be a girl. And they go and they cling to your ear. They cuff your ear. Wait, this is so cool. Yeah. Aren't they awesome? They're so good.

And they just hump your ear. I didn't know this was a 90s thing. Yeah. Esther, do you not know you're, as a woman who loves women, do you not know you're 90s lesb as a woman who loves women do you not know your 90s lesbians not really no because i was too young she was in the children's hospital i was downloading illegal pictures of naked women on my aim or whatever i had isn't it good i love it i know i try to get you silver but no i love i love mixing metals mixies. But I was just thinking like the, just the, have you ever heard? Okay.

So, you know, the song by the Dire Straits, Romeo and Juliet? Yes. So there's like a million versions of that. The Killers have one. But the one by the fucking Indigo Girls is crazy. It's number one. It's the best version. Annie, can you help me have this hump my ear?

When I think of 90s, I think of like Spice Girls. I guess maybe is that like late 90s? Yes. Yes, that is late 90s. That's me and Carlos' childhood. Yeah, exactly. Thank God you had a sister. So he did all the girl things.

Yeah, but I would think it's like... Well, Carlos can do the girl things. The equivalent of that late 90s that that is probably from the little fair the remnants of it is probably like someone like fiona apple oh we've okay so i've been going to amoeba records every weekend and by the way i'm a celebrity there it's crazy that we craft crossover records and amoeba and trash tuesday go together not what's not what you want to hear. Listen, it's crazy. The only person I know who goes there is Dave's dad. And Bobby. Okay.

Bobby's a big Amoeba guy. I mean, we've been having like the best time going there. We got the record player from the comedy store. 50th anniversary. And so we've just been going every week and it's been like, and I'm just, I really want a Fiona Apple so bad. I want, what's the name of the album

where it's just her face? I don't remember. But what we got was we got the Magnolia soundtrack. I got a limited edition $100. The movie? Easily dropped it. The soundtrack. So good. And the soundtrack has all these Amy Mann things and it thanks, they thank Fiona Apple because Fiona Apple was

dating him when he made the movie and was like his muse. Magnolia soundtrack one of Bobby's favorites. You Amy Mann is just so like just even the ending of that movie. I'm going to go I'm going to go on the 18th, I think, to try it. But I shouldn't be telling people this, but they're having it's like record day or something.

So they're releasing things that have never been released. And I want to get the Royal Tenenbaum soundtrack because that's never been released on. It's one of my favorite movies. Any Wes Anderson film is probably my top ten. Even the ones that aren't good are good.

Even the ones... You know who I befriended was... Fuck, what's his name? The reason I don't remember your name is because you fucking unfollowed me, bitch. The kid, I did a movie with him. The Long Dumb Road. Tony, he played the little kid in the...

What was the one in the hotel the russ anderson hotel oh the kid from spider-man yeah tony oh the guy from the the budapest one yeah funny yeah no he's great he didn't follow me yeah that's so funny maybe maybe annie is like too far for the tom holland zendaya spider-man world maybe maybe but that's a good thing they'll grow up they'll grow up one day yeah to me um you guys carlos came to the midwest with me and he spent the weekend at my parents house and i think this third this was the second time he's come and actually be there and we were there longer and i think my parents officially don't respect him because they were really fully themselves.

And are you okay? Like, I feel like you could have a lawsuit against me. I guess that is the case. Like, if they respected me, they would have been like on their best behavior. Yeah, they were on their worst behavior. Was your dad doing bets? No, that's like respect level like not respect level is like criticizing my order at a restaurant or oh i love these people maybe they just respect me so much they're treating you like

shit to like impress me well carlos ordered chicken tenders at portillo's and the whole time my dad was roasting them he was like oh does that come with a toy are you are you eating that because that's what skinny people eat no that's funny though that's no he's just being funny no totally he was just being funny but also to go to portillo's and just get chicken tenders that's sacrilegious it is weird but i got the beef sandwich yeah but i didn't eat all of it but i also if i go to the midwest and there's like crap in front of me or the south or anywhere it's like i need to order like the salad or whatever. Yes, I've been ordering very healthy at comedy clubs

and they look at me like I am absolutely crazy. What do you get? I do chicken tenders and like a salad. I don't even do the tenders anymore because I'm not – this is like – here's the thing. This – okay, the egg freezing diet leading into my TMJ diet has actually been so good for me because I do need a doctor to tell me to eat well like i do because otherwise i'm like it's fun to eat onions like and i do that's my heart like my heart is like white trash eating like it's fried cheesecake do you know what i mean

