Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - We Crash Esther's Vacation

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

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it's free shocking that esther that's what you were about to say right yes it's free uh-huh it's always number one on our list it's free everyone wants to freaking start a podcast this is the easiest way we're about to tell you there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and and and they will distribute your podcast for you so it it can be heard from spotify apple podcasts and all of the platforms basically also you can make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership the best i mean imagine that that's like the lowest that's low pressure everything you need with anchor everything you need to make a podcast all in one place just download the free anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started hi guys you can see me

i'm back on the road having so much fun you can see me at the brea Improv with Josh Potter opening for me on just one night, the 27th of this very month. And then you can see me again, August 27th and 29th at the Hartford Funny Bone. On September 30th to October 2nd, you can see me at the House of Comedy in Dallas. Hi, I'm Esther. I'm Kalilah. I'm Annie. And we're in Palm Springs. And I don't know why. Well, well, here's what happened. Esther, you said you were going on a family vacation. Yes, I did. Wait a second. You're not allowed to have any fun without us. Yeah. Are we not family, bitch? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess we have to crash this and show her how important

we are to her. Annie and I called each other. We said, pack your little whore bags. We're going to crash this love, family love affair. And I found my sluttiest outfit. Her sailor hat.

Oh, sailor hat. So here we are. We're in some version of a Super 8. Annie chose tacky. The colors are bright. This is the nicest hotel room I've ever been in. I don't know what you guys are talking about. So welcome to our last minute Palm Springs episode. Plus my parents are here. so far it has been a hit or a bust for you i think it's a i think it's a hit thus far it's been about i've been here for 15 minutes nothing crazy's happened george did forget the big bananas

so that is an issue that will need to be worked out within the next 20 minutes do you not have any snacks for us um like i said it was hard work bringing the baby for the first time. Oh, that's right. I don't care about your baby bullshit, okay? Your wife has to handle the baby. You're just the guy, okay? I actually handled the baby for an hour in my arms. Here?

Oh, is the baby here? Mm-hmm. Did you shake him a little? He's so cute. I couldn't do anything but just stare. Oh. I love little things. Oh, Tommy. you're so cute i couldn't do anything but just stare oh i love little things oh tommy my young man is here and he went over to tj maxx to get me a swimsuit got me two options your dog or your

your husband my husband you really are pushing the marriage narrative well the way are you trying to get a joint wedding i was listening to you talk about todd on a previous episode and you're talking about who's dying first it's like well there's listen that's marriage babe is of death it is well all my boyfriends i think that with that one will die that well you think about why i usually date like fat disgusting drug addicted monsters so I literally watch them sleep thinking, is this it? Is this the last breath? What's it like so far, Palm Springs, with your baby Esther?

So far it's been great. This is our first time to Palm Springs, and it's been amazing. It beat our expectations. I enjoy the heat. And we go walking every morning. Esther's been amazing. It beat our expectations. I enjoy the heat. Yeah. And we go walking every morning. Esther's been very cordial.

Cordial. Does she walk you like, does she hold you like this? Both of you? Her arms out? I'm surprised at her newfound matureness. Oh, it's fake. What was it like before? Let's say immature Esther. What would Palm like before? Let's say immature Esther.

What would Palm Springs would have been like with immature Esther? I want to go home. That's how bad she hates her house. She likes Palm Springs. So this is the first vacation we've taken together. It's been years. But I have to say that she has planned and coordinated everything. She's like taken over so and we just showed up that's it so and what else was it like in the in the past

we do all the work and the planning and the coordinating while you just lay there and now when you're doing things for esther is she going do more or is she like this is enough well she had a breakdown in target and she says you have to move here i'll do anything i don't care what it costs you have to move here she honestly does seem like she is searching for you guys and her friends it's just when my mom is there it's like she follows me around and like picks up after me. Right. Which is what you've been trying to like.

You've pretty much been auditioning friends. Yeah. But you know, Esther, I am the exact same way. I am a very actualized adult until my mom shows up. And I am I've completely regressed into just being an absolute child. Call my hair. I just don't want to do anything when she's around just because, you know. And in fact, we drove.

This was her thing. She wasn't supposed to come to Palm Springs. I decided to drive late last night because I needed a car and I asked to borrow her car. And she was like, yeah, only if I get to come as well.

I'd come with the car. You treat me to a breakfast. She's like, you can borrow the car. She was just seat belted in it. Yeah. Treat me to a breakfast. I get to have a margarita by the pool and she thought that that was the vacation but as soon as we walk through this door i was like ma can you do this can you do this and the whole night she just massaged my head she's like that's not what i fucking signed up for you know oh that's

nice so she's here she's here yeah she's having a margarita at the pool. She's hitting on my boyfriend. Oh, you know what? Dave and I had a margarita last night. You split one? Yeah, Dave and I did. My mom has not had alcohol since I was born. Really? And Dave, she like... But she had it while she was pregnant with you? Yeah.

A lot of it. But why did you have a margarita last night? Just because Dave wanted it? Well, yeah, he didn't want to drink alone. So I thought, you know. Poor Dave. He's been drinking alone this whole time. Now, do you love Dave more than you love me? Well, we all love Dave.

Everybody loves Dave and we seek his approval. Everybody does love Dave. Now, how does Dave act around your parents? Is he very doting to them? Or does he do that sort of Dave thing that makes you want more? He takes care of us. Yeah, he's very nice. But I like what you said about when your mother's here,

you revert back to when you were a child. Yeah. Do me, Mommy. Do me. I'm your sister. Can it be helped, though? I just don't think it can be helped. Well, the mother likes it, too.

