TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* Balthasar Speedboat MMXXIV: Horse-Flavoured Wine feat. Aidan Jones

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

No plot, just riffs, and it's friend of the show Aidan Jones joining Milo and Riley to discuss a number of things. But primarily Australian coffee and the natural wine fad that drives Riley up the wall, mostly because the wine tastes like a horse-barn by design? Or something? Get the whole episode on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/112883493 *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s UK Tour Here: https://miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

If you are like, I want to have a very nice piece of steak right now. So I'm going to go to somewhere that's like, Hey, come here. We have a nice piece of steak. This is what we do. And you go there and you go there and they're like, oh yeah, by the way, here's some like Sainsbury's like free flowing iodized table salt in a shaker. Yes. Fuck off. It's like that fucking band when they had on their rider only the blue M&Ms.

And the reason they would put that is not because they give a fuck about blue M&Ms, but it's because if they didn't put that, then probably something in the production of the show has also been fucked up because they didn't read the instructions. This is like that. The salt shaker is the bellwether for the amount of effort that's been put into the rest of the meal. You know what? And it's not, and I think some people think that's a kind of version of snobbery, but I think it's the opposite. It's like, no, if I'm going to spend my time and effort, I want it to be fucking good. Yeah. Cause it's almost the opposite of snobbery. The snobbery would be like, I don't even care. This is so meaningless to me. It's just about spending

the money as opposed to being like, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is like meaningful to me. Yeah. I'm not going to engage with it. If it's not, if it's just going to be like, I think there are a limited number of dinners that you're going to eat before you die. Yeah. And- I believe that. Saying that over a techno beat. There are a limited number of dinners you're going to eat before you die. Annabelle Arroyo got really weird.

There are a limited number of dinners you are going to eat before you die. The man with the dinner eats. The man with the fork follows him. When the man with the dinner is chilled. Pick up the dinner and begin shoveling. The hungry boy picks up the dinner and begins scarfing. Don't worry, Stalin, we have a new secret weapon against fascism. It is this hungry little boy.

He is so hungry. He ate a tiger tank. Look at him. He get home from school and take four cookies out of thing because he believe if he has two, he will eat both before he sit down. That was me. I did that. I never got two because I would eat two by the time I got to the table. So I needed, I get four so I could have some when I sat down. That's like, are you a man who will take a beer for the road from a pub? Because that's the same mentality.

This was me as a sort of, as a tween, getting home from school. And I never understood this. I was like, set down your road beer by the biscuit tin. Canada is a place that loves to drunk drive, basically. Of course, especially Alberta. Alberta sort of semi-legalized it. It's a sensible public health led approach to legalizing drunk driving. That's right.

You're like Portugal with drugs. Yeah. Oh yeah. People are going to drunk drive, Ace. We'd rather they did it in a safe and regulated manner. We've set up a little test track where there's a there's cushion sides and you can do all the drunk driving you like. They should do a Nurburgring but for drunk driving.

Yes. Yet now we're cooking. What's a Nurburgring? The Nurburgring is like a famous car test track in Germany. So it's like it with Audi is going to like produce a new like A3 for drug dealers or whatever. They're going to be like, but first we must send it around the Nurburgring as a benchmark for how it performs against other A3s. And it's a real like European car guy mecha where people take their like their M3 or whatever and they go and drive around the Nurburgring.

But also people do it with like hilariously unsuitable things like vans and stuff. So anyone can do it with any car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are like sick videos you can find online of people just like fang in a high and die gets around the Nurburgring. It's like pretty cool. So I think there should be a special, we don't even need a separate Nurburgring. It could just be like, we're building like another replica Nurburgring. There's been a Nusselbring.

We have built Mr. Bond. I'm imagining someone doing it with like a truck full of refugees, you know, how fast can you get the truck full of refugees around the Nurburgring to like think about, you know, escaping from wherever over the border. That's right. But I think there should be a drunk driving Nurburgring where on Tuesday nights, right, Tuesday nights at the Nurburgring, right, you show up. They're breathalyzing them before they go on the course to make sure that they're drunk.

Yeah. It's like, if you could drive here, you can't continue to drive in the Nürburgring. Like you have to have been driven here. OK. Right? Ah ha. Ah ha. Right?

And then you get on and it's all safe. You know, it'll be fine. There's cushioned walls. It'll be fine. Basically. Everyone's driving a Volvo. You drive whatever. Yeah, that's not, that's not.

Hang on. That's not, if you're going to drunk drive, you're going to drunk drive a Volvo. No, no, no. You can drunk drive whatever you want. You could drunk drive like, you know, the big clown float that they'll have, you know, this kind of thing. Right. Okay. But crucially it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's sand banks and what have you. Yeah. Stuff like that. Whatever, whatever it will be. Whatever it is. Let's not get caught up in the details. Let's not get caught up in the details. Let's just agree that it's fine. That'll be for other people, German people to figure out. And we'll leave that to the philosophers. Put bumper rings on your McLaren F1 or whatever. I don't agree with this concept, but I must make it as safe as possible. That is a task I've been

given. I wish heaven to Argentina with the rest of the family. I could be running a steak house in Edinburgh. Yes, Argentinian steak and broth. Yeah. But now I'm doing road safety for drunk driving. But now I've been repatriated to Germany and I've, I did, I did very light Nazism. I was sentenced to community service to make the Nürburgring suitable for drunk driving. There you go. That would be fun. You know what you could call the rice at the Nürburgring? Yeah. The Nürburgrally. There you go.