like this is i'm from philly we like cheesesteaks we like cheese whiz like it's just it's like a part of my identity that i'm breaking right now because i do want to live long i want to be healthy every time i realize like every time when i was like um thought I was dying on the toilet when I thought I was Elvis-ing I knew I wasn't gonna die because I really have this vision of myself like being the most amazing elderly woman like same level of annoying but like just old and light hopefully likable but just like I see myself peaking in my like late 80s my early 90s so i just have that image so i'm like i do want to do the things that prepare me for that yeah i do want to like not so you've almost died on a toilet you've almost died on a toilet and i think get on the

toilet we just start poking her for a long time people made fun of elvis for dying on a toilet but i think it is a you know, a good final resting place. Because like in the Philippines, we don't call them restrooms. We don't call them bathrooms. We call them CRs. Rest and peace rooms. No, it's a CR. We call them comfort rooms.

And I think that when we're feeling ill or whatever, it is a very natural thing to go find a toilet to die on. It is comfortable in there. Well, you know how dogs go off into the woods? We just go to take a shit. Yes. Our final defecation. I think so. I think there's something to that. It's not a bad place. Like it's you're it's comfortable. It's familiar. Like I'd rather be there than many places. By the way, I'm having the image of Randy trying to go into the woods and me being like now you're dying in my arms.

Um Carlos also came with on a drive by past my ex's house. How's the house looking? Does it have a no Esther sign? Is the color the same? Have they changed the sightings? Well, I wasn't there 20 years ago or whatever, but it was weird, because we were almost at Esther's house,

and then she was like, wait, we have to go back and do a U-turn and go on another loop to find this guy's house yeah my parents they you make them go to oh yeah my mom drives every time and dad in the front seat we were in the back there's a book about enabled that's all you are is enabled that's what all your problems are that's also carlos pointed out that i want to share this he you what did you say that you can see why I am the way I am? Yeah, it's like, well, you can say it. This is also enabling.

Say it. That my it's like you can't even try to help because you almost get in trouble. Like my mom. Right. Tell them. Was Carlos like, no, I'll fold her laundry. And then, you know, literally like her mom was like weirded out by the way I was doing things because I was doing it so messy and I wouldn't let her help me.

But like Esther isn't like allowed to do anything. Like we had coffees. All right. And like she took our coffees and dumped them out and put them in the trash can. But it's like we weren't even allowed to do that. So I can see how Esther can be really lazy or need like 50 assistants because like her mom raised her to not even do things on her own. But like, you know this already and this could have been fixed like 15 fucking years ago. Oh, I like when Carlos bites back. That does make sense and i think that i can relate slightly because while my mom was she was a

helicopter mom right very like abusive and whatnot i was not allowed to feed myself with my own spoon until i was 13 because it was a control thing so i was spoon fed until i was about 13 wait that's serious that's child abuse that's very serious yeah so it wasn't the same spoon she was whipping you with yes i could not choose what i would eat it was going to be six tomatoes pork chop with rice a big glass of milk every morning and i had to eat every morsel pork for breakfast yes very island style but um because she was i was her racehorse right so i had to she was like you're you're an athlete you have to be taking in these many calories but what happened was it was a built-in um um she rendered me useless

yeah as a teenager for a very long time so what happened when finally i was in america and she was like oh you got to do shit for yourself i'm like i don't know how yeah you think i'm going to clean my rabbit shit all over my room i love pet pet rabbit. I'm like, no, I don't know how to move. I don't know. I have no autonomy. Does any part of you miss that? The pet rabbit? No, the rabbit poop.

Like being spoon fed, I know that's like an extreme, but it does sound like someone picks out all the food for you. Like you make no decisions. Do you miss? Guys, I don't want to bring up the colonic again, but you know you can just get the shit sucked out of your ass, right? It takes all the good flora out too. Yeah guys i don't want to bring up i don't want to bring up the colonic again but you know you can just get the shit sucked out of your ass right it takes all the good flora out too yeah yeah i don't want to i miss my good flora no after that makes sense for me because i had a very um big crisis as a teenager because i felt number one like i didn't just didn't

know how to do anything so i doubled down and i made sure that i learned to do everything on my own by the time i was 17 i'm like i'm moving out i'm getting my own place i'm paying my own rent and i got out of my and then they just like moved in with you yeah like great we're moving in with you cool we have a new place because i was then aware that i was like i haven't been allowed to do anything make any decisions for myself including like if i would fold a t-shirt she would undo it and then refold it that's my mom too exactly my mom wouldn't do that but she would try to get us to do chores and we'd be like nah bitch she would just do it she would always make like chore charts and then but she would end up doing anything and then i realized

like i just had a really good hypnosis session that like has just literally cured me of every self-sabotage in my life it's so insane i realized what it was in the session when i was a kid and i would get i was such a perfectionist just from like, honestly, it was like verbal abuse when I was a kid, which I totally forgive my dad for. I forget, you know what I mean? But he was very, very, very hard on me and very, very verbally abusive, not physically. And so I got in my head that I'm like an idiot or whatever. So then when I wasn't doing things perfect, it would like reaffirm that.