Yeah. Yeah. Esther, I do my laundry unless my mom's with me. Then everything is folded for me, and I sit there and I beg her to cook for everything. Mommy this, mommy that. Dave and I have gotten into fights before because Dave doesn't like when my mom does his laundry. But every time she comes the first thing she does is start doing our laundry why does he not like it he just says it's weird that she's

like touching his stuff his doo-doo pants I know Bobby has no problem well Mary is not happy unless she has a load in the washing machine well Esther's not happy unless she has a load in her pants I'm not the type of person that just can sit still i have to keep moving if i see a mess i'm gonna clean it yeah oh exactly like my mom in esther she has that but she doesn't actually do it and so she's just sitting there with it rolling in yeah i'm just sitting there like wanting it to be done but there's no way i can move your head is like spinning though like i gotta clean I gotta clean and you're just like that's why this is a vacation because I mean it was perfect because if we were at her house I probably would have organized it from top to bottom yeah well

we'll be there tomorrow this way it gives me a chance I will say that first morning I did wake up and I went into her room and I just started folding and going through stuff and organizing. What did you think of the state of my house? It's in bad shape. Better shape now. And this is not an act. This is the way she is. She can't stop.

I think she needs medication. But what was your life like before Mary? Were you a slob? Kind of. Yeah. If there's a word under us or over us. Yeah, yeah. A little bit.

You were a slob. Yeah. But what was your life like before Mary? Were you a slob? Kind of. Yeah. If there's a word under us or over us. Yeah, yeah. A little bit. You were like one step up slob? Well, I was a bachelor.

I hadn't been married until I was 44 years old. Oh, what a dog. Yeah. Were you dating a lot, though? Not that much, but I was 44, and my wife was 28. Wow. And my lawyer said I should have adopted her. I was 44 and my wife was 28. And my lawyer said I should have adopted her. Oh, my God.

The dad jokes have begun. And that was just for me. Wait, how did you feel after your first sip of alcohol in, what is it, 30 years? Over 30 years, right? Yeah. She wanted more. Well, no, I felt a little tipsy. But I was like, I stopped.

We didn't finish the drink because afterwards we went for a walk and I had to hold on to it. Are you serious? And I didn't want to wake up with a hangover. It's hard to fold when you're drunk, too. You've got to have those folding hands ready and able what did you guys uh listen to on the way over here like what what's the general theme and vibe can i guess esther complain on road trips we don't i don't like if it's a so this road trip is only two hours and for me that's not enough to warrant like a playlist i that's only enough time for talking so i would need to be like cross-country

to have like a playlist or a podcast but i in fact i was thinking because i need a new car you know in the next few years um and i was thinking that the kind of car i want i want it to be a car where the front seat and the back seat are close together so that it's easy for everybody to hear each other when you're talking if you know if everyone's in the car because it's called a coupe dependent it's called a miata just crushed it it's a weata because my dad in the back seat like or you know he was the front seat and he he can never hear but he's hard of hearing he needs hearing aids i know and are you resisting them my dad's in the same place you don't want to be an old man right you don't want it no it's no he doesn't want it because it costs money right

but doesn't it doesn't insurance cover No. You get fucked when you're over home. You get the one with the horn back. That's the one thing that other kids don't pay for. Do you want a hearing aid? I'll buy you a hearing aid. Only one though. While you're at it, give him a TV that has closed captions

and Bluetooth so he can wear a headset. That's what my dad does. So I don't have to listen to it every night. He has it cranked up all the way to the highest volume and we fight every night. I'm like, turn it down. Turn it down. But you guys have the extra bed.

Like I feel like if it was me, I would just want to sleep separate. I threatened to, but he doesn't want me to sleep in the other room. I'm like, are you ready for separate rooms? Yeah, is this going? Is this happening? I'm hoping he'll say yes. Who's going to make my bed? She'll come in.

You know she'll come in. I know. She'll be drinking her morning coffee or tea and making her bed. Margarita, I know. Now she's a drunk. This is actually an intervention we all got here together to tell you, Mary. We're very worried about you. morning coffee or tea and making your bed margarita i know now she's a drunk i'm actually this is actually an intervention we all got here together to tell you mary we're very worried about you two empty bedrooms so i can move into you know either one of them now that i stay in the

basement i guess you can have my room and to esther the upgrade is the basement how do you guys feel about that she's finally i'm so glad she's in the basement now less trouble in the basement i like the basement have you have you slept in a basement lately um we didn't have basements where i'm from they just had dirt on the ground in the philippines in the philippines yeah palm trees so at attics and basements were really like american novelty for me so the first time i ever saw someone's attic i was like what do you only see it in the movies is that why that's why you're into bobby because he's an addict yeah so the first time i went into like a friend's attic in high school i was just so just

that's what i saw in the movies yeah like it really is those are the those are like the nefarious floors it's the attic yeah cool and one of really is. Those are like the nefarious floors. It's the attic. Yeah. It's cool. And one of my favorite movies growing up was the Christmas Vacation National Lampoons with Chevy Chase. And I remember that scene where he's up in the attic watching that old movie of his family. And then, I don't know if it's Randy Quaid. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if it's him who pulls the thing down. I think it is, yeah. Yeah. But that whole scene i was like stuck in my head i was like they have those little mini things in american homes and so it's really cool so no i don't know what it's like sleeping in a basement i lived in the attic i lived in the attic our basement wasn't finished your room was in the attic yeah they like finished the attic was finished though so it was like you're you had the attic room they put the girl

there well my older brother timmy had one And then it was my dad's office. But then I traded. But then I was smoking cigarettes. So I went. I know. It was so bad. And then not anymore, though. Look, your dad's kind of into it, though.

But Mary, you got a little competition. We have a spark. But Esther, how would you feel if I became your new mother? Oh, my God. Yesterday, my mom wakes up and they're talking about their ages. And my mom's like, so in a couple years, your dad will be 80 and I'll be 65. And then she goes, single and ready to mingle. My parents are nine years apart, but you guys really, you beat them out big time.

