Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - WTF?! Marc Maron Joins Our Cult

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

Thank you to our Sponsors:  Helix - Thank you Helix for sponsoring! Visit helixsleep.com/trashtuesday to get up to $200 off your Helix mattress, plus two free pillows. #helixsleepBetterHelp - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at https://betterhelp.com/trashtuesdayManscaped - Get 20% off + free shipping at http://www.manscaped.com with the code TRASH Subscribe! https://bit.ly/HitOurButtonsOfficial Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/2QDAi8XTrash Tuesday Podcast iTunes Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TrashTuesdayPodTrash Tuesday Podcast Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudioTrash Tuesday Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday 0:00 Welcome to Midsommar with Marc Maron7:57 Marc Maron Taught Bobby Lee to Read a Clock9:57 Cults & Psychics15:45 Going Out vs Staying Home23:02 Marc Maron’s Tennis Pro Brother & Orthopedic Surgeon Father28:06 Bill Maher & Boomer Energy31:40 Droughts & Doomsdays35:45 Awkward Exchanges With an Ex42:00 Marc Maron’s Shame For Walking in on Somebody in the Bathroom44:55 Getting Walked in on When You’re Doing Naughty Things49:11 Weird Babysitters & Public Offenders57:51 Anne Hathaway & Shiny People1:00:34 Marc Maron’s Past Substances1:03:43 Heart Problems1:06:02 Marc Maron’s Hypochondria About Prostate Cancer in College   Listen to our other Podcasts: TigerBelly - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tigerbelly/id1041201977 Meanspiration - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/meanspiration-with-annie-lederman/id1475056491 Esther Club - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/esther-club-with-esther-povitsky/id1494518220 Follow Us: Khalyla Kuhn - https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Annie Lederman - https://www.instagram.com/annielederman Esther Povitsky - https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster Produced by: George Kimmel & Bryce Hallock - 7EQUIS Podcast Producers: Pete Forthun & Carlos Herrera Editor: Andres Rosende

After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything, it's that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time all Mint Mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan, I thought, where's the catch? But after talking to them, it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless services online. They don't have retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you. As you guys know, our friend Rick Glassman, he uses Mint Mobile. I learned about Mint Mobile through George Kimmel.

George is a busy guy. He takes the most business calls. And the fact that not a single call is ever dropped. And you can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. Say goodbye to your overpriced wireless plans. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with plans starting at $15 a month. And all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. That is such a steal. To get this new customer

offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesday. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched

with a therapist in under 48 hours our listeners get 10 off the first month at betterhelp.com slash trash tuesday our show is sponsored by helix mattresses which we are obsessed with i am a very particular sleeper i run hot and i only sleep on my side so helix mattress has the specific type of mattress for someone like me and helix is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helix sleep.com slash trash tuesday you guys manscaped has these really soft buttery boxers that i am absolutely obsessed with they are super breathable and i want your balls to breathe this summer this is essential to life you guys go get these boxers they're made from micromodal fabric and they are so so soft i'm obsessed with them and you guys can get 20%

off plus free shipping with our code trash at manscaped.com that's 20% off plus free shipping with our code trash at manscaped.com hello sluggies boy sluggies girl sluggies mama sluggies grandma sluggies I've met you I see what you're up to I want to meet more of you I love you it's been amazing come see me on the road I will be next in West Ny what you're up to. I want to meet more of you. I love you. It's been amazing. Come see me on the road. I will be next in West Nyack, New York this very weekend. I can't wait. That's the 24th through the 25th. Please come to that.

Please enjoy my new merch. The tickets were a lot. Then I'm taking July off. You can then see me after that. In Austin, Texas, Springfield, Missouri, Pittsburgh, Improv, Tempe, Arizona, Colusa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, Irvine, California, Michigan. I got a whole bunch of other dates.

I rescheduled the ones I missed. Just go to Annie Letterman dot com slash shows. I am also doing stand up less so this summer, but estheronice.com for tickets. I think we've got DC and Austin. See you guys soon. Is this a sex cult? The swim club? No.

Not that I knew of. Mark, I want to ask you something so hello beautiful what's up nice to see you thanks for coming you're welcome look at everybody in the daytime i feel like i'm the only one who didn't nail the shoe game i feel like you did shave though i hardly probably the only one yeah marin you have like no hair on your legs. What's up with that? I'm not that hairy. What happened to your knee? That was, yeah.

Yeah. What happened to it was cleaning my, no, I wasn't sucking dick. I was cleaning my porch. Cleaning my porch this time. Do you live in the same place? I live in Glendale. I don't know which place you went to. Okay.

I think you were at the old place. It was nice. Esther Seymour new place. It was nicer? Much nicer, yeah. Wow. Wait, you were in the little old place with the cave like garage there was a garage but it didn't seem like a little place it was a pretty beautiful nice it's a cute place right but it was up on the hill yeah no i got a new house cool and i was cleaning the porch on my hands and knees and i scraped my knee wow what a man love that love do you have the tape to roll for him what do you have the tape to roll for him what do you have the tape

to roll for him oh get it ready what tape from our last from our episode are we sure we want to do this it's embarrassing it'll be funny oh it'll embarrass everyone here it's embarrassing to me you'll like it oh you might be embarrassed though and he's not supposed to be wearing the flower crown i don't fucking know dude that so good. I was just trying to do something. I think this was a good. Well, Kalilah, I walked in and she's like, Esther, this look fits you so well. And I was like, oh, it's a compliment. And she's like, you look like Jesus.

And I'm like, that's not a compliment. No, actually, you do know Jesus Trio. You look just like him. No, you do look like you would be in a cult, 100%. Because I'm so ready, willing, and able. They would kick your ass out so fast. They would be like, you're so annoying. She'd be complaining how cold it was and stuff.

Oh, no, she'd probably be. Wouldn't you eventually just start caring about everybody? Yeah, I think so. Do we need our headphones for this? Yes. Do I want my headphones? Is this a game? Are we playing something?

No, they just mentioned you in a past episode a couple weeks ago, and they want to show you. And Annie wants to You know, it's gonna be embarrassing for everyone. I can't Maybe my second is controversial next to Bobby. Okay, and I just find sorry I have this is not controversial Kind of like fuck this life. Fuck everyone and that's Mark Maybe there's a hair situation i don't know what it is then i start talking so weird and mark okay we love okay lynn his dearly

we're talking about your dead girlfriend it's okay it's okay just everything we used to talk in the green room like why is he getting like hot he's so mad why is he hotter there's this one episode he did of i wouldn't actually joke he likes it easy um redikowski oh yeah easy yeah i had like a sex scene and everything yeah and i could not unsee that me neither is that when lynn died she just passed away immediately? Yeah, when she died. It was out of Chicago. It was before Lynn. Oh, I know. Take it off.

What is it called? I forget. This is uncomfortable. Was it Glow? Easy. I love him on Glow. Easy. That was a great show.

I know. I like this one. Yeah, that was the Joe Swanberg show, right? Yeah, I did one episode for three seasons. It was an anthology show. But the Ratajkowski, that was crazy. Did they cast her first? I don't know.

Like I actually didn't even know who she was because I'm an idiot. And Swanberg's like, you're going to like this episode. I'm like, why? Because Emily Ratajkowski's in. I'm like, I got to look her up.

And I was like, okay. But I didn't know what that meant. And then it was just one of those weird kind of, you know, what do we do? That conversation you have with somebody before you do a scene like that, you gotta be pretty specific.

Well, Esther, the guy, didn't he like call out sick when he had to? She does a bit about that. Don't you do a bit about that? It's not a bit. No, I figured, yeah. Right from the headlines. That is true that when i had a intimate scene the

my part my scene partner was unavailable suddenly but you know let's go back to mark's story i've done a couple of those but with emily it was you just kind of talk it out and yeah i couldn't believe it was happening she's pretty stunning yeah she's like the prettiest woman around probably around i would say yeah what was the conversation like because i i imagine you have to be very careful of making her feel comfortable but also right like well i mean i think most productions have like an intimacy person now yeah um but that was not that one i thought they put him in jail wasn't that harvey weinstein no like somebody who

makes every sure everything's okay i mean what a job an intimacy coordinator intimacy intimacy we had one on doll face i never took their calls i was like i got this and what are the parameters like what are the guidelines i think it's a negotiation or it's a conversation that needs to be facilitated between the two people. And then they have to feel safe. But, I mean, with Emily and I, it was sort of like, what do you want to do? Because it wasn't full-on nudity. But it was sort of like, can I touch your boobs? Are we kissing?