And I remember if I wouldn't write, like if my handwriting wasn't neat, I would like like reaffirm that and I remember um if I wouldn't write like if my handwriting wasn't neat I would like stab the paper I would get so mad at myself and for not being perfect and then so my mom would see me like having these like internal battles with myself when I started like at the level of writing papers like fifth grade sixth grade and she was like I would get to a place where I'd be like it's not perfect the first line wouldn't be perfect and I would start to freak out and my mom would be like want to save me and she'd be like all right I'll sit with you and we can write it together which I was like okay good then it's someone like helping me kind of be calm but then she would just rewrite the whole thing she would just write it and then I never got to feel like the joy of

like finishing a project and stuff like that and I know it was coming from a sweet place. She was just trying to help and kind of like calm the waters and stuff. But I realized it really taught me, like I just had low self-worth in my like ability to get work done. And now I'm like, I'm remembering, I used to be like a fucking poet when I was a kid, no offense. But I would like when they would give me my word, my vocabulary word, I would always like write a poem or something. And I liked writing and now I'm like remembering that I had like joy in that. And I've just had like the best week of writing jokes and going through all

my shit. And it's just crazy. It's just so weird how like something that you're told when you're four can stick with you for so long. Having debt is very stressful. What do you know about debt like I know? Well, I don't know it like you know it, but I was broke for 10 years before this podcast started. I shared a studio apartment with a woman and I believe at one point you were going to join us.

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certain other information provided in your loan application. So go to upstart.com slash Tuesday. I can't even imagine how bad of a mom I could be. It's like, I don't even go there when people, like when I was pregnant, people were like, oh, you'll be such a good mom. I was like, what are you talking about? Who said that to you? Who lied to you? Three people said that. I was like, out of the thousands I told, no.

But yeah, I fully am prepared that parenting will be not great. But I think that that is an honest, when people are like, I'm going to be the best mom, I'm like, already you're going to be the worst. That's a really bad sign. Well, I will say the reason I'm going to be an elderly mother is because I was not up until the past couple of years even able to allow myself to imagine having kids because I was so angry. I had so much anger in me and I was getting so, like, triggered so fast and stuff that I was like, I can't do this to a kid. There's no, like, how would I not take that anger on my kid? That's what I learned from my parents, you know? And they now have like, they grew out of it. You know, my parents did work on themselves.

They grew out of it. They're, they can handle their anger now. So I had that example at least to realize that I could work on myself. And then when I really realized I had a problem and that's why I'm like never angry at like really that angry at my exes and stuff because it's like whatever toxicity they brought out in me was like a good lesson for me to learn you know it was like I purged some stuff and was able to work on it. Carlos. God damn those kids would have been fucked up. Same if I got if I didn't shmish more. I got uh my results of my embryos what do you mean how many do we have what species we have four they're human not yet one is not like not really good okay um isn't there like three tiers like can i have good you don't know and like not that good there

was like a mosaic or something yeah it's me yeah but here's the thing and then there's three that are like like really good so the good ones are 65 to 75 percent they'll work okay and then the other one is 35 so but they are all boys shut up shut up annie all boys i hope they're gay I hope they're all gay I do too you want all boys? and I hope that they're comfortable saying it wait

I hope I can bully it out of them this is crazy like oh my god like it's a boy so now it's so real we know that's so real it's so weird

well you could always go again but but then no I'm not gonna go again boys but then I was thinking about it and I was like let's have them all today I know But then I was thinking about it and I was like... Let's have them all today. I know. But then I was like, maybe I should donate, like, because it is weird, I feel like, to

just have them. So maybe I should, like, donate one to a gay couple or something. No. Would you really give one up? I'm thinking about it just because ethically the whole thing feels very, like, a little bit weird to me. Even though I know it's not, like, a full thing yet or whatever but it feels like if there are people that are like really dying to have a kid but i guess they could adopt too i don't know well people sell don't people

sell eggs and embryos all the time like that's not i feel like it's just weird territory i'm in and i never thought i was gonna make enough money to even be here and now I'm like past it and I'm like what did I do I mean I'm happy with it but what does Todd feel he's really excited yeah wait but how would you feel if like let's say you you gave one of these it would be so weird that's what I'm saying yeah I can't I would feel weird too like especially if you did it before you guys had your oh I wait I couldn't it before. Wait, I kind of would just to see. Yeah. Like, you know, just like, hmm, let's test it out.