Because it's 15? Yeah. That's a big, that's a nice. Do you know what's crazy? On this show, I mentioned a few weeks ago that my parents were married in a courthouse by a blind judge in Chicago. And I got a DM from a listener who was like, hey, you should reach out to the comedian Mateo Lane because his grandfather was a blind judge in

Chicago. Mateo Lane from New York? Yeah and I reached out to him and his grandfather married my parents all because a listener of the show messaged me I found out. Ten dollars. Yeah I had to go grab the marriage certificate and verify. It was ten dollars to get married but you slipped him a five because he was blind i want my money back yeah is that how you guys got married in a courthouse dream come true absolute dream wedding is courthouse wedding why did you do that well i was married before and i didn't need another wedding and he didn't spend the money wedding and he didn't want to spend the money and he was i didn't have anybody to invite because all my family was out of state and out of the country and he felt like if he had a wedding he had to invite all his aunts and uncles and his cousins my father had 13 brothers and sisters oh wow and

my mother had nine so i always feel like the big weddings seem to be that's got to be so disappointing for people anyway it's like do you want a big wedding it's just so much money for nothing it's like for one day at least a hundred thousand dollars like that gets you like a small not that big like it's just it's so much money. It's crazy. And do you know there's a new show out? It's like they have couples on and they just, each couple has to decide, do they want, I think they get $50,000 or something like that. And they have to decide to either put it towards their dream wedding. Or a mortgage. Or a down payment on the house.

And is there anything crazier than picking the wedding over a house? You could have the wedding at the house. But everyone picks the fucking wedding. What? It's really weird. Well, we know a couple that, remember that kid that I used to work with? His wife's father asked them if they wanted a nice wedding or a house. I mean, not just a down payment, a house.

Yeah. And the wedding was $200,000. I don't remember who. And they chose the wedding. They did? That's why you don't remember him. Forgettable. How dare you make those decisions.

We were at your house. Well, anyway. I think it's a clear-cut choice unless the show was, do you want fifty thousand dollars for a wedding fifty thousand dollars for a down payment our house or fifty thousand dollars worth of crab legs it would be a little bit tough for me that would be the one that should be its own Netflix show yeah that is crab legs or mortgage fifty thousand dollars worth of sushi I feel like I it's a lifetime of wait that's not a lot oh you're fucking yourself

that's i'm sorry i shouldn't curse in front of parents you're bamboozling yourself yeah you're right because in front of them do curse yeah are you kidding i don't even remember if you curse i really get so confused when i see you in person i'm so used to you gotta be kalilah i heard that this episode today is sponsored by blue chew it is blue chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as viagra and cialis but in chewable form and at the fraction of a cost and they deliver to you so you can deliver it to us you know the big thing do you have to say it like that you guys stop blue shoes tablets help men achieve harder stronger erections to combat all forms of erectile dysfunction blue chew is an online prescription service so no visits to the doctor

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dermatology visit that's a-p-o-s-t-r-o-p-h-e.com slash bath girls and use the code bath girls to get your dermatology visit for $15 off. And we thank you apostrophe for sponsoring this podcast. Esther, if you go to Japan, they take these big tuna fish, right? And they're worth millions. Right. They're they're big. 50,000. You get a slab. So yeah, you're i'm think thankfully you have me for that intervention i would never have you choose the sushi sugarfish okay fine fifty thousand dollars of oat milk lattes that's a better choice just have a small backyard wedding you know immediate family and say your id dudes and you're done with it yeah but you wanted a dance number yeah i here's one

thing i was thinking that was appealing to me lately was if i could put on like a really like a romantic gesture musical number for dave a review he'd be so embarrassed by the way there's nothing more embarrassing all your friends flash him as you're doing it no i would do a big musical review in front of him and all his friends family and be all about how much i love him that that appeals to me what and if you did just pictures of him throughout his life but there's none of you it's just him oh that would be like his childhood bedroom one of all three of you get married at the same time i know we're gonna try if we have kids we're gonna try to together. Well, let me just say that. Did we tell you

that you're going to have a kid with us at the same time? No, I remember. Yeah, that's for sure. We already, that was a blood pact, right? I told Bobby, I was like,

look, this is the deal. I made a deal with those devils. We're trying to get our ovulation all together. Wait, let's talk wedding though. That would be fun if we. You are, when we first started the show, you mentioned to us i'm half engaged we're unsure of where that stands

we can get a hold of that blind judge oh my god 25 bucks to do all three accidentally should be married to todd you're you're stuck with bobby bobby married himself somehow i would would marry Bobby for the clothes. Good choice. The clothes sharing. Yes. Now, what do you mean you're half engaged? Because you told us that this was kind of happening, it seemed like.

Right. So he had asked in a very nonchalant, very unemotional way. And I rejected that. And we sat down in therapy. And I was like, look, I'm not normally somebody who likes weddings or even cares about ever being engaged. I was like, but the way he asked me made it just altogether worse for me. I wish he hadn't even asked at all. I wish we had just gone our whole lives together, never even mentioning the thought of a wedding.

But the way he asked me made me feel like, oh this relationship over how did he ask you he said uh plan the wedding that's exactly how we said it hey he was i like that it was a command it wasn't even a question it was like he just commanded you yeah he was he i was packing his clothes for hawaii packing his suitcase and he was like hey babe plan a wedding i'm gonna go play war zone and then he went back to his video games i was like you know what would have been awesome though if as he said that and you were packing his things like in the bottom of his thing like in socks it was like marry me and there was like a little something something any gesture would have been fine besides that gesture now this brings me to the next question is annie would you like would you marry todd and what would that who would propose to who who gave her this gene

this is a very uncomfortable gene it's a very like inquisitive if you're uncomfortable it's from him but if it's no no we live no we live the same life uncomfortable is my dad nosy is my mom listen jokes at you is your dad mean ones about you is a combo I don't know by the way that was really funny when I walked in and I said I'm so fat

today and Annie was like it's just your mom is in town you're not fat your mom's in town we've all been through it okay I feel the exact same way the honest sharp tongue of a mother esther you and i actually have a lot of things in common what um when i'm we're both beautiful well yes but my mom is very fit and youthful and in a lot better shape than me so when i'm standing next to her um my self-esteem collapses I'm like god um somehow yeah I just and she she always says things like don't worry you're just like me when you get pregnant you're

just gonna snap back like that I'm like I don't think so I haven't had a baby and I haven't snapped back I know I'm waiting to snap once I Esther, you really embraced the part of Palm Springs. It's like a retired older person that wants to play golf. Just be comfortable. Yeah. Well, my mom never says you're just like me because she told me that when I was in college and I gained weight, she's like, you gained more weight than I did when I was nine months pregnant with you. But you were a two pound baby. That does help.