You're like, what can I get away with here? Yeah, kind of. It's good for the show. Wait, have you ever done anything that's not one syllable? Glow, Marin, easy. Marin is two syllables. Oh, but it's one word. But it's one word. But it's one word.

One word. So one word. You can change it. One word. Added and imposed. Wait, easy is also two syllables. Well, I forgot what a syllable was. Also, why would syllable be two syllables?

That's true. We're learning syllables on next week's episode. Thank you. Did I really teach Bobby how to read a clock? You really did that's crazy do you know that Bobby didn't know how to read

time on like with regular I can relate to that I don't know why you guys are laughing and shaming the special needs man for the same reason that you didn't know

what syllables were I know I'm sorry I was molested in high school did you skip elementary school though I did you know what I did I did I was smoking cigarettes

in the bathroom but are you similar to Bobby where it's like, if you didn't catch it the first time, you're just going to double down and say, fuck it. I'm never going to learn it. Or do you continue to try? Because with Bobby, it was more like,

ah, well, you know, digital watches are available. So I'm, you know, at 13, he then decided that, fuck it, I'm just never going to be that guy who reads hands on a clock. And that gave him a major breakthrough. That guy. That was crazy. He really did.

Like people had tried before i've tried to teach him how to read i think what it is is it has to be someone he respects and fears which is not me yeah it wasn't me for but there is no you want to know what it is there's like a shame level but i feel like bobby like i feel like you may have shamed him in the situation maybe bobby liked the shame i I remember learning things like the clock hands and stuff and it was the whole school and then they would go alright it's your turn. What time is it? And the panic of like being humiliated in front of the

class. I didn't like that. I feel like Bobby would have like maybe gotten a boner or something. With the shame? I don't think I shamed him. I was just sort of like come on. I guess that's shaming. Come on stupid. It's your language. that's your love language oh my god wait maybe you could teach me how to swim with those tactics that takes patience and

you gotta really you know it's a there's um yeah i can't believe you don't know how to swim i want to throw you in like a baby you know they throw babies can swim you know that right you can start with a board you know are you afraid to get in the water are you do you freak out i'm a little nervous she's afraid her pubes will get caught in the bottom if i can't touch how's that gonna happen so long she flashed me yesterday let me just oh it's just it's a grooming issue okay well it's on both ends i'm grooming her she hasn't groomed herself i'm grooming you i thought i think think Esther's been grooming both of us

this whole time you are the teal swan do you not know who she is can you pull her up Carlos there's a documentary about this woman on Freeform and

she said that mockingly because the only other thing we've ever seen on Freeform was Esther's show thank you but she has this massive following

I do think some of the things that she says is pretty enlightening but I think her people are think some of the things that she says is pretty enlightening, but I think people are freaked out by the fact that she would fit the usual description of a cult leader. And what's so wrong about that? I know. Listen, every cult documentary I watch, about the two episodes in, I'm like, this is a good cult.

And then you get to the third one and something gets a little rough. And the inauguration of it. Indoct indoctrination desperate and gullible do you have to be to really lock into that shit i mean like that much i don't know man if i got if i like within three or four days if it's really not sticking with me i'll be like this bullshit yeah like someone's got to be really good They've got to have like major mental problems to get through to me. Has anyone ever? Yeah. I wonder if you're like,

cause you know, Doug stand up surrounded by just like absolutely insane people, but that's like his happy place. Yeah. Well, he likes that. Yeah, exactly.

But do you think that, um, that you could ever be gotten by or have you ever been gotten by a psychic? Like, is that anyone given you like a, well, I have to, I have to,

because my boundaries are so shitty, I have to actively kind of push back on that shit because yeah i want to believe it you know i i wouldn't got a booster today but there was part of me my second booster but there was part of me it's sort of like i don't need it like i have it like they're like i will get suckered in to aggravated belief systems but and i have to literally say dude you know because it feels good it feels good. It feels good to like, yeah, I want to believe a psychic. Yeah. One guy, I went to, oh, I think it kind of ended when I was driving. I went to school in Boston and we were driving down to New York and we stopped in Bridgeport

and there was a P.T. Barnum Museum in Bridgeport. It was a creepy place. It's a circus museum. Yeah. And the guy who worked there had one eye. I wonder if he did that to get the job probably but anyway so he like i'm walking out he says i'm a psychic and he grabs my hand and he looks at it he goes you're gonna get into a bad accident oh i hate that when

they do a negative one it's like what the fuck that was but that was like the only thing he said so for like a decade i know no it is wasn't that long i had a neighbor i had a neighbor who was a a psychic she was really and she would say things all the time like when i really started to realize it was crazy it wasn't true i i needed to like fax something and she was like don't walk to the fedex whatever you do don't walk to the fedex place i'm like it's two blocks this is a person of anxiety and she goes no no she goes no no. She goes, no, use this app. No, she wanted to control me with her psychic powers. Like she wanted me to think I needed an app.

And it had an app. It required an app. That doesn't seem psychic to me. There was an app where you could like, where you could back stuff. She's like, just do it from here. And I was like, no, bitch. I want to go walk to FedEx.

She's like, use my coupon code. Like I was going to get killed. She was a fucking affiliate. She just sounds like my mom. My mom was the biggest fear monger of all. Really? The first time I ever decided, okay, I'm 20 years old, 21. I'm going to go to a club.

It's going to burn down. Have you not heard about that club in Brazil? Always she pulls and extracts every bad tragedy and she uses it as an example for why I shouldn't step out the door. Panicky. She transfers her fear onto you all of it you're applying everything my mom when carlos and i drove from skokie to gigs in indianapolis she was like be careful of fire crashes we're like we've never heard of that what is that i don't know i think it's when a car hits another car and they explode really i guess like with she saw it when a car hits another car and they explode. Really? I guess like with parents though.

She saw it in a movie, I think. With parents, they need to like, she saw the movie Crash. With parents, I think they should have like a tiny bit of that because if they don't have that, it's almost like. Fair. But not too much. Well, my best friend who was the least afraid, totally type A, adrenaline junkie type of girl when she had a kid after she had her firstborn she's like something changed i am the most terrified person in the world worry yeah it's that constant worry and um yeah she she is afraid for her child or anything

that may go so maybe you gotta be careful with that my my parents are like that i think they mistook worrying and panic for love and then you're just sort of an extension of their fear. And it becomes a real nightmare. Sounds like her. You too? My exact existence. Well, that's why I can't do the, you know, the psychic or anything. I've got to like just not do it.

Because I want to believe. Who doesn't want to fucking believe? If you think like, especially if you're missing a chunk of your sense of self. You know, if somebody's willing to provide you guidance of any kind, you're like, no, that's pretty good. It's always, yeah, you're like in a low place

when you go to a psychic. Well, also, liminal space. You're always in an in-between. And how are they not just like, what are they fronts for? You can tell me all these like weird little psychics

in their little houses are like doing amazing business. Why do they always look like that? Like if I were a psychic, I would change like the aesthetic. Maybe a rebrand. Rebrand psychics. Sure a psychic, I would change the aesthetic. Maybe rebrand.

Rebrand psychics. Sure. Well, we're in the outfits. That's true. We were recently at Whitney's house and she had like a random girl there who did like a reading for us. Whitney always has a random girl. Doesn't she have many? Aren't there just all kinds of brandos there doing something?