Actually, I want that one. Can I have it back? Yeah. You raised it cute. It dresses good. Imagine if you gave one and that one's like the cute one. Well, they give you like

when you're before you do the procedure, you have to sign all these things. And they had an option where it's like you could leave your embryos in the case that Todd and I both die. Because it's weird. like a weird pre I know it's so real it's so real and I'm like I was watching Randy like Randy likes to like hump his toy but he wants to be touching me too and I'm like oh my god is this my future like little jerk-off boys there's gonna be little crunchy socks everywhere you are a boy mom I'm a boy yes you yeah well no you're a boy mom. I'm a boy mom. Yes, you. I didn't want to be, but I am. Well, no, you're a boy dad.

Tester. My son. Well, congrats on your boys, Annie. I know. Isn't that so crazy? Carlos, I want to, I have so many questions for you. Are these from marijuana? Of course. Can I have the bug? I want to eat it shut up yeah i want to bring it out right now during banana break banana break is for feeling good oh you want it on your banana

i'll eat it after banana break okay um carlos questions for you are you gay? I realize that you're kind of this guy who's always just been the sweetest gay? sweetest most accommodating you're like an emotional support animal for

a lot of us for women, you're not trying to fuck them you're around very much a safe harbor how long were you married? a lot of us for women like you're not trying to fuck them you're around like you're kind of into like very much a safe harbor a different gender how long were you married yes yes this is coming up because i told her how your dad asked us at holy for holy like let's get personal carlos what you know what let's get personal my dad literally goes so why did you get divorced and then i said i was too high to talk about

which i was i took like 300 milligrams i was like floating what happened in that marriage that you had to take 300 milligrams what happened i here's i feel like if you're married to me you get everything paid for but what if you're like that's just like where's my payment i'm gonna work but if you're just like a hot girl like, where's my payment? I'm gonna work. But if you're just like a hot girl who I had a crush on and we dated like three or four years in, I'm going to want to go downstairs and like watch TV by myself. Cause I don't really like you anymore.

After four years, how old were you when you were married? Why did you decide that she was the one you wanted to marry? How long were you together before you proposed? We were together six months before I proposed. Whoa. Yeah. Can I speak actually as someone who was his best friend?

I was like. Well, we're best. We've been. It sounds like I died and you're talking about me at my funeral. We've been very close for a long time. And I remember like a few of us being like, Carlos is getting like it's he's just it felt strange to me. He's young. It was new anyway.

Sorry. Keep going. I think it's like when you're young and I think when you're like under 30, you can just like you feel like you can do whatever you want if you have like access to funds to do it. And he's got rich boy problems. Exactly. So he was born. you felt strong about her i did but i should have just been her boyfriend for like two years but she said yes and was was it a big wedding was it a big yes was she into you was it a big yes that's a great question no it's real

um i think it was a medium yes actually she was She was like, oh boy. It wasn't like an oh boy. Because does anyone, okay, this is what I want to know too. Does anyone propose to their girlfriend and the girlfriend say no and then they just carry on? Yes, John DeWalt. Do they ever just stand up? They just stand up and they're like, all right, let's go get pizza. I guess I'll go return this ring. Do you know John DeWalt proposed to his girlfriend?

She said no and they stayed together. And then like, they're married now. I know, I'm like, I was so impressed with her. That's insane, he stayed with her. Well, no, it's more like, I don't think I'm there yet. Or if I said that 10 years in, oh my God, that would be a horrible thing. But if let's say i got proposed to in six

months i would be like hey like like i love you but this is fast and i'm not there yet i really like where we're going can we you know can we rain check yeah but that's like a mature response like when two parties aren't mature they're not going to make a mature decision how did you propose i actually don't know that in her prius oh okay yeah in her penis her prius oh her prius okay like you just busted the ring out and yeah but i shouldn't i mean it was like a prius which i hated just like a cock ring it wasn't a cock ring did you see it coming no so it was six months in wait no i think she did because you don't just propose to someone It was just like a cock ring. It wasn't a cock ring. Did she see it coming? No. So it was six months in. Wait, really?

No, I think she did because you don't just propose to someone out of the blue because that's kind of rude. And how long were you married for? Three or four years. How many of those years would you say were positive and that you really had fond memories It's like half and half. Was there fighting or just not into each other? There's like arguing.

No, because we were into each other there's like arguing no because we were into each other like we had sex while separated like that wasn't the issue was more like just arguing arguing like i'm just not someone you want to argue with if like yeah i'm just i can't imagine you being argumentative i can i can yeah i think you're i think you dig deep too like i think you cut deep yeah i was yeah exactly like in fights like i would say things that were so mean she would be like oh i should be the only person you're not that mean to and in my head i'm like but it's funny and it doesn't matter i'm funny well i her side. Well, I just feel like, you know what I'm thinking? No, she is.