That's true. But what would a proposal with Todd even look like? I mean, I'm definitely not ready for that. I think I would be like, we don't talk like we're going to break up at any point, but I'm definitely not like like i make it clear that here's what i really like about russian you walk down the aisle i'm not i'm not like yeah it's we've been together a year it's it's all been in covet i'm excited to get life back to normalcy but i you know i've never had a better boyfriend i love him i love todd yeah he's he bought you

two so you oh my god he's so dead to me because of those. Actually, I forgot. Can you pass those to me? I'm single. I don't know if I'm not going to marry him. Here's what happened, guys. So Annie, we're at a party. Is this a party motel in Palm Springs? And Annie said, Todd, go get me

some swimsuits. I think that he did a great job. Look at this. This and a high waisted. No. Why would I want a high waisted? And then you threw it at his face and said you're single. I wish it was. No.

You know what you don't like is that it's high cut bikini. It's disgusting. But high cut. No. You don't want not high cut. Yes, I do. I just want a string bikini. A regular thing that he sees me wear every time.

Oh, you want a string bikini? I get a tan. I'm out. It's a tan. Oh, it's a tan. You're right. So I'm going to have a line right here? I get a tan. I'm out. It's a tan. Oh, it's a tan. You're right. So I'm going to have a line right here. I wear my stomach out.

I actually don't think, look, it's a U-back. Okay, that one is hideous. It's like, what grandmother did he get that for? That one is weird that he got it. But guys are stupid. Guys are really stupid. I also said, do not get me a one piece. They have no sense of fashion.

No. Dude, one time, you know our friend john campanelli he during the pandemic he was going to the grocery this is like before like i was going to the grocery store was like right when it started and he was going to the grocery store so i was like can you please just get me some garlic like i'm about to cook something i just need garlic and he comes over with two onions and i'm just like he's like oh i thought garlic and onions were the same oh no who raised them guys are dumb he was like it's just got i feel like some guys just they they're like lacking those that's really sure what's an onion

he could have it would have been smart if he had gotten something like a shallot something that's sort of in totally honestly you know what those swimsuits do feel like i asked for a garlic and i got an onion i said get me like what i always wear i disagree not get me a one piece but i think he got you one garlic one onion but you know what i will tell you something you i have learned in life you cannot tell people what you don't want because they just hear the word and then they get you what you don't want so you always have to say the thing you want i should have said i want a string bikini when you ask here's the lesson when you ask a guy for garlic he's gonna bring you onions yeah you have to go maybe with john with john i just can't even believe he did that for you see she's

auditioning mothers my dad never used to pay for bulbs in general. Onion, garlic, shallots, no bulbs. No light in the house. Bulbs, nothing. He just thought that bulbs were from the earth and that everything, garlic and onion should be free. They shouldn't be farmed. He would shove garlic and onion in his pocket, buy the rest of the groceries, and never pay for the garlic and onion in his pocket.

Oh, he would just steal it. He would just steal bulbs. And that was his thing. That was his life motto. Don't pay for bulbs that sounds like someone i know i like i like his style yeah like if it comes from the dirt it's mine yeah i mean farmers have to make it though i mean sure but you know his thing is it's like such a basic basis for all foods that we cook yeah you need it it's almost like you shouldn't pay for salt either kind of thing um so he had his own theories about maybe you shouldn't pay for food either if you farm yourself yeah but if there's labor there you should fucking pay for

food should be free can the government give us now i'm a socialist but can the government give us food you're not bad the food would be? That's so true. It would be way worse than like lunchroom. So many carbs. We'd be all eating gluten. Let's just say that. Now, mom, speaking of lunchrooms, you used to work in the lunchroom in my elementary school.

What was it like when I came into the lunchroom every day? But wait, were you working there to actually have the job or to keep an eye on your little munchkin? Part time job just to get out of the house. Yeah. And what was it like when I came in the lunchroom? She couldn't see you. You were under the thing. She was always happy to see me come over.

That's so cute. I know. That's so cool to have your mom work at the school. I loved it. But see, you know, some kids are really ashamed when they see their parents in school. come over that's so cute i know that's so cool to have your mom work at this i was so but see you know some kids are really ashamed in their when they see their parents in school that's more middle for me that was middle school middle school junior high yeah junior high i was embarrassed guys started hitting on her when no like when when one day she came to pick me up from school

on halloween she was wearing a witch's hat and that was like horrifying just be happy that it was on halloween imagine any other day that would be way worse that would be your parents annie yes i know my oh do you know my parents did to me once oh my god they picked me up i was in hawaii um and i come back that was my dolphin training time i came back they were in the philadelphia airport wearing rasta wigs with the racist dreadlocks in the philadelphia airport wearing rasta wigs with the racist dreadlocks in the philadelphia airport i was the only white person on the plane they came out there like yeah mom and i had like dolphin like um dolphin uh what do you call them balloons and it was just such a spectacle it was so embarrassing i was like oh my god now mom you watch bloodbath every week yes i do i'm a huge fan

i love it oh mary you're a slug you're an honorary slug i do i love it what do you think of it i think you girls are great you're entertaining i laugh we got chemistry yeah i can't talk while she's watching it she's into it really and it's tuesday right away as soon as it's on yeah tuesday's at 9 00 a.m uh california time right she's she loves it yeah and you're listening while cleaning no you're focused i'm totally focused yes i sit there the whole hour and eight minutes 14 minutes so you're all caught up you know all your deepest darkest I'm so jealous of that clothes are laying all over the floor my dad's laying there he's his diaper change

legs up he's very flexible I am hungry I always say to Todd I'm always like I cannot believe you left my mess out here this is ridiculous no I'm very happy for you girls thank you thank you we're so glad you're watching yes do you feel like we've come so far are you proud I mean every episode gets better and better Esther and I did this podcast forever ago and And she goes, she's like, oh, you shave your happy trail. Do you care if I say that? And I was like, yeah, you can't. But she had already said it was so funny.

Wait, happy trails are something to be embarrassed about? This was like 2013. I thought it was something to grow out. Grow out of. I've always had a hairy stomach. A hairy stomach was something to grow out. Grow out of. I've always had a hairy stomach. And I never cared. That's where you catch your little pets to play with. Your little bug pets.