Is that a cult? Just a guy putting a light in? What's that guyos there doing something is that a cult just a guy putting a light in what's that guy but like i she's still starting a cult trying to i relate to what you're saying like about wanting to believe because i definitely don't believe in any of that stuff but when they're reading it and telling you about you i literally get tingles like it feels good when they're looking at those cards they're like okay here we go that was the girl she hired to finger you while you were getting the reading who did she hire to finger you esther i know it should have been you were invited i was invited but i am a hermit mark

you are yeah and he is i i don't go out much why um outside of the water i generally just like hate people in the world yeah she likes fish but she also kills them it's really i do kill fish but it's weird in la what are you gonna do though like during the day like i spend my day i go to supermarkets then i cook things and then i'll just wander places to get one thing but you wander places see yeah that's the difference you actually step out like like after this i might go get a squash where Where? Esther. I know. We're like literally have the same blood.

Yeah, I know. Me and Esther. I don't want to point out the obvious link, but. Yeah. We know. It rhymes with who-dayism. I know.

When we're on the road together, I do just feel like we're family. Like in some way, there's a familial connection. Because he's not trying to bang you like every other comic. We need one comic to hit on you. It's gotta happen. Do they still hit on comics?

No, do they still hit on you? She says they've never. There was just a famous incident on our show where a comic hit on both of them and didn't hit on me. And so I'm now the one. How'd that go for that guy? Not well.

Things are finally simmering down, we think. Oh, my God. We haven't gotten a true lawsuit. We're not going to court, so that's a good thing. That's good. So no going outside? I go's a good thing that's good so no going outside no like i go outside a lot for like nature stuff like hiking and where do you hike everywhere yeah yeah do you ever go over there by in glendale at the brand library i've been to that one that's where i go

like two three times a week up that thing i like that one i go everywhere i go to malibu i go that's a whole day not really there's no time you leave yeah traffic joke oh that is true i know people always ask me when i because if they don't live there like you go to the beach like never never it's like a fucking i gotta bring a tent you guys are the same people why a tent it's so far away no i mean it's just like it's a joke i mean like i gotta camp because it's gonna take me a day to get oh i thought it was a sun exposure no not for you that, it's just like, it's a joke. I mean, like, I got to camp because it's going to take me a day to get there. Oh, I thought it was a sun exposure thing. No, not a thing.

That too. It's like, it's such a big commitment to get to the beach. Well, Esther's like, where would the food be? Yeah, there's no bathrooms. You need it to be like a field trip where there's a teacher with you that has like snacks planned and stuff like that. A cooler. Yeah.

Who's got the cooler? Yes. Is there cold cuts? It's a field trip. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a whole thing. I need a permission slip.

I live near the beach and never go. But when I go other places where there's a beach, I enjoy the beach. I was like, the beach is great. When I go home, I gotta check this out. I like the beach pretty good, but I don't love it. Some people love it. I go to Hawaii sometimes. Kauai. Kauai is great.

Right? We went to Oahu together. Why did you bring up Hawaii? We barely became back friends. Really? Barely. The three of you went? It was our first travel.

Yeah, it was our first travel. And you did it for the show? Yeah. Did the numbers go bigger? No. Annie left early. Let's just say Annie fled. No, but in a funny way, Irish goodbye the whole trip.

What does that mean? Instead of just taking a plane back from kawaii to the main which way from was this the skateboarder the one now no no that was a rollerblader no this is my guy my asian okay um i met this guy yeah he's a nice guy he's a good one but we instead of just going back to oahu we flew all the way home yeah and then we just sent a picture from home and we knew that Esther would be very jealous. You didn't like it there?

It was raining the whole time. It was a pretty rainy trip. I just, I like going places, but I really like going home. So the fact that she beat me to it, I was like, that should have been my move. We thought you were going to be on the plane. Maybe you should just, you know, go places like drive and just decide when to turn around

for the good part. Now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. You know, I really did not do anything with my life until I got my mental health in order. I thought you were going to say until you met me. Like I just prioritizing mental health in order. I thought you were going to say till you met me. Like I just prioritizing mental health is so important. You pretty much can't be your full self and reach your full potential unless you're putting that first. And if you, you kind of need to do maintenance ahead of time too, cause you'll get burnout, but you don't realize your burnout until

it's too late and you're screaming at a cashier at the Apple store. Well, it's too late and you're screaming yeah at a cashier at the apple store well it's really burnout is so sneaky and i think that it compromises your role in all parts of your life as a parent as a friend as a partner to yourself yeah that's why we're so excited to be talking today about better help which is online therapy that reminds you to prioritize yourself better help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours and you don't have to drive and park and add in

more stressful things. You can do this all from the comfort and safety of your own home, your own bed, your own car, if you live with your parents at times. And our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. That's betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday. This isn't an exaggeration. Every room in my house has a Helix mattress. Even the bathroom?

Even the bathroom. And you guys, every birthday, my mom's birthday, everyone in my family has a Helix mattress, even the bathroom, even the bathroom. And you guys, every birthday of my mom's birthday, everyone in my family has a Helix mattress. I love it so much. I've gifted it to everyone in my life. Listen, we spend a lot of time on our backs as humans, as women. Truthfully, I love that they have a sleep quiz. So they're actually taking your information, asking you the right questions and then prescribing you the right mattress for you. And ever since we got ours, I feel like I just it works for both of us, which is nice. We love it. Are you guys starfish? So are we. Find the right Helix for your body.

I'm a side sleeper. So I run really hot and I sleep on my side. So I was matched with a midnight mattress. But on top of that that you have the option to upgrade to the luxe version of that which is such a dream cloud to sleep on listen i myself sleep face down ass up so it's really nice it's very easy on the neck very nice on the knees i just think it makes sense to use a mattress from somewhere where they have different options like it's not a one size fits all it's like it's actually tailored to your body, your needs. And that to me is why I choose Helix. And like you said, like for friends and family, it comes right to your door. You just unbox it. It does all of the work by itself. And Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress

orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash trash tuesday not only is helix the bomb but they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free they'll even pack it up for you if you don't love it but you will visit helixsleep.com slash trash tuesday to get up to 200 off your helix mattress plus two free pillows. I have a brother. You have a brother? Of course I have a brother. Don't say of course.

Younger or older? I'm sorry. You have such a only child vibe. I mean, really. Yeah, my brother thinks that too. How old is your brother? How much younger?

He's younger than you? Two and a half years younger. Wow. So you're the older kid. He's a good kid. He's a searcher. My brother turned out to be the guy that he was very i remember he was he was a tennis pro for years like that was his thing no but he was also very huggy and was always looking for like that piss you off yeah he's uh you know and he talks he's

he's all right he landed on his feet he's doing good but he's a tennis guy like my whole life he went to nick boletari's tennis institute and he was trying to be a professional and all through college he played and then he opened a tennis school and now i i'm not even clear what his job is but he's working and he's got a nice girlfriend does that how your family feels about your job no my family's okay with my job do they listen to your podcast yet my dad figured out how but i think it was his wife who figured out how because my dad's in the beginning stages of dimension i think she just likes to sit him somewhere but he never listened to it i swear 1300 episodes he had no idea had no idea how to do it and i've been on for a decade yeah and he had never listened it's like how do you do it i'm like you just put the website up and you hit the play button but he couldn't do it and now like she they're they're listening so he's sitting

there listening i don't know if he remembers though it's a sad time to begin he can play he can play the same episodes over and over again well maybe he'll remember me longer than yeah the rest of the or maybe he won't know you as a son but someone he actually admires that's right exactly no he's like you got a good shot yeah no he actually admires me that's the weird thing is like you know especially when you have a a weird i have a it's always been kind of a competitive relationship but at some point your dad really at some point it gave way and he realized like he couldn't really fuck with me anymore i know nothing about this uh like what were your parents like how do how does one create a mark wow this is her just saying i've never

listened to your podcast she doesn't know anything about your parents i know a lot about those parents oh my uh my mother was my my mother was like 22 when she had me and my dad was like 25 and he was you know my dad was a surgeon oh my god carlos this is crazy carlos's parents also had him at that age and his dad's a surgeon. What kind of surgeon? Cancer. General cancer? No, he has cancer. No, cancer women. Yeah. A women cancer surgeon.

Pussy tits? Pussy tits? That's what I call it, so I don't really know. Yeah, I don't really know the official names. So he's, okay. My dad was orthopedic, just saws and hammers. Cool. Yeah, no, rarely life-threatening.