I think she's right. I could fuck you up in a fight. Yes! I could fuck you up in a fight. What, you and me? If we were arguing, I could destroy you. We have fought. Yeah, but it was never real.

We've never gotten in a real fight. I'm always, if you've ever taken me seriously, I'm always kidding. But we've never been in a real fight. Annie is probably like one of my only matches in a fight oh sexual tension are we back to carlos having a girl oh my god we've circled back all the way around one time when did it what do you say about my ass at one time we were on the hike i forgot wait but yeah you remember like it was a yeah like we've said something about i think he said perfect i don't know it was something juicy or something perfect maybe i was wearing juicy pants though carlos

were you devastated or were you in acceptance i was pretty when i was dating todd um i was really upset and sad and i knew that it was right because I was mostly sad about losing my dogs. That's a huge consideration. That really was. But for me, it was more like, wait a second. I just got out of being married. I just turned like 31 or something. Like, this may actually be fun.

I got this cool new hairdo. Yeah, I was never worried about you about I'm ready to go slay Puss this long. What did you go to the wedding? Yes. I was Was it a big wedding? Normal size it was like a good-sized one. She but she didn't like you she did not like me like how how she did Which is a bad sign though to not like your funny friend I think a big red flag is not liking like if you're the girl not liking the guy's like best girlfriend or whatever. Like if you're dating me. If you've already come into

the relationship with this girlfriend like I can understand being a little weary if someone gets a new female friend and you're like all right well you're giving like the energy to them that you should be giving to this relationship. I had that in that relationship. I was friend, I was like becoming friends with this girl, Allie Siegel, who was like real, who's like funny on Twitter, who Esther knows. And like my ex wife was really upset about that. And that was like a big red flag for me. Cause I was like, yo, this is like a writer girl.

Like it doesn't mean. Were you attracted to her though? Of course. See, she just read you right yeah yeah and i think that um there are ways to be friends with women and not make them feel what she was feeling i think i just would never if someone's like married if a guy's married or something like definitely at this like i would never not like befriend his wife yeah equally i always i'm like can i come to your house for dinner or like i never never not like befriend his wife yeah equally i always i'm like can i come to

your house for dinner or like i never want to like be like a surprise to the wife like i feel like i only hung out with you guys like once or twice and it just i felt like i was i feel bad talking about this person but i feel like i was i don't remember perfectly but i feel like i was trying and it just got the vibe like she just didn't want to know me at all. And I was like, okay. Well, also like sometimes it's got to be hard. Like if you're in a relationship, like I remember my ex-boyfriend before we started dating when we were just friends,

he would be like dating these girls and we just got along so well. Like we would just be laughing and we were best friends. So it's like, so then they're like, wait, why are you having like more fun with her? Yeah. And it was just like, so maybe it was that. You guys just have a better rapport than you had with your wife but of course i have a better rapport with esther i've known her for so much longer and she's funny and we were in a friend

group together and yeah yeah but no girl i date will be funnier than like you guys or anything so like i'll say good luck finding her i um so you are gay when when i first started dating dave i was very much probably i was i shouldn't judge your ex-wife because i was like that with dave like he didn't even have female friends but if he did i would have like i would be responsible for their deaths like it would be bad so i don't judge her i had in college a guy who i was like who was like she was hotter than me so it's like what are you what is this yeah no i had i had a i had a guy i was dating in college who he was like really close with this one girl and it wasn't even like i was mad i was just like date yeah like date each other what if you know why there doesn't make any sense

you wouldn't be dating they're both like good-looking people they like loved hanging out with each other. Like they were just each other's speed. Like I just was like this thing that came in that didn't match anything. And I was like, just date. I have some goss for you. There is a girl that you know who I absolutely have no respect for even to this day. I'll tell you why.

In the beginning of me and Bobby's relationship, the first year, he didn't really understand um what would hurt me what would not hurt me what was inappropriate or maybe he didn't he just didn't he was trying to test you maybe he was trying to like test me and this girl we know in common um they would always have this like flirtatious banter and I'm like okay you have you're a comedian you I hope to god you have female fans. And this is the exact type of woman I really have trouble, like, feeling any kind of, like, warm feelings towards, even in my most, like, pragmatic state of mind. I'm like, wait, no, you are a disrespectful bitch,

straight up. Also false, just not a real thing. Yeah, in about two years into our relationship, or a year and a half into our relationship, they always had a friendly banter, and Bobby was always like you know um she's just a friend she's just a friend but she would really cross the line like on texting and say things like you're a king like wish we had you know wish we had a shot before blah blah blah and then but then bobby and i one of the reasons why people don't know this, one of the reasons why we broke up early on is because I saw a string of messages

basically saying, I want to raw dog you. Shut up. To her. Well, I was hoping it was to him to her, not her to him. Please cut to the point. I don't know how to grow a raw dog. Raw dog. Bobby, you sick fuck.