Do you like that Riley? Nürburgring? Oh, right. Yes. Okay. There we go. I thought I was looking for an alcohol association. I'm going old school. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Vintage. I hate it when I turn up to the drunk driving night at Nürburgring and I'm not drunk enough and they make me have a glass of natural wine. That would suck though. Natural wine is terrible. Yeah, it makes my stomach all upset before the Nürburgring rally. I can't tell if you're making fun of me or if you also think natural wine upsets your tummy. I can't say as I've ever drunk a natural wine. You want to know what it's like?

Okay. Imagine, so first imagine number one, a kind of, you know, like a kind of still apple cider, not like the sweet bubbly one, but the kind of still brackish cloudy one. Okay. Like one that you would get in like a health food shop, that kind of thing. Like a boozy. Oh, a boozy one. Like a boozy, like a Somerset apple cider.

Okay. Yeah. Now imagine that a little less sweet and more alcoholic. So three times as alcoholic and cloudy. And because it's got fermentation and secondary fermentation occurring in it, a little bit like effervescent now. But however, what I'm describing is still sort of fine. It's just a cloudy apple. It's just a strong cloudy apple cider with a little bit of effervescence like a kind of slightly sparkling scumpy Scrum P scum P scum P from scum P I kind of slightly sparkling scrum P that's still it's not to my taste, but it's still sort of fine in theory Yeah, here's where it gets to be a problem take that slightly effervescent scrum P and

You need to make it taste very, very sort of yeasty. Now, yeastiness in a natural wine, as far as I can tell, basically tastes like old sweat. So it's often affectionately termed a kind of barnyard taste. By like people trying to sell the wine. They'll be like, oh, this has a lovely barnyard taste. I love that barnyard. Oh, I'm getting notes of barnyard. It's like licking a horse. It's like licking a horse as close as you can get to

licking a horse. It's like being a kind of homeless traveler man and sleeping in a bale of hay in the back of a train. You know? It's a bit like being a, yeah, like a sort of classic hobo. It's the hobo's delight. And then what you do. They love to lick a horse. Here's the thing, right? When people ask, we don't like about it. I said, well, natural white often can ask you something.

If you ever licked a horse, I next have to say much easier to understand. Oh, I'm so sober. I could lick a horse. Kick me in the head and then I'll feel like all woozy. That's when days at the Nürburgring. Yeah. Horse kicking competition. Guys, they were just really concussed. You get kicked in the head by the horse and then drive around the track. Welcome to concussion day at the Nürburgring.

We'll have a concussion when they come in. Some of them leave in a coma. So basically, I say it tastes like fizzy, sc scrumpy, filtered through a kind of used gym sock and then bottled. Even then, that wouldn't be so much of a problem if it wasn't so fucking inescapable. Like natural wine is just everywhere. You cannot avoid it.

It's like, all of that even, you could be like, okay, you know what, there's no accounting for taste. That's fine. Some people probably like it. But if you live around here or around where I live, then you go to anywhere that has a lot of wine, like is a wine focused place. And frequently you'll say, hi, I would love a glass of wine. I like nice wine. So I'd love it to taste good. And they're like, what about something that tastes like licking a horse?

And they're like, no, we don't. Oh, actually all our wine is natural. They'll often say, the conversation I hate to have the most is when I go somewhere, I sit down and I say, no, we don't. Oh, actually, all our wine is natural. They'll often say, the conversation I hate to have the most is when I go somewhere, I sit down, and I say, hey, do you have any wine that isn't natural wine? And then they'll go a little, like, that's the snootiness that I tend to encounter in the world of food and wine. And I'm someone who's fucking drongo doesn't like licking a horse.

He's in for a nasty shock. We're only horses here. And I'm saying this as someone who's like starting a professional wine qualification the week after this gets recorded. By the time it's released, I'll probably be part way through. He's going to be semi-qualified by the time you're hearing this. And you'll be loving licking horses by that point. Maybe you just don't understand the terroir of the horse.

That's what the argument that often gets made is, oh, you just don't get it. This is the only one here that's been over a jump mate. Yeah. This horse was reared in, you know, some obscure region. It was raised. Oh, this is the smells of that particular gully. This is a mornington peninsula horse. Don't you understand? Gumbu gully. This, this guy's he's ordered, he's ordered a Coke Zero because all the wine's natural. He's in for a shock when I pour this Coke Zero over a horse's arse before I decant it into the glass. Decant it across the mane of this. Here's a natural Coke Zero you dog cunt.