That's crazy to want to do all. But it takes a particular type of personality to have that exactness to be an orthopedic surgeon. Yeah, it takes an incredibly kind of megalomaniacal, narcissistic,

selfish person. Exactly, because as Dr. Drew says, like, you know, assets and liabilities, you want your fighter jet pilot to be a narcissist. Honestly,

I would want my orthopedic surgeon to be equally as narcissistic and sure of himself. You may not want your dad jet pilot to be a narcissist honestly i would want my orthopedic surgeon to be equally as narcissistic you may not want your dad to be not the dad but not yeah yeah i don't know but they did something right i mean after a certain point you kind of you know take what you got and you you realize like there are some good things and you know the the i wasn't brought up in want of anything and that covers a lot i feel feel like I've been thinking about this a lot. Like, cause my dad is 81, 80.

I think you met my parents. Oh, he's only a couple of years younger than mine. Mine were not 25 when they had me, they're going to be this old age when they have kids. But my dad, he remembers everything. And it's,

it's like kind of hard because he feels so much guilt about like verbally abusing us and stuff when we were kids, we all turned out so well like i have no anger towards them anymore i really like did all my work i needed to do with who with my parents oh you sat down with them you didn't do it with a you didn't process it with i processed it but i but i but i've done my work like on them for myself you know and i don't i'm not mad at them at all like i don't even really get triggered by them um but my dad still has like the guilt and i'm like dude just like evening of life like enjoy your life we all my brother both of my brothers have great families and great jobs i have a great job maybe that's just something that he needs yeah i love the sound of that the evening of life

yeah i know i'm like look at some trees i feel there yeah that's beautiful i like i used to my i used to fight with my dad like crazy it's so interesting you were competitive with your dad which must come from him having you so young and you guys being close in age like i can't imagine being competitive with a parent well i did i think it wasn't like you know we weren't doing sports or anything but i just i just think that brother yeah exactly but i think it was his refusal to acknowledge what i do like when you have a guy a dad who's so self-centered it you know to get through to land something you know in you know in their mind it's kind of you know well that's weird with comedy too in my generation of comedy specifically like if they don't see you on television they don't know what you're doing i thought you were talking about your generation

they had television back then yeah they did old jokes are, they don't know what you're doing. I thought you were talking about your generation. They had television back then? Yeah, they did. Old jokes are fun. They are. No, they're going to hurt me. They're going to really hurt my family. But I remember one time, not that long ago, my dad, he's like,

maybe you ought to talk to Bill Maher about how to get a... Oh, my God. Everyone's dad loves Bill Maher. By the way, have you seen his podcast? No, I can't. I can't do him anymore you would feel i didn't do him that much to begin with but he's something has shifted with that guy

yeah well the podcast is why and what is it why what's it he just it's like the way he's dressing everything he's doing it yeah with the new glasses basement yeah the glasses he needs like a help no somebody did help him that's the problem i think is this person older than him that helped him i don't know what happened but isn't that what he's going for is like this um he's sick and tired of being this so he would rather just go completely opposite yeah i know but when you're a fucking baby boomer whatever shift you're making is not going to be great yeah do you know what i mean unless it's something more relaxed and something giving up like yeah but like if you're a baby boomer going like the thing's time for those boots it's not going relaxed and something giving up like. Yeah. But if you're a baby boomer going like, I think it's time for those boots, it's not going to go well.

Well, maybe that's what giving up looks like for Bill Maher. I think it's maybe to us. There's a balance. There's just like a lot. But I think this is his final, this is it. All of them think it's a fucking nightmare. Because I'm the tail end of the baby boomer. I'm not really a baby boomer.

So the egos of the baby boomer i'm not really a baby boom so like the egos of the baby boomers is why the world is ending they like it's like they need to get the fuck out of the way yeah not not get new glasses that is funny my dad loves bill maher every dad loves bill maher everyone's dad loves bill maher well he does have like or i haven't seen it in a while but he does have both sides on which is fun i like watching the debates of the both sides yeah it's like i think that i'm hardcore trumper i think that being a boomer is quite possibly a state of mind because i've met people younger than you that um have very like big boomer energy um very like antiquated thinking just kind of never really you know stayed with the times do you just mean like angry comics who are maybe racist and hate women middle-aged white

dudes yeah yeah i yeah it was so i went to i was in cleveland doing shows and i got i've been to the rock and roll hall of fame before but you know that guy invited me again and it's like you know the struggle of that place not just to be like a hard rock that's huge. But when I went in there and I saw the men who were wandering around the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I'm like, I'm not one of these guys. I can't, you know, just with their tie-dye shirts, you know, and it's just like, I can't be, this isn't who I am, right? It's just like classic hits personified. Just people, and I'm'm not i'm not that guy like i cut my own cutoffs do you have a record collection i bought this i bought this shirt

wait did you really cut those yourself wow hot girl energy yeah yeah i cut these myself where what else was i supposed to do you did a great job i try to cut my own shorts forever and i never get them right how did you get them so frayed? He's been here longer than us. I don't know. Doesn't it just happen naturally, the fraying? I don't think I did a thing. Not that I recollect. You just took a pair of shorts. It's tricky though. It's tricky.

You guys, you gals, you can cut them shorter. These might be arguably a little short for me, but I like them. They're short. I like them. They're good. I like them. Who wears short shorts? Me. Me. Carlos is like, me.

I do wear short shorts. I know. We saw you yesterday. I mean, last week. We had a B-Watch themed episode, Mark. My mom, like I see pictures of me and my mom, I don't know what she wanted for me, but my mom was always kind of hip. But there's pictures of me in literally a purple hot pants

outfit like with purple and white short shorts and a purple and white tank top with a star on it like what was going on there she turned into a star i guess her doll it was like it was yeah it was like early 70s shit you know like a david bowie type looking i don't know i think she just was groovy like i remember like there was like some vest pictures, you know, and some like bell bottom pictures. Yeah. Was she the creative spirit in your home? Yeah, she was a painter. And, you know, she's still kind of that.

She paints and does stuff. Does she live in Albuquerque? She lives in Florida. Florida. Is your dad in Albuquerque still? Yes. As far as he kind of knows yet. Imagine like just choosing. Never mind. Sorry, Albuquerque yes as far as he kind of knows yet imagine like just choosing never mind

sorry albuquerque just choosing to live there forever i thought i was looking at places i was going to go back but then i like santa fe it's cute right and i i grew up there but it's also on fire so we really need to get away from the places that burn every year and maybe find places have water fire careful of the fire crashes. I've gotten real nervous about that. So I don't want to be, I want to get out before the freak out about no water happens. I don't want to be stuck in traffic,

you know, heading east with everyone else in Los Angeles. You think it's going to go like that? It's going to be like a... Well, I mean, I don't know what we know and what we're being told and also where you get your information. I'm just not getting the information.

I'm just going to be like chilling. You know what's really creepy? Hold on to that liquid death. That's all I'm saying. If you're getting cases of it. This is what's going to save us? Yeah, you're going to need the liquid death. So if you've got the,

I've got like 40 cases of that shit. That's good. Just in case. No, they keep sending it. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not doing it on purpose. People come over and it's embarrassing. It's like, what's going on? I'm like, just take like just take some yeah you're right yeah doomsday prepper when i've been um

spearfishing in lake mead you can see where the water line used to be and it's like stories and stories high and it's so you know you hear about it but then you're like eh whatever there's still water there but then you actually go there and you see how much water we're missing. And you're like, oh, shit. How fast did that happen? But this is the other side of belief. A couple years. Right?

The thing we were talking about before, you want to believe stuff. Most of what we're doing to get by is total magical thinking. Right? Yeah. I mean, that's the reality of it. But we're like, we're okay, right? Aren't we? I'm just like, I was going, no, no, no, no, no.

I was like, what's a syllable? Sure, exactly. What's a syllable? Exactly exactly exactly you just how the powerlessness of it is so like overwhelming you sort of just have to be like i think i'm okay i'm showering less time that's gonna help i know sometimes i'm like should i have kids or not no yeah i know why thank you for saying that why know. How do you spend your life, however long that's going to be, or theirs, for that point, convincing them of what?