And this is like Bobby, like he was not. Also, I never imagined Bobby in a condom. Like look at your messy car. Like how would he stick a condom on right and um you know like this is early on in a relationship a lot i tell you this much bobby put me through emotional psychological hell he's dead to all of us every fucking years of my relationship the scariest weirdest yeah hung in there like a fucking soldier you guys because when i would get the text because he lent me his old phone that was still it was like his bat phone and i was like why are you doing he's so dumb about these things so his messages would still pop up and i was reading it on the phone that i was borrowing about him wanting to raw dog this girl

that's so funny this is what i would do i would go up to him i would say hey this isn't okay and i'll be crying this hurts me he's like i didn't write that i didn't write that i didn't write that off it's so cute and then i fell into this like deep depression and how he remembers that he was like i knew that i had like broken you because there was one time when I went into the second bedroom of our condo. He's like, I went in there and you were just like staring at yourself in the mirror in the dark. And I knew that you were deliberating like, what the fuck am I still doing here? And I was like, honestly, I was probably listening to Amy Mann. I was like, I probably was like really.

And then we finally had this big blowout over ikea dishes and we tell people like yeah we had this we broke up once because it was over ikea dishes but it was over the fact that he had such poor fucking manners when it came to like not making you know it's so funny prioritize like he would go to canada and he would randomly post pictures with a girl in like a photo booth and i'm like who is this oh my god so i have a similar thing um when i was 21 and i first started dating i noticed there was a girl at the comedy store who every time i was around tony and everyone knew we were dating she would touch him she would touch his arm she would touch his chest and laugh and I remember I and keep in mind I was 21 I just dropped out of

school like I hadn't had adult things I hadn't had like adult interactions yet and I just remember feeling like what is she doing like she this person knows that's my boyfriend why are you touching my boyfriend in front of me what's the point of that and it made me so mad and i was like i i don't like this person now i'll never i would never do that already but she's also just not a girl's girl doesn't like you either no this is the same girl that when i got passed to the comedy store by the way when i got passed to the comedy store i got passed right away i did not know what the comedy store was i remember and only cool girl only cool girls get that that's awesome. So I came in from New York.

I didn't know that the comedy store was like this. Everyone was like, who's this girl? She just got passed overnight or whatever. I walked in. One audition. Immediately was passed. And I fucking was good. But I think the reason I got passed is because I had no pressure on me.

I just thought it was a regular audition for a regular club. I was like, whatever. I was like, of course I'll get passed. So I got passed. I didn't even know it was a thing. Okay. And when you say a thing, it's like, there are a lot of people that work there, hang out there that they're just waiting for their shot to be passed. Like it's a big deal to these people. It takes a long time. And you know, sometimes the cream rises, the mint chocolate chip ice cream rises, the spray tan rises. The mint chocolate chip ice cream rises. The spray tan rises.

But anyway, so this girl was passed already. Okay, so then I meet another girl who is a long gone mutual-ish friend of all of ours. And she was like, yeah, when you first got passed, this girl was like, let's go to the comedy star and watch Annie bomb. I'm like like who is this bitch but i never but it was fine well it's like you know so obviously and so clearly that that was that person's insecurity talking and it had nothing to do with you but but at the time if i heard someone say that about me i'd just be like it was just so weird like who are you but also

who knows i probably bombed but probably also very nice to your face otherwise like that girl who bobby wanted to raw dog i would see her at like um ca events and parties and she would be she would just you could tell that she had done something wrong because she was just like you're so beautiful let's hang out and have a drink i'm like bitch i read it all i really wanted to say that i'm like i know all about it you know like this um this other one we were talking about she would always come up she'd be like you unfollowed me i'd be like yes i unfollowed you on instagram and i'll do it again she's like follow me i'm like i'm just gonna unfollow you i'm just you guys you know we can never make fun of carlos's bald head anymore right well thankfully we don't have an hr

department but it's considered sexual harassment in the workplace we've sexually harassed him we do sexually harass him that's but in england the courts are ruling that it's sexual harassment why because it's mean and it puts them down listen no be mean on the internet i don't want anyone to forget oh yeah petition guys no be mean so but if it's in real life, it's okay. Look at this. Calling men bald counts as sexual harassment. Why?