This is a net. Kalilah grew up in the Philippines. Yes. We're going to take a trip there. What do you think about your daughter in the Philippines? Are you worried? Esther, I actually think the Philippines is a match for you. People are very sweet and doting.

And it's a place where someone, any old person can feel like royalty and a princess. Hand and foot. Served hand and foot. What's the food like? Very basic. Do you like rice? Yes. A lot of organic stuff like grilled, you know, grilled vegetables, rice, soups, lots and lots of fruits very clean stuff to eat

is the fruit really fresh and tasty they're the best the best unmatched wow trees i think you're surprised it's gonna surprise the shit out of you do you think you'll get married there i will get married aren't we all having a joint wedding now yeah we're getting married there oh my god we should sell tickets to it guys the tickets are ten thousand dollars great malls can I tell you greatest okay that's not what I was thinking do you like malls yes what do you mean do I like the mall of Asia is gonna blow your mind it's the it's it's bigger than the mall of America it's bigger than that will you please do a show with me at mall of america are you crazy of course i just had the i had the most fun she was just in minnesota i've never had more fun in my life you're killing us me and my mom are

obsessed did you see me get old timey photos by myself yes when i was little they did too yeah we all definitely all three have to do it yeah Yeah, I've never been. Or just me and your dad. My parents had a house right across the river. And from their sunroom, you could see the Mall of America. Oh, my God. What a dream. The lights from the garage. The parking garage. Yeah.

So anyways, yeah, it's right over the river. I've never been happier. I couldn't believe it. And there's no tax on clothes. Did you buy stuff? No. Did you go on any rides? I did. I went on rides. But, you stuff? No. Did you go on any rides? I did.

I went on rides. But, you know, I met people. It was actually embarrassing. I met these guys came up to me and they were like, you should go on the rides with us. And I was like, oh, you're coming to the show tonight. And they're like, what show? Just a weirdo sitting on me. So I went on the rides with them and then they came to the show for free and then we're

rude to the waitress. We used to take her there when she was a toddler. I mean, all the way growing up and my grandchildren did you go on rides you didn't go on rides yeah no you ride personally okay is it still called camp snoopy or it's nickelodeon world it's nickelodeon okay so it used to be camp snoopy but the rides at mom america are the best because they're not that scary yeah so you have this roller coaster that's really fun, but it's so easy. So that's like the only roller coaster

that I can be successful on. Successful. How about the log ride? Oh, that's too scary. You know the only thing to be successful on a roller coaster is to not fall out. You know what I mean?

And that is, when I'm on a scary roller coaster, the one time I ever did it with my sister at Six Flags in Chicagoland, I thought to myself, I'd rather jump off to my death than stay on this I hated it were you on your tiptoes to get on the ride to begin with a little worried you know that's my top question I'm getting on the road now is how tall is Esther

I'm like it's it's why I don't want to put a number two because it's deceiving the number's also deceiving so weird it's on Google yeah but it's is it Google accurate I actually don't want to put a number to it because it's deceiving. The number's also deceiving. So weird. It's on Google. Yeah, but it's just... Is it Google accurate? I actually don't know. Google says I'm trans, so I don't know what else Google says. We have... We were talking about this before.

There's a girl that we know whose birthday says that she's 10 years older than she is online. Oh, that's right. It's so funny. Do you know Sarah Weins's so funny um sarah weinshank sarah weinshank's her she's like 32 or something and her wikipedia says she's like 43 and i that was a juicy huck ass i go guys if she's 43 i am going to there is no way i'm gonna find out what's on her face well aster your Wikipedia says you two are married oh it does oh yeah didn't it say she's my partner who's the boy who wrote that wait who's the bottom yeah who's the bottom we're both women there's no bottom there's always there's still a bed. All right. My family is here. Okay.

Yeah. You're right. Your mom would be watching this anyway. Really? Who do you guys think made her good and who made her bad? Oh, that's obvious. Well, we used to call her Rosemary's baby. She had a little bass in that that she slept with in our room and it looked like you know the

one in the movie yeah so we tagged her uh rose maury's baby and now did was it hard getting it into the basement for an hour no i definitely think my wife is the good influence, and I was the kind of devilish. Well, isn't it true that Dad would wake me up when I was napping? Oh, yeah. He, just to hold her. No rules. I had so much fun with her when she was a baby that, you know, I'd wake her up and say, come on, let's play.

That's so cute. that I'd wake her up and say, come on, let's play. His aunts and uncles would just drop in. And if she was taking a nap, he didn't care. I'd say, she's sleeping. Let her be. Oh, no. He'd go in, just scoop her up, bring her down. Oh, my God. I must be her dad to you.

I would scoop her up any day. Oh, and then he'd let her sleep with us. he wanted her to sleep in bed with us oh cool sleep that was a big mistake because that child never went back into her i honestly do think that that is explains a lot yeah i then i very needy then she's very it is a clinginess yes she's a clinger yeah not anymore though she's a big girl now i know well dave says that i have adult attachment issues dave yeah you're anxious attached okay so you guys we all know that we should drink more water but by the time you feel thirsty it's too late nurse tip if

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I can't afford it. I can't afford it. I go, hey, you're going to try BetterHelp now, okay? Honestly, also there's financial aid financial aid is available and anything you share is confidential it's convenient it's professional it's affordable check out the testimonials posted daily on their site it's not a crisis line it's therapy we want you to start living a happier life today as a listener you'll get 10 off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com bloodbath join over And then so then I would sleep on the floor. She was in our room. And then she slept with Leah for a couple of years.

And then my sister kicked me out because she said I had dead skin cells. And then we tried her back in her bed where I would, you know, lie down with her and wait for her to fall asleep and tippy toe out. Mom, where are you going? Nowhere. Mom, where are you going? Then we put the sleeping bag on the floor in our room. She must have slept there until junior high.