I mean, I got nothing against kids, but I don't know what the conversations are that you have with them to make them believe that everything's going to be okay. I mean, that's your primary objective as a fucking parent is to take care of the kid

and make them think that it's going to be okay. Try that. Try me. Make me think everything's going to be okay. Try that. Try me. Make me think everything's going to be okay, Annie. Go to sleep, little one. It's nap time, little one.

Hungry? Come have a suckle. But maybe I'm being cynical. Maybe, I mean, I don't know. No, not you. Do you know what joke of yours I always think of is when you're like, you had to get an ultrasound on your heart and you're like, surprise, it's a girl. I love that joke.

That's the funniest joke. Yeah, yeah. That's my favorite marriage. And I say, I kind of knew. I don't know why that doesn't get a laugh. I mean, I think people, because I did it for a while. I enjoy it. You put it on a special. they did it for a while. They enjoy it. You put it on a special.

I saw it on a special. Was it? Yeah. But like a cardiologist said, you know, people make the baby joke all the time. But that's not the joke. The joke that it minds a girl. I have a girl heart. Of course. Yeah.

Fuck that girl. People get it. Yeah. They just don't. We all got it. They're not moved to laugh. They're thinking about it. They're going going that's

true he is he's a real fucking girl yeah exactly i don't know if they say it like that but thank you are you are you still mad at your ex-wife or have you gotten through that who misha yeah no i'm not mad and it hasn't been i kind of let that go it kind of she did a kind of a great thing after about a decade of my anger. Like I used to. Did you know her? You didn't know her. I never met her now. Excuse me.

I used to. I used to email. She got me sober, really, you know, and I used to email her every year on my sober birthday to thank her for getting me sober. It was the only time I would email her. But, you know, this is after a year. It's just we it was horrible, but it went on for I just kept doing it and uh just once a year and just trashing her on your podcast on the I I don't I stopped doing that I don't know if I trashed her I was trying to be

diplomatic I think I was ultimately looking to connect with her somehow yeah you know I haven't even run into her yeah and that's so frustrating. Yeah, because you run into people that like, if this were New York, you'd be running into everybody. But for some reason, people in LA, once they find their pocket, they're there. So if you're not going into that world, you're not going to see them. But anyway, so every year on August 19th or 9th or whatever,

thank you, despite whatever, thank you for giving. And then for some reason, the last time I did it, she wrote uh back she said if i want to hear from you i'll let you know oh she married you well kind of but like i then i realized like oh my god i'm that guy where you know the email comes in and she's like oh fuck yeah she has on her calendar like oh it's her like it's her the worst day of her year not even just you don't want to be that guy who shows up on a phone we all have those people where you're like why does this person keep yes doing this yeah that's actually she that's a great comeback i'm gonna steal that from her sure it was boundaries what is it gonna be oh i have a couple people that i need to use that on a former lawyer a former friend you know as your former lawyer and friend

i just remembered i forgot to tell you guys this i so i went on um family vacation to long uh long beach island and my boyfriend wasn't with me i was just with my nephews and my older brother and my parents and at that we went to the like county fair and at the fair i ran into my ex-boyfriend's best friend the rollerblader wife yes the rollerblader yes and it was so weird i was like hey guys because i have no interest in like any sort of unhealthy uh x stuff so i didn't bring him up at all like i wasn't like how is it because it's not my business anymore like we're good i i he's happy and hopefully he is but I just was like hey and then it was like it was there was like 10 seconds of just like

staring at each other and she just went okay thanks for coming over yeah I have a question about that in regards to social media do you when you break up with somebody do you then unfollow or unfriend all of their family members is that the rule I wasn't following any of them and i'm what social media like like you know like i don't have they love facebook i don't have facebook or i pretty much don't let go of anyone so they're gonna have to unfollow me first like really yeah i don't i think that's so mean to like unfollow someone that you had a connection with because you dated someone like i would not unfollow but it's like rude i've unfollow someone that you had a connection with because you dated someone like i would not unfollow but i don't follow friends because it's sort of like enough already dude yes

okay so we're here to educate you about the new manscaped 2.0 boxer briefs and here's what i'm going to say okay the micro modal fabric is buttery soft and breathable keeping you cool as a cucumber in you know where what's amazing is you can choose from an arrangement of designs and colors and these boxer briefs I know Dave has been wearing them they're perfect he loves them you guys I'm at a boat harbor somewhere in Dana Point. I'm going diving today which means I have to be in a boat which means that I have to be in a swimsuit and because I'm a considerate human being and I want to present to society correctly or considerately, guess what I did this morning? I took the Lawnmower 4.0 from Manscaped and I did a nice little friendly trim and this summer I want you guys to do the

same. You guys this is the best electric trimmer on the market. It has a really cool LED light which I need for precision and on top of that it's waterproof. You guys can get 20% off plus free shipping with the code trash at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code trash at manscape.com again that's 20 off plus free shipping with the code trash at manscape.com i mean i posted a picture of me on the toilet yesterday which doesn't really go it just was a funny picture sorry i couldn't help it i love girl i love hot girl on toilet pictures i feel like guys really or don't like it i don't know well it's just i mean i don't help it i love girl i love hot girl on toilet pictures i feel like guys really or don't like it well it's just i mean i don't know if i've ever sought them out maybe i gotta let me do some research it does remind me of like you just look up hot girl on toilet

no could you bring that up on the screen look it up because they definitely have that of course yeah there's guys that are always in our comments trying to give us get us to give each other wedgies like they obviously have like a wedgie fetish. How sorry do you... Once you see it, do you look at nine pictures of wedgies? What is a fetish like that? I think they like to see the wedgie. It's probably that upset in the face, I'm sure I'm assuming.

The moment of pain. But I'm just guessing. I have no clue. I'm not a real fetish guy, so I don't quite understand it. I probably do, and I'm not looking at it. That is not. Just like a sad girl. That is not working for me.

The reason that I love posing on a toilet is that it gives me the illusion of big hips in a small way. That's me texting Kalilah when I have my miscarriage. And I'll tell you exactly what the text is. Is this a miscarriage or just my period? I know exactly what the text is, Esther. Oh, that's sad.

It's usually at two in the morning and it's, let's build wealth. Whenever I want to get Esther to, sometimes on stage, I'll try to call Esther and she won't pick up. And then I'll go, what should I say to her that'll get her to pick up? And I go, give me a call. I go, it's something about money. Pick up. And then she picks up.

Financial opportunity ahead. I was, I think I was, like, I have memories. There were two times I've accidentally, like, at a restaurant, walked into a bathroom and there was a woman peeing in there. Like, and it was this moment. Like, I remember, was it Viselka once in New York? I remember Viselka, yeah. Yeah. And it was just an accident.

That's a small bathroom, too. Yeah. But the look on her face was so humiliated that, like, I can't. That you celka, yeah. Yeah. And it was just an accident. That's a small bathroom too, yeah. Yeah, but the look on her face was so humiliated that like I can't. That you came everywhere? Yeah, exactly. And I felt bad because I kept standing there.

That's where this came from, yeah. No, I just. She was just wiping her face. It was tears and semen. I felt like I felt so embarrassed and mortified that the memory is in my head. I think it is.

It's not a good memory. I think it is. I just feel like I'm sorry I embarrassed her. I think it's more embarrassing for the person is in my head. I think it is. It's not a good memory. I think it is. I just feel like, I'm sorry I embarrassed her. I think it's more embarrassing for the person walking in. I do too. I think that's probably true. Yeah.

Because I have, my cleaning lady walked in and I'd be like, oh dude, it was like just the worst. Because, I'll tell you exactly what was happening.

Please. I bet. And she's there today. But like, I mean. You're like, she still works with me. Yeah, yeah. But no, I wasn't. I was in my bathroom upstairs.