A UK judge rules. Wait, can I explain to you why that's disrespectful to bald-headed men? It's saying that it's unsexy to be bald. It's like it's sexualizing the hair on your head. And the number one UK freaking action star is Jason Statham, the fucking king of bald men. He probably is behind this. I won't be bullied one more time.

Let's hear from the person. The baldest person we've ever met. How do you feel? If you are called bald, do you feel sexually harassed? I don't feel sexually harassed. I just feel harassed. Yeah, but you're asking for it. You have the most obviously bald hair. What if I say

something like, I want to cum on your bald head? Is that sexual harassment? I want to see you queef at him. I think it is technically, but I don't care. I want to see you queef at him and his hair quiver. Klaus, I love that you're wearing a star-faced pimple patch. Oh, thank you.

I had one. Oh, that's a pimple patch. It's a very, very cute place to have a pimple patch it's a very very cute place to have a pimple because then you can just turn it into a mole really which was what we used to do in the 90s eyeliner suspiciously a cute place is that a real pimple or is that just a it was a red mark the pimple comes off when he takes it off it's drawn on well i didn't want to put it like right here like for the recordings i didn't want to put it like right here, like for the recordings. I didn't want to draw attention or anything, but I'm going to put one right there after it.

One right here. Wow. Yeah. This is really interesting. You want to eat the water bug, Annie? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to. I don't want to.

All right. I'm just doing it because I said I would. I don't want to. Kalayla to I don't want to Alright I'm just doing it Because I said I would I don't want to Kalaya's not looking Oh my god I'm not eating the whole thing Okay

Who eats these? Can you Can you show the camera Annie But not me What? I know what it's going to taste like They all fucking taste the same And they don't taste good

Yeah Real size Okay Alright all right i just like to get through my fears i think i come out on oh my god oh my god oh my don't look what are you doing is she really kalilah who eats these who eats these can you tell me because i feel like if i don't look at it and someone just shove it in my mouth, I can swallow it. But if I get a visual. All right.

All right. I want a drum roll. I want it. Wait. It's people in Southeast Asia. Sometimes they're boiled or fried. Okay. Hold on.

Hold on. Let me film this. Can I close my eyes and maybe someone can just shove it in my mouth? I'll shove it in something. Do you want me to? Here. Are you going to shove it in her mouth? No, no, no. Annie, eat it first.

What do I get? Do I get a reward? My life's already a reward, guys. Every day's my birthday. Perfect. There's really nothing I need. She's doing it. Oh my God, she's biting it.

Like it's a fucking, oh my God, the crunch. I'm gonna throw up. Look, I'm gagging. I'm gonna throw up. I'm gagging. I'm gagging. Oh my god, it's crunching like a Dorito. Oh. I don't like the sounds, you guys.

The sounds are not great for me okay taste wise Annie just give me a rating is it swallowed yeah dude you're disgusting you fucking freak

okay what the hell did you say what happened she spit it out and she burped it up? It's in the wall! What happened? She spit it out and she burped it up and it's in the wall. Just a piece fell off. A piece of him? Why did you know it was a boy?

Wait, Kalilah, keep your eyes closed. I'm going to put some in you. No! Esther, I don't trust you. Esther, I do not trust you. Carlos? Yeah. Carlos, I want to be a big girl, I want to be a big girl. I want to be a big girl.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. You guys, tell me it's something. Tell me what it is. Okay. It's going to be. Also, I don't want to swallow it.

Is it okay if I just crunch it? I think you need to swallow it. But you didn't swallow it either. I swallowed the whole thing. One piece I spit out. Okay Esther are you gonna be the one to put it in my mouth? Yeah Esther's the most trustworthy Well, you think I was afraid of the vaccine or a shot six boosters

All right. Hang on. Esther. Okay. Okay. How are you going to put it in? Don't worry. She's just going to do it.

Just open your mouth and just go for it. Tell me it's something else. Okay. It's something else. It's a scorpion. Just say it's a scorpion. It's a scorpion. It's a scorpion just say it's a scorpion it's a scorpion it's a scorpion it's just a scorpion you guys it's just a scorpion okay go ahead

good bitch good bitch you raped her that's rape what you did to her i just sexually you math you sexually assaulted her and you deserve to get hurt wait carlos delete the tapes wait i opened my mouth and i was almost i was gonna crunch down on your lips you did you bit me esther careful that was the most rejected i've ever felt because you didn't know it was gonna be me kissing you and i did and you're like ew ew don't do it i was like did she peek i was like she must be peeking i just kalilah i don't want you to be too scared but part of it came out of andy's mouth and is now on the wall do you want to see it it just looks like tar oh my god i'm like at least i got a kiss you had a bite you had a bite i loved it i feel accomplished i feel like i got through something it took me a week to really get

myself worked up for it i can't believe you came back strong and i was ready to do it how did you get yourself there i would have done it last week but i wasn't supposed to eat before my colonic are you sure cockroaches don't count how are you guys feeling right now i feel great i feel protein i feel i feel like i'm back in a childlike state of terror where they used to fly into my hair and i would have to crush it they. That is really. They would eat at my shins. They would be in the middle of my textbooks. I wonder what it is. You know, here's what I think, guys.