Whatever you do, don't mention how we locked her in the room with the gate we know the gate one night you think i don't think about her like this all the time i just imagine we try tough love one night and we never heard the end of it one tell them what tell them what happened So we put the gate up. And mind you, by her bedroom door, there's a flight of stairs. Okay. So it was for her safety. Okay. Her safety. So she got up in the middle of the night.

She didn't tumble down the stairs. Yeah. And so the keeper in her room. And so she just cried and cried and cried. It was like one, two o'clock i mean we were like going out of our mind she thought she was on death row when is this child gonna give it up and she's still crying it's so weird and then finally she got quiet and then we went in to see and she was sleeping on the floor next to the gate oh i thought i was hanging on to the gate. I don't remember that. Is this junior high? White knuckle? No.

How old was I? Was this pre or post Jacob the dog? But the gate that they fucking locked me behind, they still use it. So every time I go home, I have to see this gate that tormented me. And they use it to, they have it up against the stairs. The dogs can't go up the stairs.

I have got to side with their parents on this one. This is crazy. That's so you don't stay that long. How old are you? 32? She's like, they have my triggering gate. And also, it is just a baby gate and a dog gate. That's what they're for. When we want her to leave, we bring out the gate.

She runs. She runs the therapy. You know, I recently heard that there's this celebrity that I won't name, that they have like a beautiful guest house and that they keep the guest house, it only has cold water so that guests won't stay too long. Why? Oh, is this not a public story? No, it's not a public story. They're like, well, how are they?

They can't shower no it's they just say like oh our cold our water hot water is broken in the guest house they've got to be canadian this is a very passive aggressive thing they made a mistake because there are people who didn't grow up with hot water which is must like myself who would if it's a nice enough guest house that's a small cold water

is a small price to pay I know it's a celebrity home it's like why not oh yeah if all the amenities just cold water sign me up

and then you seem like the cool guest you're like oh I don't care when really they're like no icicles in my nose yeah like

no it's really cool I'm fine I would never let anyone know if I was upset about this could you could you reallyim hoff could you really take cold showers yeah it's good for you they're good for you you're like the whole thing it's good for your hair and yeah don't you do at the very end yes at the very end how do i

know that about your mom i do the exact same thing mary yeah um so it's 10 minutes of hot the last two minutes is as cold as i as it goes well she's finished so they do that in finland well take the sauna and then we jump yeah back and forth in the pool did you ever think he was hold as I as it goes. She's finished. So they do that in Finland. Yeah. The sauna. And then we jump back and forth. Yeah. Did you ever think he was divorcing you when he said

you're finished? Oh, my God. They're doing it right now. Should we take a banana break? Yeah. With no. I would like all of us to

watch you eat an apple. Hand me my apple. We should just pantomime a banana break. Wait, are you guys going to be okay without a snack? Yes. I had a big lunch. Without a snack?

Yeah. George, this is a great banana he chose this week. Well, that was fun. Yeah. Always great seeing you, Annie. I know. I love you guys. I love your little monster.

It's a pleasure meeting you. Nice to meet you. I love you guys. I love your little monster. It's a pleasure meeting you. Nice to meet you. I love your weird little monster you made. It's a banana break and only Esther has an apple. What are your overall thoughts and feelings about Palm Springs so far? I know this was a very one last minute thing for us, Annie. Are you guys sharing a room yes okay now i'm jealous are you trying to die and this is the options i gave annie i said do you

want to stay in a fancy or a bougie place or or do we want to go tacky she's like do you even know who you're texting obviously taggy and look this is a super eight basically i love this place um i really like palm springs because i like the mid-century architecture reminds me my hometown um i like that it gets so so so hot that you can't help but get in the pool this is how we teach her to swim I saw you in a pair of goggles yesterday And let me tell you Never been more excited in my life I was like is this truly happening

And I wrote Dave back Because he posted that picture of you in goggles I believe in her what's happening Give me a play by play And he said nothing you're still going to have to teach her how to swim No she put the goggles on for when you teach her to kegel Oh my god You know what is so fascinating to me is being

able to look at water to being able to open your eyes underwater with goggles on that is like a high i'm gonna teach you what did you do to this girl i'm gonna teach you the way i taught my my kids to swim not my children but when i used to do a learn to swim program. Get their favorite toy, drop it at the bottom, and tell them to retrieve it. And they really want their toy back so they eventually learn how to hold their breath. So we have to throw sushi at the bottom of the pool. Basically. Are you guys going to swim while you're here? I have to drive back home tonight.

This is a very quick turnaround trip for me. But Annie has two swimsuits to choose from. I've got two do you think of palm springs i love palm springs i come here often um because i just love the desert there's something that i i don't know i think it's a magical place it's weird it's like you have i don't know people from all different. Also, Palm Springs is very, very gay. The essence of Palm Springs is super gay, and I love gay people. Yeah. They just bring me so much joy.

When I look out this window here, I'm like, oh, my God, this is such like a. That's Todd, dude. Oh, that's Todd. Oh, my God, Todd. He's kissing a guy. What are you saying? Todd's making out with my mom.

We drove past Liberace's house yesterday it was so cool did you feel i don't really know anything about liberace but his house seemed cool yeah i get him confused with the guy who got bit by the tiger oh uh sigfried wait hang on liberace did matt damon play him yeah no didn't he play his lover? Oh, his lover. His lover. Who was Liberace? Oh, it was, what's his name? Married to Catherine Zeta. Oh, Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas.

He blamed his throat cancer on eating out Catherine Zeta-Jones. Did he really? You know what? I'll tell you why I believe that. What? Because a very close family member of mine, which will remain unnamed, who will remain unnamed,

had to have his throat to figure it. Same thing. Because of... Got HPV of... He hooked up with Catherine Zeta-Jones? With another person with HPV and got the throat HPV. And so I do believe that narrative.

Well, guys, we thought you were making it up and look at us now well it only makes sense it's only sort of like hpv only really manifests itself in women right down there so it only makes sense that the men get it yeah they should have to get it wait did he really publicly say that yeah no he No, he didn't. He did. Mom? Yeah, your mom's up on the couch. Your mom's nodding. Okay, here's what I need your thoughts on.

I want to know what your thoughts on- I don't kind of cook today. This has been a long episode. I'm really aware of disaster's parents. I'm kind of thrown off. The Bennifer reunion. What? The Bennifer reunion.