And I had gotten like from doing sit-ups, I'd gotten like a thing on my top of my ass crack. Like, you know, like that kind of. Yeah. So I was like putting, I was literally putting cream on that when she walked in. And you kind of had to spread. Well, yeah. I'm kind of standing there was literally putting cream on that when she walked in. And you kind of had to spread. Well, yeah, I'm kind of standing there putting ointment on my ass. And she's like, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm like, no, no, I wasn't. No, it was just ointment. I wasn't. Come back in. I have to show you the whole thing. I'm not doing anything weird. I'm just like, can you do this for me? Yeah. Help me out.

Getting walked in on is definitely like something that i feel like you let it happen you once and then you learn how to never have it happen again what and getting embarrassed getting walked in on oh but depends on what you're doing like if i wouldn't want anyone to walk in on me well because i don't have any toilet shame if you walk in on me while i'm peeing whatever i don't care no yeah never close i have moments of just deep depression in the shower just with my tits hanging on like both sides like deep thought like just a thousand yard stare that's when i don't want anyone walking because i'm not standing straight i'm just like in this slump all of us are like maybe we do have a fetish i was like huh the thing i remember about that that horrible moment is how horrified

this woman was at vaselka and it's a million years ago but she always she was also in that i because i saw her come out because you got to deal with that that's right yeah but she was like total kind of like at that time it was probably the 80s like punk rock aggressive feminism kind of person and i'm like what a fucking nightmare for that person for just some dude to walk i projected a lot but i decided to feel like uh horrendous about it for a decade well hopefully she's listening i think she's all right i think she'll be all right mark is here to apologize to you mark are you into bananas i haven't eaten a banana in a long time i got i got walked in on

someone told me they're just all sugar i think my mom uh walked down me on me jerking off when i was in high school probably but how's that not gonna happen because you're just constantly jerking off when you're in high school yeah that happened to me too it did my uh and they know they already know like i mean what do they think that like mound of kleenex shoved under your bed i know what it is my mom my mom i came home from school once and my mom was like your brother's been masturbating so much i found all these crunchy socks she's like the toilet paper's gone crunchy socks how's that not the title of something stiff socks it's a podcast okay it's like tre a podcast okay it's well trevor wallace shout out

but um and mike blaustein right um blaustein yeah i like him he's cool but i wanted to make sure we said his name because trevor's more successful than him so i wanted to get his name in there too we gotta rise you up we gotta rise you up rise you up i got walked in i was living on my friend's couch and he walked in on me he goes what are you masturbating and i really was like oh god fucking embarrassing and then one time he sat down he's like is this your fucking vibrator on my ass i'm like maybe can i tell you guys a horror story yes i have never told i don't think i've even told bobby but I had double pneumonia at 17 and I was in a hospital for I was an Arcadia Methodist for about two weeks

but this doesn't end with you getting raped? I'm bored no but it's the only time I've ever been embarrassed to get walked in on and it was because I was I had missed a dance, I was still in the hospital I was really fat from all the prednisone I was I had missed a dance I was still in the hospital I was really fat from

all the prednisone I was really hungry and my stepbrother came to visit I'm a brother fucker Mark yeah I'm just watching fetishes develop in Mark's life I like that one wait wait keep going so my stepbrother comes to visit. And you're all weak. And I'm just weak to everything. You're bloated, but it's like juicy. But I'm really in a rage because that's what steroids does to you. They make you moon-faced and angry.

And I was getting all of these like breathing treatments. And I'm like, I'm bored. I'm supposed to be at a dance. And he came over to see me. And I was like, hey, will you just fuck me fuck me and he did and then the nurse came in and then her supervisor had to have a talk with me and like reprimand me and it was a whole thing and I honestly I I'm sweating so much just saying this because that's the only true feeling of like shame I've had about being walked in on because I was fucking my brother at a hospital is that the first time you your brother no but it was maybe like maybe like the third time

but i mean he was a very like sweet meek boy he he's he's passed you know he killed himself at not too long after oh my god i'm laughing but this is and it grows the fetish no no i think it just died we saw the full arc of a fetish the full life cycle of a fetish just grew and it died in within five minutes i have to say the hot thing there is like you're in the hospital and of course that's the part you like you fake sick gave yourself munchhausen you're a fucking bitch I'm so weak you have munchkenhausen

I once walked in on a woman I was with at some time who jerked off like with water and I once walked in on her

fucking the faucet and I was pretty excited did you get jealous the faucet or it doesn't like stuck on or a removable shower head she liked the removable shower heads,

but if they weren't there, she'd get up under the faucet. Come on. No choices? No. Oh yeah. Don't make it too hot, but don't make it too cold either.

And you'd like to walk in on someone doing that. You'd be like, whoa, okay, a lot of work going on there. I gotta, I'm sorry. You're trying not to drown,

she had a snorkel on i saved it from the suicidal yeah we usually just laugh and bring it up keep going someone commented i know we shouldn't read comments but i did read them someone was like can they stop joking about being molested no bitch we can't are you serious that's our that's our thesis statement that's our dissertation everybody was molested in different ways except esther but i feel like um mentally she's been molested over the years thank you problems we'll leave it at that we call her our resident molester no my most epic uh telling of my molested story was on your podcast yes

like a long it was like an involved narrative it was crazy but then i got over it yeah yeah i keep trying to think if i was molested yeah because um there was i remember when we were you're cutting those shorts pretty short i know i know it's a sign i know it is i know i read about it no it was uh that when we were kids me and my brother and when we lived in alaska my dad was in the military and um they let some sergeant's son babysit us like i had a series of weird babysitters And I do remember him like suggesting to me and my brother, and he took his dick out and shit. But like it's sort of kind of like I don't recall doing anything.

Yeah. But I kind of recall, I'm sort of like maybe my brother did, but I don't think I, you know, kind of throw my brother. Well, Tennis seems like he's getting some like molested aggravation out. But like there was just a series of babysitters. There was a couple of women too that took their boobs out. I remember, yeah, it was crazy. I hear that a lot from my male friends.

And from their babysitters. Yeah, because I remember that one of my friends, TJ, he was like, yeah, the first time I'd ever seen like hairy tits on a woman was when I was a child and my babysitter would be like, look at my tits, look at my tits. And I was like, I think that's not appropriate.

He was like, are you sure? He was like, I was fine with it at that time. I was like, yeah, I don't think she was doing you a favor. I remember there was a babysitter that said, like picked up this huge book. Like me and my brother, we must have been, I must have been like under 10, like it must have been seven. That would have been enough to traumatize me.

Don't make me read. And she just picks up this huge book and she goes i don't feel anything when i read like and i remember we like we undressed her kind of after she said that yeah because that's sort of what she wanted she was just sort of like like go ahead oh my god and uh and i remember these weirdos whoa wait i'm gonna try that in bed i don't feel anything when I read. I remember I was like hooking up with this guy once and I was like wasted. And I was like, I want to suck your dick at the library. This was just, I don't know why.

But I was like, what? I go, what book would you read if I sucked your dick at the library? And he said the Bible. And it was actually pretty funny. He's going to answer, the Bible? Corinthians. My friend Tyson, what's up? I'm just sad now that I never had babysitters.

Oh, you never had a babysitter? But you had a babysitter? You were a babysitter. No, I was, but I had a babysitter only literally once. It's because I had an older sister, and so she was just always up in her room, and I was by myself. Is that why you were kept in a crate most of the time? It's why I'm so lonely forever. It's nice they poked the holes though for you to breathe thank you yeah sweetest part no it was i was gated in to my room i wasn't created i had a um i had a

babysitter who big difference guys he really he i remember his pants were unzipped yeah so he had um he had jeans on his pants were unzipped and there was no underwear and me and my brothers i don't know if he had fallen asleep jerking off or something because i know my parents like later on i found out that my parents had fired a couple babysitters because they kept stealing their porns or they would leave them in oh so they were like jerking off to my parents porns like while they were babysitting us yeah yeah the decency to spider-man it out they're just but um so then uh we went to the kitchen and we got ice and we put ice in his so it kind of feels like we took back the night i don't know you know when i first came here from um the philippines they had promised me because i was molested by

a family member in the philippines that was the firstestation. So when I came to America, I had spent my childhood watching Rescue 911 in the Philippines. I was like, America's got authority figures and nothing bad's gonna happen to me there. And my first MTA bus ride on a 483 down Fair Oaks, a man across from me on like the disabled seat put his dick between a book and then just started moving his book like this.