The eyes were weird to me. My next tattoo is going to be of a cockroach. Okay. It's going to be a cockroach, a pigeon, and a rat. Can you get it going into your mouth? I think that that's, I think ultimately I have so much respect for them. The fact that they can live without their heads for 20 days the fact that they probably live through like prehistoric times the

fact that they just really don't know how to die that's really sweet of you also roaches are um Josh Potter's fans he calls them roaches isn't that cute that it's roaches and slugs oh well um my heart rate whatever happens to your body when bad things happen. That's what I'm going through right now. I don't feel good. So I think that's time to go home. I feel great. We started out with you kind of not feeling good.

And we got back and we got back to it. And now I feel very good. Her feeling bad doesn't make me feel good. That's why we're good friends. We balance each other out klyla thank you for being brave and he was the bravest one i know but i already was gonna be are you do you feel sexually harassed by me um no if i had i known i would have puckered up and give you a full one well next time well baldy baldy cakes over there how, baldy cakes over there. How did baldy cakes feel?

I don't feel sexually harassed. Just harassed. But it doesn't, you want it. You would cut, if you didn't want to get attention for your bald, weird looking head, you would shave the little crispy. This is like what rape is saying. Like you wanted to ask for it.

No, he is asking for the beating. Why do you keep it long and scraggly? Because I had it shaved for so long. I just wanted to like rebel against that. Right. Rebel against what society thinks is attractive. And that's how, you know. And he's calling me unattractive.

I'm getting you. I can't wait for the next. We have to do another live because the wigs that I have in store for you. They're wild. The wigs. The wig budget. The wig budget. The wig budget is, by the way, guys, the wig budget is more than any other budget on this show.

I'm dropping cash for this. You think the Celine's are expensive? Wait till you see these wigs. You guys, thank you so much. Today has been a wild ride and we really hope that you comment and subscribe and show support and share our show with your friends we want to grow and take over all the other podcasts bye guys bye guys

do you want us to do it i think that i want to be brave like annie i just need you to tell me it's something else so then i'm inspiring bravery i cannot see it Just shove it in my mouth. Once it's in, you just want to finish it. Carlos or Esther. Actually, I trust you, Esther. I feel like Annie would just like lob in inside my throat.

I actually physically can't fucking touch it. I'll do it. I can do it. Oh my God. I'm going to do it the cute side first where it's not as gross.

It's just... Well, don't say sides or what it is. Yeah. It's a scorpion tail. Tarantula. It's a piece of beef jerky. I love beef jerky.

Good. Yeah. It's just jerky. Annie. It's just jerky. Listen, Joe Rogan, Mind Over Matter. Mind Over Matter. Okay.

This is Fear Factor. You're going to win a million dollars. Okay. A million dollars? Yeah. Annie, don't shove it in just let me just okay i'm placing it in front of you i just crunch open wide now oh my god oh my god oh my god'm going home. I'm fucking going home. I don't want to do this anymore.

This is not comedy. This is abuse. Okay. Hold on. I'm not done. Go ahead. You're not done. You're sick.

I'm not done. I'm not done. You're sick. Tell them your mom's been here. I'm not done. Eden'm not done. I'm not done. You're sick. Tell them your mom's been through it. I'm not done. Eden, racehorse, Eden. I just need it. Eden, I didn't even cry.

Bobby's dead. Forget it. Don't let me touch it. The side is the same side. Hang on. You're crying. I know. I put your right hand down.

Now open your mouth wide. It's a scorpion. It's a scorpion. It's just a scorpion from the island this is like not fun okay it's a scorpion it's a scorpion it's a scorpion scorpion scorpion you did it you did it you did it. You did it. You did it. You did it. You did it. Everyone's puking.

I'm fine. I don't know. What you just did is... Can I tell you something? Something's really weird with you. Why did you want to do it? You're fucked up. I think it's because I'm so terrified of it that like, I want to wait.

I want to wait out. I really want to wait out. They've just terrorized my life for so long. And I'm not kidding you. They're called water bugs because they make water come out of your eyes. No, they're fucking cockroaches. Let's just call it what it is.