Thrilled. J-Lo and Ben Affleck. Literally bringing me my youth back bringing me back to the best time of my life when there were gili billboards plastered across the country only person that gili was a good part of their life it's the only person i bought a replica of the pink diamond ring that he gave her i ordered it from a catalog. It was my favorite ring. I used JLo had did a clothing line collaboration back in the day. I used to have JLo jeans.

Like this is just reminding me of the good days. What about you guys? I feel the exact same way. I'm so excited. Yeah, what they've done for all of us is like amazing. We already know that it's probably not like this emotional love affair they're having. It's just really good sex. You know, it's probably not like this emotional love affair they're having it's just really good sex you know it's just really good sex you know it was she couldn't forget that

bomb has sick he couldn't forget oh my god do we have to do this with my fucking it's true that's how that's a feeling i get because it's totally a rebound thing right i think it's a nostalgia thing. I think it's just as what it is for us as it is for them. It's like let's remind ourselves of the good old days. You know I always say when I drive past my high school ex-boyfriend's

house it's not because of him. It's because of the memories of that age. But they're doing it Esther. How do you know? They're not just sitting in a diner reminiscing about their once love affair that was plastered all over MTV. They're doing it. And I mean, helicopter style. Well, how do you know that?

It's just I feel it. I look at their pictures together in Montana and I could just feel it in my chest. I just know it inherently that that's what's happening. I honestly I posted a meme that someone made about it but how like she's been back with him for like two minutes and he's already hotter again like he was so disgusting yeah i was like batman really and i'm like you should make him batman and fucking robin make him all of them he should be every single character i wonder because you know how i wonder if this this stuff is true like how there really are PR relationships, like it's a publicity stunt.

Is there any world? Well, we are one. Now, did you think that Tom, what's his name? And Taylor Swift, Tom Hiddleston? Do you think that was a PR stunt? Who's Tom Hiddleston? He plays the guy in Thor, the other guy. What's the?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Loki. I don't think it was a pr stunt i just wonder if this one is because he just had really bad publicity because somebody released somebody leaked videos of him dming a girl being like hey it really is me which is so embarrassing like he's dming girls on instagram saying like look it's me ben affleck it's like that's lame as lame as that is i didn't feel like it was as bad as everyone else why because i think because the girl the girl even said she said i unmatched with him because i didn't think it was him and then he was like it's me and it's like so you got your confirmation and now it's like you

made a choice well i guess i don't like ben affleck enough to go on a date with him instead i'll just blast him what's a 90s or 2000s couple that you would love to see reunite really it's hard to beat ben affleck and jennifer i mean brad pitt and jenna when those rooms were going around that was exciting can i give you one that's a dream of mine yeah and i know she's married to james brolin but if barbara's trisand and andre agassi got back together do you remember that relationship i was really into tennis so do you guys know who andre agassi is yes but do you know that he was with barbara strisand you know who needs to get back together ryan gosling and sandra bollock when she was 75 years older than him she was he was pushing her around i was like this is the hottest.

And now I get it. That one was, because it reminded me, yesterday my mom and I drove out here at midnight and we listened to the whole Yentl soundtrack because that's her favorite thing. We listened to it twice over. Oh my God, my mom, the sound chamber. I wanted to address something very important. George, you're partly to blame for this.

So on Bad Friends, my lover, my partner, I wanted to address something very important. George, you're partly to blame for this. So on Bad Friends, my lover, my partner, my future baby's father has slandered me, George. And you're aware of this, aren't you? I just saw it, yeah. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. He's telling people that I hit him.

Bobby is? Yeah. She's being called a domestic abuser in the comments. We were watching a UFC fight. Right? We were watching a UFC fight. There were two women fighting. One was the world champion who happened to be Chinese.

World champion. And another one from Colorado. And I happened to be rooting for the Chinese girl because she's the world champion and another one from she's from Colorado um and I happen to be rooting for the Chinese girl because she's the world champion and I love her anyways the Chinese girl gets knocked out and it was a brutal knockout Bobby starts gloating and celebrating I feel bad because the girl that I was rooting for not for any other reason but the fact that I was rooting for, not for any other reason, but the fact that I love this girl, gets brutally KO'd. And I'm crying. I'm like, oh my God, poor Weili. Poor Weili.

And he's gloating. And so I do one of these to him. And I was like, shh, and do this. I was like, shh the fuck, like that. And now he's telling everybody that I backhanded him across the face. And he's slandering me. What should I do?

Hit him. Everyone's going to be a racist and a domestic abuser. Why are you racist? It's like white people going like, oh, you only root for the Asian. She just wasn't a random Asian girl. She's a world champion. You're allowed to root. But also you can root for the Asian.

Yeah, I can. Can I? I root for Asians. Is that bad? Well, she's also just a fucking badass like she's amazing but um i i don't know if i should call him to clarify yeah because he needs he has a explanation well you know what the fans want my mom just verbally said yeah okay um so i have a question since i've been getting a lot of very hateful emails about being um number one a racist and number one a domestic abuser why on earth would you go on your podcast

and tell people that i hit you because i don't know why i'm a liar why would you say something that... Like, that's a big accusation. Do you realize that? I know, but you... You touched my face a little bit, though. I might have after, like, in a sweet way. No, you were going to go full force, but then you held back, I think. No, I did one of those. I did one of these.

I did, you know? Yeah, me too. But it was just to scare you. It's just what we do in the streets. But it was frightening. It was frightening. That's why.

You were scared. I was so scared for my life. And so you retaliated by telling people I was, that I abused you physically. During,

stop Asian hate to say that your girlfriend hit an Asian. I know. You're coming after me. I'm Asian too, okay? I know I'm like white passing, your girlfriend hit an Asian. I know you're coming after me. I'm Asian, too. OK, I know I'm like white passing, but I'm still Asian. I mean, I'll apologize to you on the podcast.

Wait, hang on one second. Why are they calling me a racist? I don't know why you're not a racist. I know, but why? What did you say? Do you remember? I don't remember what I said, even. The voice going up.