And then maybe I've had like subway jerker offers on behalf of our country. They had subway jerker. I've had- She's like, oh, I'm sorry. Did you think your book molester story was good? Or do I have one? Have you ever heard of the bookmark move?

Okay. And so- Did you dogger the page while he was doing doing it i was just this illusion of like safety was what i was gonna find in this brand new land and then just people could not stop jerking off in buses i'm like what the fuck is and now you're dating the opposite of a cop bobby lee wow yeah no flasher stuff is so weird because i i got i had a guy um drive by me when i was running pretty recently this was like kind of like still got it um and he like beeped i looked over and he was jerking up but his dick was flaccid and it was like there was like an insult

added to it where he wasn't hard but he was just beating his like and and you felt you had to work harder yeah i was like i guess i should run faster any hint of a guy going soft on me i'm out that room same i do not want to see it all coming down i don't want to be around your shame i don't want the explanation i'm like you did okay bye it's not me it's not me i'm just like it's fine it's fine i love that like just pick up your thing you don't like the the common apology i i not only do i not like the common apology i don't want to even sit there and attempt to get you back up i'm like you know what because then i'm gonna take on the shame of being like that was me i couldn't get there it's

hard to not take it on yeah but you know what i did i started what if he said like it's not you i just don't really like you could you help me can you can you talk in a lower register? Talk a little lower voice. I always, I turned it into, I'm just so hot. They can't get their dick up. What? I hate that. You know what? I'm just so high.

You can't handle it. I, you know, sometimes I'm like, not obviously with Todd, but with other guys where I've just been like trying really hard to imagine there's someone else when they start talking and like, please shut the fuck up. You're fucking ruining this. Really?

Yeah, where you're just so sick of the person you're buying and you're like, oh, trying to think about the guy at the gas station. The guy at the gas station.

I've never had that. Like, I've never really thought about a person in life. I feel like that's more, I wouldn't be a person's what I know I would never like because I do actually not I'm just not like if I'm with someone I'm not like thinking about like a specific person yeah yeah but I see a lot it gotcha okay I remember when before that my second wife split before mission split split i remember specifically uh knowing that she was

completely vacant when she was fucking me how did you know because like i remember having talked to her about something years before about someone she had gone out with but i just knew that like she just shut off to me but she wasn't you know ready to split, but she wasn't ready to split yet. Like she wasn't in order. So she was still sort of playing along, but I could just see in her face. She was very beautiful. Was it like the. No, it wasn't lifeless.

It was just sort of like she was pretty enough. Like she's beautiful. Like she's a really beautiful person. So like she was just turning on the power of the beauty in my face. And I'm like, there was nothing going on and it was like so disturbing yeah it was it that and the walking in on the punk girl at the bathroom so people when people like don't want to fuck you and they're just doing it to do it it feels bad i think i i'm with you there i i mean i understand it in retrospect i mean i guess we've all kind of done it yeah yes definitely i've ever had

sometimes i'm like you could really probably like take a picture of my face right now and i could get cast as like one of those corpses on svu like i am not with us here staircase season two are you watching that thing yeah do are you i didn I didn't watch it, no. Okay. I'm trying to watch that Severance. I know, it's hard. I keep falling asleep. It is hard. Yeah, it's a little tiring. I like the idea of it.

It's making me anxious. Yeah. Not in a good way. It's just sort of like, I get it, there's hallways. If you cut out the hallways, that'd be like three episodes. Did you see We Crashed? No. What's that one?

I like that about the WeWork. Oh, right. And Jared Leto plays the guy. Oh, yeah. Is it good acting? I love her. He actually was kind of great like they were i really liked it he like he's pretty good and halfway i love her so much when i met her like i was like beside myself really tell us what was people turned on her people turned on her on the um when her and james franco were hosting the thing because they saw too much of the like act.

She would be like, ha ha ha. Well, that's because he fucked her. Yeah. He fucked her over. Yeah. So he was pissed the whole time. Well, no, he did a bit. He dismissed the ceremony.

So he was going to just pretend like it was bullshit. But she wasn't in on the joke. So he kind of left her hanging like that. Oh, I see. That makes so much sense. I don't remember what happened. He just like like he just condescended the entire oscar thing and they were co-hosting he's like i'm just here to get my dick sucked by a 17 year old allegedly yeah allegedly yeah he was just you know dismissive of the whole thing and his attitude but she wasn't

in on it and she was trying to do the job and now i want to watch some clips because i bet you it was more like her being like. Probably. But I just always loved her. I don't know why. There's some shiny people like I've met in my life. But I liked her before that. I had a crush on her.

I can't explain it. Did you ever have her on your show? I did. Yeah. And I one time I saw her in New York before I had her on my show. And, you know, I was not nobody but close. But I remember I just saw her and it was that moment like I should go

and I'm like how is that gonna go like she doesn't know me I'm just gonna be another one of those idiots like hey you know I really um wow okay you know like I'm not you have to like name drop like your best credits you have to be like um you have to do it quick oh there she is yeah the old house yeah who are some other shiny

shiny people who else is shiny oh mandy moore is one of the shiniest people i've ever seen she seems real shiny really totally like uh in terms of like one-on-one with with shiny people when she walked up to my house i was like what the where did this person come from like she landed from somewhere yeah and she brought cookies and some people yeah you're like how are you allowed to talk to me exactly yeah like we're not the same species what are you allowed to talk to me? Exactly. Yeah. Like, we're not the same species. What are you? There's some shiny dudes, too.

There's, oh, look at her. Yeah, she's definitely shiny. I'm trying to think of someone I met like that. Josh Brolin's pretty, pretty shiny. Oh, yeah. I've seen him. He lives in, or he was in Santa Fe for movies. I used to see him all the time.

That guy's just like, the charm situation with that guy is pretty intense. Oh, Ray Liotta. How was that one? Great. We might have killed him, Mark. We accidentally killed him. We just brought him up. We brought him up and then he died like moments later.

The next day, yeah. Do you guys have that power? Because there's three of you? Yeah, we said we thought he was hot. Witchcraft circle. It is. Do you remember what drinking was back in the day? Sure.

Wait, Mark, what kind of drunk were you? In high school, I was pretty sloppy. But as I got older, I was balancing it with blow. So I wasn't like a constant blackout drinker, but I was just sort of bloated and sweaty and aggravated. Real cirrhosis kind of. I was blackout. I don't know if I was cirrhosis i just

was i kind of mixed it up but uh i definitely was um every day well i mean it was doing stand-up it was i think i hit the the bottom in new york so i mean it was like at least four or five days a week did you ever do like the same jokes accidentally drunk on stage well if you there were some places where you would do two or three shows and you didn't know so i don't know that i did that but there were certainly nights where i did the same joke or i started the same joke twice and i'm like did i i had that worry sober i'm so afraid i'm always like sometimes neither of you have done that no never and they're just all looking at you and i'm like what happened it's like you just did that yeah and then they're like oh thank god i thought you just hated my joke

much better it was a it was a comic error to me it's like such an ultimate form of humiliation because everyone else knows and you're standing there it just seems so you know it's an ultimate form of humiliation doing stand-up agree firmly agree yeah what is this job we do but there used to be nights where on the road where you have to do three shows on a saturday so by the third show you're like out of your fucking mind you're like did i do you have to qualify everything it's like did i do the one about i didn't right okay here it is well it's like if i'm like when i was in san francisco by the last show i was so fucking tired just because I was like having so much fun.

I'm up so late. Yeah. Did you ever have a relationship with weed? Yeah. Every day. Yeah. It's just like constant. I mean, I always had weed.