Wait, George is raising his hand. Why are they calling me racist, George? Because Bobby said he wasn't allowed to cheer for the white girl. Yeah, I know. I know. Well, I got to go to sleep, so good night. Okay, I love you. Bye. Bye, Bobby. Well, I gotta go to sleep, so good night. Okay, I love you. Bye. Bye, Bobby.

Bye, babe. Why is he there? He's shooting. Are you okay without him? I'm not. We both cried a lot. Really? Yeah, we've never been apart this long.

We're just, I don't know what the- We should schedule hangs. Might you go? The EU is not open for tourists yet oh yeah you go i'm sorry young chap did you have another question did you have a query i wanted to ask you guys we were talking about 90s and 2000s relationships gun to your head if you had to get back with one x who would it be big big gun to your head i take the bullet i think i just say next life let's go out together yeah i know your exes i wouldn't allow it it would be a murder suicide baby

yeah i can't oh god have you ever backpedaled though like have you ever broken up and then you know hooked up with an ex before and then oh well i've never dumped anyone i've always been dumped really yeah i've never broken up with anyone so i would never have the choice even if you're miserable have you ever been miserable but just never like broke it off anyways you just stick it out i'm if someone is near me i'm not that miserable it's fine it will be fine um esther calls her friends space heaters yeah I've revisited Exes I used to have like I had like

One guy that would like I would say he would like Fuck start me again like I'd go through a breakup And then I'd go back to him or whatever Then I got over that and then And he may be in this room just kidding Oh my god make me Sick But

Yeah it's always a not a You never need to go back i i think once you once you're out of your 20s you can't go back so you're saying that benifer has no shit no chance i think that they maybe that they were like there was pressures from society or something or different places in their career i mean if you're both rich, it's like. You know what the best part about them being back together is that there is a song that JLo wrote called, "'I'm Glad." I'm glad when I'm making love to you.

It's such a good song. I spun to that on Peloton yesterday. So she hasn't sung it live since they broke up because she wrote about him. So it's like, you you know too juicy or whatever and she just recently did a performance of it which is like a huge deal but it makes sense for them right because he also has like struggled with addiction and stuff and maybe he's in a better place and she just got fucked over so bad that maybe she's like what happened with her i think

he cheated on her i think he cheated on her a rod with well allegedly with that um reality star right oh i don't know who it is yeah or i don't know who he was philandering with but there was rumor that that might have been the cause of it definitely is a really good example of that saying where people say one plus one equals three like them together is more than them separate like it's just such a they've just they've one-upped the world i feel like do you think p did it he's like god damn it that could have been me he really fell off but he if someone posted something i saw where it was like him um coming into his like giant living room or whatever and he had like all these balloons and he's like,

every Friday I just buy myself a bunch of balloons. And I was like, I love this. That's like such a good message. Yeah, it was good, right? Yeah, it was a TikTok. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember when he used to have the all white parties in Saint-Tropez? Yeah.

That was in the 2000s and we'd be reading it in our magazines. Like one day. I think they still have them. The all whitepez. Yeah. That was in the 2000s and we'd be reading it in our magazines like one day his white party. I think they still have them. The all white parties? Yeah. Oh, I just thought it was

just a childhood fantasy. I think maybe it's just not as big a deal. It's like easier to get into. Like I think someone went to one. Yeah, it's like going to a Ja Rule party.

Yeah. I could never go because I could never wear all white. Why? Because look at Annie today. I know. She's all white head to toe. I'm obviously gonna this is my one time wearing this. I'm never gonna wear all white. Why? Because look at Annie today. She's all white, head to toe.

This is my one time wearing this. I'm never going to wear it again. Wait, why not all white for you, Esther? I just don't have that kind of confidence. Well, what's with all white? I don't get it. White's so flattering. What?

Esther's never getting married. She's like, I just look bad in white. White is the opposite of flattering. It makes you look bigger. Okay, what color is your wedding dress going to be? Black. She's going to have a wedding dress painted on it that makes her look skinnier. Yeah, let's just throw you an Indian wedding.

You don't have to wear a white dress. In fact, it's like forbidden. You have to wear a bright like red or a bright color. Yeah, we'll henna you up. You actually would look cute in Indian stuff. Okay. But you know, like the langas the um the crop top and the skirt is really flattering really oh yes i like that look the high waist high waisted

skirt and then you have the thing over it kim kardashian kind of brought that back i feel like into style a lot of trouble oh remember when skims was gonna be called kimono yeah oh was it yeah it was and everyone freaked out thank god because how shitty would kimono lord that's one relationship i wouldn't be opposed to just go back to her roots and start dating ray j again what that's so crazy all right well that's been a me in a hotel room with my friends talking about sex in front of my parents in beautiful I held back I held back thank you

in beautiful Palm Springs thanks for crashing my family vacay needed the break we're not that sorry I the only thing I've ever held back

was my own heroin and vomiting Annie are we doing thanks for letting us crash your party one more thing are we doing drugs tonight you and I

what what drugs I've never this is our one shot at freedom Thanks for letting us crash your party. Are we doing drugs tonight? You and I? What? What drugs? This is our one shot at freedom. You and I were finally sharing a hotel room. I mean, you didn't tell me to bring drugs. I don't have any drugs. You're right. And I don't do drugs either.

I'm a square. What drugs would you want to do? I've never done any. It was your, it was, look, this could have been your wheel of fortune moment. I've never done any drugs, but alcohol and weed. And what would I bring you like? I would make you do mushrooms. Yeah, mushrooms would have been.

Why don't we save it for the next time we come to Palm Springs? We'll leave my parents at home. We'll rent a little house together. And you'll do mushrooms? No, I'll watch you do mushrooms. And you'll also then the next day you'll teach me how to swim. Yes. Yeah, let's do that soon.

Okay. Well, thank's do that soon. Okay. Well, thank you guys for listening. My clothing line is finally going to have a new drop. Sleepover by Esther.com. There should be merch up there now. Check it out. Maybe I'll get an outfit or two. You will.

At this point, I might just get it and just never post it. I just wear it in private. So that's it. Yeah. Thanks, guys. See you guys next week.