I loved it. Woke up, had weed all day, had a little one hitter. I still have my little dumb pipe and the little wooden case. I used to keep my weed in. Maybe, you know, i know you always want you always wish a grandparent would hand you down like an heirloom this is just weird almost looks like a handmade wooden pipe and back in in new york it just you tuck into phone booths when there are phone booths but now everything's legal it's so weird i know but you just had i was always

like in phone booths wait that is crazy to think that when you were smoking weed it was illegal and you had to hide it that well if you go to te that when you were smoking weed it was illegal and you had to hide it that well if you go to texas you have to like i you know if like go into corners and stuff and i when i was smoking weed and i was in texas i would smoke like a little bit in the bathroom but then it's like if you get caught smoking it's like so fucking expensive new york it's you the the entire city smells like weed now like everywhere smells like weed in new york whoa isn't the weed really strong are people because like pot will fuck you up i don't i mean you have no reference because you never smoked in high school you just got into it yeah yeah i guess you have different

strains and degrees of it's you can kind of manage it a little bit for me it's intolerable compared to this shit that i used to smoke in high school because you have to smoke a lot bit for me it's intolerable compared to this shit that i used to smoke in high school because you have to smoke a lot back then now it's like the tiniest but i had to call nine i called 911 on myself the last time i took an oh i love that i love it it was embarrassing 911 she thought it was gonna be rescue 911 she was used to seeing that as a kid america is safe they've got me they come um i i took an edible i went to sleep this was a couple years ago and i woke up in the middle of the night thinking that i was in full blown cardiac arrest she has heart problems i have heart problems already what kind i have an arrhythmia

i have an arrhythmia and um i had a procedure done about five years ago where they go in through my femoral artery and then they take these little radio frequency things and they burn off abnormal tissue in my heart. And then you just go home that same day. Yeah. But you're fixed then. Were you depressed after it though? Because it still is a heart surgery. My dad got that. Well, what happened, I was depressed because I started getting worse and worse episodes immediately after which i wasn't told would happen but um

yeah you just you just go home it's kind of fucking cool how that works it's like okay there you go we you know but hard stuff fucks with you because the hearts dude previous to that i didn't go out for two years because i had a full mistrust of my body i was you know an athlete my whole life i was division one swimmer and all of a sudden your heart's like hey just kidding bitch like we're no longer gonna beat correctly for you and so i had a mistrust of my body i thought every tiny feeling was heart related i was like over checking my little symptoms i would go to gelson's and have a panic attack at the produce aisle and yeah like things

like that but after i got just in general i went to the cardiologist i got and there's a thing i have a thing what is it i want to know the thing uh i guess i'm not sure what the name for it i always had a had a little plaque i knew that because i went and got a plaque test and i think it was from smoking my most of my life but uh but now i've got like one of my valves has a little backwash on the beat it's a little murmur it's not a murmur a little backwash and what they say about it but it's just they're like um all right and i'm like so what do i got to do he's like well you're my heart rate's really low my blood pressure's always low because i'm in good shape he's like well you exercise a lot right yeah he's like we'll just keep doing that i'm like okay yeah

the fuck am i gonna do like it's my heart. Yeah, you freak out. Yeah, but a little, you know, a little backwash is fine. Now, was your dad healthy? My dad was nuts. I was a hypochondriac all my life. But I think that was one of the resolutions that I kind of made with my old man. I realized that the reason I was a hypochondriac, it was because that's how I could get attention from my old man, because he was a doctor.

So I had this very weird thing about hypo. I tell a huge long story about how my hypochondria was resolved that involves a urologist that my dad knew, oddly, whose son just came to see me. Why a urologist? What was happening? Oh, well, I've told it many times but like it was one of these situations where you know i was freaking out of college and i kept calling my dad and i kept calling him and saying like i have prostate cancer he's like you don't and i'm like no it's like my

i don't know i feel it my balls and my ass kind of like it's like i think i have prostate cancer dad take a look yeah well that's sort of where it goes right so i'm like he's like you don't i just kept driving him nuts like with this prostate cancer so when i got home i arrived at night and he's like and i'm like i have the prostate cancer my dad's like well i'm taking you to see bob rosen right now this is his friend who's urologist that's the thing about having a doctor dad you could see doctors at any time yeah but this was your Oh my God. Your dream comes true. I'm so jealous. Carlos got the vaccine before every elderly person in the United States of America. Sure, I got it in 2020. But this is awkward,

because now it's nighttime, we're driving to Bob Rosen's house. You haven't washed your balls. We're driving to Bob Rosen's house. You're getting to go to a doctor's house at night? Yeah, but he doesn't like, but for prostate cancer. So we get to the door.

This is like the cream on the top of the ultimate VIP. Yeah. And this guy's eating dinner with his family. And my dad's like, my kid thinks he has prostate cancer. Exactly. Right. Exactly. So then I walk in with my dad and Bob Rosen. We're in Bob Rosen's bedroom. And he goes, maybe we should do this at the office. I'm like, yeah, maybe that would be more appropriate. So he doesn't finger bang me at the house. Bless him. Yes. You don't want to be finger banged by a doctor.

No, unless it's at the office and he's looking for prostate cancer. Maybe that's what your doctor was saying. But the buildup, the whole process of the story is I get the finger banging. I get the fluid out of my dick. And it turns out I have prostatitis, which is a stress infection. Oh, you're on a thing. Yeah. stress infection yeah so i get the medicine and then i go through the medicine i'm home on christmas break and after i run the medicine i still think it i still think i have it i'm like it still hurts a little bit so i go back to bob i'm like i don't think it went away and i kind of make him finger bang me again and he's like no it's gone and then like the last like the last week i'm home i decide i'd have

herpes on my dick i didn't even have sex it's like a jerk off sore or something so i go back to bob and i show him my dick he's like wow there is something there maybe we should go to the hospital so we go to the hospital and then we go back to his office and i swear to god this is after a month of this shit rosen's holding my dick looking at it and he looks up at me and goes, there's nothing wrong with you. Do you like coming here? He like leans in for a kiss. Exactly. And that was, and then it went away. It kind of went away after that. I'm like

maybe, maybe that kind of attention is not necessary. It was psychosomatic. It was just the embarrassment of like, why am I here every five minutes? Why do I constantly go to doctors? But do you think it's like you already broke, you broke the seal of having the finger banging and then you're like, no, I think maybe is there something to like, when you go and you find out there's nothing wrong, like that sues you. So you want to keep going and keep being told.

Sure. There's that. And it was just sort of the repetition. Like now when I, I'm kind of, I have to, I had to build some sort of strength around, like, if there's something wrong with me, it's like, well, wait a couple of days, see what happens yes but like younger me it was like i gotta go to the emergency room i have had that so drilled in my head by my parents it's like you wait a while if you still have that problem in a week in a month then not just bleeding or something but you know yeah yeah i was yeah i'm so the opposite of that we bleed a lot i'm so the opposite of that. We bleed a lot. I'm so the opposite of that. It's like I pay a ridiculous amount for health insurance for a PPO. If that's at my disposal with $20 copay, I can have that peace of mind. I'm going to go.

I'll definitely go to the clinic. Like that Bob Hope Clinic, the AFSAC after clinic. You can go there. I didn't have health insurance for so long that I have to remind myself I have health insurance. Because I'm so used to just brushing anything off. Like it's fine i'll just no you gotta use it get your physicals and all that shit if you gotta get it i have it but the reason i'm like this is because my mom used to wait out when i was younger my sister had like really bad asthma and my sister would be having a full-blown asthma attack cyanotic blue in the lips and she'd be like i don't think

you need your inhaler so she would withhold the inhaler from my sister and see if my sister could get through it just with a steam shower i don't know did it has anyone said your mom was kind of fucked up my mom is uh fucked up i i love her very much today she is um but but yeah i mean like she was that type so i completely switched it is weird because our parents do listen to our do our podcast oh they do yeah but that's what it's like a reverse my dad loves your podcast too that's when I first got real clout

with my dad oh really I go don't actually listen to it though what are those these are Yeezy foam runners Kanye West

oh they're kind of interesting yeah I have to pee are we almost done yeah we are we're good on that

Carlos go stick a finger up his ass will you please someone hold my dick while I pee thank you so much this was so much fun thank you Mark for being here and thanks everyone for watching

thank you guys brand new episode next week